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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: couch Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and I'm very glad you're here.

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Speaker 1: If you're new and you don't know what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy that

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Speaker 1: comes out every single Wednesday, where I answer questions that

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Speaker 1: you guys send to me and if you have a question,

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Speaker 1: you can send that to Katherine at Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com and then maybe one day I'll answer it.

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Speaker 1: Quick reminder up top, especially for couch Talks, is that

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Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist and although on this episode I'm

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Speaker 1: answering some of your questions, this podcast still does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a substitute or a replacement for mental health services,

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Speaker 1: including therapy in itself. Although it might lead you to therapy,

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Speaker 1: and we love that, We really do love that. So

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Speaker 1: this week we have one question, and if you are

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Speaker 1: new again, we always like to keep these anonymous because

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Speaker 1: you know, touchy things and sometimes we just like to

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Speaker 1: send in questions and have nobody know that we ask them.

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Speaker 1: And you know what, I'm glad because I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of people send in questions, especially this one that

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Speaker 1: a lot of people can relate to, so it doesn't

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Speaker 1: really matter who sent it in because a lot of

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Speaker 1: us are wondering the answer, which is why more than

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Speaker 1: one person listens to the podcast, which I'm very grateful for.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, guys. And also if you're new, and even

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Speaker 1: if you're not new and you just haven't done this,

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Speaker 1: I would love, love, love, love love for you guys

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Speaker 1: to write the podcast, maybe even leave a comment. That

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Speaker 1: would be super cool, and you can do that on

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts and guys, you can do that on Spotify

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Speaker 1: now as well. So if you have not honestly listen,

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Speaker 1: I was listening to listen as if you weren't listening,

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Speaker 1: maybe you are not. Sometimes I zone out I'm listen

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Speaker 1: to podcasts, but I was listening to an episode of

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Speaker 1: the Morning Toast, which is my newest podcast obsession. It

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Speaker 1: is so funny. I love a lot of certain podcasts

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Speaker 1: because I like people's voices, like I don't know how

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Speaker 1: to describe that. It's not ansomar, but certain podcasts I

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Speaker 1: do like listening to because the hosts voices and I

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Speaker 1: found The Morning Toast through like a TikTok video and

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Speaker 1: I love Jackie's voice, like she just has this like

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Speaker 1: New York access. Just the way they enunciate things. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, They're just silly in the way that they speak. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: that's not important. But I was listening to one of

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Speaker 1: their episodes last week, and I highly recommend it. It's

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Speaker 1: just silly pop culture. They talk about their lives and

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Speaker 1: I listen. I think a lot of people listen to

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Speaker 1: their podcast. I'm getting to the point. They were talking

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Speaker 1: about how they put the podcast out for free, and

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Speaker 1: they're like, we put this podcast out for free, and

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Speaker 1: you get this for free, and and we do, and

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Speaker 1: we want to continue to do that for you. And

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Speaker 1: only thing we ask of you is that you follow

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Speaker 1: us on YouTube, even if you don't ever want to

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Speaker 1: watch us on YouTube. Now I don't have a YouTube,

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Speaker 1: but I really liked their strategy. She's a comedian, so

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Speaker 1: she was being funny, but she was like, if every

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Speaker 1: single person that listens to this podcast doesn't go subscribe

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Speaker 1: to our YouTube channel, I'm going to make every episode

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Speaker 1: cost like one million dollars. Now, I don't think she's

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Speaker 1: really gonna do that, but I thought it was funny

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Speaker 1: and I liked her point like, podcasts are free for

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Speaker 1: the most part, and so all we really want from

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Speaker 1: you is to like support us in ways that help

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Speaker 1: the podcast be shared and spread. And one of the

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Speaker 1: ways that is is writing them. So that is my

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Speaker 1: long wited way to say, please give us a raty. Okay,

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Speaker 1: now let's get to the question for today. I got

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Speaker 1: this one last week and was like, immediately, we're doing

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Speaker 1: this next week and emailed her back. So here is

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Speaker 1: the question, and then after we will talk about it together. Hey, kat,

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Speaker 1: my question recommendations on how to approach friends slash family

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Speaker 1: who make negative comments about how they feel you're operating

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Speaker 1: outside of in quote societal norms. For example, my boyfriend

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Speaker 1: is five and a half years younger than I am.

