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Speaker 1: I'm Eliot Khanni and this is Family Therapy. Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the Family Therapy Podcast. I'm your host, Elliot Khanni,

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Speaker 1: and today we're sitting with someone whose story I believe

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Speaker 1: will resonate deeply with so many of you listening. Today

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Speaker 1: you'll meet Jasmine, a woman doing the incredibly hard and

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Speaker 1: courageous work of learning how to find comfort in healthy

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Speaker 1: environments after setting boundaries. And if you've ever tried to

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Speaker 1: shift the way you show up in your family, your relationships,

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Speaker 1: or your friendships, then you already know setting the boundary

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Speaker 1: is one step, but learning how to live in the

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Speaker 1: new space you've created is a whole different kind of journey.

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Speaker 1: In this conversation, Jasmine reflects on how anxiety shows up

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Speaker 1: in her body, how her faith and spiritual practices steadied her,

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Speaker 1: and how she's slowly learning to differentiate other people's emotional

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Speaker 1: bag from her own. She talks about choosing prayer before panic,

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Speaker 1: regulating her thoughts before reacting, and discovering that peace doesn't

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Speaker 1: always show up as silence. Sometimes it shows up as laughter,

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Speaker 1: or distance, or a small shift in how she breathes

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Speaker 1: after a triggering moment. This episode is about healing yes,

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Speaker 1: but more specifically, it's about the type of healing that

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Speaker 1: happens when you give yourself permission to stop carrying weight

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Speaker 1: that was never yours in the first place. Well, what's

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Speaker 1: been better since we last matched?

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Speaker 2: What's been better? I don't think anything. I think everything's

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Speaker 2: either been neutral or intense.

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Speaker 1: Okay, how are you pleased about the way you're showing

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Speaker 1: up as you deal with things being neutral or intense? Like?

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Speaker 1: What do you please about the way you're showing up

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Speaker 1: to handle these things?

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Speaker 2: I'm pleased that I'm now noticing that mentally I'm showing

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Speaker 2: up different and calmer. However, my body is reacting the same.

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Speaker 1: Can you give me an example of you showing up

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Speaker 1: different in calmer?

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Speaker 2: Well, as soon as I overthink, I'll use whatever tools

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Speaker 2: I've learned to calm myself down. I'll make sure not

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Speaker 2: to react so quickly and also insert a lot of grace.

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Speaker 1: How do you do that?

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Speaker 2: How do I do what?

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Speaker 1: Well? All of it? But the first step you said

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Speaker 1: was when I catch myself overthinking, I calm myself down.

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Speaker 1: How do you do that?

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Speaker 2: I'll pray. I'll pray about it, so something that actually

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Speaker 2: I'll say, maybe with the last month. There's so a

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Speaker 2: situation with a family member of mine. I noticed that

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Speaker 2: because it's not my problem, I don't want to take

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Speaker 2: it all in. But because this person is very close

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Speaker 2: to me, I see and feel how it's affecting them.

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Speaker 2: I'm noticing that I'm suppressing those feelings. When it got

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Speaker 2: to a certain point, I was extremely overstimulated, and I

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Speaker 2: immediately prayed about it. Usually I would call my sister

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Speaker 2: or my mom, and I did speak to both my

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Speaker 2: sister and my mom. But I first started using tools.

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Speaker 2: I started using breathing techniques. I prayed about it, which

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Speaker 2: called me down, and then I just started using certain

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Speaker 2: things that's just happened to be in my algorithm in

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Speaker 2: regards to suicide and stuff. I started using those tactics,

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Speaker 2: and that was extremely helpful.

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Speaker 1: Is there a certain prayer that you say or is

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Speaker 1: it different for each situation?

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Speaker 2: Oh? No, it's extremely personal. It's always different.

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Speaker 1: Always different, Okay, And most people, Jasmin, they struggle, like

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Speaker 1: most people are very reactive. But you were saying, when

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Speaker 1: I catch myself being an overthinker, even you know, wanting

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Speaker 1: to respond, I slow myself down and pray. How do

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Speaker 1: you most people struggle to do that because we're so reactive,

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Speaker 1: we actually react before we even think, what are you doing? Differently?

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Speaker 1: That's allowing you to stay calm in essence and then

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Speaker 1: do the thing that you know helps you. Well.

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Speaker 2: What I started doing, which I didn't want to do,

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Speaker 2: was reading the Bible more and getting a personal relationship

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Speaker 2: with God. Not to sound so cliche, but that's literally

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Speaker 2: the only method that has worked, and because I've inserted

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Speaker 2: it into my daily practices, that is something that I'll

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Speaker 2: automatically turn to. I've noticed.

