Speaker 1: What's the craziest thing you've ever written that actually made
Speaker 1: it into a speech where you were just like, oh,
Speaker 1: let's just see if I can get this in there
Speaker 1: or get him to say Baba booie toshha Tosh, shush
Speaker 1: show cup show. Hey, guys, it's me, believe it or not.
Speaker 1: This is what Daniel Tosh normally looks like, Like a
Speaker 1: hungover Andrew Luck, like even Gay or Abraham Lincoln, like
Speaker 1: an amish who's lost his way. Welcome to Tosh Show, guys.
Speaker 1: I've been in the mountains. This is my first day back.
Speaker 1: And uh, I'll clean up before the interview, but I
Speaker 1: wanted to just see me raw. Never been able to
Speaker 1: grow a proper beard. It's not good, Eddie. What do
Speaker 1: you think of it?
Speaker 2: It's looking pretty, I don't know. Yeah, it never really
Speaker 2: gets to that big, huge burly. I don't think you
Speaker 2: let it go that far. You should try for a year.
Speaker 1: It's just it just gets more and more pubic hairy.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, anyway, you know, it's good to be back. I'm
Speaker 1: excited to shave what I miss how Happy.
Speaker 2: New Year, Happy New Year to you, Glad to have
Speaker 2: you back.
Speaker 1: Who how is your Christmas it's good.
Speaker 2: In Austin, Texas with the family.
Speaker 1: I had a great Christmas. We all got RSV. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my wife's brother came just sick as could be, got
Speaker 1: all of us infected immediately, and then they left, and
Speaker 1: then we had like two weeks alone of just snodding
Speaker 1: and coughing. Just lovely. Just your head feels like it's
Speaker 1: gonna explode every night when you're trying to lay down
Speaker 1: kids screaming. Just a magical time of year. No, I
Speaker 1: did have a good time. You know what. I want
Speaker 1: to say, This what I think I now because of
Speaker 1: this show, Believe it or not. I just love Christmas
Speaker 1: so much because every time I opened a gift that
Speaker 1: someone gave me, I was just so excited. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm giving this away. Yeah, there he is, And I
Speaker 1: was just watching people fume. Now, I'd like to read
Speaker 1: a text from my father. He sent me this. What
Speaker 1: does it say? Back in August. By the way, as
Speaker 1: we close in on our octogenarianism, they're turning eighty octogenarianism,
Speaker 1: we have decided to shut down birthday and Christmas gifting.
Speaker 1: We are quite out of step of what is in
Speaker 1: or even appropriate anymore. A well wished text will assure
Speaker 1: each of our family members of our never waning love
Speaker 1: and concern. But this does not preclude my purchase of
Speaker 1: a model car for my grandson that somehow catches my eye. Okay,
Speaker 1: so Scrooge McDuck there says no more gift giving, doesn't
Speaker 1: want to receive anything, doesn't want to give anything. Now
Speaker 1: I I you know, I didn't let that go. I
Speaker 1: reach out to them, Hey, what's going on? Grnches, and
Speaker 1: my mom flat out says it. She goes, I watch
Speaker 1: you give away stuff on the show. You just make
Speaker 1: fun of everybody that gives you something. You don't need anything,
Speaker 1: so we're not giving you anything.
Speaker 2: I kind of like it.
Speaker 1: I like her. Well, I love it. Yeah, I love
Speaker 1: it because it finally worked. The whole point of this
Speaker 1: stop giving me things? It worked. Speaking of gifts, my
Speaker 1: alma mater, UCF Central Florida Knights in Orlando, Florida, they
Speaker 1: get football great Scott Frost. Last time he was the
Speaker 1: coach of the UCF Knights, they were undefeated and now
Speaker 1: then he went on to his alma materate at Nebraska
Speaker 1: and just laid a big turd.
Speaker 2: Four years of it.
Speaker 1: I have to admit I said a lot of nasty
Speaker 1: things about when he left. I was like, stay, You've
Speaker 1: got things cooking at a school that'll give you everything,
Speaker 1: And you know He's like, no, I gotta go. This
Speaker 1: is my destiny. I was a quarterback here, you know,
Speaker 1: in the eighties when Nebraska mattered late nineties, all right
Speaker 1: nineties whenever. Now am I worried that Scott Frost, who
Speaker 1: is given this second chance, this opportunity to redeem his
Speaker 1: deplorable behavior, to coach this powerhouse football program, is gonna
Speaker 1: leave again? I am, I am, and I understand that. Listen.
Speaker 1: When I went to UCF, I graduated a semester early.
Speaker 1: Why because I wanted to get out of there. I
Speaker 1: can relate. I just don't want it to have I
Speaker 1: want you to stay there, do us proud and win
Speaker 1: it all. Anyway, Ah, any resolutions this year, Nope. I
Speaker 1: wasn't positive of what compilation garbage John was gonna pump
Speaker 1: out during the break, But I saw that we did
Speaker 1: the the the poop story montage. Well, let me tell
Speaker 1: you something, you know, I say every year my New
Speaker 1: Year's resolution is not poop myself. I didn't make it.
Speaker 2: I mean it was so early in the year.
Speaker 1: So early. Here's what happened. I'm in Tahoe. I go
Speaker 1: to my favorite cakeriy Okay, it's not called a bakery, Pete,
Speaker 1: it's called a cakey.
Speaker 2: It's his favorite one, Pete, my.
Speaker 1: Favorite cakereach at Sugar Pine. Allison is the owner and
Speaker 1: her husband Brett. I believe they're both. They're both wonderful people.
Speaker 1: I go in there and they've got so many good things.
Speaker 1: They got a banana cinnamon bread that I love. Always
Speaker 1: get a slice of that. Their cookies look perfect, so
Speaker 1: I always have to grab a couple of those. And
Speaker 1: this is breakfast. You know, I'm getting the biscuit, sandwich,
Speaker 1: I'm getting the eggs. But this day I decide, well
Speaker 1: I'll get a hot chocolate as well along with all those. Also,
Speaker 1: I had a donut and it doesn't Guys, it's a
Speaker 1: cake ry.
Speaker 2: You got a problem.
Speaker 1: That's not a problem. It's called breakfast. And when you're
Speaker 1: in the mountains, you need a lot to survive.
Speaker 2: Fuel up.
Speaker 1: Well, we always we always get the breakfast, and then
Speaker 1: we park at this little park around the bend and
Speaker 1: you take a hike through the woods. There's a little
Speaker 1: nome door. My son loves to open it up. He
Speaker 1: brings a toy every time and leaves it. You're supposed
Speaker 1: to take a toy, leave a toy. We just give
Speaker 1: a toy every time. Some kids just leave rocks in there.
Speaker 1: That's that's bullshit. And then they take my kid's good
Speaker 1: toy that he leaves. But whatever. We say hi to
Speaker 1: the gnomes and then there's a picnic on the lake
Speaker 1: and we eat, we eat our breakfast. It's just magical.
Speaker 1: It's just a routine. Well, anyway, halfway through this walk,
Speaker 1: let me say something else. When I'm holding my daughter,
Speaker 1: her knee is going into my stomach, and if my
Speaker 1: stomach is remotely suspect at the time that it's just
Speaker 1: putting pressure for me to get everything out. Yeah, you understand.
Speaker 2: Sure.
Speaker 1: This walk is maybe three quarters of a mile, about
Speaker 1: one hundred yards in. I tell my wife how great
Speaker 1: is this? I said something to the effect of what
Speaker 1: a wonderful morning, And then I said, hey, oh, I
Speaker 1: don't know if I can do this, and she's like,
Speaker 1: what I got? Yeah, I gotta go back. She's like,
Speaker 1: where are you going? I go? I don't know. So
Speaker 1: I just took my daughter and I start walking back.
Speaker 1: I go, you guys, go to the nome door. Let
Speaker 1: my son put his toy in there so it doesn't
Speaker 1: freak out, and then just hurry back. Well, anyway they're going,
Speaker 1: I make it maybe twenty five steps the other direction,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, no, it's here. I start yelling
Speaker 1: for my wife to come back. She's not. I start
Speaker 1: walking into the woods a little deeper. There's snow, you know,
Speaker 1: a foot or two on the ground. I set my
Speaker 1: daughter down, stand her up. She immediately falls, starts screaming.
Speaker 1: Can't deal with that. Now, pull my pants down and
Speaker 1: go the bathroom. And it's like molten lava through the snow.
Speaker 1: It fires through the snow. My wife. I see my
Speaker 1: wife coming back, and she because she's just following the
Speaker 1: sounds of her screaming daughter, who's sitting in the snow.
