1 00:00:04,519 --> 00:00:07,920 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girl's Podcasts, a 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,920 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,599 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:25,600 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, 6 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. 7 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning 8 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a 9 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:45,519 Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, 10 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session fifty seven 11 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: of the podcast. Today we're gonna be talking about a 12 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: topic that always garners lots of conversation, dating Today I'm 13 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:02,080 Speaker 1: joined by the millennial dating coach more Cuida Johnson. Marquida 14 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,160 Speaker 1: is a graduate of Mercer University with a Master of 15 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 1: Science in Community Counseling and Master of Divinity. She is 16 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: currently pursuing her doctoral degree in Counselor Education and Supervision. 17 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 1: Marquida received her undergraduate degree from Georgia State University in 18 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: psychology and sociology. She is a licensed professional counselor, a 19 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 1: nationally certified counselor and distance credentialed counselor. Her specialties include 20 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: women's issues, career dating, divorce, step families, and grief counseling. 21 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,680 Speaker 1: In an effort to promote healthy relationships, Marquida started offering 22 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: coaching services to help millennials who are dating. While working 23 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:51,480 Speaker 1: as a college counselor, she discovered that students were struggling 24 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 1: with intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships. Hence, she has embraced the 25 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 1: call as Atlanta's millennial dating coach. In this episode, Marqueta 26 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 1: and I chatted about some of the common challenges black 27 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 1: women having dating, ideas for where to meet new people, 28 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: how therapy can help you date better, and dating with 29 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 1: a mental health diagnosis. If you hear something that really 30 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 1: stands out to you, be sure to share it with 31 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,359 Speaker 1: us on social media by using the hashtag tv G 32 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:29,040 Speaker 1: in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for 33 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:33,720 Speaker 1: joining us today, Morequita, I am so glad to be here. 34 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 1: Dr Joy. Yeah, I was so excited to get you 35 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,519 Speaker 1: finally on the show because I know that this is 36 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 1: going to be a hot topic. Um. You know, in 37 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,400 Speaker 1: the Thrive tribe, we're always having conversations about like dating 38 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 1: and relationships. So I know that the ladies are going 39 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: to be waiting for this one. Oh yeah, relationship goals. 40 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,720 Speaker 1: I'm about to help them get their whole lives right. Yes, 41 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 1: that's what we want. That's what we want. So let 42 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,800 Speaker 1: start off on quita. Um, can you tell us maybe 43 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: some of the So you describe yourself as the millennial 44 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,800 Speaker 1: dating coach? Correct, Yes, that is me, all right. So 45 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: we are gonna be looking to you for all things 46 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,359 Speaker 1: dating and relationship. So I want to hear from you 47 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,680 Speaker 1: in the work that you've been doing. What are some 48 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: of the common challenges that you're seeing sisters have related 49 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: to dating? You know what? Um, I think it's just 50 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: those things that have always been there, like where to 51 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,080 Speaker 1: find a man, like where to go to meet them, 52 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 1: especially being here in Atlanta, being in a metropolitan city 53 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 1: where there's a lot going on. Um, women are finding 54 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: it difficult to meet the one like they feel like, 55 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: you know, I'm in a good place in my life, 56 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: I'm ready, but where are they? Where are the man? 57 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: Um And and finding someone that desires a serious relationship 58 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,960 Speaker 1: or even what you want to desire. So finding somebody 59 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,320 Speaker 1: that matches up And the thing about it is, I 60 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: believe they're just as many good men that there are 61 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,000 Speaker 1: good women out here. And the thing about it is 62 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,640 Speaker 1: they often have a hard time meeting one another. So 63 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 1: that's where I come in play, is to kind of 64 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 1: help you move out of your own way so that 65 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: you can be available to receive the one and embrace 66 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 1: the one when you meet them, you know, so that 67 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 1: that's it, and then knowing when you found the one, 68 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: so of once you have it's like, Okay, well I 69 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: met this person, and you know, I feel like we're clicking. 70 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: I feel like we're vibing, Like, but how do I 71 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: really know that this is the right one? Like, you know, 72 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: do I need a sign? You know? Are they are? 73 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: They tell me? Um, the whole online dating versus in 74 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 1: person dating. You know, those are some of the issues 75 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 1: that I find that our sisters, um, we have some 76 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: difficulties when navigating dating. Okay, so you brought up the 77 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 1: first issue that I think I hear questions around a 78 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,839 Speaker 1: lot is where do I meet people? So I'm ready 79 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: to put myself out there, I'm ready to find somebody 80 00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: serious to date. Where do I go or what do 81 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,040 Speaker 1: I do to find these people? Okay, So it's not 82 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: like finding where is waldough. I mean, it shouldn't be 83 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,719 Speaker 1: that different. You gotta go where the men are. You 84 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: gotta go to the places where they're and they're around here. 85 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 1: I mean, um, I run into them. They are at 86 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:19,119 Speaker 1: your gams, there, at the coffee places, there, at the bookstores, there, 87 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: at the grocery store. I mean. But if you don't 88 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,360 Speaker 1: get out, you can't expect them to meet you. If 89 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,800 Speaker 1: you're in the house or you're at work, you know, 90 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 1: you have to get out. So change up your routine. 