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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. What's up you, guys.

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Speaker 2: It's Kelly and this is a Taker Toss episode if

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Speaker 2: you are new to the podcast or new to take

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Speaker 2: Her Toss. Basically, take er Toss is a time where

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Speaker 2: I come on the podcast in a solo episode and

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Speaker 2: I either answer a listener question from our voicemail or

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Speaker 2: talk about something that has been going on in my

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Speaker 2: life that I think you guys might relate to or

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Speaker 2: could be a connecting piece for all of us, something

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Speaker 2: that we're all going through at the same time. And

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Speaker 2: this one actually happens to be a little bit of both.

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Speaker 2: So I'm going to play the voicemail for you. It

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Speaker 2: is about midlife crisis, but if you are not midlife,

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Speaker 2: this can also work for any sort of moment of

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Speaker 2: breakdown slash crisis, slash transition, slash later life, early life,

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Speaker 2: all the things. Here's a voicemail.

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Speaker 3: I'm in my mid forties, I'm successful in my career,

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Speaker 3: I'm able to provide a certain standard of living for

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Speaker 3: my family, and I want to fucking blow it all up.

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Speaker 3: I feel stuck. I feel like we are in the

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Speaker 3: middle and nothing is exceptional, and I'm dragging myself out

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Speaker 3: of bed every day to go to a job that's

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Speaker 3: not feeding my heart or soul, to create experiences for

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Speaker 3: my children and my partner that we hope are creating memories,

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Speaker 3: but I'm not really even present for because I'm so

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Speaker 3: over it all. It makes me question whether we should

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Speaker 3: have lived this long or why we have to work

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Speaker 3: for the next twenty years just to be miserable and

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Speaker 3: stuck in the middle. And the midlife crisis thing feels very,

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Speaker 3: very real, and it makes me have empathy for the

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Speaker 3: people decide to blow it all up or get a divorce,

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Speaker 3: or buy a sports car or take pills.

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Speaker 2: All right, So, as I said, I think this is

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Speaker 2: such a relatable topic, and again, if you aren't in

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Speaker 2: mid life, I think for me specifically, a lot of

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Speaker 2: my moments of crisis have happened in my thirties, so

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Speaker 2: that's not even quite midlife yet. But I do know

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Speaker 2: that in listening to this, the main thing that came

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Speaker 2: to mind was something I learned in the last breakdown

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Speaker 2: that I had and I talked about that actually a

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Speaker 2: couple weeks ago or no, that was last week on

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Speaker 2: the podcast and the pause and the things that I

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Speaker 2: learned from just stopping for a second. So first things first,

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Speaker 2: I want to say, I don't think that your life

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Speaker 2: is over, that you have to go blow up your life.

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Speaker 2: I would say maybe try some of these things first,

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Speaker 2: And mainly, the biggest suggestion that I can give in

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Speaker 2: this moment is to reconnect with self. And I know

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Speaker 2: that is so frustrating. Actually, I think all the tips

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Speaker 2: I'm going to give you today are going to be

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Speaker 2: really fucking frustrating if you're currently going through a crisis,

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Speaker 2: because when you're in the crisis, you want to act

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Speaker 2: out right, Like we all want to act impulsively and

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Speaker 2: we want to scratch that itch and we want to

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Speaker 2: feel better immediately. But what I would say, if you can,

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Speaker 2: and if you're listening to this podcast and maybe you're

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Speaker 2: just like I want to blow up my life, but

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Speaker 2: I know somewhere inside that's probably not the right thing

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Speaker 2: to do and I'll regret it later, try a couple

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Speaker 2: of these things, and mostly try to take a beat

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Speaker 2: for just a second to figure out you, because that's

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Speaker 2: what's missing here to me. You know, I think that

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Speaker 2: we all have been exposed to a lot of programming,

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Speaker 2: and this is really no one's fault. It's kind of

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Speaker 2: just the way that our world has been set up previously.

