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Speaker 1: This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doorny. Hello, Let's

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Speaker 1: be clear family. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and I'm so excited

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Speaker 1: and honored to be guest hosting today. I know, Let's

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Speaker 1: Be Clear is all about strong women using their voices

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Speaker 1: about issues that they care about, things that are important

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Speaker 1: to them, and so I'm just very, very honored to

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Speaker 1: be included in that number. Over the past twenty years,

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Speaker 1: I have just come to really realize and recognize that

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Speaker 1: every person has a story and that we are so

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Speaker 1: all interconnected, and that are what we experience can have

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Speaker 1: not just a huge impact on our own lives, but

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Speaker 1: on the lives all around us. And we will probably

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Speaker 1: never ever realize the impact that each one of our

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Speaker 1: stories has on those around us. You know, I have

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Speaker 1: spent the last twenty plus years in the advocacy world

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Speaker 1: in speaking out, in sharing my story of abduction and

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Speaker 1: captivity and then my rescue and moving forward, and I've

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Speaker 1: had so many people approach me over the years and

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Speaker 1: say things like I've experienced something similar, but nothing in comparison.

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Speaker 1: And when I hear those words, I am actually heartbroken,

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Speaker 1: because we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to anyone No one

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Speaker 1: should be looking at my experience and then looking at

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Speaker 1: their experience and being like, well, why does she seem okay?

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Speaker 1: Why when what I went through doesn't seem to be

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Speaker 1: like on the same level of what she went through,

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Speaker 1: And yet I'm not okay. That is so unfair and

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Speaker 1: so wrong. And if we ever cross paths and you

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Speaker 1: say that to me, we're not going to be friends,

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Speaker 1: because that is not okay. At the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: paying is pain, and trauma is trauma, and we are

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Speaker 1: all so different. There's no way you could ever accurately

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Speaker 1: compare your trauma, your story, or your experiences to anyone else's.

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Speaker 1: So I just wanted to start by saying, give yourself

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Speaker 1: some grace, give yourself some love and compassion, and just

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Speaker 1: acknowledge that we are we are all different, none of

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Speaker 1: us are the same. You know, I was raised in

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Speaker 1: a very safe, secure, loving family. I never dreamed that

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Speaker 1: anything bad could ever happen to me. I thought that

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Speaker 1: my life would just continue on the way that it

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Speaker 1: had been going. You know, I thought I'd go to

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Speaker 1: I was in junior high at the time. If I

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Speaker 1: was going to finish junior high, i'd go to high school.

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Speaker 1: I'd go to college, you know, I'd get a job,

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Speaker 1: I'd fall in love, I'd get married, I'd have a family,

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Speaker 1: and that would pretty much more or less be my life.

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Speaker 1: Like that is how I saw going. And prior to

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Speaker 1: my kidnapping, I could not imagine my life like anything

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Speaker 1: altering that that path forward. It just that just seemed

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Speaker 1: like what it would be. And of course it was

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Speaker 1: the night before I was about to graduate when my

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Speaker 1: world literally flipped upside down. I shared a room with

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Speaker 1: my younger sister, Mary Catherine, and we were about five

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Speaker 1: years apart, so I was fourteen, she was she was nine, sighing,

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Speaker 1: and I remember going to bed that night. I remember

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Speaker 1: reading a book to her, and she kept on asking

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Speaker 1: me like, oh, read one more chapter, Read one more chapter.

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Speaker 1: And I remember by the time I actually finished reading

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Speaker 1: just one more chapter, she had actually fallen asleep, and

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Speaker 1: I remember it being pretty late, and I remember just

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Speaker 1: putting the book down and lying in bed next her

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Speaker 1: and falling asleep. The next thing that I remember was

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Speaker 1: a man standing over me. He had a knife at

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Speaker 1: my neck and he was saying, well, he was telling me,

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Speaker 1: I have a knife at your neck, don't make sound.

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Speaker 1: Get up and come with me. And I mean initially

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Speaker 1: I didn't think that that there could actually be a

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Speaker 1: man in my room. That just was not something that

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Speaker 1: was a possibility. There's no way that could happen. My

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Speaker 1: bedroom was on the top floor of our house. It

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Speaker 1: was probably one of the highest, one of the highest,

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Speaker 1: if not the highest point of the house. I mean,

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Speaker 1: none of my windows were on ground floor. And I

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Speaker 1: think that had been very intentional by my parents when

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Speaker 1: they were like designing our house and deciding where each

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Speaker 1: one of us should sleep. So this was just not

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Speaker 1: something that I ever thought could happen. Plus, in that moment,

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Speaker 1: I was totally shocked. Like I received probably the same

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Speaker 1: safety education that everybody else receives, like look both ways

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Speaker 1: when you cross the street, stranger danger, use the buddy system.

