Speaker 1: Henm me my purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 1: Well well, well, so I was, excuse me, sounding like
Speaker 1: Frog or from the Little Rascals. But while I was
Speaker 1: perusing Diane Carroll's Internet I ran across the quote from,
Speaker 1: of course, none other than one of my favorite Internet poet,
Speaker 1: Laureates Young Pueblo, and it says, one of the most
Speaker 1: toxic ideas that grips our minds is perfection. We expect it,
Speaker 1: we crave it, we wish to see it in our
Speaker 1: lives and in our relationships. But reality and the idea
Speaker 1: of perfection are in a constant state of friction. Reality
Speaker 1: is ever changing. It is transformation combined with unpredictability. Perfection
Speaker 1: is the opposite. It is an attempt to control and
Speaker 1: keep things within the boundaries of a certain mental image.
Speaker 1: Reality is a flowing river and perfection is a static painting.
Speaker 2: I say it all the.
Speaker 1: Time that perfection is just an illusion and an attempt
Speaker 1: to control everything, and perfection is so far away from
Speaker 1: God that it's hard to even conceptualize.
Speaker 2: For me.
Speaker 1: Now at forty four, I should say, because if I
Speaker 1: have to constantly remind myself that if I have faith
Speaker 1: and if I believe in God, and I believe that
Speaker 1: God is the master of all things, and I am
Speaker 1: simply here to work the plan. Then one, I will never.
Speaker 2: Be perfect because.
Speaker 1: That's not even in the plan, because being perfect is
Speaker 1: not even real. But the imperfection that that we possess
Speaker 1: is perfect because it's a part of God's perfect plan.
Speaker 1: But the perfection that we seek as humans is totally
Speaker 1: an illusion. It's delulu, as the kids say to it's delulu.
Speaker 1: I can't see the path that Okay, what's up, y'all?
Speaker 1: Welcome to hand me my purse the podcast. I am
Speaker 1: Mimi Walker, and I will be your ever host each
Speaker 1: and every single time you tune into this podcast. So
Speaker 1: go ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself a glass of
Speaker 1: your favorite beverage, whether that is cherry lime, made sparkling water,
Speaker 1: some fresh squeeze lemonade with sugar cane sticks in it.
Speaker 1: I remember that Bahama Brees used to make their lemonade
Speaker 1: like that and put sugar cane sticks in it. I
Speaker 1: don't know if they still do, because I rarely drink
Speaker 1: lemonade or sugary drinks like that anymore. If I'm at
Speaker 1: Bahama Breeze I'm definitely getting a drink. And the drink
Speaker 1: that I'm getting lately is called the Cloud nine. It
Speaker 1: is amazing. If there's a Bahama Breeze in your area,
Speaker 1: if you work at Bahama Breeze, give me a deal
Speaker 1: because I love it. It's my favorite restaurant. I love
Speaker 1: the Cloud nine and it is quite strong and quite delicious.
Speaker 1: It's sweet, though, so if you don't like really sweet things,
Speaker 1: then you won't like it. You can probably get two
Speaker 1: drinks out of that drink. But anyway, or a shot
Speaker 1: of Repisodal tequila with a key lime rim. You know
Speaker 1: what I found out yesterday because you know, I hadn't
Speaker 1: really gotten in the key limes much. Key limes are
Speaker 1: so much sweeter than regular limes. They're delicious. I just
Speaker 1: squeezed the juice like onto my tongue and it was
Speaker 1: so good. But anyway, I digress. Of course, go light
Speaker 1: yourself a candle, some incense or burn some sage and
Speaker 1: just get ready to chill out and have yourself a
Speaker 1: good time, because that's what we're about to do. What's up,
Speaker 1: friends and ken It's MEI Resident Anti Supreme, here at hand,
Speaker 1: me my purse, and today I am sipping on some
Speaker 1: green tea. Actually it's Yogi teas blueberry slim life green
Speaker 1: tea actually, and I also threw in some Astragonda tea.
Speaker 1: And for me all my life, all my adult life,
Speaker 1: I've recognize that green tea is like the elixir of life.
Speaker 1: And Yogi teas while they aren't the most tasty, usually
Speaker 1: for me anyway, because I find they add pepper to everything,
Speaker 1: they add black pepper to and maybe there's a method
Speaker 1: to their madness. They probably know something that we don't
Speaker 1: and it's not just ones with turmeric and them.
Speaker 2: So stop.
Speaker 1: This one is really good and it doesn't have pepper.
Speaker 1: I really like it, and so some benefits, just so
Speaker 1: you know. Benefits for green tea are that it alleviates
Speaker 1: anxiety and stress. It helps to protect against cognitive decline,
Speaker 1: It helps support bone health, It improves longevity. It can
Speaker 1: lower your cholesterol, manhandce your memory, may manage and prevent
Speaker 1: type two diabetes, and it might lower stroke risks risks
Speaker 1: risk doesn't when you say risks or masks, it sounds
Speaker 1: like a rimshot.
Speaker 2: Like but don't sh.
Speaker 1: Anyway, Remember I told you I lost all of my sounds.
Speaker 1: I have some of them back, but I don't know
Speaker 1: which one is which because they aren't labeled in the
Speaker 1: program that I use, so now I have to relabel
Speaker 1: them all, but I have some of them back anyway,
Speaker 1: I digress. Here are some benefits of astragondity. It relieves
Speaker 1: stress and anxiety. It lowers blood sugar and fat. It
Speaker 1: can increase muscle and strength. It can improve sexual function
Speaker 1: in women. It can boost fertility and testosterone levels and men.
Speaker 1: It sharpens focus and memory, and it supports heart health.
Speaker 1: There are some side effects, though common side effects are
Speaker 1: mild and including upset stomach, loose stools, loose stools, nausea,
Speaker 1: and drowsiness. I don't think I would recommend drinking it
Speaker 1: daily or over long periods of time regularly. It's the
Speaker 1: kind of tea that you incorporate into your tea sipping
Speaker 1: regimen randomly, versus green tea, which I think is really
Speaker 1: wise to drink every day or at least every other day,
Speaker 1: because it has so many wonderful benefits. Green tea definitely
Speaker 1: has some side effects that I didn't really know about,
Speaker 1: but just do your research look it up. Remember I
Speaker 1: am not a doctor, don't even think so. But you
Speaker 1: got to do your own research. But Green Tea is
Speaker 1: great and it's great for you. So I want to
Speaker 1: say something before we get into the jam in preparation
Speaker 1: for this show, or before you start listening to this show.
Speaker 1: First of all, the Gratitude Challenge has come to an end.
Speaker 1: It ended on Sunday, the twenty first of April, and
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you, guys. I want to
Speaker 1: hear if you enjoyed the Gratitude Challenge. Did you participate,
Speaker 1: what did you realize while doing the Gratitude Challenge? How
Speaker 1: did you incorporate it into your life life? So send
Speaker 1: me a message, send me a text message. My phone
Speaker 1: number should be on Instagram and Facebook. Send me an email.
Speaker 1: You can email me at Hello at handymipurse dot com.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you. Uh send me
Speaker 1: a DM on Facebook, on Instagram, on Twitter. I want
Speaker 1: to hear from you. I want to hear how it
Speaker 1: worked out for you. That would really bring my day,
Speaker 1: So please do that. Also, I want you to be
Speaker 1: prepared for the conversation that I'm having today with my guest,
Speaker 1: because I was not prepared. I was prepared, but I
Speaker 1: don't think my nervous system was prepared. And my conversation
Speaker 1: is with someone we talk about death and more tech
Speaker 1: and mortality a lot, and we talked about grief a lot.
Speaker 1: And as you guys know, I lost, As you guys know,
Speaker 1: hold on, sorry, let me drink this tea. I lost
Speaker 1: my grandmother last year.
Speaker 2: And grief is uh.
Speaker 1: First of all, grief is a motherfucker, first of all.
