1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:06,480 Speaker 1: This is Almost Good Advice with Ben Higgins and Ashley Ayakonetti. Hey, team, 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,799 Speaker 1: huge week of the Almost Famous podcast. Yes, we had 3 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: some episodes that are groundbreaking, record breaking, as some would say, massive, 4 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:19,279 Speaker 1: massive deal, and this is as big an episode as 5 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,360 Speaker 1: we've ever done. This is called almost good Advice. 6 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 2: He's kidding, we are, so I'm not kidding. 7 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,800 Speaker 1: I think these are great episodes. They've gotten great responses 8 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,320 Speaker 1: from Emberdy listening. We've gotten some incredible questions being written 9 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,760 Speaker 1: into us. It's been so fun to connect with so 10 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 1: many of you and kind of hear where life is 11 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:37,800 Speaker 1: at and what your struggles are at. 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 2: I actually feel Ashley, I'll say this. I was thinking 13 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,159 Speaker 2: about this to day. I feel like Almost Good Advice 14 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 2: is keeping me younger. 15 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,919 Speaker 3: H Ben, That's so sweet. That's it, because you are 16 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,920 Speaker 3: really good at it, and but why is it? But 17 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 3: why is it keeping you younger? If anything, you would 18 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 3: make me feel older because you are good at it, 19 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 3: so like you're whys and have situations under your belt. 20 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 1: Because I'm hearing what people are like struggling with in 21 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: today's age, and I don't always know, and so I 22 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,319 Speaker 1: feel like some of the issues in modern times are 23 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,200 Speaker 1: things that now I'm in tune with, in touch with, 24 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,760 Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm only going to get younger 25 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,040 Speaker 1: and more in touch. 26 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 2: I feel like if we do almost good advice. 27 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: For another twenty years thirty years, when I'm a grandpa, 28 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 1: they're going to be like, wow, Grandpa, you're so cool. 29 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 1: You know about the future and you know about we know, 30 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 1: modern times. I'd be like, yes, I do, kids. 31 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 3: Yeah. No, I'm also very grateful that we're not dealing 32 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 3: with these issues that these people are dealing with too, 33 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 3: with relationships and well, like this first one about wedding party, 34 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 3: there's a couple of really juicy people asking us for advice. 35 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 3: This there's a few really juicy questions. 36 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 2: Now, I mean shure, they're a little juicy people. 37 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 1: You know. 38 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 2: You know what when I say juicy people, what I 39 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:57,480 Speaker 2: think of. 40 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,840 Speaker 3: Like juicy kutour because that's what I think of. 41 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 2: No of you pee and your pants the other day 42 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 2: on the Okay. 43 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, so you guys make sure to listen to that. 44 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:05,760 Speaker 3: It was a funny moment. 45 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 2: All right. 46 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm gonna read this question to you like we 47 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: usually do. You're an answer first, and I'll follow up. 48 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 1: Usually I agree with you and maybe I have a 49 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: thing or two to add. But it's really fun to 50 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: hear your take first, because I do feel like you 51 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,360 Speaker 1: come We come from two different perspectives but also the 52 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,119 Speaker 1: same mentality. 53 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,800 Speaker 2: So here's the first question. So I'm anonymous, this has 54 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 2: got to be juicy. 55 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: Anonymous asks, My question is, how would you handle telling 56 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: a friend they won't be in your wedding party. For context, 57 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,160 Speaker 1: I'm in my late thirties and newly engaged in want 58 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: a small and spent bridal party with my closest friends. 59 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 1: I'm a long distance friend that I used to be 60 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,280 Speaker 1: very close with. However, over the past year or two, 61 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: I feel like our friendship has really distanced. We really speak, 62 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:48,800 Speaker 1: and when we do, it's surface level. However, she still 63 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: considers me one of her closest friends, although we are 64 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,519 Speaker 1: both at fault of not putting energy into our friendship. 