WEBVTT - Old Boys’ Club 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.920 Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. This 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:08.440 episode contains descriptions of sexual assault listener discretion. Its advised 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:17.520 our headmaster. The rector told us from the pulpit that 0:00:17.560 --> 0:00:24.520 ours was a goodly heritage. Senators, bishops, authors, barons, moguls, ambassadors, 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:30.240 peerless curators of life of all kinds had preceded us schoolboys. 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:33.800 Then we dragged our fingers along the letters of their 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:38.800 names carved in paneled halls. Once during my time there, 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:41.080 a man pushed through the double glass doors of the 0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:44.040 reading room in late morning. We looked up from books 0:00:44.040 --> 0:00:47.280 and peeked around red leather chairs. The man found the 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:49.880 student he was looking for and bent to talk to him, 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:54.600 and then he left. The room exploded appropriately, of course, 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:58.400 which meant quietly enough in wrapt whispers. The man was 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:01.000 George Climpton, and he had come to say something to 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:04.840 his son, who was a student there. My point is 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:06.760 that we were a room full of teenagers in the 0:01:06.760 --> 0:01:10.560 early nineteen nineties who knew George Plimpton on site. That 0:01:10.720 --> 0:01:14.000 was our job. His appearance on a weekday morning was 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:17.200 like a pop quiz from the world. We were blessed 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:21.040 with excellence and excellently blessed in our schoolwork and sports 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:25.120 teams and choirs and clubs, and shoulders thrummed with the 0:01:25.160 --> 0:01:29.320 calvinist confidence that is actually a threat. If you do 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:37.160 not become spectacular, it means you are not us. That's lazy. Crawford, 0:01:37.480 --> 0:01:41.720 reading a passage from her remarkable memoir, notes on a silencing. 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:46.399 Lacy's story is about the utter failure of adults to 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:49.400 protect the children in their charge, and the way that 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.760 failure to protect can deepen the wounds of trauma. It's 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:58.760 also a story of extraordinary tenacity, courage, and the profound 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:02.880 shifts that can happen both to us and to society 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:23.000 when the truth finally comes to light. I'm Danny Shapiro, 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:26.399 and this is family secrets, the secrets that are kept 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:29.360 from us, the secrets we keep from others, and the 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:36.640 secrets we keep from ourselves. Tell me about the landscape 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:41.760 of your childhood, where you grew up. I was the 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:45.960 oldest child, or two oldest children. My brother and I 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:50.280 were raised in a small and wealthy suburb of Chicago, 0:02:50.400 --> 0:02:54.320 on the North side of Chicago, and my parents were 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:57.800 young when they had their family. They were to me 0:02:57.880 --> 0:03:03.000 at least very beautiful, a were full of ambition and 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:06.320 had been very fortunate with their own educations, and they 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:10.800 had real dreams and ambitions for themselves and for their children. 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:18.480 I was simultaneously adored and expected to do remarkable things, 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:21.760 and for as long as I can remember, I felt 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:24.520 both of those. But the second of those cast a 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:28.040 shadow on the first, and so I think I grew 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:31.080 up with a sense that it was my job to 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:34.280 help deliver on a certain promise that my whole family shared, 0:03:34.880 --> 0:03:36.680 and that was in the context of a small town 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:39.240 and going to a small school in a small town, 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:42.600 and then when I was fourteen years old, taking the 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:45.680 leap to go to this elite New England boarding school 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:48.400 in New Hampshire, which neither of my parents had gone to, 0:03:48.760 --> 0:03:50.880 and we didn't know too many people who had been there. 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:53.400 But that seemed to be the thing that one would 0:03:53.440 --> 0:03:57.560 do if one was exceptional, and school came easily to me. 