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Speaker 2: But I know, for me in my late thirties, one

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Speaker 2: of the biggest pressures that I felt was the time

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Speaker 2: clock of ticking, like ticking away with me having kids.

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Speaker 2: And it's like, you go to the fucking guano at

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Speaker 2: thirty five and they're like, well, are you thinking about kids,

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Speaker 2: because you're gonna have a geriatric pregnancy at this point,

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Speaker 2: and it feels very doomsday, right, And so I was

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Speaker 2: at this place in my life where I wasn't even

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Speaker 2: in a relationship at that moment. I was working insane

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Speaker 2: hours and was very career focused. But I didn't want

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Speaker 2: the option to be taken away because what if I

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Speaker 2: looked back and later thought, well, shit, I do want kids,

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Speaker 2: even though in that moment I wasn't feeling like that

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Speaker 2: was the right thing for me. And so I started

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Speaker 2: taking the steps. I think that's the very responsible thing

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Speaker 2: to do. I always encourage women to go check out

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Speaker 2: your fertility, do the egg freezing thing if that's what

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Speaker 2: you feel led to do, And that's what I was

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Speaker 2: doing to cover my basis, but I really never checked

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Speaker 2: in with myself on what I actually wanted for my

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Speaker 2: life or what I wanted for my life at that point,

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Speaker 2: and what I was actually operating on was what I

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Speaker 2: thought I should do to have a successful life based

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Speaker 2: on what I didn't really even and know had been

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Speaker 2: programmed into me, but just it had been based on

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Speaker 2: the world that I lived in and sought, you know,

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Speaker 2: growing up, and the schools that I went to, the churches,

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Speaker 2: all the things, and it's like, oh, right, they map

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Speaker 2: it out for you, right, they give you this guide book.

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Speaker 2: And let's be honest, as adults, we are all literally

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Speaker 2: flying by the seat of our pants at all times.

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Speaker 2: No one knows what the fuck they're doing. So if

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Speaker 2: someone's going to give you a guidebook, it seems like

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Speaker 2: the right thing to do, to follow it. It feels

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Speaker 2: like the safe thing to do. But what if that's

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Speaker 2: not really what your soul is here to do. That's

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Speaker 2: where the problem comes in. So I think it's common

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Speaker 2: that this happens in mid life because we build this

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Speaker 2: life that we think should make us happy. Then we

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Speaker 2: get all the things that we think we should want,

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Speaker 2: and they work out and we have them and it's like,

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Speaker 2: and this is it, that's it. But what's missing here

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Speaker 2: is your relationship with you. So let's get to that.

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Speaker 2: Really getting to know yourself, I think is kind of

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Speaker 2: the most important thing here. And I think for a

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Speaker 2: lot of people who have kids, especially especially the young ones,

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Speaker 2: or if you're coming out of that stage finally, like

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Speaker 2: you really haven't had the option to spend a lot

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Speaker 2: of time with yourself because it's busy, right, it's demanding.

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Speaker 2: You have to focus. You're trying to keep other humans alive, Like,

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Speaker 2: that's a huge responsibility. So these tips that I might

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Speaker 2: give you in that moment might seem frustrating, But if

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Speaker 2: you're feeling unsatisfied or antsy or like you want to

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Speaker 2: blow it all up, maybe it's time to actually pay

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Speaker 2: attention to what the feelings that you're feeling are trying

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Speaker 2: to tell you. So one of the main ways that

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Speaker 2: I understand start understanding my feelings is to write them down.

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Speaker 2: I know, I said it. I just told you to

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Speaker 2: fucking journal. I know I want to punch me too.

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Speaker 2: But the thing about writing stuff down is, well, first

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Speaker 2: of all, let's talk about how you do it.

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Speaker 1: For me.

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Speaker 2: I have to go in a separate room from anyone

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Speaker 2: else the door. It has to be isolated or I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to be able to get to my truth.

