Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode, Back for another topic,
Speaker 1: as we break down the psychology of our twenties. When
Speaker 1: we think about our twenties, I think there are four
Speaker 1: things that we worry about more than anything else. We
Speaker 1: worry about love, we worry about money, the future, and finally,
Speaker 1: our friendships. Today we're really going to focus in on
Speaker 1: that final point there and examine the way that our
Speaker 1: friendships change during this decade and why, despite a lot
Speaker 1: of the fear and our anxiety and our discomfort, this
Speaker 1: experience is totally normal. It's natural, and it's going to
Speaker 1: be okay. Every one of us has had to witness
Speaker 1: as someone they were once really close to slowly kind
Speaker 1: of drifts away replies to their messages less and less
Speaker 1: finds new friends who are maybe better for them, whilst
Speaker 1: you're left feeling a little bit discarded, a little bit unmoored.
Speaker 1: Or maybe you are the friend who has moved on
Speaker 1: and you're coming to terms with the realization that you
Speaker 1: have outgrown the people who are once your closest friends.
Speaker 1: The friendship group has disbanded, your friend's just got a
Speaker 1: new partner. There are so many ways that we see
Speaker 1: our friendships change, and it's scary because those relationships are
Speaker 1: really what hold us up during this decade is we sow,
Speaker 1: they kind of separate away from the security of the
Speaker 1: family unit in which form our own identity. Having a
Speaker 1: broad set of friends in those moments to really rely
Speaker 1: on and call upon is super vital, and it's also
Speaker 1: really vital for our mental health. There's been so many
Speaker 1: studies that have shown that people who have close friends,
Speaker 1: close confidence, they're more satisfied with their lives, They're less
Speaker 1: likely to suffer from depression, they overall just feel happier.
Speaker 1: And in contrast, people with poor quality friendships or no friends,
Speaker 1: they are twice as likely to die prematurely. Of course,
Speaker 1: they suffer increased loneliness. So maintaining a really healthy, broad,
Speaker 1: fulfilling network of friendships is undoubtedly important, and it's not
Speaker 1: just about the fact that they provide us with comfort
Speaker 1: and are obviously massive contributors to our health. But friendship
Speaker 1: is also just one of the greatest joys in life.
Speaker 1: Right there are genuinely friends I consider family who know
Speaker 1: more about me, and any partner of mine ever has
Speaker 1: who make me laugh like beyond reason. That connection is
Speaker 1: so deep that we never want it to fade. In fact,
Speaker 1: I think we never consider the fact that it might.
Speaker 1: It might, it will. That is not where our brain
Speaker 1: naturally goes to the conclusion of the friendship, because unlike
Speaker 1: romantic relationships, I think friendships aren't meant to have an
Speaker 1: expiry date. They aren't meant to go up in flames.
Speaker 1: There isn't meant to be a breakup. We're not meant
Speaker 1: to fall out of love with our friends. That is
Speaker 1: kind of the beauty of platonic intimacy and connection. It's
Speaker 1: meant to outlast a lot of other forms of love.
Speaker 1: So it comes as a shock when we begin to
Speaker 1: notice our relationships really shifting or drifting apart from people,
Speaker 1: or realizing that we have mutually outgrown each other or
Speaker 1: just need space. And a lot of the time our
Speaker 1: instinct is to a blame ourselves or be panic immediately
Speaker 1: jump to the worst case scenario, What if I lose
Speaker 1: all my friends and I end up alone. We don't
Speaker 1: give ourselves the grace or the permission in these moments
Speaker 1: of transition to understand that some friendships just have a
Speaker 1: shorter life cycle, and our friends scape is naturally going
Speaker 1: to shift with age and time. And I think that reaction,
Speaker 1: that entire sequence of events and realizations is what we're
Speaker 1: really talking about today, along with all of the psychology
Speaker 1: that I think comes with watching our friendships change in
Speaker 1: our twenties, we are going to explore the why, including
Speaker 1: the literal scientific formula for friendship, the types of friendship
Speaker 1: endings from the fizzle to the replacement or the breakup,
Speaker 1: how intensity may actually shorten the lifespan of our friendships,
Speaker 1: and the impact of simply just entering into a new
Speaker 1: chapter of your life and dealing with some of the
Speaker 1: loneliness that might come along with that. I think there
Speaker 1: are a lot of friendship misconceptions that keep us stuck
Speaker 1: in really really draining relationships. You know what, Am I
Speaker 1: a bad person if I don't want to be friends
Speaker 1: with this person anymore? Am I toxic? Because all of
Speaker 1: my friends have kind of moved away and stopped talking
Speaker 1: to me. Am I boring? How am I going to
Speaker 1: adapt to this new reality? There is so much to
Speaker 1: discuss here, especially since I think it is so universal.
Speaker 1: It is such an important experience to explore because it
Speaker 1: is inherently isolating, so we don't find ourselves talking about
Speaker 1: it enough. Which is to say, in the midst of
Speaker 1: a massive friendship transition that I'm sure we are all experiencing.
Speaker 1: I really hope this helps you. I hope that this
Speaker 1: gives you a sense of guidance. So, without further ado,
Speaker 1: let's get into the psychology behind why are friendships change
Speaker 1: and why that is totally okay. This past year for
Speaker 1: me has been a period of like rapid transition, and
Speaker 1: with that there's been this real shift in who I
Speaker 1: spend my time with the friendships I have, and unfortunately
Speaker 1: it's required a lot of reflecting on some of the
Speaker 1: people that I have seen fade away from my life
Speaker 1: and kind of feeling a little bit like my friendship
Speaker 1: circle is unbalanced. The true biggest factors for me, I
Speaker 1: think in that change has been firstly, seeing a lot
Speaker 1: of my friends move away from the city where we
Speaker 1: kind of all grew to knew each other when we
Speaker 1: were at university. We all went to university at Canberra,
Speaker 1: And I was talking to my boyfriend about this the
Speaker 1: other day. But I think the reason I've been feeling
Speaker 1: really isolated is because as we enter into our I
Speaker 1: think early in mid twenties in particular, a lot of
Speaker 1: people choose to scatter, a lot of people move away.
Speaker 1: And the people that I'm closest to one now lives
Speaker 1: in Paris, one lives in London, one lives in Tasmania,
Speaker 1: which is like a kind of semi regional island off
Speaker 1: of Australia. You know, one of them is in Nepal,
Speaker 1: and everyone just makes the decision that's best for them.
Speaker 1: They move on with their lives, and that means that
Speaker 1: each of us is feeling, I think uniquely, very isolated.
Speaker 1: That distance is naturally going to change kind of the
Speaker 1: dynamic because you don't have that same proximity and the
Speaker 1: ease or access to this other person. It requires more
Speaker 1: of an investment. And if you're not willing to keep
Speaker 1: that up, you have to be willing to see that
Speaker 1: friendship fizzle out a little bit, not be what it
Speaker 1: once was or kind of hope that they return, and
Speaker 1: it's one of those magical moments where it's kind of
Speaker 1: right back to normal. So I think that's like the
Speaker 1: first big change I've seen in my personal life. The
Speaker 1: second factor has to do not just with specific friendships,
Speaker 1: but an entire way of socializing. The older we get,
Speaker 1: I think we lose some of our interest in the
Speaker 1: ways we used to hang out with our friends when
Speaker 1: we were eighteen or nineteen or even twenty, particularly to
Speaker 1: do with the drinking culture. I know for me personally
Speaker 1: that when I was at UNI, it was like binge
Speaker 1: drinking central, like that was part of how we socialized,
Speaker 1: That was part of how we spent our you know, Thursday, Friday,
Speaker 1: Saturday nights. It is this thing in psychology called bad
Speaker 1: behavior bonding, where we sometimes find ourselves really attracted and
Speaker 1: attached to people who are on an equally chaotic and
Speaker 1: self destructive path or in that same place as us
Speaker 1: in that moment, and then we enable each other. But
Speaker 1: when one person decides it's kind of time to outgrow that,
Speaker 1: that they've matured past that kind of chapter, it comes
Speaker 1: at the cost of the friends they made through those behaviors.
Speaker 1: I think eighteen year old Gema would be shocked to
Speaker 1: hear that. You know, I don't go clubbing really anymore.
Speaker 1: I don't really want to be up to two am
Speaker 1: on a weeknight. I want to be in bed, I
Speaker 1: want to be watching Seinfeld. My threshold for social interaction,
Speaker 1: and I think most people's threshold for social interaction has
Speaker 1: lowered significantly as I've entered, like my mid twenties. Some
Speaker 1: of that is obviously environmental, but also some of it
Speaker 1: is just psychological and personal, like that's not what I'm
Speaker 1: really interested in anymore. And then there's the other factor
Speaker 1: of the fact that I have met someone that I
Speaker 1: have a partner. Now, when we enter into a relationship,
Speaker 1: this center of our social universe, our emotional universe, or
Speaker 1: solar system, it shifts away from our friendships and towards
Speaker 1: our partner. And if you're not careful, you kind of
Speaker 1: fall out of orbit with those around you. You know,
Speaker 1: you want to spend as much time as possible with
Speaker 1: this person that you're falling in love with. You want
Speaker 1: to see them all the time, You want to invite
Speaker 1: them to everything that you're doing. That can sometimes come
Speaker 1: at the expense of those platonic relationships that you've maintained
Speaker 1: for much longer than you've known this person. So I
Speaker 1: think it's these like two to three parallel changes that
Speaker 1: have left me feeling pretty isolated, perhaps feeling like I
Speaker 1: haven't adapted as quickly to these situations as I could have. However,
Speaker 1: I also recognize that in our twenties we are writing
Speaker 1: what I like to call the friendship roller coaster. The
Speaker 1: friendship roller coaster is this phenomenon I've noticed whereby we
Speaker 1: can feel incredibly happy and fulfilled by our friendships, almost
Speaker 1: overwhelmed with love, you know, one day, and then three
Speaker 1: days later you can end up in this total thought
Speaker 1: spiral about how we have no one, how we're totally alone,
Speaker 1: how no one wants to spend time with you know,
Speaker 1: with us, as if three days earlier you hadn't been
Speaker 1: having the best time, you hadn't been feeling totally validated.
