WEBVTT - Episode 1: Email My Heart 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:05.720 Hi there. Before this episode begins, I want to make 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:08.080 sure you know that this series gets into some things 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:12.200 that might be triggering to some listeners, specifically depression and suicide. 0:00:13.000 --> 0:00:16.040 If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:19.799 please seek assistance from a mental health professional, or visit 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:22.800 the National Institute of Mental Health website at n I 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:26.760 m H dot, ni H dot g o V for resources. 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:31.080 If you're currently in crisis, you can call one hundred 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:35.680 to seven three talk that's eight to five, or text 0:00:35.840 --> 0:00:39.879 Hello to seven one seven for one to speak to 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:44.800 someone immediately. Thanks for listening. Oh yeah, I don't understand. 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:47.480 I don't think. I really don't think Britney Spears would 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:50.240 go on a tiny jet and talk to you you. But 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:54.840 I really don't a doubt it. I'm Chris Studman and 0:00:54.920 --> 0:01:07.920 this is unread episode one. Email my heart, call them 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:16.399 back all the little clothes, open threats. That's still same 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:27.760 for you. I gathered in sen deviceces faceco breaking the 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:41.759 eyes floor too so fast. Now. I hope you're having 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:46.399 a great day. I'm going to camping today. We actually 0:01:46.400 --> 0:01:50.320 I'm only going hiking. See, I'm just a guy guy. 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:54.480 I'm gonna go to a pay type racks and in 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:58.400 one weekend manish in those Spears before a last me days. 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:05.720 Can I get a want? What? What? Why? That's my 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:10.359 friend alex In. We spoke over the phone and texted often, 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:13.080 but he also loved to send me life updates via 0:02:13.160 --> 0:02:17.200 video message, little dispatches from his world. Like most of 0:02:17.240 --> 0:02:20.320 his updates, this one included some news about Britney Spears, 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:23.120 the pop princess we both loved, who was in the 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:26.360 middle of her very successful Las Vegas residency. Piece of me. 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:30.320 This is probably obvious, but yes, his voice is altered 0:02:30.360 --> 0:02:33.000 by an Instagram filter in that video. Here he is 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:35.680 without a filter from another video message he sent me, 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:42.600 this one four years later. Oh we're rolling well. Um, 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:48.640 I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:51.160 know this is a big year for you. Whoo whoop whoop? Whoop? 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:52.920 Whoop whoop? Can I get a whoop? Whoop? Can I 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:54.800 get a whoo whoop? I just got a whoop whoop? 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:59.720 Too much? Some people thought Alex was, as he said, 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:03.919 too much, but me I couldn't get enough of his intensity, 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:07.480 his zeal for life. As someone who sometimes struggles to 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:12.120 embrace my own passions or interests to be myself. A 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:14.160 big part of what drew me to Alex when we 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:17.000 first met back in two thousand nine was how much 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:21.640 he was truly himself. Some people, though, definitely made him 0:03:21.680 --> 0:03:24.400 feel like he was too much. It was a thing 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:28.000 he and his sister show she connected over. Both my 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:33.120 mom and my dad and Alex Andy all have dealt 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:37.560 with mental illness issues our whole life. I think that 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:42.920 just knowing that there's a stigma makes you feel different 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:45.160 and like an outsider and like you're too much for 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:48.240 people to handle, and that gets into your psyche and 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:52.840 it starts to wear on your confidence. Even the most 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:56.160 confident person in the world like Alex. You know. It's 0:03:56.200 --> 0:03:59.040 like eventually you hear it enough and you start to 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:04.080 ask yourself to be true, you know. But anyone who 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.520 thought that about Alex didn't see the full picture. He 0:04:07.640 --> 0:04:10.520 was a lot in all the best ways. He was 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:13.600 a lot because he chased his joy, went all in 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:19.080 on it. He was a prolific creator of the dumbest memes. 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:23.400 A viral red carpet photo of Dakota Fanning grimacing uncomfortably 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:27.040 would be fodder for weeks. Sample caption when he's been 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:29.159 your boyfriend for two days and says he wants to 0:04:29.360 --> 0:04:34.279 open the relationship. Then there were his infamous Taco Bell orders. 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:36.880 I'd list one of them, but we'd be here all day. 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:39.680 Just know it came out to about seventy nine dollars, 0:04:39.720 --> 0:04:42.520 which is hard to do it Taco Bell. And he 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:46.240 was utterly obsessed with roller coasters. When visiting my home 0:04:46.279 --> 0:04:49.320 state of Minnesota with me, he practically belined for the 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:53.400 indoor coasters at the Mall of America. When Alex loved something, 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:57.360 a hobby, a joke, a topic, he loved it hard. 0:04:57.880 --> 0:05:03.000 It consumed him. This was especially true of the people 0:05:03.080 --> 0:05:07.560 Alex loved. He loved me hard, especially from ten to 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:11.880 a difficult few years of transition and change for me. 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:16.599 During that time. He was always sending little videos or messages, 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:19.120 things intended to put a smile on my face and 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:22.159 remind me I was loved. But I don't think he 0:05:22.279 --> 0:05:26.640 loved anyone, not me, not his sister or parents, not 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:30.800 his best friends since childhood, no one harder than he 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:36.919 loved Britney Spears. When I say Alex loved Brittany, I 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:40.120 don't mean he saw her in concert every tour or 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:44.800 his wall was plastered with posters and magazine cutouts. I mean, 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:48.920 sure he knew every obscure fact about her, had entire 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:52.280 folders of photos of her on his laptop, had memorized 0:05:52.279 --> 0:05:55.880 the choreography to all of her music videos. But even 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:59.159 that isn't really what I mean. What I really mean 0:05:59.440 --> 0:06:03.120 is that he identified with her, felt he understood her, 0:06:03.680 --> 0:06:05.920 felt her path in life had been like his in 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:08.880 some way, even though their lives were very different in 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:13.400 all of the obvious surface level respects, or, as Alex 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:16.200 would probably put it, even though he was much much 0:06:16.240 --> 0:06:19.000 hairier than her. Well, first of all, he loved her 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:25.000 music first and foremost loved her music. That's Alex's best friend, Lexie. 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:30.440 I think he loved just her innocence, how she is 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:35.360 such a sweet person and this megastar. And I think 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:39.120 that like he sort of, like everybody else, idolizes her, 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:42.960 but then also sees she's a real person and felt 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:47.280 like deeply connected to that aspect of her. And he 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.800 loved the fact that she was so real, despite the 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:53.440 fact that she was like this mega star and iconic, 0:06:53.640 --> 0:06:58.000 she had faults, like a real person. She loved McDonald, 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:02.000 her life choices, were like not only hilarious and entertaining 0:07:02.040 --> 0:07:05.159 to him, but also so relatable and like, you know, 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:07.880 I think that he loved that, like she could embody 0:07:08.080 --> 0:07:10.320 all these different things at once, and I think that 0:07:10.360 --> 0:07:15.160 maybe he related to that too, and her struggles with 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:19.880 mental health. I think he felt deeply connected to and 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:24.240 I think that he felt like he knew her and 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:30.080 that they were friends or something. You know. Alex's relationships 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:33.280 with the people he loved most could be fraught. He'd 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:35.920 easily fall out of touch or even cut people off 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.720 completely sometimes. And though he and I didn't fight much, 0:07:40.080 --> 0:07:43.920 I'm from Minnesota, a land of notoriously conflict avoidant people. 0:07:44.640 --> 0:07:48.120 We could go periods without talking to. But while some 0:07:48.200 --> 0:07:52.720 of his closest relationships ebbed and flowed, Brittany was his constant. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:57.200 His adoration of her never wavered. She was the great, 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:04.960 unchanging love of his life. M found now the going 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:08.400 I know you kind of glue what to do with 0:08:09.120 --> 0:08:17.160 the check what you are, what you are saying? That's 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:21.320 Alex singing Britney song Womanizer. Over the years, he sent 0:08:21.400 --> 0:08:24.680 me so many clips of him singing Brittaney songs, or 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:28.160 even more often doing the choreography from her music videos. 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:32.000 I once tweeted out a compilation of video clips of 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:34.960 him performing the choreography from the music video for Britney 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:40.800 single Work Bitch, with his permission and encouragement. The compilation 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:45.360 is incredible, and it's also hilarious. In some of the clips, 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:48.360 he's doing the choreography in front of a gigantic canyon 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:52.560 and commands your attention away from the awesome view. In others, 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:56.560 he's wearing a terrible cheap wig and makes it look glamorous. 0:08:57.600 --> 0:09:00.000 In another, he's sitting in the back of a movie 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:03.040 pickup truck, not the backseat, the bed of the truck, 0:09:03.240 --> 0:09:07.559 and still doing the choreography flawlessly. Don't try this at home. 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:11.199 My favorite of the clips, though, is one where he's 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:13.640 house in dogs sitting for someone, and the dogs he's 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:16.480 watching keep getting in the way, especially when he gets 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:19.000 to the part of the choreography that calls for floor work. 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.959 He keeps moving through the routine even as dogtails swat 0:09:23.040 --> 0:09:28.280 his face. Alex was pretty much always thinking about Brittany, 0:09:28.280 --> 0:09:32.600 her heart, her life, her very public struggles. He knew 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:36.559 her moves, her music, the events of her career inside 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:40.600 out for you Britney fans. Yes, that's a reference. Alex 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:44.120 was obsessed with working her song titles into everyday conversation. 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:47.960 It was like he cared about her as much as 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:52.920 he cared about himself. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:56.439 talking about Alex in the past tense. Well. He could 0:09:56.480 --> 0:10:00.240 get through the choreography to work Bitch without stumbling, matter 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:04.440 what obstacles, Dogtail or otherwise got in his way. The 0:10:04.480 --> 0:10:09.120 obstacles of his life proved a lot more challenging. As 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.240 much space as Brittany took up in his head, something 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:17.120 else loomed even larger, his depression. He would get on 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:20.760 top of it, sometimes even for extended stretches, times when 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:23.720 he would seem like he was getting better, but it 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:27.760 was always there, waiting to pull him back down. One 0:10:27.800 --> 0:10:31.840 December evening in I received a message that changed my 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:34.720 life forever, a message that would send me on the 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:37.640 journey I'm on now. It was a week after I 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:39.880 turned in my second book to my editor and got 0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:43.240 back online after a three month social media break. I 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:46.199 was in my tiny studio apartment, cherishing the first three 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:48.680 days I had had in months. I sat at the 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:51.360 kitchen counter, my dog tuna asleep on the bed a 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:55.720 few feet away. As I mindlessly scrolled through Twitter, I 0:10:55.840 --> 0:10:59.200 noticed an unread email from a few minutes earlier, delivered 0:10:59.200 --> 0:11:04.000 at seven pm exactly. It was from Alex, who I 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:07.640 hadn't heard from all year, the longest we've ever gone 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:11.720 without talking. Actually, I had felt a steady drip of 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:14.920 worry over his prolonged absence, for sure, but I was 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:17.480 struggling with some major obstacles of my own at the time, 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:23.160 and for Alex disappearing was not unheard of. It was concerning, 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:26.120 but it also felt kind of par for the course 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:31.360 another one of his off the grid periods. Seeing the 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:35.680 emails subject line my name repeated three times, all in 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:41.360 lower case Chris. Chris. Chris filled me with a strange 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:47.000 mix of relief, finally a sign of him, and also dread. 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.240 Is this an email to tell me off for being absent? 0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:59.360 I wondered, for being a bad friend. But it wasn't that, Chris. 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.959 The email began. Listen, I'm writing to let you know 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:06.560 that when you receive this scheduled email, I will no 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:11.400 longer be alive. At first, I couldn't even make sense 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:14.600 of what I was reading. I just sat in front 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:18.920 of my computer frozen. When I felt like I could 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:22.520 move again, I emailed him back right away. I love 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:24.880 you so fucking much, I wrote, I've been trying to 0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:28.400 reach you. I really hope you see this. Please call me. 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:32.079 Then I grabbed my phone, scrolled to his contact and 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:35.920 hit call. Maybe he changed his mind, Maybe he forgot 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:38.840 to cancel this email. Maybe he was dying but not 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:42.160 dead and I could intervene. I had to at least try. 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:46.240 When I couldn't reach him over the phone, I texted 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:49.200 my friend Carrie. I didn't know what to do next, 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:52.600 and frankly, I needed someone outside the situation to confirm 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:57.559 that this was really happening. Kerry, who's a talented investigative journalist, 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:01.200 offered to help arrange a wellness check, but as I 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:04.280 spoke with her, I realized that, despite my once frequent 0:13:04.360 --> 0:13:07.400 contact with Alex, I had no idea what his current 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:10.760 address even was. I found a photo he had sent 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:12.960 me of a letter from the city about a parking ticket, 0:13:13.200 --> 0:13:17.880 and after zooming in, I deciphered the address. With that 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.439 in hand, Carrie helped me reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:24.440 whose volunteers calmly offered to help send someone to check 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:27.880 at the address. He hadn't lived there in months, though, 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:30.520 and the new residents had no clue where he had gone. 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:35.120 Feeling out of options, I sat there rereading his email 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:38.640 over and over, looking for any sort of clue in 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:42.440 it that he might be okay, while messaging anyone I 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.720 could find, his friend Beth, who he had connected me 0:13:45.760 --> 0:13:49.280 with over Twitter, strangers he was tagged in photos with 0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:53.439 on Instagram, anyone I could find online, trying to locate 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:55.600 someone who could track him down and tell me it 0:13:55.760 --> 0:14:00.480 wasn't true. As I did that, Carrie worked to find 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:03.680 his family's contact information online, and I would eventually reach 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:06.680 them by the end of the night. But in the 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:11.080 time in between, while I waited to hear back from someone, anyone, 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:14.320 I paced the tight space between my computer and my 0:14:14.400 --> 0:14:19.040 bad nauseous, before collapsing onto my sheets, wrapping Tuna in 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:23.440 my arms and refusing to let go. They wouldn't find 0:14:23.480 --> 0:14:25.920 his body for another day, but as I held my 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:29.880 normally very aloof dog close, I knew that Alex was gone. 0:14:31.480 --> 0:14:34.160 Even now, the immensity of what I felt in that 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:39.160 moment evades words. It was the thing Alex sometimes feared 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:46.360 he was. It was too much. Outside of the shock 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:49.440 of its very existence. Much of Alex's goodbye email to 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:53.200 me was unsurprising. He even did his signature thing of 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.720 working Brittany references into the text. But near the end 0:14:56.760 --> 0:15:00.320 of his email, almost as a kind of afterthought, was 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:06.520 a SoundCloud link. Oh, he wrote, here's Alice Recordings. I 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:08.880 didn't click the link in the overwhelming panic of that 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:11.280 first night, but the next day I followed it to 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:15.000 a private SoundCloud page, one only accessible to someone given 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:21.160 the link. The page was simple, just two audio files. 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:24.800 The account's display name was all in lower case Hillary 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:28.440 d I assume for the Disney star and musician Hillary Duff. 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:31.480 He loved using celebrity names for random things like this. 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.680 One time he created a profile on Venmo under the 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:37.320 name Nicole Ritchie and used it to send me three 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:39.440 cents out of the blue, just so I'd get a 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:43.040 notification that Nicole Ritchie had sent me money. In the 0:15:43.080 --> 0:15:45.320 space where you put with the payments for he wrote 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:49.760 Savage Garden c D. The first of the two audio 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:52.400 files had Part two in the file name, even though 0:15:52.440 --> 0:15:55.680 there was no sign of a part one. Very Alex, 0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:58.840 I hit play on the second clip, the one that 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:02.760 didn't say part in case it was part one, it wasn't. 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:07.440 The first thing I heard was her my Twitter. My 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:11.800 Twitter is Banana Alan and I created it today and 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:21.880 um Banana Allen Alice. Hearing her that voice, that laugh, 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:25.200 I was immediately flooded with memories of Alex telling me 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:29.479 about her, this mysterious figure he met online, A mysterious 0:16:29.520 --> 0:16:34.640 figure who happens to sound eerily similar to Britney Spears. Yeah, 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:37.040 I didn't understand. I don't think. I really don't think 0:16:37.080 --> 0:16:40.160 Britney Spears would go on a tiny chat and talking 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:44.320 to her. I really don't doubt it. Alex had told 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:47.400 me about Alice, but before receiving his goodbye email, I 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:50.360 hadn't thought about her in years. For a period of 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:54.200 time in the early Alice would appear in online spaces 0:16:54.320 --> 0:16:57.600 frequented by obsessed Britney fans, talking with them in a 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:00.800 voice chat room and tweeting under the handle Banana Alice 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:03.560 Banana as in the name of the snake used in 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:09.160 Brittany's iconic two thous performance. Alice would coyly deny being 0:17:09.160 --> 0:17:13.240 Brittany when asked, before laughing exactly like the elusive pop star. 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:29.879 Oh my god, that was Alice. Here's Brittany. Brittany laughs 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:33.240 a lot, and her laughter is infectious, but there have 0:17:33.280 --> 0:17:35.840 been stretches where her fans have gone without hearing it 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.840 as much, especially since two thousand seven, one of the 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:43.800 most tumultuous years of her career. In two thousand seven, 0:17:43.840 --> 0:17:48.080 Brittany was everywhere, on the cover of every celebrity magazine, 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:51.760 the top of every gossip blog. Cable news covered her 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:55.600 every move, every outing, every court date, every outrageous joke 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:58.240 she made to whichever member of the paparazzi was within 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:03.320 earshot to make a turn out. What would they let 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:06.000 you in Britney? What do you think, Air, I mean 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:14.160 I can get on the hop? Yeah right. This time 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:16.720 in Britney's life is seared in the minds of those 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:19.560 of us who came of age with her. The custody battles, 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:24.120 head shaving, supposedly disastrous Vimes performance of Give Me More, 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:27.639 which for the record, I really enjoyed, and all the 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.960 signs of distress that talk show hosts and comedians used 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:34.520 as low hanging joke fodder. You know, Britney still thinks 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:36.879 the earth is flat, We're going to tune in to 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:40.000 see her, you know, if she can sort of function 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:44.280 through the thing right, something Britney Spears has lost in 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:52.080 the past year. Her eyes were open, her lips were moving, 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:55.480 She remade conscious the entire time. It was the greatest 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:59.240 impression of an office worker embarrassing themselves at a holiday 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:03.879 party I have ever seen. Brittany emerged with a bang 0:19:04.000 --> 0:19:08.000 as the biggest star in the world, but less than 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:11.160 a decade later, to the world she was coming undone. 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:15.439 Newspapers readied her obituary to go to press at a 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.679 moment's notice, as the public settled in with popcorn to 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:21.679 witness the spectacle of her dark night of the soul. 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:26.320 While much of the world pointed and laughed, this difficult 0:19:26.400 --> 0:19:29.760 time in Brittany's life had a different impact on some. 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:33.720 It not only endeared her to many of her already 0:19:33.800 --> 0:19:38.199 adoring fans, it also cracked open the hard exterior of 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:41.760 some people like me, who either hadn't paid her much 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:46.159 notice or had even dismissed her growing up. We became 0:19:46.200 --> 0:19:49.440 invested in her and her well being after seeing her struggle. 0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:54.159 We watched in worry as she spiraled and felt immense 0:19:54.280 --> 0:19:56.920 joy as she seemed to climb her way back out. 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:01.240 Alice denied being Brittany, but some of the fans who 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:04.760 spent full days on Brittany fan forums were convinced otherwise 0:20:05.480 --> 0:20:09.360 because of her voice, but also smaller things, subtle mannerisms, 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:12.720 little moments that betrayed a vulnerability like the kind they 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:16.680 saw in Brittany. And these were the fans, like Alex, 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:23.080 who felt that they knew Brittany best. The prospect that 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:25.560 Alice and Brittany were one and the same would have 0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:29.359 been thrilling. Here perhaps was a chance to connect with 0:20:29.400 --> 0:20:34.119 the unreachable star that they felt they already knew. Even 0:20:34.160 --> 0:20:38.840 I have to admit, Alice sounds just like Brittany. The light, 0:20:38.960 --> 0:20:43.000 vocal fry, the playful candor, every word almost like a wink. 0:20:43.920 --> 0:20:50.680 If I ever said her name, yeah, would I continued 0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:53.840 listening to the audio. At one point, the other people 0:20:53.840 --> 0:20:56.639 in the chat room with Alice begin discussing the rumors that, 0:20:56.720 --> 0:20:59.920 under her strict conservatorship. More on that in a minute, 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:03.479 Brittany doesn't have access to a phone or computer, an 0:21:03.520 --> 0:21:08.480 idea that's persisted among many Britney fans for years. It's 0:21:09.880 --> 0:21:16.479 a computer, Uh, I think Brittany knows that computer she 0:21:16.520 --> 0:21:21.960 doesn't have all, and she didn't have a computer, I'm 0:21:21.960 --> 0:21:25.199 sure she has like a mac bug or something. Listening 0:21:25.240 --> 0:21:27.960 to this clip, it's strange to hear them talk about 0:21:27.960 --> 0:21:30.600 Brittany as if she isn't there well at the same 0:21:30.640 --> 0:21:33.719 time knowing some of them think, or at least hope, 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:37.040 that Alice is Brittany. It's like they're trying to wink 0:21:37.080 --> 0:21:40.520 and nudge her into confessing who she is. The pokes 0:21:40.520 --> 0:21:43.840 almost work. Alice clears her throat in that clip, like 0:21:43.920 --> 0:21:46.760 she wants to correct them or just remind them that 0:21:46.840 --> 0:21:51.800 she's still there listening, but the winks and nudges continue. So, Alice, 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:53.760 do people ever think you're Brittany? Like when you're just 0:21:54.440 --> 0:21:56.520 out and about on your daily routine that I think 0:21:56.560 --> 0:22:00.159 your Brittany. Ever? Alice doesn't take the bait though, No, 0:22:00.320 --> 0:22:07.879 because I don't look like her at all. They're playing 0:22:07.880 --> 0:22:10.160 a kind of tug of war with Alice, but behind 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:14.159 the prodding there are serious concerns. This idea that Brittany 0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:16.720 either doesn't know how to work a computer or doesn't 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:19.439 have one at all, is driven by years of speculation 0:22:19.680 --> 0:22:22.600 about Britney's lack of freedom and how isolated she may be. 0:22:24.160 --> 0:22:27.399 In two thousand eight, Brittany was placed under a conservatorship, 0:22:27.480 --> 0:22:29.879 which put her under the care of her father and 0:22:30.000 --> 0:22:34.040 essentially gave him full legal control over her life, her career, 0:22:34.240 --> 0:22:38.919 and with a co conservator, her finances. If you're not familiar, 0:22:39.000 --> 0:22:42.480 a conservatorship is a legal arrangement typically reserved for people 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:46.200 living with dementia or a profound mental illness that makes 0:22:46.280 --> 0:22:51.040 everyday functioning difficult. In other words, it's really only instituted 0:22:51.040 --> 0:22:55.040 in the most extreme circumstances where a person cannot care 0:22:55.080 --> 0:22:59.800 for themselves or make sound decisions in their own best interest. Yet, 0:23:00.040 --> 0:23:03.119 less than a year after being placed under her conservatorship, 0:23:03.400 --> 0:23:07.520 Brittany kicked off a massive comeback, reaching heights she hadn't 0:23:07.520 --> 0:23:12.040 since her debut, several number one singles, multiple album releases, 0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:17.760 world tours, and eventually an immensely profitable Las Vegas residency. 0:23:18.440 --> 0:23:21.800 With each passing year of Brittany's conservatorship, her fans grew 0:23:21.880 --> 0:23:25.880 more concerned. They started scouring her social media for clues 0:23:25.920 --> 0:23:28.520 that she was trying to signal displeasure with the arrangement 0:23:28.560 --> 0:23:31.919 to the world, discussing some of her leaked songs like 0:23:32.000 --> 0:23:36.280 Rebellion and trying to decode messages in the lyrics, circulating 0:23:36.359 --> 0:23:39.800 handwritten notes purportedly authored by Brittany herself early on in 0:23:39.840 --> 0:23:42.520 her conservatorship, in which she says she wants to be 0:23:42.520 --> 0:23:45.960 out of it, tweeting clips from for the Record, a 0:23:46.040 --> 0:23:49.000 documentary produced for her comeback in two thousand eight, which 0:23:49.040 --> 0:23:51.840 is full of moments where Brittney talks about how controlled 0:23:51.880 --> 0:23:56.320 and orchestrated her life feels. Fan concerns reached a fever 0:23:56.400 --> 0:24:00.320 pitch in the final year of Alex's life when Brittany 0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:03.159 canceled her second Las Vegas residency not long after it 0:24:03.240 --> 0:24:07.399 was announced and went quiet on social media. Months later, 0:24:07.520 --> 0:24:10.840 it was reported she had checked into a mental health facility, 0:24:11.040 --> 0:24:13.399 and some thought she was made to do so against 0:24:13.400 --> 0:24:17.440 her will. There was speculation that her Instagram account, one 0:24:17.440 --> 0:24:20.760 of the few places she seemed to present her unvarnished self, 0:24:21.400 --> 0:24:25.760 wasn't run by Brittany anymore. Her captions, for instance, were 0:24:25.800 --> 0:24:28.920 known for being littered with emojis, but a post after 0:24:29.040 --> 0:24:32.200 checking into the facility featured an out of place, low 0:24:32.280 --> 0:24:36.400 fi emoticon. It was a small detail, but to die 0:24:36.440 --> 0:24:41.240 hard fans something felt off. From then on, her Instagram 0:24:41.280 --> 0:24:44.840 comments were dominated by people picking apart her posts and 0:24:44.880 --> 0:24:49.199 digging for meaning. Three emojis mean s O S and 0:24:49.240 --> 0:24:53.240 red always means alarm. If you need help, wear yellow 0:24:53.280 --> 0:24:56.760 in your next video. Brittany post a picture of a painting. 0:24:56.840 --> 0:25:00.359 Next if you're not okay. See this was posted into December, 0:25:00.480 --> 0:25:03.120 but I think it's really from the trip posted in October. 0:25:03.359 --> 0:25:07.320 There's something with that tree. Guys, She's always near that tree, 0:25:07.520 --> 0:25:10.240 praying for your freedom. You're not alone. We'd love you. 0:25:13.880 --> 0:25:17.159 After that, the speculation had gained enough traction that the 0:25:17.240 --> 0:25:21.600 digitally driven Free Brittany movement, once a fringe idea among 0:25:21.680 --> 0:25:26.520 her most dedicated fans, began breaking into the mainstream. It's 0:25:26.560 --> 0:25:30.119 the Battle over Brittany. Pop star Britney Spears parents faced 0:25:30.119 --> 0:25:33.640 off in court as they fight over conservatorship of their 0:25:33.720 --> 0:25:36.879 daughter Leslie Marinez live in downtown l A. With the 0:25:36.960 --> 0:25:40.560 tails on the battle over conservatorship and the fan movement 0:25:40.600 --> 0:25:47.760 to Free Brittany. By six months after I got Alex's email, 0:25:48.040 --> 0:25:51.440 questions about Britney's well being were all over the Internet. 0:25:52.080 --> 0:25:54.959 They reached far beyond a core group of fans like 0:25:55.000 --> 0:25:58.320 those in Alice's chat room, or the handful of protesters 0:25:58.320 --> 0:26:03.920 who picketed conservatorship or at hearings. Even before New York 0:26:03.920 --> 0:26:07.359 Times documentary on Brittany's Conservatorship launched the movement to the 0:26:07.400 --> 0:26:11.679 next level, hashtag free Brittany would regularly trend on Twitter 0:26:11.760 --> 0:26:14.520 and TikTok's suggesting she has no control over her life 0:26:14.560 --> 0:26:19.240 accumulated millions of views. The comments that flood Brittany's Instagram 0:26:19.320 --> 0:26:23.720 posts now are primarily focused on her well being. They 0:26:23.760 --> 0:26:29.240 are passionate and mostly sympathetic. By and large, the conversation 0:26:29.280 --> 0:26:33.280 about Britney's mental health looks and feels very different now 0:26:33.400 --> 0:26:36.000 than it did just a decade ago. When Alex and 0:26:36.040 --> 0:26:39.080 I first bonded over how much we loved her. We 0:26:39.080 --> 0:26:43.359