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Speaker 1: I'm thirty, he's twenty four. This hasn't been a problem

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Speaker 1: for us whatsoever, but lately, the closer we get to

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Speaker 1: talking about engagement, people have been questioning are in quotes

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Speaker 1: age gap. There's so many dating relationships that fit outside

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Speaker 1: societal norms though, so I can't be alone in this.

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Speaker 1: Any ideas on how to talk to people about this.

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Speaker 1: Many blessings to you, your friend in Colorado, and yeah, gosh,

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Speaker 1: you're not alone. In this at all. There are many

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Speaker 1: ways that people have very successful, healthy relationships that don't

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Speaker 1: always fit in the norms that society places on relationships.

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Speaker 1: Age gaps are super interesting to me, especially because if

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Speaker 1: there is an age gap specifically in like a hetero

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Speaker 1: sexual relationship, then usually it's the guy that's older and

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Speaker 1: like he's also not more than like five years older,

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Speaker 1: and well, that can feel like really limiting, like if

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Speaker 1: we can only date people that are in this age

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Speaker 1: limit and only this person has allowed to be older

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Speaker 1: and this and that, it's like, why does it even

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Speaker 1: really matter? We have to ask ourselves why are we

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Speaker 1: making this a big deal? And if we don't have

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Speaker 1: a reason, then like that's where we have to kind

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Speaker 1: of like put a stop sign, because if we operate

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Speaker 1: within those norms, the pool of people we are willing

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Speaker 1: to date is just going to be drastically smaller. Then

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Speaker 1: it already feels like it is for a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: And for what reason that seems kind of silly just

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Speaker 1: because it's been that way. I really, you know, struggle

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Speaker 1: with the this is like a side note, but struggle

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Speaker 1: with that idea that people say, like, well, it's always

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Speaker 1: been that way We've always done it that way. It's

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Speaker 1: always just okay, we get it. I get it, and

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Speaker 1: like I think, in certain circumstances, in certain situations, tradition

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Speaker 1: is super important. But when it comes to like societal

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Speaker 1: norms on who we can date and why and all

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Speaker 1: of that, it's a little bit silly because as time

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Speaker 1: moves on, things change and we're allowed to change with

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Speaker 1: those things. That's a whole topic for another day anyway. Now,

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Speaker 1: the first thing I really want to say here besides that,

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Speaker 1: is that just because something isn't normal, it doesn't necessarily

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Speaker 1: mean it's bad or wrong or something you should be

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Speaker 1: extra cautious about. Like something being not normal doesn't automatically

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Speaker 1: equal bad. And I think that is something that we

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Speaker 1: need to get a little bit more comfortable with as

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Speaker 1: a whole, because even I can be that way when

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Speaker 1: people operate outside of what I would do or what

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Speaker 1: I think is normal, it doesn't mean that what those

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Speaker 1: people are doing is bad. I'm just not used to it.

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Speaker 1: And I think this is probably what a lot of

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Speaker 1: your friends and your family are coming at you around like,

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Speaker 1: we're just not used to this, so we don't really

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Speaker 1: comprehend how this can be okay, and not have any

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Speaker 1: issues or repercussions or things that you kind of want

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Speaker 1: to like take a second look at what works or

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Speaker 1: makes sense for one person may seem outrageous to another person,

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Speaker 1: and it's just simply because we're created all very differently,

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Speaker 1: and also because we're created all very differently, different things

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Speaker 1: are going to work for different people, just like there's

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Speaker 1: not one way to eat or one way to exercise,

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Speaker 1: so not like one way that is the way to

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Speaker 1: live our lives and date, which is another reason why

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Speaker 1: I do have some issues with dating coaches and all that.

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Speaker 1: I've talked about that on the podcast a lot before,

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Speaker 1: because they give this like oversimplified generic advice saying this

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Speaker 1: is what's right, this is what's wrong, this is what

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Speaker 1: you should do, this is what you shouldn't, And when

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Speaker 1: it comes down to it, there's a million bajillion ways

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Speaker 1: to date successfully. Now, like I said, this can be

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Speaker 1: hard for people to comprehend. We get stuck in our

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Speaker 1: own brains and how our brains make sense of the

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Speaker 1: world and what feels right to us, and we just

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Speaker 1: can't imagine things working for others that don't work for us.

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Speaker 1: We get like static in our way of understanding and

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Speaker 1: thinking and lack really mental flexibility to sit with the

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Speaker 1: idea that again, we are all different and we need

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Speaker 1: different things. And when it comes to dating, what a

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Speaker 1: lot of people are looking at and what people are

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Speaker 1: looking for is how they show up and not necessarily

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Speaker 1: their age. For example, I dated somebody for about a

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Speaker 1: year who was seven years older than me that felt

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Speaker 1: more my age than older. He was thirty four and

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Speaker 1: I was around twenty seven twenty eight, and honestly, at

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Speaker 1: times he felt younger than me, especially in some of

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Speaker 1: the emotional regulation flexibility stuff. I think I assumed at

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Speaker 1: that time in my life that he was more mature

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Speaker 1: just because he was older, But that wasn't necessarily right,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't feel that age gap when I really

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Speaker 1: look back on it, other than when I look at

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Speaker 1: his finances and his career advancements because he had seven

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Speaker 1: more years to work on his career than I did.

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Speaker 1: I was kind of just starting out and I'm now

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Speaker 1: dating someone who's younger than me. He's younger than me

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Speaker 1: by three and a half years, which doesn't sound like

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Speaker 1: a lot. And I also think that this we play

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Speaker 1: this weird game where we're like, well, it matters when

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Speaker 1: like they're twenty one and he's twenty seven, but it

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Speaker 1: doesn't matter when they're forty and she's forty seven or

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Speaker 1: something like that. And I get that because again, we're

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Speaker 1: thinking mature wise, like we're thinking life stage wise. That

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Speaker 1: makes a lot more of a difference than just their

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Speaker 1: age of like, yeah, a nineteen year old who is

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Speaker 1: in college is going to be a different life stage

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Speaker 1: most likely than somebody who's thirty one. We can assume

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Speaker 1: that when you get into the forties or the fifties

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Speaker 1: or even some of like the later thirties, that's not

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Speaker 1: going to be as big as a gap. But again,

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Speaker 1: everybody's different. What is true is that it's not about

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Speaker 1: the age necessarily. It's about compatibility lifestyle wise, how do

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Speaker 1: we fit? Goal wise? How do we fit? Dating someone

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Speaker 1: in your age who never wants to get married makes

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Speaker 1: less sense than dating someone five years younger than you.

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Speaker 1: That does. Dating someone your age who doesn't match your

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Speaker 1: ne doesn't make sense just because it looks more normal.

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Speaker 1: So all of this to say, I'm sorry that you've

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Speaker 1: been getting kind of like the brunt of this like

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Speaker 1: mental inflexibility, And it's very possible I think that some

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Speaker 1: of the people around you just really have no idea

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Speaker 1: how you're feeling when they make those comments. So I

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Speaker 1: think it's very very smart of you to be wondering

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Speaker 1: and to be proactive about how to let them know

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Speaker 1: what's going on inside of you when you hear some

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Speaker 1: of their comments. And like most confrontations that I talk

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Speaker 1: about with my clients or on this show, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to make this a big, huge, like sit down

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Speaker 1: we need to talk scary or deal. You get to

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Speaker 1: approach this just like a normal conversation. I think sometimes

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Speaker 1: we just amp things up in our minds so much

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Speaker 1: and we make them into these huge situations in this

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Speaker 1: whole tangled mess when we're really just trying to do

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Speaker 1: something very simple. Sharing and feeling should be fairly simple,

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Speaker 1: and if that is blow out of proportion by the

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Speaker 1: other party, there isn't really much you can do. So

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Speaker 1: as long as you can approach us in a kind

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Speaker 1: regulated way, then I think that this can be pretty easy.

