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Speaker 1: Hi everyone, It's Sophia. Welcome to work in progress. Friends.

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Speaker 1: I could not let Tan go without actually playing an

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Speaker 1: honorable gaze round with him. I because, as I mentioned

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Speaker 1: last time, I love nothing more than these Reddit threads.

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Speaker 1: There are people who post them on certain social accounts

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Speaker 1: that my friends and I follow, and it's kind of

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Speaker 1: like the break we take in the middle of a

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Speaker 1: workday is to go have you seen this one?

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Speaker 2: So?

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Speaker 1: I feel like you sort of made this show for me.

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Speaker 1: Thank you very much. I love as well that people

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Speaker 1: are getting to see not only your personality but some

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Speaker 1: inside queer culture on YouTube thanks to this show. So

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Speaker 1: for friends who are joining us newly today, the whole

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Speaker 1: way this works if you've seen them are There are

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Speaker 1: a series of threads on Reddit called am I the Asshole?

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Speaker 1: Where somebody explains a problem they're trying to figure out

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Speaker 1: what's going on. You're required, if you're going to do

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Speaker 1: this in a reading, to be a little sassy and

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Speaker 1: a little judge obviously and good fun. Does that part

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Speaker 1: come naturally to you after all these years on reality TV?

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Speaker 2: Absolutely? Easy? Easy?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 1: Bad? Well, I'd like to see if I'm cut out

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Speaker 1: to be your honorable.

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Speaker 3: Well we're calling anyone who joins honorary gay, even if.

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Speaker 2: That's you're gay.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well an honorary Yeah. I can take the place

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Speaker 1: of a gay man on this episode, I suppose. So

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Speaker 1: I'm into it. Okay, I'm going to read you a

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Speaker 1: situation and we'll see this one.

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Speaker 3: I'm really I do this my girlfriends.

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Speaker 2: It's my favorite thing.

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Speaker 1: It's so fun, and this one actually feels really pressing,

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Speaker 1: especially given the queer eye of it all. Am I

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Speaker 1: the asshole for asking my friend not to wear makeup

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Speaker 1: to my wedding? I recently asked my close friend Devin

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Speaker 1: to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. We've been friends

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Speaker 1: since high school and I was very excited to have

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Speaker 1: her by my side. I put together baskets for my

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Speaker 1: bridesmaids that included a printed list of the dress code

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Speaker 1: for the wedding.

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Speaker 2: I was already smelled trouble going.

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Speaker 1: I know, I'm so anxious, I'm sweating. The list included

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Speaker 1: that I wanted them all to wear a green dress

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Speaker 1: in any style or shade, silver heels okay, and light

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Speaker 1: natural makeup. I do plan on having a makeup artist

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Speaker 1: there day of to do the girls makeup for context.

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Speaker 1: Devin typically dressed dresses in a very traditional Goth style

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Speaker 1: with white light bass, heavy black eyelin. I love her

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Speaker 1: style and I think she looks absolutely beautiful in it. However,

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Speaker 1: that's not the look I'm going for at my wedding.

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Speaker 1: She texted me a few hours after I gave her

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Speaker 1: the basket, saying, so I'm not allowed to wear my

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Speaker 1: makeup to the wedding. I explained to her that if

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Speaker 1: she wanted to be a bridesmaid, she'd have to adhere

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Speaker 1: to my dress code, but she was welcome to just

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Speaker 1: come as a guest and dress in her normal style.

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Speaker 1: She responded basically saying, if you don't want me to

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Speaker 1: be myself, I don't need to be there at all.

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Speaker 1: I told her I wasn't trying to change who she is.

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Speaker 1: I just want her to match the rest of the

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Speaker 1: bridesmaids for one day. She got upset and said, I

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Speaker 1: care more about a photo than my friend's comfort. I

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Speaker 1: feel like I was being really reasonable and even offered

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Speaker 1: a compromise, but I also don't want to lose a

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Speaker 1: friend over something this small. Am I the asshole? O?

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Speaker 2: God?

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Speaker 3: I love this fun? Oh my god, I love wedding once. Okay,

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Speaker 3: we'll see this. Oh on, Honorable Gays are first?

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Speaker 2: Oh am I wrong?

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Speaker 3: The first episodes of wedding episodes. I wanted to do

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Speaker 3: a full season of wedding because.

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Speaker 2: I love a wedding story. Yes, I've got.

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Speaker 3: My own wedding story of one day. I want to

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Speaker 3: share it. It was when I was a private part

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Speaker 3: of the bridal party. Oh my gosh, it's so good,

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Speaker 3: but I'm too scared to tell it because this person is.

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Speaker 2: Going to know.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Oh, we have to figure out a way to

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Speaker 1: tell that story.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 3: Actually, weirdly enough, that's how this whole show came to

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Speaker 3: be because of my experience.

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Speaker 1: Sup. Yes, Oh my god, we have so much to

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Speaker 1: talk about when the world is not listening.

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Speaker 3: Okay, Okay continue, Okay, wait, you read the story, so

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Speaker 3: it's so if whoever reads the story, they can't go first.

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Speaker 3: But I really want your take first. However, Okay, here's

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Speaker 3: how Honorable Gaze goes. We discuss it, and then we

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Speaker 3: come to a decision. But because of who I am

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Speaker 3: and how I am wired, I always have my opinion

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Speaker 3: A lot to load it and I refuse.

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Speaker 1: Because I'm so you refuse to change.

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Speaker 3: However, you could potentially convince me. So okay, I could

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Speaker 3: play the role of Eric and Rob today and give

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Speaker 3: my arguments I'm going to give against or born again. Sorry, okay,

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Speaker 3: you can make you could be the judge can First off,

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Speaker 3: I do appreciate that she gave a loose list of Okay,

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Speaker 3: it's just gonna be green. Does have to be a

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Speaker 3: certain particular green. It can be what the kind of

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Speaker 3: dress just has to be a green that is somewhat

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Speaker 3: considerate because we've heard some stories on honorall gays where

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Speaker 3: they are nowhere near as kind. So that's a good start.

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Speaker 3: Like makeup, I kind of get like you want your

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Speaker 3: pictures to be esthetically pleasing or your way you are

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Speaker 3: going to person on social so I know that you

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Speaker 3: wanted to have a certain vibe. I get it. So

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Speaker 3: that's the nice side of me. The real side of

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Speaker 3: me is I also kind of feel for the bridesmaid

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Speaker 3: thinking I'm already gonna wear the dresses. It seems that

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Speaker 3: the dress isn't the issue, so she'll wear the dress

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Speaker 3: or weather silver shoes. She may compromise when it comes

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Speaker 3: to makeup, and there are certain things that feels so

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Speaker 3: you to ready lay this argument down. I'm imagining if

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Speaker 3: her makeup is like my hair, if somebody wanted me

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Speaker 3: to dye my hair because I was the only person

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Speaker 3: that didn't have black hair at South Asian wedding. I'm

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Speaker 3: the only one that didn't have black hair, so I

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Speaker 3: was going to ruin the photos, I think, but this

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Speaker 3: is it's me, like, it's how I feel most people

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Speaker 3: in the world, and I don't want to pretend to

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Speaker 3: be somebody else that day. I don't want to costume

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Speaker 3: that day because you're my friend and I love you,

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Speaker 3: and this is all you've always known me is this,

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Speaker 3: And so I think it's really harsh to say to

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Speaker 3: your friend, Hey, bitch, I'm happy with how you are

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Speaker 3: every other day of your life, but today I want

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Speaker 3: you to be a different person to make me happy.

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Speaker 3: Just let us see, like a dig move a little bit,

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Speaker 3: and so.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I guess I've come up with my argument.

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Speaker 3: Okay, my clothes and stavement is this some light suggestions

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Speaker 3: for your bridesmaids is appropriate, But when it comes to

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Speaker 3: something that truly represents who they are and what will

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Speaker 3: make them comfortable, I think you have to have some

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Speaker 3: wiggle room, and I think it is. It's way harsh.

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Speaker 3: Do you know the term way hash tie? That's the

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Speaker 3: way hash tie. You can't make your goth emo friend

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Speaker 3: be a dainty queen just because it's your wedding. She's

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Speaker 3: your friend if you love her, respect to let her

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Speaker 3: wear the makeup that makes her feel most comfortable.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, do you think I'm wrong?

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Speaker 1: It's this one is so hard.

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Speaker 2: It's so hard.

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Speaker 1: Because I get listen, if one day in your life

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Speaker 1: gets to be about you, it's supposed to be your wedding. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I understand that. Look, here's what's hard for me.

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Speaker 1: I don't have a visual you know, are we talking

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Speaker 1: Gene Simmons from Kiss Like?

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Speaker 3: If we're talking like visual to be.

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Speaker 1: Like if it's full hardcore goth black lipstick, like the

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Speaker 1: whole whatever, you know, all the all the things. I

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Speaker 1: understand that that wouldn't exactly fit the vibe. What I

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Speaker 1: will actually say is, now, having read this twice because

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Speaker 1: I read it before we got on zoom and then

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Speaker 1: I'm rereading it. The issue I have with this is

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Speaker 1: the lack of an upfront conversation like this. The bride

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Speaker 1: passed out baskets to all the women like they were

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Speaker 1: going to be taken in the same way. When the

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Speaker 1: makeup thing was she knew would be personal for this

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Speaker 1: friend of so long, and then the friend text it

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, you gotta have the kindness to say, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm prepping this thing. I'm going to give everyone their

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Speaker 1: baskets tomorrow, invite her out for a drink, go over

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Speaker 1: for a snack at the house, and just say, I

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Speaker 1: don't want this to come off terribly. And you know,

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Speaker 1: I think you're like magnificent and hot and I love

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Speaker 1: this vibe for you, and I love your whole look

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Speaker 1: and I love your I don't know whatever piercing's, combat boots,

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Speaker 1: whatever it is, would you be comfortable at my wedding

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Speaker 1: like matching all the other bridesmaids a little more. I

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Speaker 1: just want everything to feel super seamless. And that might

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Speaker 1: seem silly, It's just what I'm envisioning for my day,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I

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Speaker 1: bet if this woman had been proactive about this conversation,

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Speaker 1: it would have gone a completely different I agree.

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Speaker 3: I agree, I agree. I also wonder if not just

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Speaker 3: having the conversation making it very clear that.

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Speaker 2: Okay, maybe this.

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Speaker 3: Is a silly suggestion, but if it was one of

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Speaker 3: my close, close friends, I would say, if it is

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Speaker 3: an issue for you, I completely understop. If you don't

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Speaker 3: want and then no big deal and I won't be

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Speaker 3: offended whatsoever. I love you. And if this just isn't

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Speaker 3: few and if it's going to make you feel like good,

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Speaker 3: well I understand if you don't want to be someone

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Speaker 3: giving you the option. I would love for you to

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Speaker 3: be my bridesmaid, but I would like my wedding to

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Speaker 3: go like this. So if you were okay with that,

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Speaker 3: I want you desperately to be my bridesmaid. But if

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Speaker 3: you don't want to, it's okay and I won't be offended.

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Speaker 3: But I would look for you to be there. Yeah

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Speaker 3: you're there with me?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: So yeah, that would be mine. So is the opn asshole?

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Speaker 3: Is what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: I don't think she meant to be.

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Speaker 3: What we call it on the show is a soft asshole.

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Speaker 1: It's a soft.

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Speaker 3: Because I don't Here's the thing. Weddings make people go crazy.

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Speaker 3: I did you say, did you are you married.

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Speaker 2: To your part? Right now? Together?

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Speaker 1: We're together?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Okay?

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Speaker 3: Good at your wedding.

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Speaker 1: Can we refer I had, yes, I had, I had

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Speaker 1: a go at the wedding that pinterest bilt was so beautiful.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, okay, okay, So did you have them all matching?

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Speaker 2: Did you have to have?

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Speaker 3: Now?

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Speaker 2: You do that? Okay?

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Speaker 1: Okay, So that and I had men and my bridal

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Speaker 1: party and like you know, everything was so okay.

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Speaker 3: Here's the thing I'm going to say that's going to

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Speaker 3: hurt so many of you out there who's done this.

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Speaker 3: I think that we put our own feelings before our

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Speaker 3: friends feelings, or our feelings about a vibe and an

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Speaker 3: aesthetic over our friends true emotions. And so if I

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Speaker 3: knew that some of my friends weren't going to match in,

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Speaker 3: I was just thinking, I'm going to care make it easier.

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Speaker 3: I'm just gonna have one person with anybody to be

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Speaker 3: my maid of.

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Speaker 2: Bottle or something or my groomsmith.

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Speaker 3: And therefore I'm going to mitigate hurting my friends. I

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Speaker 3: rather that over the aesthetic.

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Speaker 2: I think we care to watch about the aesthetic now.

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Speaker 1: I yeah, yeah, the aesthetic have taken on such a

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Speaker 1: thing that I just don't think they need to. And

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Speaker 1: I will say I think also sometimes you can get

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Speaker 1: so caught up in that part that it can take

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Speaker 1: the place of what's really important. And I will say

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Speaker 1: I will be vulnerable and say this was my own experience.

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Speaker 1: Looking back, I realize we were so focused on the

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Speaker 1: project that we weren't looking at the fact that, like

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Speaker 1: the thesis was missing, if you will, that's the kindest

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Speaker 1: way I can say that. So it's like, if you're

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Speaker 1: so obsessed with what these photos are going to look like,

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Speaker 1: what might you be missing in the emotion. I think

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Speaker 1: when people are too focused on the details, it's because

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Speaker 1: there's a lack of something really important going on. Not

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Speaker 1: to you know, send this op to therapy, but it

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Speaker 1: might be worth a yestion. Maybe now I'm the asshole.

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Speaker 3: You are so fair. Basically, what I was saying them

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Speaker 3: is aesthetics of the asshole because they've they've ruined our

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Speaker 3: society where we think it's more important to have this

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Speaker 3: esthetically pleasing photo that caring about your friend's feelings.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and by the way, it's not like this is

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Speaker 1: your best friend of five years. This is someone you've

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Speaker 1: been friends with since high school. She always looks like this,

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Speaker 1: you know, if that's really who she is. I think

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Speaker 1: the conversation needs to be more delicate to say, would

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Speaker 1: you be willing to shift the vibe a little?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And if not, truly no worries, like you got you

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Speaker 1: gotta love your people for who they are.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So can I give you a sneak or yeah,

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Speaker 3: I guess it's a snepy or a teaser of one

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Speaker 3: of our stories, one of our stories on audible gas again,

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Speaker 3: because I love wedding stories so much. Is somebody's build

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Speaker 3: one of the bridesmaids build was different to the other bridesmaids.

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Speaker 3: And what she's saying without obviously saying it is one

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Speaker 3: of her brides was larger and taller than the other.

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Speaker 3: I said, therefore she was ruining quotes the photos. And

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Speaker 3: I sat there thinking, I know this story because this

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Speaker 3: has happened at a friend's wedding of mine. Like, so

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Speaker 3: we went to I know that my friend was being

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Speaker 3: invited to be a bridesmaid at somebody's wedding. I didn't know,

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Speaker 3: And I was like, you need to call that a

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Speaker 3: bitch out of your life, Like she doesn't want you

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Speaker 3: in your photos in the photos because you you in

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Speaker 3: your dress, don't lock as smelt as everybody else in

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Speaker 3: their dress. She shows a body can't dress for everyone.

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Speaker 3: Of course, that wasn't gonna be perfect for all of

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Speaker 3: her friends. It's not No one's gonna feel confident in that.

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Speaker 1: That is a hate crime. I know a period that.

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Speaker 3: Person was clearing the asshole in that situation. And so

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Speaker 3: I think my biggest do you know what the asshole is?

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Speaker 3: The asshole of the story is weddings in general.

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Speaker 1: American Instagram.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna call it American general of weddings in general

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Speaker 3: are the asshole because they've been courageous to behave like

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Speaker 3: mean people to our friends and family. And just think

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Speaker 3: what happened to back in the day when that could

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Speaker 3: go to wear what I beat they want to wear.

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Speaker 3: You're gonna have your dating sixteen rides space. You've got

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Speaker 3: just one that with your husband who gives a ship.

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Speaker 3: If you gives a share the body that you think

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Speaker 3: she needs to have on that day, it doesn't happen.

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Speaker 1: And now a word from our sponsors who make this

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Speaker 1: show possible. You know what I think my new litmus test,

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Speaker 1: And maybe this comes from the fact that half of

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Speaker 1: my closest friends all got divorced in the same summer

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Speaker 1: myself included. It was a really interesting reckoning because half

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Speaker 1: of us were going through divorces and then a half

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Speaker 1: of the other half of our friend group was all pregnant,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, what is happening? Like this is

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Speaker 1: a reality show gone sideways. It was funny and tragic

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Speaker 1: and beautiful and all the things. And one of the

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Speaker 1: things when when so many people reflect and you know

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Speaker 1: now that I really have admitted this to myself, now

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Speaker 1: that I really see it, when did I start ignoring

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Speaker 1: the red flags? When did I start compromising myself? When

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Speaker 1: did I tell myself, you know, this was part of it?

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Speaker 1: And I think there really can be something to what

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Speaker 1: you're living up to, this big dream, this thing for

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Speaker 1: your parents, this thing for your whole family. You're you're

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Speaker 1: so caught up in the planning of something that you

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Speaker 1: might not be paying attention to the minutia in your home.

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Speaker 1: And so now my litmus tests for anyone who tells

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Speaker 1: me they want to get married. And to be clear,

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Speaker 1: I love love obviously, or I wouldn't. I wouldn't be here.

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Speaker 1: I go, I'm a sucker for it. But my whole thing,

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Speaker 1: if you tell me you're getting married, I say, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, congratulations. If you tell me you're getting a divorce,

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Speaker 1: I say, oh my god, congratulations to both. I say,

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Speaker 1: is there anything I can do to help? But when

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Speaker 1: people tell me they want to get married, now, my

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Speaker 1: question is if you are going to elope in the

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Speaker 1: backyard with your person and a parent or a friend

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Speaker 1: and just that, would you still want to get married?

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Speaker 1: If no one was going to be there to watch?

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Speaker 1: Would you marry this person? That's the question I ask.

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Speaker 3: Now, that's fair, Okay, I have a version of that

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Speaker 3: which is way meaner.

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Speaker 1: Tell me this is why you're the judge, lay it

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Speaker 1: on us.

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Speaker 3: And this is this is such an insane blanket statement.

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Speaker 3: I know this is not true. It's just my general feeling.

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Speaker 3: The bigger wedding, the bigger the wedding, the more likely

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Speaker 3: that marriage is to fail. For me, I've been to

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Speaker 3: some fancy Perhinds weddings in the last few years, gorgeous,

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Speaker 3: But every time I thought, I think, you focused so

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Speaker 3: much on this gorgeous wedding and they are amazing. Don't

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Speaker 3: get wrong, they've done an amazing event. You should have

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Speaker 3: gone downtown Hall and just arrange be a producer for

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Speaker 3: a living, be a wedding. But if you just want

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Speaker 3: to arrange an incredible wedding, arrange somebody else or something.

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Speaker 3: You don't need a thirty foot trail a train, you

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Speaker 3: don't need ten thousand people.

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Speaker 2: At you wedding.

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Speaker 3: Just if it's about your marriage, make it be about

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Speaker 3: your marriage, not the wedding.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you. Sometimes you embark on a

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Speaker 1: project with someone and then when the wedding's over, you

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Speaker 1: become the project. And that's a big no no.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And also I know this is such a given, but

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Speaker 3: if you are going into so much debt because you've

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Speaker 3: got a massive, massive, incredible wedding, don't get wrong. I

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Speaker 3: know it's a gorgeous wedding and I know it real

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Speaker 3: lights on Instagram. And if YE wants to wear the

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Speaker 3: dress you want, I understand that. But you're doing you're

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Speaker 3: basically your Your wedding is content, it's not your marriage.

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Speaker 3: You should not get into debt for that, because I

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Speaker 3: we tell you the next twenty years ago be rock

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Speaker 3: When you can't afford to pay all that wedding back.

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Speaker 3: You're up to such a rough start when you're with

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Speaker 3: the debt because of that wedding.

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Speaker 1: Alope, and start a small business instead.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely right.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So aesthetics are to blame. Big weddings need to

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Speaker 1: be done.

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Speaker 3: So the assocle is in disorder. Big weddings, aesthetic expectation

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Speaker 3: for social media and soft asshole.

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Speaker 1: We've done it.

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Speaker 3: You've done that. This I've been doing for about five years.

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Speaker 3: That actually also we did it a lot during COVID.

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Speaker 3: Me and my girl friends were does a story, here's

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Speaker 3: a story, or give your opinion?

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Speaker 1: So please invite me to those zooms. That's the hang

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Speaker 1: I want to be on.

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Speaker 3: So funny and it gets I'm in Chris, it gets

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Speaker 3: so ludiprous.

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Speaker 1: Oh I love it. Oh Dan, I'm so happy for you.

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy to see you.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, so so happy.

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Speaker 1: I got to see the baby.

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Speaker 3: Just so you know, So you guys are not going

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Speaker 3: to get.

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Speaker 2: To see the baby.

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Speaker 1: No, but I got to see the baby. Sorry, I

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Speaker 1: don't say that to me, mean to the audience. But

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Speaker 1: I did get to see the baby.

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Speaker 3: See my young guest, who is a gorgeous, gorgeous god

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Speaker 3: o my life love the balance. He just started to

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Speaker 3: say words properly. If it's gorgeous.

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Speaker 1: Oh does wait? Does he have your accent he has a.

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Speaker 3: Bit of so weirdly enough, they both start with my

390
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,960
Speaker 3: accent and then they grow out of my accent. So

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00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,880
Speaker 3: my youngest spoke with such an English accent, and now

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Speaker 3: my current youngest speaks with such an English A sorry,

393
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,400
Speaker 3: such a strong English accent. But then the first word

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Speaker 3: that changes is tomato. And then as soon as a tomato,

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Speaker 3: I know I've lost them.

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Speaker 1: Oh the shift.

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Speaker 2: In tomatoes, man, those tomatoes are ruining.

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Speaker 1: For tomatoes are the asshole.

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Speaker 3: Tomatoes ruined my life. I just want a tomato and

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00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,399
Speaker 3: can't get one at my kids. And then my eldest

401
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:58,720
Speaker 3: will now correct me. He's saying that wrong, Like I

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00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,160
Speaker 3: that is.

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00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,119
Speaker 1: A knife and heart. That is also hate crime. You

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Speaker 1: don't even know what that means for coming so much fun. Thanks,

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00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,760
Speaker 1: I just like to hang out with people.

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Speaker 2: I like. It's very nice, very nice.

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Speaker 3: Whatever your light is, I need that.

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00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 1: Because, oh, I'll send you the whole My whole setup

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00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:24,280
Speaker 1: is very good.

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00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,560
Speaker 2: Oh it's very yeah, that's very It's just.

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00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 1: One light, but it has a like you know when

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Speaker 1: you're on set and they put the silks in front

413
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:35,160
Speaker 1: of the kenos. It has like a mini silk. It's

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Speaker 1: a nice light. We have so much to text about.

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Speaker 3: I know, and I will see you when I'm next

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Speaker 3: to label to have a catchup.

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Speaker 2: I love it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, honey, bye.

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Speaker 3: Bye, my love. Have a good day.