1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:06,800
Speaker 1: Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships

2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,240
Speaker 1: and the state of the world. But there's a way

3
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,760
Speaker 1: to bring that stress level down. Calm. It's the number

4
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,280
Speaker 1: one app for mental wellness with tons of content to

5
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:20,720
Speaker 1: manage anxiety, promote concentration, and help you unwind. There's music, meditation,

6
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,840
Speaker 1: a more Calm makes it easy to de stress. You

7
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,720
Speaker 1: can literally do a one minute breathing exercise. Personally, I

8
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,560
Speaker 1: love the soundscapes. Nothing like a little rain on leaves

9
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,840
Speaker 1: to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been working

10
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,880
Speaker 1: with Calm for a couple of years now, and I'd

11
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,360
Speaker 1: love for you to check out my series on reducing

12
00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:44,600
Speaker 1: overwhelm eight short practices quick relief. Right now, listeners of

13
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,960
Speaker 1: On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calm

14
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:52,159
Speaker 1: Premium at Calm dot com. Forward slash j that's c

15
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:57,760
Speaker 1: LM dot com Forward slash jay for forty percent off.

16
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:02,360
Speaker 1: Calm your mind, change your life. Remember the seeds you

17
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,440
Speaker 1: planted in the past will grow into flowers or weeds today.

18
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,880
Speaker 1: Not everything is about what you did in the last

19
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,880
Speaker 1: thirty days. We think of things as quite short term.

20
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,520
Speaker 1: We think of things as quite instant and right now.

21
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,880
Speaker 1: A lot of what we're experiencing is from a long

22
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,839
Speaker 1: time ago. The number one health and wellness podcast sid

23
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:31,520
Speaker 1: Jay Sheidjou. Hey, everyone, welcome back to a very special

24
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:37,000
Speaker 1: episode of On Purpose. Today is my birthday, and so

25
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:41,880
Speaker 1: I wanted to do a very special reflection birthday episode

26
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:45,920
Speaker 1: where I get super deep, super vulnerable and open up

27
00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:50,440
Speaker 1: to you about the lessons I've learned, insights I've gained,

28
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:55,080
Speaker 1: purification I've had to go through, and challenges I've overcome

29
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,120
Speaker 1: in the last twelve months. Now, I'm really excited to

30
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,880
Speaker 1: dive into this episod, but before I do that, I

31
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,040
Speaker 1: want to thank each and every one of you for

32
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,920
Speaker 1: choosing On Purpose this year. It has made a huge

33
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,000
Speaker 1: difference to our community, It's made a huge difference to me,

34
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,600
Speaker 1: and I hope that you will subscribe, leave a review,

35
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,880
Speaker 1: and share this episode with a friend. I am so

36
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,120
Speaker 1: grateful for your ongoing support and I couldn't do this

37
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,160
Speaker 1: without you. Now, as I sat down to think about

38
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:31,280
Speaker 1: this episode and introspect, I realized that there were twelve

39
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,960
Speaker 1: key lessons that I've learned in the last twelve months,

40
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:42,040
Speaker 1: and I think it's important. I challenged myself to think

41
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,639
Speaker 1: of twelve lessons because I believe that every month has

42
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,120
Speaker 1: something for me to learn. Every month of the year

43
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:56,400
Speaker 1: has something for me to have to encapsulate into a

44
00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:00,800
Speaker 1: line of wisdom, a quote, a thought, a reflection that

45
00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:04,560
Speaker 1: I can carry on into the next. The reason why

46
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,200
Speaker 1: we make the same mistakes again and again is because

47
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,959
Speaker 1: we don't learn the lesson we need to learn again

48
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:16,240
Speaker 1: and again. We miss the signs, we miss the opportunity,

49
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,040
Speaker 1: we miss the chance to learn and grow, and so

50
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:25,000
Speaker 1: we fall fail and make the same mistake again. The

51
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,400
Speaker 1: reason why I do this episode, and I recommend you

52
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,320
Speaker 1: do it around your birthday as well, is because it

53
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:35,720
Speaker 1: gives you the opportunity to make sure that you're carrying

54
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,800
Speaker 1: the wisdom of your last year into the next. And

55
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,640
Speaker 1: for those of you who are wondering, yes, I'm a