91 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: Do things different, Do things that you enjoy, Like if 92 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,479 Speaker 1: you have hobbies, go go along. Don't be afraid to 93 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 1: go by yourself to places because you may be surprised 94 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: on who you bumped into, you know, if you're they're eating, 95 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 1: you know, by yourself at the bar or even just 96 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,479 Speaker 1: you know, I go out oftentimes for myself. I think 97 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: that's the kind of difficulty, is like putting yourself out there, 98 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 1: like really putting yourself out there, going out along to places, 99 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 1: and um, you know, just putting yourself in an environment 100 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:06,480 Speaker 1: to meet. So yeah, jams, restaurants, networking events, um yeah, 101 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: those are great places to meet meet man they're out there, 102 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: and I want to make sure Marqueter that we're being 103 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,599 Speaker 1: inclusive because of course everybody is not interested in dating 104 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 1: men um. So yeah, so just generally speaking, right where 105 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 1: you meeting people. There, where you're meeting they're everywhere, they're 106 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: all over here. Yeah, so wherever you're meeting people, that's right. 107 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 1: So what what tips would you have for somebody? Because 108 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: you mentioned like going to the bar, are going to 109 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 1: like restaurants by yourself, and I know a lot of 110 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 1: people are going to react to that like, oh I 111 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 1: can't do that. That feels very awkward. What tips would 112 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: you give for somebody to to be able to take 113 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:48,040 Speaker 1: those steps to go somewhere by themselves. Well, you first 114 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 1: have to be comfortable with yourself. So if you're not 115 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,240 Speaker 1: comfortable with yourself, you won't really be comfortable in a relationship. 116 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: So don't wait to get comfortable with um yourself until 117 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,720 Speaker 1: you get a relationship. So seeing yourself as being valuable 118 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,840 Speaker 1: even while you're single, UM, I think it's a great asset. 119 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 1: People see that as you know, oh, that person that's 120 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,400 Speaker 1: very confident that they're able to go out by themselves 121 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,559 Speaker 1: and enjoy their own company and have a good time. 122 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,240 Speaker 1: So I would say, you know, the first step is 123 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: just doing it. You know, sometimes it will feel awkward 124 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 1: because especially if you're around and there are a lot 125 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: of couples, but you'll find that there are other people 126 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: out eating by themselves and that's a good time to 127 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 1: strike a converstation. And you know, we missed opportunities by limiting, 128 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 1: you know, like oh I can't do that, or I 129 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: can't meet somebody online, or I can't beat somebody like this, 130 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,560 Speaker 1: Like you start to limit yourself on your options. So 131 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,640 Speaker 1: you may be missing out because of the fear or 132 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: being awkward or being afraid. So don't miss out what's yours? 133 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: So dude, you mentioned earlier Quita, this whole idea of 134 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: like getting out of your own week, can you talk 135 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,920 Speaker 1: about that means yeah, out there, Georg, that could mean 136 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: a lot, you know. UM, I find with UM coaching 137 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 1: and counseling individuals that oftentimes they're in their own way 138 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: and they are thinking that it's other people. But what 139 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 1: I like to tell them is who is the common 140 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,960 Speaker 1: denominator and all your relationships just think about them, Like, 141 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 1: reflect on all your relationships that you've ever had. What's 142 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,440 Speaker 1: the commonality and them you that's easy. It's you. You're 143 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,080 Speaker 1: the common denominator in all of your relationships. So you 144 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 1: really have to know, um, what do you want, what 145 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,479 Speaker 1: do you need? What do you desire out of relationship? 146 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,720 Speaker 1: And how you are in a relationship. You need to 147 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,319 Speaker 1: be aware of that because if you're not, you can 148 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:42,560 Speaker 1: be creating some patterns in your life and not knowing 149 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 1: like how to get to what you want and what 150 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,880 Speaker 1: you deserve out a relationship because it's you that's in 151 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: a way, So you really have to deal with that, 152 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 1: and being in therapy that can really help you move 153 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: out of your own way so that you can meet 154 00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: the one. So what kinds of things might you need 155 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 1: to maybe talk through in therapy to get out of 156 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:08,079 Speaker 1: your own way? You know, there there are some things 157 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 1: that you can talk about and it just varies on 158 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: the person or individual. The number one thing that I 159 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:20,319 Speaker 1: find this baggage that's just like it just comes up 160 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 1: over and over and over and over again. You know, 161 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,439 Speaker 1: not understanding why your last relationship didn't work. I believe 162 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,680 Speaker 1: you can't really travel to a new destination carrying around 163 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: that full bage. You know, it could weigh you down. 164 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: It gets you to a point where you don't know 165 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 1: what to do with it, so you need to do 166 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: away with it, like you gotta unpack it, though you 167 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: can't just like throw it away. And then because that 168 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,360 Speaker 1: baggage has a way of creeping up on you like 169 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: back once, you think, oh I deal with that, but 170 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: you really didn't. You just kind of, you know, push 171 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 1: it to the side and said, oh, I'm in this 172 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 1: new relationships, so things are going to be different, things 173 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 1: are gonna be better. Um, um forget. I think there 174 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 1: was a guy that that said, um, history, history repeats itself, um, 175 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:11,560 Speaker 1: and being careful about getting into a new relationship, thinking 176 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 1: that's gonna solve your problems because you'll find out that 177 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: it comes up over and over again the same things. 