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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her.

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Speaker 2: Space, everybody now starts talking shit about this particular friend. Right,

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Speaker 2: are you going to be the friend who joins in

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Speaker 2: on the talking shit? And if you are, that's a

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Speaker 2: sign to kind of step back, and you all have

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Speaker 2: to assess why are we talking about this person?

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Speaker 1: What's the context? Right?

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Speaker 2: Is what we're talking about something that maybe we need

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Speaker 2: to call that person in to kind of have a

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Speaker 2: conversation with them about it. Or is it that maybe

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Speaker 2: we don't need to be friends with this person if

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Speaker 2: we're clearly all not agreeing with what they're doing.

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Speaker 1: For sure, today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Bussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 1: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 1: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 1: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 1: black women can just be.

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Speaker 4: Hey, lady, it's Terry here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

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Speaker 4: I'm hosting a free podcasting ask her class Roere. I'm

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Speaker 4: going to teach you how to create your impactful podcast

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Speaker 4: and how you can generate multiple streams of income. You

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Speaker 4: can visit podcast with Terry dot com to register for free.

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Speaker 4: I hope to see you there.

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Speaker 1: Our quote of the day.

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Speaker 2: My girls they make me smile a little brighter, make

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Speaker 2: me laugh a little louder, and make me live a

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Speaker 2: little better. I'm gonna say that one more time to

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Speaker 2: get us set in our space today. My girls they

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Speaker 2: make me smile a little brighter, they make me laugh

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Speaker 2: a little louder, and they make me live a little better.

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Speaker 2: See your girls, your girls?

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Speaker 1: Well, let me just say, lady, if you are new

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Speaker 1: to the podcast, Domini are in person. We have not

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Speaker 1: been in person in the very long time time. And

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Speaker 1: you may or may not have heard us say this

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Speaker 1: in our last episode, but we're both recording. Dom came

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Speaker 1: up to San Francisco to visit me in person so

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Speaker 1: we can do some business stuff. And even though she's

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Speaker 1: only been here for like what two days, at this point,

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Speaker 1: we've had so much fun. It has definitely filled my cup.

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Speaker 1: And when you were reading this quote, I was just

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Speaker 1: thinking about, Yeah, we definitely have left a lot right

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Speaker 1: before this video we had we had some moments with

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Speaker 1: snapchat filters and just being silly, and there are just

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Speaker 1: so many times when I am with my girlfriends, we're

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Speaker 1: hanging out, we're catching up, and I realized how important

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Speaker 1: that is. Yes, a lot of times it's after the fact,

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Speaker 1: you know how sometimes you just go long periods of

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Speaker 1: not being together like we have done because of work

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Speaker 1: and life, and then you hang out and you're like,

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Speaker 1: I need more of that. There's nothing like that girlfriend's

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Speaker 1: link up? What about you?

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Speaker 2: Yes, you know I was feeling that too, right, And

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Speaker 2: I think this episode, like, so, lady, if you're watching

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Speaker 2: us on video, there's a quick moment that was occurring

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Speaker 2: on the video that will let you know it kind

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Speaker 2: of also kind of sets the groundwork for this episode, right,

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Speaker 2: Like I literally we're recording in person, and literally I

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Speaker 2: had some lipstick on my teeth. If you're watching a video,

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Speaker 2: you're about to see me do all the things to

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Speaker 2: like check the tea, like you're getting a cup up

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Speaker 2: close to my teeth, like and Terry motioned to me

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Speaker 2: to like lick my teeth because my lipstick was on

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Speaker 2: my teeth.

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Speaker 1: That's when you know that's your girl, exactly right, exactly.

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Speaker 2: Like to let you know, girl, you got some lipstick

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Speaker 2: on your teeth, or to let you know you got

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Speaker 2: some friends hanging from your nose, right, And.

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Speaker 1: So I think that I.

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Speaker 2: Think that that's that's a good grounding for and we

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Speaker 2: can laugh about.

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Speaker 1: It, right, yes, like what you're trying to say, it's

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Speaker 1: not like you're defensive. It's just like girlfriend, you know,

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Speaker 1: like thank you girl. Like I immediately like I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, let me fix it.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: That's what this conversation is about today. Before we jump

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Speaker 1: into our girl cold and just cover these different situations

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Speaker 1: and like share our perspectives, I want to share a

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Speaker 1: quick story of years ago when Don was like extremely

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Speaker 1: honest with me about something and I really appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you'll remember. I didn't even share

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Speaker 1: this with her before we started, but years ago, it's

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Speaker 1: so funny to me. So years ago, we had did

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Speaker 1: a giveaway on our podcast and I was given away

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Speaker 1: my Vera wing wedding dress to commemorate my grandmother's life

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Speaker 1: because we were super close and she passed away, and

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Speaker 1: so we were creating all this content for that, and

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Speaker 1: I remember sharing Don I had like this one picture

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Speaker 1: of me and my grandmother from my wedding day, and

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Speaker 1: the other ones they just weren't suitable because it's like

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Speaker 1: the lighting or whatever. So I found this one picture.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't the best picture because it just wasn't the

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Speaker 1: best picture. I'll tell you in a minute why. But

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Speaker 1: I sent it to Don. I'm like, I'm thinking about

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Speaker 1: using this picture, and she said this is We were

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Speaker 1: still a building our relationship at this point, but she

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Speaker 1: said it so kindly and so sweet, and she was

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Speaker 1: just like, do you have another picture that you could use?

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Speaker 1: And that was hint for buddhas ain't the one? She

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Speaker 1: was like, it doesn't really look like you're like smiling

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Speaker 1: in the picture, Like it's not really genuine. I remember

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Speaker 1: I can visualize the picture, and basically the sun was

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Speaker 1: in my face, so I was kind of squinting, and

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Speaker 1: I look, you gotta be on Patreon to see the video.

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Speaker 1: But I was like like that, it was just something.