65 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,360 Speaker 1: I simply feel like we've begun to outgrow the friendship 66 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: in a lot of ways. I would like her to 67 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 1: be at my bachelorette party, along with other girls who 68 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 1: will also not be in the bridal party. How would 69 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: I go about handling that with her? Is she owed 70 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: a conversation she'll definitely assume she is in the bridal party, 71 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 1: and I imagine being very hurt she finds out she's not. 72 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 1: I hate confrontation, but not sure if it's best to 73 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: address this for actively. I know this should be one 74 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 1: of the happiest times of my life, but I feel 75 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,680 Speaker 1: an embarrassing amount of anxiety over this situation, and I 76 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,359 Speaker 1: don't want anybody to be here. 77 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 3: Okay, so my first reaction is, you just don't have 78 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 3: to tell her. I assume that if you're not asked 79 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 3: to be a bridesmaid, that you're just not a bridesmaid, 80 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 3: do you know what I mean? I don't know that 81 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 3: people have conversations about not being asked to be bridesmaids. 82 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:54,280 Speaker 3: And then I think it's totally normal to have the 83 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 3: bachelor party be a bigger deal or have more people 84 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 3: at your bachelorette party than are your bridal party. Pretty standard. 85 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 3: And then I also think that if you just if 86 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 3: you're truly this anxious over it and you don't want 87 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 3: to hurt her, well, then the other option, in my opinion, 88 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 3: is just to suck it up and have her being 89 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 3: your bride a party, because then you could just take 90 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 3: that weight off your shoulders, But really, I just don't 91 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,000 Speaker 3: think that you owe her a conversation if she wants 92 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:33,600 Speaker 3: to bring it up. Once she realizes she's not, of 93 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 3: course you can have the conversation. It's not going to 94 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,360 Speaker 3: be fun and then you're gonna feel like your friendship's 95 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,440 Speaker 3: even more strained. But you can't exactly help if she's 96 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,200 Speaker 3: the one who brings it up. I'm sorry if my 97 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:47,400 Speaker 3: answer is avoidant, but that's probably how I would handle it. 98 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: Well. 99 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,760 Speaker 2: I think it's very fair. Actually, I think I would 100 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 2: strongly disagree with you. 101 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,520 Speaker 3: I felt like you did. I felt like you would. 102 00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: Two things here that you said. I think one thing 103 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: I I very much agree with you on is if 104 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:05,960 Speaker 1: there is one person who you know will be hurt 105 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: from not being in your bridal party and you are 106 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: thinking about it and it's bringing on anxiety, then I 107 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 1: do think one of the options is just to add 108 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,120 Speaker 1: her to your bridal party. 109 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,120 Speaker 2: Unless you're trying to make. 110 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,160 Speaker 3: A statement, it's not gonna yeah, it's not going to 111 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 3: ruin your day to just add her. You're not going 112 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 3: to look at her and be like, oh, why is 113 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:22,919 Speaker 3: she walking down the aisle. 114 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,440 Speaker 1: That is definitely the easiest way to make sure this 115 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: works or that there is no pain. I will say also, 116 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 1: actually from being married myself, one of the hardest things 117 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: about a marriage or getting married your wedding day. 118 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,120 Speaker 2: Is this moment. 119 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: It is really the only time in your life, if 120 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 1: you think about it, that you're really telling your friends 121 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,159 Speaker 1: distance or distant or not. You're ranking that you want 122 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,920 Speaker 1: them by you, that you're that closer. 123 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 2: Not right. 124 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: It's a really sad, hard thing. It's really hard to do. 125 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: I had a big. 126 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 3: Hit of like twelve groomsman, and then you had like 127 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 3: ushers that you counted as like the other group. 128 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,120 Speaker 2: You're the second. 