1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,920 Speaker 1: You know, when you grow up, you realize that all 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:10,520 Speaker 1: the adults in your family are just big ass kids 3 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:16,319 Speaker 1: more or less. And I've realized that the folks that 4 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,919 Speaker 1: I once had on some sort of pedestal as a 5 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: child off. But Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. 6 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,640 Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our 7 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, 8 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. And one 9 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We 10 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's 11 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,319 Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk 12 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead 13 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,840 Speaker 1: As is the term that we say every day. So 14 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:58,800 Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, 15 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about 16 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 1: to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead 17 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: Ass starts right now. This is not even really so 18 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 1: much of the story time, but it's more like a revelation. 19 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 1: I'll take a revelation today. I'm choosing not to out 20 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:27,880 Speaker 1: people in my family, but throughout my life. You grow 21 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: up and you realize that there's certain people that like 22 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: stay away from the family, and the family tends to 23 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 1: make that person seem like they are the problems. Until 24 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: you become an adult and you start to just look 25 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: around reading the room. Well you look at you look 26 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 1: at your parents, you look at your grandparents, look at 27 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:06,640 Speaker 1: your uncle's. You start to say, you know what, that 28 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,079 Speaker 1: ain't crazy. You know what I'm saying? Like that that 29 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 1: that that that that person right there ain't crazy, you 30 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,639 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And out of out of respect 31 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 1: for my family and people's privacy, I'm not gonna say 32 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:25,839 Speaker 1: name and stuff like that. But growing up, especially being 33 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:30,200 Speaker 1: in the church environment, you start to see people leave 34 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: the church, and they always made it seem like that 35 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 1: person was cast out of the church and it's no 36 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:43,240 Speaker 1: longer accepted into the church family. Until you becoming right 37 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: and you and you start to realize, like, aha, you 38 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,440 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, that person left on their own 39 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: free will. And you start to look at the people 40 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,200 Speaker 1: around you that you grew up admiring and like you said, 41 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 1: put on the pedestal, and you start to ask questions, 42 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,399 Speaker 1: what is going on aroun on here? Let's talk about it. 43 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 1: I don't mess with you. You're stupid bitch. That's how 44 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 1: people be feeling dinner with families though, every time they 45 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 1: see a family member and they in their mind that's 46 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 1: what they'd be thinking with facts, right, that's what people 47 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 1: we want to say. They're walk into the house with Thanksgiving, 48 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:30,400 Speaker 1: what's upbounds everybody? They see that person. Stupid as bit you, 49 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 1: But I gotta deal with you for the next two 50 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,640 Speaker 1: or three hours. Let me get this real talk. That 51 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 1: was a great karaoke song because I know people we 52 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 1: had their family reunions and they feel the events and 53 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,240 Speaker 1: just that's that's going times. Man, it just is what 54 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: it is. And I didn't want to go, yeah, we 55 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 1: don't know kind of volga for someone we had the 56 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: little eve. When you see our podcast, you know we're 57 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,840 Speaker 1: gonna drop a little cuss where and again we're trying 58 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: to cut back, though. We're trying to cut back because 59 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: our kids gonna listen to this at some point. I 60 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 1: don't want them to be like, oh that note, Let's 61 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: take a quick break and then we're gonna come back 62 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: with them meat at the show. So yeah, back the 63 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,719 Speaker 1: story of time. I want to say that I can 64 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: relate to you in that and going back to my 65 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: sound bite, Um, it's just crazy. As a child, you 66 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: you look up to and you admire certain individuals around you, 67 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 1: and some of them are are you know, family aunt's uncles. 68 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 1: Some of them are what you call like your play family. 69 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,080 Speaker 1: You know, that cousin or that extended friend um of 70 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,839 Speaker 1: the family that you call aunt or uncle because you 71 00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 1: know they've been around and stuff. Um. But you start 72 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 1: to realize as you get older that people are human 73 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 1: beings first and foremost, and one thing human beings are 74 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 1: gonna do is be human. And it's then up to 75 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 1: you to kind of decipher whether or not this is 76 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 1: somebody you want to continue to engage with. Now, I 77 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: was raised to respect my elders, regardless of who the 78 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 1: person is, um, what capacity there in the family or 79 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:17,040 Speaker 1: around the family, regardless of that capacity. That's the way 80 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,039 Speaker 1: I was always raised UM. And that's something that I 81 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: still continue to practice to this day, even in my 82 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,160 Speaker 1: old age, because it's something that again I feel like 83 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 1: my mom or dad might knock me upside my head 84 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 1: for if I were to disrespect, you know, outrightly as 85 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 1: someone who was older than me. However, I've now become 86 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,919 Speaker 1: a part of a school where I feel like people 87 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: need to be held accountable for their actions. And I 88 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 1: also feel like I'm adult enough to make the decision 89 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:49,960 Speaker 1: to remove myself from interaction or engagement with someone who 90 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:54,320 Speaker 1: I feel like does not UM, someone who is not 91 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 1: contributing healthily to my growth a person or individual, or 92 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 1: to the growth and health of other people around who 93 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 1: I may love. UM. So that being said, although it's 94 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:14,479 Speaker 1: very much against probably the way I was raised, I 95 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: feel like it's in my best interests to decide who 96 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,200 Speaker 1: I continue to engage with and in what capacity. You know, 97 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: we're not our grandparents generation anymore. We don't believe that 98 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:31,200 Speaker 1: silence serves us anymore. And we grew up being told 99 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: to respect your elders without really being allowed to expect 100 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: that respect to be mutual. E Can we talk about 101 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 1: that a little bit though, Yeah, the whole respecting your 102 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 1: elders things. UM. Even when I was a kid, I 103 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 1: always kind of felt like, you don't just get respect 104 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:51,239 Speaker 1: because you're an elder. People don't agree with that. People 105 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,039 Speaker 1: don't agree with that, But I know some old people 106 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And I've learned in my 107 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:02,479 Speaker 1: life that, Um, it doesn't matter how old you are, 108 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: you are never too old to get cut off. You 109 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, because I'm not even the thing 110 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,280 Speaker 1: where you need to get disrespected, because I'm not even 111 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: for that no disrespect. You're not getting anything from me. 112 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: It's the not getting any energy at all. And what 113 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: used to bother me, especially in my house, is my 114 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: mom would be like, call someone so, or go give 115 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: someone so well hug or did you speak to someone so? 116 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,880 Speaker 1: And growing up early in my childhood, I used to 117 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 1: fall in line with calling someone so. But as I 118 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 1: became an adult and even though my mom said did 119 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 1: you call someone so, I'd be like no, like straight no, 120 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: like no, I'm not calling someone so. Someone so was 121 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,480 Speaker 1: an asshole, you know what I'm saying, Like like, and 122 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not doing that to my kids. 123 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: From young right, my mom used to do the same 124 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 1: thing to like, oh did you call this person? Did 125 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: you call that person? And I think her mindset was 126 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: that these are your family mercy, yes, and you want 127 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,680 Speaker 1: to have a relationship or she wanted us to have 128 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,600 Speaker 1: a relationship with said family member, but she also wanted 129 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 1: it to be a thing whereas we continue to grow 130 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: over the years and you need support for something, or 131 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 1: you needed help with something, or you needed that person 132 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 1: as a resource, that you're just not waiting until you 133 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 1: need something to call someone. Absolutely, so that was her mindset. 