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Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. This

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Speaker 1: episode contains descriptions of sexual assault listener discretion. Its advised

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Speaker 1: our headmaster. The rector told us from the pulpit that

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Speaker 1: ours was a goodly heritage. Senators, bishops, authors, barons, moguls, ambassadors,

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Speaker 1: peerless curators of life of all kinds had preceded us schoolboys.

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Speaker 1: Then we dragged our fingers along the letters of their

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Speaker 1: names carved in paneled halls. Once during my time there,

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Speaker 1: a man pushed through the double glass doors of the

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Speaker 1: reading room in late morning. We looked up from books

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Speaker 1: and peeked around red leather chairs. The man found the

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Speaker 1: student he was looking for and bent to talk to him,

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Speaker 1: and then he left. The room exploded appropriately, of course,

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Speaker 1: which meant quietly enough in wrapt whispers. The man was

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Speaker 1: George Climpton, and he had come to say something to

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Speaker 1: his son, who was a student there. My point is

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Speaker 1: that we were a room full of teenagers in the

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Speaker 1: early nineteen nineties who knew George Plimpton on site. That

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Speaker 1: was our job. His appearance on a weekday morning was

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Speaker 1: like a pop quiz from the world. We were blessed

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Speaker 1: with excellence and excellently blessed in our schoolwork and sports

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Speaker 1: teams and choirs and clubs, and shoulders thrummed with the

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Speaker 1: calvinist confidence that is actually a threat. If you do

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Speaker 1: not become spectacular, it means you are not us. That's lazy. Crawford,

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Speaker 1: reading a passage from her remarkable memoir, notes on a silencing.

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Speaker 1: Lacy's story is about the utter failure of adults to

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Speaker 1: protect the children in their charge, and the way that

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Speaker 1: failure to protect can deepen the wounds of trauma. It's

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Speaker 1: also a story of extraordinary tenacity, courage, and the profound

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Speaker 1: shifts that can happen both to us and to society

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Speaker 1: when the truth finally comes to light. I'm Danny Shapiro,

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Speaker 1: and this is family secrets, the secrets that are kept

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Speaker 1: from us, the secrets we keep from others, and the

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Speaker 1: secrets we keep from ourselves. Tell me about the landscape

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Speaker 1: of your childhood, where you grew up. I was the

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Speaker 1: oldest child, or two oldest children. My brother and I

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Speaker 1: were raised in a small and wealthy suburb of Chicago,

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Speaker 1: on the North side of Chicago, and my parents were

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Speaker 1: young when they had their family. They were to me

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Speaker 1: at least very beautiful, a were full of ambition and

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Speaker 1: had been very fortunate with their own educations, and they

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Speaker 1: had real dreams and ambitions for themselves and for their children.

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Speaker 1: I was simultaneously adored and expected to do remarkable things,

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Speaker 1: and for as long as I can remember, I felt

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Speaker 1: both of those. But the second of those cast a

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Speaker 1: shadow on the first, and so I think I grew

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Speaker 1: up with a sense that it was my job to

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Speaker 1: help deliver on a certain promise that my whole family shared,

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Speaker 1: and that was in the context of a small town

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Speaker 1: and going to a small school in a small town,

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Speaker 1: and then when I was fourteen years old, taking the

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Speaker 1: leap to go to this elite New England boarding school

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Speaker 1: in New Hampshire, which neither of my parents had gone to,

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Speaker 1: and we didn't know too many people who had been there.

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Speaker 1: But that seemed to be the thing that one would

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Speaker 1: do if one was exceptional, and school came easily to me.

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Speaker 1: I was very young, and I I was excited to go.

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Speaker 1: I was excited to go myself. Was there a lead

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Speaker 1: up to that in your childhood or middle school years

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Speaker 1: where this idea of boarding school, an elite East Coast

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Speaker 1: boarding school was something that started to feel like that

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Speaker 1: was your future. It didn't. It wasn't a part of

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Speaker 1: my childhood from very early on. Um certainly my schooling

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Speaker 1: took on sort of a more fevered air as I

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Speaker 1: got older. I was young for my class. I started

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Speaker 1: kindergarten when I was just four, and I was reading

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Speaker 1: I'm Told fluently when I was three. Though this might

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Speaker 1: be mythology by now, but all of it was mythology

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Speaker 1: that helped shape my sense of myself. So there was

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Speaker 1: a kind of self aggrandizement that attached itself to my

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Speaker 1: successes in school. I must have been insufferable to my

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Speaker 1: classmates because I was young, and I was also quite small,

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Speaker 1: and there were things that came easily to me, and

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Speaker 1: I was happy to do them. So in my small

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Speaker 1: town there was a very good public high Sto School,

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Speaker 1: and there were a few private high schools that were

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Speaker 1: with an easy driving distance. But I think there was

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Speaker 1: a degree of social as well as educational aspiration in

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Speaker 1: my parents sending me away. The New England boarding schools

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Speaker 1: were associated with and are associated with, this grand New

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Speaker 1: England tradition of WASP wealth and WASP you know, exclusivity,

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Speaker 1: The Old Boys Network, the original Old Boys Network, you know,

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Speaker 1: founded St. Paul's School in eighteen sixties three or whatever

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Speaker 1: it was to train and educate these boys, and to

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Speaker 1: do it from some reserve from all the other kids,

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Speaker 1: because of course they were special and they needed to

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Speaker 1: be taught in a certain special way. And that self

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Speaker 1: importance that the school had is pretty enchanting when it's

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Speaker 1: combined with the resources that these places have. And that

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Speaker 1: self importance resonated, I think with the way my family

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Speaker 1: you know, dreamed about ourselves. Um So it was both

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Speaker 1: opportunity and expectation, and I was very lucky to be

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Speaker 1: able to go there in some ways, of course. So

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Speaker 1: the importance of that kind of education is that it's

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Speaker 1: a doorway that opens onto the right path, the right spouse,

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Speaker 1: the right job, the right people, the right future. It

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Speaker 1: is a reflection of the self and society to have

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Speaker 1: gone to one of these schools if you are the

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Speaker 1: sort of person who believes in those communities, right, if

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Speaker 1: you are the sort of person for whom that small

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Speaker 1: culture appeals. And so yes, the rest of my world

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Speaker 1: was supposed to open up because I had been to St.

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Speaker 1: Paul's School, and it could have been exeter it could

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Speaker 1: have been grotten, it could have been showed, it could

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Speaker 1: have been hot, Kiff, It didn't have to be St. Paul's.

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Speaker 1: But the idea of it was, you know, she's such

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Speaker 1: a great student, and there's so many opportunities and resources

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Speaker 1: at these schools that she can't possibly have here at

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Speaker 1: home in our small suburb north of Chicago, And why

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Speaker 1: not give her the world if we can? Right? Why not?

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Speaker 1: So describe yourself, Lacy, when you got to St. Paul's,

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Speaker 1: that girl sophomore in high school or fourth form as

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Speaker 1: it was called, or as it is called in many

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Speaker 1: of these schools, age fourteen. I was. I was fourteen,

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Speaker 1: so again I was. I was a year young from

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Speaker 1: my class. I had literally just had my gross spurt

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Speaker 1: like that summer. You know, I was sort of lie

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Speaker 1: awake with pains and my shins because I was growing

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Speaker 1: so fast. So I was five ft seven now, and

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Speaker 1: I think I weighed a hundred pounds, soaking wet, and

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Speaker 1: I had had my period for six months seven months

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Speaker 1: at that time. I was still surprised every time it happened.

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Speaker 1: I hadn't had my braces off for very long. I

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Speaker 1: was sort of launched into a world where students were,

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Speaker 1: to my eyes at least fabulously sophisticated. And many of

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Speaker 1: them had grown up in families where their fathers had

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Speaker 1: gone to this boarding school or others before them, their

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Speaker 1: grandfathers had, or all of their cousins or most of

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Speaker 1: the people in their town, and they had grown up

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Speaker 1: with a kind of social ease and style that I envied.

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Speaker 1: They came in talented in sports. I had never heard of,

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Speaker 1: you know what, what was crew? You know? I had

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Speaker 1: seen squash courts, but I had never been on one,

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Speaker 1: and they were gifted in a range of things. So

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Speaker 1: I was wildly impressed and enchanted by the people I

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Speaker 1: went to school. But I was also woefully unprepared for

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Speaker 1: a lot of the social dynamics there, and it was

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Speaker 1: a position of some danger that not a few of

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Speaker 1: us found ourselves in. Yeah, I mean I was. I

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Speaker 1: was struck by the fact that your mother, as you're

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Speaker 1: getting ready to go to St. Paul's, feels that it

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Speaker 1: would be helpful for you to have an additional middle name.

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Speaker 1: That was really that was something I mean talk about

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Speaker 1: an act of a kind of self invention there in

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Speaker 1: a situation where no self invention was in fact necessary,

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Speaker 1: but she was trying to give you this boost by

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Speaker 1: giving you a famous and fancy middle name. That's right.

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Speaker 1: So I was christened Lacey K. Hill Crawford, and that

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Speaker 1: those were the initials, you know, on my blankets and

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Speaker 1: on my sweaters and on my backpack. And and my

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Speaker 1: mother maintains that we are related to the great Houston

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Speaker 1: oil family and the Demino family through her great great

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Speaker 1: aunts side I think, And she said she had wanted

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Speaker 1: to give me that name when I was born, and

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Speaker 1: my father wouldn't let her, and so why not add

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Speaker 1: it now? And there were I should say, many kids

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Speaker 1: at St. Paul School who had at least two middle names.

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Speaker 1: And it was also very much the case that there

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Speaker 1: were kids at school whose complete names bore no resemblance

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Speaker 1: at all to what they were actually called in the world,

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Speaker 1: you know. So there would be boys and girls who

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Speaker 1: had names that I never ever saw written, because nobody

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Speaker 1: ever wrote them down, because those weren't their actual baptismal names.

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Speaker 1: So it was a bit of an act of self

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Speaker 1: sort of. I mean, I don't want to say selfograndizement,

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Speaker 1: because that's not fair, not even self invention. It was

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Speaker 1: almost like tying an extra ribbon in my hair. It

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Speaker 1: was if they're going to be this fancy, we can

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Speaker 1: be this fancy too, and why not? Right, and why not?

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Speaker 1: And a lot of kids were doing that at St. Paul's.

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Speaker 1: They were finding ways to big themselves up and to

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Speaker 1: demonstrate where they had come from and where they were going.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't yet a master at that, and I didn't

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Speaker 1: recognize that what I was seeing was a lot of

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Speaker 1: hard work and ambition rather than the pure expression of

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Speaker 1: a kind of privilege that I had never encountered before. Lacy,

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Speaker 1: festooned with her new fancy middle name, enters a hothouse universe.