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Speaker 1: How do you know it's working.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm changed immediately, Like even my heart, Like when

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Speaker 2: I get anxiety. The year that my sister passed away

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Speaker 2: in twenty twelve, I would have to be hospitalized for

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Speaker 2: anxiety attacks. That's why I say my body is reacting

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Speaker 2: the same. My heart will beat really fast, I'll iberentolate

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Speaker 2: when it's extremely serious, which makes me nervous because it's

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Speaker 2: like my body's trying to warn me for something major

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Speaker 2: that's coming up. That's how it usually is, and that's

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Speaker 2: how I feel. I've realized that I get even more anxious,

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Speaker 2: especially since I think I mentioned how when my sister

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Speaker 2: first passed away, I would have a reoccurring nightmare for

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Speaker 2: four years, and the same feeling I had once my

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Speaker 2: sister passed. I had that same feeling when my uncle

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Speaker 2: passed on my birthday, and the same feeling when my

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Speaker 2: grandmother passed like the year before my uncle. So once

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Speaker 2: my brother, I had all these like premonitions. I'll say

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Speaker 2: in regards to my brother, that's when I think I

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Speaker 2: just hit rock bottom. And because I was like, oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, I know this feeling, this is too real.

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Speaker 2: I don't like this feeling, but I know it's my

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Speaker 2: body and my mental trying to warn me about something.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: So that's kind of what transpired over the weeknd or

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Speaker 2: this past week. I'm not saying this is what's going

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Speaker 2: to happen. I'm just trying to calm myself down. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm so used to praying and going to God. Even

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Speaker 2: if it feels like I'm just talking to myself. It

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Speaker 2: still works. Meditating, reading therapy books or just trying to

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Speaker 2: redirect to my thoughts. It's all working.

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Speaker 1: And this weekend specifically, how did you realize it was working?

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Speaker 2: So instead of going to my mother and my sister

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Speaker 2: freaking out because I know prior that's who I would

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Speaker 2: go to when i'd freak out or my anxiety was

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Speaker 2: kicking in. But now I'm learning that's stressful on them.

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Speaker 2: You know, I don't want to put that on anybody else.

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Speaker 2: So before doing that, I went to them differently, and

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Speaker 2: I've already my brain. My mentality was different. How I

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Speaker 2: spoke was different and not so anxious. And because I

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Speaker 2: know what it feels like to have somebody worry and

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Speaker 2: then it's put on me, I know what this secondhand

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Speaker 2: worry feels like, and it doesn't feel good. So I

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Speaker 2: didn't want to do that to them. However, because of

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Speaker 2: the severity of things I did want to get their advice.

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Speaker 2: In regards to my mom, I had her look up

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Speaker 2: some Bible scriptures for me to send or some like

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Speaker 2: type of something. I think it's not a washtout like

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Speaker 2: a pamphlet that talks about happiness to the family member,

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Speaker 2: just using the tools that I've been learning in regards

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Speaker 2: to certain trigger words in regards to whatever the case

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Speaker 2: may be. So I'm trying to use those tactics so

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Speaker 2: I know I'm doing everything I can. Because I also

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Speaker 2: learned when I do feel like there's a calling for me,

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Speaker 2: I put it off. I put it off onto somebody else.

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Speaker 2: That's what I think. I don't know. I'm like, oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, I want to do this. So I ended up.

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Speaker 2: I tried to push it off, and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: can you can you come visit? I went to another

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Speaker 2: family member of ours, which is their sibling. I'm like,

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Speaker 2: can you come visit our sibling? Because I think you

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Speaker 2: know I'm nervous and they can't. So I like, all

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Speaker 2: right now, I get it. I hear you.

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Speaker 1: God.

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Speaker 2: So I've just been checking in doing everything that I can,

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Speaker 2: you know, and not trying to be overwhelmed. I can't

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Speaker 2: let other people's stuff affect me.

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Speaker 1: This much, gotcha? So what do you hope to get

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Speaker 1: from talking to me today?

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Speaker 2: Clarity on how to do just that, not taking other

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Speaker 2: people's baggage.

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Speaker 1: That's a good word. We can use baggage.

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Speaker 2: How would I say baggage in a positive way? Because

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Speaker 2: I don't want that to sound offensive. I still want

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Speaker 2: people to be able to vent to me when they

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Speaker 2: need to. However, I don't want them to feel like

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Speaker 2: it's baggage, or me to feel like it's baggage.

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Speaker 1: What if the simple fact that it belongs to someone

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Speaker 1: else makes it baggage, all right?

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Speaker 2: And he is reality?

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Speaker 1: And what if it being baggage isn't the worst thing

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Speaker 1: in the world. Okay, how would you handle it then

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Speaker 1: if you knew the fact that it belongs to someone

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Speaker 1: else is exactly what makes it baggage. But it's okay

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Speaker 1: that I view it as baggage, and I get to

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Speaker 1: decide whose baggage I want to let in versus whose

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Speaker 1: baggage I don't. How would that make a difference for

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Speaker 1: you if you were able to think about it in

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Speaker 1: that way?

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Speaker 2: That makes a lot more sense. Because my brain is

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Speaker 2: just like, oh my gosh, I finally have my life together.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to hear about anybody else's problems, so

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Speaker 2: my brain automatically goes there. But that doesn't mean, like

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Speaker 2: you said, it doesn't mean that it's my baggage. Maybe

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Speaker 2: I can help them because I've been there, you know,

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Speaker 2: sort their baggage out, and I need to leave it there.

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Speaker 2: I just need to leave it there, go on with

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Speaker 2: my life. I guess. I don't know how.

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Speaker 1: Much would that make it different for you if you

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Speaker 1: were able to be like, I can help you with

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Speaker 1: your baggage. But I'm just going to leave it there

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Speaker 1: and go on with my life because I worked so

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Speaker 1: hard to get myself in a position where like life

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Speaker 1: is pretty Okay.

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Speaker 2: What I'm hearing is, yeah, i'll help you, but I

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Speaker 2: still have to live my own life. That's how I

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Speaker 2: interpret that, and I know that's how my family would

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Speaker 2: take that as well. And there's we I'll say we

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Speaker 2: are so like you know, I forget it. I'll do

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Speaker 2: it myself, or forget it. I'll figure this out. I

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Speaker 2: don't want to come off that way either, but I

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Speaker 2: also don't want to be tiptoeing around everybody's feelings. But

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Speaker 2: I also want to be considered it. It's a lot

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Speaker 2: trying to compartmentalize.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be a little bit mean. Okay, ah, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you didn't answer my question.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I forget what's the question.

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't make a difference for you if you learn

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Speaker 1: to help people, but then be like, that's your baggage.

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Speaker 1: I have to leave it there and go live my life.

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Speaker 2: That would make a tremendous difference. That's a tremendous change.

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Speaker 1: Okay, can you tell me about the tremendous difference part?

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Speaker 2: What I felt in the thought of that was weight

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Speaker 2: potentially lifting off of me, okay, because I'm still giving

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Speaker 2: myself space to move forward and not to have to

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Speaker 2: put my baggage down to help somebody with theirs then

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Speaker 2: get back to mine.

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Speaker 1: So did you experience that tremendous weight coming off? Did

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Speaker 1: you experience that as a positive thing?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: And how pleased would you be, Jasmine? If you got

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Speaker 1: to live life with that weight.

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Speaker 2: Off you, that would be great. But it doesn't seem tangible.

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Speaker 1: It might not be just yet, we'll see, but if

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Speaker 1: it were to happen, you'd be pleased.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely?

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Speaker 1: What would be different about you?

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Speaker 2: If he's happier.

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Speaker 1: Who's the closest person to you.

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Speaker 2: My mom?

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Speaker 1: How would your mom notice that you were happier.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm further away because I'm focused on me.

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Speaker 1: How would she notice that? Would you stop checking in?

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Speaker 1: Would you not return her text message? Like? What would

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Speaker 1: be her clue that would say, huh, Jaen's further away

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Speaker 1: than she usually.

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Speaker 2: Is because I'm not showing up. If I was there,

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Speaker 2: I'd be under everybody, doing stuff for everybody. I just

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Speaker 2: came home from Atlanta, for example, and I want to

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Speaker 2: visit my mom and as soon as I sat down.

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Speaker 2: There was four people there and each of them asked

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Speaker 2: me for a favor before I even got to sit down,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, what the hell Like I just got here,

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Speaker 2: so I have a difficulty saying no right. That's why

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Speaker 2: I say me being further away, she'll notice like, oh wow,

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Speaker 2: she was for real and she's changing.

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Speaker 1: I'm almost nervous to ask you this because I feel

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Speaker 1: like this is where the tension might be. How would

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Speaker 1: your mother respond to you being further away and recognizing

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Speaker 1: she's changing? How would your mom respond to that?

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Speaker 2: She has to respect it, the new version that my

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Speaker 2: mother's becoming, because last year was different. But this new

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Speaker 2: version I see because of me changing. I can see

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Speaker 2: like my mom chamie a little bit and it's worth it,

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Speaker 2: but she has to respect it. And she's more proud

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Speaker 2: of me for sticking to my nose in a sense,

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Speaker 2: because I'm learning. I get this from her me trying

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Speaker 2: to please everybody, and I I think she's proud of

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Speaker 2: me because she'll say it. Sometimes she'll use it against me,

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Speaker 2: but even her saying it right, that's all I know.

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Speaker 2: I'm changing because especially because she's saying it, what does

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Speaker 2: she say She's proud of me. She's acknowledging, like this

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Speaker 2: time last year, I was supposed to be down South.

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Speaker 2: She did not want me to go. She even was

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Speaker 2: willing to pay half my rent when she didn't. But

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Speaker 2: it's fine, you know. She used every tactic to get

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Speaker 2: me to stay, and unfortunate events happened where outside of

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Speaker 2: her begging, I had to stay in regards to my

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Speaker 2: son's schooling, his father trying some stuff or whatever. But

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Speaker 2: now from that, I also learned maybe it wasn't my time,

254
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Speaker 2: but I am going to get there, and over this

255
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Speaker 2: past year everything's fall into place the way it should.

256
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Speaker 2: Still scared, I will believe it once I'm there. But

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Speaker 2: even just my mom saying the other day, well, now

258
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Speaker 2: that I can't keep you any longer, and I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I know it, I know. So I'm like you, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm glad, you know. And that kind of gives me

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Speaker 2: confirmation that I can leave now, I can go because

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Speaker 2: she's not holding on anymore. She's not, you know, it

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Speaker 2: is a relief to even hear that.

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Speaker 1: Wow, And what does it do to you when your mom,

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Speaker 1: because if I heard you right, you said like this

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Speaker 1: people pleaserr thing kind of gets in my way. I

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Speaker 1: got that from my mother. So it makes me wonder

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Speaker 1: when your mom sees you changing, as you said, she's like,

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Speaker 1: proud of you, but she must be observing that Jasmine

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Speaker 1: is doing this thing that even I didn't do.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, I absolutely see that, especially with the thing's

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Speaker 2: going on in that household and I don't want them,

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Speaker 2: but you know, you know, but now it's all coming

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Speaker 2: to the forefront. I think that's why she's proud of me,

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Speaker 2: because she's still trying to be a people pleaser. Like

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Speaker 2: my grandmother used to say. I've never seen days like

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Speaker 2: this and the things that are just unveiling. I'm just

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Speaker 2: grateful not to be a part of. And it's because

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Speaker 2: I'm sticking to what Jasmine needs.

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Speaker 1: What does it do to you when your mom expresses

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Speaker 1: that she's proud of you.

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Speaker 2: I'm grateful, of course. I think it lets me know

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Speaker 2: I'm doing the right thing. Especially lets me know I'm

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Speaker 2: on the right path, even if I didn't get that validation.

285
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Speaker 2: I know at one point I was looking for it,

286
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Speaker 2: but now I'm.

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Speaker 1: Like, so, you're not looking for it now, but when

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Speaker 1: it comes, You're like, that's a clue to me that

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Speaker 1: I'm on the right path? Right? Do you enjoy getting

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Speaker 1: that clue?

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Speaker 2: It doesn't bother me. I mean, it's great if I

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Speaker 2: got it, but it's just validation that I don't necessarily need. It,

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Speaker 2: just lets me know I'm doing the right thing, that's all.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. But does that feel good? I mean, whether it's

295
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Speaker 1: coming from my home or not, Like just knowing them

296
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Speaker 1: on the right path, does that feel good? Is that

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Speaker 1: a good thing? Oh?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure?

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Speaker 1: Okay, And you mentioned like when you go over there,

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Speaker 1: even before you sat down, there was like four people

301
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Speaker 1: asking you for favors. How would the people that typically

302
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Speaker 1: ask you for favors respond to this new version of jazzmine?

303
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Speaker 2: They're changing as well. That's how I know it's working.

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Speaker 2: I actually expressed it to my daughter. She was one

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Speaker 2: of them, but I'll do anything for her, but e've

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Speaker 2: ben expressing that. It was actually before I went down south.

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Speaker 2: I noticed during our trip down there, she started doing

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Speaker 2: her own thing, and I'm like, I'm offended. You don't

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Speaker 2: need your mama so so yeah, so I had to

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Speaker 2: I'm like, no, this is her showing me like, all right,

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Speaker 2: let me not depend on my mom so much. Because

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Speaker 2: as soon as I walked and she's like, oh, can

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Speaker 2: you make me eggs and da da da da? Or

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Speaker 2: can you do this or whatever? Or can you take

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Speaker 2: me here? Especially when we were out there and I'm like,

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Speaker 2: all right now, I'm accommodating you and it's messing up

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Speaker 2: my plans, you know. But she used to be in

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Speaker 2: such a brat about it. So she started doing her

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Speaker 2: own thing, and I'm like, okay, she's trying to be spiteful.

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Speaker 2: But then she would text me let me know where

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Speaker 2: she was, called me to make sure I'm okay, and

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Speaker 2: I'm like, wait, this is healthy. She you know, she's

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Speaker 2: I guess she's respecting my boundaries in a sense. But

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Speaker 2: I'm so used to like, no, I'll do it have

325
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Speaker 2: an attitude. I took it as like I don't know,

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Speaker 2: like she don't need me, no war, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: How did that impact you to be like, she don't

328
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Speaker 1: need me anymore. She's doing her own thing, but wait,

329
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Speaker 1: this is healthy.

330
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Speaker 2: It was a ball of different emotions. I didn't know

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Speaker 2: how to feel. I was offended, I was sad, I

332
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,320
Speaker 2: was happy. I was proud because we had a little

333
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,199
Speaker 2: bit of tiff, and I, you know, I stated how

334
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,560
Speaker 2: I felt and the way I would have responded to

335
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,280
Speaker 2: my mom is how I thought she was responding to me.

336
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,160
Speaker 2: My brain was like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stay

337
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,119
Speaker 2: out and I'm not gonna I want her to worry,

338
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:47,119
Speaker 2: you know something like that. No was, yeah, she was

339
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,240
Speaker 2: making sure. She's like, you know, making sure you're going

340
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,439
Speaker 2: to bed or you're okay. I'm just saying, you know,

341
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,720
Speaker 2: I'm over here, I'm in that like whatever, and I'm like,

342
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 2: what the hell, I'm like, okay, you know, I thought

343
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:03,880
Speaker 2: we were arguing, you know, so I'm like, all right,

344
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,760
Speaker 2: So I just assumed because I expressed how I felt

345
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,880
Speaker 2: in regards to the little attitude or whatever, I thought

346
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 2: it was gonna blow up in my face and I

347
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:19,880
Speaker 2: was ready for anument. But she respected it. She even

348
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,680
Speaker 2: overdid herself, letting me know where she's at. She's twenty

349
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:28,440
Speaker 2: one now. So I'm like, and it's been great. So

350
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,600
Speaker 2: it's been it's been lovely. It feels weird, but it

351
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:48,640
Speaker 2: feels healthy.

352
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:54,199
Speaker 1: How did your daughter end up being the one to

353
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:58,320
Speaker 1: kind of navigate this space in a healthy way.

354
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:05,200
Speaker 2: Everybody says, she's like my sister alexis, like, she looks

355
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:11,320
Speaker 2: like her. She's bubbly. Everybody loves her. My nephew is

356
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,399
Speaker 2: just like me. It's crazy. We used to say that

357
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,159
Speaker 2: to each other. She used to say thank you for

358
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,959
Speaker 2: having my daughter, and I would say, thank you for

359
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,640
Speaker 2: having my son. I want a boy. She wanted a girl.

360
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:24,239
Speaker 2: My daughter and Alexis were so close. My daughter was

361
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:30,480
Speaker 2: nine I think when she passed, and now she's twenty one,

362
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:36,919
Speaker 2: so literally spitting image in every which way because she

363
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:37,679
Speaker 2: didn't get it from me.

364
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 1: How do you know?

365
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 2: And her father hasn't ever been in the picture right,

366
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Speaker 2: And even like with conversations I've had with her in

367
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,960
Speaker 2: regards to me and her father, she's just so perfect,

368
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 2: Like I don't even it's just I'm like, who like

369
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:01,439
Speaker 2: my sister would be so proud, so proud. So I

370
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,959
Speaker 2: don't know, I don't know. I don't know.

371
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Speaker 1: Do you tell her your friend?

372
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, all the time, all the time.

373
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Speaker 1: And when you were having all of those emotions, which

374
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Speaker 1: of those did you share with your daughter?

375
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,000
Speaker 2: Oh? I haven't actually shared any yet because we've been

376
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:23,199
Speaker 2: just great. I haven't even we spoke about things, but

377
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,520
Speaker 2: I haven't recently. I don't know. And I might be

378
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,400
Speaker 2: so happy about it, but she might feel all completely

379
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:29,840
Speaker 2: different way.

380
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,439
Speaker 1: I don't know. You haven't shared the positive experiences, the

381
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,439
Speaker 1: positive emotions you've had in result of the way she

382
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:35,320
Speaker 1: was being.

383
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:42,560
Speaker 2: I think because I haven't. When I feel a certain way,

384
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 2: I will drag it. I will drag it out until

385
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,400
Speaker 2: there's no more, and I'll still drag it. But because

386
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:53,719
Speaker 2: I haven't, I think I don't know what she's thinking.

387
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 2: But I know we're great, we're better. I haven't yet

388
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 2: told her I'm proud of our communication and how things

389
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,640
Speaker 2: are growing, but I know I will.

390
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,439
Speaker 1: How did you teach her to respect you, even to

391
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 1: respect your boundary? Like you totally thought there's gonna be

392
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,760
Speaker 1: a fight coming, but she chose to respect you and

393
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 1: your boundary instead. How did you teach her to do that?

394
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 2: The women in my life play no games, so I

395
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:24,480
Speaker 2: just honestly mock them, honestly, and she'll tell me even

396
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 2: to this day, she's like, you are not the same

397
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 2: parent that you are with my brother, And I'm like,

398
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 2: I know, and I'm sorry because I know I was.

399
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 2: I was very I would give. I didn't tell her

400
00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:45,639
Speaker 2: no ever, but I would let her know you're not

401
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 2: going to disappoint me. So yeah, just very strong women

402
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,119
Speaker 2: in my life that played no games, and I was

403
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,240
Speaker 2: always like that with her. I don't know why.

404
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 1: Wow, it's another one of the questions I was asking.

405
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you got an answer. How would you

406
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:05,159
Speaker 1: notice that? Like I'm continuing to put down the people

407
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,119
Speaker 1: pleasing and I'm continuing to move my life in a

408
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:13,159
Speaker 1: way where I'm pleased where it's going, you know, like

409
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 1: I'm pleased where we're headed.

410
00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:25,639
Speaker 2: I think because I am, I'm more emotionally invested in myself,

411
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:34,399
Speaker 2: and I'm trying to regulate my thoughts and emotions. I

412
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:38,440
Speaker 2: think three times before I act. That is going to

413
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,720
Speaker 2: be the main thing that keeps me growing. I know

414
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 2: that because I hear it a lot more. I can't

415
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 2: wait to be in the space of peace where I

416
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:53,040
Speaker 2: don't even react violently and I don't find I don't

417
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 2: want you to think I'm out here just being people up,

418
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 2: because I'm not.

419
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,200
Speaker 1: That's exactly what I thought.

420
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 2: No, I've definitely been in altercations, but I've never ever

421
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 2: hit somebody first. I've never antagonized somebody. It's you have

422
00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:08,640
Speaker 2: to take me there, and people have taken me there.

423
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,720
Speaker 2: It hasn't been often. It's usually the same because I'm

424
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:19,199
Speaker 2: not reacting to that. How desperate people will go to

425
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 2: make me come out of character, and it's literally people

426
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 2: that I've raised or help raised, and it's not family,

427
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:32,119
Speaker 2: and that I think that's what has hurt the most,

428
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 2: that it's people that have been close to me. Because

429
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 2: I'm not spiteful. I can't understand the concept of why

430
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 2: anybody would want to hurt me or do me dirty

431
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,520
Speaker 2: or anything like that. So it's like, oh, you're intentionally

432
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,879
Speaker 2: trying to hurt me and my teams. Oh no, okay

433
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,760
Speaker 2: not actually, So that thought process that I've had for

434
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:56,760
Speaker 2: so many years, especially since my siblings past, because they

435
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,240
Speaker 2: were my protectors. So now I got to protect myself

436
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:04,200
Speaker 2: and my kids and my siblings, those three will take

437
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:09,240
Speaker 2: me out of character. So not being violent, not thinking violently,

438
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,240
Speaker 2: and knowing that there's people out there that are willing

439
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 2: to do that unprovoked. So now that I know that,

440
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 2: I know I'm gonna be so much at peace. I'm

441
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:26,040
Speaker 2: gonna start laughing. I can't wait to be that. So

442
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 2: that's what helps me know that I'm gonna grow and

443
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:30,400
Speaker 2: get better because I'm like, all right, I can't wait

444
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 2: to laugh and respond this time Yeah. Once I start laughing,

445
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,199
Speaker 2: I'm gonna have a newer level, higher level to get to.

446
00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:41,399
Speaker 1: If you notice yourself laughing, oh, I haven't yet, but

447
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,960
Speaker 1: I mean, like going forward, if you notice yourself laughing more,

448
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,959
Speaker 1: that would be a huge clue to you. Absolutely, I'm

449
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: continuing become the version of Jasmine that I want to be.

450
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,280
Speaker 2: Yes, because I've seen people do it. They reached that

451
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,720
Speaker 2: level of peace, and that takes a lot to get there,

452
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 2: So I can't wait to be there.

453
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,359
Speaker 1: And once you get there, you'll probably find that the

454
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 1: next thing that you would want, but you would first like, hey,

455
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 1: I'm laughing more. Yes, what do you imagine would be

456
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 1: the kinds of things that we're making you laugh?

457
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:18,919
Speaker 2: Stupidity? People just acting stupid like because after let me

458
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 2: not say that, there's been times where I have laughed,

459
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 2: people have tried to pull me out of character so

460
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:28,320
Speaker 2: bad they start saying the weirdest things that make absolutely

461
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 2: no sense, and so I just am like, oh, okay,

462
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,680
Speaker 2: now you're lying, you know, like that type of deal, right,

463
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 2: and that will help me walk away. So it's usually

464
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 2: stuff like that. It will literally be so acidine that

465
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:45,720
Speaker 2: all I can do is laugh.

466
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 1: How different would that be for you to start laughing

467
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:52,160
Speaker 1: in those kind of acidine stupid situations.

468
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:57,400
Speaker 2: That would be the ultimate That's when I know I've

469
00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 2: reached peace, like ultimate piece, and I know there's even further. Yeah,

470
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,880
Speaker 2: but once I hate ultimate peace. Oh man, please don't

471
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 2: bring me back.

472
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 1: Yeah. Who would Who would be the first person to

473
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 1: notice that you were at ultimate peace before you even

474
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 1: said anything?

475
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 2: My kids? My mom?

476
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, which one of your kids is the most observant,

477
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:30,480
Speaker 1: most likely to see?

478
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,680
Speaker 2: First Judge, he'll notice it and tell me.

479
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 1: He's like, I guess nine, the judge. He would tell

480
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: you even at seven mm hmm, what would he say?

481
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 2: And he'll be so surprised, like you're being nice to

482
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 2: me today, mama, Or even if which I think I

483
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:56,640
Speaker 2: am all the time, but even if I yell at

484
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 2: him or be like, pick up your stuff. I told you,

485
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:03,240
Speaker 2: He'll like, WHOA, don't be mean, mama. I'm just like,

486
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:09,160
Speaker 2: you're right, please pick up And he helps me reevaluate

487
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:12,440
Speaker 2: how I'm speaking that I'm starting to get used to

488
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,560
Speaker 2: it to where I'm like, Judja, I already spoke to you,

489
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,000
Speaker 2: let's get your stuff up, so like, oh, you're being

490
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 2: nice today, or you know, stuff like that. My daughter,

491
00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:25,600
Speaker 2: she'll probably hug me awkwardly something like that.

492
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 1: Do you enjoy hugs from her? Yeah?

493
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 2: I always enjoy her love from them?

494
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:35,880
Speaker 1: And how do you imagine this version of you parenting

495
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:40,720
Speaker 1: Judjah would change his life? Like what would be around mom?

496
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:44,240
Speaker 1: That is like laughing more, having that new level of

497
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 1: peace that would make him say, Mamma, you're being nice

498
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:49,880
Speaker 1: to me. How do you imagine that would change that

499
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 1: little guy's future?

500
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 2: Oh, tremendously. He's the reason why I have been on

501
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 2: this journey in this path. Raising boys is extremely difficult,

502
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:10,120
Speaker 2: and even having to now technically share time even though

503
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 2: it's like, you know, not often, but I'm so used

504
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,520
Speaker 2: to just having my kids all the time, or them

505
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:21,080
Speaker 2: with my siblings or something right, So it's just being

506
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:25,400
Speaker 2: around him and seeing him changed, and I don't want

507
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:32,680
Speaker 2: like he's autistic, so his brain is so exceptional extreme,

508
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:39,760
Speaker 2: like he feels everything, so he explains it in every

509
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:43,160
Speaker 2: which way, even on how he feels. It's just been

510
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:46,360
Speaker 2: a great journey and a learning experience. I know I'm

511
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 2: doing well when I see the changes in him, I

512
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:49,920
Speaker 2: know I'm doing the right thing.

513
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,280
Speaker 1: Would you be proud of yourself? As a mom for that.

514
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I know I'm a great parent. I know that.

515
00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:04,120
Speaker 2: I know that it is and it is tough, but

516
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 2: I know that's just something in me. I have to

517
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 2: be that. I just have to.

518
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:12,959
Speaker 1: So if you already know you're a great parent, and

519
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:17,080
Speaker 1: by the way, I'm not disputing that at all, what

520
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 1: kind of parent do you think you'll be when you

521
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,880
Speaker 1: have that new level a piece? If you already like,

522
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 1: I'm a great parent now, but how would you like

523
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 1: what would you think of the way you parented when

524
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:29,040
Speaker 1: you had that new level of peace?

525
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:37,400
Speaker 2: I don't know a better parent. Yeah, I know my

526
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,560
Speaker 2: son's gonna change and he needs it. I honestly do

527
00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:43,040
Speaker 2: it more for him because he needs it. I don't

528
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 2: mind being an a hole, but him, Oh no, he's

529
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 2: a young black boy about to be a black man,

530
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:54,600
Speaker 2: and he can't go into the world not understanding emotions.

531
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,800
Speaker 2: He can be upset and angry whenever he feels no,

532
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:01,640
Speaker 2: I have no. That's like a mission, that's an endless mission.

533
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,680
Speaker 1: So that's really important to you.

534
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,480
Speaker 2: So I don't mind kicking back and cutting everybody off.

535
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 2: But seriously, because of him, That's why I'm in therapy.

536
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:17,720
Speaker 2: Because of him like, I'm here literally and it's I

537
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 2: hate to say that, but literally because of him, I'm

538
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,880
Speaker 2: here and I have to do better. Because he's a

539
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 2: young black boy. I just have to right.

540
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:37,840
Speaker 1: Wow. Well, hey, Jasmine, would you I'm so moved and

541
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 1: touched by to what degree Jajah drives all of this

542
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 1: desire to change for you? Between now and the next

543
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 1: time we talk, I want you to catch yourself purposefully

544
00:33:53,440 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 1: being closer to that new level of peace. Pay attention

545
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,760
Speaker 1: to Jujah and see how he responds. The quickest way

546
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 1: for you to get there is to practice being it,

547
00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 1: even before it's actually real. Practice being it and notice

548
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 1: the impact even when it shows up just a little bit.

549
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:16,239
Speaker 1: Can you do that?

550
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,640
Speaker 2: Yes, I'll practice it.

551
00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:24,879
Speaker 1: I love it. First thing you did when you said

552
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:28,479
Speaker 1: you practice it is you laughed. Okay, So just pay

553
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,759
Speaker 1: attention to it and see how your young seven year

554
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 1: old responds to it.

555
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 2: Okay. Well, thank you, Jasmin, Thank you.

556
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:44,359
Speaker 1: What a powerful session with Jasmine. Her story reminds us

557
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:47,839
Speaker 1: that growth isn't always loud. Sometimes it looks like not

558
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 1: reacting even when your body remembers the old way of surviving.

559
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:57,240
Speaker 1: Sometimes growth looks like realizing that Helping someone doesn't require

560
00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 1: holding what's hurting them. And maybe the biggest lesson from

561
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:06,239
Speaker 1: today is this, when we set boundaries, we also have

562
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,880
Speaker 1: to learn how to find comfort in the new, healthier

563
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,880
Speaker 1: world we're building on the other side of those boundaries.

564
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 1: For anyone listening who deals with anxiety, guilt, or overthinking,

565
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,960
Speaker 1: remember that healing is personal. The tools that work for

566
00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 1: Jasmine may not look the same for you, and that's okay.

567
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:29,319
Speaker 1: Your strategies might be spiritual, physical, creative, or internal. What

568
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 1: matters is that they help you return to yourself as

569
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 1: you reflect on this episode. Here are a few questions

570
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: you can ask yourself the next time anxiety rises or

571
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:46,560
Speaker 1: your boundaries are being tested. When I feel anxiety or

572
00:35:46,719 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 1: overwhelm in my body, what is the first gentle thing

573
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:58,399
Speaker 1: I can do to support myself in that moment? Am

574
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:07,160
Speaker 1: I carrying something that doesn't actually belong to me? How

575
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 1: do I know when I'm moving toward peace instead of

576
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 1: away from myself? Who in my life would notice my

577
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:29,960
Speaker 1: growth first? And what might they see? Healing doesn't require perfection.

578
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 1: It requires awareness, compassion, and the willingness to keep showing

579
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 1: up for yourself. The way Jasmine is learning to show

580
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: for herself. Thank you for listening, and thank you to

581
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:44,719
Speaker 1: Jasmine for sharing her journey with us. Until next time,

582
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,720
Speaker 1: take care of yourselves and take care of your peace.

583
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:07,320
Speaker 3: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,

584
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 3: your family and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,

585
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,520
Speaker 3: connect with me on socials at elliott' speaks, and you

586
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,759
Speaker 3: can also send me a text message to nine seven

587
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,520
Speaker 3: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy

588
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:23,480
Speaker 3: is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.

589
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,759
Speaker 3: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by

590
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,239
Speaker 3: Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.

591
00:37:30,239 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: Bishop. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the

592
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

593
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,920
Speaker 1: The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely

594
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:43,800
Speaker 1: for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered

595
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 1: a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and

596
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:49,160
Speaker 1: does not constitute a provider of patient relationship.

597
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,799
Speaker 3: It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or

598
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 3: health team for any specific concern or questions you may

599
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:54,680
Speaker 3: have