1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:02,240 Speaker 1: Love. 2 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 2: All right, welcome back everybody to another episode of Wide Open. 3 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,599 Speaker 2: I am your host, Ashlyn Harris, and today we have 4 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 2: the very beautiful and talented Carolyn. 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 3: We are welcome to the show, Babe. 6 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,400 Speaker 1: Thank you, thanks for having me. 7 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, if those of you out there don't 8 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 2: know listeners or whoever's watching, Carolyn was on Survivor and 9 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 2: the newest season of Traders, which you had an iconic run. Honestly, 10 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 2: I think everyone can safely say that you and Gabby 11 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,640 Speaker 2: have been the MVPs of this show. 12 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:50,919 Speaker 3: You've actually made it. 13 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 2: So thanks for giving us all entertainment and to get 14 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 2: out of our realities in the real world, because fuck 15 00:00:58,440 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 2: we need it right now. 16 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 1: Right these shows due. And when I was watching season two, 17 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 1: because I don't just watch I don't watch a lot 18 00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: of TV. I really don't. I never have. Uh So 19 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: I'm not into like I don't I absolutely don't watch 20 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: like The Bachelor, Big Brother. I don't watch a ton 21 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,240 Speaker 1: of shows. But when I was, I do love the Traders. 22 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,760 Speaker 1: And so when I got a call while season two 23 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:24,200 Speaker 1: was filmed, was was uh playing live? I just was. 24 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: I was aesthetic. I was literally wearing a cloak, wearing 25 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,039 Speaker 1: my poverty head bands where I because I would dress 26 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 1: up while I watch because that's how I am like 27 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,760 Speaker 1: to make it fun. And then I never thought I 28 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 1: would be on though. 29 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, fully committed. 30 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 2: I'll tell you what. Though it is a great show. 31 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 2: It has been so fun to see. This is why 32 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:50,120 Speaker 2: I love unscripted stuff, to really see people's personalities, because 33 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 2: it really is. It's like bananas every week, every episode. 34 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 2: It's just like you have no idea what's gonna happen, 35 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 2: and it's always bad, shit crazy, which is fun and 36 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 2: it's entertaining, and like I love that part because I'm 37 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 2: not a reality television kind of girl either. But you know, 38 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,280 Speaker 2: when I see my gay girlies out there tat it up, 39 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 2: I'm like here to support. 40 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 3: What do you need? 41 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,919 Speaker 2: I'm in And I just love the personality you all 42 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,919 Speaker 2: are bringing to the table, even outside of the show, 43 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,839 Speaker 2: to really get to know who you are and how 44 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 2: you show up in the world. And that's why I 45 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 2: love this podcast so much. Wide Open for Me is 46 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 2: so much about who we are outside of what we do, 47 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 2: and you hit and check every box. Your story has 48 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:45,320 Speaker 2: been so inspiring. It has been absolutely incredible to hear 49 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:53,040 Speaker 2: and witness what you've done and you know addiction and gosh, 50 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:58,399 Speaker 2: I mean you're so open and honest in every interview 51 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 2: on your social media about the life you've walked. And 52 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,880 Speaker 2: I want to start from the beginning because I do 53 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 2: think it's important before we like just put the cherry 54 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 2: on top and everyone sees you, you know, for the 55 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 2: way you are now, there was a lot that happened 56 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,000 Speaker 2: before that. So I who's the Carolyn that was the 57 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,640 Speaker 2: little girl you know? 58 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 3: Growing up? 59 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 2: What was it like? What did you want to be? 60 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 2: Who did you want to be? Where did things take 61 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 2: a turn? 62 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,399 Speaker 1: See, that's the thing, because I mean I grew up 63 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,079 Speaker 1: in a supportive family, Like I didn't have a lot 64 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: of people will think too like with addiction, it's like 65 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: there's all this like horrible stuff that happened like in 66 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,520 Speaker 1: my childhood or No, my parents were truly great, Like 67 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 1: my dad was super supportive. I had like a supportive upbringing. 68 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 1: But it was like I was this feeling like Okay, 69 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 1: I want to just like the risk taking and I 70 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 1: want to like see how far I can like just 71 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: get away with something or and I think even to 72 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 1: an extent now, like it's like that always is like 73 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: a part of me, and I have to watch it 74 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: because it's like, okay, no, like you're gonna get in trouble. 75 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: Don't do that. You know, remember like Paris Hilton where 76 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 1: it was almost like bad attention is any attention? But yeah, 77 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 1: like when to her and Nicole, like when they were 78 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: just being all naughty, that's like how I felt like 79 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: where it's just like I was doing stuff and it's 80 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,840 Speaker 1: crazy because I did. I watched this Jenna Jamison you 81 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 1: true Hollywood story. I don't know if you remember that, 82 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,799 Speaker 1: and she like, oh yeah, braces off and she became 83 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: a stray and I was like, whoa that sounds why 84 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,359 Speaker 1: was I? And I do? I grew up blaing sports. 85 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: I grew up like in support, but I had this 86 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: like oh I want to be badd meant yes, and 87 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: so once you get started on and like that's the 88 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: thing with addiction. So it was like, Okay, I'm gonna 89 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 1: try to rip my braces off, so let me see 90 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: if I can be a stripper, like it's like Waites. 91 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,479 Speaker 1: So yeah, I tried literally tried to rip my braces off. 92 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 1: I was I was sixteen years old. And as soon 93 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: as they had the because I didn't want to like 94 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,280 Speaker 1: be de ployd at a strip club, you know what 95 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: I'm saying. Yeah, And so I'm like, okay, how can 96 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 1: I do this? And as soon as and I had 97 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: a fake name, and then I'm like as soon as 98 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 1: they made me like do the social security like put 99 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 1: my social Security number, I'm like, okay, that's where I 100 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,159 Speaker 1: got to like just roll out. I can't have my 101 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: like what am I going to fill out do tax 102 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,839 Speaker 1: forms for? Like no? And so I rolled out. And 103 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,160 Speaker 1: I had my dad, like many times in my life, 104 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: just try to intervene and try to just like save 105 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 1: me so to speak. I try, I and so he 106 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 1: always was trying to get me down the right path. 107 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,120 Speaker 1: But I was I was experimenting with drugs, with alcohol. 108 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,040 Speaker 1: And then I went I still I graduated. I went 109 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 1: to college. I transferred so many different times that I 110 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,919 Speaker 1: ended up not even graduate like technically graduating, but I 111 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 1: didn't even know it until three years later, which is crazy. 112 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,919 Speaker 1: But I had I would go and I would move 113 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: and I would start at another school, and there's that 114 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,039 Speaker 1: saying everywhere you go there you are yeah, no shit, 115 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: And so I would try to create a whole new 116 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,920 Speaker 1: like oh, I'm new, and everything would happen all over 117 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: again because I was still using and still drinking. So 118 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: I would try to like restart, and I ended up 119 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:16,960 Speaker 1: transferring five different times, five different schools, and doing the 120 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: same thing over and over and over and over. I 121 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,440 Speaker 1: remember I transferred to this one school and before school 122 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: even started, I got arrested. It was just like the same, 123 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: and I remember they had like the story and like 124 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: the student newspaper, and I was so frickin embarrassed, like 125 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: I was I was. I just felt like stupid, like 126 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,720 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, like whom. I remember, I got a 127 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: job at the dairy Queen to like play off my fines, 128 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: and then I'm like I can't work, Like of course 129 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,800 Speaker 1: I'm too good for the dairy Queen. So I like, lie, 130 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,520 Speaker 1: didn't even last a few hours there. But I'm like 131 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,400 Speaker 1: what am I? What am I going to be? Like? 132 