Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
Speaker 2: the world, it is as always so great to have
Speaker 2: you here. About a quarter of us are struggling with
Speaker 2: our mental health in some way, whether it's a very
Speaker 2: present thing in our day to day life or just
Speaker 2: kind of always there sitting silently in the background. That
Speaker 2: means that, basically, if you were to select four people
Speaker 2: in your office, at your workplace, on your train this morning,
Speaker 2: in a classroom, you know, if you were to select
Speaker 2: four people from a random friendship group or from a family,
Speaker 2: one of them would have a story about the way
Speaker 2: their mental health is a present figure in their life
Speaker 2: or something that they've dealt with. It's kind of a
Speaker 2: startling number when you think about it, twenty five percent
Speaker 2: of people, but it's also very much true. Here's the
Speaker 2: thing though, for that one in four each of those
Speaker 2: people would have about you know, the averages five to
Speaker 2: five to ten close friends, about fifty percent of them
Speaker 2: would have a partner. Most of us have some family
Speaker 2: that we would be close to. And so though you know,
Speaker 2: although it's one quarter of us who may be struggling
Speaker 2: with our mental health, and you know, in what feels
Speaker 2: like a very solitary experience, there are millions, if not
Speaker 2: billions more who see someone they love hurting, struggling, persevering,
Speaker 2: and they want to help, but sometimes just don't know
Speaker 2: how to because who has ever taught them? When was
Speaker 2: that really ever included in a school curriculum, When was
Speaker 2: that a priority to teach us as children, or as
Speaker 2: teenagers or ever, how to help someone we love when
Speaker 2: they're struggling with their mental health. So, today, my lovely listeners,
Speaker 2: that is exactly what we're talking about. Whether it is
Speaker 2: someone that we're dating, someone that we're in a relationship with,
Speaker 2: a friend, a family member, how do we help them
Speaker 2: with their own private struggles and battles that we just
Speaker 2: don't really know much about, that we don't have a
Speaker 2: guidebook to even when we try our hardest to do
Speaker 2: our best, it can really be quite scary being this situation.
Speaker 2: I want to just say that first, like upfront first,
Speaker 2: and foremost, because every fiber of you wants to fix
Speaker 2: what's going on. You see their distress, you want to
Speaker 2: get rid of it, You want to find some way through,
Speaker 2: But we just don't know how, and sometimes it's just
Speaker 2: not something that we're capable of. But we still want
Speaker 2: to be there for them, and we still want to
Speaker 2: love them, and we probably still want the relationship to
Speaker 2: to thrive and to survive despite what's going on. So
Speaker 2: today I want to give you seven of my biggest
Speaker 2: tips that I've learned from the people who have honestly
Speaker 2: showed up for me, what I needed during times when
Speaker 2: my mental health wasn't great, what I wish people had known,
Speaker 2: but also what they did really really well, and also
Speaker 2: things that I've learned from the times when I've been
Speaker 2: the support system for someone else who is struggling. I
Speaker 2: feel like a lot of this comes down to personal experience,
Speaker 2: but also some of the psychologies, some of the more
Speaker 2: therapeutical recommendations. We're going to discuss the best ways to
Speaker 2: educate yourself, to listen, to keep yourself well, how to communicate,
Speaker 2: how to advocate for your loved one. This is just
Speaker 2: like such an important topic for me just because of
Speaker 2: the honestly egregious lack of resources that we typically have,
Speaker 2: but also because I think I would have benefited from
Speaker 2: this information at times, both in terms of how I
Speaker 2: would have wanted to communicate my needs to people, but
Speaker 2: also kind of wanting to know how to help someone
Speaker 2: that I love. So I'm hoping that you can come
Speaker 2: back to this, this can kind of be a reference
Speaker 2: point for you when you're wading through some pricky waters
Speaker 2: trying to figure out the best way to go about things.
Speaker 2: We're going to keep this intro shorten swee. I realized
Speaker 2: that I've been kind of rambling for a while and
Speaker 2: just really get into what is useful here. Some practical advice,
Speaker 2: some useful reminders, some things that you may not know
Speaker 2: or you haven't thought about when it comes to loving, supporting,
Speaker 2: caring about someone who is going through it with their
Speaker 2: mental health. So, without further ado, let's go. Let's talk
Speaker 2: through my five biggest pointers and pieces of advice that
Speaker 2: I give people when they ask me how do I
Speaker 2: make life easier for the person I love who is
Speaker 2: struggling with their mental health? Where exactly do I start?
Speaker 2: What do I do? The biggest thing you can do
Speaker 2: and the best place to start is to educate yourself.
Speaker 2: I know that sounds super super simple, but it does
Speaker 2: involve a bit more than just reading a Wikipedia page
Speaker 2: that lists the definition of anxiety or depression or ORZD
Speaker 2: from the nineteen hundreds and like three to four symptoms.