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Speaker 2: I also have to pull up the notes app on

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Speaker 2: my computer and know that it's a note that I

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Speaker 2: can make private, like I can lock the note. It

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Speaker 2: has to have a passcode, because I don't want anyone

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Speaker 2: else to be able to read those thoughts, first of all,

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Speaker 2: because it's just a verbal vomit. But second of all,

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Speaker 2: they're not all true. They're just feelings, and feelings aren't facts,

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Speaker 2: as anyone who's gone to therapy has ever learned so,

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Speaker 2: but it is important to get them out of your body.

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Speaker 2: So go in the private space, open up your notes app,

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Speaker 2: make it a private note, set a passcode, and then

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Speaker 2: just start to write. Don't filter yourself. Don't go back

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Speaker 2: and delete things because you're embarrassed that you saw them

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Speaker 2: on paper, or you're like, oh, I shouldn't say that.

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Speaker 2: Say it all. Get it out of your body. It's

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Speaker 2: so important to just purge, like I really feel that.

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Speaker 2: It's like a physical release of those emotions from your body.

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Speaker 2: Maybe it'll make you cry. That's fucking great. If it

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Speaker 2: makes you cry, that's a bigger release, but maybe it'll

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Speaker 2: also bring you to you and to your truth. And

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Speaker 2: when I'm writing and I'm just like letting myself say

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Speaker 2: all the things I have been keeping inside. First of all,

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Speaker 2: I can see my truth, and then second of all,

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Speaker 2: I can see all the untruths. Like when the feelings

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Speaker 2: are swirling in my head, I can get so lost

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Speaker 2: in them and they can seem so true, Like I

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Speaker 2: can be making up stories about why someone else is

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Speaker 2: doing what they're doing, and then I start writing it

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Speaker 2: on paper and I look at it and I reread

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Speaker 2: it when I get to that point and I think,

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Speaker 2: to myself, that is literally not reality. That is such

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Speaker 2: a made up story about what this situation is, and

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Speaker 2: it's such a projection, usually of my own fear or

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Speaker 2: you know, worries from past situations or whatever, and it's

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Speaker 2: not actually what's happening in the moment. But you won't

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Speaker 2: know that until you can actually see it written down.

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Speaker 2: So you got to write it down. You've got to

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Speaker 2: have no filter, and then go back and reread it

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Speaker 2: with a clear lens once you've gotten through the purging,

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Speaker 2: once you've cried or whatever. Maybe you don't do that,

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Speaker 2: but if if you did. Whatever those big emotions are,

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Speaker 2: when you get to a calmer place, go back and

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Speaker 2: read it and see what feels true, and then see

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Speaker 2: what feels not true. And then after you read I

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Speaker 2: guess The second tip I would say is really getting

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Speaker 2: to a place of peace with life is always going

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Speaker 2: to be changing. So except that things may need to change,

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Speaker 2: I think the older we get, the more we take on,

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Speaker 2: the more responsibilities we have, the more bills we have

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Speaker 2: to pay. And it is really easy to feel stuck

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Speaker 2: in a life that you don't even recognize anymore. But

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Speaker 2: you're never stuck. And it is true what they say

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Speaker 2: that life is this constant evolution. The only thing constant

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Speaker 2: in life is change. So in oh, there's the other quote,

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Speaker 2: it's if you're not growing, you're dying, right, And so

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Speaker 2: like the thought of even that you should wake up

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Speaker 2: every day and just be happy with the way things

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Speaker 2: worked five years ago, you know, like that is just

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Speaker 2: not realistic because you're probably a different person. So accepting

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Speaker 2: that things may need to change, or you know, accepting

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Speaker 2: your own feelings about certain things that maybe what was

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Speaker 2: working for you even a year ago does it work anymore?

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Speaker 2: And you're not happy it's okay, give yourself the grace,

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Speaker 2: let yourself off the hook, and know that if you're

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Speaker 2: feeling those feelings, they're here for a reason. It's just

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Speaker 2: your higher self, the universe, God, your higher power whatever

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Speaker 2: you call it or identify with speaking to you and

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Speaker 2: saying probably trying to nudge you in a direction of like, okay,

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Speaker 2: next up, Now where are we going to go after this?