178 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,320 Speaker 1: And I was like, it's not. I don't think so, 179 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: you know. And then when I start looking and I 180 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,680 Speaker 1: was like, yes, that is true. You'll start seeing patterns 181 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 1: of behavior and you're like, oh, that's why I do that. 182 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 1: So really kind of understanding why you do the things 183 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: you do and why do you react the way that 184 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:37,680 Speaker 1: you react within relationships. Okay, yeah, really unpacking that bag 185 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 1: it should kind of see what kinds of issues might 186 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 1: you be bringing from relationship to relationship and contributing to 187 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,280 Speaker 1: relationships not working out for you because you have to 188 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,760 Speaker 1: ask yourself that what is it about me that I'm 189 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,559 Speaker 1: attracted these type of people too? Not what is it 190 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: about these people? What is about me? Because I'm obviously 191 00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 1: attracted it this sort of person to me with these 192 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: starting and personality or characteristic So who cannot change it? 193 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: Really changed though, But I can't change me and changing me, 194 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,679 Speaker 1: I'm going to change the response to me. So I'm 195 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 1: gonna start attracting what I want to need when I 196 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 1: put myself in a better position, you know, when I'm good, 197 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: I'm going to start attracting the things that I need 198 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: to me within relationships. So gant you. So you've talked 199 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,200 Speaker 1: about online dating a couple of times. So what tips 200 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,679 Speaker 1: do you have or things that we need to kind 201 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 1: of be thinking about if we're gonna be trying online dating. 202 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: You know, um, it's an interesting thing. But oh, online 203 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 1: dating is very interesting because you know, dating has changed, 204 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,800 Speaker 1: you know from five teen years ago, it's really changed. 205 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:50,920 Speaker 1: And oftentimes you're going to meet a person potentially online 206 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: and if it's something you're open to communicating what you 207 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,319 Speaker 1: what you're doing there like, um, knowing that everybody has 208 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 1: a different agenda there, I'll all that, um going for 209 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: a buffet or like a main dish. So some people 210 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,199 Speaker 1: are they're just buffeting it up, like they're just templing, 211 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,360 Speaker 1: like they're just trying to get their sample on. And uh, 212 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: you know anything about buffets, you're in a sick or 213 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,960 Speaker 1: you end up you know, still full when you leave. 214 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,080 Speaker 1: Like that's the weirdest thing. Like you go, you know, buffet, 215 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,679 Speaker 1: like you get really full and then you're like sick 216 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 1: or it's like m hmm, I don't really feel like 217 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 1: I had anything to eat. Um, I had a little 218 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: bit of everything. So other people are going there with 219 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,719 Speaker 1: the kind of made of course in mind, like they 220 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,600 Speaker 1: want to untrade. They know what they're want. They have 221 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: a purpose in dating, and they're there for that purpose. 222 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 1: So you have to determine the people that you potential 223 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: dates where they stand within that and knowing where you 224 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 1: stand within that and communicate what you want to need. 225 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 1: But also you know, being okay when a person says 226 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,680 Speaker 1: like no, like I find that that's a problem when 227 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,040 Speaker 1: you know you think, um, the total package, you believe that, 228 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: and you you maybe there will be the total package. 229 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,400 Speaker 1: And you meet this person and you're like, they should 230 00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,440 Speaker 1: you know, be trying to marry me, trying to put 231 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,160 Speaker 1: a ring on it, or trying to, you know, say 232 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: this is my day, this is my book. But they're not, 233 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 1: Like what's wrong with them? Why don't they, you know, 234 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 1: react to me that way? And I always say, if 235 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,600 Speaker 1: somebody shows you who they are, like system my Angelo, 236 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,199 Speaker 1: believe them. If they say they can't give you what 237 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 1: you want or need, believe them because they gives you 238 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,280 Speaker 1: a beautiful opportunity to get what you want or need. 239 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 1: Don't try to convince that person that you're the one 240 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: with them. That is the wrong thing to do because 241 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,480 Speaker 1: you're setting that relationship. But for you to continuously do that, 242 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: trying to convince this person that you're worthy of their love, 243 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 1: you're worthy of their affection, you're worthy to be with them, 244 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,079 Speaker 1: And that's an unhealthy way to begin a relationship. That 245 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: that foundation will not stand in any type of healthy relationship. Yeah, 246 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,760 Speaker 1: my queen, did you bring up an interesting point, Because 247 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,480 Speaker 1: something else I think that often comes up is this 248 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 1: whole reticence to like even bring up the conversation about 249 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 1: like what are we or like even initiating like the 250 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: conversation about right defining the relationship or you know, are 251 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 1: we gonna be exclusive? What kinds of tips might you 252 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,679 Speaker 1: have around that for people who have some anxiety about 253 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: like bringing up that conversation. If you don't communicate about it, 254 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: it's it's the bad start to a relationship. I mean, 255 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 1: communication is hinged on healthy relationships. So you want to 256 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,640 Speaker 1: be very upfront about what you want or you need. 