Speaker 2: I want you to actually do some digging. What's the pathology,
Speaker 2: what's happening in their mind that creates this reality for them,
Speaker 2: what's the biology, what are the reactions the contributors? You know,
Speaker 2: I want you to be able to write me like
Speaker 2: a report on this. When they're panicking, when they're overstimulated,
Speaker 2: when they're coping with a depressive episode, what does that
Speaker 2: actually mean? What is the science, what does the psychology?
Speaker 2: Get as much information as you can, firstly, so that
Speaker 2: you can act from an informed place. You can take
Speaker 2: on the thinking for them in a crisis or in
Speaker 2: a tough situation because you kind of know what is
Speaker 2: happening on a more neurological or on a more I
Speaker 2: don't know, unconscious level. But secondly, sometimes feeling seen is
Speaker 2: really all that people want. You don't have to have
Speaker 2: the answers, it's just the fact that you tried and
Speaker 2: you went looking for them. That is more than enough.
Speaker 2: From personal experience, I will say that it is so
Speaker 2: validating when the person you love takes time to understand
Speaker 2: all the things that make you you, even the things
Speaker 2: that on a personal level are quite vulnerable and hard
Speaker 2: to show people because oftentimes I think the most exhausting
Speaker 2: thing to do in the moment when life is like
Speaker 2: really really hard, you're in an episode, your symptoms are spiking,
Speaker 2: is to have to give a reason for why this
Speaker 2: is happening, or to try and find the patience or
Speaker 2: the mental energy to explaint step by step, you know
Speaker 2: what's occurring in your brain, what does this feel like?
Speaker 2: What's actually happening. So coming to the table, even with
Speaker 2: just knowledge, is already doing fifty percent of the work
Speaker 2: for them. I remember having a panic attack in front
Speaker 2: of a partner once an ex partner, and you know
Speaker 2: our relationship didn't end up. You know, it ended pretty poorly,
Speaker 2: I will say, but I will always remember this time.
Speaker 2: Really it's quite a special memory for me, and having
Speaker 2: this panic attack and really not doing well, and he
Speaker 2: like pulls out this explanation about what exactly is happening
Speaker 2: to my body, and he carefully and calmly explains it
Speaker 2: to me. He explains the reactions in my amig deala,
Speaker 2: he explains the Nora pinephron running through my veins and
Speaker 2: what my heart rate is doing. And having all that
Speaker 2: information being presented to me quite rationally without having to
Speaker 2: call in it myself was so special. And seeing how
Speaker 2: committed he was to really getting it and getting what
Speaker 2: I was going through was so soothing. So, like I said,
Speaker 2: obviously we're no longer together, and you know, the relationship
Speaker 2: ended pretty poorly, but it is a pretty special memory
Speaker 2: and it was definitely one of those times when my
Speaker 2: standards for friendship, for future relationships, for really everyone in
Speaker 2: my life increased. I will say, as much as scientific
Speaker 2: almost textbook information and knowledge is really fantastic, and I
Speaker 2: think we can all really benefit from a deeper understanding
Speaker 2: of all the things that have flicked our brains. It
Speaker 2: is just the first step. Part of educating yourself also
Speaker 2: means listening to your partner when things are settled down,
Speaker 2: when the time is right, and when they have the
Speaker 2: mental space to teach you about their specific experience. There
Speaker 2: are things your partner can tell you about themselves and
Speaker 2: whatever is racing through their mind or impacting their reality
Speaker 2: that no one has ever written down before, that no
Speaker 2: one could know, that none of us could see. Because
Speaker 2: it is so individual, there really is no guidebook when
Speaker 2: it comes to caring and supporting someone you love, because
Speaker 2: mental health is truly different for everyone. Of course, here
Speaker 2: I am speaking about what you can do, but something
Speaker 2: that I really want to impress upon you is that
Speaker 2: every person who is struggling with a mental illness, a
Speaker 2: mental condition, mental affliction, whatever it is, is going to
Speaker 2: experience that almost just insanely differently from the next person.
Speaker 2: There will be some general things that are the same. Obviously,
Speaker 2: there are criteria that you need to meet in order
Speaker 2: to be diagnosed. There is a general set of categories
Speaker 2: that people fall into. But if you were to take
Speaker 2: one person with who had been diagnosed with depression and
Speaker 2: compare them to another person, it's still going to be different.