129 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,919 Speaker 1: Definitely, And some of those guys would be standing up 130 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,480 Speaker 1: with me today, all right, like some of those friendships 131 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 1: I knew would be continuing. And so I had a 132 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,320 Speaker 1: big group and there are still people left out. It hurts, 133 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,800 Speaker 1: it's not fun. I didn't like it. And honestly, there 134 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: was a moment where I talked to Jess and I 135 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,400 Speaker 1: was like, let's not have anybody standing up with this, 136 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: because we either have them all or we have none 137 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,359 Speaker 1: of them. Like telling my friends who I love and 138 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 1: who I care about, who've been good to me, that 139 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 1: they're not in that inner circle is not fun. 140 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,599 Speaker 2: Okay, so that's it. We get it. 141 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 1: Like, I understand where you're feeling. I do think you 142 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: owe her a conversation. And the reason is is because 143 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 1: this is the happiest day of your life and it 144 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,280 Speaker 1: is the day that you are getting celebrated, is the 145 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: day that the attention is going to be on you, 146 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: and it's also the day that now your friends are 147 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,160 Speaker 1: really going to know where they stand. And I think 148 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,160 Speaker 1: the best answer here, honestly is to have her in 149 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: your brider party. If she is one person that you're like, 150 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 1: I just really feel like she's going to be hurt, 151 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 1: have her up there like that you there's no reason 152 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: for your happiest day, it'll cause somebody else pain, Like 153 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: that's not fine. But if you're not going to, then 154 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: I do think a phone call to simply walk her 155 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: through where your mind is at. I think I do 156 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: think that will help her probably just feel like she's 157 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,560 Speaker 1: in the know. It will probably leave a lot of 158 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 1: questions left answered instead of unanswered, and I personally, in 159 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:24,080 Speaker 1: my life feel a lot more pain when questions are 160 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 1: unanswered and not answered. When there's confrontation at some level. 161 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be vicious. It doesn't have to 162 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,720 Speaker 1: be mean. They can be full of love, like I 163 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 1: love you so much. We have grown a part as friends, 164 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,840 Speaker 1: and I've grown closer to some other people, and as 165 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 1: a result, I want those people standing up next to 166 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,119 Speaker 1: me because we're having a limited amount of people standing 167 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: up next to us. But I want you to know 168 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 1: that I love you and I want us to get 169 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: closer together. This doesn't mean this has to be the 170 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: end of our friendship. It can mean it's a new beginning. 171 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 1: But we have grown apart. But I do feel like 172 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 1: if I was in a situation where I wasn't invited 173 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 1: to one of my best friends or somebody I believe 174 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: it was one of my best friends to stand up 175 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,800 Speaker 1: next to them, I would want them just to call 176 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: me and tell me, so that in my mind I 177 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: wasn't thinking, my goodness, do they hate me? Now? Did 178 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: I do something to hurt them? Why did I cause 179 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 1: so much pain in their life? And now they don't 180 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: even want me around? I would I'd have those questions answers, 181 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 1: so I'd say you my opinion, Ashley has hers and 182 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:19,360 Speaker 1: I have mine. 183 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 2: But my opinion is confront it. 184 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: Talk about it doing the most lovingly possible or freaking 185 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 1: have her on your wedding, Like, honestly, that's my best 186 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 1: answer is get her to stand next to you. 187 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 3: I think we should probably just like meet in the 188 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,560 Speaker 3: middle here and you and I tell her it might 189 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 3: be the best to just have her in the wedding 190 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 3: unless I get if you're talking intimate, like you're having 191 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,559 Speaker 3: two or three girls up there, that is a little different. 192 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,920 Speaker 3: But if you're having five, then just throw her in there. 193 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 2: One hundred percent. That's honestly, like, that's my answer. 194 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 1: Now, if somebody wrote us in at some point, Ashley 195 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:55,760 Speaker 1: and said, hey, I have four girls that are going 196 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 1: to be hurt, then I would say a whole different conversation, 197 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: a whole different situation. 198 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, handle this differently. 199 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 1: But if it's one person, this is anonymous, Miss anonymous, 200 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:07,960 Speaker 1: I guess up to this point, if it's one person 201 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:21,719 Speaker 1: having your weddy, Sarah asks, when I, thirty year old 202 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: feeble say our bathroom or our house, et cetera, My husband, 203 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,679 Speaker 1: thirty year old male, always has to point out that 204 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 1: it's his house, et cetera. 