257 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,720 Speaker 1: Don't settle. You know, if somebody showing you the signs 258 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 1: that they don't really want to define it, and any 259 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: man or woman that wants to be in a relationship 260 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: with you, they are wanting to define it. Like they're 261 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 1: wanting to make sure you know, um, that they're serious 262 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 1: about you. There were they want to communicate that to you, 263 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 1: that they care about you, they like you. Um. I 264 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: was kind of reflected on the experience that I had 265 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,040 Speaker 1: when I was dating someone and you know, this person 266 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: gave me the keys of their house and all this stuff, 267 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: Like I never even asked for that, but in in 268 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,520 Speaker 1: retrospect kind of looking back, like this person wanted me 269 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 1: to know they were serious, Like there's nobody else like 270 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: You're it they so they wouldn't leave a shadow in 271 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,840 Speaker 1: your mind or any kind of doubt in your mind. 272 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 1: They want to let you know, like, these are my 273 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 1: intentions and this is what I mean. So if there 274 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 1: is some you know, ambiguity about it, then it probably 275 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 1: isn't you know, worth it. You want to make sure 276 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,680 Speaker 1: that you're clear about what this is and other person 277 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 1: is clear. So nobody is like walking around in the dark, 278 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 1: like you're thinking you're in a relationship with this person 279 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:40,440 Speaker 1: is out buffet and their sampling and you you know 280 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: you're ready for the main course, but they've been out 281 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,640 Speaker 1: there sampling, so you know they're either pretending like they're 282 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,040 Speaker 1: fool or you know they don't know what's going on. 283 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,720 Speaker 1: So I think that's the healthiest way to approach it 284 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,720 Speaker 1: is communicating you know what are we you know where 285 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 1: are we going? That's the whole relationship goals things is 286 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:02,960 Speaker 1: in any healthy relationship, you should be continually assessing where 287 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: you are and where you're going. Anything in life you 288 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: have goals, you know, whether it's your educational pursuits, business wise, entrepreneurship, 289 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: whether that's in family and relationships, you have some sort 290 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 1: of goals that you're trying to reach financial goals, and 291 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: you set those goals and you talk about them and 292 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,200 Speaker 1: you revisit them. Same way relationships, you're gonna talk about them, 293 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 1: you're gonna revisit them. You know. It's about being vulnerable 294 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: with good boundaries though, so knowing that you can be 295 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: vulnerable but have good boundaries to communicate what you want 296 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,600 Speaker 1: and what you need our relationships so that both of 297 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,800 Speaker 1: you can be clear about where you stand and any 298 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,120 Speaker 1: ideas one created, Like at what point do you have 299 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: that conversation? You know, it's it's always doing one of 300 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: those things that you have to gauge, you know, and 301 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 1: everybody is different. Some people believe in love at first 302 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: sight and their love at first sight, you know. Other 303 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: people need some time to develop. I say, don't rush 304 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,359 Speaker 1: the process because what people do is they want to 305 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 1: skip to the end of that, like they want to 306 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: be done with dating. They want to move on right 307 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: to this person is my bed, and um they're like 308 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,119 Speaker 1: this my girlfriend is my this my fiance, this is 309 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,439 Speaker 1: my husbands my wife, Like we have a habit of 310 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,880 Speaker 1: wanting to rush things, like we want it to be 311 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,960 Speaker 1: to the good part, you know, or to the serious part. 312 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 1: But enjoy dating. Have fun with it, Like it's a process, 313 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,399 Speaker 1: so you don't want to skip to the end, you know, 314 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,720 Speaker 1: just because you want to get to the seriousness of 315 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:37,520 Speaker 1: the relationship. Really enjoy the experience of it, you know. Um, 316 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,640 Speaker 1: just like when you're cooking something. I use a lot 317 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 1: of analogies because a lot of examples, but when you're cooking, 318 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:45,439 Speaker 1: like or baking, you don't want to skip out on 319 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 1: an ingredient because they might not turn out the way 320 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: that you want it to. So you want to be 321 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,360 Speaker 1: very clear about this is the dating phase, you know, 322 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,080 Speaker 1: and maybe we're not exclusive yet, but this is communicating 323 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,399 Speaker 1: this is what I'm looking for in a relationship, this 324 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,679 Speaker 1: is what I want to move towards. And listening for 325 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,200 Speaker 1: what the other person saying. Don't just you know, assume 326 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:09,479 Speaker 1: that they're looking for the same thing. Really listen to 327 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: what they're saying, and then follow it up by observe 328 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,440 Speaker 1: what they're doing their actions. You know, if this person 329 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,119 Speaker 1: is very serious about you, then they're going to show 330 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,360 Speaker 1: you that, um they're gonna You shouldn't have to hint 331 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 1: around to it. They should be there showing up and 332 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,399 Speaker 1: showing you that, hey, I want to be with you, 333 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 1: I want to be in this relationship because you have 334 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: to nurture the relationship because if you don't nurture it, 335 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: it will not live, it will not flourish. So something 336 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 1: else that I've been asking a lot more quitta um 337 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 1: is related to dating with a mental health diagnosis. So 338 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:48,159 Speaker 1: how soon in like a dating relationship would you share 339 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: that information with somebody who you're thinking about maybe being 340 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,199 Speaker 1: serious with. And that's another thing that you have to 341 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:58,639 Speaker 1: gauge because that's very that's something that is vulnerable, you know, 342 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,960 Speaker 1: showing your vulnerability regarding your mental health diagnosis, and you 343 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,400 Speaker 1: want to make sure that a person is able to 344 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,800 Speaker 1: handle that like that they know how to handle that 345 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,080 Speaker 1: appropriate least. So I would say gauge it by having 346 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:15,200 Speaker 1: conversations with the person, like being transparent with them about things. 