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:02.320 I was very young, and I I was excited to go. 0:04:02.440 --> 0:04:05.400 I was excited to go myself. Was there a lead 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:07.440 up to that in your childhood or middle school years 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:11.160 where this idea of boarding school, an elite East Coast 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:13.600 boarding school was something that started to feel like that 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:16.919 was your future. It didn't. It wasn't a part of 0:04:16.960 --> 0:04:21.400 my childhood from very early on. Um certainly my schooling 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:25.720 took on sort of a more fevered air as I 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:29.000 got older. I was young for my class. I started 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:32.880 kindergarten when I was just four, and I was reading 0:04:32.960 --> 0:04:35.640 I'm Told fluently when I was three. Though this might 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:38.159 be mythology by now, but all of it was mythology 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:41.919 that helped shape my sense of myself. So there was 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:46.080 a kind of self aggrandizement that attached itself to my 0:04:46.320 --> 0:04:49.839 successes in school. I must have been insufferable to my 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:52.839 classmates because I was young, and I was also quite small, 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:55.040 and there were things that came easily to me, and 0:04:55.160 --> 0:04:58.240 I was happy to do them. So in my small 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:00.320 town there was a very good public high Sto School, 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:02.800 and there were a few private high schools that were 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:05.960 with an easy driving distance. But I think there was 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:11.159 a degree of social as well as educational aspiration in 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:14.800 my parents sending me away. The New England boarding schools 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:18.880 were associated with and are associated with, this grand New 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:23.600 England tradition of WASP wealth and WASP you know, exclusivity, 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:26.240 The Old Boys Network, the original Old Boys Network, you know, 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:29.240 founded St. Paul's School in eighteen sixties three or whatever 0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:32.039 it was to train and educate these boys, and to 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:35.159 do it from some reserve from all the other kids, 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:37.200 because of course they were special and they needed to 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:39.960 be taught in a certain special way. And that self 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:44.400 importance that the school had is pretty enchanting when it's 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:47.480 combined with the resources that these places have. And that 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:50.840 self importance resonated, I think with the way my family 0:05:51.200 --> 0:05:55.440 you know, dreamed about ourselves. Um So it was both 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:59.520 opportunity and expectation, and I was very lucky to be 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:03.719 able to go there in some ways, of course. So 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:08.159 the importance of that kind of education is that it's 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:15.000 a doorway that opens onto the right path, the right spouse, 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:19.800 the right job, the right people, the right future. It 0:06:20.040 --> 0:06:23.560 is a reflection of the self and society to have 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:25.640 gone to one of these schools if you are the 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:28.240 sort of person who believes in those communities, right, if 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:30.080 you are the sort of person for whom that small 0:06:30.120 --> 0:06:35.240 culture appeals. And so yes, the rest of my world 0:06:35.360 --> 0:06:38.520 was supposed to open up because I had been to St. 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:40.800 Paul's School, and it could have been exeter it could 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:43.080 have been grotten, it could have been showed, it could 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:45.120 have been hot, Kiff, It didn't have to be St. Paul's. 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:48.880 But the idea of it was, you know, she's such 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:52.120 a great student, and there's so many opportunities and resources 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:55.240 at these schools that she can't possibly have here at 0:06:55.240 --> 0:06:58.440 home in our small suburb north of Chicago, And why 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:01.320 not give her the world if we can? Right? Why not? 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:06.600 So describe yourself, Lacy, when you got to St. Paul's, 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:10.920 that girl sophomore in high school or fourth form as 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:12.720 it was called, or as it is called in many 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:17.160 of these schools, age fourteen. I was. I was fourteen, 0:07:17.200 --> 0:07:19.320 so again I was. I was a year young from 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:23.280 my class. I had literally just had my gross spurt 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:25.720 like that summer. You know, I was sort of lie 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:29.360 awake with pains and my shins because I was growing 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:32.560 so fast. So I was five ft seven now, and 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.160 I think I weighed a hundred pounds, soaking wet, and 0:07:35.240 --> 0:07:39.440 I had had my period for six months seven months 0:07:39.440 --> 0:07:42.400 at that time. I was still surprised every time it happened. 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.240 I hadn't had my braces off for very long. I 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:51.040 was sort of launched into a world where students were, 0:07:51.440 --> 0:07:55.040 to my eyes at least fabulously sophisticated. And many of 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:58.000 them had grown up in families where their fathers had 0:07:58.040 --> 0:08:01.160 gone to this boarding school or others before them, their 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:03.840 grandfathers had, or all of their cousins or most of 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:06.680 the people in their town, and they had grown up 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:12.080 with a kind of social ease and style that I envied. 