Speaker 1: You know, when you grow up, you realize that all
Speaker 1: the adults in your family are just big ass kids
Speaker 1: more or less. And I've realized that the folks that
Speaker 1: I once had on some sort of pedestal as a
Speaker 1: child off. But Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our
Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: As is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: Ass starts right now. This is not even really so
Speaker 1: much of the story time, but it's more like a revelation.
Speaker 1: I'll take a revelation today. I'm choosing not to out
Speaker 1: people in my family, but throughout my life. You grow
Speaker 1: up and you realize that there's certain people that like
Speaker 1: stay away from the family, and the family tends to
Speaker 1: make that person seem like they are the problems. Until
Speaker 1: you become an adult and you start to just look
Speaker 1: around reading the room. Well you look at you look
Speaker 1: at your parents, you look at your grandparents, look at
Speaker 1: your uncle's. You start to say, you know what, that
Speaker 1: ain't crazy. You know what I'm saying? Like that that
Speaker 1: that that that that person right there ain't crazy, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And out of out of respect
Speaker 1: for my family and people's privacy, I'm not gonna say
Speaker 1: name and stuff like that. But growing up, especially being
Speaker 1: in the church environment, you start to see people leave
Speaker 1: the church, and they always made it seem like that
Speaker 1: person was cast out of the church and it's no
Speaker 1: longer accepted into the church family. Until you becoming right
Speaker 1: and you and you start to realize, like, aha, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, that person left on their own
Speaker 1: free will. And you start to look at the people
Speaker 1: around you that you grew up admiring and like you said,
Speaker 1: put on the pedestal, and you start to ask questions,
Speaker 1: what is going on aroun on here? Let's talk about it.
Speaker 1: I don't mess with you. You're stupid bitch. That's how
Speaker 1: people be feeling dinner with families though, every time they
Speaker 1: see a family member and they in their mind that's
Speaker 1: what they'd be thinking with facts, right, that's what people
Speaker 1: we want to say. They're walk into the house with Thanksgiving,
Speaker 1: what's upbounds everybody? They see that person. Stupid as bit you,
Speaker 1: But I gotta deal with you for the next two
Speaker 1: or three hours. Let me get this real talk. That
Speaker 1: was a great karaoke song because I know people we
Speaker 1: had their family reunions and they feel the events and
Speaker 1: just that's that's going times. Man, it just is what
Speaker 1: it is. And I didn't want to go, yeah, we
Speaker 1: don't know kind of volga for someone we had the
Speaker 1: little eve. When you see our podcast, you know we're
Speaker 1: gonna drop a little cuss where and again we're trying
Speaker 1: to cut back, though. We're trying to cut back because
Speaker 1: our kids gonna listen to this at some point. I
Speaker 1: don't want them to be like, oh that note, Let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break and then we're gonna come back
Speaker 1: with them meat at the show. So yeah, back the
Speaker 1: story of time. I want to say that I can
Speaker 1: relate to you in that and going back to my
Speaker 1: sound bite, Um, it's just crazy. As a child, you
Speaker 1: you look up to and you admire certain individuals around you,
Speaker 1: and some of them are are you know, family aunt's uncles.
Speaker 1: Some of them are what you call like your play family.
Speaker 1: You know, that cousin or that extended friend um of
Speaker 1: the family that you call aunt or uncle because you
Speaker 1: know they've been around and stuff. Um. But you start
Speaker 1: to realize as you get older that people are human
Speaker 1: beings first and foremost, and one thing human beings are
Speaker 1: gonna do is be human. And it's then up to
Speaker 1: you to kind of decipher whether or not this is
Speaker 1: somebody you want to continue to engage with. Now, I
Speaker 1: was raised to respect my elders, regardless of who the
Speaker 1: person is, um, what capacity there in the family or
Speaker 1: around the family, regardless of that capacity. That's the way
Speaker 1: I was always raised UM. And that's something that I
Speaker 1: still continue to practice to this day, even in my
Speaker 1: old age, because it's something that again I feel like
Speaker 1: my mom or dad might knock me upside my head
Speaker 1: for if I were to disrespect, you know, outrightly as
Speaker 1: someone who was older than me. However, I've now become
Speaker 1: a part of a school where I feel like people
Speaker 1: need to be held accountable for their actions. And I
Speaker 1: also feel like I'm adult enough to make the decision
Speaker 1: to remove myself from interaction or engagement with someone who
Speaker 1: I feel like does not UM, someone who is not
Speaker 1: contributing healthily to my growth a person or individual, or
Speaker 1: to the growth and health of other people around who
Speaker 1: I may love. UM. So that being said, although it's
Speaker 1: very much against probably the way I was raised, I
Speaker 1: feel like it's in my best interests to decide who
Speaker 1: I continue to engage with and in what capacity. You know,
Speaker 1: we're not our grandparents generation anymore. We don't believe that
Speaker 1: silence serves us anymore. And we grew up being told
Speaker 1: to respect your elders without really being allowed to expect
Speaker 1: that respect to be mutual. E Can we talk about
Speaker 1: that a little bit though, Yeah, the whole respecting your
Speaker 1: elders things. UM. Even when I was a kid, I
Speaker 1: always kind of felt like, you don't just get respect
Speaker 1: because you're an elder. People don't agree with that. People
Speaker 1: don't agree with that, But I know some old people
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And I've learned in my
Speaker 1: life that, Um, it doesn't matter how old you are,
Speaker 1: you are never too old to get cut off. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, because I'm not even the thing
Speaker 1: where you need to get disrespected, because I'm not even
Speaker 1: for that no disrespect. You're not getting anything from me.
Speaker 1: It's the not getting any energy at all. And what
Speaker 1: used to bother me, especially in my house, is my
Speaker 1: mom would be like, call someone so, or go give
Speaker 1: someone so well hug or did you speak to someone so?
Speaker 1: And growing up early in my childhood, I used to
Speaker 1: fall in line with calling someone so. But as I
Speaker 1: became an adult and even though my mom said did
Speaker 1: you call someone so, I'd be like no, like straight no,
Speaker 1: like no, I'm not calling someone so. Someone so was
Speaker 1: an asshole, you know what I'm saying, Like like, and
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not doing that to my kids.
Speaker 1: From young right, my mom used to do the same
Speaker 1: thing to like, oh did you call this person? Did
Speaker 1: you call that person? And I think her mindset was
Speaker 1: that these are your family mercy, yes, and you want
Speaker 1: to have a relationship or she wanted us to have
Speaker 1: a relationship with said family member, but she also wanted
Speaker 1: it to be a thing whereas we continue to grow
Speaker 1: over the years and you need support for something, or
Speaker 1: you needed help with something, or you needed that person
Speaker 1: as a resource, that you're just not waiting until you
Speaker 1: need something to call someone. Absolutely, so that was her mindset.
Speaker 1: She was like, you know, I just don't want it
Speaker 1: to be a thing where you guys just out of
Speaker 1: the clear boo, I have to call somebody in this
Speaker 1: Because you want something, you should have a relationship where
Speaker 1: you feel confordable about asking for it or ask obscore
Speaker 1: a resource or asking for a referral because you have
Speaker 1: a relationship with that person. But this is what this
Speaker 1: is what I challenged that I thought right growing up
Speaker 1: in my house it was your child. You should reach
Speaker 1: out and call soon. So that person is a grown
Speaker 1: ass adult, they should be utilizing their emotional maturity to
Speaker 1: build a relationship with me as a child. It doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be one way. You know, you're an adult
Speaker 1: and you want to have a relationship with a child,
Speaker 1: you should reach out to that person and talk to them.