347 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 1: Is it evolved like not on the first date? Definitely, 348 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 1: because some people's not, you know, they're not ready to 349 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,199 Speaker 1: handle that. They don't even know, they may have not 350 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,879 Speaker 1: even explored their own mental health. So you want to 351 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,880 Speaker 1: be careful about just sharing it with everybody because then 352 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: all of your business is out in the streets, you know, 353 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,080 Speaker 1: So you don't want to do that, just like anything 354 00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:39,800 Speaker 1: else you want to have that time to UM allow 355 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:43,720 Speaker 1: it to be a process. So gauge them and test 356 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,720 Speaker 1: them out by having some conversations about different things that 357 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 1: you feel like that person would have an opinion about, 358 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: and listen to what they're saying, you know, listen to 359 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 1: the conversations that they have so that it gives you 360 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:58,960 Speaker 1: an idea of how to approach that person when you 361 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,200 Speaker 1: know that I want and move to the next level. 362 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: I think as it gets more serious, you're spending more 363 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,920 Speaker 1: time together, UM, it's bounded that person may start to 364 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,440 Speaker 1: see some of your um mental health concerns come out. 365 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,840 Speaker 1: So you don't want to catch them off by surprise, 366 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,399 Speaker 1: like if you have a depressive episode and then you 367 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 1: know you're sleeping and you're not wanting to be bothered. 368 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,600 Speaker 1: You don't want them to take it personally internal, you know, 369 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,080 Speaker 1: kind of take that on it as their own stuff. 370 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,680 Speaker 1: You want them to know that, hey, this is kind 371 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,480 Speaker 1: of what's going on with me, and this happens from 372 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,640 Speaker 1: time to time, and these are some ways that you're 373 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,800 Speaker 1: getting helped for it. So I think that transparency is 374 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,679 Speaker 1: key and that vulnerability, because you know, we're afraid in 375 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: relationships of getting hurt you know so much so that 376 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,400 Speaker 1: we build up walls, but we want to do boundaries 377 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,680 Speaker 1: and not walls, because you know, boundaries are flexible. I 378 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,639 Speaker 1: call them my v I p row you know it 379 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: lets you know who gives access, excess is granted or 380 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:58,920 Speaker 1: excess is not granted. And um, other times with the walls, 381 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: you know you gotta tear down, you gotta bull those 382 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,399 Speaker 1: those so it takes more time to get those walls down. 383 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,240 Speaker 1: But you want to have healthy boundaries and relationships so 384 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:13,160 Speaker 1: you don't feel like you're oversharing or undersharing. So you've 385 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: already mentioned UM, I've heard you say a couple of times, 386 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,399 Speaker 1: like to make sure you're listening. UM. So it's not 387 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,240 Speaker 1: only about like asking the questions but also making sure 388 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,200 Speaker 1: that we're giving space for the answers. You mentioned that, 389 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: and you've also mentioned UM communication that is really important 390 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,040 Speaker 1: to be communicating, like your needs and your wants in 391 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: a relationship. Are there any other mistakes or like things 392 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:40,440 Speaker 1: that you see UM sisters making in relationship in relation 393 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: to dating, Like other things that you see kind of 394 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,679 Speaker 1: keep coming up that you feel like, oh, you know, 395 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,720 Speaker 1: we maybe you should be doing a better job around this. 396 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:52,240 Speaker 1: I would say settling, So stop it, stop it, stop it, 397 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:57,360 Speaker 1: stop settling. You know, UM, you're valuable single, and you're 398 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 1: just as valuable when you're in a relationship. So you're 399 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,560 Speaker 1: how you doesn't come from your relationship status. It's not 400 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,960 Speaker 1: determined by that. UM. If you know you want something 401 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:10,480 Speaker 1: and you know that that's what you deserve, be able 402 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,679 Speaker 1: to work towards that. Because when you found you settle, 403 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 1: you put yourself, you know, out of the running for 404 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,240 Speaker 1: what you don't want you know in your life, or 405 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 1: what you want. Rather in your life, you're settling for 406 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 1: what you don't want, and you take yourself out of 407 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 1: running for what you want, and you'll find that that 408 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:33,280 Speaker 1: may take you off of your trap a little bit 409 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,720 Speaker 1: of getting to the one. You're spending so much time 410 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,879 Speaker 1: with the wrong person that you can't get to the 411 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: right person. So that's what I help with, UM, you 412 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,960 Speaker 1: don't spend time, you spend less time with the wrong person, 413 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,440 Speaker 1: so that you can get into the one that's for you, 414 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: into that right relationship, into that relationship that you want 415 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,640 Speaker 1: and you desire. UM. Another part of that is your 416 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,959 Speaker 1: mindset and mentality when dating, Like what type of language 417 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 1: do you use when you describe your dame life. Are 418 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 1: you always like, oh, it's there are no good men, 419 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: there no good women out here. Dating it's hard. Um, 420 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,840 Speaker 1: you know, it's easier to get in a relationship and 421 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,440 Speaker 1: it's difficult to maintain it. Or everybody's the same. Like 422 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 1: if you're so negative about dating and relationships, you have 423 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 1: to look at where is that coming from. Um, you 424 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,159 Speaker 1: have to know that if I'm speaking that kind of 425 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 1: stuff into the atmosphere, I'm gonna attract it to me, 426 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,920 Speaker 1: you know. Um. So really those are two things that 427 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,239 Speaker 1: come up, and this whole total package thing of you know, 428 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,680 Speaker 1: I'm the total package and I need someone to kind 429 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: of match me. And um, I don't think it's anything 430 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:43,160 Speaker 1: wrong with that, But sometimes you're looking for the total package, 431 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 1: but it's coming in a different package than what you expected. 