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: What can I do with my life? And I remember 133 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 1: so many times my dad coming in and just trying 134 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: to be like there was one time he came to 135 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: my my I was lipping in like a whatever in 136 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 1: college and I just still have this vision of him, 137 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 1: and I think I had just overdosed or something. I 138 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: was in the hospital, and I don't remember any of this, 139 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 1: Like I truly, if I hadn't have seen like in 140 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: SAE with like getting arrested, I wouldn't. It's like I 141 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,080 Speaker 1: just blacked it out while I was blacked out. And 142 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 1: I remember there would be times where I would have 143 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 1: like fines or and I would hide him in my 144 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,960 Speaker 1: room and then I would think like, Okay, I'm gonna 145 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 1: wake up, and it's not. None of that works. None 146 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 1: of that works. And so I have these like vivid 147 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: memories of my dad just like begging me to stop. 148 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: There was one time I'm like what I was in 149 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 1: the hospital. I don't even remember getting there, and then 150 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 1: I remember, But I do have this like vision of 151 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 1: my dad like being in the like the patio door. 152 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: He had a bag of like just a whole big 153 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: like a loaf of bread and then like a thing 154 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: of chicken. 155 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 3: Just to be crazy, the things that your mind remembers. 156 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 1: That's what I remember. And he's like you to get 157 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: like get out of we gotta get you out of here. 158 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,679 Speaker 1: We gotta And I remember I was like getting ready 159 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: for a night out, and boy, like it's such a 160 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 1: false it's such a false like I had so many 161 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:15,480 Speaker 1: beliefs back then about like what, uh, all younger people 162 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: drink and are partying and like, no, not everyone lives 163 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: this like life of just crazy, you know what I'm saying. Like, 164 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: and I thought that, But those were the people that 165 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 1: I was surrounding myself with. So when I got sober. 166 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,320 Speaker 3: So what made you get sober? Let's go there myself. 167 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 2: But it sounds like you when you talk about the 168 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 2: need and want to continue to start over in new environments, 169 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:44,160 Speaker 2: to me, that sounds like you were running from something. 170 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,480 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, totally. 171 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 3: So what were you running from? 172 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 2: Like what made you want that type of because some 173 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 2: people hate the thought of starting over. It's like a 174 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 2: new challenge, right some people like to be uncomfortable, some 175 00:08:56,679 --> 00:09:00,120 Speaker 2: people don't. So it sounds like you enjoy it, which 176 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,600 Speaker 2: is what makes you great on all these shows as well. 177 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 2: But what were you running from? 178 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 1: Myself? Because again I would go I would go to 179 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,640 Speaker 1: a school and I would get arrested, I would get 180 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 1: in trouble and it would it was embarrassing, Like it 181 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 1: was truly embarrassing. So I was known as that person 182 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: just like, oh, that's the one who had to go 183 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: to the hospital. Or that's like it was embarrassing, like 184 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,200 Speaker 1: that's the one who like passed out over here on 185 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 1: the sidewalk or whatever, that's the one. So like there 186 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 1: was stories that followed me, and so it truly it 187 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 1: just was like I don't want to be this person, 188 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 1: and I didn't like I would feel like sober up 189 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,079 Speaker 1: and no one wants to no one wants to be that. 190 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 1: So I would be like, Okay, I can start new 191 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: and start fresh, but never ever changing a damn thing. 192 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 1: So it's like, no, shit, it's going to be the 193 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:48,200 Speaker 1: same result everywhere I go. But just the embarrassment of 194 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,560 Speaker 1: like everything I did, so the shame all shame. So 195 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,120 Speaker 1: I felt like shit, and even talking about it now, 196 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:59,480 Speaker 1: it's like I just don't I don't care, Like this 197 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: is real life and I'm not that person anymore. And 198 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: I truly do believe in just being super open because 199 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,680 Speaker 1: that's how we connect with people. That's how I'm able 200 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,320 Speaker 1: to just relate to people and just truly connect. I 201 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,960 Speaker 1: didn't have that when I was so when I wasn't sober, 202 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,400 Speaker 1: so there was nothing more that I crave than just 203 00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: real communication, authentic connections with people, and so I put 204 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: it all out there, which it does scare people. I 205 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: don't like it does even now, like it's like, oh 206 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 1: that's a little bit too much. So I know right 207 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 1: away when I'm like talking with someone or am I 208 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,600 Speaker 1: gonna vibe with this person or not? I don't connect 209 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,520 Speaker 1: over small talk. I am right away like what's your trauma? 210 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:42,280 Speaker 1: What have you been? 211 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:46,080 Speaker 2: But that we have to be able to talk about it, 212 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,559 Speaker 2: to unpack it, to share our scars, because so many 213 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 2: people are living silent battles and it is our job 214 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,320 Speaker 2: to be brave enough in our story and sit in 215 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,280 Speaker 2: it to be able to tell it and live it 216 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 2: through story and through sharing. Like I, I have been 217 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 2: an addict. I have done things I am not proud of. 218 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 2: I was a professional athlete for a very long time 219 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 2: and I still didn't get a lot of shit right. 220 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 2: And somehow I was really fucking good at making people 221 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 2: believe I had it all together. 222 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 1: Yoh how exhausting though too. 223 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,160 Speaker 3: Yes it is. 224 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,760 Speaker 2: And that's where I guess my next question, which I 225 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 2: ask everyone on the podcast, you know, what was the 226 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,559 Speaker 2: moment that split you wide open? 227 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 3: Like, what was that. 228 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 2: Moment in your life that really the light switched on 229 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:32,640 Speaker 2: that changed everything? 230 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:37,440 Speaker 1: My like moment, My big moment was I had moved 231 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 1: so many different times and it was the same result 232 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,800 Speaker 1: every single time. And I got to this point. Well, first, 233 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: first of all, I had like court mandated treatments and 234 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,319 Speaker 1: all of that, and my last one, so my last treatment, 235 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:58,040 Speaker 1: I had this counselor who just was like, okay, pointed 236 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,560 Speaker 1: out all these things in my life, and the first 237 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,720 Speaker 1: time it just I was kind of like, oh shit, 238 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: this makes sense. This makes sense. Yeah. And he was like, 239 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: why don't you just give this a chance. Why don't 240 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: you just try it, see how you like it, go 241 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: back to the other way if that's what you want 242 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,520 Speaker 1: to do, But why don't you just give this? And 243 00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:19,679 Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, what do I have to do? And 244 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,960 Speaker 1: I got a calendar and he told me to write 245 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 1: it down, check the days off that you're sober, and 246 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: I'm thinking, like and it truly became this thing where 247 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 1: I was checking off the days, checking off, the day 248 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 1: is checking and it became a lifestyle. It became something 249 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 1: that I started to buy into. I would go I 250 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: would go to meetings and I would listen to people 251 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: who've had like a year, and I would tell myself, 252 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: hell no, I wouldn't. I'm not gonna get there because 253 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,440 Speaker 1: I and I didn't even want to at the time 254 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 1: because I'm like a baby, and it's like if you 255 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,720 Speaker 1: tell me anything like you're never ever gonna be able 256 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 1: to do this again or use or do blah blah blah, 257 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,880 Speaker 1: it's like I'll prove you wrong. 