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Speaker 1: It was like a weird smile going on. My grandmother

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Speaker 1: looked good. It wasn't your Yeah, you wasn't your best, right,

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Speaker 1: And because that was the only picture where you could

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Speaker 1: really see the dress, that's what it was. It was

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Speaker 1: the only picture where you could see the dress really well.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to use it, but don was so kind

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Speaker 1: enough not to set me up like that because I

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Speaker 1: was just like, oh, I'm just gonna do it. But

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Speaker 1: it did look a hot mess, Like I did not

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Speaker 1: look really good in the picture, And so she said

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Speaker 1: it in a way where it was like, girl, you

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Speaker 1: got my back. I appreciate that cause she should. She

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Speaker 1: could have just been like, oh, yea, I'm gonna let

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Speaker 1: her look a hot mess to post this picture. She

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Speaker 1: didn't have anything to do with it, but she looked

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Speaker 1: out for me. So that's kind of what we want

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Speaker 1: to talk about today. You remember that, Okay, So let's

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Speaker 1: talk about the first thing here. The first topic, I

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Speaker 1: guess what cover is speaking or acknowledging the presence of

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Speaker 1: another black woman one appropriate, of course. And I know

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Speaker 1: for me, don when I think about this at this

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Speaker 1: big age and where I am in my life, when

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Speaker 1: I see other black women at conferences or on the street,

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Speaker 1: my vibe is always to my intentions and vibe is

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Speaker 1: always to be pure and supportive, like whatever this black

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Speaker 1: in insten is doing, I'm walking down the street just

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Speaker 1: to at least give a look like, hey, girl, I

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Speaker 1: see the head, not right like I'm black, you black,

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Speaker 1: I see you. We end this together, right, or at

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Speaker 1: a conference, you know, seeing other black women, the vibe

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Speaker 1: is always to it's never to be nasty or to

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Speaker 1: hate or be envious, even if she look bombed and

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Speaker 1: I'm looking busted that day, like damn said, you look good,

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Speaker 1: like just giving compliments, being complimentary, so oh okay, I

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Speaker 1: see you. Okay, I even know that person's name.

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Speaker 2: But yes, we are calling out in acknowledging the thing

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Speaker 2: that we're wanting to compliment, right, like just that level

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Speaker 2: of I see you. Because we are in spaces where

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Speaker 2: so often we aren't seen, yeah, or our presence is

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Speaker 2: there's a lot of negativity associated with our presence, and

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Speaker 2: so to see another black woman that you know, I

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Speaker 2: don't need to know your story. I just want you

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Speaker 2: to know that I see you, like I feel like

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Speaker 2: I saw this on Twitter.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully the person who wrote this on Twitter doesn't listen

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Speaker 1: to the podcasts. I may butcher it, but basically, there

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Speaker 1: was a black woman saying how she saw or she

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Speaker 1: had worn this like cream turtleneck sweater or something somewhere,

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Speaker 1: and there was another black person in the same space

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Speaker 1: and they were like, Okay, Carl Thomas, I see you,

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Speaker 1: and like they knew exactly who know exactly? Like you

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Speaker 1: just know, we know our we know our people, you know.

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Speaker 1: So that's I think that's important to speak or at

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Speaker 1: least acknowledge the presence of another black woman wherever you

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Speaker 1: see them. The next one we kind of cover this is,

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Speaker 1: oh no, we didn't posting bad pics because only you

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Speaker 1: look good and them. So like, if me and Dom

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Speaker 1: take a picture. We've done photo shoots together, right, we

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Speaker 1: have we have experiences, and we've done a photo shoot

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Speaker 1: and there's a picturehere. I'm like, oh, I looks so

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Speaker 1: cute here, and maybe Dom doesn't like the way that

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Speaker 1: she looks in the picture or it's just not the

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Speaker 1: best angle, or maybe she blinked or something. And then

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Speaker 1: I go and post the picture anyway just because I

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Speaker 1: look cute, but maybe Dom didn't or vice versa. Right,

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Speaker 1: but Don looks bomb in the picture and I'm looking

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Speaker 1: weird and she posts it anyway. That's kind of that's

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Speaker 1: kind of fine. I think that that violates girl code

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Speaker 1: in my opinions, it does. You can cross somebody out.

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Speaker 1: It's fine with that is.

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Speaker 2: I think that's the thing that like, as women, that's

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Speaker 2: something that we know to do for each other, right

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Speaker 2: to check in to be like, so all right, I'm

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Speaker 2: getting ready of I want to post this photo that

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Speaker 2: you're in. What do you think? And if you don't

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Speaker 2: give permission? And I really want to post my half

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Speaker 2: of this photo.

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Speaker 1: This half right here is just gonna get cut out

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Speaker 1: so that we could see all this right here, right.

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Speaker 2: But I recognize too that, like I have a guy

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Speaker 2: friend who is notorious for not paying attention to all

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Speaker 2: of that. Yes, and it's not intentional, he just isn't.

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Speaker 2: He sees himself, he sees he looks good, and he

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Speaker 2: posted and then we have to.

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Speaker 1: Call him in. Take that mother for real, Okay, crop

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Speaker 1: us out, yes, please exactly, it's all good. Exactly, you

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Speaker 1: can have your you do look you're cute? Cute? Bo

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Speaker 1: are you cute? Okay, we not exactly take the rest

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Speaker 1: of us photoshop us out, crop us out, come on,

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Speaker 1: but I remember doing that with the photo shoot pictures,

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Speaker 1: were like what do you think about this when we

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Speaker 1: have like a file of like approved pictures, because you

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Speaker 1: want to make sure you look me at best. On

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Speaker 1: social media people can be you know, opinionated and all that.

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Speaker 1: So this next one is my favorite, or that's the

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Speaker 1: previous one. This next one is my favorite. This is

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Speaker 1: aligning on outfits. So we do this often, Like I

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Speaker 1: guess this was pretty much all my girls. I remember recently,

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Speaker 1: I was we were going over one of my homegirl's

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Speaker 1: house for a playdate. Shout out to Amelia, hey girl,

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Speaker 1: we were doing a playdate. And I remember texting her like,

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Speaker 1: hey girl, like what do you wear? Just like to

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Speaker 1: get more information, like what are you wearing? So I

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Speaker 1: know what to how to dress be cause I don't

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Speaker 1: want to be yeah, what's the vibe? Because I don't

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be that friend where I'm busted down.

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean, Like I got my shit on,

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Speaker 1: I'm looking boom, and then everybody else got on sweats

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Speaker 1: and now I'm the one that you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: I want to a picture exactly. So Domina text about

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Speaker 1: that throughout the whole trip. It's like, all right, girl,

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Speaker 1: what you're wearing. Here's what I'm gonna wear her. This

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Speaker 1: is my look. I'm gonna put a little bit of

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Speaker 1: makeup on. I'm a dress up. And if your friend

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Speaker 1: don't have her stuff or something like that, it's like,

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Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna dress down too.

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Speaker 2: Because I legit text before, like before I came out here,

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Speaker 2: so exactly what's our plan?

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Speaker 1: Because I need to know what to pack? Like, so

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Speaker 1: we have.

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Speaker 2: These conversations so that we're all on the same wavelength.

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Speaker 2: Now that doesn't mean that we're out here twining, no,

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Speaker 2: because that's not my vibe.

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Speaker 1: Yes, but.

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Speaker 2: That one no vibe with no girls like then at

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Speaker 2: least like everybody be on the same page.

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Speaker 1: Yes.

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Speaker 2: And I think also to recognizing that within that that

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Speaker 2: you know your you know your girls. You know, some

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Speaker 2: of us have that friend that is always going to

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Speaker 2: be extra. So if we say today is just a

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Speaker 2: sweats kind of day. They still gonna be head to

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Speaker 2: toe fly.

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Speaker 1: And only coordinated in their sweats exactly.

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Speaker 2: And that's cool, That's totally cool. That's just not the

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Speaker 2: vibe the rest of us is on. And at least

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Speaker 2: we at least they knew to be in their sweats

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Speaker 2: exactly and not they five and chelles.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, no, that makes sense. I feel like I

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Speaker 1: was gonna say something else about this topic and I

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Speaker 1: can't remember, so maybe we'll just dive into the next one, yes,

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Speaker 1: which is vetting selfies or just pictures and things in general.

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Speaker 1: I feel like just having a friend that you can text, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: what do you think about this picture? I'm gonna post

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Speaker 1: this picture like I usually do that with my best friend,

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Speaker 1: like where I'm like, what do you think about this shot?

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Speaker 1: Post this one or this one, and then we'll like

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Speaker 1: analyze each other's pictures and we'll do it, you know,

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Speaker 1: do it for I don't know about that one, just

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Speaker 1: to you know, because sometimes they may see something that

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Speaker 1: you don't see. And I think being honest and real,

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Speaker 1: I remember what I was gonna say is important. But

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Speaker 1: I think some of these dom as we're going through

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Speaker 1: this list, I feel like this is a list for

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Speaker 1: confident women, because I remember a time in life when

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Speaker 1: I may not have been as secure. So if maybe

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Speaker 1: I wanted to maybe I was going out with friends

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to be the one who appeared to

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Speaker 1: be more stylish or look better because of whatever I

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Speaker 1: was struggling with internally, So I didn't want to let

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Speaker 1: you know, like, hey, I'm addressed this way, you know.

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Speaker 1: So I think that's something to point out too. I

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Speaker 1: think that is a good point. And so I think

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Speaker 1: that takes us to this next one, right, not being

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Speaker 1: too friendly with your homegirls partner, all right? What that's tricky.

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Speaker 2: It is that the context, Yes, context needs to be right, right,

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Speaker 2: So how are we defining too friendly?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: For me, I think it's knowing your friend, knowing having

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Speaker 2: some knowledge of their partner, right, and understanding everybody's rules

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Speaker 2: of engagement, Yes, right, Like I know people, I have

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Speaker 2: lots of friends who are huggers. Like that is we hug? Right,

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Speaker 2: That's what we do right when we greet each other,

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Speaker 2: it's a it's a hug, and it's not that little

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Speaker 2: friendly church.

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Speaker 1: Being hug.

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Speaker 2: If I know how you and your partner tend to

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Speaker 2: generally interact right, and what boundaries are there between you

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Speaker 2: and your partner. That's generally how I'm going to engage.

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Speaker 1: And I'm also going.

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Speaker 2: To let my friend take the lead on how I

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Speaker 2: should engage with their partner.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that is a good point. I would agree with

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Speaker 1: that one hundred percent. I thought about you know how

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Speaker 1: back in the day when older I feel like are older,

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Speaker 1: like the elders would be like, oh, you're being fresh.

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Speaker 1: When I think of friendly, I think being friendly is important.

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Speaker 1: Unity to be friendly. You don't want to be naughty,

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Speaker 1: be geat cordial to everybody. But I'm thinking about those

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Speaker 1: moments like being fresh. And I have a couple of examples.

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Speaker 1: So one I had a girlfriend who she said that

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Speaker 1: her and her husband would hang out with one of

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Speaker 1: his old friends and she will always have her titties

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Speaker 1: out like she would they would literally go and she

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Speaker 1: would also want to sit next to the husband at

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Speaker 1: the when they were doing a little like you know,

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Speaker 1: party of three, lunch or dinner, and she will always like,

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Speaker 1: you really went above and beyond with your outfit and

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Speaker 1: now get titties all just out and leave it. You know,

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Speaker 1: everything was just pushed up and you want to be

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Speaker 1: on his face that it was like that whole thing.

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Speaker 1: And then so boundaries aren't being boundaries aren't being respected.

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Speaker 1: And then I think the other thing is I remember recently,

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Speaker 1: you know, hanging out with a friend couple, and we

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Speaker 1: usually you know, we're usually a hugger, right, but I

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Speaker 1: wasn't going to be the one to initiate the hug

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Speaker 1: and it didn't happen. So I was like, I'm not

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Speaker 1: about to go hug her husband, like I'm cool, Like

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Speaker 1: there's no need for me to do that. If he

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Speaker 1: comes over and like, hey, says cool, but I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to be the one to initiate it because we're

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Speaker 1: not that familiar with one another, Like it's not that

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Speaker 1: type of we don't have a rapport outside of this setting,

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Speaker 1: and it felt weird to me. So I was just like, okay, cool,

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Speaker 1: like every there's no bad feelings. It was just like cool.

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Speaker 1: And I think I think my husband and her may

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Speaker 1: have even hugged, which is totally fine. It was like cool,

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Speaker 1: but her and me and her husband didn't. I was like,

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Speaker 1: cause you always. We went over to their place and

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Speaker 1: it was kind of like I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: put I don't want to put anyone else in awkward position,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not going to be the one to make

339
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Speaker 1: things like weird. So I think you hit the nail

340
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Speaker 1: on the head knowing the boundaries and knowing the dynamic

341
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Speaker 1: and whatever. You know, they sort of said, it's like okay, cool, yep.

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Speaker 2: So so then that takes us to the next one,

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Speaker 2: letting letting your friend know if they have something in

344
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Speaker 2: their teeth or like, so there's something generally like some

345
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Speaker 2: thing in their teeth, something on their teeth, the little

346
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Speaker 2: friend hanging out their nose, or something happening with their

347
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,320
Speaker 2: hair or their outfit. Essentially letting them know if there's

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Speaker 2: some type of appearance. We'll call it an appearance malfunction,

349
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Speaker 2: like that function I don't get.

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Speaker 1: To me.

351
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Speaker 2: That's a sign that you care, for sure. And I

352
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Speaker 2: get that sometimes because I know what I used to

353
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Speaker 2: in terms of like being more assertive and like or

354
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Speaker 2: saying something that might make somebody uncomfortable. I used to hesitate,

355
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Speaker 2: and I'm sure other people do on Like, well, how

356
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Speaker 2: do I say to you got something hanging from your no,

357
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Speaker 2: Like I don't want to let you know, how.

358
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Speaker 1: Do you do it?

359
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,000
Speaker 2: Like in a way that isn't going to embarrass you

360
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Speaker 2: or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: It depends on the setting, right, So it might be

363
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,800
Speaker 2: that I might lean over and tell them right like,

364
00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:04,400
Speaker 2: he got a little you know something, you know. Or

365
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:12,399
Speaker 2: it might be that I'll like directly saying bring them

366
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 2: a tissue and say you might want wipe you know, right,

367
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,320
Speaker 2: like so giving them some sort of clue like or

368
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,040
Speaker 2: heysis you got a little something unique, right, but finding

369
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,479
Speaker 2: some way to let them know for sure, or if

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00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:33,240
Speaker 2: it's something like with their clothes, I might Most of

371
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Speaker 2: the time, I'm actually as I'm saying this and really

372
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Speaker 2: thinking about like my mental going through my mental role

373
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:44,679
Speaker 2: decks and like thinking of actual scenarios. Oftentimes it's I

374
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Speaker 2: will go up and whisper in their ear what the

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Speaker 2: thing is if we're particularly if we're in a public cell.

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Speaker 2: If it's like like right now, like you and I

377
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Speaker 2: are just in this school by ourselves, like I ain't

378
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:55,359
Speaker 2: got a whisper shit.

379
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,360
Speaker 1: It's like right, and it's just exactly.

380
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Speaker 2: But if I'm in a public to help minimize their embarrassment,

381
00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:07,639
Speaker 2: I might whisper it to them for sure, right, Like

382
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:13,600
Speaker 2: I think about instances where maybe we were outside and

383
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,120
Speaker 2: we were sitting on the grass or whatever, and now

384
00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:20,199
Speaker 2: they have a stain on the back of their pants.

385
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,520
Speaker 2: If I have a jacket or if I have something,

386
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:25,480
Speaker 2: I might walk up to them and wrap it around

387
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,320
Speaker 2: their waists and say and whisper like, you got something

388
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:31,840
Speaker 2: on the back of your pants, Or I might say

389
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:33,919
Speaker 2: you got something on your back of your pants? Is

390
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,280
Speaker 2: it okay if I catch it for you? Or do

391
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 2: you want me to point it out? Like some kind

392
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,240
Speaker 2: of way to test their level of comfortable But essentially,

393
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,320
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna leave you just out there.

394
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,280
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let you know exactly. I like that. I

395
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,399
Speaker 1: think those are all great options. I usually kind of

396
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:50,840
Speaker 1: like what we did at the beginning of the episode.

397
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,760
Speaker 1: I'll usually motion I feel like that's easier is that

398
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,480
Speaker 1: it's saying it sometimes depending on who it is, because

399
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,280
Speaker 1: usually I would want to do that for anyone that

400
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,560
Speaker 1: I noticed it with. So if it's like a boogiet,

401
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,679
Speaker 1: I just sometimes if you just go like this, the

402
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,160
Speaker 1: person will also. So like we were talking, I didn't

403
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,760
Speaker 1: even have to break conversation. If you are watching on Patreon,

404
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,600
Speaker 1: you'll notice I just put my own tongue over my

405
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,119
Speaker 1: teeth and it was like and then Dom caught on

406
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,760
Speaker 1: and then you know, you talked about that in the

407
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,919
Speaker 1: episode which you heard, so I think that could be

408
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,040
Speaker 1: helpful as well. And that takes us to the next one,

409
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,040
Speaker 1: which is if a fellow lady requires feminine products and

410
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:28,000
Speaker 1: you have one to spare, share it. Yeah, that starts

411
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:28,680
Speaker 1: a common person.

412
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't even think we need to dive into

413
00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:37,320
Speaker 2: a story about right, help us a style. Right, So

414
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:42,320
Speaker 2: then our next one, this is old school. I mean

415
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,879
Speaker 2: people still, people still do this, but people, there's a

416
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 2: lot of people who won't do this, and I'm so

417
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:53,480
Speaker 2: surprised when I am personally surprised when they don't. You

418
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,600
Speaker 2: wait until your friend is in the house before you

419
00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:01,760
Speaker 2: drive away, for sure. Now, maybe this is something that

420
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,800
Speaker 2: we might need to look up, like to find out,

421
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 2: like where the origins of them?

422
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,240
Speaker 1: Know is that it's a safety issue out here in

423
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,920
Speaker 1: these streets. Yes, And.

424
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,440
Speaker 2: I don't care and I and honestly, what I'll say

425
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,040
Speaker 2: is that it doesn't even matter who the gen what

426
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:20,359
Speaker 2: the gender is of the front. Right, I'm dropping a

427
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,040
Speaker 2: friend off at home or whatever, dropping somebody off to

428
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 2: their destination, I am making sure that they get inside

429
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,720
Speaker 2: before I drive away. Absolutely, like and if they're in

430
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 2: a situation where they live inside, like they got to

431
00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 2: go through a gate, Like they live in an apartment

432
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:39,679
Speaker 2: building where they got to go through a gate and

433
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 2: I can't see the door that they need to get into.

434
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 2: To know they're safe, I say, text me once you're inside,

435
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 2: that way, I know that you are safe exactly to me,

436
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,040
Speaker 2: And again maybe doing some research on the origins of that,

437
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,760
Speaker 2: but to me, it's a safety issue for sure.

438
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,360
Speaker 1: Yeahel like we were raised to do that. I said

439
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 1: it was old school because I feel like growing up,

440
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:06,960
Speaker 1: I saw my grandparents and my parents do that. We

441
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,680
Speaker 1: would always do it for friends and I would drop

442
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,800
Speaker 1: them off, and so I grew up just seeing that

443
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,480
Speaker 1: being a reality and knowing that, oh, it's important to

444
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,359
Speaker 1: make sure that someone gets in safely. So I thought

445
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,520
Speaker 1: that was kind of consense. But I think with this

446
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,600
Speaker 1: new generation and with the increase of these ride sharing apps,

447
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,920
Speaker 1: we're not used to people doing it usually like when

448
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 1: we take a.

449
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,480
Speaker 2: Lyft and or an uber and but you know, you

450
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 2: know what, what I actually pay attention to whether or

451
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:37,160
Speaker 2: not my ride share driver.

452
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 1: Waits for me to get inside. Have you had one

453
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:42,959
Speaker 1: do it? Because I'm thinking about it. Now, I've actually

454
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:46,560
Speaker 1: had one maybe more, but I that happened recently, so

455
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:50,359
Speaker 1: you've noticed that, Yep, interesting, I have.

456
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:56,440
Speaker 2: Actually there's been a couple of times where and as

457
00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:02,400
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about it, it's usually an older black man,

458
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 2: uh that, and he will explicitly say, I'm going to

459
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:12,680
Speaker 2: wait until you get inside.

