1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,280 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show. 5 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,559 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode, Back for another topic, 8 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,760 Speaker 1: as we break down the psychology of our twenties. When 9 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 1: we think about our twenties, I think there are four 10 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:49,159 Speaker 1: things that we worry about more than anything else. We 11 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 1: worry about love, we worry about money, the future, and finally, 12 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: our friendships. Today we're really going to focus in on 13 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: that final point there and examine the way that our 14 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: friendships change during this decade and why, despite a lot 15 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: of the fear and our anxiety and our discomfort, this 16 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:14,399 Speaker 1: experience is totally normal. It's natural, and it's going to 17 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:18,319 Speaker 1: be okay. Every one of us has had to witness 18 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: as someone they were once really close to slowly kind 19 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: of drifts away replies to their messages less and less 20 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 1: finds new friends who are maybe better for them, whilst 21 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: you're left feeling a little bit discarded, a little bit unmoored. 22 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: Or maybe you are the friend who has moved on 23 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: and you're coming to terms with the realization that you 24 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,680 Speaker 1: have outgrown the people who are once your closest friends. 25 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,959 Speaker 1: The friendship group has disbanded, your friend's just got a 26 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:47,560 Speaker 1: new partner. There are so many ways that we see 27 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 1: our friendships change, and it's scary because those relationships are 28 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,760 Speaker 1: really what hold us up during this decade is we sow, 29 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,840 Speaker 1: they kind of separate away from the security of the 30 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:03,400 Speaker 1: family unit in which form our own identity. Having a 31 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: broad set of friends in those moments to really rely 32 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: on and call upon is super vital, and it's also 33 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 1: really vital for our mental health. There's been so many 34 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: studies that have shown that people who have close friends, 35 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: close confidence, they're more satisfied with their lives, They're less 36 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: likely to suffer from depression, they overall just feel happier. 37 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 1: And in contrast, people with poor quality friendships or no friends, 38 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: they are twice as likely to die prematurely. Of course, 39 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:41,120 Speaker 1: they suffer increased loneliness. So maintaining a really healthy, broad, 40 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 1: fulfilling network of friendships is undoubtedly important, and it's not 41 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 1: just about the fact that they provide us with comfort 42 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,959 Speaker 1: and are obviously massive contributors to our health. But friendship 43 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,920 Speaker 1: is also just one of the greatest joys in life. 44 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,800 Speaker 1: Right there are genuinely friends I consider family who know 45 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 1: more about me, and any partner of mine ever has 46 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: who make me laugh like beyond reason. That connection is 47 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:13,239 Speaker 1: so deep that we never want it to fade. In fact, 48 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: I think we never consider the fact that it might. 49 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,160 Speaker 1: It might, it will. That is not where our brain 50 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 1: naturally goes to the conclusion of the friendship, because unlike 51 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: romantic relationships, I think friendships aren't meant to have an 52 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 1: expiry date. They aren't meant to go up in flames. 53 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 1: There isn't meant to be a breakup. We're not meant 54 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: to fall out of love with our friends. That is 55 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: kind of the beauty of platonic intimacy and connection. It's 56 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: meant to outlast a lot of other forms of love. 57 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: So it comes as a shock when we begin to 58 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: notice our relationships really shifting or drifting apart from people, 59 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,120 Speaker 1: or realizing that we have mutually outgrown each other or 60 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 1: just need space. And a lot of the time our 61 00:03:55,360 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: instinct is to a blame ourselves or be panic immediately 62 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 1: jump to the worst case scenario, What if I lose 63 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 1: all my friends and I end up alone. We don't 64 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,520 Speaker 1: give ourselves the grace or the permission in these moments 65 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 1: of transition to understand that some friendships just have a 66 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,679 Speaker 1: shorter life cycle, and our friends scape is naturally going 67 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 1: to shift with age and time. And I think that reaction, 68 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 1: that entire sequence of events and realizations is what we're 69 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 1: really talking about today, along with all of the psychology 70 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,320 Speaker 1: that I think comes with watching our friendships change in 71 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:38,360 Speaker 1: our twenties, we are going to explore the why, including 72 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: the literal scientific formula for friendship, the types of friendship 73 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,479 Speaker 1: endings from the fizzle to the replacement or the breakup, 74 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 1: how intensity may actually shorten the lifespan of our friendships, 75 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: and the impact of simply just entering into a new 76 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 1: chapter of your life and dealing with some of the 77 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:04,160 Speaker 1: loneliness that might come along with that. I think there 78 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: are a lot of friendship misconceptions that keep us stuck 79 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 1: in really really draining relationships. You know what, Am I 80 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,719 Speaker 1: a bad person if I don't want to be friends 81 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: with this person anymore? Am I toxic? Because all of 82 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,960 Speaker 1: my friends have kind of moved away and stopped talking 83 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:24,039 Speaker 1: to me. Am I boring? How am I going to 84 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:28,599 Speaker 1: adapt to this new reality? There is so much to 85 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,880 Speaker 1: discuss here, especially since I think it is so universal. 86 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 1: It is such an important experience to explore because it 87 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,599 Speaker 1: is inherently isolating, so we don't find ourselves talking about 88 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,960 Speaker 1: it enough. Which is to say, in the midst of 89 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: a massive friendship transition that I'm sure we are all experiencing. 90 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 1: I really hope this helps you. I hope that this 91 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 1: gives you a sense of guidance. So, without further ado, 92 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: let's get into the psychology behind why are friendships change 93 00:05:55,560 --> 00:06:05,919 Speaker 1: and why that is totally okay. This past year for 94 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: me has been a period of like rapid transition, and 95 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 1: with that there's been this real shift in who I 96 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: spend my time with the friendships I have, and unfortunately 97 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 1: it's required a lot of reflecting on some of the 98 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 1: people that I have seen fade away from my life 99 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: and kind of feeling a little bit like my friendship 100 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,960 Speaker 1: circle is unbalanced. The true biggest factors for me, I 101 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: think in that change has been firstly, seeing a lot 102 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 1: of my friends move away from the city where we 103 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 1: kind of all grew to knew each other when we 104 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: were at university. We all went to university at Canberra, 105 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 1: And I was talking to my boyfriend about this the 106 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,960 Speaker 1: other day. But I think the reason I've been feeling 107 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 1: really isolated is because as we enter into our I 108 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 1: think early in mid twenties in particular, a lot of 109 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,839 Speaker 1: people choose to scatter, a lot of people move away. 110 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,480 Speaker 1: And the people that I'm closest to one now lives 111 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,600 Speaker 1: in Paris, one lives in London, one lives in Tasmania, 112 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 1: which is like a kind of semi regional island off 113 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: of Australia. You know, one of them is in Nepal, 114 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 1: and everyone just makes the decision that's best for them. 115 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 1: They move on with their lives, and that means that 116 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: each of us is feeling, I think uniquely, very isolated. 117 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,680 Speaker 1: That distance is naturally going to change kind of the 118 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: dynamic because you don't have that same proximity and the 119 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: ease or access to this other person. It requires more 120 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: of an investment. And if you're not willing to keep 121 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 1: that up, you have to be willing to see that 122 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,800 Speaker 1: friendship fizzle out a little bit, not be what it 123 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,760 Speaker 1: once was or kind of hope that they return, and 124 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: it's one of those magical moments where it's kind of 125 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: right back to normal. So I think that's like the 126 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: first big change I've seen in my personal life. The 127 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,800 Speaker 1: second factor has to do not just with specific friendships, 128 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,640 Speaker 1: but an entire way of socializing. The older we get, 129 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,240 Speaker 1: I think we lose some of our interest in the 130 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 1: ways we used to hang out with our friends when 131 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: we were eighteen or nineteen or even twenty, particularly to 132 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 1: do with the drinking culture. I know for me personally 133 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: that when I was at UNI, it was like binge 134 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,720 Speaker 1: drinking central, like that was part of how we socialized, 135 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:26,600 Speaker 1: That was part of how we spent our you know, Thursday, Friday, 136 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: Saturday nights. It is this thing in psychology called bad 137 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: behavior bonding, where we sometimes find ourselves really attracted and 138 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 1: attached to people who are on an equally chaotic and 139 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: self destructive path or in that same place as us 140 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 1: in that moment, and then we enable each other. But 141 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,839 Speaker 1: when one person decides it's kind of time to outgrow that, 142 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 1: that they've matured past that kind of chapter, it comes 143 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 1: at the cost of the friends they made through those behaviors. 144 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 1: I think eighteen year old Gema would be shocked to 145 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 1: hear that. You know, I don't go clubbing really anymore. 146 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,240 Speaker 1: I don't really want to be up to two am 147 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,360 Speaker 1: on a weeknight. I want to be in bed, I 148 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 1: want to be watching Seinfeld. My threshold for social interaction, 149 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: and I think most people's threshold for social interaction has 150 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 1: lowered significantly as I've entered, like my mid twenties. Some 151 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 1: of that is obviously environmental, but also some of it 152 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,280 Speaker 1: is just psychological and personal, like that's not what I'm 153 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: really interested in anymore. And then there's the other factor 154 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 1: of the fact that I have met someone that I 155 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,200 Speaker 1: have a partner. Now, when we enter into a relationship, 156 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 1: this center of our social universe, our emotional universe, or 157 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:46,319 Speaker 1: solar system, it shifts away from our friendships and towards 158 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: our partner. And if you're not careful, you kind of 159 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,240 Speaker 1: fall out of orbit with those around you. You know, 160 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 1: you want to spend as much time as possible with 161 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 1: this person that you're falling in love with. You want 162 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 1: to see them all the time, You want to invite 163 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,560 Speaker 1: them to everything that you're doing. That can sometimes come 164 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:06,960 Speaker 1: at the expense of those platonic relationships that you've maintained 165 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,840 Speaker 1: for much longer than you've known this person. So I 166 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,400 Speaker 1: think it's these like two to three parallel changes that 167 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:17,840 Speaker 1: have left me feeling pretty isolated, perhaps feeling like I 168 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:22,800 Speaker 1: haven't adapted as quickly to these situations as I could have. However, 169 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 1: I also recognize that in our twenties we are writing 170 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,320 Speaker 1: what I like to call the friendship roller coaster. The 171 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:35,080 Speaker 1: friendship roller coaster is this phenomenon I've noticed whereby we 172 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: can feel incredibly happy and fulfilled by our friendships, almost 173 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,800 Speaker 1: overwhelmed with love, you know, one day, and then three 174 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 1: days later you can end up in this total thought 175 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: spiral about how we have no one, how we're totally alone, 176 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 1: how no one wants to spend time with you know, 177 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 1: with us, as if three days earlier you hadn't been 178 00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: having the best time, you hadn't been feeling totally validated. 179 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 1: That is the friendship roller coaster of our twenties. There 180 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: are a lot of really high highs and a lot 181 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 1: of really low lows, and normally at those low points, 182 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: nothing really has changed except our mental state. And it 183 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 1: goes to show how so much of our experience of 184 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 1: feeling isolated or lonely is entirely subjective, and it's based 185 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 1: on what I think is a very instinctial, inherent fear 186 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: of loneliness that is not always based on the truth. 187 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,880 Speaker 1: It is a false alarm. That is why we are 188 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:38,200 Speaker 1: so fearful of our friendships changing, because underneath that fear 189 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,600 Speaker 1: is a much more primal fear of being alone, and 190 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:47,880 Speaker 1: so we become really hyper vigilant to any cues, small 191 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: suggestions that point to the fact that our relationships are weakening, 192 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: that people are becoming more distant. Sometimes that is true. 193 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 1: As sad as it is, we are naturally going to 194 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 1: lose friends. It is unavoidable, and I want to talk 195 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 1: about why we see that so often in our twenties. 196 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: In particular, this decade is a period of transition for 197 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 1: all of us career transition, mental transition, emotional transition, even 198 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: physical transition, as we've spoken about, as we kind of move, 199 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 1: we scatter, we pursue different paths. Everyone is kind of 200 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,040 Speaker 1: on their own you know, I know it sounds cheesy, 201 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,640 Speaker 1: but their own journey in that moment, we are all 202 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,200 Speaker 1: trying equally as hard as everyone else to just figure 203 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 1: out what we want from life and how we can 204 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: actually do those things. It's interesting because I think although 205 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 1: we are all the same age, we are all almost 206 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 1: like different life points. We've all hit different milestones. Some 207 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,160 Speaker 1: of us are still living at home, some of us 208 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 1: have moved in with like partners. We're living abroad, some 209 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,440 Speaker 1: of us are still at UNI. We are all at 210 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: these very differ different stages. Whereas for the first eighteen 211 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 1: years of our lives, if someone was our age, we 212 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: could assume that they were doing a lot of the 213 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: same things as we were. We were kind of living 214 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 1: parallel lives because of the structures of childhood and adolescents. 215 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 1: But in our twenties that all splinters. It's kind of 216 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,679 Speaker 1: like a life path explosion. It's at this point of 217 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: I don't want to say, you know, upheaval, but like 218 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: significant growth and impact that we see. The relationships around 219 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 1: us change as well, and they will continue to do 220 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 1: so for the remainder of our twenties and the remainder 221 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 1: of our lives. One of the biggest moments that I 222 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: think we encounter this is following university or high school. 223 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:50,520 Speaker 1: When we are at UNI, we spend so much time together. 224 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: There is just endless opportunities to be around your friends, 225 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,079 Speaker 1: opportunities to laugh, to have fun, and we are having 226 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,560 Speaker 1: this very share experience. We're working towards the same goal 227 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 1: to you know, graduate at the end of all this, 228 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: and our friendships at that point are really really convenient. 229 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,839 Speaker 1: You are living in the same place, possibly the same town, 230 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:16,120 Speaker 1: even sometimes the same building. You're going to the library 231 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 1: every day, you are eating together every day, seeing each 232 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: other as much as you can. And when we no 233 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:26,880 Speaker 1: longer have a those shared experiences or be the shared environment, 234 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:31,280 Speaker 1: we slowly lose that closeness. And to understand this, we 235 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: really need to look at the psychological principles underlying friendship. 236 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: These researchers back in the nineties they proposed it there 237 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: are for keen ingredients or factors that can basically predict 238 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 1: whether you and someone else will become friends and also 239 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,200 Speaker 1: whether you'll be able to maintain that friendship. And these 240 00:14:53,240 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: like ingredients are proximity, similarity, familiarity, and reciprocity. So proximity 241 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 1: basically just means physical closeness. How easy is it for 242 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,640 Speaker 1: you to see this person regularly. They did a study 243 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,320 Speaker 1: on this at university dorm rooms and they found that 244 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 1: how close people's rooms were to each other actually predicted 245 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,280 Speaker 1: the likelihood of them becoming friends. A lot of our 246 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: friendships basically come down to the ease of contact and 247 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 1: the frequency of contact. Secondly, we have similarity. We're obviously 248 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: going to like someone more if they share the same interests, hobbies, 249 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: lifestyle beliefs as us, but this also includes similarity in 250 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 1: terms of current and past life experiences or a similar 251 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: sharing a similar environment. Then we have familiarity that refers 252 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,360 Speaker 1: to not just how long we've known someone, how close 253 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 1: we are with them, but also the depth of the connection. 254 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,920 Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we think that the people who have 255 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 1: known us the longest know us the best. That is 256 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 1: not always the case. Sometimes we meet people and there 257 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:12,800 Speaker 1: is just this intense, intense spark, this intense platonic chemistry, 258 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 1: such that we automatically immediately feel like we have known 259 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,840 Speaker 1: them our whole lives. Familiarity is basically just close knowledge 260 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: of another person. And finally, we have reciprocity, which is 261 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,920 Speaker 1: knowing that what you give someone in terms of your love, 262 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,720 Speaker 1: in terms of your energy, in terms of your time 263 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 1: is going to be returned, is going to be reciprocated. 264 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:42,000 Speaker 1: So those are the most important factors. When we talk 265 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 1: about our friendships changing in our twenties, nine out of 266 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:50,720 Speaker 1: ten times I would say that change normally comes down 267 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,880 Speaker 1: to a shift in one of these four conditions. For example, 268 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,080 Speaker 1: when people move away or they get really busy they 269 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: start full time work, lose that proximity. It makes it 270 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,760 Speaker 1: harder to see them. When we lose those shared experiences 271 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: like no longer being a university together, we have less 272 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,080 Speaker 1: to talk about. When we lose that familiarity, we feel 273 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,919 Speaker 1: like this person no longer knows us. And when we 274 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:19,400 Speaker 1: begin to see a friendship as one sided without that 275 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,880 Speaker 1: reciprocity we were speaking about, this is when it makes 276 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:26,159 Speaker 1: us question how much this person really wants us to 277 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,040 Speaker 1: be in their life. What I often say is that 278 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: friendships can survive a reduction or a change in one 279 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,680 Speaker 1: of these conditions, but not to so. For example, it's 280 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,840 Speaker 1: totally fine if your friend gets really busy at work 281 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 1: and can only see you once a fortnight, once a month, 282 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:51,560 Speaker 1: as long as you maintain that similarity, familiarity, reciprocity. You 283 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,280 Speaker 1: make time when you have time, and you talk about 284 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,960 Speaker 1: things that are interesting and you want to see them. 285 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:02,399 Speaker 1: But if suddenly you no longer have those shared stories, beliefs, values, interests, 286 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 1: and then you also don't see them regularly. That is 287 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,520 Speaker 1: when the friendship starts to crumble, or if the friend 288 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 1: is not reciprocating your excitement or your investment in seeing 289 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,840 Speaker 1: them again, we really begin to question the value of 290 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 1: the friendship or how much longer it can last. I 291 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:22,640 Speaker 1: want to stress this again. I know that that feels 292 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 1: really painful, but it's not abnormal. You are not the 293 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:31,480 Speaker 1: only one who is either going through these changes themselves, 294 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:36,119 Speaker 1: struggling to connect with people you once loved, or watching 295 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,080 Speaker 1: someone else feel the same way about your friendship, watching 296 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:45,440 Speaker 1: the people around you suddenly almost disappear. Friendships change because 297 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 1: people change, and sometimes they just don't change in the 298 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,840 Speaker 1: same direction. That is not a crime. It is not 299 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,200 Speaker 1: because there is something wrong with you or something wrong 300 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,560 Speaker 1: with them. I think the worst thing we can do 301 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,680 Speaker 1: in response to that is actually act from a place 302 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 1: of anger or rejection, because you're not actually angry at them, 303 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,000 Speaker 1: You're just hurt. You're just scared of losing them. You're 304 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,720 Speaker 1: just scared of change. And your sadness and your panic 305 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: is in itself and indicated that you love them deeply. 306 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: So I think when we are in those moments where 307 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,679 Speaker 1: we are really fearful that we're losing people, feeling like 308 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 1: we should push them away or you know, sometimes find 309 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:29,920 Speaker 1: a replacement, we do just need to pause and approach 310 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: this very rationally. This is all about a transition. It's 311 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: all about a journey and where you are at now 312 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 1: with your friends. Like we said, it is the friendship rollercoaster. 313 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,359 Speaker 1: It may not be where you end up. There are 314 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:49,280 Speaker 1: other factors as well that I think also alter our 315 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: friendships irreversibly, and that includes really significant events like a 316 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:59,920 Speaker 1: big breach of trust, a betrayal, misunderstandings. I think these 317 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 1: things differ from what we were talking about before, and 318 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 1: when we encounter those things. There are four kind of 319 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:10,760 Speaker 1: friendship breakups that we most often see. These are the 320 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:16,440 Speaker 1: friendship fizzle, the replacement, the one sided severance, and the 321 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 1: breakup where really drastic measures are required. So I would say, 322 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,680 Speaker 1: if we have a look at our friendships, the mutual 323 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,320 Speaker 1: and you know, friendships from the past, the mutual fizzle 324 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,360 Speaker 1: is most common. There are some people we are not 325 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: meant to be around our entire lives. We are only 326 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 1: meant to be with them for a season before it is, 327 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 1: you know, time for us to move on. Maybe this 328 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 1: person just no longer fills your cup in the same 329 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: way you were friends at work. Now you no longer 330 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:51,600 Speaker 1: have that shared topic to discuss. They were your ex's friends. 331 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,520 Speaker 1: The key word though, here is mutual. We both kind 332 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,480 Speaker 1: of understand that we aren't as close as we once were. 333 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: The context around us has changed, and perhaps it's time 334 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,160 Speaker 1: to actually just let the other person go. Stop trying 335 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: to reschedule the plans, just let it fizzle. Then we 336 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:16,199 Speaker 1: have the replacement. This one really hurts. It hurts so much. 337 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,480 Speaker 1: Sometimes we have this really intense relationship with someone. They're 338 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,840 Speaker 1: our best friend, we do everything together, and then slowly 339 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,080 Speaker 1: they start mentioning some other person more and more, they're 340 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:30,040 Speaker 1: spending more time with them. We feel shut out or replaced, 341 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,920 Speaker 1: or perhaps, as we were talking about, before they meet 342 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: someone they meet a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner, 343 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:41,199 Speaker 1: even though we know that we are not entitled to 344 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,840 Speaker 1: all of their time. A lot of this comes from 345 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,160 Speaker 1: a very i think justified place of jealousy, and it's 346 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,920 Speaker 1: a jealousy we typically think is reserved for romantic relationships, 347 00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 1: but when you love someone as deeply as you love 348 00:21:55,600 --> 00:22:00,240 Speaker 1: this person, another individual's kind of entrance into your relationship 349 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:04,199 Speaker 1: or like the equation can feel like a real threat. 350 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 1: And it's these friendships, I think, those very very very 351 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,880 Speaker 1: close friendships that keep us quite grounded, that actually form 352 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: a huge part of our identity and how we see ourselves. 353 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:20,639 Speaker 1: So when one person seemingly moves on or stops investing 354 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,959 Speaker 1: as much, or starts investing more in someone else, it 355 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: can quite honestly leave us feeling really lost, maybe feel 356 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,159 Speaker 1: like we should be sharing our time around as well. 357 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,640 Speaker 1: There's also a saying about these intense relationships that really 358 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 1: applies here. The flame that burns twice as bright burns 359 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: out quicker. I see this all the time with those 360 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,880 Speaker 1: really high intensity friendships. You're kind of like addicted to them. 361 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,159 Speaker 1: You put a lot of pressure on them more than 362 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: other friendships. You have this really high expectation, this high 363 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,399 Speaker 1: level of time that you spend with each other, and 364 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 1: a lot of demands for the other person that I 365 00:22:55,840 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 1: think can rarely be sustained without the occasional brain or 366 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,879 Speaker 1: some very solid boundaries. And I don't think that those relationships, 367 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:10,760 Speaker 1: those really intense relationships can survive very long without one 368 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 1: person in that kind of dynamic choosing to make a change, 369 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 1: which is why I think not only do they hurt 370 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 1: a lot, but we also see them ending quite frequently. 371 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 1: And then we have this one sided severance where without reason, 372 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:33,760 Speaker 1: someone suddenly detaches, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't 373 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 1: want to communicate with you, doesn't really offer you any 374 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,720 Speaker 1: kind of explanation. That is just I can understand how 375 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,399 Speaker 1: devastating that is. I've had that happen to me before. 376 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 1: Sometimes people have their reasons they don't want to share 377 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,960 Speaker 1: them with you. That's fine, but you're kind of having 378 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,680 Speaker 1: to go through a friendship breakup all on your own, 379 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 1: without the closure. We have to go searching for the 380 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,960 Speaker 1: answers ourselves. I think when a true friendship breakup actually occurs, 381 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 1: we kind of both understand why. We know what happened, 382 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,359 Speaker 1: we know our role in it, we know what we 383 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,560 Speaker 1: need to take accountability for. But when we have these 384 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:15,280 Speaker 1: one sided severances, you really are kind of left in 385 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,479 Speaker 1: the dark. You're left looking for your own answers. I 386 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 1: really do believe that friendship breakups hurt so much more 387 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:30,359 Speaker 1: than romantic breakups because we never expect them. Friendships always 388 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,879 Speaker 1: feel so permanent, and as we get older we quickly 389 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 1: realize that they're not. It is okay to grieve what was, 390 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 1: to think about them, to want to reach out, but 391 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,680 Speaker 1: it's also okay to recognize that, just like the end 392 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:47,119 Speaker 1: of a romantic relationship, this might have been for the best. 393 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,000 Speaker 1: Sometimes not only do we grow apart, but we begin 394 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: to kind of realize and recognize how this person has 395 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:59,960 Speaker 1: caused friction in our lives. May not have respected our boundaries, 396 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:04,880 Speaker 1: or maybe there was some event where suddenly you saw 397 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,720 Speaker 1: them in a new light and you're just shocked that 398 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: this is actually who they are and you've never seen 399 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:14,240 Speaker 1: that before. I actually had someone tell me the other 400 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,959 Speaker 1: day about a friendship breakup they had with their best 401 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:21,320 Speaker 1: friend of eight years, and they went on vacation together, 402 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:26,640 Speaker 1: and throughout this trip, this person slowly realized that her 403 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 1: and her friend could not be friends anymore, that when 404 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 1: she returned it would have to be over. Her friend 405 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,800 Speaker 1: was cruel, would yell at her, would ignore her when 406 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:41,199 Speaker 1: other people were around, wasn't willing to compromise. That is 407 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: not a relationship we should prioritize. And sometimes we don't 408 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 1: see those parts of someone until we see them in 409 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 1: a new situation like a wedding, like an engagement, like 410 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 1: a baby is coming, or one of you is experiencing 411 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 1: like a lot of really great success and the other 412 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,560 Speaker 1: person is jealous. In those situations, it's better to kind 413 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:06,879 Speaker 1: of feel lonely than to be around someone or trust 414 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:11,160 Speaker 1: someone who obviously doesn't have your best intentions at heart. 415 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,920 Speaker 1: And I guess that's one of my main premises or 416 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:18,320 Speaker 1: arguments here. Not all friendships are meant to last for 417 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:22,439 Speaker 1: a good reason, and our fear of loneliness should not 418 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,200 Speaker 1: keep us in relationships that do not nurture and build 419 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,199 Speaker 1: us up and make us better people. We should not 420 00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: sacrifice our boundaries or our needs for the sake of company. 421 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: You can find company anywhere. You can go to the 422 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,720 Speaker 1: local coffee shop and have a chat with some nice 423 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,440 Speaker 1: lady in her sixties, and then you go at bingo, bengo, 424 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,480 Speaker 1: you have a best friend. When we continue to pour 425 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 1: attention and time and energy into these dead end relationships, 426 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,439 Speaker 1: we lose out on a lot of other opportunities to 427 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,800 Speaker 1: meet people who might suit this chapter or season of 428 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 1: your life better, even if it takes time. The saying 429 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,159 Speaker 1: that I always come back to again and again and again. 430 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: It is impossible to keep every single friend you've ever had, 431 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:13,359 Speaker 1: especially as you add new relationships, when your life circumstances change, 432 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: or when you become aware of key differences in your 433 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,800 Speaker 1: values and characters. It does not make you a bad 434 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,879 Speaker 1: person to want to move on, but it also doesn't 435 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,320 Speaker 1: make you a bad person to grieve and still know 436 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: that that was necessary. So what I really want to 437 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,760 Speaker 1: discuss next is how to manage your kind of changing 438 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 1: friendship landscape, whether it is you're seeing more of the fizzle, 439 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,400 Speaker 1: or there has been a friendship breakup or people have moved. 440 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:44,880 Speaker 1: What other dos and don'ts of evolving friendships in our twenties, 441 00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:48,600 Speaker 1: So all of that and more after this short break. 442 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 1: There are a few common misconceptions about friendships that I 443 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:03,160 Speaker 1: think make us feel particularly panicked when we notice things 444 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,120 Speaker 1: changing in our twenties. The first one that I think 445 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 1: is perpetrated, especially during this decade, is that we need 446 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,080 Speaker 1: to have a massive group of friends in order to 447 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:20,199 Speaker 1: be happy. This personally drives me insane because I have 448 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,040 Speaker 1: never been someone who has had this one big, jolly 449 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,640 Speaker 1: group of friends who do everything together, And I personally 450 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: blame shows like Friends and New Girl for this idea 451 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: that we need this one tight group of people from 452 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 1: ages like ten to sixty or whatever like for our 453 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,960 Speaker 1: entire adult life in order to be happy. All this 454 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,360 Speaker 1: argument that we can't be equally fulfilled by one on 455 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:50,840 Speaker 1: one friendships. When we strip it down, what we really 456 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:56,800 Speaker 1: need friends for is trust, comfort, love, and belonging. And 457 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,240 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what form that comes in. It doesn't 458 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,200 Speaker 1: matter if it's a huge group situation, or if it 459 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:06,080 Speaker 1: looks different to what we see others doing, you know, 460 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,960 Speaker 1: in social media, or what we see other people doing 461 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: online or in the movies and the TV shows that 462 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: we watch. A lot of that is fiction. And I 463 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:18,280 Speaker 1: don't think that we should buy into this idea that 464 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,400 Speaker 1: just because you've never had a big group of girlfriends 465 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: or a big group of friends, that somehow you are 466 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: lonelier than the rest. The second biggest misconception is that 467 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,800 Speaker 1: you should continue a friendship because you owe it to them, 468 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,520 Speaker 1: either due to the length of time that you've known 469 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 1: each other, or maybe because they have a lot going 470 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 1: on in their life. One therapist calls this a sense 471 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 1: of emotional servitude because it involves putting effort towards a 472 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,680 Speaker 1: friendship as if you're paying off a debt or paying 473 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,400 Speaker 1: off you know, or paying them this like energy this 474 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,360 Speaker 1: time without ever getting anything back for you, like you 475 00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:01,000 Speaker 1: are doing the emotional labor for this other person. And 476 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,840 Speaker 1: I see this a lot with friends in a situation 477 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,640 Speaker 1: where one party is really going through something really difficult, 478 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 1: but despite that, has no respect for the wellbeing of 479 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 1: the other person, has no appreciation for the other person's boundaries, 480 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 1: has no appreciation for what the other person needs. Sometimes 481 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,160 Speaker 1: that's understandable, right, if you're going through a really hard 482 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,320 Speaker 1: season in life, you're not always that aware of what 483 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,840 Speaker 1: other people are are doing. Empathy is kind of not 484 00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 1: something that you can prioritize at that moment. But that 485 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 1: does not mean that you are not allowed to set 486 00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:38,280 Speaker 1: boundaries with this person just because you're afraid of appearing 487 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:43,160 Speaker 1: disloyal or you're afraid of upsetting them. Right, That relationship, 488 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,720 Speaker 1: when it gets to that point is actually, if you 489 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 1: maintain it without setting up proper parameters or limits, is 490 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:55,000 Speaker 1: going to do a lot more harm than good. It 491 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,880 Speaker 1: is going to end up hurting both of you. And 492 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 1: we see that a lot with people that have also 493 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,120 Speaker 1: been friends with someone for a really long time, and 494 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,200 Speaker 1: even though they just have nothing in common anymore, Even 495 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 1: though this person may drain their energy, may actually make 496 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 1: them feel bad about themselves, they stay because they don't 497 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:18,160 Speaker 1: want to be labeled as someone who leaves. And I 498 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,640 Speaker 1: think when you hold on too tight to people who 499 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:25,160 Speaker 1: don't want to maintain their relationship or who don't appreciate you, 500 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,480 Speaker 1: you're basically carrying a dead weight that is holding you 501 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 1: back from a new season of friendship and a new 502 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 1: season of connection for you. The third misconception is that 503 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 1: it's too late for you to make new friends, that 504 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:44,120 Speaker 1: by our twenties we should already know the people who 505 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: will be in our wedding party, or be our children's godparents, 506 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:51,320 Speaker 1: or who will mourn at their funeral. I think that 507 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 1: is absolutely incorrect. Research has shown that we replace half 508 00:31:56,520 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 1: of our friends every seven years up until old age, 509 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,680 Speaker 1: which is to say that we are constantly in a 510 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: state of pruning our friendships, letting go of certain friends, 511 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 1: letting them drift, and then subsequently making new ones throughout life. 512 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,480 Speaker 1: I read an article that put it really, really well 513 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: that you're not going to be the same person your 514 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,600 Speaker 1: entire life, and you cannot expect other people to be 515 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,760 Speaker 1: the same version of themselves as well. You have changed 516 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,480 Speaker 1: so much in the past ten years, five years, even 517 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: the last six months, so it makes sense that those 518 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:36,440 Speaker 1: around you, those relationships have also shifted with time. Yes, 519 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:41,400 Speaker 1: there might be certain friendships that have evolved to align 520 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,560 Speaker 1: with this new version of you and this new version 521 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,280 Speaker 1: of themselves, but it's sometimes just not feasible for you 522 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:51,880 Speaker 1: to keep up with every single person who has known 523 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,920 Speaker 1: you since you were a child, who is no new 524 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,800 Speaker 1: since you were a teenager. There's just not enough time 525 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,120 Speaker 1: in the week, like they're genuinely, just isn't enough time 526 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:05,600 Speaker 1: in the day to maintain connections with everybody. So you 527 00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:10,480 Speaker 1: need to give yourself, I think, space to make new 528 00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:15,560 Speaker 1: friendships that might fulfill you more without being scared that 529 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:18,800 Speaker 1: you will never find anybody. I kind of want to 530 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:23,560 Speaker 1: reiterate that do not hold on to these relationships just 531 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,000 Speaker 1: because you're scared that no one will fill their place 532 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:29,880 Speaker 1: or feel that social need in your life. I think 533 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,320 Speaker 1: that there are so many people that will just show 534 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,880 Speaker 1: up in your life one day by surprise and change everything, 535 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,040 Speaker 1: but you do need to leave space for them. And 536 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:43,600 Speaker 1: leaving space means the following don't adopt the philosophy that 537 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:47,040 Speaker 1: you already have all the friends you need. It may 538 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,400 Speaker 1: feel true, but you never know. You truly never know 539 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,720 Speaker 1: how much opening yourself up to that one extra person 540 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 1: could really like change everything for you. Also say yes 541 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,080 Speaker 1: to things, even when they scare you. To invitations to activities, 542 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:05,560 Speaker 1: to joining sports clubs, to new hobbies. Take on the 543 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:11,000 Speaker 1: philosophy that everyone wants to be your friend. You are magnetic, 544 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:16,640 Speaker 1: You attract really good people. Don't isolate yourself by thinking 545 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:20,240 Speaker 1: that you can only be friends with one type of person, 546 00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:24,120 Speaker 1: or that the length of time you've been friends with 547 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:28,280 Speaker 1: someone is the only factor in your closeness is the 548 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:34,000 Speaker 1: only kind of indicator of compatibility. I think that we 549 00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:37,640 Speaker 1: buy into that a lot, that just because we've known 550 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 1: someone the longest must mean that they are our best friend. 551 00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:43,080 Speaker 1: And time and time again we see that that is 552 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:48,480 Speaker 1: not true, That compatibility and chemistry and love and platonic 553 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:53,400 Speaker 1: intimacy work in really strange and surprising ways. And with that, 554 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,480 Speaker 1: do not buy into this idea that you are past 555 00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:01,719 Speaker 1: your friendship prime, because because when you believe that there 556 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,200 Speaker 1: was a time and a place to make your lifelong friends, 557 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:08,359 Speaker 1: you've missed it. You've missed the boat. You're subconsciously going 558 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: to be less likely to initiate new conversations, new connections, 559 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:16,400 Speaker 1: new relationships because you already feel like you've lost. You 560 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,879 Speaker 1: already feel like you're behind. I also think it's very 561 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,040 Speaker 1: important to not respond with fear when we feel our 562 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,120 Speaker 1: kind of friendship landscape shifting, because fear will have you 563 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:29,759 Speaker 1: reacting in ways that are irrational and actually counter to 564 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:33,120 Speaker 1: your true intentions, which is to foster deep love with 565 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,400 Speaker 1: those around you to feel like you belong. Perceived rejection 566 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:40,040 Speaker 1: can really sting, But just because your relationship has changed 567 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,719 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it needs to be completely discarded. I 568 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:46,759 Speaker 1: think about my friendships at least a lot of the 569 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:51,000 Speaker 1: time in terms of levels. You have your top rung 570 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,840 Speaker 1: kind of your ride or die friendships, then those friends 571 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:58,520 Speaker 1: that you maybe wished you saw more or you're slightly 572 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:01,440 Speaker 1: less close to it at the moment. You've got your 573 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:05,799 Speaker 1: work friends, You've got your acquaintances who you would very 574 00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,160 Speaker 1: kindly have a chat with in the street and know 575 00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:10,600 Speaker 1: a little bit about their life but you're not super 576 00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:16,400 Speaker 1: close to. And then you have strangers. Maybe this person, 577 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,000 Speaker 1: this person that you were thinking about right now, this 578 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:23,800 Speaker 1: friend is just sitting at a rung lower than normal. 579 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,600 Speaker 1: Does that mean that they need to be completely relegated 580 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:32,000 Speaker 1: to the strangers category? Probably not. They're just at a 581 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,480 Speaker 1: different point in their relationship to you. But you should 582 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,879 Speaker 1: keep the door open for them to come back in, 583 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:43,840 Speaker 1: for them to promote themselves back up to top. Wrong. Obviously, 584 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,240 Speaker 1: this does not apply to friends who have totally crossed 585 00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,239 Speaker 1: boundaries with you or who have treated you terribly, but 586 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,080 Speaker 1: just those who have maybe just have different priorities right now, 587 00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:55,759 Speaker 1: give them the grace that you would want in that situation. 588 00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:59,160 Speaker 1: So I actually have a story about this. I have 589 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:03,480 Speaker 1: a very very close friend of mine, possibly my longest friend, 590 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:08,440 Speaker 1: and we were incredibly close for the first three or 591 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:11,680 Speaker 1: four years that we after we'd met, Like we did 592 00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 1: everything together, we knew everything about each other's life. And 593 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:19,960 Speaker 1: then we went through this period almost randomly without any 594 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:25,240 Speaker 1: context of just like complete disconnect. We saw each other rarely. 595 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,240 Speaker 1: I really did feel, like for certain that the friendship 596 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,600 Speaker 1: was over, and it was really upsetting. It weighed really 597 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:33,960 Speaker 1: heavily on my mind. But I didn't want to close 598 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,480 Speaker 1: the door, and I know that she didn't want to either, 599 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:40,799 Speaker 1: And lo and behold two years on, I think even 600 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:43,120 Speaker 1: a little bit longer than that. Now, like three or 601 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,080 Speaker 1: four years on, we are back to that same level 602 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:49,239 Speaker 1: of closeness, maybe even closer. She is one of the 603 00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:51,760 Speaker 1: best people in my life. And I think it's because 604 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:55,720 Speaker 1: we gave each other permission, maybe even subconsciously, to follow 605 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:59,319 Speaker 1: our own paths, that our friendship has allowed to you know, 606 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,279 Speaker 1: is allowed to be this strong because we've seen it 607 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,799 Speaker 1: through moments of tension and moments of change, and we 608 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:09,160 Speaker 1: knew that either we would come back to each other 609 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,240 Speaker 1: or we wouldn't and we would still be incredibly happy 610 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:16,799 Speaker 1: for the other person. Change does not mean death, It 611 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:21,400 Speaker 1: does not mean the end. The best kinds of friendships 612 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:27,240 Speaker 1: change and evolve despite factors like time and proximity. Don't panic. 613 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:33,120 Speaker 1: I promise the fear you have is temporary, and alongside that, 614 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:37,320 Speaker 1: that fear may also motivate you to make new friends, 615 00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:41,799 Speaker 1: to go out there, and I don't know, actually put 616 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,600 Speaker 1: yourself in a position that you haven't had to before. 617 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:47,840 Speaker 1: Put yourself in a position where friendship isn't as convenient 618 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:50,719 Speaker 1: and at once as it once was. But now you have, 619 00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,799 Speaker 1: you know, the opportunity to choose right. Someone once said 620 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,759 Speaker 1: to me. I was asking this person. He was like, 621 00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,920 Speaker 1: I don't really have many friends. And I was like, well, 622 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:03,120 Speaker 1: you know, aren't you lonely? Why don't Why wouldn't you 623 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:06,000 Speaker 1: want a million friends? And he was like, well, the 624 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:08,440 Speaker 1: people around you are who you become. And so I 625 00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,799 Speaker 1: think that it's actually worthwhile to be a little bit 626 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,319 Speaker 1: picky when it comes to that. And maybe if you 627 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,680 Speaker 1: are at a place where you are quite isolated, and 628 00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:17,879 Speaker 1: you are, you know you're quite lonely, you have seen 629 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,920 Speaker 1: a lot of friendships change. Instead of viewing it as 630 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:24,759 Speaker 1: this like negative, like life ending thing of like I'm 631 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:29,480 Speaker 1: never going to have what I once had, I'm never 632 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:34,440 Speaker 1: going to feel connected or like I belong again, view 633 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:37,000 Speaker 1: it as a new beginning. Be like wow, I get 634 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,759 Speaker 1: to like I get to create the life that I 635 00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 1: want here, I get to make the friendships that I 636 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,080 Speaker 1: would like to make. I get to be surprised by 637 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,560 Speaker 1: the people who are one day just gonna walk in 638 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,719 Speaker 1: the door and completely change who I am. I think 639 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:55,640 Speaker 1: loneliness is just an emotion. It is just a message 640 00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:58,799 Speaker 1: from our mind telling us what we need, the same 641 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,640 Speaker 1: way that hunger tell you know that our body needs 642 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:06,040 Speaker 1: fuel or first tells us that we need hydration. Loneliness 643 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:08,799 Speaker 1: and feeling disconnected to people tells you that it's time 644 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:12,080 Speaker 1: to reach out. And I guess that's my final tip here. 645 00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:15,160 Speaker 1: Be honest with your friends that you would like to 646 00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:17,840 Speaker 1: see them more or you would like to chat more often. 647 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:20,320 Speaker 1: I did this the other day with my friend Steph whereab. 648 00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:23,359 Speaker 1: I was like, I'm on the friendship roller coaster right 649 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:25,359 Speaker 1: now and I'm at a dip. Can we make time 650 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:28,120 Speaker 1: to see each other? And of course she said yes. 651 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:34,800 Speaker 1: That openness, that vulnerability is vital here because often others 652 00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:38,040 Speaker 1: in our life don't really know what we're going through. 653 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:40,759 Speaker 1: They don't know how we're feeling. They may not have 654 00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:44,160 Speaker 1: noticed what we have noticed that we have drifted. So 655 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,600 Speaker 1: you can choose to say nothing, or you can choose 656 00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:49,840 Speaker 1: to be honest with how with how you feel in 657 00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:52,799 Speaker 1: that moment. And ninety percent of the time, the people 658 00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:55,960 Speaker 1: who truly love you want you to be happy, and 659 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,439 Speaker 1: they will respond positively to that and they will make 660 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,719 Speaker 1: time for you. It is just a matter of reaching out. 661 00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:05,360 Speaker 1: And you know what, in case I haven't said it 662 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,880 Speaker 1: enough times, this is not just you. I know it's hard. 663 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:16,160 Speaker 1: Change is hard human beings naturally fear change. Isolation is hard. 664 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:19,680 Speaker 1: But do not blame yourself or start to internalize what 665 00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:23,640 Speaker 1: are actually really common transitions here as a sign that 666 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,960 Speaker 1: there is something wrong with you, or that you are 667 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:30,600 Speaker 1: undeserving of good, long lasting friendships. You absolutely are, you 668 00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:32,960 Speaker 1: just may not have found them yet. I always think 669 00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,880 Speaker 1: of this quote and it brings me so much peace 670 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,520 Speaker 1: in kind of these moments of catastrophizing. You haven't yet 671 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,560 Speaker 1: met all the people who you will love in this life, 672 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,560 Speaker 1: and I think that is so beautiful. How magical is 673 00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:46,200 Speaker 1: it to imagine all of the people who are now 674 00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:50,200 Speaker 1: strangers one day being individuals in your life who you 675 00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:53,319 Speaker 1: won't be able to live without. These people who you 676 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:55,600 Speaker 1: will one day meet, who will tell you the story 677 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:59,560 Speaker 1: of the life they are now living. We are so young. 678 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:04,399 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's so impossible to really appreciate how young we are. 679 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:07,160 Speaker 1: It is not the end of the road. There is 680 00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:10,560 Speaker 1: so much more love to experience. And like we said, 681 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,680 Speaker 1: there has been so many studies that have shown that 682 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,640 Speaker 1: not only is this incredibly common, but a lot of 683 00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,640 Speaker 1: us replace, you know, fifty percent of our friends, eighty 684 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,799 Speaker 1: percent of our friends every seven years. You are just 685 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:25,760 Speaker 1: in a transition period right now, along with many many others, 686 00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:29,319 Speaker 1: one that you will come out of and you'll be 687 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:32,239 Speaker 1: able to look back at and say I needed that 688 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:37,560 Speaker 1: to happen. I needed to see these friendships fade away. 689 00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:40,479 Speaker 1: I needed to be alone for a while in order 690 00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:45,160 Speaker 1: to really appreciate how beautiful these new people in my life. Ah. 691 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:49,200 Speaker 1: So I really hope that this episode has helped normalize 692 00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:53,520 Speaker 1: this experience there. I totally understand the fear. Please. I 693 00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:57,960 Speaker 1: feel like I live this fear every day, so it 694 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:00,560 Speaker 1: was actually quite comforting to discuss this and to kind 695 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:04,040 Speaker 1: of explore I think some of the reasons behind why 696 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:06,360 Speaker 1: we see that happen. I really do hope that you 697 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:10,120 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. I hope it brought you comfort. As always, 698 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,680 Speaker 1: if you feel like there is someone in your life 699 00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:16,880 Speaker 1: who feels this way who needs to hear this episode, 700 00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,719 Speaker 1: please feel free to sell them a link to share 701 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,399 Speaker 1: it along, to share the love along, leave a five 702 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,000 Speaker 1: star review if you feel cool to do so, and 703 00:43:26,040 --> 00:43:27,960 Speaker 1: make sure your following so that you know when new 704 00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:32,880 Speaker 1: episodes come out. If you have an episode suggestion as well, 705 00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:38,680 Speaker 1: please follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. I 706 00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,520 Speaker 1: love hearing from you guys, I love hearing about what 707 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:44,640 Speaker 1: your twenties has been like. You guys always have the 708 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,680 Speaker 1: most amazing suggestions for topics I have never considered before. 709 00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:51,440 Speaker 1: So follow us over there, and as always, we will 710 00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:56,000 Speaker 1: be back next week with another episode.