0:08:12.960 --> 0:08:17.120 They came in talented in sports. I had never heard of, 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:19.800 you know what, what was crew? You know? I had 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:22.360 seen squash courts, but I had never been on one, 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:27.720 and they were gifted in a range of things. So 0:08:28.520 --> 0:08:32.640 I was wildly impressed and enchanted by the people I 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:36.920 went to school. But I was also woefully unprepared for 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.440 a lot of the social dynamics there, and it was 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:43.000 a position of some danger that not a few of 0:08:43.080 --> 0:08:46.040 us found ourselves in. Yeah, I mean I was. I 0:08:46.080 --> 0:08:50.000 was struck by the fact that your mother, as you're 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:54.360 getting ready to go to St. Paul's, feels that it 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:56.920 would be helpful for you to have an additional middle name. 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:02.480 That was really that was something I mean talk about 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:06.400 an act of a kind of self invention there in 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:10.400 a situation where no self invention was in fact necessary, 0:09:10.440 --> 0:09:12.360 but she was trying to give you this boost by 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:16.559 giving you a famous and fancy middle name. That's right. 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:19.880 So I was christened Lacey K. Hill Crawford, and that 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:23.120 those were the initials, you know, on my blankets and 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:26.400 on my sweaters and on my backpack. And and my 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:31.160 mother maintains that we are related to the great Houston 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:34.440 oil family and the Demino family through her great great 0:09:34.640 --> 0:09:38.400 aunts side I think, And she said she had wanted 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:40.160 to give me that name when I was born, and 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:42.480 my father wouldn't let her, and so why not add 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:45.600 it now? And there were I should say, many kids 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:48.559 at St. Paul School who had at least two middle names. 0:09:48.960 --> 0:09:51.319 And it was also very much the case that there 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:55.280 were kids at school whose complete names bore no resemblance 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.280 at all to what they were actually called in the world, 0:09:58.559 --> 0:10:01.040 you know. So there would be boys and girls who 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:04.280 had names that I never ever saw written, because nobody 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:08.400 ever wrote them down, because those weren't their actual baptismal names. 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:10.960 So it was a bit of an act of self 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:14.280 sort of. I mean, I don't want to say selfograndizement, 0:10:14.320 --> 0:10:17.080 because that's not fair, not even self invention. It was 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:21.280 almost like tying an extra ribbon in my hair. It 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:23.480 was if they're going to be this fancy, we can 0:10:23.480 --> 0:10:26.800 be this fancy too, and why not? Right, and why not? 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:30.199 And a lot of kids were doing that at St. Paul's. 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:32.760 They were finding ways to big themselves up and to 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:35.480 demonstrate where they had come from and where they were going. 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:38.000 I wasn't yet a master at that, and I didn't 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:40.280 recognize that what I was seeing was a lot of 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:43.920 hard work and ambition rather than the pure expression of 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:50.360 a kind of privilege that I had never encountered before. Lacy, 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:55.400 festooned with her new fancy middle name, enters a hothouse universe. 0:10:56.240 --> 0:11:00.199 Students from prominent families use nicknames like Buffy and Up. 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:04.160 They don't wear their wealth, nor did they flash it. 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:07.679 They're dropped off at school in beat up old wagons 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:11.840 station cars. The kids who come from these backgrounds seemed 0:11:11.880 --> 0:11:15.280 to have an innate confidence. They never questioned whether they 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:21.120 belong or whether they're enough. You had to learn to 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.160 read the currents of wealth, and it took me some 0:11:24.280 --> 0:11:26.840 time to figure out what that was. But it was 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:31.360 hearing about multiple houses, right, It was hearing about parents 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:35.360 who didn't work and hadn't worked, and generations of parents 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:38.360 hadn't worked because they didn't have to. There were all 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:40.840 sorts of expressions of privilege, but it was almost like 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:44.720 a code, and that code was part of the magic 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:47.360 of the school was that you never really saw where 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.560 the power was, but you knew that it was coursing 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:53.560 beneath you everywhere. So I felt very much like I 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:56.520 was sort of a little baby anthropologist, you know, who 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:59.040 