432 00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: So you start to let your limiting yourself. Um, you're 433 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: taking yourself out of the running, out of the game 434 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,120 Speaker 1: of you know, meeting the one because you're so focused 435 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,000 Speaker 1: on how it's supposed to look and how it's supposed 436 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,920 Speaker 1: to be that you miss an offer tunitty to really 437 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,119 Speaker 1: need a great girl or a great guy, a great 438 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: woman or a great man. And um, I think that's 439 00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: that comes up a lot, So I'm cui do you 440 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,879 Speaker 1: and your work, um have your clients do things like 441 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 1: right down a list of things they're looking for in 442 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 1: a partner, Like is that something that you feel like 443 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:23,240 Speaker 1: it's helpful when you're thinking about like this whole total 444 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,439 Speaker 1: package or can that be more harmful? What are your 445 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: thoughts about that? You know, um, dr joy It can 446 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:32,919 Speaker 1: be helpful until it's harmful. You know, if you're so 447 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,080 Speaker 1: focused on that that again you don't see anything else 448 00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:39,320 Speaker 1: outside of that, it can be very harmful. UM. I 449 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,160 Speaker 1: like to call them negotiables and non negotiable, so things 450 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: that you are willing to deal with, and then there're 451 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,360 Speaker 1: the deal workers, Like there's some things you can negotiate on. 452 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,520 Speaker 1: Like some people say, oh, I don't want anybody to 453 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,360 Speaker 1: have kids, but then they meet somebody and they're like, Okay, 454 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: you know this is doable. This is something that I 455 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,600 Speaker 1: can do. So that's kind of a negotiable, Like yeah, 456 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,440 Speaker 1: you know it was something, but maybe something about not 457 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:07,520 Speaker 1: having someone that abuses substances or that's abusive, like that's 458 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 1: none negotiable. So healthy relationships and relationships are there in 459 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,200 Speaker 1: harmony are the goal um, I don't necessarily like I 460 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,200 Speaker 1: want them to write a list about the other um 461 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 1: individual that they're seeking. I want them to write a 462 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: list about themselves. Because my focus with this whole dating 463 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,640 Speaker 1: and relationships is to really understand that it starts with you, 464 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 1: and the more that you get in tune with that, 465 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,239 Speaker 1: you will attract what you want to need. But you 466 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,359 Speaker 1: can't get ready when the person comes, Like you have 467 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,119 Speaker 1: to be brady, you know, because you're constantly going to 468 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 1: be evolving, But you need to be in a space 469 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 1: emotionally to embrace the person when they come along. Like 470 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,960 Speaker 1: you can't say, oh, you know, I'm I'm gonna get 471 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: this together. I'm gonna get ready when the person comes. Well, no, 472 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 1: I want you to already be in a good space 473 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,480 Speaker 1: to accept them when they come. Um. And that's both 474 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:05,760 Speaker 1: for men and women. Got it. So making a list 475 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,560 Speaker 1: can be helpful, But making a list about yourself is 476 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:13,520 Speaker 1: the most helpful. Let's be most helpful because you're working 477 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,000 Speaker 1: on the issues and concerns that you have, and I 478 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,399 Speaker 1: think it really just puts you in a good emotional 479 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:23,639 Speaker 1: space and you're not focusing on getting something externally like 480 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:27,200 Speaker 1: from something else. You're focused internally, and you're often find 481 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,359 Speaker 1: that when you start to do that, things will start 482 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 1: coming to you out of everywhere. You're like what You're like, Oh, wow, 483 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,080 Speaker 1: I went from zero days to like three days a week, 484 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,560 Speaker 1: and it's like I went from feeling like there were 485 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,440 Speaker 1: no potentials for me to like heaven people that I 486 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 1: can choose from. Like what I was like, Yes, that 487 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:52,439 Speaker 1: can happen. You know, it really can happen. So what 488 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,960 Speaker 1: suggestions do you have for people who may be feeling 489 00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,320 Speaker 1: a little gunshy about like getting back into um, dady 490 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 1: feel after maybe like a breakup or a divorce. Yeah, 491 00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:05,920 Speaker 1: it can. It can be hard to get back out 492 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,880 Speaker 1: there in the game when you you know you've been 493 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,720 Speaker 1: on the sidelines, that maybe you got a little injury. Um, 494 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,480 Speaker 1: it can be difficult because you're remembering that pain, you're 495 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,800 Speaker 1: remembering that hurt, and you're carrying that with you. So 496 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: the best thing to do is to really, you know, 497 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 1: if a breakup is causing a lot of distress emotionally, 498 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: to seek out therapy. Like, that's the best thing that 499 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: I can advise because again, you'll start to do your 500 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: own healing, you know, for yourself, so that you're in 501 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,040 Speaker 1: a better position to accept the next relationship, to be 502 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:42,399 Speaker 1: open even to a relationship. Uh. And and enjoying dating 503 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,760 Speaker 1: like having fun with it. I think so many people 504 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:50,280 Speaker 1: are like, it's complicated, it's hard, you know, Uh, it's stressful. 