205 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,720 Speaker 3: Nope, do forth him continue. 206 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: Long down, ash He'll stop me and say my house. 207 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 1: And when I get upset. He goes, it's my house, 208 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: but since I'm yours, you get to live in it. 209 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:45,520 Speaker 3: And that's disgusting. 210 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 1: Let me finish, okay, makes me feel so shitty when 211 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 1: he does that. He sort of does it in a 212 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,400 Speaker 1: joking way, but it happens without fail almost every time, 213 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 1: and I've tried to tell him it's hurtful, and he 214 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: just laughs and as he's kidding for contact. He buy 215 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 1: a house last year, right before we got married. I 216 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 1: was part of the entire process since we already lived together, 217 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,400 Speaker 1: but he put his savings into the down payment and 218 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 1: it was his name on everything. For obvious reasons, I 219 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,680 Speaker 1: had recently spent the last of my savings to payoff 220 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:19,160 Speaker 1: student loans and was only doing freelance remote work, so 221 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: I wasn't really bringing in much money and was trying 222 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,600 Speaker 1: to focus on my mental health. He has a really 223 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: good paying job and always said he was happy to 224 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: support me. I've even talked about getting a job in 225 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: my field again if that would make him happy, and 226 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:37,480 Speaker 1: he assured me that I don't need to. But now 227 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 1: it just feels like, because his money is what buys 228 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 1: mostly everything, that I'm some smooch just living off of it. 229 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,080 Speaker 1: Mind you, I'm pregnant with our first kid, do very soon. 230 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,440 Speaker 1: This was all disgusted extensively that I was to be 231 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,200 Speaker 1: a som stay at home mother. So why does he 232 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: feel the need to hurt me like that? Does he 233 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,959 Speaker 1: secretly wish I was working and bringing home more money? 234 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: Does he think I'm pathetic? It makes me feel like 235 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 1: I'm anfin roommate. He hasn't paid rent and he's doing 236 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:09,880 Speaker 1: me a favor. And another thing that confuses me is 237 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 1: if my parents' relatives ever want to give us anything 238 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: like a wedding or baby shart gift, he gets annoyed 239 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: because he wants to be the one to buy that 240 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:23,760 Speaker 1: stuff for us and doesn't want to rely on their people. Goodness, gracious, Sarah, 241 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,240 Speaker 1: this is actually like a moment to I feel like, 242 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: take a step back and understand that this is a 243 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,120 Speaker 1: lot more serious than what this question even probably relays. 244 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 1: I think, Sarah, if we were with you right now, 245 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: like you were looking for somebody to hear you and 246 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:42,839 Speaker 1: to understand that like you're hurting, and I read this, 247 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: and Sarah, I understand why you're hurting. So if you're 248 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,559 Speaker 1: listening to this podcast, just just know if you're really 249 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,719 Speaker 1: mad and you're feeling about an inch tall, and your 250 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,679 Speaker 1: confidences shot and you're kind of walking on eggshells and 251 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,840 Speaker 1: you're confused at like why your partner is talking down 252 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,360 Speaker 1: to you in this manner and why he's treating you this, 253 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,800 Speaker 1: Like I would understand why you're feeling it. 254 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 2: I get it, Sarah. 255 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 1: I read your question and the advice like there really 256 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 1: wasn't a question for advice here. It feels like more 257 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,440 Speaker 1: of like a somebody getting something off their chest. I 258 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:21,400 Speaker 1: think I my advice to you would honestly be. 259 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,839 Speaker 2: To put your foot down, like. 260 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,960 Speaker 1: To stand up and tell him this isn't okay, and 261 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 1: whatever he's wanting, whatever he's asking, whyever he feels like 262 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: he can hold this over you in a powerful way 263 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:44,079 Speaker 1: is something that he needs to stop. Because one, I've 264 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:48,120 Speaker 1: never met a couple who has one part of the 265 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:54,120 Speaker 1: partnership holding anything over the other or treating them as 266 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: a less than or completely you know, using their power. 