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Speaker 2: So I just kind of piggybacked into the next one

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Speaker 2: when I said the next step. But one thing my

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Speaker 2: parents have really taught me is that life really isn't

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Speaker 2: black and white like I want it to be. And

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Speaker 2: I've really fought this one because things seem to feel

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Speaker 2: safer to me if I can make them one or

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Speaker 2: the other. But the reality is most situations, most people,

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Speaker 2: most circumstances, they really do exist in the gray. There's

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Speaker 2: the and, but there's you know, the the both can

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Speaker 2: be true at the same time statements, and if you

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Speaker 2: try to make it black and white, it is never

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Speaker 2: going to work out. So with that, there's not this

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Speaker 2: big bold step that you could take to immediately feel better.

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Speaker 2: I know it feels that way when you're in a crisis,

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Speaker 2: like when I was in my crisis. I thought a

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Speaker 2: part of mine was during COVID, so I was having

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Speaker 2: all these jobs kind of like fall away, and I thought,

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Speaker 2: oh my god, well if I just figure out what

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Speaker 2: the new business is going to be, because I wasn't

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Speaker 2: sure if my other ones were going to come back,

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Speaker 2: then I'll feel better. But that was so overwhelming, and

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Speaker 2: that was such a big undertaking that I couldn't do it.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't even function to think about it, especially when

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Speaker 2: I was in a crisis mode, like you can't see

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Speaker 2: clearly to save your life. So what I learned was

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Speaker 2: taking the next right step and kind of existing in

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Speaker 2: the gray, like learning to get uncomfortable in that middle

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Speaker 2: ground of between where I was and where I'm going

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Speaker 2: is the best solution for me when I can look

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Speaker 2: at Okay, in this moment, I'm feeling I don't know

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Speaker 2: that it, or I'm feeling antsy, or I'm feeling like

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Speaker 2: i want to pick a fight with my partner for

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Speaker 2: no reason, Like what is the actual next right step

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Speaker 2: that you can take? First of all, maybe this is

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Speaker 2: something you learned when you wrote it all down, Like

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Speaker 2: I'm feeling angry because my boundaries were crossed, So like

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Speaker 2: take the next right step. There set a different boundary.

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Speaker 2: I'm feeling really irritable with my kids because I'm really

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Speaker 2: fucking tired. I'm feeling abandoned by my husband and like

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Speaker 2: he sucks, and I want to go have an affair

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Speaker 2: because I'm really lonely, and maybe taking a step to

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Speaker 2: reconnect with your husband, or have some time away from

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Speaker 2: the kids, even focus on a hobby instead of the

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Speaker 2: job you don't like to do eight hours a day

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Speaker 2: or something like that. You know what I'm saying. Just

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Speaker 2: taking these next steps that ends up building. If you

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Speaker 2: keep taking next right steps, it ends up building into

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Speaker 2: the big step. So the solution might not be very

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Speaker 2: obvious to you in the moment, but just take the

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Speaker 2: next right step, all right. I already kind of touched

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Speaker 2: on this one at the beginning of about the importance

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Speaker 2: of developing a relationship with yourself. And honestly, if you

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Speaker 2: had told me that a couple years ago, I might

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Speaker 2: have rolled my eyes or something like, well, I know myself,

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Speaker 2: but do you like? Do you actually? And part of

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Speaker 2: the reason that I would even just keep harping on

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Speaker 2: this is because it's half of the reason that I

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Speaker 2: do the podcast that I do that I have the

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Speaker 2: guest one that I have because I just feel like

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Speaker 2: so many of us are wondering around this world clueless,

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Speaker 2: Like we're just clueless about what to do, how to

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Speaker 2: be an adult, who we are, where to go to

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Speaker 2: find out, and so we just start chasing. We chase

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Speaker 2: the things. We chase, the person we chase, the relationship,

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Speaker 2: the job, the success, the money, all of the things

