WEBVTT - Why We Keep Looking Outside Ourselves for Validation (and How to Finally Stop) - Part 2 (Outweigh) 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.480 I won't let my body out be outwait everything that 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:08.039 I'm made, don't won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:12.879 I'm learning love who I am again. I'm strong, I 0:00:13.000 --> 0:00:19.600 feel free, I know everybody of me. It's beautiful and 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:24.520 I will always out way if you feel it, but 0:00:24.640 --> 0:00:28.960 yours here, she'll some love too. I give there, say 0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:35.879 good day and did you and die out way Happy Saturday, 0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:38.840 out wigh. It's leanne here. And today we're diving even 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:42.200 deeper into this conversation that we started last week about 0:00:42.280 --> 0:00:46.239 recleaving your worthiness even if you don't feel like you 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:49.920 fully embrace self love or acceptance or worthiness just yet. 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:52.280 And so if you haven't listened to that episode, I 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:55.280 definitely recommend going back and giving it a listen first, 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:58.600 because it lays the foundation for what we're exploring here. 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:02.720 And in that first episode, we unpacked why your worthiness 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:05.440 isn't something that you have to earn or approve or 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:08.119 work for, and how so many of us were wired 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:11.440 to believe the exact opposite. But we also talked about, Okay, 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:14.039 let's meet your skeptical brain where it is, where it's like, Okay, 0:01:14.080 --> 0:01:15.680 if I've been looking in the mirror and telling myself 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:17.680 I'm worthy and trying to pretend like I don't care 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:19.760 about my weight. Why do I still feel like this? 0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:22.680 It's not clicking. So we address that as well, And 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:25.200 so today we're taking it a step further and talking 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:28.200 about the trap of looking for your worthiness in all 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:32.000 the wrong places, especially your body, your achievements and your 0:01:32.040 --> 0:01:35.080 approval from others, or your assumption or desire to be 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.800 approved by others, and how to stop chasing that external 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:42.399 validation so that you can finally feel safe and at 0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:45.720 home within yourself. And so, if you've ever felt like 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:48.720 you needed to earn your worth, or if you've ever 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:52.480 measured your value by what you accomplish or how you 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:54.560 look or how much you weigh or how well you 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:57.200 perform or fill in the blank, and if you've ever 0:01:57.240 --> 0:01:59.320 tried to prove yourself to the world by being the 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:01.160 you know, the air quo it's a good girl, or 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:05.200 the achiever or the fixer or the helper. And that's 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:07.640 the big one. A lot of women that I work with, 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:11.000 it's a self sacrificial, self abandonment side of things, because 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:13.480 they're trying to help everyone else, right, and that becomes 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:16.000 a worthiness badge. Of honor. So first of all, I 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:17.880 just want you to know you're so not alone. We 0:02:17.919 --> 0:02:20.880 all have our own stuff, right, we all have our 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:24.560 own worthiness gap, right. And so not only is this 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:27.440 something that I've walked through personally, it's something that every 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:30.200 woman I work with is also walking through. And that's 0:02:30.280 --> 0:02:33.200 no coincidence because again, from a young age, most of 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:36.480 us were taught, whether directly or indirectly, that our worth 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:38.800 was conditional and that we had to work for it 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:41.360 and earn it and strive for it. And so maybe 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:43.880 you were praised when you were air quotes thinner right, 0:02:44.080 --> 0:02:46.520 or when you got straight a's, or when you were 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:50.200 quiet or polite or helpful or agreeable or just didn't 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:53.320 make a fuss. Or maybe you were told that you 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:57.079 were too much when you were emotional or had boundaries, 0:02:57.400 --> 0:02:59.840 or that your personality was too much, or that you 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:02.560 were too you know, much, taking up too much space 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:05.480 or too much room, right, Or maybe you were never 0:03:05.520 --> 0:03:10.040 told anything explicitly, but your nervous system learned to associate 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:14.800 love and acceptance with performance or perfection or approval, and 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:18.639 so you grew up becoming really good at contorting yourself 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:21.400 into who you thought you needed to be and you, 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:24.040 just like me, you probably wore the mask and you 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:27.520 played the role, and you shrunk or over extended or 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:32.680 hustled to earn your place, and slowly but surely, you started, 0:03:32.720 --> 0:03:36.320 whether you knew it or not, outsourcing your worth to 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:40.000 things that were never meant to define you, to the scale, 0:03:40.200 --> 0:03:44.480 to your appearance, to other people's opinions, things that we 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:47.800 think are benign, but like things like productivity and being 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:51.160 liked and being needed and being good. Trust me, there's 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:53.600 no shame, there's no judgment. I've used all of those 0:03:53.640 --> 0:03:56.960 measuring sticks, right. And here's the thing. You may have 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:00.640 gotten the applause, and you may have gotten the approval, 0:04:00.880 --> 0:04:04.200 and you may have gotten the affirmation, but deep down 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:08.760 it never actually made you feel safe or whole or worthy. 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:12.080 Because the truth is, if you have to chase it 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:16.560 to feel worthy, it's not real worthiness. Right. If your 0:04:16.640 --> 0:04:20.160 worth can be gained, it can be taken, and if 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:24.880 it's conditional, it's unstable, and if it depends on something 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:28.719 outside of you, it's always at risk. Right. And that's 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:32.440 the painful reality that so many women are waking up to. 0:04:33.120 --> 0:04:35.960 They've done all the things they've hustled for worth in 0:04:36.000 --> 0:04:39.200 their bodies, in their jobs, in their marriages, in their parenting, 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:42.640 in their social circles, and no matter what they do 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:45.600 or how much they accomplish, it still doesn't feel like 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:50.000 enough because it was never about any of those things 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:53.159 in the first place. And so many of the women 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:55.560 I work with come to me in the middle of 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:57.919 this loop and they're like, if I could just lose 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:00.760 the weight, then I'd feel worthy, Or if I could 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:03.480 just stop binging, then I'd finally love myself and not 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:06.000 walk around with so much shame. Or if I could 0:05:06.120 --> 0:05:08.960 just get more control or more discipline or more willpower, 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:12.360 then I'd be happy. But here's what I always tell them, 0:05:12.360 --> 0:05:16.080 and it's lovingly, but it's direct. The real issue isn't 0:05:16.200 --> 0:05:20.039 your body or your eating or your habits. It's what 0:05:20.120 --> 0:05:23.920 you believe those things say about you. Okay, Now here's 0:05:23.920 --> 0:05:26.280 what I really want you to get. Your brain has 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:28.760 made up a story that if you were thinner, or 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:33.160 more disciplined or more accomplished, you'd finally feel okay, and 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:37.039 that your value lives in your outcomes, or that how 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:40.440 you look or how well you perform is a reflection 0:05:40.640 --> 0:05:44.960 of your identity. But that's the wiring of survival mode, right, 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:48.039 of what your brain is just programmed to do. It's 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:52.240 not the truth, And that is your nervous system running 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.120 an old code and an old message and an old program. 0:05:55.400 --> 0:05:58.799 And it's programming and conditioning that says I'm not enough 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:02.120 unless right and fill in the blank. We've all done 0:06:02.120 --> 0:06:04.640 it right, and I still catch myself doing it today, 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:06.880 only now I have the tools to dismantle it. But 0:06:06.920 --> 0:06:09.000 it's again, it's not something to be ashamed of. It's 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:11.640 part of the conditioning that we grow up in. Right, 0:06:11.960 --> 0:06:15.960 So I'm not enough and less right. And what happens 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:18.880 when you're wired that way, right, is that even when 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:23.720 you do achieve something, the relief is temporary. The anxiety 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:26.960 comes back, and the voice in your head finds something 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:31.400 else to criticize, because your worth is still on the line. Right, 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:34.279 And this is the part that gets really tender. So 0:06:34.360 --> 0:06:37.880 I want you to hear me. You know with your heart, Okay, 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:41.039 you were never meant to prove your worth. You were 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:43.880 meant to just know it. Okay, let me say that again. 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:46.840 You were never meant to prove your worth. You were 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:49.560 meant to just stand in the knowingness of it. That's 0:06:49.600 --> 0:06:52.359 what I truly believe. And you were never meant to 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:56.400 earn your place. You were meant to just belong and 0:06:56.560 --> 0:07:00.880 be just as you are. But your brain has been 0:07:00.960 --> 0:07:04.080 operating like it's in a courtroom, right, like it is 0:07:04.120 --> 0:07:09.000 in court on defense, every choice, every emotion, every flaw. 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:12.240 It feels like it's being put on trial, right, And 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:15.560 you're the prosecutor and the defendant and the judge and 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:19.280 the jury all rolled into one. And all of that 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:23.320 is rooted in one thing. And that one thing is 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:27.560 a belief that your worth is up for debate, that 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:31.480 your worth is on trial. But what if it's not right? 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:33.640 What if your worth was never meant to be on 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:36.480 trial in the first place? Right? What if there was 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:39.640 nothing to prove? And the real gain, for lack of 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:42.880 a way of saying it, was just to remember and 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.760 to know, because here's the truth that your brain might 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:48.960 not believe just yet, is that again, your worth is 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:52.360 not up for negotiation. It's not based on what you 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:55.280 do or what you weigh or how others see you. 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:59.200 And it's not earned and it can't be revoked. It 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:01.960 just is is right. And this was the hardest thing 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:03.720 for me to get I'm like, wait a minute, you're 0:08:03.760 --> 0:08:06.840 saying that, Like I have a hundred extra pounds on 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:09.480 my body and I'm worthy of love and belonging, and 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:11.480 like I don't have to prove my worth by losing 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.320 weight or when I was in the throes of career change, 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:16.560 I'm like, I feel like a loser. I feel like 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:18.600 a failure. I feel like fill in the blank because 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:21.080 I don't feel successful yet and I don't have to. 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:23.760 I'm still enough, Like I'm still acceptable and lovable right 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:27.360 now in my low. And that's the thing about self 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:30.560 love and self acceptance, like the true kind, right It's 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:33.600 not about convincing yourself that you're amazing one hundred percent 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:36.280 of the time. It's not about lying to yourself. It's 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:40.120 about anchoring into your worth even when you don't feel 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:42.319 like you deserve it and when you don't feel amazing, 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:45.880 And it's about returning home to yourself, or having the 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:49.760 ability to return home to yourself, especially when your inner 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.240 credit critic is the loudest, and having the ability to 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:56.160 talk back or supersede it or override it. But not 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:59.120 in this like fake positivity kind of way, in a 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:02.560 again anchoring into your worth kind of way, and it 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:06.720 really is about choosing to be on your own side 0:09:07.160 --> 0:09:09.640 in a world that, let's be honest, it profits off 0:09:09.679 --> 0:09:13.120 you believing that you're broken. And when you stop chasing 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:17.680 your worth through your body, your behavior, or your achievements, 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:21.839 something wild happens. Okay, and I wouldn't have known it 0:09:21.880 --> 0:09:25.080 happened until it happened, right, But here's what happens. Your 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:30.880 brain gets quiet, your nervous system softens, and for the 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:34.240 first time in a long time, you can just be 0:09:34.960 --> 0:09:37.800 and you can eat without shame, and you can move 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:41.480 your body without trying to punishment or earn calories, and 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:44.920 you can speak your mind without overthinking it, and you 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.360 can rest without guilt, and you can look in the 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:52.680 mirror without spiraling because you're no longer trying to earn 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:57.079 your place. You've already just claimed it. And ironically, it's 0:09:57.160 --> 0:10:02.040 from that place that real change becomes possible, when your 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:05.319 worth isn't on the line, and you're no longer trapped 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:08.600 in all or nothing patterns, and you're not swinging from 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:12.960 restriction to rebellion, restriction to rebellion and trying to soothe 0:10:13.000 --> 0:10:17.560 your stress with food or overcompensate with control, and you're 0:10:17.559 --> 0:10:22.280 not trying to fix yourself. You're trying to know yourself. 