267 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: That's worked, that's been healthy, that both partners have felt 268 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 1: like they had the ability to thrive and survive and 269 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,359 Speaker 1: be the best versions of themselves. 270 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 2: And so if you want this marriage to work, I 271 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,760 Speaker 2: will say you need to put your foot down. Now. 272 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 1: You got to be the bigger person. You've got to 273 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: confront this head on and say no, this isn't okay. 274 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,440 Speaker 1: This language needs to stop because you're hurting me. And 275 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,360 Speaker 1: if he doesn't respond well to that, then obviously he's 276 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: okay with hurting you. And he's not really listening to 277 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 1: the needs and desires that you have in life, and 278 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 1: he really doesn't want to see you be an equal 279 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,000 Speaker 1: partner in this relationship. And I think then you go 280 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 1: into a whole different set of conversations. You're having a baby, 281 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,199 Speaker 1: you know, you're carrying the child. You have the power 282 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,920 Speaker 1: you're doing. Yeah, you have the power like you you 283 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: are the boss. That's my first thought. I think the 284 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 1: second thing is there's probably some pain that he's feeling 285 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 1: or some need to maybe be that for you, Like 286 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: he probably thinks it's sexy in some way that he's 287 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: the provider, whatever that means. Even though you know, I 288 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 1: do think there's a role in life for both the 289 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,600 Speaker 1: man and the woman to provide for their partner. I 290 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 1: don't think that it's ever been healthy throughout history where 291 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 1: one person feels like they're the provider for the entire 292 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: household that they are the one carrying the weight because 293 00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:14,480 Speaker 1: quite frankly, you're going to be a stay at home mom, 294 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 1: you're carrying a lot of weight. He might go off 295 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,840 Speaker 1: the work, he's carrying a lot of weight. You're coming 296 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: back together at home. You're both doing this thing together 297 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 1: no matter what. And it's been that way throughout history. 298 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: We just have never said it, like we've always promoted 299 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 1: work over stay at home moms, and that's just not true. 300 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 1: And I think we're at a place in tile life 301 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: now where we realize that the stay at home moms 302 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: are doing as much, if not more work than anybody 303 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 1: going oh to work or whatever job they're getting paid. 304 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 1: But do you think you need to put your foot down? 305 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,400 Speaker 1: I think this needs to be a different kind of conversation. 306 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 1: I think you need to humble him a bit with 307 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 1: the language that he's using towards you. Not because you 308 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: need to get your power back. That's not why I'm 309 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,880 Speaker 1: saying this. It's because if you want this marriage to 310 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: be successful long term, there has to be an equal 311 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,040 Speaker 1: partnership in the household, which means equal language needs to 312 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,280 Speaker 1: be given, an equal opportunity needs to be given, and 313 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: there is to be a balance and what is allowed, 314 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,680 Speaker 1: what's not allowed, what's said, what's not said, And so 315 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 1: if you want this marriage to work, now's the time 316 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 1: to tell him, hey, hey buddy, this isn't fine. 317 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 3: Pretty much completely agree with Ben. I think this might 318 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 3: be an issue for couples therapy that'll best be hashed 319 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 3: out there with a professional and a mediator. I recently 320 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 3: had a friend go to couples counseling with their significant 321 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 3: other because of a situation very similar to this, where 322 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 3: like all of where all their problems came from, kind 323 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:45,240 Speaker 3: of like shared household duties and shared financial responsibilities, because 324 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 3: he saw it one way and she saw it in a 325 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 3: more traditional way, but he saw it in more of 326 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 3: a possessive like my money, your money situation. And I 327 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,600 Speaker 3: come from a family like my mom was a stay 328 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 3: at home mom ever since I was born, and my 329 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 3: dad was always the worker, and it was very traditional 330 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 3: like that. But it's always been my parents' money. It's 331 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 3: never been my dad's money. It's like when we go 332 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 3: to dinner. One time, Jared said, which