WEBVTT - Let's Talk Survival...with Elizabeth Smart 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:08.400 This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doorny. Hello, Let's 0:00:08.400 --> 0:00:12.760 be clear family. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and I'm so excited 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.960 and honored to be guest hosting today. I know, Let's 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:20.720 Be Clear is all about strong women using their voices 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:23.760 about issues that they care about, things that are important 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:26.639 to them, and so I'm just very, very honored to 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:31.560 be included in that number. Over the past twenty years, 0:00:32.560 --> 0:00:37.160 I have just come to really realize and recognize that 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:41.640 every person has a story and that we are so 0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:46.839 all interconnected, and that are what we experience can have 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:49.519 not just a huge impact on our own lives, but 0:00:49.640 --> 0:00:53.320 on the lives all around us. And we will probably 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:57.560 never ever realize the impact that each one of our 0:00:57.600 --> 0:01:00.480 stories has on those around us. You know, I have 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:05.720 spent the last twenty plus years in the advocacy world 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:09.760 in speaking out, in sharing my story of abduction and 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:15.720 captivity and then my rescue and moving forward, and I've 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:19.440 had so many people approach me over the years and 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:25.840 say things like I've experienced something similar, but nothing in comparison. 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:30.360 And when I hear those words, I am actually heartbroken, 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:35.840 because we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to anyone No one 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:38.400 should be looking at my experience and then looking at 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:42.120 their experience and being like, well, why does she seem okay? 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:46.360 Why when what I went through doesn't seem to be 0:01:46.520 --> 0:01:48.840 like on the same level of what she went through, 0:01:48.880 --> 0:01:52.120 And yet I'm not okay. That is so unfair and 0:01:52.200 --> 0:01:54.520 so wrong. And if we ever cross paths and you 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:56.400 say that to me, we're not going to be friends, 0:01:56.480 --> 0:01:59.120 because that is not okay. At the end of the day, 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:03.360 paying is pain, and trauma is trauma, and we are 0:02:03.400 --> 0:02:07.400 all so different. There's no way you could ever accurately 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:13.280 compare your trauma, your story, or your experiences to anyone else's. 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:16.280 So I just wanted to start by saying, give yourself 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:21.000 some grace, give yourself some love and compassion, and just 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:24.200 acknowledge that we are we are all different, none of 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:28.840 us are the same. You know, I was raised in 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:35.280 a very safe, secure, loving family. I never dreamed that 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:39.920 anything bad could ever happen to me. I thought that 0:02:41.000 --> 0:02:43.920 my life would just continue on the way that it 0:02:44.120 --> 0:02:46.040 had been going. You know, I thought I'd go to 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:47.679 I was in junior high at the time. If I 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.040 was going to finish junior high, i'd go to high school. 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:52.960 I'd go to college, you know, I'd get a job, 0:02:53.120 --> 0:02:55.440 I'd fall in love, I'd get married, I'd have a family, 0:02:55.480 --> 0:02:58.079 and that would pretty much more or less be my life. 0:02:58.120 --> 0:03:02.240 Like that is how I saw going. And prior to 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:06.200 my kidnapping, I could not imagine my life like anything 0:03:06.400 --> 0:03:11.320 altering that that path forward. It just that just seemed 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:14.280 like what it would be. And of course it was 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:16.280 the night before I was about to graduate when my 0:03:16.600 --> 0:03:21.400 world literally flipped upside down. I shared a room with 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:24.639 my younger sister, Mary Catherine, and we were about five 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:30.560 years apart, so I was fourteen, she was she was nine, sighing, 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:35.440 and I remember going to bed that night. I remember 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:37.200 reading a book to her, and she kept on asking 0:03:37.240 --> 0:03:39.760 me like, oh, read one more chapter, Read one more chapter. 0:03:39.800 --> 0:03:42.480 And I remember by the time I actually finished reading 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:45.520 just one more chapter, she had actually fallen asleep, and 0:03:45.600 --> 0:03:49.240 I remember it being pretty late, and I remember just 0:03:49.280 --> 0:03:52.040 putting the book down and lying in bed next her 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:55.520 and falling asleep. The next thing that I remember was 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:59.000 a man standing over me. He had a knife at 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:01.640 my neck and he was saying, well, he was telling me, 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:03.360 I have a knife at your neck, don't make sound. 