Speaker 1: But more and more often than that, adults often take
Speaker 1: advantage of children, especially in the family environment, because they
Speaker 1: know people will listen to me more than they listened
Speaker 1: to the child. And that's scary for children. And that's
Speaker 1: a lot a lot of times while even back in
Speaker 1: the day, children didn't speak about the traumas and the
Speaker 1: abuse that they went through because it's like, no one's
Speaker 1: gonna believe me that person is an adult. You understand
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And if you look at history, that's
Speaker 1: part of the reason why the vast majority of the
Speaker 1: world today is so broken and filled with so much hurt,
Speaker 1: because all of these people were once children who were
Speaker 1: being hurt, who no one wanted to listen to. I'm
Speaker 1: not willing to do that with my children, No, I completely,
Speaker 1: I completely agree with you that this happened, um, you know,
Speaker 1: along with some family lines of mine, you know, a
Speaker 1: little distant, but still um the fact where these you know,
Speaker 1: instances had happened between children and adults, and the children
Speaker 1: were not listen to, you know, and then once these
Speaker 1: children now were adults and decided to out said family
Speaker 1: member or decided that, you know what, I'm not working
Speaker 1: with this family member no more. It's almost like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, how dare you ruffle these feathers or they
Speaker 1: they they they take offense to the way it's it's
Speaker 1: put out there. So some people they want to express
Speaker 1: themselves on social media, for example, and they want to
Speaker 1: out that family member that way. Or they may wait
Speaker 1: till there's a family event and they want to turn
Speaker 1: up at a family event and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm leaving this event because this person is here and
Speaker 1: this happens to me when I was younger. And um,
Speaker 1: then again, that child who is now the adult is
Speaker 1: still being shunned in a sense. Um, So where does
Speaker 1: it ever end? You know, where does it ever end? So? Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're taught that blood is thicker than water, and but
Speaker 1: you can't choose who shares your blood. The obligations sometimes
Speaker 1: in bold family members to treat you. Um. And how
Speaker 1: many times have we had that person that comes by
Speaker 1: and it's just like, oh, such and such has to
Speaker 1: come by because their family good and well and nother
Speaker 1: body want them to be there, you know. Um, So
Speaker 1: at what points do we decide enough is enough? When
Speaker 1: do we decide that that blood is not think enough
Speaker 1: of a reason to stay in these toxic relationships? So
Speaker 1: two thousand and fifteen U studies showed that more than
Speaker 1: forty of individuals had experienced family estrangement at one point
Speaker 1: in their life. I figured it would have been higher.
Speaker 1: There's other people that come people off and they didn't
Speaker 1: even know they were cut off. Um. The historian UH
Speaker 1: Stephen Mints, the author of Rux's raft, A History of
Speaker 1: American Childhood, did I say sorry? Huck's raft um a
Speaker 1: History of American Childhood, made a similar observation in an
Speaker 1: email that said, families in the past fought over tangible
Speaker 1: resources like land, inheritance, um, family property, and they still do.
Speaker 1: But this is all but all this is aggravated and
Speaker 1: intensified by the mindset that does seem to be distinctive
Speaker 1: of our time. Our conflicts are often psychological rather than material,
Speaker 1: and therefore even harder to resolve. So we fighting over
Speaker 1: land or whatnot. We're fighting over people's behaviors, feelings and feelings.
Speaker 1: This is one thing that you uhould trip me out
Speaker 1: about adults. You would be trying to express yourself as
Speaker 1: a child. And I hated hearing this. You are a child?
Speaker 1: What does that mean I don't have feelings or you
Speaker 1: get to just say or do whatever you want to
Speaker 1: say to me or do to me because I'm a child.
Speaker 1: I used to hate that, even with my my my parents,
Speaker 1: You say that to me about your child? Your child?
Speaker 1: What does that mean? I mean, I don't have an opinion.
Speaker 1: That means that when you say stuff to me, if
Speaker 1: it hurts my feelings, I'm not supposed to express it
Speaker 1: at all. And I used to get in such big trouble.
Speaker 1: I can see how that's a big issue for you,
Speaker 1: as expressive as you are now. Do you think that's
Speaker 1: in part because do you think that you're you over
Speaker 1: could not I want to say overcommunicate, but you're as
Speaker 1: willing to communicate and express your feelings now because it's
Speaker 1: something that you had to suppress as a child. Or
Speaker 1: do you feel like you've always been that person that
Speaker 1: wanted to just express how you felt, but you had
Speaker 1: to be silence in a sense as a child. This
Speaker 1: this is a moment where I'm going to imploy up
Speaker 1: my parents because my mom always expressed me, always empowered
Speaker 1: me to express myself, right, so did my father. Won't
Speaker 1: you say how you feel? The only time it became
Speaker 1: an issue was when I expressed things that they did
Speaker 1: not agree with. It wasn't in line with what they
Speaker 1: were trying to do. Then it was your attitude things.
Speaker 1: So to me, it was like, you empowered me to
Speaker 1: express myself as long as I agree with everything you say.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, so then it became right right.
Speaker 1: So then they became a thing well, and even my
Speaker 1: father used to go back and forth. I said, so
Speaker 1: the minute I don't agree with what you believe, I
Speaker 1: don't have a voice in the house anymore. And then
Speaker 1: what used to happen was because my parents empowered me.
Speaker 1: I had aunt and uncles who were also disciplinarians, and
Speaker 1: if I did not agree with their form of discipline
Speaker 1: or what they were trying to discipline me about, I
Speaker 1: used to speak on it. And I remember hearing them
Speaker 1: say to my parents, you know the problems you let
Speaker 1: him talk too much because he used to allow aunt
Speaker 1: and uncles to discipline you in a certain yes, yes,
Speaker 1: and as I think most people do. My family, and
Speaker 1: that did not spare the rod like Nia's got. They asked,
Speaker 1: whooped like country down South South, you know South Carolina
Speaker 1: Baptist parenting. Was you spoiled? You spare the rod? You
Speaker 1: spoil the child? You know my grandmother, I asked her
Speaker 1: when I was a little bit older, like, yeo, why
Speaker 1: did you hit us so much? And her mindset was
Speaker 1: that she grew up in a time. She grew up
Speaker 1: in Orangeburg, South Carolina, in the twenties, thirties, forties, and
Speaker 1: you you didn't survive if you didn't stay in line.
Speaker 1: This was during the time and what we're talking about
Speaker 1: before Jim Crow South during UM, like right after reconstruction,
Speaker 1: right after the Great Depression, where black people were murdered
Speaker 1: for looking at what white people in the wrong way.
Speaker 1: You know, little black girls were raped for for showing
Speaker 1: eye contact with an older white male or even older
Speaker 1: black male. So for her, it was I was doing
Speaker 1: everything to keep you in line so that you could
Speaker 1: survive when you were here with us. So it was
Speaker 1: a survival tactic. It wasn't because she necessarily wanted. On
Speaker 1: top of that, think about this, when we freed the slaves,
Speaker 1: did anyone think about mental health for the slaves? Right
Speaker 1: when we were dealing with reconstruction and there was redlining
Speaker 1: that what we're dealing with mental health from all of
Speaker 1: these families who were separated and forced to live in
Speaker 1: ghettos because they after the Great Depression, they created UM
Speaker 1: all of these nice neighborhoods for suburban white areas and
Speaker 1: then told contractors not to build for black right, So
Speaker 1: did we deal with the mental anguish that went into that?