Speaker 1: She's not she's not hurt. There's just sitting there watching
Speaker 1: her dad. Uh, you know, in the bathroom and anyway.
Speaker 2: Self into the woods.
Speaker 1: She sees me. She's mortified. She picks up my little
Speaker 1: angel and I'm like, oh, and then I use snow
Speaker 1: to wipe. By the way, great wiper, m great white.
Speaker 1: You can you can it's it's easy anyway, we go back,
Speaker 1: we get back in the car. I'm like, sorry about that, guys.
Speaker 2: Hey, everybody, sorry about it.
Speaker 1: Now, here's the thing. Did I actually break my resolution?
Speaker 1: I say no? And here's why. If a man is
Speaker 1: walking through the woods and says to his wife, oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, honey, I need to pee, and then walks
Speaker 1: into the woods and peas and comes back, nobody's like,
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, can you believe what he did? So
Speaker 1: I did the same thing, but mine was the other
Speaker 1: Mine was violent diarrhea. And my wife's like, yeah, But
Speaker 1: the difference is if you told that person they can't pee,
Speaker 1: they wouldn't just start peeing all over themselves. And I'm like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: maybe I accept that as the difference. When I got
Speaker 1: back to the car, I was like, well, I might
Speaker 1: as well just do a courtesy wipe with one of
Speaker 1: my kid's wet wipes, you know, from their little diaper bag.
Speaker 1: And as I did that, I looked up and there
Speaker 1: were two people walking toward my car from the trail
Speaker 1: that might have just seen me put my hands down
Speaker 1: my pants and wipe, but I'm not sure they did.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if you're out there and you saw that.
Speaker 1: In my apologies, I didn't even look before I went
Speaker 1: for the extra you know, clean white. They wouldn't recognize me.
Speaker 1: I got, you know, I got my beard. I tell
Speaker 1: you what I should do if I shave this and
Speaker 1: then just this bottom part. I look like one of
Speaker 1: those guys that hates America. But that's not true. I
Speaker 1: love this country. Okay, and so does my guest today.
Speaker 3: Enjoy Pasha, my guest today, is a political speech writer
Speaker 3: whose words have either moved you or made you say,
Speaker 3: fuck that shit.
Speaker 1: It really is a country of widely different opinions. She
Speaker 1: can spend boring zoning ordinance issues into poetry about the
Speaker 1: battle for America's soul. And if you thought the ineffective
Speaker 1: speech is that the Democratic National Convention went on too long,
Speaker 1: you can blame her for it. That said, please welcome Amber,
Speaker 1: thank you very much. Are you old enough?
Speaker 4: But things are? They have been better? I would say,
Speaker 4: I mean.
Speaker 1: Anger, furious, where are you this time around?
Speaker 5: Resigned like we knew, we knew this was a possibility.
Speaker 5: I was not as heartbroken and shocked I mean heartbroken, yes,
Speaker 5: but not as shocked or unprepared as as twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1: Of course, when I hear people say insiders tell me,
Speaker 1: oh that we knew all along that she couldn't win,
Speaker 1: I get so enraged. I'm like, well, you know what
Speaker 1: would have been nice for the American economy? I told
Speaker 1: tip us off on that and save us all a
Speaker 1: billion dollars of donations.
Speaker 5: I mean, I think that's such a it's so easy
Speaker 5: to just be like h DC consultants insiders like it's
Speaker 5: not a person. There are many different people in DC
Speaker 5: with various opinion. Of course, some people thought she couldn't win.
Speaker 5: Many people thought she could win. This is one of
Speaker 5: those things where if if she had won, we would
Speaker 5: have all said obviously, obviously she would have won.
Speaker 4: It's such a it was such a slam dunk.
Speaker 1: I mean, I just go. I see myself, listen, I
Speaker 1: had Obama. That was in my lifetime. I'm thankful for it.
Speaker 1: I was at a good age for it. Move me.
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm ever gonna let myself get followed,
Speaker 1: my pass vested. It's just it's just too much for
Speaker 1: my soul. I can't handle it.
Speaker 5: I feel like, maybe, like Rock, the vote kind of
Speaker 5: broke us all and made us feel like voting was
Speaker 5: this like magical identity thing, and what it actually is is,
Speaker 5: as AOC says, like a chess move. We are we
Speaker 5: are trying to move things forward. We are doing our best.
Speaker 5: You know, we push We've gotten a lot of really
Speaker 5: important things done. Obama got things done, Joe Biden got
Speaker 5: a lot of really important things done. And now we're
Speaker 5: going to get pushed back. And you just have to
Speaker 5: keep You just have to keep going. You don't have
Speaker 5: to fall in love every time you just do you know?
Speaker 1: I haven't fallen in love. I haven't fallen in love love.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I know that you liked tearror cards.
Speaker 1: So I'm actually afraid to ask, is do you believe in?
Speaker 4: Afraid to answer this, do you believe in ghosts?
Speaker 5: I lean toward I lean toward now, but I might
Speaker 5: believe in ghosts.
Speaker 1: I wish that was on the ballot.
Speaker 4: I don't think.
Speaker 2: I lean.
Speaker 4: I don't like to take like a hard.
Speaker 5: Stance on things like because I don't know. You don't
Speaker 5: have to see or prove things just to make them real.
Speaker 1: I have a very different opinion. Really, do your What
Speaker 1: did the arror cards say about coming onto my show.
Speaker 4: I did not do a reading for it. I know
Speaker 4: I should have.
Speaker 1: Do you believe in ghost writing.
Speaker 5: As a ghost writer, I do believe that you can
Speaker 5: do it, and they exist.
Speaker 1: You have a rite for the wrong side?
Speaker 3: Mm?
Speaker 1: No, could you?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 1: See I've written jokes for comics that I don't agree with,
Speaker 1: never like I think their style of comedy is just garbage.
Speaker 5: It's like I have worked for people who believe things
Speaker 5: that I don't really agree with. And maybe I've made
Speaker 5: a pitch or I've said like, yeah, sure, I can
Speaker 5: make that argument, but there's like a line for me
Speaker 5: that if I don't, I can't. I can't write a
Speaker 5: speech about I'm very pro choice. I could never write
Speaker 5: a speech that's like, here's why we should ban abortion,
Speaker 5: Like that would just be I don't want to do that.
Speaker 4: That's just not that's not who I am.
Speaker 1: Well you don't have to, thankfully it's going to be banned.
Speaker 1: So too late. I apologize for all of your rights.
Speaker 4: Oh can you take responsibility.
Speaker 1: Please, I'll take some responsibility. Sure, great, thank you. I'm
Speaker 1: a single issue voter. What is it abortion.
Speaker 4: That's your one issue?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 4: Great? Love that.
Speaker 1: I just whatever whatever gets me to like they can
Speaker 1: do whatever they want. That's that's where I vote down
Speaker 1: the ballott But man, is it has it come back
Speaker 1: to bite me? Well, that's why people always it always
Speaker 1: gets me mad when people like if I say, oh,
Speaker 1: I can't wait to check in on these mega fools
Speaker 1: and four years and make how much better is you want?
Speaker 1: And some of their reports?
Speaker 5: Do you check in on them? I regularly check in. Well,
Speaker 5: my whole family or maga. I've got so like, so
Speaker 5: many connections. I regularly have to go in and be like,
Speaker 5: what's Brad Bardon up to?
Speaker 1: I have similar family members as well, But they like
Speaker 1: to push back, Oh, well, let's see how worse your
Speaker 1: life is?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And to that, I'm always like, you care so
Speaker 1: much about women's reproductive rights. You live in California. They're
Speaker 1: not going to be affected there. And I'm like, well, yes,
Speaker 1: they're probably not going to be that affected here, but
Speaker 1: that's not what I'm voting for. I'm voting for this
Speaker 1: seventeen year old girl in Arkansas.
Speaker 4: Well, and they could be affected here various various ways.
Speaker 1: Well, we'll take care of it here. Yeah, Okay, California
Speaker 1: is going to figure Oh I swear one of these days.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I'm going to take my whole state
Speaker 1: with me. We're moving to Cabo Calo. All right. One
Speaker 1: could argue that you and I were we were both
Speaker 1: raised at and Christian Colt said, if we want to,
Speaker 1: I don't know if we want to use that word,
Speaker 1: but yours sounds way more Culty coulty. It probably was
Speaker 1: talk about what your childhood was like.
Speaker 4: There's like different phases.
Speaker 5: So I I remember my first memories were we lived
Speaker 5: on a commune in Indiana with like a farm, a
Speaker 5: working farm.
Speaker 1: How many people is this?
Speaker 4: I mean the cult itself was international.
Speaker 5: I don't want to have a brag, but it was
Speaker 5: like the second largest cult for a while.
Speaker 1: Oh I know, I know what was what was number one? Scientology?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, I think yeah, all right, I could be wrong. No,
Speaker 5: I think that's right.
Speaker 1: You know, we were what you might call it. What's
Speaker 1: what's one where you can't dance or you burn in hell?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 1: What was the movie footlooset? We were footloose? Okay, that
Speaker 1: was all world? Okay, go on.
Speaker 4: We lived on a commune. I don't know.
Speaker 5: Maybe I'm too young to remember how people are there.
Speaker 5: But two hundred I don't.
Speaker 1: Know, not thousands, but no, no, no, got it.
Speaker 5: And it was an old like a convent. It used
Speaker 5: to be a convent and they bought it. Just creepy,
Speaker 5: super creepy, and we had like dorms and so we
Speaker 5: lived in like a dorm, which I think I think
Speaker 5: the weirdest part that I just learned recently, like in
Speaker 5: the last month, that my parents would work on the
Speaker 5: farm during the day and then they would go to
Speaker 5: Bible class at night for like hours, And I was like,
Speaker 5: what did you do with me the baby? And they're like, oh,
Speaker 5: we just left you in the room, and like somebody
Speaker 5: would walk up and down the hallways just to make
Speaker 5: sure all the babies were okay.
Speaker 4: You left babies alone.
Speaker 1: Anyway, it was a different time.
Speaker 2: It was.
Speaker 4: It was the eighties. They didn't actually care.
Speaker 1: About this is when America was great.
Speaker 4: That's back. We're all trying to get back there.
Speaker 1: But year are we trying to get back to you again?
Speaker 4: Did the sixties twenties? I don't know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a theory about that too. What is
Speaker 1: it do you ever go to talk to a friend
Speaker 1: of yours that never left your hometown and then when
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, this place sucks now, it used to
Speaker 1: be so much better. They're the ones that have the
Speaker 1: revisionist history. Oh yeah, that people that like never go
Speaker 1: on to anything.
Speaker 5: They were in high school and they had like a
Speaker 5: great time and so they remember so they making out
Speaker 5: at the drive in.
Speaker 1: That's those are the people that all of those people
Speaker 1: are the ones that things used to be better.
Speaker 4: That's who. That's who just won the election.
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly, But you're still cool with Christianity.
Speaker 4: I'm back, just back into christian Do we.
Speaker 1: Talk Do we want to talk about the name of
Speaker 1: the Calders.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah, it's called The Way International.
Speaker 1: The Way International Way. And they're still around.
Speaker 4: So I follow them on Instagram. I'm sure I like
Speaker 4: to keep.
Speaker 1: Up with like they post ass shots. No.
Speaker 5: But what's interesting is they were like big for a
Speaker 5: minute and then they got sued by like tons of
Speaker 5: women for you know, rape and sexual assault like as happens, yep,
Speaker 5: it kind of fell apart, and then they started they
Speaker 5: kind of like are coming back, and now they're they're
Speaker 5: like revisionist. Like if you go to their Wikipedia, everything
Speaker 5: about all the scandals are gone, like they have edited
Speaker 5: it and now they're just like Instagram full like happy
Speaker 5: people at camp, like singing songs and doing aerobics.
Speaker 1: What's the one that the God hates.
Speaker 4: Fag's church, the Westboro Baptists.
Speaker 1: Here's why, I honestly have some don't get contact all
Speaker 1: right where I can accept them, okay over other I
Speaker 1: like that they have a hard line.
Speaker 5: Okay, I don't disagree with you that I appreciate people
Speaker 5: who are consistent.
Speaker 1: Right, these churches, these churches that just keep kind of evolving,
Speaker 1: we're okay with uh, we love gay people.
Speaker 4: I go to a church now that loves gay people, well, right, because.
Speaker 1: They all want money, so they just keep over in
Speaker 1: their arms up. True, that's not true.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: Every megachurch in this country should not be taxi gosh.
Speaker 5: I should not have to tell you that Jesus says
Speaker 5: nothing about gay people in the Bible. There's not a
Speaker 5: single verse. And you should know what about Okay, that's
Speaker 5: an angel that comes and as like, excuse me, can I.
Speaker 1: Wasn't there a bunch of man on man stuff going
Speaker 1: on and it just sickened the Lord?
Speaker 5: No, I would argue that what sicken the Lord was
Speaker 5: someone who showed up at a door and was like, hey, man,
Speaker 5: can I rape your angel?
Speaker 4: Guess and they were like no.
Speaker 1: No, well that's you don't want it. But back to
Speaker 1: this mega church.
Speaker 5: Stuff, megachurch, Okay, yeah, that's all of those that would
Speaker 5: be money driven.
Speaker 4: Yes, I mean I can't. That's like a complicated but yes,
Speaker 4: I don't. I don't know that I disagree with you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm getting heated already by the way, your parents
Speaker 1: strict religion, strictly didn't stay married. I know.
Speaker 4: That's how we got kicked out of.
Speaker 1: The colt oh the wet When did they get divorced?
Speaker 4: Communicate?
Speaker 5: When I was six, so they did make them break up.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 5: I really wanted an interesting life and I was like,
Speaker 5: you two being happy?
Speaker 1: Which one of them was more vested into the church?
Speaker 4: My mom, i'd say, is much more religious.
Speaker 5: She is still very very deeply religious, and my dad
Speaker 5: now is like a little more open and casual, like
Speaker 5: we're still they're still Christian.
Speaker 1: But like, how long did it take you to unbrainwash?
Speaker 5: I guess when I went to college, I was sort
Speaker 5: of like, oh, I have to I have to rethink
Speaker 5: some of this stuff.
Speaker 4: And it was it was gradual.
Speaker 5: Part of the whole idea of the Way was like
Speaker 5: question everything, question all authority, because they don't believe that
Speaker 5: other churches have it right.
Speaker 4: They're very anti trinity.
Speaker 1: That's every religion. Every religion believes we're right and everyone else.
Speaker 5: But part of their thing was like everyone else is
Speaker 5: wrong and only our little group is right. And I
Speaker 5: think that instilled in me this like skepticism of everything,
Speaker 5: and so then I was like, oh, wait, what if this,
Speaker 5: what if this is wrong? And then I started to.
Speaker 1: Kind of do they believe that everyone else burns in hell?
Speaker 5: I know, actually, hilariously they believe everyone who isn't Christian
Speaker 5: burns and hell. But very hilariously to me, they believe
Speaker 5: if you accept Christ into your heart and you're baptizing
Speaker 5: all that stuff, you go to heaven. But they also
Speaker 5: believe most Christians are wrong. So they're fixed for that
Speaker 5: is that in heaven we're all going to have jobs,
Speaker 5: and if you don't follow our path, then you're gonna
Speaker 5: have a really shitty job, like being a bone car.
Speaker 1: Damn it, Are you telling me that I'm going to
Speaker 1: have a bad job. Yes, because I've been baptized and
Speaker 1: accept that right.
Speaker 5: So you'll go to heaven that way you But when
Speaker 5: God burns the earth and it's full of dead corpses,
Speaker 5: you're going to be the ones picking up bones.
Speaker 4: Which I think is the funniest way too, because punished.
Speaker 1: I've always been told too that that heaven there's going
Speaker 1: to be when I've asked these questions a child, like,
Speaker 1: so all of my Jewish friends are going to burn
Speaker 1: in hell, So all of every Buddhist burns in hell?
Speaker 1: Is why can't we definitively say why? Why won't you
Speaker 1: say that like they do? No, No, my sunny school
Speaker 1: teacher like wouldn't.
Speaker 4: Say it, really, my Sunday school teacher would.
Speaker 5: Well, yeah, they were happy to tell you.
Speaker 1: But they always would say that there's going to be
Speaker 1: more people in heaven than there will be.
Speaker 5: There's like a second chance Jesus. Yeah, when Jesus back,
Speaker 5: there's a second ch.
Speaker 1: Oh, my bad.
Speaker 4: I was, Yeah, so you're just doing the second chance.
Speaker 1: I'm starting to love the way. I don't know what
Speaker 1: their dues are, but it's got to be cheaper than
Speaker 1: the Soho house.
Speaker 4: It's cheaper. They're very communists. For a while, you had
Speaker 4: to give them all their money and then they stole
Speaker 4: it back in I'm.
Speaker 1: Going to do that all right. You studied English in college, uh,
Speaker 1: and then moved to LA to pursue acting.
Speaker 4: I said an English and theater.
Speaker 1: Okay, I didn't know about the theater.
Speaker 4: Who's your research team was?
Speaker 1: Just Dylan? How long were you out in LA?
Speaker 4: Seven years?
Speaker 1: Did you enjoy Los Angeles?
Speaker 4: Yes? I love La. I could never live here again,
Speaker 4: but I love it.
Speaker 1: Don't say you could never level you might have to
Speaker 1: when we separate.
Speaker 4: No, I'll go to I'll go to the East Coast.
Speaker 4: I like the weather better.
Speaker 1: So you move out here to pursue acting? Was it?
Speaker 1: Did you say it didn't run its course? Did you
Speaker 1: lose interest? You're like, oh, I'm not gonna well.
Speaker 4: I was very poor.
Speaker 1: That's what you're supposed to be when you know you were.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it just was.
Speaker 5: I mean I did a bunch of things. It was
Speaker 5: very fun I did. I did like stand up for
Speaker 5: a little while. I did improv for many years and
Speaker 5: lovely time community. I was a clown. I did lots
Speaker 5: of fun stuff. I just no one was ever going
Speaker 5: to pay me, so I just had to, you know,
Speaker 5: like make money.
Speaker 1: I mean, my my theory on show businesses that if
Speaker 1: you just don't quit, eventually, eventually you'll get like a
Speaker 1: commercial paycheck.
Speaker 4: Paycheck.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if it's gonna be a great paycheck. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but if you never quit, I think you're right.
Speaker 4: You're probably right.
Speaker 1: I just it just waits for people to quit. That's
Speaker 1: what I do.
Speaker 5: Think, Like, I'm a big of like abandoning your dream,
Speaker 5: Like at some point you're just like, oh, hey, maybe
Speaker 5: this dream sucks and isn't for me. And it turned
Speaker 5: out like I was so defeated and I felt so
Speaker 5: miserable and sad and worthless all the time, and I
Speaker 5: felt like, oh maybe I'm just like a bad person
Speaker 5: who can't do anything. And then I started to get
Speaker 5: into politics and everyone was like, oh.
Speaker 4: You're amazing, and I was like, what, I'm good at something.
Speaker 1: It turns out so I just needed a different and
Speaker 1: that's way more important in the scheme of things. Do
Speaker 1: you believe do I?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 1: I did not.
Speaker 4: The real important job is comedian. I think now it's not.
Speaker 1: I'm a big believer that my job is embarrassing.
Speaker 4: Embarrassing.
Speaker 1: Yes, when I think of like actual stand up I'm
Speaker 1: going to go make people laugh oh, yeah, it's ridiculous.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well that's yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm I agree. I do not put any self importance
Speaker 1: on this. You actually had a clown service business.
Speaker 4: Yes, sadly, okay, let's didn't go anywhere.
Speaker 1: Go ahead and put the there when she said, I
Speaker 1: didn't go to put the sad clown noise right there.
Speaker 1: Our most democratic speech writers former clowns. Nope, I might
Speaker 1: be was your clown experience.
Speaker 5: Man, I mean it was like the worst and the best.
Speaker 5: And I really I say clown, but I was. I
Speaker 5: don't want to I don't impress too much, but I was.
Speaker 1: I don't want to choose your own nose.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I was a princess.
Speaker 5: I would dress up mostly as like Bell and Cinderella
Speaker 5: and the Little Mermaid.
Speaker 4: And I would just show up and five year olds
Speaker 4: just adored me.
Speaker 5: And I would do magic and like balloon animals and
Speaker 5: clown at all.
Speaker 4: I was clown. Yeah, Bubbles, the clown was my name.
Speaker 4: I did, I did, But you were a princess.
Speaker 5: I did both because I mean, you've probably hired something
Speaker 5: for your child's party.
Speaker 4: Maybe.
Speaker 1: How did you transition completely from l a broken dream
Speaker 1: to speech writer?
Speaker 5: I started, I was, I was doing like a lot
Speaker 5: of like volunteer work for Planned parenthood and murders. Sorry now,
Speaker 5: I started like I don't know volunteering. I was like, oh,
Speaker 5: maybe this is a thing, and so I like showed up. Actually,
Speaker 5: the Democratic Party of the San Fernando Valley is like
Speaker 5: kind of a big power player, okay, And so I
Speaker 5: showed up to the campaign headquarters and I was like,
Speaker 5: put me to work. And I volunteered for a campaign
Speaker 5: and I would like work during the day and come
Speaker 5: at night to to like run their phone bank. And
Speaker 5: they gave me an award for the best volunteer.
Speaker 4: And then I got from there.
Speaker 5: I got a job with Bob Blominfield, who's a council
Speaker 5: member now in LA but he was an assembly member.
Speaker 5: And it was like I got paid like twenty seven
Speaker 5: thousand dollars a year to like go to council meetings
Speaker 5: and be like.
Speaker 4: Bob Bloominfield cares about the potholes. And I was like
Speaker 4: what could be better than this? Like I was so happy.
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it more happy. Where did
Speaker 1: I go from here?
Speaker 5: And then I was like, oh, but I can't I
Speaker 5: can't do like I can't do policy. I'm not like
Speaker 5: smart enough for that, and I'm not like a comps.
Speaker 5: I don't want to talk to reporters. And then I
Speaker 5: was like, oh, I used to write plays. I'm a playwright.
Speaker 5: And I was like, oh, speechwriting is just like playwriting
Speaker 5: for one person. So I just begged Bob to let
Speaker 5: me write his speeches when he was here in the district.
Speaker 4: And I remember the first one I did.
Speaker 5: It was like a five minute speech and I like
Speaker 5: poured over it and it was so like I tried
Speaker 5: so hard, and I gave it to him and he
Speaker 5: went to the event and he read one line that
Speaker 5: I had written and nothing else, and I was.
Speaker 1: Like, was that a gut punch? No, I was really real.
Speaker 5: I was like, this is the greatest day of my life.
Speaker 5: Like it just was so again. I was so broken
Speaker 5: from like auditioning and like one of the last auditions
Speaker 5: I did. I'm sure you are familiar with these, but
Speaker 5: one of the last auditions I did, they lined us
Speaker 5: all up and they were like, just do the chicken
Speaker 5: dance with no music, and it was just like a
Speaker 5: line of people being like.
Speaker 4: And it was the most humiliating thing. So coming from
Speaker 4: that to like someone read something I wrote just felt like.
Speaker 1: I mean, I never there's I don't think regardless if
Speaker 1: I landed a spot or not, there was never an
Speaker 1: audition that I thought, oh that was worth it, oh
Speaker 1: because I got it. No, No, I was, I was, and
Speaker 1: I I mean I did you know a fraction of
Speaker 1: what my peers were doing. I wouldn't audition. I just
Speaker 1: like no. One time I went for an Apple on
Speaker 1: a huge campaign and it was sure enough, it was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: start start dancing and walking and dancing, and I'm like, uhh,
Speaker 1: And I think I don't know if I actually did it.
Speaker 1: I think I might have just got up and left.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I went toring Apple one once and they were like,
Speaker 5: you're perfect for this. We would hire you on the spot,
Speaker 5: but Steve Jobs has to make the call, and just
Speaker 5: like for an hour, just like told me how amazing
Speaker 5: I was, and then I never heard from them, And
Speaker 5: it was just that where I was like, you probably died.
Speaker 4: It's probably happened.
Speaker 1: Most campaigns have no budget for speech, but they'll hire
Speaker 1: you and put you under some like a different title.
Speaker 1: Is that true or no? Or if they don't. If
Speaker 1: they don't have money for a speech writer, they'll be
Speaker 1: no no, we'll still hire you, but you have to
Speaker 1: do other things.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, oh no.
Speaker 5: I most Hill offices, most congressional offices don't have budgets. Okay,
Speaker 5: speech rader, so the Senate has more money per office.
Speaker 5: House members don't have much of a budget, so they
Speaker 5: only get like ten staffers, or depending on who they are,
Speaker 5: they get maybe more. But most Hill offices don't won't
Speaker 5: have speech writers because they're just like you have a
Speaker 5: constructor and maybe a press secretary and that's it.
Speaker 1: Are you always looking for work? Is it?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: I don't want to work. No, I do want to work.
Speaker 4: I will love working.
Speaker 1: But hear me, people come to you. Is that where
Speaker 1: you're at now?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 5: So I left the White House a year ago and
Speaker 5: now I help people. I write speeches, I do trainings,
Speaker 5: I do narrative development.
Speaker 4: This is all sorry if it's.
Speaker 5: Boring, but you know, yeah, I help you people find
Speaker 5: their voice in various different ways, and they hired me
Speaker 5: for you know, nonprofits or for profits. Some politicians still
Speaker 5: you lead with jokes still sometimes Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Swear words, and inny of your speeches?
Speaker 4: Have I ever? Yes? But not generally. No.
Speaker 5: People are still fairly anti swear words, just be cool, a.
Speaker 1: Little blue speech. Yes, oh this one's edgy. Here we go.
Speaker 1: What's the craziest thing you've ever written that actually made
Speaker 1: it into a speech where you were just like, oh,
Speaker 1: let's just see if I can get this in there.
Speaker 6: Nothing ever or get them to say bab a booie.
Speaker 1: I know that's not bad.
Speaker 5: Example, some like really creative speeches that I was like, oh,
Speaker 5: this is so good, and then of course I gave
Speaker 5: it to the person They were like, oh thanks, maybe not.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Do you ever do you ever watch them take
Speaker 1: your speech and do this to it?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah, I mean editing is like a big part
Speaker 4: of the process.
Speaker 1: Well because like in a writer's room on a television show, yeah, writers,
Speaker 1: if the room is a good room, yeah, they can
Speaker 1: fight for their Oh yes, so do you get to
Speaker 1: fight for your.
Speaker 4: Words that all the time.
Speaker 5: That's like half of what I did at the White
Speaker 5: House was just like I think of myself when I'm
Speaker 5: in that room. I do think of myself as like
Speaker 5: the noble like artist defending the human language. And like
Speaker 5: every you know, every speech is like there are fifteen
Speaker 5: lawyers who want to put in like eight different clauses
Speaker 5: and not say one but like achieved a positive outcome
Speaker 5: or like you know, all the different things that people
Speaker 5: want to change. And I'm always like it is my
Speaker 5: sacred duty to defend like the message and the voice
Speaker 5: and to make this sound like something anyone could understand.
Speaker 5: So I got to a lot of fights of just
Speaker 5: I mean, that's that was like half my role.
Speaker 1: It's just like there's word do you do? Do you
Speaker 1: play tricks? Like like I know a lot of writers
Speaker 1: will be like, oh, I know I'm not getting this in,
Speaker 1: but that'll at least make me get this.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, like make it really extreme and then be like,
Speaker 5: I guess I'll just tone it down a little bit.
Speaker 4: And that's what I really wanted.
Speaker 1: Do you think AI is going to steal some of
Speaker 1: your work?
Speaker 5: I am worried about AI ruining the next generation. I'm
Speaker 5: not worried about me so much. I'm amazing, very talented.
Speaker 5: But you get to this place by doing a lot
Speaker 5: of like inname work, and that is what AI can do.
Speaker 4: But you have to like do it.
Speaker 5: You know, you got to like write a bunch of
Speaker 5: dumb talking points and like figure out how what reporters
Speaker 5: are responding to and like write the first draft and
Speaker 5: then have someone rip it up and tear it shreds
Speaker 5: and tell you why you suck. And if AI is
Speaker 5: doing that, like then there's just like a generation of
Speaker 5: new writers who don't get that experience. And I'm that's
Speaker 5: That's what I'm really worried about.
Speaker 1: How much of being a speech writer is rewriting the
Speaker 1: same speech a lot? Is that what you do? You
Speaker 1: just give it like a little refresh.
Speaker 4: Oh you mean like the same speech? No, it depends.
Speaker 1: Some people have stuff on file that you're like, oh
Speaker 1: this works, yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, But like some people want the same speech
Speaker 5: over and over and over. Some people like doctor Biden
Speaker 5: never like she likes different stuff. So we would do
Speaker 5: new speeches all the time. It was a lot of
Speaker 5: new speeches, and sometimes you like pull like oh that's
Speaker 5: a good story, put it over here. It's like a
Speaker 5: puzzle that you're putting together. But it just depends on
Speaker 5: the person. Everyone's kind of different.
Speaker 1: By the way, speech writers make tons of money true
Speaker 1: or false false?
Speaker 6: No, No, it doesn't matter how high up the I mean,
Speaker 6: there are different Yes, there are some speeches writers who
Speaker 6: make lots of money, like White House speech writers don't
Speaker 6: make money.
Speaker 1: Do you get credit?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Well always or never? I'm sorry never.
Speaker 5: I am publicly like I was doctor Biden's speech writer.
Speaker 5: I that is public knowledge. You could google me and
Speaker 5: do you.
Speaker 1: Like to say doctor Biden just to infuriate.
Speaker 4: The right, Yes, doctor Biden.
Speaker 1: Be honest as a speech writer. How nerve wracking is
Speaker 1: it to watch Joe Biden deliver a speech or answer
Speaker 1: a simple question?
Speaker 4: I love Joe, I love him too.
Speaker 5: It is not as nerve wracking as standing with his
Speaker 5: teleprompter speaking and watching.
Speaker 4: Because we would always you know, we did a lot.
Speaker 5: Of events together and so like his sweet trater and
Speaker 5: I would always be like together at the teleprompter, and
Speaker 5: I would just be like because they have to.
Speaker 4: Go like, oh god, he's jumping me for hard, and like,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 1: Here's reading. A teleprompter is a skill. Oh yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a real skill and it takes practice. I did a
Speaker 1: show for thirteen years off a prompter. And what's also
Speaker 1: a real skill is the teleprompt operator. And you need
Speaker 1: to have a magical connection with that person that knows
Speaker 1: when you're off book. They they know, oh, well you
Speaker 1: basically hit this note. Let's get you to the next spot. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I could you can always tell when it's like
Speaker 1: that relationships garbage right there there are. I mean that's
Speaker 1: why I mean, say what you want about Trump, and
Speaker 1: I hope it's bad stuff. But the fact that is
Speaker 1: anyone writing for him, I mean.
Speaker 5: He had speechwriters, or he has speechwriters, but does he
Speaker 5: use it.
Speaker 4: I imagine their sense sort of like giving him like cues.
Speaker 1: The nonsense to read what his teleprompter would say. I
Speaker 1: would just be fascinated.
Speaker 4: I would love I would love to.
Speaker 5: Did you see at one of the Republican rallies they
Speaker 5: had the teleprompter up I think it was Kerry Lake
Speaker 5: and they were like, get off stage. Trump is waiting,
Speaker 5: and I was like, oh, that's what we need, like
Speaker 5: for the you know, the pre show people who are like,
Speaker 5: it's my turn to talk.
Speaker 1: I hate I hate everything that the Democratic Party does
Speaker 1: right now? Great, just they're just shambles. How dare you?
Speaker 1: All of you guys.
Speaker 4: I take full responsibility, that's me.
Speaker 1: But that's what happens.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I say this right now because I'm on the heels
Speaker 1: of four years. And then at the end of four years,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be.
Speaker 4: All Yeah, I'm gonna be all in.
Speaker 1: I just got a text. They hear me. I just
Speaker 1: got a text from so and so who's who worked
Speaker 1: under so and so, and they said this. We're good,
Speaker 1: We're good.
Speaker 4: We're gonna crush it. Don't worry.
Speaker 1: Well, I should just go back. I gotta start screen
Speaker 1: grabbing all the bullshit that I heard.
Speaker 5: But that's the thing everyone gets to be. Everyone just
Speaker 5: gets to look back and be like I knew the
Speaker 5: whole time, like no one knows.
Speaker 1: No one knows, and it's always going to be close.
Speaker 4: It's always going to be close.
Speaker 1: So weird that we're like that that, Like this country
Speaker 1: has fifty percent of people that think this way, and
Speaker 1: fifty percent think that it just seems like it might
Speaker 1: not be real. Maybe I'm gonna start dealing with believing
Speaker 1: what's his name?
Speaker 2: What's his name?
Speaker 1: That dumb football player? What Aaron Rodgers? Wait?
Speaker 4: What does he say?
Speaker 1: No, he's a conspiracy nut.
Speaker 4: Oh, don't do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not a conspiracy nut. You know why? Because
Speaker 1: I don't believe people can actually keep secrets.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, can I can from that? Having worked
Speaker 5: in the government, so many people are like, this is
Speaker 5: a government consperiency I'm like kids, it's not We're not
Speaker 5: that competent.
Speaker 4: It's just the dummies that you know, doing their best.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 5: The idea that we could cover up anything is laughable.
Speaker 4: I'm just not There's just too many people.
Speaker 5: Yes, like, think about how many leaks come out of everything, the.
Speaker 1: Moving parts alone? Yeah, no, it's what that makes me
Speaker 1: feel good?
Speaker 4: Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1: Is politics mostly theater.
Speaker 5: Some theater policy is not theater. Policy is important and hard,
Speaker 5: but no one cares about it, so we have to
Speaker 5: present it to the world.
Speaker 1: Do you want to run for office one day?
Speaker 2: Never?
Speaker 1: What do you do to relax? Mmmm?
Speaker 4: I bake. I bake cakes and I bike.
Speaker 1: What kind of cakes are you doing? Are you doing?
Speaker 1: Like like the crazy? I don't know that it's a
Speaker 1: cake cake?
Speaker 5: No, I'm not that good, Okay, I'm just it's like
Speaker 5: a nice I actually started after Trump won the first
Speaker 5: time because I was like working, I was writing speeches
Speaker 5: in my basement alone, and it's very sad and lonely.
Speaker 1: Because you were doing what Trump wanted, you would turn
Speaker 1: it into.
Speaker 4: The woman exactly, a sad carpie.
Speaker 1: Learn how to bake? I got it exactly.
Speaker 4: I was like, how do I become more feminine. But
Speaker 4: it's just it's very meditative.
Speaker 5: You like, you know, you like sift the flower and
Speaker 5: I like make myself a cocktail and listen to an
Speaker 5: audio book.
Speaker 1: Do you like I hate sifting flower?
Speaker 4: I like it.
Speaker 5: It's very like, I don't know, do you have avative?
Speaker 5: It's just like, oh no, I don't like that one.
Speaker 5: It hurts your hand. No, you got to do the bowl?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, that's great. And then I make elaborate my
Speaker 4: children because I have twins. I have every year I get.
Speaker 5: I tell them they get to each pick a theme
Speaker 5: like a cake choice, and then I put them together.
Speaker 4: And so like one year we.
Speaker 1: Had like you like the mom that has two kids
Speaker 1: to play for different universities and she sews both jerseys together.
Speaker 4: Yeah like that. Yeah?
Speaker 1: Are you cool mom? Do they talk to you normal
Speaker 1: or do they talk to you like mom?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 5: I think we talk a lot, but I'm like mom,
Speaker 5: like I have to lay down the law.
Speaker 4: We have to my husband. I are very like, we're
Speaker 4: not your friend, right.
Speaker 1: Cool mom in my head is just the movie Mean Girls.
Speaker 1: You know she rocks in.
Speaker 4: It's like, yeah, like other moms, I'm cool mom.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's your go to favorite cake.
Speaker 5: Oh, well, there's this really good chocolate cake that I
Speaker 5: put Celtic caramel on. It's really good, it's very rich.
Speaker 5: And then you make homemade Celtic caramel layers.
Speaker 1: Are we talking? Well the cake sheet.
Speaker 5: Now the cake is like three layers. And then if
Speaker 5: you do tears.
Speaker 1: What's the most tears you've ever done?
Speaker 4: I've only done three? Okay, yeah, I did. Like a
Speaker 4: couple of wedding cakes.
Speaker 1: You've done wedding just for friends, right, But there's I
Speaker 1: mean there are still still wedding.
Speaker 5: I made a Superhero Girls cake for the girl's birthday
Speaker 5: one time. I'm in little Chocolate Poison Ivy like a
Speaker 5: wonder Woman.
Speaker 1: That's amazing. Well, I care more about the cakes and
Speaker 1: any speech you've written. Yeah, he too, I did. We
Speaker 1: had a naked cake for you, like that. I did.
Speaker 1: I'm not an icing person.
Speaker 5: Oh I think people say that, But I make really
Speaker 5: good icing. It's not like ice cream, cheese and not
Speaker 5: too sweet. Okay, it's really good.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I like it. Do you mess with cookies and
Speaker 1: other things? Bars, brownies, brown pies.
Speaker 4: I make a lot of pies. Yeah, especially for holidays.
Speaker 1: I need a heavy amount of crumble on top, though
Speaker 1: I need crust all over it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't need some of these fruit pies.
Speaker 4: Some of them are I'm not the biggest fruit pie.
Speaker 5: The only fruit pie I love is it's apple pie
Speaker 5: with salted caramel.
Speaker 4: I really just I really love saltic caramel.
Speaker 1: I say caramel? Or do you say caramel? Ever?
Speaker 4: I say both?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do you ever laugh at the fact that the way
Speaker 1: you were raised and now what sits before me and
Speaker 1: how you raise your daughters?
Speaker 5: No, I was going to ask you that, Actually, do
Speaker 5: you ever feel like if I don't give my children
Speaker 5: like crippling guilt and anxiety, then they won't turn out right?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: No, I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 5: I feel like, don't you have to go through like
Speaker 5: a phase where you're like, am I a bad person
Speaker 5: who will burn in hell?
Speaker 4: I don't know, but I'm not doing that to my kids.
Speaker 5: But there is a part of me that's like, oh,
Speaker 5: is that critical to being a good person?
Speaker 4: Before you?
Speaker 5: Like, do you have to grow out of it in
Speaker 5: order to like recover and then be normal?
Speaker 1: I mean I think maybe they won't. They might not
Speaker 1: have some of the drive. Ye that I had.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I mean, I guess it's similar to like class and
Speaker 5: then having like more resources, and you're like, they're not
Speaker 5: going to know what it's like like fight.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just you know, like Elon Musk,
Speaker 1: you love that guy.
Speaker 4: Oh God, what a guy.
Speaker 1: So it's like people can say things like like, oh,
Speaker 1: what have you done? Like what he's done. Let's say
Speaker 1: he's a million times smarter than I will ever be.
Speaker 1: Let's say his contributions to the world actually have a
Speaker 1: long term effect and it has like blah blahlah blah,
Speaker 1: whatever you want to say. I'll agree to all of
Speaker 1: it without even guess what. All my kids love me.
Speaker 1: That to me is all I cared about.
Speaker 4: I know, I agree.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, my kids love me. Your kids don't
Speaker 1: love you.
Speaker 5: No, No, you'll die alone, surrounded by your money and
Speaker 5: your money.
Speaker 1: Well, that part of it sounds nice. That part of it.
Speaker 4: Every billionaire is a policy feeling.
Speaker 1: When is Mitch McConnell going to die?
Speaker 5: Oh God, do you think he's made a pact with
Speaker 5: the devil to just go forever?
Speaker 1: I have no idea.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 1: All I want is my kids to run up and
Speaker 1: hang from his.
Speaker 4: Neck because you have so much affection for him. Just
Speaker 4: want them.
Speaker 1: I just want them to see how far they can.
Speaker 1: I want them to take it because when they wrestled
Speaker 1: me sometimes they fish hook me and move my face
Speaker 1: around and they think it's worry.
Speaker 4: That that's going to be you hooking.
Speaker 1: I don't worry at all. I just want them to
Speaker 1: I want Mitch mcconald to take that one them just
Speaker 1: grab it and hold it over his head and just ah,
Speaker 1: like scare kids. Oh my goodness, forget politics. Who's the
Speaker 1: most genuine person you've met in DC?
Speaker 4: Well? Like human, Like I have friends, you don't know them?
Speaker 1: Are they good people?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 5: Yeah, No, DC is full of good people. I I
Speaker 5: so the way that people shit on LA.
Speaker 4: I feel that.
Speaker 5: People shit on DC in the same way like most
Speaker 5: people come to DC because they love America and they
Speaker 5: love and there are of course people who are just
Speaker 5: like assholes who want to make money and like have power.
Speaker 4: But most people like the hour suck.
Speaker 5: The pay is shitty, like pay on the Hill is terrible,
Speaker 5: pay at the White House is horrible.
Speaker 4: Administration's okay, but like it's it sucks. It's a shitty job.
Speaker 5: And then you just get shipped on all the time,
Speaker 5: like every time something happens, everyone's like these asshole when
Speaker 5: we're here, like we are, we are disappointing all the time,
Speaker 5: but most people are trying their best, Like lots of
Speaker 5: people are are good people who just want to make
Speaker 5: the world better.
Speaker 1: It's a great city. Yeah, I've always loved it too.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's great.
Speaker 5: It's got like nature, We've got beautiful like monuments and museums.
Speaker 4: They're all free. I'm so spoiled.
Speaker 5: I can't take my children anywhere now because any museum
Speaker 5: that wants to charge us.
Speaker 4: I'm like, this is outrageous.
Speaker 1: When I was younger, in my twenties and I would
Speaker 1: be walking around DC and I was like, this is
Speaker 1: the greatest thing in the world. But I always said,
Speaker 1: what am I going to do when I'm seventy because
Speaker 1: that's all I see when I'm walking around. Really, DC
Speaker 1: is just other seventy year olds enjoying everything, And I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm like, just I'm in their little group. No, it's
Speaker 1: in the museum, I know, but not not doing the
Speaker 1: touristy stuff that I was doing it twenty now.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1: Everybody everybody gets a gift from the show. This is
Speaker 1: all my Kamala gear.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, thank you. I love it.
Speaker 1: Yep. And this this my son yeh share day is
Speaker 1: Kamala dal because he was so excited for the first
Speaker 1: female president and that was a huge failure. So okay,
Speaker 1: he doesn't need that ever again.
Speaker 4: Thank you. Oh but oh you know.
Speaker 1: You think she's gonna one again. Keep it?
Speaker 2: Maybe don't keep it.
Speaker 4: Your son needs.
Speaker 1: No female model.
Speaker 5: And we just because she didn't win, she's still the
Speaker 5: first woman vice president.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so significant, what's throw that on the floor. We
Speaker 1: don't want all that on the floor. I don't all
Speaker 1: do you what size? What size feet do your daughters have?
Speaker 4: What? Why?
Speaker 1: I'm just curious.
Speaker 4: I don't know five five?
Speaker 1: I think my wife is tiny feet.
Speaker 5: Oh god, I have a friend who has a size
Speaker 5: five foot and and but she has shoes.
Speaker 1: She's too old, uh to wear some of her cool shoes.
Speaker 1: So I'm giving your daughters some shoes.
Speaker 4: Oh, they're actually gonna love those.
Speaker 1: Okay, these are gold Goose, but your wife those know
Speaker 1: that she had them along. Those are probably a thousand dollars.
Speaker 4: No way, Yes, Wow, they're gonna love them. Definitely hold
Speaker 4: on because.
Speaker 1: She shouldn't have those anymore. Like you're you're too old lady.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: By the way, some of the stuff has never been worn.
Speaker 1: Those just look aged. That's what they're there. Then I
Speaker 1: got these. One of your daughters can have these two?
Speaker 4: Okay, I need one for both of them. Wow that.
Speaker 5: They've been telling me that I need to buy them
Speaker 5: ugs and I just refuse.
Speaker 1: So now now you got you bring those. Look they're
Speaker 1: still a sticker.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 4: These are like house ugs.
Speaker 1: I think. Can I tell you why she had those?
Speaker 1: It was I think for a baby shower that she
Speaker 1: was like, oh they had silly pink something and and
Speaker 1: she didn't wear them.
Speaker 5: She didn't wear them. No, No, their house ugs to
Speaker 5: wear around yours.
Speaker 1: Right, But it was like a baby shower. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what. Please. Do you ever put on the old
Speaker 1: Princess Altfred for the girls?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 4: But I did, No, I sold them. I sold all
Speaker 4: my partners.
Speaker 1: Do you do the magic? No?
Speaker 5: But the other Like a month ago, my husband ran
Speaker 5: a race and it was like a small race and
Speaker 5: they had a balloon.
Speaker 1: Person you write speeches for it.
Speaker 5: And he lost him actually he won, he won the
Speaker 5: race and they they were doing balloon and I was.
Speaker 4: My daughter came up to me and she was like,
Speaker 4: do you see this dog? It's awful. And I was like, okay, hold.
Speaker 5: On, and I went over and I made her. I
Speaker 5: was like, can I can I borrow this? And I
Speaker 5: made her a dog and then the children just lined
Speaker 5: up and for an hour, I just started making balloon
Speaker 5: animals for kids. And my husband came over and was like,
Speaker 5: I won this race and they gave me a medal,
Speaker 5: and you were over here being balloon animals and I
Speaker 5: was like, sorry.
Speaker 1: Oh, I have one more thing.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, I get so many presidents.
Speaker 1: No, this isn't good.
Speaker 5: This is great because I always have to bring things
Speaker 5: home for my kids and I always forget.
Speaker 1: This is actually just for me. Okay, it's a card
Speaker 1: for my wife that I want you to write uh
Speaker 1: inside for me.
Speaker 4: Oh, I get paid a lot of money to do that.
Speaker 1: No, no, I know. That's why this is a gift. That's
Speaker 1: why it's a gift. Okay, you just have to I
Speaker 1: just need you to pen something.
Speaker 4: By the way, this is my gift to you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. By the way, isn't that a good card?
Speaker 4: That's it's pretty I would that's so cute. I would
Speaker 4: put this in a child's bedroom.
Speaker 1: Oh, well, we've got enough things curated on our shelves
Speaker 1: and our children's bedrooms. I'll let you work on that later.
Speaker 1: You just we'll do that later. Okay, that's fine.
Speaker 4: I can't come up with something on the spot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what, I'll just have you mail it
Speaker 1: to her.
Speaker 4: Okay, great, can you give me the address?
Speaker 1: I will. Okay, you think I'm joking.
Speaker 4: Dear wife, Yes, you are the love of my life.
Speaker 1: Well listen, you can freestyle if you want to, but
Speaker 1: I I and nothing's off limits because normally would I.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're there's no way you saw this?
Speaker 1: Who died? Who was great? The duck? A flack?
Speaker 5: What?
Speaker 1: Gilbert Godfrey? Oh, Gilbert Gilbert Godfrey, just rest in peace.
Speaker 1: The sweetest man. There's a documentary about him. And he
Speaker 1: was like a weird hoarder of like free stuff from hotels.
Speaker 1: But every his wife pulled out all the cards that
Speaker 1: he'd ever like written her, and all of them just
Speaker 1: say fuck you, like like.
Speaker 4: Oh, I thought it was gonna be so sweet.
Speaker 1: Every one of them, every one of them is like
Speaker 1: fucking shut up, like not even like it's your it's
Speaker 1: your birthday, go fuck yourself, Like, oh, it tickled me.
Speaker 1: She just had so many of them. Yes, okay, kids,
Speaker 1: you know it's just the sweetest thing in the world.
Speaker 1: I brought a tear to my eye when I watched it.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, my goodness, so good, so good
Speaker 1: to write like that. Amber. Yes, thank you for being
Speaker 1: on the show.
Speaker 4: Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: I really hope you turn this whole thing around.
Speaker 4: You got I plan to, I plan to.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I've got a I've got a four point plan
Speaker 5: to fix America. You don't need to fix America, Okay,
Speaker 5: just the Democratic Party.
Speaker 1: Yah, that would be that'd be nice. But also what
Speaker 1: you should do right now is just for the next
Speaker 1: four years. Let's let's just take care of the daughters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then then pop your head back up.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's my plan. Yeah, go to the park, you know,
Speaker 4: bake some cakes.
Speaker 1: By the way, the cakes. I didn't talk enough about that.
Speaker 4: You didn't call me for taro either. I was promised.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, is that really something you believe in
Speaker 1: or is it just something Yeah?
Speaker 4: Well, yes, yes, I love it deeply, But it's not.
Speaker 1: Like it's not like reading or do you do reading?
Speaker 4: I give readings.
Speaker 5: Yeah, actually no, I think I could convince you that
Speaker 5: it's not dumb, because do you want.
Speaker 1: Me to convince me? Yeah, I'm dying for this, Okay.
Speaker 5: Tarot cards are like universal like young and symbols, you know,
Speaker 5: Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey.
Speaker 4: Yes, so that is sort of that do you.
Speaker 1: Not you do?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: It was more.
Speaker 5: So those those symbols are like universal symbols that we
Speaker 5: project our subconscious onto. Basically, we are laying out cards
Speaker 5: and then we tell story and that's just like storytelling.
Speaker 5: So it's not like magic. It doesn't have to be magic,
Speaker 5: like I'm not telling the future.
Speaker 1: It's therapy for witches exactly.
Speaker 4: It's therapy for witches. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1: I don't believe in therapy. So I've got a lot
Speaker 1: of problems. Well, I'm I don't want to work through
Speaker 1: my problems.
Speaker 5: By talking about Oh sorry, I don't want to work
Speaker 5: through your problems, got it.
Speaker 4: I'd prefer to suppress nothing is wrong.
Speaker 1: Ever, No, everything's wrong. I'm aware.
Speaker 5: Sorry, If you're just accepting, Yeah, that's very Buddhist of you,
Speaker 5: isn't it?
Speaker 4: Look at that you're enlightened.
Speaker 1: Found I finally found my religion. All right, thank you
Speaker 1: for fixing the world. Amber.
Speaker 4: Okay, you welcome, Thank you.
Speaker 1: I don't have a sign off.
Speaker 4: Oh no, work on it. Do you want me to
Speaker 4: write you one?
Speaker 1: Write me a sign off that I can do my
Speaker 1: all right, we'll pay for it, guys. Do we having
Speaker 1: the budget?
Speaker 4: Hire me? Please?
Speaker 3: Casha?
Speaker 1: Hey, thank you Amber. Enjoy the inauguration. You guys can't
Speaker 1: believe it. But I somehow shave for the interview and
Speaker 1: then grow back the scruff for the sendoff. That's wild stuff.
Speaker 1: How you doing, Carl? You get groom tomorrow. There are
Speaker 1: some knots in you. I can tell anyway. Hey, guys,
Speaker 1: you know our free plug Segmentah, it's having an effect
Speaker 1: on me. We've plugged bowling two times and I haven't
Speaker 1: bowled in ten years, and I found myself recently bowling.
Speaker 1: Look at you, buddy, and it really opened my eyes
Speaker 1: to how out of touch I've become. And I'm gonna
Speaker 1: share it with you now. Granted, this is in uh Tahoe,
Speaker 1: is an inclined village, and it's a Hawaiian chef opened
Speaker 1: up a bowling alley up there and they've got nice food. Now,
Speaker 1: you would never associate bowling with good food. As far
Speaker 1: as I'm concerned. They're even their thing. They're a little
Speaker 1: line on their uh I don't know if it's their
Speaker 1: promos it. She says, come for the food, stay for
Speaker 1: the bowling. Now, the whole thing is booked up constantly.
Speaker 1: My wife's like, we gotta go. It's it's new, and
Speaker 1: it's it's doing well. So we go there. We got
Speaker 1: a large group, way too many kids, you know, and uh,
Speaker 1: I order poky. You know, Let's let's see what the
Speaker 1: stomach can handle. The guys like, do you want the
Speaker 1: poky spicy? I'm like, absolutely spicy, poky. I'm in a
Speaker 1: bowling alley, of course I want. I want uncooked fish
Speaker 1: as spicy as possible. Yeah, and I got and they
Speaker 1: got chopsticks on the ready, by the way, delicious. My
Speaker 1: stomach handled it fine, no problem. Now let's talk about
Speaker 1: the bowling. They're like, you can have six people per lane.
Speaker 1: We had eleven, that's already. I'm just like. My wife's like, wow,
Speaker 1: the kids don't really count. And the lady's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: they count, but you can't have eleven people. I like
Speaker 1: we'll stand and just hover and she's like, whatever it says,
Speaker 1: she lets us bowl. We get into teams. So not
Speaker 1: everybody's just you're not bowling all ten frames. So my
Speaker 1: son is just furious that he's bowling once every eight minutes.
Speaker 1: I threw five frames. You ready for this, Eddie, Yep,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be proud of me. First roll strike, second
Speaker 1: roll strike, third roll spare okay, then double gutter, double gutter.
Speaker 1: Don't know how that happened. And then they had me
Speaker 1: do the tenth frame so that we could come back
Speaker 1: and win. You know, think I'd pick off three strikes
Speaker 1: in a row and I got a nine? What pound ball?
Speaker 1: Do you think I was using thirteen? Twelve? Should have
Speaker 1: I used to thirteen?
Speaker 2: Maybe might have kept you out of the gutter?
Speaker 1: Ah, I was using a twelve?
Speaker 2: I mean later in the oil patterns are so different.
Speaker 1: Later Oh okay, I don't there was no oil pattern.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that means. Here's Eddie, what I
Speaker 1: want you to guess for real? I just just and
Speaker 1: not not for where I was, but just this is
Speaker 1: just to show you how in touch I am, because
Speaker 1: I thought this is ridiculous. What do you think bowling
Speaker 1: for one hour, one lane, one hour? What is what
Speaker 1: does that cost? I thought it should be like two
Speaker 1: dollars and fifty cents.
Speaker 2: I was gonna say forty.
Speaker 1: You said forty.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm gonna think forty.
Speaker 1: It was fifty. All right. Okay, so you're not out
Speaker 1: of touch. But isn't that number huge?
Speaker 2: Well would seem so. But you have eleven people there.
Speaker 1: Well, we're not supposed to have eleven people. If I
Speaker 1: would have had one, it would have been fifty dollars.
Speaker 2: It's way better though that you get bolmore.
Speaker 1: That's better My takeaway. Still, I don't get bullying at all.
Speaker 1: All right, let's talk gambling for a split second. That
Speaker 1: had a bad season betting on football. It's always easy
Speaker 1: for people to mock people's picks from the sidelines. But
Speaker 1: now I'm giving you an opportunity. Put in the comments
Speaker 1: section your lock of the week, any bet that you
Speaker 1: think I should make, I will put all my money
Speaker 1: on it. I'll do it starting next week. Okay, check
Speaker 1: out a tossshowstore dot com. Get some merch. We got
Speaker 1: some new stuff coming out, some new headway. I think
Speaker 1: Eddie's tour he's gonna be in Key West, Minnieapolis, Saint
Speaker 1: Louis my tour. We're gonna be in New York and
Speaker 1: New Jersey in April and then I'm gonna do the
Speaker 1: Midwest in June. Also, might head out to Lisbon for
Speaker 1: a quick pop up. If you're in Lisbon, you might
Speaker 1: want to come check out my show the Free Plugs. Okay,
Speaker 1: we got a new free plug music this year. WHOA,
Speaker 1: that is sexy. I didn't know free plug music. It
Speaker 1: sounds sexy. What's good? Because this free plug is for
Speaker 1: the ladies Whitefish Montana. If you were a woman, if
Speaker 1: you identify as a woman and you are intimidated by
Speaker 1: the terrain park at the ski resort, come on down
Speaker 1: for Lady Power Park Hour on January eighteenth, from ten
Speaker 1: am to four pm. It's Lady Power Park Hour and
Speaker 1: it's from ten am to four pm. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Is it one hour or is it all day? Well?
Speaker 1: Whatever they need to rename it. It's ladies only, non competitive,
Speaker 1: introductory level slope style event at Whitefish Mountain Resort, open
Speaker 1: to all skill levels, from first timers to those with
Speaker 1: years of experience. Our goals is to build confidence and
Speaker 1: a community for ladies in the terrain park. Do see
Speaker 1: on ski resorts they have, You know, a couple runs,
Speaker 1: a little small portion of the run will be the
Speaker 1: park where they got the ramps, the rails, the boxes,
Speaker 1: and a lot of times it's intimidating because you know,
Speaker 1: the cool guys just hang out there and just kind
Speaker 1: of keep walking back and forth and hitting those jumps
Speaker 1: really hard, and you want to go over it because
Speaker 1: it's fun to go over a box. You just go
Speaker 1: slow over on your snowboard. You feel like you did
Speaker 1: something well. This is to build confidence for the ladies
Speaker 1: in there, all right. The event will be run by
Speaker 1: women in an effort to make it a comfortable and
Speaker 1: supportive environment and will be more fun and hype than competitive. Alright, jeez, oh,
Speaker 1: there's gonna be prizes. I didn't know that. Prizes will
Speaker 1: be awarded including best trick, biggest air, best wipeout, best
Speaker 1: costume attempts, and most improved. I feel like they missed
Speaker 1: a few categories most attractive. Huh. If you're gonna make
Speaker 1: it ladies only, let's make it a beauty contest. Prizes
Speaker 1: are all donated by women owned, run, or funded companies.
Speaker 1: But what if, what if there's like a what if
Speaker 1: I wanted to donate a prize, I'm not allowed to
Speaker 1: because because I was, I was cursed with this hideous penis.
Speaker 1: That's a shame. If they reach a certain level of participation,
Speaker 1: they will divide participants into separate categories. This is ridiculous,
Speaker 1: all right. That's the Lady Power Park Hour, which as
Speaker 1: we have learned, is six hours long. That's a good
Speaker 1: free plug. Nobody get hurt out there. It's not it's
Speaker 1: not worth the prize going off a jump two fat
Speaker 1: You know what. I always thought they should invent with
Speaker 1: the for the big jumps, you know how like when
Speaker 1: you're driving down a road and they have those new
Speaker 1: speed limit signs and it'll show your speed or say
Speaker 1: slow down or too fast. I think they need those
Speaker 1: right in front of those jumps, those big jumps, like
Speaker 1: you need to be going twenty one miles an hour
Speaker 1: when you hit this and you'll land safely on the downslope.
Speaker 1: I like it. And it should say like if you're
Speaker 1: going too fast, like slow down so that you don't
Speaker 1: overshoot the landing, because that's where you really get hurt.
Speaker 1: You overshoot the landing or short the landing. That's where trouble.
Speaker 1: So we need these little signs that tell you how
Speaker 1: fast you're going and if you need to speed up
Speaker 1: or slow down. Yeah, that one's free. See you next week.