505 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,960 Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, who wants to be who wants 506 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,040 Speaker 1: to sign up for that? Nobody? Um, you wanted to 507 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,320 Speaker 1: be enjoyable. You can make it fun. Um, but again, 508 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,320 Speaker 1: don't try to you know Russia so much, so like, 509 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:07,800 Speaker 1: really enjoy the process of it. Um. I always say, 510 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 1: if the person of your dreams, like if you close 511 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,800 Speaker 1: your eyes and you imagine like perfect date, or you 512 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 1: know the person of your dreams and you know, using 513 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,120 Speaker 1: your five senses, like tell me what you see, tell 514 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,520 Speaker 1: me what you taste, tell me you know all of that, 515 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 1: And really I want the person to get in tune 516 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,160 Speaker 1: with Oh, these are some things that I enjoy. These 517 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:32,760 Speaker 1: are some things that, um, that make it's fun for me. 518 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,480 Speaker 1: You know, this is the excitement that I look forward to, 519 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,400 Speaker 1: and I want you to tap into that. And knowing 520 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,480 Speaker 1: that relationships are not always easy, I don't really think 521 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,360 Speaker 1: they were designed to be that way. Um. People look 522 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:49,440 Speaker 1: at Beyonce and jay z relationship, goals um, Barack Obama 523 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: and Michelle like, I want to have a relationship like that. 524 00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:54,880 Speaker 1: But do you know their journey that they had to 525 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 1: go through it again? To what you see? You know 526 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:02,320 Speaker 1: only what you see. You don't see them behind closed doors. 527 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: They let those garages to their nice homes, and you know, 528 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:10,440 Speaker 1: you don't see the back story. And relationships are work, 529 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,920 Speaker 1: but they're so worth it, you know, we really at 530 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,560 Speaker 1: the core of who we are, we need relationships like 531 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: we desire them, we yearn for them, and it's it's 532 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing, like being in a healthy relationship is 533 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,640 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. Having somebody else to hold that we're 534 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:30,200 Speaker 1: up to you, you hold that we're up to them. 535 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:35,040 Speaker 1: It is beautiful, just absolutely amazing how much you can 536 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,719 Speaker 1: grow um from being a relationship with the right person, 537 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:42,720 Speaker 1: but also learning from your past mistakes, you know, of 538 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 1: being in relationships with the wrong person um or having 539 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,320 Speaker 1: the wrong time, and that can be a great lesson 540 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,960 Speaker 1: to help you kind of build a solid foundation for 541 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: your next relationship. Yeah, it's often funny how that works out, 542 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,280 Speaker 1: And of course you can't see it in the immediate after. 543 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 1: Man and I could break up or something, right, but 544 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,640 Speaker 1: you know. It definitely has been my experience and those 545 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,760 Speaker 1: of my clients. You know that you do learn some 546 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,680 Speaker 1: of the biggest lessons after something doesn't work out right, 547 00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,160 Speaker 1: like learning more about what kinds of things you do 548 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,320 Speaker 1: or don't want right and what what went well in 549 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,200 Speaker 1: the relationship. I think we don't celebrate ourselves enough for 550 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 1: the successes that we have in relationships because it's some 551 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,800 Speaker 1: hard work. I mean, I don't know an easy one. 552 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,280 Speaker 1: If you find an easy relationship, tell me about it. 553 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,480 Speaker 1: You know, the one you have with your family. Then 554 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,360 Speaker 1: when you have with your children, your significant other, your coworkers, 555 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: your best friends, they all have some complexity, some issues, 556 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:44,480 Speaker 1: some something has happened. Any deep meaningful relationships, something has happened. Um, 557 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,000 Speaker 1: I have a best friend of over a decade and 558 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: we have a great relationship, but things have happened in 559 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,959 Speaker 1: the relationship where we've had to adjust who, We've had 560 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,120 Speaker 1: to communicate, we had to have tough conversations. But it's 561 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,920 Speaker 1: well worth it, you know, So don't think like that 562 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,960 Speaker 1: it's always want to be like an easy button, because 563 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,960 Speaker 1: it's not. But it needs to be healthy and in harmony. 564 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 1: So that's what I focus on, is healthy and harmony. 565 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:14,600 Speaker 1: So what are some of your favorite resources related to dating, Marquita, Well, 566 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: I have a lot of good ones, a lot of 567 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: colleagues that, um work a lot in actually relationships, not 568 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:25,120 Speaker 1: so much dating. I gotta get my dating people up 569 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 1: because that's why I deal with it, because it's the 570 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 1: foundation of relationships. So if you want to go back 571 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:34,240 Speaker 1: to where the problems that issue start, usually they were 572 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,719 Speaker 1: there in dating, you know, and they just kind of 573 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,800 Speaker 1: worked on up to relationships. So UM, I have a 574 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: Urine Luck date planning services that helps you like planning 575 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:51,000 Speaker 1: dates and do like creative dates here. Um it's based 576 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 1: in Atlanta, but they can help you with all kind 577 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:57,760 Speaker 1: of dating. And um Shade Middle Class Matchmaker helps with 578 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 1: dating and relationship actually matches you. You know. It has 579 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:07,280 Speaker 1: a lot of great events, real relationships scientists Simmons. He 580 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 1: is amazing. He talks about all of this from pheromones 581 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:14,640 Speaker 1: to all kinds of things that go on at a 582 00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:19,160 Speaker 1: scientific level about dating and