Speaker 1: And if we did have our own it, it was
Speaker 1: burned down. Do you see what I'm saying. So now
Speaker 1: these people who were murdered, massacre, tormented for hundreds of years,
Speaker 1: Now we're free. Right, Then we get into Jim Crow
Speaker 1: South and we have to deal with segregation and lynchings
Speaker 1: becoming a thing of American history. People used and this
Speaker 1: is this is what I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't understand. Lynchings were so prominent in America that they
Speaker 1: used to celebrate picnics by hanging a black person, burning them,
Speaker 1: cutting off the genitals and ears and stuff, and people
Speaker 1: would have picnics around that black body. Right, did we
Speaker 1: ever have any mental health for those black people who
Speaker 1: survived that? No? Right, But that was my family from
Speaker 1: the South who then raised children without dealing with any
Speaker 1: of that trauma. So they raised children thinking about survival.
Speaker 1: My grandmother was, I mean, we used to get beat
Speaker 1: with fly swatters, belts, sticks, slippers, and that was just
Speaker 1: that all to scare you to stay in line so
Speaker 1: that you wouldn't act out. I mean, you were all boys.
Speaker 1: It was all boys, Me and my cousin Davan, my
Speaker 1: my brother Brian. We would be in Tennessee and she
Speaker 1: had white carpet in the kitchen. My grandmother, my grandmother
Speaker 1: was fly mothers And this is not I love my
Speaker 1: grandmother death. Everything she did for was for us and
Speaker 1: for our survival. So this is not like a bash
Speaker 1: my grandmother's session. But it was just you get older,
Speaker 1: you understand why I thinks were right. And we would
Speaker 1: be at the table and she would say, sit down
Speaker 1: and eat, don't play around. We're being boys, playing around,
Speaker 1: throwing stuff. You spill juice, right, you get your ass whooped.
Speaker 1: So think about that. You're doing what a kid does.
Speaker 1: You're playing and you spill juice and you get beat
Speaker 1: for it. Right, that's toxic behavior. Like I understand where
Speaker 1: she was coming from, but realistically that's very very toxic behavior.
Speaker 1: Right then, all her children were raised the same way,
Speaker 1: and they raised their children the same way. As I
Speaker 1: got older and you become more educated on the history
Speaker 1: and you come more educated on on you know, how
Speaker 1: we deal with children, you start to say, I don't
Speaker 1: have to like, you don't gotta beat me for doing
Speaker 1: you know, doing certain things, and I noticed in our
Speaker 1: generation we start to speak up about it, and that's
Speaker 1: when you start to look around and realize how toxic
Speaker 1: your family is because none of those deep rooted issues
Speaker 1: were ever dealt with from years and years of general
Speaker 1: rational traumas being passed out. Absolutely, that's why I applaud
Speaker 1: our generation for starting to question so many things. Now
Speaker 1: you're starting to kind of go against the grain. And
Speaker 1: the older generations may look at us as being the
Speaker 1: disrespectful generation, But at what costs? Like or is this
Speaker 1: something that we're going to continue to do? We were
Speaker 1: raised in a school system where corporal punishment was assigned off.
Speaker 1: Both of us went to a private school when we
Speaker 1: were younger, where our parents within the registration packet signed
Speaker 1: off on corporal punishment as that being something that was
Speaker 1: a means of discipline and it was at the discretion
Speaker 1: of the teacher or the principle or the assistant principle.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine if we were living in that kind
Speaker 1: of society to this when we would walk into being
Speaker 1: Baptist Academy and you could tell if a teacher was
Speaker 1: having a bad day, like just about coming from home,
Speaker 1: like the day hasn't started yet. Come into the day
Speaker 1: having a bad day, and we'd be online, you know,
Speaker 1: getting ready to go into the trailers that we went into,
Speaker 1: and kids are being kids dancing. I told you stop
Speaker 1: moving on to some with kids are dancing, joking around.
Speaker 1: Then you just get beat with a ruler wrapped in
Speaker 1: duct tape for for being a kid and moving once again,
Speaker 1: toxic behavior passed and now where the age world, we
Speaker 1: can disconnect from that stuff. So I don't even have
Speaker 1: to explain to you. I can just be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: not dealing with that's crazy because when that was done,
Speaker 1: I feel like it was done too with a form
Speaker 1: of love, you know what I mean, absolutely does love,
Speaker 1: Like even at Bethlehem Academy, had such a great stint
Speaker 1: there at that school, and that's not the first thing
Speaker 1: that comes to mind when I think of my time there. However,
Speaker 1: it was done all with the mindset that we were
Speaker 1: trying to raise these boys and girls to be law
Speaker 1: biden citizens who can assimilate into society and be well
Speaker 1: behaved and not ruffle feathers and do everything that they're
Speaker 1: supposed to do, which is just so completely different now
Speaker 1: with the way we pair our children for example, just
Speaker 1: even talking about the giving our children a voice, like saying, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is the elder you you should not speak back
Speaker 1: where you should not have an opinion. That's completely opposite
Speaker 1: of what we're doing with our children. We encourage so
Speaker 1: much dialogue. We are apologizing now as parents if we
Speaker 1: feel like we do something that may not have been
Speaker 1: the right decision, or in retrospect we decide, you know what,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have dealt with this that way. How many
Speaker 1: times if we have apologized to our children for things
Speaker 1: like that, you know, and I think that's just part
Speaker 1: of being a conscious parent now in this day and age,
Speaker 1: trying to break those cycles. I also feel that it's
Speaker 1: important for us to talk about that generation that had
Speaker 1: to deal with all of those traumas are the reason
Speaker 1: why we're able to have the freedom to live the
Speaker 1: way we live now. For sure, you see what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: So once again, not shaming the older generation for the
Speaker 1: way they did, but understanding that we wouldn't have been
Speaker 1: able to get to this point if it were weren't
Speaker 1: for those parameters in the fifties, sixties, and seventies. Being
Speaker 1: a freethinking black person, especially black male during that time
Speaker 1: will get you murdered. Right. So when my grandmother when
Speaker 1: we used to ask questions or talk back, she was
Speaker 1: not having that like any talk back when you get hit.
Speaker 1: And what it does is it does it does stunt
Speaker 1: your growth as a child adolescent when it comes to
Speaker 1: thinking freely. But they weren't. They didn't care about growth
Speaker 1: at that point, you know, no one. It was survival.
Speaker 1: It really was survival. And we have to take that
Speaker 1: into account when we think about toxic family members, because ultimately,
Speaker 1: removing toxicity does the word that you and I have created.
Speaker 1: We created that three years ago. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you remember that, but removing toxicity from a family takes
Speaker 1: free thinking and it takes um the allowance of people
Speaker 1: to think freely. And I think within toxic families, the
Speaker 1: number one toxic part of the family is the control
Speaker 1: aspect of not allowing people to think freely. So if
Speaker 1: you think anything other than then what the family thinks,
Speaker 1: and then you become you become the rebel in the family.
Speaker 1: You become the black sheep of the family. You're going
Speaker 1: against the grain, you're the disgrace that usually become labeled that.
Speaker 1: But then we usually see that these black sheep and
Speaker 1: said rebel tend to be some of the happier people
Speaker 1: when you look at their lives outside of the family dynamic,
Speaker 1: they're flourishing, and flourishing may just be that they simply
Speaker 1: feel like they can exist in the space where they
Speaker 1: don't have to deal with the toxicity anymore. So they're
Speaker 1: free to do whatever they want and they can live
Speaker 1: and be happy without having to pander to other family members.
Speaker 1: That ultimately, when you really look at it, does it
Speaker 1: really matter? It depends? That was a good question. Doesn't
Speaker 1: really matter? Does it really matter? Doesn't really matter? Is
Speaker 1: a great question because if family is important to you,
Speaker 1: and your family name matters to you, then it is important.
