Speaker 1: This is the Anxiety Bites podcast and I am your host,
Speaker 1: Jen Kirkman. Welcome to another episode of Anxiety Bites. Have
Speaker 1: got a fun one for you today. It's all about
Speaker 1: o c D and commed dy Now. I know I've
Speaker 1: had a comedian on ad Chelsea on a couple of
Speaker 1: weeks ago, and uh having another comedian friend on today. Now,
Speaker 1: this will not be a comedy mental health podcast. There's
Speaker 1: plenty of those, but every once in a while, someone
Speaker 1: from my personal life really stands out to me. As
Speaker 1: you know what, I do want people to specifically hear
Speaker 1: us chat and my friend Andy Kindler, today's guest, had
Speaker 1: reached out to me when this podcast came out and
Speaker 1: he was so excited about it. He loved it. I'm
Speaker 1: saying it in the past tense. I think he still
Speaker 1: loves it. And I've actually always wanted to have Andy
Speaker 1: on the show, but just we're in different time zones
Speaker 1: now and scheduling can be tough. So he is finally
Speaker 1: on the podcast and talking to me about O c D. Now,
Speaker 1: this episode is a little different. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: references within the episode that I will explain up front
Speaker 1: that might help you fully understand more what we're talking about.
Speaker 1: You know, this isn't your typical episode where some neurologist
Speaker 1: is leading me through what happens in the brain when
Speaker 1: you have O c D. But what I think is
Speaker 1: really helpful about my chat with Andy is that he's
Speaker 1: giving me some real time uh insight into his brain
Speaker 1: as he's thinking his thoughts while we're actually recording the podcast.
Speaker 1: He's telling me what's going through his head and what,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of what the O c D spiral
Speaker 1: is at the moment, and it's really really fascinating. And
Speaker 1: then we talked about how he didn't get into therapy
Speaker 1: until he was sixty years old and what it was
Speaker 1: like to live that long. I guess undiagnosed. Sorry, Andy,
Speaker 1: if you're listening, God, he's old to be undiagnosed, and
Speaker 1: what that really means. You know, when you are not
Speaker 1: diagnosed with something, but you are doing all the behaviors
Speaker 1: of someone with O c D or someone with a
Speaker 1: d h D, At what point does it just become
Speaker 1: part of you and you don't even think of it
Speaker 1: as I think something's wrong here. You don't even know
Speaker 1: you just because you know, we never get to jump
Speaker 1: into anyone else's skin and see what it's like to
Speaker 1: walk around the world as them. And so a lot
Speaker 1: of times people that have something that's undiagnosed, it's not
Speaker 1: as if they secretly know they have something that needs
Speaker 1: to be diagnosed. A lot of times it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just bad something's wrong with me. But you know,
Speaker 1: so things that I will explain to you about what
Speaker 1: Andy and I are talking about. What I thought was
Speaker 1: very interesting about chatting with Andy is there can be
Speaker 1: this mythology about comedians, and I feel like in the
Speaker 1: last five years there's been this real media obsession and
Speaker 1: worship of comedians, which to me is very annoying because
Speaker 1: everyone thinks they have their quick analysis, Oh, comedians are
Speaker 1: the sad clowns of the world, And sure, but isn't
Speaker 1: everybody a sad clown in a way? Isn't everybody showing
Speaker 1: up to work acting basically a little different than you
Speaker 1: would say the day that you're laying in bed thinking,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I can't get up today. You know,
Speaker 1: I think there's a mythology that a lot of comedians
Speaker 1: are making up for a lack of attention or sad
Speaker 1: childhood by making others laugh and if there's any pathology
Speaker 1: to comedy as it relates to our past or our present,
Speaker 1: it's just it's less about making people laugh. Honestly, I
Speaker 1: think on a deep I'm talking on a deep the
Speaker 1: deepest level that isn't the subconscious. It's about controlling a situation.
Speaker 1: You know, when you're on stage tech Nickelly, nobody's talking
Speaker 1: back to you. You're not engaging in an intimate conversation.
Speaker 1: You're controlling the room. You're actually talking and no one
Speaker 1: else is allowed to talk. You are making people have
Speaker 1: an involuntary reaction by laughing. You are kind of living
Speaker 1: in the moment because you are taking risks. They might
Speaker 1: not laugh, they might throw something at you. And in
Speaker 1: a weird way, I know for myself and a lot
Speaker 1: of other comedians you have O c D or a
Speaker 1: d h D or depression anxiety. You're so in the
Speaker 1: moment on stage as a comedian, it's very hard to
Speaker 1: have your brain doing something else in the background while
Speaker 1: you're speaking and moving your body around. And it's one
Speaker 1: of the only times for me that I can so
Speaker 1: effortlessly have literally no thoughts in my head except exactly
Speaker 1: what I'm doing and thinking, and it can be this enormous,
Speaker 1: almost relaxed feeling when I get off stage, and it
Speaker 1: can honestly be overwhelming after I get off stage, because
Speaker 1: it's almost like, uh, for me, I don't want to
Speaker 1: go out with the fans after shows and party. I've
Speaker 1: never done that because after I'm done talking for an hour.
Speaker 1: First of all, I'm done talking, but I've been in
Speaker 1: such a mood um that I talked about actually in
Speaker 1: the first episode with Dr jud It's a flow state,
Speaker 1: which can be almost if you want to look at
Speaker 1: it as a spiritual experience. If you want to look
Speaker 1: at it as uh, you've almost done a form of mindfulness.
Speaker 1: But I truly have had an uninterrupted one hour without
Speaker 1: my bullshit running in my brain at least as far
Speaker 1: as I can hear it, and then it all comes
Speaker 1: rushing back. When you get off stage, right, you're not
Speaker 1: You're not a focused anymore on something, and so that's
Speaker 1: when I just want to decompress, get back to the
Speaker 1: sensations of being in my body, being in my own mind,
Speaker 1: and just go back to the hotel room and watch
Speaker 1: some h G TV. But I'm saying all that to say,
Speaker 1: what was fascinating about talking to Andy about having O
Speaker 1: c D while doing stand up comedy, is that as
Speaker 1: someone who's a fan of his work, Yes, I guess
Speaker 1: I could see that there was like there was some
Speaker 1: O c D tendencies in the way he did stand up,
Speaker 1: because he does this incredible, very specific thing where he
Speaker 1: deconstructs stand up as a medium itself, and he deconstructs
Speaker 1: his own stand up, his own performance, how the audience
Speaker 1: is perceiving him, how that joke went, Why didn't he
Speaker 1: work harder on it. It's this constant and just fast
Speaker 1: paced ability to analyze every single thing in the room
Speaker 1: going on and going on in his head. And it's
Speaker 1: kind of the opposite of how I sometimes feel on stage,
Speaker 1: which is a little checked out. But he is alert
Speaker 1: and aware. But it must be overwhelming at times, right,
Speaker 1: You know for me that when I think of that,
Speaker 1: I go, oh God, I don't want to be that
Speaker 1: aware when I'm on stage. And so, in a way,
Speaker 1: unlike the sad clown trajectory, if someone has O c
Speaker 1: D in a weird way, the way that I see it,
Speaker 1: the ability to be doing something and be constantly worrying
Speaker 1: became a style that came very easily to Andy for comedy. So, yes,
Speaker 1: like our pathologies do kind of define how we perform
Speaker 1: on stage in a way, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes
Speaker 1: they just there's they just totally don't. But so I
Speaker 1: was interested in talking to Andy about how the O
Speaker 1: c D affected his comedy and that sense of wait,
Speaker 1: if I get help, will I lose my magic? And
Speaker 1: the answer is no, because the thing that is kind
Speaker 1: of informing your style can also really take you down
Speaker 1: in other ways. And we get into that too. We
Speaker 1: kind of talk about that, that social media anxiety and
Speaker 1: enacting out our anxiety disorders on social media, even if
Speaker 1: we think we're doing it for the reasons we're fighting
Speaker 1: injustices all over the world, you know. But so just
Speaker 1: to get into we reference something in this interview called
Speaker 1: the Montreal Festival. So there is a giant comedy festival
Speaker 1: in Montreal, Canada, every year every July. It's been going
Speaker 1: on for decades and it is a big deal. I
Speaker 1: think it's less of a big deal now than it
Speaker 1: used to be. But in the heyday of the eighties
Speaker 1: and nineties, when every single television executive went and people
Speaker 1: would get off stage and they'd get you know, a
Speaker 1: million dollar TV deal. It was a really big, big thing.
Speaker 1: It's still a big deal, And that the entire comedy
Speaker 1: entertainment industry descends upon Montreal, and you really cannot have
Speaker 1: a bad set up there because there will be agents
Speaker 1: and managers and TV executives and this, and I mean,
Speaker 1: and then people gossips, so you you can't screw up
Speaker 1: when you're there. And the festival last for weeks and weeks,
Speaker 1: and it's international. And Andy has been doing something there
Speaker 1: for twenty five years called the State of the Industry
Speaker 1: and it's like a take off of you know, the
Speaker 1: State of the Union address. And he gets up in
Speaker 1: front of hundreds and hundreds of people and he makes
Speaker 1: jokes about the comedy industry. So you know, if there's
Speaker 1: a new batch of TV shows coming out that year,
Speaker 1: he'll make fun of it. He'll make fun of the
Speaker 1: most popular comedians. It's sort of the point is that
Speaker 1: it's not a roast like you've seen those shows where
Speaker 1: comedians it's just him up there, and it is you know,
Speaker 1: he is roasting people, I guess. But what's so interesting
Speaker 1: about his State of the Industry address every year is
Speaker 1: that you don't want to be in it. You know,
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of people who are in it
Speaker 1: that can get really offended that if they're mentioned, even
Speaker 1: though Andy's punching up. They're the richest comedians, they're the
Speaker 1: most famous, but sometimes they're the most sensitive. And Andy,
Speaker 1: because of his o c D over the years that
Speaker 1: I didn't really know he was struggling with, was having
Speaker 1: a really hard time with his State of the Industry
Speaker 1: address in the sense that he wanted to make fun
Speaker 1: of certain comedians that we're having sexual assault scandals and
Speaker 1: who were maybe you know, racist or something like that,
Speaker 1: and he felt there was it was all getting mixed
Speaker 1: up in his mind because part of his o c
Speaker 1: D is is um, well he'll explain it, but it
Speaker 1: would get mixed up in his mind as but I'm
Speaker 1: right about this and and so it was like it
Speaker 1: went from like just making silly jokes about people to like,
Speaker 1: I have to change the world with the speech, or
Speaker 1: I have to really prove that I'm right and that
Speaker 1: I'm allowed to say bad things about this person because
Speaker 1: they've done terrible things. And he just said that was
Speaker 1: where the o c D was kind of coming to
Speaker 1: a head. So if you hear us mentioned that now
Speaker 1: you'll know what it is. So let's just get into it.
