WEBVTT - OCD and Comedy 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.400 This is the Anxiety Bites podcast and I am your host, 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:17.480 Jen Kirkman. Welcome to another episode of Anxiety Bites. Have 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:20.800 got a fun one for you today. It's all about 0:00:20.800 --> 0:00:23.080 o c D and commed dy Now. I know I've 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:25.840 had a comedian on ad Chelsea on a couple of 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:29.160 weeks ago, and uh having another comedian friend on today. Now, 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:33.040 this will not be a comedy mental health podcast. There's 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:35.960 plenty of those, but every once in a while, someone 0:00:36.000 --> 0:00:38.440 from my personal life really stands out to me. As 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:42.640 you know what, I do want people to specifically hear 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:47.400 us chat and my friend Andy Kindler, today's guest, had 0:00:47.440 --> 0:00:50.920 reached out to me when this podcast came out and 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:53.840 he was so excited about it. He loved it. I'm 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:55.640 saying it in the past tense. I think he still 0:00:55.640 --> 0:01:01.840 loves it. And I've actually always wanted to have Andy 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:05.399 on the show, but just we're in different time zones 0:01:05.440 --> 0:01:07.319 now and scheduling can be tough. So he is finally 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:11.399 on the podcast and talking to me about O c D. Now, 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:13.039 this episode is a little different. There's a lot of 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:16.240 references within the episode that I will explain up front 0:01:16.800 --> 0:01:19.479 that might help you fully understand more what we're talking about. 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:23.080 You know, this isn't your typical episode where some neurologist 0:01:23.160 --> 0:01:24.759 is leading me through what happens in the brain when 0:01:24.760 --> 0:01:26.679 you have O c D. But what I think is 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:30.440 really helpful about my chat with Andy is that he's 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:34.760 giving me some real time uh insight into his brain 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:41.880 as he's thinking his thoughts while we're actually recording the podcast. 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:44.240 He's telling me what's going through his head and what, 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:47.000 you know, kind of what the O c D spiral 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:50.520 is at the moment, and it's really really fascinating. And 0:01:50.560 --> 0:01:53.760 then we talked about how he didn't get into therapy 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:58.400 until he was sixty years old and what it was 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:04.720 like to live that long. I guess undiagnosed. Sorry, Andy, 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:09.239 if you're listening, God, he's old to be undiagnosed, and 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:12.760 what that really means. You know, when you are not 0:02:12.880 --> 0:02:15.320 diagnosed with something, but you are doing all the behaviors 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:17.120 of someone with O c D or someone with a 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:20.959 d h D, At what point does it just become 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:24.120 part of you and you don't even think of it 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:26.200 as I think something's wrong here. You don't even know 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:28.880 you just because you know, we never get to jump 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:30.680 into anyone else's skin and see what it's like to 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:33.120 walk around the world as them. And so a lot 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:36.400 of times people that have something that's undiagnosed, it's not 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:39.079 as if they secretly know they have something that needs 0:02:39.080 --> 0:02:41.639 to be diagnosed. A lot of times it's like, oh, 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:45.160 I'm just bad something's wrong with me. But you know, 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:49.680 so things that I will explain to you about what 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:51.320 Andy and I are talking about. What I thought was 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:56.560 very interesting about chatting with Andy is there can be 0:02:56.639 --> 0:02:59.600 this mythology about comedians, and I feel like in the 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:04.160 last five years there's been this real media obsession and 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:08.000 worship of comedians, which to me is very annoying because 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:13.840 everyone thinks they have their quick analysis, Oh, comedians are 0:03:13.840 --> 0:03:17.840 the sad clowns of the world, And sure, but isn't 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:21.520 everybody a sad clown in a way? Isn't everybody showing 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:26.480 up to work acting basically a little different than you 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:28.640 would say the day that you're laying in bed thinking, 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:31.360 oh my god, I can't get up today. You know, 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:34.680 I think there's a mythology that a lot of comedians 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.920 are making up for a lack of attention or sad 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:42.320 childhood by making others laugh and if there's any pathology 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:47.280 to comedy as it relates to our past or our present, 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:51.000 it's just it's less about making people laugh. Honestly, I 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:53.000 think on a deep I'm talking on a deep the 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:57.680 deepest level that isn't the subconscious. It's about controlling a situation. 0:03:58.200 --> 0:04:01.080 You know, when you're on stage tech Nickelly, nobody's talking 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:04.600 back to you. You're not engaging in an intimate conversation. 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:08.920 You're controlling the room. You're actually talking and no one 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:11.600 else is allowed to talk. You are making people have 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:15.560 an involuntary reaction by laughing. You are kind of living 0:04:15.560 --> 0:04:18.080 in the moment because you are taking risks. They might 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:21.280 not laugh, they might throw something at you. And in 0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:23.680 a weird way, I know for myself and a lot 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:26.520 of other comedians you have O c D or a 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:31.279 d h D or depression anxiety. You're so in the 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:34.960 moment on stage as a comedian, it's very hard to 0:04:35.120 --> 0:04:37.560 have your brain doing something else in the background while 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:43.360 you're speaking and moving your body around. And it's one 0:04:43.400 --> 0:04:46.960 of the only times for me that I can so 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:51.280 effortlessly have literally no thoughts in my head except exactly 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:54.719 what I'm doing and thinking, and it can be this enormous, 0:04:54.839 --> 0:05:00.200 almost relaxed feeling when I get off stage, and it 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:03.200 can honestly be overwhelming after I get off stage, because 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:06.480 it's almost like, uh, for me, I don't want to 0:05:06.520 --> 0:05:08.960 go out with the fans after shows and party. I've 0:05:09.000 --> 0:05:11.640 never done that because after I'm done talking for an hour. 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:15.159 First of all, I'm done talking, but I've been in 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:19.560 such a mood um that I talked about actually in 0:05:19.560 --> 0:05:21.839 the first episode with Dr jud It's a flow state, 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:24.680 which can be almost if you want to look at 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:26.320 it as a spiritual experience. If you want to look 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:30.360 at it as uh, you've almost done a form of mindfulness. 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:35.440 But I truly have had an uninterrupted one hour without 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:39.400 my bullshit running in my brain at least as far 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:43.039 as I can hear it, and then it all comes 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:45.280 rushing back. When you get off stage, right, you're not 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:49.160 You're not a focused anymore on something, and so that's 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:53.240 when I just want to decompress, get back to the 0:05:53.320 --> 0:05:55.640 sensations of being in my body, being in my own mind, 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:57.360 and just go back to the hotel room and watch 0:05:57.440 --> 0:06:02.120 some h G TV. But I'm saying all that to say, 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.560 what was fascinating about talking to Andy about having O 0:06:05.760 --> 0:06:08.960 c D while doing stand up comedy, is that as 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:12.159 someone who's a fan of his work, Yes, I guess 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:14.800 I could see that there was like there was some 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:17.279 O c D tendencies in the way he did stand up, 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:22.200 because he does this incredible, very specific thing where he 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:26.240 deconstructs stand up as a medium itself, and he deconstructs 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:28.839 his own stand up, his own performance, how the audience 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:31.359 is perceiving him, how that joke went, Why didn't he 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:35.200 work harder on it. It's this constant and just fast 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:40.599 paced ability to analyze every single thing in the room 0:06:40.680 --> 0:06:43.960 going on and going on in his head. And it's 0:06:44.040 --> 0:06:48.080 kind of the opposite of how I sometimes feel on stage, 0:06:48.080 --> 0:06:51.320 which is a little checked out. But he is alert 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:54.480 and aware. But it must be overwhelming at times, right, 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:56.640 You know for me that when I think of that, 0:06:56.680 --> 0:06:57.919 I go, oh God, I don't want to be that 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:01.240 aware when I'm on stage. And so, in a way, 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:05.280 unlike the sad clown trajectory, if someone has O c 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:08.560 D in a weird way, the way that I see it, 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:15.440 the ability to be doing something and be constantly worrying 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:20.240 became a style that came very easily to Andy for comedy. So, yes, 0:07:20.320 --> 0:07:24.480 like our pathologies do kind of define how we perform 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:26.320 on stage in a way, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:29.600 they just there's they just totally don't. But so I 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:32.560 was interested in talking to Andy about how the O 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:35.880 c D affected his comedy and that sense of wait, 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.760 if I get help, will I lose my magic? And 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:45.200 the answer is no, because the thing that is kind 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:48.720 of informing your style can also really take you down 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:51.600 in other ways. And we get into that too. We 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:55.440 kind of talk about that, that social media anxiety and 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:58.760 enacting out our anxiety disorders on social media, even if 0:07:58.800 --> 0:08:01.119 we think we're doing it for the reasons we're fighting 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:04.680 injustices all over the world, you know. But so just 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:08.760 to get into we reference something in this interview called 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:13.360 the Montreal Festival. So there is a giant comedy festival 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:18.360 in Montreal, Canada, every year every July. It's been going 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:22.280 on for decades and it is a big deal. I 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:24.080 think it's less of a big deal now than it 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:26.160 used to be. But in the heyday of the eighties 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:29.480 and nineties, when every single television executive went and people 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:31.600 would get off stage and they'd get you know, a 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:34.360 million dollar TV deal. It was a really big, big thing. 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:37.520 It's still a big deal, And that the entire comedy 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:42.440 entertainment industry descends upon Montreal, and you really cannot have 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.000 a bad set up there because there will be agents 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:47.720 and managers and TV executives and this, and I mean, 0:08:47.920 --> 0:08:51.560 and then people gossips, so you you can't screw up 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:54.360 when you're there. And the festival last for weeks and weeks, 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:58.920 and it's international. And Andy has been doing something there 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:02.440 for twenty five years called the State of the Industry 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:04.000 and it's like a take off of you know, the 0:09:04.040 --> 0:09:06.760 State of the Union address. And he gets up in 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:10.040 front of hundreds and hundreds of people and he makes 0:09:10.160 --> 0:09:14.280 jokes about the comedy industry. So you know, if there's 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:16.480 a new batch of TV shows coming out that year, 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:17.960 he'll make fun of it. He'll make fun of the 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:21.800 most popular comedians. It's sort of the point is that 0:09:21.880 --> 0:09:24.360 it's not a roast like you've seen those shows where 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:27.920 comedians it's just him up there, and it is you know, 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:32.360 he is roasting people, I guess. But what's so interesting 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:36.440 about his State of the Industry address every year is 0:09:36.480 --> 0:09:40.200 that you don't want to be in it. You know, 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:43.959 and there's a lot of people who are in it 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:47.480 that can get really offended that if they're mentioned, even 0:09:47.520 --> 0:09:51.560 though Andy's punching up. They're the richest comedians, they're the 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:54.560 most famous, but sometimes they're the most sensitive. And Andy, 0:09:54.800 --> 0:09:56.640 because of his o c D over the years that 0:09:56.679 --> 0:10:00.280 I didn't really know he was struggling with, was having 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:05.320 a really hard time with his State of the Industry 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:08.040 address in the sense that he wanted to make fun 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:11.840 of certain comedians that we're having sexual assault scandals and 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:15.839 who were maybe you know, racist or something like that, 0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:18.840 and he felt there was it was all getting mixed 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:20.640 up in his mind because part of his o c 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:24.320 D is is um, well he'll explain it, but it 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:26.640 would get mixed up in his mind as but I'm 0:10:26.720 --> 0:10:31.320 right about this and and so it was like it 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:34.320 went from like just making silly jokes about people to like, 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:37.360 I have to change the world with the speech, or 0:10:37.400 --> 0:10:40.959 I have to really prove that I'm right and that 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:42.960 I'm allowed to say bad things about this person because 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:45.240 they've done terrible things. And he just said that was 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:46.760 where the o c D was kind of coming to 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:49.760 a head. So if you hear us mentioned that now 0:10:49.800 --> 0:10:54.000 you'll know what it is. So let's just get into it. 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:56.320 If you're a fan of comedy, I think you will 0:10:56.440 --> 0:11:02.080 love the kind of insidery stuff about this episode, UM 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:05.440 and learning what it's like to do a job that's 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:10.200 all about using your head and your words and what 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:13.000 your head is really doing kind of in the background 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:16.160 or your mind. I guess your head. I'm no, I'm 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:21.400 not a neural neuroscientist anyway. My guest today is UM 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:26.560 comedian Andy Kendler. He has appeared a billion times on 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:30.920 Everybody Loves Raymond. He has made dozens and dozens of 0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:34.240 appearances on Late Show with David Letterman. He is more 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:38.880 currently on Bob's Burgers. He has a bunch of comedy albums. 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:41.840 His latest album called Hence the Humor, came out in 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:46.160 and he is the co host of a podcast called 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:50.319 Thought Spiral with j Elvis Weinstein. And you can get 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:52.920 that anywhere that you get podcasts if you want to 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:57.200 hear more thoughts spirally. But for now, enjoy this Thought 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:04.000 Spiral with my guest, Andy Kibler. Yeah. Okay, so I 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:06.839 hear this garbage truck outside right, So all I think 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:10.480 about is I can feel the anxiety starting. Because if 0:12:10.520 --> 0:12:14.640 there's a sound that's extra, that's my fault. I've already 0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:18.719 accepted that that's my fault. And because my mother. This 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.600 is a great beginning, because I love when people give 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:24.760 me real time examples of how their anxiety is manifesting. 0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:27.840 So let's begin. Well, you guards you hear the garbage 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:29.640 truck outside now, which by the way, I don't hear. 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:35.440 And instead of thinking, oh that sucks, I hate that, 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:37.520 I hope it's not going to ruin the audio, because I, 0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:39.680 you know, I want to sound good. You go to 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:43.600 this place where God, I would have to say, it's 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:46.880 not even so much of a intellectual thought as it 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:48.920 is like a feeling, as it is almost like a 0:12:49.040 --> 0:12:51.800 knowledge even though you're wrong, that it's your fault. You're 0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:56.480 bad somehow because the truck is going by. And had 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:59.000 I not had years of therapy, which I have had, 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:01.880 and as I have told you before, I was the 0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:06.080 oldest Jew to enter therapy in the history of therapy. 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:10.439 I think I entered therapy almost when I was turning sixty. 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:14.960 Gen that's a shonda or something like that. I don't. 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:17.160 I think it's a shame, it's a it's another under scord, 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:19.160 all the under schords made what are you gonna do? 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:22.600 What can you do? It's not it's nonsense. Okay, So 0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:26.280 let's take it back to the oldest jew in therapy 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:29.760 to ever have entered therapy, which I should call this episode. 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:33.079 I never knew what I never knew that I had another. 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:36.600 I never knew consciously that I was taking fault for things. 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:38.880 I just felt horrible. But I was saying, I've been 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:40.560 listening to your shows, listening to the show with a 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:42.400 man just turn. I'm just I'm not just trying to 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.920 prove on, but I'm I'm I'm with but um. And 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:50.120 I was thinking about like this feeling I had, which 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:53.400 is almost like the Nazis are almost always going I 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:56.160 have this feeling my whole life that the Nazis are 0:13:56.200 --> 0:13:59.040 about to knock on the door or I'm on LSD 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:01.560 which I often wasn't college, and my parents are going 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:05.320 to call from the airport Auntie wore in town. We're 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:08.600 coming up. And this is what I had as a 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:12.320 panic my whole life. I didn't realize until therapy. I 0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:14.640 didn't was not able to realize and put it all 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:17.400 together because my father kept saying all those years. Your 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:19.080 mother has been a therapy for thirty years, and what 0:14:19.480 --> 0:14:21.440 what did you learn? Nothing? So I had all these 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:24.840 terrible things against therapy, but once I've got into therapy, 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:27.800 I could identify that that's what's going on when the 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.920 sounds outside. You know, that's so fascinating. Because you said 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:34.320 so much in that small sentence. You know, people might go, oh, 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:36.480 the acid things funny, Oh the Nazi thing, that's funny. 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:40.800 But when it's really happening in your head, you try 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:42.920 to joke and you can't necessarily like stop and tell 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:45.840 everyone what you're thinking. So you, so you are a person, 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:49.080 comes up with coping mechanisms to tamp it down or 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:51.840 try to cover it up, or try to change the 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:54.200 subject in your brain, and it might result in, I 0:14:54.240 --> 0:14:57.280 don't know, shutting down emotionally or telling jokes or whatever 0:14:57.320 --> 0:15:01.240 it is. But when those coping mechanisms hims are things 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:03.560 we do a lot for our anxiety, then they become 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:05.800 like part of what we do all the time, and 0:15:05.840 --> 0:15:08.720 then you don't know what possibly therapy could help with 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:10.320 and what it couldn't because you don't know what's the 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:15.120 illness and what's you right And also more complicated than that. 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:17.840 My particular case was that my father, my father was 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:21.480 my hero. I loved my father. My mother was severe 0:15:21.520 --> 0:15:23.880 and my mom mom mother and father were both dead, dead, 0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:27.360 And I don't say like that casually, uh to get 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:28.920 a shock value out of them, just saying that no 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:32.760 one should be concerned, you would be, only you would be. 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:37.480 Nothing came out about my parents until after they were dead, 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:40.320 and that's the way it should be. Totally no. But 0:15:40.360 --> 0:15:43.680 I mean, uh, so I'm saying this and I and 0:15:43.720 --> 0:15:46.640 I also I'm resolving all the stuff you do in therapy, 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:48.720 which is they did in a lot of ways. They 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.800 did absolutely the best they could. But my father was 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:56.120 the only sunshine because he was so hilarious, the funniest 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:59.880 person I ever met, funny every day. My mother was severe, 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:04.800 really severely depressed, and so I did not have a 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:12.640 mother mirroring situation, or so I'm wondering because I've heard 0:16:12.640 --> 0:16:15.040 Howard Stern talk about this, and I've heard Stephen Colbert 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:18.360 talk about this. They had very depressed mothers, and being 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:20.960 funny was not a way to get attention. It was 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:24.480 to literally cheer their mother up. They felt very responsible 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:28.240 for their mother's happiness, and they learned the skill of 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:32.200 being funny. And I'm wondering if that's you or if 0:16:32.200 --> 0:16:34.600 maybe your dad was doing that and that's why he 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:37.800 was so good at being funny because he had this 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:40.920 you know person he maybe felt responsible for. I don't 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:43.040 even think he would consciously know he's doing it. Maybe 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:46.920 you didn't either, But does that resonate at all? Yeah, 0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:51.040 I mean he was funny. Um, he was funny. You know. 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.040 Here's the thing that's so amazing that people need to know, 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:56.560 which is very hard to convey on the show like 0:16:56.600 --> 0:16:59.560 this or in any situation. Right now, I'm feeling a 0:16:59.560 --> 0:17:03.200 lot of ang anxiety and I feel but not like anxiety, 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:08.200 like a panic attack thing, because I mean many people 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:10.879 have had pan attacks, have had a similar background with it. 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:13.440 When I was twenty one or eighteen or nineteen, when 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:15.400 the first half I literally thought I was gonna die, 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:17.680 I was on a boss, I was looking around my 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:21.560 nobody had prepared me for it. Uh, And I had those, 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:25.359 but mostly and then I've had those have recurred, but 0:17:25.440 --> 0:17:29.680 not as much as the general sense of anxiety all 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:34.600 the way through, you know, and my father the humor 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:36.320 must be there or in the family all the way back. 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:39.880 I don't know. It's like you know what, Jed, it's 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:44.679 probably Jewish and from the Northeast. I really believe that 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:48.439 it's being part of the press group. Thank god I 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:50.920 was part of the press group. Yeah. And my father 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:53.000 was funny and he was so so he was the 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.080 savior of the house and he was in that way. 0:17:56.720 --> 0:17:59.120 But my mother was. I couldn't hear her up because 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:01.800 she was and my mother has a great says you were. 0:18:01.920 --> 0:18:03.800 I loved my mother and I would bring her into 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:05.840 my act does to the things she said. But she 0:18:05.880 --> 0:18:09.520 wasn't trying to be funny, like Andy, you live in California, 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:14.919 how are the fajitas? You know? But she wasn't funny 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:17.680 on a day to day basis. She was very depressed 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:20.720 on a day to day basis, especially early in her life, 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:24.600 when I think, because I talked to my therapist about this, 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:30.119 that she even almost she was extremely depressed. She was 0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:33.800 thinking she was hearing voices, but I don't think they 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:36.880 were in her case. I think it wasn't. My Savage 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:40.359 explained sometimes severe depression can and then later aren't you 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:43.440 got Parkinson's? And she did hear voices, which everybody does 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:47.760 on Parkinson's or many people do. She was, but but 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:50.480 it was it wasn't that cute. As I got older, 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:53.320 it could be cute making fun of her, and then 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:57.760 the comedy definitely helped, and being funny helped. But in 0:18:57.800 --> 0:18:59.960 the early childhood it was all my dad for the 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:01.639 funny stuff. But I wonder if you looked up to 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:04.280 him and said, like, Wow, that's the man in the 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:07.199 house who's like trying to help the environment. I'm going 0:19:07.240 --> 0:19:09.760 to emmiline him. I was the youngest too, so I 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:11.560 was trying to avoid all kinds of problems that my 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:14.359 brother and just went through. Yeah, well, let's take it 0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.600 all back. So I want to start with your diagnosis. 0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:20.679 You said a little while ago, different than panic, but 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:23.520 you had even anxiety. Now on this podcast, now what 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:26.600 is why? And what does it feel like and and 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:32.080 all that. Okay, what it feels like is that you 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:35.240 hear that right now? You don't, don't, okay, what it is? 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:38.520 What it is is that here's what I should have done. 0:19:38.800 --> 0:19:42.400 I should have known that on Tuesday or afternoon at 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:44.919 three they through the trees for the people, and I 0:19:44.920 --> 0:19:47.320 should have called you beforehand, and I should have said 0:19:47.320 --> 0:19:51.119 I have fouled jen and securing a studio. So no, 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:53.439 I would have said to the podcast anyway, because we 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:56.320 really can't hear it, and the producers clean up the audio, 0:19:56.359 --> 0:19:58.800 and I'm in a new building and there's like they're 0:19:58.840 --> 0:20:02.359 always drilling. Know, it's fine, you can't hear it. Yeah, 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:05.959 So the the anxiety now is in therapy, in life. 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:10.520 At every moment, I completely forget what I've just Now 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:14.320 they've taken out some kind of a mixing tool. They 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:18.920 are actually banging metal against metal cans out there, and 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:23.320 I'm almost upset that we can't hear it, because I 0:20:23.359 --> 0:20:26.320 think that would be so funny, but we really can't. 0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:28.879 But the thing is, you know, the good news is 0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:34.240 is that I unlike a normal conversation. You know, I 0:20:34.359 --> 0:20:38.000 have a plan, and I'm i'm I'm steering places, so 0:20:38.160 --> 0:20:40.440 I have I know, you're so great, so great I 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:43.120 should we should react because I have to remember everything 0:20:43.160 --> 0:20:45.639 you say. You if you have trouble with that, this 0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:48.600 is the one time it doesn't matter. So there's that. 0:20:48.680 --> 0:20:53.160 If that helps. Okay, Okay, that really helped. But my character, 0:20:53.840 --> 0:20:56.600 I'm your pilot, so here we go. Now tell me 0:20:56.640 --> 0:20:58.439 your diagnosis and we'll work back from there, you have 0:20:58.560 --> 0:21:02.760 O c D and what else A D A D. Well, 0:21:02.800 --> 0:21:05.440 I don't really understand. One of the things that I'm 0:21:05.480 --> 0:21:08.480 buying disease is uh, uh or whatever you wanna call it, 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:12.320 that I um the A D H D uh and 0:21:12.400 --> 0:21:15.800 someone the d h D means that it's not I 0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:18.119 don't know what the hyperactivity stuff means. All I know 0:21:18.200 --> 0:21:20.679 is that I have a serious A d D. So 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:23.080 I don't know it's like even the fact that they 0:21:23.240 --> 0:21:25.639 introduced the hyperactivity into it. I don't And then my 0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:28.720 mind starts to break down. So I have So I 0:21:28.760 --> 0:21:30.639 have a d H D and I have a really 0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:32.800 bad O c D. And the O c D was 0:21:32.920 --> 0:21:37.560 really really bad. Uh. In my twenties, when I came 0:21:37.600 --> 0:21:41.800 out to l A, I thought I had hit somebody 0:21:41.800 --> 0:21:46.359 in my car, and I would hear the sound and 0:21:46.400 --> 0:21:49.119 then I would drive around the block and then I 0:21:49.119 --> 0:21:52.000 would go, I bet they crawled into the bushes because 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:53.520 I've hit them, and I look for them. You know. 0:21:53.560 --> 0:21:54.920 I wouldn't get out of the car, but I would 0:21:54.920 --> 0:21:59.040 just ride all day with the horrible fear that I 0:21:59.119 --> 0:22:01.840 killed someone in the car. And it seemed totally crazy. Now, 0:22:01.880 --> 0:22:04.080 can I ask you, how did you actually hit something? 0:22:04.119 --> 0:22:07.120 And or no you you hadn't felt anything hit your car? Right? 0:22:07.760 --> 0:22:11.560 I think it it was like you do hit things 0:22:11.600 --> 0:22:14.119 in the car. You you hit a curb, or you 0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:16.840 hit this or you yeah, okay, I see. So you 0:22:16.840 --> 0:22:18.520 you went in your head and went it was a 0:22:18.560 --> 0:22:21.240 person and now they're dying and it's my fault, right, 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:23.000