Speaker 1: But what you're not trying to carry on in this
Speaker 1: family the name, it's toxic behavior. And that's the point.
Speaker 1: You know, if your family is not about being toxic,
Speaker 1: and your family has a heritage, right or they gain
Speaker 1: access to things through a toxic manner, of course you
Speaker 1: don't want to carry that on. But the successes of
Speaker 1: being a part of that family you do want to
Speaker 1: carry on, right Like for example, here, let's let's let's
Speaker 1: look at some of the reasons people cut ties with family.
Speaker 1: Researchers show the most common reasons people cut ties with
Speaker 1: family include sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect, poor parenting, betrayal,
Speaker 1: drug abuse, disagreements often related to romantic relationships, politics, homophobia,
Speaker 1: and issues related to money, inheritance or business, physical or
Speaker 1: mental health problems. Right, all of these things, the core
Speaker 1: thing that I noticed here is a basis of control. Right. So,
Speaker 1: for example, sexual physical, or emotional abuse, that's a form
Speaker 1: of control. Right. If a family is run a certain
Speaker 1: way where certain people in the family get to do
Speaker 1: things to other members of the family, right as a
Speaker 1: form of control. If you realize that this is wrong,
Speaker 1: and you start saying, hey, this is wrong, that's when
Speaker 1: they say we need to get him out of the
Speaker 1: family because he's he's now compromising that control that we have.
Speaker 1: That right, then you look at poor parenting. Typically, poor
Speaker 1: parenting comes from you learning poor parenting techniques from those parents, right.
Speaker 1: And if you're smart enough to realize that, you know what,
Speaker 1: I don't think I want to exist in this type
Speaker 1: of poor parenting, that's when they start to say, what
Speaker 1: I got to get out of here. He or she
Speaker 1: is the black sheep. They don't fall in line with
Speaker 1: what we're trying to get moving, right, This next one betrayal.
Speaker 1: Betrayal is typically what the toxic people in the family
Speaker 1: members use as a way to make you feel guilty,
Speaker 1: the form of manipulation. They always say this, right, how
Speaker 1: could you go against the family? Remember when he was
Speaker 1: watching the same thing, going against the family, and it
Speaker 1: seems like going against a family in what terms? Well,
Speaker 1: also going against the family who was just ultimately fucked up.
Speaker 1: But what they're doing, so you're gonna go against what
Speaker 1: you're doing because you're don't realize how it's messed up.
Speaker 1: But they use that family term as a way to
Speaker 1: make you feel guilty about not falling in line with
Speaker 1: the controlled things that they've put in place to stop
Speaker 1: you from being a free thinker. Right. This next one
Speaker 1: drug abuse. Typically people fall into drug abuse or alcoholism
Speaker 1: rather than it being just an addiction. Right. Typically they
Speaker 1: fall into this when they're tired of dealing with the
Speaker 1: control and they want what escapeism, right, They want an escape.
Speaker 1: So it's like, you know what, I'm tired of dealing
Speaker 1: with this. I know that it's wrong, but rather than
Speaker 1: me be the black sheep of the family let me
Speaker 1: self medicate using other means. Well, yeah, I think about
Speaker 1: that family member that's already drunk when they get to
Speaker 1: the family function, because it's like the only way I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get through this family dinner, and the only way
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get through this Christmas night is if I
Speaker 1: have a couple of drinks before we're having to deal
Speaker 1: with these people. I'm gonna show up because it's family,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna show up. But okay, I'm gonna toast.
Speaker 1: That's a lot, yo. This is what's funny. I tell
Speaker 1: y'all a real funny. That's that's not a story, but
Speaker 1: a funny moment. Right. Kadine and I when we both
Speaker 1: started dating and started like introducing each other to each
Speaker 1: other's families, I remember both of us having this like Okay,
Speaker 1: well this, this person in the family is the and
Speaker 1: it's like you feel like your family is the only
Speaker 1: family in the world who deals with this. Then when
Speaker 1: you meet the person you're dating his family and you're like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, y'all done one of those exactly your
Speaker 1: family know that. You're like, okay, well then this it's
Speaker 1: just what we're all dealing with. Your family goes through
Speaker 1: and you know what I'm saying, your family goes through this,
Speaker 1: or y'll don't talk to that hunt or this uncle
Speaker 1: crazync been locked up. You know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: it's we've all gone through that with our families. But
Speaker 1: the funny thing about toxic family members is that we
Speaker 1: all try to keep it hush and act like everybody
Speaker 1: in our family is perfect. That's the most annoying thing
Speaker 1: to me, to me at least, because I'm like, and
Speaker 1: then it's the it's the acting as if you're perfect,
Speaker 1: but then quick to find fault with everybody else, absolutely,
Speaker 1: like always great to find support with somebody else. That's
Speaker 1: the part that always gets me. So it's, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: it's funny when we talk about family members and us
Speaker 1: trying to find ways to deal with our family, right
Speaker 1: and in the black community, we've never looked at professional
Speaker 1: help as a way. Right in our family, it was
Speaker 1: did you speak to your pastor? You know, and pastors
Speaker 1: don't go to school for psychology. You know, they go
Speaker 1: to school for theology. You know, they understand the Bible,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean that they understand human behavior. Some
Speaker 1: pastors are better at it than others. But they're not
Speaker 1: trained or they haven't learned human behavior to the point
Speaker 1: where they can diagnose and help a family. Some can
Speaker 1: because you don't need to be you know, a psyche,
Speaker 1: you know, a psychological major to do that. But I
Speaker 1: feel like our ways of dealing with issues in our
Speaker 1: community have not been working. No. I mean I feel
Speaker 1: like within my family, at least, um, there would be
Speaker 1: no let's talk to the pastor or let's talk to
Speaker 1: this person. There's just let's not talk about it at all, which,
Speaker 1: in turn, I think is an even bigger issue. So
Speaker 1: it's not even that you see that there's an issue
Speaker 1: and you're trying to seek the help. It's that we
Speaker 1: don't have an issue, they have an issue or y'all
Speaker 1: have an issue because we're fine over here when we're
Speaker 1: just like, no, you're not, though, like this is not
Speaker 1: like things aren't okay. So I've always said how I've
Speaker 1: come from a family line of just not really having
Speaker 1: conversations and communicating in any of that, um, and in
Speaker 1: me trying to reverse that or change the pattern and
Speaker 1: be vocal. Um. I've been more vocal with my family
Speaker 1: with various things. UM. But I've also reached a point
Speaker 1: to where I just kind of feel like some of
Speaker 1: the energy that I would spend having those conversations that
Speaker 1: when is it okay, because it's what let's get to
Speaker 1: what we were talking about. When is it okay to
Speaker 1: say okay, y'all got to be cut off? Oh so,
Speaker 1: I mean me personally, I it when dealing with family members.
Speaker 1: UM Like I was just saying, there comes a point
Speaker 1: where it's just like, okay, we can have this conversation
Speaker 1: if you guys are willing to have the conversation. But
Speaker 1: then you have family members that want to exist as
Speaker 1: if there is no problem, and then they constantly feel
Speaker 1: as if you're attacking them if you decide to voice
Speaker 1: said concern. I no longer have the energy to invest
Speaker 1: in people who don't feel like they have an issue,
Speaker 1: or don't feel like they have a problem, or just
Speaker 1: are okay with existing in a space where they're being
Speaker 1: inconsiderate of others feelings. And I have chosen to just say,
Speaker 1: you know what the value of this relationship in this
Speaker 1: moment for me, is it going to make or break
Speaker 1: me as an individual for the rest of my life?