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Speaker 1: Students from prominent families use nicknames like Buffy and Up.

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Speaker 1: They don't wear their wealth, nor did they flash it.

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Speaker 1: They're dropped off at school in beat up old wagons

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Speaker 1: station cars. The kids who come from these backgrounds seemed

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Speaker 1: to have an innate confidence. They never questioned whether they

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Speaker 1: belong or whether they're enough. You had to learn to

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Speaker 1: read the currents of wealth, and it took me some

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Speaker 1: time to figure out what that was. But it was

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Speaker 1: hearing about multiple houses, right, It was hearing about parents

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Speaker 1: who didn't work and hadn't worked, and generations of parents

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Speaker 1: hadn't worked because they didn't have to. There were all

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Speaker 1: sorts of expressions of privilege, but it was almost like

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Speaker 1: a code, and that code was part of the magic

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Speaker 1: of the school was that you never really saw where

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Speaker 1: the power was, but you knew that it was coursing

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Speaker 1: beneath you everywhere. So I felt very much like I

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Speaker 1: was sort of a little baby anthropologist, you know, who

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Speaker 1: was always wearing the wrong clothes and was always running

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Speaker 1: which you should have been walking. And you were also

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Speaker 1: an athlete. I was. Yeah, I wasn't a particularly good athlete,

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Speaker 1: but I had my father is a is an excellent athlete,

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Speaker 1: and he had raised me with many sports, and he

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Speaker 1: had coached my local A Y s oh soccer team

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Speaker 1: when I was growing up. And then I had gotten

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Speaker 1: fairly good at tennis a couple of years before I

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Speaker 1: left for school. I really loved it and I committed

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Speaker 1: myself to getting good at it, so I was good

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Speaker 1: enough to play on the varsity teams there. And I

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Speaker 1: also had been a skater, as kids in Chicago are

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Speaker 1: because it's cold and dark all winter long, and we

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Speaker 1: had a we had an outdoor rink in our town,

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Speaker 1: so I was able to join the ice hockey team too.

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Speaker 1: So I, like so many of my peers, did a

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Speaker 1: hundred different things on campus, you know, the sports. I

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Speaker 1: was a singer. I was in a few different choirs

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Speaker 1: that were very very important to me, and I was

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Speaker 1: always running from thing to thing. So your fourth four

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Speaker 1: year you were pretty miserable. I mean, as many people

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Speaker 1: are when they first go away at that age. You were,

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Speaker 1: you know, calling home and saying, I don't like it here,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be here. I called home sobbing.

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Speaker 1: I I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. And my parents,

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Speaker 1: I feel for them, I'm a parent now. It must

220
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Speaker 1: have been devastating. But they had flown me two and

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Speaker 1: a half hours, you know, and driven the last hour

222
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Speaker 1: to drop me off at this magical school. And I

223
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Speaker 1: kept calling and begging to come home, and my dad said, no,

224
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Speaker 1: you're going to give this one year. You're going to

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Speaker 1: give it a year, and if you really don't like

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Speaker 1: it after the year, then yes, you know, you can

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Speaker 1: come home. But it was clear to me that that

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00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,840
Speaker 1: would have meant I had failed. That would have meant

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Speaker 1: that I had gone to this fabulous school with all

230
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Speaker 1: these fabulous kids, and I couldn't hack it somehow, and

231
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,200
Speaker 1: and part of it was homesickness, but I've been to

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Speaker 1: summer camp. I wasn't that attached to my parents at

233
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:50,160
Speaker 1: that time. I think there was a coldness among the students.

234
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:54,559
Speaker 1: There were hazing rituals that astonished me with their sadism,

235
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Speaker 1: and kids were cruel in particular ways that I think

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00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,680
Speaker 1: only fifteen year old can be, and with not a

237
00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,280
Speaker 1: lot of awareness. So there were a lot of racist remarks,

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Speaker 1: and sexism toward the girls was very real, and I

239
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:13,440
Speaker 1: was frightened. I was frightened of that kind of cruelty

240
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Speaker 1: that was not something I understood. By the time Lacy

241
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,320
Speaker 1: finishes her fourth form year, she's made a group of

242
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,800
Speaker 1: friends and she's settling in. There's no question any longer

243
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,920
Speaker 1: of whether she'll return as a fifth former. She does

244
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,640
Speaker 1: well on the tennis team, makes the varsity soccer team,

245
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:37,120
Speaker 1: and even though she's not exactly happy, happiness isn't the point.

246
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,720
Speaker 1: She's no longer a nube, the term given to new

247
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:46,920
Speaker 1: students shortened from new boy. She now has the privileges

248
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:51,480
Speaker 1: accorded to upperclassmen. She's also in advanced mass with a

249
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,400
Speaker 1: lot of seniors and is being asked to help tutor

250
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,320
Speaker 1: a bunch of guys on the hockey team. So she's

251
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,640
Speaker 1: now kind of on the hockey team's radar. The hockey

252
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:06,160
Speaker 1: players date beautiful, confident girls, and Lacy definitely doesn't consider

253
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:12,600
Speaker 1: herself beautiful or confident. One evening, after hours, she's tucked

254
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,200
Speaker 1: into her dorm for the night and gets a phone

255
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Speaker 1: call from Rick Banner, not his real name, the captain

256
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:25,040
Speaker 1: of the hockey team. I have to start there so

257
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,360
Speaker 1: that you can understand how wild this phone call was.

258
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,680
Speaker 1: Rick Banner was the star on the ice hockey team.

259
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,360
Speaker 1: He was about a foot taller than I was. He

260
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,960
Speaker 1: was a senior. He had a long term girlfriend. They

261
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,760
Speaker 1: were known as a couple. They were the sort of

262
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,920
Speaker 1: couple who when they walked down the hall younger students

263
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,280
Speaker 1: sort of parted the way fish do around a shark,

264
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,160
Speaker 1: you know, in the coral reef, and then they um.

265
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:51,400
Speaker 1: Everybody knew who they were. And he certainly wasn't known

266
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,760
Speaker 1: for his academic prowess, but he was a you know,

267
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,800
Speaker 1: a big man on campus. I think we would say,

268
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,040
Speaker 1: and yeah, he was in my math class, but I

269
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,880
Speaker 1: hadn't tutored him. He just sat a couple desks up

270
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,720
Speaker 1: for me, and I would watch him trying to fit

271
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,840
Speaker 1: his limbs into the desk because it was one of

272
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,880
Speaker 1: those desks that was attached to the chair by a

273
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,200
Speaker 1: metal arm, and he had to kind of fold himself up,

274
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,360
Speaker 1: you know, like some sort of contortionists to get in

275
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:16,840
Speaker 1: this chair. Anyway, the pay phone rang in our dorms.

276
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,880
Speaker 1: Then a younger student who was downstairs it was their

277
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,000
Speaker 1: job to answer the phone, came upstairs and knocked on

278
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,840
Speaker 1: my door and she said, the phones for you. And

279
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,640
Speaker 1: this this was totally strange, and I worried it was

280
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,880
Speaker 1: my parents. But if my parents needed me, they would

281
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:34,040
Speaker 1: have called my advisor. So I went downstairs. Must have

282
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,600
Speaker 1: been ten thirty or eleven at night. We had signed

283
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,480
Speaker 1: in for the night at ten pm. We were not

284
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,000
Speaker 1: allowed to leave our dorms until six the next morning.

285
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,240
Speaker 1: And it was Rick. It was Rick Banner on the

286
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:48,520
Speaker 1: phone and he said, I need your help, Lazy, I

287
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:49,880
Speaker 1: need your help. And I said, I don't know who

288
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,440
Speaker 1: is that. Who is this? And he told me who

289
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:57,000
Speaker 1: it was, and right in that moment, and this tells

290
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,440
Speaker 1: you so much about who I was at that time.

291
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,120
Speaker 1: I didn't think it was a hoax. I didn't think

292
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,320
Speaker 1: it was a you know, the wrong number. I thought, Oh,

293
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,320
Speaker 1: if he needs me, then it must be something real,

294
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,800
Speaker 1: because how strange is this, right, Like, how unusual is

295
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,840
Speaker 1: it that he would call me? So there must be

296
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,600
Speaker 1: a very specific reason that he's calling me. I said

297
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,439
Speaker 1: what is it? And he said I need your help tonight.

298
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,320
Speaker 1: And I thought maybe it was math, but that didn't

299
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,600
Speaker 1: make any sense. And then he said I need you

300
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,679
Speaker 1: to cruise. And that was the word we used to

301
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,720
Speaker 1: describe sneaking out of your dorm and going somewhere else

302
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,400
Speaker 1: after check in was cruising. There were two security guards

303
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,720
Speaker 1: who patrolled the campus in white jeeps. They saw everything.

304
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,000
Speaker 1: They caught people all the time, and kids would be

305
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,359
Speaker 1: suspended and sent home and it went on your record.

306
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,040
Speaker 1: So we had to be very very careful if we

307
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,840
Speaker 1: snuck out of our dorms. And it was not something

308
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,480
Speaker 1: that I had done. So he said I need you

309
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,119
Speaker 1: to cruise. I need you to come over, and I

310
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,200
Speaker 1: said I can't. You know, I get busted. I can't,

311
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,760
Speaker 1: I can't late, I can't come over. And said no,

312
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,760
Speaker 1: you're really smart and you can do it, please, I

313
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,560
Speaker 1: need you. And it sounded like he was crying or

314
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,920
Speaker 1: he was going to cry. And said, what is wrong?

315
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,440
Speaker 1: And he said, it's my mom and I'll tell you

316
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,680
Speaker 1: when you get here. It's a thing with my mom.