was always wearing the wrong clothes and was always running 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:02.200 which you should have been walking. And you were also 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:07.360 an athlete. I was. Yeah, I wasn't a particularly good athlete, 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:10.199 but I had my father is a is an excellent athlete, 0:12:10.200 --> 0:12:12.960 and he had raised me with many sports, and he 0:12:13.000 --> 0:12:15.800 had coached my local A Y s oh soccer team 0:12:15.840 --> 0:12:18.120 when I was growing up. And then I had gotten 0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:20.480 fairly good at tennis a couple of years before I 0:12:20.559 --> 0:12:22.760 left for school. I really loved it and I committed 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.040 myself to getting good at it, so I was good 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.960 enough to play on the varsity teams there. And I 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:31.480 also had been a skater, as kids in Chicago are 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:33.480 because it's cold and dark all winter long, and we 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:36.120 had a we had an outdoor rink in our town, 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:38.480 so I was able to join the ice hockey team too. 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:41.040 So I, like so many of my peers, did a 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:44.080 hundred different things on campus, you know, the sports. I 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.080 was a singer. I was in a few different choirs 0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:49.680 that were very very important to me, and I was 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:53.160 always running from thing to thing. So your fourth four 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:57.360 year you were pretty miserable. I mean, as many people 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.559 are when they first go away at that age. You were, 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:01.720 you know, calling home and saying, I don't like it here, 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:04.080 I don't want to be here. I called home sobbing. 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:07.680 I I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. And my parents, 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:09.640 I feel for them, I'm a parent now. It must 0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:13.320 have been devastating. But they had flown me two and 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:16.360 a half hours, you know, and driven the last hour 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:19.440 to drop me off at this magical school. And I 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:22.760 kept calling and begging to come home, and my dad said, no, 0:13:22.920 --> 0:13:25.440 you're going to give this one year. You're going to 0:13:25.480 --> 0:13:27.040 give it a year, and if you really don't like 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.319 it after the year, then yes, you know, you can 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:31.040 come home. But it was clear to me that that 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.840 would have meant I had failed. That would have meant 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:36.240 that I had gone to this fabulous school with all 0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:40.040 these fabulous kids, and I couldn't hack it somehow, and 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:42.200 and part of it was homesickness, but I've been to 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:45.400 summer camp. I wasn't that attached to my parents at 0:13:45.440 --> 0:13:50.160 that time. I think there was a coldness among the students. 0:13:50.200 --> 0:13:54.559 There were hazing rituals that astonished me with their sadism, 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:58.840 and kids were cruel in particular ways that I think 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:01.680 only fifteen year old can be, and with not a 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:05.280 lot of awareness. So there were a lot of racist remarks, 0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:09.240 and sexism toward the girls was very real, and I 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:13.440 was frightened. I was frightened of that kind of cruelty 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:18.360 that was not something I understood. By the time Lacy 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:21.320 finishes her fourth form year, she's made a group of 0:14:21.360 --> 0:14:25.800 friends and she's settling in. There's no question any longer 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:28.920 of whether she'll return as a fifth former. She does 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:32.640 well on the tennis team, makes the varsity soccer team, 0:14:32.680 --> 0:14:37.120 and even though she's not exactly happy, happiness isn't the point. 0:14:38.480 --> 0:14:41.720 She's no longer a nube, the term given to new 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:46.920 students shortened from new boy. She now has the privileges 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:51.480 accorded to upperclassmen. She's also in advanced mass with a 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:54.400 lot of seniors and is being asked to help tutor 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.320 a bunch of guys on the hockey team. So she's 0:14:57.360 --> 0:15:00.640 now kind of on the hockey team's radar. The hockey 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:06.160 players date beautiful, confident girls, and Lacy definitely doesn't consider 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:12.600 herself beautiful or confident. One evening, after hours, she's tucked 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:15.200 into her dorm for the night and gets a phone 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:19.640 call from Rick Banner, not his real name, the captain 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:25.040 of the hockey team. I have to start there so 0:15:25.080 --> 0:15:27.360 that you can understand how wild this phone call was. 0:15:27.880 --> 0:15:30.680 Rick Banner was the star on the ice hockey team. 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:34.360 He was about a foot taller than I was. He 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:37.960 was a senior. He had a long term girlfriend. They 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:39.760 were known as a couple. They were the sort of 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:42.920 couple who when they walked down the hall younger students 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:45.280 sort of parted the way fish do around a shark, 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:48.160 you know, in the coral reef, and then they um. 0:15:48.200 --> 0:15:51.400 Everybody knew who they were. And he certainly wasn't known 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:53.760 for his academic prowess, but he was a you know, 0:15:53.840 --> 0:15:55.800 a big man on campus. I think we would say, 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:58.040 and yeah, he was in my math class, but I 0:15:58.040 --> 0:16:00.880 hadn't tutored him. He just sat a couple desks up 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:02.720 for me, and I would watch him trying to fit 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:05.840 his limbs into the desk because it was one of 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:07.880 those desks that was attached to the chair by a 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:10.200 metal arm, and he had to kind of fold himself up, 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:12.360 you know, like some sort of contortionists to get in 0:16:12.400 --> 0:16:16.840 this chair. Anyway, the pay phone rang in our dorms. 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:19.880 Then a younger student who was downstairs it was their 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:23.000 job to answer the phone, came upstairs and knocked on 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:24.840 my door and she said, the phones for you. And 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:27.640 this this was totally strange, and I worried it was 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:29.880 my parents. But if my parents needed me, they would 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:34.040 have called my advisor. So I went downstairs. Must have 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:37.600 been ten thirty or eleven at night. We had signed 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:39.480 in for the night at ten pm. We were not 0:16:39.520 --> 0:16:42.000 allowed to leave our dorms until six the next morning. 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:45.240 And it was Rick. It was Rick Banner on the 0:16:45.240 --> 0:16:48.520 phone and he said, I need your help, Lazy, I 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:49.880 need your help. And I said, I don't know who 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:52.440 is that. Who is this? And he told me who 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:57.000 it was, and right in that moment, and this tells 0:16:57.000 --> 0:16:59.440 you so much about who I was at that time. 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.120 I didn't think it was a hoax. I didn't think 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:05.320 it was a you know, the wrong number. I thought, Oh, 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:08.320 if he needs me, then it must be something real, 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:11.800 because how strange is this, right, Like, how unusual is 0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:13.840 it that he would call me? So there must be 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:17.600 a very specific reason that he's calling me. I said 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:19.439 what is it? And he said I need your help tonight. 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:21.320 And I thought maybe it was math, but that didn't 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:23.600 make any sense. And then he said I need you 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:25.679 to cruise. And that was the word we used to 0:17:25.720 --> 0:17:28.720 describe sneaking out of your dorm and going somewhere else 0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:32.400 after check in was cruising. There were two security guards 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:35.720 who patrolled the campus in white jeeps. They saw everything. 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.000 They caught people all the time, and kids would be 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:40.359 suspended and sent home and it went on your record. 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.040 So we had to be very very careful if we 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:44.840 snuck out of our dorms. And it was not something 0:17:45.000 --> 0:17:48.480 that I had done. So he said I need you 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:50.119 to cruise. I need you to come over, and I 0:17:50.400 --> 0:17:52.200 said I can't. You know, I get busted. I can't, 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:53.760 I can't late, I can't come over. And said no, 0:17:53.800 --> 0:17:55.760 you're really smart and you can do it, please, I 0:17:55.840 --> 0:17:58.560 need you. And it sounded like he was crying or 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:00.920 he was going to cry. And said, what is wrong? 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.440 And he said, it's my mom and I'll tell you 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:05.680 when you get here. It's a thing with my mom. 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:10.160 And and I I was convinced. I believed somehow that 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:14.320 he needed me and that I could offer something that 0:18:14.400 --> 0:18:17.679 no one else could offer. And I couldn't imagine what 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:21.399 it was. But so much of that school was being 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:26.480 presented with just an incomparable mystery and then discovering what 0:18:26.680 --> 0:18:28.880 my place in it would be. That was the whole 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:32.040 experience I had at St. Paul's. So this was not entirely, 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:34.680 you know, out of keeping with what it had been 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:37.679 like there. Just yet another wild thing happens, and you 0:18:37.800 --> 0:18:40.680 find a way to figure out where you belong. So 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:45.000 I said, you know what, Okay, okay, I'll be right there, 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:49.760 and I snuck out. I raced behind tree to tree 0:18:49.840 --> 0:18:52.280 to avoid the street lights that were along the path, 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:54.359 and I went the back way through the meadow and 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:57.119 I ducked behind the rectory and I went to the 0:18:57.200 --> 0:18:59.240 edge of his dorm. I didn't know he had to 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:01.600 tell me where he lived. I didn't know which room 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:04.679 was his. So I heard him whispering my name, and 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:06.919 that was how I knew which room was his. And 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:10.000 then he reached down and pulled me up by putting 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:12.360 his hands under my arms and lifted me up through 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:18.240 the window and I landed directly on a mattress. He 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:20.320 was there, and someone else was there, and the lights 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:22.840 were off, and I said, what's wrong? And he said 0:19:23.680 --> 0:19:27.800 and pointed to what I guessed was the door to 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.439 the room and said, you know the name of the 0:19:31.480 --> 0:19:35.000 teacher whose apartment in the dorm shared that wall. And 0:19:35.040 --> 0:19:38.200 he said, Mr w is right there. And I knew 0:19:38.200 --> 0:19:40.040 what that meant. What that meant is if he heard 0:19:40.040 --> 0:19:41.960 my voice through the wall, he would come in, he 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:43.800 would flip on the lights, and I would be caught, 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:47.639 you know, having cruised. And as my eyes adjusted, I 0:19:47.640 --> 0:19:50.240 saw that the other person in the room was another 0:19:50.400 --> 0:19:53.040 senior who I didn't know at all, and that they 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:56.560 weren't wearing clothes. They were in only their boxer shorts. 0:19:56.600 --> 0:19:58.480 So there I was on a bed with the two 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:04.040 of them. So I said, again, what's wrong? What happened? 0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:09.720 And one of them, I don't know which one started 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:14.560 needing my breasts and I was wearing. I'm not large chested, 0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:17.480 and I was wearing, you know, like a turtleneck and 0:20:17.520 --> 0:20:20.680 a swinter sweater or something. It was laid October in 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:24.440 New Hampshire at night, and blue jeans and socks and sneakers. 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:28.160 That's what I was wearing. And I didn't understand what 0:20:28.240 --> 0:20:30.439 was going on, because this isn't something that had happened 0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:33.960 to me. I didn't get it. And the force of 0:20:34.000 --> 0:20:36.399 it pushed me back onto the bed so that I 0:20:36.480 --> 0:20:39.400 was lying on my back, and then the other one 0:20:39.920 --> 0:20:43.400 unzipped my jeans and stuck his hand down my down 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:46.160 there and put a finger inside me, at which point 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:49.560 I shot my hand down there and sort of cupted 0:20:49.600 --> 0:20:53.199 myself to to force his hand away. I was a virgin. 0:20:54.000 --> 0:20:56.680 The only thing I remember thinking is as long as 0:20:56.680 --> 0:20:59.600 they don't have sex with me, I won't die. And 0:20:59.640 --> 0:21:02.600 the thing behind that is just what I knew from 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:05.960 my health class and from my upbringing, which is you 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:08.760 don't have sex until you're married or almost married, and 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:10.600 if you do, you will either get AIDS or you 0:21:10.600 --> 0:21:12.399 will get pregnant, and horrible things will happen to you 0:21:12.480 --> 0:21:14.840 in your life will be ruined. That was how I 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:18.480 was raised, and so I said, just don't have sex 0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:21.399 with me. That's what I said, just don't have sex 0:21:21.440 --> 0:21:26.040 with me. So instead they took turns laying their hips 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:29.920 across my face, and the one of them would hold 0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:34.520 me sort of still so that the other one could 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:37.960 move over me. And it was very difficult to breathe, 0:21:39.240 --> 0:21:42.199 and I was crying quietly. I didn't make a sound. 0:21:43.080 --> 0:21:45.479 And then when they were done, they let me go, 0:21:46.119 --> 0:21:51.960 and I climbed out the window and walked home. At 0:21:52.040 --> 0:21:55.400 no time did it occur to Lacy to shout out 0:21:55.640 --> 0:21:58.879 or to scream. If Mr w came in from the 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:01.640 other room, he would have seen a fifth form girl 0:22:02.160 --> 0:22:05.520 out of her room against the rules, on a bed 0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:08.680 with two boys. It would have gone on her record. 0:22:09.160 --> 0:22:12.080 Her parents would have found out. They never would have 0:22:12.160 --> 0:22:14.720 forgiven her if she got into trouble in the fall 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:19.000 of her junior year, college applications are on the line. 0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:21.439 And then add to that, I was in a senior 0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:24.760 boys room and they weren't clothed. How do I explain 0:22:24.840 --> 0:22:27.280 that to my father? How do I explain that to 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:29.879 the teacher when he flips on the light. What do 0:22:29.960 --> 0:22:32.800 I say I was expecting? What do I say, and 0:22:32.840 --> 0:22:35.720 why would they believe me? Because I was already there, 0:22:36.240 --> 0:22:41.840 and also in my weird girl logic, because I said, 0:22:42.040 --> 0:22:46.120 just don't have sex with me and they didn't, I thought, Oh, 0:22:46.320 --> 0:22:50.639