Speaker 1: UM is pulling away from this relationship going to enrich
Speaker 1: or not enrich my life anymore. I can decide at
Speaker 1: that moment, you know what, I can invest more time
Speaker 1: into the areas of my life with people who do
Speaker 1: check for me or the people who do have a
Speaker 1: genuine relationship with me. And I feel like if I
Speaker 1: have to constantly question if this person is genuine or not,
Speaker 1: then it's not genuine. And then it's time. Have you
Speaker 1: cut family members off? I have, I have. I don't
Speaker 1: know if they know they're cut off, but well, I mean,
Speaker 1: at this point, it's just like, that's the best thing
Speaker 1: about cutting someone off. You're not at the airport, you
Speaker 1: don't have to departure. I love that. I love that,
Speaker 1: And it's just kind of like what whatever happens to
Speaker 1: took it in and you know, it's great. We can
Speaker 1: be cordial, we can say hello. But in terms of
Speaker 1: me investing something in a relationship that I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm getting no return out of. Why do you think
Speaker 1: do you think cutting family off can be counterproductive? I
Speaker 1: think it can be counterproductive if you feel like it's
Speaker 1: something that continues to bother you and you feel like
Speaker 1: you haven't necessarily settled that story yet either, because it
Speaker 1: could be something that weighs on your mind and you're
Speaker 1: constantly having to to have it brought up, so you
Speaker 1: can constantly decide, like, you know what, I'm just no
Speaker 1: longer going to deal with this family member. But if
Speaker 1: it's something that continues to rehash in your mind and
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to kind of get out
Speaker 1: in the open and have this discussion with this person,
Speaker 1: then you may have to announce your departure by having
Speaker 1: conversation with them. So what you're saying is not talking
Speaker 1: to a family member, and that family member is still
Speaker 1: on your mind and pisces you off. You haven't really
Speaker 1: cut them off. You haven't really because they exist rent
Speaker 1: free in your brain. Yes, that rent free existing. You
Speaker 1: can't cut someone off if you're constantly thinking about how
Speaker 1: you cut that person off? Right, So how do you
Speaker 1: get to that point where And it may not even
Speaker 1: be you thinking of that person, It may be other
Speaker 1: family members that's just like, well, you know, sister, someone
Speaker 1: SO said that they didn't hear from you in a while,
Speaker 1: or because if someone SO is doing this again, oh
Speaker 1: can you believe it? And you're just like, okay, I'll
Speaker 1: keep bringing this person up. This person continuous to annoy me.
Speaker 1: So you may have to say to the other family members,
Speaker 1: stop talking to me about this person because I don't
Speaker 1: care anymore. Or you're gonna have to call a meeting
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, let's all get this out in
Speaker 1: the open. And I'm very you're calling me and kind
Speaker 1: of person at this point in my life, so let's
Speaker 1: out everybody. So, so, how do you deal with the
Speaker 1: family members who are typically the elders. We're constantly saying,
Speaker 1: you know, you need to call so and so. You
Speaker 1: know so and so asked for you, right, and what
Speaker 1: do you say to them? Go check my Instagram page
Speaker 1: because see they can see how I'm doing, they can
Speaker 1: see how I'm living. Now I'm kidding, but no, I
Speaker 1: I have those conversations. I have had those conversations with
Speaker 1: other family members to say, hey, A, if they want
Speaker 1: to now be an adult and have the conversation with me,
Speaker 1: they know where to find me. B I've also had
Speaker 1: the conversation where I've had the conversation where it's like,
Speaker 1: I understand that's how you feel, and I respect the
Speaker 1: fact that that's how you feel, and you can continue
Speaker 1: to engage in that relationship with this person. However, I
Speaker 1: don't feel like it's necessarily going to enrich my life
Speaker 1: anymore to continue that. I'm not going to be disrespectful,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to make a big scene. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to make a big think about it. But it
Speaker 1: just doesn't have to be something that I entertain and
Speaker 1: I'm just not going to do it. Wow. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: where we're at with it now. No, I can just
Speaker 1: invest so much more energy into people who I want
Speaker 1: to exist in energy and spaces with. I'm just not
Speaker 1: subscribing to the jargon of question for you, then, at
Speaker 1: what age will you allow our sons to say, Mommy, Daddy,
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk to that person no more.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's a particular age. I feel like
Speaker 1: our five year old could you can tell with children
Speaker 1: if they don't flex with somebody, you know how they
Speaker 1: say children and animals they take certain individuals for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's a particular age. But I think
Speaker 1: there can be just reason that we can listen to
Speaker 1: our children and say, hey, there has to be a
Speaker 1: reason why they may not want to mess with said adult,
Speaker 1: And then it may require some further investigation to see
Speaker 1: if something had transpired that caused that. I just don't
Speaker 1: think that it should just be oh, I'm not feeling
Speaker 1: this person in this moment, so let's cut them all off.
Speaker 1: I think if there was a particular chain of events
Speaker 1: that made you feel differently, if there's a particular behavior
Speaker 1: that person exhibited that the person is now turned off
Speaker 1: from or our child is turned off from, then I'm
Speaker 1: perfectly okay with saying, oh, okay, you have that personal
Speaker 1: right to decide who you do mess with and not
Speaker 1: see for me, because kids are temperamental and they also
Speaker 1: watch behavior and just repeat behavior. Um, I would want
Speaker 1: my my children, my boys, to be able to eloquently
Speaker 1: articulate to me. You have to discuss why you do
Speaker 1: not like this person, absolutely if you if you're just
Speaker 1: saying I don't know, and that's not good enough teper
Speaker 1: to Because there's some people that come to visit who
Speaker 1: are close family or friends that they run through the
Speaker 1: door and they're like, hey, such and such a him hugs,
Speaker 1: and then other days they're like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: give that person a hug, and we're just like, all right, well,
Speaker 1: you just may not feel like doing that in this moment.
Speaker 1: That's happened before too, you know. I mean when it
Speaker 1: comes to the hugging stuff and in personal space, I'm
Speaker 1: never pushing my kids to hug anybody. But I will
Speaker 1: say this though, it is also toxic behavior for you
Speaker 1: to allow children to decide whether or not they want
Speaker 1: to speak to people based on how they feel in
Speaker 1: the moment, because that's not how the real world works.
Speaker 1: Because when you grow up, you can't say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I ain't going to work. I'm not talking to my
Speaker 1: boss today. You can't. You have to just be cordial,
Speaker 1: say you're hellos. But does it require a full blown
Speaker 1: conversation or a full blown relationship. Not necessarily. And you're right.
Speaker 1: Children are impressionable, and they may be exposed to how
Speaker 1: you deal with other families and feel like that enables
Speaker 1: them to then be disrespectful. That's when that's not gonna happen.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you right now, because I know my father's
Speaker 1: energy and my mom's energy right when I was a
Speaker 1: kid growing up. If my father inflects with somebody, I
Speaker 1: could see in his energy inflects with that person. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, and exactly, But but here's the
Speaker 1: truth though, right if those two people have a personal beef,
Speaker 1: but you don't even know if your parents your father
Speaker 1: was wrong wrong? Do you see what I'm saying? So
Speaker 1: that that's why it's important to as a parent to
Speaker 1: make sure that like, for example, why you know, if
Speaker 1: you ask your child why why don't you talk to someone?