258 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 3: Yeah. 259 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: I still had that stupid mentality. But what what the 260 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 1: huge change was was like, oh my god, I started 261 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: to buy into it. But I hated myself before that, 262 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,560 Speaker 1: and I felt so shitty that it was like it 263 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: was never ever like Okay, I'm overdosing or I'm getting 264 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,760 Speaker 1: arrested or I'm letting these people down. That was not 265 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,439 Speaker 1: like my bottom, and I personally don't even believe in 266 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: bottom because I feel like the bottom is death, like 267 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 1: people said, like that's the I could have kept going. 268 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: It was not being able to look at myself in 269 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:28,200 Speaker 1: the mirror and then truly just giving it a chance 270 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,559 Speaker 1: and being like, oh my god, like I can't go 271 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 1: back the other way, and I truly look forward. I 272 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,080 Speaker 1: started to look forward to things, but I didn't know 273 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:41,319 Speaker 1: who the hell I was. So I cut my hair off. 274 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 1: I like dyed it brown. I did like I didn't 275 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 1: know how to dress like I would only wear like black, 276 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: and I was trying to be super serious because I 277 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,000 Speaker 1: didn't know if my personality. I'm like, is this like 278 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: a product of drugs? I didn't know, and so I 279 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,920 Speaker 1: was like is this like, uh, is this or is this? 280 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,680 Speaker 1: I didn't know. And again, my whole life, even before, 281 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,199 Speaker 1: even before addiction, I was the hyper kid. I was 282 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 1: the kidding class. And I remember being separated from the 283 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:13,320 Speaker 1: rest of my class, like you're like, way sametyh. 284 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 3: Same honey. 285 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,079 Speaker 2: I was in the portables and the blacktop in the 286 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 2: back of the school. 287 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: Yes, and that's it's like think when teachers wouldn't even 288 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,480 Speaker 1: be we can't do that anymore, come on. But I 289 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 1: was told like, don't talk to anybody unless you're spoken to. 290 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,480 Speaker 1: I mean, it was horrible. So from a young age 291 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,840 Speaker 1: it was like there is something wrong with you. I 292 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: felt that early on. So growing up it was like, oh, 293 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 1: so I didn't know who I was, and I did 294 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 1: all the chameleon stuff and trying to talk a different 295 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 1: way or trying to and so. 296 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:45,480 Speaker 2: Fit in, fit in, and fit in outside of our 297 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,120 Speaker 2: own fucking circumstance. 298 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 3: And people like us are so good at it, like sucks. 299 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,360 Speaker 2: So good at it with that, because it's interesting right 300 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 2: when you unpack who you were as an addict and 301 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 2: you know, abusing alcohol or whatever the case with is 302 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:07,640 Speaker 2: did you have a complex and finding a new identity 303 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 2: or were you were you the same inside the whole time? 304 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 2: Like because because I do, I think you transition into 305 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 2: this new person and the way you show up you 306 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 2: become you actually get credentials to be. 307 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 3: A licensed counselor correct. 308 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,520 Speaker 2: Life coach, Like you really made a lot of heavy changes. 309 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 2: But I'm curious about your identity because I do think 310 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 2: that's a big question mark of who I was before 311 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 2: I was sober, and what is that going to look 312 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 2: like now that I am so I. 313 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,080 Speaker 1: Didn't I had no idea who I was and that's 314 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 1: the truth. And so what I did what I did 315 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,680 Speaker 1: was I because I didn't know, like is this is? 316 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 1: I know, I've always been kind of quirky and loud 317 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: and whatever. It truly came down to just embrace seeing 318 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: it and being okay with it, because like I said, 319 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 1: the first year, I was like I cut my hair off. 320 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,520 Speaker 1: I was trying to be really serious and I'm like, 321 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,680 Speaker 1: what the hell am I doing this isn't me And 322 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: obviously as we grow older we change anyway. But it 323 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,680 Speaker 1: was like I need to figure out who I am, 324 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,280 Speaker 1: and I really did. I did so much therapy, I 325 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: was in treatment, and I just used this that opportunity 326 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 1: that time to just everything I didn't like about myself. Everything. 327 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:31,360 Speaker 1: And I'm not talking like everything that society's pointed out 328 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 1: and said that it is weird or is different. No, 329 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: things that I truly like was uncomfortable with. I remember 330 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 1: wanting to be able to communicate more, share my feelings more. 331 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: I didn't want to hold things in. That's why I'm 332 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,600 Speaker 1: so emotional now. It's like I don't care if I'm crying, right, 333 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 1: like I cry over everything. I don't care. I don't 334 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:51,360 Speaker 1: want to learn how to manage my tears or my emotions. 335 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 1: I don't want to I let it out. I don't. 336 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,760 Speaker 1: I don't care what anyone says about that, like emotional regulation. Please. 337 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,320 Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of power and bravery, and 338 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 2: so I love that you choose to not filter your 339 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 2: emotional connection with people. I think there's so much beauty 340 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,040 Speaker 2: in it, and that's I think what makes you special 341 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,080 Speaker 2: and why people love you on these shows because they 342 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,360 Speaker 2: can feel it. It's not it's not bullshit. People don't 343 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,439 Speaker 2: smell bullshit right away. 344 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely absolutely. And so this has been just like 345 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:30,080 Speaker 1: a discovering who I am through really like truly hard 346 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:34,119 Speaker 1: work and therapy and just acceptance of self and trying 347 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,080 Speaker 1: new things. I didn't have any like, I didn't know. 348 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,920 Speaker 1: I like, what are my interests? What are I had 349 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 1: no idea anymore. So I literally like just I thought 350 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: back to my childhood, everything that that made me happy 351 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 1: when I was a kid, and I just started from 352 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:51,439 Speaker 1: there and I started volunteering at a rabbit rescue. I started, 353 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: I was playing like softball and I was in a 354 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,040 Speaker 1: bowling league and doing all this bullshit. 355 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,280 Speaker 3: That it sounds lit actually like it was like at. 356 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,359 Speaker 1: The time, I was like, what the heck am I? Like, 357 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: it was very like it wasn't the norm for me, 358 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,919 Speaker 1: but it felt good to just put myself outside of 359 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: my comfort zone and just figure out who I was. 360 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:16,200 Speaker 1: And actually I realized that like before, all of my connections, 361 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 1: all my relationships were bullshit. It was all just surface 362 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,920 Speaker 1: level b as conversations and what are we bonding over? 363 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,959 Speaker 1: Like a bunch of bullshit? So I did. I'm like, 364 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,879 Speaker 1: if I wasn't like drinking or using with these people, 365 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,359 Speaker 1: what would we have in common? What? Nothing? So I'm like, 366 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: I never want to go back to that. I never 367 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,119 Speaker 1: want to just go back to like plopping on the 368 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:41,880 Speaker 1: couch and doing nothing and having no actual real connection 369 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,560 Speaker 1: with people. So I really was like, that's what motivated 370 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,880 Speaker 1: me to to just like I'm having those deep conversations. 371 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: I'm gonna actually have real relationships with people. So I 372 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: just don't do surface anymore. I really struggle, and even 373 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,720 Speaker 1: in these shows, I struggle because it's like I don't 374 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: I can't do God when we would go down to 375 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 1: the breakfast room and all that and like, Hi, it's 376 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:10,400 Speaker 1: hard for me. I don't so like the first impressions. 377 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:14,840 Speaker 1: I'm terrible at getting to know people. Like that's why, 378 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: like let's not even talk about dating, because no, thank you, 379 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:20,640 Speaker 1: Like I break people out. 380 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,920 Speaker 2: This is wide open and I'm your host, Ashlyn Harris. 381 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,920 Speaker 3: Thanks for listening. We'll be right back. 382 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,520 Speaker 2: I think of what people don't realize, and this might 383 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,080 Speaker 2: not be true to you. So I'm curious because like 384 00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 2: when you talk like I see a lot of my 385 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:45,240 Speaker 2: experience in your storytelling, and I think a big key 386 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 2: component in my healing was to. 387 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:48,880 Speaker 3: Help other people heal. 388 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 2: Yes, I think that is the greatest gift and grief 389 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,439 Speaker 2: is while you're healing, to be able to serve other people. 