Speaker 1: Second of all, it is a process, and it is lifelong.
Speaker 2: It is not something that stops.
Speaker 1: It's not a destination you don't arrive at. Grief is
Speaker 1: over lane or the train station or the train depot
Speaker 1: for grief is done. It's a journey. You are constantly
Speaker 1: evolving and faced with how it will be a part
Speaker 1: of your life.
Speaker 2: And so.
Speaker 1: I was not prepared emotionally, mentally, spiritually, nor my nervous system.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you because I had a very visceral reaction
Speaker 1: during our conversation at the beginning of our conversation, and
Speaker 1: you should be able to hear because I asked my
Speaker 1: producers to not cut it out. I don't think he
Speaker 1: cut it out. If you did cut it out, well,
Speaker 1: he cut it out. I'm sorry that you don't get
Speaker 1: to hear it. But I I wanted you guys to
Speaker 1: hear it because it's real.
Speaker 2: And one thing that.
Speaker 1: I stand on is business. Standing on business, that's what
Speaker 1: the kid saying. But one thing I stand behind is
Speaker 1: authenticity and transparency on this show, and I had a
Speaker 1: very very real physical reaction while she and I were
Speaker 1: talking and it was interesting. And actually after our conversation,
Speaker 1: usually when I'm in the house for the evening, I
Speaker 1: don't leave back out because I'm like a bear.
Speaker 2: My ass got up. I got up.
Speaker 1: I went to Best Buy and bought a juicer. Okay,
Speaker 1: I got up and I got out of the house
Speaker 1: because I just felt like I need to be outside
Speaker 1: in nature and.
Speaker 2: It solved everything, So just prepare for that.
Speaker 1: Also, I just experienced so many different emotions while talking,
Speaker 1: and it was interesting because it made it a little
Speaker 1: difficult at times for me to do the interview or
Speaker 1: to have the conversation with her.
Speaker 2: Because I was dealing with so.
Speaker 1: Much internal stuff in the moment, like my mind and
Speaker 1: my body and my spirit was just kind of going
Speaker 1: through like a whole lot of different shit. So it's
Speaker 1: not anything that I'm apologizing for because I'm not so
Speaker 1: sorry for my life and my existence and how my
Speaker 1: spirit or my body, my mind, or my heart reacts
Speaker 1: to talking about anything, particularly grief. But I just wanted
Speaker 1: you guys to know on the front end that I
Speaker 1: did struggle a little bit. I mean, it's still a really,
Speaker 1: really fucking amazing conversation. It's not bad or anything, but
Speaker 1: I wanted you guys to know on the front end
Speaker 1: because I didn't want you to listen and be like.
Speaker 2: What is wrong with her? Now you know what was
Speaker 2: wrong with me.
Speaker 1: Also, I would like to read a comment from someone
Speaker 1: a listener on Spotify and her name is Tracy Balsamo,
Speaker 1: and Tracy Balsamo said that she participated or she was
Speaker 1: going to participate in the challenge in the Gratitude Challenge, Tracy,
Speaker 1: I hope that you did.
Speaker 2: First of all, thank you for listening. You are the
Speaker 2: real y'all know I was gonna know where that one
Speaker 2: was though. Ray.
Speaker 1: And also she said that she was sipping gatorade while
Speaker 1: she was listening to that episode, and I think it
Speaker 1: was from episode eighty four if I'm not mistaken. But
Speaker 1: if you did do the Gratitude Challenge, Tracy, please leave
Speaker 1: me a comment and let me know how it went
Speaker 1: for you. Let me know you know how that worked.
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you guys about the gratitude
Speaker 1: challenge because so many people have a lot of breakthroughs
Speaker 1: and gain some new understanding as a result of it.
Speaker 1: So enjoy the conversation that I had with my guests.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I just wanted to kind of put you
Speaker 1: all on games because we don't do no hide and
Speaker 1: then no pretending around here.
Speaker 2: We keeps it. We keeps it a buck over here.
Speaker 1: Okay, Oh yeah, so friends and ken for today jam,
Speaker 1: I chose a song that it didn't quite fall into
Speaker 1: my lap, but it kind of did.
Speaker 2: There was a song that I told you.
Speaker 1: When I choose the jam, usually it kind of just
Speaker 1: comes to me, or it's a song that is like on.
Speaker 2: My spirit like heavy that week And.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, I'm sorry, it's it's on me like heavy.
Speaker 1: And I had one and you know, I have perimenopause
Speaker 1: and I have some other, uh health stuff going on
Speaker 1: that caused me to sometimes forget black stuff. Sorry, so
Speaker 1: I forgot and I didn't write it down. So as
Speaker 1: a result, I went looking for a jam. And I
Speaker 1: don't just pick the first thing that I find. I'm
Speaker 1: very intentional about how I create my episodes. I'm very
Speaker 1: intentional about the information that I provide for you guys.
Speaker 1: I'm very intentional about handing my purse period, extremely intentional,
Speaker 1: And I think that's why I love my own show
Speaker 1: so much and why like I really believe in it,
Speaker 1: because I'm extremely intentional. So I was listening to songs,
Speaker 1: like I listened to a few of them. I have
Speaker 1: a list of songs that I have, you know, like
Speaker 1: a go to, like if I just cannot figure something out.
Speaker 1: I have a list of songs that I really love
Speaker 1: that I can go to and kind of pick from it.
Speaker 1: And it's a long list, so it's not like a
Speaker 1: list of five. And nothing on that list was like
Speaker 1: speaking to me because it has to connect with me
Speaker 1: in that moment. And so I just went to Spotify
Speaker 1: and just looked through like some of my playlists and
Speaker 1: I like songs. And I saw this song and I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't remember this song, but I like
Speaker 1: both of the artists that are on the song. And
Speaker 1: so I found this song and it is called Superpower
Speaker 1: and it is by a woman. Her name is Kirby,
Speaker 1: and Kirby is from Memphis, but she was raised in
Speaker 1: Mississippi and D Smoke. D Smoke if I'm not mistaken,
Speaker 1: and I'm pretty sure that I'm accurate here.
Speaker 2: D Smoke is the brother of.
Speaker 1: Sir. I'm pretty sure that he is. I'm pretty sure
Speaker 1: that that he's that D Smoke. Yep, I just looked
Speaker 1: at his picture. So D Smoke and Sir, who is
Speaker 1: an R and B singer, are brothers. And I like
Speaker 1: both Kirby and D Smoke and this song. I turned
Speaker 1: it on and started listening and I was like, WHOA,
Speaker 1: And I think based on like the album art, it's
Speaker 1: the two of them sitting on like a bench, uh.
Speaker 1: And the picture looks very vintage, and it looks like
Speaker 1: they're sitting in a step like in your grandma's house,
Speaker 1: and you can see the steps, and on the wall
Speaker 1: there are pictures of people who in that year. Remember
Speaker 1: that year, like COVID in twenty nineteen, where they were
Speaker 1: just killing black people, like freaking crazy, shooting them in
Speaker 1: the back of the head. George Floyd, Breonna Taylor Ahmad Oh,
Speaker 1: I forget his last name. I don't want to forget
Speaker 1: his last name. But the young man who was running
Speaker 1: I mentioned him too. He was running in Georgia and
Speaker 1: Ahmad Ahmad Arbury. I did not want to forget his name,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to make sure that I said his name,
Speaker 1: am Oud Arbury. There are pictures of them on the
Speaker 1: wall and a couple of other people. I can't really
Speaker 1: make out their faces, but I said, let me get
Speaker 1: into this. And so the song is is basically a
Speaker 1: celebration of black people's magic, and I love it. It's not gimmicky.
Speaker 1: It's not like corny because don't nobody, ain't nobody got
Speaker 1: time for no corny shit. It's not like you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. It's not like the kind of song
Speaker 1: that you know, I can't really say what I want
Speaker 1: to say. It's not the song that can be easily
Speaker 1: like vultured, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2: And so.
Speaker 1: It's just a really really, really really good song. And
Speaker 1: I love at the end they talk about they say
Speaker 1: in the song they are lyrics that say when we die,
Speaker 1: where do my people go to the stars where they
Speaker 1: can't steal your glow?
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: Anyway, listen to it. Uh, it's a good song. It's
Speaker 1: really a celebration of, like I said, being black and
Speaker 1: like nuances, like having a wide nose and big lips
Speaker 1: and about you know, here's some more lyrics. My nose
Speaker 1: as wide as the red sea, my lips are full fillers,
Speaker 1: don't feel me as soon as my cousin killers on trial,
Speaker 1: My family gonna pull up, sit in court side. So
Speaker 1: it's a good song. It ain't, it's not, it's not.
Speaker 1: It's a good song, and it's refreshing in the wake
Speaker 1: of the music that we sit with and deal with
Speaker 1: now and rap rap guys, that's what I'll call them.
Speaker 1: Rap guys are out here having bitch fits on the
Speaker 1: internet and fighting with each other. This kind of song
Speaker 1: is definitely refreshing, So check it out.
Speaker 2: Listen to it.
Speaker 1: Of course, as soon as it's done playing, Uh, we're
Speaker 1: gonna get right into the second to the discussion with
Speaker 1: my guests. Uh. And of course in the show notes,
Speaker 1: there's gonna be a link, and the link is to
Speaker 1: a video so you can see them and see the video.
Speaker 1: The video is really beautiful, So check it out and
Speaker 1: let me know what you think, because.
Speaker 2: I really, really, really really really like it.
Speaker 1: It's a good song. So here is Kirby and d
Speaker 1: Smoke with superpowers accusing us of moving Keilos they'll always
Speaker 1: move in love.
Speaker 3: You got a Superpowers, We got super Bowls and I
Speaker 3: cannot forget them.
Speaker 1: We got superw we got super Yay, Okay, friends and Ken.
Speaker 1: This is going to be a show unlike any show
Speaker 1: that I have ever had before, because I have talked
Speaker 1: about grief before, but I have never spoken to someone
Speaker 1: who assists or ushers people over to the other side
Speaker 1: or helps helps with that. And no, not like in
Speaker 1: a doctor Kavorkian way. So it was not his name Kavorkian. Yeah,
Speaker 1: not in that way, but in a very beautiful way.
Speaker 1: And I can't wait for my guest today to talk
Speaker 1: to you about the work she does. Her name is
Speaker 1: a Lua Arthur and she is a death doula. And
Speaker 1: I have to say that. When I heard that, I
Speaker 1: was like, what is a death doula? But I mean
Speaker 1: in the same way you have a doula when you
Speaker 1: give birth. It's it's the exact same concept. But I
Speaker 1: want her to tell us about who she is, because
Speaker 1: me telling you about who she is serves no purpose,
Speaker 1: and to tell us a little bit about what a
Speaker 1: death doula is just to start the conversation off. Generally,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 4: A death doula is somebody who does all of the
Speaker 4: holistic and non medical care and support of the dying
Speaker 4: person and.
Speaker 1: The circle of support through the process.
Speaker 4: And when I say dying person, I mean anybody who
Speaker 4: has come into recognition of their mortality. That means that
Speaker 4: even when people are healthy and they want to complete
Speaker 4: some comprehensive end of life plans, death doualas can assist
Speaker 4: with it when they want to work through fears around death,
Speaker 4: or do death meditations or anything to help them alleviate
Speaker 4: or be in conversation about their mortality. Death dealers can
Speaker 4: do that. When somebody knows what it is if they're
Speaker 4: going to be dying of, we can support them and
Speaker 4: having the most ideal death for themselves under the circumstances.
Speaker 4: And then after a death, we can help family members
Speaker 4: wrap up affairs of their loved ones life. So anything
Speaker 4: related to how people are engaging with their mortality, either
Speaker 4: because they have a disease and they know that they're
Speaker 4: dying from it or they want to prepare themselves, we
Speaker 4: can support with Okay.
Speaker 1: And having recently lost Lou I've recently lost my two
Speaker 1: grandparents in two and January of twenty twenty and then
Speaker 1: in January of twenty twenty three, Yes, twenty twenty three,
Speaker 1: so three years apart, two days apart, and they were
Speaker 1: married for so many years, like thirty some years. I
Speaker 1: can say even though that, you know, they were my grandparents,
Speaker 1: and their children handled a lot of the really like minuscule,
Speaker 1: not minuscule, I mean finite, like the detailed I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: aspects of preparing for.
Speaker 2: I don't want to say even their death.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about, well, but the whole process before it happened,
Speaker 1: while it was happening, and then after it happened. It's
Speaker 1: a lot of work. It's a lot of you don't
Speaker 1: think about that, right, You don't think about like all
Speaker 1: the work that goes into dying, because there's a lot
Speaker 1: of paperwork. There's a lot of phone calls, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of signing documents, getting people to agree to do things,
Speaker 1: getting family members to be okay with that, with the
Speaker 1: choices that the person who is leaving, the choices that
Speaker 1: they're making. It just seemed like a lot. Not to
Speaker 1: mention the fact that you're losing someone that you love
Speaker 1: and you have to work around all of that. It
Speaker 1: just seems like a lot of work. One question that
Speaker 1: I do like to ask before we get into the
Speaker 1: heaviest the conversation is are you drinking something right now?
Speaker 1: Do you drink or you have something to drink? Water? Water?
Speaker 1: And so you know, every time I have somebody on
Speaker 1: this show, they are drinking water. That is great that
Speaker 1: people are hydrated in that way. I am more than
Speaker 1: likely dehydrated, Like, yeah, it happens. I am drinking tea
Speaker 1: butterfly PT and peppermint tea because that is my new
Speaker 1: favorite combination. And I just always want to know, like
Speaker 1: what are you drinking to day? Like what are people
Speaker 1: drinking putting into their bodies? And not because I'm a
Speaker 1: health nut a little bit, but you know, I always wonder,
Speaker 1: so I want to hear about you. Recently wrote a book, yes,
Speaker 1: and it was released on April the sixteenth to sixteen. Okay,
Speaker 1: tell me a little bit about the book.
Speaker 4: The book is called Briefly Perfectly Human, and it is
Speaker 4: mostly a memoir that tracks my journey into death care
Speaker 4: and highlights some of my clients' stories in an effort
Speaker 4: to create a story where anybody can find themselves and
Speaker 4: find their truths and find ways to engage with their mortality. Yeah,
Speaker 4: my hope is that the book serves as an invitation
Speaker 4: for people into their lives they think about death overall,
Speaker 4: and hopefully gives us some things to start thinking about
Speaker 4: as we begin to prepare for death ourselves.
Speaker 1: I tell you what it definitely me had me thinking,
Speaker 1: of course, about myself and about the people around me.
Speaker 1: But I think I spent most of my time reflecting
Speaker 1: on the experience of losing my grandparents, which was, like
Speaker 1: I said, not too long ago. Some of my favorite
Speaker 1: things of the book because in the book, because as
Speaker 1: I went along, I definitely took notes. Something that I've
Speaker 1: really loved about the book is because, like you said,
Speaker 1: it is a memoir. You were very transparent, very vulnerable,
Speaker 1: and very dare I say, like raw and naked about
Speaker 1: like the processes that you've endured in your life. You
Speaker 1: talked a lot about your mental health, which I talk
Speaker 1: about almost every episode on this show. I talk about
Speaker 1: mental health and self care and self love and self
Speaker 1: worth a lot. And it was amazing to hear about
Speaker 1: your own mental health journey and how you carry that
Speaker 1: work into the work that you do as a death Duela.
Speaker 1: One of the first things that I wrote down about
Speaker 1: things that I loved about this book because I went
Speaker 1: as I went along was I could die of my
Speaker 1: own depression from when you were on the bus with Jess.
Speaker 1: Y'all need to read the book because see some of this,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, I don't know what she's talking about.
Speaker 1: Read the book. Read the book. Can you talk about
Speaker 1: like that moment when you had that feeling or when
Speaker 1: you felt that way about your own mortality and your
Speaker 1: own mental health and how you felt when you hold
Speaker 1: on time out? Because I just totally went blank. I
Speaker 1: have ADHD. So bear with me.
Speaker 5: I'm with you, hold on, bear with me, Okay, all right, okay, Sorry.
Speaker 1: You're really nervous, because I think so really is because
Speaker 1: it's death. I don't fucking know. I don't know, but
Speaker 1: I am not that girl. I'm not nervous. I don't
Speaker 1: get nervous. I wonder if it's because we are talking
Speaker 1: about well, I mean it requires me like I'm having
Speaker 1: like a physical like my body, I'm having like a
Speaker 1: physical reaction. Wow, what does it feel like a little
Speaker 1: like jittery and kind of cold? And I'm clearly drinking
Speaker 1: tea and I have on hoodie. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, I will say that sometimes I feel like
Speaker 4: getting into the conversation inspires such vulnerability that a lot
Speaker 4: of us want to retract in order to protect ourselves,
Speaker 4: even though there's nothing to protect against because we are
Speaker 4: safe in the conversation. But it's not uncommon for folks
Speaker 4: to do like, oh, when when it comes up, yeah,
Speaker 4: because we're gonna talk about it.
Speaker 1: We're going to deal with that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. It's so weird. Okay, and
Speaker 1: I'll probably keep this on there. Okay. I am usually
Speaker 1: very vulnerable and transparent, but I'm realizing that I'm having
Speaker 1: some kind of like physical, like visceral reaction. And I
Speaker 1: don't know, it really could be the thought of talking
Speaker 1: about grief. And I mean I go to therapy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I go to therapy every week. My therapist just took
Speaker 1: me down every two weeks. I told her, I don't
Speaker 1: really know if this is a good idea, but she
Speaker 1: did anyway, so it's not like, you know, I'm not
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just had like a washer, maybe
Speaker 1: my grandmother is in here, because she'd be in here something.
Speaker 4: If you're feeling cold, but you have all the worms
Speaker 4: that's what they say often that there's like a coldness
Speaker 4: or breeze or whatever.
Speaker 1: Oh, but it was a breeze. It was like a yeah,
Speaker 1: I just don't be playing grandma because I'm trying to
Speaker 1: conduct business. Nice, pretty lady, please grandma. All right, let
Speaker 1: me get myself together. So I'm going to just read
Speaker 1: some of the things from the book that I really loved.
Speaker 1: I love that you addressed that you realize that you
Speaker 1: could die of your own depression. So mortality it's not
Speaker 1: all about terminal illness or being physically ill. You recognize
Speaker 1: that your mental health had such a impact or such
Speaker 1: a toll on you that like if I don't do
Speaker 1: something like I could die or I feel like I
Speaker 1: could die. Another point you said, and these are all
Speaker 1: things that you said, making space for people to talk
Speaker 1: about with lives heaviest on our hearts, living a life
Speaker 1: full of pretending when mental health is heavy on you. Listen, yeap.
Speaker 1: That is problematic in the world, but it is really
Speaker 1: really problematic in the black community. I just won't pretend
Speaker 1: that everything is fine. God is here, We are good.
Speaker 1: We don't need anything. My grandmother used to always say,
Speaker 1: I don't need no man because Jesus is my boyfriend
Speaker 1: or God is my boyfriend. Grandma, it ain't the same,
Speaker 1: because it ain't. God is not here to do things
Speaker 1: for you that a boyfriend could do.
Speaker 2: It's not how it works.
Speaker 1: Jesus is not doing me my boyfriend does now and
Speaker 1: she knows because she had four kids and used to
Speaker 1: wear hot pants in the sixties. So I know that
Speaker 1: God is not doing for you what my grandfather was
Speaker 1: doing for you in the sixties, and whoever else, if
Speaker 1: there was anybody else on the low existential gas lighting.
Speaker 1: I love that. Not allowing people to be free and
Speaker 1: expressing the pain of their reality. That is something else.
Speaker 1: When you talked about Jessica, as you said, I see
Speaker 1: a woman who didn't want to do, who didn't do
Speaker 1: what she wanted to do. That is something that I
Speaker 1: talk about on the show all the time because my
Speaker 1: therapist has worked really hard. She and I have worked
Speaker 1: really hard together to get me to be a woman
Speaker 1: who does what she wants to do and who does
Speaker 1: not do what she wants does not want to do,
Speaker 1: and that struck a chord with me. And I'm reading
Speaker 1: this just so that people can see, like the book
Speaker 1: isn't just about Oh, people are dying and they're gonna
Speaker 1: die and no. It is a great book because a
Speaker 1: law is very transparent about her mental health. And one
Speaker 1: thing we're going to talk about on this show is
Speaker 1: mental health. You said, if I died happy, what would
Speaker 1: I look like at the end of my life? That
Speaker 1: one hit me in the chest, and that's when I
Speaker 1: started thinking about my own mortality. I love that you said,
Speaker 1: because we get to live, we get to die. You
Speaker 1: came from Ghana and moved to Bethesda. Yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: love that. Shout out to Maryland. The feeling of creating
Speaker 1: home and has it aided you to feeling like you
Speaker 1: need to belong somewhere, to something or to someone. You said,
Speaker 1: self care must be a priority when we are ushering
Speaker 1: others into death. I definitely want to talk about that.
Speaker 1: You talked about generational joy. We always talk about generational curses,
Speaker 1: but generational is a thing. The reasons why people try
Speaker 1: to box black listen. I was chanting all kinds of
Speaker 1: black power chants when I read this. The reason why
Speaker 1: people try to blox black people into a box or
Speaker 1: create a monolift for us is because they have a
Speaker 1: hard time understanding blackness. And it's easier to digest if
Speaker 1: they make us all the same. Yep. When a loved
Speaker 1: one dies, I loved for them, and their love for
Speaker 1: us doesn't die or go away, it changes form. That
Speaker 1: broke me down.
Speaker 2: Sis. I was crying in the car when I heard
Speaker 2: that part.
Speaker 1: I was crying because it made me think about Recently,
Speaker 1: I saw Regina King. Somebody asked her about her son, Ian,
Speaker 1: who had passed away, and she said that grief is
Speaker 1: just love that doesn't have anywhere to go. Oh gosh.
Speaker 1: I was crying like a baby when I heard that,
Speaker 1: and when I read that that our love for them,
Speaker 1: or their love for us, it doesn't die or go away,
Speaker 1: it just changes forms. I loved when you talked about
Speaker 1: culture norms and societal norms being like lead in our
Speaker 1: drinking water. You said the risk of loving anything is
Speaker 1: to lose it, and I love that you said, fuck them,
Speaker 1: do you boo? And that's just some of them. Because
Speaker 1: I could go here, I could go on for because
Speaker 1: as I was driving and listening, I was like, oh, oh,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have been.
Speaker 2: Driving, but I was.
Speaker 1: There were so many good things and A Lou and
Speaker 1: I were talking earlier about the fact that her audio
Speaker 1: book is her own voice, and it was so much
Speaker 1: more meaningful to listen to the book through your voice.
Speaker 1: And I'm glad that I got to listen to it
Speaker 1: versus like actually holding the book and reading it. And
Speaker 1: I may still buy I'm definitely gonna buy the book
Speaker 1: and I'm going to give it to my aunt. She
Speaker 1: doesn't know that, but I'm gonna buy it and give
Speaker 1: it to my aunt. But listening to it through your
Speaker 1: voice really really held a lot of weight for me
Speaker 1: because I feel like I I know your entire experience now,
Speaker 1: like I know you, you're my cousin who lived down
Speaker 1: the street. I know what happened. I know Kip. I
Speaker 1: know all of the people. Girl, Kip, I understand you
Speaker 1: ran down the street and you were on the freeway.
Speaker 1: Did you say you were on the four oh five,
Speaker 1: on the oh the one o five? You were on
Speaker 1: the one o five.
Speaker 2: I was there.
Speaker 1: I thought I was there. It was literally like almost
Speaker 1: like a black room come a little bit sometimes and
Speaker 1: then sometimes like a black drama. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: self care, because on this show we talk about self care.
Speaker 1: I told you I have adhd one thing about me.
Speaker 1: I'm going to rent one thing about me. I'm all
Speaker 1: over the place me too, So in doing this work,
Speaker 1: how do you take care of yourself? It can be tricky.
Speaker 4: People that are drawn to this work, like myself, were
Speaker 4: really empathic largely, which means I feel like I can
Speaker 4: feel what everybody's feeling all the time, and it makes
Speaker 4: it really hard, especially when we're talking about death and
Speaker 4: loss and there's so much pain and sadness there.
Speaker 1: There's also beauty and joy, but.
Speaker 4: Predominantly there's a lot of sadness, and it's important that
Speaker 4: we learn how to shore up our own boundaries. I
Speaker 4: find that many of us who come to the work,
Speaker 4: particularly the students that I teach at the Going with
Speaker 4: Grace end of Life training program, have to work really
Speaker 4: hard to close up their pores in some capacity. And
Speaker 4: I don't mean toner, I mean like spiritual toner, you know,
Speaker 4: just to like tighten it all up, to keep what's
Speaker 4: mine mind and to separate what isn't mine.
Speaker 1: And when I've.
Speaker 4: Been with a client for a while, when I get home,
Speaker 4: there's a few things that I always must do in
Speaker 4: order just to bring myself back to center.
Speaker 1: Well. Also when I enter into a.
Speaker 4: Client, so home I touch the door gym just to
Speaker 4: remind myself that I'm crossing a threshold and I'm going
Speaker 4: into a place, and when I leave, I will also
Speaker 4: come out. Granted I'll be changed by what it is
Speaker 4: I experience.
Speaker 1: There, but I can leave what's there there.
Speaker 4: So when I get home, I eat salt, vinegar, kettle chips.
Speaker 1: Okay, I know a ritual.
Speaker 4: Love a ritual, and it's like, you know, there's no burning,
Speaker 4: there's no incantations that are happening, and your potato chips,
Speaker 4: and yet we can ristualize anything if we're willing, and
Speaker 4: not for me very much is one because the salt
Speaker 4: and the crunch and the bite in my jaw, the
Speaker 4: vinegar just help ground me and my body very quickly,
Speaker 4: because it's like this is mine. Also, I take a
Speaker 4: bath and I sit in the tub as the water
Speaker 4: drains out of it to wash, watch it wash away
Speaker 4: all the things that are not mine to carry, because
Speaker 4: some of them are just mine to hold with them
Speaker 4: for a while, but they're not mine to carry, and
Speaker 4: so I can just watch it go down the drain.
Speaker 1: Do you is there any do you just take a
Speaker 1: regular bath, like just regular bath? Do you put anything
Speaker 1: in it, or are there any smells that you prefer?
Speaker 1: It depends on how tired I am.
Speaker 4: But sometimes I make these little baggies of roast petals
Speaker 4: and have some salt and as lavender eucalyptus and do
Speaker 4: Terra's balance. I would use those for a while, But
Speaker 4: also just really depends.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I kind of skipped all over this because
Speaker 1: I got excited about the book. Tell the people who
Speaker 1: you are, I apologize.
Speaker 4: Oh sure. My name is Abela Arthur death Doulah. I'm
Speaker 4: a writer. I guess I'm an author. I'm a speaker.
Speaker 1: Yes you are, thank you. Absolutely.
Speaker 4: It's difficult, you know, I don't think of myself as
Speaker 4: a writer necessarily, but I've written this book that is
Speaker 4: now out in the world's been published.
Speaker 1: I get to call myself an author. Yiha. I am
Speaker 1: a teacher.
Speaker 4: I teach death Doulah's Training Students offer a lot of
Speaker 4: operations and opportunities for people to engage with theirmortality Going
Speaker 4: with Grace, which is an end of life organization and
Speaker 4: of which I'm the founder.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, and I'm a human.
Speaker 4: I'm a daughter, I'm a lover, I'm a gemini, I'm
Speaker 4: a Pisces moon.
Speaker 1: I'm a Scorpio moon. Yeah over in a libra soun wow,
Speaker 1: so double double yeah. Actually I'm Scorpio dominant. It's kind
Speaker 1: of balanced Scorpio and Libra, but I'm the Libra and
Speaker 1: me keeps the Scorpio in me.
Speaker 4: Kind beautiful, well done, well done, well done.
Speaker 1: Okay, how did you get here? I got here? Well,
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to figure that out.
Speaker 4: But when I look backwards, what I see is that
Speaker 4: I practiced law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los
Speaker 4: Angeles for about ten years, working in government benefits, helping
Speaker 4: folks that have been kicked off of benefits, to food stamps,
Speaker 4: to welfare get their benefits back. I transitioned after a
Speaker 4: while into domestic violence work and sexual assault work, and
Speaker 4: then after a.
Speaker 1: While it was a lot, It was very intense.
Speaker 4: And then I worked in community economic development, helping people
Speaker 4: start low income or i'll start on nonprofits and low
Speaker 4: income neighborhoods, and the work just got to be to
Speaker 4: the point where I couldn't manage it anymore. I was
Speaker 4: instantly frustrated and angered and sadden like really broken about
Speaker 4: the systems that seemed to only keep people in the
Speaker 4: same position that they've been in. It's like the design
Speaker 4: of the system would keep poor people poor, and I
Speaker 4: could not understand, and there seemed to be nothing we
Speaker 4: could do to help people get out of this circumstances
Speaker 4: and situations.
Speaker 1: It broke my heart. And also, I think, just the way.
Speaker 4: I'm built, like, I'm not a very good lawyer. I
Speaker 4: wasn't a very good lawyer. But I wanted to sit
Speaker 4: with my clients. I wanted to talk about their fear,
Speaker 4: trauma and their pain and life and hold their hand
Speaker 4: and be like, oh, what is up?
Speaker 1: Like what are we doing? Still? You know what I mean? Yeah?
Speaker 1: How can we get out of this? Girl? What do
Speaker 1: you need me to do? I am I try to
Speaker 1: help you.
Speaker 4: Also, what did you see in your family that got
Speaker 4: you here? What do you believe about women and men
Speaker 4: and children and the whole nine?
Speaker 1: But that's not what I was there to do. So
Speaker 1: it was tricky.
Speaker 4: It was challenging for me, and depression grew because it
Speaker 4: just got much, much much harder to justify what I
Speaker 4: was doing in this scenario where I wasn't being my
Speaker 4: fullest self. I didn't feel authentically like me, I wasn't
Speaker 4: using my gifts I was just wasting away on some level,
Speaker 4: and wasting away for like no dollars too. I mean,
Speaker 4: don't get me wrong, I understand some people certainly trade
Speaker 4: authenticity for a dollar, but it's not really in my.
Speaker 1: Makeup to do so.
Speaker 4: So I was broke, and I was also not in
Speaker 4: my full authenticity, which just wasn't working out. And through
Speaker 4: that depression, I took a medical leave of absence because
Speaker 4: it got so intense. And during that leave of absence,
Speaker 4: through a lot of serendipity and synchronicity, I ended up
Speaker 4: in Cuba, where I met a fellow traveler on a
Speaker 4: bus who had using cancer, and we talked a lot
Speaker 4: about her life, and then we started talking about her death,
Speaker 4: and I was surprised by what I heard.
Speaker 1: I was surprised to hear.
Speaker 4: That she didn't have people to talk to about her
Speaker 4: mortality because when she would bring it up, people would
Speaker 4: tell her to focus on healing and have hope rather
Speaker 4: than sit with the reality that one day she was
Speaker 4: going to die, even if this disease is not the
Speaker 4: thing that killed her. During that bus ride, I also
Speaker 4: started thinking about my mortality, and this is when the
Speaker 4: ideas about me dying from depression came up, because depression
Speaker 4: can be a life limiting illness when it's left untreated,
Speaker 4: for many people in fact, and so I really started
Speaker 4: to think about my disease and that capacity, and then
Speaker 4: started to think about my depression and my life. And
Speaker 4: I thought, well, if this depression kills me, this is
Speaker 4: not the life that I want it. I want more,
Speaker 4: I want different out of my life. And so I'm
Speaker 4: not going to say I vowed to make a difference
Speaker 4: and make a change, because that's not necessarily true. But
Speaker 4: it was like the veil was lifted, and all of
Speaker 4: a sudden I got to see my life very quinsy
Speaker 4: clearly through the lens of my mortality. And that's been
Speaker 4: the lens that I keep trying to put in front
Speaker 4: of other people and also keep for myself as I
Speaker 4: carry on with my life.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: It was interesting when you were on the bus when
Speaker 1: you met Jess. You guys need to just read the book,
Speaker 1: like at the end of the day, go by it.
Speaker 1: First of all, go by it because she's black, Yeah,
Speaker 1: go by it. Second of all, I don't care if
Speaker 1: you're black or if you're not, You're gonna die. So
Speaker 1: it might be of assistance to you. All people die,
Speaker 1: and I always say this thing. You know, when I
Speaker 1: was dealing with my grandmother transitioning, I would always, you know,
Speaker 1: say to my aunt because you know, I mean it's
Speaker 1: her mother. She took it pretty I mean we all did.
Speaker 1: I would say, living is how we earn the right
Speaker 1: to die, Like that's a right that God gives us
Speaker 1: because it's a part of living. So so like that's
Speaker 1: a different way to look at it. And she would
Speaker 1: always look at me like me and this, girls, shut
Speaker 1: the fuck up. I want to hear about that. I
Speaker 1: missed my mama and I get that, like I fundamentally
Speaker 1: understand that.
Speaker 2: I get it.
Speaker 1: It makes all the sense in the world, but like
Speaker 1: it's the truth. And I think like listening to that
Speaker 1: and thinking about that it helped me to stay grounded.
Speaker 1: And I remember in the book when you were talking
Speaker 1: to Jess and I felt really sad for her when
Speaker 1: she said I want to be a writer, and that's
Speaker 1: when the quill pin tattoo made sense and she wanted
Speaker 1: to start a blog, and you were just like, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, we'll start the blogs. Just do whatever it
Speaker 1: is you want to do, because like you know, you
Speaker 1: are in control of what you are in control of.
Speaker 1: You're not in control of when you're gonna die. But
Speaker 1: while you're here, let's make the most of it. I'm
Speaker 1: curious about like your client tele what do they look like?
Speaker 1: Are they predominantly what predominantly white? Wealthy? Some?
Speaker 4: I mean I certainly worked on a citing scale and
Speaker 4: given away a lot of services because people meet them.
Speaker 1: It was necessary. Yeah, necessary. That was one of the
Speaker 1: questions that I That was one of the questions that
Speaker 1: I specifically thought of, and I wanted to make sure
Speaker 1: that I ask is basically and we'll get to that,
Speaker 1: but like, how do you make sure that this is?
Speaker 1: Because it from what I feel from you, because I
Speaker 1: can I tend to be a bit empathic. What I
Speaker 1: feel from you is that you are very thoughtful, You
Speaker 1: are very loving, and also because of your own mental illness,
Speaker 1: you are very thoughtful is the first word that I
Speaker 1: think of. But thoughtful and aware of the fact that
Speaker 1: you will share your gift UH to other people and
Speaker 1: you want other people to have access, so you know,
Speaker 1: my question would be like, how do you allow access
Speaker 1: for people who may not you know, have because I
Speaker 1: would have managine I'm not. Of course, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to ask you about like what does this cost, because
Speaker 1: that's ghetto and poor. I would never have that then
Speaker 1: and not get poor in the stereotypical way, Like I
Speaker 1: think it's ghetto to ask people about their money in
Speaker 1: their politics and like things like that. But like, how
Speaker 1: do they how do you provide a space where they
Speaker 1: have access, because I would imagine that you would definitely
Speaker 1: do that so that it's inclusive for people of of course,
Speaker 1: all races, all genders, all sexual orientations, socioeconomic statuses, et cetera.
Speaker 1: It's mixed. It's definitely mixed.
Speaker 4: I say predominantly white because I think of more of
Speaker 4: the people that come for end of life planning.
Speaker 1: Services or white folks.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and yet when I think of folks that I
Speaker 4: sat with at the bedside or people that are dying,
Speaker 4: they look like everything.
Speaker 1: Mostly because what's.
Speaker 4: Happened over time is that I've been able to make
Speaker 4: enough money serving a certain percentage of the population that
Speaker 4: it doesn't matter what else I do, you know what
Speaker 4: I mean, And so I'm choosing to spend more time there.
Speaker 4: And also I'll say that all the services that we
Speaker 4: offer at Going with Grace there's always a tier of service,
Speaker 4: or there's always some aspects of the service that costs
Speaker 4: a lot of money, and then there's also an element
Speaker 4: of it that is free, and then there's things in
Speaker 4: between so that people can access the information. I don't
Speaker 4: believe this to be proprietary at all.
Speaker 1: It belongs to all of us.
Speaker 4: We should all have functional death literacy, and you shouldn't
Speaker 4: have to pay for it to get it.
Speaker 1: I love that and it kind of makes me want
Speaker 1: to cry a little bit, and you know, I'm a crier,
Speaker 1: so it comes out, it comes out. But I think
Speaker 1: that that's beautiful because when I think about like our community,
Speaker 1: and when I say our community, I just mean people
Speaker 1: that you know, look like us, and when we think
Speaker 1: about death, it tends to be very like regimented. It's
Speaker 1: going to look a certain way. We're going to have
Speaker 1: a repass people. Somebody might pick a color. Everybody wear pink,
Speaker 1: everybody wear green, every blue place. Listen, black people, we
Speaker 1: are gonna have a color coordinated function. And it's so
Speaker 1: funny because like I don't think people understand like the
Speaker 1: connection that Black Americans and Africans have, Like this ship
Speaker 1: has to be like in our DNA because we're gonna
Speaker 1: have an outfit on and everybody's gonna wear the outfit.
Speaker 1: When my grandmother passed away, everybody gotta wear some pink. Okay, cool,
Speaker 1: I'm a weir pink. That's fine. But I I lost
Speaker 1: my train thought because I always do. It's okay, it'll
Speaker 1: come back, But I feel like you. It makes me
Speaker 1: happy to hear that you do offer something for so
Speaker 1: many different people because there's no access. I remember my
Speaker 1: thought because for us, death processes are very regimented. It's
Speaker 1: gonna look a certain way, and then you have the repass.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have meat balls, you're gonna have fried chicken,
Speaker 1: and I have greens. You're gonna have string, you have
Speaker 1: macaroni and cheese, you have rolls. You're gonna laugh, you're
Speaker 1: gonna sing. Then you're gonna go home. And then he
Speaker 1: said it, yeah, you and somebody's gonna be playing soft.
Speaker 2: Jazz in the back.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be some soft jazz from saxophones in the back. Yes,
Speaker 1: somebody's gonna get up at the funeral. You're gonna tell
Speaker 1: them that uncle so and so and so and so,
Speaker 1: you got two minutes. They're gonna take ten minutes, Like
Speaker 1: it's the They're gonna have all these pictures in the
Speaker 1: in the obituary, but one with the clouds. Always that's
Speaker 1: what they do because that's where they are, in the clouds,
Speaker 1: Baby Jesus, in the heaven of That's where they are. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's where it is. But I love that you are
Speaker 1: providing a space where you are able to introduce different
Speaker 1: options because and especially even around do you offer like
Speaker 1: even before we even get to this place, like if
Speaker 1: I just want to figure out how to deal with
Speaker 1: the grief that I'm dealing with from losing my grandparents,
Speaker 1: just growing Going with Great have like classes or anything
Speaker 1: for people who have lost like family members who have
Speaker 1: lost maybe not people that have worked with you, but
Speaker 1: people who may have lost someone, or how to prepare
Speaker 1: for your own mortality. Can you tell me a little
Speaker 1: bit about some of the services you offer? Absolutely, in
Speaker 1: my mind, I was just like, Okay, she's a death dueler.
Speaker 1: She prepares for this, got it. But when it comes
Speaker 1: to Going with Grace, which is the company that you founded,
Speaker 1: what kind of services do you offer?
Speaker 4: We offer services for three different buckets of folks. I'll
Speaker 4: say generally, First, it's people that are curious about integrating
Speaker 4: mortality into their everyday life to see what they have
Speaker 4: to learn from it. And there we have a course
Speaker 4: called the Living Practice. It's really an offering that it's
Speaker 4: thirty days of your life to think about the end
Speaker 4: of it, essentially where you get a question every day
Speaker 4: that deepens your relationship to your own life. It's very
Speaker 4: very very little about your death it self, or rather
Speaker 4: has to do with how you're living. We have death meditations,
Speaker 4: we have a work shops that are available. There's one
Speaker 4: coming up on May fourth called Awakening. It's like a
Speaker 4: three hour meditative space where we get to see what
Speaker 4: you really value.
Speaker 1: And what your priorities are.
Speaker 4: And then we have a bucket of service for people
Speaker 4: that are interested in becoming doulas themselves or interested in
Speaker 4: supporting community members in this work, because most of us
Speaker 4: will serve as a doula at some point, because somebody
Speaker 4: in our lives will die and will be the ones
Speaker 4: that are primary caring for them and are sharing them
Speaker 4: through So most of us will do this work even
Speaker 4: if you're not somebody who wants to do it professionally.
Speaker 4: And then also when people need direct services we have
Speaker 4: all these duels. We've trained over twenty five hundred and
Speaker 4: seventeen countries so far.
Speaker 1: That is amazing. There's a lot of folks so far. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're what I consider a baddy sis. Thank you. Baty
Speaker 1: on Instagram is a little different, but I think it's
Speaker 1: so amazing that you are doing such beautiful work. And
Speaker 1: I think that some people, when they would think about it,
Speaker 1: would think about that it's so heavy and it's so
Speaker 1: dark and it's deaf. But you have and I said
Speaker 1: this before we started recording, but people would hear this
Speaker 1: and think about shadow work or think about like the darkness.
Speaker 1: There's a light I feel like you bring to this
Speaker 1: kind of work. Okay, So for today's straight facts question,
Speaker 1: friends and can.
Speaker 2: Listen.
Speaker 1: I had to drink some tea on that one because
Speaker 1: this is something else, so I'm gonna go straight to it.
Speaker 1: It says I got a scenario for you, and it's
Speaker 1: not an overnight scenario. That's on Rare Essence shut out
Speaker 1: to DC and go Go music and Rare Essence. Two
Speaker 1: friends that have been friends for twenty five years. One
Speaker 1: is a nurse that works at a clinic. Her name
Speaker 1: is Ronda, and the other one is a banking manager. Linda,
Speaker 1: the banking manager has met a new man that she
Speaker 1: finally can see herself building a life with and is
Speaker 1: happy after twelve weeks of dating.
Speaker 2: Twelve weeks friends and ken is what three months? So
Speaker 2: three months.
Speaker 1: Linda and Ronda haven't talked in a while due to
Speaker 1: life and dating, so the two of them meet up
Speaker 1: for brunch to catch up, and Linda was telling Ronda
Speaker 1: about her new boo and insisted that they all should
Speaker 1: meet later in the week for drinks. They left brunch
Speaker 1: and set a time to meet up later in the
Speaker 1: week for drinks. Okay, A few days came around and
Speaker 1: they all meet up for drinks. Ronda arrived first, patiently
Speaker 1: waiting for Linda and her Buddha arrive. Linda pulls up
Speaker 1: with her boo and Ronda looks and she sees she
Speaker 1: looks like she saw a ghost. She recognized Linda's new
Speaker 1: boo from the clinic and she knows of his HIV
Speaker 1: positive status. What should Ronda do risk her career and
Speaker 1: violate Linda's spooze? Hippo writes by disclosing his disclosing his
Speaker 1: HIV he said it's to Linda or just let her
Speaker 1: find out on her own. And this is from Jamal,
Speaker 1: and Jamal is writing from Durham, North Carolina. Man, oh man,
Speaker 1: this is aggressive. What is the game plan? Okay, what
Speaker 1: is the game plan? This is crazy. He's got some
Speaker 1: soul searching the too.
Speaker 2: Indeed, and do listen one more time.
Speaker 1: He's got some soul searching the tooth. That is aggressive, dude.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even know what to do, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: So I'm sure that you have to sign something or
Speaker 1: you take some kind of oath when you become a
Speaker 1: nurse or a doctor or a nurse practitioner or medical
Speaker 1: or anybody in the medical field, because I wouldn't care
Speaker 1: if you were a medical assistant or uh what you were.
Speaker 1: But I don't know. I would have to I would
Speaker 1: have to talk to Ronda. If Ronda was my good friend,
Speaker 1: I would have to talk to Ronda. Ronda wasn't my
Speaker 1: fucking good friend, Like I would not be able to do.
Speaker 1: I would not, in good conscience or in good consciousness
Speaker 1: keep that one from her. But on the flip side,
Speaker 1: how do you know that Ronda doesn't already know? Like
Speaker 1: people date people with HIV, herpes and HPV people, and
Speaker 1: people tell them like everybody does not keep it a secret.
Speaker 1: So there's no there's no guarantee that he hasn't had
Speaker 1: this conversation with her. There's also no guarantee that he has. Okay,
Speaker 1: uh but ooh, this is sticky, and it's sticky because
Speaker 1: they've been friends for twenty five years. Listen, you know
Speaker 1: this is why I'm not nurse or doctor because I'm
Speaker 1: telling my friend I ain't doing this to her.
Speaker 2: Uh huh.
Speaker 1: But I would have to tell her. I would have
Speaker 1: to figure out a way to tell her without telling her,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I would have to tell
Speaker 1: her in a way like I would have to be slick,
Speaker 1: Like I would have to really think and put on
Speaker 1: my Pinky's daughter hat.
Speaker 2: I would really have to be slick.
Speaker 1: And figure out how I'm going to tell her because
Speaker 1: I would not feel right if I didn't at least
Speaker 1: make her aware. I may not tell her of his status,
Speaker 1: like I might not come out right and just be like,
Speaker 1: oh yo boo got HIV. But I may have a
Speaker 1: conversation that leads her to thinking about testing or leads
Speaker 1: her to talking about HIV with me, and just you know,
Speaker 1: like I might just ask for like, girl, y'all have
Speaker 1: been tested. You know you're talking about being in life,
Speaker 1: whim y'all been tested? You might want to I would
Speaker 1: definitely do that. I would definitely do that, Yes, indeed,
Speaker 1: I would. This is tricky because it also, like like
Speaker 1: you said, it violates his hippowrites. So I would just
Speaker 1: be very careful and I would work around the hipo
Speaker 1: violation and just have a conversation and try to get
Speaker 1: into her stream of consciousness about making sure that you're
Speaker 1: aware of everything about him.
Speaker 2: That's probably what I would do. But this is tricky.
Speaker 2: By b M. I do not envy miss Linda. Is
Speaker 2: that Linda? No Ronda?
Speaker 1: I don't envy Ronda should I don't envy Linda either,
Speaker 1: because I mean, you know I don't. All right, So,
Speaker 1: friends and ken you know I'm on this book Black Liturgies.
Speaker 1: I am, and I have been for the past few
Speaker 1: episodes because it is in my bones. And I have
Speaker 1: bought this book for about six women because I feel
Speaker 1: like I want everybody to have it. I want all
Speaker 1: black people to have this book. I cannot afford to
Speaker 1: buy them for all black people, So then there's that
Speaker 1: I can't afford that. But when I talk to people
Speaker 1: about it, if I talked to him and there's a
Speaker 1: glimmer of interests, then I send it to them. And
Speaker 1: I have been it's like my I'm doing the work
Speaker 1: of God. Okay, over here, I'm doing God's work over here, guys, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Speaker 1: So this excerpt is from the chapter on calling and
Speaker 1: excuse me, and it's titled It's a prayer, and it's
Speaker 1: entitled for those who are looking for a sign. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. I think I mentioned this. I
Speaker 1: think I mentioned this in episode eighty eight. I think
Speaker 1: it was eighty eight. It was the anniversary episode, the
Speaker 1: four year anniversary episode, and I talked about my spring
Speaker 1: break trip, and I believe I talked about going out
Speaker 1: on the balcony of my hotel facing the water and
Speaker 1: saying a prayer, and in two hours, God said, okay, Sis,
Speaker 1: you want me to send you a sign, no problem,
Speaker 1: I got one for you, and he rocked my socks.
Speaker 1: So I want to share that prayer with you because
Speaker 1: I want you to hear it, because I feel like
Speaker 1: it's a powerful prayer if you are intentional, how you
Speaker 1: use it and you know, I'm not a gatekeeper. I
Speaker 1: am a gatekeeper about perfume and a fragrance though, but
Speaker 1: I'm not a gatekeeper about healing at all. So I
Speaker 1: want people to heal, and I definitely want black people
Speaker 1: to get to healing as best they can. So I
Speaker 1: want to share this prayer with you. I will say
Speaker 1: it is very powerful if you use it intentionally. Trust me,
Speaker 1: it's extremely powerful. Okay, So let us pray God, who
Speaker 1: shows I need a sign? However, sincere my discernment, it
Speaker 1: seems like clarity continues to evade me.
Speaker 2: God, how will I know?
Speaker 1: In the absence of firm assurance, This lack of confidence
Speaker 1: pulls me here and there like a leash. I feel
Speaker 1: like I read this already, but I'm going to flow
Speaker 1: with it because this is what God said I was
Speaker 1: supposed to do. I feel like I read it on
Speaker 1: that episode, did I? Anyway? Excuse me? Let us start over, God,
Speaker 1: who shows I need a sign? However, sincere my discernment,
Speaker 1: it seems like clarity continues to evade me. God, how
Speaker 1: will I know? And the absence of firm assurance, this
Speaker 1: lack of confidence pulls me here and there like a leash.
Speaker 1: Remind me that many things can be good at once.
Speaker 1: But if there's an answer that is most right for
Speaker 1: me in this season, reveal it to me. Help me
Speaker 1: to have compassion for myself as I name my uncertainty.
Speaker 1: Show me what it means to be a person of
Speaker 1: both conviction and openness. That I might gain the courage
Speaker 1: to act and decide even when it feels like a risk.
Speaker 1: May I find divine affirmation on the path to self trust. Amen,
Speaker 1: and a shay And so it is so, Jesus.
Speaker 3: Jesus, Jesus.
Speaker 1: The first thing that I would like to say is
Speaker 1: thank you to God, because God is supreme and I
Speaker 1: recognize and appreciate the grace that God extends me every
Speaker 1: day of this black ass life that I live all
Speaker 1: the time, every day, three hundred and sixty five days
Speaker 1: a year, twenty four to seven. I want to say
Speaker 1: thank you to my people. I want to say thank
Speaker 1: you to each and every one of you that have
Speaker 1: been rocking with me since day one, that's March the
Speaker 1: first of twenty twenty. I appreciate you, I thank you,
Speaker 1: and I'm grateful you being here, even if you just
Speaker 1: started listening today. I'm grateful for that as well. Either
Speaker 1: way you cut it up, I am grateful and appreciative
Speaker 1: of your presence with me, your time, and your energy.
Speaker 1: I appreciate it in your ear. I'm thankful for my family,
Speaker 1: my friends, my friends, and ken Who are you guys,
Speaker 1: because I feel like if you listen to this show,
Speaker 1: and especially if you listen regularly, if we ain't friends,
Speaker 1: we can And that's just how it goes. All of
Speaker 1: my supporters, and of course, most importantly, every single one
Speaker 1: of you guys out there listening.
Speaker 2: As I said, I.
Speaker 1: Love y'all so much and it is nothing short of
Speaker 1: an honor to share my time and energy with you,
Speaker 1: especially if you keep coming back to spend time with me.
Speaker 1: I look forward to the next time that we get
Speaker 1: to do this with one another, which will be next Tuesday. Now,
Speaker 1: before you exit out of whatever streaming service you're using
Speaker 1: the listen to this, stop what you're doing, and if
Speaker 1: you haven't already done so, look for the subscriber follow button.
Speaker 1: Click on that if it's an option on the streaming
Speaker 1: service where you're listening. Next, I want you to go
Speaker 1: over to Instagram and threads. You can find Threads through
Speaker 1: Instagram and then follow me at hand Me My Purse
Speaker 1: Underscore Podcast. Also follow me on Twitter or x at
Speaker 1: HMMP Underscore podcast and on Facebook just search hand Me
Speaker 1: My Purse podcast. If you listen on a streaming service
Speaker 1: or medium that allows you to do so, please rate
Speaker 1: and review the show or give it a thumbs up
Speaker 1: if you can. It takes two to three minutes, so
Speaker 1: you know it's not a lot of time it takes. Friends,
Speaker 1: it can be sure to share Handy My Purse with
Speaker 1: your friends, your loved ones, and even your enemies. Because
Speaker 1: the best way for people to find out about the
Speaker 1: show is by you guys telling them all about it.
Speaker 1: So tell a friend to tell a friend to tell
Speaker 1: a friend.
Speaker 2: Please.
Speaker 1: I am asking you to submit your questions for the
Speaker 1: straight Fact segment by clicking on the link in the
Speaker 1: show notes that says submit a question for straight Facts,
Speaker 1: or click the link in my Instagram profile and look
Speaker 1: for the button that directs you to submit a question.
Speaker 1: Who knows your question may be featured on an upcoming show. Also,
Speaker 1: I want you to remember that the show notes are
Speaker 1: always available in the episode description. Wherever you are listening
Speaker 1: to the show, be sure to take a look at
Speaker 1: the show notes because that's where you will find all
Speaker 1: of the links that I mentioned during the show and
Speaker 1: any other information that I just may want you guys
Speaker 1: to check out that I think would be helpful or
Speaker 1: supportive and want to share with you. Also, just so
Speaker 1: you know, the music for Him Me my Purse is
Speaker 1: provided by none other than West Baltimore's own Gloomy Tunes.
Speaker 1: And last, but now least, I want to give a
Speaker 1: big old shout out to my producers. With them, we
Speaker 1: make up Random a Angel and the Thirty Throats and
Speaker 1: just one more thing for the one time. I look
Speaker 1: forward to you guys, looking forward to listening and to
Speaker 1: me Mimi Walker and Hand Me my Purse the podcast
Speaker 1: each and every Tuesday, and I'm out this bitch peace.
Speaker 1: Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 1: For more shows from my Heart podcast, this is the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.