460
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:16,480
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, I love that. Yeah that's dope.

461
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,919
Speaker 2: Like I And that made me, I think, the first

462
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,280
Speaker 2: time it happened, it made me start to pay attention

463
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:28,960
Speaker 2: to what other drivers are doing. And then what I've

464
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:34,160
Speaker 2: also had is older black women. Now that I'm thinking

465
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,800
Speaker 2: about it, older black women kind of do the same thing,

466
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 2: and they'll kind of maybe strike up conversation, especially because

467
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:44,640
Speaker 2: if I'm by myself, they'll kind of strike up conversation

468
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,679
Speaker 2: about where I'm going to, like kind of and you

469
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:53,040
Speaker 2: could tell that it's not them being nosy, but it's

470
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:59,680
Speaker 2: more so about them wanting to make sure that I'm

471
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 2: like safety, like taking sure that I'm being safe about

472
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:03,360
Speaker 2: where I'm going.

473
00:25:05,119 --> 00:25:08,320
Speaker 1: I love that for us. Okay, among black people, the

474
00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:12,240
Speaker 1: next one is never go after your friend's crush or X.

475
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,439
Speaker 1: And I feel like what kind of goes hand in

476
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,720
Speaker 1: hand with this is like their close friend or their

477
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,240
Speaker 1: sibling or something like that without at least having a conversation.

478
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,879
Speaker 1: I think this is also one of those ones that's contextual.

479
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,400
Speaker 1: It all depends on the scenario. And again going back

480
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,360
Speaker 1: to what we said earlier. I think we said it earlier.

481
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,480
Speaker 1: Check in with your friends to see how they would

482
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,320
Speaker 1: want you to respond to some of these situations, just

483
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: so you know, because if you have an ex and

484
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 1: you're like, girl by, I don't get I literally don't care,

485
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,720
Speaker 1: or I don't like, go ahead have fun, right, then

486
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,119
Speaker 1: it's like okay. If that's if you get permission from

487
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 1: your friend and your friend doesn't think it's weird or

488
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,639
Speaker 1: anything like that, that's what you feel led to do,

489
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:47,880
Speaker 1: then do you.

490
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,320
Speaker 2: Here's the thing, it's I think it's really important, like

491
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,000
Speaker 2: you said about having the conversation to understand where your

492
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,119
Speaker 2: friend stands on it, because every friend is different, and

493
00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 2: every friend has different and each relationship is differ.

494
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:00,920
Speaker 1: So even if.

495
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:05,240
Speaker 2: Your friend might have said, you know that crush that

496
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,959
Speaker 2: I had in high school, that was you know, that

497
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 2: was my crush, Like you know that was I was?

498
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 2: I had it bad for this church life, David. So

499
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 2: if we fast forward twenty plus years. You see him

500
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 2: in the streets or on the app or wherever you

501
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 2: meet him, and you like, damn, that's who I ran

502
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 2: into and he wants to take me out now, keeping it,

503
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 2: keeping it real, Like, it depends on where I'm at

504
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,080
Speaker 2: in life how I respond, which is why it's important

505
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:49,919
Speaker 2: to check in, right, yeah, Because if I'm in a

506
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,479
Speaker 2: good space in life and I'm in a relationship and

507
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,920
Speaker 2: I'm happy and things are good for me, more than

508
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 2: likely I'm gonna say I might have that split second

509
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 2: light d like that nostalgia, yes, yes, and then put

510
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 2: my higher self, my real self in that moment because

511
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:11,560
Speaker 2: I'm in a good space, my real self, Like, I'm

512
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,680
Speaker 2: gonna say, girl, go ahead, and you got to let

513
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 2: me know how that is, because you know I've been wondering,

514
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,480
Speaker 2: you know, I want to know, like, you got to

515
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,800
Speaker 2: let me know, right Yeah, Yeah, I'm gonna be happy

516
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,719
Speaker 2: for you exactly, And I'm gonna want to live by

517
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 2: cares because we know that I used to like dude,

518
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 2: right exactly. If I'm not in a good space, it

519
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,960
Speaker 2: might be a different story. Even though it's so far,

520
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,000
Speaker 2: you know, it's so far, We're so far removed from

521
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 2: the experience of high school, right, you might still have

522
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 2: some emotional or energetic ties to that nostalgic relationship, so

523
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:44,920
Speaker 2: it is important to check in. You never now, that's

524
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 2: a good point. And then also siblings and friends, right,

525
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,639
Speaker 2: Like if someone was like, I want to talk to

526
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 2: your sibling, you would want to know, like you want

527
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,440
Speaker 2: to have your friend ask you, you know, right, yeah.

528
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that. I think the key is checking in,

529
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,360
Speaker 1: checking in, all right, y'all. Now the next one here

530
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:06,360
Speaker 1: is if you arrive together, you leave together. Now there's

531
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 1: another asterisk next to this one. Okay, because if we

532
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 1: out she and we at the club and we having

533
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 1: good time, and your friend see somebody that she's vibing

534
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 1: with and she's like, I'm trying to get that dick tonight.

535
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:21,639
Speaker 1: I'm just saying it heads And you don't want to

536
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:24,280
Speaker 1: be cock blocking and be like, no, girl, we came

537
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,720
Speaker 1: here together, we need to go together. She might be like, no, boot,

538
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,639
Speaker 1: I got plans tonight, like if she feels safe and

539
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 1: comfortable exactly, So I think gaging the situation. But also,

540
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,000
Speaker 1: this might be a fun game to have to kind

541
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 1: of like, you can make this episode a game, right,

542
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 1: talk to your friends about each of the scenarios, like, Okay,

543
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: what would you want me to do in the situation?

544
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,880
Speaker 1: What would I do? What would I want you to do?

545
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Right, so you can kind

546
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 2: of because I think the thing too also depends on

547
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 2: the level of friendship, which is important, and where you're

548
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 2: going and what you're doing.

549
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, because I know.

550
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 2: Some people are like nah, arriving by myself, because I

551
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:07,640
Speaker 2: know y'all like to stay and hang and I have

552
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 2: a bedtime. I have my boundary right of my bedtime.

553
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 2: So it's not even about me meeting somebody and going

554
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 2: home with somebody. Is I know that I'm gonna want

555
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 2: to leave at a certain time. I'm not trying to

556
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,640
Speaker 2: mess up anybody else it's fun, or have other people

557
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,280
Speaker 2: not respect my boundaries of wanting to leave.

558
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: So I'm going to drive myself.

559
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 2: I will meet y'all there exactly, still have a bond

560
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 2: time and when I'm ready to roll out.

561
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 1: I feel like this is also one of those like

562
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 1: high school or like maybe college, sort of girl code codes.

563
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,480
Speaker 1: I guess when you go out together in that setting,

564
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: it can be a little different, especially when alcohol is involved.

565
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 1: But now with us being grown, we at these big ages,

566
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,000
Speaker 1: we got cars and independence. It's a little different now.

567
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 1: The next one kind of leads into what it's kind

568
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: of a where's where I'm looking for, y'all. It's related

569
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 1: to it's related to the past. One rescue your homegirl

570
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:08,480
Speaker 1: if you see her being annoyed by a creepy guy.

571
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 1: Now we all know how it is when you're out

572
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 1: and about and somebody's trying to get your attention and

573
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,080
Speaker 1: you're like, I am not interested at all. Please save

574
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,960
Speaker 1: me somebody, And if you see your homegirl, go help

575
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 1: us us out right.

576
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:28,600
Speaker 2: Like again, it's about communication, having this conversation before you

577
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 2: all go out here, like what's the code? Yes, And

578
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:35,920
Speaker 2: usually it's a look if I blink three times mm hmm,

579
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 2: then that means this is not this is not what's up?

580
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:44,640
Speaker 2: I need some help mm hmm. Having that conversation ahead

581
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 2: of time.

582
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 1: So that's so all right, Terry blinking her eyes sometimes

583
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:51,480
Speaker 1: it's very.

584
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 2: Kind of go and save her if we're not gonna

585
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 2: leave her out here with this guy. But then also

586
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 2: I think that's the thing too, is paying attention to

587
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 2: your friends, right, Yeah, So that when in general being

588
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 2: safe because like, on a serious tip, I think about

589
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 2: recently the stories in the news about these young women

590
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:17,840
Speaker 2: who have been going on vacation with these supposed friends

591
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:23,080
Speaker 2: and end up getting killed, and that it hurts my

592
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:27,479
Speaker 2: heart because and it also makes me wonder what is

593
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 2: happening in these friendships aretically really your friends, because they

594
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:37,560
Speaker 2: are clearly violating friendship code here.

595
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:42,400
Speaker 1: For sure, yep, yep, I would agree, I would agree. Now,

596
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,560
Speaker 1: our next one is one that comes with a big

597
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:51,000
Speaker 1: ass asterisk. Okay, tell your homegirl if her man is

598
00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:54,160
Speaker 1: cheating on her. Now, I think this comes with an

599
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:59,360
Speaker 1: asterisk because one, people have various arrangements these days. You

600
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,720
Speaker 1: don't know what someone is okay with within the balance

601
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 1: of their relationship, right, and so you don't want to

602
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 1: be the person that goes to say something thinking that

603
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 1: you're doing the right thing and your friend is like, yeah,

604
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:15,160
Speaker 1: I know he has a girlfriend, okay, Like okay, or

605
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 1: she has a hunch that he's cheating or they're cheating,

606
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,440
Speaker 1: but she's not ready to accept it and she's not

607
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:25,719
Speaker 1: ready to take action on it, and you say something

608
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 1: and it disrupts her whole fantasy world of pretending that

609
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: she doesn't know, like there's so many different outcomes that

610
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,280
Speaker 1: you could have, So I think this is an important

611
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,560
Speaker 1: one that you should definitely ask your friends, Like, girl,

612
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,800
Speaker 1: you if I see some shit that out of pocket,

613
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,720
Speaker 1: do I let you know? Right?

614
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 2: Yeah?

615
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 1: No, I think that's real.

616
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, because there are and knowing your friends right, and

617
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:53,120
Speaker 2: also be mindful of what it is that you are

618
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,520
Speaker 2: actually observing. And now don't go out here being a

619
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,479
Speaker 2: whole detective out here. That's not your role. Inspector, Gadget,

620
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:04,560
Speaker 2: that's not your thing. But be sure before you go

621
00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:11,120
Speaker 2: and have the conversation right, like have like receipts, like

622
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 2: I'm not talking about again. We don't need to be inspected,

623
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 2: gadget out here in the bushes snapping fish.

624
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 1: We don't need to be PI. Okay, we're not.

625
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:24,320
Speaker 2: We're not trying to be tm Z. But if you're

626
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 2: out and it's clear, and I mean clear, meaning he is,

627
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,400
Speaker 2: We're just gonna use an example of a heterosexual relationship.

628
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 2: Your friend's man is walking down the street with his

629
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 2: hands around the waist of a whole other woman that's

630
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 2: not you. You walking behind them, and then all of

631
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:50,960
Speaker 2: a sudden you see him lean over and give for

632
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:52,720
Speaker 2: our kiss and it's like a little kiss on the

633
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 2: cheek that you might give your grandma.

634
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 1: Hung dam white. Obviously that's something going on.

635
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, I want to snap picture, I'll get a

636
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:08,520
Speaker 2: video whatever and shared with your friends. But if you

637
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:17,560
Speaker 2: see your friend's partner having lunch with someone else, everybody

638
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:21,640
Speaker 2: goes to lunch these days, we don't You don't know

639
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 2: for sure who this person is. It might not be

640
00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 2: your place to say. But coming back to the communication,

641
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:35,239
Speaker 2: of having these conversations with your friends ahead of.

642
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,719
Speaker 1: Time, of.

643
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:42,760
Speaker 2: When it's not even an issue, just having these general

644
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 2: conversations of what are the things that you like, where

645
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:49,000
Speaker 2: do you stand, what are the things that you need

646
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:53,040
Speaker 2: to know so that I know what to communicate with you.

647
00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:00,280
Speaker 2: So then that takes us to our next one, defend

648
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:06,840
Speaker 2: your friends in their absence. If you're not ready to

649
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 2: defend your friend, is that your friend?

650
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 1: Is that your friend? Yeah, that's a tough one. I'm

651
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 1: thinking about different scenarios of like if you're okay, pretty wild,

652
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 1: but like let's say you're at like an event and

653
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:30,600
Speaker 1: there are a bunch of people around, right, and then

654
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:33,279
Speaker 1: all of a sudden they started talking about that stink ass.

655
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:37,799
Speaker 1: So Terry Low Max from the Culture Space podcast. And

656
00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 1: so you're there by yourself and they talk and shit.

657
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:44,280
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes, especially okay, we're using our tools

658
00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 1: from the last episode, right, like you're assessing the situation,

659
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:52,520
Speaker 1: and I think sometimes removing yourself from the scenario altogether.

660
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:54,719
Speaker 1: It's just like okay, oh that's what they want, Okay,

661
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:56,759
Speaker 1: I'm about to go dip versus like making a big

662
00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 1: scene like no, she ain't stink only sometimes or whatever

663
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:04,120
Speaker 1: You'm like on Wednesday, that we might say, like.

664
00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 2: It might be it might be safer to remove yourself

665
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,160
Speaker 2: a moment, right, Or.

666
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:17,759
Speaker 1: Let's say that it's your coworkers, okay, right, okay, And

667
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:21,680
Speaker 1: so we're at an even and it's your coworkers talking shit. Yeah,

668
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:29,680
Speaker 1: and they don't know that I know you personally. I

669
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 1: might stick around and keep quiet, get.

670
00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:37,759
Speaker 2: The intel and bring it back to you so that

671
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:40,840
Speaker 2: you are aware of what's being said about you behind

672
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 2: your back. Right now, I think about our younger women

673
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 2: who are listening, because this is this is more typical,

674
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 2: not that it doesn't happen at any age, yes, but

675
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,759
Speaker 2: it's more typical for our younger women who are like

676
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,480
Speaker 2: inner twenties in college, maybe even a few of our

677
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:05,720
Speaker 2: if we have any high school listeners, right that if

678
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:11,600
Speaker 2: someone is talking about your friend, stand up for them

679
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 2: in that moment, right, and also be mindful, because what

680
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,360
Speaker 2: I tend to see is, like with the college age population,

681
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:27,640
Speaker 2: is that it's a group of folks sitting around exactly

682
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 2: group of friends sitting around that one friend is off

683
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:34,840
Speaker 2: doing something else, right, not even it doesn't even have

684
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,799
Speaker 2: to be anything major, but they're off doing something else,

685
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:47,200
Speaker 2: and everybody now starts talking shit about this particular friend. Right,

686
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,879
Speaker 2: are you going to be the friend who joins in

687
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:56,080
Speaker 2: on the talking shit? And if you are, that's a

688
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,200
Speaker 2: sign to kind of step back, and you all have

689
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,880
Speaker 2: to assess why why are we talking about this person?

690
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:03,840
Speaker 1: What's the context?

691
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:08,399
Speaker 2: Right? Is what we're talking about something that maybe we

692
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 2: need to call that person in to kind of have

693
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 2: a conversation with them about it, right? Or is it

694
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,520
Speaker 2: that maybe we don't need to be friends with this

695
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:23,240
Speaker 2: person if we're clearly all not agreeing with what they're doing?

696
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:27,720
Speaker 1: For sure? Yeah? I like that. That's a very good

697
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,120
Speaker 1: tip there, Dome. And that takes us to our next one,

698
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:37,400
Speaker 1: which is always keep their secrets, like seriously, Okay, because

699
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: who's all there telling secrets? Y'all? Come on now, I

700
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 1: will tell you that I am the vault. There are

701
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,840
Speaker 1: many secrets that I have, many secrets for many people

702
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,480
Speaker 1: that I have not said a word about. I'm taking

703
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:51,200
Speaker 1: them to the grades. And that's just that's just what

704
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: I do. That's just that, on that, that's just that

705
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: on that, and that's one period poop.

706
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:02,200
Speaker 2: Keep them secrets, because that's the thing. How are you

707
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 2: going to be a trusted friend if the things that

708
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:12,239
Speaker 2: they are saying that they and particularly the things that

709
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,279
Speaker 2: they have explicitly said.

710
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:17,920
Speaker 1: Don't tell nobody, tell nobody. Don't tell nobody.

711
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:23,240
Speaker 2: When someone says don't tell nobody, here's a rule of thumb.

712
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:33,720
Speaker 2: If someone says don't tell nobody, before they even tell you,

713
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 2: you make the decision. Are you willing to keep this

714
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 2: a secret? Because if you are not tell them not to.

715
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:47,640
Speaker 1: Tell, you have that discipline to say don't tell me. Yes,

716
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:50,399
Speaker 1: I will say, I'm gonna put a little asterisk next

717
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:51,759
Speaker 1: to that and say if you if you feel like

718
00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:58,319
Speaker 1: you have to tell someone, tell your therapist down here.

719
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:00,880
Speaker 1: Your therapist can't say that they I've definitely there have

720
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:04,360
Speaker 1: been maybe a one or two situations where I was like,

721
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,160
Speaker 1: I gotta tell my therapist because this is just this

722
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:10,839
Speaker 1: is a lot, right. Because the thing is too is

723
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:11,399
Speaker 1: that like.

724
00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:19,800
Speaker 2: I've had friends say I don't want this particular So

725
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:24,719
Speaker 2: like after the fact, right, they've said this particular secret,

726
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,719
Speaker 2: I don't want to engage in the keeping of this.

727
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:32,439
Speaker 1: Oh wait, you've had a friend tell you I don't

728
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,399
Speaker 1: want to engage in keeping this type of secret after

729
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,960
Speaker 1: you've already told them the secret. Oh so what does

730
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:37,359
Speaker 1: that mean?

731
00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:46,640
Speaker 2: So typically this was in situations where it was not

732
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:52,279
Speaker 2: the secret wasn't about me, okay, right, I'm asking I

733
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:58,520
Speaker 2: was asking them to hold some information about someone else, gotcha.

734
00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 1: So this was more this was relationship stuff. Okay.

735
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:08,040
Speaker 2: So like I'm confiding in a friend about something that

736
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:10,400
Speaker 2: I'm dealing with with my partner.

737
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:13,080
Speaker 1: Okay, and I ask.

738
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,799
Speaker 2: Don't don't say nothing to nobody about this, okay, right,

739
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:23,240
Speaker 2: And the friend then says this is not a secret

740
00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 2: that like, I don't want I don't want to engage

741
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,320
Speaker 2: in the holding of this. She's they're going to tell someone,

742
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 2: not necessarily that they're going to tell someone, but they

743
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:34,840
Speaker 2: don't want to get caught up in holding this.

744
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,919
Speaker 1: Yes, Okay, so maybe don't share any more details about

745
00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,359
Speaker 1: the situation, like find another option.

746
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:43,759
Speaker 2: Okay, And to me, I can respect that, that's right,

747
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,000
Speaker 2: that's and also then what that made me do was

748
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:51,000
Speaker 2: pause and think about what is this bit of information

749
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:54,480
Speaker 2: that I'm asking them the whole? Why am I asking

750
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,960
Speaker 2: them to keep this a secret? And that allowed me

751
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:04,080
Speaker 2: to do some reflect on Okay, well, maybe I don't

752
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,919
Speaker 2: need to be this doesn't need to be a secret either. God,

753
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:09,280
Speaker 2: it really doesn't need to be a secret period, Right,

754
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:14,239
Speaker 2: that makes sense? And why am I wanting to hold this?

755
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:20,640
Speaker 2: Why is my partner wanting this not to be Why

756
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:23,200
Speaker 2: are they not being forced wanting to be forcedcoming with

757
00:42:23,239 --> 00:42:26,480
Speaker 2: this information? And maybe that's something we need to work.

758
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:29,000
Speaker 1: Through for sure. That makes sense. And I do want

759
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:31,040
Speaker 1: to just add that when I said that I share

760
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,520
Speaker 1: stuff with my therapist, sometimes people will share secrets with

761
00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:36,560
Speaker 1: you that are heavy. Yes, Like I've had a bunch

762
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:39,400
Speaker 1: of people you know, come to me about suicidal ideations

763
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,360
Speaker 1: and things like that, and I sometimes need support to

764
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,399
Speaker 1: hold that secret for you. So it's like, Okay, I'm

765
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:46,320
Speaker 1: gonna go to a safe person that I can trust

766
00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 1: so I can get some guidance on how can I

767
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 1: support this person whatever might be. So just want to

768
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,360
Speaker 1: add context because I am a vault, but sometimes a

769
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,759
Speaker 1: vault needs to help you. Yes, okay. The next one

770
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,520
Speaker 1: is never talked bad about your coworkers. Now, this is

771
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:00,760
Speaker 1: like black girls that we're referring, like in the office.

772
00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:02,920
Speaker 1: And what I mean by this is I think about

773
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:06,239
Speaker 1: scenarios where there are I remember years ago there was

774
00:43:06,239 --> 00:43:09,319
Speaker 1: a black woman that I was working with and there

775
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:11,799
Speaker 1: were some colleagues. There were white colleagues that had an

776
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,359
Speaker 1: issue with her, and they were talking about her. And

777
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:17,560
Speaker 1: even if I observe and realize the same issues, there's

778
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:19,400
Speaker 1: just a certain there's just a certain way that I

779
00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:21,640
Speaker 1: communicate about black people in the workplace, and I don't.

780
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:25,560
Speaker 1: I don't jump on the bandwagon and go in like

781
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:28,200
Speaker 1: other people would because I feel even if they're wrong,

782
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:30,480
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, if they're wrong, someone will find out.

783
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:31,880
Speaker 1: They needs to find out, and it will happen. But

784
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:34,960
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be the one that's gonna be

785
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,480
Speaker 1: the that's going to contribute to the demise of another

786
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:41,239
Speaker 1: black person or that's gonna put them in jeopardy of

787
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,319
Speaker 1: like losing their job or something like that. I feel

788
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,200
Speaker 1: like the powers that be will figure it out and

789
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,400
Speaker 1: they'll handle it. But I don't want to participate in

790
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:51,640
Speaker 1: those conversations about black people, especially in company, in the

791
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:52,800
Speaker 1: company of other others.

792
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,360
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm with you one hundred percent on that. Like

793
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,960
Speaker 2: I might go, you know, depending on my relationship with

794
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,359
Speaker 2: that particular person, in that particular co worker, I might

795
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:03,520
Speaker 2: go and pull them to a side here and say, hey,

796
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:09,520
Speaker 2: let's have a come to Jesus conversation and we're gonna

797
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:14,960
Speaker 2: we're gonna rally and get this person together. Yeah, but

798
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:19,319
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna engage in talking shit about Nope, I'm

799
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:24,719
Speaker 2: just now. Yeah, I know that some of y'all out here,

800
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,960
Speaker 2: we'll probably go to your other black co workers and

801
00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 2: talk about that that black co work, that one coworker

802
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 2: with your other black co workers.

803
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:40,360
Speaker 1: Hmm, Okay, I can see that you're not gonna do it. Yeah,

804
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 1: I can definitely. I'm like, I can see doing that, like,

805
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:45,200
Speaker 1: especially because if we're putting it in contact. Let's say

806
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:48,520
Speaker 1: it's a person this particular situation is a black person

807
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:50,520
Speaker 1: who's like they are problematic, they're out here doing the

808
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:52,640
Speaker 1: most like be like, sys, come on, get it together.

809
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: I could see myself going to the black co workers

810
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,319
Speaker 1: like what we're trying to help? What is she doing?

811
00:44:57,520 --> 00:44:59,279
Speaker 1: But I'm not going to go to the others and

812
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,320
Speaker 1: complain and do all that. I'm not going to participate. No,

813
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:05,160
Speaker 1: don't participate in it. Yeah, I feel like we should

814
00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:11,800
Speaker 1: probably save the last few codes for the after show. So, lady,

815
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:14,719
Speaker 1: this is a good time for you to visit us

816
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:19,280
Speaker 1: at Herspace podcast dot com. Click on Patreon Wisdom Wednesday

817
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: with Terry at the very top tab of the screen

818
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:24,319
Speaker 1: and you can get access to our patreon which has

819
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:28,600
Speaker 1: video content that has what we have, a whole bunch

820
00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:30,880
Speaker 1: of stuff there. We have ways that you can connect

821
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:33,920
Speaker 1: with us the scenes video, find the scenes footage, ways

822
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:35,480
Speaker 1: that you can connect with us in a deeper and

823
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:39,759
Speaker 1: a deeper way, So go support. We are also black founded,

824
00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:44,880
Speaker 1: black funded, and black owned. So these two voices that

825
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:46,920
Speaker 1: you hear, this is all us. This is what we created,

826
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:49,359
Speaker 1: We created this brand, We created this podcast for us

827
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:52,160
Speaker 1: by us, and so if you want to support these

828
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: two black women, come support us on Patreon. Okay, all right,

829
00:45:57,640 --> 00:45:59,920
Speaker 1: we'll see you on the other side. Thanks.

830
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 2: Hey, lady, is doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her

831
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,560
Speaker 2: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

832
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:13,040
Speaker 2: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey well, If so,

833
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:18,080
Speaker 2: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

834
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

835
00:46:23,719 --> 00:46:28,080
Speaker 2: U E B R O U S s ar D

836
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:33,799
Speaker 2: dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I

837
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:38,640
Speaker 2: look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining us today.

838
00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:45,160
Speaker 2: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

839
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:50,000
Speaker 2: self empowerment, and mental health, but is by no means

840
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:54,120
Speaker 2: meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship

841
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:57,960
Speaker 2: with a trained mental health provider. If you are someone

842
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:01,760
Speaker 2: you know is in need of mental health, please visit

843
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:07,160
Speaker 2: a Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact

844
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:08,320
Speaker 2: your insurance provider.

845
00:47:08,719 --> 00:47:10,359
Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

846
00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:14,279
Speaker 1: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

847
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:19,319
Speaker 1: Twitter at herspace podcast or check out our website at

848
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:23,080
Speaker 1: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

849
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:27,760
Speaker 1: after me. I attract abundance and prosperity with ease