390 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 2: There is nothing more humbling and more just profound to think, 391 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:12,600 Speaker 2: in a moment of such extreme survival, that you're willing 392 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:18,640 Speaker 2: to be selfless enough to serve. That is so profound 393 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,720 Speaker 2: to me. And it's the way I live my life 394 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,320 Speaker 2: and now how I choose to show up in every season, 395 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:26,359 Speaker 2: whether good or bad, is how do I serve the 396 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 2: people around me when they won't give anything back to me? 397 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:35,159 Speaker 2: How do I still find something in me to provide 398 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 2: a better life for them, a better opportunity, a better 399 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 2: way for them to see themselves, and maybe eventually to 400 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:47,119 Speaker 2: serve others for good in their own circumstance. So I 401 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:52,640 Speaker 2: would assume you feel that because you are a servant 402 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,960 Speaker 2: of other people. Now it's what you did through your 403 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,879 Speaker 2: own sobriety is to help counsel others. 404 00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 3: Do you feel that's true to you as well? 405 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: Absolutely? But in the same regard too, I've been learning 406 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: to do and this is like only recently because like 407 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:13,919 Speaker 1: even just getting out of a bad relationship, and I 408 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,880 Speaker 1: was starting because I had just quit like my full 409 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 1: time job, and I was gonna go do the life 410 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,960 Speaker 1: coaching stuff and just go essentially be my own boss, 411 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,040 Speaker 1: do my own stuff. And I mean it was scary 412 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: when I became a drug counselor. It was like I 413 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:33,480 Speaker 1: told myself back then, I can't struggle anymore. I used 414 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,439 Speaker 1: to tell myself, especially early on in recovery, that like, 415 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 1: I need to use all this time to like fix 416 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,919 Speaker 1: myself and then be done and ready to help others. 417 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,800 Speaker 1: I have now learned throughout like the last fifteen years 418 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,760 Speaker 1: that it's like struggles are still gonna happen, and that 419 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I still can't show up for other people, 420 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:53,919 Speaker 1: because I used to think that, like I can't be 421 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: like because I'm hard on myself sometimes. And it's like 422 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:01,320 Speaker 1: even when I left, there's really and I was just 423 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,680 Speaker 1: really starting over. I'm like, am I in a position 424 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,080 Speaker 1: to even be able to help people right now? And 425 00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 1: then I'm like, you know what, screw that's the that's 426 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 1: the best time to help people. I'm there's certain experiences 427 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,800 Speaker 1: that I've been through that are that have forever changed 428 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,480 Speaker 1: me and it's like I'm never going to be fully 429 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,720 Speaker 1: healed from like a lot of the stuff that I've 430 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:23,359 Speaker 1: been through. So it's like, no, it helps me to 431 00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 1: help other people. And it again, I don't ever want 432 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: to like come off like I have it all together, 433 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,439 Speaker 1: I'm perfect. I'm not. That's the first thing I say 434 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,080 Speaker 1: when I meet with people. But also that's why people 435 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,440 Speaker 1: will schedule sessions with me, is because they're like, you're 436 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,960 Speaker 1: not perfect. You don't present to be perfect. No one 437 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,880 Speaker 1: wants to be meeting with someone and sharing all their 438 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:47,160 Speaker 1: secrets or sharing all their trauma or pain or addiction 439 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,840 Speaker 1: stuff with somebody who was perfect. And so it's like. 440 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:57,400 Speaker 2: We get judged enough, like carrying other people's expectations and judgments. 441 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 2: It's just I don't have the energy in space to 442 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,919 Speaker 2: do anymore. And I love that about you. So what 443 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,159 Speaker 2: led you to reality television all of a sudden? Like what, Okay, 444 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,399 Speaker 2: I want to go on survivor boom. 445 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 1: Don't even get me started, because I've never I've. 446 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 3: Never Like that's some real shit, Like yeah, that's not. 447 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 1: Easy, truly, Like just I'm not kidding you, it is. 448 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:27,040 Speaker 1: It's so random, and now, like looking back, I'm like girl. 449 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,159 Speaker 1: I wish I would have done this earlier. But at 450 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: the same time, I'm like no, because I was so 451 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,440 Speaker 1: messed up back then that like please, but. 452 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:35,159 Speaker 2: No. 453 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,640 Speaker 1: It was I had grown up watching the show, watching Survivor. 454 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,960 Speaker 1: I stopped watching it, like I think a lot of 455 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 1: people did. 456 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,360 Speaker 3: Like it was like, well, there's like a hundred seasons 457 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 3: at this point. 458 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, like there's so many, and so I staid stopped 459 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: watching it. Then I got back into it. I'm like, wow, 460 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 1: this would like this would be cool. And I remember 461 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 1: like I was playing like online Survivor games with my 462 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 1: sister and stuff, and it just I don't even know why, 463 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:03,800 Speaker 1: for fun whatever, like something to do, and I would 464 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 1: get so into it. So it was completely like out 465 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:07,959 Speaker 1: of the blue. I was playing one of my like 466 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,280 Speaker 1: online games, and I believe like someone at work or 467 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,680 Speaker 1: something was like, gosh, you'd be like have you ever 468 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,920 Speaker 1: thought about applying or just like connecting with other fans 469 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,960 Speaker 1: or other people who love the show. They're like, you'd 470 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,440 Speaker 1: be great. I'm like seriously, and I just out of nowhere, 471 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 1: I just applied and I got a call right away, 472 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 1: and I couldn't believe. I'm like what, like I didn't 473 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,840 Speaker 1: think I would. I just sent in some video. It 474 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,520 Speaker 1: was not good in my opinion, but then I got 475 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,560 Speaker 1: rejected for like two years later, and then I finally 476 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:35,920 Speaker 1: got one. 477 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. 478 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,960 Speaker 2: So you just like it's just an audition process. You're like, 479 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,920 Speaker 2: you know what, I really liked the show. I think 480 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,639 Speaker 2: i'd be a great like asset to it. I'm just 481 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 2: gonna like make the phone call, look it up and 482 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:48,920 Speaker 2: sign myself up. 483 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:53,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, it really was random. I had no desire to 484 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,840 Speaker 1: I I made this video because I was doing like 485 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,359 Speaker 1: video diaries before I left, and I'd literally say in 486 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,480 Speaker 1: that I say, Okay, this is just a small piece 487 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,400 Speaker 1: of my life, a small little segment, and then I'm 488 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,000 Speaker 1: gonna go back into my real life and then this 489 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,320 Speaker 1: is gonna be over. I say that because I had 490 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,399 Speaker 1: zero intention, zero intention of like doing anything else. After 491 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,760 Speaker 1: I thought, oh, that was one of the things that 492 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,080 Speaker 1: inspired me to apply to is. I was like, there's 493 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,880 Speaker 1: just not like, aren't they like, isn't there anyone else 494 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,879 Speaker 1: like me? And it's like, yeah, you don't. And so 495 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,159 Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, I'm not relating to these people, 496 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,359 Speaker 1: like heck, no, do they feel No, I'm I want 497 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,080 Speaker 1: to I and I started to get this dream of like, 498 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,640 Speaker 1: I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna be myself 499 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:48,120 Speaker 1: in a game where everybody is like lies about everything. 500 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:49,959 Speaker 1: So I'm like, let me see if I can do it. 501 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,720 Speaker 1: And I totally thought that I'm gonna go out there, 502 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 1: Everyone's gonna make fun of me. I'm gonna be like 503 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,120 Speaker 1: the freak of the season. That's truly what I thought. 504 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 1: But I was like, I don't fucking care. Yeah, I'm 505 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,359 Speaker 1: gonna do it anyway, and I'm going to just put 506 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,399 Speaker 1: it all out there. I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna scare people, 507 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 1: not on purpose, but like and I'm still let it 508 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:09,919 Speaker 1: out and see what happens. 