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Speaker 1: Although some people just struggle with any kind of confrontation,

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Speaker 1: even if it's a carrying, low stakes one, So I

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Speaker 1: do have some empathy for that. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: minimize that this can be really actually kind of hard

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Speaker 1: for people. Now I have a little template to have

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Speaker 1: intentional confrontations, and it just basically goes like this. I've

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Speaker 1: talked about this before. When you blank, I feel blank.

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Speaker 1: The story I make up in my head or the

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Speaker 1: judgment I make up is blank, and then you kind

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Speaker 1: of just check in with them, does that fit? Is

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Speaker 1: that right? Am I off? And then they can say

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Speaker 1: yes or no, and then you can follow up with

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Speaker 1: what I need is blank, and you kind of just

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Speaker 1: like stay in need. So I wonder for you, what

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Speaker 1: would it be like for you to say, Hey, when

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Speaker 1: I hear you say X like something about your boyfriend

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Speaker 1: being younger than you, I feel bummed out and sad.

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Speaker 1: And the story make up is that you're judging my

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Speaker 1: relationship in a negative way rather than supporting me and

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Speaker 1: being excited for my happiness. And I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: kind of check in and see how this fits because

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Speaker 1: it's been on my mind and it's something that I

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Speaker 1: kind of don't want to have keep happening within us

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Speaker 1: when we talk about my relationship. And I think again,

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Speaker 1: it's fair to say maybe in their heads, they're just

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Speaker 1: trying to support you by helping you think about things

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Speaker 1: that you might have not thought about. So this could

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Speaker 1: open up a space to have a really fruitful conversation

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Speaker 1: where you can just see where your lines maybe didn't

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Speaker 1: cross the right times, and maybe they would be like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I had no idea, that's not what

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Speaker 1: I meant. Or they can say like I, you're right,

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Speaker 1: Like I am judging, and I guess I just don't

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Speaker 1: really understand how these things don't bother you. So help

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Speaker 1: me understand now again, Like I said, if you are

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Speaker 1: going to have this conversation, and if you do it

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Speaker 1: in a regulated way, there shouldn't be a huge abruption.

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Speaker 1: It shouldn't be that big of a scary, big bad conversation. However,

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Speaker 1: if you're having this conver sation with somebody that lacks

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Speaker 1: any kind of flexibility, any kind of empathy, any kind

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Speaker 1: of emotional regulation, then you are opening yourself up to

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Speaker 1: something that might not be super helpful. So before you

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Speaker 1: have this conversation, I would make sure that like, who

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Speaker 1: you're going to is somebody who is able to be

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Speaker 1: regulated and stable, and even though you might get in

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Speaker 1: little TIFFs sometimes or have disagreements or not see ida

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Speaker 1: eye on everything, they do have the ability to be

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Speaker 1: regulated and caring and loving, and most likely if you're

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Speaker 1: talking to your friends about your relationship or your family

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Speaker 1: and they're getting certain details of your relationship, that they

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Speaker 1: are carrying people but you never know. So I hope

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Speaker 1: that is helpful. And you need to have the relationship

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Speaker 1: that you need to have, just like you need to have.

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Speaker 1: The day you need to have, and the day we

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Speaker 1: need to have looks different and can look different for

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Speaker 1: all kinds of people because again, we are all created differently.

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Speaker 1: Maybe a new tagline. Yeah, anyway, thank you for your

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Speaker 1: question and I hope it was helpful. If you guys

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Speaker 1: have questions again, you can send them to Katherine at

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Speaker 1: you Need Therapy podcast dot com and maybe one day

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Speaker 1: it will pop up on the show. Like I said,

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Speaker 1: have the day you need to have and I will

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Speaker 1: be back with you guys on Monday. Bye.