1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. Okay, Dr Lex, I was 3 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,039 Speaker 1: just telling you that this month is the new Beginnings 4 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: month on Velvet's Edge, which is obvious because it's January. 5 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,759 Speaker 1: I feel like everyone is kind of getting into this 6 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: place of like, all right, what's my resolution? What do 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:23,520 Speaker 1: I want to do different? The last two years have 8 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 1: been super shitty and hard, and I think we're all exhausted, 9 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 1: and so a lot of people are starting to identify 10 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 1: this collective trauma and the feelings of like, man, we're 11 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: still in this and it's hard to navigate, and maybe 12 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,159 Speaker 1: I don't have the tools that I need. And so 13 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,519 Speaker 1: I've had a lot of messages come in um just 14 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 1: the past like a couple of months about where do 15 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,640 Speaker 1: I start, you know, And so I wanted to bring 16 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 1: that to Velvet's Edge in this way of like, there's 17 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 1: a lot of different options to healing, I believe, and 18 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: I've done a lot of them, and I love exploring 19 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: new options, and so I wanted to bring some of 20 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,960 Speaker 1: the options that have really worked for me to the people. 21 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 1: Listening and therapy is where I started. That was like 22 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,399 Speaker 1: the number one thing over a decade ago that I 23 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 1: just was like, I need help. Where do I go? 24 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: And you and I were talking, and I said talk. 25 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,760 Speaker 1: Therapy is talked about a lot more, and so I 26 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 1: do think it's becoming a lot more familiar to people 27 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:20,040 Speaker 1: in common and I feel like it is still quite 28 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 1: a bit overwhelming on where to start. So I wanted 29 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: to navigate some of that with you. But let's start 30 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,400 Speaker 1: with telling the listeners what your story is. How did 31 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 1: you get into therapy? What kind of therapist are you? 32 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 1: So always one of my most fun questions, and I 33 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,040 Speaker 1: will just say you were cutting edge if you started 34 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: therapy ten years ago, right, that's before the conversation. Even 35 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: fact we were considered very happy the people just that 36 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: just hospitalized people is not all we do. That is 37 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:54,320 Speaker 1: the last resort, not something we'd rather do. But so 38 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 1: I'm Dr. Lex she heard doctor pronouns. I am a 39 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 1: clinical sexologist. It means that I have a lot of 40 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: letters behind my name that basically say I'm very comfortable 41 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,360 Speaker 1: talking about sex and sexuality and i have a lot 42 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,200 Speaker 1: of education around sex and sexuality. And I'm also a 43 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: licensed marriage and family therapist, which is a little bit different. 44 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: You hear about social workers, you hear about counselors. So 45 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,919 Speaker 1: I am a marriage and family therapist, and that means 46 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 1: I come to a model of systemic thought. So I 47 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 1: think about people in systems, not individually, not by themselves, 48 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: but systemically. Everybody exists with other people and other systems. 49 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: So it's really important that you don't kind of exist 50 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 1: all by yourself. And that's the work I get to do. 51 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 1: I mostly see lovers, I do see some families, so 52 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 1: it's really important that you have these relationship dynamics. Yeah, 53 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's kind of been a journey 54 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: that I've been on personally the last couple of months. 55 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: Is just how everything that we do in our lives 56 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: um affects our relationships. And like I know, for me, 57 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 1: I learned the most in relationships, but it also is 58 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,920 Speaker 1: where I bump up against myself the most and said 59 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: it can be somewhat painful to navigate sometimes UM, but 60 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: also super helpful. So definitely, couples therapy has been something 61 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: that's super interesting to me. Why did you initially get 62 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 1: into therapy? So it's really interesting. I am the coolest 63 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:25,920 Speaker 1: nerdy will ever meet. I have, I have a background 64 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,680 Speaker 1: in physics pre med. So I graduated from college with 65 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: a physics degree. I took no I took one psychology course, 66 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 1: and then I decided that I didn't want to go 67 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 1: to bed school anymore. I didn't want to try and 68 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: shape people. I wanted to go into plastics and reconstructive surgery. Basically, 69 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: to do affirmation surgeries for trans folks was my ideal, 70 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 1: but I would have had to go through being a 71 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: plastic surgeon for that, and plastic surgery also means that 72 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 1: I have to shape people into different forms of themselves externally, 73 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: and those systems usually tell people who look like me, 74 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 1: I'm a fat black woman from the South, that were 75 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: ugly and I couldn't. I couldn't do that. I'm the 76 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: person's like, what's wrong with your nose? Can you breathe? Like? 77 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 1: I think your nose is beautiful? Why are why are 78 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: we changing it? And so I wanted to start healing 79 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:20,039 Speaker 1: people from inside out rather than outside in? And I 80 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 1: was like, what does that therapy does that? And so 81 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,919 Speaker 1: I looked it up. It was probably it's probably Google 82 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,920 Speaker 1: back then, and my senior year of college, I was like, oh, 83 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to I don't want to 84 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: cut into people. I want to help people heal and 85 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: to do that, I was like, I also want to 86 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,039 Speaker 1: help people talk about sex in ways that brings pleasure 87 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: and joy and relationships that are healthy and sex therapist 88 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: does this exist? It does exist, since I went and 89 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,599 Speaker 1: found a program and I had to take some extra 90 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 1: psychology courses and I then became a sex therapist. I 91 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 1: love your story being a transition from the outside changing 92 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 1: the outside of people to changing the inside. That is 93 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 1: very similar to my story. I always say on velvet sedge, 94 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 1: I think we all have a little bit of velvet 95 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: and a little bit of edge. And I started my 96 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 1: journey into talking publicly about anything with talking about fashion. 97 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: You know, I'm a stylist and I do here and makeup, 98 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,599 Speaker 1: and so a lot of it was the same. I 99 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:26,840 Speaker 1: loved helping people feel good about themselves, and I started 100 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,839 Speaker 1: doing that by working on their outsides. And what it 101 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,039 Speaker 1: has now transitioned into for me is really identifying with 102 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 1: the connection piece of helping people on their insides and 103 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 1: finding that inner beauty and that inner glow and not 104 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 1: focusing so much on the outside, which is a pretty 105 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:47,480 Speaker 1: it's a pretty rash change, you know, But I think 106 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: it all comes from the same place ultimately of wanting 107 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: to help people. So I truly identify with that exact thing. 108 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 1: Thank you. I so I want to tell people a 109 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 1: little bit it about why therapy works. And I think 110 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 1: it's like we all can sit here and go you know. 111 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: I know, therapy is like I go sit in an 112 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,800 Speaker 1: office and obviously I'm struggling with some things in my life, 113 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,719 Speaker 1: so I'll just go talk about this to this person 114 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: and they'll tell me what to do. But for me, 115 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: it's been a deeper experience and there's been true change 116 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 1: that I have found via therapy and specifically dealing with 117 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,400 Speaker 1: the sex department. I think there's so much that it's 118 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: not even in our awareness a lot of times until 119 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 1: we can sit with someone else and kind of uncover 120 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: some of the things behind it. So if you had 121 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:41,039 Speaker 1: to say, why do you think therapy works? Oh, my goodness, 122 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: so part of exactly what you said, right, My job 123 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 1: isn't actually prescriptive. I don't have to sit across that 124 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 1: person or or a lovership and tell them what to do. 125 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 1: It's not my job to do that. I'm not the 126 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,919 Speaker 1: expert on your life. You are. My job is to 127 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 1: one give you some permission to feel your feels, to 128 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 1: let you know that it's absolutely okay, that this space 129 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 1: is safe for whatever whatever, however, if you don't have 130 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 1: the right words, if it's not politically correct, if you 131 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 1: just don't know, if you're wondering, if it's a far 132 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 1: fantastical idea, it is okay in this space. And then 133 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 1: two to walk with you so you're not alone. So 134 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 1: much that we feel like we're so alone in our 135 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 1: heads and we ponder I'm I'm the only one that 136 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 1: feels this way, or I'm strange, and it can get 137 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,800 Speaker 1: so isolating because I can't tell this to anybody else. 138 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 1: I won't tell this to anybody else. And my job 139 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: is to say you're not alone. These feelings are valid 140 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 1: in their normal for you. Let's process through them. Where 141 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: do you want to go? And I get the privilege 142 