509 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, but what why would you? 510 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,879 Speaker 2: I think it's interesting that you say that because you 511 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 2: say it so often, Like what are people gonna make 512 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 2: make fun of the fact that you're just real and honest? 513 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:25,200 Speaker 2: Like that's the beauty of knowing yourself and like actually 514 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,960 Speaker 2: showing up exactly who you are. 515 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,400 Speaker 3: There are women who. 516 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:32,160 Speaker 2: Are still fifty sixty years old who are just so suppressed, 517 00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:34,920 Speaker 2: and so I want to make sure I gotta fit 518 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,359 Speaker 2: this like mold and I got to be this perfect 519 00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:40,359 Speaker 2: little HOUSEWI mean I have to do, you know, clean 520 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 2: and cook and be in the kitchen, and I'm like, no, 521 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:43,639 Speaker 2: we need to blow that. 522 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 3: Shut up. That's that's actually not great. 523 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 2: If you want to do that, totally support it, but 524 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 2: like stop pretending. 525 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:50,800 Speaker 3: Let's just be real. 526 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:51,520 Speaker 1: Yep. 527 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,320 Speaker 2: And I think the differences are what makes make us 528 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,800 Speaker 2: all so beautiful. Why not just show up exactly who 529 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 2: the fuck you are and be totally unapologetic about it. 530 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,159 Speaker 3: I think that's why people love you. 531 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,680 Speaker 2: Why do you think Sea all of a sudden is 532 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 2: sending you six figure checks being like I know this 533 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,680 Speaker 2: bitch loss, but she brought us all so much joy. 534 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,160 Speaker 3: She should win something like that's you just being you. 535 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:20,720 Speaker 1: And that's what Oh gosh, that was a that truly 536 00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:24,960 Speaker 1: again it's like just feeling that from her and having 537 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: her car and then even just the or the zoom 538 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 1: and then meeting her in person and like it is 539 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: I was like I never thought that that stuff would happen. 540 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:39,560 Speaker 1: And again it's like I might say, I guess I 541 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:44,159 Speaker 1: just know how like typically people like me are edited 542 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,160 Speaker 1: on like shows like this and. 543 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:48,240 Speaker 2: Tell me about that. That's what I want to know 544 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:52,160 Speaker 2: you just that is what? How real is it? Because 545 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,320 Speaker 2: you know what we see in our house with Survivor 546 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,400 Speaker 2: and Traders, Like, I don't know what's really fucking going 547 00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,000 Speaker 2: down there. 548 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:00,920 Speaker 3: I don't know how just filtered. 549 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,160 Speaker 1: Oh. When it came to Survivor, I was like they 550 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,240 Speaker 1: showed absolutely everything, Like there was not like people would 551 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 1: be like, is there anything that they didn't show of 552 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 1: you or a scene. I'm like, I can't think of 553 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,440 Speaker 1: anything they showed really yeah, Like I can't even be like, oh, 554 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:22,360 Speaker 1: they edited. There's certain things like like where you for example, 555 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:25,679 Speaker 1: when the season first started. It's just it's like I 556 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,679 Speaker 1: would say, like the first two episodes, I'm just like 557 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:32,240 Speaker 1: flailing and screaming and like whoah and being super loud 558 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,360 Speaker 1: and like probably a little annoying. But they and they 559 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 1: easily could have just shown that the whole season is 560 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,400 Speaker 1: just me screaming, sucking at every challenge and just being annoying. 561 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,760 Speaker 1: They could and then showing people's reactions to me. They 562 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: didn't do that. Instead, they chose to show that I'm 563 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 1: not some one dimensional cartoon character because it's like I 564 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,120 Speaker 1: do I think that like in the past they have 565 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,480 Speaker 1: edited people where they don't maybe those people don't have 566 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,479 Speaker 1: like maybe that they are I have no idea, but 567 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 1: I was afraid that I would just be some cartoon. 568 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 1: And thankfully it's like because I did share a lot 569 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,360 Speaker 1: of myself, I did put a lot on the table. 570 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 1: So it's like, if you start the season it's like, Okay, 571 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 1: she's annoying, then it's like, Okay, there's more to this 572 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: person than just the screams and the So I'm glad 573 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 1: that they did. They were able to show like that 574 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:24,479 Speaker 1: I'm not a one dimensional character. 575 00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's I'm glad to hear that they really 576 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:32,080 Speaker 2: do show up in the way that portrays you, because 577 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 2: like sometimes it could be really like manipulative because they 578 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:37,160 Speaker 2: need certain types of characters. 579 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:40,320 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I was warned about this, like if they 580 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 1: want a certain narrative, I think they will be like, 581 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,320 Speaker 1: so tell me about I was, but I never I'm like, no, 582 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 1: that don't fit because I remember specifically this is like 583 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:53,320 Speaker 1: and then I think that they kind of fig they 584 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,280 Speaker 1: kind of realized like, Okay, I can't do that with 585 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 1: this person because I'm like, you're not going to like 586 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,080 Speaker 1: change my narrative. So like they when when I was 587 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 1: describing my addiction, they were like, okay, so you grew 588 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,640 Speaker 1: up in Minnesota. Your dad was a politician, so that 589 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,880 Speaker 1: must have been really, really stressful. He must have been 590 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 1: like really, and I'm like. 591 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,200 Speaker 3: No, no, not at all. 592 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,120 Speaker 1: And they're like did he put certain? They were like 593 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,000 Speaker 1: did he put did he put a lot of pressure 594 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,280 Speaker 1: on you? Or was it did he not accept you 595 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 1: or did I'm like, no, I go, my dad's the 596 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: most accepting person ever. I'm like, I remember and I 597 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 1: told a story about like about coming home and being like, yeah, Dad, 598 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm dating a woman right now. And he 599 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,400 Speaker 1: didn't say shit. He didn't say like, oh, Carolyn, you're 600 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 1: a lesbian or Carolyn. He didn't care. It was like, oh, 601 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 1: I love who you love or who? Like, do you 602 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:45,080 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying? It was ever like big, So 603 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:48,400 Speaker 1: I go, no, that's not my story. That's not my 604 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 1: dad doesn't give a shit like that. 605 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 2: No, But you know what, that's important to paint a 606 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,920 Speaker 2: picture here because I do think and this is the 607 00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:00,040 Speaker 2: scariest part about being a mom is we are so 608 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,480 Speaker 2: quick to throw so much of our own trauma and 609 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 2: shame and bad decisions on our parents. And I love 610 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,360 Speaker 2: that You're like, no, I'm gonna own that my parents 611 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,240 Speaker 2: were great. I just made the bad fucking decision I 612 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 2: chose this. So it's just really unique typical therapy talk. 613 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:20,120 Speaker 2: But I do want to talk about your sexuality now 614 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:21,720 Speaker 2: that you bring it up, because I do think it's 615 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:26,280 Speaker 2: a it's an important thing to talk about. What what 616 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 2: was that aha moment for you? Or you were just 617 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,760 Speaker 2: like a kind of always like fucked with like girls? 618 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 3: No, or was it a. 619 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:36,959 Speaker 2: One moment like oh my god, I see the light, honey, 620 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 2: I think I like it over here? 621 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:46,200 Speaker 1: It was because like right now, I'm like so loving 622 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 1: being single that I don't even entertain it. Like at 623 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: this point, I'm like, am I a sexual? I'm not. 624 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:58,120 Speaker 1: I'm not kidding you. I'm so like, okay, but no, 625 00:31:58,200 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 1: it was it was when I was trying to find 626 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 1: my self and figure out who I was and just 627 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:07,720 Speaker 1: really like just through therapy and and really just reading 628 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,400 Speaker 1: so many self help books and reading so much and 629 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:14,280 Speaker 1: jurnling and I'm like, wow, this makes sense for me. 630 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,280 Speaker 1: And I was like, I think I'm a band sexual. 631 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:22,480 Speaker 1: And so it's just after that some diagnosing like I'm 632 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:24,600 Speaker 1: like this makes sense, and I just went with it. 633 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,080 Speaker 1: And so again when I meet people, it's like I meet, 634 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,880 Speaker 1: I just it's truly, it's the person and that's it, 635 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:30,360 Speaker 1: and that's all. 636 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:32,240 Speaker 3: I don't you just see the person. 637 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:36,280 Speaker 2: You don't see gender, sexuality and see anything person, which 638 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:36,760 Speaker 2: I think that. 639 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 3: I think that's great. I think that's really lovely. 640 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 2: And I know so many friends who like are the 641 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,360 Speaker 2: exact same way. And I've been with everything and anyone 642 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,440 Speaker 2: under the sun. I've kind of dabbled in it all, 643 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,240 Speaker 2: so I get it, like, if you, if you give 644 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,000 Speaker 2: me this sparkly feeling, like I think, to be with 645 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 2: someone for a lifetime is very hard. 646 00:32:56,200 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 3: We're not beast who should be doing that in But I. 647 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:04,000 Speaker 1: Said a thing because I've been trying to research about 648 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:07,440 Speaker 1: this recently. That's really a thing that you're not supposed 649 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,640 Speaker 1: because I'm like, I'm so's it takes. 650 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:13,840 Speaker 2: It takes such long think about how much you've changed, 651 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:18,800 Speaker 2: just like in the last five years, oh right, god yeah, 652 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,480 Speaker 2: and then talk about like having and going through that 653 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:26,200 Speaker 2: season of change constantly with someone someone else navigating their 654 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:30,480 Speaker 2: own personal growth or hardship or trauma or children, like, 655 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 2: there's just so much shit in life. For you to 656 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:39,239 Speaker 2: stay consistently connected takes so much work, period, and you 657 00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,080 Speaker 2: have to be like willing to do the work, and 658 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,800 Speaker 2: some people are ninety five percent committed to the work 659 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,880 Speaker 2: where others are five and then the pendulum swing. So 660 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:51,840 Speaker 2: it's like it's a mind fuck, truthfully. I mean that's 661 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:54,920 Speaker 2: why we have a divorce rate. Over fifty percent of 662 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,480 Speaker 2: people who are married get divorced. Like, well, no shit, why, 663 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:04,000 Speaker 2: Like our world is wildly toxic in my opinion. Oh god, 664 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 2: things are changing twenty four to seven. We're being fed 665 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:10,600 Speaker 2: crazy shit all the time on the news, social media, 666 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:14,040 Speaker 2: of course, we're all over the goddamn place, like nothing's 667 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,160 Speaker 2: easy anymore, no, and. 668 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,360 Speaker 1: There's just so much obviously, it's like with social media, 669 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 1: with you get bored. And so I used to have 670 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,880 Speaker 1: this really immature view on love, like I'm talking to 671 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:27,640 Speaker 1: it a long time ago, when I was like in 672 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,720 Speaker 1: my early twenties where I thought like, if it takes work, 673 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:33,359 Speaker 1: then it's not meant to be. I truly thought that. 674 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,560 Speaker 1: I thought that, like if those butterflies fade, then that's 675 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:39,359 Speaker 1: not the one. I didn't know any better, and I 676 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:41,400 Speaker 1: haven't realized that it is work, and it is, but 677 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,439 Speaker 1: it's like that's exhausting too, So it is it's hard 678 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,319 Speaker 1: it's like you're hard to be able to put in 679 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,840 Speaker 1: that and in the place that I'm in right now, 680 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:53,840 Speaker 1: it's like that's like truly going through like just shit 681 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:56,359 Speaker 1: and putting up with shit or dealing with shit, being 682 00:34:56,520 --> 00:35:01,279 Speaker 1: going through just the experiences that I have. Yeah, has 683 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: truly helped me to just realize like what I do 684 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,320 Speaker 1: not want my life, what I won't put up with anymore. 685 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,680 Speaker 1: And it feels so good. I've never been one of 686 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:13,480 Speaker 1: those people who goes from relationship to relationship to relationship. 687 00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:16,879 Speaker 1: I remember even people being like Carolyn, don't you want 688 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 1: a date? Don't you like it'll be fun? Just do 689 00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:21,960 Speaker 1: it for fun? Hell no? Is that that ain't fun 690 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,080 Speaker 1: for me to go meet and interview all these No? 691 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,399 Speaker 1: Hell no? And again like that's a big investment, that's 692 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,480 Speaker 1: a lot of my time. But I get this, like 693 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:35,040 Speaker 1: radar that goes off now as soon as somebody is 694 00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:38,200 Speaker 1: stressing me out, as soon as it's like me, me, 695 00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 1: me bye. Yeah, I don't put up with it for 696 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,839 Speaker 1: more than two seconds. Now. I flicked them aside, like 697 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:46,800 Speaker 1: I just don't. I protect my peace and I know 698 00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:47,960 Speaker 1: that's it to do with it. 699 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:52,200 Speaker 2: I always say this, protecting your piece and setting boundaries 700 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,680 Speaker 2: is an invaluable lesson everyone needs to learn. 701 00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:58,560 Speaker 3: It is just it is. It is so so. 702 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:02,520 Speaker 2: Important in this day and eight to really understand the 703 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:05,400 Speaker 2: things that feed you and your soul and the things 704 00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:06,279 Speaker 2: that take from you. 705 00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:09,240 Speaker 3: Stay tuned. 706 00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:12,160 Speaker 2: I'll be back in just a moment after this brief 707 00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:21,320 Speaker 2: message from our sponsors. So you left a very and 708 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,680 Speaker 2: I like and I love your openness about it because 709 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:28,439 Speaker 2: there's so many women and abusive relationships who don't have. 710 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:33,200 Speaker 3: The tools to leave, and you did, but you stayed 711 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:33,480 Speaker 3: for a. 712 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:39,080 Speaker 2: While, And what what gave you the strength to say? 713 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:42,720 Speaker 2: I deserve better. I don't have to sit in this. 714 00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:45,919 Speaker 2: This doesn't have to be in my future. I don't 715 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:48,399 Speaker 2: have to carry the shame and trauma, and neither does 716 00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:48,799 Speaker 2: my son. 717 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:53,920 Speaker 1: Truly, I don't want to say like Survivor gave me 718 00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:58,040 Speaker 1: the It helped to just like go and do that 719 00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,520 Speaker 1: on my own and just the I'm of reflection in 720 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,959 Speaker 1: the time of of just like and even honestly, even 721 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,840 Speaker 1: this is the support I got afterwards and even hearing 722 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:12,560 Speaker 1: like once I finished the show, it was like, I 723 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,240 Speaker 1: don't have like, I'm not tied down to this person. 724 00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:17,960 Speaker 1: I have like now the financial means to do this too. 725 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,960 Speaker 1: So it's like when you when I was going through that, 726 00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,120 Speaker 1: it's like I never believed like the stuff. I never 727 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,080 Speaker 1: believed I was a piece of shit or believed like 728 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,480 Speaker 1: the bad stuff that was said about me. It's just 729 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,640 Speaker 1: hard to ever accept. I think that like someone you've 730 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:35,160 Speaker 1: like committed this much time into there's a relationship that 731 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,040 Speaker 1: you've you've been in for so long. It's like I 732 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,000 Speaker 1: didn't want to. I almost listen to denial, like I 733 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 1: don't want to believe that this is happening. I don't 734 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:45,520 Speaker 1: want to, and I did. I lied to myself. I wanted, 735 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,480 Speaker 1: you know, it to work. I wanted to. But it's 736 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:51,120 Speaker 1: like I got to this point where it's like, okay, 737 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,160 Speaker 1: like I need to. I got to do better for 738 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,759 Speaker 1: myself than for my kid. That's it, like I have 739 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,799 Speaker 1: to do something, and I really do. Just credit like 740 00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:04,960 Speaker 1: just my time away and being able to process and 741 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,520 Speaker 1: being able to just finally realize that I can. I 742 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,600 Speaker 1: can do things on my own. I can. I'm stronger 743 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:16,400 Speaker 1: than I ever freaking thought. And it's not just and 744 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:19,000 Speaker 1: I'm not talking like you know, strength is like challenge 745 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,480 Speaker 1: shit on Survivor, but just the mental and just the 746 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:24,839 Speaker 1: and just knowing my own limits of like how much 747 00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,319 Speaker 1: can I Like I don't need to put up with 748 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:29,719 Speaker 1: this anymore. I don't need to go through this anymore. 749 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:32,359 Speaker 1: I I deserve better. And again I always like knew 750 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:35,840 Speaker 1: that deep down, but it's like I'm done, Like I 751 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:36,560 Speaker 1: can't do this. 752 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:38,600 Speaker 3: It's a brave thing to do. 753 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:41,840 Speaker 2: It's a hard thing to do, no matter the circumstances, 754 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:44,680 Speaker 2: especially when children are involved. 755 00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,719 Speaker 3: And I've lived it. I totally get it. 756 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:52,880 Speaker 2: I'm so empathetic to families who have to go through 757 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:56,280 Speaker 2: the storm and then hold up, you know, an umbrella 758 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,600 Speaker 2: and make sure their children don't get wet through their 759 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:02,279 Speaker 2: own shit. So it's like a a really heavy process. 760 00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,799 Speaker 2: And what is it like now to be with you know, 761 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:09,960 Speaker 2: have the clarity and have the freedom and you know, 762 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:13,239 Speaker 2: have all this success. And it sounds to me what 763 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,640 Speaker 2: you're saying is I've been tested, I've learned from it. 764 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:20,120 Speaker 2: I see clarity, and now I want to execute on 765 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:23,080 Speaker 2: the life I've always imagined because I have the means. 766 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:27,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm gonna cry because it's I'm still very much 767 00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:30,720 Speaker 1: like in this shit and it sucks and I try 768 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:36,759 Speaker 1: just like I am proud of myself, and I tell 769 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:41,239 Speaker 1: people because people will say, like, you have some confidence 770 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,880 Speaker 1: and believe in yourself. It's like I freaking do. But 771 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,000 Speaker 1: you know what, I've been told for a long time 772 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:48,840 Speaker 1: that I'm selfish and that the decisions I make are 773 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,439 Speaker 1: bad or even like going. It took me so many 774 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,480 Speaker 1: years to even just like go and do things for 775 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:58,319 Speaker 1: me finally and like it be okay when you have 776 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:02,520 Speaker 1: like when you all you know, I'm selfish and the 777 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:05,239 Speaker 1: decisions I make are bad and I'm oh, you go 778 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:08,040 Speaker 1: on Survivor and that's bad and blah blah blah. It takes. 779 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:11,640 Speaker 1: It takes. I still do struggle with that, like the 780 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:16,319 Speaker 1: guilt and the even if I leave and go away 781 00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:19,359 Speaker 1: for a weekend or go and any time away from 782 00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:22,120 Speaker 1: my son, I feel guilty and feel and it's like, okay, 783 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:26,120 Speaker 1: it's been hard to like transition into like the okay, no, 784 00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:28,160 Speaker 1: this is how I make my money. Now, this is 785 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,520 Speaker 1: my job, so do laugh. This is my job. This 786 00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,880 Speaker 1: is but I am so I still am really hard 787 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 1: on myself when it comes to like just being a mom, 788 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:38,040 Speaker 1: because I want to be there and be I know 789 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,480 Speaker 1: the perfect mom doesn't exist, but I am I've had 790 00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:44,359 Speaker 1: years of like hearing bad stuff too, and so it's 791 00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:48,520 Speaker 1: just hard to just undo that. And so even with 792 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,719 Speaker 1: the success and even with like you know, you can 793 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:56,200 Speaker 1: have everyone say how wonderful you are, but it's it 794 00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:59,040 Speaker 1: takes a while for like those wounds to heal truly. 795 00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,759 Speaker 1: So that's why I have truly just continued to do 796 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:06,799 Speaker 1: work on myself. And I've spent so when people are like, 797 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,279 Speaker 1: go and date and go, and that's not going to 798 00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:11,400 Speaker 1: cure me, that's not going to help me, that's not 799 00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,200 Speaker 1: going to do this. I've told so many people this 800 00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:17,480 Speaker 1: is the work that I need to do. That's not 801 00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:20,440 Speaker 1: any anything that another human is going to cure me 802 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,040 Speaker 1: of or save me from. I need to feel it. 803 00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:26,920 Speaker 1: So I've I've spent so many days sitting in my 804 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:32,520 Speaker 1: room journaling, crying. I feel it all. And it's like, no, 805 00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:36,239 Speaker 1: I'm protecting my own damn self now. And so now 806 00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:38,960 Speaker 1: with like the good things happening, and I even remember 807 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,880 Speaker 1: like getting the call from the Trade for the Traders, 808 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:44,560 Speaker 1: I was like, I was so excited because it's such 809 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:46,960 Speaker 1: a huge show and I'm like, who me? But I 810 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,840 Speaker 1: still do suffer from what do they call that? Like 811 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:51,560 Speaker 1: in Boster syndrome or whatever. Well it's not that I 812 00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:54,680 Speaker 1: don't think I'm great or whatever, but again, I still 813 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:56,640 Speaker 1: battle that one hundred percent. I do. 814 00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:02,000 Speaker 2: I think that's also a very normal expectation as we 815 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:06,440 Speaker 2: go through life learning and unlearning a lot of trauma. 816 00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,080 Speaker 2: And this is I mean, you know this as a 817 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,000 Speaker 2: recovering attic, like it never just goes away. 818 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,200 Speaker 3: No, it's not. 819 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,440 Speaker 2: It takes work every single day. It takes commitment every 820 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:22,040 Speaker 2: single day. I am very much so that I have 821 00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:25,440 Speaker 2: to choose joy every single day. It is something I 822 00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:29,120 Speaker 2: have to actually commit to because it's easier for me 823 00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:32,320 Speaker 2: to sit in silence and suffering than sit in joy. 824 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:34,960 Speaker 3: And it's an act I have to do it. I 825 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,040 Speaker 3: have to show. 826 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:39,840 Speaker 2: Myself what it's like to be joyful because I know 827 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:44,040 Speaker 2: pain well, I can hold it, I can I love it. 828 00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:44,960 Speaker 3: I feel at. 829 00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:48,080 Speaker 2: Ease in the dark, you know, like I am one 830 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:51,560 Speaker 2: of those and I can point to it and say, 831 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,520 Speaker 2: I see you, I know you, I'm familiar with you, 832 00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:58,600 Speaker 2: and I'm going to choose something else. And what I've 833 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,560 Speaker 2: learned so much about being a mom is so much 834 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:05,120 Speaker 2: of what our children learn is through the lens of 835 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:09,440 Speaker 2: our happiness. So I better fucking figure it out, and 836 00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:14,120 Speaker 2: I better I need to start learning what brings me 837 00:43:14,280 --> 00:43:18,560 Speaker 2: joy in my life. I have to figure out what 838 00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:22,640 Speaker 2: makes me joyful and happy because if my kids, if 839 00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:26,040 Speaker 2: so much of my joy and happiness is dependent on 840 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,800 Speaker 2: the way they see themselves, I'm up for the challenge. 841 00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:36,239 Speaker 2: But also I deserve it. I deserve joy, I deserve happiness. 842 00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:40,960 Speaker 2: I deserve all of the beautiful blessings that I didn't 843 00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:44,239 Speaker 2: think I was worthy enough. And I think you need 844 00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:48,560 Speaker 2: that you are worthy enough for the gifts that life 845 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:52,799 Speaker 2: has given you and this journey, because fuck, you've been 846 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:57,359 Speaker 2: through a lot of hardship and pain and you've you've 847 00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:01,400 Speaker 2: really found your way. So what is next? What is 848 00:44:01,719 --> 00:44:05,960 Speaker 2: what is this new found thing? Because everyone who opens 849 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:10,480 Speaker 2: social media sees you, everyone who watches Survivor and Trade, 850 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:14,560 Speaker 2: like everyone knows y'all as a group now on a 851 00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:19,000 Speaker 2: very celebrity level. How has that impacted you in your 852 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:19,680 Speaker 2: small town? 853 00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:19,880 Speaker 1: Like? 854 00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:21,680 Speaker 3: How has that impacted your son? 855 00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:28,719 Speaker 1: I like it's hard, like honestly, like even and it's 856 00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:31,080 Speaker 1: been like this for a while, where like when I 857 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:33,920 Speaker 1: go places with him, like I always feel guilty, like 858 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:37,080 Speaker 1: when it comes to sometimes I And it's not like 859 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:40,560 Speaker 1: I'm like celebrity status, but yes, when we go places 860 00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:42,680 Speaker 1: like I do feel bad. I'm like, I just want 861 00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,120 Speaker 1: to be with my son. I don't want to be 862 00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:47,000 Speaker 1: like talk. I was at Home Goods for like over 863 00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:51,160 Speaker 1: an hour hugging people and like and I'm just like again, 864 00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:54,960 Speaker 1: I'm only one person, and I don't get like the 865 00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:58,560 Speaker 1: regular like, hey, I really loved your move out there. 866 00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:01,320 Speaker 1: I thought you were great. No, I get like, Carolyn, 867 00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:03,160 Speaker 1: you opened up about this, and so I want to 868 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:05,279 Speaker 1: tell you about my traumas and I want to and 869 00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:09,120 Speaker 1: it's like it's heavy, shit shit I hear. And So 870 00:45:09,360 --> 00:45:14,359 Speaker 1: I was just at a bar in La At it 871 00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:16,480 Speaker 1: was like a Survivor watch party. I went in the 872 00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:19,719 Speaker 1: corner and I had my friend like blocking me, and 873 00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:22,600 Speaker 1: I was just like this, like don't let anyone near 874 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,600 Speaker 1: me for like five minutes. Like more recently, I'm like 875 00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:29,040 Speaker 1: no boundaries. I can't no no, and I say no 876 00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:32,000 Speaker 1: to a lot of things, like I say no to 877 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,760 Speaker 1: a lot of events. I say no because it emotionally 878 00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:38,239 Speaker 1: mentally takes a lot out of me too. It's not 879 00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:39,960 Speaker 1: that I don't care or I don't appreciate it. 880 00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:43,160 Speaker 3: You're an EmPATH. You take on the energy of other people. 881 00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:44,279 Speaker 1: It's too much. 882 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:48,680 Speaker 2: You're an EmPATH, and with that you have to protect 883 00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:49,880 Speaker 2: your peace and yourself. 884 00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:51,040 Speaker 1: It's so true. 885 00:45:51,239 --> 00:45:54,000 Speaker 3: That is powerful and you gets to see that. 886 00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:59,040 Speaker 2: Yes, so I wouldn't minimize that quality about you, and 887 00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:02,480 Speaker 2: I think that something special. But you definitely have to 888 00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:05,600 Speaker 2: protect your piece when you're an impath, because I feel 889 00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:07,839 Speaker 2: that in my bones when I walk into a room. 890 00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:10,840 Speaker 2: I have a partner who can light up every single 891 00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:15,320 Speaker 2: person and walk out with so much energy. I literally 892 00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,400 Speaker 2: went to an event last night in the city and 893 00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:19,040 Speaker 2: she was up at the top of the stairs and 894 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:21,640 Speaker 2: I was already out the door and she's laughing. I'm like, 895 00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:25,040 Speaker 2: I want to go home. I've I've I can't give 896 00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:26,360 Speaker 2: any more to this room. 897 00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:30,160 Speaker 3: Yes, I'm zapped, and that's okay. 898 00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:33,720 Speaker 1: I've run when I'm I'm not kidding, And I always 899 00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:36,719 Speaker 1: wear it like I'm tall. I'm tall anyway, but if 900 00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,839 Speaker 1: I go to any of this crap, I always make 901 00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:42,000 Speaker 1: sure to wear heels even taller so I can see 902 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:44,799 Speaker 1: above everybody. So I want to be like six two. 903 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:48,600 Speaker 1: I'm dead serious, so I can like not like control 904 00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:51,640 Speaker 1: the room, but just nowhere everyone like you just whatever, 905 00:46:51,719 --> 00:46:54,720 Speaker 1: be able to find people or whatever. I have run 906 00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:57,800 Speaker 1: out so many times where I just I don't say goodbye, 907 00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:01,520 Speaker 1: I don't have nothing. I hit I like point of like, 908 00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:05,760 Speaker 1: oh okay, I can't handle anymore. And I start running 909 00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:08,279 Speaker 1: and running and I hide in the corner and I'll 910 00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:09,319 Speaker 1: be like, come and get me. 911 00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:12,200 Speaker 2: I'm down the street, shut myself in a room, and 912 00:47:12,239 --> 00:47:15,120 Speaker 2: I need to just be done with the world. Yeah, 913 00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:17,000 Speaker 2: And I just that's the way we recharge, and I 914 00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:19,160 Speaker 2: think there's nothing wrong with it. But I think your 915 00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:23,160 Speaker 2: gift is your vulnerability. I think your gift, your gift 916 00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:27,160 Speaker 2: to every person who can watch you, be with you, 917 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:30,520 Speaker 2: share space with you, is your gift of vulnerability and 918 00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:32,959 Speaker 2: your willingness to share your scars. And I think that's 919 00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:36,360 Speaker 2: taking back your power in your journey and not letting 920 00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:40,840 Speaker 2: shame dictate your journey and your and your story. And 921 00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:44,520 Speaker 2: I am grateful for that. I appreciate your honesty to 922 00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:48,080 Speaker 2: show up and be unapologetic and exactly who you are. 923 00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:52,360 Speaker 3: And I'm I'm rooting for you. I don't know what's next. 924 00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:54,000 Speaker 2: I don't know what you want to do next, but 925 00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,600 Speaker 2: it seems like you're in a good place, and it's 926 00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:58,359 Speaker 2: so nice to meet you. But if you could leave 927 00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:01,640 Speaker 2: anything for our listeners and viewers, what would it be? 928 00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:05,040 Speaker 1: What just came to me is and what I work 929 00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:07,840 Speaker 1: on every single day is just pay attention to the 930 00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:10,880 Speaker 1: words that you speak to yourself. I used to say 931 00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:13,840 Speaker 1: so much nasty shit to myself that it became reality. 932 00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:17,080 Speaker 1: But not only became reality, I believed it, and I 933 00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:22,880 Speaker 1: know when it comes to there's like debate about positive affirmations, 934 00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,959 Speaker 1: and like, it's not about being like filling your brain 935 00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:29,120 Speaker 1: with fluff or a bunch of bullshit. It's if I 936 00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:31,799 Speaker 1: can believe all of the negative things I've said about 937 00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,080 Speaker 1: myself and then make it my reality. Why can't I 938 00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:36,240 Speaker 1: believe the positive? So truly? 939 00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:36,920 Speaker 3: Do? 940 00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,480 Speaker 1: I have like bad thoughts that might creep up, of course, 941 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:42,680 Speaker 1: but it's no longer the norm, and it's no longer 942 00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:46,400 Speaker 1: like if I get a thought like, oh, Carolyn Blige, 943 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:48,680 Speaker 1: you you look bad or blah whatever, you're a piece 944 00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:51,160 Speaker 1: of shit. If I even get that for a second, 945 00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:55,200 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's now uncomfortable. But before when I 946 00:48:55,239 --> 00:48:58,359 Speaker 1: was filling my like okay, Carolyn, you deserve this, you 947 00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:02,520 Speaker 1: it is it's like I fucking do. I do believe that, 948 00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,520 Speaker 1: like I believe it now. But I pay attention to 949 00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:08,239 Speaker 1: what I say to myself every single day because that 950 00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:10,600 Speaker 1: is going to either make like you said, you make 951 00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:14,200 Speaker 1: that decision to like okay, joy, and I have to 952 00:49:14,239 --> 00:49:16,719 Speaker 1: turn that on. I have to like, how am I 953 00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,480 Speaker 1: going to show up? But how am I talking to myself? 954 00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:22,480 Speaker 1: That is absolutely going to dictate my day. So I 955 00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:26,120 Speaker 1: am so aware of what I say to myself every moment. 956 00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:27,080 Speaker 3: I love that. 957 00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:29,680 Speaker 2: I love that, And I think that's a good lesson 958 00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:32,719 Speaker 2: for a lot of our younger generation right now who 959 00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:36,160 Speaker 2: grow up on social media, which means people have access 960 00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:41,360 Speaker 2: to a lot of very very toxic judgments and comments 961 00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:45,640 Speaker 2: that are hurting our younger generation. Our suicide rates, our 962 00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:50,799 Speaker 2: depression rates, like everything is skyrocketing, especially in the queer community. 963 00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:53,600 Speaker 2: So oh, I think that's an important practice we need 964 00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:56,040 Speaker 2: to focus more on, is how we talk to ourselves, 965 00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:59,720 Speaker 2: because we'll show up differently, we'll show up into rooms 966 00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:03,320 Speaker 2: a lot lot different and we need a little more 967 00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:08,560 Speaker 2: positive forward thinking these days than the negative shit we're 968 00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:12,319 Speaker 2: seeing on the news and the toxic masculinity that is 969 00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:15,319 Speaker 2: being spewed all over the fucking place. So I love 970 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:17,640 Speaker 2: what you said, and I think it's important, and I 971 00:50:17,719 --> 00:50:20,240 Speaker 2: know it's impactful, and I know you're changing the lives 972 00:50:20,239 --> 00:50:22,080 Speaker 2: of a lot of people just by showing up and 973 00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:25,840 Speaker 2: telling your story. So thank you for being on Wide Open. 974 00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:29,359 Speaker 2: You are a sweetheart. Keep being exactly who you are. 975 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:32,920 Speaker 3: You are a light, you are a joy, and I 976 00:50:32,960 --> 00:50:36,560 Speaker 3: see nothing but great things for you. Carolyn. Thank you, 977 00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:40,680 Speaker 3: Thank you truly, You're so sweet. 978 00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:44,919 Speaker 2: Don't be sorry for being emotional. I'm grateful for your vulnerability. 979 00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:47,840 Speaker 1: I'll be crying for a little bit after. 980 00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:50,520 Speaker 2: This, and hope and I hope that we get some 981 00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:53,359 Speaker 2: you know, some hang time coming up. I don't know 982 00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:56,040 Speaker 2: if we are paths will cross, but I. 983 00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:59,080 Speaker 1: Hope they do. Thank you. Thanks all right, me? 984 00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:01,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, of course, thanks for coming on. 985 00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:09,560 Speaker 2: Wide Open with Ashland Harris is an iHeart women's sports production. 986 00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:13,680 Speaker 2: You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 987 00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:17,960 Speaker 2: or wherever you get your podcasts. Our producers are Carmen 988 00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:23,840 Speaker 2: Borca Correo, Emily Maronoff, and Lucy Jones. Production assistants from 989 00:51:24,239 --> 00:51:29,720 Speaker 2: Malia Aguidello. Our executive producers are Jesse Katz, Jenny Kaplan, 990 00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:34,160 Speaker 2: and Emily Rudder. Our editors are Jenny Kaplan and Emily Rudder, 991 00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:42,920 Speaker 2: and I'm your host Ashlyn Harris.