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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Obviously, Burning in Hell is a mental health comedy podcast
Speaker 2: and we have a lot of hilarious comedians on. We
Speaker 2: have a lot of insightful people, but we've never had
Speaker 2: a man who was a monk, and he's been everywhere
Speaker 2: and now he's finally, you know, hit the top. He's
Speaker 2: come to burning in hell, he's found the mecca of
Speaker 2: mental health. Welcome Jay Sheddy to the pot.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad
Speaker 1: that I get to be with you today. Honestly, thank you.
Speaker 2: You have very good energy.
Speaker 1: Thank you because you never know.
Speaker 2: I was. I thought I might be intimidated by you,
Speaker 2: like he's all knowing, he's also very famous. There's like
Speaker 2: a lot of things that could be intimidating, but you
Speaker 2: kind of you have a very warm, warm energy that.
Speaker 1: Means the world to me. That's that's the best thing
Speaker 1: I could have had Today's.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I'm like, do people just like him because
Speaker 2: he has blue eyes? Or is he actually you know?
Speaker 2: I mean, you are on this book tour and you
Speaker 2: sent it to me The Eight Rules of Love and
Speaker 2: you're married, yes, which I kind of love because there's
Speaker 2: a lot of like dating you know, people out there
Speaker 2: and they've like never had a relationship before. But I
Speaker 2: like that your book is not only like your teachings
Speaker 2: and your research over the years, but you also say
Speaker 2: a little bit more about yourself. So what I want
Speaker 2: to bring into this podcast today, because I feel like
Speaker 2: you have so much amazing knowledge everywhere, is to get
Speaker 2: to know you a little more, get to know your
Speaker 2: hell a little bit and that you've been through. Why
Speaker 2: have I not been asked to become a monk yet? Like,
Speaker 2: how do you get into the monk ship? How did
Speaker 2: you get in? Because no one's I'm not on the
Speaker 2: email list?
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah you didn't. You didn't get the memo. No
Speaker 1: I'm not. You subscribed, Yeah no, I didn't swipe up,
Speaker 1: Yeah no. And it's and for me it was the same.
Speaker 1: It was I met a monk for the first time.
Speaker 1: His name's Gouranga Das. I met him when I was
Speaker 1: eighteen years old, and I met him because you still
Speaker 1: had to go to events to meet people because there
Speaker 1: was no YouTube podcasts, you know, it was it was
Speaker 1: a while ago, and so I would go to events.
Speaker 1: I'd love hearing from CEOs and athletes and musicians about
Speaker 1: their rags to riches stories. And I wasn't fascinated by
Speaker 1: the rags and the riches. I was fascinated by what
Speaker 1: you're fascinated about here, like people's challenges and their mindset
Speaker 1: and how they got there. And one night my friend
Speaker 1: said to me, hey, we should go and hear this
Speaker 1: monk speak. And I said to them, I said, well,
Speaker 1: what am I going to learn from a monk? I'm
Speaker 1: fascinated by people who've gone from nothing to something, not
Speaker 1: nothing to nothing, like what am I going to learn
Speaker 1: from this guy? And they said, no, we should go,
Speaker 1: and I said, okay, I'll only go if we go
Speaker 1: to a bar afterwards. Like that was my negotiation tactic,
Speaker 1: so to prove how spiritual I am. Yes, that's what
Speaker 1: I was like as an eighteen year old, and my
Speaker 1: friends were highly convincing. They said, yeah, sure, sure, sure,
Speaker 1: we'll go to a bar afterwards. And so I went
Speaker 1: to this event and I went there with very low expectations.
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to walk in, walk out,
Speaker 1: We're going to hit up this bar. And I walked
Speaker 1: there and I found something I wasn't looking for. I
Speaker 1: wasn't looking for spirituality, I wasn't looking for meditation, I
Speaker 1: wasn't looking for well being. And the way this monk spoke,
Speaker 1: he was talking about how serving others with your skills
Speaker 1: is the purpose of human life, using your gifts to
Speaker 1: impact and help other people is what we're meant to do.
Speaker 1: And I'd never heard that before. So eighteen year old
Speaker 1: me stayed behind wanted to shake his hand, like meet him.
Speaker 1: I ended up traveling with him that whole week in London,
Speaker 1: going to all his events. Then I spent all my
Speaker 1: summer vacations and Christmas vacations traveling to India to live
Speaker 1: with him in the monastery. And then when I graduated,
Speaker 1: I lived as a monk for three years. And so
Speaker 1: it was a very long journey of spending time with
Speaker 1: this one monk, to then spending time with the monks,
Speaker 1: and then actually living as a monk. Holy Sorry, that's
Speaker 1: the quick version.
Speaker 2: No, that was that was beautiful. Oh and were you
Speaker 2: in where were you based when you weren't in.
Speaker 1: Two hours outside of Mumbai? And then we traveled across
Speaker 1: Europe as well, so we'd live it different.
Speaker 2: And where were you living when you were like with
Speaker 2: your friends and stuff?
Speaker 1: I was. I was in London, So I went to
Speaker 1: university London Town, from London, from corner, raised in London. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Very cool. And I also feel like you've transcended like
Speaker 2: traditional what we think it is, which is honestly like
Speaker 2: not relatable, and you've put it in this such like
Speaker 2: like even your book, like you talk about boys and
Speaker 2: stuff and it's the kind of stuff that we information
Speaker 2: that we could retain. So you kind of have figured
Speaker 2: out how to talk about love. But what did you
Speaker 2: when you're a monk? Right?
Speaker 1: No, you're not, definitely not. So you're like a ce
Speaker 1: celibate and you don't talk too well for me the
Speaker 1: opposite sex, but you don't talk to the sex that
Speaker 1: you're attracted to. So I'm completely living a celibate life.
Speaker 1: I haven't spoken to a woman for those three years.
Speaker 1: And the point isn't repression of suppression. The point is
Speaker 1: to redirect your energy. And I always like to clarify
Speaker 1: that because a lot of people think that monks think like,
Speaker 1: oh women are bad or this, and it's not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's actually a side of can I dedicate my mind
Speaker 1: to mastering my mind? Like can I focus on that?
Speaker 2: We do like really hot showers, so people think we're
Speaker 2: connected as Satan sometimes as well men.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, oh yeah, I got it. We did cold
Speaker 1: showers and months for that music there you got.
Speaker 2: You know, they do say the cold shower thing like
Speaker 2: gets your mind, right, but I'm like, I'm like, that was.
Speaker 1: The original that we were taking cold showers, like that
Speaker 1: was that was a normal part of life, and and yeah,
Speaker 1: it was just what I found that I got from
Speaker 1: that experience is from age fourteen, which is when I
Speaker 1: started dating, to age twenty one, I don't think I
Speaker 1: ever had a gap between seeing someone or meeting someone
Speaker 1: withing with someone, Like, yeah, your teen years, you're like
Speaker 1: constantly moving relationship to relationship to relationship, and those three
Speaker 1: years and if you think about it, even for yourself
Speaker 1: maybe anyone who's listening, how many days have you actually
Speaker 1: spent not in the pursuit of someone or not being
Speaker 1: pursued by someone in your entire life.
Speaker 2: It's such a drug.
Speaker 1: It's it's very littal, it's so mental, so many.
Speaker 2: Because I always say, like I'm a creative genius as
Speaker 2: an I give me anyone and in my head, I
Speaker 2: will make up something that I want, like put them
Speaker 2: on any pedestal. Because having your crushes like it gives
Speaker 2: you a purpose.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it gives you a purpose, like waking.
Speaker 2: Up in the morning is easier when you're like, I
Speaker 2: hope I run into Jeremy at the cooler.
Speaker 1: You know, Well, I ran into my first crush. I
Speaker 1: still remember I was like eleven years old. How old
Speaker 1: were you when you had your first crush?
Speaker 2: Oh, I was desertive from a young age.
Speaker 1: Cool. Yeah, it took me to eleven. So I was
Speaker 1: the late bloomer by your standard. But I remember having
Speaker 1: this crush and every guy in school had a crush
Speaker 1: on this girl. And I was overweight growing up. I
Speaker 1: was also pretty much one of the only Indians in
Speaker 1: my whole class, and so I got bullied a lot
Speaker 1: for both of those things. And so I remember turning
Speaker 1: up to school late one day and everyone in the
Speaker 1: class was laughing at me and pointing and giggling, and
Speaker 1: I was like, what do they know? And then I
Speaker 1: got a little slip from one of my friends and
Speaker 1: I opened it up when you used to send notes
Speaker 1: in class when you can text, And I opened it
Speaker 1: up and it said she knows, and I was like,
Speaker 1: she knows what? And so basically everyone in class had
Speaker 1: told the one girl that everyone had a crush on,
Speaker 1: that only I had a crush on her. And so
Speaker 1: for the less rest of the day, all the girls
Speaker 1: stood behind like the playground in class and we're just
Speaker 1: shouting like you're not in her league, She's out of
Speaker 1: your league. It was terrible. So that was my first experence.
