WEBVTT - My Lolita 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:04.120 Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Warning. 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:08.320 This episode contains discussion of self harm, grooming, and sexual abuse. 0:00:08.720 --> 0:00:16.640 Listener discretion is advised that summer was full of presents. 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:19.680 It seems like every time I saw him was a 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:24.080 celebration of me, of us. There were always drinks, There 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.680 were always boxes, typed with bakery string, sometimes with candy 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:29.720 or a pair of panties. He thought I would like 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:33.280 or look gloss or grown up perfume. He said, I 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:37.920 shouldn't smell like a schoolgirl anymore. One night he sat 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:40.440 me on his couch and gave me a thin package, 0:00:40.800 --> 0:00:44.680 wrapped in newsprint, red and white bakery string. What's this? 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:49.920 The gift was light like paper. Open it. I untied 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:52.880 the string, peeled back the tape. It was a book, 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:56.840 almost a brown folder, half the size of a piece 0:00:56.880 --> 0:01:01.240 of notebook paper. Open it the right way. I had 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:06.520 had it upside down. Oh. It had a title, Revised 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:13.840 Evidence Vladimir Novakov's Collection of Inscriptions, Annotations, Corrections and Butterfly Descriptions. 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:18.279 I hugged it against my chest, thanking him with a kiss, 0:01:18.600 --> 0:01:20.919 his cats leaping on the other side of the couch. 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:24.640 I knew you'd love it, he said, smiling at me, 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:28.880 inches away from my mouth. Of course, I kissed him again. 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:32.440 You know I love the book as much as you. 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:38.920 You're my Lolita, he said. That's Alison Wood, writer, professor, 0:01:39.240 --> 0:01:43.560 author of the memoir being Lolita. Alison's is a story 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:47.040 as old as time, a story of an older man 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:49.880 in a position of power and a girl who is 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:53.800 his prey, and the ripple effect of that story once 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:58.280 that girl escapes his clutches and grows up. It's also 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.240 a story about the peep on the sidelines of the 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:05.560 secret who may notice, who may see, but avert their 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:19.960 eyes and mind their own business. I'm Danny Shapiro, and 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:23.200 this is family secrets, the secrets that are kept from us, 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:26.200 the secrets we keep from others, and the secrets we 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:35.200 keep from ourselves. Tell me about the landscape of your childhood. 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.480 I hate to use the word idyllic, but you know, 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:45.520 my childhood was pretty great. I was a voracious reader 0:02:46.120 --> 0:02:49.480 from the time when I was very little. Um. I 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:52.160 was always way ahead of my reading and my writing, 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:57.359 and my parents were very enthusiastic and proud of me 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:02.600 most of the time. My teachers, we're also very encouraging 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:06.119 I remember my first grade teacher, Mrs Tesla, would give 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:09.880 me like extra spelling quizzes and give me extra assignments 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:13.760 to keep me busy. But then, of course, when I 0:03:13.800 --> 0:03:16.440 was in the fourth grade, I had this one teacher 0:03:17.160 --> 0:03:20.359 named Mrs gross Um that was that was literally her name, 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:26.600 and she was very frustrated that I was so ahead 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:30.480 in sort of spelling and reading and writing, and so 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:34.160 she began to for half of the day send me 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:37.520 to the school library. So I would spend half of 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:40.960 my day alone in the library with no other no 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:45.120 other kids, just with the librarians. And that was probably 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:50.400 very impactful to my childhood. Looking back, the librarians adored me. 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:53.240 They doated on me. They thought it was so great 0:03:53.320 --> 0:03:56.520 that somebody wanted to read. As I continued growing up 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:59.400 the library in town, I was there every week checking 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:02.040 out a huge old books. When I was in middle school, 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:07.560 my librarian was one of my closest confidence and I 0:04:07.640 --> 0:04:12.560 just I always loved reading and writing. But at the 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:17.520 same time, looking back, there was also I always dealt 0:04:17.520 --> 0:04:20.080 with some sort of depression, even from when I was 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:25.400 very young. Um recently, I was home over the holidays 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:28.800 and helping my mother clean out an attic and we 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:32.599 found all of this, you know, ephemera from my childhood, 0:04:33.120 --> 0:04:36.960 and it included a book that I had written when 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:40.800 I was ten. So but it says Allison's book on it. 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:45.520 You know. It has all these stories and poems in there, 0:04:45.520 --> 0:04:49.200 and some drawings and it has this one poem about death, 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:54.000 like I Wonder what it's like to be dead? And 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:58.360 drawings of this cemetery and I'm like, what what is 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:04.000 going on with this tenure old? Those are really amazing 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:08.440 moments when we when we discover something, stumble across something 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:13.719 that is ours, something that we did or wrote, or 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:17.000 or a maide as a child, and you know, the 0:05:17.000 --> 0:05:19.440 feeling is sort of like, who did that? Was that me? 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.000 Who did? Like? What was what was the experience of 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:25.839 did you have any memory of you know, that little 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:28.560 girl who was uh, you know, sort of obsessed with 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:34.839 ideas of of death. I had no memory of writing 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:39.080 this book or this particular poem. The poem was rhyming, 0:05:39.480 --> 0:05:41.520 but you know it was it was pretty long. It 0:05:41.600 --> 0:05:43.960 was decent I think for a ten year old. Looking back, 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:47.400 I'm like, you know, Alison was trying her best. And 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:49.560 also inside the same book there was of course a 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:52.760 short story about cats, which is very on brand about 0:05:52.800 --> 0:05:57.680 me still, But I think what it reminded me was 0:05:58.240 --> 0:06:00.000 about that same time, when I was in fourth grade, 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:04.320 my mother became concerned that I was depressed. This was 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:06.960 also the same year that I had that terrible teacher 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:09.719 who was sending me half the day to the library 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:13.120 and you know, isolating me from the other students. So 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:17.360 my mother began having me see a therapist, a child therapist, 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:23.240 And all I really remember is that we talked a lot. 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:26.520 He had me like right things, like right stories or whatnot. 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:29.720 I got to have you who, which was a very 0:06:29.960 --> 0:06:32.840 deal because it was I had a very like you know, 0:06:33.000 --> 0:06:34.919 sort of um. I wouldn't say there was like no 0:06:35.000 --> 0:06:37.719 sugar lab, but you know, no sugary seniors, like none 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:41.479 of that, no cookies, no candy kind of home. And 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:45.880 I don't remember feeling depressed. I don't remember. I don't 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:48.520 look back at myself and think, oh, I was really depressed. 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:51.960 I've been told this and I was sort of like, Okay, 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:54.960 I guess, But then I find that poem and I'm like, oh, 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:58.240 I guess. Ten year old Allison was kind of dark 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:02.279 for a ten year old, did you experience Mrs Gross 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:06.200 sending new to the library for half the day as punishment. 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:09.720 I knew it was to get me out of her hair. 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:13.400 I knew that was why she was sending me away. 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:15.400 And of course, as a as a teacher, as a 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:18.360 professor myself, I fully understand that now, But at the 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:21.360 time I took it all very personally, and you know, 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:24.400 it was like what I you know, I'd get frustrated. 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:29.720 I'd get grumpy about it, um be partially because um 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:34.600 that teacher was not I was not putting any effort 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:38.800 into trying to support me more as other teachers had. 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:42.840 Um they you know, she didn't see my what I 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:45.520 looked back now and see, she didn't see my intelligence 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:48.880 or my being sort of ahead of the curve as 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:53.559 something positive. So well, I loved the library. I'm sure 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:56.920 that the isolation and the sort of being made to 0:07:57.000 --> 0:08:00.440 feel different, not in a good way. I'm sure that 0:08:00.440 --> 0:08:05.280 that was impactful to how I understood myself as a child. 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.200 And you know, I'm sure that it's not a coincidence 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:10.120 that that was when I was writing all these times 0:08:10.120 --> 0:08:15.640 about death. Describe your mother for me a little bit. 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:23.440 My mother is someone who i've always very much looked 0:08:23.520 --> 0:08:26.160 up to, and I've always very much wanted to be 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:31.440 like because she is very resilient and she's very tough. 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:36.240 She's a deputy director or a nonprofit in Connecticut. Her 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:39.240 job for a long time has always been the person 0:08:39.280 --> 0:08:44.280 who fires people. My mother has has no problem with conflict. 0:08:44.360 --> 0:08:47.160 She's not afraid of being direct. She's someone who had 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:49.199 worked I worked out the same nonprofit at her, and 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:52.080 I just didn't understand how intimidating she was to other 0:08:52.160 --> 0:08:54.520 people because to me, she was just mom. But she 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:57.720 was very intimidating to other people at times, and I 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:01.400 sort of admired that about her. Um. But then on 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:05.280 the other hand, at my home growing up, there were 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:08.319 always other kids there, in particular my little sister's friends. 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:12.800 There would always be other teenagers hanging around who would 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:16.840 call her mom. I sometimes describe my mother as someone 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:20.880 who takes in strays, because since I left home to 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:23.960 go to college, there's always been somebody staying in my room. 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:28.280 So there's very There's this very interesting dichotomy there between 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.520 who she is I think, and I think the ability 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:33.240 to be sort of tough and strong and resilient but 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:40.520 also have this nurturing this very big mom energy. What 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:44.520 about your father? What your father like? My father as well, 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:47.719 has done nonprofit work his entire life. He was a 0:09:47.760 --> 0:09:52.840 concert pianist when he was younger, and he's really warm 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:56.640 and kind and supportive. He was always the person when 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:59.320 whatever I did, if I did a school play, if 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:02.200 I you know, it was working on a project, whatever 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:05.040 it was, he was always there, right in the front 0:10:05.120 --> 0:10:10.280 row um being so supportive of me. Which is funny 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:13.760 because on the other hand, my mother was someone who, 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:16.160 so I did community theater for a long time, and 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:21.079 she was famous within community theater circles for walking out 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:24.160 if she did not like a play, including if her 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:30.280 daughter was in it. Yes, she was known for doing that, 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:35.480 and you know, people were either deeply offended or sort 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:37.280 of thought it was funny. I I chose to think 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:40.360 it was funny. But what that told me then was 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:43.439 when she stayed for a show, she really liked it. 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.280 That meant that when she was staying, I was like, Wow, 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:49.000 my mother really likes this. Whereas my father was someone 0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:51.080 who would always be at the show, always telling me 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:53.800 how great it was and how amazing I was. So 0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:57.480 it's this, it's this funny difference in the two of them. 0:10:57.600 --> 0:11:01.080 My father was not quite as present in my life 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:04.040 growing up. He was, you know, in sort of that 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:06.240 typical way. He was the one who would work late 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:09.920 and who wouldn't always be home for dinner. My mother 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:12.720 took on much more of those sort of caregiving role, 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:15.680 the typical role for me and my little sister. Um. 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:18.880 She was. She worked part time at certain points to 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:21.559 support me and Lauren. Where is My father never did that. 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:25.360 My mother never made any of those choices growing up, 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:28.839 None of them. Laura and I were her number one 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:36.000 priority all the time. Allison's childhood may have been idyllic, 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.319 but as she becomes a teenager, she begins to get 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:43.480 into deeper and deeper trouble. She develops serious issues with 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:48.959 depression and begins to self harm. People found out because 0:11:49.520 --> 0:11:51.839 in gym class in middle school. You know, you've got 0:11:51.840 --> 0:11:53.760 the lockers you have to change to like your gym 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:56.560 outfit and whatnot. Two friends of mine had saw my 0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:59.439 arms and brought me to the school social worker. When 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:01.480 I got home that your school that day, my mother 0:12:01.520 --> 0:12:04.520 had already been notified. Obviously, I think that they sent 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:07.839 me home early. Um, and that is actually One of 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:10.200 the only times I remember seeing my mother crying was 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:13.120 she got on the phone to someone trying to get 0:12:13.120 --> 0:12:15.360 me some sort of services. I'm sure because she was 0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:17.760 always very much a kind of person who when there's 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:20.840 a problem, she's going to solve it. She was very 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:23.600 active and proactive in that way, in particular about me 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:26.080 and my little sister. If there's something wrong, how can 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:28.240 we make it better, Let's do things. She was all 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:34.120 about action. That continued throughout high school. It did not 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:38.280 get better. Um the cutting did, but I continued being 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:42.160 incredibly depressed. I stopped going to school at certain points. 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:46.199 I switched my nights and days. I was mismedicated at 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:50.120 one point and became manic, but was only manic because 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:52.560 of the medication. Like I had racing thoughts, I was 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:56.160 hearing voices the whole thing. At one point I was 0:12:56.200 --> 0:13:00.320 having electro convulsive therapy because it was sort of that years. 0:13:01.080 --> 0:13:03.959 It didn't make everything better, but it got me out 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.960 of bed. I was going back to school. I wasn't 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:11.040 thinking about killing myself anymore. So it really it really 0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:14.400 did make a difference, a big difference. But nonetheless, streshment 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:16.839 and sophomore year of high school. I wasn't consistently getting 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:19.760 to school, getting too classes. I was failing. At the 0:13:19.800 --> 0:13:22.760 end of sophomore year, they told me, the school told 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:25.040 me that they thought I should not come back and 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:28.679 that I should get my diploma through night school. And 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:32.760 my mother was like, I don't think so, because I, 0:13:33.040 --> 0:13:35.319 of course already had of the had all of those 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:37.920 I p s and disability status, and they were supposed 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:40.960 to be making all these accommodations and whatnot. So my 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:44.000 mother fought like hell to get me into a therapeutic 0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:49.840 day school for my junior year. It was great. I mean, 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:53.360 I felt supported in ways that I hadn't been in years. 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.960 Because one of the bad things that happens, for one 0:13:56.960 --> 0:13:59.000 of the sort of side effects I guess of not 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:02.240 being in school is that your teachers don't think much 0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:05.800 of you anymore, even if you're smart, even if you 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:07.720 know the answers in class, even if you you know 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:09.880 hadn't done the homework just because you know or because 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:14.560 you read the book already, there's this wariness and the 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:17.320 classroom and school had always been a place where I 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:20.720 felt almost always except for that fourth grade teacher, where 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:25.360 I usually felt very very welcome. It was a place 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:29.360 where I took a lot of pride, where I knew 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:34.000 I could succeed, and teachers were really important to me. 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:37.880 I always loved my teachers very much, and I loved 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.440 going to the library, and I would spend time after school. 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:42.680 You know, I was all I was always that kid. 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:48.640 So when that sort of larger institutional relationship fractured so 0:14:48.720 --> 0:14:51.840 severely for me and freshman and sophomore year, looking back, 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:55.400 that was really impactful and negatively impactful in ways that 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:57.840 I did not understand at the time but are pretty 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:09.560 clear to me now. We'll be right back in her 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:14.720 new small school, Allison feels accepted and valued. She's reminded 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:17.360 that she's a smart kid and can do really well. 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:21.600 She goes to group therapy in the afternoons, takes French, 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:24.800 catches up on all the classes she'd missed the previous year. 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:30.480 She gets back on track. Nobody at the therapytic day 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:34.880 school called me crazy. Nobody thought I was nuts. No 0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:37.080 one thought that because we were all very much in 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:40.160 similar boats, and school was a place where I could 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:44.920 succeed again because the teachers weren't constantly giving me a side. 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:48.400 I you know, if I missed a day. Um, I 0:15:48.440 --> 0:15:51.320 wouldn't come back and get sort of glares, would be ignored. 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:53.800 The next day, it was like, okay, great, Alison, you're here, 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:57.760 let's catch you up. So at the end of that year, 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:02.240 you know you've done well academically, and you're given a choice, 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:06.240 right to go back to the school that you would 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:10.320 begun at the public high school or to stay at 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:15.080 the therapeutic day school. Right. I have the choice to 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:18.920 go back to my public high school, and all I 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:23.400 wanted was to be normal, So I chose to go back. 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:28.000 And obviously, you you can't change the past. And I 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:30.800 don't know if it's necessarily a terrible thing that I 0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:35.520 went back, but it is definitely a choice that changed 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:41.440 them the journey of my life in some ways. So 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:45.520 tell me about the reception that you received when you 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:49.960 first went back. I remember that first day back in 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:52.520 high school, back in my in my high school, I 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:56.520 remember hearing other students say I thought she died as 0:16:56.520 --> 0:16:59.760 I walked by, because we know how cruel teenagers can be, 0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:06.080 how sort of off handedly, backhandedly cruel. And people thought 0:17:06.200 --> 0:17:09.320 I was in a mental institution, which I had never been. 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:14.280 I've never been hospitalized. Um, people thought that I had disappeared. 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:17.240 People thought that I was this crazy girl. People thought 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.359 that I was this slut because I had always I 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.000 don't even even when I wasn't going to school regularly, 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:27.719 I always had a boyfriend. I felt more alone than 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:33.720 I think I ever had at that point. And not 0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:37.440 only did I feel completely ostracized from the other students 0:17:38.240 --> 0:17:43.720 and misunderstood and very much judged, but I also felt 0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:49.320 like that from the teachers at school, from the administration, 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:53.600 from the ladies at the front desk, and to my 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:58.480 individual teachers. I remember on that first day there was 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:02.800 one teacher in particular who I felt particularly sort of 0:18:03.040 --> 0:18:07.119 upset about how I was treated, and it was my 0:18:07.200 --> 0:18:11.560 Latin teacher. And I had loved Latin and been really 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:15.800 good at Latin, and my Latin teacher had always sort 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:19.400 of adored me. And then that first day of my 0:18:20.560 --> 0:18:25.680 senior year, I got into his class and he basically 0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:29.240 ignored me. And he when he was assigning seats, you know, 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:32.239 going through role call, saying everyone's name and telling them 0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:35.359 where they had to sit, he did not give me 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:37.840 a seat, and he told me to just sit in 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:40.239 the back, and he said, let's just see how this 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:44.000 goes because he didn't think I was going to be 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:46.560 showing up to class, so why bother getting me a seat? 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:52.520 And that made me so sad, and I remember mostly 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:54.879 being pissed and being like what the fuck? You know, 0:18:54.960 --> 0:18:56.520 like I I didn't say that in the class, but 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:59.639 like in my head, but now I look back and 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:03.040 I that's just so sad. Well it's it's sad, and 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:08.359 it's also I mean, um, to to write off someone 0:19:08.440 --> 0:19:13.600 of that age is not just cruel, but it's pedagogically 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:19.760 like so messed up. That is something that as I, 0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:22.840 as I teach now to undergraduate students and just my 0:19:22.880 --> 0:19:25.679 students in general, I will never do that to a 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:31.399 student again, because it's so obvious to me when a 0:19:31.400 --> 0:19:33.560 student is in trouble, when a student is having a 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:37.720 hard time. So I never question when students say I 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:41.280 need an extension. I know I've missed class, I'm trying 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:43.480 to get there. I never give my students a hard 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:46.439 time about that. Ever, I will never fall to student 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:50.840 for being in a in a tough place. And you know, 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:54.840 of course in my syllabus I say no extensions, you know, 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:57.200 you've got to come to class. But then an actuality 0:19:57.200 --> 0:20:02.920 I'm a total softie. So within this hostile environment where 0:20:02.960 --> 0:20:08.080 both students and teachers shame and ostracized Allison, her English teacher, 0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:12.080 who's new to the school, recognizes her talent and suggests 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:16.720 that one of her colleagues, a teacher Alison calls Nick Norris, 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.159 work with Allison outside of school hours to further her 0:20:20.200 --> 0:20:25.000 writing and become a mentor. I came into her class 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:28.240 and I was really excited about taking her creative writing class. 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:31.240 And she did not come with any sort of baggage 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:35.119 or expectations or judgment. I was just a student who 0:20:35.200 --> 0:20:38.359 was doing well and was happy to be there, which 0:20:38.520 --> 0:20:42.639 was obviously, of course looking back, which was something great, 0:20:42.760 --> 0:20:44.800 you know, I'm sure, I'm sure she was excited. It 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:48.800 was her first year teaching, and she thought that I 0:20:48.880 --> 0:20:54.400 had talent and some you know, possibilities of doing better. 0:20:55.280 --> 0:20:59.320 So she introduced me to Mr North, who was a 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:04.199 also first year teacher, and she introduced him as my 0:21:04.280 --> 0:21:08.080 potential mentor and said, why don't you two start meeting 0:21:08.119 --> 0:21:12.000 after school and it'll be great because I just I 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:14.919 just tront of the capacity to do that, but I 0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:19.280 think Mr North would be a great fit. And I 0:21:19.320 --> 0:21:22.560 was over the Moon. I was so excited. The idea 0:21:22.720 --> 0:21:27.479 of having someone a teacher again sort of take interest 0:21:27.520 --> 0:21:33.480 in me and want to support me was just so 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:36.919 I don't even think I can possibly I can properly 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:41.880 describe how much it gave me hope that I could 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:44.199 still be the kind of student, the kind of person 0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:46.240 that I wanted to be and that I used to be. 0:21:46.880 --> 0:21:49.800 It sort of seemed like, here's an opportunity for me 0:21:49.840 --> 0:21:52.760 to prove everybody wrong. Here's an opportunity for me to 0:21:52.760 --> 0:21:57.159 get some support and to do better not just with 0:21:57.280 --> 0:22:01.320 showing up to class, but with my grades and with 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:06.040 what I was writing, and to really kind of bed 0:22:06.160 --> 0:22:11.159 Allison I wanted to be, and which just so happens 0:22:11.160 --> 0:22:15.920 as well. Mr North was young, and he was very handsome, 0:22:16.560 --> 0:22:19.479 and all the girls thought he was like so cute, 0:22:19.960 --> 0:22:25.199 and he played guitar and would play guitar at the 0:22:25.440 --> 0:22:28.359 coffee shops downtown where all the all the high school 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:30.720 kids also would play guitar and like you know, do 0:22:30.840 --> 0:22:35.280 their little cover bands and things he did that he wore. 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:38.200 This was nearly two thousands, so Abercrombie and Fitch was 0:22:38.240 --> 0:22:41.879 a very big deal, so you would wear Abercrombie and 0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:45.480 Fitch and those leather bracelets and those button ups with 0:22:45.480 --> 0:22:53.240 a little moose pocket, and very much had this sort 0:22:53.240 --> 0:22:57.760 of dual energy of both a grown up because you know, 0:22:57.880 --> 0:23:00.199 we had to call him Mr North. He was is 0:23:00.320 --> 0:23:04.199 our teacher, but he also had these very strong, like 0:23:04.520 --> 0:23:08.080 boy kind of vibes coming off of him. It just 0:23:08.119 --> 0:23:10.280 sort of radiated off of him who he was, this 0:23:10.359 --> 0:23:14.520 complicated figure, and so the idea that I was getting 0:23:14.520 --> 0:23:16.880 his attention for, you know, an hour after school every 0:23:16.920 --> 0:23:19.240 day was just, Oh, my god, I'm the luckiest girl 0:23:19.240 --> 0:23:24.520 in the world. Mr North is twenty six, a teacher 0:23:25.240 --> 0:23:29.560 charged with protecting and educating his students. This could be 0:23:29.600 --> 0:23:33.439 a great thing for Allison, right, a real game changer, 0:23:33.880 --> 0:23:37.760 a popular and admired teacher taking an interest in her writing, 0:23:38.760 --> 0:23:43.400 except that it becomes really clear, really quickly that Mr 0:23:43.480 --> 0:23:49.080 North has other interests. The first time that I really 0:23:49.240 --> 0:23:54.320 understood that my relationship with Mr North was not any 0:23:54.359 --> 0:23:59.679 other relationship with the teacher I had experienced before was 0:24:00.200 --> 0:24:03.240 right before Thanksgiving. So we had been meeting after school 0:24:03.320 --> 0:24:09.119 for about two maybe close to three months, and in 0:24:09.119 --> 0:24:13.359 the shop class where he was watching study hall, I 0:24:13.440 --> 0:24:16.439 was supposed to be in some class I don't remember 0:24:16.440 --> 0:24:20.080 what class. He would constantly write me hall passes to 0:24:20.119 --> 0:24:22.000 get me into, to get me to meet him in 0:24:22.000 --> 0:24:24.600 his study room, to be in his classroom when he's teaching, 0:24:25.440 --> 0:24:28.120 And looking back, I don't know how that went on 0:24:28.560 --> 0:24:32.240 as it did, because it's just perplexing how sort of 0:24:32.280 --> 0:24:34.480 other teachers would just be like, oh, she has a 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:37.360 pass from Mr North. It's fine. Looking back, that's very 0:24:37.400 --> 0:24:40.480 perplexing to me. But we were in a shop classroom 0:24:40.560 --> 0:24:43.920 and he wrote me this note, like we had been 0:24:43.920 --> 0:24:45.879 doing for the past few months. He began writing me 0:24:46.000 --> 0:24:48.520 notes in classes, but we were passing notes like we 0:24:48.520 --> 0:24:51.239 were two students, but he was a teacher. And he 0:24:51.320 --> 0:24:56.280 asked me what my brass eyes was and I sort 0:24:56.320 --> 0:25:00.679 of demurred and played coy and in he told me 0:25:00.720 --> 0:25:04.680 that he would trade my BRA's eyes for how big 0:25:04.840 --> 0:25:11.879 his penis was. And that really was the first moment 0:25:12.119 --> 0:25:17.240 where I was like, oh, this really is something else, 0:25:18.800 --> 0:25:25.639 which looking back, I mean, that is shockingly obvious, But 0:25:26.200 --> 0:25:29.120 there had been a lot of more subtle signs. I mean, 0:25:29.160 --> 0:25:31.200 looking back, there not even subtle. But at the time, 0:25:32.200 --> 0:25:34.479 I really, I mean I was seventeen, I thought I 0:25:34.520 --> 0:25:36.760 was in love, as in love as any seventeen year 0:25:36.760 --> 0:25:39.640 old could be. I had the biggest crush on him, 0:25:39.680 --> 0:25:43.080