is very early 333 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,840 Speaker 3: on in our dating, went to dinner and my and 334 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 3: Jared thanked my dad for dinner and I no, no, no, 335 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 3: you think my mom, and you think my mom and 336 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 3: my dad because it's their money. So I just am 337 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,440 Speaker 3: coming for the belief where I know it's different these days. 338 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 3: And of course you know you can have divided bank 339 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 3: accounts and all that. You know, some solo bankcounts, some 340 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,440 Speaker 3: joy breakouts, to totally respect anyway you do it. But 341 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 3: I don't think that this way is the healthiest. This 342 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,640 Speaker 3: is different than that. It just seems too much of 343 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 3: a division point. And I would say this is probably 344 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 3: an issue for a professional. 345 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 2: I mean, I highly recommend couples canceling. 346 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 1: I think we said every podcast so far that Jessic 347 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 1: and I have been in couples counseling since the beginning, 348 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,880 Speaker 1: not because we need saving in our relationship, but because 349 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,919 Speaker 1: we need those tweaks we want to stay healthy in 350 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,480 Speaker 1: our relationship. It's something that I'm going to on Wednesday 351 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: actually with her. No, yeah, Wednesday. It's just a thing 352 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,119 Speaker 1: in our life now. It's not uncommon, but stuff like 353 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: this could get brought up. A mediator could sit there 354 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 1: and tell you, hey, have you thought about it? 355 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 2: This way? Is this the healthiest? Past? 356 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 1: I do agree that is a good option, but something 357 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,919 Speaker 1: needs to be done. This is a very very unhealthy 358 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,679 Speaker 1: statement that he's you know, and even the question, like 359 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 1: the fact that he doesn't take gifts, I think speaks 360 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,240 Speaker 1: more to his mindset than it does to maybe how 361 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: he views his wife. 362 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:43,280 Speaker 3: Though, yeah, the gifts thing could be like a whole 363 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:48,280 Speaker 3: different it's a whole different branch of this conversation. The 364 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 3: fact that he refers to it, like if you guys 365 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 3: are out with friends and he says my house and 366 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 3: not our house, that's very strange to me. 367 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:00,960 Speaker 2: It's so weird. 368 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: Uh, Sarah, We've been here, We've given you our advice, 369 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: but we're we feel for you, we understand. 370 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 2: That you're hurting. 371 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 1: And then your question I read it and I'm I'm 372 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: I'm getting upset for you because, quite frankly, when I mean, 373 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,879 Speaker 1: at least in my belief system, in my faith system, 374 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,399 Speaker 1: when I say I want to commit to somebody for 375 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,159 Speaker 1: the rest of my life through marriage, it's not that 376 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,439 Speaker 1: I want to hold power for them. It's that I 377 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: need a partner. I need a friend. I need my 378 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 1: lover to stand by me. And we're going to do 379 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 1: this together now, together at every level. And I and 380 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: I doesn't feel like this marriage right now that he 381 00:18:51,480 --> 00:19:05,560 Speaker 1: is allowing you guys to do this together very clear, 382 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,320 Speaker 1: writes in What's a subtle way to break up with 383 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 1: my boyfriend for a bedroom? For reference, I am twenty 384 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,919 Speaker 1: one years old and my boyfriend is twenty three. I 385 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,640 Speaker 1: have been dating the guy that I love for three years, 386 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 1: but we have had a dead bedroom for two and 387 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: a half years. I've tried everything but get rejected ninety 388 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,560 Speaker 1: percent of the time. It's gotten to the point where 389 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 1: I'm seeing a psychollege because all of the insecurities that 390 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,480 Speaker 1: rejection causes me reflects in my life with friends and myself. 391 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,160 Speaker 1: It's really sad because I believe that is the only 392 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:44,159 Speaker 1: problem in our relationship. But I feel like this is 393 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,520 Speaker 1: ending me. I've tried to communicate a million times, but 394 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 1: he just says that I am addicted to sex. We 395 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 1: only have sex once or twice every two weeks, and 396 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:58,040 Speaker 1: only one round. I'm not sure if I should keep 397 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,200 Speaker 1: waiting for a change or do something about it. 398 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 3: Well, I guess Mary, it's up to you on. 399 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:08,760 Speaker 2: I don't know it. 400 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 3: Just you guys obviously have just two totally different appetites 401 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:17,040 Speaker 3: for sex and we I don't know how personally you 402 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 3: should take it with him, whether it's I would say 403 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,320 Speaker 3: that even though it's getting to your insecurities, my gut 404 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 3: is that he just is not that sexual. He doesn't 405 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,360 Speaker 3: need it that much. But of course that doesn't mean 406 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,879 Speaker 3: that you're not gonna take it personally. I totally understand 407 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:41,439 Speaker 3: how that rejection would hurt. I. Oh, I don't know 408 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,200 Speaker 3: how else to elaborate, because like it's really just gonna 409 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,480 Speaker 3: it seems like it's just coming down to appetite for it. 410 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 3: And if you have such an incompatible if you're so 411 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:56,600 Speaker 3: incompatible there and it's going to emotionally affect you and 412 00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:00,440 Speaker 3: you're so young, then perhaps it's just it is time 413 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,840 Speaker 3: to give up the relationship. But are you are you deciding, 414 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 3: are you trying to decide to end the relationship, or 415 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 3: are you trying to work it out? Because the question 416 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,159 Speaker 3: is what's a subtle way for me to break up 417 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,199 Speaker 3: with my boyfriend? I don't even think you have to 418 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 3: come up with a subtle way because this seems to 419 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 3: be such an issue in your relationship. You can just 420 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:25,640 Speaker 3: be like, this isn't working for me. I need more intimacy. 421 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,760 Speaker 3: So we're just gonna have to end. Now, what do 422 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:29,200 Speaker 3: you think? 423 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: Well, I think this is a whole different question if 424 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,680 Speaker 1: they didn't start with what's a subtle way to break 425 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:34,400 Speaker 1: up my boyfriend? 426 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 2: Feel like the question is I'm done? 427 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 3: Right? Yeah, it sounds really done. But then when you 428 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 3: read the paragraph, it sounds like the only problem in 429 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 3: the relationship is that is this? So that sucks? 430 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 1: Sure it does. Okay, So the question that you're asking 431 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 1: is how do we break up? I think a breakup 432 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: is hard, it's ugly, it's never done well. Both sides 433 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,440 Speaker 1: are hurt, it's awkward. You're telling some but you don't 434 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: want to be a part of your life anymore in 435 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: a romantic way. My advice for any breakup, ever, is 436 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,679 Speaker 1: rip the band aid off and just do it. Like 437 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 1: you're not gonna say the right words. They're gonna be 438 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: hurting no matter what, So just dive in any breakup. 439 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: There's no like, here's the trick to saying it, so 440 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,640 Speaker 1: that both sides walk away perfectly. Fine, it's not gonna happen, 441 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 1: So just break up with him. Tell him maybe why 442 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 1: so he knows like what he did wrong, so that 443 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,399 Speaker 1: he can maybe grow on that for the future and 444 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:38,240 Speaker 1: maybe with his next partner. He does realize that the needs, 445 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:43,159 Speaker 1: the intimacy needs of his partner are very important to 446 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,879 Speaker 1: keep in check into not to shame or guilt or judge. 447 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,280 Speaker 1: I also say this would be a different conversation if 448 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,880 Speaker 1: you guys were married. So one thing here that is 449 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,159 Speaker 1: to point out that your boyfriend and girlfriend, so he 450 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:57,280 Speaker 1: hasn't made that. 451 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,880 Speaker 2: Commitment to you. You haven't made that commitment to him. 452 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,360 Speaker 1: You guys don't have like the commitment to each other 453 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,400 Speaker 1: yet as boyfriend and girlfriend to where you could say, hey, 454 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:12,920 Speaker 1: as my partner, I desire sex with you more. That's 455 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 1: something that I think once you get in the marriage 456 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:15,960 Speaker 1: you can start having those conversations. 457 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,359 Speaker 3: Feel like she's had this conversation. 458 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: Sure, sure, But what I'm saying is he hasn't made 459 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,320 Speaker 1: the commitment to her yet in a marriage situation where 460 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,520 Speaker 1: he said, yes, I want to be with you for 461 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: rest in my life, where he has to be like, yeah, well, 462 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,760 Speaker 1: you know what if once you get married, I feel 463 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: like there's a level there where you're talking to your 464 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,159 Speaker 1: partner and you're like, we're going to try to do 465 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,159 Speaker 1: this thing forever, and as a result, I want to 466 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 1: try to be the best partner to you and satisfy 467 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,439 Speaker 1: your needs, especially when it comes to sex. Right, Like 468 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,280 Speaker 1: you're talking about things. Maybe you're a couple that's into 469 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,679 Speaker 1: some you know, freaky stuff and you're going to tell 470 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,399 Speaker 1: your partner, hey, I like it when you do this, 471 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,719 Speaker 1: or I want you to try this or that. In marriage, 472 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,359 Speaker 1: I do think there's already the commitment behind it to 473 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,680 Speaker 1: be like, as a partner to you, I've agreed to 474 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:06,159 Speaker 1: be the first and last stop for you when it 475 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,920 Speaker 1: comes to sex. When your boyfriend and girlfriend, if you're saying, hey, 476 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 1: he doesn't desire sex and I do, then it might 477 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,480 Speaker 1: be best for you to find a partner that does. 478 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 1: You can move on and marriage you just can't move on, 479 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,120 Speaker 1: Like that's not an option at least in our household. 480 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,680 Speaker 2: Is just to move on. You've made a commitment. 481 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,199 Speaker 1: We're going to try to figure it out so that 482 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: we both are making sure we're the best partner for 483 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: each other as often as we can. And that's why 484 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,640 Speaker 1: we communicate about it, you know, That's why we talk 485 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,439 Speaker 1: about it. That's why when you would, you know, with 486 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,280 Speaker 1: your boyfriend, you come to him and say, hey, I 487 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,000 Speaker 1: need to be intimate with you more I want to 488 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,439 Speaker 1: be intimate with you more. It brings up I lacking 489 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,879 Speaker 1: confidence when we're not intimate. When you turn me down, 490 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,120 Speaker 1: I think he right now has the ability to say, well, sorry. 491 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:51,960 Speaker 2: I'm just not the right guy for you. 492 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,320 Speaker 1: Then, But I do believe there could be a guy, 493 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: so to break up with them, to break up with them, 494 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,119 Speaker 1: end it. But I think when it comes to intimacy 495 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,080 Speaker 1: part now you know what you're looking for in your 496 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,919 Speaker 1: next relationship that you can be clear about with your partner, 497 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 1: to hopefully find somebody that, as you enter into a 498 00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:12,679 Speaker 1: long committed relationship with them, will be more able to 499 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,840 Speaker 1: satisfy your needs and your desires. And maybe this guy 500 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 1: will find you know, somebody that just likes to sit 501 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:20,160 Speaker 1: on the couch and eat popcorn. 502 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, it happened like this. The issue happened too early 503 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,159 Speaker 3: in your relationship, and it's affected you too much, and 504 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 3: you're too young for it all, So it probably isn't 505 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,959 Speaker 3: the right one. And while you think that your relationship 506 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 3: is practically perfect besides this, I'm sure you'll find somebody 507 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:41,680 Speaker 3: then realize that this future person is far more perfect for. 508 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,240 Speaker 2: You hundred percent. Yep, this is just a breakup. You 509 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 2: move on. But it sounds like you've done the communication part. 510 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,000 Speaker 2: You've expressed your needs and desires. 511 00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:55,119 Speaker 1: It's not being reciprocated, it's not being respected, So you 512 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,119 Speaker 1: move on to somebody that will. This has been almost 513 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 1: good advice. This are some great questions. Goodness gracious again, 514 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:07,040 Speaker 1: I do feel younger after this. We hear you, we 515 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:09,480 Speaker 1: feel for you, we feel with you. We're going to 516 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,080 Speaker 1: try our best every week to give you decent advice, 517 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,239 Speaker 1: advice that will cause more healing than hurting in your 518 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,680 Speaker 1: personal lives and in your relationships and your work lives. 519 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 2: Whatever. 520 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:24,080 Speaker 1: The questions kind of fall back on. So until next week, 521 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,080 Speaker 1: I've been Bet, I've been Ashley. 522 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,040 Speaker 3: Thanks for listening, guys. HI Follow the Ben and Ashley 523 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:34,000 Speaker 3: I Almost Famous podcasts on iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you 524 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,040 Speaker 3: listen to podcasts