Speaker 1: Was very traumatizing. It's very traumatizing. But so it wasn't
Speaker 1: a drug for me. It was, Yeah, it was. It
Speaker 1: was a bad drug exactly.
Speaker 2: There is a thin line between like the joy it
Speaker 2: could bring you and the pain. And I do like
Speaker 2: in your book that you talk about not only just
Speaker 2: the joy, but like the joys of being alone, the
Speaker 2: joys of a breakup, that there are positivities in it
Speaker 2: is your book, how much is a gender based like
Speaker 2: in terms of if you're a woman or a guy
Speaker 2: reading it.
Speaker 1: So I tried to take gender out of it because
Speaker 1: I really feel that a lot of what we're experiencing
Speaker 1: today is a complete mixture of experiences. I don't think
Speaker 1: you could say, well, this is the same experience that
Speaker 1: old women have. Yeah, Like, I just don't think that's
Speaker 1: the case anymore. Like I have so many more of
Speaker 1: my female friends that are like the breadwin is in
Speaker 1: their relationship now and they're leading the way, or they're
Speaker 1: more driven and ambitious than some of their partners. And so, yeah,
Speaker 1: the stereotypes are all Yeah, they're all blood. And so
Speaker 1: for me, I was trying to write a book that
Speaker 1: anyone could pick up in this generation and go, Okay,
Speaker 1: whether I'm looking for love with, whether I'm trying to
Speaker 1: hold onto it, or whether someone just broke up with
Speaker 1: me and hurt me, this book's going to help that person.
Speaker 2: What I love about this book and I think you
Speaker 2: might have said it on Call Her Daddy, Okay a girl, Alex,
Speaker 2: we love is you were like, there's so much stuff
Speaker 2: that are not taught to us in school, and it
Speaker 2: sounds like you almost had whatever education you had and
Speaker 2: then thought this wasn't enough for me. And then you
Speaker 2: have gone into your own studies and research and experiences.
Speaker 2: If you could have a j shuddy like high school,
Speaker 2: what classes do you think are essential to living a
Speaker 2: fulfilled life?
Speaker 1: It is such a good and honestly a little.
Speaker 2: Too deep, and you know, well, I'm trying to challenge you.
Speaker 2: Make it funny, Yeah, I'm trying to challenge you.
Speaker 1: Most of us should not start a high school, including me, Like, like,
Speaker 1: first of all, let's just put it out there. Starting
Speaker 1: a high school or a primary school, I sorry, element
Speaker 1: school as you call it here is such a deep
Speaker 1: important task that no one should just start schools. I
Speaker 1: think it's highly dangerous. And so even what I'm about
Speaker 1: to say, it's caveatd with the fact that I don't
Speaker 1: think even I know enough at this point to start
Speaker 1: a school. I think that's unhealthy.
Speaker 2: Yes, but if you were like ire on a townhall meeting,
Speaker 2: can we add these classes? Yeah, this is our town meeting.
Speaker 1: First of all, my biggest class would be emotional regulation.
Speaker 1: That would be the number one class. And the reason
Speaker 1: I say that, and it comes back to the Book
Speaker 1: of Solitude, is that it's said that our heartbeats and
Speaker 1: our heart rates they synchronize when we're close to other people.
Speaker 1: And so first our caregivers, whether it's your mother or
Speaker 1: your father, your uncle or your aunt, whoever took care
Speaker 1: of you, your heartbeat and your heart rate synchronizes with theirs.
Speaker 1: And so the study says that the best thing for
Speaker 1: your nervous system is another human being, but the worst
Speaker 1: thing for your nervous system is another human being.
Speaker 2: Okay, that sounds like a pyramid scheme, and I hate
Speaker 2: that life has done this to us.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And so what I find is that your heart
Speaker 1: rate gets SYNCD up to your partners where you're now
Speaker 1: sharing a mood. And so if you don't know how
Speaker 1: to self regulate, if you don't have to regulate your
Speaker 1: own emotions, you're just going to become dependent on whoever
Speaker 1: you're around. And that's why codependency takes off because we
Speaker 1: never learned to regulate our own emotions. So that's class
Speaker 1: number one.
Speaker 2: And if you grew up with a parent who also
Speaker 2: had trouble, then you could be anxious like they are,
Speaker 2: anxious based on things that are out of your control.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and that's class number two. Healing from parents and
Speaker 1: healing from first loves, because whether it's your parents who,
Speaker 1: whether it's the first guy or girl or person you dated,
Speaker 1: all of those first love experiences completely transform what you
Speaker 1: want in a relationship. Maybe the first person you dated
Speaker 1: like made you insecure about how you look. Now anyone
Speaker 1: that tells you look good is like the next attractive
Speaker 1: human beings.
Speaker 2: When that person was projecting their own down to.
Speaker 1: You exactly exactly. And the person who's being complimentary to you,
Speaker 1: they may not even deeply like you. They may like
Speaker 1: you only for that. And so I think unraveling the
Speaker 1: gifts and gaps as I put in the book that
Speaker 1: our parents get is class number two.
Speaker 2: I'd like to call it reparenting. Yeah, where it's kind
Speaker 2: of like the voices in your head are those negative
Speaker 2: things where you can say, actually, how would I want
Speaker 2: to have spoken to my inner child? What's the third class?
Speaker 1: Well, I'm allowed another one? Yeah, all right, okay, class
Speaker 1: number three. Class number three would have.
Speaker 2: To be do you think meditation should be on it?
Speaker 1: I was Actually I would put meditation there. I might
Speaker 1: add that as a tool in emotional regulation. Yes, it's
Speaker 1: a tool and a practice.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 1: I would say that's an after school program. Yeah, that's regular.
Speaker 1: If you're smart, you get signed up. Yeah. No. The
Speaker 1: other one that I'd add is financial master and financial training.
Speaker 1: I just think that no one has any clue about
Speaker 1: how much they should spend on rent, whether you should
Speaker 1: get a mortgage or not, should you buy a house
Speaker 1: or not, should you save up for one? Do you
Speaker 1: save or do you invest? What do you invest in?
Speaker 1: How do you know? Like, I think we have no idea.
Speaker 2: Until you're like thirty four and someone goes, why haven't
Speaker 2: you been putting this into an And you're like, is
Speaker 2: that a STD?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: What is an IRA? So that is so true. I'm
Speaker 2: actually I grew up from a family of teachers, Like
Speaker 2: my grandpa was a gym teacher, my mom was a principal,
Speaker 2: my grandma was a librarian, and they I think about
Speaker 2: teaching a lot, and I just think there's so many
Speaker 2: holes because I was a people pleaser, and I always
Speaker 2: I was a perfectionist. I just wanted straight a's. So
Speaker 2: I wasn't like consuming it. I was just trying to
Speaker 2: win the game and then I would forget it. And
Speaker 2: then I entered life and it didn't matter that it's
Speaker 2: straight a's. I was battling, you know, my perfectionism, anxiety depression,
Speaker 2: performing so that I feel lovable. Look at this a
Speaker 2: turn to a therapy session, but that's what it always does.
Speaker 2: And within yourself, how is your levels of anxiety depression?
Speaker 2: Do you deal with a cocktail of them? What is
Speaker 2: your journey with that been?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like I really rebelled growing up against
Speaker 1: what my parents or what my community wanted me to do.
Speaker 1: So I kind of started dealing with that early on.
Speaker 1: So I had the anxiety almost as a young teenager.
Speaker 1: Of my parents wanted me to be good at maths
Speaker 1: and sciences, yes, and while I was okay at those,
Speaker 1: that's not what I wanted to do. What I wanted
Speaker 1: to do was philosophy, aren't design psychology Economics was definitely
Speaker 1: a part of that, And so those are the subjects
Speaker 1: I loved, and so I started rebelling early on, saying
Speaker 1: I'm going to do what I want and pushing for
Speaker 1: what you want. When you're thirteen fourteen years old, it
Speaker 1: kind of creates this really interesting place because now you're
Speaker 1: on your own because now it's like, well, you're the
Speaker 1: only person doing that. Everyone's kind of following the trend.
Speaker 1: And so I feel like that was it. But the
Speaker 1: biggest when you talk about depression of anxiety, the hardest
Speaker 1: part where I experienced that was just before I went
Speaker 1: to become a monk and when I came back. So
Speaker 1: I experienced it before I went anxiety because everyone in
Speaker 1: my community was telling me, you've been brainwashed. You know,
Speaker 1: you're wasting your time, No one's ever going to marry you,
Speaker 1: You're never going to make any more money again. Like
Speaker 1: imagine everyone in your community and your family extended family
Speaker 1: going at you and just telling you that this is
Speaker 1: the worst decision of your life. And you've just turned
Speaker 1: down your job and have decided to make this thing,
Speaker 1: and so there was a lot of anxiety attached to
Speaker 1: the decision.
Speaker 2: But it takes a real strong, like inner voice to
Speaker 2: go against what you're Like you think your parents are
Speaker 2: God's growing up?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, So where did that come from? For you to think?
Speaker 2: I know and they don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel my inner voice was so loud since I
Speaker 1: was fourteen and I could not ignore it. Like it's
Speaker 1: just been so and I feel like it's got louder
Speaker 1: or stayed steady because I've listened to it.