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:05.960 Get up and come with me. And I mean initially 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:10.200 I didn't think that that there could actually be a 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:14.200 man in my room. That just was not something that 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:17.120 was a possibility. There's no way that could happen. My 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:19.080 bedroom was on the top floor of our house. It 0:04:19.120 --> 0:04:23.040 was probably one of the highest, one of the highest, 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:25.320 if not the highest point of the house. I mean, 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:28.960 none of my windows were on ground floor. And I 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:32.680 think that had been very intentional by my parents when 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:35.040 they were like designing our house and deciding where each 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:37.800 one of us should sleep. So this was just not 0:04:38.240 --> 0:04:41.760 something that I ever thought could happen. Plus, in that moment, 0:04:41.839 --> 0:04:45.240 I was totally shocked. Like I received probably the same 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:50.440 safety education that everybody else receives, like look both ways 0:04:50.440 --> 0:04:54.599 when you cross the street, stranger danger, use the buddy system. 0:04:55.000 --> 0:04:57.479 If you catch on fire, you should you stop drop 0:04:57.520 --> 0:05:01.279 and roll. And like if we were all sitting in 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:04.320 a room together, I'd probably ask you, oh, how many 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:07.520 of you have ever actually used stop, drop and roll? 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:12.160 In all my time like speaking and advocating, And I've 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.920 asked that question. It's been so few. Hardly anyone raises 0:05:15.920 --> 0:05:18.760 their hand. If it's a really big audience, maybe there's 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:24.480 one person, maybe one person that's it. But statistically now 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:29.400 I know that on average in the United States, one 0:05:29.440 --> 0:05:31.880 out of five women is sexually abused. In my home 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:34.280 state of Utah, it's about one in three. It varies 0:05:34.320 --> 0:05:37.640 from state to state, and I am willing to bet 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:42.200 that those statistics aren't accurate because not every woman discloses, 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:45.560 not every person discloses, and so I don't mean to 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:47.919 go down a rabbit hole, but sometimes I just think, 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.520 why are we teaching stop, drop and roll, which again 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:55.480 I'm pro safety education, like we should, yes, absolutely teach 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:59.320 everything we can to prevent things from happening, But at 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:02.040 the same time, the chances of you actually using that 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:06.200 seemed to be, in my experience, very very slim, whereas 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:10.320 the chances of you experiencing some form of sexual violence 0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:15.240 or abuse are very high. Anyway, that's always kind of 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:18.400 bothered me. But in that moment, when this man standing 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:20.640 above me with a knife to my neck saying get 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:23.080 up and come with me, I really genuinely did not 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:25.479 feel like I had any other option. There was no 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:28.680 education that I had been given up to that point 0:06:29.000 --> 0:06:33.839 that really made me feel like I could do something different. 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:37.800 So I remember just immediately getting up and going with him. 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:40.200 I didn't know who he was, I didn't know what 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:43.039 he was capable of, but he did have a knife 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:44.839 on me. He was telling me to go with him, 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:49.280 and I felt like I needed to do everything I 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:51.480 could to survive. I felt like I needed to do 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:54.840 everything I could to protect my little sister, who was 0:06:54.880 --> 0:06:57.719 asleep in bed next me. And I got up and 0:06:57.760 --> 0:06:59.760 I went with him, and I remember he took me 0:06:59.880 --> 0:07:04.120 up into the mountains behind my home. The whole way 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:06.240 as he took me up into the mountains, I remember 0:07:06.320 --> 0:07:10.040 just being so worried and nervous that maybe there was 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:14.800 a chance to escape, Maybe there was an opportunity to escape. 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:18.440 And I remember being so worried and concerned that somehow 0:07:18.520 --> 0:07:22.440 I had missed that opportunity, that somehow that opportunity had 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:25.120 passed me by and I'd missed my chance. I remember 0:07:25.200 --> 0:07:30.520 being absolutely terrified that somehow I'd missed my chance. Of course, 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:33.400 now like looking back on that night and thinking back 0:07:33.440 --> 0:07:36.800 on that night, I can honestly say that no, there 0:07:37.680 --> 0:07:41.040 was never a chance for me to escape. But you know, 0:07:41.120 --> 0:07:46.280 as a fourteen year old like that was those were 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:49.960 their thoughts going through my head. I remember it felt 0:07:49.960 --> 0:07:53.200 like we went on all night. Right as we crossed 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:55.800 the top of the mountain, the sun it was light, 0:07:55.880 --> 0:07:58.160 the sun was up, and he was in a rush 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:00.920 to get me down the other side, and I remember 0:08:01.000 --> 0:08:06.239 we we were probably we were probably about a quarter 0:08:06.400 --> 0:08:09.040 of the way down the other side of the mountain 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:11.680 when we came to a stand of trees, which, again 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:13.920 not that strange. I mean, we had fought our way 0:08:13.920 --> 0:08:16.320 through trees the whole way up the mountain. It stood 0:08:16.320 --> 0:08:19.520 to reason they'd be trees on the other side. So 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:21.400 when we were about a quarter of the way down, 0:08:21.880 --> 0:08:24.760 he brought me to the stand of trees and they 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:26.560 all looked the same to me. I honestly don't know 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:30.000 how he knew that it was this specific stand of trees, 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:33.080 but he brought me into the middle and I saw 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:35.240 how part of the mountain side had been leveled out. 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:39.440 There was a tent set up outside, there were some 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:42.680 tarps laying on the ground, and there were some tarps 0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:45.440 hanging up in the trees, and there was a woman. 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:48.520 And my first impression when I saw this woman was 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:52.199 that it was going to be okay. Because this woman, 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:57.640 I mean, she was older. I remember, she kind of 0:08:57.720 --> 0:09:00.520 opened her arms to me as she approached me, like 0:09:00.559 --> 0:09:04.040 she was gonna hug me, and I just remember thinking, well, 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:07.520 if there's there's a woman here, then truly nothing that 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:11.360 terrible can happen, Like she will protect me if anything 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:18.079 bad is going to happen. Unfortunately, that thought disappeared pretty 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:21.040 quickly because when she hugged me, it wasn't really like 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:25.400 a comforting embrace. It was really more sort of a 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:29.400 it was it was more sort of an embrace that 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:35.240 seemed to exert dominance, if that makes sense. It was 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:38.000 like she wanted me to know that she was in 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:40.920 control and not me. And I remember she brought me 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:43.120 inside of the tent. She sat me down on this 0:09:43.240 --> 0:09:46.560 upturned bucket. She started to try to undress me. I 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:49.840 was very shy as a fourteen year old. I was 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:52.319 very self conscious as a fourteen year old. I mean 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:56.880 getting changed for gym class was traumatic to me. Back then. 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:00.360 It was like I'd like lay my shore out and 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:02.320 I'd lay my t shirt out so I could make 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:06.240 the smoothest quickest transition possible from like the rest of 0:10:06.280 --> 0:10:10.679 the day close to the gym clothes and then vice versa. 0:10:10.720 --> 0:10:14.600 When when gym class was over, so I was. I was. 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:16.760 It'd be fair to say I was pretty awkward as 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:20.920 a kid, and I was anyway. I wasn't okay with 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:26.320 her trying to dress me or sponge bathe me. And 0:10:26.360 --> 0:10:28.600 I remember begging her and pleading with her to let 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:32.000 me do it, which she actually did, which I didn't 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:35.040 know at that point, but now, of course, in hindsight, 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:38.439 I know that was actually a very big deal. This woman, 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:42.080 she never she never changed her mind. Like once she 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.320 made up her mind on something, that was it, that 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:49.200 was the only way forward. And once I had done 0:10:49.240 --> 0:10:51.920 what she said, she scooped up my clothes and she 0:10:52.000 --> 0:11:07.079 got up and walked out of the tent. And then 0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:08.800 in came this man and he came in and he 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:12.600 knelt down next to me, and honestly, I wasn't listening 0:11:12.960 --> 0:11:18.560 to what he had to say. I was like, I 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:22.880 was crying. I was scared. I was wondering, how had 0:11:22.880 --> 0:11:26.280 this happened to me? Why was this happening to me? 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:30.079 Like I didn't think we had offended anyone, and certainly 0:11:30.920 --> 0:11:33.920 we hadn't offended anyone enough that they would choose to 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:36.920 kidnap me to like as some form of revenge. Why 0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:41.520 would anyone kidnap me like I wasn't anything special. I 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:46.079 couldn't understand it. And I remember himkneeling down next to 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:49.040 me and he started to speak, and initially I really 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.520 wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, but then 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:54.800 I had a thought that maybe I should, because maybe 0:11:54.840 --> 0:11:59.360 there'd be some clue or some hint or something that 0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:02.960 would let me know why he had kidnapped me, give 0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:06.120 me some direction of how to get away, or maybe 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:09.040 get a message to my family, which is when I 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:13.000 heard him say that I was now his wife, and 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:21.760 I remember just being so shocked when he first started speaking. 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:26.040 I really didn't know what he was going to say. 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.640 I think if I expected him to say anything, it 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:33.280 probably would have been like an explanation, or maybe like 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:39.240 a ransom demand, or what their plan or intention was 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:41.319 with me. It wasn't that we were now going to 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:44.520 be husband and wife. And I remember just begging and 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:48.680 pleading with him that this couldn't happen. This wasn't okay. 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:52.200 I was still a kid, I wasn't eighteen, like, this 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:56.120 wasn't legal. All these reasons why this wasn't okay, and 0:12:56.240 --> 0:13:01.479 ultimately none of it nothing that I said made a difference. 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:05.400 He ultimately did force me on the ground and rape me. 0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:09.559 When he was finished, he stood up and smiled and 0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:12.280 turned around and walked away out of the tent. Now 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:16.120 for me, that was devastating. I mean, I grew up 0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:18.000 in a very conservative home. I grew up in a 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:22.160 very Christian home. I went to church every single Sunday. 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:27.480 There'd always been a huge emphasis put on chastity, on purity, 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:32.360 on virtue. Basically all these different words. You could use, 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:36.079 all these different words almost interchangeably, because they all seemed 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:41.480 to mean don't have sex before marriage, and nobody ever 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:45.320 took the time, which I think is so so important. 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:48.559 If I'm not here to say, like what you should 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:51.520 teach your child like, or when you should teach your 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:57.840 child about sex or intimacy like, everyone should use their 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:01.880 own discretion. But I do feel very strongly that when 0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:05.280 you do decide to teach your children, when you do 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:08.880 decide to have these conversations with them, it is vital 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:13.520 that you speak to them and help them understand that 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:20.120 there is a difference between you know, enthusiastic consensual sex, 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:27.640 consensual intimacy versus rape and sexual violence, and that it 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:31.479 can happen. I've met I've just met so many survivors 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:34.520 over the years that didn't know what happened to them 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:37.720 was rape because it was from someone that they knew, 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:43.880 a partner or a friend or a family member, and 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:47.360 they think, well, you know, that can't happen because I 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:51.120 know this person, or this is my uncle, they love me, 0:14:51.400 --> 0:14:54.400 my family loves him, or my family would never believe 0:14:54.480 --> 0:14:59.400 me over him. That just I think it's really important 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:03.040 that we have these conversations because it can be anyone. 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:05.440 And I'm not saying it's necessarily always going to be 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:10.120 a man. Statistically the chances are much greater. But if 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:13.240 you're going to have these, when you have conversations like this, 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.880 please do yourself and your child of favor and talk 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:21.440 to them as well about sexual violence and rape, because 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:27.080 otherwise it can lead to so much guilt and so 0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:31.360 much shame and feeling like you're not worthy, you're not 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:34.760 good enough, you're not lovable, because that's exactly what happened 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:39.440 to me after my kidnapper raped me. I really doubted 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:41.560 whether or not I was good enough to be saved. 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:44.920 I doubted whether or not I was worthy to be saved. 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:47.280 I felt like if my parents knew what had happened 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:49.680 to me, that they would just say, oh, you know, 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:54.640 like this, that's too bad, But we still have five 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:56.960 other kids, and that's still a lot of kids, so 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:00.680 we'll we'll just have to write Elizabeth. Of course that 0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:06.320 is not what they felt or thought, but having grown 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:09.880 up with that kind of mindset, never having had the 0:16:10.040 --> 0:16:13.960 education on the differences, I didn't know that, and that's 0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:19.280 just how I felt. I remember at that point. I 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:22.160 actually don't know if I fell asleep or if I 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:25.600 passed out, but one of the two happened. And when 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:28.360 I woke up, there was a piece of metal cable 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:30.880 and it was wrapped around my ankle and there were 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:33.400 bolts crushed into place so that I couldn't run away. 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:37.520 It was just long enough for me to lie down 0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:40.360 inside the tent that they had set up, and then 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:44.560 long enough for me to reach a bucket, and that 0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:47.640 was as far as I could move. I mean, it 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:51.680 wasn't a lot. It was maybe twelve feet. I mean 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:55.640 that's maybe as far as I could move. And I 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:59.160 really did feel like I had hit rock bottom in 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:03.680 that moment. And my captors, of course, they were they 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:09.000 were talking and talking about how things were going to go, 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:12.040 kind of what the rules were. They were telling me 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:13.680 I had a new name. They were telling me I 0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:16.920 couldn't talk about my family, and they're saying all these 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:19.639 things about the future. And I'm looking around this camp 0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:23.240 and I'm realizing, Wow, this is really hidden away, this 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.720 is really difficult to get to. This is very well supplied. 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:29.119 They're talking about a future. I mean, they don't plan 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:32.520 on killing me yet, Like they plan on keeping me 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:36.240 for for a while. How long is that? Like, it 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:38.720 doesn't sound like days, it sounds kind of more long term. 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:41.240 What if it's months. What if it's years. What if 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:44.040 it's so long that I actually forget who I am? 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:48.600 And that thought really scared me. Now I don't think 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:52.879 I would have actually forgotten who I was, but I 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:57.080 still had that fear regardless. And so I remember just thinking, Wow, 0:17:57.080 --> 0:17:59.639 I'm going to remember everything about my life that I 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:04.359 can prior to them kidnapping, and my parents were top 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:07.919 priority of that list of things to remember. And I 0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:10.760 remembered my mom one day, I'd come home from school 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:12.840 upset and she's trying to help me feel better, and 0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:15.680 then she said, she said a whole bunch of things, 0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:19.360 but one of the main things that she said was, Elizabeth, 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:22.199 you know, I may not always agree with everything that 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:25.679 you do, and I might not always like everyone you 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:30.400 decide to interact with, and I may not like all 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:33.600 the places you decide to go. But I'll always love 0:18:33.640 --> 0:18:36.919 you and nothing can ever change that. And as I 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:39.919 sat on this mountain side remembering her telling me that, 0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:44.320 I realized that she was right, that she would always 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:48.920 love me. That she but it wouldn't matter to her. 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:52.399 Love for me couldn't be altered because I'd been kidnapped, 0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:55.959 or because I'd been raped, or because I'd been chained up. 0:18:56.000 --> 0:19:04.960 And honestly, that was probably probably the single most important 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:08.879 thought I had while I was kidnapped, because in that moment, 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:13.680 I realized that I had something that my captors could 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:15.560 not take away. I mean, they'd taken me away from 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:19.879 my family, they'd taken my clothes away, they'd raped me, 0:19:20.040 --> 0:19:23.320 they chained me up. I mean, they'd taken away my name, 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:26.040 they'd taken away my freedom. They'd taken away so much 0:19:26.160 --> 0:19:29.160 they could they could take away my life if they 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:33.639 wanted to, But they could not take away the fact 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:39.000 that my mom would always love me, and so I 0:19:39.040 --> 0:19:41.119 made up my mind that that would be worth surviving 0:19:41.160 --> 0:19:45.000 for that if it meant doing whatever I had to do, 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:48.040 if it meant that, I would survive another day, And 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:52.000 so that's how I survived every day after that. I 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:55.600 would whenever my captors put me in a situation that 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:57.879 I didn't want to be in, which, let's face it, 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:01.840 that was every day. But if it was something that 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:04.960 I didn't want to do, or something that maybe I'd 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:09.440 been raised not to do that I'd grown up believing 0:20:09.560 --> 0:20:13.679 not to do, I would ask myself, what will happen 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:16.680 to me if I don't do this? And then I'd 0:20:16.720 --> 0:20:19.000 ask myself what will happen to me if I do this? 