Speaker 1: That is the friendship roller coaster of our twenties. There
Speaker 1: are a lot of really high highs and a lot
Speaker 1: of really low lows, and normally at those low points,
Speaker 1: nothing really has changed except our mental state. And it
Speaker 1: goes to show how so much of our experience of
Speaker 1: feeling isolated or lonely is entirely subjective, and it's based
Speaker 1: on what I think is a very instinctial, inherent fear
Speaker 1: of loneliness that is not always based on the truth.
Speaker 1: It is a false alarm. That is why we are
Speaker 1: so fearful of our friendships changing, because underneath that fear
Speaker 1: is a much more primal fear of being alone, and
Speaker 1: so we become really hyper vigilant to any cues, small
Speaker 1: suggestions that point to the fact that our relationships are weakening,
Speaker 1: that people are becoming more distant. Sometimes that is true.
Speaker 1: As sad as it is, we are naturally going to
Speaker 1: lose friends. It is unavoidable, and I want to talk
Speaker 1: about why we see that so often in our twenties.
Speaker 1: In particular, this decade is a period of transition for
Speaker 1: all of us career transition, mental transition, emotional transition, even
Speaker 1: physical transition, as we've spoken about, as we kind of move,
Speaker 1: we scatter, we pursue different paths. Everyone is kind of
Speaker 1: on their own you know, I know it sounds cheesy,
Speaker 1: but their own journey in that moment, we are all
Speaker 1: trying equally as hard as everyone else to just figure
Speaker 1: out what we want from life and how we can
Speaker 1: actually do those things. It's interesting because I think although
Speaker 1: we are all the same age, we are all almost
Speaker 1: like different life points. We've all hit different milestones. Some
Speaker 1: of us are still living at home, some of us
Speaker 1: have moved in with like partners. We're living abroad, some
Speaker 1: of us are still at UNI. We are all at
Speaker 1: these very differ different stages. Whereas for the first eighteen
Speaker 1: years of our lives, if someone was our age, we
Speaker 1: could assume that they were doing a lot of the
Speaker 1: same things as we were. We were kind of living
Speaker 1: parallel lives because of the structures of childhood and adolescents.
Speaker 1: But in our twenties that all splinters. It's kind of
Speaker 1: like a life path explosion. It's at this point of
Speaker 1: I don't want to say, you know, upheaval, but like
Speaker 1: significant growth and impact that we see. The relationships around
Speaker 1: us change as well, and they will continue to do
Speaker 1: so for the remainder of our twenties and the remainder
Speaker 1: of our lives. One of the biggest moments that I
Speaker 1: think we encounter this is following university or high school.
Speaker 1: When we are at UNI, we spend so much time together.
Speaker 1: There is just endless opportunities to be around your friends,
Speaker 1: opportunities to laugh, to have fun, and we are having
Speaker 1: this very share experience. We're working towards the same goal
Speaker 1: to you know, graduate at the end of all this,
Speaker 1: and our friendships at that point are really really convenient.
Speaker 1: You are living in the same place, possibly the same town,
Speaker 1: even sometimes the same building. You're going to the library
Speaker 1: every day, you are eating together every day, seeing each
Speaker 1: other as much as you can. And when we no
Speaker 1: longer have a those shared experiences or be the shared environment,
Speaker 1: we slowly lose that closeness. And to understand this, we
Speaker 1: really need to look at the psychological principles underlying friendship.
Speaker 1: These researchers back in the nineties they proposed it there
Speaker 1: are for keen ingredients or factors that can basically predict
Speaker 1: whether you and someone else will become friends and also
Speaker 1: whether you'll be able to maintain that friendship. And these
Speaker 1: like ingredients are proximity, similarity, familiarity, and reciprocity. So proximity
Speaker 1: basically just means physical closeness. How easy is it for
Speaker 1: you to see this person regularly. They did a study
Speaker 1: on this at university dorm rooms and they found that
Speaker 1: how close people's rooms were to each other actually predicted
Speaker 1: the likelihood of them becoming friends. A lot of our
Speaker 1: friendships basically come down to the ease of contact and
Speaker 1: the frequency of contact. Secondly, we have similarity. We're obviously
Speaker 1: going to like someone more if they share the same interests, hobbies,
Speaker 1: lifestyle beliefs as us, but this also includes similarity in
Speaker 1: terms of current and past life experiences or a similar
Speaker 1: sharing a similar environment. Then we have familiarity that refers
Speaker 1: to not just how long we've known someone, how close
Speaker 1: we are with them, but also the depth of the connection.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we think that the people who have
Speaker 1: known us the longest know us the best. That is
Speaker 1: not always the case. Sometimes we meet people and there
Speaker 1: is just this intense, intense spark, this intense platonic chemistry,
Speaker 1: such that we automatically immediately feel like we have known
Speaker 1: them our whole lives. Familiarity is basically just close knowledge
Speaker 1: of another person. And finally, we have reciprocity, which is
Speaker 1: knowing that what you give someone in terms of your love,
Speaker 1: in terms of your energy, in terms of your time
Speaker 1: is going to be returned, is going to be reciprocated.
Speaker 1: So those are the most important factors. When we talk
Speaker 1: about our friendships changing in our twenties, nine out of
Speaker 1: ten times I would say that change normally comes down
Speaker 1: to a shift in one of these four conditions. For example,
Speaker 1: when people move away or they get really busy they
Speaker 1: start full time work, lose that proximity. It makes it
Speaker 1: harder to see them. When we lose those shared experiences
Speaker 1: like no longer being a university together, we have less
Speaker 1: to talk about. When we lose that familiarity, we feel
Speaker 1: like this person no longer knows us. And when we
Speaker 1: begin to see a friendship as one sided without that
Speaker 1: reciprocity we were speaking about, this is when it makes
Speaker 1: us question how much this person really wants us to
Speaker 1: be in their life. What I often say is that
Speaker 1: friendships can survive a reduction or a change in one
Speaker 1: of these conditions, but not to so. For example, it's
Speaker 1: totally fine if your friend gets really busy at work
Speaker 1: and can only see you once a fortnight, once a month,
Speaker 1: as long as you maintain that similarity, familiarity, reciprocity. You
Speaker 1: make time when you have time, and you talk about
Speaker 1: things that are interesting and you want to see them.
Speaker 1: But if suddenly you no longer have those shared stories, beliefs, values, interests,
Speaker 1: and then you also don't see them regularly. That is
Speaker 1: when the friendship starts to crumble, or if the friend
Speaker 1: is not reciprocating your excitement or your investment in seeing
Speaker 1: them again, we really begin to question the value of
Speaker 1: the friendship or how much longer it can last. I
Speaker 1: want to stress this again. I know that that feels
Speaker 1: really painful, but it's not abnormal. You are not the
Speaker 1: only one who is either going through these changes themselves,
Speaker 1: struggling to connect with people you once loved, or watching
Speaker 1: someone else feel the same way about your friendship, watching
Speaker 1: the people around you suddenly almost disappear. Friendships change because
Speaker 1: people change, and sometimes they just don't change in the
Speaker 1: same direction. That is not a crime. It is not
Speaker 1: because there is something wrong with you or something wrong
Speaker 1: with them. I think the worst thing we can do
Speaker 1: in response to that is actually act from a place
Speaker 1: of anger or rejection, because you're not actually angry at them,
Speaker 1: You're just hurt. You're just scared of losing them. You're
Speaker 1: just scared of change. And your sadness and your panic
Speaker 1: is in itself and indicated that you love them deeply.
Speaker 1: So I think when we are in those moments where
Speaker 1: we are really fearful that we're losing people, feeling like
Speaker 1: we should push them away or you know, sometimes find
Speaker 1: a replacement, we do just need to pause and approach
Speaker 1: this very rationally. This is all about a transition. It's
Speaker 1: all about a journey and where you are at now
Speaker 1: with your friends. Like we said, it is the friendship rollercoaster.
Speaker 1: It may not be where you end up. There are
Speaker 1: other factors as well that I think also alter our
Speaker 1: friendships irreversibly, and that includes really significant events like a
Speaker 1: big breach of trust, a betrayal, misunderstandings. I think these
Speaker 1: things differ from what we were talking about before, and
Speaker 1: when we encounter those things. There are four kind of
Speaker 1: friendship breakups that we most often see. These are the
Speaker 1: friendship fizzle, the replacement, the one sided severance, and the
Speaker 1: breakup where really drastic measures are required. So I would say,
Speaker 1: if we have a look at our friendships, the mutual
Speaker 1: and you know, friendships from the past, the mutual fizzle
Speaker 1: is most common. There are some people we are not
Speaker 1: meant to be around our entire lives. We are only
Speaker 1: meant to be with them for a season before it is,
Speaker 1: you know, time for us to move on. Maybe this
Speaker 1: person just no longer fills your cup in the same
Speaker 1: way you were friends at work. Now you no longer
Speaker 1: have that shared topic to discuss. They were your ex's friends.
Speaker 1: The key word though, here is mutual. We both kind
Speaker 1: of understand that we aren't as close as we once were.
Speaker 1: The context around us has changed, and perhaps it's time
Speaker 1: to actually just let the other person go. Stop trying
Speaker 1: to reschedule the plans, just let it fizzle. Then we
Speaker 1: have the replacement. This one really hurts. It hurts so much.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we have this really intense relationship with someone. They're
Speaker 1: our best friend, we do everything together, and then slowly
Speaker 1: they start mentioning some other person more and more, they're
Speaker 1: spending more time with them. We feel shut out or replaced,
Speaker 1: or perhaps, as we were talking about, before they meet
Speaker 1: someone they meet a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner,
Speaker 1: even though we know that we are not entitled to
Speaker 1: all of their time. A lot of this comes from
Speaker 1: a very i think justified place of jealousy, and it's
Speaker 1: a jealousy we typically think is reserved for romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: but when you love someone as deeply as you love
Speaker 1: this person, another individual's kind of entrance into your relationship
Speaker 1: or like the equation can feel like a real threat.
Speaker 1: And it's these friendships, I think, those very very very
Speaker 1: close friendships that keep us quite grounded, that actually form
Speaker 1: a huge part of our identity and how we see ourselves.
Speaker 1: So when one person seemingly moves on or stops investing
Speaker 1: as much, or starts investing more in someone else, it
Speaker 1: can quite honestly leave us feeling really lost, maybe feel
Speaker 1: like we should be sharing our time around as well.
Speaker 1: There's also a saying about these intense relationships that really
Speaker 1: applies here. The flame that burns twice as bright burns
Speaker 1: out quicker. I see this all the time with those
Speaker 1: really high intensity friendships. You're kind of like addicted to them.
Speaker 1: You put a lot of pressure on them more than
Speaker 1: other friendships. You have this really high expectation, this high
Speaker 1: level of time that you spend with each other, and
Speaker 1: a lot of demands for the other person that I
Speaker 1: think can rarely be sustained without the occasional brain or
Speaker 1: some very solid boundaries. And I don't think that those relationships,
Speaker 1: those really intense relationships can survive very long without one
Speaker 1: person in that kind of dynamic choosing to make a change,
Speaker 1: which is why I think not only do they hurt
Speaker 1: a lot, but we also see them ending quite frequently.
Speaker 1: And then we have this one sided severance where without reason,
Speaker 1: someone suddenly detaches, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't
Speaker 1: want to communicate with you, doesn't really offer you any
Speaker 1: kind of explanation. That is just I can understand how
Speaker 1: devastating that is. I've had that happen to me before.
Speaker 1: Sometimes people have their reasons they don't want to share
Speaker 1: them with you. That's fine, but you're kind of having
Speaker 1: to go through a friendship breakup all on your own,
Speaker 1: without the closure. We have to go searching for the
Speaker 1: answers ourselves. I think when a true friendship breakup actually occurs,
Speaker 1: we kind of both understand why. We know what happened,
Speaker 1: we know our role in it, we know what we
Speaker 1: need to take accountability for. But when we have these
Speaker 1: one sided severances, you really are kind of left in
Speaker 1: the dark. You're left looking for your own answers. I
Speaker 1: really do believe that friendship breakups hurt so much more
Speaker 1: than romantic breakups because we never expect them. Friendships always
Speaker 1: feel so permanent, and as we get older we quickly
Speaker 1: realize that they're not. It is okay to grieve what was,
Speaker 1: to think about them, to want to reach out, but
Speaker 1: it's also okay to recognize that, just like the end
Speaker 1: of a romantic relationship, this might have been for the best.
Speaker 1: Sometimes not only do we grow apart, but we begin
Speaker 1: to kind of realize and recognize how this person has
Speaker 1: caused friction in our lives. May not have respected our boundaries,
Speaker 1: or maybe there was some event where suddenly you saw
Speaker 1: them in a new light and you're just shocked that
Speaker 1: this is actually who they are and you've never seen
Speaker 1: that before. I actually had someone tell me the other
Speaker 1: day about a friendship breakup they had with their best
Speaker 1: friend of eight years, and they went on vacation together,
Speaker 1: and throughout this trip, this person slowly realized that her
Speaker 1: and her friend could not be friends anymore, that when
Speaker 1: she returned it would have to be over. Her friend
Speaker 1: was cruel, would yell at her, would ignore her when
Speaker 1: other people were around, wasn't willing to compromise. That is
Speaker 1: not a relationship we should prioritize. And sometimes we don't
Speaker 1: see those parts of someone until we see them in
Speaker 1: a new situation like a wedding, like an engagement, like
Speaker 1: a baby is coming, or one of you is experiencing
Speaker 1: like a lot of really great success and the other
Speaker 1: person is jealous. In those situations, it's better to kind
Speaker 1: of feel lonely than to be around someone or trust
Speaker 1: someone who obviously doesn't have your best intentions at heart.
Speaker 1: And I guess that's one of my main premises or
Speaker 1: arguments here. Not all friendships are meant to last for
Speaker 1: a good reason, and our fear of loneliness should not
Speaker 1: keep us in relationships that do not nurture and build
Speaker 1: us up and make us better people. We should not
Speaker 1: sacrifice our boundaries or our needs for the sake of company.
Speaker 1: You can find company anywhere. You can go to the
Speaker 1: local coffee shop and have a chat with some nice
Speaker 1: lady in her sixties, and then you go at bingo, bengo,
Speaker 1: you have a best friend. When we continue to pour
Speaker 1: attention and time and energy into these dead end relationships,
Speaker 1: we lose out on a lot of other opportunities to
Speaker 1: meet people who might suit this chapter or season of
Speaker 1: your life better, even if it takes time. The saying
Speaker 1: that I always come back to again and again and again.
Speaker 1: It is impossible to keep every single friend you've ever had,
Speaker 1: especially as you add new relationships, when your life circumstances change,
Speaker 1: or when you become aware of key differences in your
Speaker 1: values and characters. It does not make you a bad
Speaker 1: person to want to move on, but it also doesn't
Speaker 1: make you a bad person to grieve and still know
Speaker 1: that that was necessary. So what I really want to
Speaker 1: discuss next is how to manage your kind of changing
Speaker 1: friendship landscape, whether it is you're seeing more of the fizzle,
Speaker 1: or there has been a friendship breakup or people have moved.
Speaker 1: What other dos and don'ts of evolving friendships in our twenties,
Speaker 1: So all of that and more after this short break.
Speaker 1: There are a few common misconceptions about friendships that I
Speaker 1: think make us feel particularly panicked when we notice things
Speaker 1: changing in our twenties. The first one that I think
Speaker 1: is perpetrated, especially during this decade, is that we need
Speaker 1: to have a massive group of friends in order to
Speaker 1: be happy. This personally drives me insane because I have
Speaker 1: never been someone who has had this one big, jolly
Speaker 1: group of friends who do everything together, And I personally
Speaker 1: blame shows like Friends and New Girl for this idea
Speaker 1: that we need this one tight group of people from
Speaker 1: ages like ten to sixty or whatever like for our
Speaker 1: entire adult life in order to be happy. All this
Speaker 1: argument that we can't be equally fulfilled by one on
Speaker 1: one friendships. When we strip it down, what we really
Speaker 1: need friends for is trust, comfort, love, and belonging. And
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what form that comes in. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter if it's a huge group situation, or if it
Speaker 1: looks different to what we see others doing, you know,
Speaker 1: in social media, or what we see other people doing
Speaker 1: online or in the movies and the TV shows that
Speaker 1: we watch. A lot of that is fiction. And I
Speaker 1: don't think that we should buy into this idea that
Speaker 1: just because you've never had a big group of girlfriends
Speaker 1: or a big group of friends, that somehow you are
Speaker 1: lonelier than the rest. The second biggest misconception is that
Speaker 1: you should continue a friendship because you owe it to them,
Speaker 1: either due to the length of time that you've known
Speaker 1: each other, or maybe because they have a lot going
Speaker 1: on in their life. One therapist calls this a sense
Speaker 1: of emotional servitude because it involves putting effort towards a
Speaker 1: friendship as if you're paying off a debt or paying
Speaker 1: off you know, or paying them this like energy this
Speaker 1: time without ever getting anything back for you, like you
Speaker 1: are doing the emotional labor for this other person. And
Speaker 1: I see this a lot with friends in a situation
Speaker 1: where one party is really going through something really difficult,
Speaker 1: but despite that, has no respect for the wellbeing of
Speaker 1: the other person, has no appreciation for the other person's boundaries,
Speaker 1: has no appreciation for what the other person needs. Sometimes
Speaker 1: that's understandable, right, if you're going through a really hard
Speaker 1: season in life, you're not always that aware of what
Speaker 1: other people are are doing. Empathy is kind of not
Speaker 1: something that you can prioritize at that moment. But that
Speaker 1: does not mean that you are not allowed to set
Speaker 1: boundaries with this person just because you're afraid of appearing
Speaker 1: disloyal or you're afraid of upsetting them. Right, That relationship,
Speaker 1: when it gets to that point is actually, if you
Speaker 1: maintain it without setting up proper parameters or limits, is
Speaker 1: going to do a lot more harm than good. It
Speaker 1: is going to end up hurting both of you. And
Speaker 1: we see that a lot with people that have also
Speaker 1: been friends with someone for a really long time, and
Speaker 1: even though they just have nothing in common anymore, Even
Speaker 1: though this person may drain their energy, may actually make
Speaker 1: them feel bad about themselves, they stay because they don't
Speaker 1: want to be labeled as someone who leaves. And I
Speaker 1: think when you hold on too tight to people who
Speaker 1: don't want to maintain their relationship or who don't appreciate you,
Speaker 1: you're basically carrying a dead weight that is holding you
Speaker 1: back from a new season of friendship and a new
Speaker 1: season of connection for you. The third misconception is that
Speaker 1: it's too late for you to make new friends, that
Speaker 1: by our twenties we should already know the people who
Speaker 1: will be in our wedding party, or be our children's godparents,
Speaker 1: or who will mourn at their funeral. I think that
Speaker 1: is absolutely incorrect. Research has shown that we replace half
Speaker 1: of our friends every seven years up until old age,
Speaker 1: which is to say that we are constantly in a
Speaker 1: state of pruning our friendships, letting go of certain friends,
Speaker 1: letting them drift, and then subsequently making new ones throughout life.
Speaker 1: I read an article that put it really, really well
Speaker 1: that you're not going to be the same person your
Speaker 1: entire life, and you cannot expect other people to be
Speaker 1: the same version of themselves as well. You have changed
Speaker 1: so much in the past ten years, five years, even
Speaker 1: the last six months, so it makes sense that those
Speaker 1: around you, those relationships have also shifted with time. Yes,
Speaker 1: there might be certain friendships that have evolved to align
Speaker 1: with this new version of you and this new version
Speaker 1: of themselves, but it's sometimes just not feasible for you
Speaker 1: to keep up with every single person who has known
Speaker 1: you since you were a child, who is no new
Speaker 1: since you were a teenager. There's just not enough time
Speaker 1: in the week, like they're genuinely, just isn't enough time
Speaker 1: in the day to maintain connections with everybody. So you
Speaker 1: need to give yourself, I think, space to make new
Speaker 1: friendships that might fulfill you more without being scared that
Speaker 1: you will never find anybody. I kind of want to
Speaker 1: reiterate that do not hold on to these relationships just
Speaker 1: because you're scared that no one will fill their place
Speaker 1: or feel that social need in your life. I think
Speaker 1: that there are so many people that will just show
Speaker 1: up in your life one day by surprise and change everything,
Speaker 1: but you do need to leave space for them. And
Speaker 1: leaving space means the following don't adopt the philosophy that
Speaker 1: you already have all the friends you need. It may
Speaker 1: feel true, but you never know. You truly never know
Speaker 1: how much opening yourself up to that one extra person
Speaker 1: could really like change everything for you. Also say yes
Speaker 1: to things, even when they scare you. To invitations to activities,
Speaker 1: to joining sports clubs, to new hobbies. Take on the
Speaker 1: philosophy that everyone wants to be your friend. You are magnetic,
Speaker 1: You attract really good people. Don't isolate yourself by thinking
Speaker 1: that you can only be friends with one type of person,
Speaker 1: or that the length of time you've been friends with
Speaker 1: someone is the only factor in your closeness is the
Speaker 1: only kind of indicator of compatibility. I think that we
Speaker 1: buy into that a lot, that just because we've known
Speaker 1: someone the longest must mean that they are our best friend.
Speaker 1: And time and time again we see that that is
Speaker 1: not true, That compatibility and chemistry and love and platonic
Speaker 1: intimacy work in really strange and surprising ways. And with that,
Speaker 1: do not buy into this idea that you are past
Speaker 1: your friendship prime, because because when you believe that there
Speaker 1: was a time and a place to make your lifelong friends,
Speaker 1: you've missed it. You've missed the boat. You're subconsciously going
Speaker 1: to be less likely to initiate new conversations, new connections,
Speaker 1: new relationships because you already feel like you've lost. You
Speaker 1: already feel like you're behind. I also think it's very
Speaker 1: important to not respond with fear when we feel our
Speaker 1: kind of friendship landscape shifting, because fear will have you
Speaker 1: reacting in ways that are irrational and actually counter to
Speaker 1: your true intentions, which is to foster deep love with
Speaker 1: those around you to feel like you belong. Perceived rejection
Speaker 1: can really sting, But just because your relationship has changed
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it needs to be completely discarded. I
Speaker 1: think about my friendships at least a lot of the
Speaker 1: time in terms of levels. You have your top rung
Speaker 1: kind of your ride or die friendships, then those friends
Speaker 1: that you maybe wished you saw more or you're slightly
Speaker 1: less close to it at the moment. You've got your
Speaker 1: work friends, You've got your acquaintances who you would very
Speaker 1: kindly have a chat with in the street and know
Speaker 1: a little bit about their life but you're not super
Speaker 1: close to. And then you have strangers. Maybe this person,
Speaker 1: this person that you were thinking about right now, this
Speaker 1: friend is just sitting at a rung lower than normal.
Speaker 1: Does that mean that they need to be completely relegated
Speaker 1: to the strangers category? Probably not. They're just at a
Speaker 1: different point in their relationship to you. But you should
Speaker 1: keep the door open for them to come back in,
Speaker 1: for them to promote themselves back up to top. Wrong. Obviously,
Speaker 1: this does not apply to friends who have totally crossed
Speaker 1: boundaries with you or who have treated you terribly, but
Speaker 1: just those who have maybe just have different priorities right now,
Speaker 1: give them the grace that you would want in that situation.
Speaker 1: So I actually have a story about this. I have
Speaker 1: a very very close friend of mine, possibly my longest friend,
Speaker 1: and we were incredibly close for the first three or
Speaker 1: four years that we after we'd met, Like we did
Speaker 1: everything together, we knew everything about each other's life. And
Speaker 1: then we went through this period almost randomly without any
Speaker 1: context of just like complete disconnect. We saw each other rarely.
Speaker 1: I really did feel, like for certain that the friendship
Speaker 1: was over, and it was really upsetting. It weighed really
Speaker 1: heavily on my mind. But I didn't want to close
Speaker 1: the door, and I know that she didn't want to either,
Speaker 1: And lo and behold two years on, I think even
Speaker 1: a little bit longer than that. Now, like three or
Speaker 1: four years on, we are back to that same level
Speaker 1: of closeness, maybe even closer. She is one of the
Speaker 1: best people in my life. And I think it's because
Speaker 1: we gave each other permission, maybe even subconsciously, to follow
Speaker 1: our own paths, that our friendship has allowed to you know,
Speaker 1: is allowed to be this strong because we've seen it
Speaker 1: through moments of tension and moments of change, and we
Speaker 1: knew that either we would come back to each other
Speaker 1: or we wouldn't and we would still be incredibly happy
Speaker 1: for the other person. Change does not mean death, It
Speaker 1: does not mean the end. The best kinds of friendships
Speaker 1: change and evolve despite factors like time and proximity. Don't panic.
Speaker 1: I promise the fear you have is temporary, and alongside that,
Speaker 1: that fear may also motivate you to make new friends,
Speaker 1: to go out there, and I don't know, actually put
Speaker 1: yourself in a position that you haven't had to before.
Speaker 1: Put yourself in a position where friendship isn't as convenient
Speaker 1: and at once as it once was. But now you have,
Speaker 1: you know, the opportunity to choose right. Someone once said
Speaker 1: to me. I was asking this person. He was like,
Speaker 1: I don't really have many friends. And I was like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, aren't you lonely? Why don't Why wouldn't you
Speaker 1: want a million friends? And he was like, well, the
Speaker 1: people around you are who you become. And so I
Speaker 1: think that it's actually worthwhile to be a little bit
Speaker 1: picky when it comes to that. And maybe if you
Speaker 1: are at a place where you are quite isolated, and
Speaker 1: you are, you know you're quite lonely, you have seen
Speaker 1: a lot of friendships change. Instead of viewing it as
Speaker 1: this like negative, like life ending thing of like I'm
Speaker 1: never going to have what I once had, I'm never
Speaker 1: going to feel connected or like I belong again, view
Speaker 1: it as a new beginning. Be like wow, I get
Speaker 1: to like I get to create the life that I
Speaker 1: want here, I get to make the friendships that I
Speaker 1: would like to make. I get to be surprised by
Speaker 1: the people who are one day just gonna walk in
Speaker 1: the door and completely change who I am. I think
Speaker 1: loneliness is just an emotion. It is just a message
Speaker 1: from our mind telling us what we need, the same
Speaker 1: way that hunger tell you know that our body needs
Speaker 1: fuel or first tells us that we need hydration. Loneliness
Speaker 1: and feeling disconnected to people tells you that it's time
Speaker 1: to reach out. And I guess that's my final tip here.
Speaker 1: Be honest with your friends that you would like to
Speaker 1: see them more or you would like to chat more often.
Speaker 1: I did this the other day with my friend Steph whereab.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm on the friendship roller coaster right
Speaker 1: now and I'm at a dip. Can we make time
Speaker 1: to see each other? And of course she said yes.
Speaker 1: That openness, that vulnerability is vital here because often others
Speaker 1: in our life don't really know what we're going through.
Speaker 1: They don't know how we're feeling. They may not have
Speaker 1: noticed what we have noticed that we have drifted. So
Speaker 1: you can choose to say nothing, or you can choose
Speaker 1: to be honest with how with how you feel in
Speaker 1: that moment. And ninety percent of the time, the people
Speaker 1: who truly love you want you to be happy, and
Speaker 1: they will respond positively to that and they will make
Speaker 1: time for you. It is just a matter of reaching out.
Speaker 1: And you know what, in case I haven't said it
Speaker 1: enough times, this is not just you. I know it's hard.
Speaker 1: Change is hard human beings naturally fear change. Isolation is hard.
Speaker 1: But do not blame yourself or start to internalize what
Speaker 1: are actually really common transitions here as a sign that
Speaker 1: there is something wrong with you, or that you are
Speaker 1: undeserving of good, long lasting friendships. You absolutely are, you
Speaker 1: just may not have found them yet. I always think
Speaker 1: of this quote and it brings me so much peace
Speaker 1: in kind of these moments of catastrophizing. You haven't yet
Speaker 1: met all the people who you will love in this life,
Speaker 1: and I think that is so beautiful. How magical is
Speaker 1: it to imagine all of the people who are now
Speaker 1: strangers one day being individuals in your life who you
Speaker 1: won't be able to live without. These people who you
Speaker 1: will one day meet, who will tell you the story
Speaker 1: of the life they are now living. We are so young.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's so impossible to really appreciate how young we are.
Speaker 1: It is not the end of the road. There is
Speaker 1: so much more love to experience. And like we said,
Speaker 1: there has been so many studies that have shown that
Speaker 1: not only is this incredibly common, but a lot of
Speaker 1: us replace, you know, fifty percent of our friends, eighty
Speaker 1: percent of our friends every seven years. You are just
Speaker 1: in a transition period right now, along with many many others,
Speaker 1: one that you will come out of and you'll be
Speaker 1: able to look back at and say I needed that
Speaker 1: to happen. I needed to see these friendships fade away.
Speaker 1: I needed to be alone for a while in order
Speaker 1: to really appreciate how beautiful these new people in my life. Ah.
Speaker 1: So I really hope that this episode has helped normalize
Speaker 1: this experience there. I totally understand the fear. Please. I
Speaker 1: feel like I live this fear every day, so it
Speaker 1: was actually quite comforting to discuss this and to kind
Speaker 1: of explore I think some of the reasons behind why
Speaker 1: we see that happen. I really do hope that you
Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. I hope it brought you comfort. As always,
Speaker 1: if you feel like there is someone in your life
Speaker 1: who feels this way who needs to hear this episode,
Speaker 1: please feel free to sell them a link to share
Speaker 1: it along, to share the love along, leave a five
Speaker 1: star review if you feel cool to do so, and
Speaker 1: make sure your following so that you know when new
Speaker 1: episodes come out. If you have an episode suggestion as well,
Speaker 1: please follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. I
Speaker 1: love hearing from you guys, I love hearing about what
Speaker 1: your twenties has been like. You guys always have the
Speaker 1: most amazing suggestions for topics I have never considered before.
Speaker 1: So follow us over there, and as always, we will
Speaker 1: be back next week with another episode.