Speaker 2: You know, it's still going to have a different This
Speaker 2: person's going to have a different origin story for you know,
Speaker 2: the first time they experienced a depressive episode. They're going
Speaker 2: to have different sets of particularities or patterns of thoughts,
Speaker 2: or ways of responding or behaviors. I really want us
Speaker 2: all to remember that our brains have I think it's
Speaker 2: like twenty five quadrillion neural pathways. That is not even
Speaker 2: a number that any of us can comprehend. It's more
Speaker 2: stars in the milky Way, more people then will ever
Speaker 2: be on this earth. That is how many different connections
Speaker 2: and pathways are in each of our brains. So the
Speaker 2: same way that none of our personalities or our realities
Speaker 2: are the same. Even in one person's experience with their
Speaker 2: mental health is going to be as unique as they are.
Speaker 2: Get to know their story. This is when I want
Speaker 2: you to allow your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your loved one
Speaker 2: to be your source of truth. The online resources might
Speaker 2: say that anxiety or BPD looks one way. It might
Speaker 2: look irrational or highly explosive or whatever it says. But
Speaker 2: if they're saying to you that doesn't describe my experience,
Speaker 2: trust their truth because generalizations and misjudging based on a
Speaker 2: limited definition or information is actually one of the main
Speaker 2: ways that we unintentionally uphold stigma, even if we don't
Speaker 2: mean to. Some general rules here for listening to someone
Speaker 2: speak about such hard topics is to firstly be open
Speaker 2: to the moment and when your partner decides that it's
Speaker 2: time to share, it's time to listen. And I know
Speaker 2: if that sounds like kind of an impossible thing, like,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, what if I'm going on my way
Speaker 2: to work, what if like something else is happening, I
Speaker 2: get that. But it is so hard to talk about
Speaker 2: mental health, even when you feel supported, even when you
Speaker 2: think that this person won't judge you, because we have
Speaker 2: been conditioned into staying silent about it, from everything to stereotypes,
Speaker 2: to the media to personal experiences where we've been shut down.
Speaker 2: It is so difficult to kind of get the courage
Speaker 2: to be open about something so vulnerable. So if someone
Speaker 2: is opening up to you of a text in person,
Speaker 2: over the phone, if they are showing you this emotional
Speaker 2: side that you know is rare for them to reveal,
Speaker 2: and that not any random person is privy to that
Speaker 2: is a privilege. So please try not to move on
Speaker 2: to the next part of the conversation. Don't try and
Speaker 2: bury it. Just be a sponge for a second. Just
Speaker 2: be a sponge and absorb. Sometimes you just don't know
Speaker 2: what to say. And I get that discomfort. It's a
Speaker 2: very human discomfort to kind of be in this situation
Speaker 2: where you're like, oh, I know that this requires me
Speaker 2: to say something. I know I should be responding to
Speaker 2: them opening up, but I just I don't want to
Speaker 2: say the wrong thing. I get it. So I want
Speaker 2: you to remember the golden rule here is just to
Speaker 2: validate whatever they say. Your response is one of validation.
Speaker 2: Either you say things like you know that must be
Speaker 2: so typicult, that makes sense why you're so upset about this? Nope,
Speaker 2: you're not overreacting. This is a tough situation. I'm here
Speaker 2: for you. Take your time, have a few of those
Speaker 2: up your sleeve, like literally, just put it all back
Speaker 2: onto them and acknowledging their experience or ask questions that
Speaker 2: create that positive emotional space for them to share more
Speaker 2: things like I want to hear more about that if
Speaker 2: you want to share, and what happened afterwards? How are
Speaker 2: you feeling now? That is the golden rule. Well, actually
Speaker 2: there's two golden rules, so I guess the golden and
Speaker 2: golden and silver rule. The gold rule is to validate
Speaker 2: as much as possible. The silver rule, I guess, is
Speaker 2: just to listen more than you speak and try not
Speaker 2: to insert yourself into what they're experiencing by comparing your
Speaker 2: experiences interrupting, or I think worse, but hardest of all,
Speaker 2: thinking that what they're going through always comes back to you,
Speaker 2: because a lot of the time it doesn't. If someone
Speaker 2: is anxious, if someone is upset, frustrated, irritated, Sometimes our
Speaker 2: tendency is to see their emotions and feel threatened by them, like, Oh,
Speaker 2: are they mad at me? Are they anxious about our relationship?
Speaker 2: Is this what it's all about? I get the inclination.
Speaker 2: Just pause for a second. If it was about you,
Speaker 2: trust them to say something. People with mental health concerns
Speaker 2: can stand up for themselves like they're not weak or
Speaker 2: confused or deceitful or anything of the sort. If it
Speaker 2: was about you, they would say so. But often you
Speaker 2: are part of the solution for them rather than the problem.