134 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: She was like, you know, I just don't want it 135 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: to be a thing where you guys just out of 136 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: the clear boo, I have to call somebody in this 137 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: Because you want something, you should have a relationship where 138 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,080 Speaker 1: you feel confordable about asking for it or ask obscore 139 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,320 Speaker 1: a resource or asking for a referral because you have 140 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: a relationship with that person. But this is what this 141 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 1: is what I challenged that I thought right growing up 142 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,199 Speaker 1: in my house it was your child. You should reach 143 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 1: out and call soon. So that person is a grown 144 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: ass adult, they should be utilizing their emotional maturity to 145 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: build a relationship with me as a child. It doesn't 146 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 1: have to be one way. You know, you're an adult 147 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 1: and you want to have a relationship with a child, 148 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 1: you should reach out to that person and talk to them. 149 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: But more and more often than that, adults often take 150 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:02,640 Speaker 1: advantage of children, especially in the family environment, because they 151 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 1: know people will listen to me more than they listened 152 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 1: to the child. And that's scary for children. And that's 153 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 1: a lot a lot of times while even back in 154 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 1: the day, children didn't speak about the traumas and the 155 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 1: abuse that they went through because it's like, no one's 156 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 1: gonna believe me that person is an adult. You understand 157 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,600 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And if you look at history, that's 158 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 1: part of the reason why the vast majority of the 159 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 1: world today is so broken and filled with so much hurt, 160 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 1: because all of these people were once children who were 161 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:35,360 Speaker 1: being hurt, who no one wanted to listen to. I'm 162 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: not willing to do that with my children, No, I completely, 163 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,600 Speaker 1: I completely agree with you that this happened, um, you know, 164 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,439 Speaker 1: along with some family lines of mine, you know, a 165 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: little distant, but still um the fact where these you know, 166 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:53,360 Speaker 1: instances had happened between children and adults, and the children 167 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,600 Speaker 1: were not listen to, you know, and then once these 168 00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 1: children now were adults and decided to out said family 169 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,559 Speaker 1: member or decided that, you know what, I'm not working 170 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: with this family member no more. It's almost like, oh 171 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,680 Speaker 1: my god, how dare you ruffle these feathers or they 172 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 1: they they they take offense to the way it's it's 173 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: put out there. So some people they want to express 174 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,199 Speaker 1: themselves on social media, for example, and they want to 175 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: out that family member that way. Or they may wait 176 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,439 Speaker 1: till there's a family event and they want to turn 177 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,840 Speaker 1: up at a family event and say, you know what, 178 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 1: I'm leaving this event because this person is here and 179 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,520 Speaker 1: this happens to me when I was younger. And um, 180 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,200 Speaker 1: then again, that child who is now the adult is 181 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: still being shunned in a sense. Um, So where does 182 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 1: it ever end? You know, where does it ever end? So? Yeah, 183 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,280 Speaker 1: we're taught that blood is thicker than water, and but 184 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:44,239 Speaker 1: you can't choose who shares your blood. The obligations sometimes 185 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: in bold family members to treat you. Um. And how 186 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: many times have we had that person that comes by 187 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,120 Speaker 1: and it's just like, oh, such and such has to 188 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,880 Speaker 1: come by because their family good and well and nother 189 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: body want them to be there, you know. Um, So 190 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 1: at what points do we decide enough is enough? When 191 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 1: do we decide that that blood is not think enough 192 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,360 Speaker 1: of a reason to stay in these toxic relationships? So 193 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 1: two thousand and fifteen U studies showed that more than 194 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:13,040 Speaker 1: forty of individuals had experienced family estrangement at one point 195 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: in their life. I figured it would have been higher. 196 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,680 Speaker 1: There's other people that come people off and they didn't 197 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: even know they were cut off. Um. The historian UH 198 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: Stephen Mints, the author of Rux's raft, A History of 199 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:34,120 Speaker 1: American Childhood, did I say sorry? Huck's raft um a 200 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: History of American Childhood, made a similar observation in an 201 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: email that said, families in the past fought over tangible 202 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:46,319 Speaker 1: resources like land, inheritance, um, family property, and they still do. 203 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: But this is all but all this is aggravated and 204 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 1: intensified by the mindset that does seem to be distinctive 205 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:58,440 Speaker 1: of our time. Our conflicts are often psychological rather than material, 206 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 1: and therefore even harder to resolve. So we fighting over 207 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: land or whatnot. We're fighting over people's behaviors, feelings and feelings. 208 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,199 Speaker 1: This is one thing that you uhould trip me out 209 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 1: about adults. You would be trying to express yourself as 210 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 1: a child. And I hated hearing this. You are a child? 211 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 1: What does that mean I don't have feelings or you 212 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,920 Speaker 1: get to just say or do whatever you want to 213 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: say to me or do to me because I'm a child. 214 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,040 Speaker 1: I used to hate that, even with my my my parents, 215 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 1: You say that to me about your child? Your child? 216 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 1: What does that mean? I mean, I don't have an opinion. 217 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,080 Speaker 1: That means that when you say stuff to me, if 218 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 1: it hurts my feelings, I'm not supposed to express it 219 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 1: at all. And I used to get in such big trouble. 220 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:40,480 Speaker 1: I can see how that's a big issue for you, 221 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: as expressive as you are now. Do you think that's 222 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,360 Speaker 1: in part because do you think that you're you over 223 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 1: could not I want to say overcommunicate, but you're as 224 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,360 Speaker 1: willing to communicate and express your feelings now because it's 225 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,319 Speaker 1: something that you had to suppress as a child. Or 226 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,880 Speaker 1: do you feel like you've always been that person that 227 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: wanted to just express how you felt, but you had 228 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: to be silence in a sense as a child. This 229 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: this is a moment where I'm going to imploy up 230 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: my parents because my mom always expressed me, always empowered 231 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,080 Speaker 1: me to express myself, right, so did my father. Won't 232 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,200 Speaker 1: you say how you feel? The only time it became 233 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 1: an issue was when I expressed things that they did 234 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 1: not agree with. It wasn't in line with what they 235 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 1: were trying to do. Then it was your attitude things. 236 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: So to me, it was like, you empowered me to 237 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: express myself as long as I agree with everything you say. 238 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,760 Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, so then it became right right. 239 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,480 Speaker 1: So then they became a thing well, and even my 240 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: father used to go back and forth. I said, so 241 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:34,640 Speaker 1: the minute I don't agree with what you believe, I 242 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: don't have a voice in the house anymore. And then 243 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,679 Speaker 1: what used to happen was because my parents empowered me. 244 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,679 Speaker 1: I had aunt and uncles who were also disciplinarians, and 245 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: if I did not agree with their form of discipline 246 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,559 Speaker 1: or what they were trying to discipline me about, I 247 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: used to speak on it. And I remember hearing them 248 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: say to my parents, you know the problems you let 249 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,480 Speaker 1: him talk too much because he used to allow aunt 250 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,200 Speaker 1: and uncles to discipline you in a certain yes, yes, 251 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,559 Speaker 1: and as I think most people do. My family, and 252 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: that did not spare the rod like Nia's got. They asked, 253 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:08,119 Speaker 1: whooped like country down South South, you know South Carolina 254 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,480 Speaker 1: Baptist parenting. Was you spoiled? You spare the rod? You 255 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: spoil the child? You know my grandmother, I asked her 256 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 1: when I was a little bit older, like, yeo, why 257 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,520 Speaker 1: did you hit us so much? And her mindset was 258 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: that she grew up in a time. She grew up 259 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:27,240 Speaker 1: in Orangeburg, South Carolina, in the twenties, thirties, forties, and 260 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 1: you you didn't survive if you didn't stay in line. 261 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: This was during the time and what we're talking about 262 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 1: before Jim Crow South during UM, like right after reconstruction, 263 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 1: right after the Great Depression, where black people were murdered 264 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: for looking at what white people in the wrong way. 265 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: You know, little black girls were raped for for showing 266 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: eye contact with an older white male or even older 267 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,360 Speaker 1: black male. So for her, it was I was doing 268 00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 1: everything to keep you in line so that you could 269 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 1: survive when you were here with us. So it was 270 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: a survival tactic. It wasn't because she necessarily wanted. On 271 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:10,000 Speaker 1: top of that, think about this, when we freed the slaves, 272 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,600 Speaker 1: did anyone think about mental health for the slaves? Right 273 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: when we were dealing with reconstruction and there was redlining 274 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,680 Speaker 1: that what we're dealing with mental health from all of 275 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: these families who were separated and forced to live in 276 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,000 Speaker 1: ghettos because they after the Great Depression, they created UM 277 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 1: all of these nice neighborhoods for suburban white areas and 278 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 1: then told contractors not to build for black right, So 279 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 1: did we deal with the mental anguish that went into that? 280 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: And if we did have our own it, it was 281 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,640 Speaker 1: burned down. Do you see what I'm saying. So now 282 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:43,800 Speaker 1: these people who were murdered, massacre, tormented for hundreds of years, 283 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 1: Now we're free. Right, Then we get into Jim Crow 284 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,320 Speaker 1: South and we have to deal with segregation and lynchings 285 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,360 Speaker 1: becoming a thing of American history. People used and this 286 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,920 Speaker 1: is this is what I think a lot of people 287 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: don't understand. Lynchings were so prominent in America that they 288 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 1: used to celebrate picnics by hanging a black person, burning them, 289 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 1: cutting off the genitals and ears and stuff, and people 290 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 1: would have picnics around that black body. Right, did we 291 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: ever have any mental health for those black people who 292 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: survived that? No? Right, But that was my family from 293 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: the South who then raised children without dealing with any 294 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:22,200 Speaker 1: of that trauma. So they raised children thinking about survival. 