Speaker 1: Are you leaving?
Speaker 2: I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 1: Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: much baggage you claim, and give us time and a
Speaker 1: terminol and gay eight. We want to send you off InStyle.
Speaker 1: We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about
Speaker 1: ity scared? He was it fine? Malborn? Do you need
Speaker 1: to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need
Speaker 1: to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need.
Speaker 3: With?
Speaker 2: Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?
Speaker 1: This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff.
Speaker 2: Hello, my friend Karen. Hi, how are you.
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 1: I'm good. I just got back from a trip to Hawaii.
Speaker 1: No brag.
Speaker 2: You went to Hawaii.
Speaker 1: I went to May. I pronounce it correctly, Hawaii the
Speaker 1: island of kawa e. I don't know if that's actually
Speaker 1: how I pronounce it, But I thought of you on
Speaker 1: my ride home. It was very fast trip, it was
Speaker 1: it was lovely, and that's my favorite place and all
Speaker 1: these things. But so I was dreading the flight home anyway.
Speaker 1: But I also hate I just I hate the in between,
Speaker 1: like I like to be home or I like to
Speaker 1: be in the place I'm going, but that in between,
Speaker 1: I have to shut down. I just have to not
Speaker 1: be available really to my fellow man. That's the only
Speaker 1: way I get through it, because like.
Speaker 4: Yeah, right, that's the problem. Easy every would stand up.
Speaker 2: I can't. The actual flights, I can't.
Speaker 1: You got too sensitive. You and I where like other
Speaker 1: people affect us. I will have one comment from one
Speaker 1: person and I'll be furious for a four hours. It's craziness.
Speaker 1: So that's the mode I was in. But there was
Speaker 1: a super cute boy in the seat next to me
Speaker 1: on the ride home, where I was like, it's too
Speaker 1: bad you're not a friendlier person. You should be. You
Speaker 1: could even say one word to this person, but he's
Speaker 1: super super cute, and I kept thinking like why is
Speaker 1: he so cute and friendly? Like at one point, his
Speaker 1: AirPod thing was sitting in the counter between us, and
Speaker 1: I went, is that yours? Because I thought maybe it
Speaker 1: was mine and I had left it there, and he
Speaker 1: went oh, sorry and grabbed itn't like was the last
Speaker 1: time you see a man act like that? I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry to have my shit near your stuff. Where
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I did mean that way, but
Speaker 1: I didn't even say that. I just went back to
Speaker 1: my I was like, don't break out of the pod.
Speaker 1: When we land, him and his friend across, who looked
Speaker 1: very familiar, take down skateboards. Oh and then when we
Speaker 1: and then people were talking to them about the skateboards.
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, of course they're professional skateboarders, that's
Speaker 1: why they have that vibe about.
Speaker 4: I'm trying to think what was going on in Hawaii.
Speaker 1: I don't know the island of Kawaii. They could have
Speaker 1: been on vacation and just brought their boards.
Speaker 4: It could have maybe, but those I mean, if usually
Speaker 4: that means someone's got a camera and they're working. Where
Speaker 4: did they have red bull hats on? I needed to
Speaker 4: if I could start guest guys.
Speaker 1: The guy sitting next to me had like a cowboy
Speaker 1: hat on, but it felt like he was doing it sarcastic.
Speaker 2: Sure, sure that happens leisure where.
Speaker 1: And then the guy and then here's what I loved.
Speaker 1: I think they were with It wasn't just the two
Speaker 1: of them. I think they were with other people. But
Speaker 1: they took their skateboards down that were like zip tied together.
Speaker 1: They were like specifically kind of like made into baggage.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, they cut the zip ties and as
Speaker 1: we were because the Hawaiian this is very boring, but
Speaker 1: the Hawaiian gate in lax is like five miles away
Speaker 1: from everything else. You literally have to walk for twenty
Speaker 1: minutes to get out to where Hawaiian is. And as
Speaker 1: we were walking back, they skateboarded by in the in
Speaker 1: the airport like walking.
Speaker 4: Anyone that's an amateur doesn't have the confidence like me
Speaker 4: to actually skate in the airport.
Speaker 2: I see it in video.
Speaker 4: Pros do it because then they can just flash there,
Speaker 4: I'm a professional skateboarder card.
Speaker 1: Yes that's what. That's what to me locked it down
Speaker 1: that they were serious because also they had to basically
Speaker 1: skate through people, which only I think the highest level
Speaker 1: skaters are good at. Like you messed that up once
Speaker 1: and yeah, I think you don't go back.
Speaker 2: Terrific?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, totally terrific. No, I is terrific information. Did
Speaker 4: the guy with the cowboy hat have face tattoos?
Speaker 1: No, okay, looked there was a kind of he looked
Speaker 1: young and old at the same time, the guy sitting next.
Speaker 2: To me, If you have long hair, no, okay, clean
Speaker 2: cut looking. I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: We'll have to look it up.
Speaker 2: It was.
Speaker 1: I was thrilled. And also here's the best part, uh
Speaker 1: my stuff. We were the first seats, so my stuff
Speaker 1: was behind me, and there were some people behind us
Speaker 1: that were like had a kind of anti mask vibe
Speaker 1: to them where they were kind of being argumentative when
Speaker 1: we first shut from Yeah, so I looked and I
Speaker 1: was like, I have to get off first, but my
Speaker 1: suitcase is here, and then my purse is like one down.
Speaker 1: So and then I tried to say that to the
Speaker 1: man who literally was like one inch from my face
Speaker 1: because he wanted to get off and he was just
Speaker 1: going to push through my person apparently, and the skateboarder,
Speaker 1: i'll call him, the skateboarder goes, where's your stuff, I'll
Speaker 1: get it. It was like he heard me trying to
Speaker 1: communicate with this old man who was not hearing me
Speaker 1: and didn't care, and then he just got it done
Speaker 1: for me, like he was everything I wanted him to do.
Speaker 4: That's that's skateboarders for you. There's a sense of community.
Speaker 4: They look out for other people.
Speaker 1: They do.
Speaker 2: It's not the early nineties anymore.
Speaker 1: No, And I think they're excited to be making a
Speaker 1: living at the hobby they love to do. So they
Speaker 1: had that good energy out in the world.
Speaker 4: Yeah maybe yeah, and they know it only lasts like
Speaker 4: five years.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I enjoy it.
Speaker 1: Well, they make the most of it.
Speaker 4: Well, yeah, he'll have two blown out knees come two
Speaker 4: thousand and twenty seven. Oh sorry, I don't mean to
Speaker 4: wish that on his cowboy wearing hat. No cowboy wearing
Speaker 4: hat ass, Well, yeah, I'll figure out who it was.
Speaker 4: When you said cowboy hat, I think this Lockwood guy
Speaker 4: or Brandens Franski.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 4: There's people that wear I brimmed hats, not necessarily if
Speaker 4: it's a full on cowboy hat boy you got me.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure, but that could have been like his
Speaker 1: island hat that he just was not ready to let.
Speaker 2: Go, right right, we all wear islands.
Speaker 1: War He had a little bit of a red hair
Speaker 1: tan red haired person rare, okay, but he would still
Speaker 1: need that sunshade. I think. Yeah, yeah, as we all
Speaker 1: do in Hawaii.
Speaker 4: I'm going to get to the bottom of this great
Speaker 4: and I knew his phone.
Speaker 1: Numbers can text it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, remember me.
Speaker 1: But now we should introduce our guests, don't you think.
Speaker 4: Of course, one of my favorite people on and off stage.
Speaker 4: We share the same manager, we're related, and that we
Speaker 4: both started in the wonderful city of Austin, Texas. You
Speaker 4: know her clubs as well as so many colleges.
Speaker 1: So many colleges all over the country.
Speaker 2: Every ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 4: Maggie May whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 5: Is that root and toot?
Speaker 1: Oh? Yeah, you got to give a little more on
Speaker 1: Zoom so people really know. Like if I was just
Speaker 1: sitting here smiling, Maggie, you might not know how excited
Speaker 1: I was. So I have to. I have to do
Speaker 1: some finger guns for you.
Speaker 5: I feel very welcome with that.
Speaker 4: It's mostly for the guests, but when you're gesticulating, it
Speaker 4: also affects you, know, your enthusiasm and even though you
Speaker 4: can't see it. Karen and I are always wildly throwing
Speaker 4: our hands about and doing it's just kind of shoulders. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: we're all bobbing our shoulders right now and we always
Speaker 4: feel good.
Speaker 5: Does feel good. That's going to be part of something.
Speaker 1: Right, A team, A shoulder team.
Speaker 5: We look good on Zoom doing it too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it makes sense we could be fly Girls or something, Maggie.
Speaker 2: Maggie, you go ahead, Karen.