Speaker 1: If you're a fan of comedy, I think you will
Speaker 1: love the kind of insidery stuff about this episode, UM
Speaker 1: and learning what it's like to do a job that's
Speaker 1: all about using your head and your words and what
Speaker 1: your head is really doing kind of in the background
Speaker 1: or your mind. I guess your head. I'm no, I'm
Speaker 1: not a neural neuroscientist anyway. My guest today is UM
Speaker 1: comedian Andy Kendler. He has appeared a billion times on
Speaker 1: Everybody Loves Raymond. He has made dozens and dozens of
Speaker 1: appearances on Late Show with David Letterman. He is more
Speaker 1: currently on Bob's Burgers. He has a bunch of comedy albums.
Speaker 1: His latest album called Hence the Humor, came out in
Speaker 1: and he is the co host of a podcast called
Speaker 1: Thought Spiral with j Elvis Weinstein. And you can get
Speaker 1: that anywhere that you get podcasts if you want to
Speaker 1: hear more thoughts spirally. But for now, enjoy this Thought
Speaker 1: Spiral with my guest, Andy Kibler. Yeah. Okay, so I
Speaker 1: hear this garbage truck outside right, So all I think
Speaker 1: about is I can feel the anxiety starting. Because if
Speaker 1: there's a sound that's extra, that's my fault. I've already
Speaker 1: accepted that that's my fault. And because my mother. This
Speaker 1: is a great beginning, because I love when people give
Speaker 1: me real time examples of how their anxiety is manifesting.
Speaker 1: So let's begin. Well, you guards you hear the garbage
Speaker 1: truck outside now, which by the way, I don't hear.
Speaker 1: And instead of thinking, oh that sucks, I hate that,
Speaker 1: I hope it's not going to ruin the audio, because I,
Speaker 1: you know, I want to sound good. You go to
Speaker 1: this place where God, I would have to say, it's
Speaker 1: not even so much of a intellectual thought as it
Speaker 1: is like a feeling, as it is almost like a
Speaker 1: knowledge even though you're wrong, that it's your fault. You're
Speaker 1: bad somehow because the truck is going by. And had
Speaker 1: I not had years of therapy, which I have had,
Speaker 1: and as I have told you before, I was the
Speaker 1: oldest Jew to enter therapy in the history of therapy.
Speaker 1: I think I entered therapy almost when I was turning sixty.
Speaker 1: Gen that's a shonda or something like that. I don't.
Speaker 1: I think it's a shame, it's a it's another under scord,
Speaker 1: all the under schords made what are you gonna do?
Speaker 1: What can you do? It's not it's nonsense. Okay, So
Speaker 1: let's take it back to the oldest jew in therapy
Speaker 1: to ever have entered therapy, which I should call this episode.
Speaker 1: I never knew what I never knew that I had another.
Speaker 1: I never knew consciously that I was taking fault for things.
Speaker 1: I just felt horrible. But I was saying, I've been
Speaker 1: listening to your shows, listening to the show with a
Speaker 1: man just turn. I'm just I'm not just trying to
Speaker 1: prove on, but I'm I'm I'm with but um. And
Speaker 1: I was thinking about like this feeling I had, which
Speaker 1: is almost like the Nazis are almost always going I
Speaker 1: have this feeling my whole life that the Nazis are
Speaker 1: about to knock on the door or I'm on LSD
Speaker 1: which I often wasn't college, and my parents are going
Speaker 1: to call from the airport Auntie wore in town. We're
Speaker 1: coming up. And this is what I had as a
Speaker 1: panic my whole life. I didn't realize until therapy. I
Speaker 1: didn't was not able to realize and put it all
Speaker 1: together because my father kept saying all those years. Your
Speaker 1: mother has been a therapy for thirty years, and what
Speaker 1: what did you learn? Nothing? So I had all these
Speaker 1: terrible things against therapy, but once I've got into therapy,
Speaker 1: I could identify that that's what's going on when the
Speaker 1: sounds outside. You know, that's so fascinating. Because you said
Speaker 1: so much in that small sentence. You know, people might go, oh,
Speaker 1: the acid things funny, Oh the Nazi thing, that's funny.
Speaker 1: But when it's really happening in your head, you try
Speaker 1: to joke and you can't necessarily like stop and tell
Speaker 1: everyone what you're thinking. So you, so you are a person,
Speaker 1: comes up with coping mechanisms to tamp it down or
Speaker 1: try to cover it up, or try to change the
Speaker 1: subject in your brain, and it might result in, I
Speaker 1: don't know, shutting down emotionally or telling jokes or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. But when those coping mechanisms hims are things
Speaker 1: we do a lot for our anxiety, then they become
Speaker 1: like part of what we do all the time, and
Speaker 1: then you don't know what possibly therapy could help with
Speaker 1: and what it couldn't because you don't know what's the
Speaker 1: illness and what's you right And also more complicated than that.
Speaker 1: My particular case was that my father, my father was
Speaker 1: my hero. I loved my father. My mother was severe
Speaker 1: and my mom mom mother and father were both dead, dead,
Speaker 1: And I don't say like that casually, uh to get
Speaker 1: a shock value out of them, just saying that no
Speaker 1: one should be concerned, you would be, only you would be.
Speaker 1: Nothing came out about my parents until after they were dead,
Speaker 1: and that's the way it should be. Totally no. But
Speaker 1: I mean, uh, so I'm saying this and I and
Speaker 1: I also I'm resolving all the stuff you do in therapy,
Speaker 1: which is they did in a lot of ways. They
Speaker 1: did absolutely the best they could. But my father was
Speaker 1: the only sunshine because he was so hilarious, the funniest
Speaker 1: person I ever met, funny every day. My mother was severe,
Speaker 1: really severely depressed, and so I did not have a
Speaker 1: mother mirroring situation, or so I'm wondering because I've heard
Speaker 1: Howard Stern talk about this, and I've heard Stephen Colbert
Speaker 1: talk about this. They had very depressed mothers, and being
Speaker 1: funny was not a way to get attention. It was
Speaker 1: to literally cheer their mother up. They felt very responsible
Speaker 1: for their mother's happiness, and they learned the skill of
Speaker 1: being funny. And I'm wondering if that's you or if
Speaker 1: maybe your dad was doing that and that's why he
Speaker 1: was so good at being funny because he had this
Speaker 1: you know person he maybe felt responsible for. I don't
Speaker 1: even think he would consciously know he's doing it. Maybe
Speaker 1: you didn't either, But does that resonate at all? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean he was funny. Um, he was funny. You know.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing that's so amazing that people need to know,
Speaker 1: which is very hard to convey on the show like
Speaker 1: this or in any situation. Right now, I'm feeling a
Speaker 1: lot of ang anxiety and I feel but not like anxiety,
Speaker 1: like a panic attack thing, because I mean many people
Speaker 1: have had pan attacks, have had a similar background with it.
Speaker 1: When I was twenty one or eighteen or nineteen, when
Speaker 1: the first half I literally thought I was gonna die,
Speaker 1: I was on a boss, I was looking around my
Speaker 1: nobody had prepared me for it. Uh, And I had those,
Speaker 1: but mostly and then I've had those have recurred, but
Speaker 1: not as much as the general sense of anxiety all
Speaker 1: the way through, you know, and my father the humor
Speaker 1: must be there or in the family all the way back.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's like you know what, Jed, it's
Speaker 1: probably Jewish and from the Northeast. I really believe that
Speaker 1: it's being part of the press group. Thank god I
Speaker 1: was part of the press group. Yeah. And my father
Speaker 1: was funny and he was so so he was the
Speaker 1: savior of the house and he was in that way.
Speaker 1: But my mother was. I couldn't hear her up because
Speaker 1: she was and my mother has a great says you were.
Speaker 1: I loved my mother and I would bring her into
Speaker 1: my act does to the things she said. But she
Speaker 1: wasn't trying to be funny, like Andy, you live in California,
Speaker 1: how are the fajitas? You know? But she wasn't funny
Speaker 1: on a day to day basis. She was very depressed
Speaker 1: on a day to day basis, especially early in her life,
Speaker 1: when I think, because I talked to my therapist about this,
Speaker 1: that she even almost she was extremely depressed. She was
Speaker 1: thinking she was hearing voices, but I don't think they
Speaker 1: were in her case. I think it wasn't. My Savage
Speaker 1: explained sometimes severe depression can and then later aren't you
Speaker 1: got Parkinson's? And she did hear voices, which everybody does
Speaker 1: on Parkinson's or many people do. She was, but but
Speaker 1: it was it wasn't that cute. As I got older,
Speaker 1: it could be cute making fun of her, and then
Speaker 1: the comedy definitely helped, and being funny helped. But in
Speaker 1: the early childhood it was all my dad for the
Speaker 1: funny stuff. But I wonder if you looked up to
Speaker 1: him and said, like, Wow, that's the man in the
Speaker 1: house who's like trying to help the environment. I'm going
Speaker 1: to emmiline him. I was the youngest too, so I
Speaker 1: was trying to avoid all kinds of problems that my
Speaker 1: brother and just went through. Yeah, well, let's take it
Speaker 1: all back. So I want to start with your diagnosis.