295 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 1: My grandmother was, I mean, we used to get beat 296 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: with fly swatters, belts, sticks, slippers, and that was just 297 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,760 Speaker 1: that all to scare you to stay in line so 298 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 1: that you wouldn't act out. I mean, you were all boys. 299 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 1: It was all boys, Me and my cousin Davan, my 300 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,840 Speaker 1: my brother Brian. We would be in Tennessee and she 301 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: had white carpet in the kitchen. My grandmother, my grandmother 302 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 1: was fly mothers And this is not I love my 303 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,920 Speaker 1: grandmother death. Everything she did for was for us and 304 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,360 Speaker 1: for our survival. So this is not like a bash 305 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,840 Speaker 1: my grandmother's session. But it was just you get older, 306 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: you understand why I thinks were right. And we would 307 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,640 Speaker 1: be at the table and she would say, sit down 308 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,720 Speaker 1: and eat, don't play around. We're being boys, playing around, 309 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,800 Speaker 1: throwing stuff. You spill juice, right, you get your ass whooped. 310 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,120 Speaker 1: So think about that. You're doing what a kid does. 311 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,920 Speaker 1: You're playing and you spill juice and you get beat 312 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:21,400 Speaker 1: for it. Right, that's toxic behavior. Like I understand where 313 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,760 Speaker 1: she was coming from, but realistically that's very very toxic behavior. 314 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,600 Speaker 1: Right then, all her children were raised the same way, 315 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,199 Speaker 1: and they raised their children the same way. As I 316 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,320 Speaker 1: got older and you become more educated on the history 317 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:34,920 Speaker 1: and you come more educated on on you know, how 318 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 1: we deal with children, you start to say, I don't 319 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,440 Speaker 1: have to like, you don't gotta beat me for doing 320 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: you know, doing certain things, and I noticed in our 321 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,200 Speaker 1: generation we start to speak up about it, and that's 322 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,640 Speaker 1: when you start to look around and realize how toxic 323 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: your family is because none of those deep rooted issues 324 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 1: were ever dealt with from years and years of general 325 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 1: rational traumas being passed out. Absolutely, that's why I applaud 326 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,400 Speaker 1: our generation for starting to question so many things. Now 327 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,920 Speaker 1: you're starting to kind of go against the grain. And 328 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: the older generations may look at us as being the 329 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 1: disrespectful generation, But at what costs? Like or is this 330 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,119 Speaker 1: something that we're going to continue to do? We were 331 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: raised in a school system where corporal punishment was assigned off. 332 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 1: Both of us went to a private school when we 333 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:31,520 Speaker 1: were younger, where our parents within the registration packet signed 334 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: off on corporal punishment as that being something that was 335 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,240 Speaker 1: a means of discipline and it was at the discretion 336 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: of the teacher or the principle or the assistant principle. 337 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: Can you imagine if we were living in that kind 338 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:48,920 Speaker 1: of society to this when we would walk into being 339 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:53,000 Speaker 1: Baptist Academy and you could tell if a teacher was 340 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: having a bad day, like just about coming from home, 341 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 1: like the day hasn't started yet. Come into the day 342 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 1: having a bad day, and we'd be online, you know, 343 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 1: getting ready to go into the trailers that we went into, 344 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,880 Speaker 1: and kids are being kids dancing. I told you stop 345 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 1: moving on to some with kids are dancing, joking around. 346 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,320 Speaker 1: Then you just get beat with a ruler wrapped in 347 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 1: duct tape for for being a kid and moving once again, 348 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 1: toxic behavior passed and now where the age world, we 349 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,879 Speaker 1: can disconnect from that stuff. So I don't even have 350 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 1: to explain to you. I can just be like, yeah, 351 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,640 Speaker 1: not dealing with that's crazy because when that was done, 352 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,680 Speaker 1: I feel like it was done too with a form 353 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,960 Speaker 1: of love, you know what I mean, absolutely does love, 354 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,240 Speaker 1: Like even at Bethlehem Academy, had such a great stint 355 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,119 Speaker 1: there at that school, and that's not the first thing 356 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,960 Speaker 1: that comes to mind when I think of my time there. However, 357 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,959 Speaker 1: it was done all with the mindset that we were 358 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,720 Speaker 1: trying to raise these boys and girls to be law 359 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 1: biden citizens who can assimilate into society and be well 360 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,880 Speaker 1: behaved and not ruffle feathers and do everything that they're 361 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: supposed to do, which is just so completely different now 362 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,760 Speaker 1: with the way we pair our children for example, just 363 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: even talking about the giving our children a voice, like saying, Okay, 364 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,200 Speaker 1: this is the elder you you should not speak back 365 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: where you should not have an opinion. That's completely opposite 366 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 1: of what we're doing with our children. We encourage so 367 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 1: much dialogue. We are apologizing now as parents if we 368 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,400 Speaker 1: feel like we do something that may not have been 369 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: the right decision, or in retrospect we decide, you know what, 370 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 1: I shouldn't have dealt with this that way. How many 371 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: times if we have apologized to our children for things 372 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 1: like that, you know, and I think that's just part 373 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,320 Speaker 1: of being a conscious parent now in this day and age, 374 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:34,040 Speaker 1: trying to break those cycles. I also feel that it's 375 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,480 Speaker 1: important for us to talk about that generation that had 376 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,040 Speaker 1: to deal with all of those traumas are the reason 377 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 1: why we're able to have the freedom to live the 378 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: way we live now. For sure, you see what I'm saying, 379 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: So once again, not shaming the older generation for the 380 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: way they did, but understanding that we wouldn't have been 381 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: able to get to this point if it were weren't 382 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,760 Speaker 1: for those parameters in the fifties, sixties, and seventies. Being 383 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: a freethinking black person, especially black male during that time 384 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 1: will get you murdered. Right. So when my grandmother when 385 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: we used to ask questions or talk back, she was 386 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:13,040 Speaker 1: not having that like any talk back when you get hit. 387 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 1: And what it does is it does it does stunt 388 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:20,199 Speaker 1: your growth as a child adolescent when it comes to 389 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 1: thinking freely. But they weren't. They didn't care about growth 390 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 1: at that point, you know, no one. It was survival. 391 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,919 Speaker 1: It really was survival. And we have to take that 392 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 1: into account when we think about toxic family members, because ultimately, 393 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,360 Speaker 1: removing toxicity does the word that you and I have created. 394 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: We created that three years ago. I don't know if 395 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: you remember that, but removing toxicity from a family takes 396 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: free thinking and it takes um the allowance of people 397 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 1: to think freely. And I think within toxic families, the 398 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:54,400 Speaker 1: number one toxic part of the family is the control 399 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: aspect of not allowing people to think freely. So if 400 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: you think anything other than then what the family thinks, 401 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 1: and then you become you become the rebel in the family. 402 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,200 Speaker 1: You become the black sheep of the family. You're going 403 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,480 Speaker 1: against the grain, you're the disgrace that usually become labeled that. 404 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: But then we usually see that these black sheep and 405 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,320 Speaker 1: said rebel tend to be some of the happier people 406 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,080 Speaker 1: when you look at their lives outside of the family dynamic, 407 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,800 Speaker 1: they're flourishing, and flourishing may just be that they simply 408 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,239 Speaker 1: feel like they can exist in the space where they 409 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,840 Speaker 1: don't have to deal with the toxicity anymore. So they're 410 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,040 Speaker 1: free to do whatever they want and they can live 411 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:37,560 Speaker 1: and be happy without having to pander to other family members. 412 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:41,680 Speaker 1: That ultimately, when you really look at it, does it 413 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:46,560 Speaker 1: really matter? It depends? That was a good question. Doesn't 414 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 1: really matter? Does it really matter? Doesn't really matter? Is 415 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: a great question because if family is important to you, 416 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:56,680 Speaker 1: and your family name matters to you, then it is important. 417 00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,639 Speaker 1: But what you're not trying to carry on in this 418 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,639 Speaker 1: family the name, it's toxic behavior. And that's the point. 