WEBVTT - Dear Banya: TBC 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:05.159 Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:12.120 Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in. 0:00:15.480 --> 0:00:17.239 In the top top time. 0:00:18.160 --> 0:00:19.360 We have a Dear Bonnie. 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:26.280 Episode today that's right for y'all's hard hitting questions, concerns, emails, messages. 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:27.280 We're here. 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:29.560 Can I tease one that we'll end with? Remember a 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:32.000 couple of weeks ago we talked about there was a 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:35.560 listener from I want to say another country named Lilah. 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:37.800 Oh that that she had kept trying to make plans 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:40.280 was like her sister in laws and well. 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:42.879 The key was that she had said we were We 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:48.200 wondered aloud how she found us? Wasn't she in Denmark? Amsterdam? 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:49.120 I thought it was. 0:00:49.360 --> 0:00:51.720 We talked, Yeah, we're trying to remember, we're trying to like, 0:00:51.800 --> 0:00:53.720 we're brainstorming how she may have found us. Well, we 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:55.080 have the answer to how she found us. 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:57.600 Ah, yeah, wow, that will be towards the end of 0:00:57.600 --> 0:00:59.600 the episode for letting us know. 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:04.200 Shall we just jump right into it? Shall it? 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:05.080 Shall we? 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:05.360 Shall? 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:08.440 We shall? Let's do it? Here we go from Taylor. 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:10.120 Oh, you're discerning from the top, Should I not? 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:11.440 Nope, That's what I like to do. 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:14.160 Okay, take it from the top, Taylor says, Hi Becatanya 0:01:14.200 --> 0:01:16.840 Mark and Eastern longtime listener here an overall big fan. 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:20.200 I was recently burned by a friend and I'm having 0:01:20.240 --> 0:01:25.399 a hard time moving on. My wife wlw relationship and 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:27.480 I let a friend move into our basement while she 0:01:27.600 --> 0:01:30.520 was going through a divorce. As Thanksgiving approached, we had 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:32.720 to do some problem solving because we booked a dog 0:01:32.800 --> 0:01:35.720 sitter as we were going to be traveling. The dog 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:37.319 sitter was going to live at the house when we 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:39.640 were gone. Well, that wasn't really fair to either one 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:42.200 of them because they'd be forced to live alongside each 0:01:42.240 --> 0:01:45.399 other as strangers, which is weird. And explaining that to 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:47.960 our friend, she said, hey, I'll watch the dogs. I'm 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:50.040 going to be here. Don't pay for a dog sitter. 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:54.320 I got you great, cancel the dog sitter. They were 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:57.440 charged a cancelation fee for canceling dog sitter, but okay, 0:01:57.480 --> 0:01:59.520 still save us some money. We got a good plan here. 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.440 Fast forward a few weeks, five days before we were 0:02:02.480 --> 0:02:05.160 supposed to leave, said friend texted saying, you know what, 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:07.480 my plans have changed. I'm going to be traveling too. 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:10.440 I can no longer watch those dogs. Well, luckily we 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:12.280 were able to find out the dog sitters to cover this, 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:14.240 but now we're paying the cancelation fee to the first 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:16.720 one and now to other people to watch the dogs. 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:18.400 And we thought it was right for her to maybe 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:21.840 pay for those fees or help us pay for those fees. Instead, 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:24.799 she abruptly moved out and has cut off all communication. 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:27.400 I'm curious to know if you think it's fair that 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:29.720 we asked her to cover the fees, and regardless, how 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:31.800 do you suggest I let this go and move on. 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:36.640 I think if y'all did hear that big of a favor, 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:40.200 letting someone move into your home and crash is such 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:43.239 a yes, a kind thoughtful thing to do for someone 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:44.680 like that's a big undertaking. 0:02:44.960 --> 0:02:45.320 Yeah. 0:02:45.360 --> 0:02:49.079 And so for her to not even have, first of all, 0:02:49.160 --> 0:02:53.280 the respect of not offering to help y'all find a 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:55.680 dog sitter or pay for one, or saying like, let 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:58.760 me pay the cancelation fee. I'm sorry that that happened 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:01.520 and that I changed last minute just kind of is 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:03.360 exposing the type of person she is. 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:04.639 And maybe she's going through a lot. 0:03:04.680 --> 0:03:06.320 I'm not saying maybe she's not her best self right 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:08.200 now if she's going through a divorce and just trying 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:09.480 to figure. 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:09.919 Out her life. 0:03:10.400 --> 0:03:13.920 But I think maybe it's for the best, and maybe 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:16.639 she did you a favor cutting off communication. 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:22.560 I feel like the best piece of advice I've ever 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:26.040 received is take people as they are. I'll say it 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:29.760 again for the people in the back. Take people as 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:32.120 they are. Like Becca said, she may not be in 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:34.920 her best state right now going through divorce. She might be, 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:38.640 you know, frazzled and not dealing with stuff that with 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:42.520 it she normally would. But to me, like if she 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:45.440 didn't offer to help pay for the fees and isn't 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:48.920 like offering that to me, asking that is so awkward 0:03:49.080 --> 0:03:51.160 and such a waste of your energy because you're gonna 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:54.040 work yourself up trying to like figure out how to ask, 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:56.480 and then if she says no, then you're gonna work 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:58.760 yourself up over that. You're gonna be working yourself up 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.840 so much over this. It's kind of just like, know 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:03.480 this about her now and. 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:05.480 Just learn moving forward. 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:09.080 She already asked her to pay she just hasn't. 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:12.080 She just already asked her to pay the fees, and 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:13.640 she just stopped corresponding. 0:04:13.960 --> 0:04:14.839 She's ghosted them. 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:19.760 So does she owe you? Yeah, probably stayed with you, 0:04:19.839 --> 0:04:23.240 used your home dog fees, whatever. But here's the quote 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:26.320 that I like to live by, good advice I received. 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:29.600 We've discussed this before. Life becomes easier when you learn 0:04:29.640 --> 0:04:33.640 to accept the apology that you never got. So is 0:04:33.640 --> 0:04:37.000 she sorry? Let's assume she is. In fact, she probably is. 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:40.359 Maybe she's embarrassed, maybe she's not. Maybe even if she's not, 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:44.120 you know what, accept her apology whether it happens or not, 0:04:44.160 --> 0:04:45.400 and you move on. That's it. 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:48.160 Yeah. 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:52.520 I think that maybe she felt embarrassed and isn't in 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.000 a financial place to help pay fees. 0:04:55.040 --> 0:04:57.200 But in a perfect. 0:04:56.839 --> 0:04:59.039 World, she could have said, you know what, I'm sorry, 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:01.599 I'm not able to pay those fees, like financially, is 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:03.720 there any way else I can help you or do 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.560 something to help you out? Because I feel really bad 0:05:06.600 --> 0:05:07.800 and I want to be a good friend to you. 0:05:08.279 --> 0:05:10.200 She might not have the capacity to do that or 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:12.800 the tools to do that. And I also agree with Mark, like, 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:14.520 there are just people in your life that you have 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:17.560 to let go the expectation of getting an apology because 0:05:17.960 --> 0:05:21.240 you could waste your life and energy waiting to get 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:24.480 something that will never happen. Yeah, and if you can't 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:29.159 move on from it, you're just you're spending unnecessary energy 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:32.280 on someone who's probably not ever going to think about 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:32.640 it again. 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:35.479 Yeah, my god, I need to listen to this advice. Honestly, 0:05:35.520 --> 0:05:36.799 I work myself up over. 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:43.960 Quite a lot about being treated poorly or treating others 0:05:43.960 --> 0:05:44.880 poorly in the past. 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:47.560 Yeah, about being treated poorly, but it's like it's never 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:50.320 going to change. That person is the way that they are, 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:52.840 and I just have to live with it, take them 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:53.240 as they are. 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:55.640 Know. I one time had someone say something horrible to me, 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:58.239 and like, after a few years, I finally called. 0:05:58.120 --> 0:05:59.360 And was just explaining. 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:01.880 I explained my hurt to them, and I was still 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:04.800 expecting an apology and dating of me an apology. And 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:06.880 I had a moment where I was like, oh my gosh, 0:06:06.920 --> 0:06:09.160 I have spent way more time thinking about this than 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:09.880 they ever did. 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:11.120 Yeah, and I have. 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:12.600 To let it go because I don't know that I'm 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:15.760 ever gonna get what I thought I needed from them. 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:20.920 Damn. Take that advice put in my pocket. 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:24.400 This one is from her name for herself. She called 0:06:24.400 --> 0:06:28.279 herself almost thirty, flirty and trying not to dry heath 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:32.480 here we go, Dear Banya and Mark and Easton. Last year, 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:34.720 I celebrated my twenty ninth birthday by inviting a few 0:06:34.720 --> 0:06:38.719 friends to my favorite diner for dinner sweatshirts and sweatpants. Encouraged, 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:42.280 A dear friend brought her new boyfriend. He is hilarious 0:06:42.320 --> 0:06:46.080 and he clearly loves her very much. One problem. He 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:50.279 has horrible table manners. He burps loudly and often. Sometimes 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:52.120 he says to excuse me, but not always, and he 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:56.159 often makes a big show of blowing it away. It's 0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:59.880 so awkward, jarring, and honestly makes me gag. His burp 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:05.720 stopped conversations multiple times because it was so startling. I'm 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.480 planning the same get together to celebrate turning thirty in 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:10.040 a few weeks, and I don't know how to address 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:12.680 this with my friend right now. The invitation doesn't have 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:14.880 the option for a plus one. But what if she 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:17.520 asks to bring him? Do I invite him and ask 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:20.000 him to be more mindful or do I just suck 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:21.440 it up for her? Please help? 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:25.320 Oh my god goes the same to this. 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:29.680 Take people as they are. You cannot ask this man 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:33.680 to like not burp it. There's no Maral in which 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:36.440 that goes over well, I think you I think you 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:37.360 could ask your friend. 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:39.000 I could. I think you could have a conversation with 0:07:39.040 --> 0:07:40.200 your friend and be like, wait. 0:07:40.600 --> 0:07:43.160 This reminded my birthday's coming up and reminded me of 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:47.440 last year when Tom kept burping loudly at the table, 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:50.880 like he's still doing that? Does that bother you? 0:07:51.120 --> 0:07:53.040 And if she says no, it's so funny and cute, 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:53.640 then what. 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:56.120 Then be like, people, can you ask him not to 0:07:56.120 --> 0:07:57.960 do It's gonna gross. 0:07:57.560 --> 0:07:58.960 And then she's gonna be like, oh, do you not 0:07:59.000 --> 0:08:02.000 want him to come to your You don't want him around? 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:03.120 And I don't need to bring him around? 0:08:03.200 --> 0:08:06.120 Then be like, I love him. He's so funny and 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:08.200 everyone loved him. It was just the burping was a 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:11.120 little jarring. Stop the conversation multiple times. 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:13.040 I agree, I think talk to the friend. 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:16.880 This isn't this isn't like a personality trait. This is like, 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:19.760 he could very well not belch at the table. 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:22.320 I just don't see a world in which this goes 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:22.880 over well. 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.200 But look, there's no plus one, so she has to 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:27.880 call and say, hey, do you mind if Tom comes? 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:32.000 Then you say love Tom. Tom's so funny, he clearly 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:37.720 or however, however, the burping last year was a little 0:08:37.800 --> 0:08:40.439 much for me. Could we maybe give him an antacid 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:41.839 or something to, you know, make it? 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:43.280 Did jamake it? 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:44.720 You say this now? 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:44.920 No? 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:47.839 I think this is when we were going to your 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:53.120 birthday dinner and Robbie was burping like a sailor on Okay. 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:54.280 Let's say I didn't have a plus one and you 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:56.240 called and said, Beca, can I burt? 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:57.800 What am I saying? Becca? 0:08:57.840 --> 0:08:58.680 Can I bring Robbie? 0:08:58.760 --> 0:08:59.000 Yeah? 0:08:59.320 --> 0:09:04.040 I would say hey. I'd be like, yes, I love Robbie. 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:05.920 Can you ask him not to belt at the table 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:06.920 this year? Yes? 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:09.560 I would make it funny. And then you'd probably be like, 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:10.600 what he burped? 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:14.680 And he literally was blowing the burps away. I would 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.120 say it smells like roses, what's your problem? 0:09:17.520 --> 0:09:21.280 You would not would Yeah, You'd probably be like, yeah, 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:23.760 he does that because. 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:25.160 It would bother you too on some level. 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:26.760 I don't know about that. 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:34.400 Yeah, she probably yes, it would. She'd be like no, 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:34.880 but I do. 0:09:35.760 --> 0:09:37.400 I think it could be funny if you were if 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:39.200 if she said like, what he did that, and you 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:41.120 can be yeah, just let him know if he does 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:43.480 it again this year, we're putting him at another table. 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:48.440 Make it funny. Funny, yeah, lighthearted. I would say something 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:49.599 that is disgusting. 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:53.640 You have a pepsid A c oh my god, slide 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.720 it across the table. Funny, it's funny, it's not. It's 0:09:56.720 --> 0:09:59.480 not a nervous tick. This is an actual He's doing 0:09:59.480 --> 0:09:59.960 this on purpose. 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:02.199 All right? What are you guys? Thinks? 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:04.120 I say? 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:04.400 Just no. 0:10:04.440 --> 0:10:08.400 Plus ones's another option from anonymous. Hi, beck Antani, I 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:10.640 could you some help. I'm visiting my boyfriend's hometown and 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:12.280 in a few weeks for a wedding. He will be 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:14.400 the best man for the groom. Seems fine, right? 0:10:14.960 --> 0:10:15.120 Well? 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:17.560 I was browsing the wedding website to look for the registry, 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:19.840 and while doing so, I saw the bridal party information 0:10:19.920 --> 0:10:21.600 and come to find out, I see a name that 0:10:21.679 --> 0:10:24.960 sounded familiar. Yep, his ex girlfriend is going to be 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:28.240 part of the bridal party. I gasped, because this was 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:30.320 news to me and he hadn't brought this up. I'm 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:32.480 trying not to spiral here is maybe this is something 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:35.280 he just forgot to share or felt like it wasn't necessary. 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:37.720 Should I ask him about the ex? Should I ignore 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:40.120 it and move on for the wedding. I'm going to 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:41.880 be alone for a bit while the wedding party does 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:44.319 their thing. How do you go about seeing your significant 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:47.000 others X at a wedding. I'm trying not to make 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:49.040 this awkward, but I'm feeling a bit nervous now as 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:49.880 we are closer to it. 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.480 I've never had a deal with this. Have you had 0:10:54.480 --> 0:10:54.840 to do with this? 0:10:56.000 --> 0:11:03.640 H I mean it's not quite the same. 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:04.440 I see what you're saying. 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:06.680 Yeah, I mean it's not quite the same, right, because 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.280 it's it's actually not the same. 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:13.360 So no, I have not dealt with it that his 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:14.720 ex is in your life. 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:17.520 Yeah, likes right, because there's children involved, so like I 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:19.240 see her around and stuff like that. But it's it's 0:11:19.240 --> 0:11:23.559 different in the sense that, like my question to you. 0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:25.679 Goes though, I feel like the bridal. 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:28.040 Party doesn't do much together aside from like take photos. 0:11:28.080 --> 0:11:29.920 So like, yeah, they're going to be like taking photos 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:33.560 and stuff, but it's not like they're like hanging out 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:35.600 and drinking, you know what I mean. Like the girls 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:37.079 are going to be getting ready with the girls, the 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:39.080 guys are gonna be getting ready with the groom, you know. 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:40.880 Like I feel like there's not gonna be much overlap, 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:43.720 So I feel like you shouldn't spiral too much because 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:45.960 they're literally just gonna be taking photos together. 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:49.600 Listen, she'son X for a reason. You're with him. 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:52.720 Now, you're going to the wedding as his date. And 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:56.400 I think that that there is nothing cooler than you 0:11:56.559 --> 0:12:00.280 knowing and not saying or in my opinion. 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:01.880 Yes, and he is not keeping this from you. 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:04.280 I agree. I think that he probably. 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:09.280 Couldn't care less and doesn't it even think about yeah, yeah. 0:12:08.720 --> 0:12:11.200 And if if there's a moment at the wedding where 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:13.800 you're like you see him talk like you're kind of 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:16.200 like what's going on, then it's a conversation of like, hey, 0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:18.160 you know, I didn't know. 0:12:18.800 --> 0:12:20.559 I don't even know. I don't think you say anything. 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:24.000 No, you're better than this anonymous you won. 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:29.280 I don't know that. I think you won. 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:29.360 One. 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:34.000 Yes, rise above to get involved in that stuff. 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:36.880 Unless she wants to like make a joke, she could 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:40.240 make a joke like, oh, I didn't know, Betty Lows. 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:44.720 The joke always kind of like jokes for belching. The 0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:45.960 jokes are for belching. 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:49.560 Yeah, No, I think I think you just put on 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:53.400 your best dress. Walking confident in her. 0:12:55.120 --> 0:13:01.040 Yeah, oh you had a next name Martha Lou. 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:03.800 No you can't, you can't. You can't go down that path. 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:04.400 I'm just kidding. 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:04.720 No, no, no. 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:08.719 Just introduce yourself like nothing's just like more screams confidence, 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:10.040 like a strong introduction. 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:11.640 Yes, yeah, Martha Lou. 0:13:13.880 --> 0:13:15.200 I did that with Martha Lou. 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:18.200 Yeah. All right, I'm gonna tease this next one. Okay, 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:21.959 oh yes, Radio one oh one, all right. Coming up next, 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:23.960 we have a long time listener with an issue with 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:27.360 her boyfriend and it's a location issue. It is a 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:30.200 long distance potentially issue, and that's we're going to get 0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:32.560 into next. Perhaps you can relate to someone in a 0:13:32.559 --> 0:13:36.600 long distance relationship potentially. That's next on scrubbing in. 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:56.760 All right, we are back and we have a job 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:58.080 predicament to handle. 0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:02.680 Dear Beckattanya Mark, longtime listener, an OG bachelor fan here. 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:05.400 I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. We lived 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:07.760 together at a solid relationship, were in our late twenties. 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:10.240 I'm from the East Coast. He's from the West Coast. 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:12.960 He came here for a five year PhD program and 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:15.400 he was set to graduate next May. I am in 0:14:15.440 --> 0:14:17.880 a master's program to become a nurse practitioner, set to 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:20.840 graduate next May as well. Since the beginning, my boyfriend 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:22.320 has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:25.360 stay here. There are opportunities, but he wants to go 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:27.600 back home, but back to the West Coast. Friend's family, 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:29.840 all that stuff, and I've been excited at the prospects 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:31.240 of living in a new place, and I said, I 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:35.600 am on board, I'm flexible, let's go west. Well, my 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:37.680 boyfriend took an internship this fall, so it means that 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:39.520 his graduation is going to be pushed back, so we're 0:14:39.520 --> 0:14:42.680 no longer graduating at the same time. My degree requires 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:44.600 a lot of clinical skills and knowledge that I'm worried 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.400 that if I will then I'll lose those skills. If 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:49.280 it don't immediately start a job when I graduate, I 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:51.240 could fall back on being a nurse at my current 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:52.760 job for a bit, but it's not something I want 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:55.120 to do for too long. I'm excited to get started 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:57.360 start my life. I wanted to be making the endp 0:14:57.560 --> 0:15:01.360 Bucks and Me says, I have to get a job 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:03.920 for myself and focus on what's best for me. Modern 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.560 woman power all the way. But there's this part of 0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:09.040 me that thinks am I jeopardizing our relationship by not 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:11.280 waiting a few months for him to graduate figure out 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:14.200 his stuff so we can all move together. For context, 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.560 he's very supportive of me getting an MP job here, 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:18.480 especially since we're in a city with some of the 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:21.080 best hospitals in the country. He seems okay with being 0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:23.320 in two different places for a bit. He says, we'll 0:15:23.320 --> 0:15:24.920 make it work, we'll figure it out. But I can't 0:15:24.920 --> 0:15:26.640 help the thinking. The committee to do a job here 0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:29.520 is going to make things harder on our relationship. What 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:31.160 are your thoughts? And by the way, thank you for 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:34.240 being a continual happy place for me. You guys are 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:35.320 the best. 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:39.960 This one's tough because I feel like I don't know 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:46.080 the intricacies of NP and like that job circuit because 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:48.960 if you take if she takes the job there now 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:52.240 and then he graduates in six months, can't she just 0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:53.680 look for another job in six months? 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:58.120 Summow is right that poo pooed upon. 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:01.400 Yeah, I don't know either, but maybe that is something 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:02.120 I don't know. 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.320 It seems like a very compromise. Get a job now 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:08.240 straight out after you graduate, wait for him to graduate, 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:11.800 and then transfer after six months wherever he goes, or why. 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:12.800 Can't y'all stay for. 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:17.120 Like agree to a time, Like let's say you agree 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:18.760 to stay there for a year, you get a job, 0:16:18.800 --> 0:16:20.200 you're there for at least a year, and then you 0:16:20.280 --> 0:16:23.160 see if there's a transfer opportunity, and that way, when 0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:25.160 he graduates, he can get a job or something, and 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:28.640 y'all can kind of be in the same place while 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:30.040 you're doing what you want to do. 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:33.800 With the potential of transferring somewhere else. 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:36.840 Right, I think you'd be giving to him by getting 0:16:36.840 --> 0:16:39.640 a job and waiting for him, and then he should 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:41.680 give to you by kind of waiting for you, because 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:43.440 I think a year at a job that's reasonable. Right 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:45.760 to leave after a year at a job, I don't know. 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:49.800 It seems like I don't think you'd be looked down 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:51.640 upon if you left after a year, No. 0:16:52.080 --> 0:16:54.200 Because I mean I think you just graduate, you get 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:56.320 a job, and then it's kind of like, Okay, there's 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.680 opportunities always to transfer and go to new places. 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:01.480 I guess there's a danger that this is going to 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:02.960 be a great job. She can love it, you love 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:04.440 the people she works with. She's not I want to 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:06.320 leave so much. I guess there's danger in that. 0:17:08.040 --> 0:17:08.920 I think here's the thing. 0:17:08.920 --> 0:17:11.679 If you're compromising and you're saying, well, he finishes, then 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:16.040 I think that he compromises and stays till you feel 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:18.800 ready to move on too. I think if this is 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:21.120 your person and you'll want to be together, then you're 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:22.800 going to figure it out wherever you are. 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:26.920 How do you both feel about them spending say six 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:29.399 months apart he leaves after he graduates. She does know 0:17:29.480 --> 0:17:32.720 the six months on the East coast? Is that dangerous 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:34.120 as long as. 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:35.919 There's an end date, right, Like, as long as you 0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:38.560 have a goal to be together. I think it's problematic 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:40.440 when you do long distance and there's no end in sight. 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:43.880 I think long distance is hard though, like I do, 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:48.320 I think your relationship will experience the new challenges and 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:48.920 if y'all. 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:50.399 It doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:51.320 That's true. 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:54.280 But I don't know that if Robbie said, hey, let's 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:57.560 spend six months apart, that you would say, if it 0:17:57.560 --> 0:18:00.400