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:22.840 And that's how I would gauge my decisions on what 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.960 to do. And eventually it did become more second nature, 0:20:27.480 --> 0:20:32.400 and from the outside looking in, it would be understandable 0:20:32.920 --> 0:20:38.199 how people wouldn't like, why people wouldn't understand why I 0:20:38.240 --> 0:20:40.399 did what they did, or why they would think I 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:46.160 looked like like I was okay with it, or why 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:50.879 I didn't appear to be struggling, because over you know, 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:53.960 the last twenty years, over more than that, I have 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:57.440 been questioned so many times like well, why didn't you 0:20:57.520 --> 0:21:00.560 run away, Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you yell? 0:21:01.960 --> 0:21:04.000 It was never because I didn't want to, and the 0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:08.760 few attempts that I made ended very badly. I was 0:21:09.119 --> 0:21:14.640 punished brutally, and so I did get to a point 0:21:15.040 --> 0:21:18.240 where it just became second nature to do what they want, 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:21.520 because I had learned that's how to survive. And in 0:21:21.560 --> 0:21:25.399 my mind when I thought about escaping, when I thought 0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:29.639 about making my bid for freedom, I wanted it to 0:21:29.680 --> 0:21:32.480 be a sure thing. I did not want to risk 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:34.399 my life, and not only did I feel like my 0:21:34.520 --> 0:21:36.800 life was at risk, but I also felt like my 0:21:36.920 --> 0:21:40.560 family's life was at risk because he threatened me every day, 0:21:40.760 --> 0:21:43.320 not just with my life, both my family's life as well. 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:48.240 And for nine months I had no reason not to 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:51.640 believe him. I mean, he followed through everything he threatened 0:21:51.680 --> 0:21:56.920 me with, so when he did make those threats, those 0:21:57.119 --> 0:22:00.720 were very real threats. All the way up to the 0:22:00.800 --> 0:22:04.560 day that I was rescued. During my captivity, my captors 0:22:04.600 --> 0:22:07.720 would take me to southern California. I had convinced them 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:10.119 to come back to Utah. I felt like that was 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:18.880 my best chance to escape, and I remember police officers 0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:24.960 approaching my captors and I, and they started questioning my captors, 0:22:24.960 --> 0:22:27.800 and then they started questioning me, and initially I gave 0:22:27.840 --> 0:22:30.480 them the answers I had been told to give. Was 0:22:31.200 --> 0:22:35.879 I was scared to say anything that I was told 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:39.600 not to say. My captors were still physically standing on 0:22:39.680 --> 0:22:42.600 either side of me. I mean, they were both touching me. Like, 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:45.040 I did not feel like I was in a safe environment. 0:22:45.400 --> 0:22:48.439 I didn't know these police officers. I really had no 0:22:48.600 --> 0:22:57.720 interaction with police officers before. I just felt I didn't 0:22:57.720 --> 0:23:01.040 feel safe. I didn't feel comfortable and the officers, I mean, 0:23:01.680 --> 0:23:03.480 I know they were doing their job, but at the 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:07.280 same time, like they were very aggressive in their questioning 0:23:07.400 --> 0:23:14.800 and I was a shy, scared girl, and so ultimately 0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:17.879 I was not able to admit who I was until 0:23:18.000 --> 0:23:22.719 they had separated me from my captors and questioned me alone. 0:23:22.760 --> 0:23:26.960 When I did admit who I was, they did handcuff 0:23:27.040 --> 0:23:28.440 me and put me in the back of the car 0:23:28.520 --> 0:23:30.280 and take me to the police station, at which point 0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:32.880 I thought, oh, my gosh, I made the wrong choice. 0:23:32.920 --> 0:23:35.760 I should not have said anything. They think I'm guilty. 0:23:35.760 --> 0:23:39.120 They're going to send me to jail. They did eventually 0:23:39.160 --> 0:23:43.679 take the handcuffs off and I was reunited with my dad. 0:23:56.760 --> 0:24:00.680 Before he arrived, I was brought to this little, small room, 0:24:01.040 --> 0:24:04.480 and I just remember thinking, this is the holding cell. 0:24:04.560 --> 0:24:07.440 They're going to check me in, Like I thought, I 0:24:07.480 --> 0:24:09.960 was allowed a phone call. If they thought I was innocent, 0:24:10.000 --> 0:24:13.119 wouldn't they have taken me straight home? Wouldn't they have 0:24:13.240 --> 0:24:17.400 let me call my parents. They must think I'm guilty, 0:24:17.920 --> 0:24:22.040 they must think that I've done something wrong. And I 0:24:22.080 --> 0:24:24.760 remember the door just bursting open, and that's when my 0:24:24.840 --> 0:24:27.160 dad appeared, and I remember he just came running over 0:24:27.200 --> 0:24:28.720 to me and he just grabbed me in this huge 0:24:28.800 --> 0:24:31.760 hug and he started crying and he kept on saying, Elizabeth, 0:24:31.840 --> 0:24:35.520 is it really you? And that was the first time 0:24:36.119 --> 0:24:40.600 in nine months that I felt safe. That was when 0:24:40.640 --> 0:24:43.680 I knew it was going to be okay, because even 0:24:43.720 --> 0:24:47.120 if I was in trouble, my dad was there, and 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:49.000 I knew that he was never going to let another 0:24:49.040 --> 0:24:52.600 person hurt me the way that these two monsters had 0:24:52.680 --> 0:24:56.879 hurt me the last nine months. I was taken to 0:24:56.920 --> 0:24:59.439