1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:05,720 Speaker 1: Hi there. Before this episode begins, I want to make 2 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,080 Speaker 1: sure you know that this series gets into some things 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: that might be triggering to some listeners, specifically depression and suicide. 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,799 Speaker 1: please seek assistance from a mental health professional, or visit 6 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,800 Speaker 1: the National Institute of Mental Health website at n I 7 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,760 Speaker 1: m H dot, ni H dot g o V for resources. 8 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: If you're currently in crisis, you can call one hundred 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:35,680 Speaker 1: to seven three talk that's eight to five, or text 10 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,879 Speaker 1: Hello to seven one seven for one to speak to 11 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: someone immediately. Thanks for listening. Oh yeah, I don't understand. 12 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,480 Speaker 1: I don't think. I really don't think Britney Spears would 13 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:50,240 Speaker 1: go on a tiny jet and talk to you you. But 14 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: I really don't a doubt it. I'm Chris Studman and 15 00:00:54,920 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 1: this is unread episode one. Email my heart, call them 16 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:16,399 Speaker 1: back all the little clothes, open threats. That's still same 17 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 1: for you. I gathered in sen deviceces faceco breaking the 18 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:41,759 Speaker 1: eyes floor too so fast. Now. I hope you're having 19 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 1: a great day. I'm going to camping today. We actually 20 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 1: I'm only going hiking. See, I'm just a guy guy. 21 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,480 Speaker 1: I'm gonna go to a pay type racks and in 22 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: one weekend manish in those Spears before a last me days. 23 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 1: Can I get a want? What? What? Why? That's my 24 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:10,359 Speaker 1: friend alex In. We spoke over the phone and texted often, 25 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,080 Speaker 1: but he also loved to send me life updates via 26 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 1: video message, little dispatches from his world. Like most of 27 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: his updates, this one included some news about Britney Spears, 28 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 1: the pop princess we both loved, who was in the 29 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 1: middle of her very successful Las Vegas residency. Piece of me. 30 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: This is probably obvious, but yes, his voice is altered 31 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 1: by an Instagram filter in that video. Here he is 32 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 1: without a filter from another video message he sent me, 33 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 1: this one four years later. Oh we're rolling well. Um, 34 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 1: I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You 35 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 1: know this is a big year for you. Whoo whoop whoop? Whoop? 36 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: Whoop whoop? Can I get a whoop? Whoop? Can I 37 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:54,800 Speaker 1: get a whoo whoop? I just got a whoop whoop? 38 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 1: Too much? Some people thought Alex was, as he said, 39 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,919 Speaker 1: too much, but me I couldn't get enough of his intensity, 40 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 1: his zeal for life. As someone who sometimes struggles to 41 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 1: embrace my own passions or interests to be myself. A 42 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 1: big part of what drew me to Alex when we 43 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,000 Speaker 1: first met back in two thousand nine was how much 44 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,640 Speaker 1: he was truly himself. Some people, though, definitely made him 45 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 1: feel like he was too much. It was a thing 46 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: he and his sister show she connected over. Both my 47 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:33,120 Speaker 1: mom and my dad and Alex Andy all have dealt 48 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 1: with mental illness issues our whole life. I think that 49 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: just knowing that there's a stigma makes you feel different 50 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 1: and like an outsider and like you're too much for 51 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 1: people to handle, and that gets into your psyche and 52 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 1: it starts to wear on your confidence. Even the most 53 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 1: confident person in the world like Alex. You know. It's 54 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: like eventually you hear it enough and you start to 55 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 1: ask yourself to be true, you know. But anyone who 56 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 1: thought that about Alex didn't see the full picture. He 57 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: was a lot in all the best ways. He was 58 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 1: a lot because he chased his joy, went all in 59 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: on it. He was a prolific creator of the dumbest memes. 60 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: A viral red carpet photo of Dakota Fanning grimacing uncomfortably 61 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,040 Speaker 1: would be fodder for weeks. Sample caption when he's been 62 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 1: your boyfriend for two days and says he wants to 63 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:34,279 Speaker 1: open the relationship. Then there were his infamous Taco Bell orders. 64 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: I'd list one of them, but we'd be here all day. 65 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 1: Just know it came out to about seventy nine dollars, 66 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: which is hard to do it Taco Bell. And he 67 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,240 Speaker 1: was utterly obsessed with roller coasters. When visiting my home 68 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: state of Minnesota with me, he practically belined for the 69 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: indoor coasters at the Mall of America. When Alex loved something, 70 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,360 Speaker 1: a hobby, a joke, a topic, he loved it hard. 71 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 1: It consumed him. This was especially true of the people 72 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: Alex loved. He loved me hard, especially from ten to 73 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 1: a difficult few years of transition and change for me. 74 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:16,599 Speaker 1: During that time. He was always sending little videos or messages, 75 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: things intended to put a smile on my face and 76 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,159 Speaker 1: remind me I was loved. But I don't think he 77 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 1: loved anyone, not me, not his sister or parents, not 78 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 1: his best friends since childhood, no one harder than he 79 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:36,919 Speaker 1: loved Britney Spears. When I say Alex loved Brittany, I 80 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 1: don't mean he saw her in concert every tour or 81 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 1: his wall was plastered with posters and magazine cutouts. I mean, 82 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 1: sure he knew every obscure fact about her, had entire 83 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,280 Speaker 1: folders of photos of her on his laptop, had memorized 84 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: the choreography to all of her music videos. But even 85 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,159 Speaker 1: that isn't really what I mean. What I really mean 86 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 1: is that he identified with her, felt he understood her, 87 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,920 Speaker 1: felt her path in life had been like his in 88 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 1: some way, even though their lives were very different in 89 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:13,400 Speaker 1: all of the obvious surface level respects, or, as Alex 90 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 1: would probably put it, even though he was much much 91 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: hairier than her. Well, first of all, he loved her 92 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: music first and foremost loved her music. That's Alex's best friend, Lexie. 93 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 1: I think he loved just her innocence, how she is 94 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 1: such a sweet person and this megastar. And I think 95 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,120 Speaker 1: that like he sort of, like everybody else, idolizes her, 96 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 1: but then also sees she's a real person and felt 97 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,280 Speaker 1: like deeply connected to that aspect of her. And he 98 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: loved the fact that she was so real, despite the 99 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,440 Speaker 1: fact that she was like this mega star and iconic, 100 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 1: she had faults, like a real person. She loved McDonald, 101 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: her life choices, were like not only hilarious and entertaining 102 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:05,159 Speaker 1: to him, but also so relatable and like, you know, 103 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,880 Speaker 1: I think that he loved that, like she could embody 104 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: all these different things at once, and I think that 105 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 1: maybe he related to that too, and her struggles with 106 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:19,880 Speaker 1: mental health. I think he felt deeply connected to and 107 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:24,240 Speaker 1: I think that he felt like he knew her and 108 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 1: that they were friends or something. You know. Alex's relationships 109 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: with the people he loved most could be fraught. He'd 110 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 1: easily fall out of touch or even cut people off 111 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 1: completely sometimes. And though he and I didn't fight much, 112 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: I'm from Minnesota, a land of notoriously conflict avoidant people. 113 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: We could go periods without talking to. But while some 114 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 1: of his closest relationships ebbed and flowed, Brittany was his constant. 115 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 1: His adoration of her never wavered. She was the great, 116 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: unchanging love of his life. M found now the going 117 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,400 Speaker 1: I know you kind of glue what to do with 118 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: the check what you are, what you are saying? That's 119 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 1: Alex singing Britney song Womanizer. Over the years, he sent 120 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: me so many clips of him singing Brittaney songs, or 121 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: even more often doing the choreography from her music videos. 122 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: I once tweeted out a compilation of video clips of 123 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,960 Speaker 1: him performing the choreography from the music video for Britney 124 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:40,800 Speaker 1: single Work Bitch, with his permission and encouragement. The compilation 125 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: is incredible, and it's also hilarious. In some of the clips, 126 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: he's doing the choreography in front of a gigantic canyon 127 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:52,560 Speaker 1: and commands your attention away from the awesome view. In others, 128 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 1: he's wearing a terrible cheap wig and makes it look glamorous. 129 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: In another, he's sitting in the back of a movie 130 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 1: pickup truck, not the backseat, the bed of the truck, 131 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:07,559 Speaker 1: and still doing the choreography flawlessly. Don't try this at home. 132 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,199 Speaker 1: My favorite of the clips, though, is one where he's 133 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: house in dogs sitting for someone, and the dogs he's 134 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 1: watching keep getting in the way, especially when he gets 135 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 1: to the part of the choreography that calls for floor work. 136 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,959 Speaker 1: He keeps moving through the routine even as dogtails swat 137 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 1: his face. Alex was pretty much always thinking about Brittany, 138 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:32,600 Speaker 1: her heart, her life, her very public struggles. He knew 139 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,559 Speaker 1: her moves, her music, the events of her career inside 140 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: out for you Britney fans. Yes, that's a reference. Alex 141 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 1: was obsessed with working her song titles into everyday conversation. 142 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:47,960 Speaker 1: It was like he cared about her as much as 143 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: he cared about himself. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm 144 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,439 Speaker 1: talking about Alex in the past tense. Well. He could 145 00:09:56,480 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 1: get through the choreography to work Bitch without stumbling, matter 146 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,440 Speaker 1: what obstacles, Dogtail or otherwise got in his way. The 147 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:09,120 Speaker 1: obstacles of his life proved a lot more challenging. As 148 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,240 Speaker 1: much space as Brittany took up in his head, something 149 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: else loomed even larger, his depression. He would get on 150 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 1: top of it, sometimes even for extended stretches, times when 151 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,720 Speaker 1: he would seem like he was getting better, but it 152 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 1: was always there, waiting to pull him back down. One 153 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,840 Speaker 1: December evening in I received a message that changed my 154 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 1: life forever, a message that would send me on the 155 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 1: journey I'm on now. It was a week after I 156 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 1: turned in my second book to my editor and got 157 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 1: back online after a three month social media break. I 158 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,199 Speaker 1: was in my tiny studio apartment, cherishing the first three 159 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,680 Speaker 1: days I had had in months. I sat at the 160 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: kitchen counter, my dog tuna asleep on the bed a 161 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: few feet away. As I mindlessly scrolled through Twitter, I 162 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 1: noticed an unread email from a few minutes earlier, delivered 163 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: at seven pm exactly. It was from Alex, who I 164 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 1: hadn't heard from all year, the longest we've ever gone 165 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,720 Speaker 1: without talking. Actually, I had felt a steady drip of 166 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: worry over his prolonged absence, for sure, but I was 167 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 1: struggling with some major obstacles of my own at the time, 168 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 1: and for Alex disappearing was not unheard of. It was concerning, 169 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 1: but it also felt kind of par for the course 170 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:31,360 Speaker 1: another one of his off the grid periods. Seeing the 171 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:35,680 Speaker 1: emails subject line my name repeated three times, all in 172 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 1: lower case Chris. Chris. Chris filled me with a strange 173 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: mix of relief, finally a sign of him, and also dread. 174 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: Is this an email to tell me off for being absent? 175 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:59,360 Speaker 1: I wondered, for being a bad friend. But it wasn't that, Chris. 176 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,959 Speaker 1: The email began. Listen, I'm writing to let you know 177 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 1: that when you receive this scheduled email, I will no 178 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 1: longer be alive. At first, I couldn't even make sense 179 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,600 Speaker 1: of what I was reading. I just sat in front 180 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,920 Speaker 1: of my computer frozen. When I felt like I could 181 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 1: move again, I emailed him back right away. I love 182 00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 1: you so fucking much, I wrote, I've been trying to 183 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 1: reach you. I really hope you see this. Please call me. 184 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:32,079 Speaker 1: Then I grabbed my phone, scrolled to his contact and 185 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: hit call. Maybe he changed his mind, Maybe he forgot 186 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 1: to cancel this email. Maybe he was dying but not 187 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,160 Speaker 1: dead and I could intervene. I had to at least try. 188 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: When I couldn't reach him over the phone, I texted 189 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: my friend Carrie. I didn't know what to do next, 190 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,600 Speaker 1: and frankly, I needed someone outside the situation to confirm 191 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:57,559 Speaker 1: that this was really happening. Kerry, who's a talented investigative journalist, 192 00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:01,200 Speaker 1: offered to help arrange a wellness check, but as I 193 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 1: spoke with her, I realized that, despite my once frequent 194 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: contact with Alex, I had no idea what his current 195 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 1: address even was. I found a photo he had sent 196 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 1: me of a letter from the city about a parking ticket, 197 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: and after zooming in, I deciphered the address. With that 198 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,439 Speaker 1: in hand, Carrie helped me reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 199 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:24,440 Speaker 1: whose volunteers calmly offered to help send someone to check 200 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 1: at the address. He hadn't lived there in months, though, 201 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: and the new residents had no clue where he had gone. 202 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: Feeling out of options, I sat there rereading his email 203 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,640 Speaker 1: over and over, looking for any sort of clue in 204 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 1: it that he might be okay, while messaging anyone I 205 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: could find, his friend Beth, who he had connected me 206 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,280 Speaker 1: with over Twitter, strangers he was tagged in photos with 207 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,439 Speaker 1: on Instagram, anyone I could find online, trying to locate 208 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 1: someone who could track him down and tell me it 209 00:13:55,760 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 1: wasn't true. As I did that, Carrie worked to find 210 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,680 Speaker 1: his family's contact information online, and I would eventually reach 211 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,680 Speaker 1: them by the end of the night. But in the 212 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 1: time in between, while I waited to hear back from someone, anyone, 213 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,320 Speaker 1: I paced the tight space between my computer and my 214 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:19,040 Speaker 1: bad nauseous, before collapsing onto my sheets, wrapping Tuna in 215 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: my arms and refusing to let go. They wouldn't find 216 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,920 Speaker 1: his body for another day, but as I held my 217 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 1: normally very aloof dog close, I knew that Alex was gone. 218 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 1: Even now, the immensity of what I felt in that 219 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:39,160 Speaker 1: moment evades words. It was the thing Alex sometimes feared 220 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: he was. It was too much. Outside of the shock 221 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: of its very existence. Much of Alex's goodbye email to 222 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:53,200 Speaker 1: me was unsurprising. He even did his signature thing of 223 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 1: working Brittany references into the text. But near the end 224 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 1: of his email, almost as a kind of afterthought, was 225 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 1: a SoundCloud link. Oh, he wrote, here's Alice Recordings. I 226 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 1: didn't click the link in the overwhelming panic of that 227 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,280 Speaker 1: first night, but the next day I followed it to 228 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: a private SoundCloud page, one only accessible to someone given 229 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 1: the link. The page was simple, just two audio files. 230 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,800 Speaker 1: The account's display name was all in lower case Hillary 231 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,440 Speaker 1: d I assume for the Disney star and musician Hillary Duff. 232 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,480 Speaker 1: He loved using celebrity names for random things like this. 233 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,680 Speaker 1: One time he created a profile on Venmo under the 234 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: name Nicole Ritchie and used it to send me three 235 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 1: cents out of the blue, just so I'd get a 236 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: notification that Nicole Ritchie had sent me money. In the 237 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 1: space where you put with the payments for he wrote 238 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: Savage Garden c D. The first of the two audio 239 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,400 Speaker 1: files had Part two in the file name, even though 240 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: there was no sign of a part one. Very Alex, 241 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 1: I hit play on the second clip, the one that 242 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: didn't say part in case it was part one, it wasn't. 243 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 1: The first thing I heard was her my Twitter. My 244 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: Twitter is Banana Alan and I created it today and 245 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 1: um Banana Allen Alice. Hearing her that voice, that laugh, 246 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,200 Speaker 1: I was immediately flooded with memories of Alex telling me 247 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:29,479 Speaker 1: about her, this mysterious figure he met online, A mysterious 248 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:34,640 Speaker 1: figure who happens to sound eerily similar to Britney Spears. Yeah, 249 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: I didn't understand. I don't think. I really don't think 250 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 1: Britney Spears would go on a tiny chat and talking 251 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,320 Speaker 1: to her. I really don't doubt it. Alex had told 252 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,400 Speaker 1: me about Alice, but before receiving his goodbye email, I 253 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 1: hadn't thought about her in years. For a period of 254 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: time in the early Alice would appear in online spaces 255 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: frequented by obsessed Britney fans, talking with them in a 256 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: voice chat room and tweeting under the handle Banana Alice 257 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: Banana as in the name of the snake used in 258 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:09,160 Speaker 1: Brittany's iconic two thous performance. Alice would coyly deny being 259 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: Brittany when asked, before laughing exactly like the elusive pop star. 260 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:29,879 Speaker 1: Oh my god, that was Alice. Here's Brittany. Brittany laughs 261 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,240 Speaker 1: a lot, and her laughter is infectious, but there have 262 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: been stretches where her fans have gone without hearing it 263 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: as much, especially since two thousand seven, one of the 264 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 1: most tumultuous years of her career. In two thousand seven, 265 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:48,080 Speaker 1: Brittany was everywhere, on the cover of every celebrity magazine, 266 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 1: the top of every gossip blog. Cable news covered her 267 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:55,600 Speaker 1: every move, every outing, every court date, every outrageous joke 268 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: she made to whichever member of the paparazzi was within 269 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 1: earshot to make a turn out. What would they let 270 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: you in Britney? What do you think, Air, I mean 271 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:14,160 Speaker 1: I can get on the hop? Yeah right. This time 272 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 1: in Britney's life is seared in the minds of those 273 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 1: of us who came of age with her. The custody battles, 274 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:24,120 Speaker 1: head shaving, supposedly disastrous Vimes performance of Give Me More, 275 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,639 Speaker 1: which for the record, I really enjoyed, and all the 276 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: signs of distress that talk show hosts and comedians used 277 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: as low hanging joke fodder. You know, Britney still thinks 278 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,879 Speaker 1: the earth is flat, We're going to tune in to 279 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,000 Speaker 1: see her, you know, if she can sort of function 280 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,280 Speaker 1: through the thing right, something Britney Spears has lost in 281 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: the past year. Her eyes were open, her lips were moving, 282 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:55,480 Speaker 1: She remade conscious the entire time. It was the greatest 283 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 1: impression of an office worker embarrassing themselves at a holiday 284 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,879 Speaker 1: party I have ever seen. Brittany emerged with a bang 285 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,000 Speaker 1: as the biggest star in the world, but less than 286 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,160 Speaker 1: a decade later, to the world she was coming undone. 287 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,439 Speaker 1: Newspapers readied her obituary to go to press at a 288 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,679 Speaker 1: moment's notice, as the public settled in with popcorn to 289 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,679 Speaker 1: witness the spectacle of her dark night of the soul. 290 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,320 Speaker 1: While much of the world pointed and laughed, this difficult 291 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,760 Speaker 1: time in Brittany's life had a different impact on some. 292 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,720 Speaker 1: It not only endeared her to many of her already 293 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:38,199 Speaker 1: adoring fans, it also cracked open the hard exterior of 294 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 1: some people like me, who either hadn't paid her much 295 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:46,159 Speaker 1: notice or had even dismissed her growing up. We became 296 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,440 Speaker 1: invested in her and her well being after seeing her struggle. 297 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:54,159 Speaker 1: We watched in worry as she spiraled and felt immense 298 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,920 Speaker 1: joy as she seemed to climb her way back out. 299 00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 1: Alice denied being Brittany, but some of the fans who 300 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 1: spent full days on Brittany fan forums were convinced otherwise 301 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:09,360 Speaker 1: because of her voice, but also smaller things, subtle mannerisms, 302 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,720 Speaker 1: little moments that betrayed a vulnerability like the kind they 303 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:16,680 Speaker 1: saw in Brittany. And these were the fans, like Alex, 304 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:23,080 Speaker 1: who felt that they knew Brittany best. The prospect that 305 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: Alice and Brittany were one and the same would have 306 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 1: been thrilling. Here perhaps was a chance to connect with 307 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:34,119 Speaker 1: the unreachable star that they felt they already knew. Even 308 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 1: I have to admit, Alice sounds just like Brittany. The light, 309 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,000 Speaker 1: vocal fry, the playful candor, every word almost like a wink. 310 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:50,680 Speaker 1: If I ever said her name, yeah, would I continued 311 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 1: listening to the audio. At one point, the other people 312 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,639 Speaker 1: in the chat room with Alice begin discussing the rumors that, 313 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,920 Speaker 1: under her strict conservatorship. More on that in a minute, 314 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,479 Speaker 1: Brittany doesn't have access to a phone or computer, an 315 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 1: idea that's persisted among many Britney fans for years. It's 316 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:16,479 Speaker 1: a computer, Uh, I think Brittany knows that computer she 317 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:21,960 Speaker 1: doesn't have all, and she didn't have a computer, I'm 318 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,199 Speaker 1: sure she has like a mac bug or something. Listening 319 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,960 Speaker 1: to this clip, it's strange to hear them talk about 320 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: Brittany as if she isn't there well at the same 321 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,719 Speaker 1: time knowing some of them think, or at least hope, 322 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: that Alice is Brittany. It's like they're trying to wink 323 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: and nudge her into confessing who she is. The pokes 324 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 1: almost work. Alice clears her throat in that clip, like 325 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,760 Speaker 1: she wants to correct them or just remind them that 326 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:51,800 Speaker 1: she's still there listening, but the winks and nudges continue. So, Alice, 327 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,760 Speaker 1: do people ever think you're Brittany? Like when you're just 328 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,520 Speaker 1: out and about on your daily routine that I think 329 00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:00,159 Speaker 1: your Brittany. Ever? Alice doesn't take the bait though, No, 330 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:07,879 Speaker 1: because I don't look like her at all. They're playing 331 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,160 Speaker 1: a kind of tug of war with Alice, but behind 332 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,159 Speaker 1: the prodding there are serious concerns. This idea that Brittany 333 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 1: either doesn't know how to work a computer or doesn't 334 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,439 Speaker 1: have one at all, is driven by years of speculation 335 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: about Britney's lack of freedom and how isolated she may be. 336 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,399 Speaker 1: In two thousand eight, Brittany was placed under a conservatorship, 337 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,879 Speaker 1: which put her under the care of her father and 338 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: essentially gave him full legal control over her life, her career, 339 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:38,919 Speaker 1: and with a co conservator, her finances. If you're not familiar, 340 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,480 Speaker 1: a conservatorship is a legal arrangement typically reserved for people 341 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 1: living with dementia or a profound mental illness that makes 342 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:51,040 Speaker 1: everyday functioning difficult. In other words, it's really only instituted 343 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,040 Speaker 1: in the most extreme circumstances where a person cannot care 344 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:59,800 Speaker 1: for themselves or make sound decisions in their own best interest. Yet, 345 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,119 Speaker 1: less than a year after being placed under her conservatorship, 346 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: Brittany kicked off a massive comeback, reaching heights she hadn't 347 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:12,040 Speaker 1: since her debut, several number one singles, multiple album releases, 348 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 1: world tours, and eventually an immensely profitable Las Vegas residency. 349 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: With each passing year of Brittany's conservatorship, her fans grew 350 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,880 Speaker 1: more concerned. They started scouring her social media for clues 351 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,520 Speaker 1: that she was trying to signal displeasure with the arrangement 352 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,919 Speaker 1: to the world, discussing some of her leaked songs like 353 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: Rebellion and trying to decode messages in the lyrics, circulating 354 00:23:36,359 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 1: handwritten notes purportedly authored by Brittany herself early on in 355 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 1: her conservatorship, in which she says she wants to be 356 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: out of it, tweeting clips from for the Record, a 357 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 1: documentary produced for her comeback in two thousand eight, which 358 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 1: is full of moments where Brittney talks about how controlled 359 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:56,320 Speaker 1: and orchestrated her life feels. Fan concerns reached a fever 360 00:23:56,400 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: pitch in the final year of Alex's life when Brittany 361 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,159 Speaker 1: canceled her second Las Vegas residency not long after it 362 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:07,399 Speaker 1: was announced and went quiet on social media. Months later, 363 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 1: it was reported she had checked into a mental health facility, 364 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,399 Speaker 1: and some thought she was made to do so against 365 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 1: her will. There was speculation that her Instagram account, one 366 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,760 Speaker 1: of the few places she seemed to present her unvarnished self, 367 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 1: wasn't run by Brittany anymore. Her captions, for instance, were 368 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,920 Speaker 1: known for being littered with emojis, but a post after 369 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:32,200 Speaker 1: checking into the facility featured an out of place, low 370 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,400 Speaker 1: fi emoticon. It was a small detail, but to die 371 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: hard fans something felt off. From then on, her Instagram 372 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,840 Speaker 1: comments were dominated by people picking apart her posts and 373 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:49,199 Speaker 1: digging for meaning. Three emojis mean s O S and 374 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:53,240 Speaker 1: red always means alarm. If you need help, wear yellow 375 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 1: in your next video. Brittany post a picture of a painting. 376 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,359 Speaker 1: Next if you're not okay. See this was posted into December, 377 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,120 Speaker 1: but I think it's really from the trip posted in October. 378 00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:07,320 Speaker 1: There's something with that tree. Guys, She's always near that tree, 379 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,240 Speaker 1: praying for your freedom. You're not alone. We'd love you. 380 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,159 Speaker 1: After that, the speculation had gained enough traction that the 381 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:21,600 Speaker 1: digitally driven Free Brittany movement, once a fringe idea among 382 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:26,520 Speaker 1: her most dedicated fans, began breaking into the mainstream. It's 383 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,119 Speaker 1: the Battle over Brittany. Pop star Britney Spears parents faced 384 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:33,640 Speaker 1: off in court as they fight over conservatorship of their 385 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 1: daughter Leslie Marinez live in downtown l A. With the 386 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 1: tails on the battle over conservatorship and the fan movement 387 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 1: to Free Brittany. By six months after I got Alex's email, 388 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,440 Speaker 1: questions about Britney's well being were all over the Internet. 389 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,959 Speaker 1: They reached far beyond a core group of fans like 390 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 1: those in Alice's chat room, or the handful of protesters 391 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:03,920 Speaker 1: who picketed conservatorship or at hearings. Even before New York 392 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,359 Speaker 1: Times documentary on Brittany's Conservatorship launched the movement to the 393 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:11,679 Speaker 1: next level, hashtag free Brittany would regularly trend on Twitter 394 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 1: and TikTok's suggesting she has no control over her life 395 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:19,240 Speaker 1: accumulated millions of views. The comments that flood Brittany's Instagram 396 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,720 Speaker 1: posts now are primarily focused on her well being. They 397 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:29,240 Speaker 1: are passionate and mostly sympathetic. By and large, the conversation 398 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: about Britney's mental health looks and feels very different now 399 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: than it did just a decade ago. When Alex and 400 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 1: I first bonded over how much we loved her. We 401 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:43,359 Speaker 1: were very defensive of her back then, fiercely protective after 402 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 1: how much she and her mental health had been ridiculed. Today, 403 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,800 Speaker 1: while far from perfect, public discussions about Brittany at least 404 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,879 Speaker 1: have a lot more of that tenderness that once felt 405 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: so unique to my conversations with Alex. But while the 406 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 1: comments on Brittany's and Graham posts are rife with messages 407 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,760 Speaker 1: from fans inquiring if she's okay, and asking her to 408 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:10,560 Speaker 1: communicate secret messages by wearing certain colors of clothing. Brittany 409 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:15,600 Speaker 1: herself mostly broadcasts her love of dance, does Hallway fashion 410 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 1: shows full of twirls and hair tosses, and posts wholesome 411 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 1: themes and Bible verses. She is sharing, but mostly stuff 412 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 1: that stays safely at the surface, kind of like how 413 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: Alex would post funny content online while reserving more difficult 414 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:38,200 Speaker 1: subjects for our phone calls. Scrolling through her Instagram after 415 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,919 Speaker 1: Alex's death, I wonder how okay Brittany really is. And 416 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,879 Speaker 1: like her other fans, I searched her posts for clues, 417 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,120 Speaker 1: but I'm looking for something else. Unlike her other fans, 418 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:55,359 Speaker 1: I search for hints of another sort, hints that she 419 00:27:55,440 --> 00:28:14,240 Speaker 1: might have known my friend. Would it really be so 420 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:18,520 Speaker 1: surprising that a star as reclusive as Brittany, one who 421 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,320 Speaker 1: has been hurt by the public as much as she has, 422 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 1: might go online in search of connection, and that this 423 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: search could have led her to Alex. If Brittany did 424 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,400 Speaker 1: go seeking anonymous connection, she wouldn't be the first celebrity 425 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,520 Speaker 1: to do so. There's actually a long history of it. 426 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: Here's Dave Holmes, who as an MTV VJ back in 427 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 1: the TRL era had a front row seat to Brittany's 428 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,320 Speaker 1: meteoric rise and the struggles that soon followed. I mean, 429 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:51,680 Speaker 1: Michael Jackson used to dress up and go door to 430 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,960 Speaker 1: door as a Jehovah's Witness, like in a fat suit 431 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 1: and prosthetics and stuff like, just to have quote unquote 432 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: normal conversations with people. Michael Jackson, who grew up as 433 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,400 Speaker 1: a Jehovah's Witness, couldn't connect with anyone about his faith 434 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:11,800 Speaker 1: or about anything really without his celebrity getting in the way. Today, 435 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 1: thanks to the Internet, famous people have an even easier 436 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,720 Speaker 1: time flying under the radar when they need to know 437 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:22,240 Speaker 1: prosthetics needed. Stars like Donald Glover have spoken about trying 438 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: to find community online under the relief of anonymity, and 439 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,000 Speaker 1: he's definitely not alone. For celebrities who want to connect 440 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:31,640 Speaker 1: and feel normal, the Internet can provide a way to 441 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:33,880 Speaker 1: reach out and find people who can see the human 442 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: behind the hype. For a star as misunderstood as Brittany, 443 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:42,760 Speaker 1: the appeal seems obvious. I can absolutely see someone like 444 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 1: her whose face and name and image she's a little 445 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:51,200 Speaker 1: bit lost control of talking anonymously to somebody and saying 446 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,400 Speaker 1: what she really thinks, in not having to second guess it, 447 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:57,880 Speaker 1: and figuring out who she is outside of the industry 448 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:01,920 Speaker 1: that has sprung up around name. Yeah, I mean that 449 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:06,280 Speaker 1: that actually seems really healthy. I'm not a global superstar, 450 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:09,800 Speaker 1: but I've done the same thing as a closeted queer teenager. 451 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,880 Speaker 1: I sought out Internet strangers who might understand me better 452 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,239 Speaker 1: than the people around me. But I've done this as 453 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: an adult too. More and more of us turned to 454 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:22,120 Speaker 1: the Internet to experiment with identity, confess our secrets, and 455 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:26,440 Speaker 1: find consolation. If people in our situations turned to the 456 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:30,480 Speaker 1: Internet for connection and community, I can only imagine Brittany, 457 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 1: who is pretty much unable to meet anyone who doesn't 458 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:36,040 Speaker 1: already have all kinds of ideas about who she is, 459 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:40,680 Speaker 1: might see the Internet as a safe place too. As 460 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: I started thinking about why Brittany might seek out online connection, 461 00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 1: I suddenly remembered that Alex didn't just follow Alice on 462 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,240 Speaker 1: Twitter or join in on her group voice chats. He 463 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:55,440 Speaker 1: also texted with her years ago. He sent me screenshots 464 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,360 Speaker 1: of some of their exchanges. As soon as I remembered this, 465 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:00,400 Speaker 1: I went back through our texts and found them in 466 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,720 Speaker 1: a near frenzy. The funny, tender snippets of conversation I 467 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,800 Speaker 1: uncovered made me all the more curious about what all 468 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 1: they had shared and what sides of Alex Alice saw. 469 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 1: After all, as I learned from a small group of 470 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:18,160 Speaker 1: Alex's friends in the weeks and months after his death, 471 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:22,320 Speaker 1: we all got different pieces of him. Which pieces of 472 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:28,400 Speaker 1: Alex did Alice get? Alex would pretend to believe in 473 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,720 Speaker 1: a number of Brittany fan conspiracies, and you sometimes couldn't 474 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 1: tell how serious he was being. He was never one 475 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,680 Speaker 1: to say just kidding after a joke. For example, when 476 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:42,440 Speaker 1: he sent me that video message wishing me a happy birthday, 477 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:48,840 Speaker 1: I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. It 478 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 1: was actually my thirty one. But based on what he 479 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,640 Speaker 1: told me and the significance of him including a link 480 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:59,160 Speaker 1: to these audio files and his goodbye email, I think 481 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 1: Alex might have really thought that Alice was Brittany. Maybe 482 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: my friends are always making fun of me for being 483 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:13,719 Speaker 1: irritating Lee skeptical. They're not wrong. It's an annoyingly large 484 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,920 Speaker 1: part of my personality. This is true on a very 485 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,840 Speaker 1: superficial level. I worked in atheism for my entire twenties, 486 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:25,000 Speaker 1: like working on atheists stuff at Harvard and Yale, directing 487 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,520 Speaker 1: an atheist nonprofit, going on cable news to talk about 488 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,280 Speaker 1: being an atheist, writing a book on atheism. I'm not kidding. 489 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:35,000 Speaker 1: I was literally a professional skeptic, and though it's no 490 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:38,080 Speaker 1: longer the full time focus of my career, I continue 491 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 1: to be driven by a skeptical impulse in my work 492 00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: today as a professor in a department of religion and 493 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,600 Speaker 1: philosophy and a writer on Internet culture. But I'm also 494 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:50,440 Speaker 1: just pretty skeptical in general. This can be harmless. For example, 495 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,760 Speaker 1: I'm always forced to walk at the front anytime a 496 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 1: friend group goes through a haunted house because I have 497 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 1: the hardest time suspending my disbelief that these aren't just 498 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 1: teenagers and cheap masks jumping out from behind even cheaper props. 499 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:06,400 Speaker 1: But my skepticism also gets in the way. Sometimes I 500 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:10,240 Speaker 1: questioned myself and my own thinking a lot, and I 501 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:13,440 Speaker 1: have a hard time putting my faith in anything but 502 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 1: the idea that Alex might have had faith in Alice. 503 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:20,200 Speaker 1: It gives me pause. Whoever she was, I want to 504 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:23,560 Speaker 1: understand why she compelled him. I want to see what 505 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:28,200 Speaker 1: he saw in her. In the weeks following Alex's email, 506 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,840 Speaker 1: I ran an online fundraiser so his body could be 507 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 1: claimed and his cremation paid for, and I worked with 508 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: show She and Lexi to plan his memorial or memory whole, 509 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:40,240 Speaker 1: as I jokingly proposed, we call it in a moment 510 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:44,239 Speaker 1: of severe sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, they loved it and so 511 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,640 Speaker 1: we used it, which was fitting. It's genuinely what Alex 512 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:51,240 Speaker 1: would have called it himself. I did all this because 513 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,640 Speaker 1: I loved Alex and I wanted to help, but also 514 00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:56,800 Speaker 1: because I was trying to stay busy and keep moving 515 00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:02,440 Speaker 1: as much as I could. If I am a ghost, 516 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,360 Speaker 1: Alex wrote in his email to me, I will come 517 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:09,600 Speaker 1: say hello and will always be a friendly ghost like Casper. 518 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:13,919 Speaker 1: But Harry, I won't hunt you unless you're being mean, 519 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:17,920 Speaker 1: or if you're like abusing a dog. I haven't seen 520 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:21,320 Speaker 1: or sensed Alex since he died, but I am haunted 521 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:26,319 Speaker 1: by Alex's death and by the questions it left. I know. 522 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,840 Speaker 1: I am so lucky to have his email this goodbye. 523 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:33,239 Speaker 1: It answers questions so many people are left with when 524 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:37,840 Speaker 1: someone dies, especially when someone dies by suicide. But still 525 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 1: there's so much unknown. If only I could explain, Alex wrote, 526 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,960 Speaker 1: but he couldn't. The questions that linger are ones his 527 00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:51,320 Speaker 1: email could never answer. But in those first weeks after 528 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,600 Speaker 1: his death, I couldn't help but wonder or hope if 529 00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:59,719 Speaker 1: perhaps Alice could. Wondering if Alice could help answer my 530 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:05,240 Speaker 1: sans about Alex gives rise to others. Brittany, like Alex, 531 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,279 Speaker 1: had been told by the world that she is too much, 532 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: that she feels too much, does too much, wants too much, 533 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:17,720 Speaker 1: that she should be less, smaller, quieter, which is another 534 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:20,480 Speaker 1: way of saying that she should be a different person altogether. 535 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,160 Speaker 1: If Alex really was talking to Brittany, as far fetched 536 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,240 Speaker 1: as that may sound, did he make her feel valid 537 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:33,719 Speaker 1: the same thing Alex did for me. In one of 538 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:36,640 Speaker 1: the texts Alex sent me a screenshot of years ago, 539 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,960 Speaker 1: during an exchange about their mental health, Alice said to Alex, 540 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,480 Speaker 1: I've never met anyone who I can relate to on 541 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:48,360 Speaker 1: this level. I'm curious what else they shared. Did she 542 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,480 Speaker 1: know he was going to end his life? Does she 543 00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 1: even know he's gone? Could she help me understand my 544 00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:00,480 Speaker 1: friend better? I went back to the SoundCloud clips he 545 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:04,960 Speaker 1: sent several more times replaying them again and again, especially 546 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:09,520 Speaker 1: the spots where it's just Alex and Alice talking. Yeah, 547 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:13,879 Speaker 1: an echo? I don't hear an echo? How do you call? 548 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,840 Speaker 1: Do you have like a like an app? Or whatever? 549 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:23,400 Speaker 1: Form my fun Before long I began to feel like 550 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:27,320 Speaker 1: one of Britney's Instagram followers, obsessively trying to connect the dots. 551 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,040 Speaker 1: Why was there an echo? Why was Alex asking about 552 00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:37,520 Speaker 1: a calling app? Eventually, though, my skepticism started to come back. 553 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:42,400 Speaker 1: Maybe Alice was just another joke Alex didn't say just 554 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:45,960 Speaker 1: kidding after Maybe he didn't believe in her at all 555 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 1: and I just couldn't see it. Maybe there were other 556 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,360 Speaker 1: things I missed along the way too. Why didn't I 557 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,800 Speaker 1: know that Alex had gone to such a dark place 558 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:58,680 Speaker 1: in the final year of his life. Why didn't I 559 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,759 Speaker 1: ask him more questions, not about Alice, but about how 560 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:07,480 Speaker 1: he was doing when I had the chance. I can't 561 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,960 Speaker 1: ask Alex anymore, so if I want answers, I'll need 562 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:14,319 Speaker 1: to ask someone else. Maybe this is why. In the 563 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:17,319 Speaker 1: days after Alex's death, as I mourned my friend and 564 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:20,160 Speaker 1: tried to make sense of what happened, I kept coming 565 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:22,680 Speaker 1: back to my questions about this person with a laugh 566 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:27,120 Speaker 1: that sounds just like our idols. Who is she? Is 567 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:35,560 Speaker 1: it Brittany doesn't matter? Can I find her next time 568 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:38,600 Speaker 1: on Unread? Do you feel like that name of like 569 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,400 Speaker 1: Charlie and always study in Philadelphia in the office, like 570 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:44,320 Speaker 1: surrounded by like putting strings in one of my favorite 571 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:47,239 Speaker 1: memes ever. And that's kind of how I picture you 572 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:48,360 Speaker 1: making this podcast.