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,920 Speaker 1: of walking next to people on their healing journey. I 143 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,560 Speaker 1: don't pull them along because it doesn't work. It doesn't 144 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 1: work if you don't want to be there. Therapy doesn't work. 145 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 1: If you don't want to do the work. I can't 146 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: work harder for you for your wellness. You have to 147 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: want it, but I have the privilege and sometimes the 148 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:20,360 Speaker 1: really hard job of aligning myself with that emotionality of 149 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,720 Speaker 1: being able to amplify it so that you're not alone 150 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 1: in feeling your fields. MM. I needed to hear the 151 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: part about you have to want it. One of my 152 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,679 Speaker 1: biggest hangups in relationships is wanting something for someone else 153 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,840 Speaker 1: more than they want it for themselves. And like you said, 154 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 1: the dragging along piece, I end up just exhausted because 155 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, come on, come on, it could be 156 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:45,319 Speaker 1: so good, like let's just work through this. And if 157 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,319 Speaker 1: they don't want it, like you said, it just doesn't take. 158 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:52,200 Speaker 1: It doesn't work. And that's the hardest lesson to learn. Man, 159 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 1: it's so hard. It's so painful. I think, Like especially 160 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 1: I think when you have had a really good experience 161 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: and therapy and it has been life changing, I just 162 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: want it for everyone else to you know, like, come on, 163 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 1: you guys, like this is this is awesome, This is 164 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,720 Speaker 1: like such an easy fix. Let's just go talk about 165 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: this and you're not alone, like you said, And that's 166 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 1: such a human condition. I don't think ultimately, I think 167 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: all of us are just chasing that connection piece. All 168 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: the time, and that's natural to want, but um, but 169 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: we don't get it and so it for me has 170 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,240 Speaker 1: been a huge part of healing is to find those 171 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 1: places where I am safe and I can say whatever 172 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 1: it is and it doesn't happen. Especially in like our 173 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: cancel culture right now, it's scary to even talk. So 174 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 1: you know, like it's great to have a place to 175 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: go where you can say whatever it is or wherever 176 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,319 Speaker 1: you are that day and not get canceled. Well that 177 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,960 Speaker 1: and like people hold you accountable right, and accountable doesn't 178 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 1: necessarily mean cancel. It doesn't mean they're going to punish you. 179 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 1: They be like, hey, yo, Kelly, that was really messed 180 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: up atually, let me give you some other perspective and 181 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: viewpoints and being willing to expound for you or the 182 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: I can't believe this has been happening to you and 183 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,959 Speaker 1: you've been dealing with it by yourself. I am so 184 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 1: sorry that you felt so alone in this. How can 185 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: I be of support of you? I don't need to 186 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 1: fix it. You're smart, you probably know how to fix 187 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:22,120 Speaker 1: it right or maybe I might need to help you 188 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,600 Speaker 1: brainstorm how to fix it. But how would it be 189 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 1: helpful for me to show up for you. Because we 190 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: know the human condition you have to connect with others 191 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: in order to thrive. Period. Babies who exist without touch die, 192 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 1: and we know we have to exist with others in 193 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:44,320 Speaker 1: order to thrive. But because of our hurts, betrayals, in securities, 194 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:50,319 Speaker 1: early learnings of mistrust of others, we tend to start 195 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 1: to isolate out of safety. Because this hurts so much, 196 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 1: I don't think I can go through it again. So 197 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna be by myself and and bear down 198 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,440 Speaker 1: and get it through it. I'm going to completely ignore 199 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,440 Speaker 1: it and avoid it. That thing didn't happen, it doesn't 200 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,199 Speaker 1: exist whatever, but it impacts my behaviors and my connections 201 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,880 Speaker 1: with others. Yeah, so, would you say one of the 202 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,080 Speaker 1: most healing things about therapy is just being heard and 203 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: feeling seen and the empathy even that you can get 204 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 1: from a therapist. Absolutely. So, the number one predictor if 205 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: therapy is actually going to be beneficial for you is 206 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,880 Speaker 1: rap poor. With a therapist. You have to get along 207 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,560 Speaker 1: and actually like the person you're doing therapy with. If 208 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:37,080 Speaker 1: you don't, you're more than likely not going to heal. 209 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 1: Go to the journey, meet your goals because you don't 210 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,000 Speaker 1: trust them, you don't like them, or you feel animosity 211 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,599 Speaker 1: from them towards you. So it has to be a 212 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 1: place where you can lay down your cape, get rid 213 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:52,000 Speaker 1: of your superpowers, just be human, just be a mess, 214 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,559 Speaker 1: go to a puddle on the floor, and know that 215 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: somebody is going to be there to help you put 216 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:02,720 Speaker 1: back the pieces. Yeah. I think what you just described 217 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,400 Speaker 1: therapy as like later on your cape going, that is 218 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 1: how I do therapy. Now. When I first started, like 219 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,240 Speaker 1: what you said about, wow, you were like groundbreaking all 220 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 1: the stuff. And it wasn't because I'm anything special. It 221 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,959 Speaker 1: was because I was literally so broken that I couldn't 222 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,320 Speaker 1: wear a cape anymore. And that's always been my experience 223 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:24,319 Speaker 1: in life, Like, Um, anytime I've gone to get help, 224 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 1: or any time I've really actually made changes in my life, 225 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:32,080 Speaker 1: it's just because I'm in so much pain I don't 226 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: know how to get out of it myself, or I 227 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 1: get so defeated and life falls apart enough to where 228 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,320 Speaker 1: I'm like help finally, you know. Um, But I don't 229 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,400 Speaker 1: think it has to look like that, Like do you 230 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,360 Speaker 1: think that what are the some of the consistent hang 231 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 1: ups you see people having even with going to therapy 232 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,600 Speaker 1: in general in the first place. Right, So one being 233 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: a Southerner as you are as well. Um, and I'm 234 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,839 Speaker 1: also a black person, right, So there's already this idea 235 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:04,840 Speaker 1: that you don't tell family, business, cannot let other people 236 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 1: know what's going on because they'll condemn you and they'll 237 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:13,160 Speaker 1: really think poorly of you or think poorly of your family. 238 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,839 Speaker 1: So you can't let other people know. So that's one thing. 239 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: The other thing is they just want to commit you. 240 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,520 Speaker 1: We don't like send the people at a hospital. Okay, 241 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: we don't want to do it. It's a bunch of paperwork. 242 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,640 Speaker 1: Our systems aren't necessarily the greatest, and sometimes it literally 243 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,960 Speaker 1: is our only option if we need to prevent you 244 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,840 Speaker 1: from harming yourself or harming someone else. And that's the 245 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,280 Speaker 1: other key. People are like, oh, I'm gonna tell you 246 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,520 Speaker 1: I'm suicidal and you're instantly gonna put me in an institution. 247 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 1: Not true, absolutely not true. But if you tell me 248 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,320 Speaker 1: you have a gun at home and you've been already 249 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: made out a plan to go out and kill your 250 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 1: baby mama, then I need to do some type of 251 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 1: intervention to make sure you don't hurt somebody. Right, So 252 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 1: We're not here just to put you in hospitals and 253 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: to lock you away. And that's another big taboos, Like 254 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,079 Speaker 1: I can't tell them this because it's going to put 255 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 1: into this plan and it's gonna follow me for the 256 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 1: rest of my life. Remember like the permanent record from school. 257 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna put this in your permanent record. Somebody please 258 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: show me my permanent record, Like I don't who has 259 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:14,040 Speaker 1: their permanent record? No one, But we're so scared it's 260 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: gonna tarnish us and follows around. And so sometimes diagnoses 261 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: can right, insurance companies can get ahold of them. Yes, 262 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 1: it can be considered a pre existing condition, sure, but 263 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,400 Speaker 1: for the most part not really. So people are often 264 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 1: afraid of being labeled as crazy or dysfunctional or that 265 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: they're not okay, and finding that out face to face 266 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 1: can be almost unbearable. Yeah, I mean there's two points 267 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,320 Speaker 1: I want to hit on there. I think the thing 268 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: you said where people might find out you're crazy because 269 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 1: you go to therapy, It's like the thing that has 270 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 1: been coming into my awareness then I was lately is 271 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 1: like how scary it is how many fucking crazy people 272 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 1: are running around this world without getting help, Like if 273 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: people are in therapy, I actually feel better about them 274 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,120 Speaker 1: because they're actually like addressing other crazy. Like we all 275 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 1: have crazy, but if you're not addressing it and you're 276 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: just out there living your life, you're scary to me 277 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:11,320 Speaker 1: at this point because the lack of awareness is what 278 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 1: is really scary, and then finding new tools to be 279 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: able to do something different like that. I don't want 280 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: people like that in my life anymore. I think that's 281 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: even um even a stigma attached to like the crazy, right, 282 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: So crazy it is even an ablest term at this 283 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 1: point because people only looked at you if you weren't normal, 284 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 1: you were mothered, and the other was quote unquote crazy. Instead, 285 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,480 Speaker 1: it's you're having a trauma response, right, this is a 286 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 1: d h D in action. Oh no, this is Asperger's okay, Right, 287 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:49,320 Speaker 1: So people have been labeled as just being different and 288 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 1: labeled as crazy, and it's like you've been living with 289 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 1: down some dramal your life and nobody really pointed it 290 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: out to you, Or you are surviving a sexual assault 291 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,080 Speaker 1: and trying to put life together as much as you 292 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 1: can and survive in the world that always feels threatening. 