Speaker 1: You said a little while ago, different than panic, but
Speaker 1: you had even anxiety. Now on this podcast, now what
Speaker 1: is why? And what does it feel like and and
Speaker 1: all that. Okay, what it feels like is that you
Speaker 1: hear that right now? You don't, don't, okay, what it is?
Speaker 1: What it is is that here's what I should have done.
Speaker 1: I should have known that on Tuesday or afternoon at
Speaker 1: three they through the trees for the people, and I
Speaker 1: should have called you beforehand, and I should have said
Speaker 1: I have fouled jen and securing a studio. So no,
Speaker 1: I would have said to the podcast anyway, because we
Speaker 1: really can't hear it, and the producers clean up the audio,
Speaker 1: and I'm in a new building and there's like they're
Speaker 1: always drilling. Know, it's fine, you can't hear it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So the the anxiety now is in therapy, in life.
Speaker 1: At every moment, I completely forget what I've just Now
Speaker 1: they've taken out some kind of a mixing tool. They
Speaker 1: are actually banging metal against metal cans out there, and
Speaker 1: I'm almost upset that we can't hear it, because I
Speaker 1: think that would be so funny, but we really can't.
Speaker 1: But the thing is, you know, the good news is
Speaker 1: is that I unlike a normal conversation. You know, I
Speaker 1: have a plan, and I'm i'm I'm steering places, so
Speaker 1: I have I know, you're so great, so great I
Speaker 1: should we should react because I have to remember everything
Speaker 1: you say. You if you have trouble with that, this
Speaker 1: is the one time it doesn't matter. So there's that.
Speaker 1: If that helps. Okay, Okay, that really helped. But my character,
Speaker 1: I'm your pilot, so here we go. Now tell me
Speaker 1: your diagnosis and we'll work back from there, you have
Speaker 1: O c D and what else A D A D. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't really understand. One of the things that I'm
Speaker 1: buying disease is uh, uh or whatever you wanna call it,
Speaker 1: that I um the A D H D uh and
Speaker 1: someone the d h D means that it's not I
Speaker 1: don't know what the hyperactivity stuff means. All I know
Speaker 1: is that I have a serious A d D. So
Speaker 1: I don't know it's like even the fact that they
Speaker 1: introduced the hyperactivity into it. I don't And then my
Speaker 1: mind starts to break down. So I have So I
Speaker 1: have a d H D and I have a really
Speaker 1: bad O c D. And the O c D was
Speaker 1: really really bad. Uh. In my twenties, when I came
Speaker 1: out to l A, I thought I had hit somebody
Speaker 1: in my car, and I would hear the sound and
Speaker 1: then I would drive around the block and then I
Speaker 1: would go, I bet they crawled into the bushes because
Speaker 1: I've hit them, and I look for them. You know.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't get out of the car, but I would
Speaker 1: just ride all day with the horrible fear that I
Speaker 1: killed someone in the car. And it seemed totally crazy. Now,
Speaker 1: can I ask you, how did you actually hit something?
Speaker 1: And or no you you hadn't felt anything hit your car? Right?
Speaker 1: I think it it was like you do hit things
Speaker 1: in the car. You you hit a curb, or you
Speaker 1: hit this or you yeah, okay, I see. So you
Speaker 1: you went in your head and went it was a
Speaker 1: person and now they're dying and it's my fault, right,
Speaker 1: So I like the I put the jokes in my
Speaker 1: act about how you know I would call the police station.
Speaker 1: Has anybody reported that there were tiny people walking around
Speaker 1: the street and that has anyone are there tiny people?
Speaker 1: And have I hit? You? Know? It So funny about
Speaker 1: that though that I want to take apart is you
Speaker 1: I get the feeling. It's so real and it's driving
Speaker 1: you crazy. You're driving around, but you don't get out
Speaker 1: of the car. So it's like something there tells me
Speaker 1: that the person doesn't really think they hit someone, right, No, no, no,
Speaker 1: absolutely right, because that's the other part of it. But
Speaker 1: unlike when someone is h O c D about washing,
Speaker 1: which I don't have my O c D. I didn't
Speaker 1: think it was O c D. I thought it was
Speaker 1: a concern that maybe I hit somebody in the car.
Speaker 1: And even though I knew it was kind of crazy.
Speaker 1: And when I went to a free clinic because that's
Speaker 1: all I could afford. The one it was seventy or
Speaker 1: eight maybe, and she said she it doesn't seem like
Speaker 1: a good time for mental health. I mean, you say
Speaker 1: you didn't start therapy till you were sixty, but you
Speaker 1: probably got into the best time. Except ironically, if that's
Speaker 1: the right use of this. My mother told me for
Speaker 1: what I have. She told me back in I could
Speaker 1: get interesting. But I wasn't listening to her because I
Speaker 1: was still in that crazy That therapy was crazy from
Speaker 1: my father, of course, and how could you not he
Speaker 1: was such a huge influence. And so okay, so you
Speaker 1: go tell someone at the free clinic and they say
Speaker 1: what they say, I don't know what you're saying. I
Speaker 1: have to check with the supervisor. I'm not kidding you.
Speaker 1: They said they had to check with the supervisor. Now,
Speaker 1: they were also a training you know, the free they
Speaker 1: were a training person too. But that's how little anyone
Speaker 1: else heard you say to them. I'm doing this thing.
Speaker 1: I'm driving around, you know, I think I hit someone,
Speaker 1: but I think it's O c D. Did you use
Speaker 1: the term O c D? No, no, no, I don't
Speaker 1: think this term was was. I always get in trouble
Speaker 1: when I tried to claim something because maybe it was
Speaker 1: being used, but there was nothing nobody identified and O
Speaker 1: c D, or if they did, had made its way
Speaker 1: to you yet, and at least this one. It was
Speaker 1: more like your warrior, you're a constant worry you can't
Speaker 1: stop worrying. It was more like that with my they
Speaker 1: used to call me the worry war and the family.
Speaker 1: I used to write letters from camp. When I was
Speaker 1: eight years old. They sent me away a camp for
Speaker 1: two months, which they should have been arrested for. But
Speaker 1: I would send these letters saying, don't forget to pick
Speaker 1: me up. Don't you know you're gonna forget to pick
Speaker 1: me up? So that was based on the fact that
Speaker 1: I knew as from a very very young age, of
Speaker 1: my parents. They were not good with where's our kids?
Speaker 1: You know, we'll be right back. But you know what's
Speaker 1: so interesting about O c D obsessive compulsive disorder. I
Speaker 1: feel like the average person does not realize a compulsion
Speaker 1: means that you mostly cannot control it. You have to
Speaker 1: do it dot dot dot or else another thing you
Speaker 1: believe terrible is going to happen, and you are trying.
Speaker 1: That is your coping mechanism is the compulsion. If I
Speaker 1: don't keep driving around, then blah blah, terrible things. You
Speaker 1: are soothing yourself with the compulsion. And that's what people
Speaker 1: don't understand about mental illnesses. We are taking care of
Speaker 1: ourselves in those moments the best and only way we
Speaker 1: know how. It is a compulsion. That's what makes it
Speaker 1: a disorder that a doctor has to help you with,
Speaker 1: our psychologist has to help you with. As opposed to
Speaker 1: your worrying, you weren't worrying. You were compulsively whatever you
Speaker 1: were doing, right, And that's the downside of the minimizing
Speaker 1: of the disease or and also the downside of the
Speaker 1: fact that everyone is that in a certain way. We're
Speaker 1: all on a continuum. So I do believe everybody has
Speaker 1: a d D parts of their brain, right, everybody has
Speaker 1: quote O c D tendencies. But the danger is if
Speaker 1: you just look at it like, oh, well, I'm mostly
Speaker 1: because people will say that all the time, Oh I'm
Speaker 1: most c D. Two. No you're not. You just like
Speaker 1: to wash a lot, you know, Yeah, you like to
Speaker 1: wash your hands a lot or you organize your pens nicely.
Speaker 1: That's not O C D. O C D is like, uh,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, you're well, I don't have this one, but
Speaker 1: thinking you can never get your hands clean. Although I
Speaker 1: did come to the absolute epiphany the other week that
Speaker 1: I will never think the dishes are clean enough, even
Speaker 1: though I don't compulsively, I'll never think they're clean enough
Speaker 1: no matter what method I use. If I use the
Speaker 1: air dry method, which is supposed to be the method,
Speaker 1: some dart dirt will get on the dishes as their
Speaker 1: air drying. If I use the towel method to dry
Speaker 1: the dishes, that transfers germs onto the plate bother either
Speaker 1: or can you just go so with that? Now? I'm
Speaker 1: letting Now, I'm letting it go because used to be
Speaker 1: I couldn't get out of the feeling until I thought
Speaker 1: I had completed it. I'm getting better, right going, I
Speaker 1: really don't, because my therapist helped me, really when I
Speaker 1: first went to her, really go down the road of
Speaker 1: what could happen? Yes, so like I no longer believe
Speaker 1: that the fact that I've had so many problems getting
Speaker 1: my taxes in even though they owe me money, I
Speaker 1: no longer believe I'm going to go to jail. Because
Speaker 1: of that, That's great. I no longer believe I'm a
Speaker 1: terrible person because you know what's so interesting too, is
Speaker 1: that what you said that that helped me with a
Speaker 1: lot of my anxiety recovery. Go down the rabbit hole
Speaker 1: of what's the worst that could happen? And sometimes you
Speaker 1: do get to a place that's like, well yes sometimes
Speaker 1: you know, for me, if it was fear flying, well yes,
Speaker 1: I could die in a plane crash. And at a
Speaker 1: certain point the psychiatrist I had or had I had
Speaker 1: him for twenty years. He was the one that prescribed medication.