419 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,440 Speaker 1: You know, if your family is not about being toxic, 420 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,880 Speaker 1: and your family has a heritage, right or they gain 421 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,280 Speaker 1: access to things through a toxic manner, of course you 422 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,119 Speaker 1: don't want to carry that on. But the successes of 423 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 1: being a part of that family you do want to 424 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,480 Speaker 1: carry on, right Like for example, here, let's let's let's 425 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,679 Speaker 1: look at some of the reasons people cut ties with family. 426 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,720 Speaker 1: Researchers show the most common reasons people cut ties with 427 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:29,600 Speaker 1: family include sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect, poor parenting, betrayal, 428 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:35,120 Speaker 1: drug abuse, disagreements often related to romantic relationships, politics, homophobia, 429 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,879 Speaker 1: and issues related to money, inheritance or business, physical or 430 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,200 Speaker 1: mental health problems. Right, all of these things, the core 431 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:46,239 Speaker 1: thing that I noticed here is a basis of control. Right. So, 432 00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:49,760 Speaker 1: for example, sexual physical, or emotional abuse, that's a form 433 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,520 Speaker 1: of control. Right. If a family is run a certain 434 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 1: way where certain people in the family get to do 435 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,159 Speaker 1: things to other members of the family, right as a 436 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,280 Speaker 1: form of control. If you realize that this is wrong, 437 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,439 Speaker 1: and you start saying, hey, this is wrong, that's when 438 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:05,800 Speaker 1: they say we need to get him out of the 439 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: family because he's he's now compromising that control that we have. 440 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 1: That right, then you look at poor parenting. Typically, poor 441 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:19,640 Speaker 1: parenting comes from you learning poor parenting techniques from those parents, right. 442 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 1: And if you're smart enough to realize that, you know what, 443 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 1: I don't think I want to exist in this type 444 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 1: of poor parenting, that's when they start to say, what 445 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,399 Speaker 1: I got to get out of here. He or she 446 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: is the black sheep. They don't fall in line with 447 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,000 Speaker 1: what we're trying to get moving, right, This next one betrayal. 448 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: Betrayal is typically what the toxic people in the family 449 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 1: members use as a way to make you feel guilty, 450 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 1: the form of manipulation. They always say this, right, how 451 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,200 Speaker 1: could you go against the family? Remember when he was 452 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:56,440 Speaker 1: watching the same thing, going against the family, and it 453 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,680 Speaker 1: seems like going against a family in what terms? Well, 454 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,359 Speaker 1: also going against the family who was just ultimately fucked up. 455 00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:03,320 Speaker 1: But what they're doing, so you're gonna go against what 456 00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:05,560 Speaker 1: you're doing because you're don't realize how it's messed up. 457 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 1: But they use that family term as a way to 458 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 1: make you feel guilty about not falling in line with 459 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,439 Speaker 1: the controlled things that they've put in place to stop 460 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,480 Speaker 1: you from being a free thinker. Right. This next one 461 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: drug abuse. Typically people fall into drug abuse or alcoholism 462 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,080 Speaker 1: rather than it being just an addiction. Right. Typically they 463 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,639 Speaker 1: fall into this when they're tired of dealing with the 464 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:32,160 Speaker 1: control and they want what escapeism, right, They want an escape. 465 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,320 Speaker 1: So it's like, you know what, I'm tired of dealing 466 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,080 Speaker 1: with this. I know that it's wrong, but rather than 467 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: me be the black sheep of the family let me 468 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,720 Speaker 1: self medicate using other means. Well, yeah, I think about 469 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,840 Speaker 1: that family member that's already drunk when they get to 470 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,119 Speaker 1: the family function, because it's like the only way I'm 471 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:49,439 Speaker 1: gonna get through this family dinner, and the only way 472 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,960 Speaker 1: I'm gonna get through this Christmas night is if I 473 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 1: have a couple of drinks before we're having to deal 474 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 1: with these people. I'm gonna show up because it's family, 475 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,200 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna show up. But okay, I'm gonna toast. 476 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,360 Speaker 1: That's a lot, yo. This is what's funny. I tell 477 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 1: y'all a real funny. That's that's not a story, but 478 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,960 Speaker 1: a funny moment. Right. Kadine and I when we both 479 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 1: started dating and started like introducing each other to each 480 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: other's families, I remember both of us having this like Okay, 481 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,679 Speaker 1: well this, this person in the family is the and 482 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,879 Speaker 1: it's like you feel like your family is the only 483 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,800 Speaker 1: family in the world who deals with this. Then when 484 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,960 Speaker 1: you meet the person you're dating his family and you're like, 485 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 1: wait a minute, y'all done one of those exactly your 486 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:32,760 Speaker 1: family know that. You're like, okay, well then this it's 487 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 1: just what we're all dealing with. Your family goes through 488 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: and you know what I'm saying, your family goes through this, 489 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 1: or y'll don't talk to that hunt or this uncle 490 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,199 Speaker 1: crazync been locked up. You know what I'm saying, Like, 491 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,400 Speaker 1: it's we've all gone through that with our families. But 492 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,159 Speaker 1: the funny thing about toxic family members is that we 493 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,360 Speaker 1: all try to keep it hush and act like everybody 494 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 1: in our family is perfect. That's the most annoying thing 495 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,000 Speaker 1: to me, to me at least, because I'm like, and 496 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,639 Speaker 1: then it's the it's the acting as if you're perfect, 497 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,480 Speaker 1: but then quick to find fault with everybody else, absolutely, 498 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,840 Speaker 1: like always great to find support with somebody else. That's 499 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,479 Speaker 1: the part that always gets me. So it's, yeah, you know, 500 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,480 Speaker 1: it's funny when we talk about family members and us 501 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:16,639 Speaker 1: trying to find ways to deal with our family, right 502 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:21,200 Speaker 1: and in the black community, we've never looked at professional 503 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,359 Speaker 1: help as a way. Right in our family, it was 504 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: did you speak to your pastor? You know, and pastors 505 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,359 Speaker 1: don't go to school for psychology. You know, they go 506 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,159 Speaker 1: to school for theology. You know, they understand the Bible, 507 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean that they understand human behavior. Some 508 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,639 Speaker 1: pastors are better at it than others. But they're not 509 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 1: trained or they haven't learned human behavior to the point 510 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 1: where they can diagnose and help a family. Some can 511 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: because you don't need to be you know, a psyche, 512 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,800 Speaker 1: you know, a psychological major to do that. But I 513 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,880 Speaker 1: feel like our ways of dealing with issues in our 514 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,800 Speaker 1: community have not been working. No. I mean I feel 515 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,159 Speaker 1: like within my family, at least, um, there would be 516 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,919 Speaker 1: no let's talk to the pastor or let's talk to 517 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,400 Speaker 1: this person. There's just let's not talk about it at all, which, 518 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,480 Speaker 1: in turn, I think is an even bigger issue. So 519 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,800 Speaker 1: it's not even that you see that there's an issue 520 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,359 Speaker 1: and you're trying to seek the help. It's that we 521 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:17,160 Speaker 1: don't have an issue, they have an issue or y'all 522 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,880 Speaker 1: have an issue because we're fine over here when we're 523 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:22,920 Speaker 1: just like, no, you're not, though, like this is not 524 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,320 Speaker 1: like things aren't okay. So I've always said how I've 525 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: come from a family line of just not really having 526 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:32,679 Speaker 1: conversations and communicating in any of that, um, and in 527 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,800 Speaker 1: me trying to reverse that or change the pattern and 528 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: be vocal. Um. I've been more vocal with my family 529 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,440 Speaker 1: with various things. UM. But I've also reached a point 530 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:44,959 Speaker 1: to where I just kind of feel like some of 531 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,680 Speaker 1: the energy that I would spend having those conversations that 532 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 1: when is it okay, because it's what let's get to 533 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,200 Speaker 1: what we were talking about. When is it okay to 534 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: say okay, y'all got to be cut off? Oh so, 535 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:03,800 Speaker 1: I mean me personally, I it when dealing with family members. 