Speaker 2: That is why they are trusting you with this information,
Speaker 2: because they see a future. They want you to know
Speaker 2: them deeply and intimately, so just try not to jump
Speaker 2: to conclusions about what they're feeling or who or what
Speaker 2: it's towards. This brings me to my next point. Don't
Speaker 2: always assume that you know what's best, and instead really
Speaker 2: learn how they most like to be treated or helped
Speaker 2: through a tough moment, because again it's very individual and
Speaker 2: it may be different to what you may need. The
Speaker 2: first instinct that we have when we see someone we
Speaker 2: love in pain, suffering, panicking is to immediately jump into action.
Speaker 2: That shows you have a deep bond when their pain
Speaker 2: is your pain. It's also reflective of the existence of
Speaker 2: these things called mirror neurons between you two, which are
Speaker 2: basically connections in your brain that match the connections in
Speaker 2: theirs on a neurological level. These mirror neurons were first
Speaker 2: observed actually in monkeys who had these really really complex
Speaker 2: social bonds that meant that sometimes these primates could feel
Speaker 2: each other's pain quite literally. But there was this groundbreaking
Speaker 2: research in twenty twenty two, only two years ago, which
Speaker 2: is such a short time when it comes to science,
Speaker 2: and it found these same neurons first identified in the
Speaker 2: monkeys were also present in you and I. The existence
Speaker 2: of mirror neurons means that when you see someone you
Speaker 2: love or you're connected to struggling, you will sometimes feel
Speaker 2: some of that same tension, stress, even sensory pain that
Speaker 2: they do. And this really makes you want to do
Speaker 2: something for both of your sakes. Pause for a second,
Speaker 2: you might have all the love in the world, there
Speaker 2: are just some things you can't fix, especially in the moment,
Speaker 2: So you don't need to be the solution for them.
Speaker 2: Just provide them with what they need most from you
Speaker 2: to help them get to not even a place of
Speaker 2: looking for a solution themselves, but just to a place
Speaker 2: of so friendly and calm and peace. What do they need?
Speaker 2: What would they most want from you right now? And
Speaker 2: if you don't know, the easiest way is to ask.
Speaker 2: Some people prefer comfort, some people prefer solutions, silence, They
Speaker 2: just want to be listened to. Typically, the three things
Speaker 2: that people need most are known as the three h's.
Speaker 2: Do you want to be helped, held, or heard? Basically,
Speaker 2: just get to know your partner's processing language or style.
Speaker 2: The same way that we have a love language, most
Speaker 2: of us have an emotional processing language. Often it's a combination,
Speaker 2: but at different times you do need different things. Do
Speaker 2: you need to be able to physically express what you're feeling?
Speaker 2: To create cregatively express what you're feeling. Do you prefer
Speaker 2: intellectualizing problem solving verbally talking it out? Do you just
Speaker 2: need silence? That's sometimes something that I need. Get to
Speaker 2: know what is your partner's like first way, or your
Speaker 2: friend or your loved one, what is the first way
Speaker 2: they like to go about a problem or something that
Speaker 2: they're going through. Is it just to sit with it
Speaker 2: themselves or is it to do something? Let them kind
Speaker 2: of guide you in what is best for them, because
Speaker 2: they do know themselves best in this situation, and that
Speaker 2: means that they are actually going to get the support
Speaker 2: that they require from you. You know. I remember the
Speaker 2: story of like my friend going through a really really
Speaker 2: rough time and her boyfriend like clean their house, do
Speaker 2: the dishes, do the groceries, so lovely from him, right,
Speaker 2: And she was like, I don't know why, but I
Speaker 2: was so frustrated about that because in my mind, I
Speaker 2: was coming home and I wanted to have control over
Speaker 2: this situation, and I wanted to do those chores. That
Speaker 2: was going to be a way for me to like
Speaker 2: work through the problems in my brain by working through
Speaker 2: the things that needed to be done in the house.
Speaker 2: Like that control was really what I needed in that moment,
Speaker 2: and he kind of took that away from me. You
Speaker 2: would never know that, right, You would never know that
Speaker 2: he obviously was doing what he thought was best. But
Speaker 2: sometimes the most meaningful thing is not what you think
Speaker 2: is best. It's what the person actually requires. And I
Speaker 2: know that it's just like the most simple principle, but
Speaker 2: I think it's an important reminder to just ask. Honestly.
Speaker 2: You could also make a list in your notes app
Speaker 2: to remind you of what moods, what situations require what
Speaker 2: from you, both from conversations with them and also from
Speaker 2: noticing things in the moment. For me, I have a
Speaker 2: list for myself when I'm panicking or just overwhelmed with
Speaker 2: anxiety or going through like a real you know, down
Speaker 2: period in my life. I have this list of like
Speaker 2: it's almost up to twenty things that I know I
Speaker 2: can do that I know I would need or could help.
Speaker 2: Progressive muscle relaxation is one of them. Calling my boyfriend
Speaker 2: and talking it out, taking a big walk in nature,
Speaker 2: listening to a guide of meditation. And what's really really
Speaker 2: valuable to me is that my partner has a similar
Speaker 2: one of like, Okay, if this is what's happening, this
Speaker 2: is what we need to do. This is like a
Speaker 2: plan of attack. It's like an individualized guide book. And
Speaker 2: I think we are at this stage in our relationship
Speaker 2: where he knows that if I'm having a really, really
Speaker 2: rough time, I really don't want to hear a solution
Speaker 2: from him. I really don't need him problem solving for me.
Speaker 2: As kind and beautiful and lovely as that is, I
Speaker 2: actually need to be present in the crisis and fix
Speaker 2: it myself. So him coming in and suggesting things is
Speaker 2: just overwhelming and stressful. That is my perspective, That is
Speaker 2: what I need. But for other people, they really do
Speaker 2: need that rational voice outside of their head to say
Speaker 2: something and to help them through whatever it is they're
Speaker 2: going through. So just trying not to infantize your partner.
Speaker 2: This is something I see a lot, and I get
Speaker 2: people complaining about it to me a lot, Like why
Speaker 2: does my boyfriend treat me like I'm stupid just because
Speaker 2: I'm anxious? Why is everyone always asking me if I'm okay,
Speaker 2: like I'm a little child. Why does my boss always
Speaker 2: speak to me in hush tones? Why do people just
Speaker 2: take over parts of my life thinking that I don't
Speaker 2: know how to do it. Infantalization really occurs when people
Speaker 2: with mental health concerns feel like because their brain works differently,
Speaker 2: they suddenly are seen as less capable or knowledgeable about
Speaker 2: their own condition and their own life. People become overprotective,
Speaker 2: They misjudge what they're able to do, and they think
Speaker 2: they know better, which also contributes to that unsolicited advice
Speaker 2: giving we spoke about earlier, or trying to problem solve
Speaker 2: their lives to them when actually they can do it
Speaker 2: themselves if you give them the support and the safety
Speaker 2: net and the structures around that. Basically, just don't treat
Speaker 2: your partner or your loved one child and you should
Speaker 2: be all good. You should continue to have a respectful
Speaker 2: two way relationship. Okay, we are going to take a
Speaker 2: short break, but when we return, we'll discuss the three
Speaker 2: final pieces of advice I have for you. When you're
Speaker 2: supporting someone who is struggling, don't go anywhere, stay with us.
Speaker 2: We'll be back after this short break. There is something
Speaker 2: so beautiful about someone who respects your lived reality enough
Speaker 2: to defend it even when you're not around. There is
Speaker 2: something really, really beautiful about someone who doesn't ignore your
Speaker 2: experiences and what you're going through even though it's not
Speaker 2: directly impacting them. If you want to be a supportive
Speaker 2: partner a supportive loved one, think about how you speak
Speaker 2: about mental health when they're not around changing stigma, changing prejudice.
Speaker 2: Advocating for mental health to be seen and to be
Speaker 2: respected can't just be in the hands of the people
Speaker 2: who are struggling. It's also up to the people who
Speaker 2: love them to really spark meaningful, positive change, to challenge
Speaker 2: their own beliefs and the beliefs of those around them,
Speaker 2: just to make the world a little bit safer. If
Speaker 2: you hear someone say something that that's just plain wrong,
Speaker 2: say so. If you witness a policy in your workplace
Speaker 2: that you know would make it harder for someone like
Speaker 2: the person you love to show up in their job
Speaker 2: or career, say something you know. If a relative is
Speaker 2: deliberately being bigoted or judgmental, say something that is in
Speaker 2: part your responsibility. I think make the world a little
Speaker 2: bit softer and gentler for your loved one to enter.
Speaker 2: I think in those moments when you stand up, you
Speaker 2: speak out, you challenge what people might incorrectly believe or assume.
Speaker 2: You're not just defending your loved one, you're also kind
Speaker 2: of paving away for a future where they don't have
Speaker 2: to fight those battles themselves, and that you know, where
Speaker 2: they can be open and vulnerable about what they're going through.
Speaker 2: You're basically just helping create a society where there is,
Speaker 2: you know, where mental health is treated with the same
Speaker 2: importance and dignity as physical health. And I think your
Speaker 2: actions are a really powerful message not just to the world,
Speaker 2: but to the people around you, to your close circle
Speaker 2: who probably also interact with your loved one, that mental
Speaker 2: health matters. It's not something to be swept under the rug.
Speaker 2: It's not something to kind of cringe away from and
Speaker 2: be like, Ooh, that's uncomfortable, that's strange. I don't want to,
Speaker 2: you know, a se contagious, I don't want anything to
Speaker 2: do about it. You're being very clear, like, no, this
Speaker 2: is worth defending. I'm going to speak about this. I
Speaker 2: care about this, and it deserves your respect. In doing so.
Speaker 2: I think you just really contribute to a culture of
Speaker 2: empathy and a culture of understanding, and it's one of
Speaker 2: those most beautiful acts of love and true organic support.
Speaker 2: I just think it's one of the most gorgeous things
Speaker 2: that you can do, is to say, you know, I'm
Speaker 2: not just going to support you in private, I'm going
Speaker 2: to advocate for you in public. Whatever that means. It
Speaker 2: also has the secondary consequence impact I guess of making
Speaker 2: it feel like you're doing something when sometimes there's nothing
Speaker 2: that you can really do for them in the sense
Speaker 2: that you can't cure their mental health. You can't always
Speaker 2: fix this problem, but you can make the world and
Speaker 2: the systems that are in place around mental health more accessible,
Speaker 2: less discriminatory, less stigmatized. So I do think that you
Speaker 2: get purpose from it. Even better, you get a sense
Speaker 2: of agency, productivity, progress. You feel like you are doing
Speaker 2: something for this person you love, when sometimes you can
Speaker 2: feel quite powerless in the face of a very private
Speaker 2: battle with mental health. So that's tip number three. For
Speaker 2: this next tip, we are actually going to take a
Speaker 2: step back from your partner, the person you love for
Speaker 2: just a second and focus on you. I want to
Speaker 2: validate you for just a moment. Seeing someone struggle elicits
Speaker 2: a lot of weird, confusing feelings in us, Guilt that
Speaker 2: we can't fix the pain, sometimes an assumption of responsibility
Speaker 2: for their mental health, exhaustion, stress for them, for their wellbeing,
Speaker 2: for their safety, and it can take its toll. I
Speaker 2: know that you would do it no matter what. I
Speaker 2: know that you probably don't feel like a hero for
Speaker 2: just loving someone the way that they should be loved.
Speaker 2: There's really no special award for that, but there have
Speaker 2: been some really important studies showing that when we tend
Speaker 2: to take on a lot of what our partner feeling
Speaker 2: and managing, that can really bleed into our own emotional
Speaker 2: state and it can impact our mood, our ability to cope,
Speaker 2: our sense of optimism for the future, and it can
Speaker 2: be really hopeless at times. And the complicated thing with
Speaker 2: mental health is that the person experiencing it feels it alone.
Speaker 2: It is an isolated experience. You cannot take the pain
Speaker 2: from your brain and put it on the table and
Speaker 2: let people touch it and feel it and understand what
Speaker 2: it feels like for you. But you also do have
Speaker 2: to watch them struggle, and you probably have your own
Speaker 2: anxiety and worries about them that you end up managing alone.
Speaker 2: You may even be dealing with your own mental health.
Speaker 2: So as much as you want to be there everything,
Speaker 2: you want to find the magic cure, as much as
Speaker 2: you want to help, sometimes you just can't and you
Speaker 2: need to fill your own cup. It's like they always
Speaker 2: say this on planes, put on your own mask before
Speaker 2: helping others. Sometimes we can get so concerned and wound
Speaker 2: up in someone else's internal conflicts and pain that we
Speaker 2: drop off of our own self care practices and we
Speaker 2: stop pouring energy in our own lives. So that's really
Speaker 2: tip number four. Time and space for yourself is a
Speaker 2: non negotiable, and I want you and your partner to
Speaker 2: be on the same page about that, whether it's you know,
Speaker 2: an afternoon a day just for you, whether you have
Speaker 2: boundaries around when you can kind of take on the
Speaker 2: mental load. Basically, I think any point where you feel
Speaker 2: extreme tension, you feel things tearing, you feel yourself getting
Speaker 2: really really stressed, or you feel like your relationship isn't working,
Speaker 2: that is where a boundary is required. Discomfort is the
Speaker 2: biggest indicator that a boundary is needed in that space.
Speaker 2: Sometimes that feels really really hard when you just love
Speaker 2: them so much and you don't want to let them down,
Speaker 2: you don't want to say no, you don't want to
Speaker 2: make them feel silenced. But it does actually mean that
Speaker 2: taking space for yourself now means you can continue to
Speaker 2: show up for them into the future. It's also really worthwhile.
Speaker 2: I think having a confident yourself, whether that's a therapist,
Speaker 2: a sibling, an anonymous support group, a really trusted friend.
Speaker 2: And the thing is is that you don't have to
Speaker 2: go into like extreme detail of like, yeah, my girlfriend Jenny,
Speaker 2: like this is exactly what happened at two pm LAS
Speaker 2: yesterday afternoon, and this is the medication she's taking, and
Speaker 2: this is her entire history, her mental health history. You
Speaker 2: don't have to do that. You can focus on how
Speaker 2: the situation is making you feel, and you can get
Speaker 2: the support that you require. A reminder, I think that
Speaker 2: it's not selfish to know your limits. It's not selfish
Speaker 2: to know how much you're able to take on what
Speaker 2: you can and can't carry. In fact, I think it's
Speaker 2: incredibly self aware and loving to know what works for
Speaker 2: you and to want to be able to care and
Speaker 2: love your friend, your sibling, your partner, your mom, whoever
Speaker 2: it is, for as long as possible without that taking
Speaker 2: a toll on you and your relationship, or minimizing the
Speaker 2: toll that it can take on your relationship. This may
Speaker 2: also be hard to hear it, and I know some
Speaker 2: people might not like me for saying this, but it's
Speaker 2: also okay to leave the relationship when you are noticing
Speaker 2: an effect on your own mental health when their mental
Speaker 2: health is creating behaviors that aren't okay, that are unhealthy
Speaker 2: for you or for them, even if you know it
Speaker 2: isn't something that they can control, because I think feeling
Speaker 2: obligated to stay just because of their mental health or
Speaker 2: feeling guilty for leaving is the only motivation for staying. Firstly,
Speaker 2: it creates a really unbalanced dynamic in your relationship of like, well,
Speaker 2: I'm only staying with you because of your mental health.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like, well, you have no incentive to
Speaker 2: improve because then I'll leave you if you get what
Speaker 2: I'm saying. So it's unbalanced first of all, but also
Speaker 2: it's just not a great foundation for a relationship to
Speaker 2: survive or for either of you to get better or
Speaker 2: even you know, be the better versions of yourself to
Speaker 2: be happy if the relationship is creating a really terrible
Speaker 2: cycle for both of you, So it is okay to leave,
Speaker 2: make the decision that is right for you, and then
Speaker 2: you can start thinking, you know, what supports do they
Speaker 2: have in place? How do I deliver this kindly? When
Speaker 2: would be the best time to talk about this? Who
Speaker 2: should maybe know beforehand? If that's also a consideration. I
Speaker 2: know it's a really hard decision. But you're not a
Speaker 2: bad person for prioritizing your health and your well being
Speaker 2: first and foremost, because otherwise you have two people who
Speaker 2: are just not doing very well, and that's more than
Speaker 2: I think a relationship can sometimes take on. I want
Speaker 2: to give you all some final rapid fire tips that
Speaker 2: I hope stick in your brain for when you most
Speaker 2: need them. It's someone supporting someone you love with their
Speaker 2: mental health. First up, never give ultimatums. As much as
Speaker 2: this may be harder for you, trust me, they know
Speaker 2: they know what you're feeling, probably ten times what you're
Speaker 2: going through, and if they could make it all go away,
Speaker 2: if that was an option, they would have done it
Speaker 2: a long time ago and in a heartbeat. And you know,
Speaker 2: that's not to say that mental illness is like a
Speaker 2: disease for which we should only be looking for a cure.
Speaker 2: But what I'm saying is that this is something that
Speaker 2: people can't necessarily change. It's wide into their brain, and
Speaker 2: so asking them to fix it, asking them to get
Speaker 2: better within a short period of time, to get it
Speaker 2: all together, to find some way through. You know, it's
Speaker 2: basically the equivalent of saying, actually, just hide this for me.
Speaker 2: To make my life easier so I don't have to
Speaker 2: deal with it, rather than let's find a way of
Speaker 2: coping and healing together. Let's let this experience make us stronger.
Speaker 2: Know you that you can lean on me, And ultimatum
Speaker 2: basically just says, you know, cure yourself, fix yourself. But
Speaker 2: actually that's not an option. So lie to me about
Speaker 2: it and can seal things from me which is not
Speaker 2: necessarily or even a tiny bit healthy. Secondly, know when
Speaker 2: it's too much for the both of you and outside
Speaker 2: help is needed. This probably, now that I'm thinking about it,
Speaker 2: should have been tip number one. But even therapists, even psychiatrists,
Speaker 2: even the most skilled, educated, wise people in the world,
Speaker 2: do not act as the physicians or the psychologists for
Speaker 2: their family members, or their friends or their partners, because
Speaker 2: they know that the help that is needed goes beyond them.
Speaker 2: You need a neutral, trained third party to be a confidant,
Speaker 2: to offer support, assistance. You need something and someone beyond you.
Speaker 2: You just can't be everything, but you can be the
Speaker 2: one who encourages them to get the help they need.
Speaker 2: Because there is trust in your relationship, they're going to
Speaker 2: feel safe enough to take the next step they're going
Speaker 2: to feel safe in the fact that you're the one
Speaker 2: encouraging them and you wouldn't do anything that's going to
Speaker 2: hurt them. Therapy is really, really hard if you've never
Speaker 2: been before, and even when you have been before, like
Speaker 2: it's a trick if you experience it's hard being so
Speaker 2: open with someone at the beginning, especially since you know,
Speaker 2: I think a therapy client therapist client relationship requires a
Speaker 2: lot of trust, and trust is mainly a product of time,
Speaker 2: So at the very beginning, it can feel awkward to
Speaker 2: talk to a stranger basically about things that you may
Speaker 2: have only ever told a partner or loved ones. But
Speaker 2: there is a good reason why everyone recommends therapy and
Speaker 2: why you should go, because, to be honest, it works.
Speaker 2: If it's something that is accessible to you, really really
Speaker 2: would recommend it. Finally, make time to still have a relationship,
Speaker 2: even if that means adjustments. Your love has kind of
Speaker 2: got to exist through this, and love does take effort.
Speaker 2: The hardest thing, one of the hardest things that I've
Speaker 2: recognized for people who have relationships in which one of
Speaker 2: them is dealing with their mental health is to find
Speaker 2: a way to still actively date each other even if
Speaker 2: that looks differently. Mental health is always going to be
Speaker 2: part of your dynamic. It might come and go and
Speaker 2: sometimes be a lot quieter than at other times, but
Speaker 2: it's still going to be present the same way that
Speaker 2: a physical injury, a physical illness, a physical condition would be.
Speaker 2: And I don't want that to be a scary thing
Speaker 2: for you. I want you to remember why you're together,
Speaker 2: even in dark times. I want you to still love
Speaker 2: and celebrate this person and be celebrated yourself. I still
Speaker 2: want you to make memories that bond you and actively
Speaker 2: date each other so that this connection between you two
Speaker 2: only becomes stronger throughout everything that you're going through. You know,
Speaker 2: full on date nights might not always be on the cards.
Speaker 2: Then maybe times when we're at capacity, we need space,
Speaker 2: we need a night in. You don't want to socialize,
Speaker 2: but find a night, a morning, a weekend every now
Speaker 2: and again. When you focus on what's in the future,
Speaker 2: you focus on YouTube, you focus on what's good, and
Speaker 2: you nurture the connection that you know the reason you're
Speaker 2: listening to this episode because you love them and because
Speaker 2: you care about them, and because you want them to
Speaker 2: get better, to feel better, to get back on their feet,
Speaker 2: and I guess you also just want your love to last.
Speaker 2: You want to do what's best by them, and I
Speaker 2: think that that is a really beautiful commitment and a
Speaker 2: sign of commitment to your relationship. I will also say,
Speaker 2: I know I just said that's my final thing, but
Speaker 2: one more thing. You're not always going to get everything right,
Speaker 2: and I just want to give you the permission that
Speaker 2: you need right now for that to be the case.
Speaker 2: Even you know me, someone who talks about mental health
Speaker 2: twice a week, daily, every probably like every single day,
Speaker 2: I talk about mental health. I have mental health problems
Speaker 2: of my own. I have family members with mental health problems.
Speaker 2: There are still times when I'm just like, I really
Speaker 2: don't know what to say in this situation, and I'm
Speaker 2: probably going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.
Speaker 2: But it's okay if you're doing it earnestly and from
Speaker 2: a place of genuine curiosity and care, not everyone. I
Speaker 2: think the thing to say about this is that mental
Speaker 2: health is really really complicated that even the people who
Speaker 2: are experiencing it don't always know what's going on. So
Speaker 2: the fact that you don't know what's going on either
Speaker 2: means that you're probably in the same boat. So just
Speaker 2: give yourself some grace and some forgiveness to just try
Speaker 2: and when in doubt, like we said, golden rule, validate, listen, love,
Speaker 2: and you'll be doing just fine. So thank you so
Speaker 2: much for listening to this episode. If you've got this far,
Speaker 2: I hope that you learned something. I hope that you
Speaker 2: feel more equipped to show up in this situation to
Speaker 2: provide kindness and love and care to this person that
Speaker 2: you love. And yeah, if there's someone else that you
Speaker 2: think needs to hear this episode, please feel free to
Speaker 2: share with them. Make sure that if you did enjoy this,
Speaker 2: leave us a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify
Speaker 2: wherever you're listening right now, and if you have something
Speaker 2: you want to share, if you have more pointers, more tips,
Speaker 2: anything that's on your mind, make sure you are following
Speaker 2: us at That's Psychology Podcast on Instagram and you can
Speaker 2: share your thoughts, feelings, requests for a follow up episode,
Speaker 2: requests for another topic over there. Again, thank you for listening,
Speaker 2: and until next time, stay safe, stay kind, and be
Speaker 2: gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.