317
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:10,160
Speaker 1: And and I I was convinced. I believed somehow that

318
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:14,320
Speaker 1: he needed me and that I could offer something that

319
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,679
Speaker 1: no one else could offer. And I couldn't imagine what

320
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,399
Speaker 1: it was. But so much of that school was being

321
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:26,480
Speaker 1: presented with just an incomparable mystery and then discovering what

322
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,880
Speaker 1: my place in it would be. That was the whole

323
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,040
Speaker 1: experience I had at St. Paul's. So this was not entirely,

324
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,680
Speaker 1: you know, out of keeping with what it had been

325
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,679
Speaker 1: like there. Just yet another wild thing happens, and you

326
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,680
Speaker 1: find a way to figure out where you belong. So

327
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,000
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, Okay, okay, I'll be right there,

328
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,760
Speaker 1: and I snuck out. I raced behind tree to tree

329
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,280
Speaker 1: to avoid the street lights that were along the path,

330
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,359
Speaker 1: and I went the back way through the meadow and

331
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,119
Speaker 1: I ducked behind the rectory and I went to the

332
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,240
Speaker 1: edge of his dorm. I didn't know he had to

333
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,600
Speaker 1: tell me where he lived. I didn't know which room

334
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,679
Speaker 1: was his. So I heard him whispering my name, and

335
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,919
Speaker 1: that was how I knew which room was his. And

336
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,000
Speaker 1: then he reached down and pulled me up by putting

337
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,360
Speaker 1: his hands under my arms and lifted me up through

338
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:18,240
Speaker 1: the window and I landed directly on a mattress. He

339
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,320
Speaker 1: was there, and someone else was there, and the lights

340
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,840
Speaker 1: were off, and I said, what's wrong? And he said

341
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,800
Speaker 1: and pointed to what I guessed was the door to

342
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,439
Speaker 1: the room and said, you know the name of the

343
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:35,000
Speaker 1: teacher whose apartment in the dorm shared that wall. And

344
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,200
Speaker 1: he said, Mr w is right there. And I knew

345
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 1: what that meant. What that meant is if he heard

346
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,960
Speaker 1: my voice through the wall, he would come in, he

347
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,800
Speaker 1: would flip on the lights, and I would be caught,

348
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,639
Speaker 1: you know, having cruised. And as my eyes adjusted, I

349
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,240
Speaker 1: saw that the other person in the room was another

350
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,040
Speaker 1: senior who I didn't know at all, and that they

351
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,560
Speaker 1: weren't wearing clothes. They were in only their boxer shorts.

352
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,480
Speaker 1: So there I was on a bed with the two

353
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:04,040
Speaker 1: of them. So I said, again, what's wrong? What happened?

354
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,720
Speaker 1: And one of them, I don't know which one started

355
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,560
Speaker 1: needing my breasts and I was wearing. I'm not large chested,

356
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,480
Speaker 1: and I was wearing, you know, like a turtleneck and

357
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,680
Speaker 1: a swinter sweater or something. It was laid October in

358
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,440
Speaker 1: New Hampshire at night, and blue jeans and socks and sneakers.

359
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,160
Speaker 1: That's what I was wearing. And I didn't understand what

360
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,439
Speaker 1: was going on, because this isn't something that had happened

361
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,960
Speaker 1: to me. I didn't get it. And the force of

362
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,399
Speaker 1: it pushed me back onto the bed so that I

363
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,400
Speaker 1: was lying on my back, and then the other one

364
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:43,400
Speaker 1: unzipped my jeans and stuck his hand down my down

365
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,160
Speaker 1: there and put a finger inside me, at which point

366
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:49,560
Speaker 1: I shot my hand down there and sort of cupted

367
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:53,199
Speaker 1: myself to to force his hand away. I was a virgin.

368
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,680
Speaker 1: The only thing I remember thinking is as long as

369
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 1: they don't have sex with me, I won't die. And

370
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,600
Speaker 1: the thing behind that is just what I knew from

371
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,960
Speaker 1: my health class and from my upbringing, which is you

372
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,760
Speaker 1: don't have sex until you're married or almost married, and

373
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,600
Speaker 1: if you do, you will either get AIDS or you

374
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,399
Speaker 1: will get pregnant, and horrible things will happen to you

375
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 1: in your life will be ruined. That was how I

376
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,480
Speaker 1: was raised, and so I said, just don't have sex

377
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,399
Speaker 1: with me. That's what I said, just don't have sex

378
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: with me. So instead they took turns laying their hips

379
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,920
Speaker 1: across my face, and the one of them would hold

380
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:34,520
Speaker 1: me sort of still so that the other one could

381
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,960
Speaker 1: move over me. And it was very difficult to breathe,

382
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,199
Speaker 1: and I was crying quietly. I didn't make a sound.

383
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,479
Speaker 1: And then when they were done, they let me go,

384
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 1: and I climbed out the window and walked home. At

385
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:55,400
Speaker 1: no time did it occur to Lacy to shout out

386
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,879
Speaker 1: or to scream. If Mr w came in from the

387
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,640
Speaker 1: other room, he would have seen a fifth form girl

388
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,520
Speaker 1: out of her room against the rules, on a bed

389
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,680
Speaker 1: with two boys. It would have gone on her record.

390
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,080
Speaker 1: Her parents would have found out. They never would have

391
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,720
Speaker 1: forgiven her if she got into trouble in the fall

392
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:19,000
Speaker 1: of her junior year, college applications are on the line.

393
00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:21,439
Speaker 1: And then add to that, I was in a senior

394
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 1: boys room and they weren't clothed. How do I explain

395
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,280
Speaker 1: that to my father? How do I explain that to

396
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,879
Speaker 1: the teacher when he flips on the light. What do

397
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,800
Speaker 1: I say I was expecting? What do I say, and

398
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: why would they believe me? Because I was already there,

399
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:41,840
Speaker 1: and also in my weird girl logic, because I said,

400
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:46,120
Speaker 1: just don't have sex with me and they didn't, I thought, Oh,

401
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,639
Speaker 1: I guess then this is what will happen. It didn't

402
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:52,879
Speaker 1: occur to me that what they were doing to me

403
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 1: was a different form of violence. I mean, of course

404
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,320
Speaker 1: it was violent, and my body was quaking and I

405
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:01,200
Speaker 1: was crying and it was difficult to breathe. But I

406
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: didn't know that this wasn't normal. I know that sounds crazy.

407
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,400
Speaker 1: I know that sounds crazy, But I did not know

408
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 1: that this was not a thing that happened. I just didn't.

409
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,160
Speaker 1: The terms I did have were the words I had

410
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 1: used that were sort of Saint Paul's slang for what

411
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 1: boys and girls did together, right, And and the term

412
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,160
Speaker 1: we used was scrumping. So any kind of sexual activity,

413
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,600
Speaker 1: you know, of any extent, from nothing to everything, was

414
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:36,359
Speaker 1: called scrumping. And both of these boys had girlfriends, They

415
00:23:36,359 --> 00:23:38,840
Speaker 1: had serious girlfriends, and I knew I knew one of

416
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 1: the girlfriends well. I played sports with her, I liked

417
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: her a lot. She was my year. And the thing

418
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,959
Speaker 1: that terrified me most was the thought that these girls

419
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,360
Speaker 1: would find out, and then the whole school would find

420
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:53,680
Speaker 1: out that I had gone to their rooms, the boys room,

421
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 1: and I had done this, I had scrumped with them.

422
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: I didn't I didn't even have I certainly didn't use

423
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 1: the word blowjob in my head I because that's not

424
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:05,040
Speaker 1: what that was. I was impaled. I was like a tool.

425
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 1: I was like I was a vessel. I was not

426
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,880
Speaker 1: a person, and I was just terrified that they would

427
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,439
Speaker 1: find out and I would not be able to deny it.

428
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:18,040
Speaker 1: So what I kept doing was both playing prosecutor and

429
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,160
Speaker 1: defense attorney in my mind, over and over, and it is, well,

430
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: isn't it true that you did that, Yes, but I

431
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:24,960
Speaker 1: didn't want to. Isn't it true that you were in

432
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 1: their room? Yes, but I didn't think that's what it was.

433
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 1: And I I did this around and around, and so

434
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:33,959
Speaker 1: I figured that the only only option was to make

435
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,280
Speaker 1: sure that nobody ever found out. And as long as

436
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: nobody ever found out, then I would survive and I

437
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,720
Speaker 1: could just get through school and I could live my

438
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:48,159
Speaker 1: life and it would be okay. This is October. Lacy

439
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:52,120
Speaker 1: tells no one, not her parents, not her best friends.

440
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 1: It's a matter of survival. No one can know this

441
00:24:56,240 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: ever happened to her. Months go by, and in the meantime,

442
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:08,920
Speaker 1: Lacey's throat it starts hurting. So there are two things

443
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,240
Speaker 1: that happened very quickly. The first is that the boys,

444
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,399
Speaker 1: and they were both a teen, so sometimes I call

445
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,560
Speaker 1: them men, sometimes boys. They told a bunch of people

446
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: starting the very next day what had happened, and I

447
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 1: know they didn't describe it the way I just described it,

448
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:30,119
Speaker 1: but they told the same details. And so the first

449
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 1: word I heard that described what went on in that

450
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,760
Speaker 1: room came from one of their ice hockey teammates the

451
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:39,560
Speaker 1: next day, who sort of hissed at me. Threesome. And

452
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 1: the reason this is remarkable to me is because I

453
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 1: had been a girl who didn't have a boyfriend, didn't

454
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,679
Speaker 1: do a whole lot, worked really hard, obviously wished she

455
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,479
Speaker 1: was cooler than she was, but had good friends, you know,

456
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: and did well and was unremarkable. And suddenly it appears

457
00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:00,679
Speaker 1: that I am behaving in a way that a completely

458
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 1: out of character, and nobody thought to think, huh, is

459
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,560
Speaker 1: there something else? Is there something we don't know? Could

460
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 1: it be true or not true in a way that

461
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 1: we don't understand. So I started getting these kisces and

462
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,760
Speaker 1: the gossip and the side eyes and chapel and the

463
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 1: whispers and the leers, which I then had to ignore

464
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,359
Speaker 1: everywhere I went. So I felt like my skin was

465
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 1: on fire. And within about a week, my throat started

466
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:33,040
Speaker 1: to hurt and it didn't get better. So I I

467
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,680
Speaker 1: stood in front of the mirror in my dorm by myself,

468
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,639
Speaker 1: when everyone else was, you know, out of class or sports,

469
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: and I opened my mouth as wide as I could,

470
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:42,720
Speaker 1: and I made the sound, and I looked and I looked,

471
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,479
Speaker 1: and there was nothing there. There was nothing to see.

472
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 1: But my throat hurt so much that I first stopped

473
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,359
Speaker 1: being able to eat, and finally stopped being able to

474
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 1: drink anything except ice water, or sometimes I would put

475
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,679
Speaker 1: a little bit of skim milk on my tongue and

476
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,920
Speaker 1: then tip my head back to had it run down,

477
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:05,760
Speaker 1: because if I swallowed, the act of swallowing would cause

478
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 1: my throat to grind in a way that was excruciating.

479
00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 1: So I I figured I was being punished for what

480
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,520
Speaker 1: I had done, but I did not understand what form

481
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 1: that punishment was taking. But I was raised in a

482
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 1: family that was pious. We went to church every Sunday.

483
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,520
Speaker 1: I haven't mentioned yet that my mom was an episcopal priest.