Speaker 1: So well, you don't talk to him. You gotta kind
Speaker 1: of check yourself at this point to be like, dang,
Speaker 1: what am I teaching? What? What bad behavior? And my
Speaker 1: teaching my son or daughter if I can't if they
Speaker 1: can't express to me why they don't talk to person
Speaker 1: other than the fact that I don't talk to them,
Speaker 1: you understand what I'm saying. Do you subscribe to children
Speaker 1: respecting their elders regardless of Oh no, I already said
Speaker 1: that it's not about respecting the elder at that point,
Speaker 1: it's about being able to express to me that. This
Speaker 1: goes back to once again, teaching children how to express
Speaker 1: their feelings and feeling comfortable thinking freely. You know, for example, Jackson,
Speaker 1: you know, hey, uh, Jackson, why you why you don't
Speaker 1: talk to so and so? I don't know you don't
Speaker 1: talk to them? Okay, but why don't you talk to them.
Speaker 1: I have my reasons for not talking to them. Why
Speaker 1: don't you talk to them? I don't know. I noticed
Speaker 1: you don't talk to him. Well I don't talk to him. Well, buddy,
Speaker 1: that's not that's not good enough. You know that person
Speaker 1: may be a resource to you, that person may have
Speaker 1: your that's interested heart, that person may be great to you.
Speaker 1: You can't just follow fashion and say, well, if someone
Speaker 1: so don't talk, I don't talk unless you can express
Speaker 1: there's a reason why, or you saw some him do
Speaker 1: something to me that turned you off. But if it's
Speaker 1: just my behavior, that's not good enough. And I think
Speaker 1: that's also something toxic that happens in families. I'll say
Speaker 1: in my family in general, there was a generational beef
Speaker 1: between It was a beef between a generation and spilled
Speaker 1: down into our generation, and then me and family in
Speaker 1: my generation at that level didn't talk for years because
Speaker 1: do you know what I'm saying. And it wasn't until
Speaker 1: we sat down and discussed, well, you did this and
Speaker 1: someone so did this, and then I was like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, but that don't make sense, and that don't
Speaker 1: make sense. Then you start to look at it and
Speaker 1: say wow, we've been beefing for years over something that
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with us, and when we sit
Speaker 1: back and think about it, that beef was stupid too. Well,
Speaker 1: that's why I'm a subscriber, for getting everybody in the
Speaker 1: room to other at one point you can all speak
Speaker 1: about it so it doesn't become a he said, she said,
Speaker 1: and I felt this because that person said, But it
Speaker 1: really didn't happen in that way. And a lot of
Speaker 1: times we see how people will maneuver and navigate through
Speaker 1: a situation with a particular intention and it's not received
Speaker 1: that way. So your intention means nothing depending on how
Speaker 1: it was received. And a lot of it can be
Speaker 1: just miscommunication, so it could be worth conversations some crazy
Speaker 1: you need, some crazy of issues. Beefs, wars, um, divorces
Speaker 1: start with miscommunication because it's it's never what you implied,
Speaker 1: it's how the person received whatever action you've done or
Speaker 1: verbal communication you gave across. And if you think about everything,
Speaker 1: it's like once it's all the dust settles, well, you
Speaker 1: always hear this, well I thought you meant. Then does
Speaker 1: that mean you thought I meant we went to war?
Speaker 1: Because you thought I meant? Think about how dumb. That is,
Speaker 1: we didn't talk for years because I thought, you, man,
Speaker 1: this isn't. Part why I think Kadina and I have
Speaker 1: been able to thrive in our marriage more recently is
Speaker 1: because this is my best friend first. So with that
Speaker 1: being said, there's nothing we can't talk about. I feel
Speaker 1: like when we first got married, um, there was a
Speaker 1: stigma where for me especially was that's my wife. You
Speaker 1: don't talk to your wife about this, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, or you would. You would think that all
Speaker 1: my husband's never gonna understand. So I'm just gonna internalize
Speaker 1: this that we communicate, and then the communication will be
Speaker 1: pissed because it's like I'm not going to say that
Speaker 1: because that's my wife. And then years ago by and
Speaker 1: you'd be like, well, I thought the whole time that
Speaker 1: this is what you felt. It wasn't until you were
Speaker 1: you were like, oh, I was doing all this for
Speaker 1: us and for you, and I'm like, I didn't want
Speaker 1: that or asked for that, and you were bustingly asked
Speaker 1: to give me a when all along I was just
Speaker 1: hoping for be like, but think about you have friends
Speaker 1: for long periods of time, why because there's nothing you
Speaker 1: can't talk to your friend about right. You can talk
Speaker 1: to your friend about anything right. Sometimes you just spots
Speaker 1: you can't. Sometimes with your family, it's the same thing.
Speaker 1: Don't talk to your mom about this because or as
Speaker 1: a mom, don't talk to your kids about this same
Speaker 1: thing with aunts and uncles and cousins. I feel like
Speaker 1: if we all approach every relationship as if this is
Speaker 1: a possibility to be a best friend and we have
Speaker 1: open lines of communication, will have less of this family
Speaker 1: drama and people getting cut off to that level of
Speaker 1: accountability that people need to have it. I think they
Speaker 1: don't have, particularly elders, And I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: because it's a pride thing or if it's a thing
Speaker 1: where they are not willing to admit mistake or admit
Speaker 1: fault um as readily, and it can just be like
Speaker 1: a person thing too. Um that I know has affected
Speaker 1: some family dynamics On my side, UM is people just
Speaker 1: not being accountable for their actions and seeing how their
Speaker 1: actions could have hurt other individuals. You know what I
Speaker 1: call those grown toddlers. I know some people who are
Speaker 1: grown toddlers. They'll have temperate tantrums and things don't go
Speaker 1: their way. And if they do something wrong, they just
Speaker 1: ignore that act like you never You're just supposed to
Speaker 1: like the wheels keep on just moving. And I wait
Speaker 1: a second, we definitely had a whole hat to be
Speaker 1: You're not going to acknowledge not acknowledge that right exactly?
Speaker 1: It is. No one's gonna talk about this elephant in
Speaker 1: the room. Um, and I'm all for exposing elephants in
Speaker 1: the room now, so so I mean, no, this is
Speaker 1: actually interesting to hear you talk about this. So moving forward,
Speaker 1: when it comes to family, you're not against cutting off
Speaker 1: toxic family. You're not against the kids if they can
Speaker 1: express themselves cutting off toxic family. Are you opposed to
Speaker 1: being uh cut off? If someone feels that I don't
Speaker 1: serve them in whatever capacity they need me for, then
Speaker 1: I'm all good with that. I'd rather you just be
Speaker 1: honest with me about it and tell me what it
Speaker 1: is upfront. Be honest, state, say how you feel, and
Speaker 1: then we can agree to disagree if that's the case,
Speaker 1: or I can respect somebody's saying conveine whatever your way
Speaker 1: of life is it do I know people don't necessarily
Speaker 1: agree in my family with you know, some family members
Speaker 1: with you know, how I make my living and how
Speaker 1: we do our thing, and how open we are and
Speaker 1: how transparent we are. Um, and that's fine. They're about
Speaker 1: to cut you all. That's fine. Listen, I'm trying to
Speaker 1: lose all the weights, so says say less bro, like
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. Um, you know, but I
Speaker 1: do understand also to the desire to want to keep
Speaker 1: a family unit together as well. You know, some people
Speaker 1: have that they live in this this euphoria of like
Speaker 1: we should just all be a happy family. When I
Speaker 1: think we can achieve that happy family when we start
Speaker 1: being honest with each other first and foremost, and then
Speaker 1: we can move on from there, you know, I think,
Speaker 1: I think, And then I started choosing my family. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but point now where I am literally choosing my family
Speaker 1: like a a you know, blood family member could easily
Speaker 1: be replaced by somebody who I've elected to now be
Speaker 1: my family. I just thought of my moment of truth,
Speaker 1: but whole day because we have listen to letters and
Speaker 1: what not to get into. Let's take a quick break,
Speaker 1: come back, do listen to letters, and then you can
Speaker 1: give us the moment the truth. Jot it down so
Speaker 1: you don't forget that's what I'm doing right now. We'll
Speaker 1: be back. We are back with Dead Ass Podcast. Back
Speaker 1: for the favorite part of the show, the list of
Speaker 1: the letters. Do you just lost my listener? Letters? Where first?