relationships and courting. So yeah, 583 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: those are some great things. And um, once you moved 584 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,120 Speaker 1: from dating, because I hope with dating and relationships. But 585 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:30,120 Speaker 1: I have another powerhouse that's out in California, Kiandra. She 586 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,560 Speaker 1: helps with relationships and so yeah, those are some of 587 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:37,040 Speaker 1: the resources that I utilize and my go toos that 588 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 1: I like to um lean on in any books, any 589 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,560 Speaker 1: books or podcasts or anything that you really like that 590 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:47,240 Speaker 1: you know, you feel like give good examples, are good 591 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:52,760 Speaker 1: information about dating and relationships, you know what. Besides Therapy 592 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:58,000 Speaker 1: for Black Girl, that's one of my favorites that I 593 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:02,480 Speaker 1: listened to often. There are a few, but not any 594 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:08,080 Speaker 1: specifically that I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, definitely listened to those, 595 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 1: So we'll have to keep an eye out for that. 596 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 1: I'm working on a book, um so that should be 597 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,920 Speaker 1: out soon. I'm putting myself on the deadline because I 598 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,360 Speaker 1: really want to help those with dating and relationships. I 599 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:22,680 Speaker 1: love if I love languages, that's always a good go 600 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,360 Speaker 1: to when you're starting out, um in relationships to learn 601 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,720 Speaker 1: more about yourself. Uh and the hard and soft sides 602 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,240 Speaker 1: of love that's always a good one too that I recommend. 603 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:37,040 Speaker 1: So yeah, those are some books I gotta step up 604 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:41,840 Speaker 1: on the podcast. So do you have any events or 605 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:46,440 Speaker 1: anything coming up that you want to share information about. Absolutely. 606 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,920 Speaker 1: First all, I want to thank you so much for 607 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:54,040 Speaker 1: having me on. It's been a pleasure. I've enjoyed this. Um, 608 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:57,240 Speaker 1: I'm speaking all over about dating and relationships, so I 609 00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,160 Speaker 1: would love for you all to join it at my 610 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 1: next event and UM, you could follow me on Instagram, 611 00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:07,600 Speaker 1: Facebook at Millennial Dating Coach and on Twitter at Dating 612 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,960 Speaker 1: Coach a t L for the latest. UM, I love 613 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:14,799 Speaker 1: to share some dating tibts, jewels and empowering messages to 614 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:17,759 Speaker 1: help you with your dating life and get it ignited. 615 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:22,320 Speaker 1: For two eighteen, UM, I'm having the cakes and Conversations 616 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:28,960 Speaker 1: partner with Kelly's Cakes, and it's on Saturday, May the nineteenth. UM. 617 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,920 Speaker 1: It'll be in Atlanta, so you'll get to decorate your 618 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,800 Speaker 1: very own cakes. So if you've always had a dream 619 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,520 Speaker 1: of you know, being a baker, you watched that with 620 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:43,680 Speaker 1: Baker's Wars or those cake balls, then this is your 621 00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:46,520 Speaker 1: time to have your cake and eat it too. So 622 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:50,880 Speaker 1: we're gonna have some juicy conversations led by yours truly, 623 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: and we'll have some our dirt and some wine. So 624 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,759 Speaker 1: the tickets are on sale now at event pire. You 625 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:02,000 Speaker 1: can go on my website, bring a girlfriend, your sister, friend, 626 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:07,360 Speaker 1: your mom, whoever. Uh. Seating is limited. So UM, and 627 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,759 Speaker 1: I also want to offer a discount to your listeners 628 00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:14,600 Speaker 1: on my dating coach and services, So definitely, UM, go 629 00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:17,640 Speaker 1: to my website at Millennial Dating Coach and the co 630 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:22,400 Speaker 1: world is like dating? Um, why not throw in my 631 00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 1: webinar The Key to Ignite your Dating life and for 632 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:29,359 Speaker 1: the love of money. Um, those are two free webinars 633 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,600 Speaker 1: that I will also give your listeners because I'm glad 634 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:36,360 Speaker 1: to be here. I'm enjoying it. And what was the code? 635 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,840 Speaker 1: Did you say again? With Cuida Black Dating? Black Dating? Okay? 636 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,240 Speaker 1: All right, so I will definitely be sure to include 637 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:46,160 Speaker 1: all of that information in the show notes so people 638 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 1: can find that. Yes, very cool. All right, Well, thank 639 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,399 Speaker 1: you so much for joining us to day we Quitter. 640 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:55,520 Speaker 1: I appreciate it. I have enjoyed it. Thank you so 641 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:59,880 Speaker 1: much for having me dotr Joy. You're welcome. Wasn't that 642 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,520 Speaker 1: incredible information? Did you pick up any new tips about 643 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:06,520 Speaker 1: how to date better? Please let us know by sharing 644 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:09,200 Speaker 1: your thoughts about the episode with us on social media 645 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,399 Speaker 1: and make sure to tag our accounts. You can find 646 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:15,440 Speaker 1: us on Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be 647 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:19,720 Speaker 1: Girls and on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls, 648 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:22,880 Speaker 1: and be sure to check out all the incredible resources 649 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:26,240 Speaker 1: that Marquida mentioned at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com 650 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:30,080 Speaker 1: slash Session fifty seven. If you're looking for a therapist 651 00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:33,200 Speaker 1: in your area, visit Therapy for Black Girls dot com 652 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:37,319 Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you want to continue this conversation 653 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:40,160 Speaker 1: and join a community of other sisters who listen to 654 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:43,520 Speaker 1: the podcast, join us over in the Thrive tribe at 655 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:47,239 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure 656 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,680 Speaker 1: that you answer the three questions. Thank you all again 657 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,040 Speaker 1: so much for joining me this week, and I look 658 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:56,200 Speaker 1: forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. 659 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:21,440 Speaker 1: Take gif cap I Actor part I, Octor hot I 660 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:32,320 Speaker 1: Hoctor part I oft