Speaker 2: Well, you don't live the kind of life you live
Speaker 2: like following rules. Yes, because you have a very unorthodox career.
Speaker 2: I mean you're kind of like a superstar in like
Speaker 2: the I don't even want to say spiritual, but it's
Speaker 2: just like this the self help community. How do you
Speaker 2: do you ever get like hate from more like traditional
Speaker 2: monks or spiritual people because you are so on the
Speaker 2: internet and putting your face out there and making money.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think this because they're kind of transcending traditional I think.
Speaker 1: There's definitely a perspective around like, you know, is this
Speaker 1: being you know, watered down or is it being put
Speaker 1: out there in a way. But I think that overall,
Speaker 1: I find that the people who really know me, or
Speaker 1: are the people that I've gotten to know deeply, they
Speaker 1: understand that I love the idea of making things simple, accessible, digestible,
Speaker 1: relevant like me. That's how I was taught about this wisdom,
Speaker 1: and that's what made it so it has to be demystified.
Speaker 2: Well, like, look at me, I have it, HD. I'm
Speaker 2: not reading a book, yeah, but I will stop at
Speaker 2: a clip of you where you're looking, you know, and
Speaker 2: you have the cool font and maybe some good music
Speaker 2: in the back, and it's fifteen s.
Speaker 1: That's one of us, and that's most of us today.
Speaker 2: And that's a smart like marketing brain of yours.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I don't think we should be looking down.
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, you're getting the watered down version. Actually,
Speaker 1: there's this beautiful statement by a writer named Ivan Pavlov
Speaker 1: where he said that, well, he wrote this story. He's
Speaker 1: not writer, but he wrote this statement that I love.
Speaker 1: And he said that if you can't explain something simply,
Speaker 1: you don't understand it well enough. Me. I'm constantly like
Speaker 1: grappling with ideas, going how do I explain this simply, like,
Speaker 1: how can I make this really accessible for myself because
Speaker 1: then I can live it and for others so they
Speaker 1: can live it. Like to me, that's a sort of compassion,
Speaker 1: Like it's empathy. Like to me, compassion and empathy is like,
Speaker 1: how can I make this so easy for anyone to understand,
Speaker 1: because then I'll be able to live it and change
Speaker 1: my life and they'll be able to do the same.
Speaker 2: Well, even in your book you reference, is it Sands
Speaker 2: grat Y.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so I've liked the book.
Speaker 2: I mean she scammed, but like I loved like when
Speaker 2: you talked about karma, and like as someone who loves yoga,
Speaker 2: like I see these things kind of connecting. What is
Speaker 2: your current religion?
Speaker 1: So I have taken different practices from different traditions that
Speaker 1: I find fascinating. Overall, I follow a text called the Vaders,
Speaker 1: which is a universal text which doesn't have a religion
Speaker 1: or particular spiritual path aligned to it. It's just speaking
Speaker 1: universally about practices like meditation and wisdom and knowledge. And
Speaker 1: so for me, I practice three different forms of meditation,
Speaker 1: breath work, visualization, and mantra, which is the repetition of
Speaker 1: sacred sound A lot of what I practice is inspired
Speaker 1: out of India because that was the tradition I lived
Speaker 1: in as a monk, and so to me. But I honestly,
Speaker 1: having said that, you know, I've loved pretty much every
Speaker 1: spiritual text I've picked up. I tell and read stories
Speaker 1: from so many different traditions. I consider myself a practitioner,
Speaker 1: you know, like a citizen of the world when it
Speaker 1: comes to culture and spirituality because I feel like I
Speaker 1: can genuinely learn from any part and any tradition.
Speaker 2: Well, that's why your book is interesting to me about love,
Speaker 2: because I feel like you've had so many different cultural experiences.
Speaker 2: So to write a universal book was that hard at all?
Speaker 2: Because I mean, like how Americans view sex versus like
Speaker 2: how like the Middle East view sex, or the Brits
Speaker 2: or you know, the Chinese. Who knows, how did you
Speaker 2: kind of globalize that?
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm always trying to put ancient wisdom together
Speaker 1: with modern science pop culture, right, So, yeah, that's kind
Speaker 1: of like my world and that's me too. Like I
Speaker 1: love movies, I love monks, and I love media and
Speaker 1: marketing like I love all of that, and so I'm
Speaker 1: just embracing all of those worlds that I live in
Speaker 1: and putting them all together, and to me, there's such
Speaker 1: a beautiful synergy in harmony that comes from that. So
Speaker 1: if something was true five thousand years ago, and if
Speaker 1: science proves it today, and if you can see it
Speaker 1: in mainstream media, then there's chances that it universally exists.
Speaker 1: And so to me, I'm trying to create things that
Speaker 1: are timely and timeless because to me, something that's timeless
Speaker 1: is always timely. So I'm not trying to be so
Speaker 1: in the now that it's a trend and it won't
Speaker 1: make sense. I would hope that someone could pick up
Speaker 1: this book in ten twenty years and it would still
Speaker 1: hold true. Yes, some of the examples of phones and
Speaker 1: names may change, but the wisdom or the thought behind
Speaker 1: the book will make sense because a lot of the
Speaker 1: ideas are five thousand years old, but science is proving
Speaker 1: them today. And so that's kind of like the cocktail
Speaker 1: that I like to put together.
Speaker 2: Oh I love a cocktail. Are you sober?
Speaker 1: I should have said them up?
Speaker 2: Are you still right?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, I'm not. I don't know how everyone defines
Speaker 1: that word. So, yeah, I don't drink alcohol, huh, but
Speaker 1: I only ever was a social drinker or a games drinker.
Speaker 1: That's how I drank the most. And my friends they
Speaker 1: me and my friends would play too many. Well, we
Speaker 1: all started drinking very early. Yeah, I drink here like
Speaker 1: thirteen and fourteen years old. Yeah, and we played a
Speaker 1: lot of drinking games. Ring of Fire was my personal favorite,
Speaker 1: and we just yeah, we just drank our way to
Speaker 1: quitting early because it just yeah, I just got into
Speaker 1: it so young. But yes, I don't drink anymore.
Speaker 2: Do you have any insights on like hook up culture.
Speaker 2: A lot of girls are in their twenties, and I
Speaker 2: feel like a lot of people talk about like energies
Speaker 2: of like a quick hookup versus like you have to
Speaker 2: wait five dates before you have sex. What's your theory
Speaker 2: on the exchange of like physicalness in this world?
Speaker 1: Yeah, correctly. I think it depends on what you want
Speaker 1: and what you're looking for. Like to me, if someone's
Speaker 1: just exploring and enjoying and expressing themselves, that's awesome. If
Speaker 1: someone's trying to build something serious and want something to
Speaker 1: last long term, I think there's a different tactic and
Speaker 1: a different approach, and ultimately anything can kind of end
Speaker 1: up anywhere because of how it evolves and grows. But
Speaker 1: I think the biggest mistake people make is they think
Speaker 1: there are set guidelines yes, as to how it should
Speaker 1: be done.
Speaker 2: You see it all over the place, and it.
Speaker 1: Doesn't make sense because yeah, like you just said, if
Speaker 1: someone's like, oh, don't have sex still date five, or
Speaker 1: don't have sex still date twenty, or don't you know,
Speaker 1: I think all those kind of things actually just make
Speaker 1: you focus on that even more and they stop you
Speaker 1: from focusing on everything else you should be looking.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, if you're putting your energy towards that, are
Speaker 2: you really being your authentic self totally? Or are you like,
Speaker 2: have a little checkbook and me and you both know
Speaker 2: if you just look at a checkbook or a list,
Speaker 2: that's not authentic love. That's not intimacy, not at all.
Speaker 1: And I would go on to say this, and again
Speaker 1: I'm diving too the science here. If I get too dorky,
Speaker 1: you can let me know, nice, But it's really interesting.
Speaker 1: So chemistry that we feel with someone of a spark
Speaker 1: is described as experiencing stress and excitement at the same time.
Speaker 1: So it's the excitement of I just got her number,
Speaker 1: but the stresses is she going to text me right,
Speaker 1: or the excitement is oh my god, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: he just text me. The stress is, oh my god,
Speaker 1: what do I text back? Right? So chemistry is actually
Speaker 1: us feeling excitement and stress at the same time. Now,
Speaker 1: when you get to know someone, the stress drops because
Speaker 1: you've become more comfortable with them. Now we think the
Speaker 1: excitement's gone, but it hasn't it You've become more comfortable
Speaker 1: with them in a healthy way. So the interesting about sex,
Speaker 1: getting on back to that topic, is that all the
Speaker 1: studies show that when oxytocin is released during and after sex,
Speaker 1: you feel closer, but you're not actually emotionally closer. And
Speaker 1: the chemical oxytocin also has a temporary memory block, which
Speaker 1: means if you just had a massive argument about how
Speaker 1: you don't trust that person, now that that chemical is
Speaker 1: released like crazy, they're amazing. I love them. So it's
Speaker 1: really interesting, and that's where I think a lot of
Speaker 1: these ideas about delaying sex come from. What I hope
Speaker 1: they do. I mean, if they don't, then that would
Speaker 1: be the only reason is that you don't make as
Speaker 1: good a decision about someone when you're in that kind
Speaker 1: of illusion of we're so close that actually it's a
Speaker 1: chemical reaction.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: So I really looked into this stuff because I was
Speaker 1: fascinated by like, why do we feel close? And that's
Speaker 1: why so many people have makeup sex or break up
Speaker 1: sex and then get back together back yes, because it's
Speaker 1: this idea of like, oh no, no, but we are
Speaker 1: really close. We don't have any problems. There's a temporary
Speaker 1: memory block going on.
Speaker 2: And I love what you said about like the connection
Speaker 2: of fear and sometimes getting that combined with like excitement,
Speaker 2: and then when you lose that fear, you think like
Speaker 2: am I not excited about this person anymore?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: And I learned that, like, love has so many different meanings,
Speaker 2: and I like i'd argue when you ask someone what
Speaker 2: does love mean? You'll get tons of different answers based
Speaker 2: on different people. But I just got married in May.
Speaker 2: I know you're married, thank you. And there is that
Speaker 2: feeling of like comfort that you could never feel within
Speaker 2: like the first month or two. But it's a different
Speaker 2: kind of high, of like a stability and a safeness
Speaker 2: and understanding that I don't think we talk about a lot.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I think if you're looking for chemistry, you
Speaker 1: should change who you see every month or every day.
Speaker 2: Like you have you heard the birth control drama?
Speaker 1: No tell me people are saying.
Speaker 2: That birth control sometimes people get off birth control and
Speaker 2: be attracted to different men really because of the different hormones.
Speaker 2: Because because your hormones changing, that your attractions could be different.
Speaker 1: So what so what changes? I'm fascinated.
Speaker 2: I don't I don't read full paragraphs. I get sent,
Speaker 2: but I'm a skimmer. But it is something of the
Speaker 2: fact that like love and attraction is like scientific in
Speaker 2: your brain, and it can be hormonal or like sometimes
Speaker 2: when you get pregnant and you hate your husband.
Speaker 1: Yeah, a lot of my friends have been.
Speaker 2: Can you stop brea? In my direction? What I also
Speaker 2: liked is you delved into how to like fight? Well, yes,
Speaker 2: and I don't think we talk about that ever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we never do, because I think it's an art form.
Speaker 1: It's kung fu it is, or it's MMA it's or
Speaker 1: it's wrestling or it's something. Yes, and not knowing whether
Speaker 1: you're MMA or whether you're wrestling or whether you're kung
Speaker 1: fu is where the issue comes from.
Speaker 2: I do think in my relationship, once I understood them
Speaker 2: more and learned not to take things personally, it really
Speaker 2: helps because sometimes they'll say something and you're like, you
Speaker 2: don't even understand me, and then you realize, like, oh,
Speaker 2: that's how you know. His father spoke to him. That's
Speaker 2: all he knows. And and then you decide do I
Speaker 2: want to deal with this?
Speaker 1: And he's never had the chance to even reflect on
Speaker 1: that because he may not be aware, or she may not,
Speaker 1: or they may not be aware. I think so many
Speaker 1: of us. If you've done a bit of work, you
Speaker 1: can see it. But the problem is when you've done
Speaker 1: a bit of self work, you start judging everyone else.
Speaker 1: And she want to avoid that because it's a really
Speaker 1: unhealthy way to do.
Speaker 2: Should got a therapist, Oh you go to therapy.
Speaker 1: At My therapist told me, yes, you my dad can
Speaker 1: be of your dad. Yeah, like in the playground, that's
Speaker 1: what it was. It's like my dad would take out
Speaker 1: your dad.
Speaker 2: But the therapist knows what's going on.
Speaker 1: Usually, But John John and Julie Gotman, who have been
Speaker 1: married for god knows how many years, but they have
Speaker 1: an amazing study called the Gotman Institute, which looks at
Speaker 1: all of this amazing research, and they found that the
Speaker 1: number one thing that keeps couples together is not date nights.
Speaker 1: It's not walks on the beach. It's not dinners, it's
Speaker 1: not movie nights, it's not holidays. It's learning how to fight.
Speaker 1: And when I saw that, I was like, wow, Like
Speaker 1: learning how to fight is a skill, it's an art
Speaker 1: form and kind of like what you just said about
Speaker 1: taking things personally. So when me and my wife first
Speaker 1: started dating and when we got married in where we'd
Speaker 1: first argue, I want to talk about it now and
Speaker 1: figure it out right now. That's the kind of fighter
Speaker 1: I am, right, And.
Speaker 2: Men could be very logical like, well, APUs bleaks, so
Speaker 2: what are we doing?
Speaker 1: And I'm very much like that. Yeah, and I call
Speaker 1: that in the book venting. It's like I want to
Speaker 1: figure out now, and I want to do it right now.
Speaker 1: My wife is what I call a hider. She wants
Speaker 1: to go into a room. She wants to like not
Speaker 1: talk to me. She wants to think about it, she
Speaker 1: wants to reflect on it, she wants to figure it out.
Speaker 1: At the beginning of our relationship, I took that personally.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, wait, you don't care as much
Speaker 1: as I do. So I'm standing right here and you'll work.
Speaker 2: I want to fix it. You're giving up.
Speaker 1: Exactly, and then only to realize that that's just how
Speaker 1: she dealt with it, because when she came back sometimes
Speaker 1: two days later there's a bit of a waiting outside,
Speaker 1: but like two days later when she came back, it's like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, she was actually in the place to
Speaker 1: process it. And so what we found is you need
Speaker 1: two days, I need one hour. Like now we're going
Speaker 1: to meet in twelve hours a day, like we're gonna
Speaker 1: meet in the middle and figure it out. And then
Speaker 1: the third fight star I explain is exploding where it's
Speaker 1: like I want to talk about my emotions right now.
Speaker 1: So you're not trying to fix it, you're not trying
Speaker 1: to solve it, but you need to be heard. Neither
Speaker 1: of these is good or bad. It's recognizing that we're
Speaker 1: all different and we all deal with stress and conflict differently. Yes,
Speaker 1: And if you saw your partner for just a style,
Speaker 1: like you were like, that's this.
Speaker 2: That is so smart. I actually my husband and I
Speaker 2: once he like, upset me with something and I said
Speaker 2: that upset me. I want you to apologize, and he
Speaker 2: basically was like, you're overreacting. I'm not apologizing. So we
Speaker 2: sat there, and we just started dying laughing because like
Speaker 2: we were looking at it based on our styles, where
Speaker 2: I was like, you're being stubborn and I'm being triggered
Speaker 2: and you're and we instead of fighting about the actual
Speaker 2: thing was very stupid me instead were like, Okay, how
Speaker 2: do we long term fix this? Because I'm like I
Speaker 2: just want to hear you say sorry, and he's like, well,
Speaker 2: I don't want to admit to something I don't think
Speaker 2: I did wrong. And the next thing you know, you're like, oh,
Speaker 2: we are working on this long term relationship. I think
Speaker 2: relationships are just do you want to talk to this
Speaker 2: person for the rest of your life?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 2: And can you navigate that conversation, which is like what
Speaker 2: you said, It's not about the fancy, extravagant vacations, It's
Speaker 2: about are you on the couch? And can you tolerate
Speaker 2: basic conversation?
Speaker 1: I can you solve problems together? And do you want
Speaker 1: to grow together? I read this research that kind of
Speaker 1: goes exactly with what you just said. It was saying
Speaker 1: that if you want to consider someone a casual friend,
Speaker 1: you have to spend forty hours with them. If you
Speaker 1: want to consider someone a good friend, you have to
Speaker 1: spend one hundred quality hours with them. And if you
Speaker 1: want to consider someone a great friend or a best friend,
Speaker 1: you have to spend two hundred hours with them of
Speaker 1: deep time. And so when I think about being with someone,
Speaker 1: or if you think about having a future with someone,
Speaker 1: it's like, do I want to spend two hundred deep
Speaker 1: quality hours getting to know this person is a great
Speaker 1: way of knowing whether there's longevity here.
Speaker 2: And I think nowadays we don't think like that. We're like,
Speaker 2: if I post him on Instagram? Are the girl he's
Speaker 2: gonna love it? Do you look at esthetically? And I
Speaker 2: learned from an I feel like everyone has that one
Speaker 2: relationship where you're with the person that society tells you
Speaker 2: should be with. I always I have. I'm a stand
Speaker 2: up comedian, and I joke about Disney and how Disney
Speaker 2: like who we should be attracted to. Like, as a
Speaker 2: young girl, it's like there's that one prince on a
Speaker 2: horse with a stupid hairdoo and he's probably a narcissist,
Speaker 2: and he takes up all the space in the room,
Speaker 2: and you're like, that's the one everyone wants me to marry.
Speaker 2: And then you find that guy and he makes me
Speaker 2: feel horrible and you're unfulfilled and you're shelly yourself. And
Speaker 2: then you're like, wait, I don't even have anything in
Speaker 2: common with this man. And just because you know so
Speaker 2: and so thinks it's cool you're dating a guy on
Speaker 2: the football team or something, and I think we all
Speaker 2: have to overcome it's almost like an ego death with relationship.
Speaker 2: How did you realize your wife was the kind of
Speaker 2: person that you could spend the rest of your life with?
Speaker 1: Deep?
Speaker 2: Question, Deep, she's listening.
Speaker 1: So yeah, exactly. So I was attracted to from the
Speaker 1: first moment I saw her. So that was easy that part.
Speaker 1: That part was already taken care of. If you asked her,
Speaker 1: she'd be like, eh, she wasn't. She wasn't.
Speaker 2: I feel like guys are pretty black and white with that,
Speaker 2: like they're either like I want to be with.
Speaker 1: Her, yeah, And then getting to know her, I think
Speaker 1: I just found that she just made me laugh, like
Speaker 1: is hilarious, She's adorable, she's she does funniest stuff.
Speaker 2: That makes me so happy that you say that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like she ask any of my team and
Speaker 1: she's like that with everyone. It's not like she's just
Speaker 1: like that with me, it's like that's just who she is,
Speaker 1: and she radiates this like pure joy and anyone who's
Speaker 1: ever around it. It's almost like people become friends with
Speaker 1: me and they're like, oh, Jay, I really like you,
Speaker 1: and then they meet my wife and it's like, who's Jay.
Speaker 1: Like that happens every time.
Speaker 2: Like that is even in a relationship where like you're
Speaker 2: with someone and you're like, don't say that thing. We're
Speaker 2: like you're you're you can tolerate them alone, But then
Speaker 2: in a circle you're like, oh, I just think he's tall,
Speaker 2: but socially he's I actually don't like how he deals
Speaker 2: with people. So to be proud of how your partner
Speaker 2: exists in the world is huge.
Speaker 1: And I'm just jealous of her because she just feals
Speaker 1: my friends. But no, I think she's very I think
Speaker 1: the thing about I love about my wife the most
Speaker 1: is I think she really knows me deeply m and
Speaker 1: she accepts me for all that I am, almost cause
Speaker 1: all my mistake. So I feel like I've showed her
Speaker 1: as time's gone on, more and more of myself. And
Speaker 1: I don't feel that I've ever felt judged, criticized, or
Speaker 1: not been given compassion and grace at any of those points.
Speaker 1: And I think that that's why I love her, because
Speaker 1: I know that whether we had anything or didn't have anything,
Speaker 1: I know that she'd be right there. Yeah, she's been
Speaker 1: with me since day one as well.
Speaker 2: So as a monk, there's not a lot of monks
Speaker 2: who have become famous, and you are putting yourself out there.
Speaker 2: You're putting all of your teachings and thoughts into the
Speaker 2: world to be judged. Do you have any ever, there's
Speaker 2: so much fame going on nowadays. Do you have any
Speaker 2: insight of how you deal with the public eye in
Speaker 2: a peaceful way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great question. And obviously I always say, like,
Speaker 1: I'm not a monk anymore. So I teach from my
Speaker 1: practice that I lived as a monk for three years,
Speaker 1: but now I'm married, I'm a business person and I
Speaker 1: have a podcast, in books and everything else, and so
Speaker 1: one of the biggest things for me and how I
Speaker 1: deal with the public eye is I am very open
Speaker 1: and at the same time I understand what needs to
Speaker 1: be get private and confidential. So I don't believe in
Speaker 1: living a life where everything's on show and everything's for display.
Speaker 1: I think there are so many experiences that are more
Speaker 1: beautiful when they are truly between two people or a
Speaker 1: friend and a family member, whatever it may be. Like,
Speaker 1: I don't live in a world where everything needs to
Speaker 1: be out there. At the same time, I love being
Speaker 1: vulnerable and authentic and open with my community and my audience.
Speaker 2: But certain things could be really tainted in the wrong
Speaker 2: way when you just do it for attention or the
Speaker 2: public eye grasp on to it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so I feel like I try
Speaker 1: to create their healthy balance between what's truly for me
Speaker 1: and what is it that I want to share. I'm
Speaker 1: always thinking about what I'm sharing. I'm like, how does
Speaker 1: this add value to someone's life? A vanity shot of
Speaker 1: me is not going to add life, yes, But and
Speaker 1: so I'm always trying to think, like, how does how
Speaker 1: does this really impact someone? How? How will this make
Speaker 1: someone's day better? That's what I think about a lot.
Speaker 1: And I also made peace with it, with the idea
Speaker 1: that there is truth in people's commentary on some thing,
Speaker 1: and there's also sting. Yes, And your job as a
Speaker 1: content creator, as an author, as a whatever you may be,
Speaker 1: is to figure that out, is to take the feedback
Speaker 1: is to extract the parts that can help you and
Speaker 1: leave the rest. So it's almost like leave the sting
Speaker 1: and take the feedback, And so you're almost extracting the
Speaker 1: poison from the process. And there's a lot of good
Speaker 1: out there that can help you. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: even what you'd put as hate that could be very useful.
Speaker 1: I found. I mean, I'm going very deep here, but
Speaker 1: I think we've been kind of oscillating in a good
Speaker 1: way between deep and silly, which is fine. The idea
Speaker 1: that I find that fame being imperfect in the fact
Speaker 1: that it comes with a lot of judgment or criticism
Speaker 1: is what detaches you from fame, which is what keeps
Speaker 1: you humble, grounded, and also protects you from your inevitable
Speaker 1: irrelevance one day. And so I think you can get
Speaker 1: so attached and fixated to fame, and if fame didn't
Speaker 1: have those stings, then you'd think fame was the best
Speaker 1: thing in the world, and you would think that it's
Speaker 1: the most amazing. In toxic, you.
Speaker 2: Would lose touch with reality, which is that you're a
Speaker 2: human exactly.
Speaker 1: And I just had and obviously what to speak of myself, Well,
Speaker 1: I just had Kevin Hart on the podcast, and he
Speaker 1: was talking about this exact thing where, like his fame,
Speaker 1: he felt he was indestructible. At this point, he felt
Speaker 1: that nothing could get at him. And he was like,
Speaker 1: fame let him down, Like he was the same people
Speaker 1: that were and.
Speaker 2: That's when the world's like, oh, you're ready to get
Speaker 2: directly shown reality again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And so he was saying that when he was
Speaker 1: popping the people that were popping bottles in the club
Speaker 1: with the same people that turned on him. And so,
Speaker 1: you know, I think that that, to me is that's
Speaker 1: why we get these little reminders, and so I take
Speaker 1: them as a little reminded. Fame is imperfect. Fame is
Speaker 1: not the goal of life. It's wonderful, it's great, but
Speaker 1: it's it isn't everything.
Speaker 2: That's so powerful. Because I wanted to hear from your
Speaker 2: perspective as someone who's like lived a life that was
Speaker 2: so anti that, do you have any advice for social
Speaker 2: media usage? Also, because you both of us live our
Speaker 2: lives on social media. We make money from social media.
Speaker 2: We spread our life, try spread laughter and say and
Speaker 2: wisdom and wisdom a ton of wisdom. Do you how
Speaker 2: do you monitor social media and living?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I think that it's it's really interesting when you've
Speaker 1: come from a world like for three years, I didn't
Speaker 1: know who the Prime Minister of England was. I didn't
Speaker 1: know who won the World.
Speaker 2: Cup, and I sot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so I've come for you know, that was
Speaker 1: a long time ago, and I left the monastery ten
Speaker 1: years ago. Those three years I had no access.
Speaker 2: It's like Big Brother, but less drama.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's an interesting way.
Speaker 2: I want a monk reality. It's just done like this.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just like that the whole time. Like we
Speaker 1: just don't move like your your teachers at midnight, turning
Speaker 1: at midnight to see something and nothing's changed the same.
Speaker 1: But but but I find that for me, like social
Speaker 1: media is something that I have to I have to
Speaker 1: be very intentional unconscious. Yes, so I always make sure
Speaker 1: that it's not the first thing I see every morning.
Speaker 1: So study show we have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts
Speaker 1: per day. Now, if I asked you to control sixty
Speaker 1: to eighty thousand thoughts, you couldn't. It's impossible. And eighty
Speaker 1: percent of those are negative and repetitive. And so most
Speaker 1: of us are saying the same negative thing like you
Speaker 1: look in the mirror in the morning, you go, I'm ugly,
Speaker 1: Why I don't look great today? Get to lunchtime, you
Speaker 1: look at your phone selfie, oh god, I still look
Speaker 1: the same. Right, You're like repeating a thought again and
Speaker 1: again and again. It's like comfortable, exactly, and it's relatable
Speaker 1: and its familiar. And so what I say to people
Speaker 1: is make sure that you choose intentionally your first thought
Speaker 1: of the day and your last thought of the day.
Speaker 1: You can control two thoughts per day, and so my
Speaker 1: first thought of the day, I don't want it to
Speaker 1: be based on news, negativity, notifications, or noise, which is
Speaker 1: what my phone's gonna give me if I pick it
Speaker 1: up first thing in the morning. Yes, So, even if
Speaker 1: you can create a seven minute gap between when you
Speaker 1: wake up and picking up your phone, a five minute
Speaker 1: gap to brush your teeth and like just get to
Speaker 1: that point of having a shower, Like, even if you
Speaker 1: can just do that, get there, because I promise you
Speaker 1: it's going to give your time, your mind time to
Speaker 1: warm up. And one of the things I often mention
Speaker 1: is that waking up and looking at a phone is
Speaker 1: like letting a hundred people walk into your bedroom in
Speaker 1: the morning before you've got up. You would never let
Speaker 1: one hundred.
Speaker 2: People walk literal nightmare.
Speaker 1: Literal nightmare. You'd be like, wait my makeup. You'd be like,
Speaker 1: oh wait a minute, let me just put on some clothes.
Speaker 1: You'd be like, oh wait, let me whatever.
Speaker 2: Also like I don't want to know how everyone is doing,
Speaker 2: Like I can't take in all that energy.
Speaker 1: Come on, you just need to get your energy right.
Speaker 1: But when you pick up your phone, that's what it is.
Speaker 1: A hundred people just walked into the bedroom of your mind.
Speaker 1: And now you've set yourself up to be reactive to
Speaker 1: all their needs, all their requests, and so I find
Speaker 1: giving yourself that gap. So for me, one thing is
Speaker 1: giving myself that gap. The second thing is I consider
Speaker 1: myself to be fairly present if I'm at lunch or
Speaker 1: dinner and me and my wife had a rule that
Speaker 1: we set a while ago in the home, which was
Speaker 1: no technology homes and no technology times. Sorry let me
Speaker 1: tell you again, no technology zones and no technology times.
Speaker 1: So for example, the dining table and the bedroom are
Speaker 1: no technology zones. Oh wow, because I'd rather eat with
Speaker 1: you and I'd rather sleep with you. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be like you know, in this in between, yes,
Speaker 1: and then no technology times like after nine pm, let's
Speaker 1: not be on our phones, you know, before we finish
Speaker 1: our meditation in the morning, which is something we do together,
Speaker 1: We're not gonna look at our phones. And so I
Speaker 1: find that, even and we're not perfect, we break those
Speaker 1: rules all the time, Like, yes, do I have my
Speaker 1: phone out?
Speaker 2: You guys are wild?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, like ten thirty pm, I'm on
Speaker 1: my phone. Oh my god. But you know, I'm not
Speaker 1: saying we follow those rules perfectly. But even having those yeah,
Speaker 1: just sets better barriers and boundaries. But I think the
Speaker 1: biggest thing is, please create a five to seven minute
Speaker 1: gap between waking up and looking at your phone, because
Speaker 1: your phone's just gonna bombard you with negativity, noise, notifications,
Speaker 1: and news. And now you start your day on a
Speaker 1: minus four and your whole day you're just climbing up
Speaker 1: the ladder trying to get back to zero. Yes, when
Speaker 1: you could have set yourself up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like immediately getting a punch in the gut
Speaker 2: that you're kind of doing to yourself because you didn't
Speaker 2: have to look at the phone. I'm talking to myself
Speaker 2: as I look at my phone. Wait, Okay, we're gonna
Speaker 2: get a little darker. We're gonna play a final game.
Speaker 2: But actually I've added this new question that I think
Speaker 2: is fun. What is like your version of hell?
Speaker 1: Oh? I think to know that everyone you loved had
Speaker 1: like a terminal illness or like, you know, like everyone
Speaker 1: everyone you loved is like to disappear in the same way,
Speaker 1: like if everyone of your family was traveling on a
Speaker 1: plane and then you never saw them again. Like to me, like,
Speaker 1: that's the worst thing that could happen, because you you know,
Speaker 1: even with the you know you, yeah, that would be
Speaker 1: that would be hell.
Speaker 2: Because I just watched The Last of Us? Is that
Speaker 2: what it's called The Last of Us on HBO? It's
Speaker 2: the Oh my god, it's so good. I highly recommend,
Speaker 2: but it's it's very apocalyptic, right, fun guy anyway.
Speaker 1: But did you mean more like casually hell? That was
Speaker 1: that was a strong word.
Speaker 2: The first time I've ever asked this. On this part,
Speaker 2: it's like a new thing. I'm throwing it. It's deep.
Speaker 2: It's I mean, yeah, you see what people like immediately
Speaker 2: go to of like what they value and what they
Speaker 2: don't want to lose. Time to play The Seven Deadly sins. Okay, yes,
Speaker 2: what are you greedy about?
Speaker 1: Oh? What am I greedy about? I'm gonna ask my
Speaker 1: team in a second.
Speaker 2: But and it could be something physical, and it could
Speaker 2: be something emotional.
Speaker 1: Well, greedy, which I've had to work on a lot.
Speaker 1: Is sugar. I love greedy about good chocolate, Like I'm addicted.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, before I met my wife. So yeah, chocolates.
Speaker 2: She gets you onto like the dark.
Speaker 1: No, my wife's kept me away from the darkness because
Speaker 1: she's like extremely focused on chocolate. Just get me away
Speaker 1: from dark and old chocolates. But yeah, probably chocolates.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I looked at her page. I mean she
Speaker 2: looks very healthy and knowledgeable. Who are you envious of?
Speaker 1: Oh that is such a good question. Okay, who am
Speaker 1: I envious of? No, I'm gonna be honest. I'm envious
Speaker 1: if Christiano Ronaldo because I think he's amazing. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be straight up, if I could have been a football player,
Speaker 1: I was never gonna He deals with a lot. He does.
Speaker 1: And that's what you realize, right, Like, even the people
Speaker 1: you look up to the most are dealing with so much.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, he deals with way too much more,
Speaker 1: you know. And and I mean.
Speaker 2: That's why I came up with the concept of burning
Speaker 2: and hell, because I started to meet these people I
Speaker 2: looked up to, and then you start to realize everyone's
Speaker 2: living through their own Eveyone was thinking, like, why did
Speaker 2: Lebron like Lebron James? Is he that much happier than
Speaker 2: all of us? And then I realize, like, everyone has
Speaker 2: the card they're dealt and their own experience, and he
Speaker 2: didn't doesn't have some like karmic thing that made him
Speaker 2: like his hell is as painful as our health. It
Speaker 2: just might be in a mansion.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. And and the thing with Christiana Ronaudo is
Speaker 1: I don't and I'm obviously I'm half joking, but I
Speaker 1: think it's I think he inspires me. And sometimes I
Speaker 1: look at envy as not that I want what they
Speaker 1: have or what he has. It's almost like that's what
Speaker 1: I aspire.
Speaker 2: For, and he's great in something.
Speaker 1: He me by his mindset. He inspires me by his dedication,
Speaker 1: like his hair. I wanna his hair. I mean maybe
Speaker 1: I could. I could. I think my head is good,
Speaker 1: but I think I think for me, it's more like
Speaker 1: I aspire in so many ways to carry that spirit
Speaker 1: for what he does for his love, that I can
Speaker 1: do that for my love. So that's what I mean
Speaker 1: by any.
Speaker 2: Did you manifest this life for yourself?
Speaker 1: Oh wow? I would say that when I started, I
Speaker 1: had no idea that it would ever get to this
Speaker 1: point and stage.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 1: I would say, no, I love because I didn't really
Speaker 1: ever believe that this many people would care about well being, mindfulness, meditation, health.
Speaker 1: So I'm so grateful and humbled every day. Did I
Speaker 1: get to live this life?
Speaker 2: I love that because I almost think that if you
Speaker 2: manifested like I want to be, like have millions and
Speaker 2: mints of followers on Instagram, you wouldn't have gotten there.
Speaker 2: You manifested I want to fully understand these teachings and
Speaker 2: be able to teach people.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think what I manifested was I want to
Speaker 1: do what I love every day, and what I love
Speaker 1: is learning, teaching, sharing, experimenting, and living. And I'm going
Speaker 1: to find a way to make that relevant, accessible and
Speaker 1: helpful to people and practical to people.
Speaker 2: And that you love the journey of it absolutely And
Speaker 2: if you don't love the journey, you're not going to
Speaker 2: get anyway.
Speaker 1: Absolutely powerful. He's a great question.
Speaker 2: Oh oh my God, thank you. When was the last
Speaker 2: time you experienced extreme wrath or anger?
Speaker 1: Oh that's a really tough one. Oh gosh, I so
Speaker 1: I've never been. I grew up in a house where
Speaker 1: there was a lot of anger, and so I very
Speaker 1: early on was like, yeah, I'm not going to be angry.
Speaker 1: And even when I met my wife, we were like,
Speaker 1: we're never going to raise our voices. Even if we argue,
Speaker 1: even if we fight, it's never abusive, it's never So
Speaker 1: anger is like a rare, rare, rare emotion for me,
Speaker 1: like irritable, Yes, from.
Speaker 2: A man, that's powerful because I feel like a lot of.
Speaker 1: Men well, because my dad scared me when he was angry, right, Like,
Speaker 1: it's like, if you've seen anger at like it's peak
Speaker 1: and extreme, you don't want to go near that. So
Speaker 1: I can't. I really can't. And that's not me being instance.
Speaker 1: I just genuinely cannot remember the last time I was angry.
Speaker 1: Oh I can, but it wasn't wrath. It wasn't Rath's
Speaker 1: being half silly again. Yeah, when my wife for my
Speaker 1: birthday brought me a tablet that was an ass, not
Speaker 1: an iPad. Right, Ass's no offense to aces, but when
Speaker 1: I said I wanted an iPad, it had to be
Speaker 1: an iPad, but it was not.
Speaker 2: It was an ass you just threw it across the room.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, it wasn't. I was still polite. I
Speaker 1: was like, I was like, you got me an asis.
Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, really like an asis?
Speaker 2: Can you?
Speaker 1: And she was like no, but my.
Speaker 2: Like, are we also Android users?
Speaker 1: Now? She was like, my family told me it's like
Speaker 1: really good technologically, and it's.
Speaker 2: Like better, Like, well, your family hates me.
Speaker 1: I was like, well, your family doesn't know I wanted
Speaker 1: an iPad. I honestly can't remember the last one.
Speaker 2: I was angry, but that's it's also the fact that
Speaker 2: you meditate every day is probably very helpful. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 2: because I joke that a lot of men whenever they
Speaker 2: experience anything besides anger, they like don't know what to do.
Speaker 2: So it's nice to have men feeling other emotions than
Speaker 2: just immediately making it like the most masculine.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I think doing certain things that can express
Speaker 1: emotions that are healthy. I mean, I played a lot
Speaker 1: of rugby going on, and I feel like as a
Speaker 1: young man, if you did have any anger or frustration,
Speaker 1: like you had an outlet whereas welcome to be physical
Speaker 1: and so like even today, if it's like I know
Speaker 1: a lot of my friends, like we'll lift or do
Speaker 1: tough workouts, or we'll go on a hike or like
Speaker 1: something that's challenging is often where you can channel that anger. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I find like, if you don't channel your anger
Speaker 1: towards something that's challenging, you take it out and someone
Speaker 1: you care about. And I think that's what hurts me
Speaker 1: the most is that the people that matter to us
Speaker 1: most get the worst of us, and the people that
Speaker 1: we say that are first in our lives get the
Speaker 1: worst of us. And I would never want that to
Speaker 1: be the case. And I don't want to live in
Speaker 1: a world where I just treat my wife with anger
Speaker 1: and then i'm I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. And
Speaker 1: I think once you've said something you don't mean, no,
Speaker 1: it never goes from someone's memory. It's always there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And so I just I kind of take that very
Speaker 1: seriously that I don't want to say something that I
Speaker 1: don't truly believe.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was a tennis player, and I definitely think
Speaker 2: like hitting a ball, well, like I would just go out.
Speaker 1: On the ball the ball doesn't have feelings. Just go
Speaker 1: for it.
Speaker 2: Do you have a physical regimen too, Like do you
Speaker 2: do yoga or you run or what do you do.
Speaker 1: For I've olcoated between a bunch of things. Right now.
Speaker 1: It's hiking every day, Wow, every single day for about
Speaker 1: an hour. It's really beautiful. I love it. Also gives
Speaker 1: me the sunlight in the morning, gets my circadian rhythm moving. Yes,
Speaker 1: there's enough of an incline where it's challenging. It's it's
Speaker 1: great cardiovascular health. I played tennis during the pandemic.
Speaker 2: Oh cool.
Speaker 1: That was really fun. But I realized when you take
Speaker 1: up a sport when you're older, you're good while you're practicing.
Speaker 1: I didn't play for a year. I am terrible. So
Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, I could play some
Speaker 1: tournaments now. And then I didn't play for a year,
Speaker 1: and now I'm.
Speaker 2: Like, tennis is so like skill and timing and so.
Speaker 1: But I loved it. So I played tennis. I've broke it.
Speaker 1: I've been sometimes I'll be at the gym, sometimes I'll
Speaker 1: be hiking, sometimes I'll be playing tennis. I'll mix it up.
Speaker 2: It's good. I mean, I live a similar life to
Speaker 2: you and where like sometimes you're touring, sometimes you're on
Speaker 2: the road. So sometimes I have trouble with that like
Speaker 2: consistency that I used to have as a kid when
Speaker 2: I was like just training. But it is important to
Speaker 2: move your body.
Speaker 1: It is so important speaking.
Speaker 2: Of when was the last time you were a sloth?
Speaker 2: So like had like a real lazy day.
Speaker 1: Oh, probably like last weekend or maybe yeah, yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: a couple of weekends ago. I try and have a sloth.
Speaker 1: I try to have a sloth evening once a week
Speaker 1: where I could like order all the food that my
Speaker 1: wife would never condone. Hell yeah, go all out when
Speaker 1: she's not around.
Speaker 2: What's you like guilty pleasure? Like your least monk like
Speaker 2: thing about you that people would be surprised to now.
Speaker 1: Least monk like probably like addiction to like fried food, sugar, chocolate,
Speaker 1: fudge cake with extra chocolate topics, Like it has to
Speaker 1: be food related because yes, I have such a like, yeah,
Speaker 1: such a big sweet tooth. It's like burgers, fries, pizza,
Speaker 1: pasta with a ton of yeah, like I had it.
Speaker 1: I used to go to a place here in New
Speaker 1: York called Terry's, Huh, And I invented a shake day.
Speaker 1: It wasn't named after her anything cool like that. I
Speaker 1: just used to go there and I'll have the usual
Speaker 1: and they'd be like, what, what do you want to
Speaker 1: explain it? But I'd get them to grind up a
Speaker 1: brownie into their milk shape. I was like, I was like,
Speaker 1: can you grind it just perfect so I can still
Speaker 1: taste the brownie pieces? Like it needs to come up
Speaker 1: the straws And it's like, so that's yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're getting like too many emotions with it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I get too connected talk about love.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is the hard one. When was the last
Speaker 2: time you let your pride or your ego get in
Speaker 2: the way of something?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I mean every time I talked to
Speaker 1: my wife Like, so it's hard, it's hard.
Speaker 2: It's so good. By the way, you're killing a.
Speaker 1: Person who loved the most is the person who gets
Speaker 1: that side of you, like yeah, and they.
Speaker 2: Know you so easily to like know exactly your triggers are,
Speaker 2: like things that piss you off.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I I officiated Gen and Ben's wedding last year,
Speaker 1: and I've been asked about a lot. Oh yeah, that's
Speaker 1: on my mind. So I officiate this wedding last and
Speaker 1: I was practicing to my wife the day before and
Speaker 1: she saw me practice. I had my notes, I you know,
Speaker 1: rehearsed it for her, and she goes, that's terrible. She
Speaker 1: was just like that's really bad. Like she was like,
Speaker 1: you got to change that. And I was like, and
Speaker 1: my whole ego, I was like, do you know who
Speaker 1: I am? I was? I was like, I was like,
Speaker 1: I've been asked, like, don't you realize? And it was
Speaker 1: just really interesting because I was like and then I
Speaker 1: was like, all right, I didn't obviously, I said to her.
Speaker 1: I was like, no, no, no, it's really good. I
Speaker 1: mean I thought about this. She was like, no, no,
Speaker 1: you need to change the whole thing. And it was
Speaker 1: just really interesting because all my ego wanted to do
Speaker 1: is defend myself. But then I'm like, but she just
Speaker 1: wants me to be good tomorrow. That's all she wants.
Speaker 1: She's being honest with me when no one else would
Speaker 1: be honest.
Speaker 2: With me true everyone else would literally be like, that's
Speaker 2: the greatest thing I've ever heard, Jay, You're amazing. Nobly,
Speaker 2: she just wants me to be good tomorrow, and she
Speaker 2: knows what you're capable.
Speaker 1: Of exactly, and so I rewrote it and it went
Speaker 1: really well and she was really happy with it. And
Speaker 1: I think that, for me is a perfect example of
Speaker 1: how every part of me was just defending myself and
Speaker 1: and I think we do that with our partners with everything.
Speaker 1: We defend ourselves because we want them to love us.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we care so much about what they think.
Speaker 1: We care so much about what they think, but we
Speaker 1: don't realize what they think is love. Like that is
Speaker 1: care them saying hey, I think you could be better
Speaker 1: at this. I think I know you can do better.
Speaker 1: I know how great you can be. That is the
Speaker 1: deepest form of love and care. Not someone pretending that
Speaker 1: you don't have something in your teeth.
Speaker 2: You're like, you're so right. I'm the person that tells
Speaker 2: you there's something in your teeth.
Speaker 1: Someone came up to me the other day and told
Speaker 1: me I was just about a film. Actually, I was
Speaker 1: doing an interview last week on my podcast, and my
Speaker 1: videographer is me, bro, You've got like cheer seeds all
Speaker 1: up in your teeth.
Speaker 2: And I was like, all right, all right, I'm gonna
Speaker 2: get the.
Speaker 1: There you go. I'm I'm silent, I'll take it.
Speaker 2: Okay, final question, what advice would you give to the
Speaker 2: listeners on how to cope with your hell when you're
Speaker 2: going through it. You're in your darkness, whether it's in
Speaker 2: a relationship, your job, what are some go to things
Speaker 2: that you like to turn.
Speaker 1: To the first thing that I've always said to myself
Speaker 1: is this only makes the story better. One day, you're
Speaker 1: going to tell your story. One day you're going to
Speaker 1: share it. It may just be with a family, friend, it
Speaker 1: may just be it maybe be a child, it may
Speaker 1: be with a brother or sister, a parent, And when
Speaker 1: you tell that story, your hell is what's going to
Speaker 1: make the story really connect and impact and help people.
Speaker 1: And so don't lose that part of how amazing this
Speaker 1: will make your story. People will be able to relate
Speaker 1: to your hell far more than your heaven because your
Speaker 1: hell is something everyone can connect with. Everyone's been there.
Speaker 1: The second thing I'd say is what is this telling
Speaker 1: me I need to develop as a skill? Not what
Speaker 1: do I need to learn? What's the skill that I
Speaker 1: need to develop in order to break through this? Right?
Speaker 1: Maybe you're holding a blunt sword and you can't cut
Speaker 1: what's down in front of you, so it's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: let me learn to sharpen the sword. That's the skill
Speaker 1: I need right now. And I think often when we're struggling,
Speaker 1: we're like, why is this happening to me? I wish
Speaker 1: this wasn't happening, rather than going wait, wait, wait, what
Speaker 1: skill do I need to learn? Maybe the skill is mindfulness,
Speaker 1: Maybe the skill is resilience. Maybe the skill is learning
Speaker 1: how to fight. And if you focus on a skill,
Speaker 1: now you've got an amazing ammunition for the rest of
Speaker 1: your life. You pull it out of your toolkit whenever
Speaker 1: you need it. Yes, So I'd say that's the second thing.
Speaker 1: And the third thing that I say to myself when
Speaker 1: I'm going through a tough time or walking through hell
Speaker 1: is actually it's the opposite, reminding myself when I'm in
Speaker 1: heaven that hell is just around the corner, and reminding
Speaker 1: myself in hell that heaven is just around the corner.
Speaker 1: And both have to work together. That when things I
Speaker 1: always say to people, when things are bad, work hard,
Speaker 1: but when things are good, work harder. Yes, because we
Speaker 1: get so complacent when things are good, and when you
Speaker 1: get complacent when things are good, the hell feels much worse.
Speaker 1: And so just live in this equanimity of I'm just
Speaker 1: doing my purpose whether it's hell or heaven.
Speaker 2: Yes, instead of being so extreme with the light and dark.
Speaker 2: It's like you're existing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm existing. I know what I'm doing. Whether it's
Speaker 1: hell or heaven. I'm going to wake up and do
Speaker 1: the same thing anyway, whether it's Hello Heaven. I'm going
Speaker 1: to wake up and meditate, whether it's hell or heaven.
Speaker 1: I'm going to wake up and work out. Whether it's
Speaker 1: hell or heaven, I'm going to try and serve impact
Speaker 1: people because that's what I was born to do. Anyway.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, J Shetty just served it up in Hell.
Speaker 1: This is so fun.
Speaker 2: That was amazing. I was like, I want to push him,
Speaker 2: my own challenge him, and you knocked everything out of the park.
Speaker 2: Tell everyone where they can get your book, where they
Speaker 2: can follow you, where they can see you live. Give
Speaker 2: me all the.
Speaker 1: Tea, absolutely so. If you want to read the book
Speaker 1: or listen to the audiobook version, which I read out myself,
Speaker 1: oh gorgeous. Eight rules of Love dot com the number
Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love dot Com. And if you'd like
Speaker 1: to see me on tour, I'm going on my first
Speaker 1: world tour ever. Very excited to sit near you. Head
Speaker 1: over to jshetdytour dot com and you can get tickets
Speaker 1: for the international tour.
Speaker 2: That is so exciting. Thank you for coming to Hell.
Speaker 2: We'll talk to you guys later.
Speaker 1: Bye, Thank you so much. Imagine the Lord of the
Speaker 1: Rings if Frodo never had to leave the shire? How
Speaker 1: about the is It of Oz with no tornado? Or
Speaker 1: picture Black Panther. If t'charlene never had to battle a
Speaker 1: challenger for the throne, they'd be totally boring, right. That's
Speaker 1: because every epic journey includes obstacles to overcome, mountains to climb,
Speaker 1: and magical rings to destroy. Okay, maybe not that, but
Speaker 1: you get the idea. The next seven minutes are about
Speaker 1: your story and how struggle makes you stronger. I'm Jay Sheddy.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now, before we embark on
Speaker 1: this great adventure, let's get centered by taking three deep
Speaker 1: brats inhaling and exhaling, arriving and settling, connecting with this moment,
Speaker 1: and tuning in. So I'm going to let you in
Speaker 1: on the world's worst kept secret. I love the Dark
Speaker 1: Knight trilogy. I think Christopher Nolan's reboot of the Batman
Speaker 1: saga is absolutely epic. The characters are incredible, the story
Speaker 1: rich and engaging. One of the things I love most
Speaker 1: about Batman, aside from the fact that he gets the
Speaker 1: coolest gear ever, is that, unlike many other superheroes, he
Speaker 1: wasn't born with special powers. He didn't acquire them as
Speaker 1: a result of some freak laboratory accident or insect bite.
Speaker 1: Bruce Wayne is a regular human, just like you and me.
Speaker 1: He needed to battle those villains along with his own
Speaker 1: doubts and fears, in order to become Batman. The point is,
Speaker 1: there's a reason that we're captivated by the Batman movies
Speaker 1: and countless other epic te It's because they take us
Speaker 1: on a roller coaster ride. First, the main character is up,
Speaker 1: then they're down. They win sometimes, but they also lose.
Speaker 1: Their final victory doesn't come without significant struggle, and it's
Speaker 1: that wild ride that makes the triumph all the more inspiring.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. While we love to read or
Speaker 1: watch a great story, we're sometimes afraid to live one.
Speaker 1: We've somehow been trained to believe that only good times
Speaker 1: are worth living, that happiness and joy are what life
Speaker 1: is all about. We've made an enemy of so called
Speaker 1: bad times. We don't see their value, and so we
Speaker 1: try to run away from them or erase them from
Speaker 1: our memories. But tough moments are there to give something
Speaker 1: to us. If Bruce Wayne had just gone about his
Speaker 1: regular life, if he'd never risen to the challenges set
Speaker 1: before him, he would have never become the person he
Speaker 1: is by the end of the story. He would have
Speaker 1: never become capable of saving Gotham City. He would have
Speaker 1: never become a hero. There's a Zen proverb that says,
Speaker 1: obstacles don't block the path, they are the path. I've
Speaker 1: gone through some really hard times. I'm sure you have too.
Speaker 1: And when I find myself resisting what's happening, or I
Speaker 1: start to question why I have a trick that helps
Speaker 1: me adjust my mindset, I pause, take a breath, and
Speaker 1: tell myself, this only makes the story better. So instead
Speaker 1: of resisting challenges, think of them as brilliant plot points
Speaker 1: that make your life richer and you stronger, maybe even
Speaker 1: a hero. On that note, let's do a visualized exercise
Speaker 1: together to provide you with motivation for your journey. Begin
Speaker 1: by getting a little more comfortable wherever you are landing
Speaker 1: in the here and now and letting distractions fade into
Speaker 1: the background. Taking a couple energizing breaths and grounding in
Speaker 1: the present, feeling your feet on the floor or your
Speaker 1: seat in the chair, solid and connected. Now, bring to
Speaker 1: mind a superhero that inspires you. Picture them in your
Speaker 1: mind's eyes, think about their traits, the heroic qualities that
Speaker 1: have helped them become who they are, and really connect
Speaker 1: with that source of inspiration. Now look inside of you
Speaker 1: and see if you can find any seeds of the heroic.
Speaker 1: It could be something as simple as feeling the stable
Speaker 1: power of your feet on the floor, or maybe a
Speaker 1: memory of a time you felt courageous, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: start to cultivate this quality within yourself. If you're feeling
Speaker 1: some self doubt or un certainty, that's natural. Bruce Wayne
Speaker 1: didn't become Batman overnight. I just hope you don't give
Speaker 1: up on the greatness within. And let's open this up.
Speaker 1: How do you generally view tough times or roadblocks that
Speaker 1: get in your way? Can you reframe your outlook on challenges? Finally,
Speaker 1: can you think of your personal story as a hero's journey?
Speaker 1: I hope you feel inspired by today's message, and if so,
Speaker 1: make sure to pass it along to an everyday hero
Speaker 1: that you know, in the words of Superman, you are
Speaker 1: much stronger than you think you are. Trust me, I'll
Speaker 1: see you tomorrow.