Speaker 1: I was just thank you, Chris. I was just gonna say, Maggie,
Speaker 1: I feel like the last time I saw you was
Speaker 1: when we were at the All Jane Comedy Festival in Portland.
Speaker 1: What was it eight years ago or.
Speaker 5: It has to have been, I see something like that.
Speaker 1: I don't think i've seen you in person since that time.
Speaker 1: So nice to see you again.
Speaker 2: You too.
Speaker 3: It's always hard because I'm like, now that we're coming
Speaker 3: back out of things, I'll see people and be like,
Speaker 3: I haven't seen you in forever where, And then I
Speaker 3: remember that, like we all haven't seen each other and forever,
Speaker 3: and like that's kind of yeah. I mean we never
Speaker 3: did get see each other like every day or anything
Speaker 3: like that, so then you know, it just feels like longer.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: And every time I see someone, I'm like, I haven't
Speaker 4: seen you in three years with an accusatory tone.
Speaker 2: Why why, Oh I forgot about the world.
Speaker 1: Oh the disease, the disease hid you from it.
Speaker 4: It's a great it's a great sign. We don't immediately think.
Speaker 2: Of the disease.
Speaker 4: See, it's not it's it's slipping our minds. Now we're
Speaker 4: back to we're back to uh blaming people.
Speaker 2: It's great. It's a good sign.
Speaker 1: It's a healthy sign. Maggie. How was your quarantine overall?
Speaker 1: Not bad?
Speaker 5: It wasn't really bad.
Speaker 3: I'm an introvert, and you know, I worked from home
Speaker 3: a lot anyway, and so it was just I caught
Speaker 3: up on a bunch of Netflix shows. I mean, it
Speaker 3: had its like it's ups and downs, but like I
Speaker 3: just just got real weird and got real comfortable with
Speaker 3: it and just was like I'd wake up at like
Speaker 3: two in the morning and start my day and then
Speaker 3: go to sleep at like four pm and then wake
Speaker 3: up at midnight and just like and I liked that
Speaker 3: it was and I really acknowledged that it was nuts
Speaker 3: at the time. I was like, this is not this
Speaker 3: is not a sustainable model, Like this is not what
Speaker 3: sane people do in their lives.
Speaker 5: And I know there's an end to this, but it
Speaker 5: was fun.
Speaker 3: I was like, no, it's fun to kind of be
Speaker 3: crazy and just be eating breakfast at three am.
Speaker 4: And just yeah, I knew you'd say that because you
Speaker 4: and I were checking in weekly, because manager we asked
Speaker 4: we were doing those Zoom shows and we all were
Speaker 4: hanging out and talking even when no one else was
Speaker 4: meaning like with our masks and going to that scage,
Speaker 4: and so I knew you were I knew you were thriving.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I did the same thing. I did a lot
Speaker 1: of waking up at three am and going, oh, well,
Speaker 1: let's just let's watch some TV. Let's go with this,
Speaker 1: and the same thing of at the beginning of Quarantine,
Speaker 1: I just said to myself, this is going to get weird.
Speaker 1: You've never done no one's ever done anything like this before,
Speaker 1: so there's no rules. And as weird as things get,
Speaker 1: you're fine, Like it'll go back eventually. But like, so
Speaker 1: then I would get up and I was also telling myself,
Speaker 1: did you ever hear that? Like Ben Franklin used to
Speaker 1: get up at three thirty in the morning and that's
Speaker 1: when he would write and had all his like invention
Speaker 1: ideas and stuff.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So I was telling myself, like, this is some real
Speaker 1: Ben Franklin shit that I'm doing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it would have been some Ben Franklin shit for
Speaker 3: me if I was a waking up at three in
Speaker 3: the morning to watch guys grocery games for the sixth
Speaker 3: week in a row. I was like, let's go start
Speaker 3: our day and be productive. Let's see what they're doing
Speaker 3: over at Flavortown Market.
Speaker 1: There's an actual Flavortown restaurant in Universal City now, so
Speaker 1: it comes up on my Postmates where I'm like, I
Speaker 1: could have anything on the Guy Fieri menu delivered to
Speaker 1: my house if I wanted to.
Speaker 3: I am so close to Universal City I have half
Speaker 3: of mind to go run down there and pick up
Speaker 3: a chicken cluck or whatever he's doing. I watched all
Speaker 3: the shows that Guy Fieri hosted, all of the Chance
Speaker 3: of a Lifetime.
Speaker 5: I watched all of that.
Speaker 1: What was Chance of a Lifetime?
Speaker 3: So he handed over keys to a new Chicken Guy franchise.
Speaker 3: So he's having a Chicken Guy franchise. He had six
Speaker 3: people come up and do like a two week long
Speaker 3: job interview where they had to like you know, do
Speaker 3: all these little crazy events and get judged by Hunter
Speaker 3: and stuff. His son was part of it, and they
Speaker 3: gave the restaurant to the guy who obviously was gonna win.
Speaker 3: Like the whole time, there was like one great candidate
Speaker 3: and a bunch of like you know, if if if
Speaker 3: if a miracle happens, one of y'all can win, but
Speaker 3: it's probably gonna be Kevin.
Speaker 2: How did you know it was him?
Speaker 4: Because the guy was wearing a flaming Spider Man silk
Speaker 4: button up or something.
Speaker 5: He's like, what's up, brother? I think we're on a
Speaker 5: like mind and I could open the hell out of
Speaker 5: this restaurant like you would.
Speaker 1: How's your bookkeeping minds?
Speaker 4: Okay, Yeah, we've reached a point where everyone used to
Speaker 4: talk shit about Guy Fieri.
Speaker 2: Did every did.
Speaker 4: Shane Torres open everyone's eyes to what a decent person
Speaker 4: he is, like helping people start restaurants.
Speaker 2: Since Like, okay, I.
Speaker 4: Just because I don't like his style, He's yeah, he's
Speaker 4: probably a super nice guy.
Speaker 3: I was never we're on that bandwagon, and I was
Speaker 3: a big fan of Scots, so I was like, hell, yeah,
Speaker 3: we're that bowling shirt.
Speaker 1: Let's get those frosted tips over here.
Speaker 2: I'd never realized till right now.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he just looks like the lead singer of Goldfinger.
Speaker 4: Yeah he's a skankin guy.
Speaker 2: He's a scott guy.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well then I would love to brag right now that
Speaker 1: he lives up near my hometown in northern California, and
Speaker 1: he used to have a restaurant in Pedloma called Johnny
Speaker 1: Garlics that was very popular. Thing that's so perfect, super popular.
Speaker 1: And then everyone up there knows he's a great guy
Speaker 1: because that's the one celebrity you can talk about and
Speaker 1: people are like, I met him, he's great, he's so nice,
Speaker 1: he's down to earth. And I saw him once on
Speaker 1: the street on Halloween when my niece who is now
Speaker 1: in freshman in high school but at the time was
Speaker 1: like three years old or four years old, and the
Speaker 1: downtown of Peddluma used to do a thing on Halloween
Speaker 1: during the day where little you could take the little
Speaker 1: kids to stores, so it was like they got to
Speaker 1: trigg or treat in a very like kind of safe
Speaker 1: and you know, structured environment and no weirdos, no razor blades.
Speaker 1: And I saw I saw Guy Fieri with his I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: Guy Fieri with his uh. I think his kid at
Speaker 1: the time also uh trigger treating, and everybody was trying
Speaker 1: to be cool, like everybody's trying not to look and
Speaker 1: just act like he's our neighbor. Everything's fine. But we
Speaker 1: were all through.
Speaker 4: Well knowing guy it probably wasn't this kid, he's just
Speaker 4: mentoring or doing a Big Brothers Big Sister program thing.
Speaker 2: He's just a young chef. Yeah, yeah, he's that kid.
Speaker 2: Probably has a lucrative food truck on a bicycle.
Speaker 3: Now see here, kid, you could reduce this snigger down
Speaker 3: to a gas streak.
Speaker 1: Oh man, so wait sorry. The Johnny Garlics ever would
Speaker 1: be like, it's great, you have to go there.
Speaker 4: You have to try it until the owner comes up
Speaker 4: and whispers in your face, how are you enjoying everything?
Speaker 2: Ohn garlic?
Speaker 1: Although woodn't your breath counterbalance?
Speaker 2: Going back at him, they just clash in mid air.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the only smell that you can smell. But
Speaker 1: diners dives and drive through right, Yeah, it's something in there.
Speaker 5: Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: They That one I really loved because I really like
Speaker 1: and I don't want to steal streen Doors this a bit,
Speaker 1: but I do feel like that idea of like there
Speaker 1: are these places, especially where I'm from, where people like
Speaker 1: we'll go there once a week because the food is
Speaker 1: so good. But it really there's a place. There's a
Speaker 1: there's a place in Pedluma and they sell amazing hot dogs,
Speaker 1: but it's in a an auction yard for livestock. So
Speaker 1: you literally are driving in and like behind it there's
Speaker 1: just cows and sheep waiting to be bought and slaughtered.
Speaker 1: And then but you can walk into like the front
Speaker 1: office area and get the best hot dog around. So like,
Speaker 1: I really I'm very much a believer in that idea
Speaker 1: of like the little hidden places that people actually love.
Speaker 5: Yeah, the hidden gems.
Speaker 3: But what kind of gets me on those is like
Speaker 3: they will just show you how they make their thing.
Speaker 5: Yeah, will, and.
Speaker 3: It's a base recipe and everything like that. But there
Speaker 3: are some Mexican food restaurants in my hometown that if
Speaker 3: they showed the base recipe for like their keiso recipe,
Speaker 3: that would be my caso recipe.
Speaker 5: I would never need to go back.
Speaker 3: You know, Like I'm real close to figuring some stuff out,
Speaker 3: and you know, I don't want Triple D to go
Speaker 3: on and like ruin their business from me, because right
Speaker 3: I will fast forward and pause as long as I
Speaker 3: need to. I'll measure what looks like a fourth of
Speaker 3: a cup, just getting real close to the TV and
Speaker 3: just start measuring.
Speaker 4: I mean, are are you from Austin or from another
Speaker 4: town in Texas?
Speaker 5: From South Texas?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 4: Yeah, and so you do you know of anywhere in
Speaker 4: LA that does the text Mex thing properly like a bullet.
Speaker 2: It was such a staple.
Speaker 4: Of my diet, just having a bowl of melted cheese
Speaker 4: one time a week, and I didn't realize it was
Speaker 4: specific to Austin.
Speaker 1: Really.
Speaker 3: Yeah, South Texas does that too, the text Mex. I
Speaker 3: haven't found a place here that does. Quesoa. There is
Speaker 3: a place I like Pikto Moss because they serve the
Speaker 3: food similar to text Mex. Like I'm a huge Mexican food.
Speaker 3: It has to be refried beans. You can't just put
Speaker 3: like a handful of loose beans on my plate, just
Speaker 3: the real beans.
Speaker 2: Just spilling out of a book bag.
Speaker 1: No one wants a bunch of wet beans, separate, separate
Speaker 1: beings scattered everywhere.
Speaker 5: They're like, you want some of this, yes, sprinkles.
Speaker 2: Bean, get your beans together, sir.
Speaker 1: Wait, if you had the caso burrito at Pikeito Moss
Speaker 1: where they stick the the caso was poured inside.
Speaker 3: I have not had that yet. I keep getting the
Speaker 3: Bulls Caso burrito.
Speaker 1: Yeah it's real good, but I think it truly is
Speaker 1: like four thousand calories.
Speaker 5: I mean it's pretty commitment.
Speaker 3: You just got to make a commitment for one day,
Speaker 3: like I'm gonna have this Poketo mass burrito.
Speaker 5: Yeah and walk home. Yeah, it burns some of it off,
Speaker 5: but I'm.
Speaker 1: Doing counter yes, exactly, plan ahead.
Speaker 4: The one thing that day on your Google calendar is
Speaker 4: oh yeah, it's burrito Wednesday.
Speaker 1: Oh I got it. Sorry, I got to do some stretching.
Speaker 1: It's burrito when.
Speaker 2: Tomorrow I send an email.
Speaker 1: It Caeso is a miracle dish though. It's amazing.
Speaker 5: It really is.
Speaker 3: It really is, And if you can find someone that
Speaker 3: makes it just like, oh, I mean the place near
Speaker 3: my home, in my hometown actually Losa Savos. You could
Speaker 3: just feel it trickling down your throat and just coating
Speaker 3: your whole throat like a warm shawl.
Speaker 5: Like a nice hug. And you're like, this is hardening
Speaker 5: an artery and I'm cool with it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's other arteries.
Speaker 3: Do you see what science is doing these days? I'll
Speaker 3: get a pig artery if I need to.
Speaker 4: So reading is now, when did when did you start
Speaker 4: in Austin? Then you were you were there when I
Speaker 4: had already left. I keep I just went back enough
Speaker 4: to where I got to know you on visits, but maybe.
Speaker 5: I started in two thousand and nine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was. I had already established residency here.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah, La, I have a residency at Tenure in.
Speaker 2: Both Echo Park and Austin. I have a residency.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Chris Fairbanks is the You're the Elton John of
Speaker 1: Echo Park.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah.
Speaker 4: Residency is where you performed somewhere for a whole month
Speaker 4: or something.
Speaker 2: I've done that too, sure.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I had a residency at Tiger Lily, I think.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I have ten is that in Austin?
Speaker 2: No, that was a show here. It was bad.
Speaker 4: It was pre pre your arrival. I like to reference
Speaker 4: things long since forgotten.
Speaker 1: I like, Maggie, We've got an information sheet on you,
Speaker 1: and it was just like things you do and whatever,
Speaker 1: and then at the bottom of it says, Maggie really
Speaker 1: likes candy.
Speaker 4: That's the time remember where whenever it was that you
Speaker 4: kept going on about nerds rope, Karen, Oh yeah yeah,
Speaker 4: And I was like, I don't know that I've ever
Speaker 4: heard it. I think I pretended to be like, oh
Speaker 4: I love a nerd rope because I was on board
Speaker 4: with the Nerds candy, But I lied to you.
Speaker 2: I'm admitting that. Now. Not a day or two later, we.
Speaker 4: Had some kind of a candy themed zoom show and
Speaker 4: you and Maggie gave me a nerds rope. It was
Speaker 4: just days later, and I'm like, hey, I've been hearing
Speaker 4: about these things.
Speaker 2: And yeah, you weren't.
Speaker 1: Kind of amazing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's I mean, it's yeah, it's it's everything.
Speaker 1: All the textures, it's every it's a texture of kind
Speaker 1: of every kind of sour candy. Yeah, but then a
Speaker 1: newness that that I appreciate.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's I feel like the nerds on a nerd
Speaker 3: rope have more of a mouthfeel to them mm hmm,
Speaker 3: because they have to like compete with the with the rope.
Speaker 3: But Karen, have you have you fucked with the nerds
Speaker 3: Goma clusters.
Speaker 4: Gommy clusters. You just like them because they're stuck together.
Speaker 4: It's the same as this bean situation. Now, you don't
Speaker 4: like loose sass nerds. Yeah, you know these nerds strewn about.
Speaker 1: You don't want nerds just going everywhere. You'll never be
Speaker 1: able to get them back up. They're hard to vacuum
Speaker 1: and meet him on a roper and a.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and when you're in the box it's like, yeah, oh,
Speaker 4: you can get crazy and mix these two nerds together,
Speaker 4: but on a rope or the gummy cluster I haven't
Speaker 4: seen yet. You got probably ten different nerd varieties in
Speaker 4: one mouth bite.
Speaker 5: See, the gummy cluster is like the perfect bite of
Speaker 5: a nerd rope.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because sometimes when you try to eat the nerd rope,
Speaker 1: you pull the rope apart and then the.
Speaker 5: The nerds just go flying get strewn about.
Speaker 1: Yes, they do.
Speaker 5: Loosed.
Speaker 4: And plus, when you're dealing with a length of rope
Speaker 4: like that, there's a lot of pre It's not like
Speaker 4: you can slide it back into its sheath and it
Speaker 4: comes with a ziplock like.
Speaker 2: It means you eat this whole rope today.
Speaker 1: And you should probably eat it in the backyard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you guys, they're just gonna get all over the place.
Speaker 4: You gotta go out out by a barn or something
Speaker 4: where no one can see you.
Speaker 1: But not on my good couch.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you stay out.
Speaker 1: Of that room.
Speaker 2: And when someone sees you go out to the back
Speaker 2: house with.
Speaker 4: A length of any kind of rope, they think you're
Speaker 4: about to off yourself.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe I'm going out on a limb.
Speaker 5: There, are you about to deliciously kill you.
Speaker 2: It's the darkest about a murder myself as a flavor.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna need the answer, use and delight down there's
Speaker 1: a there's another one that I just tried. And truly,
Speaker 1: it's this thing where sometimes I'll just walk down that aisle.
Speaker 1: Most of the time I try to stay out of
Speaker 1: that aisle, like it wherever Walgreens or CBS. But sometimes
Speaker 1: you go down there and they're just like, oh no, no,
Speaker 1: we've come up with another one. Come over from the
Speaker 1: come and see, you know. And so there's one and
Speaker 1: I can't. I think this is in the sweet Tarts family,
Speaker 1: because you know how sweet Tarts that now make a licorice,
Speaker 1: which is the greatest. The texture alone, it really seems
Speaker 1: like you're eating a Hello Katie eraser, which is my
Speaker 1: lifelong dream. Yes, now they have. I can't even explain it.
Speaker 1: It's like they're sweet I can't remember there's sweet heart
Speaker 1: clusters or something. But you bite into it. I can't.
Speaker 1: You just have to buy them. I can't explain it.
Speaker 2: It's like a little like or like it's got something
Speaker 2: in there.
Speaker 1: No, there's nothing inside. It's empty inside. So it's hard
Speaker 1: to explain because there's not a lot to describe except
Speaker 1: for this sensation is so ir like interestingly strange. It's
Speaker 1: like there they know that those candy people must be
Speaker 1: doing lots of studies where they're like, it's not just
Speaker 1: about a good taste. There's also needs to be some
Speaker 1: kind of like consistency and your mouth. That's interesting.
Speaker 3: Crunch is like a necessary sensation or whatever, like the
Speaker 3: human brain.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, it's funny that we all are taught as
Speaker 4: young people that candy is made in a laboratory with
Speaker 4: a bunch of people with lab coats and.
Speaker 2: The flat like how do you put this flavor?
Speaker 4: And I thought more about that than so many more
Speaker 4: important advances in technology and the medical field. I just
Speaker 4: think of, yeah, lab technicians making candy.
Speaker 1: And why can't they get banana right? It just doesn't
Speaker 1: taste anything like it.
Speaker 4: Actually, when it comes to runts, I mean all those
Speaker 4: are the exact crunchiness you need to then you get
Speaker 4: to the banana. I guess they were trying to keep
Speaker 4: because the banana's long and they don't want to break.
Speaker 4: They want full, but at the price of you bust
Speaker 4: and a tooth open. Banana runs are always too hard.
Speaker 4: They've always been the worst. It's just get rid of them. Sorry,
Speaker 4: it's a size problem. It's a shape problem.
Speaker 2: No more banana.
Speaker 5: You get it at the wrong angle, it just goes
Speaker 5: right into your mouth.
Speaker 1: Oh, under your gut.
Speaker 2: Yeah like ow.
Speaker 1: But also I'm not against it, but I'm also in
Speaker 1: serious paint. I always really loved Runts because I like
Speaker 1: things that are the shape of the thing of the
Speaker 1: flavor they are, which is a weird, but like I've
Speaker 1: gotten lip glosses because they're shaped like an actual cherry
Speaker 1: that you unscrew and then the lip glosses on the inside.
Speaker 1: I have ever seen things like that, So like when
Speaker 1: Runts first came out, I was like, thank you, it's
Speaker 1: strawberry shaped. I know which one I'm having right now.
Speaker 4: Right, and it's by the color and it's a miniature
Speaker 4: version of fruit, which you know, I hit it for
Speaker 4: so many years. But I've been very outspoken about how
Speaker 4: I enjoy miniatures and if I could put that shit
Speaker 4: in my mouth, oh yeah yeah, and bite it like
Speaker 4: it's a tiny apple, Like pretend I'm a little you know,
Speaker 4: a giant eating an apple.
Speaker 2: Actually try to turn it into an apple core. I
Speaker 2: mean stop.
Speaker 1: It, stop it stop it, just stop.
Speaker 5: I hope my dolls eat them.
Speaker 3: Have a slightly larger than necessary banana.
Speaker 5: Eat this lime, Come on, Idroe.
Speaker 1: So Maggie, what would your say top three candies across
Speaker 1: the candy spectrum be like if it was Halloween? Okay,
Speaker 1: take your time.
Speaker 3: So I'm a huge gummy fan, but the the more
Speaker 3: things go, the more I'm kind of grossed out at
Speaker 3: the idea of anything with gelatine in it.
Speaker 5: Gotcha and there are Yeah.
Speaker 3: I was at day So when they had some some
Speaker 3: gummies and it was like gelatine parentheses, pig and I
Speaker 3: was like, they're really just letting you know. You can't
Speaker 3: ever say you didn't know, because they're just letting you know.
Speaker 4: The reason I stopped eating paste because that's all horse Yeah,
Speaker 4: Elmer Elmer's is all hoof baby.
Speaker 3: I love a good gummy. I like a good like
Speaker 3: a gummy worm. Yeah, I like those. Harribo has some
Speaker 3: really good rainbow gummy worms. The number one candy, though,
Speaker 3: has to be a bulk Caribo letter. Yeah, you know
Speaker 3: the ones where you go to those candy stores and
Speaker 3: you like shovel the ones that because they have them
Speaker 3: in a peg bag.
Speaker 5: But they're little.
Speaker 3: But the ones that you go and shove them in,
Speaker 3: they're like, you know, pretty big. They're like fingerlink.
Speaker 4: And you said, bulk hariboo leather letter letter.
Speaker 2: I thought you like, I like some bulk harrabo chaps.
Speaker 2: You eat them when you're done with us.
Speaker 4: Struck as much off as for your modesty, strawberry ass.
Speaker 1: Less, ass less edible chaps.
Speaker 3: They weren't gonna be assless, but they're delicious.
Speaker 1: We can make the massless.
Speaker 2: All chaps are assless. By the way.
Speaker 1: The first, the first good point. The first time I
Speaker 1: went to a candy store like that was in the
Speaker 1: early nineties, Stones Town, the mall at San Francisco, and
Speaker 1: we were incredibly stoned, and we walked in and it
Speaker 1: was just like in these you know, bins and tubes
Speaker 1: of every gummy, every anything that you would want. And
Speaker 1: we took our bags and we were going around and
Speaker 1: filling the bag and oh my god, there's this kind
Speaker 1: and I love a gummy peach, I love a sour ball.
Speaker 1: They had every everything. And then I got up to
Speaker 1: the counter and it cost me like twenty five dollars
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I was super broke. You know,
Speaker 1: I'd like a minimum waste job, and I was just
Speaker 1: like oh, Like for some reason, it was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I like all this, so I'm gonna fill my bag.
Speaker 1: And it's like right, and this shit is ten dollars
Speaker 1: a pound or whatever, like you're not just getting it.
Speaker 1: It's not just gonna cost you seventy five cents like
Speaker 1: you're at the drug stores. It was a rude awakening.
Speaker 5: That's the thing.
Speaker 3: They just really rely on that nostalgia of like, oh, shoot,
Speaker 3: gummy rings. I haven't seen a gummy ring, and oh
Speaker 3: I like gummy rings. And then like I mean, nobody
Speaker 3: is ever picking anything out, knows what size it is,
Speaker 3: like a weed dealer, Like this is an eighth of
Speaker 3: gummy bears.
Speaker 1: Let's go give me my four ounces of those? Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4: That night actually the night you gave everyone candy at
Speaker 4: the Zoom thing, I kept a ring.
Speaker 2: You gave me a ring pop and I kept that
Speaker 2: for a while. That's because I was.
Speaker 4: My parents got me really paranoid about cavities, I think
Speaker 4: more than other parents did. Like I'd have my Halloween
Speaker 4: candy all year and then I'd i'd save it for
Speaker 4: a special occasion. And eat it while listening to music
Speaker 4: and dancing in my room. And then I'd hide it. Oh,
Speaker 4: I'd stash it. Oh, I don't wait. It was a
Speaker 4: weird routine of dancing and listening to the cure or something,
Speaker 4: but I still do it a little bit. I kept
Speaker 4: that Ring Pop for a while and then I needed it.
Speaker 4: One day, had a stressful day, got some bad emails.
Speaker 4: I locked my door, I turned on some OMD and
Speaker 4: I sucked that thing dry.
Speaker 2: I sucked it all the way to the plastic little nubbin.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: And also ring Pop the candy itself. I find you
Speaker 1: don't usually get such a quality candy when it's a
Speaker 1: novelty item like that, Like you know, when they're trying
Speaker 1: to make it a shape or a thing, then they
Speaker 1: actually can't. Like candy. Cigarettes, yeah, which we absolutely used
Speaker 1: to buy and pretend to smoke. We always thought cars
Speaker 1: going by I thought we were smoking, which we thought
Speaker 1: was really cool. But the app you actually got to
Speaker 1: like the gum or the hard candy on the inside,
Speaker 1: it was disgusting. It's just like she felt like a mistake.
Speaker 1: Ring Pop candy is some of the best hard candy
Speaker 1: there is.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there is because it's hard. That's why those those runts.
Speaker 4: I bring those up again. Those goddamn bananas made me mad.
Speaker 4: One time I made these. I was trying to get
Speaker 4: art illustration work, and I just made all these samples
Speaker 4: of my art in a little fold out thing that
Speaker 4: was the size of a CD jewel case, because I'm like,
Speaker 4: what can I hand out? That's a miniature booklet portfolio too,
Speaker 4: And so I had all the samples in the fold out,
Speaker 4: but then there was this EMPTYCD thing. So I randomly
Speaker 4: but then it was like this, TOPS made a CD
Speaker 4: sized piece of bubble gum, and I ordered a bunch
Speaker 4: of them, and they were all broken in half, like
Speaker 4: imagine a CD sized piece of gum, a compact disc
Speaker 4: of gum. Of course, start to make it too hard
Speaker 4: and crumbly, so half of them were broken. But I
Speaker 4: put them in there. And then when I handed them out,
Speaker 4: everyone thought at the time, I mean, this was the
Speaker 4: early two thousands, so they're like, ooh, a DVD ROM
Speaker 4: of your art, like they thought I was all high tech,
Speaker 4: and I'm like, no, open it up and it would
Speaker 4: just be a broken piece of gum. So I went
Speaker 4: to this trade show and I was handing all these out,
Speaker 4: and all these guys were like, oh, gum, and they
Speaker 4: just instinctively put it in their mouth and then bit
Speaker 4: down on it and there's a loud crunch and they'd
Speaker 4: spit it in their hand. They kind of ended up backfiring,
Speaker 4: but it made me more memorable, and I did get
Speaker 4: a lot of work for like years just from that one,
Speaker 4: like illustration. Yeah, it was an accidental thing. I'm like, wow,
Speaker 4: my tooth hurts. Oh yeah, we need an illustrator for that.
Speaker 2: Oh that guy yew that guy, the.
Speaker 1: Guy that actually is responsible for this broken Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a weird thing that worked.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I love that old gum like baseball card
Speaker 1: gum or whatever, where you would try to chew it
Speaker 1: and then truly, after like six minutes, it just you know,
Speaker 1: even if you could get it going as gum, it
Speaker 1: would just start crumbling. Like it's almost like it was
Speaker 1: so cheap. They didn't put in actual gum. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like there's powder and there's other shit in there,
Speaker 1: but like they were going to splurge on the thing
Speaker 1: that makes gum gum, they just left it out.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: The same with listen kid, take your baseball card, get
Speaker 5: out of here.
Speaker 1: You got plenty with your car.
Speaker 4: And then they double like I can't believe they I
Speaker 4: bet they still make it. There was speaking of baseball
Speaker 4: and gum, Big League chew Hell yeah, it was shredded gum.
Speaker 4: And they even had a caricature on the front like
Speaker 4: it was like, hey, do you want to chew tobacco
Speaker 4: like your uncle, Well here's tobacco for kids. That should
Speaker 4: have been downright illegal. The fact that it was marketing,
Speaker 4: and I know that's why later in life I tried
Speaker 4: Copenhagen in school. It was because the great experience I
Speaker 4: had with the gum version. It's up there with candy
Speaker 4: cigarettes as far as just a bad idea for the youth.
Speaker 4: I know I get political sometimes.
Speaker 1: But it was no you have to express yourself. But
Speaker 1: it was good gum. That's the difference is that was
Speaker 1: like the eighties remix where the gum quality like you could.
Speaker 1: I feel like we were We paid so much attention
Speaker 1: to candy growing up because we had a corner store
Speaker 1: and that would be like the thing we did every
Speaker 1: day after school, so we'd just get other people in
Speaker 1: the neighborhood or whoever wanted to or was like should
Speaker 1: we walk to Agis's and then we it was like
Speaker 1: a mile there and a mile back. So anything that
Speaker 1: was new, if they had it, we would get it.
Speaker 1: So we would buy candy that'd be like Violet Crumble,
Speaker 1: which is an Australian candy bar that for some reason
Speaker 1: our little local store started ordering. So then we would
Speaker 1: order it. And it was basically like any comb candy
Speaker 1: and it was a little bit like more for adults,
Speaker 1: I think, but we got it anyway because we were
Speaker 1: just like, we have to know whatever candy is. You know,
Speaker 1: you're just like connoisseurs. And when Big League Chew came out,
Speaker 1: it was almost like, well, I'm not a professional baseball player,
Speaker 1: but I have to try this gum. I need to
Speaker 1: be in on this.
Speaker 5: I wonder.
Speaker 3: The line was of like, caddy cigarettes are bad for hilation.
Speaker 3: We need to start letting our kids know there's a
Speaker 3: healthier gum candy alternative for them.
Speaker 4: To It still reminds you of another way to get cancer.
Speaker 4: I actually would put Big Leg Chew in my lip
Speaker 4: and spit like it was it's all coming back to
Speaker 4: me now.
Speaker 2: It was very dangerous, very dangerous idea for kids.
Speaker 1: It was a gateway gum for sure, it's.
Speaker 2: The gate wait, gateway eist gum.
Speaker 1: What about toffee fay? Remember, Oh, you guys are too
Speaker 1: I think you're too young, do you? When they were
Speaker 1: the commercial was to coffee is too good for kids,
Speaker 1: but it's not too good for you. That was the commercial,
Speaker 1: and so it'd be like, yeah, for real. So it's
Speaker 1: such a like eighties thing of like, hey, fuck you kid,
Speaker 1: but also you might be able to get this maybe,
Speaker 1: like and then you're like, I have to have that.
Speaker 1: I have to have that. So it be like grandparents
Speaker 1: passing around this candy and they pass it over the
Speaker 1: kid's head and then it's like at the end they're
Speaker 1: like you can have one. Oh, and it wasn't the
Speaker 1: best candy, but you wanted to eat it because you
Speaker 1: weren't supposed to do.
Speaker 2: So it's it's higher quality. It's like Worthers, we all know.
Speaker 4: As for the older folks, there's candies marketed towards the
Speaker 4: older people. There's also I can't remember what was it,
Speaker 4: a dove like where it's like sensual and it shows
Speaker 4: waves of sexy chocolate and it was almost like pornographic.
Speaker 2: Those ads.
Speaker 5: Yeah, they got a little messages in them too.
Speaker 4: Really, you're going to find love soon? Yeah, over each
Speaker 4: twenty guy.
Speaker 5: It just something, you know, something Woo woo, something Lululemon.
Speaker 5: It's just like I wish is a dream of your
Speaker 5: heart or something like.
Speaker 1: It's nothing. Why are you.
Speaker 5: Writing this in here? But it's snapple fashion.
Speaker 1: You're just shoving for in your mouth at a time,
Speaker 1: just like, okay, all right, yeah, all my dreams are
Speaker 1: gonna come true.
Speaker 4: I mean, no one's ever truly enjoyed a fortune cookie.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, we but we all eat them because we
Speaker 4: want to find out, you know, about the next fiscal
Speaker 4: gear or love around the corner.
Speaker 1: There's what's my future? I tell me, cookie on the planet.
Speaker 2: There's definitely not any flavor in your future.
Speaker 4: But yeah, I I that's the only I believe in
Speaker 4: fortune cookies.
Speaker 2: Like I it's.
Speaker 4: So funny that I actually I have to read them,
Speaker 4: and I feel like you can't read it without eating
Speaker 4: the cookie.
Speaker 2: I still believe that as an adult. What the hell?
Speaker 2: Who trained me?
Speaker 3: Have you ever gotten one of those fortunes cookies where
Speaker 3: it's like crumbled and you can see the fortune in
Speaker 3: it already, but the cookie is already crumbled, around it.
Speaker 2: Oh, that's always a bad omen.
Speaker 5: I don't know if those cookies have authority though.
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, that's yeah, that seems like a bad Yeah.
Speaker 2: That's you don't even want to read that fortune That's
Speaker 2: that's bad. That's bad diet. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's basically like just slide that cookie is somewhere else. Yeah,
Speaker 4: it's like that VHS tape in the ring. You just
Speaker 4: want you got to pass that.
Speaker 1: On to stay away.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I actually got a fortune cookie one time when we
Speaker 1: lived in Sacramento and that so I was in college
Speaker 1: or around college age, probably flunking out of college at
Speaker 1: the time. Things were a little dark anyway, and I
Speaker 1: got a fortune that said it was something immediately, I
Speaker 1: like remembered it for a long time, but it said
Speaker 1: something along the lines of he may love you, but
Speaker 1: he does not love you very much. And everybody else
Speaker 1: is like, you know, got the real general life ones
Speaker 1: that you've seen all your life. And I was just
Speaker 1: sitting there like did someone hand write this to me?
Speaker 1: Like what in the fuck it was? It was harsh
Speaker 1: and kind of hilarious.
Speaker 5: Here It's like, well, right, that's just mean. It was
Speaker 5: Every so often there's someone in the factory. You're like,
Speaker 5: you know what, fuck it, You're losing your job tomorrow.
Speaker 5: Everybody hates you.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you gotta put some bad ones out there. Can't
Speaker 2: all be good news.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 4: My favorite, my favorite thing in Austin, Maggie, you might
Speaker 4: remember this but or maybe it was too long ago,
Speaker 4: but there was a car dealership that also did palm reading.
Speaker 2: And there was so.
Speaker 4: It was obviously like, uh, my wife and I worked.
Speaker 4: I sell cars and she does palm readings or whatever.
Speaker 4: So there was like a neon sign of a hand
Speaker 4: and like, come in and learn.
Speaker 2: About your future.
Speaker 4: So it was a perfect situation to be like, ooh,
Speaker 4: I see a you know, a ninety eight Chevy Burretta
Speaker 4: in your future or whatever. Like I wondered if they
Speaker 4: somehow lured people into I see you're.
Speaker 2: Gonna have an income monthly income raise, which would be
Speaker 2: perfect I always thought.
Speaker 5: I always kind of absolutely did.
Speaker 3: Yeah. They're like, oh, I see your current car in
Speaker 3: an accident, would.
Speaker 2: You win it?
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, it looks like you need to trade it in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no way they weren't doing that. I love it.
Speaker 5: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: That's quite a combination. I liked that's like the KFC
Speaker 1: Taco bell but gone completely awry of like, you know,
Speaker 1: it would be good together selling cars and doing palm
Speaker 1: readings or just like disagree, disagree doesn't fit.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and there, Yeah, there's so many things I used
Speaker 4: to make fun of.
Speaker 3: There.
Speaker 2: There was also a do you remember Dreamers, Maggie.
Speaker 5: I do remember drummer?
Speaker 4: There was so that was not a There weren't dancing
Speaker 4: dancing girls there, right, you know, I.
Speaker 3: Don't think I ever went in and I thought it
Speaker 3: was one thing, and it was wow.
Speaker 2: I think it's a store.
Speaker 4: But it said it literally was open late at night,
Speaker 4: and it said lingerie modeling.
Speaker 2: Like you're gonna go? I don't. I there's no way.
Speaker 2: It wasn't like a legal sex worker place.
Speaker 5: There had to have been a thing in the back.
Speaker 4: Texas is amazing, Yeah, and then there'd be churches surrounding it.
Speaker 2: It was. It's so funny how all that was. I
Speaker 2: don't know. I kind of miss that about Texas.
Speaker 1: Do sex work.
Speaker 5: Texas is open for business. Texas is about their money.
Speaker 5: Sell that ass.
Speaker 3: If it's gonna make money.
Speaker 5: We all want our cut.
Speaker 1: Yes, strike the oil, bring your money, take it down
Speaker 1: to Dreamers buy some life.
Speaker 4: I literally would see that sign though, and I'm like,
Speaker 4: so you bring lingerie in there to like maybe it's
Speaker 4: supposed to be a surprise, and you have it modeled first,
Speaker 4: Like I.
Speaker 2: Didn't understand you're if you're the one that has launde
Speaker 2: it won't be a surprise.
Speaker 4: If I my wife her size, do you have anyone
Speaker 4: here that could try this on?
Speaker 2: She's about her size.
Speaker 4: But it's gonna work. It's gonna work, Okay, box it up,
Speaker 4: box it up.
Speaker 2: Thank you for modeling that for me.
Speaker 1: What a great service.
Speaker 2: Thanks.
Speaker 1: I appreciate it.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 4: You know, with a mannequin, you can't see someone like
Speaker 4: sash around and walk around the room. So that's just
Speaker 4: very helpful.
Speaker 1: You know that happened. We were there's a bar in
Speaker 1: my hometown, literally across the street from Johnny Garlics. I'm
Speaker 1: not kidding at all. It's in the strip across the
Speaker 1: street and it's a The bar is called the Aquarium,
Speaker 1: and we were in there it's been there forever, and
Speaker 1: me and my sister and Adrian, my sister's friend Adrian
Speaker 1: or we were all in there for like happy hour
Speaker 1: and I can't I was home for it. May have
Speaker 1: been a holiday, like I was home for Christmas or whatever,
Speaker 1: and we were like, hey, let's all go drink in
Speaker 1: the afternoon tomorrow at the aquarium. So we're sitting in
Speaker 1: there and uh it like five o'clock struck and all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, all these young girls showed up who
Speaker 1: were wearing lingerie but like the sun was still kind
Speaker 1: of coming through the like bud light sign in the window,
Speaker 1: so it was like and this, like this bar is
Speaker 1: like you know, old burgundy carpet, Like it's not a
Speaker 1: nice place, you know, or it might be now, but
Speaker 1: this was in the nineties, and these girls suddenly start
Speaker 1: like they become the cocktail waitresses, but they're wearing like
Speaker 1: negliges and stuff, and it was really odd and clearly
Speaker 1: it was for It's like it was like for a
Speaker 1: world where the things that only old men go to
Speaker 1: bars where we were the three of us were just
Speaker 1: sitting there like hey, what's up, like kids like, and
Speaker 1: they're like, do you want anything? And it's like I'm
Speaker 1: literally sitting at the bar like I don't need you
Speaker 1: to get me a drink. I'm closer than you are
Speaker 1: to the tap, Like what is this? And it was
Speaker 1: they basically hired like it was like long, you're a
Speaker 1: modeling cocktail wing for the happy hour crack. It was
Speaker 1: so weird.
Speaker 4: I've always thought Hooters was weird too, Like what a
Speaker 4: weird a setup for every employee to be mistreated. There's
Speaker 4: also there was a place in Austin that gave haircuts
Speaker 4: to men and it was topless, like topless women cutting hair.
Speaker 4: I'm not kidding. I'm not waiting anyone that knows me
Speaker 4: from Austin. That was a thing, and I always used
Speaker 4: to think, like, what a dangerous thing for the actual
Speaker 4: hairstylist have Like I kept thinking of as scissors and
Speaker 4: nipples and I have said that I'm sorry, but we
Speaker 4: all elephant in the room.
Speaker 2: What if the scissors cut off a nipple? That's all
Speaker 2: I ever thought about.
Speaker 1: And these so you're standing there top It.
Speaker 4: Was called sexy scissors.
Speaker 2: I know it now. I'm not making this up. This
Speaker 2: goes bad.
Speaker 4: It's like that bar with skunk asses. This, I'm not
Speaker 4: making this up. Sexy Scissors was a place and it
Speaker 4: might still be.
Speaker 2: It might still be.
Speaker 4: I don't mean to offend anyone that works here cutting hair.
Speaker 4: And maybe they wear bikinis. I don't know as far
Speaker 4: as I.
Speaker 2: Recall, it was totally topless, though.
Speaker 1: It's just the idea of like, you know, when you're
Speaker 1: sitting in the barber's chair that you know, the seed
Speaker 1: or whatever, and they have to pump the chair up
Speaker 1: so you're higher and closer to them. Like how absolutely
Speaker 1: unsexy that would be if you were topless and then
Speaker 1: pumping that chair up like it's not it's not a
Speaker 1: super sexy job, right, this kind of stuff that people
Speaker 1: have to do as they're standing back there.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Also, I'll say this, if I'm topless, that's the whole job.
Speaker 5: I'm not additionally working.
Speaker 3: I'm not giving you a fade. I'm topless, I'm doing this.
Speaker 3: The most I'll do is a little dams and that's it.
Speaker 3: But now that I'm going to.
Speaker 5: Be checking to make sure your ears.
Speaker 4: Look good, you know what a weird ridiculous forest multitask.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, it's enough that this.
Speaker 1: Women's labor where it's never enough. It's never enough to
Speaker 1: just be topless, topless and run some errands for me,
Speaker 1: like fuck off.
Speaker 3: Also, that's the only jobs that you see like the
Speaker 3: like the women's centric jobs, those are the only ones
Speaker 3: that actually double as like a top like a topless
Speaker 3: maid or a topless Uh you know that's the weather girl.
Speaker 4: Wait do you there was? Wasn't there there maids in Austin?
Speaker 2: This is like.
Speaker 1: And they're here too.
Speaker 3: I don't think it's in an official business. I think
Speaker 3: it's more of like an answer to a Craigslist ad.
Speaker 3: But people do it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but are we just there was a van that
Speaker 1: used to be parked in Bourbank that was topless maids. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I remember the first time I saw it. I
Speaker 1: just had that like, well, I said, I always have to
Speaker 1: be this way. Yeah, it's yeah. Isn't it bad enough
Speaker 1: to be a maid if some dude is home? Like,
Speaker 1: isn't it sexy enough to have somebody just like doing
Speaker 1: your housework with that?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 4: And it's funny that I'm The experience that's sticking out
Speaker 4: of my head right now is one time I was
Speaker 4: had a dentist and he was working on my teeth
Speaker 4: and it's uncomfortable, so I was gripping the hand rests
Speaker 4: on the chair, but he was leaning over and his
Speaker 4: balls were resting on the back of my hand like
Speaker 4: my knuckles, and he was working though he thought that
Speaker 4: he was just resting his balls on the chair, and
Speaker 4: it was I was in the same position. I could
Speaker 4: not especially after a minute or so of my hand
Speaker 4: clearly being in there, I could not move it because
Speaker 4: it then it's me revealing to him that, like surprise,
Speaker 4: I've had my hand under there this whole time.
Speaker 2: Hold on, I'm.
Speaker 1: There's no way that was a mistake. There's no First
Speaker 1: of all, do you and you can tell us do
Speaker 1: you need to rest your balls during the day.
Speaker 4: No, it wasn't like, go oh man, these old balls
Speaker 4: are tired, just out of necessity to reach the back
Speaker 4: of my mount you know.
Speaker 2: He his he didn't have tired, weary balls, but it just.
Speaker 4: Happened to that's where they rested. And he to him
Speaker 4: it was like, no big deal, it's part of the chair.
Speaker 2: But no, I.
Speaker 1: Knew it was my hand, and that he knew it
Speaker 1: was your hand too, is what I'm saying. He knew
Speaker 1: I don't need it.
Speaker 2: You think he was an older guy.
Speaker 4: It's pretty straight up dentist guy. My experience with him
Speaker 4: through you know, he'd been my dentist for many years. Okay,
Speaker 4: I don't think that it was a situation like that,
Speaker 4: and this wasn't in Texas where it's probably a themed dentistry.
Speaker 5: I don't trust dentists though like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because there's always.
Speaker 3: Some story that comes out about like, oh, I got
Speaker 3: anesthesia for you know, a filling, and then I woke
Speaker 3: up and it was filled with some other shits.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yep.
Speaker 4: I always just or I just think of you know,
Speaker 4: Steve Martin from a little shop of Horse and you know,
Speaker 4: he's high on laughing gas, probably doing god knows what,
Speaker 4: and we're all just laughing and it's a musical.
Speaker 1: My friend Alicia one time got laughing gas at the
Speaker 1: dentist and her dentists like was young and cute, and
Speaker 1: she said she started like she felt super high. She
Speaker 1: didn't feel any pain. Then she started stroking his arm
Speaker 1: as he was working. That's She's like, now I can't
Speaker 1: go back to that dentist.
Speaker 4: That's so funny because she was what is laughing gas?
Speaker 4: I thought it was a made up thing.
Speaker 1: Do you actually laugh nitrous oxide? No, it just makes
Speaker 1: you not be in pain while they drill on you.
Speaker 1: I've never I've actually never had dennists.
Speaker 2: It's probably used to so much.
Speaker 4: Yeah, maybe that's why my dentist didn't say anything when
Speaker 4: I was consciously backhanding his tired, tired. I'm sorry, I
Speaker 4: keep saying balls. You know, I'm like a boy and
Speaker 4: so I think it's funny keep bringing.
Speaker 1: Up balls, the idea of resting your balls, like you
Speaker 1: have to take time out during the day. Maybe he
Speaker 1: missed his lunch.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's like a two pm ball siesta.
Speaker 5: Doesn't imagine.
Speaker 2: I'm like, whoa, it's five o'clock.
Speaker 1: Filled so many cavities. My balls are exhausted. It's ridiculous
Speaker 1: this job. He has to wear a jockstrap most of
Speaker 1: the time, but not that day, not not with Chris's help.
Speaker 3: See you, people don't talk about how weary your balls
Speaker 3: get when you're dentist.
Speaker 2: Ingee, you're both sweet because you're just backing me up.
Speaker 4: Now you're like, hey, you you're not the only one
Speaker 4: that can riff about balls.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you both.
Speaker 1: I know that we support you.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Like a job we all can't thank you. That'd be
Speaker 1: interesting if it was like a bottomless dentist, you know,
Speaker 1: if they switched it up a little bit. It wasn't
Speaker 1: just the ladies in their work. But it's like, hey,
Speaker 1: if you. Hey, ladies, if you want a little Chippendale's
Speaker 1: action and get you know, a root canal, go to
Speaker 1: this bottomless dentist. Bottomless. They all look like porky pick
Speaker 1: just at the top and no bottom.
Speaker 3: It's just getting your teeth cleaned by someone who's dick
Speaker 3: is al.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, no, matter'll be talking about flopping.
Speaker 5: You could be next to a penis.
Speaker 4: You could be the most attractive man ever and that's
Speaker 4: never a good look. Like you could be yeah, just
Speaker 4: shirt on and then nothing, because it just makes you
Speaker 4: think of little kids going to the bat, you know,
Speaker 4: pulling their pants all the way down.
Speaker 2: It's not a good look.
Speaker 1: No, No, it doesn't work the other way, did you
Speaker 1: guys see pam and Tommy.
Speaker 2: No, I've been not supporting it.
Speaker 1: You're intentionally not supporting I don't, are you anti?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Just because uh well I what I was reading is
Speaker 4: that they talked about a lot of stuff that didn't
Speaker 4: have her approval, Pamela Anderson's approval, and so it was like,
Speaker 4: I don't know, they're just she's just going through the
Speaker 4: same trump. I don't What I read is that it
Speaker 4: was traumatic for her, much like the whole sex tape
Speaker 4: thing something else. See, Well, I think everyone thought, oh
Speaker 4: together they released this sex tape, but I don't think
Speaker 4: she had any say in that, and then apparently wasn't
Speaker 4: consulted during the thing. But then I keep hearing it's great,
Speaker 4: so yeah, I'm going to watch it eventually.
Speaker 1: Well, the only thing I was going to say about
Speaker 1: it is just there was a real turn about his
Speaker 1: fair play moment because there is so much full frontal
Speaker 1: male nudity, to the point where Jason Manzukis does the
Speaker 1: voice of Tommy Lee's dick what and he's fighting with
Speaker 1: his own dick because he wants to marry her and
Speaker 1: the dick's like, don't do it. We were rock stars,
Speaker 1: can we can fuck anyone we want? And I was
Speaker 1: just watching the scene where he's art and I was
Speaker 1: just like, God, this is really this is really advanced
Speaker 1: compared to like most of the entertainment advanced.
Speaker 2: You were like, do you actually see it talking not
Speaker 2: like not like a little puppet on there.
Speaker 1: No, but it's kind of like sticking out that. It's
Speaker 1: just it's intense male nudity, Unlike usually if there's male nudity,
Speaker 1: it's like Vigo Mortensen in Uh that Russian movie where
Speaker 1: he's like, you know, having a knife fight in the
Speaker 1: steam bath or whatever. You were like, it saw little
Speaker 1: something here and a little something there.
Speaker 2: It's a literally something forever.
Speaker 1: Yes, but this was like a bunch of something for everyone.
Speaker 5: Sounds great.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm glad that it was gratuitous and I'm glad
Speaker 3: that it was not artistic. I'm glad that it was
Speaker 3: just out Yeah, you know, like like eighties horror films
Speaker 3: did for titties.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm glad that they're doing that back for them.
Speaker 1: So yeah, equality in twenty twenty two. Finally, finally we've
Speaker 1: made it.
Speaker 5: We see digs on Hulu. We are equal here.
Speaker 1: This is it. That's all we need. Everyone can rest
Speaker 1: and relax now, thank god. What else, Maggie, anything else
Speaker 1: you want to talk about this's been going on? Anything exciting?
Speaker 1: Anything you need to report?
Speaker 5: Yeah, let's see. What do I need to report? Let's see.
Speaker 5: I've been spending a lot of time in Orange County.
Speaker 2: It's uh yeah, yeah, I'm curious. I've spent some time there.
Speaker 2: I have opinions about it. What are you doing.
Speaker 5: Seeing what they're doing?
Speaker 3: I'm seeing a guy who lives in Orange County so
Speaker 3: I'll go hang out with him there and then he'll
Speaker 3: come over and hang out.
Speaker 5: Yeah, get me over here.
Speaker 4: But it's a that's what brought me down there years
Speaker 4: ago as a relationship that I so, I was spending
Speaker 4: a lot of time in Newport Beach and it was
Speaker 4: I do.
Speaker 2: You like I kind of liked it.
Speaker 4: It feels like you're you know, you're in actual surfing, uh,
Speaker 4: you know, southern California like in the movies.
Speaker 5: It seems so far away before I started going back
Speaker 5: and forth a lot, but like it.
Speaker 3: It's like a nice little suburb that kind of looks
Speaker 3: down on La Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I like that.
Speaker 3: I think it's kind of cute, and there's mountains and
Speaker 3: stuff and you go hiking. They got they got a
Speaker 3: whole bunch of Dazo's and I love that store so.
Speaker 2: And not a single mask, you know. That's nice.
Speaker 4: It's like it's like you're on another planet.
Speaker 2: Or a few months ago I went down there.
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh my god, I'm thirty minutes south of
Speaker 4: where I live and it's like it's twenty seventeen.
Speaker 5: I was surprised. I'm like, y'all have things to live.
Speaker 3: For, Like, yeah, they put them on like, yeah, you're
Speaker 3: not wearing health insurance.
Speaker 4: And you pay, like yeah, you make payments on that
Speaker 4: beautiful car and you're not willing to wear a mask.
Speaker 3: A lot of winnebagos that uh maybe will go on sale, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Are able to find them at the at the Palm
Speaker 1: reader used wouldn't been a lot coming soon to you.
Speaker 2: I swear that was real.
Speaker 1: That's kind of like that is a long distance relationshipship
Speaker 1: technically because of how long a freeway drive like that
Speaker 1: is to Orange County.
Speaker 3: I mean it can be anywhere from like thirty five
Speaker 3: minutes to like two hours if you go at the
Speaker 3: wrong time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so well, good for you doing that work.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're putting in the relationship work your relationship.
Speaker 5: I'm putting in the leg work in this way, the way.
Speaker 2: You're walking there, Just kidding, no dometer.
Speaker 1: There's a really nice path that takes you from from
Speaker 1: silver Lake all the way down.
Speaker 3: Look, I want this relationship to be strong, and I
Speaker 3: want my legs to be stronger.
Speaker 5: So walk into those see every other.
Speaker 1: Week, everybody wins stand up. Yeah you got any plugs?
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, yeah, I've got some shows coming up. Let's see.
Speaker 5: I always forget like what I'm doing.
Speaker 3: People are like, aren't you doing some other Let's see
Speaker 3: uh doing Howard Kramer's show tomorrow?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, yes.
Speaker 5: I like that show a lot.
Speaker 3: It's fun and if it's too cold, you can do
Speaker 3: your set in your car and nobody really like hassles
Speaker 3: you about it.
Speaker 4: I get really nervous to do that show because there
Speaker 4: have been nights where we're in a dimly lit park
Speaker 4: and there's like some kids that go there to hang
Speaker 4: out and not be around their parents or whatever, and
Speaker 4: they're like, you're playing with switchblades or something, and I'm like.
Speaker 2: Are we really doing stamp? I mean, anyone can?
Speaker 4: It keeps you on your toes in a way that
Speaker 4: and forget about being a comic that's picky about a
Speaker 4: low ceiling or something like me. It's like you're just
Speaker 4: outside in public. Yeah yeah, car, no microphone? I think
Speaker 4: there's there is no I think maybe now.
Speaker 3: I think there's one now, but there wasn't before. Oddly,
Speaker 3: and my car died there?
Speaker 2: Who died?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 5: My car?
Speaker 2: Oh god, your car? I thought I thought you my girl?
Speaker 2: Oh no, a friend.
Speaker 3: The rest of this story is gonna be very underwhelming
Speaker 3: after that. But my car died and there was a
Speaker 3: dude doing exactly that, like playing with a switchblade across
Speaker 3: the street in front of my car. And I'm just
Speaker 3: standing there calling Triple A and They're like, are you
Speaker 3: in a safe area?
Speaker 4: And I was like, wait, you had a switchblade guy too,
Speaker 4: Maybe it's just a fan.
Speaker 5: He was like it was terrifying, like he was just
Speaker 5: like pulling stuff off of himself. I just I did
Speaker 5: not know what was going on.
Speaker 3: I was just like, look, I'm I'm I'm a I'm
Speaker 3: a small, wide eyed girl from Texas, and I do
Speaker 3: not feel safe. And then Paul Danky showed up and
Speaker 3: was like, oh, well, I'll hang out with you and
Speaker 3: see if I can jump your car and he couldn't
Speaker 3: get to his engine, and then like he stayed with
Speaker 3: me until Triple A got Cole has.
Speaker 4: He's a protector, he's got the he's got the good instincts.
Speaker 5: He's got dad energy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's got dad energy.
Speaker 5: Yeah he's safe because he's a dad.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think you're right. Here's Paul Day.
Speaker 1: Really, So Howard Kramer's walking show is what's do we
Speaker 1: have a name for that show? In a location if
Speaker 1: people want to call the comedy crawl. Comedy crawl, that's right.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I thought it was called squat milk, squad.
Speaker 2: Milt, I think it or chaplain.
Speaker 5: I think this chaplain stage.
Speaker 2: You're right. I think you're right. He calls it squat melt.
Speaker 4: Originally, when Meltdown shut down, he started doing shows in
Speaker 4: the alley there that was the original novelty and it
Speaker 4: was it was kind of like an homage.
Speaker 2: To all the all the years. That was such a.
Speaker 4: Cool venue for everyone. But then he just started making
Speaker 4: it a mobile thing. But I think I even though
Speaker 4: I get nervous to do it, and a lot of
Speaker 4: times if I'm not feeling it, I just say no,
Speaker 4: I don't, I'm scared.
Speaker 2: I get to worry. But after I do that show,
Speaker 2: I feel.
Speaker 4: Like a stronger performer because it's like you've done. There's
Speaker 4: the added you have to like deal with the elements
Speaker 4: of not being amplified and knife play.
Speaker 2: But I have that.
Speaker 1: I have the same attitude that Maggie does about topless haircutting,
Speaker 1: where I'm like, comedy is hard enough when you have
Speaker 1: a nice loud mic and you're in a clock people
Speaker 1: are drunk. I please don't make me go stand on
Speaker 1: the street and shout like a you know, like I'm
Speaker 1: a a busker.
Speaker 2: It depends on we're too hard. Yeah's too hard.
Speaker 3: I think you'll make me busk to my own jokes
Speaker 3: and please go currently in process.
Speaker 2: I looked.
Speaker 1: I just looked it up, and you're right. It's the
Speaker 1: chaplain stage. And also it might be once this gets
Speaker 1: posted it might be too late. But the but the
Speaker 1: important part is that Maggie is going to do it,
Speaker 1: which means credit to Maggie for having done it.
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, and I'll be there again eventually. Yeah, I'll
Speaker 5: come back through.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: The beauty of that show is like even if I'm
Speaker 3: not on the show, and I want to be on
Speaker 3: the show, like, yeah, I could be on the show.
Speaker 5: I'm the after show.
Speaker 3: Like you know what I'm saying, Like, anyone, could you
Speaker 3: stand on the street and be on the show.
Speaker 1: Yeah, get your own switch play and be like guess
Speaker 1: what it's my sat down?
Speaker 4: Well you all ready for your headline, and people go
Speaker 4: it's kind of cool because like in the past, I've
Speaker 4: done it and he's like, now let's do somebody set
Speaker 4: over here, and the entire audience.
Speaker 2: Walks with you.
Speaker 4: It's like this weird perform group performance thing like a
Speaker 4: flash mob or something. It's just a lot of elements,
Speaker 4: but it's cool. But you're right, it's stand ups hard enough.
Speaker 4: When I have a booked spot at the impro, I
Speaker 4: can eat it there and wherever all the stars are
Speaker 4: aligned for me to not mess it up.
Speaker 2: I can. I can. I can fuck up stand up anywhere.
Speaker 1: I'm so good at it, so good at it, but
Speaker 1: I love doing.
Speaker 3: I also have an indoor show coming up. Oh okay,
Speaker 3: so ever Maynard has a show on the sixth of
Speaker 3: April that's going to be indoors, and then Randy felt
Speaker 3: Face is also going to be indoors in April.
Speaker 5: A Dynasty typewriter.
Speaker 2: I think we'll just have is it? Do you have?
Speaker 4: What's your website? People can go there or your Instagram
Speaker 4: your Maggie.
Speaker 5: Oh, Maggie may ha may is spelled m A y e.
Speaker 1: Nice because I'm extra. Are you doing are you doing
Speaker 1: ever Maynard show at the Allusion?
Speaker 5: I think so said we do my show.
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, I didn't ask any you're going
Speaker 3: to even thought about it.
Speaker 2: You're gonna love it. You're gonna love that venue. It's amazing.
Speaker 4: It's yet I've never. It's so cool, it's exciting. It
Speaker 4: feels like when you first started stand up and you
Speaker 4: do one of these black box theaters. It's like it'll
Speaker 4: bring back old nostalgic comedy vibes.
Speaker 5: You're nice, it's great nice.
Speaker 4: So check out Maggie May's Instagram and Twitter and her
Speaker 4: website to see where she's doing stand up because she's
Speaker 4: very good at it.
Speaker 1: She's one of the great and truly make me blush.
Speaker 4: Well, you're the best, and thank you for being on
Speaker 4: our podcast today.
Speaker 2: Y'all you've been listening to Do You Need a Ride?
Speaker 2: Dyn he This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 1: Produced by Casey O'Brien, mixed by Ryo Boum.
Speaker 2: Theme song by Karen Kilgara.
Speaker 1: Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 4: Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar
Speaker 4: podcast That's dyn Ar Podcast.
Speaker 1: For more information, go to exactly wrightmedia dot com.
Speaker 4: Listen, subscribe, leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher
Speaker 4: or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2: Thank you and you're welcome. Fu