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Speaker 1: If you catch on fire, you should you stop drop

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Speaker 1: and roll. And like if we were all sitting in

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Speaker 1: a room together, I'd probably ask you, oh, how many

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Speaker 1: of you have ever actually used stop, drop and roll?

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Speaker 1: In all my time like speaking and advocating, And I've

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Speaker 1: asked that question. It's been so few. Hardly anyone raises

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Speaker 1: their hand. If it's a really big audience, maybe there's

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Speaker 1: one person, maybe one person that's it. But statistically now

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Speaker 1: I know that on average in the United States, one

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Speaker 1: out of five women is sexually abused. In my home

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Speaker 1: state of Utah, it's about one in three. It varies

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Speaker 1: from state to state, and I am willing to bet

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Speaker 1: that those statistics aren't accurate because not every woman discloses,

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Speaker 1: not every person discloses, and so I don't mean to

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Speaker 1: go down a rabbit hole, but sometimes I just think,

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Speaker 1: why are we teaching stop, drop and roll, which again

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Speaker 1: I'm pro safety education, like we should, yes, absolutely teach

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Speaker 1: everything we can to prevent things from happening, But at

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Speaker 1: the same time, the chances of you actually using that

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Speaker 1: seemed to be, in my experience, very very slim, whereas

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Speaker 1: the chances of you experiencing some form of sexual violence

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Speaker 1: or abuse are very high. Anyway, that's always kind of

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Speaker 1: bothered me. But in that moment, when this man standing

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Speaker 1: above me with a knife to my neck saying get

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Speaker 1: up and come with me, I really genuinely did not

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Speaker 1: feel like I had any other option. There was no

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Speaker 1: education that I had been given up to that point

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Speaker 1: that really made me feel like I could do something different.

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Speaker 1: So I remember just immediately getting up and going with him.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know who he was, I didn't know what

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Speaker 1: he was capable of, but he did have a knife

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Speaker 1: on me. He was telling me to go with him,

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Speaker 1: and I felt like I needed to do everything I

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Speaker 1: could to survive. I felt like I needed to do

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Speaker 1: everything I could to protect my little sister, who was

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Speaker 1: asleep in bed next me. And I got up and

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Speaker 1: I went with him, and I remember he took me

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Speaker 1: up into the mountains behind my home. The whole way

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Speaker 1: as he took me up into the mountains, I remember

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Speaker 1: just being so worried and nervous that maybe there was

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Speaker 1: a chance to escape, Maybe there was an opportunity to escape.

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Speaker 1: And I remember being so worried and concerned that somehow

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Speaker 1: I had missed that opportunity, that somehow that opportunity had

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Speaker 1: passed me by and I'd missed my chance. I remember

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Speaker 1: being absolutely terrified that somehow I'd missed my chance. Of course,

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Speaker 1: now like looking back on that night and thinking back

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Speaker 1: on that night, I can honestly say that no, there

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Speaker 1: was never a chance for me to escape. But you know,

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Speaker 1: as a fourteen year old like that was those were

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Speaker 1: their thoughts going through my head. I remember it felt

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Speaker 1: like we went on all night. Right as we crossed

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Speaker 1: the top of the mountain, the sun it was light,

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Speaker 1: the sun was up, and he was in a rush

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Speaker 1: to get me down the other side, and I remember

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Speaker 1: we we were probably we were probably about a quarter

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Speaker 1: of the way down the other side of the mountain

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Speaker 1: when we came to a stand of trees, which, again

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Speaker 1: not that strange. I mean, we had fought our way

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Speaker 1: through trees the whole way up the mountain. It stood

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Speaker 1: to reason they'd be trees on the other side. So

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Speaker 1: when we were about a quarter of the way down,

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Speaker 1: he brought me to the stand of trees and they

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Speaker 1: all looked the same to me. I honestly don't know

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Speaker 1: how he knew that it was this specific stand of trees,

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Speaker 1: but he brought me into the middle and I saw

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Speaker 1: how part of the mountain side had been leveled out.

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Speaker 1: There was a tent set up outside, there were some

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Speaker 1: tarps laying on the ground, and there were some tarps

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Speaker 1: hanging up in the trees, and there was a woman.