Speaker 1: He's in this like Hawaiian shirt and he has an
Speaker 1: office in Hawaiian went in Pasadena, and he's like the
Speaker 1: sixty five year old guy, white hair, and he's very chill,
Speaker 1: you know, but he is his stuff. But he was
Speaker 1: taking me down the rabbit hole of what's the worst
Speaker 1: that could happen, and he let me go all the
Speaker 1: way to the plane could crash and I could die,
Speaker 1: and he goes in at that point, is the plane's crashing,
Speaker 1: can you think to yourself, I've had a good life.
Speaker 1: And I was like I am painting you for this,
Speaker 1: But he's not He's not wrong, right, Like, Okay, let
Speaker 1: me put it this way. I would guess that upset
Speaker 1: because I don't know a lot about O c D.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna try to guess now that obsessive compulsive
Speaker 1: disordered people think that they're imagining the worst thing that
Speaker 1: could happen, but they're doing it in a weird, disordered
Speaker 1: way that gives them control over the worst thing that
Speaker 1: could possibly happen. But if you really said and went
Speaker 1: and felt the feelings of different outcomes that could happen,
Speaker 1: you can't handle that without professional help. So you haven't
Speaker 1: been doing that right, right, Well, what happens is just
Speaker 1: what what what happens is is that what I didn't
Speaker 1: realize was that when I lost the thread, when it
Speaker 1: became a thought into an obsession, it would cause a
Speaker 1: resulting doom in my stomach that was not real. Just
Speaker 1: like me thinking that when I that that Susan when
Speaker 1: she gives me advice about cleaning, you know, when you
Speaker 1: clean the house game, just that she's saying, she's not
Speaker 1: saying you're a horrible, disgusting pig who is not capable
Speaker 1: of cleaning properly. That's what I'm saying to myself. So
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, once you realize that, just like
Speaker 1: you've been talking on your show that you're uh that
Speaker 1: you may think you're gonna die, but you're not going
Speaker 1: to die. Most likely you're not gonna die. You may
Speaker 1: think you're gonna get arrested, but you're not. And then
Speaker 1: to think that the prison is the compulsion, and that
Speaker 1: when you actually are able to then stop yourself before
Speaker 1: you go down. We call it like popping bubbles from
Speaker 1: my method. Love God, it's a great image too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: comes up? Are you sure you didn't like? Like? The
Speaker 1: thing for me? Since I've been watching True crime is
Speaker 1: I actually believe that I uh, I'm gonna be one
Speaker 1: of these people who searches for how do you how
Speaker 1: was be the best way to kill your life? If
Speaker 1: the poison doesn't work, I've got try killing my life twelve.
Speaker 1: Oh No, that's not what I'm scared of. I'm scared
Speaker 1: of I watched a True crime thing about strangulation, So
Speaker 1: then I google strangulation, right, why would he be googling
Speaker 1: scar of strangulating? That's what I do, and I don't
Speaker 1: stop it. It can go on forever, and I'm able
Speaker 1: to stop it. So so in other words, like you're
Speaker 1: worried that with the FBI or something, they're gonna find
Speaker 1: your search and you're gonna get put in prison for
Speaker 1: the murder of someone you didn't murder kind of thing
Speaker 1: or just that's exactly what it is. It's like, I
Speaker 1: know I didn't murder someone, but why would I? But
Speaker 1: but why am I still talking about it? And and
Speaker 1: so you're gonna So it's almost like because my parents,
Speaker 1: my mom and dad were terrible about you better not
Speaker 1: get in trouble when I was when I was want
Speaker 1: to see hair in New York City and n at
Speaker 1: the age of twelve, I got mugged, held up with
Speaker 1: a knife, hit in the store. I could not call
Speaker 1: my parents. We had to call my friends. Now I
Speaker 1: had a similar thing that parents. You know, I I
Speaker 1: got in trouble a couple of times, and I was
Speaker 1: so afraid to tell my parents because I just don't
Speaker 1: want to deal with the reaction. And it's not like
Speaker 1: they were gonna hit me or something. I just I
Speaker 1: don't know. I was like afraid of conflict or being
Speaker 1: yelled at. And but they were fairly reasonable that they
Speaker 1: were pretty emotionally unhinged if I got in trouble. That's
Speaker 1: why I didn't get in trouble. But what it felt
Speaker 1: like to me at the time was if I can
Speaker 1: guess is probably unconsciously it felt like if I can't
Speaker 1: call them because I did something wrong or got into
Speaker 1: trouble that wasn't even my fault, but you know, maybe
Speaker 1: I could have had my head about me better. Um.
Speaker 1: They only they don't add up the twelve years of
Speaker 1: my life where I wasn't doing that, where I was
Speaker 1: like being awesome. It's like that moment is who I
Speaker 1: am suddenly? Um, instead of I'm I'm basically a good
Speaker 1: kid who's smart, but I fucked. That's similar, That's very similar.
Speaker 1: I think you felt you were raw like I took
Speaker 1: you know, I was. I was thirty years old. I
Speaker 1: dated this woman who was going to Columbia and I
Speaker 1: went and uh someone the car broke down. I called
Speaker 1: my father's screaming at me, how did you? Why did
Speaker 1: you take the car there? What do you do? It's like,
Speaker 1: and that's the and I remember now on therapy, I
Speaker 1: was like, you are thirty when that happened. Yes, what's funny,
Speaker 1: you know, and I love I love my dad, and
Speaker 1: I love even love of course, and of course we
Speaker 1: know they're not listening. I mean, and it's not just
Speaker 1: because they're dead. They probably do have access to podcasts.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know they're in another thank you yeah kidding.
Speaker 1: Oh I think that well, that that got in there, Jed.
Speaker 1: It's so funny though, because I think of my parents
Speaker 1: who were yellers. They're kind of like they remind me
Speaker 1: the Castanzas on Seinfeld. You know, just everything is a
Speaker 1: huge reaction, and and I look at it now and
Speaker 1: I don't take it personally. I go, my god, look
Speaker 1: at their anxiety at handling anything. You know. My dad especially,
Speaker 1: he's kind of hard to hearing. So if he hears
Speaker 1: my mom and I yelling and we're not yelling at
Speaker 1: each other, we're just yelling room to room, like, hey, Mom,
Speaker 1: do you want to watch that show later? He'll go,
Speaker 1: how you guys yeas yelling at each other about and
Speaker 1: he'll start screaming about how we're yelling. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: we're not emotionally yelling, we're talking loud, but you're hard
Speaker 1: of hearing. And it's like, funny, but it really is
Speaker 1: if you want to over analyze it or just analyze it.
Speaker 1: He's he's anxious. He's anxious. I can't hear. Is there
Speaker 1: a problem, you know, whatever? Whatever? Um, he's anxious, not mad,
Speaker 1: you know. And that's where I learned all my life
Speaker 1: skills from, is these people that kind of had anxious
Speaker 1: reactions to things. And I'm still undoing it. But in
Speaker 1: other words, my point is that all these little issues
Speaker 1: that we learned as kids, and all the anxiety comes
Speaker 1: out in our relationships with friends, husband's wife, and it's
Speaker 1: a lot of work. And it's interesting that, like we
Speaker 1: it takes so long to find out what's wrong. Like,
Speaker 1: it's not a conflict you have with authority. If it
Speaker 1: happens at work, it's not necessarily a love issue. If
Speaker 1: it happens in relationships, it's just fucking anxiety either O
Speaker 1: C D eight. You know. So let's get back to
Speaker 1: something you said. You said a thought can turn into
Speaker 1: an obsession. Now I'm assuming before therapy you probably in
Speaker 1: most people would not notice when that's happening. Can you
Speaker 1: notice it now? Can you go, oh, I have to
Speaker 1: stop this thought from becoming an obsession. And if you
Speaker 1: can what do you do? Well, I'll tell you exactly
Speaker 1: what I'll tell you. Luckily, predictably, it's only certain areas
Speaker 1: that it comes up. It. So I'll give you one
Speaker 1: of my big areas. Um give you even the example
Speaker 1: of protect because I don't think it has anything to
Speaker 1: do with our relationship. Julius Wheeney is like very much
Speaker 1: of an atheist, and she's an atheist, and so I'm
Speaker 1: very discussed. I very get very very disgusted by new
Speaker 1: atheism and by and and and have gotten so many
Speaker 1: arguments on line about people. To me, it's like my
Speaker 1: mother was converted to a Quaker. It was the most
Speaker 1: the best thing that she ever did. She didn't like
Speaker 1: being Jewish, and and she got so much out of
Speaker 1: being Quaker. So I I get into this part where
Speaker 1: I'm arguing with Julius Sweeney in my head, not online.
Speaker 1: I've had argued with her before in line or people
Speaker 1: who are It always is like I really respect her,
Speaker 1: She's very talented, and then she has this point of view.
Speaker 1: And then what happens is I realized I'm absolutely playing
Speaker 1: the relationship with my father. Because my father was so
Speaker 1: intelligent and when I was like twelve or thirteen, and
Speaker 1: I I was like into hypnotism or whatever. He was
Speaker 1: like really arguing with me about any beliefs that I had,
Speaker 1: not just in God, but just uh, like in the ability.
Speaker 1: Let's say, uh, you know, you know how like women's
Speaker 1: mimes know when someone died. You know. It's like I
Speaker 1: still think we do know people have that sense they know.
Speaker 1: But my father was so down on that, and I
Speaker 1: took it that to mean that I'm not as smart
Speaker 1: as him, and I'm not smart enough. And if I
Speaker 1: was smarter, I would be an atheist because I was
Speaker 1: accepted that that was the logical thing. All my friends
Speaker 1: were doing it, and uh, and I hate. But on
Speaker 1: the other hand, I hate and so all these people
Speaker 1: who these new atheists and all these people like I'm
Speaker 1: trying to argue with Julie about but it's not Julia anymore.