56
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,600
Speaker 1: virgo in case you hadn't forget it out just yet,

57
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,800
Speaker 1: and I'm just so happy that I get to share

58
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:53,600
Speaker 1: these lessons with you. Here's lesson number one. The seeds

59
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,920
Speaker 1: you planted in the past will grow into flowers or

60
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:03,600
Speaker 1: weeds today. What you experience is what you planted a

61
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:09,080
Speaker 1: long time ago. This is how karma works. Don't be

62
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:14,480
Speaker 1: mad at what grows focus on planting good seeds. How

63
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,040
Speaker 1: many times have you had it when something happens and

64
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,160
Speaker 1: you're thinking to yourself, I've been doing everything right, I've

65
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:24,320
Speaker 1: been doing good, I've been working hard, I've been acting appropriately,

66
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,479
Speaker 1: I've been really focused on service and making a difference,

67
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,760
Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, some surprise comes in your way,

68
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:35,560
Speaker 1: something that you weren't expecting, something that feels like you

69
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,359
Speaker 1: don't deserve it, and you probably don't. But what you

70
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,960
Speaker 1: realize when you recognize the power of karma, is that

71
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:50,520
Speaker 1: there was a weed you planted years ago, and today

72
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,320
Speaker 1: that weed has grown and is now affecting your life.

73
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:58,480
Speaker 1: And sometimes the most beautiful things happen to us. We

74
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,640
Speaker 1: meet someone amazing, we get an amazing opportunity in our careers,

75
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,960
Speaker 1: someone spots our talent, something phenomenal happens for us, and again,

76
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,280
Speaker 1: we didn't do anything different. Now, it was a seed

77
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:17,240
Speaker 1: that we planted many months, many years ago. So our

78
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:21,640
Speaker 1: life is like a garden, and the seeds and weeds

79
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,600
Speaker 1: that we planted months and years ago are growing today

80
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:32,279
Speaker 1: into either flowers or weeds, and then we're experiencing either

81
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:37,279
Speaker 1: the beautiful scent of that flower or we're experiencing the

82
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:42,360
Speaker 1: tightness of that weed around us in that moment. It's

83
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,680
Speaker 1: so easy to get bitter in that moment, it's so

84
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,520
Speaker 1: easy to be angry, and all of those feelings are valid,

85
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,880
Speaker 1: they're okay. But the behavior we want to see is

86
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,680
Speaker 1: the acceptance. The Vaders talk about this idea of one

87
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:03,520
Speaker 1: who can accept something as a reaction of their karmas

88
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,920
Speaker 1: of a seed that they planted a long time ago.

89
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,599
Speaker 1: To that person, they experienced liberation and peace. It's the

90
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,640
Speaker 1: acceptance that maybe there's somewhere in my journey that I

91
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,159
Speaker 1: acted in a certain way. Maybe there's some conversation that

92
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,520
Speaker 1: I said something. Maybe there was one period where I

93
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:25,599
Speaker 1: did something, and now there's a reaction to that action

94
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:30,920
Speaker 1: that I took. And instead of focusing on that, I'm

95
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,479
Speaker 1: going to start planting even better seeds, and I'm going

96
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,240
Speaker 1: to uproot this weed by figuring out how it was

97
00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,760
Speaker 1: planted in the first place. If you've ever tracked a

98
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,800
Speaker 1: weed through a garden, you start pulling it out and

99
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:48,120
Speaker 1: you can actually follow it and trace it to its

100
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:52,200
Speaker 1: root place. Remember, the seeds you planted in the past

101
00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,720
Speaker 1: will grow into flowers or weeds today. Not everything is

102
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,200
Speaker 1: about what you did in the last thirty days. We

103
00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,320
Speaker 1: think of things as quite we think of things as

104
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:05,440
Speaker 1: quite instant and right now. A lot of what we're

105
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:10,000
Speaker 1: experiencing is from a long time ago. Lesson number two.

106
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:16,120
Speaker 1: For some people in your life, envy is uncontrollable compared

107
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:20,640
Speaker 1: to their character. Make sure yours is the other way around.

108
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:27,240
Speaker 1: Envy will erode your life. It's a really interesting characteristic

109
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:32,200
Speaker 1: envy because it's that feeling of I wish I had

110
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:37,520
Speaker 1: that I deserve that they don't deserve, that they don't

111
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,240
Speaker 1: They shouldn't get that. Why did that happen to them?

112
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,320
Speaker 1: Why not me? And by the way we all go

113
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,680
Speaker 1: through this, I don't want you to sit there and

114
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,040
Speaker 1: shame yourself or make yourself feel guilty, or make yourself

115
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:52,080
Speaker 1: feel bad for this. We all experience envy in different ways,

116
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,160
Speaker 1: no matter how successful or how at the beginning of

117
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,280
Speaker 1: your journey you are. It's something that everyone experiences. Two

118
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,640
Speaker 1: of the questions I ask my clients when I'm first

119
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,200
Speaker 1: meeting them, the first is who do you envy? I

120
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,880
Speaker 1: always ask that because to me, it shows so much

121
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,360
Speaker 1: about what a person values. It shows so much about

122
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,200
Speaker 1: what they think is good, what they think is better

123
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,880
Speaker 1: than what they have, their level of gratitude, their level

124
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,400
Speaker 1: of character. And the second question I ask is who

125
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,960
Speaker 1: or what is your God? What do you idolize? What

126
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,400
Speaker 1: do you obsess over? And it's not just what we

127
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,680
Speaker 1: think in our minds, it's what we show by our actions.

128
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,200
Speaker 1: What I found is that for most of us, we're

129
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,360
Speaker 1: able to calm our envy. We're able to not act

130
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:44,520
Speaker 1: on it. We're able to coach ourselves talk ourselves out

131
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,360
Speaker 1: of acting on that feeling and emotion. But for some

132
00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:54,760
Speaker 1: people it's uncontrollable. Their envy has reached such a height

133
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,240
Speaker 1: that they are prepared to do anything in order to

134
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,559
Speaker 1: express their envy. Now, if you're on the receiving end

135
00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:04,880
Speaker 1: of this, it can be really difficult and challenging. It

136
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,640
Speaker 1: can be really hard to go through that. And if

137
00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:09,240
Speaker 1: you have been, I know some of you have said

138
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,080
Speaker 1: to me in the comments before jay I had a

139
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,959
Speaker 1: friend of mine tell me that they were envious of me,

140
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,559
Speaker 1: and I struggle to be friends with them. Now, some

141
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,120
Speaker 1: people are bold enough to admit it to you, and

142
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,200
Speaker 1: some of you know, some of you know that there's

143
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,120
Speaker 1: someone in your life who's envious of your relationship. Someone

144
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,600
Speaker 1: who's envious of your promotion, someone who's envious of your

145
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,800
Speaker 1: recent vacation, envious of your wedding, and it can be

146
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:34,000
Speaker 1: a really uncomfortable feeling. What we have to recognize is

147
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,720
Speaker 1: that we don't want to meet envy with bitterness. We

148
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,320
Speaker 1: want to meet it with love. We want to meet

149
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:45,520
Speaker 1: it with a recognition that envy is eroding that person's life,

150
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,200
Speaker 1: and we don't want to partake in increasing our envy

151
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:55,800
Speaker 1: or increasing our ego. If we take joy or satisfaction

152
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,079
Speaker 1: in the fact that someone envies us, our ego grows,

153
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,640
Speaker 1: and if we get really uncomfortable, then our bitterness grows. Instead,

154
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:08,360
Speaker 1: we meet you with love. We remind ourselves, I'm really

155
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,560
Speaker 1: grateful for what I have, I'm really fortunate for what

156
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,920
Speaker 1: I have. I'm really thankful and blessed for what i have.

157
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,079
Speaker 1: Please never let me be envious of others, and please

158
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,959
Speaker 1: let me not be the cause of envy for others.

159
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,640
Speaker 1: Let them be purified just as I wish to be purified.

160
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:27,959
Speaker 1: Let me also move towards love in this moment. Lesson

161
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:33,040
Speaker 1: number three. People forget things quick, do the right thing

162
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,960
Speaker 1: and what's meaningful to you. Sometimes when you're doing good things,

163
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,280
Speaker 1: I'm sure you felt this before. You're hoping that your friends,

164
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,439
Speaker 1: your family, they celebrate it. You're hoping that the people

165
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,000
Speaker 1: around you recognize it, that they notice it, that they're

166
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,400
Speaker 1: able to partake in your achievements, and where you've got

167
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,120
Speaker 1: to People forget things quick. You may have done the

168
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,600
Speaker 1: most amazing thing and someone will forget in the next

169
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,920
Speaker 1: twenty four hours. People forget in the next seven days.

170
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,320
Speaker 1: I often think about the great music artists of the

171
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,120
Speaker 1: last ten, twenty, thirty, forty fifty, sixty seventy years and

172
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:12,480
Speaker 1: how quickly people are forgotten. People forget things quick, both

173
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,959
Speaker 1: good and bad. Do the right thing and what's meaningful,

174
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:21,560
Speaker 1: what's truly meaningful, and do it for that reason. Sometimes

175
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,560
Speaker 1: it's the opposite. Sometimes we're dealing with negativity. We're dealing

176
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:29,520
Speaker 1: with other people's judgments, we're dealing with other people's assumptions,

177
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,480
Speaker 1: and it doesn't feel great, and we just wish that

178
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,800
Speaker 1: they could see the truth. But guess what. People forget

179
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:39,199
Speaker 1: things quick. Do the right thing and what's truly meaningful,

180
00:11:39,559 --> 00:11:43,040
Speaker 1: and do it for that reason. I've often found that

181
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,200
Speaker 1: that's the test. If you're doing good things for validation,

182
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:52,160
Speaker 1: or if you're dealing with negativity, hoping to change people's perception.

183
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,760
Speaker 1: Then you can fail on both accounts because you may

184
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,920
Speaker 1: never ever shift what someone thinks of you. You can't

185
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:05,160
Speaker 1: change what someone thinks of you. You can't change how

186
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:09,120
Speaker 1: much someone thinks about you. You can't change their perception

187
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,880
Speaker 1: of who you are. All you can do is do

188
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:17,200
Speaker 1: the right thing and what's truly meaningful. And when you

189
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,640
Speaker 1: do it, because it's the right thing, and because it's meaningful,

190
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,760
Speaker 1: you get to feel that validation yourself. You get to

191
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,600
Speaker 1: experience it deep within your heart. People forget things quick.

192
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:34,000
Speaker 1: Stop giving them so much importance. People will forget the

193
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:37,240
Speaker 1: best thing you did in a moment. People will forget

194
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,360
Speaker 1: the biggest thing you did in a moment. People will

195
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,880
Speaker 1: forget the most amazing thing you did in a moment.

196
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,560
Speaker 1: And if you're hoping that they'll validate you, they'll recognize you,

197
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,600
Speaker 1: they'll believe in you. Because of it, you'll always be

198
00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:52,880
Speaker 1: running out and you'll always have to keep filling up.

199
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:58,600
Speaker 1: People forget things quick. Don't place your value in how

200
00:12:58,679 --> 00:13:02,920
Speaker 1: much they value what you're doing, because if you do,

201
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:10,640
Speaker 1: you'll always feel devalued. Lesson number four, everyone sets goals,

202
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:16,240
Speaker 1: not everyone chooses growth. I've realized as I've been coaching people,

203
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,679
Speaker 1: as I've seen people grow and seen people achieve their dreams.

204
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:24,760
Speaker 1: I've had the fortune of seeing some amazing comebacks to industries,

205
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,760
Speaker 1: have seen some amazing moments of brilliance of people in

206
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,480
Speaker 1: their field. And I've noticed that the people who do

207
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,360
Speaker 1: get to where they want are not the people who

208
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,600
Speaker 1: have goals. They're the people who choose growth. See a

209
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,679
Speaker 1: lot of people have goals. We know that the studies

210
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:45,120
Speaker 1: show that eighty percent of people don't meet their New

211
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:50,240
Speaker 1: Year's resolutions. Setting a goal doesn't make you amazing. Setting

212
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:54,840
Speaker 1: a goal doesn't ensure anything. It's those who choose growth

213
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,800
Speaker 1: that experience the success of a goal. And I've seen

214
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,360
Speaker 1: over the last twelve months people that have mentored, people

215
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,880
Speaker 1: that have coached that those who chose the discomfort, those

216
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:10,800
Speaker 1: who chose the uncomfortable path, those who chose growth achieve

217
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:15,080
Speaker 1: their goals. So I'm always asking myself, not what's my goal,

218
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:19,120
Speaker 1: but what's required of me from the perspective of growth?

219
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,840
Speaker 1: What growth have I not yet made? Which is why

220
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:28,880
Speaker 1: my goal feels so far away. Your goal will feel

221
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:37,280
Speaker 1: further and further away until your growth is constantly expanding. Right,

222
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:42,360
Speaker 1: your goals will feel closer when your growth grows faster.

223
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,440
Speaker 1: So I'm always asking myself, the thing that's blocking me

224
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:51,680
Speaker 1: from my goal is my growth. So let me figure

225
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,840
Speaker 1: out how I need to grow. What skill is it,

226
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,240
Speaker 1: What habit is it? What mindset is it that I

227
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,080
Speaker 1: don't yet have that is holding me back? This one

228
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,000
Speaker 1: has been a big lesson for me of late. Don't

229
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:09,320
Speaker 1: let anyone deter you from your purpose. There's a beautiful

230
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:14,080
Speaker 1: verse in the Vedic literatures that says, when you protect

231
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:18,440
Speaker 1: your purpose, your purpose protects you. And I love this

232
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,960
Speaker 1: statement because we often think of our purpose as something

233
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,760
Speaker 1: we have to find. We think of our purpose as

234
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,920
Speaker 1: something we have to build. We think of purpose as

235
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,120
Speaker 1: something we have to create. Our purpose is something we

236
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,320
Speaker 1: have to protect. You already have it, you know it,

237
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,640
Speaker 1: but you've been veering away from it because of other

238
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:43,000
Speaker 1: people's expectations, other people's judgment, other people's criticism, other people's negativity.

239
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,520
Speaker 1: And you've gone so far away from it that you

240
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,040
Speaker 1: feel like you have to find it again. But you

241
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,400
Speaker 1: don't have to find it again. It's already there. It exists,

242
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,680
Speaker 1: and we have to learn to protect it. So I

243
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,000
Speaker 1: want to ask you, what is something that you haven't

244
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,560
Speaker 1: protected for a while. What is a part of you

245
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,880
Speaker 1: that you haven't protected, that you haven't shielded, that you

246
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,720
Speaker 1: haven't created boundaries around Because when you protect your purpose,

247
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:14,400
Speaker 1: your purpose protects you. I found that everything in life

248
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,800
Speaker 1: is trying to get you to stop living your purpose

249
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,400
Speaker 1: because it's the only way the game wins. It's the

250
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:24,160
Speaker 1: only way the material world wins is by distracting you

251
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,840
Speaker 1: from your purpose. The material world wins when it takes

252
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,280
Speaker 1: you away from that which you were meant to do,

253
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,240
Speaker 1: that which you're born to do, that which you are

254
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:38,480
Speaker 1: made for. And for so many of us, I find

255
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,440
Speaker 1: that it's okay to get distracted, but we have to

256
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,560
Speaker 1: find our way back, find our way back to protect it.

257
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:49,280
Speaker 1: Less number six. Your challenge is designed for you to

258
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,960
Speaker 1: become who you're meant to become. Don't ask how do

259
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,240
Speaker 1: I get over this or through this? Ask who is

260
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,760
Speaker 1: this asking me to become? And why am I avoiding

261
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,080
Speaker 1: the co Whenever you meet a challenge, when you're ready,

262
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,360
Speaker 1: after you've experienced the emotions, experience the pain, experience the stress,

263
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,840
Speaker 1: ask yourself, who is this asking me to become? Who

264
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,600
Speaker 1: is this calling me to be become And whenever I

265
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,720
Speaker 1: avoided this in the past, chances are we only get

266
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:22,600
Speaker 1: a really strong alarm sound when we've resisted the call before. Right,

267
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,000
Speaker 1: your alarm gets louder and louder and louder and louder

268
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,120
Speaker 1: in the morning when you ignore it. What's the call

269
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,200
Speaker 1: you've been ignoring that just got loud? Who are you

270
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:36,120
Speaker 1: being asked to rise to become? Who are you being

271
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:41,560
Speaker 1: asked and challenged to become? Who are you required to become?

272
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,240
Speaker 1: And why are you avoiding the call? Whatever challenge you're

273
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,600
Speaker 1: going through, know that you are designed for it, and

274
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,040
Speaker 1: it is designed for you. And when you approach it

275
00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,400
Speaker 1: in that way, you get the strength that you need

276
00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:00,360
Speaker 1: because you recognize you're built for this. You're made for this,

277
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:05,560
Speaker 1: You're designed for this, You're created for this. The resistance

278
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,840
Speaker 1: makes us feel weak. This is not for me. I'm

279
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,080
Speaker 1: not for it. I can't do this. It's not possible.

280
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,160
Speaker 1: It makes you weak. In the fight. You can strengthen

281
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,480
Speaker 1: in the fight. You can build in the fight, you

282
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,239
Speaker 1: can grow in the fight. I've seen my friends this

283
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,280
Speaker 1: year fight some incredible things, truly fight some incredible things,

284
00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:26,399
Speaker 1: really difficult, challenging, moments. And it's because they chose to

285
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:31,080
Speaker 1: become what that situation was asking them to be, not

286
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,240
Speaker 1: who they wanted to be, not what they wanted in

287
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,200
Speaker 1: the moment, but what was required of them in that moment.

288
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,879
Speaker 1: And that leads nicely on to lesson number seven. You

289
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,280
Speaker 1: will let things define you if you don't define them first.

290
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,760
Speaker 1: So we let things define us when we just go

291
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,520
Speaker 1: with the flow and we think, Okay, that happened to me,

292
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,280
Speaker 1: it defined me. No, let me define it. Let me

293
00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:57,600
Speaker 1: decide and define how I want this to change my life.

294
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:02,040
Speaker 1: Let me decide and define, fine, how I want to

295
00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:04,320
Speaker 1: speak about this. And this is a really important point.

296
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,360
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us don't use these as

297
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:13,080
Speaker 1: opportunities to expand our emotional vocabulary, to expand how we

298
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:17,439
Speaker 1: perceive this moment. How can you learn to define and

299
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,240
Speaker 1: make a decision about how you're going to let something

300
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:26,520
Speaker 1: affect you? Right? I can either use a life changing

301
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,960
Speaker 1: moment to actually change my life or to continue living

302
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,800
Speaker 1: life the same way after a few days. It's my choice,

303
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,480
Speaker 1: it's your choice. Less number eight. Help can come from

304
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:43,800
Speaker 1: unlikely sources in unlikely ways. This year I had a

305
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:48,600
Speaker 1: lot of random sources of help. And one thing I've

306
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:52,800
Speaker 1: really learned is to remember that in between us now.

307
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,800
Speaker 1: The in between Ers was a TV show in the UK.

308
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,880
Speaker 1: Maybe it wise to maybe you didn't. It was about

309
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,240
Speaker 1: a bunch of awkward people at high school. But to me,

310
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,720
Speaker 1: the in betweeners are the people that introduce you to

311
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,919
Speaker 1: someone that you're now best friends with. The in betweeners

312
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,760
Speaker 1: are the people who helped you get that job even

313
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,439
Speaker 1: though it didn't benefit them. The in betweeners are the

314
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,840
Speaker 1: person that maybe even introduce you to the love of

315
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,240
Speaker 1: your life and you're no longer friends with them. Who's

316
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,840
Speaker 1: an in between er in your life? Help can come

317
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,760
Speaker 1: from unlikely sources and unlikely ways. And I promise you

318
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,280
Speaker 1: have someone important in your life today, or something important

319
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,680
Speaker 1: in your life today, and you have it because of

320
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,280
Speaker 1: an in between us. Someone you've forgotten about, someone you

321
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,960
Speaker 1: no longer know or stay in touch with it, or

322
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,879
Speaker 1: someone that you don't ever really show that gratitude to.

323
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,919
Speaker 1: This is a reminder to express your gratitude to the

324
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,520
Speaker 1: person you forgot about, to the person who introduced you

325
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,720
Speaker 1: to an amazing friend, to the person who helped you

326
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,360
Speaker 1: with your last job, to the person who maybe introduced

327
00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:59,720
Speaker 1: you to the love of your life. But somewhere along

328
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,359
Speaker 1: the way you fell out. You forgot about them, they

329
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:06,159
Speaker 1: forgot about you. You disconnected. But that in between he

330
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,040
Speaker 1: is one of the most important people you'll ever meet.

331
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,520
Speaker 1: And help can come from those in between us. Sometimes

332
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,840
Speaker 1: when we least expect it, help can come from unlikely

333
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,440
Speaker 1: sources in unlikely ways. We have to be receptive to it.

334
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,960
Speaker 1: Sometimes we go to the same sources for help. We

335
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,399
Speaker 1: have to be open to the fact that there are

336
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,879
Speaker 1: other people out there with wisdom, with insight, with so

337
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,000
Speaker 1: many things that can help us if we simply open

338
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,760
Speaker 1: ourselves up to it less Number nine. Try to see

339
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:43,160
Speaker 1: things as an invitation, not an impediment. I was speaking

340
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,159
Speaker 1: of my friend Aloak who actually said this to me.

341
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:52,320
Speaker 1: How can every impediment be seen as an invitation? What

342
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:57,399
Speaker 1: does that mean? An invitation is letting you in. An

343
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,679
Speaker 1: impediment often feels like it's keeping you out right. We

344
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,480
Speaker 1: often think as blocks, as rejections, keeping us out. We

345
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,719
Speaker 1: didn't make it in so an invitation. When you look

346
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,479
Speaker 1: at it as an invitation, what is it inviting you into?

347
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:13,880
Speaker 1: May not be inviting you into the room you want

348
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,040
Speaker 1: to be in. It may not be inviting you into

349
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,520
Speaker 1: the career you want to be in. It may not

350
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,520
Speaker 1: be inviting you into the relationship you want to be in.

351
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,800
Speaker 1: What is it inviting you to reading between the lines?

352
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,800
Speaker 1: What is this impediment inviting me to be a part of?

353
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 1: It may not be inviting me to be a part

354
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,240
Speaker 1: of the thing I want to be a part of.

355
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,840
Speaker 1: But there is something else. I've seen this over the

356
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,679
Speaker 1: years in my work in life. I remember when I

357
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,960
Speaker 1: first came to LA, I had been reached out to

358
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,280
Speaker 1: by a production company this is seven years ago that

359
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:44,560
Speaker 1: wanted to make a TV show with me, and I'd

360
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,600
Speaker 1: come to LA and we pitched this TV show which

361
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,200
Speaker 1: I thought was pretty cool, and no one wanted it,

362
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,600
Speaker 1: and everyone got reject ive, got regientted over town. But

363
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,440
Speaker 1: I became really good friends with a lot of people.

364
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,399
Speaker 1: I met people at streamers and production companies, and it

365
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,280
Speaker 1: was really to me because I realized that because I

366
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,480
Speaker 1: didn't get the opportunity to do the TV show I wanted,

367
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,960
Speaker 1: I had time and energy to build the podcast that

368
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,119
Speaker 1: I really wanted to do. I had time and energy

369
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,560
Speaker 1: to create content that I really believed in. I had

370
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,480
Speaker 1: time and energy to write the books I cared about.

371
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 1: And it's funny because I think, if seven years ago

372
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,479
Speaker 1: I was given that show, maybe I would never have

373
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 1: done all of this. And today I'm so grateful because

374
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 1: it was an invitation to say, be independent, be entrepreneurial,

375
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 1: be creative. And I think about all this amazing stuff

376
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,600
Speaker 1: I've been able to do, and the connection I've been

377
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:39,520
Speaker 1: able to build up with you was because of an impediment.

378
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: It was because something didn't work out. Most things that

379
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:48,560
Speaker 1: work out are because other things didn't work out. Most

380
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:52,520
Speaker 1: things are created because other things were blocked. Think about

381
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,919
Speaker 1: in your life where you're chasing the same thing and

382
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,679
Speaker 1: waiting for permission, when actually you can let go of

383
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 1: the desire for permission and focus on making progress in

384
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,720
Speaker 1: the things that you see as potential less than number ten.

385
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 1: Sometimes to get to your dreams, you have to take

386
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,040
Speaker 1: the stairs. Sometimes you get to take the elevator, and

387
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,520
Speaker 1: sometimes you have to come through the roof Mission impossible style, right,

388
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,879
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of us want the elevator.

389
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,120
Speaker 1: We might take the stairs, and we don't really want

390
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,399
Speaker 1: to have to jump through the roof. In that scenario,

391
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, have you been waiting

392
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,200
Speaker 1: for that elevator for too long? Have you been waiting

393
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:39,920
Speaker 1: on that floor for that elevator to stop for way

394
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 1: too long? And he keeps missing it, You keep missing it.

395
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: How many of you have been resistant to take the

396
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,720
Speaker 1: stairs because of the climb, the steep climb. But now

397
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,440
Speaker 1: it's the time to go through that fire exit and

398
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,879
Speaker 1: take the stairs, even though it's twenty four floors that

399
00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 1: you've got to climb. And how many of you realize

400
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 1: that now it's time to just go through the roof right,

401
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 1: to really take that leap, take that risk. And so

402
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,240
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, what have you been resisting?

403
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,439
Speaker 1: Have you been weighing for too long? Have you not

404
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,000
Speaker 1: been weighing long enough? It's been a big lesson for

405
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,920
Speaker 1: me this year. Lesson number eleven. The people you leave

406
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,360
Speaker 1: behind will feel left behind no matter what you do.

407
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:29,159
Speaker 1: You can try to please them, you can try to

408
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,120
Speaker 1: make them feel included, you can try to make them

409
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 1: feel involved in everything you're doing. But if they want

410
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:39,320
Speaker 1: to feel left behind, they will find a reason to

411
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 1: feel left behind, and there's nothing you can do about it.

412
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,400
Speaker 1: You have to accept it and move on. I've had

413
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,800
Speaker 1: the fortune of seeing people stay connected with me even

414
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,880
Speaker 1: when I was hard to connect with. And I've seen

415
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,920
Speaker 1: others that have tried to stay connected with who've disconnected

416
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 1: despite my efforts. People, you leave behind and will feel

417
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 1: left behind no matter what you do. You can't stop

418
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,120
Speaker 1: growing because of that. You can't stop going because of that.

419
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,960
Speaker 1: But the thing you promise to yourself you won't do

420
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,080
Speaker 1: is be bitter towards them, Be upset towards them, be

421
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,960
Speaker 1: disappointed by them, because what that does is it pollutes

422
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 1: your journey. It pollutes your path, It pollutes the purity

423
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,400
Speaker 1: of your intention, the purity of your purpose. When you

424
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: fall prey to the idea that they should have come,

425
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:36,240
Speaker 1: they must do what I wish they would do. Unless

426
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:41,400
Speaker 1: the number twelve love is not enough, build squills, qualities,

427
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 1: and characteristics. Don't over rely on love. I've seen this

428
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 1: the people I've worked with. People have mentored love will

429
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:55,359
Speaker 1: get you only so far. Because people's capacity to love

430
00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:02,080
Speaker 1: is limited by their capacity for eight. People's capacity for

431
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:08,200
Speaker 1: love is limited by their capacity for a lack of trust.

432
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 1: We are only love, We're made of love. But because

433
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:15,639
Speaker 1: we've increased our capacity to be all these other things,

434
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:19,680
Speaker 1: we have decreased our capacity for love. And therefore the skills,

435
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,920
Speaker 1: the mindsets, the habits make up for what we lack

436
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:27,080
Speaker 1: in love, only to ultimately lead to love. I want

437
00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:29,439
Speaker 1: to thank you for listening to my special birthday episode.

438
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,960
Speaker 1: I hope these lessons gave you something to think about,

439
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,320
Speaker 1: something to reflect upon. I hope you will continue to

440
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 1: be a part of this community and share the messages

441
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:41,920
Speaker 1: you're learning here. I look forward to reconnecting with you soon.

442
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,200
Speaker 1: Don't miss out on episodes new ones every Monday and Friday.

443
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,720
Speaker 1: We've got like five hundred episodes for you to catch

444
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,440
Speaker 1: up on. If you're new here. Thanks for listening. Remember

445
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 1: I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.

446
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to this conversation. If

447
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,240
Speaker 1: you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant

448
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:05,600
Speaker 1: on why discomfort is the key to growth and the

449
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,760
Speaker 1: strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know you

450
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,440
Speaker 1: want to be more and achieve more this year, go

451
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,040
Speaker 1: check it out right now. You set a goal today,

452
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: you achieve it in six months, and then by the

453
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,880
Speaker 1: time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense

454
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,080
Speaker 1: of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it and

455
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen