Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my
Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and
Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
Speaker 1: how busy you are. This week, we're talking about your
Speaker 1: habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course,
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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one
Speaker 1: health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
Speaker 1: one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier,
Speaker 1: and more healed. Now, guys, I'm back from tour. I'm
Speaker 1: actually back, and I'm so excited to be back here
Speaker 1: with you on our Friday workshops. Your support has been
Speaker 1: incredible to me. So many of you, tens of thousands
Speaker 1: of you came out to see me on tour, so
Speaker 1: many of you. I got to hug and look into
Speaker 1: your eyes and hold your hands, which I so deeply
Speaker 1: wanted to do, and it was just an unbelievable shared experience.
Speaker 1: But even over here on the podcast, you've been supporting
Speaker 1: me through all the incredible episodes this year. We've had
Speaker 1: Dr Joe Dispenser, We've had Kim Kardashian, We've had Lewis Hamilton,
Speaker 1: Kevin Hart. It has been an incredible roster of guests,
Speaker 1: and you keep sharing the episodes, you keep telling your
Speaker 1: friends about them. You are allowing for this wisdom to
Speaker 1: spread so fast, so far and so wide, and for that,
Speaker 1: I am so deeply grateful to you. But I'm back
Speaker 1: for these Friday workshops. Whether you're listening on a Friday
Speaker 1: or any other day, I'm just happy that you're here.
Speaker 1: And I just wanted to take a moment to say
Speaker 1: just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram,
Speaker 1: on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable
Speaker 1: and I don't take it for granted. I value you
Speaker 1: so so much. Keep it coming makes you leave a
Speaker 1: review makes you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok.
Speaker 1: I'm always looking out, I'm always commenting, I'm always replying
Speaker 1: as much as I can. So thank you so much
Speaker 1: for doing that. Now, today's topic is something that I
Speaker 1: think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of
Speaker 1: us deal with, and it's quite a tough one to
Speaker 1: talk about because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot
Speaker 1: of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot
Speaker 1: of our ways of being are defined by wanting to
Speaker 1: be a people pleaser. How many of you already identify
Speaker 1: as a peace people pleaser and feel uncomfortable or unhealthy
Speaker 1: about what it is like to be one, And how
Speaker 1: many of you are listening and you're thinking to yourself, well,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm people pleaser. I've been hearing
Speaker 1: about this term. I feel like I might be. I'm
Speaker 1: not sure, and I want to have a healthier relationship
Speaker 1: with it. And maybe there's some of you who are
Speaker 1: like Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long
Speaker 1: it is wrecking my life. I need to fix it.
Speaker 1: I need to figure it out. How do I do this? Now?
Speaker 1: I want to start off by saying this. Whether you're
Speaker 1: a people pleaser or you think you might be one,
Speaker 1: it's natural. It's normal to want to see other people happy.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's a bad thing. For wanting other
Speaker 1: people to be happy, for wanting other people to be healthy,
Speaker 1: for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to
Speaker 1: be joyful. That is a beautiful feeling that you should
Speaker 1: always hold on to. I have that feeling. When I
Speaker 1: was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out
Speaker 1: into the audience, all my love, all my joy because
Speaker 1: I wanted you to feel that. When I'm recording these episodes,
Speaker 1: when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible
Speaker 1: content that we get to do here add on purpose,
Speaker 1: I'm pouring my heart into I'm pouring all my energy
Speaker 1: into it because I want you to feel that when
Speaker 1: you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing
Speaker 1: and helping and serving people. People pleasing is where we
Speaker 1: displease ourself In the process of pleasing others, we put
Speaker 1: ourselves second to put others first. Actually, we put ourselves seventh.
Speaker 1: By putting everyone else first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
Speaker 1: we deprioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing
Speaker 1: what other people want. What it basically means is that
Speaker 1: when you're a people pleaser, you will even go to
Speaker 1: the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you.
Speaker 1: Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone
Speaker 1: who will go to the extent of even disliking themselves
Speaker 1: in order for others to like them. So, when I'm
Speaker 1: pouring out on stage, or I'm pouring out in these episodes,
Speaker 1: or I'm trying to share my love through my books
Speaker 1: or whatever it may be, I want to please you.
Speaker 1: I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset
Speaker 1: to have, But I don't want to do it to
Speaker 1: the extent that I end up hurting myself, that I
Speaker 1: end up disliking myself, or I end up being frustrated
Speaker 1: or overwhelmed with myself. Right, sometimes you want to make
Speaker 1: someone so happy, but you get so stressed, you take
Speaker 1: on so much overwhelm, you take on so much pressure,
Speaker 1: and in the end of it, whether they're pleased on not,
Speaker 1: you're just exhausted. We don't want to be in that position.
Speaker 1: We don't want to be in a position where we
Speaker 1: have no energy left to give to ourselves. That is
Speaker 1: the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying
Speaker 1: to serve, trying to help, trying to make an impact.
Speaker 1: When you're living for people with purpose, it's different than
Speaker 1: when you're living for people trying to please them. In
Speaker 1: your purpose, you take care of yourself so you can
Speaker 1: serve and help others. In people pleasing, you just try
Speaker 1: and please others, hoping it makes you feel better. Right,
Speaker 1: Notice that difference. So, and I've been there, by the way,
Speaker 1: I remember being a full on people pleaser in thinking
Speaker 1: it with service, being a martyr, thinking it was about sacrifice.
Speaker 1: And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was
Speaker 1: to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work
Speaker 1: on myself, togize myself so that I could extend myself
Speaker 1: to others. If you just focus on yourself and you
Speaker 1: don't care about anyone else, that selfishness. If you only
Speaker 1: focus on other people and not yourself, that's self sabotage
Speaker 1: and self sacrifice. But if you work on yourself, if
Speaker 1: you take care of your health, your mental health, your
Speaker 1: physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more,
Speaker 1: give more, serve more for others. That's what we want
Speaker 1: to get to. And I'm on this journey myself because
Speaker 1: it's so easy to slip back into those old habits
Speaker 1: of being a people pleaser. So today we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about the key traits of people pleasers, and we're
Speaker 1: going to talk about the transformation that we need to
Speaker 1: make into people with purpose. Right. So I learned this
Speaker 1: really interesting term from the National Health Institute, and it's
Speaker 1: the word sociotropic. You might I've heard it before, but
Speaker 1: socio tropic individuals, the National Health Institute says, are characterized
Speaker 1: by an overvaluation of closeness and social acceptance in order
Speaker 1: to boost low self esteem, while autonomous individuals base their
Speaker 1: self esteem on achievement, independence, and control. So we all
Speaker 1: know what autonomy looks, right, The independence, the healthy independence
Speaker 1: of being able to have freedom to make decisions, to
Speaker 1: make choices. Socio Tropic individuals are the opposite. They find
Speaker 1: their worth in not having a choice, in giving up
Speaker 1: their independence, in letting go of a personal pursuit, and
Speaker 1: often end up as people pleases. Now, the Yugo of Pol,
Speaker 1: ended in August twenty twenty two, says about half forty
Speaker 1: seven percent of American adults believe that other people in
Speaker 1: their life would definitely or probably describe them as a
Speaker 1: people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people
Speaker 1: would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not
Speaker 1: alone when you feel this way. And among women, fifty
Speaker 1: one percent believe others see them this way, and forty
Speaker 1: two percent of men say the same. So we can
Speaker 1: see that this is a challenge that a lot of
Speaker 1: us have. It's something that a lot of us experience.
Speaker 1: And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is
Speaker 1: not that you want other people to be happy. Wanting
Speaker 1: other people to be happy is a beautiful motive. It's
Speaker 1: when you're willing to make yourself unhappy to make others
Speaker 1: happy where there becomes a challenge. And what I mean
Speaker 1: by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing
Speaker 1: your own identity, You start dissolving your own nature, your
Speaker 1: own qualities and abilities, in order to make someone else
Speaker 1: feel good. Now, among self identified people pleases in Yugov's poll,
Speaker 1: thirty nine percent say being this way has made their
Speaker 1: life harder. Being a people pleaser makes our life harder.
Speaker 1: And I think you're here because you've experienced that you've
Speaker 1: felt that in your own life where it can become
Speaker 1: really difficult. Now why does it become difficult? I want
Speaker 1: to walk you through these traits because I want us
Speaker 1: to be conscious of the different ways in which we
Speaker 1: behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, you have low self esteem and you're always
Speaker 1: just trying to make other people smile and laugh, and
Speaker 1: those are parts of it. But I want to give
Speaker 1: you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your
Speaker 1: beliefs as well, so that you can be more conscious,
Speaker 1: because the more conscious you are, the easier it is
Speaker 1: to break through. Remember, all amendments in our life start
Speaker 1: with awareness. You can't address something until you're aware of it.
Speaker 1: Let me say that again. You can't address something. You
Speaker 1: can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're
Speaker 1: only aware of it when you're aware of how differently
Speaker 1: it shows up in your life. You're only aware of
Speaker 1: it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and
Speaker 1: the nuances of how it shows up in your life.
Speaker 1: So here are the traits of being a people pleaser.
Speaker 1: The first one is struggling to say no how many
Speaker 1: times does someone message you and say, hey, do you
Speaker 1: have a minute to catch up right now? You've got
Speaker 1: like one hundred emails to look at. But you say yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: and then you hesitate and you feel upset. Right, So,
Speaker 1: what happens You pick up the call. That person starts
Speaker 1: telling you their life story, starts telling you everything they're
Speaker 1: struggling with, starts telling you about their challenges at work.
Speaker 1: What happens next? You help them solve their problems. You
Speaker 1: listen to them. In your head, you're being torn because
Speaker 1: you also want to solve your own problems. Two hours later,
Speaker 1: you come back to your one one hundred and fifty
Speaker 1: nine emails, and all of a sudden, you're now frustrated
Speaker 1: at yourself. You might even feel frustration towards them. I
Speaker 1: think that's one of the most interesting things about being
Speaker 1: a people pleaser is that not only then are you
Speaker 1: upset at yourself, you actually become upset at them. You go, well,
Speaker 1: why can't they be more conscientious? Like, why didn't they
Speaker 1: think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me?
Speaker 1: Why do they never think about how I'm feeling what
Speaker 1: I'm doing? Maybe I'm busy right now? Where else do
Speaker 1: you struggle to say no. Maybe there's a family event
Speaker 1: and maybe there's someone that you don't quite see I
Speaker 1: toy at that family dinner, but when it comes to
Speaker 1: the holiday, you always say yes. Maybe you struggle to
Speaker 1: say no when your friends says, hey, do you want
Speaker 1: to help me move this weekend? Or you know what,
Speaker 1: can you organize this for our friends this year? And
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you become team planner, event planner,
Speaker 1: party planner, and you struggle to say no. We struggle
Speaker 1: to say no because we're scared that it makes us
Speaker 1: unlikable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful,
Speaker 1: we are unlikable. We believe that we are only likable
Speaker 1: if we're useful to others, that if we're of some requirement,
Speaker 1: then that gives us significance. Now that's natural, right when
Speaker 1: you think you offer something to someone, that's when you
Speaker 1: feel significant. But you have to realize that the people
Speaker 1: that love you in your life, they don't love you
Speaker 1: because of your use of a requirement, of a need.
Speaker 1: They love you because of who you are. They love
Speaker 1: you as you are. We think saying no is us
Speaker 1: closing the door and being liked. We think that's it.
Speaker 1: They're going to think I'm useless. They're going to think
Speaker 1: I'm unlikable. They're going to think that I'm not worth it,
Speaker 1: and my only worth is if I can do something
Speaker 1: for this person. Right, I know you can feel that
Speaker 1: when I say it. I know you relate to that
Speaker 1: when I say it, And in we keep saying yes
Speaker 1: even when we can't take it anymore, to the point
Speaker 1: that one day we've said so many yess that we
Speaker 1: finally burst, we finally spill over. And then at that
Speaker 1: point when everything's tipped over the edge, we then are
Speaker 1: upset with that person for not noticing, for not feeling
Speaker 1: how we were feeling. So how do we overcome this?
Speaker 1: Learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever. Right,
Speaker 1: someone says, hey, do you want to come out tonight
Speaker 1: and you say no, I'm not sure, and they say, oh,
Speaker 1: stop being a loser, come out right like that kind
Speaker 1: of attitude, Or hey, you know, we're thinking of planning
Speaker 1: this trip that we're going on and you're like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: I don't think I can go. I've got work priorities,
Speaker 1: And it's like, oh, you're boring, right, Like we feel
Speaker 1: that pressure. My wife and I sometimes feel that because
Speaker 1: we go out to hang with our friends, but we're
Speaker 1: their friends that want to go sleep by ten pm,
Speaker 1: and so we're like leaving and they're like, oh, why
Speaker 1: don't you watch a movie? And we're like, you know what,
Speaker 1: really want to wake up early tomorrow night today? And
Speaker 1: the number one thing is like, well, you know, why
Speaker 1: do you need to do that? Like why can't you
Speaker 1: just have fun? Now? As time's gone on, I've spent
Speaker 1: less and less time with that. I don't have friends
Speaker 1: that say that to me anymore, which is a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: And it's been really clear in guiding me as to
Speaker 1: who likes me for who I am the way I am,
Speaker 1: or who wants me to become more like them in
Speaker 1: order for them to like me right? Think about that clearly.
Speaker 1: Who likes me right for who I am the way
Speaker 1: I am? I like sleeping at ten am. I like
Speaker 1: we get up at six am. I like meditating in
Speaker 1: the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes
Speaker 1: me that way for who I am the way I am?
Speaker 1: Or who only likes me when I do things that
Speaker 1: please them? People who like me for who I am
Speaker 1: the way I am are so important to me compared
Speaker 1: to those who want me to be like them for
Speaker 1: them to like me. Right for some of those friends
Speaker 1: who's like, well, if you don't stay up to watch
Speaker 1: a movie like I like to, then I don't like
Speaker 1: you as much. Right. If you're not going to be
Speaker 1: the person who entertains me in this way, then I
Speaker 1: don't like you as much. And learning to say no
Speaker 1: is accepting that you may lose that person or that
Speaker 1: person may distance themselves from you. And I think that's
Speaker 1: what we're getting at here, is that we're actually developing
Speaker 1: the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not
Speaker 1: liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn
Speaker 1: to say no in a nice way. I think when
Speaker 1: we first practiced this, we start learning to just say no.
Speaker 1: We're like, no, I'm not coming, No, I can't make it.
Speaker 1: And all of a sudden that person's like, well, why
Speaker 1: are you being so abrupt? You literally were saying yes
Speaker 1: until yesterday, and now you listen to a Jay Shaddy
Speaker 1: episode and now you're just say no all the time. Right,
Speaker 1: But it's like, no, let me say no in a
Speaker 1: nice way. Let me give my explanation. You're not remember
Speaker 1: giving an apology or a context for trying to make
Speaker 1: them happy. But you're being honest. So I'll say to
Speaker 1: a friend, I'll be like, you know what, I actually
Speaker 1: did this this weekkend right. It was fourth of July,
Speaker 1: last weekend. It was a big holiday weekend. I had
Speaker 1: a lot of wonderful friends. I'd just come back into
Speaker 1: town after my tour. Everyone's like, Jay, we want to
Speaker 1: see you, want to hang out And I wanted to
Speaker 1: see them too, And I said, you know what, I
Speaker 1: literally just came off tour. I'm pretty exhausted. I just
Speaker 1: need to spend a bit of a loan time this weekend.
Speaker 1: And That's what I'm going to do. And I'll see
Speaker 1: you as soon as I can. I would really appreciate
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for understanding this in advance. And hey,
Speaker 1: none of my friends were like, oh, Jay, you're so ungrateful,
Speaker 1: Like why are you acting like that. Everyone's just like, Jay,
Speaker 1: we get it. Let us know when you're free, right.
Speaker 1: And so that's the kind of community you want to
Speaker 1: surround yourself with. If someone's not reciprocating or responding to
Speaker 1: your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you
Speaker 1: have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person
Speaker 1: that you want to have in your life. Now. Number two,
Speaker 1: which is linked to this, is a lot of us
Speaker 1: constantly apologize, Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry I did that almost so sorry, I can't
Speaker 1: make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't per I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. Right, we threw a dinner party, but we're
Speaker 1: so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always
Speaker 1: over apologizing. How many of you find yourselves when you
Speaker 1: don't know what to say, you just overapologize. Like, let's
Speaker 1: say someone's into you, right, someone's been flirting with you,
Speaker 1: someone's slid into your DM, someone's messaging you, someone's talking
Speaker 1: to you. You're not into them. They tell you that
Speaker 1: they're into you, and now you are telling them you're
Speaker 1: not into them. But you're like, I'm so sorry, I'm
Speaker 1: not into you, Like I feel so bad, like you know,
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. And by the way, it's
Speaker 1: great for you to have feelings for how they feel,
Speaker 1: but we constantly make it feel like it's our fault. Right,
Speaker 1: and now that you say no to them and they say, oh, well,
Speaker 1: I still want to be friends, or like let's still
Speaker 1: connect or let's still talk, and then we feel even
Speaker 1: more sorry because then we want to spend time with
Speaker 1: them because we want them to like us. But then
Speaker 1: we're like, oh, wait a minute, I feel bad because
Speaker 1: maybe I'm still teasing them, or maybe they're still into me,
Speaker 1: or whatever it may be. And so now you're making
Speaker 1: out like this was all your fault. How many times
Speaker 1: have you made it out, be honest with me, how
Speaker 1: many times have you made it out that it's all
Speaker 1: your fault? How many times do you feel that way?
Speaker 1: That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly
Speaker 1: apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they
Speaker 1: had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss.
Speaker 1: You feel like everything is all your fault. How many
Speaker 1: of us walk around with that mindset that everything is
Speaker 1: our fault, that in some way, if things aren't perfect,
Speaker 1: it's our fault, That it's our problem, that we did
Speaker 1: something wrong, that we made a mistake. Now, how do
Speaker 1: we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything's
Speaker 1: our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize
Speaker 1: that if someone was an adult, they had to take
Speaker 1: responsibility for their actions, and I had to take responsibility
Speaker 1: for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over eighteen
Speaker 1: years years old, right, if you're over twenty one years old,
Speaker 1: everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and
Speaker 1: do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm there to support, Yes I want to be a
Speaker 1: good friend, but I have to acknowledge that if something
Speaker 1: didn't work out, it is not my fault because we
Speaker 1: have to take accountability. Right, we have to take accountability,
Speaker 1: and to me, instead of apologizing, what became a healthier
Speaker 1: solution was asking questions. So let's say that something didn't
Speaker 1: go the way someone wanted it to. Instead of me
Speaker 1: saying I'm so sorry, I'll sort it out, I'll be like, well,
Speaker 1: how do you think it should have gone? What do
Speaker 1: you think we could have done better? What is it
Speaker 1: that you could have done and I could have done?
Speaker 1: How could we have approached this better? I found that
Speaker 1: replacing apologies with questions. Now again, I'm not saying when
Speaker 1: you're at fault, don't say sorry, right, That's not what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I'm saying that, A, don't think everything is
Speaker 1: your fault, and B when something feels like it's being
Speaker 1: blamed on you, or it's coming back to you. It's like, well,
Speaker 1: how should we deal with this? So going back to
Speaker 1: that idea of someone being into you and you're feeling
Speaker 1: like it's all your fault, saying well, let's navigate this better,
Speaker 1: like how can we keep hanging out together if you're
Speaker 1: still into me? You can't just not be into me tomorrow.
Speaker 1: If you ask that question, that person now has to
Speaker 1: think about it. Chances are they haven't thought about it.
Speaker 1: Chances are in their head, they're still thinking they're gonna
Speaker 1: get you, they're still gonna win you over, They're still
Speaker 1: going to find a way to lure you into their
Speaker 1: life if they're really into you, right, that's what they're thinking.
Speaker 1: But when you ask the question and say, well, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, how can we just hang out as friends?
Speaker 1: Because you just told me you're into me and I'm
Speaker 1: not going to change my mind about you, So how's
Speaker 1: this going to work? And then all of a sudden
Speaker 1: they have to say, oh, I'm not sure, like oh
Speaker 1: it will be fine, and it's like, well, no, how
Speaker 1: will it be fine? So asking questions is better than saying, look,
Speaker 1: i'm so sorry, this is going to be tough for you,
Speaker 1: but we'll figure it out and then you start consoling them.
Speaker 1: This is huge, by the way, I hope, I hope
Speaker 1: you're listening, and I hope that this is resonating with you.
Speaker 1: The third trait is not communicating your needs. This is
Speaker 1: a big one for people where we spend months go by,
Speaker 1: even years go by, and we never felt like we
Speaker 1: had an opinion or we never felt like we could
Speaker 1: share our opinion, and then years later we said, well,
Speaker 1: why never you asked me what I want? And the
Speaker 1: person's like, well, you never said what you want. And
Speaker 1: it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate
Speaker 1: what we want, then that person will be happy because
Speaker 1: they'll get to do what they want. And often, if
Speaker 1: you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead
Speaker 1: with that way without even asking. But it's so important
Speaker 1: that you take time daily to sit down just for
Speaker 1: five minutes at the start of your day and five
Speaker 1: minutes at the end of your day. At the five
Speaker 1: minutes at the start of your day, ask yourself, what's
Speaker 1: the one thing I need to do today to make
Speaker 1: today feel like a great day. I ask myself this
Speaker 1: every day, what's the one thing I need to do
Speaker 1: today to make today feel like a great day. And
Speaker 1: often the answer will be workout. Sometimes the answer will
Speaker 1: be sleep early. Sometimes the answer will be have dinner
Speaker 1: with friends. Sometimes the answer will be hang out with Radi.
Speaker 1: Actually it's hang out with Radi pretty much every day,
Speaker 1: but you know that that isn't always possible if we're traveling.
Speaker 1: But the idea is, if you have that one question,
Speaker 1: that one thing, you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating
Speaker 1: your needs to yourself is the first step to a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with someone else. It's not that you don't
Speaker 1: communicate your relation your needs to them, it's that we
Speaker 1: don't communicate our needs to ourselves right we're not even aware.
Speaker 1: So every day, sit down at the start of the
Speaker 1: day five minutes reflect what's the one thing I need
Speaker 1: to do today to make today a great day. And
Speaker 1: at the end of each day, ask yourself, have I
Speaker 1: done it yet? And what am I grateful for that
Speaker 1: I did for myself, reminding yourself, closing that loop, because
Speaker 1: too many of us don't even know what we want.
Speaker 1: Number four signs of a people pleaser is that you
Speaker 1: often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone
Speaker 1: gets along, but somehow you're not getting along. And in
Speaker 1: order to solve that feeling, you try and people please, you,
Speaker 1: try and over deliver. You try and be there and
Speaker 1: be everything and be around. And what I find for
Speaker 1: this one is that we often feel rejected and left
Speaker 1: out because we're trying to be part of a group
Speaker 1: that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural
Speaker 1: group for all of us, all across the planet. For
Speaker 1: some people, it's a club for some people, it's a
Speaker 1: cycling group for some people. It's game night for some people.
Speaker 1: But you know, we always want to be part of
Speaker 1: that one group of friends. It's kind of like that
Speaker 1: movie Mean Girls, if you remember it, and it's like
Speaker 1: there are so many groups of friends at college or
Speaker 1: at high school, but everyone wants to be part of
Speaker 1: that one group because we think that that one group
Speaker 1: is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, and more beautiful,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. And the truth is that that
Speaker 1: isn't necessarily our group, and that's okay, And even us
Speaker 1: wanting to be in that group is inauthentic. And I
Speaker 1: think that's what's so interesting. We think, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: they're so inauthentic. Because they don't want to be my friend.
Speaker 1: And it's like, no, we're in authentic for wanting to
Speaker 1: be at that party, for wanting to be in that
Speaker 1: friend group, for wanting to be in that circle. So
Speaker 1: the soul for this is find your group, find different
Speaker 1: people for different things. I like to dabble in different
Speaker 1: social circles and I have friends that I see in
Speaker 1: different environments in different reasons, and that allows you to
Speaker 1: live a truly authentic life because not all my friends
Speaker 1: love football, not all my friends love game night, not
Speaker 1: all my friends love hanging at the pool, not all
Speaker 1: my friends love meditation, And it'll allows me to be
Speaker 1: all of myself. And yes, there are a few people
Speaker 1: who know me completely three sixty and that's beautiful. But
Speaker 1: we're trying so hard to be part of one group
Speaker 1: that we end up feeling rejected when there are so
Speaker 1: many beautiful groups to be a part of and finding
Speaker 1: our misfits. Right, it's like, let's be the misfits. Let's
Speaker 1: find our community, rather than forcing ourselves into the community
Speaker 1: that we suppose is more interesting, more cool, or more
Speaker 1: relevant or or the place to be, which necessarily wouldn't
Speaker 1: make us happier. Now, The fifth trait is you tend
Speaker 1: to be agreeable, and this goes with the next one
Speaker 1: sixth trait, which is you avoid conflict or tough conversations.
Speaker 1: So listen to this. Thirty three percent of men said
Speaker 1: they often mirrord the behavior of others in social situations
Speaker 1: to make them comfortable. Thirty four percent of women say
Speaker 1: the same. So you tend to be agreeable. Now, what's interesting.
Speaker 1: The thing about this is agreeable doesn't just mean I
Speaker 1: agree right. It's not just saying yes. It's not as
Speaker 1: simple as that. What it actually is is if everyone's
Speaker 1: gossiping in a circle, you feel it's okay to gossip,
Speaker 1: even if you don't do that in order to fit in.
Speaker 1: I fell into this trap with negativity. If I was
Speaker 1: standing in a room and everyone was sharing something negative
Speaker 1: that they are experiencing or something bad, I would join
Speaker 1: in too, even though that's not really where I place
Speaker 1: my energy. If everyone in a room is saying that
Speaker 1: they don't like something, you feel scared to voice your opinion. Now,
Speaker 1: sometimes it's safe to not voice your opinion. Of course,
Speaker 1: you have to be in a safe space to truly
Speaker 1: be unagreeable or disagreeable. But I find that we do
Speaker 1: it in those ways where like I said, like, if
Speaker 1: someone is being negative, we be negative. If someone gossips,
Speaker 1: we gossip. If someone is being mean, we're mean, right Like,
Speaker 1: we mirror that. And that's what a third of people
Speaker 1: are saying, is that we mirror other people's behavior. And
Speaker 1: what I found in this regard is we have to
Speaker 1: learn to share our opinion without being combative. Right We
Speaker 1: think that disagreeing has to be a debate. We think
Speaker 1: that disagreeing has to be a dispute, but it doesn't.
Speaker 1: A disagreement is different from a dispute. It's different from
Speaker 1: a debate. It's different from deconstruction of an argument, right, Like,
Speaker 1: you can share how you feel without being combative. How
Speaker 1: do you do that though, So let's take that example
Speaker 1: again of me feeling like I'm going to be negative
Speaker 1: or I'm going to be gossipy. Silence, being quiet is
Speaker 1: one of the best ways to share your opinion without
Speaker 1: being combative. You're not on your high hole, you're not
Speaker 1: guiding everyone. The preachy version never works, right like telling everyone, hey, guys,
Speaker 1: we shouldn't be doing this like that doesn't go down well.
Speaker 1: And so sometimes the best way of raising your voice
Speaker 1: is being silent in the sense that you don't join in. Now,
Speaker 1: if this is an issue you really care about. If
Speaker 1: this is an issue that's really important, and you can
Speaker 1: see people being really vocal about something that you don't
Speaker 1: agree with, you fighting them doesn't actually change how they
Speaker 1: feel about it. You're making them feel bad about what
Speaker 1: they're saying. Doesn't make them change how they feel about it.
Speaker 1: What makes someone change how they feel about how they
Speaker 1: feel is when something is presented in such an awful,
Speaker 1: thoughtful way that they are charmed and disarmed by it. Right,
Speaker 1: if someone is shouting at you, or if someone's telling
Speaker 1: you you're wrong, that doesn't change how you feel. What
Speaker 1: changes how you feel is when someone proposes something with
Speaker 1: so much humility, When someone proposes something with so much
Speaker 1: peace and ease in their voice and their heart and
Speaker 1: their eyes, and you think, huh, maybe they are right. Okay?
Speaker 1: In this, like I said, relates to the next one,
Speaker 1: which is you avoid conflicts or tough conversations. Two thirds
Speaker 1: of Americans, including seventy percent of women and sixty three
Speaker 1: percent of men, say they often go to great lengths
Speaker 1: to avoid conflict. Now, I used to hate conflict and
Speaker 1: I don't enjoy it. Definitely don't enjoy it. But I
Speaker 1: used to avoid it so badly. I used to like,
Speaker 1: be agreeable, be nice, be kind, just avoid the fight
Speaker 1: and think that that's the right thing to do. And
Speaker 1: what I realized is you don't have to get as
Speaker 1: far as a fight. Actually, if you put off conflict
Speaker 1: in tough conversations too many times, that's what leads to
Speaker 1: a fight, Whereas if you're forward thinking, you can avoid
Speaker 1: a fight by actually having a tough conversation up front.
Speaker 1: The way that has helped me the most is practicing
Speaker 1: and rehearsing tough conversations. The biggest mistake with conflicts and
Speaker 1: tough conversations is that they are not practiced and not rehearsed,
Speaker 1: and they happen spontaneously randomly when you're not in the
Speaker 1: right mindset and not being articulate about what's going on.
Speaker 1: So if I want to have a tough conversation, I
Speaker 1: will make a list of notes to say, here is
Speaker 1: what we're struggling with, here is the challenge, and here
Speaker 1: is my solution. Notice how that is so different from
Speaker 1: this is wrong. I just don't like how you feel
Speaker 1: about this. You need to change. If I walk someone
Speaker 1: through and I say, hey, these are the things I'm
Speaker 1: struggling with. Here's how it's causing a challenge for me.
Speaker 1: Here's the solution. What's your take? It transforms in if
Speaker 1: you've practiced and rehearsed that, it changes the quality of
Speaker 1: that conversation. Now, I want to share one more trait
Speaker 1: with you. You don't want people to not like you
Speaker 1: you so you'll be anything or do anything. Sixty four
Speaker 1: percent of people say they often put other people's needs
Speaker 1: first at the expense of their own. Now, this is
Speaker 1: the root of it, the root of all of it
Speaker 1: is we don't know who we are. We don't know
Speaker 1: who we are, so we're happy to be anyone in
Speaker 1: anything that anyone wants us to be. So how do
Speaker 1: I find who I am? Like? How do you even
Speaker 1: work on that? Like? What does that look like? Well?
Speaker 1: I want you to spend time doing an activity that
Speaker 1: I put at the beginning first chapter of my first book,
Speaker 1: Think like a Monk. This activity asks you what are
Speaker 1: your current values? How's the current mindsets or the ways
Speaker 1: you think? Where did they come from? Did they come
Speaker 1: from with parents, your family, your school, your teacher, society,
Speaker 1: or yourself and do you still want them to be
Speaker 1: your values. If you can do that activity in the
Speaker 1: first chapter of Think like a Monk, what are your
Speaker 1: current values, where did they come from? And do you
Speaker 1: still want to keep those values? It will transform how
Speaker 1: you realign with yourself. I want to thank you so
Speaker 1: much for tuning in to today's podcast. I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: to all of you who are sharing on Purpose with
Speaker 1: your world. I am so thankful for all the reviews.
Speaker 1: I saw all these reviews on Spotify that I didn't
Speaker 1: even know were there. It's incredible to see just how
Speaker 1: many of you have left beautiful reviews, which I'm so
Speaker 1: so grateful for. I'm so thankful for, and honestly, I'm
Speaker 1: just so grateful I got to meet so many of
Speaker 1: you this year. I love bumping into you on the streets.
Speaker 1: If you're an on Purpose listener, tell me you're on
Speaker 1: Purpose listener, I want to give you a big hug
Speaker 1: and I will see you again next week for another
Speaker 1: episode or I know a lot of you are listening
Speaker 1: every day. Thank you for those of you who have
Speaker 1: made on Purpose a daily companion. Very grateful, see you soon.
Speaker 1: Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain
Speaker 1: has the autopilot engaged about ninety percent of the time,
Speaker 1: and some psychologists estimate that we make about ninety percent
Speaker 1: of our decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking. But unlike
Speaker 1: an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls,
Speaker 1: we don't usually end up where we want to go.
Speaker 1: But don't worry. There's a simple way that we can
Speaker 1: stay dialed in the next seven minutes are about intention
Speaker 1: and adding direction to the choices you make in life.
Speaker 1: I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now, before
Speaker 1: we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths
Speaker 1: to help us get centered, breathing in and breathing out,
Speaker 1: inviting inward and releasing outward, opening up and settling in. Now,
Speaker 1: let me tell you a story. Before I started high school,
Speaker 1: if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was,
Speaker 1: I'd have said art, no question. But then I met
Speaker 1: mister Buckridge. He was an art teacher in my school.
Speaker 1: Tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore
Speaker 1: these red checked shirts and knit ties. I also remember
Speaker 1: something mister Buckridge would do that really bugged me. At
Speaker 1: least at first, He'd stroll around the room looking at
Speaker 1: our work, and each time he'd stop at my desk
Speaker 1: and ask me this question why, like, why had I
Speaker 1: decided to use that color combination? I don't know, I'd say,
Speaker 1: because it looks cool. Mister Buckrage would shake his head.
Speaker 1: That's not a real reason. He always pushed me to
Speaker 1: really think things through, to be clear about my choices,
Speaker 1: and honestly, that's where I first learned the power and
Speaker 1: the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout
Speaker 1: my life, and it's one that can help you too.
Speaker 1: When I left high school, art had gone from being
Speaker 1: my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because
Speaker 1: I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm
Speaker 1: still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look
Speaker 1: at the world through the lens of intention. And now today,
Speaker 1: if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating
Speaker 1: my office, at every step along the way, I know
Speaker 1: my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on
Speaker 1: a light in a dark room. We're no longer just
Speaker 1: feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead,
Speaker 1: we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures
Speaker 1: that we're living with purpose instead of being driven by
Speaker 1: unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions. That we're not living life
Speaker 1: on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an
Speaker 1: opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that
Speaker 1: your actions align with your values and your priorities. Here's
Speaker 1: a simple, yet profound exercise today. At each decision point
Speaker 1: you encounter as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask
Speaker 1: yourself why. Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision,
Speaker 1: considering how many we actually make in a day, but
Speaker 1: try to do it for a few hours. Why am
Speaker 1: I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to
Speaker 1: wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a
Speaker 1: coffee on my way to work? And why did I
Speaker 1: choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool
Speaker 1: or because I always do? We'll get the mister buckrage buzzer.
Speaker 1: Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at
Speaker 1: what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate
Speaker 1: impacts your life. I know it may seem like a
Speaker 1: little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the
Speaker 1: controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And
Speaker 1: with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we
Speaker 1: turn to our meditation first. Yet, come comfortable wherever you
Speaker 1: are and be purposeful about what that means for you
Speaker 1: in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything
Speaker 1: just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate,
Speaker 1: so eyes open or closed, and consider why you're making
Speaker 1: that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can
Speaker 1: keep flowing along with your natural rhythm, or mindfully breathe
Speaker 1: a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on
Speaker 1: your your breath, or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else,
Speaker 1: like a sensation in your body or a sound in
Speaker 1: the environment. Now, take a moment to think about your
Speaker 1: day so far. Why are you where you are right now?
Speaker 1: Why are you listening to the Daily Jay? Why are
Speaker 1: you listening at this time of day, in this place?
Speaker 1: And now let's open this up. How often do you
Speaker 1: do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how
Speaker 1: often would you say you're an autopilot as you moved
Speaker 1: through life? When and where could you ask yourself why?
Speaker 1: How could this transform your life for the better? Personally,
Speaker 1: my wife for the Daily Jay is very clear, I'm
Speaker 1: incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives.
Speaker 1: I hope mister Buckrage would be proud. Thanks for being
Speaker 1: here and I'll see you tomorrow.