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:26.360 You're trying to get to know yourself, and that changes 0:10:26.559 --> 0:10:30.800 everything everything, Okay, And I know that's not what people 0:10:30.800 --> 0:10:33.280 are trying to tell you on Instagram, right, it's about 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:35.280 like lose twenty pounds and twenty minutes, or here's the 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:39.120 best smoothie for autoimmune or whatever it is, right, But 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:41.840 it's like, what's causing the autoimmune, what's causing the nervous 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:43.600 nervous system, what's causing you to be able to know 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:45.240 what you can do, know what to do, but can't 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:48.240 get yourself to do it right? And so it's not 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:52.280 about trying to fix yourself with tactics. It's about knowing 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:54.960 yourself so that you can stand in it. Right. It's 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:58.240 an authority in who you are rather than outsourcing it, 0:10:58.480 --> 0:11:02.240 and that changes everything. And so if this message resonated 0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:04.120 with you, I want to just leave you with a 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:07.960 gentle practice to try. Okay. And so every time you 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:11.640 catch yourself thinking I need to do X to be enough, 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:15.280 or I should be more X, or I don't deserve 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:18.680 X until I why right, say this to yourself. Remind 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:23.520 yourself my worth is not on trial. That is the lie. 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:26.920 I don't have to earn my value today. My worth 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:28.920 is not on trial. This is not up for debate. 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:31.760 That's the fact that my worth is something I need 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.440 to earn or hustle or work for today. That is 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.120 the lie. And I don't have to earn it. I 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:38.199 just have to see it and know it, and then 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:40.760 I can go about my goals. This is not saying 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:42.800 don't have goals. This is not saying don't try to 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.520 better yourself. It's like, what if you grounded and rooted 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:48.160 yourself in worthiness while you tried to go reach that goal. 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:50.679 And I have to say, because I wouldn't be who 0:11:50.720 --> 0:11:52.800 I am if I didn't say it. Go use a 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:55.079 strategy that's going to actually set you up for true 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:58.959 health three dimensionally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, all of that, okay, 0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:02.320 But again, my worth isn't on trial. That is the lie. 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:05.360 And even if you don't fully believe it yet, say 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:09.080 it until your nervous system starts to settle right. Say 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:11.960 it as many times as you need to interrupt the 0:12:12.040 --> 0:12:16.040 old pattern. And you know this is how the rewiring begins, 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:19.920 not through perfection, but through practice and through repetition and 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:23.920 through reminders, and you're not building self worth from scratch, 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:27.520 you are returning to it, and you're reclaiming what was 0:12:27.559 --> 0:12:31.200 always yours. You just didn't know that you accidentally abandoned it, right, 0:12:31.679 --> 0:12:35.200 And I promise you it is not only possible, it 0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:38.319 is a certainty if you get in the reps. Okay, now, 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:40.960 it's obviously there's more beyond the scope of this conversation, 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:44.319 but this is where it starts. Is that acknowledging of like, nope, 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:46.480 that whole thing that my worth is on trial, that 0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:49.599 is the lie. So that is it for today. Outweigh 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:51.560 And if you want to learn more about how I 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:54.079 teach my clients to turn off the part of their 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:57.520 brain that's obsessed with their weight and food and go 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.920 rewire their own brain and self image for pease and freedom, 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:03.960 then head on over to stresslesseding dot com, where I've 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.360 literally peeled back the curtain and walked you through the 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:10.520 exact strategy. I teach my own clients to heal themselves 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:13.440 from the all or nothing diet mentality and heal it 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:17.680 for good without restricting themselves or punishing their bodies. So 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:20.559 it's over there for you to access over on stresslesseding 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:26.120 dot com and I will talk next week for Part three. Bye.