536 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:06,680 Speaker 1: UM Like I was just saying, there comes a point 537 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: where it's just like, okay, we can have this conversation 538 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:10,920 Speaker 1: if you guys are willing to have the conversation. But 539 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,000 Speaker 1: then you have family members that want to exist as 540 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: if there is no problem, and then they constantly feel 541 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,120 Speaker 1: as if you're attacking them if you decide to voice 542 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:23,200 Speaker 1: said concern. I no longer have the energy to invest 543 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: in people who don't feel like they have an issue, 544 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 1: or don't feel like they have a problem, or just 545 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,560 Speaker 1: are okay with existing in a space where they're being 546 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:35,560 Speaker 1: inconsiderate of others feelings. And I have chosen to just say, 547 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 1: you know what the value of this relationship in this 548 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:42,800 Speaker 1: moment for me, is it going to make or break 549 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,440 Speaker 1: me as an individual for the rest of my life? 550 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: UM is pulling away from this relationship going to enrich 551 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 1: or not enrich my life anymore. I can decide at 552 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: that moment, you know what, I can invest more time 553 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 1: into the areas of my life with people who do 554 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,640 Speaker 1: check for me or the people who do have a 555 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,960 Speaker 1: genuine relationship with me. And I feel like if I 556 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 1: have to constantly question if this person is genuine or not, 557 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:09,760 Speaker 1: then it's not genuine. And then it's time. Have you 558 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 1: cut family members off? I have, I have. I don't 559 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,680 Speaker 1: know if they know they're cut off, but well, I mean, 560 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,600 Speaker 1: at this point, it's just like, that's the best thing 561 00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:19,960 Speaker 1: about cutting someone off. You're not at the airport, you 562 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,240 Speaker 1: don't have to departure. I love that. I love that, 563 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,920 Speaker 1: And it's just kind of like what whatever happens to 564 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,040 Speaker 1: took it in and you know, it's great. We can 565 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,400 Speaker 1: be cordial, we can say hello. But in terms of 566 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:32,440 Speaker 1: me investing something in a relationship that I feel like 567 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 1: I'm getting no return out of. Why do you think 568 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:42,080 Speaker 1: do you think cutting family off can be counterproductive? I 569 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,880 Speaker 1: think it can be counterproductive if you feel like it's 570 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 1: something that continues to bother you and you feel like 571 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:52,000 Speaker 1: you haven't necessarily settled that story yet either, because it 572 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,320 Speaker 1: could be something that weighs on your mind and you're 573 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,800 Speaker 1: constantly having to to have it brought up, so you 574 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,120 Speaker 1: can constantly decide, like, you know what, I'm just no 575 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,200 Speaker 1: longer going to deal with this family member. But if 576 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 1: it's something that continues to rehash in your mind and 577 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,440 Speaker 1: you feel like you have to kind of get out 578 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 1: in the open and have this discussion with this person, 579 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: then you may have to announce your departure by having 580 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: conversation with them. So what you're saying is not talking 581 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: to a family member, and that family member is still 582 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:19,840 Speaker 1: on your mind and pisces you off. You haven't really 583 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:21,920 Speaker 1: cut them off. You haven't really because they exist rent 584 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,960 Speaker 1: free in your brain. Yes, that rent free existing. You 585 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:27,800 Speaker 1: can't cut someone off if you're constantly thinking about how 586 00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:29,960 Speaker 1: you cut that person off? Right, So how do you 587 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: get to that point where And it may not even 588 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:35,080 Speaker 1: be you thinking of that person, It may be other 589 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 1: family members that's just like, well, you know, sister, someone 590 00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,680 Speaker 1: SO said that they didn't hear from you in a while, 591 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,320 Speaker 1: or because if someone SO is doing this again, oh 592 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:47,000 Speaker 1: can you believe it? And you're just like, okay, I'll 593 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 1: keep bringing this person up. This person continuous to annoy me. 594 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,680 Speaker 1: So you may have to say to the other family members, 595 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:54,160 Speaker 1: stop talking to me about this person because I don't 596 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,320 Speaker 1: care anymore. Or you're gonna have to call a meeting 597 00:31:57,360 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 1: and be like, hey, let's all get this out in 598 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:00,840 Speaker 1: the open. And I'm very you're calling me and kind 599 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:02,680 Speaker 1: of person at this point in my life, so let's 600 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,640 Speaker 1: out everybody. So, so, how do you deal with the 601 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: family members who are typically the elders. We're constantly saying, 602 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:15,000 Speaker 1: you know, you need to call so and so. You 603 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: know so and so asked for you, right, and what 604 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,640 Speaker 1: do you say to them? Go check my Instagram page 605 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,760 Speaker 1: because see they can see how I'm doing, they can 606 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,320 Speaker 1: see how I'm living. Now I'm kidding, but no, I 607 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:28,000 Speaker 1: I have those conversations. I have had those conversations with 608 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:32,200 Speaker 1: other family members to say, hey, A, if they want 609 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:34,960 Speaker 1: to now be an adult and have the conversation with me, 610 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 1: they know where to find me. B I've also had 611 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 1: the conversation where I've had the conversation where it's like, 612 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,520 Speaker 1: I understand that's how you feel, and I respect the 613 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,800 Speaker 1: fact that that's how you feel, and you can continue 614 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:50,040 Speaker 1: to engage in that relationship with this person. However, I 615 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 1: don't feel like it's necessarily going to enrich my life 616 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:55,480 Speaker 1: anymore to continue that. I'm not going to be disrespectful, 617 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,040 Speaker 1: I'm not going to make a big scene. I'm not 618 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,040 Speaker 1: going to make a big think about it. But it 619 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,880 Speaker 1: just doesn't have to be something that I entertain and 620 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:07,720 Speaker 1: I'm just not going to do it. Wow. Yeah, that's 621 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:11,200 Speaker 1: where we're at with it now. No, I can just 622 00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:14,360 Speaker 1: invest so much more energy into people who I want 623 00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 1: to exist in energy and spaces with. I'm just not 624 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:23,320 Speaker 1: subscribing to the jargon of question for you, then, at 625 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:29,240 Speaker 1: what age will you allow our sons to say, Mommy, Daddy, 626 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to talk to that person no more. 627 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:33,560 Speaker 1: I don't think it's a particular age. I feel like 628 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,959 Speaker 1: our five year old could you can tell with children 629 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,480 Speaker 1: if they don't flex with somebody, you know how they 630 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:41,440 Speaker 1: say children and animals they take certain individuals for whatever reason. 631 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:43,600 Speaker 1: I don't think it's a particular age. But I think 632 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:45,240 Speaker 1: there can be just reason that we can listen to 633 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,400 Speaker 1: our children and say, hey, there has to be a 634 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,960 Speaker 1: reason why they may not want to mess with said adult, 635 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: And then it may require some further investigation to see 636 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,800 Speaker 1: if something had transpired that caused that. I just don't 637 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 1: think that it should just be oh, I'm not feeling 638 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,200 Speaker 1: this person in this moment, so let's cut them all off. 639 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 1: I think if there was a particular chain of events 640 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,000 Speaker 1: that made you feel differently, if there's a particular behavior 641 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,319 Speaker 1: that person exhibited that the person is now turned off 642 00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:10,520 Speaker 1: from or our child is turned off from, then I'm 643 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:13,320 Speaker 1: perfectly okay with saying, oh, okay, you have that personal 644 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:16,040 Speaker 1: right to decide who you do mess with and not 645 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 1: see for me, because kids are temperamental and they also 646 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,439 Speaker 1: watch behavior and just repeat behavior. Um, I would want 647 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:27,319 Speaker 1: my my children, my boys, to be able to eloquently 648 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,880 Speaker 1: articulate to me. You have to discuss why you do 649 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,000 Speaker 1: not like this person, absolutely if you if you're just 650 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,640 Speaker 1: saying I don't know, and that's not good enough teper 651 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:36,719 Speaker 1: to Because there's some people that come to visit who 652 00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:38,920 Speaker 1: are close family or friends that they run through the 653 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,960 Speaker 1: door and they're like, hey, such and such a him hugs, 654 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:42,960 Speaker 1: and then other days they're like, I don't want to 655 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,359 Speaker 1: give that person a hug, and we're just like, all right, well, 656 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,600 Speaker 1: you just may not feel like doing that in this moment. 657 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:51,600 Speaker 1: That's happened before too, you know. I mean when it 658 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: comes to the hugging stuff and in personal space, I'm 659 00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:56,640 Speaker 1: never pushing my kids to hug anybody. But I will 660 00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:59,759 Speaker 1: say this though, it is also toxic behavior for you 661 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:04,279 Speaker 1: to allow children to decide whether or not they want 662 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,000 Speaker 1: to speak to people based on how they feel in 663 00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,000 Speaker 1: the moment, because that's not how the real world works. 664 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,000 Speaker 1: Because when you grow up, you can't say, you know what, 665 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:11,560 Speaker 1: I ain't going to work. I'm not talking to my 666 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:14,720 Speaker 1: boss today. You can't. You have to just be cordial, 667 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,440 Speaker 1: say you're hellos. But does it require a full blown 668 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 1: conversation or a full blown relationship. Not necessarily. And you're right. 669 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,120 Speaker 1: Children are impressionable, and they may be exposed to how 670 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:27,200 Speaker 1: you deal with other families and feel like that enables 671 00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:31,279 Speaker 1: them to then be disrespectful. That's when that's not gonna happen. 672 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:34,120 Speaker 1: I'll tell you right now, because I know my father's 673 00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:36,200 Speaker 1: energy and my mom's energy right when I was a 674 00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:38,960 Speaker 1: kid growing up. If my father inflects with somebody, I 675 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:42,360 Speaker 1: could see in his energy inflects with that person. You 676 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:47,360 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, and exactly, But but here's the 677 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:50,400 Speaker 1: truth though, right if those two people have a personal beef, 678 00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:53,560 Speaker 1: but you don't even know if your parents your father 679 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:56,200 Speaker 1: was wrong wrong? Do you see what I'm saying? So 680 00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:59,160 Speaker 1: that that's why it's important to as a parent to 681 00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,319 Speaker 1: make sure that like, for example, why you know, if 682 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,279 Speaker 1: you ask your child why why don't you talk to someone? 