WEBVTT - TERRI COLE: Ultimate boundary BOSS talks breaking over-functioning lifestyles and the liberating powers of boundaries! 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:17.400 Caroline. She's queen and talking song. She's getting not afraid 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:21.439 of thing, So just let flow. No one can with 0:00:21.680 --> 0:00:29.480 cry Caralin. This sounds Carol. So I this is a 0:00:29.480 --> 0:00:33.360 really special day for me because I have had this 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:37.360 amazing opportunity in my life to meet a lot of people, 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:40.280 to learn from a lot of people. I am in 0:00:40.520 --> 0:00:46.120 a very um healthy community with people who are also 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:52.360 like growing and very inspired people. But I was I've 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:57.639 been last year. Twenty twenty two was the year that 0:00:57.720 --> 0:01:01.480 I did so much girl going and shed so many 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:04.640 old stories and broke so broke through so many blocks 0:01:04.640 --> 0:01:07.280 that have been holding me back from my entire forty 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:12.279 years of life. And I just committed to self growth 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:16.600 last year. I committed to learning. I committed to finding teachers. 0:01:16.880 --> 0:01:19.400 I committed to like having guidance. And so I ended 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:22.120 up signing up for Kathy Heller's Mastermind, who's one of 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:28.440 your friends, And she had a retreat in California, And 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:33.160 you came to that retreat and you had a conversation. 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:36.640 This is probably just your everyday conversation that you have 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:39.880 with the meeting of the minds, the minds that you 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:43.679 meet with. This is probably your regular conversation. But you 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:50.640 had a conversation with Kathy about boundaries, and you explained them, 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:53.840 and you gave examples, and you broke them down into 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:58.400 words that I could understand. And I literally at the 0:01:58.440 --> 0:02:01.280 beginning of two I have always struggled with feeling like 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:04.000 not enough and worthless, and that's been like a huge, 0:02:04.640 --> 0:02:07.720 my my like thing that I struggle with. And so 0:02:08.680 --> 0:02:10.800 I was like, I'm I have a daughter who's three, 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:13.160 and I was like, I have a great platform. I 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:16.079 have amazing ways to shine lights. I was like light 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:18.800 to the world, and I'm like, I have to get 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.320 myself right, like I have to get I have to 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:23.799 figure out what it is. And I couldn't figure out 0:02:23.800 --> 0:02:26.440 what it is. And I've been in therapy for years. 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:29.079 I had done every kind of therapy you can imagine. 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:32.280 I know there's something that I need to rewire, but 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:37.359 I just could never figure it out until you that 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:42.320 conversation that you had about boundaries. I felt after you 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:44.520 were talking and daring you were talking, I was like 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:47.639 having a full body like like not not like it's 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:49.960 just like it was going through my body so intensely. 0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:51.200 I was like, oh my god, Oh my god, Oh 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:53.400 my god. Oh my God, like it clicks so much. 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:55.960 I felt like the man with the iron mask. I 0:02:55.960 --> 0:02:57.600 felt like I had had an iron mask on my 0:02:57.680 --> 0:03:00.440 head for forty years, and now all of a sudden, 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:02.119 I got a key and I could take the whole 0:03:02.160 --> 0:03:04.760 thing off, and I was like, my whole world, I'm 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:08.480 not only a people pleaser, and like I have, I 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:10.320 thought I had all these boundaries because I have done 0:03:10.360 --> 0:03:13.240 great things. I can trust my gut, but i've but 0:03:13.800 --> 0:03:17.920 I have wanted the entire world to co sign that 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:19.840 I'm worthy and that they loved me and that they 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:22.959 approve of me, not just like certain people, the entire world, 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:25.880 harry everyone that I meet. That's why I got an 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:27.800 entertainment Instagram, like you love me? Do you love me? 0:03:27.960 --> 0:03:30.440 I can read a room like nobody's business. I'm an impact. 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:32.200 I can do all these things, and so I would 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:35.080 just use them to make sure I was doing things 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:36.840 to make people love me so they could see me. 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:40.480 And it was exhausting and I was like breaking. And 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:42.720 it's not that I didn't genuinely feel these things about people, 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:44.720 but I was using it also so they could love 0:03:44.760 --> 0:03:50.280 me back. Right, And you changed my life, like you 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:54.640 changed my life Jerry, I am not kidding, like change 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:57.400 my life. I've had some huge life moments and you 0:03:57.800 --> 0:04:02.760 single handedly changed my life. Well that is some testimonial, sister, 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:07.840 and really really really really warms my heart to hear, honestly, like, 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:12.800 it's amazing how you can do exactly what you did. This. 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:17.360 It's a shift. And maybe you heard those things before, 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:21.240 maybe you heard them in different scenarios. But when the 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:25.839 student is ready, the right teacher appears. We have lots 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:28.440 of teachers along the way, but it was like you 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:32.560 being ready to make those changes that allowed you. I 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:35.640 believe to see that conversation as the key to the 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:39.120 iron mask that you could then take off. And isn't 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:46.480 it better? I felt? After that conversation, I had lunched 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:49.159 with another one of the girls in the Mastermind. He's 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:53.200 like a great mom wellness expert and like has a 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:56.000 book about mothering and she's just really wise and she's 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:57.760 about ten years older than me and I just so 0:04:57.960 --> 0:04:59.680 there at lunch and I couldn't speak. I was like, 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:03.120 I I don't know how to like process what just happened, 0:05:03.160 --> 0:05:06.280 like this, what this what this codependency was taking up 0:05:06.279 --> 0:05:09.320 in my space in my brain was probably like eight 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:11.880 percent of the energy I have in my brain. And 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:14.159 so it's like, all of a sudden, I have all 0:05:14.240 --> 0:05:16.919 of this space that just opened up because I realized 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:20.119 I have created little, tiny constructs in every single area 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:23.359 of my life with every person I meet with, every 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:25.880 person that I am in community with, and who's in 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:28.320 my life, even my daughter. I'm I was I'm a 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:34.240 codependent with like I literally figure out what people need 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:37.000 from me to get a response that makes me feel loved, 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:39.320 and then I just continually give that and give that 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:41.760 and give that. And I'm so fired up to be 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:44.920 in your presence. I literally realized I have created tiny 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:47.720 little ecosystems for everyone that I know and love, and 0:05:47.720 --> 0:05:50.200 I've placed this in roles, and I like, have I 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:52.799 signed roles to what everyone's supposed to play. So I 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:55.640 have to uphold this little movie that I've made that's 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:57.800 not real, and no one else is playing in it 0:05:57.920 --> 0:06:01.400 or in it but me, and I can just actually 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:05.040 stop all of it and just be myself and let 0:06:05.080 --> 0:06:08.000 everyone else just be themselves. And I don't have to 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:10.960 save anyone. I don't have to turn a conversation a 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:13.280 certain way to make sure someone feels a certain way, 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:16.039 or I can just go in with my pure aligned 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:20.160 heart and let the freaking cookie crumble. For however, it's 0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:22.720 gonna crumble with everyone in that room without me and 0:06:22.839 --> 0:06:27.039 visibly trying to hold everyone together in this little net 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:31.480 that I have. It's like drop it like it. I 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:34.280 can't describe you the freedom that came after that conversation. 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:38.800 It's so amazing. And what you're describing, this is what 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:43.440 I experience over and over and over again with the 0:06:43.480 --> 0:06:46.400 women in my practice, in my mastermind and my courses, 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:49.920 in people who listen to my podcast, people who read 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:54.760 the book Boundarybuss where they're it's almost like this profound 0:06:54.839 --> 0:07:01.520 epiphany that we didn't know we had a choice. I 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:04.039 didn't even know it was happening. That was the thing 0:07:04.080 --> 0:07:07.200 that was so baffling, is I knew there was something 0:07:07.240 --> 0:07:09.279 wrong with me, not like a negative way, but I 0:07:09.320 --> 0:07:11.080 knew I had a block, Like I knew there was 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:13.960 a big block because I had done enough work. I've 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:17.320 lived enough life. I've surrounded myself with incredible minds and 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:21.680 thinkers like yourself. I believe in higher thinking. I know 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:24.000 these things. So I'm like, why am I still feeling 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:27.760 so worthless? Like, this is not all adding up. There's 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:30.880 something going on in here that I cannot figure out. 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:35.840 And you, the Queen figured it, just dropped it on 0:07:35.880 --> 0:07:38.520 me and I was like, Wow, that's it, that is it. 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:40.640 And I told myself I was going to find out 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:44.120 what this was. By the end of turning fort in July, 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:46.480 I was like, I am figuring this out. I'm not 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:49.480 going into a new decade with this old ship. Like, 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:52.000 I'm not doing it. So I just started going towards 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:54.680 all the teachers that were coming in my life and 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:59.160 I was led straight too. That's unbelievable. So how can 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:03.280 we share some of this goodness with your people? Oh? Man? Okay, 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:06.120 So where is the notebook that I took? Hold on, 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:09.080 let me grab this notebook just one second. Sure, I 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:13.520 took a note things that you were saying in this 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:16.520 interview that you did, and I'm just gonna read some 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:18.600 of them because they like blew my mind, and then 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:21.880 maybe we can break down some of your essential just 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:24.440 like enlightened people who have never even realized, like myself, 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:28.080 who had no idea that they were codependent, like literally 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:30.680 had no idea, just maybe some quick ways to like 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.040 turn on the light bulb like, oh, you may be 0:08:33.160 --> 0:08:37.320 codependent if you do this. So you said this, You 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:43.640 said codependency is being overly invested in feeling states, outcomes, 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:48.440 circumstances of people in my life, to my detriment, high 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:52.679 functioning codependency doing all the things. This is me just 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.160 quietly in my head. I'm just mentally doing all the things, 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:57.360 not really physically. I'm just mentally doing all the things, 0:08:57.800 --> 0:09:00.319 doing all the things for all the people and make 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.160 it look easy. Your baseline is you, it's your bid 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:07.280 for control of the outcomes, not having and this is 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:09.760 this is so true. This is like a reality check 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:14.440 not having the emotional courage to allow the chips to 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:18.440 fall where they may, like, let the people be who 0:09:18.480 --> 0:09:21.160 they want to be, and then me step in and 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:24.280 support to the best of my ability. But like, it's 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:26.720 not my job to walk a tight rope to try 0:09:26.760 --> 0:09:30.160 to keep everyone from falling. Like everyone is on their 0:09:30.160 --> 0:09:33.840 own journey. Yes, it's also the part of the thing 0:09:33.880 --> 0:09:35.880 with it if we back it up a little bit, 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:39.480 because I feel like there's a lot of missing information 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:44.160 out there and misunderstandings about boundaries and about codependency and there, 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:50.600 and they are just intricately connected. So according to me, 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:55.600 what are your boundaries, your preferences, your limits, your deal breakers. 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:59.600 So I think that right there, there's confusion. People think 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:02.040 there's a at midst about boundaries. People think, if you 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:04.240 have good boundaries, you're saying no all the time, you're 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:07.600 a bit, you're rejecting people, you're starting fights, you're none 0:10:07.600 --> 0:10:10.440 of that is accurate. What it means is that it's 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:14.040 your own personal rules of engagement, letting other people know 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:17.120 what's okay with you and what's not okay with you. 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:22.640 So again, boundaries comprised of your preferences, your limits, and 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:24.720 your deal breakers. And these are the things we have 0:10:24.760 --> 0:10:28.360 to communicate to people. And when we don't is when 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:31.679 we end up feeling so resentful. Um feel like other 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:34.600 people are really entitled that we feel put out. We 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:39.920 feel we're exhausted right because we're bleeding bandwidth endlessly because 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.079 people don't know. So instead of us being able to 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:44.679 say someone says, hey, you want to come help me move, 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:46.960 like for the fourth time in two years, you know, 0:10:47.440 --> 0:10:51.240 And instead of you being able to go, actually, I'm 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:54.560 not available on Saturday. Good luck. I'll send you guys 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:56.400 some lunch or whatever. It is you would like to 0:10:56.440 --> 0:11:00.280 do for your friend who moves a lot. Instead, we 0:11:00.320 --> 0:11:04.320 get so pissed about how is Betty so entitled that 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:06.880 she would ask me to help her move? Again, I've 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:08.880 done more than my share, I've helped her more than 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:11.320 most of our other friends. Blah blah blah. We create 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:13.720 all of these narratives in these stories and these why 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:19.959 Betty isn't jerk now as opposed to simply saying I'm 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:23.560 unavailable to help you move. That's it. You don't need 0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:26.439 to write a dissertation while you're unavailable. You don't need 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:29.680 to be right or wrong about being unavailable. You're just 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:33.280 sucking unavailable, And that is okay. When we do that, 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:36.440 all of that spinning out and that tripping out, and 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:39.640 that worrying about what Betty is thinking and doing, about 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:42.800 making Betty wrong for asking right, that's what we need 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:47.880 to do because we're so uncomfortable and simply asserting the 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:51.480 boundary that says I'm not available to help her move 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:53.680 because I don't come want to. I love her and 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:58.080 there are other people. You don't even have to be busy, right, literally, 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:00.880 you might just go no, I have done it. I 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:04.000 don't want to So that's boundaries. Now let's move this 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:09.240 into codependency. As you said from your notes. According to me, 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:13.920 codependency is being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:18.280 the decisions, that relationships of the people in our lives, 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:22.720 to the detriment of our own internal peace or maybe 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:25.440 our financial well being. Right, we're so invested in that 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:28.319 person not failing, we're giving them money, We're or our 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:32.559 emotional well being or our spiritual well being. In some 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:37.200 way it is detrimental to us, meaning we're not just 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:40.680 invested like normal people. Of course, we're invested in the 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:42.800 people we love. We want them to be happy. Obviously, 0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:46.600 this is called being in healthy relationships. But when we're 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:54.080 overly invested, we feel overly responsible for their feelings, their situation, 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:59.320 their decision, their relationships, their circumstances. In a way, this 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:03.240 is where the dysfunction comes in. And what is that 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:09.120 comprised of? What does that mean? That means codependency is 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:13.520 built on disordered boundaries. Right, we are stepping over boundaries 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:17.520 all the time, feeling overly responsible, not realizing that we 0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:22.200 are trampling on the sovereignty of other people because we 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:28.000 are compulsively doing what we're doing. We're not mindfully choosing 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:30.960 what we're doing. We're not meditating on what we should 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:34.200 do and then doing it. We are just jumping into 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:37.800 action because we're fear driven. There's a million reasons. So 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:42.160 with high functioning codependency, which is the topic of my 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:43.880 next book, which will come out in a year and 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:48.760 a half from now, why that why that topic? Why 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:54.400 did I create basically a new definition? Because if I 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:57.560 were just talking to you, you know, Caroline, if I 0:13:57.600 --> 0:14:01.520 was just talking to you about codependency and dependent and 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:05.240 enabling behaviors, you would not see yourself there. You'd be 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:08.800 like dependent, What I'm doing all the things for all 0:14:08.840 --> 0:14:14.560 the people. Yeah, I'm kicking depended, I'm opposite. Yeah, I'm 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:17.439 doing it all. I'm I'm doing TV things and I'm 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:19.840 doing this, I'm doing that. I've got these things that 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:23.080 I'm doing for other people. You wouldn't identify with it, 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:27.960 but your pain and suffering that you were experiencing before 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:33.040 Kathy Heller and I have that conversation that was directly 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:37.480 related to being a high functioning codependent. So one of 0:14:37.480 --> 0:14:41.040 the major differences between regular codependency that we know about 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:48.000 and high functioning codependency is the level of competence. You 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:52.960 are an incredibly capable person. The women in particular who 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:58.360 were attracted to my work are that. So we make 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:01.280 it look easy. So No and is double checking in 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:03.840 on you to be like, yeah, I wonder how you're doing. 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:07.520 I wonder how she is. They're like, she's confined. It's 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:10.680 like everything in my orbit and life is going to 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:15.280 be functioning well. Like I'm not gonna let it drop exactly. 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:17.000 That's how I feel I relate to you. It's like, 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:19.200 if you're happening in my life and I'm responsible, you're 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:21.480 in my in my sphere, I'm gonna hold you up. 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:26.320 I'm gonna keep you held. But at what cost? And 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:28.640 that's what we were really talking about, Kathy and I 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:33.280 were really talking about, is understanding that functioning at that 0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:37.440 level and in that way has a cost, not just 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.200 your health, not just your bandwidth, not to just your brain, 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:42.880 It has a cost to your relationships because when you 0:15:42.920 --> 0:15:47.440 really think about it, high functioning or regular as codependency 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:54.200 is a covert or overt bid to control someone else's outcome. 0:15:57.680 --> 0:15:59.720 You said this too, which stopped me in my tracks. 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:02.400 It follow what you're saying because you actually thought this 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:05.080 and said it. But you said this, and this is me. 0:16:05.320 --> 0:16:07.200 This is so me, And I'm so cool, calm and 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:09.600 collected and casual about it too, Like I'm actually pretty 0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:13.600 secret about how controlling I am. Like if you meet me, 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:16.960 I'm like all love and light and chill and I'm 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:20.120 like loving to like uplift and you know, I look 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:23.760 through easy breezy. But here is the truth of the 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:28.360 centure of me, which is what makes you think you 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:32.320 know what lessons every person needs to learn. You are 0:16:32.440 --> 0:16:36.400 actually blocking the person from experiencing what that person needs 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:39.560 to experience. I what So, what I'm really doing is 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:43.880 inserting myself in the middle of others lives because I 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.640 think and this is the ego like check like whoa, 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:51.560 because it's true. I think that I know better for 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.800 everyone what they need to learn. And I was like, WHOA, 0:16:55.520 --> 0:17:02.000 I do think that. That's why we're you know, now 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:07.800 recovering high functioning codependence. Where the awareness here's the key 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:11.719 that you talked about before having this realization, this is 0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:16.960 now this You cannot There is no unringing that realization 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:21.920 bell that you had in that moment. None. You will 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:25.439 never go back to having those experiences being in the 0:17:25.480 --> 0:17:27.280 basement of your mind, as I like to call it, 0:17:27.320 --> 0:17:30.679 which is your unconscious mind. We all have these processes 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:33.720 that are going on unconsciously. But what we did together 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:37.040 in that meeting is I put on a little miner's 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:40.040 lamp on my head, I grabbed your hand, and we 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:42.920 walked down the stairs to the basement of your mind, 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.240 and we opened up a bunch of dusty ask boxes 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:48.399 and brought that ship to the main part of the house, 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:50.760 which is where we can turn the lights on and 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:55.120 open the windows and go, Okay, wow, this is what 0:17:55.160 --> 0:18:01.840 I'm actually doing. Let me have compassion for myself. Let 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:05.119 me not shame myself and make myself feel bad about 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:07.880 I mean, listen, when I realized this in my late twenties, 0:18:08.720 --> 0:18:12.879 I was embarrassed. I was humiliated. I was ashamed. I 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:15.159 was like, oh my god. I totally thought I was 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:18.520 like mother Theresa, and now I realized I'm like just 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:21.080 a control freak, and it was really all about me 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:25.680 being uncomfortable because that person's life is a freaking dumpster fire, 0:18:26.080 --> 0:18:29.399 and that dumpster fire is really fucking with my internal peace. 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:32.440 That's what was going on. Oh my God, how you're 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:34.520 giving and you're giving and you're giving, and you're pouring 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:36.359 yourself out there and you're doing all these things and 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:38.480 you're really trying to be helpful and you're trying to 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:40.320 give great advice and you're trying to show up and 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:42.639 you're trying to be like, you'll get it. This is 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:45.080 the one I'm gonna hold your hand. But it's like, no, no, 0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:50.679 you are trying to control that person's life and what 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:54.080 they're in and what they're learning and their their moment, 0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:57.200 whatever season they're in, that's their lesson, and you pray 0:18:57.240 --> 0:19:00.480 it comes on the other side. But it's like, how 0:19:00.520 --> 0:19:04.119 could we think we know what's best? Well, but we do, 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:06.439 and and so many of us do. I'm writing a 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:09.640 fan book about it, like it is such a pandemic 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:13.719 speaking of that I saw in I mean, I've been 0:19:13.760 --> 0:19:18.919 a psychotherapist for twenty five years and I've seen tens 0:19:18.920 --> 0:19:22.879 of thousands of women in particular suffering from this, and 0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:26.120 it didn't make sense the whole Just talking about codependency 0:19:26.160 --> 0:19:28.440 didn't make sense because everyone thought I was talking about 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:31.640 you must be involved with an addict. It's all about 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:35.719 enabling behavior. It is so much more complicated than that, 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:41.800 and it is so much more pervasive than that. It's 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:45.680 not just about romantic relationships or enabling your parents who's 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:49.480 an alcoholic to keep drinking. No, no, and yeah, those 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.160 things fall under codependency too, But what we're talking about 0:19:52.320 --> 0:19:56.400 is a completely different animal that is really born out 0:19:56.440 --> 0:20:03.200 of the time in history that we live as women, 0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:06.000 especially in the United States or in the Northeast, or 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:09.560 in any sort of developed country where it started in 0:20:09.600 --> 0:20:12.920 the seventies, only in the seventies, late sixties, early seventies, 0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:16.800 where women allowed to be more than a nurse, a teacher, 0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:20.520 or secretary allowed to be. So of course the mindset 0:20:20.640 --> 0:20:22.879 is programmed and been passed down, and this is why 0:20:22.960 --> 0:20:26.560 we're the first ones that are starting to de program right, 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:30.760 and and to feel like we're gonna now, oh my god, 0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:33.760 we're going to college, we're getting master's degrees, where we 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:39.120 are creating empires, careers on TV, changing lives, doing all 0:20:39.160 --> 0:20:43.479 of this stuff. And nobody was like, oh, now I'm 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:46.159 going to pick up the slack at home, right, So 0:20:46.280 --> 0:20:50.280 this whole superwoman thing that came about, right was like, 0:20:50.600 --> 0:20:53.080 I don't want them to take away my ability to 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:57.920 be a doctor, a lawyer of frigging you know, Supreme 0:20:57.920 --> 0:21:00.640 Court justice. Like I don't want that. So I don't 0:21:00.680 --> 0:21:02.720 want there to be any problems. I want to the 0:21:02.720 --> 0:21:05.200 the house is running great, the kids are on track 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:07.600 to go to ivy leagues or whatever whatever it is 0:21:07.640 --> 0:21:11.920 that matters, because like it was so it was held 0:21:12.040 --> 0:21:14.640 so it was like a carrot dangling and like if 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:17.439 you do anything wrong, you're gonna lose it. You have 0:21:17.520 --> 0:21:21.280 to be perfect. Yes, So it's not like it came 0:21:21.320 --> 0:21:25.040 out of nowhere. To a degree that my generation and 0:21:25.080 --> 0:21:27.760 the generations younger than me and the generations one older 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:31.280 than me, I have this feeling that we must do 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:36.560 it all. So high functioning codependency has been bred through 0:21:36.680 --> 0:21:40.840 the cultural changes that have happened, which is why it's 0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:45.040 like now it's exploding in this way of doing more 0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:51.040 emotional labor. How exhausted women are and how exhausted we feel, 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:53.840 and how it's so hard to rest, it's so hard 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:56.320 to ask for help, it's so hard to you know, 0:21:56.359 --> 0:21:58.280 it's like we just feel like it's got to be me. 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:02.720 I gotta be doing it all. Thinking about how even 0:22:02.880 --> 0:22:05.760 in my twenties and I'm in my fifties. Now it's like, 0:22:06.160 --> 0:22:08.320 how you know, I'd be going to Europe or wherever 0:22:08.440 --> 0:22:11.720 and the cab driver pulls up and I can't even 0:22:11.760 --> 0:22:14.560 let the guy put my freaking luggage in the trunk. 0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:16.520 He's like, I'm getting out. I'm like, I got it, 0:22:17.520 --> 0:22:19.359 opening the thing, lifting the thing up and throwing and 0:22:19.359 --> 0:22:24.960 I'm like there was so much habituated behavior and hyper 0:22:25.040 --> 0:22:30.520 independence that comes along with this experience where maybe we 0:22:30.560 --> 0:22:34.600 don't want to owe anybody ship that's possible, Maybe we 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:38.480 don't want to burden others because how much of the 0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:40.479 time when you're a high function and codependants, so much 0:22:40.520 --> 0:22:45.719 of the time we're sort of expert listeners and auto fixers. Right, 0:22:45.720 --> 0:22:47.280 You're gonna tell me your problem, and I'm going to 0:22:47.400 --> 0:22:51.560 have your solution. Most of the time f I with 0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:54.360 my clients and my own experience, people are like, well, 0:22:54.400 --> 0:22:58.679 how are you You're that great? Fine? Fine? Like I'm fine, 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:01.240 I don't know, I don't whatever advice you're going to 0:23:01.280 --> 0:23:03.640 give a problem I gonna take anyway. But it's it's 0:23:03.680 --> 0:23:06.919 sort of not wanting the focus in that way to 0:23:07.000 --> 0:23:10.720 be on us because we're kind of take charge type 0:23:10.720 --> 0:23:13.400 of people and we want to be in the position 0:23:13.400 --> 0:23:17.400 that we're comfortable being in. But the cost to your relationships. 0:23:18.040 --> 0:23:19.800 And I think that this is something that is not 0:23:19.920 --> 0:23:25.359 talked about often, is that you're in the centering of 0:23:25.400 --> 0:23:29.280 ourselves inadvertently, right Like I didn't. I wasn't some purposefully 0:23:29.320 --> 0:23:31.119 doing that, and I know you weren't either, right, I mean, 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.119 and nobody listening to this if you identify as a 0:23:34.160 --> 0:23:39.840 high functioning codependent, there's no do not, there's no shape. Right. 0:23:39.880 --> 0:23:42.160 We're just taking this ship from the basement of your 0:23:42.160 --> 0:23:44.520 mind and bringing into the main part of the house 0:23:45.040 --> 0:23:49.399