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Speaker 2: that we think should make us happy. And in the meantime,

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Speaker 2: we're giving all of our power away to all of

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Speaker 2: these things outside of us, and we're missing the whole

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Speaker 2: point of turning it backwards and going in and really

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Speaker 2: like asking yourself the questions that I said to ask

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Speaker 2: when you're right, like why is this happening? Who the

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Speaker 2: fuck am I? Why am I wired this way? Like

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Speaker 2: I've told you guys, I did not want to be

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Speaker 2: a sensitive human. It has been something I've tried to

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Speaker 2: fight my whole life. Like you feel like too much,

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Speaker 2: you feel overwhelmed with your own feelings. I feel so

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Speaker 2: overwhelmed still to this day. I'm having to work on

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Speaker 2: learning how to not take on other people's stuff. And

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Speaker 2: I just was so focused on doing what I saw

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Speaker 2: other people do like the girl Boss vibe or trying

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Speaker 2: to fit myself into that place because I thought, well,

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Speaker 2: if I do that, then I'll be successful and happy

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Speaker 2: because that's what's working, right, And that was the model

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Speaker 2: that I was looking at, and I don't know that

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Speaker 2: just wasn't because I didn't know who I was and

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Speaker 2: I was trying to or I was trying to fight

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Speaker 2: who I actually am. It just ended me up in

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Speaker 2: a place of doing things that weren't in alignment. And

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Speaker 2: that's always going to blow up. It's inevitable. Either you'll

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Speaker 2: blow it up or something will blow it up, but

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Speaker 2: it won't last because that's not how the universe works. Like,

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Speaker 2: if you get off path, it's gonna bring you back

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Speaker 2: to the right direction or the right place for you.

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Speaker 2: And so if you don't know yourself, it's very likely

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Speaker 2: that you'll get off track. And maybe that's what's happened now.

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Speaker 2: Maybe that's where the crisis is coming from. Is things

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Speaker 2: worked for you for a while, but you need more

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Speaker 2: now or you need different, and that is completely okay

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Speaker 2: and normal and good. Actually, we are supposed to grow,

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Speaker 2: we are supposed to evolve. We're not supposed to say

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Speaker 2: the same. So maybe this is actually an opportunity if

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Speaker 2: you haven't done anyagram or human design or astrology or numerology,

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Speaker 2: these are such good opportunities to start diving into modalities

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Speaker 2: that can tell you about yourself. Like that might not

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Speaker 2: sound that helpful, but trust me when I say getting

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Speaker 2: to know the deeper stuff within you, it's life changing

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Speaker 2: and it really can help you build the life that

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Speaker 2: you want, the life that you truly feel peaceful in,

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Speaker 2: and the life that can ebb and flow and change

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Speaker 2: and grow and evolve and continue on happily. And the

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Speaker 2: last thing is the thing that I mentioned at the

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Speaker 2: beginning of the podcast, like this is something I've actually

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Speaker 2: just been experiencing in my life and something that has

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Speaker 2: just come up recently a couple different ways. But I

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Speaker 2: kind of think a midlife crisis happens or will happen,

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Speaker 2: partially because we're faced with our inevitable reminder that we're

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Speaker 2: no different from any other human that's Grace's planet, and

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Speaker 2: we only have a certain amount of time here, like

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Speaker 2: we will to one day die.

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Speaker 3: Period.

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Speaker 2: It's a really weird thought. And like when you're in

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Speaker 2: your twenties, it feels so far away. Then you get

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Speaker 2: to your forties, and like our listener said in the voicemail,

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Speaker 2: you're going through all the motions and you're miserable, and

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Speaker 2: you're like, wait, this is it, Like I'm going to

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Speaker 2: be doing this for the rest of my life, Like

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Speaker 2: it was supposed to be so much more exciting and

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Speaker 2: happy and fulfilling in all the things. And when you're

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Speaker 2: faced with that, it kind of changes everything. And when

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Speaker 2: you are in midlife, you are on the latter half

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Speaker 2: of your life probably, so unless they come up within