484
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 1: It was pretty clear to me that if I had

485
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,880
Speaker 1: done something as bad as what I had done, there

486
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 1: would be some retaliation from, you know, the great gods

487
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:41,440
Speaker 1: of morality. So I went to the infirmary after chapel.

488
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,800
Speaker 1: One morning, I went up to our student health center

489
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 1: and I said, my throat hurt so much, I can't eat.

490
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,399
Speaker 1: And she said, all right, you know, say oh, and

491
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 1: she put the tongue depressed around my tongue and she said,

492
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,400
Speaker 1: there's nothing there. You're totally fine. Just got a little

493
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 1: more sleep. She gave me a lozenge and sent me

494
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,200
Speaker 1: to class. And she was right. She couldn't see anything.

495
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,080
Speaker 1: There was nothing to see. And it wasn't until I

496
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:04,199
Speaker 1: went back to the infirmary a few days later, and

497
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:07,159
Speaker 1: I have all these medical records. Now. I had lost

498
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 1: seven pounds by then because I couldn't eat and I

499
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,840
Speaker 1: had a high fever, and my throat was very swollen.

500
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:17,680
Speaker 1: My lymph nodes were very swollen. And again the infirmary

501
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 1: couldn't see anything, but they sent me to an ear

502
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:23,160
Speaker 1: nose and throat doctor in town in Concord, New Hampshire,

503
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 1: so off campus, an actual position off campus in town,

504
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:31,679
Speaker 1: and they diagnosed that I had contracted herpes in the

505
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,159
Speaker 1: hype of pharyngeal space, which is the space at the

506
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: back of the throat more or less where the gag

507
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 1: reflex lies. It's impossible to see on an ordinary exam,

508
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 1: which is why nobody in the infirmary or I myself

509
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,680
Speaker 1: could see any of the sores. So they had to

510
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 1: numb up my throat and use special mirrors and lights

511
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:53,000
Speaker 1: to see what was going on. But they communicated this

512
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,440
Speaker 1: information to the pediatrician at the infirmary at St. Paul's.

513
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 1: They neglected to tell me or my parents or my

514
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 1: doctors at home, who were very worried, because I had

515
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,520
Speaker 1: kept calling home and saying I'm really sick and I

516
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:11,960
Speaker 1: can't eat and something's wrong. This bears repeating the patient

517
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 1: Lacey Crawford, the person to whom this has happened and

518
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: who has this virus, is not told about it. Her

519
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:24,400
Speaker 1: parents are not told about it. Only her school is

520
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 1: told about it. I got ahold of my medical records

521
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 1: and the school's files in the last couple of years,

522
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:36,160
Speaker 1: and they confirmed everything that I remembered, which is this

523
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: that I kept going to doctors and opening my mouth

524
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 1: to show them how much pain I was in, which

525
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 1: is an almost sort of over attenuated metaphor. It's like

526
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: an it's an overdetermined metaphor for the fact that I

527
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 1: was trying to say what had happened to me and

528
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:57,560
Speaker 1: I could not speak. I all but lost my voice,

529
00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: and they kept looking in my throat and saying, there's

530
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 1: nothing there, there's nothing there. But when finally the e

531
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:07,440
Speaker 1: n t that ear nose and throat specialists and conquered

532
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:11,760
Speaker 1: does see that there are herpetic lesions in the hypo

533
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 1: pharyngeal space and nowhere else, mind you, nowhere else. That

534
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 1: information was communicated to the infirmary to the physician there

535
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,120
Speaker 1: who has since died. He since passed away, and he

536
00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,920
Speaker 1: didn't tell me. So I was fifteen years old and

537
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,000
Speaker 1: I couldn't eat, and my parents knew I was staying

538
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 1: in the infirmary. I had a high fever, I was

539
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,160
Speaker 1: losing weight, and my doctors at home, so the entire

540
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:39,320
Speaker 1: practice of the pediatricians in my small town, they were

541
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,520
Speaker 1: all trying to figure out what could be wrong with me,

542
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 1: and I have I have their notes too. They had

543
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: a differential diagnosis that included lupus, and that included leukemia

544
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 1: and other autoimmune disorders that might cause sluffing of mucus membranes,

545
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,520
Speaker 1: And they were figuring out what blood work to order

546
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:59,560
Speaker 1: and making plans, frankly, to bring me home. And the

547
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: doctor at St. Paul's was having these conversations with them

548
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 1: and did not tell them what had been diagnosed. So

549
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:13,880
Speaker 1: this was the first time that I had encountered what

550
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:18,320
Speaker 1: would be a pattern of institutional silencing that is both

551
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 1: breathtaking and I suspect horrifyingly common. We'll be right back.

552
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 1: The assault happened in October. Now it's spring. Lacy still

553
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 1: hasn't told a soul. She's in sort of a relationship now,

554
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 1: a nice, safe, asexual relationship with a classmate named Scotty.

555
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:55,480
Speaker 1: She's suffering, of course, both emotionally and physically, but she's

556
00:31:55,640 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 1: remaining silent until one afternoon, in a ecologically really remarkable moment,

557
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,440
Speaker 1: a memory is triggered. While she's hanging out with Scotty.

558
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: He's tracing a scar on her leg, a scar she

559
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 1: got the year before when she had had her legs

560
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 1: sliced open while diving into a pond at St. Paul's

561
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: at the end of my junior year. I was sitting

562
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,120
Speaker 1: with the boy I called Scotti, and he was tracing

563
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,840
Speaker 1: his finger along the scar on my thigh that was

564
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 1: at that point a year old, and he was saying, gosh,

565
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: you know a lot of bad things happened to you, uh,

566
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:33,800
Speaker 1: And I was thinking, no, not really, but actually maybe so.

567
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: And I remembered the boat docks, and I remember slicing

568
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,960
Speaker 1: my leg, and I remember coming up bleeding, and I

569
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 1: remember everybody worrying about me, and how wonderful it had

570
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,760
Speaker 1: been that everyone had worried about me a year before,

571
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:47,080
Speaker 1: because now, you know, I felt like a pariah and

572
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,160
Speaker 1: I was in pain all the time, and nobody knew.

573
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,960
Speaker 1: And I remembered in a moment who it was who

574
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 1: had put a towel around me and picked me up

575
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 1: and carried me. And there really was only one person

576
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,520
Speaker 1: who was tall enough to pick me up and hold

577
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 1: me the way he had, and that was Rick Banner.

578
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:08,280
Speaker 1: He had been down there with his buddies, you know,

579
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: tossing around a lacrosse ball at the grassy edge of

580
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: the pond, and he had come down and he had

581
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 1: said I got her, I got her. I remembered him

582
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,360
Speaker 1: saying I got her, and in that moment, I thought,

583
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: oh my god, if he if he carried me, if

584
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,760
Speaker 1: he held me. And then he turned around and he

585
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: did what he did to me. And I'm still not

586
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:34,200
Speaker 1: sure that I understand the precise emotional, psychological logic of this,

587
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,760
Speaker 1: but I can say that I remembered the girl who

588
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,200
Speaker 1: had needed help. And if there's one thing I refused

589
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 1: to let myself be the year after the assault, it

590
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:45,560
Speaker 1: was a girl who needed help. I thought I was

591
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,520
Speaker 1: a girl who had ruined her whole life. That's what

592
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: I thought, you know. I didn't think that I deserved

593
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 1: care at all. I thought I was guilty of a

594
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:56,840
Speaker 1: million things. And to remember a girl who had done

595
00:33:56,880 --> 00:34:00,200
Speaker 1: nothing wrong and had been bleeding, and that he had

596
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,920
Speaker 1: scooped her up and taken her up the hill. And

597
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 1: I thought, no, no, I have to say what happened.

598
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 1: I have to say what happened to me. And it

599
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,319
Speaker 1: was that night that I called my mom from the

600
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,400
Speaker 1: very same pay phone. I was in the same dorm,

601
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,840
Speaker 1: and I told her. I told her what had happened.

602
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:22,200
Speaker 1: Your mom? She asks, you, if you were raped you say,

603
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:27,480
Speaker 1: only my mouth, and your mother responds by saying, when

604
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: when was this and you tell her it was October,

605
00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:33,160
Speaker 1: and then she says, oh, your throat, and she understands

606
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,799
Speaker 1: the whole thing in a flash, and she wants you

607
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:41,319
Speaker 1: to come home. You want to stay and finish your

608
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: exams because you are on this path. You know, it's

609
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,839
Speaker 1: a path that's going to lead to Princeton, right, which

610
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 1: is where your father went. That's where my father went

611
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:53,400
Speaker 1: and my grandfather before him. Yes, and this is the

612
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,200
Speaker 1: this is the path that you've already suffered a lot

613
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,960
Speaker 1: to be on. And you're going to finish those exams

614
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,399
Speaker 1: and say to shout the year, and then you'll come home.

615
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:07,600
Speaker 1: And your mother permits you to do that. The moment

616
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:11,319
Speaker 1: I left the boy's room, they had taken so much

617
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,719
Speaker 1: from me. I was only beginning to imagine how much

618
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:16,120
Speaker 1: they had taken from me, to understand how much they

619
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:18,000
Speaker 1: had taken from me, and I didn't want to give

620
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 1: up one more thing. So I was busy, as you say,

621
00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:25,120
Speaker 1: on the path that I had always imagined was mine

622
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,600
Speaker 1: and also the only path I could possibly imagine for myself,

623
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:32,000
Speaker 1: which was to achieve to follow my father's footsteps to Princeton.

624
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,000
Speaker 1: I wasn't sure what I would do after that. I

625
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,479
Speaker 1: was going to worry about it later. So that meant

626
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:39,960
Speaker 1: staying for my exams and not letting anybody know that

627
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: I had gone home early and something untoward had happened.

628
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,120
Speaker 1: I didn't want any more gossip. I was just going

629
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:49,680
Speaker 1: to continue on as I had. But my mom called

630
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 1: the school. She actually called the school's chaplain right after

631
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 1: she hung up with me, because he was also an

632
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 1: episcopal priest, and she cried to him, I now know,

633
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 1: for two hours. This is in case notes about what

634
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: had been done to me, and everything made sense to her,

635
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:07,680
Speaker 1: how sick I had been, that I couldn't eat, you know,

636
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:11,799
Speaker 1: that we couldn't see anything. Everything made sense. What the

637
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,279
Speaker 1: school then did was not called the police. They were

638
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,040
Speaker 1: mandated reporters. That was the law, was that they should

639
00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 1: call the police and report this event. They did not. Instead,

640
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:28,000
Speaker 1: they opened their own internal investigation into my allegations, and

641
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 1: that investigation included helping themselves to my medical records. So

642
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:38,839
Speaker 1: they found out that yes, in fact, I had contracted

643
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:43,120
Speaker 1: herbies in the hypopharyngeal space away back in October. I

644
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 1: imagine now as an adult. They also realized that they

645
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:49,879
Speaker 1: were in a whole lot of trouble. You know, if

646
00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 1: if my family chose to hire a lawyer because there

647
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:58,879
Speaker 1: was clinical evidence of what I was claiming, and they

648
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:02,919
Speaker 1: decided to do something really quite brilliant in its sadism,

649
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: Which is this The coach, and I am not one

650
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,960
Speaker 1: sure which one it is, so I will not name someone,

651
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: although I'm sure gathered up several of the athletes who

652
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,640
Speaker 1: were on the hockey and also across team the boys,

653
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 1: and said to them, if any one of you has

654
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,319
Speaker 1: been intimate with Lacy Crawford, you need to go to

655
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:28,239
Speaker 1: the infirmary and get checked out for her piece. I

656
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: didn't know that this had happened. I was there taking

657
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,240
Speaker 1: my exams. Nobody talked to me anyway. I had become

658
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:39,160
Speaker 1: very strange and very withdrawn. I finished my exams, I

659
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:41,839
Speaker 1: packed my bag a couple of days early, at my

660
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 1: mom's request. I didn't stay for graduation or anything that year,

661
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:48,520
Speaker 1: and I flew home the very next morning. My mom

662
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:52,160
Speaker 1: brought me to my pediatrician in Chicago and Lake Forest, Illinois,

663
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 1: and the pediatrician did a sexual assault exam, and she

664
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:01,200
Speaker 1: used the word sexual assault. I had never considered that term.

665
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 1: That was the first time I had heard that word

666
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:07,120
Speaker 1: applied to what had happened to me. It didn't fit.

667
00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 1: It seemed to make it sound worse. It seemed to

668
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,960
Speaker 1: make it sound like everybody was going to be a

669
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,480
Speaker 1: part of this now, and that my life was spiraling

670
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 1: so much more out of my control then I could imagine.

671
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:23,360
Speaker 1: And she swabbed my throat very deep. I gagged my eyes,

672
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:27,160
Speaker 1: ran and sent off the swab, and ten days later

673
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,839
Speaker 1: it came back positive. And she called and said, I'm

674
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,440
Speaker 1: so very sorry you've contracted genital herpies in your throat.

675
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:36,400
Speaker 1: But this is how we'll treat it, and this is

676
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 1: how you'll stay healthy, and this is what we're going

677
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,440
Speaker 1: to do. And she was very nurturing and caring. But

678
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 1: the school had already told my schoolmates that I had herpies,

679
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 1: so my classmates found out before I did. I had

680
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,399
Speaker 1: sores all year. I could barely eat, I could barely sing.

681
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 1: I was benched on the ice hockey team because the

682
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 1: air and the rink was too cold for me to

683
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 1: breathe without my throat sticking together. So I went untreated

684
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:06,799
Speaker 1: and my father after my physician called at home and

685
00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:08,920
Speaker 1: like forest and said, we're so sorry, this is what

686
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:12,799
Speaker 1: you have. My father called the dean of students at

687
00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:16,480
Speaker 1: school and told him. You know, my dad thought told

688
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,120
Speaker 1: him for the first time, right have called with this

689
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 1: breaking news that his daughter had actually contracted an STD

690
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:25,960
Speaker 1: as a result of what had been done to her.

691
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 1: And the Dean of students replied to my father, how

692
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 1: do we know Lacy didn't give it to the boys.

693
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:39,160
Speaker 1: How do we know Lacy didn't give it to the boys.

694
00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 1: Right now we have the reason. It was impossible for

695
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: Lacey to scream or fight back or make noise the

696
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,600
Speaker 1: night of the assault. As she writes in her memoir,

697
00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:55,920
Speaker 1: a girl who is attacked will so often assume that

698
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:59,879
Speaker 1: the fault lies with her. But this isn't the girl.

699
00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:03,840
Speaker 1: This is the dean of students, casting doubt and blame.

700
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,840
Speaker 1: How do we know Lacey didn't give it to the boys.

701
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:12,520
Speaker 1: This casting of doubt and blame is endemic to the institution.

702
00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:16,279
Speaker 1: As Lacey packs up to leave St. Paul's after her exams,

703
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:21,200
Speaker 1: the school's chaplain pays a visit to her room. This

704
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 1: was the chaplain who my mom had called actually and

705
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 1: told him about what I had reported to her. I

706
00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:31,120
Speaker 1: did not know that the chaplain knew that. I thought

707
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,439
Speaker 1: my mother had kept this a secret, and I had

708
00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,640
Speaker 1: just made up some excuse for why I was leaving

709
00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:38,720
Speaker 1: a couple of days early. He was also my religion teacher,

710
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:40,759
Speaker 1: and because I was the daughter of a priest and

711
00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:42,800
Speaker 1: had grown up in the church and was very familiar

712
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,880
Speaker 1: with liturgy and scripture and loved books, I thought I

713
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: was really good in religion class. I thought I had

714
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,239
Speaker 1: written an excellent paper, and so when he came to

715
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,200
Speaker 1: my room, I actually thought that he was going to

716
00:40:53,239 --> 00:40:55,279
Speaker 1: tell me that I had won a prize. There was

717
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,759
Speaker 1: a very big prize for juniors. And that tells you

718
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:02,359
Speaker 1: again still how my ambition and naivete were clashing with

719
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:06,160
Speaker 1: the desperate need that I had to speak the truth

720
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:09,520
Speaker 1: and to be heard. I could not reconcile being a

721
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:11,759
Speaker 1: girl I was supposed to be with the girl I

722
00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 1: now was. I couldn't do it. I could not bring

723
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: those two people together. So he came into my room

724
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:19,840
Speaker 1: and he was kind of moving things out of the

725
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,239
Speaker 1: way with his feet, and he was frustrated that it

726
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,840
Speaker 1: was taking me so long to pack up. And I

727
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,799
Speaker 1: had a Duffel bag on the bed. It was my

728
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,320
Speaker 1: initials on it, you know, like an l Obeam Duffel

729
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:32,720
Speaker 1: bag with my initials on it. And I I didn't

730
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:34,920
Speaker 1: want to open my underwear drawer and pull out my

731
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,280
Speaker 1: underwear and pack my underwear while the chaplain was standing

732
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:41,560
Speaker 1: in my single room and he glared at me. He

733
00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:44,000
Speaker 1: glared at me, and I kept saying, I don't want

734
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:46,400
Speaker 1: to leave before the awards day. I don't want to

735
00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 1: leave with you before the awards day. And he said,

736
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:52,040
Speaker 1: you don't need to be here for the awards day.

737
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,600
Speaker 1: And I asked him again, and he repeated it again.

738
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:59,600
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I understood only that I wasn't

739
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:02,600
Speaker 1: going to be winning a prize. I did not understand

740
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:06,000
Speaker 1: what he was actually saying to me, which is, you

741
00:42:06,040 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 1: need to get out of here. You've ruined everything that

742
00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:12,240
Speaker 1: he had the day before been sitting in a meeting

743
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,439
Speaker 1: with senior deans and the headmaster of our school, whom

744
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,279
Speaker 1: we call a rector who was also a priest, and

745
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,160
Speaker 1: with the school's lawyer, and they had decided that I

746
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 1: had gone to this boys these boys rooms consensually, and

747
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:27,759
Speaker 1: that I had done what I had done. I refused

748
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,160
Speaker 1: to use a flippant euphemism, that I had done what

749
00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:34,840
Speaker 1: I had done to them, choked myself on their penises consensually,

750
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 1: and that I was now claiming that it hadn't been consensual,

751
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,680
Speaker 1: and also I had gotten them sick, and this was

752
00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:44,719
Speaker 1: a mess for the school. And he was looking at

753
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:48,279
Speaker 1: me with something like disgust in his eyes. But I

754
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,840
Speaker 1: did not know at the time that he knew what

755
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:53,120
Speaker 1: he knew. I only found that out much later. I

756
00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:55,879
Speaker 1: simply knew that he was cold, and that he wasn't

757
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:58,160
Speaker 1: awarding me any prizes, and he was in a real

758
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:00,160
Speaker 1: hurry to get me to the taxi, to at me

759
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 1: into the airport, to get me off campus. So once

760
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:07,320
Speaker 1: you're back home, and once it has been determined by

761
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:10,960
Speaker 1: your pediatrician that you had contracted her piece and in

762
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,879
Speaker 1: a place that I should add, it would be damn

763
00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:18,799
Speaker 1: near impossible to contract her piece consensually, and or if

764
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:21,520
Speaker 1: you if you were to, and this is technical, but

765
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:25,080
Speaker 1: this is important to me. If it were a consensual act,

766
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:27,960
Speaker 1: I would have been exposed in other parts of my

767
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:30,120
Speaker 1: mouth and on my lips. Does that make sense, because

768
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:35,000
Speaker 1: it does, And there was nothing except at the very

769
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:40,200
Speaker 1: back of my throat. As she spends the summer between

770
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:44,160
Speaker 1: fifth form and sixth form, or in common parlance, junior

771
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:48,520
Speaker 1: and senior year back home in Lake Forest, Lacy fully

772
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:50,879
Speaker 1: intends to return to St. Paul's to finish her high

773
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,839
Speaker 1: school career. There she's on a path, the only one

774
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,680
Speaker 1: she knows, and she can't imagine any future other than

775
00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:04,280
Speaker 1: sticking to it. And then the school does something diabolical

776
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:09,840
Speaker 1: and ingenious. If Lacey and her parents proceed with their confrontation,

777
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:14,799
Speaker 1: if they make it legal, if Lacey testifies against the

778
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:20,879
Speaker 1: two boys, the school will smear her reputation. I would

779
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 1: have let all that go because the boys had graduated,

780
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:26,120
Speaker 1: and I wasn't about to give up St. Paul's and

781
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: let them graduate. But not me. That wasn't gonna happen.

782
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 1: I thought, fine, we know what I have. I'm taking medication.

783
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: They're gone. Now I'm going to go back and we're

784
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 1: just gonna get through this. We're just gonna put our

785
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:38,920
Speaker 1: heads down and get through this, because that's what I

786
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 1: had been doing. But my pediatrician reported the assault to

787
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:45,200
Speaker 1: the State of New Hampshire, as she was mandated to do.

788
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 1: That's the law, and the state of New Hampshire was

789
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:51,239
Speaker 1: very interested to hear this because not only was it

790
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:54,359
Speaker 1: a statutory assault, by which I mean even if I

791
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:57,480
Speaker 1: had given my consent, it was against the law because

792
00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:00,319
Speaker 1: the two men were eighteen and I was fifteen, and

793
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: that was against the law in the state of New Hampshire.

794
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:06,160
Speaker 1: The form of penetration that I suffered. Furthermore, I had

795
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 1: gotten sick and there were medical records that confirmed, you know,

796
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 1: that I had gotten sick. So it was a pretty

797
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,279
Speaker 1: open and closed case, and the police and conquered New

798
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,439
Speaker 1: Hampshire wanted to press charges against the two who had

799
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 1: assaulted me. What this would have meant for most likely

800
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:26,040
Speaker 1: is that I would have testified against them, right that

801
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:28,800
Speaker 1: would have been part of a trial. So the school

802
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:34,320
Speaker 1: responded to this threat by calling my father. My dad

803
00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: and my mom went into my dad's office with a

804
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:38,719
Speaker 1: little pad of graph paper and my dad wrote down

805
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:40,759
Speaker 1: the things that the school said they would say, and

806
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 1: they basically said, you need to understand that Lacy is

807
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:48,200
Speaker 1: not a good girl and she is not welcome back

808
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 1: on our campus. And my dad, so, what are you

809
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? You know, she's she's a

810
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,640
Speaker 1: try vers athlete, she's in all the choir, she has

811
00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:59,239
Speaker 1: almost perfect grades. What on earth could you mean? And

812
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:03,080
Speaker 1: they said, actually, you know, Mr Crawford, the following things

813
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,400
Speaker 1: are true about her. One, she is a drug dealer.

814
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:12,800
Speaker 1: This is laughable and laughable. To she routinely flout school

815
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:17,280
Speaker 1: rules and expectations, also laughable. Three that I was promiscuous. Well,

816
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:20,320
Speaker 1: I have a few things to say about that, essentially

817
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 1: that I was a disaster and a danger to my peers.

818
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 1: And they said to my father, if she is on

819
00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:28,880
Speaker 1: the stand, this is what we are going to reveal

820
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:35,040
Speaker 1: about her. And it was understood that if I went

821
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:38,480
Speaker 1: forward with the state pressing charges against the boys and

822
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:40,600
Speaker 1: there was a trial. St. Pauls School would say this

823
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:42,880
Speaker 1: about me. So I would have been in the position

824
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:46,799
Speaker 1: of applying to college with my boarding school accusing me

825
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,120
Speaker 1: of being a drug dealer and promiscuous and someone who

826
00:46:50,239 --> 00:46:52,840
Speaker 1: used alcohol all the time, and someone who was a

827
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 1: danger to her peers. They would have ruined my life,

828
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:59,040
Speaker 1: or so it seemed. And my father and mother said,

829
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:02,560
Speaker 1: this is what they're going to say about you, and

830
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:08,240
Speaker 1: we all decided we couldn't do it. So I called

831
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,719
Speaker 1: the police department and conquered New Hampshire, and I gave

832
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,040
Speaker 1: a formal statement saying that I did not wish the

833
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:15,480
Speaker 1: police to press charges against the boys who assaulted me.

834
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:19,160
Speaker 1: It was recorded, you know, it was entered into my record,

835
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: and the criminal file was closed. And once that happened, St.

836
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:26,920
Speaker 1: Paul School welcomed me back for my senior year. I

837
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,239
Speaker 1: suddenly wasn't a drug dealer anymore, and I wasn't a

838
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:31,960
Speaker 1: threat to other students anymore. But of course what I

839
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:34,880
Speaker 1: didn't know, and would shortly find out, is that everyone

840
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 1: on campus knew that I had her pies, even though

841
00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:40,800
Speaker 1: I had only found out myself a few weeks before

842
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:44,960
Speaker 1: and hadn't told us. Soul Lacy, what was that senior

843
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:49,200
Speaker 1: year like for you? I mean, one thing that struck

844
00:47:49,239 --> 00:47:52,920
Speaker 1: me is that there was a gift in that gauntlet

845
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:55,840
Speaker 1: at some point during your sixth form year in the

846
00:47:55,920 --> 00:47:59,640
Speaker 1: form of Mrs Radley. She taught religion too. She was

847
00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:02,840
Speaker 1: also a priest and a music teacher. So Mrs Radley

848
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,839
Speaker 1: was a priest and a music teacher, and you were

849
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:09,120
Speaker 1: interested in doing an independent study and you wanted her

850
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:13,440
Speaker 1: to be your advisor, and it was specifically a study

851
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:20,520
Speaker 1: about depression and art depression and artists, and she took

852
00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:23,560
Speaker 1: you under her wing. She made it very clear to you,

853
00:48:23,680 --> 00:48:28,000
Speaker 1: very quickly that she she saw you. When I went

854
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 1: to her and asked her if I could do an

855
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:33,080
Speaker 1: independent study with her, it was up in the little

856
00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:34,640
Speaker 1: house that she lived in that was part of the

857
00:48:34,719 --> 00:48:38,040
Speaker 1: campus housing, and she had a dog, and she was

858
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:41,680
Speaker 1: not married at that time, she was divorced, and she

859
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:46,000
Speaker 1: gestured to a bedroom in her house, a guest bedroom

860
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:48,520
Speaker 1: that I didn't know was there, and she said, if

861
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:51,640
Speaker 1: you ever need a safe place to sleep at night,

862
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:55,200
Speaker 1: you may come up here. The back door will be open,

863
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,879
Speaker 1: and you may sleep there, and I will vouch for you.

864
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 1: And I had never told her what happened to me.

865
00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:04,320
Speaker 1: I didn't have to. She knew that I was in danger.

866
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:07,960
Speaker 1: She had so many close relationships with students on campus

867
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:11,440
Speaker 1: that clearly she would have understood what the gossip meant,

868
00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:15,120
Speaker 1: that I was in danger, and I knew that someone

869
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:19,560
Speaker 1: had my back. And I also understand that what she

870
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:23,760
Speaker 1: did was the only useful way to support me, because

871
00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:26,399
Speaker 1: if she had gone to the administration, if she had

872
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:28,799
Speaker 1: tried to raise hell, they would have done to her

873
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,000
Speaker 1: what they did to me. They would have put her

874
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:34,320
Speaker 1: in danger. So she found a way to offer me safety,

875
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:37,560
Speaker 1: and she was really the only one who did so.

876
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:41,160
Speaker 1: I returned for my senior year with this odd understanding

877
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:43,760
Speaker 1: that as long as I didn't speak about the assault,

878
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 1: or changed my mind about pressing charges or file a

879
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,520
Speaker 1: lawsuit against the school, you know, as long as I

880
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:53,040
Speaker 1: didn't do those things, the school would not interfere with

881
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:56,080
Speaker 1: my senior year or my college applications, and everything would

882
00:49:56,080 --> 00:50:03,120
Speaker 1: be fine. Lacy keeps her head down, feels protected by

883
00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:07,920
Speaker 1: Mrs Radley, and gets through senior year. She's admitted to Princeton,

884
00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:12,279
Speaker 1: just as had been the plan. So she's escaped, right.

885
00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 1: The hideousness of what happened at St. Paul's is now

886
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:20,840
Speaker 1: behind her, not so much. As she goes through college

887
00:50:21,239 --> 00:50:24,839
Speaker 1: and enters her early adult life, the stories follow her.

888
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:30,160
Speaker 1: They plague and shame her. She experiences crushing depression, she

889
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:33,960
Speaker 1: wants to die and thinks about it. She's unable to

890
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 1: form real attachments with men and choose his boyfriends who

891
00:50:37,239 --> 00:50:43,400
Speaker 1: are either mostly absent or unspeakably cruel. Lazy pretty much

892
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:49,720
Speaker 1: loses her twenties. As she writes, everything listened and nothing grew.

893
00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:57,400
Speaker 1: I think the experience of being assaulted. For me was

894
00:50:57,480 --> 00:51:00,279
Speaker 1: that the life I had lived came to an rupt

895
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:03,080
Speaker 1: end and a new one began, and I could not

896
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 1: figure out how to get back to the girl I

897
00:51:05,719 --> 00:51:08,880
Speaker 1: had been, or even whether it was worth trying, because

898
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,560
Speaker 1: she was the type of fool who got herself into

899
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:17,440
Speaker 1: that situation. So the guilt constantly. It wasn't until people

900
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:21,920
Speaker 1: believed me that I was able to reimagine, and I

901
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,560
Speaker 1: had a glimpse of it. I had a glimpse of

902
00:51:23,600 --> 00:51:26,360
Speaker 1: it when I remembered Rick Banner picking me up and caring.

903
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,759
Speaker 1: Just a girl, just an ordinary girl, not a girl

904
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:32,200
Speaker 1: who gets herself into trouble or makes stupid choices, but

905
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:36,319
Speaker 1: an ordinary girl who deserved care. The person I had

906
00:51:36,400 --> 00:51:40,319
Speaker 1: become was simply invisible, was simply not worth listening to.

907
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:44,200
Speaker 1: Was someone who was not a reliable witness to her

908
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:48,040
Speaker 1: own experience, who simply didn't understand what had happened and

909
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,759
Speaker 1: didn't understand how the world worked. And that dogged me

910
00:51:51,320 --> 00:51:54,759
Speaker 1: everywhere I went. It dogged me in literal terms. So

911
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:56,600
Speaker 1: I got to Princeton. There were a lot of St.

912
00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:59,360
Speaker 1: Paul's kids there and kids from other boarding schools, and

913
00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 1: the gossip about herpes beat me to campus. I I

914
00:52:02,239 --> 00:52:05,400
Speaker 1: couldn't even start fresh, you know, in college, and I

915
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:09,480
Speaker 1: should have gone somewhere else. It followed me into the

916
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:12,160
Speaker 1: jobs that I held in my twenties because people knew

917
00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,960
Speaker 1: people who knew people who knew people, and I didn't

918
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:17,640
Speaker 1: feel like I could go into a room and be

919
00:52:18,080 --> 00:52:21,959
Speaker 1: new ever, but that nobody at the same time would

920
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:24,400
Speaker 1: have believed me if I had told them the truth.

921
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:27,040
Speaker 1: So the story preceded me, and there was nothing left

922
00:52:27,080 --> 00:52:30,080
Speaker 1: for me to say. And that led me to feel

923
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,600
Speaker 1: that I couldn't build a life and didn't really deserve to.

924
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:36,520
Speaker 1: And yes, I did leave the door open for for

925
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:38,239
Speaker 1: the end of my life in a lot of different ways.

926
00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:40,840
Speaker 1: And I made decisions that were reckless, and I was

927
00:52:40,880 --> 00:52:43,560
Speaker 1: in an emotionally abusive relationship for the eight years of

928
00:52:43,600 --> 00:52:48,280
Speaker 1: my twenties, and and it was self destructive in the extreme.

929
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:55,920
Speaker 1: We'll be back in a moment with more family secrets.

930
00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:06,320
Speaker 1: As Lacey enters her thirties, her life starts to improve.

931
00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:11,240
Speaker 1: She finds solid footing in a good relationship, Mary's becomes

932
00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:14,919
Speaker 1: a mom. She finds satisfaction in her life as a writer.

933
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:20,760
Speaker 1: Lacy studiously avoids news about st Paul's school. They've finally

934
00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:24,840
Speaker 1: stopped sending her the alumni newsletters. They've lost track of

935
00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:30,560
Speaker 1: her or she's outrun them, but now it's and news

936
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:36,760
Speaker 1: from St. Paul's catches up with her. I knew nothing

937
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:40,560
Speaker 1: of the two thousand investigation, or so called investigation, which

938
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:44,839
Speaker 1: was actually about teachers assaulting students, because they didn't put

939
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:46,600
Speaker 1: out a call to alumni, so none of us ever

940
00:53:46,680 --> 00:53:49,640
Speaker 1: heard about it. They buried it. But there was a

941
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:52,319
Speaker 1: freshman who was fifteen like I had been, who was

942
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:55,000
Speaker 1: sexually assaulted by an eighteen year old senior like I

943
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:58,280
Speaker 1: had been, Jessie Prout, in the year two thousand fourteen,

944
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:02,200
Speaker 1: and she told right away, she said, oh my god,

945
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:05,080
Speaker 1: this just happened to me. And she had bite marks

946
00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:08,000
Speaker 1: on her breast. And she reported to her friends, and

947
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:10,240
Speaker 1: she reported to her counselor, and she went to the hospital,

948
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:12,080
Speaker 1: and she went to the police and her parents, her

949
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:15,400
Speaker 1: father had actually gone to St. Paul's, and her parents said,

950
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:19,000
Speaker 1: this will not stand. This will not stand. And they

951
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:22,400
Speaker 1: stood behind their girl absolutely right away. They didn't say,

952
00:54:22,680 --> 00:54:24,239
Speaker 1: why did you go to meet up with him? What

953
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:25,839
Speaker 1: did you think would have And they didn't say any

954
00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:29,840
Speaker 1: of those things. They stood by their girl, and what

955
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:33,000
Speaker 1: the school ended up doing, which is remarkable, is after

956
00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:38,760
Speaker 1: her assailant had been convicted on multiple charges, her family

957
00:54:38,800 --> 00:54:42,360
Speaker 1: filed a civil lawsuit against St. Paul's school for allowing

958
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 1: the culture to persist, to exist and persist, this rape

959
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:50,600
Speaker 1: culture in which students were kept in such danger, and

960
00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:54,880
Speaker 1: the school responded to that lawsuit by petitioning the Superior

961
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:58,719
Speaker 1: Court to release the name of the girl who was

962
00:54:58,760 --> 00:55:01,520
Speaker 1: the victims, so nobody knew. Chessie Prott's name is certainly

963
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:05,400
Speaker 1: not in the public or the media because by universal convention,

964
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:09,040
Speaker 1: the names of the victims of sexual assault, especially when

965
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:13,240
Speaker 1: they're miners, are not released. They're redacted in court filings,

966
00:55:13,239 --> 00:55:15,760
Speaker 1: and the media does not report on them. And St.

967
00:55:15,800 --> 00:55:18,879
Speaker 1: Paul's school said they didn't think that was fair, so

968
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:21,640
Speaker 1: their lawyer, who happened to be the former Attorney General

969
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:24,240
Speaker 1: of the State of New Hampshire, filed that they should

970
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:26,720
Speaker 1: be able to force her name into the press, which

971
00:55:27,239 --> 00:55:29,560
Speaker 1: is at the moment at which I tuned in. And

972
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:32,120
Speaker 1: I tuned in because my best friend, who's a lawyer

973
00:55:32,160 --> 00:55:35,280
Speaker 1: who did not go to St. Paul's, called me and said,

974
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:38,319
Speaker 1: holy shit, have you seen this thing St. Paul's has done.

975
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,799
Speaker 1: It is the nastiest thing I've ever seen. And I

976
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,640
Speaker 1: pulled the filing down off the Court of the Superior

977
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 1: Court website and I read it myself, and I burst

978
00:55:47,239 --> 00:55:51,879
Speaker 1: into tears, because that is, in its way, exactly what

979
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:56,160
Speaker 1: they did to me. They shamed me publicly in order

980
00:55:56,200 --> 00:55:59,200
Speaker 1: to make me shut up and go away. Now, chess

981
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:02,600
Speaker 1: Prouts said the hell you do, and she went on

982
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:06,120
Speaker 1: the Today Show and outed herself and said, yeah, I'm

983
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:09,520
Speaker 1: not ashamed. This is what was done to me. And

984
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:13,799
Speaker 1: I was so rocked by that that I I started

985
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:17,040
Speaker 1: to re engage with this thing that I would have

986
00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:19,280
Speaker 1: sworn to you up and down. I had put behind

987
00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:21,839
Speaker 1: me in every way, and of course it was right there.

988
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:25,799
Speaker 1: It hadn't left my side. It strikes me too that

989
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:33,040
Speaker 1: in the years between your assault and and Chessie Prouds,

990
00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:37,120
Speaker 1: there was the beginning of rumblings of a kind of shift.

991
00:56:38,040 --> 00:56:43,360
Speaker 1: That's right. I was assaulted in right, and so it

992
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:46,839
Speaker 1: was twenty five years and it was a generation, that's right.

993
00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:50,799
Speaker 1: And I think me too had not yet become the

994
00:56:50,840 --> 00:56:54,880
Speaker 1: force that it is now. But things were beginning to change,

995
00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:59,560
Speaker 1: and Chessie's parents in many ways illustrated for me what

996
00:56:59,640 --> 00:57:02,759
Speaker 1: it could look like when parents said, nah, not not

997
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:05,279
Speaker 1: our girl. You know, we don't care what you say

998
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:08,840
Speaker 1: about her on the stand, We don't care. You know

999
00:57:09,280 --> 00:57:13,000
Speaker 1: this was wrong and you need to change. And I sobbed,

1000
00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:16,360
Speaker 1: I sobbed. I said to my husband, that's that's the

1001
00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:19,240
Speaker 1: other thing you can do, if you're a mom or

1002
00:57:19,280 --> 00:57:23,040
Speaker 1: a dad, as you can say, we don't care what

1003
00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:25,560
Speaker 1: you say about her. And easy for me to say,

1004
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:29,480
Speaker 1: now you know it wasn't And I wanted to go

1005
00:57:29,560 --> 00:57:33,640
Speaker 1: back to school. When the new Attorney General met the

1006
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:36,760
Speaker 1: State of New Hampshire opened a formal investigation into St.

1007
00:57:36,760 --> 00:57:39,760
Speaker 1: Paul's school because there had been so many accounts of

1008
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:44,560
Speaker 1: assault and quote boundary violations and quote on campus, and

1009
00:57:44,640 --> 00:57:47,160
Speaker 1: we were invited the public was invited to come forward

1010
00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:49,840
Speaker 1: if they had any stories of having been victimized on campus,

1011
00:57:49,920 --> 00:57:53,240
Speaker 1: particularly if they could testify to the school having failed

1012
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:57,880
Speaker 1: to report having obstructed justice or tampered with witnesses in

1013
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:01,440
Speaker 1: any way. And I thought, yeah, I've got some stories

1014
00:58:01,480 --> 00:58:04,640
Speaker 1: about that. So very quietly I got in touch with

1015
00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:07,880
Speaker 1: the Attorney General's office and I got a call back

1016
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:10,680
Speaker 1: from a detective almost immediately, who said he had pulled

1017
00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:15,120
Speaker 1: my case file from I didn't even realize there had

1018
00:58:15,160 --> 00:58:18,160
Speaker 1: been one. It was on microfiche. They printed it out

1019
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:20,920
Speaker 1: and they wanted to interview me at my earliest convenience.

1020
00:58:21,760 --> 00:58:26,000
Speaker 1: So very quietly I participated in this investigation. They told me,

1021
00:58:26,120 --> 00:58:29,120
Speaker 1: I still, because of a few loopholes, could press charges

1022
00:58:29,200 --> 00:58:31,840
Speaker 1: against the men who assaulted me. One of them has

1023
00:58:31,880 --> 00:58:34,160
Speaker 1: been in and ount of jail for most of his

1024
00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:40,040
Speaker 1: adult life. The other one has had a difficult time,

1025
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:43,960
Speaker 1: although not in that way. And I declined to press charges.

1026
00:58:44,000 --> 00:58:46,120
Speaker 1: I didn't want to fly away from my children, be

1027
00:58:46,160 --> 00:58:48,320
Speaker 1: on the other side of the country, and I didn't

1028
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:50,720
Speaker 1: know what that would be for. I just said, I

1029
00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:53,120
Speaker 1: want you to know that this is what the school does,

1030
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:55,640
Speaker 1: This is what they do to victims, this is what

1031
00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:58,720
Speaker 1: they do. And somehow the school found out that I

1032
00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:00,960
Speaker 1: was participating in that investor stigation, and I got a

1033
00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:05,080
Speaker 1: very terse email from their lawyers asking me to contact them.

1034
00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:08,040
Speaker 1: I forwarded that to the police and the police said

1035
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:10,280
Speaker 1: it's go time, and they drove up to the campus

1036
00:59:10,320 --> 00:59:14,360
Speaker 1: that afternoon. It was August of two thousand seventeen, and

1037
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:16,880
Speaker 1: got ahold of my student file which at that point

1038
00:59:16,960 --> 00:59:20,240
Speaker 1: was twenty five years old, and in my student file

1039
00:59:20,520 --> 00:59:23,960
Speaker 1: was documented evidence of everything I've just told you, including

1040
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:28,320
Speaker 1: the lawyer advising the school to say that unless I

1041
00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:31,360
Speaker 1: dropped the charges, I could not return to campus, which

1042
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:35,920
Speaker 1: is illegal. You can't do that, including the school admitting

1043
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:37,760
Speaker 1: that they had not reported my assault and had no

1044
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:41,320
Speaker 1: intention to. All of this was in there, and the

1045
00:59:41,360 --> 00:59:44,960
Speaker 1: police took photographs of every page, and they called me

1046
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:46,760
Speaker 1: and said, we have it. You know, we have the

1047
00:59:46,840 --> 00:59:50,520
Speaker 1: smoking gun. We have two cases. Now we have the assault,

1048
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:53,880
Speaker 1: you know, and it's cover up in and now we

1049
00:59:54,000 --> 00:59:56,800
Speaker 1: have this in two thousand seventeen. You have these documents.

1050
00:59:56,800 --> 00:59:59,200
Speaker 1: Here we are and they presented it all to the

1051
00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:02,440
Speaker 1: Attorney General as investigators, and the Attorney General said, we

1052
01:00:02,560 --> 01:00:05,280
Speaker 1: refused to admit this evidence. We are not interested in

1053
01:00:05,320 --> 01:00:08,040
Speaker 1: her case and we will not hear anything of her file.

1054
01:00:09,760 --> 01:00:14,360
Speaker 1: So they effectively meant to silence me again. The Old

1055
01:00:14,400 --> 01:00:18,160
Speaker 1: Boys network was at it again. These attorneys all ran

1056
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:21,800
Speaker 1: in the same prominent New Hampshire legal circles and once

1057
01:00:21,840 --> 01:00:25,880
Speaker 1: again sought to protect themselves and the institution rather than

1058
01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:28,080
Speaker 1: the soul of a girl who had been crushed there.

1059
01:00:29,520 --> 01:00:32,640
Speaker 1: But now Lacy is no longer that crushed girl. She's

1060
01:00:32,680 --> 01:00:35,920
Speaker 1: a grown woman who understands and has lived with the

1061
01:00:35,960 --> 01:00:43,680
Speaker 1: price of silence. When I was following what the school

1062
01:00:43,760 --> 01:00:46,200
Speaker 1: was doing to try to shut down the civil case

1063
01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:49,960
Speaker 1: that Jesse Prout's family had brought, I did not feel

1064
01:00:50,120 --> 01:00:53,320
Speaker 1: yet safe to consider what had happened to me. I

1065
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:58,480
Speaker 1: was still heartbroken and angry. But but yes, I was

1066
01:00:58,600 --> 01:01:03,040
Speaker 1: at that point, almost ten years into marriage to my husband,

1067
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:07,840
Speaker 1: who is a man who is not unfamiliar with tragedy

1068
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:10,160
Speaker 1: and loss in his own life and in his work,

1069
01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:16,640
Speaker 1: who is not surprised by um how common sexual assault is,

1070
01:01:16,880 --> 01:01:21,480
Speaker 1: and who has never made me feel ashamed or that

1071
01:01:21,560 --> 01:01:24,280
Speaker 1: I should be guilty, or that what happened to me

1072
01:01:24,320 --> 01:01:26,960
Speaker 1: is in any way remarkable, which is in fact a gift.

1073
01:01:27,880 --> 01:01:29,880
Speaker 1: And so I was able to speak with him so

1074
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:33,560
Speaker 1: openly about what was coming up for me while I

1075
01:01:33,600 --> 01:01:35,960
Speaker 1: was watching the way Chessie and her family were navigating,

1076
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 1: the media onslaught and the school's reaction. When I then

1077
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:44,680
Speaker 1: joined the case in two thousand seventeen and conquered, police

1078
01:01:45,000 --> 01:01:47,560
Speaker 1: were severed, and the detectives who had worked with me

1079
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:51,720
Speaker 1: were wonderful and very victims centered and they made me

1080
01:01:51,760 --> 01:01:55,600
Speaker 1: feel that I was legitimate. They said this is a

1081
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:59,960
Speaker 1: predatory act. They sent me the actual codes that these

1082
01:02:00,160 --> 01:02:02,360
Speaker 1: you know, the codes of the violation, that this is

1083
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:06,880
Speaker 1: aggravated felonious sexual assault. And here's why they gave me

1084
01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:10,720
Speaker 1: the terms from the criminal justice system to explain to

1085
01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:13,680
Speaker 1: me what had been done. And after they were severed,

1086
01:02:14,160 --> 01:02:16,640
Speaker 1: and I could not believe that this was happening again,

1087
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:20,400
Speaker 1: and presumably to protect the lawyer who had worked for St.

1088
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:23,160
Speaker 1: Paul's School all those years ago, who wrote these plans

1089
01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:25,480
Speaker 1: for my silencing, and who is still very prominent in

1090
01:02:25,520 --> 01:02:28,840
Speaker 1: the state of New Hampshire and practicing my case was severed,

1091
01:02:28,920 --> 01:02:31,640
Speaker 1: and so I started getting ahold of my own records.

1092
01:02:31,760 --> 01:02:33,920
Speaker 1: I got ahold of my medical records from my little

1093
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:36,960
Speaker 1: pediatrics office in Lake Forest, Illinois. I got a hold

1094
01:02:36,960 --> 01:02:39,560
Speaker 1: of records from the ear nose and throat doctor I

1095
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:42,360
Speaker 1: had seen and conquered New Hampshire. That was how I

1096
01:02:42,400 --> 01:02:45,840
Speaker 1: saw for the first time that a vice rector of

1097
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:49,120
Speaker 1: the school I had never talked to, I had never

1098
01:02:49,200 --> 01:02:52,680
Speaker 1: known him in any capacity, had called that doctor in

1099
01:02:52,760 --> 01:02:56,080
Speaker 1: Conquered New Hampshire to talk about me. And he had

1100
01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:58,880
Speaker 1: done it while I was home over the summer. This

1101
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:01,080
Speaker 1: is how I was able to confirmed that the school

1102
01:03:01,080 --> 01:03:05,040
Speaker 1: had invaded my medical records. And all of these things

1103
01:03:05,040 --> 01:03:09,200
Speaker 1: put together on the page allowed me to see that girl,

1104
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:12,520
Speaker 1: the girl sitting there on the paper covered table, who

1105
01:03:12,600 --> 01:03:14,920
Speaker 1: cannot eat, who has lost ten pounds, who is a

1106
01:03:14,960 --> 01:03:17,720
Speaker 1: thousand miles from home, can't tell you what has been

1107
01:03:17,760 --> 01:03:21,120
Speaker 1: done to her, and you know, you know that she's

1108
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:24,160
Speaker 1: sick in her throat, and you don't tell her. And

1109
01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:27,440
Speaker 1: I saw her for the first time, and I thought,

1110
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:32,680
Speaker 1: you're coming with me. I'm here now, and we're going

1111
01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:40,080
Speaker 1: to do this together. And I realized that I'm a writer,

1112
01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:45,000
Speaker 1: and looky here, I have the tools to tell what

1113
01:03:45,240 --> 01:03:48,560
Speaker 1: she couldn't and I've lived long enough to understand what

1114
01:03:48,680 --> 01:03:51,840
Speaker 1: she couldn't have understood at that age. And I am

1115
01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:55,480
Speaker 1: supported in all sorts of ways right now and lucky

1116
01:03:55,520 --> 01:03:58,720
Speaker 1: to be so. And god damn it, I'm not the

1117
01:03:58,800 --> 01:04:02,480
Speaker 1: only girl or boy this is done to. This happens

1118
01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:06,000
Speaker 1: all the time. I just got lucky enough to see

1119
01:04:06,040 --> 01:04:09,320
Speaker 1: my files. And when I looked at my files, I

1120
01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:14,520
Speaker 1: saw her. So I wrote that book with a kind

1121
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:18,520
Speaker 1: of fever that I haven't known before. And may never

1122
01:04:18,600 --> 01:04:23,920
Speaker 1: know again. But I was very sure, for better or worse,

1123
01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:27,200
Speaker 1: that what I wrote is what I wanted to say.

1124
01:04:31,240 --> 01:04:34,640
Speaker 1: Lacy's book opens with an epigraph from the essays and

1125
01:04:34,720 --> 01:04:39,360
Speaker 1: poet Maggie Nelson. I told you I wanted to live

1126
01:04:39,360 --> 01:04:42,880
Speaker 1: in a world in which the antidote to shame is

1127
01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:49,480
Speaker 1: not honor but honesty. Here's Lacy reading one last passage

1128
01:04:49,520 --> 01:04:53,040
Speaker 1: of her story. It's only right that she should have

1129
01:04:53,120 --> 01:05:01,640
Speaker 1: the last word. It's so simple what happened at St. Paul's.

1130
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:06,440
Speaker 1: It happens all the time. First they refused to believe me,

1131
01:05:07,040 --> 01:05:11,520
Speaker 1: Then they shamed me, Then they silenced me. On balance,

1132
01:05:11,680 --> 01:05:15,120
Speaker 1: if this is a girl's trajectory from dignity to disappearance,

1133
01:05:15,600 --> 01:05:17,960
Speaker 1: I say it is better to be a slut than

1134
01:05:18,040 --> 01:05:21,840
Speaker 1: to be silent. I believe, in fact, that the slur

1135
01:05:22,240 --> 01:05:27,400
Speaker 1: slut carries within it Trojan Horse style silence as its

1136
01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:31,320
Speaker 1: true intent. That the opposite of slut is not virtue

1137
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:36,920
Speaker 1: but voice. So I've written what happened exactly as I remember.

1138
01:05:37,560 --> 01:05:40,040
Speaker 1: It is an effort of accompaniment as much as it

1139
01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:43,440
Speaker 1: is of witness. To go back to that girl leaving

1140
01:05:43,440 --> 01:05:47,840
Speaker 1: the boy's room on an October night, sneakers landing on

1141
01:05:47,880 --> 01:05:51,200
Speaker 1: the Sandy Path and walk with her all the way home.

1142
01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:08,680
Speaker 1: Family Secrets is an i Heeart Media production. Dylan Fagan

1143
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:12,920
Speaker 1: is the supervising producer and Bethan Macaluso is the executive producer.

1144
01:06:13,480 --> 01:06:15,800
Speaker 1: We'd also like to give a special thanks to Tyler

1145
01:06:15,880 --> 01:06:19,440
Speaker 1: Klang and Tristan McNeil. If you have a family secret

1146
01:06:19,480 --> 01:06:22,400
Speaker 1: you'd like to share, leave us a voicemail and your

1147
01:06:22,440 --> 01:06:25,960
Speaker 1: story could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is

1148
01:06:26,080 --> 01:06:30,280
Speaker 1: one eight eight secret zero. That's secret and then the

1149
01:06:30,400 --> 01:06:34,440
Speaker 1: number zero. You can also find us on Instagram at

1150
01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:39,600
Speaker 1: Danny Ryder and Facebook at facebook dot com slash Family

1151
01:06:39,680 --> 01:07:02,640
Speaker 1: Secrets Pod, and Twitter at fami Secrets Pod. For more

1152
01:07:02,680 --> 01:07:06,520
Speaker 1: podcasts from My Heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

1153
01:07:06,600 --> 01:07:08,640
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.