Speaker 1: It's arguing with my father. It's like when it gets
Speaker 1: to rage inside me, I absolutely know it's my problem.
Speaker 1: And I think that's an area where I've had problems
Speaker 1: online with it. I've had to uh, I had to
Speaker 1: and what I would say, it's like Trulie, it doesn't
Speaker 1: control what I think. My father doesn't control what I think.
Speaker 1: I'm not mad at Julia. I'm mad at my father,
Speaker 1: but I'm not even mad at him. I'm mad at
Speaker 1: what happened, the process of thinking you're stupid. It's just
Speaker 1: like it happens like it's like if you hear something
Speaker 1: like Brett Butler always like or other comics from the South,
Speaker 1: they're always afraid to be perceived is not that as
Speaker 1: not as bright least from the South, which is a
Speaker 1: ridiculous perception, but it affects you. And that the the
Speaker 1: the idea that I'm not quite as smart as these
Speaker 1: eighties brings the rage. And then I realized I have
Speaker 1: to let that go. But what I love is rage.
Speaker 1: Once it becomes rage, you know that it's your problem,
Speaker 1: and a k a that takes it from thought to obsession.
Speaker 1: And then here's the other thing too, Like I really
Speaker 1: do hate Bill Maher. I really do hate a lot
Speaker 1: of the Adam Carolla. I mean, I'm not saying I hate.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go, you know, to war with them,
Speaker 1: but I really hate what they're saying. I hate that
Speaker 1: they're making people, that they're feeding into Islamophobia, and I
Speaker 1: hate all that. So it's not even so it's this
Speaker 1: actually has changed me in terms of how I do
Speaker 1: comedy too, because I used to feel that everything I
Speaker 1: said about these people had to be justified. If I
Speaker 1: hated Louis c K, it had to be justified. So
Speaker 1: I don't want to get to the point where I go, oh, no,
Speaker 1: I like what he's saying. I like that what you know,
Speaker 1: I hate it. But but if I'm online arguing about
Speaker 1: it for three days, which tends to happen, not as
Speaker 1: much anymore. But that's because I believe that unless they change,
Speaker 1: I will be destroyed or I won't be happy. And
Speaker 1: and it's not even like worrying about gay people are
Speaker 1: worrying about Islamophobic people. It's more like getting back into
Speaker 1: that relationship where you feel stupid or you feel like
Speaker 1: another example of my life. And I hate to go
Speaker 1: on on, but there's a part of my life where,
Speaker 1: until I took therapy, I used to think that I
Speaker 1: was a coward because I couldn't fight. And when I
Speaker 1: was in in fourth grade, this kid would say I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be dressed to day at three o'clock, and he
Speaker 1: did this on a subsequent amount of day. So when
Speaker 1: My first jokes came from this was like, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not making an appointment to get my ass kicked.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, like, uh oh, let me
Speaker 1: let me look at I'm getting my strangle to forty five.
Speaker 1: Let's put that back. It's like it was the most
Speaker 1: horrifying feeling in the world. Two know that I couldn't
Speaker 1: fight and would not go to another area. I felt
Speaker 1: nothing but shame about that, Like I wasn't a man.
Speaker 1: That's how ridiculous this was. Until I took therapy, until
Speaker 1: I realized that you're not supposed to fight. And that's
Speaker 1: the fact that I that I watched Billy Jack doesn't
Speaker 1: mean I go up to a guy and go, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take my foot and put it on this
Speaker 1: side of your head. And I mean that's and I
Speaker 1: remembered then that when I was twelve, I had a
Speaker 1: counselor was very abusive, really abusive, and I told my
Speaker 1: father and visiting day about it, and then my father
Speaker 1: said something to the guy like, hey, could you go
Speaker 1: go easy on my son? And then when he left
Speaker 1: the council, Yeah, your father talked to me. He even
Speaker 1: gave me a tip ha ha ha. And what I
Speaker 1: learned from that was that the only solution was to fight,
Speaker 1: which I couldn't do, so I'm doomed or and that
Speaker 1: was because there was no solution, because I had gone
Speaker 1: to the best of what I could do. Tell my
Speaker 1: father about it, and it was hopeless. And I used
Speaker 1: to understand. I used to think the hopeless thing was
Speaker 1: I can't go up to that guy and punch him.
Speaker 1: But then I realized, no, the hopeless thing was thinking.
Speaker 1: And I took sixteen years of taekwondo, which I'm very
Speaker 1: happy I took, but but letting go of the fact
Speaker 1: that you're not supposed to knock on your neighbors your
Speaker 1: neighborhood banging your ceiling, not supposed to go knock on
Speaker 1: his door and go stop banging on my ceiling. And
Speaker 1: I always thought I was a coward for not doing it,
Speaker 1: so what I thought I should be and my image
Speaker 1: of being a small person, everyone's up there and they're
Speaker 1: banging on you. It's became a real part of me,
Speaker 1: you know, and it becomes who you just this like
Speaker 1: side thing you have called O c D or anxiety,
Speaker 1: like you are this shame or this you are it.
Speaker 1: It's so hard, and the desire to overcome it is
Speaker 1: where the pain is. It's not. I used to think
Speaker 1: it was like, well, you don't like it because you
Speaker 1: don't want to get punched in the face. True, we don't.
Speaker 1: We don't want to get punch in the face. But
Speaker 1: since I've let go of the feeling that the solution
Speaker 1: will ever that I'm a coward because I'm not going
Speaker 1: to up the anti on fights and that congratulations Andy
Speaker 1: for doing so well. You know it's changed my life.
Speaker 1: We'll continue the interview on the flip side of a
Speaker 1: quick message from our sponsors back to this whole thing
Speaker 1: with like you know, um Twitter and and and the
Speaker 1: guy at the counselor. It's like, I don't know if
Speaker 1: you relate to this, but I when I'm in my
Speaker 1: anxiety and I don't have O c D, but I
Speaker 1: wonder if this is an O c D tendency, I
Speaker 1: get obsessed with justice and I need it and I
Speaker 1: need it now. And and that's why, you know, Um,
Speaker 1: I I do get into trouble online and I really
Speaker 1: hate when it's whittled down to Jen's fighting with someone
Speaker 1: online or it's like I'm acting out an anxiety disorder
Speaker 1: in front of you all you know, Um, please don't
Speaker 1: reduce it to that's who I am. Don't bring it
Speaker 1: up in interviews with me, like it's not fun. If
Speaker 1: it's happening, if I'm not joking around and messing with someone,
Speaker 1: then I'm acting out an anxiety disorder online. And that
Speaker 1: anxiety disorder is if you only knew me, you would
Speaker 1: stop telling me that I'm a horrible person for speaking
Speaker 1: out against you know, and then you feel like when
Speaker 1: you've acted that online because of your anxiety, that your
Speaker 1: life is over because people have seen you how as
Speaker 1: you are, And that's even more pious for therapy to
Speaker 1: say they don't control it. Uh, the past is the past,
Speaker 1: this idea that no one will ever see me be
Speaker 1: uh unfriendly or And my biggest thing is like, God,
Speaker 1: i got anxious online and reacted badly, but I'm very
Speaker 1: successful at my job. Everyone at work likes me. I
Speaker 1: have great friendships, and I go, well, maybe all that's
Speaker 1: a lie instead of like, no, the internet thing is
Speaker 1: you're a human being, right, but it's thing. I have
Speaker 1: black and white thinking and white where my therapist helped
Speaker 1: me because I was like I don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about Twitter and therapy. But I realized I've had some
Speaker 1: experiences where I was like, you know, I can't stop,
Speaker 1: like when someone's teasing me and I and I'll give
Speaker 1: you an example of teasing for the people listening. I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about someone saying I'm not funny. That's I
Speaker 1: always say. The fact that I'm not selling out stadiums.
Speaker 1: That's how I know most people don't think I'm funny.
Speaker 1: Is it makes sense? Like, yeah, I get it, I've
Speaker 1: accepted that. But but I but I was getting Um,
Speaker 1: you know a lot of times I speak up about
Speaker 1: injustices or feminism or sexism. I speak out against sexism,
Speaker 1: not feminism, and uh, and sometimes people will come down
Speaker 1: on me and and anyway, my point is that I
Speaker 1: was saying to my therapist is I want justice. I
Speaker 1: want my therapist is like Jen, when you reveal yourself
Speaker 1: to the bullies and say please, I'm really nice, it
Speaker 1: makes them want to do it more. No, that's that's
Speaker 1: what they want. They do want that. Well. It's funny though,
Speaker 1: because you know we know this right, like people online
Speaker 1: the average person will say, don't feed the trolls. That's
Speaker 1: what they want and I go no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you're wrong. But then when my therapist says it, it
Speaker 1: hits in my heart where she says, you're making yourself
Speaker 1: a victim and they love a victim. And she goes,
Speaker 1: they like you because you're so open. That is your
Speaker 1: greatest gift, but it's also your biggest downfall. You've got
Speaker 1: to protect it. You can't like you can't, And she's like,
Speaker 1: except like, I'm in the same I'm in the exact
Speaker 1: same book. I think it's great though, because my therapist
Speaker 1: doesn't go, no, no, it's totally normal to do that online.
Speaker 1: She goes, that's not your best self, don't do that.
Speaker 1: That's no good. It's it's dangerous. The whole thing is
Speaker 1: a such a trap. But I love Twitter, I love everything.
Speaker 1: I love Twitter is it's not Twitter is not the problem,
Speaker 1: although it can be the problem, but it's the whole
Speaker 1: idea that you're talking to these people. It's just an
Speaker 1: unnatural way to relate. So it's gonna get that way.
Speaker 1: So this one I wanted to ask you, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: how did you how did you decide to go to therapy?
Speaker 1: I assume things must have been getting unmanageable to where
Speaker 1: you just felt you had no choice. Did Did your
Speaker 1: wife say you got to go to therapy? What happened?
Speaker 1: I think it was probably my father, when my father
Speaker 1: died in two thousand and sixty. It was I think
Speaker 1: it was more like the sense that I was slipping away,
Speaker 1: you know the word. She could tell that I was
Speaker 1: just this whatever it is, arguing with a guy, you know,
Speaker 1: arguing with the as I used to say, I'm agno,
Speaker 1: Why does Razor Blade and Apple have a problem with
Speaker 1: my Why does loves to serial kill six six six
Speaker 1: have a problem with my politics? You know? So I
Speaker 1: was did not realize that all of these things that
Speaker 1: I had fears of because to me, the O c
Speaker 1: D got me to the point where I was frozen
Speaker 1: with things like taxes and old and then I would
Speaker 1: hate myself and I was frozen. And so that's what
Speaker 1: kind of I think that the feeling like I was
Speaker 1: really losing control with social media, losing control with my
Speaker 1: anger and UH and the O c D getting worse.
Speaker 1: And also when I was fifty, I took out a
Speaker 1: roll was changed my life. That was even before that
Speaker 1: changed my life. I was on a plane, I took it.
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, my stomach upset went away, so
Speaker 1: the chest changed. I thought, your stomach is upset when
Speaker 1: it's upset and there's nothing you can do about it.
Speaker 1: That's how little I knew about my body and every
Speaker 1: so so adderall I think started me like to realizing
Speaker 1: it that this thing I suffered from from I was one. Oh.
Speaker 1: The other thing I want to tell you was it
Speaker 1: got better. That particular thing that was what was That's
Speaker 1: what kind of stopped me from going was like the
Speaker 1: hitting somebody in the car got better. It got a
Speaker 1: little better. But so you didn't think of going to there,
Speaker 1: you mean until later in life because yeh, yeah that
Speaker 1: makes sense. Well you know, and now, oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's the greatest thing I've ever done home. It's funny,
Speaker 1: like I totally can see that we're the big like
Speaker 1: the big ticket O c D item that Pete. The
Speaker 1: average person could go, oh, I recognize that as O
Speaker 1: c D. And I'm driving around, I think I hit
Speaker 1: someone once. You're not doing that, I bet it's hard
Speaker 1: to recognize how it's part of who you are and
Speaker 1: it informs a lot of stuff. And you know, also
Speaker 1: my comedy also the comedy like I would make fun
Speaker 1: of Leno or make fun and I'd be war read
Speaker 1: that I would be in controuble and wouldn't get work
Speaker 1: from it. So so then I began to say, I
Speaker 1: have to make the joke mean like I'm changing the world,
Speaker 1: I am fighting Lettoism. And then I realized that that
Speaker 1: that's that black and white, that that no, someone who
Speaker 1: that doesn't always have to get the schmall boopy in
Speaker 1: a joke could be a joke where the laugh comes
Speaker 1: from nothing nobody getting hurt in it. But sometimes people
Speaker 1: get get hurt, and sometimes you feel angry, and sometimes
Speaker 1: you want to make a statement, but when you're just
Speaker 1: not understanding it all and you're just I didn't understand.
Speaker 1: So even doing the speech in Montreal was getting not harder,
Speaker 1: but everything seemed to be accelerating to a thing where
Speaker 1: you I was further away from understanding the root cause,
Speaker 1: which was that I hated myself for I wanted to,
Speaker 1: you know, all these issues we've been talking about, I
Speaker 1: have to convince people about my Islam. Islamophobia is bad
Speaker 1: and uh and so yeah, I think that that's that's
Speaker 1: what really started me off onto getting more into myself.
Speaker 1: I have so much to say about that. It's so fascinating.
Speaker 1: So and I'm going to talk about in the intro
Speaker 1: so people will know when we're talking about, you know that,
Speaker 1: what what you're really known for. Um, we'll talk about
Speaker 1: the Montreal Comedy Festival, I'll talk about the you know
Speaker 1: that you kind of are known for roasting other people
Speaker 1: in the comedy industry. So well, I don't even need
Speaker 1: to explain it right now because they already know because
Speaker 1: I talked about in the intro. But the fact that
Speaker 1: so you're making Leno jokes and you're thinking, you know,
Speaker 1: he could come after me or I could not get
Speaker 1: work because of this, which is not a you know,
Speaker 1: Luis c Kay was even worse. Was even worse because
Speaker 1: before Luis Kay thing happened to him, he was the
Speaker 1: most powerful man in the bit. He was like, it's
Speaker 1: so funny when people say, was he really using power? Oh,
Speaker 1: I guess he was. Since I was scared to death
Speaker 1: of him and his sexual song allegations. You were making
Speaker 1: fun of him, and you made fun of everybody and
Speaker 1: and people. I got a lot of blowback from his
Speaker 1: friends and all this kind of thing because he got
Speaker 1: it's set up and I and I that's maybe thing. Well,
Speaker 1: it has to be more I have to be more right. Well,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm am fascinated by that that you didn't say, Gee,
Speaker 1: I better deliver this in a more of a Don
Speaker 1: Rickles Hey, Hey, I'm kidding. Hey idiot, No, I love you.
Speaker 1: I love you. I'm kidding. Like instead of going, gee,
Speaker 1: I better make it clear I'm kidding, you went the
Speaker 1: other way, which is I have to vilify them and
Speaker 1: sanctify myself. And it's like that's hard to do because
Speaker 1: first of all, there's some people that are just possible
Speaker 1: going to believe it, but also like it gets probably
Speaker 1: less funny, right, Yeah, I guess that's fine. But it's
Speaker 1: like when I did when I was a judge on
Speaker 1: the show UH Last Comic Standing, and I made fun
Speaker 1: of that show for years and years and years I
Speaker 1: was I was scared to go to Montreal because what
Speaker 1: am I gonna do? And so I finally said, I said, look,
Speaker 1: me doing this show, there's nothing I can come up
Speaker 1: would be that better than what you're coming up within
Speaker 1: your head about it. But before that, I was in
Speaker 1: this Artists don't ever do things that they are not
Speaker 1: perfect for them or all of these beliefs, ideas and
Speaker 1: concepts better people. I'm a better person I'm doing. I'm
Speaker 1: making fun of Louis because I'm a better person than him. Well,
Speaker 1: in a lot of the ways, I am basing it
Speaker 1: on my outrage at his horrible behavior. Yes, that's where
Speaker 1: it is coming from. But when it gets to the
Speaker 1: life and death and all this kind of stuff, then
Speaker 1: is where the focus always goes back to myself as
Speaker 1: help my comedy. Tu let's talk about that, because I
Speaker 1: think people listening, I think I do a good crossover
Speaker 1: of comedy fans. You know how you know, the old
Speaker 1: cliche people think they'll be less funny if they get
Speaker 1: more help. And you know, in terms of your O. C. D.
Speaker 1: Being just a part of you, your whole life, and
Speaker 1: it just is how your brain works. It makes a
Speaker 1: lot of your comedy funny because a lot of your
Speaker 1: comedy I'm not explaining me to you, explaining to the audience.
Speaker 1: Is you getting ahead of what the audience might be thinking.
Speaker 1: And it's so funny, but of course that only comes
Speaker 1: from someone with anxiety and it's brilliant. But um so,
Speaker 1: how did go into therapy and and learning new skills
Speaker 1: actually help your comedy. Well, I think I think fun
Speaker 1: on this lot. I think had I again, it's like
Speaker 1: not wanting to change the past. Had I gone to
Speaker 1: therapy when I first started comedy, I think it might
Speaker 1: have been a way harder because I didn't realize again,
Speaker 1: didn't realize this one that was happening two or three
Speaker 1: years into my comedy for a solid I'm not kidding,
Speaker 1: a solid year, I'd be on stage like this, Uh
Speaker 1: do they know I am now holding the microphone with
Speaker 1: the left hand. I'm not saying this. You're not saying this.
Speaker 1: Should I hold it with the right hand? You know?
Speaker 1: And not? I mean I always was saying things that
Speaker 1: were uncomfortable, but not quite understanding that the act would
Speaker 1: generally be addressing just like you do, the reality of
Speaker 1: the situation. I don't want to I sound like one
Speaker 1: of these guys like come to my master class. So
Speaker 1: now you're you're on stage pre therapy and you're really
Speaker 1: narrating in your head. I wonder if they're noticing this.
Speaker 1: I wonder now now post therapy or keep going? So
Speaker 1: I was scared to death when that happened. So if
Speaker 1: I had therapy that I don't know because I was
Speaker 1: informed the fact that I was formed as a comedian.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean I still don't think but if you're
Speaker 1: not going to ever be funny again, it does still
Speaker 1: doesn't mean I don't do the all the O. C
Speaker 1: D things you do. And part of that would be
Speaker 1: like should I bring attention to this? But then you
Speaker 1: realize when you're in therapy and the bringing it. I
Speaker 1: never my style never really changed. It wasn't like, oh
Speaker 1: I went on less tangents. Well, I think you know,
Speaker 1: I get I say this a lot on the show,
Speaker 1: and I'm sorry to the listeners, but I get emails
Speaker 1: from people who say, god, I had anxiety and I
Speaker 1: thought I beat it, and now it's back and they
Speaker 1: hate themselves for it. And it's like, dude, you never
Speaker 1: beat it. It's gonna like be in remission. It's gonna
Speaker 1: come and go. But don't hate yourself for coming back.
Speaker 1: It was always there. It's just sometimes louder, sometimes quieter.
Speaker 1: So so like you said, knowing you could go have
Speaker 1: a horrible set tomorrow, Great, You're not gonna hate yourself,
Speaker 1: you know, right, And I'm also letting go. It's so
Speaker 1: hard to let this go, but letting go of the
Speaker 1: it's a form of narcisism because my mother was really
Speaker 1: a narcissist. But there's a narcissism general narcism that's built
Speaker 1: in to how we look at art and things like
Speaker 1: that that we really it's hard to separate from. I
Speaker 1: want to be everybody to say they love me. I
Speaker 1: want them to love It's so hard to just realize
Speaker 1: that there really is no more. I read b here
Speaker 1: now when I was twenty one, but now I get
Speaker 1: it now more than I've ever gotten because I was
Speaker 1: watching this special on TV with like David Byrne and
Speaker 1: Brian Yo, and Brian you know, was saying he saw
Speaker 1: art as more like gardening. So you're seeing it's growing
Speaker 1: on its own and you're shaping it and it's never
Speaker 1: done and it's literally is all about the process. Now,
Speaker 1: twenty years ago, I go, well, easy, did you dismiss
Speaker 1: anything anyone successful says or what you deem successful because
Speaker 1: you're convinced but that the result you see is why
Speaker 1: they have a perspective and it's not even though all
Speaker 1: these people have had millions of have been miserable, you know,
Speaker 1: you still want to kind of believe. Yeah, but if
Speaker 1: I was a little more famous and people worshiping me
Speaker 1: a little more, it would be better. It just wouldn't.
Speaker 1: And you know, I love what you said about the
Speaker 1: narcissism because I heard a few things that I wanted
Speaker 1: to flag as like, let's talk about narcissism, because I
Speaker 1: think with any anxiety disorder, there's an accidental narcissism where
Speaker 1: we're constantly thinking about ourselves so that we can protect ourselves.
Speaker 1: And so when you were talking about like getting in
Speaker 1: fights online because you might think this comedian you know,
Speaker 1: is islamophobic or sexist, it's not even that you're sitting
Speaker 1: around totally caring about the people that might be affected
Speaker 1: by their hate. That's right, You're actually just I need
Speaker 1: everyone to know I'm right about this and that person
Speaker 1: is bad, and that's like an accidental narcissism. It's not
Speaker 1: from a bad place, but it's like it That's something
Speaker 1: I had to remind myself, was like, when I'm seeking justice,
Speaker 1: it's like what am I actually doing for anyone else?
Speaker 1: And it's like nothing, but you know, but that's how
Speaker 1: you know, like, no, you're not a narcissist in the
Speaker 1: sense of you're a bad person and I'm not either,
Speaker 1: but I can get in a narcissistic loop. Anxiety bites
Speaker 1: will be right back after a quick little message from
Speaker 1: one of our sponsors. So you go to therapy, and
Speaker 1: do you notice, like you you seem to have gotten
Speaker 1: lucky right away, Like you're there, you just went to
Speaker 1: one therapist and she was the right one for you,
Speaker 1: the only therapist to I was just so lucky. I
Speaker 1: was so lucky. And uh and uh, yes, I knew
Speaker 1: I wanted to go to a woman. That part I knew,
Speaker 1: but because you thought that would be more nurturing or
Speaker 1: something or I don't know. I I just think I'm
Speaker 1: under the not so false impression that a woman will
Speaker 1: always be more sophisticated in these area is. But I
Speaker 1: don't know. But it worked out that great and and
Speaker 1: and she's she's so great, and she does like you know,
Speaker 1: she's it's psychoanalysis, so it's like in the Freudian it's
Speaker 1: not loosely in the Freudian thing. So I never thought
Speaker 1: that would help either. I didn't know, you know, I
Speaker 1: had all these things like, oh, I gotta know I
Speaker 1: have to go and maybe one day, well, I have
Speaker 1: to go take LSD and go through a guided thing
Speaker 1: because I do want to correct things that happen in
Speaker 1: my college where I thought I was going crazy from LSD,
Speaker 1: which turns out without a guide to help you through it,
Speaker 1: that's kind of what you are going through, you are
Speaker 1: going a little bit crazy. But so I have all
Speaker 1: these things I want to do. I don't know why
Speaker 1: I got off into that. I'm sorry, but I'm never
Speaker 1: gonna be perfect, and I'm never gonna be in the
Speaker 1: desire to be perfect, and the I have to really
Speaker 1: watch the part of me that wants to yell at
Speaker 1: myself because my yelling at myself and it only makes
Speaker 1: it worse for everyone around you. And I don't mean you,
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about in general. But when we do
Speaker 1: these things that are hurting ourselves, it is that like
Speaker 1: it's not it's too much, you know, it's too extra.
Speaker 1: As the kids say, it's it harms other people around
Speaker 1: It makes them feel less seen. Now they don't think
Speaker 1: that you have any ability to hold space for them
Speaker 1: in their problem. You know. It's just really a snake
Speaker 1: eating its tail. It's like, oh, I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be that person. It's a lot. This is what I
Speaker 1: wanted to tell you, that that where your O c
Speaker 1: D and my tiny occasional O c D tendencies do
Speaker 1: not match up. I don't like true crime murder stuff.
Speaker 1: I can't watch it. I can't watch anything where anyone's murdered.
Speaker 1: And people always go, oh, no, it's not violent, and
Speaker 1: don't worry, you live in a safe building. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about being murdered. I'm worried that if
Speaker 1: I learned too much about a murderer's brain, I will
Speaker 1: become a murderer. And I used to have a joke
Speaker 1: about it in my act, and I don't even know
Speaker 1: what's funny about it now because I don't remember the
Speaker 1: punch lines, but I remember the gist, which is, if
Speaker 1: I learned too much about the mind of a murderer,
Speaker 1: I could become one and I could murder, which would
Speaker 1: be fine, sane. If I snapped and went insane and
Speaker 1: murdered and stayed insane, that would be fine. But what
Speaker 1: if I snapped back and really regretted it. I would
Speaker 1: hate that feeling and I couldn't live with myself. So
Speaker 1: I just want to pretend that that stuff doesn't exist. Well,
Speaker 1: the stuff on the murder stuff, like I was, I've
Speaker 1: talked about this a lot of that when I was
Speaker 1: a little kid. Uh and and religious school to show
Speaker 1: the Holocaust stuff at two year old age for me,
Speaker 1: and so it just piles of bodies and it was
Speaker 1: just it was just I don't like any of the
Speaker 1: true crime stuff, for it's like buried in your backyard
Speaker 1: and let's show you what you look like after you
Speaker 1: deteriorated for four years. That's not what I like. I
Speaker 1: get off, not get off. I love like when you
Speaker 1: find out a serial when you when they start to
Speaker 1: put the mind of a serial killer together, you start
Speaker 1: to see how on a little level, ego like in
Speaker 1: other words, the ego that could cause you that kills
Speaker 1: really thinking the only way I will be worthwhile, as
Speaker 1: if I'm famous from killing somebody. But all of that's
Speaker 1: in that's in that in us, All of that ego
Speaker 1: is in us. So for me, I love it as
Speaker 1: a lesson, a lesson about where your own mind could
Speaker 1: go without the worrying about being a serial killer. But
Speaker 1: uh and also I I I love the psychological parts,
Speaker 1: but they don't separate. They are not going to tell
Speaker 1: you what kind they're gonna watch. You may not be
Speaker 1: able to get from the name buried in the back yard. See,
Speaker 1: I'm not even willing to turn anything on and and
Speaker 1: see what kind of whatever it is. Alright, So Andy,
Speaker 1: here you are O c D, your anxiety disorder, your
Speaker 1: panic attacks. How are you like, how are you looking
Speaker 1: forward to the future? How are you looking forward to
Speaker 1: I don't know even this year, let's say where the
Speaker 1: pandemics reagon. I know you've been very careful. Um do
Speaker 1: you find that this was a good year for you
Speaker 1: to kind of like get to I don't know, the
Speaker 1: reset is not the word, but just kind of have
Speaker 1: permission to stay in Like I kind of felt that
Speaker 1: way last year, Like I'm glad I permission to slow down.
Speaker 1: I am exactly agreement with you. I really do believe
Speaker 1: that so much of my pain in life comes from
Speaker 1: speeding up, just going too fast, just going too fast.
Speaker 1: When I go too fast, I literally don't know what
Speaker 1: I'm doing. So let's you know, uh, it can be
Speaker 1: spilling coffee to going down there. So I feel like
Speaker 1: maybe it's aging whatever I've really gotten over the ambition thing,
Speaker 1: which I can't think I got over even fifteen years ago.
Speaker 1: I'm over it and I'm into the I wouldn't mind
Speaker 1: going shopping for plumbing supplies with my wife. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: excited about the garden she's putting out that. I mean,
Speaker 1: it sounds like it sounds like I'm making it up,
Speaker 1: but I really have this, like I want soup. We're
Speaker 1: gonna have soup today, and I think that is the
Speaker 1: advantage of this climate that's been happening out. But I
Speaker 1: also wanted to let you know I'm also some people
Speaker 1: would would knows this, this this kind show. I'm most
Speaker 1: want prozac, which has saved my life in many many ways.
Speaker 1: The pro jac is very good. I'm not saying you
Speaker 1: have to be on it, but for is interesting lifesaver,
Speaker 1: a lifesaver for me. You seem to really get a
Speaker 1: lot from cognitive tools. Just listening to your show, it's
Speaker 1: not it's like you don't say to yourself, I don't
Speaker 1: want to hold my breath for four, let it out
Speaker 1: and eight. You know you like you're a lot of
Speaker 1: people are closed to that. Just that. Yeah, I'm very lucky.