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Speaker 1: And my first impression when I saw this woman was

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Speaker 1: that it was going to be okay. Because this woman,

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Speaker 1: I mean, she was older. I remember, she kind of

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Speaker 1: opened her arms to me as she approached me, like

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Speaker 1: she was gonna hug me, and I just remember thinking, well,

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Speaker 1: if there's there's a woman here, then truly nothing that

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Speaker 1: terrible can happen, Like she will protect me if anything

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Speaker 1: bad is going to happen. Unfortunately, that thought disappeared pretty

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Speaker 1: quickly because when she hugged me, it wasn't really like

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Speaker 1: a comforting embrace. It was really more sort of a

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Speaker 1: it was it was more sort of an embrace that

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Speaker 1: seemed to exert dominance, if that makes sense. It was

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Speaker 1: like she wanted me to know that she was in

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Speaker 1: control and not me. And I remember she brought me

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Speaker 1: inside of the tent. She sat me down on this

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Speaker 1: upturned bucket. She started to try to undress me. I

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Speaker 1: was very shy as a fourteen year old. I was

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Speaker 1: very self conscious as a fourteen year old. I mean

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Speaker 1: getting changed for gym class was traumatic to me. Back then.

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Speaker 1: It was like I'd like lay my shore out and

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Speaker 1: I'd lay my t shirt out so I could make

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Speaker 1: the smoothest quickest transition possible from like the rest of

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Speaker 1: the day close to the gym clothes and then vice versa.

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Speaker 1: When when gym class was over, so I was. I was.

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Speaker 1: It'd be fair to say I was pretty awkward as

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Speaker 1: a kid, and I was anyway. I wasn't okay with

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Speaker 1: her trying to dress me or sponge bathe me. And

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Speaker 1: I remember begging her and pleading with her to let

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Speaker 1: me do it, which she actually did, which I didn't

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Speaker 1: know at that point, but now, of course, in hindsight,

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Speaker 1: I know that was actually a very big deal. This woman,

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Speaker 1: she never she never changed her mind. Like once she

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Speaker 1: made up her mind on something, that was it, that

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Speaker 1: was the only way forward. And once I had done

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Speaker 1: what she said, she scooped up my clothes and she

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Speaker 1: got up and walked out of the tent. And then

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Speaker 1: in came this man and he came in and he

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Speaker 1: knelt down next to me, and honestly, I wasn't listening

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Speaker 1: to what he had to say. I was like, I

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Speaker 1: was crying. I was scared. I was wondering, how had

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Speaker 1: this happened to me? Why was this happening to me?

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Speaker 1: Like I didn't think we had offended anyone, and certainly

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Speaker 1: we hadn't offended anyone enough that they would choose to

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Speaker 1: kidnap me to like as some form of revenge. Why

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Speaker 1: would anyone kidnap me like I wasn't anything special. I

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Speaker 1: couldn't understand it. And I remember himkneeling down next to

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Speaker 1: me and he started to speak, and initially I really

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Speaker 1: wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, but then

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Speaker 1: I had a thought that maybe I should, because maybe

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Speaker 1: there'd be some clue or some hint or something that

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Speaker 1: would let me know why he had kidnapped me, give

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Speaker 1: me some direction of how to get away, or maybe

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Speaker 1: get a message to my family, which is when I

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Speaker 1: heard him say that I was now his wife, and

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Speaker 1: I remember just being so shocked when he first started speaking.

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Speaker 1: I really didn't know what he was going to say.

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Speaker 1: I think if I expected him to say anything, it

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Speaker 1: probably would have been like an explanation, or maybe like

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Speaker 1: a ransom demand, or what their plan or intention was

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Speaker 1: with me. It wasn't that we were now going to

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Speaker 1: be husband and wife. And I remember just begging and

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Speaker 1: pleading with him that this couldn't happen. This wasn't okay.

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Speaker 1: I was still a kid, I wasn't eighteen, like, this

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Speaker 1: wasn't legal. All these reasons why this wasn't okay, and

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Speaker 1: ultimately none of it nothing that I said made a difference.

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Speaker 1: He ultimately did force me on the ground and rape me.

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Speaker 1: When he was finished, he stood up and smiled and

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Speaker 1: turned around and walked away out of the tent. Now

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Speaker 1: for me, that was devastating. I mean, I grew up

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Speaker 1: in a very conservative home. I grew up in a

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Speaker 1: very Christian home. I went to church every single Sunday.

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Speaker 1: There'd always been a huge emphasis put on chastity, on purity,

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Speaker 1: on virtue. Basically all these different words. You could use,

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Speaker 1: all these different words almost interchangeably, because they all seemed

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Speaker 1: to mean don't have sex before marriage, and nobody ever

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Speaker 1: took the time, which I think is so so important.

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Speaker 1: If I'm not here to say, like what you should

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Speaker 1: teach your child like, or when you should teach your

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Speaker 1: child about sex or intimacy like, everyone should use their

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Speaker 1: own discretion. But I do feel very strongly that when

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Speaker 1: you do decide to teach your children, when you do

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Speaker 1: decide to have these conversations with them, it is vital

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Speaker 1: that you speak to them and help them understand that

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Speaker 1: there is a difference between you know, enthusiastic consensual sex,

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Speaker 1: consensual intimacy versus rape and sexual violence, and that it

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Speaker 1: can happen. I've met I've just met so many survivors

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Speaker 1: over the years that didn't know what happened to them

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Speaker 1: was rape because it was from someone that they knew,

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Speaker 1: a partner or a friend or a family member, and

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Speaker 1: they think, well, you know, that can't happen because I

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Speaker 1: know this person, or this is my uncle, they love me,

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Speaker 1: my family loves him, or my family would never believe

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Speaker 1: me over him. That just I think it's really important

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Speaker 1: that we have these conversations because it can be anyone.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not saying it's necessarily always going to be

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Speaker 1: a man. Statistically the chances are much greater. But if

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Speaker 1: you're going to have these, when you have conversations like this,

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Speaker 1: please do yourself and your child of favor and talk

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Speaker 1: to them as well about sexual violence and rape, because

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Speaker 1: otherwise it can lead to so much guilt and so

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Speaker 1: much shame and feeling like you're not worthy, you're not

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Speaker 1: good enough, you're not lovable, because that's exactly what happened

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Speaker 1: to me after my kidnapper raped me. I really doubted

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Speaker 1: whether or not I was good enough to be saved.

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Speaker 1: I doubted whether or not I was worthy to be saved.

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Speaker 1: I felt like if my parents knew what had happened

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Speaker 1: to me, that they would just say, oh, you know,

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Speaker 1: like this, that's too bad, But we still have five

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Speaker 1: other kids, and that's still a lot of kids, so

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Speaker 1: we'll we'll just have to write Elizabeth. Of course that

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Speaker 1: is not what they felt or thought, but having grown

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Speaker 1: up with that kind of mindset, never having had the

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Speaker 1: education on the differences, I didn't know that, and that's

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Speaker 1: just how I felt. I remember at that point. I

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Speaker 1: actually don't know if I fell asleep or if I

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Speaker 1: passed out, but one of the two happened. And when

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Speaker 1: I woke up, there was a piece of metal cable

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Speaker 1: and it was wrapped around my ankle and there were

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Speaker 1: bolts crushed into place so that I couldn't run away.

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Speaker 1: It was just long enough for me to lie down

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Speaker 1: inside the tent that they had set up, and then

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00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,560
Speaker 1: long enough for me to reach a bucket, and that

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Speaker 1: was as far as I could move. I mean, it

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Speaker 1: wasn't a lot. It was maybe twelve feet. I mean

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Speaker 1: that's maybe as far as I could move. And I

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00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,160
Speaker 1: really did feel like I had hit rock bottom in

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Speaker 1: that moment. And my captors, of course, they were they

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Speaker 1: were talking and talking about how things were going to go,

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Speaker 1: kind of what the rules were. They were telling me

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Speaker 1: I had a new name. They were telling me I

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Speaker 1: couldn't talk about my family, and they're saying all these

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Speaker 1: things about the future. And I'm looking around this camp

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Speaker 1: and I'm realizing, Wow, this is really hidden away, this

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00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,720
Speaker 1: is really difficult to get to. This is very well supplied.

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Speaker 1: They're talking about a future. I mean, they don't plan

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Speaker 1: on killing me yet, Like they plan on keeping me

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Speaker 1: for for a while. How long is that? Like, it

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00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,720
Speaker 1: doesn't sound like days, it sounds kind of more long term.

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Speaker 1: What if it's months. What if it's years. What if

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Speaker 1: it's so long that I actually forget who I am?

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Speaker 1: And that thought really scared me. Now I don't think

290
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Speaker 1: I would have actually forgotten who I was, but I

291
00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:57,080
Speaker 1: still had that fear regardless. And so I remember just thinking, Wow,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to remember everything about my life that I

293
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,359
Speaker 1: can prior to them kidnapping, and my parents were top

294
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Speaker 1: priority of that list of things to remember. And I

295
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,760
Speaker 1: remembered my mom one day, I'd come home from school

296
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Speaker 1: upset and she's trying to help me feel better, and

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Speaker 1: then she said, she said a whole bunch of things,

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Speaker 1: but one of the main things that she said was, Elizabeth,

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Speaker 1: you know, I may not always agree with everything that

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Speaker 1: you do, and I might not always like everyone you

301
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:30,400
Speaker 1: decide to interact with, and I may not like all

302
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,600
Speaker 1: the places you decide to go. But I'll always love

303
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,919
Speaker 1: you and nothing can ever change that. And as I

304
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,919
Speaker 1: sat on this mountain side remembering her telling me that,

305
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:44,320
Speaker 1: I realized that she was right, that she would always

306
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Speaker 1: love me. That she but it wouldn't matter to her.

307
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,399
Speaker 1: Love for me couldn't be altered because I'd been kidnapped,

308
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Speaker 1: or because I'd been raped, or because I'd been chained up.

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Speaker 1: And honestly, that was probably probably the single most important

310
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Speaker 1: thought I had while I was kidnapped, because in that moment,

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Speaker 1: I realized that I had something that my captors could

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Speaker 1: not take away. I mean, they'd taken me away from

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Speaker 1: my family, they'd taken my clothes away, they'd raped me,

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Speaker 1: they chained me up. I mean, they'd taken away my name,

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Speaker 1: they'd taken away my freedom. They'd taken away so much

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Speaker 1: they could they could take away my life if they

317
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Speaker 1: wanted to, But they could not take away the fact

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Speaker 1: that my mom would always love me, and so I

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00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,119
Speaker 1: made up my mind that that would be worth surviving

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Speaker 1: for that if it meant doing whatever I had to do,

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00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,040
Speaker 1: if it meant that, I would survive another day, And

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Speaker 1: so that's how I survived every day after that. I

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00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,600
Speaker 1: would whenever my captors put me in a situation that

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to be in, which, let's face it,

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00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,840
Speaker 1: that was every day. But if it was something that

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to do, or something that maybe I'd

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00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,440
Speaker 1: been raised not to do that I'd grown up believing

328
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Speaker 1: not to do, I would ask myself, what will happen

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Speaker 1: to me if I don't do this? And then I'd

330
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Speaker 1: ask myself what will happen to me if I do this?

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Speaker 1: And that's how I would gauge my decisions on what

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Speaker 1: to do. And eventually it did become more second nature,

333
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:32,400
Speaker 1: and from the outside looking in, it would be understandable

334
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:38,199
Speaker 1: how people wouldn't like, why people wouldn't understand why I

335
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,399
Speaker 1: did what they did, or why they would think I

336
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:46,160
Speaker 1: looked like like I was okay with it, or why

337
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:50,879
Speaker 1: I didn't appear to be struggling, because over you know,

338
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,960
Speaker 1: the last twenty years, over more than that, I have

339
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,440
Speaker 1: been questioned so many times like well, why didn't you

340
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,560
Speaker 1: run away, Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you yell?

341
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,000
Speaker 1: It was never because I didn't want to, and the

342
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:08,760
Speaker 1: few attempts that I made ended very badly. I was

343
00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:14,640
Speaker 1: punished brutally, and so I did get to a point

344
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,240
Speaker 1: where it just became second nature to do what they want,

345
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,520
Speaker 1: because I had learned that's how to survive. And in

346
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,399
Speaker 1: my mind when I thought about escaping, when I thought

347
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:29,639
Speaker 1: about making my bid for freedom, I wanted it to

348
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 1: be a sure thing. I did not want to risk

349
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Speaker 1: my life, and not only did I feel like my

350
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 1: life was at risk, but I also felt like my

351
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,560
Speaker 1: family's life was at risk because he threatened me every day,

352
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,320
Speaker 1: not just with my life, both my family's life as well.

353
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Speaker 1: And for nine months I had no reason not to

354
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Speaker 1: believe him. I mean, he followed through everything he threatened

355
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:56,920
Speaker 1: me with, so when he did make those threats, those

356
00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:00,720
Speaker 1: were very real threats. All the way up to the

357
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 1: day that I was rescued. During my captivity, my captors

358
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,720
Speaker 1: would take me to southern California. I had convinced them

359
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,119
Speaker 1: to come back to Utah. I felt like that was

360
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:18,880
Speaker 1: my best chance to escape, and I remember police officers

361
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:24,960
Speaker 1: approaching my captors and I, and they started questioning my captors,

362
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 1: and then they started questioning me, and initially I gave

363
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:30,480
Speaker 1: them the answers I had been told to give. Was

364
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,879
Speaker 1: I was scared to say anything that I was told

365
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,600
Speaker 1: not to say. My captors were still physically standing on

366
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,600
Speaker 1: either side of me. I mean, they were both touching me. Like,

367
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,040
Speaker 1: I did not feel like I was in a safe environment.

368
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,439
Speaker 1: I didn't know these police officers. I really had no

369
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:57,720
Speaker 1: interaction with police officers before. I just felt I didn't

370
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Speaker 1: feel safe. I didn't feel comfortable and the officers, I mean,

371
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,480
Speaker 1: I know they were doing their job, but at the

372
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:07,280
Speaker 1: same time, like they were very aggressive in their questioning

373
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Speaker 1: and I was a shy, scared girl, and so ultimately

374
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,879
Speaker 1: I was not able to admit who I was until

375
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:22,719
Speaker 1: they had separated me from my captors and questioned me alone.

376
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,960
Speaker 1: When I did admit who I was, they did handcuff

377
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,440
Speaker 1: me and put me in the back of the car

378
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,280
Speaker 1: and take me to the police station, at which point

379
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,880
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, my gosh, I made the wrong choice.

380
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 1: I should not have said anything. They think I'm guilty.

381
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,120
Speaker 1: They're going to send me to jail. They did eventually

382
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:43,679
Speaker 1: take the handcuffs off and I was reunited with my dad.

383
00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 1: Before he arrived, I was brought to this little, small room,

384
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:04,480
Speaker 1: and I just remember thinking, this is the holding cell.

385
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,440
Speaker 1: They're going to check me in, Like I thought, I

386
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,960
Speaker 1: was allowed a phone call. If they thought I was innocent,

387
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,119
Speaker 1: wouldn't they have taken me straight home? Wouldn't they have

388
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:17,400
Speaker 1: let me call my parents. They must think I'm guilty,

389
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 1: they must think that I've done something wrong. And I

390
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,760
Speaker 1: remember the door just bursting open, and that's when my

391
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,160
Speaker 1: dad appeared, and I remember he just came running over

392
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,720
Speaker 1: to me and he just grabbed me in this huge

393
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,760
Speaker 1: hug and he started crying and he kept on saying, Elizabeth,

394
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 1: is it really you? And that was the first time

395
00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:40,600
Speaker 1: in nine months that I felt safe. That was when

396
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,680
Speaker 1: I knew it was going to be okay, because even

397
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,120
Speaker 1: if I was in trouble, my dad was there, and

398
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,000
Speaker 1: I knew that he was never going to let another

399
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,600
Speaker 1: person hurt me the way that these two monsters had

400
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:56,879
Speaker 1: hurt me the last nine months. I was taken to

401
00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:59,439
Speaker 1: the police station, I was saying, to the hospital. I

402
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: was a actually brought home, and I remember getting home

403
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 1: and it genuinely felt like I mean, I felt like

404
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,640
Speaker 1: I was royalty. I felt like everything that had been

405
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: taken away from me had all of a sudden been

406
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 1: given back. There was carpet and running water, and I mean,

407
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,239
Speaker 1: most importantly, my family was all there, and I just

408
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,160
Speaker 1: remember being so happy that night. That is such a

409
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:31,159
Speaker 1: good memory for me. That night. The next morning, I

410
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:35,720
Speaker 1: was in talking with my mom and I was like

411
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,679
Speaker 1: turning around to leave her room, and she called me

412
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,439
Speaker 1: back and she said, you know, Elizabeth, what these people

413
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: have done to you is terrible. Their aunt were strong

414
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,280
Speaker 1: to describe how wicked and evil they are. They've stolen

415
00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:49,639
Speaker 1: nine months of your life that you will never get back.

416
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,240
Speaker 1: But the best punishment you could ever give them is

417
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,679
Speaker 1: to be happy. And initially when she said that advice,

418
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,200
Speaker 1: I was kind of like, why are you telling me this?

419
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,399
Speaker 1: Like I am happy, I'm at home, Like I was

420
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,560
Speaker 1: just rescued, Like my story is done, my story is over.

421
00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: Except it wasn't. I mean, my story is still being

422
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,240
Speaker 1: written today, just as all of our stories are. That

423
00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 1: was a chapter, certainly, but I mean there were lots

424
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: of hard things that have happened since then. I mean,

425
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,479
Speaker 1: going through the court experience was hard. Coming to terms

426
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 1: with like my own feelings was hard. Coming to love

427
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 1: myself again was hard because even though I'd been rescued

428
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,639
Speaker 1: in that moment and I was happy in that moment,

429
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 1: I mean that moment did eventually fade, and you know,

430
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,440
Speaker 1: I would go to church again, or I would sit

431
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:50,399
Speaker 1: in class again, and comments would be made and I

432
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 1: would feel less. Then I'd feel less than everyone else

433
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:57,680
Speaker 1: or not as good as everyone else. And so that

434
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:02,280
Speaker 1: took time to heal my relationship with myself. And even

435
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,200
Speaker 1: though logically I could always be like, yeah, I didn't

436
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,680
Speaker 1: choose to be kidnapped, I didn't choose to be raped,

437
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 1: I didn't choose to be heart or broken, I still

438
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:16,680
Speaker 1: felt that way and so that did take time. And

439
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 1: you know, there were many steps in my journey, and

440
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 1: I am often asked, well, you know, what did you

441
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 1: do for your healing, or like, have you tried this

442
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 1: therapy or what do you think of that therapy? And

443
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 1: first and foremost, I am a fan of therapy. When

444
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 1: I was first rescued, I did not understand what it was.

445
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,439
Speaker 1: I had a very antiquated idea of what it was,

446
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 1: and it was not something I feel like that was

447
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: openly spoken about back then, so I didn't want to

448
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: speak about what had happened. I was scared to open

449
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,200
Speaker 1: myself up and be vulnerable with other people because I thought,

450
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:57,720
Speaker 1: how could they possibly understand. They weren't there, they didn't

451
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 1: experience that. I don't even know this peron, and I

452
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 1: don't know what they have experienced. And if they have

453
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,000
Speaker 1: had nothing like even close to that, why would I

454
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: want to share like the worst parts of my life

455
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 1: with them? Why would I even want to talk about that.

456
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: I just like, I want to leave that in the

457
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:15,359
Speaker 1: past and I want to move forward now. Of course

458
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,199
Speaker 1: I know much better. But I will say there is

459
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:24,640
Speaker 1: no formula. There is no one size fits all. There

460
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 1: is no one modality of therapy that will work for everyone.

461
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,440
Speaker 1: And if you've ever been in therapy, if you've ever

462
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 1: experienced it, then you know that you are the one

463
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: who has to put the work in. And this is

464
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:45,880
Speaker 1: very much uh like, yes, there is a therapist there,

465
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 1: but like, if you're not willing to do the work,

466
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:56,479
Speaker 1: then really you're just wasting your money. So you have

467
00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 1: to find what works for you. And there's so many

468
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: different kinds of therapy in today's world. And there's so

469
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:06,800
Speaker 1: many different therapists, Like I can say, if you're struggling,

470
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 1: don't give up, don't be afraid to ask for help.

471
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 1: Keep trying and different therapies. Keep trying, you know, different

472
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,720
Speaker 1: healing pathways, positive things in your life until you figure

473
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,880
Speaker 1: out what works. Don't give up on yourself because no

474
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 1: matter what has happened to you, what someone else has

475
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,720
Speaker 1: done to you, or illness or loss of a job,

476
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 1: like you, you're worthy. Nobody else can take away your

477
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:39,000
Speaker 1: value in this world. You should never give up on yourself.

478
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 1: You should constantly be working on building that positive relationship

479
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 1: with yourself. I mean, like the mental voice that you

480
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:49,440
Speaker 1: hear inside your head, the one that it's so easy

481
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,760
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, I'm just going to speak about

482
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 1: myself for a minute. Not that I haven't been doing

483
00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,800
Speaker 1: that already, but it's so easy for like my brain

484
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:59,960
Speaker 1: to be like Elizabeth, like you should have done better.

485
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,520
Speaker 1: I expect more out of you, Like why why didn't

486
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 1: you push harder? Why didn't you dig deep? Or why

487
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:07,840
Speaker 1: weren't you smarter? Why weren't you more prepared? It's so

488
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 1: easy to have that kind of thinking, but I think

489
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 1: it's really important for us to try to flip it

490
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 1: to be like, you are so strong, Elizabeth. You are

491
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: so strong, You've survived every day of your life up

492
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: until now. You can keep going. You are so strong.

493
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,800
Speaker 1: Do not give up like you know, and if today

494
00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 1: doesn't work out the way you planned, You're going to

495
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,800
Speaker 1: try again tomorrow, and you're going to try again the

496
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 1: next day. You will figure this out. You will find

497
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 1: a way through. Like I think that positive relationship, that

498
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,680
Speaker 1: positive self talk, trying to switch your inner voice from

499
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:45,000
Speaker 1: negative to positive, I think is so important and really

500
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:50,959
Speaker 1: really powerful for ourselves. So definitely work on your relationship

501
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:55,360
Speaker 1: with yourself, because you're worth it. I would also say

502
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 1: that there isn't any I know. I know I've already

503
00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: said that there isn't anything that anyone can do to

504
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: you that can lose your value. But I really do

505
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: want to stress that everyone deserves to have happiness, Everyone

506
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:21,239
Speaker 1: deserves to be loved everyone, everyone deserves connection. And I

507
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:27,440
Speaker 1: have learned over the past long time that not not

508
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 1: all stories have happy endings, unfortunately, and in many cases

509
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:40,960
Speaker 1: of abuse and violence, most of the time comes from

510
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 1: people that you know. And so initially, when I was

511
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,920
Speaker 1: at home, when I first came home. As I said,

512
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 1: I was hesitant to share my story. I was hesitant

513
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,120
Speaker 1: to speak out because I didn't think anyone could understand.

514
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,600
Speaker 1: But then as years went by, began to meet more

515
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:57,600
Speaker 1: and more survivors, and I began to hear more and

516
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:04,520
Speaker 1: more stories, and I realize actually how common it is.

517
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:10,000
Speaker 1: It's important to share our stories because we're not alone.

518
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: There are so many other survivors. Whatever your story is,

519
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 1: there is someone out there who's experiencing the same thing.

520
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,880
Speaker 1: Maybe the details are different, maybe the circumstances are different,

521
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:25,640
Speaker 1: but there's someone out there who is experiencing the same thing.

522
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 1: And it's so powerful to know that you're not alone.

523
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,480
Speaker 1: When I came home, I did feel very alone, but

524
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,200
Speaker 1: now I don't because I know there are so many

525
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 1: other survivors out there. And that's why I share my story,

526
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: so that they know that they're not alone, so that

527
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 1: they know that there's someone else out there who's experienced

528
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,600
Speaker 1: the same thing and they don't need to be ashamed

529
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:51,360
Speaker 1: or embarrassed. And it also helped me realize how lucky

530
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 1: I am because I was kidnapped by a stranger. I

531
00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:59,760
Speaker 1: was raped by a stranger, and as I mentioned, most people.

532
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 1: If they're kidnapped or raped, they typically know they're perpetrators.

533
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:09,880
Speaker 1: And I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to

534
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,440
Speaker 1: ever trust again because that level of betrayal is so deep.

535
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 1: I cannot imagine how difficult it would be just to

536
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 1: climb into your own bed at night, because you might

537
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 1: not know who's going to climb into bed next to you.

538
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 1: So to all those survivors out there who are struggling

539
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:32,960
Speaker 1: with past abuse, like you are incredible, You are absolutely amazing,

540
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: You are so strong, Do not give up on yourself.

541
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:40,960
Speaker 1: And then finally, I would want you to know that, yes,

542
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:45,280
Speaker 1: it can feel like these chapters of our life define us.

543
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 1: It's so easy for me to go out and feel

544
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,960
Speaker 1: like when people come up and talk to me, they're

545
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:54,240
Speaker 1: just looking at me as Elizabeth Smart, the girl that

546
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 1: was kidnapped. And sometimes I think, but that's not all,

547
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,720
Speaker 1: that's not all of me, Like I'm so much more

548
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,600
Speaker 1: than just that one part of my life. I mean,

549
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:12,480
Speaker 1: now I'm married, and I have kids, and I like running,

550
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 1: and I like reading books, and I don't like doing dishes,

551
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,359
Speaker 1: but yet I find myself doing them every day nonetheless.

552
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,879
Speaker 1: But I mean, like we are all so much more

553
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,399
Speaker 1: than the worst moments of our life. And yes, other

554
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 1: people might look at you that way, but ultimately, I

555
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 1: feel like we define ourselves, and we define ourselves not

556
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:39,439
Speaker 1: so much by what happens to us, but how we

557
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,640
Speaker 1: respond and what we do next. We define ourselves through

558
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:48,400
Speaker 1: our actions and our choiceices. And so don't give up

559
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:51,880
Speaker 1: on yourself. I mean, keep believing in yourself, share your story,

560
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:55,720
Speaker 1: love yourself, give yourself some grace, and remember you choose

561
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,399
Speaker 1: who you get to be. And so with that being said,

562
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,480
Speaker 1: I just want to say thank you again for allowing

563
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:05,319
Speaker 1: me to guest host this this session, this podcast of

564
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: Let's Be Clear. Thank you and God bless you. M

565
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:11,440
Speaker 1: M m m