683 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,920 Speaker 1: So well, you don't talk to him. You gotta kind 684 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: of check yourself at this point to be like, dang, 685 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,680 Speaker 1: what am I teaching? What? What bad behavior? And my 686 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,359 Speaker 1: teaching my son or daughter if I can't if they 687 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,399 Speaker 1: can't express to me why they don't talk to person 688 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:17,800 Speaker 1: other than the fact that I don't talk to them, 689 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 1: you understand what I'm saying. Do you subscribe to children 690 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:23,160 Speaker 1: respecting their elders regardless of Oh no, I already said 691 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,840 Speaker 1: that it's not about respecting the elder at that point, 692 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,960 Speaker 1: it's about being able to express to me that. This 693 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 1: goes back to once again, teaching children how to express 694 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:37,120 Speaker 1: their feelings and feeling comfortable thinking freely. You know, for example, Jackson, 695 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:40,239 Speaker 1: you know, hey, uh, Jackson, why you why you don't 696 00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,799 Speaker 1: talk to so and so? I don't know you don't 697 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,319 Speaker 1: talk to them? Okay, but why don't you talk to them. 698 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:49,879 Speaker 1: I have my reasons for not talking to them. Why 699 00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:52,319 Speaker 1: don't you talk to them? I don't know. I noticed 700 00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,560 Speaker 1: you don't talk to him. Well I don't talk to him. Well, buddy, 701 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 1: that's not that's not good enough. You know that person 702 00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,640 Speaker 1: may be a resource to you, that person may have 703 00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 1: your that's interested heart, that person may be great to you. 704 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:07,640 Speaker 1: You can't just follow fashion and say, well, if someone 705 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 1: so don't talk, I don't talk unless you can express 706 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:13,440 Speaker 1: there's a reason why, or you saw some him do 707 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:16,279 Speaker 1: something to me that turned you off. But if it's 708 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:19,120 Speaker 1: just my behavior, that's not good enough. And I think 709 00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:22,879 Speaker 1: that's also something toxic that happens in families. I'll say 710 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:26,000 Speaker 1: in my family in general, there was a generational beef 711 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,200 Speaker 1: between It was a beef between a generation and spilled 712 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 1: down into our generation, and then me and family in 713 00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:36,120 Speaker 1: my generation at that level didn't talk for years because 714 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:39,840 Speaker 1: do you know what I'm saying. And it wasn't until 715 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 1: we sat down and discussed, well, you did this and 716 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,000 Speaker 1: someone so did this, and then I was like, wait 717 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:47,359 Speaker 1: a minute, but that don't make sense, and that don't 718 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:48,719 Speaker 1: make sense. Then you start to look at it and 719 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:52,080 Speaker 1: say wow, we've been beefing for years over something that 720 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:54,440 Speaker 1: had nothing to do with us, and when we sit 721 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:57,759 Speaker 1: back and think about it, that beef was stupid too. Well, 722 00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,520 Speaker 1: that's why I'm a subscriber, for getting everybody in the 723 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:01,719 Speaker 1: room to other at one point you can all speak 724 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:04,440 Speaker 1: about it so it doesn't become a he said, she said, 725 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,239 Speaker 1: and I felt this because that person said, But it 726 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:08,040 Speaker 1: really didn't happen in that way. And a lot of 727 00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,160 Speaker 1: times we see how people will maneuver and navigate through 728 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:15,000 Speaker 1: a situation with a particular intention and it's not received 729 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:18,200 Speaker 1: that way. So your intention means nothing depending on how 730 00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:19,719 Speaker 1: it was received. And a lot of it can be 731 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:23,560 Speaker 1: just miscommunication, so it could be worth conversations some crazy 732 00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:31,280 Speaker 1: you need, some crazy of issues. Beefs, wars, um, divorces 733 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 1: start with miscommunication because it's it's never what you implied, 734 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:43,880 Speaker 1: it's how the person received whatever action you've done or 735 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:48,400 Speaker 1: verbal communication you gave across. And if you think about everything, 736 00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,040 Speaker 1: it's like once it's all the dust settles, well, you 737 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,520 Speaker 1: always hear this, well I thought you meant. Then does 738 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:57,400 Speaker 1: that mean you thought I meant we went to war? 739 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,560 Speaker 1: Because you thought I meant? Think about how dumb. That is, 740 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:05,160 Speaker 1: we didn't talk for years because I thought, you, man, 741 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,920 Speaker 1: this isn't. Part why I think Kadina and I have 742 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:12,040 Speaker 1: been able to thrive in our marriage more recently is 743 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:16,480 Speaker 1: because this is my best friend first. So with that 744 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,879 Speaker 1: being said, there's nothing we can't talk about. I feel 745 00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:23,200 Speaker 1: like when we first got married, um, there was a 746 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:26,279 Speaker 1: stigma where for me especially was that's my wife. You 747 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 1: don't talk to your wife about this, you know what 748 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,680 Speaker 1: I'm saying, or you would. You would think that all 749 00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,600 Speaker 1: my husband's never gonna understand. So I'm just gonna internalize 750 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:37,840 Speaker 1: this that we communicate, and then the communication will be 751 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,480 Speaker 1: pissed because it's like I'm not going to say that 752 00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:43,440 Speaker 1: because that's my wife. And then years ago by and 753 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,560 Speaker 1: you'd be like, well, I thought the whole time that 754 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:49,560 Speaker 1: this is what you felt. It wasn't until you were 755 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,080 Speaker 1: you were like, oh, I was doing all this for 756 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 1: us and for you, and I'm like, I didn't want 757 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,879 Speaker 1: that or asked for that, and you were bustingly asked 758 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,120 Speaker 1: to give me a when all along I was just 759 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:01,240 Speaker 1: hoping for be like, but think about you have friends 760 00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:04,839 Speaker 1: for long periods of time, why because there's nothing you 761 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:08,120 Speaker 1: can't talk to your friend about right. You can talk 762 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:11,040 Speaker 1: to your friend about anything right. Sometimes you just spots 763 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:13,879 Speaker 1: you can't. Sometimes with your family, it's the same thing. 764 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:17,719 Speaker 1: Don't talk to your mom about this because or as 765 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,399 Speaker 1: a mom, don't talk to your kids about this same 766 00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:23,040 Speaker 1: thing with aunts and uncles and cousins. I feel like 767 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: if we all approach every relationship as if this is 768 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,799 Speaker 1: a possibility to be a best friend and we have 769 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,840 Speaker 1: open lines of communication, will have less of this family 770 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,800 Speaker 1: drama and people getting cut off to that level of 771 00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:39,120 Speaker 1: accountability that people need to have it. I think they 772 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:41,279 Speaker 1: don't have, particularly elders, And I don't know if it's 773 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,359 Speaker 1: because it's a pride thing or if it's a thing 774 00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:47,080 Speaker 1: where they are not willing to admit mistake or admit 775 00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:50,160 Speaker 1: fault um as readily, and it can just be like 776 00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:53,560 Speaker 1: a person thing too. Um that I know has affected 777 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,520 Speaker 1: some family dynamics On my side, UM is people just 778 00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:59,640 Speaker 1: not being accountable for their actions and seeing how their 779 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,400 Speaker 1: actions could have hurt other individuals. You know what I 780 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:05,719 Speaker 1: call those grown toddlers. I know some people who are 781 00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,520 Speaker 1: grown toddlers. They'll have temperate tantrums and things don't go 782 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:10,600 Speaker 1: their way. And if they do something wrong, they just 783 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:14,840 Speaker 1: ignore that act like you never You're just supposed to 784 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,160 Speaker 1: like the wheels keep on just moving. And I wait 785 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,200 Speaker 1: a second, we definitely had a whole hat to be 786 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:22,160 Speaker 1: You're not going to acknowledge not acknowledge that right exactly? 787 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:23,840 Speaker 1: It is. No one's gonna talk about this elephant in 788 00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:26,880 Speaker 1: the room. Um, and I'm all for exposing elephants in 789 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,239 Speaker 1: the room now, so so I mean, no, this is 790 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:32,800 Speaker 1: actually interesting to hear you talk about this. So moving forward, 791 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:37,239 Speaker 1: when it comes to family, you're not against cutting off 792 00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:41,799 Speaker 1: toxic family. You're not against the kids if they can 793 00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:47,759 Speaker 1: express themselves cutting off toxic family. Are you opposed to 794 00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:52,439 Speaker 1: being uh cut off? If someone feels that I don't 795 00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:55,600 Speaker 1: serve them in whatever capacity they need me for, then 796 00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:58,319 Speaker 1: I'm all good with that. I'd rather you just be 797 00:41:58,360 --> 00:41:59,799 Speaker 1: honest with me about it and tell me what it 798 00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:03,080 Speaker 1: is upfront. Be honest, state, say how you feel, and 799 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,520 Speaker 1: then we can agree to disagree if that's the case, 800 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:09,719 Speaker 1: or I can respect somebody's saying conveine whatever your way 801 00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:11,760 Speaker 1: of life is it do I know people don't necessarily 802 00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:14,200 Speaker 1: agree in my family with you know, some family members 803 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:15,799 Speaker 1: with you know, how I make my living and how 804 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:17,719 Speaker 1: we do our thing, and how open we are and 805 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:22,239 Speaker 1: how transparent we are. Um, and that's fine. They're about 806 00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:26,520 Speaker 1: to cut you all. That's fine. Listen, I'm trying to 807 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:32,520 Speaker 1: lose all the weights, so says say less bro, like 808 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,239 Speaker 1: that's just what it is. Um, you know, but I 809 00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:38,440 Speaker 1: do understand also to the desire to want to keep 810 00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:41,560 Speaker 1: a family unit together as well. You know, some people 811 00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:44,920 Speaker 1: have that they live in this this euphoria of like 812 00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:47,239 Speaker 1: we should just all be a happy family. When I 813 00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:49,439 Speaker 1: think we can achieve that happy family when we start 814 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,880 Speaker 1: being honest with each other first and foremost, and then 815 00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,839 Speaker 1: we can move on from there, you know, I think, 816 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,080 Speaker 1: I think, And then I started choosing my family. I'm sorry, 817 00:42:57,200 --> 00:43:01,560 Speaker 1: but point now where I am literally choosing my family 818 00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:04,760 Speaker 1: like a a you know, blood family member could easily 819 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:08,080 Speaker 1: be replaced by somebody who I've elected to now be 820 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:10,280 Speaker 1: my family. I just thought of my moment of truth, 821 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:15,040 Speaker 1: but whole day because we have listen to letters and 822 00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,439 Speaker 1: what not to get into. Let's take a quick break, 823 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:19,319 Speaker 1: come back, do listen to letters, and then you can 824 00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:21,200 Speaker 1: give us the moment the truth. Jot it down so 825 00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:23,560 Speaker 1: you don't forget that's what I'm doing right now. We'll 826 00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:37,279 Speaker 1: be back. We are back with Dead Ass Podcast. Back 827 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:40,239 Speaker 1: for the favorite part of the show, the list of 828 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:45,480 Speaker 1: the letters. Do you just lost my listener? Letters? Where first? 829 00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:47,759 Speaker 1: All right, go first, let me find mine? All right, 830 00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:51,000 Speaker 1: they asked, y'all are so refreshing, Thank you so much. 831 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,000 Speaker 1: I've been on this journey with y'all for about two 832 00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:55,680 Speaker 1: plus years, not sure how I ever came across y'all, 833 00:43:55,719 --> 00:43:57,680 Speaker 1: and I'm always in all of the wrongness of your 834 00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:00,400 Speaker 1: love and affection for one another and your family. Question. 835 00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:04,120 Speaker 1: I have a newborn congratulations, a week old and a 836 00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:07,239 Speaker 1: two and a half year old boy. Mom bullet, bullet yo. 837 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,520 Speaker 1: I beat myself up over how I'm going to manage 838 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:12,920 Speaker 1: naps and loud noises since I have to now and 839 00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,120 Speaker 1: before it was so much easier with one. What are 840 00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:17,760 Speaker 1: pro tips for integrating a new baby into a business 841 00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:20,040 Speaker 1: We just talked about this a busy house with one 842 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,319 Speaker 1: or more kids in the house already. I don't want 843 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:25,160 Speaker 1: to limit my tallest freedom and noise levels, but I 844 00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:27,160 Speaker 1: want the new baby to get his rest in peace. 845 00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:29,520 Speaker 1: How does this happen? And how I got an easy 846 00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,480 Speaker 1: answer to this? Also, how do you manage naps when 847 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:34,680 Speaker 1: you're up and on the go. I am the nap king, 848 00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,080 Speaker 1: Codeine will tell you this. And I don't plan to 849 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,640 Speaker 1: be home all day like the first with the first boy, 850 00:44:39,719 --> 00:44:41,520 Speaker 1: so I should plan to have naps in the car 851 00:44:41,719 --> 00:44:45,120 Speaker 1: in public, or avoid naps when we can't stop, when 852 00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,360 Speaker 1: we can't stop to take them. Like, thank you in advance. 853 00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:49,760 Speaker 1: We are happy you made it out of your fourth delivery, 854 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:53,399 Speaker 1: happy and healthy, even post the medical emergency you had 855 00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:56,120 Speaker 1: this time around. Thank you so much, so boom, this 856 00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:59,800 Speaker 1: is easy, yo, This is a real easy schedule. Easy 857 00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:04,640 Speaker 1: as I say it, because schedule over here, scheduling, And 858 00:45:04,719 --> 00:45:07,640 Speaker 1: part of the reason why Codinian super tired is because 859 00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:11,200 Speaker 1: she's ignored scheduling because this is our last child, this 860 00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:13,880 Speaker 1: is the wash belly. So she spoiled him and babied 861 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,520 Speaker 1: him and colaged him up a lot longer than she 862 00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:19,560 Speaker 1: typically does. But the truth of the matter is, once 863 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:22,560 Speaker 1: you get these kids on the schedule, and especially boys, 864 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:28,360 Speaker 1: boys love um. They love all structure. They love structure. 865 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:30,400 Speaker 1: So the thing I would tell you to do is, 866 00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:33,399 Speaker 1: if they're both super super young, right when you put 867 00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:36,160 Speaker 1: one down for a nap, put the other down for 868 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:40,080 Speaker 1: a nap and take a nap. Most parents in the 869 00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:42,279 Speaker 1: middle of the day, I feel like if I I'm 870 00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,759 Speaker 1: gonna put the kids down and get work done, you 871 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,960 Speaker 1: don't get work done when you're tired. So what you 872 00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,080 Speaker 1: do is you get work done while the kids are up. 873 00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:51,440 Speaker 1: When they take a nap, you take a nap, and 874 00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:53,319 Speaker 1: then when the kids are up, you find a way 875 00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:57,920 Speaker 1: for them to be engaged and you get more work done. Additionally, 876 00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,399 Speaker 1: don't be afraid to let your child cry. I did 877 00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,000 Speaker 1: this all the time with the boys, and they're all 878 00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:08,320 Speaker 1: perfectly fine. If they're fed, if they're clean, and they're happy, 879 00:46:09,040 --> 00:46:11,920 Speaker 1: they can sit in that bouncer or sitting that rocker 880 00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:15,080 Speaker 1: and be perfectly fine. If they want to scream because 881 00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:17,359 Speaker 1: they want to be held, I guarantee you they won't 882 00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:19,879 Speaker 1: scream for too long because you ain't gonna be coming back. 883 00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:22,719 Speaker 1: And I used to get work done. That's that's just 884 00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:25,840 Speaker 1: the truth. Doesn't matter. Isn't at nighttime? Put them to 885 00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,400 Speaker 1: bed at a certain time. We just went to our 886 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,800 Speaker 1: pediatrician and she told us, listen, if you have a newborn, 887 00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:33,919 Speaker 1: do not them sleep. Do not let them sleep longer 888 00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:37,000 Speaker 1: than two hours a day, two hour naps during the day, 889 00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:39,600 Speaker 1: and do not them let them sleep at least two 890 00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:42,160 Speaker 1: hours prior to you putting them to bed for the night. 891 00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:45,480 Speaker 1: If they're over ten pounds to twelve pounds, they can 892 00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:47,839 Speaker 1: sleep for up to twelve hours, and if they can 893 00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:50,400 Speaker 1: roll over, they can sleep on their stomach. Babies typically 894 00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:55,439 Speaker 1: tend to sleep better on their stomach. Need to sleep 895 00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,960 Speaker 1: in my stomach now now that my breasts are still 896 00:46:58,040 --> 00:46:59,960 Speaker 1: kind of like in the middle of still being still 897 00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,920 Speaker 1: with the nursing and stuff. But yes, I agree with 898 00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,120 Speaker 1: you structure and I know as a as a fourth 899 00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:08,200 Speaker 1: time parents, four time parents, we kind of know that 900 00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,000 Speaker 1: structure needs to be had. And it's a little easier 901 00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:12,400 Speaker 1: for us because the older boys are on a routine 902 00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:15,440 Speaker 1: because they have school, they have bedtimes and all that. 903 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:17,600 Speaker 1: So now it's just a matter of getting the baby 904 00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:19,160 Speaker 1: into the routine of it. And now that we have 905 00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:22,520 Speaker 1: Dakota in our room in the bassinet, she's our Preetrition 906 00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:24,919 Speaker 1: was like, sis, he needs to know that the crib 907 00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,080 Speaker 1: in his room exists. You need to get that crib 908 00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:29,879 Speaker 1: set up, put him in his room, let him napping there, 909 00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:31,720 Speaker 1: let him know that this is going to be my space. 910 00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:35,040 Speaker 1: Let's do bathtime routine. We'll do all that stuff in 911 00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:37,600 Speaker 1: there so he knows that this is my domain. So 912 00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:40,320 Speaker 1: and don't let the mommy don't let the mommy guilt 913 00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:42,960 Speaker 1: get to you to where you like, let me just 914 00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:45,239 Speaker 1: keep holding onto him. You're gonna have this child for 915 00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,239 Speaker 1: eighteen more years, you know what I'm saying. My baby 916 00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:51,799 Speaker 1: wearing h you can't. He can baby wear you at 917 00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:55,239 Speaker 1: that point. But what happens even with Cadee sometimes it's 918 00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:57,160 Speaker 1: just like she's like, it's gonna hold him, and I'm like, yo, 919 00:47:57,760 --> 00:47:59,800 Speaker 1: the more you hold him and you're you're afraid to 920 00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:01,960 Speaker 1: let him go because you think that this moment ain't 921 00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:04,480 Speaker 1: gonna last forever. The longer is gonna take to get 922 00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:06,360 Speaker 1: him on the schedule, and you're gonna be beating yourself 923 00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:09,200 Speaker 1: up when you're not getting asleep. Don't be afraid to 924 00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:11,200 Speaker 1: be a mom and give him some tough love. And 925 00:48:11,239 --> 00:48:13,520 Speaker 1: some of that tough love is learning how to self soothe. 926 00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:15,640 Speaker 1: You know, I talked to the boys about it all 927 00:48:15,680 --> 00:48:18,160 Speaker 1: the time, even at ten and five and four. You 928 00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:21,160 Speaker 1: have to self soothed and learn how to control your emotions. 929 00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:23,600 Speaker 1: My guy, like, I'm not gonna coy to you. Your 930 00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:25,719 Speaker 1: mom is not always gonna cor to you. Something hurt 931 00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:28,560 Speaker 1: your your you know something is bothering you learn how 932 00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:30,920 Speaker 1: to self soothe a little bit, and it's okay as 933 00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:34,280 Speaker 1: a mom to let your baby learn how to self soothe. 934 00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:38,360 Speaker 1: We were watching um speaking of balance, watch an animal 935 00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:42,759 Speaker 1: planet right me and the boys. Deer drops out of 936 00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:46,520 Speaker 1: the mom boom. The mom, dear, don't run over to 937 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:49,200 Speaker 1: the baby dear and hold the baby deer and walk 938 00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:52,000 Speaker 1: the baby dear. The mom sits back and the deer 939 00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:55,200 Speaker 1: has to learn how to walk immediately upon coming out, 940 00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:58,560 Speaker 1: and that day befalling. The legs be wobbly. That's how 941 00:48:58,719 --> 00:49:04,560 Speaker 1: some ladies look at heels. O night, that's the analogy, 942 00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:06,960 Speaker 1: like she walking like a baby dear. I've had my 943 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:10,680 Speaker 1: baby dear moments too, so you definitely had some baby 944 00:49:10,719 --> 00:49:15,400 Speaker 1: deal moments. Narrow as red bottoms, chill, baby deal legs. Baby, 945 00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:17,400 Speaker 1: But that wasn't the heels. It was the alcohol. It 946 00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:19,000 Speaker 1: is a little bit of both. We got we got 947 00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:21,640 Speaker 1: two kids because of the baby deer legs. Do you 948 00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:24,759 Speaker 1: like the baby deer legs? Bring it back. I didn't 949 00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,479 Speaker 1: think it was attractive, but it wasn't the baby deal. Legs. 950 00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:29,759 Speaker 1: It was your state of mind when we got home 951 00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:32,360 Speaker 1: after the baby, dear legs then that I enjoyed. So 952 00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,360 Speaker 1: that was like, that was like a notice to me, 953 00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,520 Speaker 1: like wait a minute, like since the tap says her 954 00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:43,160 Speaker 1: knees keeping what's happening here? Alright? Focus? But yeah, So structure, 955 00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:46,640 Speaker 1: structure and routine and allowing them to walk on their 956 00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:50,279 Speaker 1: own like they're gonna fall, They're gonna cry, tough mama, 957 00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:52,960 Speaker 1: but hanging there all right. Last one, my mom and 958 00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:55,160 Speaker 1: I have never had a great relationship. She had been 959 00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:58,560 Speaker 1: emotionally and sometimes physically abusive my whole life up until 960 00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,560 Speaker 1: the point I turned eighteen and off to college in 961 00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:03,480 Speaker 1: a different state. I'm twenty five now, and I've been 962 00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:06,160 Speaker 1: completely fine with not having a relationship with her. However, 963 00:50:06,280 --> 00:50:10,239 Speaker 1: my older brother passed away January six one, sorry to 964 00:50:10,280 --> 00:50:13,560 Speaker 1: hear that, and now my mother's only my only my 965 00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:16,399 Speaker 1: mother's only living child. It's been hard for us all 966 00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:18,640 Speaker 1: and my mother and we lean on each other a 967 00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:20,840 Speaker 1: lot to get through it in the beginning. The problem 968 00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:22,920 Speaker 1: I'm struggling with now is that I have no interest 969 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,880 Speaker 1: in rebuilding our relationship. Everyone keeps telling me that I 970 00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:28,400 Speaker 1: need to get over whatever problems I have, because right 971 00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:31,480 Speaker 1: now she needs me, but I've been having a very 972 00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:34,000 Speaker 1: hard time doing that. She has shown that she has 973 00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:36,719 Speaker 1: no desire to hold herself accountable, which is what I 974 00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:39,560 Speaker 1: said before for the ship she put me through when 975 00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:41,399 Speaker 1: I was younger, and I have no desire to move 976 00:50:41,480 --> 00:50:44,600 Speaker 1: forward until she does. But the empathetic side of me 977 00:50:44,719 --> 00:50:46,800 Speaker 1: keeps reminding me that losing a child's one of the 978 00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:48,759 Speaker 1: worst things that can happen to a parent, and that 979 00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:51,880 Speaker 1: I should make an effort to move forward at the 980 00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:55,960 Speaker 1: expense of my personal boundaries and mental health. It feels 981 00:50:55,960 --> 00:50:57,719 Speaker 1: like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, 982 00:50:57,800 --> 00:50:59,960 Speaker 1: and this mental battle I'm having with myself is really 983 00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:02,040 Speaker 1: weighing on me. What do you guys, What would you 984 00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:03,960 Speaker 1: guys do in this situation. I'm really interested to hear 985 00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:08,640 Speaker 1: your perspective as parents, so any advice is appreciated. I 986 00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:10,640 Speaker 1: can't relate to mom because she's not owning up to 987 00:51:10,920 --> 00:51:12,879 Speaker 1: the things that she's put you through as a parent, 988 00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:15,600 Speaker 1: I mean as a child, um, so that would just 989 00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:17,800 Speaker 1: be hard for me in general. Whereas with us, we 990 00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,279 Speaker 1: try to be accountable with the things that we do 991 00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:23,040 Speaker 1: or say to our children and see how they feel 992 00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:25,560 Speaker 1: about it, and then talk things out. But again, if 993 00:51:25,640 --> 00:51:29,239 Speaker 1: you are twenty five, that means you're probably from the 994 00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:32,600 Speaker 1: generation of parenting where mom is not willing to talk 995 00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:36,400 Speaker 1: about or admit any wrong. Um, even though in her 996 00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:39,360 Speaker 1: mind she may have been doing these things for quote 997 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:42,719 Speaker 1: unquote your own sake. Um, that's not the way you 998 00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:47,080 Speaker 1: received it. So just the way I feel, there's only 999 00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:51,240 Speaker 1: one person in your life, or one type of person 1000 00:51:51,880 --> 00:51:55,640 Speaker 1: that is deserving of you sacrificing your mental health to 1001 00:51:55,800 --> 00:51:59,560 Speaker 1: help them, and that's your children. Because your children are 1002 00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,680 Speaker 1: here at your pleasure. They're here because you asked them 1003 00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:08,879 Speaker 1: to be here. Anybody else, your spouse, your parents, your brother, 1004 00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:12,080 Speaker 1: your sister, your uncle, your aunt, no one else is 1005 00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:16,120 Speaker 1: deserving of you sacrificing your mental health for them to 1006 00:52:16,239 --> 00:52:19,200 Speaker 1: feel better. Like that's there's there's just there's no room 1007 00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:23,240 Speaker 1: for that. There is no room for that. Only person 1008 00:52:24,200 --> 00:52:27,320 Speaker 1: is your child because that person, that child, doesn't have 1009 00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:30,000 Speaker 1: the mental capacity. And then it comes to point when 1010 00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:32,760 Speaker 1: that child is an adult, and then at that point, 1011 00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:36,640 Speaker 1: that child no longer deserves for you to sacrifice your 1012 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:39,759 Speaker 1: mental health for that person's embetterment. But when they were 1013 00:52:39,760 --> 00:52:43,319 Speaker 1: a child, when they were a child, yes, once they 1014 00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:45,520 Speaker 1: get to and I'm not evenna say eighteen because eighteen 1015 00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:47,880 Speaker 1: is still a baby. Um, I would say mid twenties. 1016 00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:51,560 Speaker 1: Once you get to their mid twenties. No, bro, you 1017 00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:55,400 Speaker 1: you you, I'm not. You have all of your faculties. 1018 00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:57,600 Speaker 1: You have to figure that out. And I'm no longer 1019 00:52:57,680 --> 00:53:00,400 Speaker 1: sacrificing my mental health to make you feel better about yourself. 1020 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:02,840 Speaker 1: That's how I feel about it. With everybody, with everybody 1021 00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:07,520 Speaker 1: across the board there, and that's gonna leave me. That's 1022 00:53:07,520 --> 00:53:09,600 Speaker 1: gonna lead me to my moment of truth. So all right, 1023 00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:11,239 Speaker 1: let's do that. Well, I mean, if you want to 1024 00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:13,600 Speaker 1: be featured as one of our list of letters, email 1025 00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:16,360 Speaker 1: us at as advice at gmail dot com. That's D 1026 00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,640 Speaker 1: E A d A S S A d V I 1027 00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:22,439 Speaker 1: C at gmail dot com. This leads me right into 1028 00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:25,880 Speaker 1: the moment of truth. I wrote it down. Moment of truth. 1029 00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:31,799 Speaker 1: Family often uses the titles given inset family to validate 1030 00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:37,360 Speaker 1: poor behavior. For example, somebody will do something to you 1031 00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:41,400 Speaker 1: and know they're wrong and you and they expect you 1032 00:53:41,480 --> 00:53:43,000 Speaker 1: to just deal with it, you know what they say. 1033 00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:46,120 Speaker 1: But I'm your mom, you know what I'm saying. But 1034 00:53:46,200 --> 00:53:50,040 Speaker 1: we were family, were cousins? What does that mean? You 1035 00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:53,200 Speaker 1: get to violate me on a regular basis, And because 1036 00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:57,120 Speaker 1: we're family, I gotta take it. Family typically is responsible 1037 00:53:57,239 --> 00:54:00,080 Speaker 1: for doing that. Friends don't friends don't do that. Co 1038 00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:03,399 Speaker 1: workers don't do that. There's no other place in your 1039 00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,800 Speaker 1: life that people will do funked up shipped to you 1040 00:54:06,200 --> 00:54:09,200 Speaker 1: and then say stuff like but were blood were family? 1041 00:54:09,239 --> 00:54:11,320 Speaker 1: We ain't supposed to know? No, no, no, no no. 1042 00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:16,360 Speaker 1: Let's normalize not allowing family members to use their titles 1043 00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:20,200 Speaker 1: to violate us, and let's hold them accountable. Very good, 1044 00:54:20,520 --> 00:54:23,759 Speaker 1: very very good. No, I completely agree. I didn't even 1045 00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:25,839 Speaker 1: think about that. But like the title on how much 1046 00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:29,200 Speaker 1: that weighs on this hierarchy of like what the family 1047 00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:32,560 Speaker 1: system and dynamic is and who deserves what based off 1048 00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:37,319 Speaker 1: of that. The the hierarchy in the dynamic often determines 1049 00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:40,560 Speaker 1: who gets to do the violating. What I'm saying if 1050 00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:44,160 Speaker 1: I fall that, but the way you said it was perfect. 1051 00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:47,560 Speaker 1: When people fall higher on that hierarchy of family, they 1052 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:49,560 Speaker 1: feel like they can violate people and it's just like, 1053 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:51,360 Speaker 1: well I'm an aunt, it's just yeah, and it's just 1054 00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:53,440 Speaker 1: whatever it is I can just I can then disrespect 1055 00:54:53,480 --> 00:54:57,280 Speaker 1: you because I'm your aunt, I'm your you know whoever, 1056 00:54:57,440 --> 00:55:01,279 Speaker 1: whoever the case may be, We we doing that no more. 1057 00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:05,480 Speaker 1: Protect your peace at the end of the day, and 1058 00:55:05,600 --> 00:55:07,960 Speaker 1: just realize that the same way you would no longer 1059 00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:10,880 Speaker 1: be in a friendship with someone because they do some 1060 00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:13,759 Speaker 1: funked up ship, the same way that you will leave 1061 00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:17,320 Speaker 1: a job because that environment is a toxic environment. I 1062 00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:21,680 Speaker 1: feel like you can use your discretion the family accordingly. Absolutely, 1063 00:55:21,760 --> 00:55:25,320 Speaker 1: It's just where we're at with things nowadays, y'all. So 1064 00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:27,480 Speaker 1: be sure to find us on social media at dead 1065 00:55:27,560 --> 00:55:29,720 Speaker 1: ask the podcast and you know where to find me. Codeine, 1066 00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:35,560 Speaker 1: I am not codinum, codeine, I am and I am devoted. 1067 00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:39,520 Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, 1068 00:55:40,320 --> 00:55:43,160 Speaker 1: and subscribe to share this episode with a family member 1069 00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:47,520 Speaker 1: that might need to get the picture. Don't be afraid 1070 00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:49,759 Speaker 1: to share these episodes, y'all, and let people just tune 1071 00:55:49,760 --> 00:55:52,040 Speaker 1: in and chiming, put it in their family group chats, 1072 00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:54,960 Speaker 1: you know, and all that stuff, so people could be like, oh, Okay, 1073 00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:57,960 Speaker 1: maybe this might be worth starting a conversation or discussion 1074 00:55:58,120 --> 00:56:02,279 Speaker 1: to see where it goes from there. Dead as dead 1075 00:56:02,320 --> 00:56:05,080 Speaker 1: Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network 1076 00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:08,720 Speaker 1: and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast 1077 00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:11,399 Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the Podcasts and Never 1078 00:56:11,520 --> 00:56:12,000 Speaker 1: Miss a Thing