Speaker 1: All right, go first, let me find mine? All right,
Speaker 1: they asked, y'all are so refreshing, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I've been on this journey with y'all for about two
Speaker 1: plus years, not sure how I ever came across y'all,
Speaker 1: and I'm always in all of the wrongness of your
Speaker 1: love and affection for one another and your family. Question.
Speaker 1: I have a newborn congratulations, a week old and a
Speaker 1: two and a half year old boy. Mom bullet, bullet yo.
Speaker 1: I beat myself up over how I'm going to manage
Speaker 1: naps and loud noises since I have to now and
Speaker 1: before it was so much easier with one. What are
Speaker 1: pro tips for integrating a new baby into a business
Speaker 1: We just talked about this a busy house with one
Speaker 1: or more kids in the house already. I don't want
Speaker 1: to limit my tallest freedom and noise levels, but I
Speaker 1: want the new baby to get his rest in peace.
Speaker 1: How does this happen? And how I got an easy
Speaker 1: answer to this? Also, how do you manage naps when
Speaker 1: you're up and on the go. I am the nap king,
Speaker 1: Codeine will tell you this. And I don't plan to
Speaker 1: be home all day like the first with the first boy,
Speaker 1: so I should plan to have naps in the car
Speaker 1: in public, or avoid naps when we can't stop, when
Speaker 1: we can't stop to take them. Like, thank you in advance.
Speaker 1: We are happy you made it out of your fourth delivery,
Speaker 1: happy and healthy, even post the medical emergency you had
Speaker 1: this time around. Thank you so much, so boom, this
Speaker 1: is easy, yo, This is a real easy schedule. Easy
Speaker 1: as I say it, because schedule over here, scheduling, And
Speaker 1: part of the reason why Codinian super tired is because
Speaker 1: she's ignored scheduling because this is our last child, this
Speaker 1: is the wash belly. So she spoiled him and babied
Speaker 1: him and colaged him up a lot longer than she
Speaker 1: typically does. But the truth of the matter is, once
Speaker 1: you get these kids on the schedule, and especially boys,
Speaker 1: boys love um. They love all structure. They love structure.
Speaker 1: So the thing I would tell you to do is,
Speaker 1: if they're both super super young, right when you put
Speaker 1: one down for a nap, put the other down for
Speaker 1: a nap and take a nap. Most parents in the
Speaker 1: middle of the day, I feel like if I I'm
Speaker 1: gonna put the kids down and get work done, you
Speaker 1: don't get work done when you're tired. So what you
Speaker 1: do is you get work done while the kids are up.
Speaker 1: When they take a nap, you take a nap, and
Speaker 1: then when the kids are up, you find a way
Speaker 1: for them to be engaged and you get more work done. Additionally,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to let your child cry. I did
Speaker 1: this all the time with the boys, and they're all
Speaker 1: perfectly fine. If they're fed, if they're clean, and they're happy,
Speaker 1: they can sit in that bouncer or sitting that rocker
Speaker 1: and be perfectly fine. If they want to scream because
Speaker 1: they want to be held, I guarantee you they won't
Speaker 1: scream for too long because you ain't gonna be coming back.
Speaker 1: And I used to get work done. That's that's just
Speaker 1: the truth. Doesn't matter. Isn't at nighttime? Put them to
Speaker 1: bed at a certain time. We just went to our
Speaker 1: pediatrician and she told us, listen, if you have a newborn,
Speaker 1: do not them sleep. Do not let them sleep longer
Speaker 1: than two hours a day, two hour naps during the day,
Speaker 1: and do not them let them sleep at least two
Speaker 1: hours prior to you putting them to bed for the night.
Speaker 1: If they're over ten pounds to twelve pounds, they can
Speaker 1: sleep for up to twelve hours, and if they can
Speaker 1: roll over, they can sleep on their stomach. Babies typically
Speaker 1: tend to sleep better on their stomach. Need to sleep
Speaker 1: in my stomach now now that my breasts are still
Speaker 1: kind of like in the middle of still being still
Speaker 1: with the nursing and stuff. But yes, I agree with
Speaker 1: you structure and I know as a as a fourth
Speaker 1: time parents, four time parents, we kind of know that
Speaker 1: structure needs to be had. And it's a little easier
Speaker 1: for us because the older boys are on a routine
Speaker 1: because they have school, they have bedtimes and all that.
Speaker 1: So now it's just a matter of getting the baby
Speaker 1: into the routine of it. And now that we have
Speaker 1: Dakota in our room in the bassinet, she's our Preetrition
Speaker 1: was like, sis, he needs to know that the crib
Speaker 1: in his room exists. You need to get that crib
Speaker 1: set up, put him in his room, let him napping there,
Speaker 1: let him know that this is going to be my space.
Speaker 1: Let's do bathtime routine. We'll do all that stuff in
Speaker 1: there so he knows that this is my domain. So
Speaker 1: and don't let the mommy don't let the mommy guilt
Speaker 1: get to you to where you like, let me just
Speaker 1: keep holding onto him. You're gonna have this child for
Speaker 1: eighteen more years, you know what I'm saying. My baby
Speaker 1: wearing h you can't. He can baby wear you at
Speaker 1: that point. But what happens even with Cadee sometimes it's
Speaker 1: just like she's like, it's gonna hold him, and I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: the more you hold him and you're you're afraid to
Speaker 1: let him go because you think that this moment ain't
Speaker 1: gonna last forever. The longer is gonna take to get
Speaker 1: him on the schedule, and you're gonna be beating yourself
Speaker 1: up when you're not getting asleep. Don't be afraid to
Speaker 1: be a mom and give him some tough love. And
Speaker 1: some of that tough love is learning how to self soothe.
Speaker 1: You know, I talked to the boys about it all
Speaker 1: the time, even at ten and five and four. You
Speaker 1: have to self soothed and learn how to control your emotions.
Speaker 1: My guy, like, I'm not gonna coy to you. Your
Speaker 1: mom is not always gonna cor to you. Something hurt
Speaker 1: your your you know something is bothering you learn how
Speaker 1: to self soothe a little bit, and it's okay as
Speaker 1: a mom to let your baby learn how to self soothe.
Speaker 1: We were watching um speaking of balance, watch an animal
Speaker 1: planet right me and the boys. Deer drops out of
Speaker 1: the mom boom. The mom, dear, don't run over to
Speaker 1: the baby dear and hold the baby deer and walk
Speaker 1: the baby dear. The mom sits back and the deer
Speaker 1: has to learn how to walk immediately upon coming out,
Speaker 1: and that day befalling. The legs be wobbly. That's how
Speaker 1: some ladies look at heels. O night, that's the analogy,
Speaker 1: like she walking like a baby dear. I've had my
Speaker 1: baby dear moments too, so you definitely had some baby
Speaker 1: deal moments. Narrow as red bottoms, chill, baby deal legs. Baby,
Speaker 1: But that wasn't the heels. It was the alcohol. It
Speaker 1: is a little bit of both. We got we got
Speaker 1: two kids because of the baby deer legs. Do you
Speaker 1: like the baby deer legs? Bring it back. I didn't
Speaker 1: think it was attractive, but it wasn't the baby deal. Legs.
Speaker 1: It was your state of mind when we got home
Speaker 1: after the baby, dear legs then that I enjoyed. So
Speaker 1: that was like, that was like a notice to me,
Speaker 1: like wait a minute, like since the tap says her
Speaker 1: knees keeping what's happening here? Alright? Focus? But yeah, So structure,
Speaker 1: structure and routine and allowing them to walk on their
Speaker 1: own like they're gonna fall, They're gonna cry, tough mama,
Speaker 1: but hanging there all right. Last one, my mom and
Speaker 1: I have never had a great relationship. She had been
Speaker 1: emotionally and sometimes physically abusive my whole life up until
Speaker 1: the point I turned eighteen and off to college in
Speaker 1: a different state. I'm twenty five now, and I've been
Speaker 1: completely fine with not having a relationship with her. However,
Speaker 1: my older brother passed away January six one, sorry to
Speaker 1: hear that, and now my mother's only my only my
Speaker 1: mother's only living child. It's been hard for us all
Speaker 1: and my mother and we lean on each other a
Speaker 1: lot to get through it in the beginning. The problem
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with now is that I have no interest
Speaker 1: in rebuilding our relationship. Everyone keeps telling me that I
Speaker 1: need to get over whatever problems I have, because right
Speaker 1: now she needs me, but I've been having a very
Speaker 1: hard time doing that. She has shown that she has
Speaker 1: no desire to hold herself accountable, which is what I
Speaker 1: said before for the ship she put me through when
Speaker 1: I was younger, and I have no desire to move
Speaker 1: forward until she does. But the empathetic side of me
Speaker 1: keeps reminding me that losing a child's one of the
Speaker 1: worst things that can happen to a parent, and that
Speaker 1: I should make an effort to move forward at the
Speaker 1: expense of my personal boundaries and mental health. It feels
Speaker 1: like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place,
Speaker 1: and this mental battle I'm having with myself is really
Speaker 1: weighing on me. What do you guys, What would you
Speaker 1: guys do in this situation. I'm really interested to hear
Speaker 1: your perspective as parents, so any advice is appreciated. I
Speaker 1: can't relate to mom because she's not owning up to
Speaker 1: the things that she's put you through as a parent,
Speaker 1: I mean as a child, um, so that would just
Speaker 1: be hard for me in general. Whereas with us, we
Speaker 1: try to be accountable with the things that we do
Speaker 1: or say to our children and see how they feel
Speaker 1: about it, and then talk things out. But again, if
Speaker 1: you are twenty five, that means you're probably from the
Speaker 1: generation of parenting where mom is not willing to talk
Speaker 1: about or admit any wrong. Um, even though in her
Speaker 1: mind she may have been doing these things for quote
Speaker 1: unquote your own sake. Um, that's not the way you
Speaker 1: received it. So just the way I feel, there's only
Speaker 1: one person in your life, or one type of person
Speaker 1: that is deserving of you sacrificing your mental health to
Speaker 1: help them, and that's your children. Because your children are
Speaker 1: here at your pleasure. They're here because you asked them
Speaker 1: to be here. Anybody else, your spouse, your parents, your brother,
Speaker 1: your sister, your uncle, your aunt, no one else is
Speaker 1: deserving of you sacrificing your mental health for them to
Speaker 1: feel better. Like that's there's there's just there's no room
Speaker 1: for that. There is no room for that. Only person
Speaker 1: is your child because that person, that child, doesn't have
Speaker 1: the mental capacity. And then it comes to point when
Speaker 1: that child is an adult, and then at that point,
Speaker 1: that child no longer deserves for you to sacrifice your
Speaker 1: mental health for that person's embetterment. But when they were
Speaker 1: a child, when they were a child, yes, once they
Speaker 1: get to and I'm not evenna say eighteen because eighteen
Speaker 1: is still a baby. Um, I would say mid twenties.
Speaker 1: Once you get to their mid twenties. No, bro, you
Speaker 1: you you, I'm not. You have all of your faculties.
Speaker 1: You have to figure that out. And I'm no longer
Speaker 1: sacrificing my mental health to make you feel better about yourself.
Speaker 1: That's how I feel about it. With everybody, with everybody
Speaker 1: across the board there, and that's gonna leave me. That's
Speaker 1: gonna lead me to my moment of truth. So all right,
Speaker 1: let's do that. Well, I mean, if you want to
Speaker 1: be featured as one of our list of letters, email
Speaker 1: us at as advice at gmail dot com. That's D
Speaker 1: E A d A S S A d V I
Speaker 1: C at gmail dot com. This leads me right into
Speaker 1: the moment of truth. I wrote it down. Moment of truth.
Speaker 1: Family often uses the titles given inset family to validate
Speaker 1: poor behavior. For example, somebody will do something to you
Speaker 1: and know they're wrong and you and they expect you
Speaker 1: to just deal with it, you know what they say.
Speaker 1: But I'm your mom, you know what I'm saying. But
Speaker 1: we were family, were cousins? What does that mean? You
Speaker 1: get to violate me on a regular basis, And because
Speaker 1: we're family, I gotta take it. Family typically is responsible
Speaker 1: for doing that. Friends don't friends don't do that. Co
Speaker 1: workers don't do that. There's no other place in your
Speaker 1: life that people will do funked up shipped to you
Speaker 1: and then say stuff like but were blood were family?
Speaker 1: We ain't supposed to know? No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1: Let's normalize not allowing family members to use their titles
Speaker 1: to violate us, and let's hold them accountable. Very good,
Speaker 1: very very good. No, I completely agree. I didn't even
Speaker 1: think about that. But like the title on how much
Speaker 1: that weighs on this hierarchy of like what the family
Speaker 1: system and dynamic is and who deserves what based off
Speaker 1: of that. The the hierarchy in the dynamic often determines
Speaker 1: who gets to do the violating. What I'm saying if
Speaker 1: I fall that, but the way you said it was perfect.
Speaker 1: When people fall higher on that hierarchy of family, they
Speaker 1: feel like they can violate people and it's just like,
Speaker 1: well I'm an aunt, it's just yeah, and it's just
Speaker 1: whatever it is I can just I can then disrespect
Speaker 1: you because I'm your aunt, I'm your you know whoever,
Speaker 1: whoever the case may be, We we doing that no more.
Speaker 1: Protect your peace at the end of the day, and
Speaker 1: just realize that the same way you would no longer
Speaker 1: be in a friendship with someone because they do some
Speaker 1: funked up ship, the same way that you will leave
Speaker 1: a job because that environment is a toxic environment. I
Speaker 1: feel like you can use your discretion the family accordingly. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: It's just where we're at with things nowadays, y'all. So
Speaker 1: be sure to find us on social media at dead
Speaker 1: ask the podcast and you know where to find me. Codeine,
Speaker 1: I am not codinum, codeine, I am and I am devoted.
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review,
Speaker 1: and subscribe to share this episode with a family member
Speaker 1: that might need to get the picture. Don't be afraid
Speaker 1: to share these episodes, y'all, and let people just tune
Speaker 1: in and chiming, put it in their family group chats,
Speaker 1: you know, and all that stuff, so people could be like, oh, Okay,
Speaker 1: maybe this might be worth starting a conversation or discussion
Speaker 1: to see where it goes from there. Dead as dead
Speaker 1: Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network
Speaker 1: and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the Podcasts and Never
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