293 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 1: So yeah, people go around and I will say like 294 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 1: I said, I have the honor to sit with people 295 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,600 Speaker 1: through their stories. And some days it's an absolute joy. 296 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: It is an absolute pleasure to hear progress, to hear realizations, 297 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: to hear people let go of expectations. And some days 298 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: it's really fucking hard because people do horrible things to 299 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: other people. And sometimes I am the first person that 300 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: hears the stories of the most horrible thing that people 301 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 1: have experienced, and that is my privilege to hold those 302 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,200 Speaker 1: to say, you know what, you said it this one time, 303 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,120 Speaker 1: and I'm so proud of you, and we'll talk about 304 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: it more at your own pace. But we're starting to 305 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,000 Speaker 1: put it in your narrative. It's no longer something that 306 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 1: happened to some other person, your imaginary friend. Now we're 307 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,880 Speaker 1: starting to own our story and take our power back 308 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 1: from people who have heard. Yeah, and so that's part 309 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 1: of it. But absolutely, walking around people are walking around traumatized, 310 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:12,920 Speaker 1: and we're like, well, let's get married, let's have another baby, right, 311 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,520 Speaker 1: or we're gonna go buy this thing, or I'm gonna 312 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,560 Speaker 1: jump from this job to this job to this job. 313 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, this is your a d h 314 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: D functioning. Okay, let's talk about what this means for you. 315 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,359 Speaker 1: But they have no clue. It's just their coping mechanisms 316 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: that they've been using to survive their mental health, right 317 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,120 Speaker 1: or a lot of times, what I see or maybe 318 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: it's I'm noticing it a lot right now is jump 319 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: from relationship to relationship to relationship, and it's like without 320 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:42,120 Speaker 1: anything in between, you just keep repeating the same patterns, 321 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,639 Speaker 1: like I mean, I've finally exhausted myself a lot of 322 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,479 Speaker 1: my pattern Um. But it doesn't just change overnight, you know, 323 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: And you can't just start making new decisions because you say, hey, 324 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that anymore. Like that is 325 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: not how trauma works. It's not how programming works. Um. 326 00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,640 Speaker 1: Speaking of programming, I want to go back really quickly 327 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:03,119 Speaker 1: because you mentioned something being from the South, how hard 328 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,960 Speaker 1: the wiring goes to I need to protect the family. 329 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,320 Speaker 1: And I think that is something that we have to 330 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 1: keep talking about because it's like the subtle um programming. 331 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,359 Speaker 1: I can't think of a better word than that right now, 332 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:21,639 Speaker 1: that is still really active in our culture. And I 333 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,359 Speaker 1: mean I still live in the South and so I 334 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: experienced it all the time of just like, let's make 335 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,679 Speaker 1: sure the outsides look really pretty, but at home, something 336 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: totally different is happening. And it just makes me so 337 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 1: sad that we're still so hardwired to paint a pretty picture. 338 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,080 Speaker 1: What do you think is contributing the most to that? Well, 339 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:47,679 Speaker 1: so the South of it's it's it's whole own thing, right. 340 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: So with the Antebellum South, the racism, the Confederacy, the fatness, 341 00:18:55,359 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: the food, like the drawl, right, there is this idea 342 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:04,560 Speaker 1: of Southerners. Um, I will even say so I have 343 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: unless I'm really angry. You don't hear my Southern accent 344 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,960 Speaker 1: because when I moved up north, people thought I was dumb. 345 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 1: They literally thought I was stupid because I sounded step 346 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,160 Speaker 1: more Southern, and I'm like, well, this is strange. Everybody 347 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,480 Speaker 1: I know sounds like me where I'm from, right, But 348 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,439 Speaker 1: you know, we're all smart. So there is this like 349 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:28,280 Speaker 1: level of protection because Southerners do come under attack and 350 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,199 Speaker 1: and sometimes rightfully. So admittedly there are some some old 351 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,439 Speaker 1: things we need to let go of, but there there 352 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,400 Speaker 1: is this need to feel like I need to protect 353 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,800 Speaker 1: and I need to make sure that nobody else from 354 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,639 Speaker 1: the outside is violating us. So it's kind of that 355 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 1: thing where you can pick on your sibling, but other 356 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,840 Speaker 1: people can't pick on your sibling, right, And that's I 357 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 1: think one of those kind of Southern camaraderie things. I 358 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:54,200 Speaker 1: think for anybody who is marginalized, it's a thing where 359 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: we can talk about us you can't talk about us, right. 360 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: And so this whole idea of well Southern areas, you know, 361 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,240 Speaker 1: y'all don't really have it together. You all are so behind, 362 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: you're still like stuck in Antebellum times and all those things. 363 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: It becomes this weight that's not just who we are. 364 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,160 Speaker 1: That's your perspective of who we are. There's so much 365 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: more rich cultural pieces that you're missing, but I can't 366 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 1: show you those because you might also weaponize them against me. 367 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,359 Speaker 1: And so we see that with blackness, we see that 368 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,160 Speaker 1: with various types of faith, We see that with various 369 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 1: body sizes, We see that with different ways that we 370 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,800 Speaker 1: raise families. We see it with queerness. So it's you're 371 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,520 Speaker 1: not a part of our community, so we can't expose 372 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,440 Speaker 1: our secrets to you because now you're going to take 373 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:46,119 Speaker 1: that and use it against us. Yeah, man, that was 374 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,880 Speaker 1: a lot to that thought, right there is just has 375 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: my head paying in a lot of different directions, just 376 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: because I think that can go for anything, right, Like, 377 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: I know, in my last relationship, one of the things 378 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 1: that we were really bad at was taking information given 379 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 1: to us and then it triggering some sort of trauma 380 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,119 Speaker 1: response in the other person, and then using it against 381 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 1: the other person to make ourselves feel safe. And it's 382 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:21,239 Speaker 1: just such a deeply rooted pattern that I think of, uh, 383 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,760 Speaker 1: go across many different layers of our lives. And I 384 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 1: didn't think about it culturally like that. But that's a 385 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,359 Speaker 1: really interesting thought. Um, yeah, give me a lot to 386 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 1: think about. Anyway, when do you think, if you know, 387 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,680 Speaker 1: for the people listening, when would you suggest to people 388 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,159 Speaker 1: that therapy is a good option. I always think therapy 389 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 1: is a good option. I'm like, can everybody just be 390 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 1: in therapy? Right? If you know, you'd be surprised. So, like, 391 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 1: insurance doesn't pay for couples therapy at all? Why, um, 392 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,200 Speaker 1: it doesn't deem it as necessary. That's interesting. They'll say 393 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,359 Speaker 1: there's one person that typically needs therapy. Even for family therapy, 394 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: one person in the relationship, one person in the relationship 395 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,640 Speaker 1: ship has to be the sick one. Um And saying 396 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: for the family, one person has to be the sick one, 397 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,479 Speaker 1: and everybody else is coming together to help the sick one, right, 398 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,160 Speaker 1: And that's a lot of stigmatic carry stocks. Nobody wants 399 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,959 Speaker 1: to be the sick one, right. But that to be said, 400 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: I think that it is great. So I personally do 401 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,879 Speaker 1: like pre marital therapy. So if you're just dating, I 402 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,480 Speaker 1: have a whole assessment that I've been trained in that 403 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 1: gives you really cute graphs and things and talks about 404 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,040 Speaker 1: money and sex and family building and friendships and all 405 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,639 Speaker 1: of these different pieces and faith and how do you 406 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,560 Speaker 1: fit together and what your scale is, and so we 407 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,920 Speaker 1: can talk about all those different things. Um, for children 408 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,359 Speaker 1: who are feeling angsty and nervous, maybe we're just nervous 409 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:46,399 Speaker 1: a buck one in middle school. That's a great reason 410 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,840 Speaker 1: to start to talk to people about your stories. And 411 00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: the great thing is about therapy is the things that 412 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:56,000 Speaker 1: we practice in therapy. How to say things, um, communicating, 413 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,879 Speaker 1: putting up boundaries. All the things are things that people 414 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,320 Speaker 1: take and then they practice outside of me really with 415 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,879 Speaker 1: me an hour a week, maybe an hour every other week, 416 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,880 Speaker 1: but you're practicing in real time and be like dang doctor, 417 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,640 Speaker 1: like I failed that time and it work. I felt 418 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: right back in my same old patterns. Yeah, but that 419 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,960 Speaker 1: one time you get it right, you're like, this is 420 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,359 Speaker 1: what this feels like. I actually got off the phone 421 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: with my abusive mother within the first five minutes of 422 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 1: her starting to curse at me, and we're okay, Yes, 423 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 1: And I didn't lose two days of my life crying 424 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 1: because my mother is abusive and you had awareness of 425 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: when you didn't do it very well. Like, even that 426 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: to me is major progress and for a lot of 427 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 1: us when you can go, oh, that was not my best, 428 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: Like I didn't. I didn't learn a lot of those 429 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,480 Speaker 1: things until I started doing therapy of seeing where I 430 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,760 Speaker 1: was coming in with my own wounds and trauma and 431 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 1: reacting and even if it was pissing people off, I 432 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: couldn't see what I was bringing to the table. And 433 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,399 Speaker 1: I mean, I think we're constantly learning that throughout our 434 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,840 Speaker 1: whole lives. But but that's one of the benefits of therapy, right, 435 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,440 Speaker 1: is even knowing when you're doing something that's like, oh, yeah, 436 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,719 Speaker 1: there I go again doing that thing, like that's not 437 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,240 Speaker 1: who I want to be. Well, and it's also the 438 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,119 Speaker 1: detriment of ourselves. So one of my favorite phrases in 439 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:23,160 Speaker 1: therapy is self sacrifice does not equal goodness, all right, 440 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,480 Speaker 1: And that's what we're taught. We're taught that if you 441 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,960 Speaker 1: sacrifice your happiness, if you sacrifice your time, then you'll 442 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 1: be a better worker, or a better lover, or a 443 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:36,240 Speaker 1: better parent or a better daughter, when in actuality, you're 444 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: a bit miserable and now you're building resentment towards whatever, 445 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 1: towards that job, towards that lover, towards those kids, towards 446 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:50,520 Speaker 1: those parents, towards those friends. You're building resentment. Instead, you're 447 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 1: starting to minimize yourself. And so I think therapy also 448 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,920 Speaker 1: holds up a mirror to say, like, hey, you keep 449 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,879 Speaker 1: doing this thing. But I don't hear joy in it. 450 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 1: I don't hear a pleasure in it. I hear obligation, 451 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 1: I hear bitterness, I hear resentfulness. Why are we doing this? 452 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,880 Speaker 1: What was the point? Because I don't understand why we're 453 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: choosing to do this. And if you're okay with it, 454 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: you're okay with it. That's the fun thing about therapy. 455 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:21,280 Speaker 1: You get to name your issues. Yeah. I was just 456 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: thinking when you were saying that fear, that was the 457 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 1: first answer, that why are we doing this? Fear, like 458 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,879 Speaker 1: that's one of the biggest reasons I do most of 459 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,119 Speaker 1: the things I do. I also was thinking when you 460 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 1: were talking, um, it's really interesting and I don't know, 461 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 1: maybe this is like hashtag goals for school systems, but 462 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 1: when you were talking about, you know, a kid may 463 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: be nervous about going to middle school, and just like 464 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: I could hear I could hear a voice and I 465 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,359 Speaker 1: don't really know whose voice this is of just being like, 466 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: oh God, okay, so now we're going to therapy for everything, 467 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: you know, and like kind of this uh sarcastic, like 468 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: people are overusing therapy and it's like are we though, 469 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:03,159 Speaker 1: because ultimately we go to school for X amount of 470 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 1: years to get some sort of intelligence and learning on 471 00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,560 Speaker 1: these certain topics, But why are we not learning emotional intelligence? 472 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: Like I feel like we're walking around as a society 473 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:19,440 Speaker 1: so emotionally immature and unaware and lacking the intelligence of 474 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:24,000 Speaker 1: knowing how to exist in a relationship or um to 475 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,359 Speaker 1: navigate hard things in our lives. Like just because you 476 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:28,360 Speaker 1: go to therapy doesn't mean life is going to be easy, 477 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,480 Speaker 1: but it does give you tools to know how to 478 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:34,840 Speaker 1: navigate it in a healthier, more satisfying way. You know, 479 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,640 Speaker 1: why aren't we teaching that in school? Why is there 480 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,720 Speaker 1: not um an emotional intelligence like class for an hour 481 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 1: a day like everything else. Some some schools have it 482 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 1: like meditation hours or things like that. And the idea 483 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,280 Speaker 1: of like this every little thing, and the idea of 484 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:57,680 Speaker 1: what therapy is to help ground foundations. Okay, so one 485 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,639 Speaker 1: people know that there are safe places that exist, right, 486 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: So like this angsty middle schooler, so, okay, they feel 487 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 1: nervous going to middle school, fine, most kids do, but 488 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 1: now they're having trouble focusing because they're worried about not 489 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,360 Speaker 1: having a peer group, or now they're finding that they're 490 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,960 Speaker 1: bullying and they're being more mean to get attention, or 491 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,679 Speaker 1: there being more comedic in in class to be the 492 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,719 Speaker 1: class clown so they can be accepted. And now their 493 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,160 Speaker 1: grades are suffering. But this all became from that little 494 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,560 Speaker 1: bit of angst of going to middle school. Right, So 495 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 1: if we would have addressed that in the beginning, or 496 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:38,800 Speaker 1: this learning difference or this emotional processing difference, or this 497 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 1: potential a d D a d h D trauma response, 498 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:46,080 Speaker 1: whatever it was, if we address those, then ideally we 499 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:48,560 Speaker 1: can have somebody tune in and be like, oh, this 500 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,640 Speaker 1: is what I'm feeling right now. I feel my anxiety 501 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,680 Speaker 1: and my body because we also walk around very detached 502 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,200 Speaker 1: from our bodies, because we lived in a very sterile, 503 00:27:56,640 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 1: colonized society who taught us that bodies were bad. Right, 504 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,960 Speaker 1: Bodies are just this thing that how is your consciousness. 505 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: You're not supposed to feel pleasure from them. They're supposed 506 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,000 Speaker 1: to look good to other people. Maybe not necessarily Hue, 507 00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:11,359 Speaker 1: but to other people. You're supposed to be wanted but 508 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: for a certain body type. And then you're just supposed 509 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,720 Speaker 1: to like exist. We don't teach about a clitterist, we 510 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 1: don't teach about masturbation, we don't teach about actual pleasure 511 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 1: with another partner. We're just in these lumps of flesh 512 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: that you're supposed to keep rather thin, right, so you 513 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:31,480 Speaker 1: can quote quote be healthy, which we know thinness doesn't 514 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:36,240 Speaker 1: equal healthy. And you're supposed to walk around not feeling 515 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,120 Speaker 1: your feelings because those are dangerous and too much for people. 516 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:44,440 Speaker 1: Too much trigger, I'm triggered. Oh no, I'm just kidding. 517 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,760 Speaker 1: I wish that I was kidding fully, but that is 518 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 1: that is I'm a feeler, and so the too much 519 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: piece has been something I've faced my whole entire life, 520 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:59,800 Speaker 1: because feelings are very overwhelming to people, especially when they 521 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,840 Speaker 1: haven't had this experience that we're talking about or that, 522 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 1: or because it isn't taught how to deal. And I 523 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 1: probably didn't know how to navigate a lot of my 524 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,640 Speaker 1: feelings either. So it can go both ways. But these 525 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,680 Speaker 1: are the benefits of things like what we're talking about, 526 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,640 Speaker 1: therapy and starting young. I think that's like such a 527 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 1: thing to applaud these days, when people just find these 528 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,360 Speaker 1: tools and just know, like, yeah, there's a place I 529 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 1: can go. Like you said, well, it's I'm gonna blame capitalism. 530 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie big trash system right because it 531 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:33,520 Speaker 1: said work and produce. Yes, And that's what our parents 532 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: and our grandparents were taught. Work in produce. It doesn't 533 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: matter that you're tired, it doesn't matter that you're sad, 534 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:41,240 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter that your mom died. If you don't 535 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,480 Speaker 1: go to work and produce, you're not gonna have food 536 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:47,200 Speaker 1: to eat tomorrow. You're not gonna be able to feed 537 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: your family. And so they didn't know and they don't 538 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:54,960 Speaker 1: know how to do these things like oh, you're not hurt, 539 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,760 Speaker 1: get up dest off, like, no, that actually did hurt, 540 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 1: but that's pain. We should acknowledge pain, invalidate pain, and 541 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:06,680 Speaker 1: then try and sue it. But they didn't have time 542 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,400 Speaker 1: to do that, they didn't have resources to do that, 543 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 1: and so what they've known is no, you stuck up 544 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: your feelings and you keep doing what you're supposed to do. 545 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:19,080 Speaker 1: Nothing interrupts that productivity. And so now we've had generations 546 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:24,280 Speaker 1: are like, actually, that productivity is really toxic. Um. You've 547 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,640 Speaker 1: been pretty devoid of feelings until you met your grandkids maybe, 548 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 1: and now you get to know like, oh, hugs are nice, 549 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,360 Speaker 1: or you can talk about consent and bodies and that 550 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: actually it wasn't okay what happened to you when you 551 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,000 Speaker 1: were a teenager, right, So I think that kind of 552 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,400 Speaker 1: awakening that we're starting to see, especially with gen Z. 553 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:47,080 Speaker 1: Gen Z is doing it with these identities and their 554 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,960 Speaker 1: feelings and having their feelings validated. And I know a 555 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,479 Speaker 1: lot of people like, oh no, they're just big cry babies. 556 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,040 Speaker 1: That's what people call us Millennials. By the way, Millennials 557 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,719 Speaker 1: are like thirty five to forty five. Now, people, okay, 558 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:02,480 Speaker 1: we're not still eighteen. Were real or real adults. Okay, 559 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: but that's what they felt about us. But it was 560 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:10,080 Speaker 1: really starting the emotional awakening. I have more than just angry, sad, happy, 561 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: and okay feelings, and people didn't know what to do 562 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,680 Speaker 1: with that. You're nervous what you're nervous about? When need 563 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:18,200 Speaker 1: to check you in a clinic, like, what are you 564 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:21,080 Speaker 1: nervous about? You can't tell me. Why are you depressed? 565 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,480 Speaker 1: You have food, you have clothes, you don't need much else, 566 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:27,080 Speaker 1: why are you depressed? And so not understanding that these 567 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,680 Speaker 1: are things that are actually One, sometimes we don't choose right. 568 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: Sometimes brains just don't make the same chemicals that they 569 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 1: need to. But then two, we're also recovering from harm 570 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: and we need some help sometimes in that recovery. Yeah. 571 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 1: I love that word emotional awakening because I've been feeling 572 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,000 Speaker 1: something but I have not been able to label it. 573 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,080 Speaker 1: And I keep saying, maybe our culture is having a 574 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:54,640 Speaker 1: spiritual awakening, but it's a similar or very in line. 575 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,800 Speaker 1: You know, both of those things are very in line 576 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: with each other. And a lot of what I just 577 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,800 Speaker 1: heard reminded me of just the masculine energy we've been 578 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,000 Speaker 1: trying to lead with forever and it's like, where's this 579 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:08,960 Speaker 1: feminine energy that we all have within us too? And 580 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,200 Speaker 1: then feeling the flow of those feelings and letting them pass, 581 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,640 Speaker 1: and that to me is so healing. And I'm so 582 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,239 Speaker 1: glad that awareness is coming to our culture that you 583 00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:20,719 Speaker 1: can't just power through all the time. You can, but 584 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:23,479 Speaker 1: it is toxic, like you said, and it doesn't allow 585 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:28,160 Speaker 1: us to be the full humans and the loving humans 586 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,040 Speaker 1: and the kind humans and the empathetic humans that I 587 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:34,720 Speaker 1: do believe we can be. Absolutely And I will say 588 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 1: who said it all said it? The first victims of 589 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:43,280 Speaker 1: patriarchy or boys. I have been on this tear about 590 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:50,520 Speaker 1: this lately. It's upsetting me big time. There. Yes we 591 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:56,640 Speaker 1: are boy. Boys don't cry since when feelings and they're 592 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,960 Speaker 1: told to suck it up and be a man. But 593 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 1: a man is more than a bank account and what 594 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:06,000 Speaker 1: he can provide. A man has feelings, he has needs, 595 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,120 Speaker 1: and they are more than just tied to his pains. 596 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:10,600 Speaker 1: It's not just over you have sex with him, he'll 597 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,080 Speaker 1: be all right. No, it's that men have been taught 598 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,000 Speaker 1: that if you have sex with them that you love them. 599 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,960 Speaker 1: That's the only way they know how to deal now, right, 600 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:22,200 Speaker 1: which is trash trash behavior. Right, if you go to work, 601 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,800 Speaker 1: if they get your paycheck, and then if you like 602 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 1: have sex with them, a man is fully whole. Like 603 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:33,280 Speaker 1: what about when this man experiences grief and loss or fear? Right, 604 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 1: who does he get to talk to about that? Who 605 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:39,400 Speaker 1: does he get to not be a superhero around and 606 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 1: go into a Paula on the floor and not lose 607 00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: respect and not lose whatever authority that you've decided to 608 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:50,640 Speaker 1: give him or that he has. Right, when do we 609 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:54,920 Speaker 1: get to give men that space that you can be 610 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,520 Speaker 1: and you can be just as masculine and justice as 611 00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:02,080 Speaker 1: attractive and all those things and still feel your feels. 612 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,880 Speaker 1: It's not a feminine quality, it's a human quality. I 613 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,960 Speaker 1: love that. I mean I literally posted something today about 614 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:14,680 Speaker 1: fun boys and like, how I'm getting really frustrated in 615 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:18,320 Speaker 1: life because I still see a lot of these behaviors happening, 616 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:22,680 Speaker 1: and it's the disrespect in relationships and the selfishness. And 617 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:24,719 Speaker 1: this is how I view it. Let me just say, 618 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:28,560 Speaker 1: from my perspective, this is how it seems, um and 619 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:32,640 Speaker 1: then these behaviors being told to me as well, that's 620 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 1: just what guys do. Like I says that to me. 621 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,840 Speaker 1: I mean, it isn't gonna be nasty. But what I'm starring. 622 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,640 Speaker 1: I've been so mad at men for so long, and 623 00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,200 Speaker 1: what I've realized in the last couple of months is 624 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,600 Speaker 1: I'm not mad at men. I'm mad at this system 625 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,360 Speaker 1: and it's programming and like you said, the patriarchy, because 626 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: we have conditioned men to believe this in us. Thank 627 00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,760 Speaker 1: this is just the way guys do. It is still 628 00:34:56,840 --> 00:35:00,560 Speaker 1: doing that, and I don't want at anymore. Like so 629 00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: if they go through something hard, they're just reacting with 630 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: medicating and like, we gotta get we gotta do better, 631 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,800 Speaker 1: especially like if we want better from men as women, 632 00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:15,439 Speaker 1: like we gotta start as moms teaching young boys how 633 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:19,040 Speaker 1: to process feelings. Like that's on us too, I believe, 634 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:22,680 Speaker 1: And just the system in general being dissolved, it needs 635 00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:26,600 Speaker 1: to go. Well that and giving permission. Right, I'm gonna 636 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:31,919 Speaker 1: give permission for my lover to feel inadequate and that's okay. 637 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 1: Yeah I don't see you as inadequate. Yeah this was 638 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:39,160 Speaker 1: a failure. Yeah, this fucking sucks. What do you need? Right? 639 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,760 Speaker 1: If you need extra head? Fine, right, but how about 640 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:44,759 Speaker 1: we sit and you can just tell me everything and 641 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:46,319 Speaker 1: I'm not going to try and solve it for you. 642 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,520 Speaker 1: I'm not going to think of you any lesson. I'm 643 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,839 Speaker 1: going to express gratitude that you even wanted to share 644 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,280 Speaker 1: this with me. Yeah, I'm gonna be like, I really 645 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,799 Speaker 1: appreciate you opening up. I think I fell in love 646 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,359 Speaker 1: with my lover a little bit more. We've been together 647 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,840 Speaker 1: almost ten years now, and I knew that he really 648 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 1: cared for me because he called me during the work 649 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,719 Speaker 1: day and he rarely, he's not a phone talker some like. 650 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:08,880 Speaker 1: He called me, what's up? Something's up? And so my 651 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:11,560 Speaker 1: spidy since is tingled, and he let out this deep 652 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,640 Speaker 1: side and I'm like, hey, what's up. It's like two 653 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:15,799 Speaker 1: in the afternoon, so I know he's still at work, 654 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:18,799 Speaker 1: and he sighed, and he starts to tell me about 655 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:22,239 Speaker 1: this problem that he's having at work, a frustration, and 656 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,840 Speaker 1: I'm like, this is so intimate because he can definitely 657 00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 1: take care of this himself, but he wanted to talk 658 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,560 Speaker 1: to me about it. What a privilege, What a gift 659 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:35,120 Speaker 1: that he wants to be Like, I am just frustrated 660 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,440 Speaker 1: and I wanted to share it with somebody, and you 661 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 1: were the person I chose versus Oh, you're acting like 662 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,120 Speaker 1: a bit to go handle that, Like, no, right, thanks 663 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,520 Speaker 1: for telling me, babe, Like I can sit here and 664 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,440 Speaker 1: listen some more. Right, we can talk about ways to 665 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,400 Speaker 1: solve it. What would you like? And I asked for 666 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:56,560 Speaker 1: consent there to see what would be helpful for that person. 667 00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:59,880 Speaker 1: Or I'll see you later. Maybe I'll make a dinner 668 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,600 Speaker 1: for us tonight. You know we were dating at that time, 669 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,640 Speaker 1: so like whatever, but giving men permission to say you 670 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,920 Speaker 1: can be more than angry, you can be more than 671 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,760 Speaker 1: just Okay, I want to see you bust out, belly laugh, 672 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:16,080 Speaker 1: have all of the joy and not be considered gay. 673 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:20,239 Speaker 1: What does that look like for you? What tickles your fancy? Like, 674 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,440 Speaker 1: I don't want to know those things about you. If 675 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,719 Speaker 1: you don't know those things about you, let's go find 676 00:37:24,719 --> 00:37:37,600 Speaker 1: out together. Beautiful, Okay. So I have had some really 677 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:42,359 Speaker 1: bad therapy experiences. I very first, I think that this 678 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:45,400 Speaker 1: was my very first therapist. I was in a relationship 679 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:49,520 Speaker 1: with an addict and I brought some fears to her 680 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:54,319 Speaker 1: and she just dismissed me really quickly. And um, you know, 681 00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:58,440 Speaker 1: for many years, I really have struggled with trusting myself 682 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:02,799 Speaker 1: and so to have a feeling invalidated by a professional 683 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:05,800 Speaker 1: was one of the most traumatizing things for my journey 684 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:09,720 Speaker 1: at that time. Um. Luckily, since I have had life 685 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:13,920 Speaker 1: changing therapist and so I've had both ends of the spectrum, 686 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:20,240 Speaker 1: and I UM really really appreciate therapy for that reason. However, 687 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:23,400 Speaker 1: it makes me really sad that this can happen to people. 688 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:26,680 Speaker 1: And like, you know, luckily, for me, like I said, well, 689 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,720 Speaker 1: my life blew up, and so I decided to seek 690 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,680 Speaker 1: out other help. Um In knowing that this therapist was 691 00:38:33,719 --> 00:38:36,200 Speaker 1: actually wrong, it got validated to me that I was 692 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 1: right and what I was feeling was accurate. Um, And 693 00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:42,759 Speaker 1: so I kept going. But is there a way if 694 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:44,799 Speaker 1: you are just a person that's like, hey, I need 695 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:49,879 Speaker 1: help to navigate through this and find a really qualified, 696 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:52,399 Speaker 1: good therapist that you would recommend, Like, I just get 697 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:56,040 Speaker 1: really fearful that there's a lot of really bad therapists 698 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:57,839 Speaker 1: out there. And that's really scary to me because it's 699 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:02,200 Speaker 1: mental health is such a valuable and tricky thing to navigate. 700 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:06,040 Speaker 1: So do you have suggestions for people with that? Absolutely? 701 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 1: So one right, mental health folks are also humans. They 702 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,120 Speaker 1: call us the wounded healers because we have wounds ourselves 703 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,920 Speaker 1: and we kill other people. Um But just like any professor, 704 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:20,120 Speaker 1: there's bad plumbers out there, there's bad there's bad doctors. 705 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:23,520 Speaker 1: So we were ranged on a spectrum. And who's bad 706 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,000 Speaker 1: for you might not be bad for someone else. Um 707 00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:31,080 Speaker 1: So having an open disposition. Right. So, when you do 708 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 1: find a therapist, if you find like I don't agree 709 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,279 Speaker 1: with that, or I was really offended by that, you 710 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:38,360 Speaker 1: say that, tell your therapist that they're not going to 711 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:42,920 Speaker 1: write you up, like they can't suspend you. There's punishment, right, 712 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,000 Speaker 1: It's like I didn't appreciate that. This didn't jive well 713 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,200 Speaker 1: with me, right, and then you take their behavior and 714 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:52,960 Speaker 1: their behavior change as do you want to continue to 715 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:56,480 Speaker 1: see them or not. But in finding a therapist, talk 716 00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,520 Speaker 1: to your friends. Your friends either have friends or friends 717 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:03,240 Speaker 1: of friends that have been to therapy that are like, oh, 718 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,160 Speaker 1: they like this person, or they heard somebody on a podcast. 719 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:11,680 Speaker 1: Maybe they're like, I really like that person. The thing 720 00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:15,080 Speaker 1: is you have to work within your state. So typically 721 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,600 Speaker 1: therapists are licensed by state. Now, I love y'all, I 722 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:22,560 Speaker 1: love your audience. I am licensed in Pennsylvania in Missouri. 723 00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:25,480 Speaker 1: If you do not live in Pennsylvania or Missouri, and 724 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,879 Speaker 1: do not want like premarital stuff. I can't see you. 725 00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:32,799 Speaker 1: It is illegal. It is by licensing because we are 726 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,359 Speaker 1: beholden to our boards, so we have to make sure 727 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:38,800 Speaker 1: that we're meeting board standard. You do want somebody typically 728 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:42,160 Speaker 1: who is on their way to licensure or licensed already, 729 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,080 Speaker 1: because it means that they have to adhere to a 730 00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,839 Speaker 1: code of ethics or they can find us a quarter 731 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,880 Speaker 1: of a million dollars and or throw us in jail 732 00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:55,160 Speaker 1: if that person is not licensed, say for example, maybe 733 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:59,120 Speaker 1: they're just a life coach. Right, they have no bounds 734 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:03,799 Speaker 1: and rules necessarily, there there's no governing body for them. 735 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,799 Speaker 1: So there can be amazing life cultures. There can be 736 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:09,919 Speaker 1: amazing people who get certifications I guess, and who get 737 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,520 Speaker 1: like education. But just know that they are not therapists. 738 00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:16,960 Speaker 1: They're not the same. We are not the same. And 739 00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,560 Speaker 1: then you want to look for the type of therapist. 740 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:20,400 Speaker 1: Are you looking for somebody to help you with resources? 741 00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:23,160 Speaker 1: That might be a social worker and so not a 742 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,880 Speaker 1: clinical social worker, just a regular social worker. A clinical 743 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:29,080 Speaker 1: social worker can help you through the emotionality parts, walk 744 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:32,439 Speaker 1: with you on that journey. There's also counselors counselors do 745 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:34,920 Speaker 1: the same thing, and then there's license of marriage and 746 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,719 Speaker 1: family therapists, and so we are more so trained in systems, 747 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:42,239 Speaker 1: so I can still see individuals, but just know that 748 00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:45,439 Speaker 1: when I treat an individual, sometimes if we're talking about 749 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 1: a person, it's going to be like the other persons 750 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:51,600 Speaker 1: in the room, because we're gonna consider all aspects of 751 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:56,560 Speaker 1: that dynamic, not just one frame, even though we are 752 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:59,759 Speaker 1: on your side, but also we oftentimes I invite people 753 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:01,480 Speaker 1: into a therapy session, So I'm like, would your mom 754 00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,760 Speaker 1: like to come to a therapy session? Would your partner 755 00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:05,640 Speaker 1: like to come to a therapy session? Which you're sibling, 756 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:10,080 Speaker 1: let's talk about it. It's fine. So we're specifically trained 757 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:12,879 Speaker 1: in having like more than one person, So you want 758 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:15,560 Speaker 1: to find out who's going to be your fit um. 759 00:42:15,719 --> 00:42:17,840 Speaker 1: People of color tend to want other people of color. 760 00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,279 Speaker 1: It just drives a little bit easier, and there's a 761 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:23,600 Speaker 1: level of facade that's not there unless they're specifically working 762 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,719 Speaker 1: on issues with whiteness or trauma with whiteness. So being 763 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,480 Speaker 1: aware of what you want in a person. Do you 764 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:33,080 Speaker 1: want somebody who's brightened bubbly, Do you want somebody who 765 00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:35,680 Speaker 1: does media do you want somebody who doesn't? Do you 766 00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:39,680 Speaker 1: want the therapist therapist because that's the person too. Um 767 00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:40,960 Speaker 1: And last, but not least, you want to know if 768 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:44,560 Speaker 1: your therapist is having the supervision. So we can't do 769 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:48,400 Speaker 1: this work alone. It's oftentimes really hard just to carry 770 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,359 Speaker 1: a lot by ourselves, so we have supervisors, which are 771 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,200 Speaker 1: people who help us. So I'm having a hard time 772 00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:56,319 Speaker 1: with the case, there's a person I can talk to 773 00:42:56,719 --> 00:42:59,279 Speaker 1: and still keep it anonymous, but who will help me 774 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:02,279 Speaker 1: with guidance, whether those are colleagues or people who have 775 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:05,000 Speaker 1: been in the field longer than me. We typically pay 776 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:08,680 Speaker 1: for this service so that we actually get more education 777 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,479 Speaker 1: and knowledge and we're not just kind of stuck doing 778 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:15,160 Speaker 1: the same old, same old techniques. Something else I want 779 00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:18,440 Speaker 1: to mention. Um, I was talking to someone the other day, 780 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:20,440 Speaker 1: but I see a ce sad and that's because of 781 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,799 Speaker 1: different life experiences. But some people are like, like you said, 782 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:25,719 Speaker 1: you have a million letters behind your name, and like 783 00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:30,560 Speaker 1: when you google therapy, it's like, what are all these letters? 784 00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:33,799 Speaker 1: And so I always tell people and correct me if 785 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:35,480 Speaker 1: this is not a good way to say it, but 786 00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:38,240 Speaker 1: it's like, what is the exact issue that you really 787 00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:40,760 Speaker 1: want to start dealing with there usually is a therapist 788 00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:44,120 Speaker 1: who specialized in that, and so you know that's where 789 00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:47,040 Speaker 1: you can start. And so that was why this specific 790 00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:49,880 Speaker 1: therapist really has worked for me and where I started 791 00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:52,120 Speaker 1: in therapy, and she's been life changing, Like I said, 792 00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:54,920 Speaker 1: because I think you could sit in therapy for years 793 00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:57,600 Speaker 1: and just talk and talk and talk and be like, oh, yeah, 794 00:43:57,640 --> 00:43:59,880 Speaker 1: well I go to therapy, so this is this is 795 00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:03,040 Speaker 1: I'm doing it. And you can also just sit in 796 00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:05,719 Speaker 1: therapy and just pay a bunch of money and not 797 00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:09,920 Speaker 1: actually make any changes in your life. So it depends. 798 00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:12,040 Speaker 1: And again maybe that's a willingness piece, but do you 799 00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,080 Speaker 1: see that a lot where people are sitting in therapy 800 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,400 Speaker 1: and then the label of like well I got a 801 00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,520 Speaker 1: therapy or they use that verbiage and it's supposed to 802 00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:23,080 Speaker 1: like kind of excuse them from any sort of things 803 00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:27,799 Speaker 1: that happened in their life. Uh not in my circles. Yes, 804 00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:32,160 Speaker 1: And I will say part of my introductory spiels, if 805 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:35,160 Speaker 1: you don't feel like in a year you've made any 806 00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:40,319 Speaker 1: significant changes, I'm not the therapist for you, right. My 807 00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,880 Speaker 1: job is to help you move. If you're not moving, 808 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:47,239 Speaker 1: then one of us isn't doing our jobs? Not a 809 00:44:47,239 --> 00:44:50,680 Speaker 1: good fit? Um? And I recently, I really thought my 810 00:44:50,719 --> 00:44:52,720 Speaker 1: clients stayed with me for about eight to ten months, 811 00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:55,080 Speaker 1: and I'm really learning they actually, like most of them, 812 00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:58,240 Speaker 1: stayed with me for around two years. And I was like, okay, dang, 813 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,600 Speaker 1: it's okay. So two years we like, you know, do 814 00:45:00,719 --> 00:45:03,879 Speaker 1: work and go through whatever the goals are, and they 815 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:07,640 Speaker 1: change and they become sometimes periodic. But if you were 816 00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:12,240 Speaker 1: leaving your therapy sessions every time, happy go lucky, right, 817 00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:19,239 Speaker 1: something's amiss. Right? Offering the hard things amiss? Sometimes people 818 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:22,279 Speaker 1: leave my office crying. Okay with that, it's not a 819 00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:26,280 Speaker 1: polite conversation. You're not paying me to be your friend. 820 00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:29,160 Speaker 1: You're paying me to hold your accountable to this thing 821 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:32,279 Speaker 1: that you wanted to do, and to help navigate and 822 00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:34,640 Speaker 1: walk with you towards the goal that you say you wanted. 823 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,239 Speaker 1: That that changes, that's something different. But if this is 824 00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:40,399 Speaker 1: what you want and you're not working towards it, I'm 825 00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:42,520 Speaker 1: not going to do the work for you. It's not 826 00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:46,759 Speaker 1: my life. What about what just dawned on me when 827 00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:48,319 Speaker 1: you were saying that, because you said about eight to 828 00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:52,200 Speaker 1: ten months or two years, and I think another thing 829 00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:54,960 Speaker 1: that I experience with people as they're like, well, I've 830 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,600 Speaker 1: been going to therapy and it's like nothing is changing. 831 00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:59,560 Speaker 1: And it's like, well, how often are you going or 832 00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:01,840 Speaker 1: how long have you been doing it? And it's like, 833 00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:04,120 Speaker 1: well once a month and I've been doing it three months, 834 00:46:04,120 --> 00:46:07,520 Speaker 1: so why you know? And I'm like, okay, well, I 835 00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,600 Speaker 1: mean in my experience when I first started, like I said, 836 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,960 Speaker 1: I was really broken, but I was going once a week, 837 00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,319 Speaker 1: and if you know, d know, financially not everyone has 838 00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:18,800 Speaker 1: that luxury. But I didn't really either at that point, 839 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:21,640 Speaker 1: and I just cut out other ship because I needed 840 00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:25,920 Speaker 1: the therapy so bad. Um. But it also like it 841 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:28,279 Speaker 1: took me a certain point in then my therapists like, okay, cool, 842 00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,880 Speaker 1: now you're ready for an intensive and I was like Jesus, 843 00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:33,880 Speaker 1: you know, it's like there's other layers to uncover and 844 00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,120 Speaker 1: you have to kind of go through this process and 845 00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:39,920 Speaker 1: it's not anything that changes overnight. Like my therapist, it's like, 846 00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:42,160 Speaker 1: now I'm thirty nine, so she would say, well, it 847 00:46:42,200 --> 00:46:44,359 Speaker 1: took you thirty nine years to learn this behavior. You're 848 00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:46,480 Speaker 1: not going to unlearn it in a month, you know. 849 00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,960 Speaker 1: So it's like, what does the process look like and 850 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:52,799 Speaker 1: do you have a recommendation to someone starting therapy as 851 00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:56,920 Speaker 1: to like the frequency of like going if they actually 852 00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,640 Speaker 1: want real change in their life. So that is a 853 00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:03,200 Speaker 1: great question. A lot of people question it. So once 854 00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:06,880 Speaker 1: a week is typical for most folks. I see people 855 00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:10,120 Speaker 1: mostly in my practice once every two weeks one because 856 00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,239 Speaker 1: I don't take insurance, so it can be really expensive. 857 00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:16,680 Speaker 1: But too again, I see mostly lovers, so they need 858 00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:19,560 Speaker 1: time either for things to come up and for them 859 00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:23,239 Speaker 1: to practice new skills, or they need time because they 860 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:26,799 Speaker 1: need to talk amongst themselves and continue to process. And 861 00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:31,400 Speaker 1: sometimes you know, again busy capitalism. A week just isn't enough. 862 00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:35,279 Speaker 1: And so I see people either once a week or 863 00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:40,120 Speaker 1: once every two weeks. When you are feeling more balanced 864 00:47:40,239 --> 00:47:44,920 Speaker 1: and grounded and able to use coping mechanisms in real time. 865 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:48,399 Speaker 1: So maybe this thing doesn't affect you for three days, 866 00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,480 Speaker 1: Maybe it only affects you for one. Maybe you're feeling 867 00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:53,680 Speaker 1: good and you're like, I feel like I've reached my goals. 868 00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,479 Speaker 1: Then we can tie tright down so that once a month. 869 00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:58,120 Speaker 1: And so what I usually do is I take tright 870 00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:01,200 Speaker 1: down to once a month for three months. If you're 871 00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,439 Speaker 1: still good at the end of those three months without 872 00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:06,000 Speaker 1: having like major breaks or needing a session in between, 873 00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:08,680 Speaker 1: then I think you're ready to not have therapy with 874 00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:12,120 Speaker 1: me anymore. You can fly the coop. You have been 875 00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:13,719 Speaker 1: able to do those. But I would say once a 876 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:17,560 Speaker 1: week or once bi weekly at minimum, Like, if you're 877 00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:20,080 Speaker 1: not going at least two times a month, you're not 878 00:48:20,160 --> 00:48:31,279 Speaker 1: doing enough to get the work done. And when I 879 00:48:31,320 --> 00:48:34,160 Speaker 1: say I was going once a week, that's not forever. 880 00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:36,719 Speaker 1: It's like that's what I had to do there after 881 00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:40,560 Speaker 1: a major trauma in my life, and it was very active, 882 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:43,960 Speaker 1: like I needed that. There was enough that came up 883 00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:47,600 Speaker 1: every week that I needed that guidance. And then now 884 00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:50,440 Speaker 1: I mean, after over a decade of therapy, it's more 885 00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:52,360 Speaker 1: of like I call my therapist when I need a 886 00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:54,560 Speaker 1: tune up or if I'm going through something again, I 887 00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:57,319 Speaker 1: need a little more attention. And it's not such a 888 00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:01,400 Speaker 1: consistent thing. But um so so people should understand, like 889 00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:03,319 Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be forever that you're going to 890 00:49:03,360 --> 00:49:06,719 Speaker 1: therapy for a week, but if you need that, like 891 00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:09,440 Speaker 1: and like I said, if you have learned to behavior 892 00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:11,239 Speaker 1: for a certain amount of time, it isn't going to 893 00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:13,880 Speaker 1: change overnight. You have to put in the legwork in 894 00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,879 Speaker 1: the time and know that it's a process and not 895 00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:18,759 Speaker 1: just like map your fingers thing, and it's going to 896 00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,880 Speaker 1: be different. It's also based on risk, right, what do 897 00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:26,960 Speaker 1: you mean People who might um, let's say minor attractive persons, 898 00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:30,440 Speaker 1: probably need to check in the therapist every week, depending 899 00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:32,279 Speaker 1: on their urges, depending on what they want to do, 900 00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:35,279 Speaker 1: depending that they can put somebody in danger. Yes, that 901 00:49:35,440 --> 00:49:37,360 Speaker 1: is not somebody who just goes months and months and 902 00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:40,680 Speaker 1: months without checking in with people, totally right, They go 903 00:49:40,760 --> 00:49:45,520 Speaker 1: once a week. People who have severe manic or severe depression, right, 904 00:49:45,600 --> 00:49:50,719 Speaker 1: So mania being out of control, very grandiose, over spending, 905 00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:56,080 Speaker 1: not sleeping, over indulging, over eating or under eating, things 906 00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:58,960 Speaker 1: like that might go once a week. So severe mental 907 00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:02,239 Speaker 1: health people who are here voices they're seeing things they 908 00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:04,319 Speaker 1: would need to go once a week and maybe for 909 00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:07,279 Speaker 1: their life until maybe their meds are adjusted, until they 910 00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:10,440 Speaker 1: are very very stable. Right, So those people do go 911 00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:13,680 Speaker 1: once a week. Sometimes, people who have disordered eating once 912 00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:16,080 Speaker 1: a week because it is every week that they need 913 00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:19,560 Speaker 1: some checking in, some grounding and some checks and balances, 914 00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:22,319 Speaker 1: and so that makes a lot of sense. People who 915 00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:26,239 Speaker 1: are able to cope with their anxiety or cope with 916 00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:29,400 Speaker 1: their depression without talking to somebody once a week. And 917 00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:32,319 Speaker 1: they're like, I'm okay, I'm not feeling suicidal right now. 918 00:50:32,719 --> 00:50:35,520 Speaker 1: I'm not feeling like I'm gonna hurt somebody else. I 919 00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:38,600 Speaker 1: am okay with surviving the abuse that I've been through. 920 00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,040 Speaker 1: They might be able to go once every two weeks, right, 921 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,320 Speaker 1: and that's okay. None of us are Glinda the good Witch. 922 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:46,279 Speaker 1: None of us wave the magic wand to just make 923 00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:49,640 Speaker 1: you okay. You could, it would be lovely, it would be, 924 00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:54,319 Speaker 1: but we don't have that power. But you, I think 925 00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:58,800 Speaker 1: every person has the capacity for self healing, and probably 926 00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:01,520 Speaker 1: I agree, And it probably also depends on the other 927 00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:03,480 Speaker 1: things you're doing. Like I do twelve step work too, 928 00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:08,120 Speaker 1: and so you know, in including therapy and my twelve 929 00:51:08,120 --> 00:51:10,439 Speaker 1: step work, it's like they both work for each other. 930 00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:12,839 Speaker 1: And I can go to meetings however, made they're free, 931 00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:15,160 Speaker 1: so you know, I'm going to meetings all the time, um, 932 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,640 Speaker 1: and but then like to amp things up and and 933 00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:21,719 Speaker 1: personally do some serious individual work sometimes I need to 934 00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:24,440 Speaker 1: talk to my therapists. So anyway, I think it's all 935 00:51:24,440 --> 00:51:26,960 Speaker 1: different for each program, but I do love that people 936 00:51:28,200 --> 00:51:30,239 Speaker 1: have the information of like it's just not going to 937 00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:32,640 Speaker 1: happen overnight, and don't give up on it, like keep 938 00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:35,279 Speaker 1: fighting the good fight and like knowing that it's just 939 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:39,120 Speaker 1: a process and just keep going. Um, since you do 940 00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:41,680 Speaker 1: so much couples work, something that's really interesting to me 941 00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:45,719 Speaker 1: is when do you do couples work and when do 942 00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:49,919 Speaker 1: you do individual work? And what parameters should we put 943 00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:54,040 Speaker 1: around that to even know where to start. So typically 944 00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:58,400 Speaker 1: your couple of therapists is not your individual therapists, right. UM, 945 00:51:58,440 --> 00:52:01,600 Speaker 1: I have had and because I'm trained this way, so 946 00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:03,960 Speaker 1: I can see couples, and so sometimes I have my 947 00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:07,839 Speaker 1: couples alternate or throubles or quads or whatever they are. 948 00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:12,160 Speaker 1: So sometimes I'll see one person one time, another person 949 00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,960 Speaker 1: another time, and then they'll meet together the third time 950 00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:18,280 Speaker 1: and we'll alternate like that, because sometimes it might feel 951 00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:21,520 Speaker 1: like one person is the center of therapy because they 952 00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,600 Speaker 1: just have that much more going on and it's doing 953 00:52:24,680 --> 00:52:27,879 Speaker 1: that much more of an impact through their relationship. So 954 00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:30,839 Speaker 1: that's typically fine. What you don't want is I've met 955 00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:34,240 Speaker 1: with this person six seven times and now their partner 956 00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:37,560 Speaker 1: is coming in to do couples therapy because you're already biased. 957 00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:39,560 Speaker 1: You're already biased to the person that you've built a 958 00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:42,480 Speaker 1: rapport with, and it's really hard to be a stranger 959 00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:45,560 Speaker 1: coming into that system saying well, you've already been friendly 960 00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:48,400 Speaker 1: friendly with them, or doctor Les prescribed homework that I 961 00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:51,600 Speaker 1: didn't like, and now I'm mad at her because she 962 00:52:51,719 --> 00:52:53,840 Speaker 1: made us take steps off the table for two weeks 963 00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:57,120 Speaker 1: and I'm coming and tell her peace of my mind 964 00:52:57,320 --> 00:53:00,360 Speaker 1: versus trying to bond and build report that doesn't really work. 965 00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:02,840 Speaker 1: So we look at the individual issues and then we 966 00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:05,480 Speaker 1: look at the couple's issues, but how those issues are 967 00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:08,760 Speaker 1: actually impacting the relationship. Because my job is a couple's 968 00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:12,000 Speaker 1: therapists take care of the relationship between two people. I 969 00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:15,040 Speaker 1: don't take care of each person individually. I say, this 970 00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:18,759 Speaker 1: is harmful to the bond between you. This is how 971 00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:20,880 Speaker 1: you're harming the bond. And this is how you're harming 972 00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:25,120 Speaker 1: the bond. How do we not harm the bond? Because 973 00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:29,920 Speaker 1: the bond is actually my client, so do you? And 974 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,640 Speaker 1: people are in couples therapy, how important is it that 975 00:53:32,680 --> 00:53:36,360 Speaker 1: they're working their own individual therapy or program or whatever 976 00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:39,239 Speaker 1: it is too um so on a scale to one 977 00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:43,319 Speaker 1: to ten, depending on the severity. Right, Let's say you 978 00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:47,520 Speaker 1: have personal trauma that is really impacting the relationship. You 979 00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:50,719 Speaker 1: need to go work on that. Right. If we have 980 00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:54,200 Speaker 1: things that we learned in our family of origin that 981 00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:57,280 Speaker 1: are impacting our relationships, we can work on that together 982 00:53:57,320 --> 00:53:59,879 Speaker 1: as a unit. So I would say it's the love 983 00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:02,520 Speaker 1: goal again, one to ten. I would say, usually like 984 00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:07,440 Speaker 1: a board was six for individuals, right, So you can 985 00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:09,400 Speaker 1: take it or leave it because oftentimes you're going to 986 00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:14,480 Speaker 1: get spiels of what you need. But if you're noticing, like, oh, 987 00:54:14,560 --> 00:54:18,920 Speaker 1: this is really impacting me and impacting us, then that's 988 00:54:18,920 --> 00:54:21,000 Speaker 1: when you need to go ahead and take it to individuals. 989 00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:23,839 Speaker 1: And sometimes we can work in tandem, like we side 990 00:54:23,880 --> 00:54:26,880 Speaker 1: a release form. I can talk to your individual therapist, 991 00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,400 Speaker 1: they can talk to me. You can tell me what 992 00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:31,399 Speaker 1: boundaries you're like, I don't want to talk about this. 993 00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:34,800 Speaker 1: I'm like okay, And then we can get more information 994 00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:36,640 Speaker 1: and we can work together as a team, like, hey, 995 00:54:36,680 --> 00:54:39,600 Speaker 1: we're working on this goal over here. Oh well that 996 00:54:39,719 --> 00:54:42,840 Speaker 1: is very antithetical to the goal. We're working on revamp 997 00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:46,040 Speaker 1: like us or everybody's on the same page. So it's 998 00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:48,799 Speaker 1: great to have open communication between professionals. So you can 999 00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:53,239 Speaker 1: have a care team. Yeah, what do you? I love 1000 00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:56,520 Speaker 1: all of that, And I think this is so educational 1001 00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:59,359 Speaker 1: for people. Just I think it's like we have this 1002 00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:02,400 Speaker 1: thing of fear, especially when we don't know what to expect. 1003 00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:03,880 Speaker 1: So I kind of that's what I wanted to do 1004 00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:07,520 Speaker 1: here is give some people some expectations around what therapy 1005 00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:09,920 Speaker 1: can look like, what it can do. And so I 1006 00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:12,600 Speaker 1: want to end with asking you what is the greatest 1007 00:55:12,680 --> 00:55:18,280 Speaker 1: reward that you see in your clients walking away from therapy, 1008 00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:21,759 Speaker 1: Like what the benefits of therapy in their life that 1009 00:55:21,800 --> 00:55:33,040 Speaker 1: gives you the most pleasure? Oh that's um big question. UM. 1010 00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:39,600 Speaker 1: I would say the increased capacity to build intimacy with others. 1011 00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:44,640 Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, so people who didn't trust people before, 1012 00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:50,719 Speaker 1: who had been significantly harmed. UM. Couples who experienced what 1013 00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:56,799 Speaker 1: we call like either trauma bonds or attachment injuries. UM. 1014 00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:59,640 Speaker 1: Years a year later, I'll see that they're still married 1015 00:55:59,640 --> 00:56:04,600 Speaker 1: and there's sending me a baby announcement or UM. Recently 1016 00:56:04,640 --> 00:56:06,279 Speaker 1: from one couple, I just got a picture of her 1017 00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:10,319 Speaker 1: baby that was so exciting, Or I get a marriage announcement, 1018 00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:14,680 Speaker 1: or in write an invitation to an engagement because they've decided, 1019 00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:17,440 Speaker 1: after you know, our work of a year and some 1020 00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,879 Speaker 1: months together where they were on the brink of breaking up, 1021 00:56:20,400 --> 00:56:24,560 Speaker 1: that they want to be together forever. I got an email, 1022 00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:27,080 Speaker 1: you know, an Instagram message from somebody I saw ten 1023 00:56:27,160 --> 00:56:30,600 Speaker 1: years ago who were like, I still think of the 1024 00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:33,120 Speaker 1: words you say and it has made my relationship better. 1025 00:56:34,280 --> 00:56:39,279 Speaker 1: So I'm just I am honored that I when my 1026 00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:41,919 Speaker 1: voice gets a little bit internalized to my client's heads, 1027 00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:46,080 Speaker 1: but then too that they're able to navigate this world 1028 00:56:46,239 --> 00:56:50,279 Speaker 1: and sees the joy that comes with being able to 1029 00:56:50,280 --> 00:56:54,120 Speaker 1: share vulnerability with others. I think that is like the 1030 00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:57,319 Speaker 1: number one joy that I get from this work. I 1031 00:56:57,480 --> 00:56:59,799 Speaker 1: love that, Dr Lex, thank you for being here. This 1032 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:03,160 Speaker 1: was exactly what I wanted to bring, so I so 1033 00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:06,120 Speaker 1: appreciate you doing that, and I hope that our listeners 1034 00:57:06,160 --> 00:57:09,080 Speaker 1: do to tell people where they can find you. So 1035 00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:12,480 Speaker 1: you can find me at lex Ellie double x sex 1036 00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:16,880 Speaker 1: sc x doc doesn't dr d oc dot com. And 1037 00:57:16,920 --> 00:57:19,760 Speaker 1: then I'm lex x doc across all social media forums. 1038 00:57:19,760 --> 00:57:24,240 Speaker 1: So there's an Instagram, a Twitter, a TikTok, and Facebook. 1039 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:26,440 Speaker 1: So you've got it all. So you guys go check 1040 00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:31,320 Speaker 1: out Dr Lex. You do offer workshops and other educational 1041 00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:34,280 Speaker 1: resources as well, so it's not just therapy. So if 1042 00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:37,919 Speaker 1: you guys do identify with any of the specific things 1043 00:57:37,920 --> 00:57:40,400 Speaker 1: that Dr Lex says she's works on, check out her website, 1044 00:57:40,480 --> 00:57:43,000 Speaker 1: check out her socials. I do think they can bring 1045 00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:47,240 Speaker 1: you some more educational information. Thank you so much again, 1046 00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:50,800 Speaker 1: and thank you guys for listening. Thank you thanks for 1047 00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:53,840 Speaker 1: listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, where 1048 00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:56,760 Speaker 1: we believe everyone has a little velvet and a little edge. 1049 00:57:57,000 --> 00:58:01,320 Speaker 1: Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. 1050 00:58:01,560 --> 00:58:07,320 Speaker 1: Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts. H m 1051 00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:07,680 Speaker 1: hm