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Speaker 2: the next couple years some way to keep us living forever,

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Speaker 2: which would be really weird, and I hope they don't,

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Speaker 2: but yeah, I think it's a truth that we all

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Speaker 2: have to face at some point. And the story I

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Speaker 2: was going to tell you guys was that I've actually

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Speaker 2: been experiencing like time with people who are at the

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Speaker 2: end of their life, not even midlife. And this has

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Speaker 2: happened twice recently where I've been in a situation where

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Speaker 2: I was I'm working on a job right now with

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Speaker 2: literally one of the richest men in our country, entire country,

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Speaker 2: like has so much money, just so much money and

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Speaker 2: things and houses and help and all the things. But

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Speaker 2: he's older now and I was sitting there getting him

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Speaker 2: ready for this interview the other day, and I thought

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Speaker 2: to myself, all the money in the fucking world cannot

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Speaker 2: buy you out of the life and death cycle, Like

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Speaker 2: there is nothing you can do to outrun that. And

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Speaker 2: that is so much an interesting thing, like that is

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Speaker 2: one thing that connects us, all right, if there's nothing

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Speaker 2: else in this world, the one thing that we all

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Speaker 2: have in common is that we will one day we

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Speaker 2: are born and will one day die. And when you

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Speaker 2: start to think about it that way, it kind of

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Speaker 2: changes the way you live your life. So I started

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Speaker 2: to research and I thought to myself because I was

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Speaker 2: thinking to myself, like, what's the common thing that everyone

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Speaker 2: says on their deathbed? Because what I've learned with the

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Speaker 2: experience I just explained. And then also, I've been around

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Speaker 2: my grandmother, who is in her eighties now, and so

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Speaker 2: I've spent a lot of time with her recently, and

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Speaker 2: it's just there's so much wisdom when you're sitting with

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Speaker 2: people of that age, and I really try to take notes.

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Speaker 2: I think it's one of the things we kind of

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Speaker 2: miss in this country is we don't look to the

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Speaker 2: wisdom of the people who have already lived it, and

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Speaker 2: we kind of write off the elderly in our country,

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Speaker 2: But the reality is is they've already done it. So

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Speaker 2: whatever they're telling you, whatever, the experience that they will

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Speaker 2: look back on their life and reflect on, is probably

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Speaker 2: you're going to feel that at some point. Or that's

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Speaker 2: been my experience at least. And with both of these people,

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Speaker 2: I had the moment of listening to the things that

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Speaker 2: were important to them and paying attention to that in

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Speaker 2: witnessing all of that, and a lot of it came

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Speaker 2: from people, and so I started researching, and I was like,

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Speaker 2: what is the number one thing that people talk about

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Speaker 2: on their deathbed? So on CNM dot com, this is

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Speaker 2: what it says. They talk about the love they felt,

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Speaker 2: the love they gave. Often they talk about the love

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Speaker 2: they did not receive, or the love they did not

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Speaker 2: know how to offer, the love they withheld or maybe

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Speaker 2: never felt for the ones they should have loved unconditionally.

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Speaker 2: Talk about how they learned what love is and what

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Speaker 2: it is.

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Speaker 3: Not.

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Speaker 2: The point here for me is that they talk about love,

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Speaker 2: not the things they talk about love. So maybe you've

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Speaker 2: gotten off track, You've lost yourself, you feel lost from yourself,

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Speaker 2: and you do need some changes to live a life

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Speaker 2: the way you want it, and that's okay. Changes just

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Speaker 2: don't necessarily mean you have to blow up your life.

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Speaker 2: I mean, or maybe they do, no judgment, but whatever

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Speaker 2: you do, I would say, try to find a way

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Speaker 2: to live like you're dying, like Tim McGraw says. Not

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Speaker 2: to quote Tim mcgral here, but just enjoy it. Find

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Speaker 2: the way to live like you're dying, and enjoy it.

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Speaker 2: Take your toss.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

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Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a

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Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty

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Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.