Speaker 1: You seem to have a very curious and I was
Speaker 1: always like stubborn. I used to, you know, my anxiety
Speaker 1: and panic used to be an identity and I was
Speaker 1: very much like that can't help me. And I didn't
Speaker 1: realize that that was a form of narcissism. And so
Speaker 1: now that I'm like not unique and I have, you know,
Speaker 1: things that everyone can have, it's so much better and
Speaker 1: I'm just so curious and I want to It's just
Speaker 1: it's this kind of stuff excites me. Like I'm with
Speaker 1: you on the ambition thing. I don't even feel like
Speaker 1: doing comedy, where like doing this. I like reading books,
Speaker 1: I like just relaxing and and like you said, with
Speaker 1: the absence of anxiety, I can be in the moment
Speaker 1: for the first time in my life. And even though
Speaker 1: I've been in therapy a long time, I didn't really
Speaker 1: know what to work on until maybe seven years ago
Speaker 1: when I turned forties. So um, you know, as someone
Speaker 1: who's been in it since they were in their twenties,
Speaker 1: it didn't really do anything until I saw how it
Speaker 1: was really messing up certain things in my life. It
Speaker 1: has to be the right relationship to just it. Just
Speaker 1: it's very strange. It it's hard, you know, I think
Speaker 1: you'd appreciate this, and I and then we'll end after this. Uh,
Speaker 1: I had a therapist who thought I was anti Semitic.
Speaker 1: It was such an Andy Kindler scene. So picture that.
Speaker 1: It's I'm just a young twenties something comedians starting out
Speaker 1: in New York City and i have a day job
Speaker 1: at a real place. I'm like the assistant to the
Speaker 1: president of the company. And he had this big meeting
Speaker 1: with a woman named Judith, and he was like, don't
Speaker 1: forget at two o'clock, you have to call and connect
Speaker 1: me to Judith. And he had said it like every
Speaker 1: ten minutes that day. And I had therapy from one
Speaker 1: to two, and usually we ended at so I could
Speaker 1: run up the street back to work. So here I
Speaker 1: am sitting in therapy and I'm so in the moment
Speaker 1: that i don't realize it's about like we went over
Speaker 1: and it's like five minutes to two, and I'm like
Speaker 1: not going to be able to connect the call to
Speaker 1: to my boss and Judith, and I'm gonna get in trouble.
Speaker 1: And that's all I'm thinking about. So I'm writing the
Speaker 1: therapist the check from my check book, and her name
Speaker 1: was like Dr Shirley Smith, and I wrote Dr Judith Something,
Speaker 1: and she takes the check and she goes Judith as
Speaker 1: in Jewish and I said no, she goes because I
Speaker 1: am Jewish and I said yeah, okay, and she's like
Speaker 1: it was very subconscious anti semitism um because my last
Speaker 1: name is you know, it's like Goldberg or something. I
Speaker 1: was like, no, I'm thinking about Judith this call. I
Speaker 1: have to connect right now. She was like, I don't
Speaker 1: have time to get into it, but just look at that.
Speaker 1: And I was like, Oh, that's the work, that's the
Speaker 1: word story. And then I went back to her one
Speaker 1: more time and she fell asleep during my session. And
Speaker 1: then when I said I'm just worried I'm not going
Speaker 1: to make it in comedy, she said to me, well,
Speaker 1: are you friends with Robin Williams? And I said no,
Speaker 1: and she said you probably won't then, and I was
Speaker 1: like what She knew nothing about the business. She just thought,
Speaker 1: is Robin Williams someone that could help you? I go, well,
Speaker 1: I don't know him. She goes, You're not friends with him?
Speaker 1: I go no. She goes, but you're a comedian. I go, well,
Speaker 1: I'm starting out and she goes, well, I would think
Speaker 1: it's all about who you know, and if if you
Speaker 1: haven't made it by now, and you don't know Robin Williams.
Speaker 1: I mean, maybe you should look at other things. And
Speaker 1: I was like, this woman's crazy, and then she fell
Speaker 1: asleep later in the stud How long your sessions? That
Speaker 1: was the last one. That was the last one. I
Speaker 1: can't believe I came back after she accused me of
Speaker 1: being an anti Semitic, But I think so I could
Speaker 1: explain that I wasn't. But well, also, you should tell
Speaker 1: people that you just spelled Judith j okay. I that's
Speaker 1: I told you that that's what you thought it was.
Speaker 1: I hope it just andy. Because this is not normally
Speaker 1: comedy podcast. I'd say we're kidding, just in case the
Speaker 1: audience is like, did she also I'm Jewish? So come on?
Speaker 1: Would you have me on? No, you're my cover for
Speaker 1: my anti semitism. So let's say you're looking forward to
Speaker 1: the future. What can you tell us you're excited about
Speaker 1: in your journey of getting healthier. It's a weird way
Speaker 1: to end it, but I want you to inspire people
Speaker 1: right now. People that person listening goes, I can't be
Speaker 1: helped with my O C d Well, I'll give a
Speaker 1: couple of things. I have become a walker, as I mentioned,
Speaker 1: maybe I mentioned that I walk and it's changed my life,
Speaker 1: and so I want to do more walking. I want
Speaker 1: to do more slowing down and I want to do more.
Speaker 1: Here's the main thing. When I was eighteen and I
Speaker 1: was in college, I did the show called Mad Dog Blues,
Speaker 1: which was Sam Shepard play and it was like a
Speaker 1: really important thing in my life. It was so emotional.
Speaker 1: And he had a song called Home, and I wrote
Speaker 1: the I wrote the music to it because it's a
Speaker 1: whole long story, but anyway, I always used to have
Speaker 1: the feeling that I was I wanted to return to home.
Speaker 1: That was like my theme artistically since I could first
Speaker 1: write songs. And now at age sixty five, I realized,
Speaker 1: without being cliche, like what every like, the home is
Speaker 1: where you are, The home is right here, and that
Speaker 1: feeling of home is your relationships. So when I used
Speaker 1: to come home, because I told Susan this all the time,
Speaker 1: I would come home to this apartment and I would
Speaker 1: get depressed all the time until I realized that that's
Speaker 1: what I was doing. When I was a kid, I
Speaker 1: thought it was gonna be depressing, and if you don't
Speaker 1: know that then you just think, oh, when you go home,
Speaker 1: it's a fact that your stomach starts to sink. Wow.
Speaker 1: So um home is so I had this image of it,
Speaker 1: which is like a straight up and down. And that's
Speaker 1: my feeling about God, and that's my feeling about a
Speaker 1: lot of things. Is like, if you really are in
Speaker 1: the moment, all those fears you have are the problems.
Speaker 1: Like you're worried about how are you gonna die? Because
Speaker 1: I always told the story I was five years old,
Speaker 1: I thought I was gonna die, as a true story,
Speaker 1: and my mother didn't hear. Mom. Mom, I had some fever, mom,
Speaker 1: and I thought I was gonna die. And I got
Speaker 1: the greatest feeling of peace that came over me. Wow.
Speaker 1: So I I think that being in the moment is
Speaker 1: Even though that's the book I read be Here Now
Speaker 1: when I was twenty one, it still comes back to that.
Speaker 1: I love it like you are home. I love this
Speaker 1: for you, your home and yourself. You've got your own
Speaker 1: thoughts and opinions. You're not worried about getting in trouble.
Speaker 1: I just love your journey. I mean I've been I'm
Speaker 1: so excited for you, and I feel that deeply for
Speaker 1: you your home. You're comfortable in yourself enough to be
Speaker 1: okay when you're not comfortable in yourself exactly right, exactly,
Speaker 1: and when you can really say yourself everything I need
Speaker 1: to be happy, I have and believe it. That's pretty cool.
Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed my talk with Andy. I love
Speaker 1: how this episode went. It was I'm so frenetic and
Speaker 1: silly up front, but I really loved the ending where
Speaker 1: Andy City feels like he's home. I didn't even know
Speaker 1: he felt that way. Uh so it was. It made
Speaker 1: me feel emotional, like I just love hearing that people
Speaker 1: can get recovery at any stage of their life, and
Speaker 1: you know that whatever you're suffering from is probably not
Speaker 1: unique to you, thank God, and so there is someone
Speaker 1: out there who can help you. And I have just
Speaker 1: a few takeaways from Andy's episode. But you know, O
Speaker 1: c D gets thrown around a lot of em O
Speaker 1: c D about this O c D about that it
Speaker 1: does not mean someone who's just washing their hands or
Speaker 1: doesn't want to get COVID. People with o c D
Speaker 1: are actually having a compulsion to do something in order
Speaker 1: to sell soothe. Some people with O c D can
Speaker 1: just dismiss it as Oh, I'm just a worrier, but
Speaker 1: a therapist canna helps someone with o c D go
Speaker 1: down the road in their mind the worst thing that
Speaker 1: they're worried could happen in order to see that it's
Speaker 1: either an unfounded worry or that they could actually handle
Speaker 1: the worst thing. Andy's therapist caused stopping the compulsive thought
Speaker 1: before you take any action, popping bubbles and you talked
Speaker 1: about sometimes when he's feeling rage for no reason or
Speaker 1: about something, he has to take a look and say,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, when this emotion starts coming up, this
Speaker 1: really isn't about the other person, is it? This is
Speaker 1: about me? What's going on with me right now? Obviously,
Speaker 1: getting the right talk, therapist and medication can make a
Speaker 1: big difference in living with o c D. The book
Speaker 1: be Here Now helped Andy with acceptance and staying in
Speaker 1: the moment. And the biggest takeaway I got is that
Speaker 1: home is where you are in your heart. So thank
Speaker 1: you for listening to another episode of Anxiety Bites. Anything
Speaker 1: that you want to get or learn more about Andy
Speaker 1: is in the show notes. The link is in the
Speaker 1: show notes if you want to send an email to
Speaker 1: the show about what you do for your anxiety, if
Speaker 1: you want to help inspire others, If you have any questions,
Speaker 1: any comments, Anxiety Bites weekly at gmail dot com, and
Speaker 1: as always, thanks for listening Anxiety Bites, but You're in control.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from My Heart Radio, visit the I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows,