1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,440 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we out 8 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:40,199 Speaker 1: cover the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're going to 9 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: talk about healing past trauma in a new relationship. Romantic 10 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: relationships in our twenties are so difficult because there is 11 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: no guidebook to how we should be going about it. 12 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,360 Speaker 1: There are so many questions that go along with that, 13 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 1: like should I delete the dating apps and try and 14 00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,400 Speaker 1: meet someone organically? How long does it take to get 15 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: over someone? When do I know it's time to break 16 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 1: up with my significant other? But one of the biggest 17 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,800 Speaker 1: questions or conundrums I get all the time, and which 18 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: I will admit I've personally faced, is do you have 19 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,640 Speaker 1: to be healed before entering into a new relationship. That 20 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 1: is a massive question. We undoubtedly carry baggage trauma, memories, 21 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: past experiences from the people we have dated and loved 22 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 1: and been connected to, and some of that baggage is 23 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,560 Speaker 1: not great, it's not pleasant, and it's perhaps something that 24 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: we're not ready to unpack yet. 25 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 2: But does that. 26 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,039 Speaker 1: Mean that if you have not done all the necessary 27 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: healing you should hold off on love or can you 28 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: equally heal whilst being with someone new, someone who treats 29 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: you well and helps you into that kind of self 30 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: acceptance self love journey. Today we are joined by a 31 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 1: brilliant guest who is going to talk us through a 32 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: little bit about this very idea about healing past trauma 33 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:02,200 Speaker 1: in a new relationship. Welcome Tasha, otherwise known as real 34 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,560 Speaker 1: Talk Therapists. Thanks for joining us, Oh, thank you for 35 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,639 Speaker 1: having me. So if people are not familiar with your work, 36 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 1: you are incredible. You post this just amazing content that 37 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:18,160 Speaker 1: is like factual reasonable. You have Obviously you have a therapy. 38 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: You are a therapist in your in your like in 39 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 1: your real life, in your life. Can you like briefly 40 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 1: introduce yourself and tell us about your work. 41 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 3: Yeah, So I am a author, psychotherapist and content creator. 42 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 3: So I kind of the very all starters. I became 43 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 3: a child and adolescent psychotherapist. Wels, I really want to 44 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 3: work with children and trauma. And then I did my 45 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,080 Speaker 3: training and I realized that actually loads of adults have 46 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,080 Speaker 3: this little child in them that has a story to tell. 47 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 3: And so I found myself working with adults and their 48 00:02:56,639 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 3: past traumas and actually put on a topic like you said, 49 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,000 Speaker 3: like a lot of people will find me when they're 50 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 3: in a safe relationship and suddenly all their triggers are 51 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 3: being pushed, and then we'll start to kind of work 52 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,079 Speaker 3: together to understand what that is and where that's coming from. 53 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 3: And then I also have a social media platform where 54 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:19,080 Speaker 3: I share free content because obviously not everybody can access therapy, 55 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 3: but everybody can access Instagram or TikTok, So I do 56 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 3: my best to share healing prompts, tips and encouragement to 57 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 3: anybody that needs it. 58 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 2: And then obviously through my book as well. 59 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: For those of you who do not or have not 60 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: read this book, it is amazing. 61 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,880 Speaker 2: It's called it's. 62 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: Called Real Talk, so like you'll be able to find 63 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: it and it's kind of like one of those books 64 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 1: we were talking about this before, that everyone I think needs, 65 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 1: no matter how much therapy you have done, because it 66 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 1: will introduce you to just so many concepts around healing, 67 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: around living your best life that we often don't think about. 68 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 1: So I would I did very much recommend going out 69 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,400 Speaker 1: and grabbing that. And I just want to say thank 70 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 1: you for coming on once again. Obviously we're talking about healing, 71 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,720 Speaker 1: mastered a new relationship. I think it is so interesting 72 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,599 Speaker 1: what you said about how a lot of people come 73 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: to you and find you when they finally are in 74 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 1: this like safe relationship. They're experiencing safe, healthy love for 75 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,720 Speaker 1: the first time, and that is scary to them. I 76 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: feel like that's because a lot of past relationships and 77 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 1: experiences can sometimes cause us harm. Like love is one 78 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 1: of the most vulnerable things, one of the most vulnerable 79 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,400 Speaker 1: emotions that we can have, and so there is going 80 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,920 Speaker 1: to be trauma that comes along with that with I 81 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,120 Speaker 1: feel like anything that is beautiful always carries on the 82 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: side of darkness or a way that it can be manipulated. 83 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 1: What are some of the examples on maybe like instances 84 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: of past trauma that you have come across that we 85 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 1: tend to carry into new relationships. 86 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think a lot of the time when people 87 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,159 Speaker 3: think about trauma, they think the really big things, which 88 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 3: obviously absolutely are valid potential trauma. But it's not only 89 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:10,360 Speaker 3: those things that can be trauma that we carry. So yes, 90 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 3: there could be things like abuse or neglect that we 91 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:17,920 Speaker 3: had from childhood or even in relationships that we had 92 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 3: in adulthood, but there could also be really small traumas. 93 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,480 Speaker 3: They call them, they call them little teas. I think 94 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 3: they call them, I forgot now, small teas, little teas. 95 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,159 Speaker 3: It could be as small as being a baby and 96 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 3: having a parent who never picked you up when you 97 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,359 Speaker 3: were crying, And that might not sound like a small 98 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 3: thing at first, but actually spends time and time. Again, 99 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,560 Speaker 3: you learn as a baby that nobody's there for me, 100 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 3: nobody can attend to my needs, and so I have to, 101 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,159 Speaker 3: you know, fend for myself. So even those little small things, 102 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 3: or even a parent who doesn't give that much eye contact, 103 00:05:56,240 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 3: or a parent who calls you a cry baby as 104 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:05,359 Speaker 3: a child, you know, you internalize all of these experiences 105 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 3: and you expect them in your adult relationships, whether that's 106 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,480 Speaker 3: a friendship or in your romantic relationships. 107 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 2: And then another thing. 108 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 3: Is that you know, when you've had those traumas, all 109 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 3: those experiences, it kind of shapes your brain in a 110 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 3: particular way and so you even though those things don't 111 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 3: feel comfortable, they feel familiar, and so you find ways 112 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 3: to reenact them. One thing that I find when people 113 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 3: are in a safe relationship, their brain starts to panic, like, wait, 114 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 3: he texts me back, Like when I text he texts 115 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 3: me back, like what's going on? Like what is this about? 116 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,880 Speaker 3: And we might get the ick or we might, you know, 117 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 3: start to think that he's in genuine or the person's 118 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 3: in genuine. But it's just the alarm system in our 119 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 3: brain is saying this is very different, and I don't 120 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,360 Speaker 3: know if I trust it yet. 121 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I can often look like that. 122 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,719 Speaker 1: That's actually so interesting because I've had that experience and 123 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 1: you were saying, oh, they start like texting me back, 124 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: they want to see me. And I remember when I 125 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: first started seeing my partner and he was so like 126 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,440 Speaker 1: adamant that he wanted to make plans, and I was like, 127 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: is this guy love bombing me? Like is this guy psychopath? 128 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,080 Speaker 1: Like why does he want to see me so much? 129 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: Like what's his problem? But it's so true. We are 130 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 1: so used to what we feel like comfortable and familiar 131 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: with that we try and recreate that because that is 132 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 1: like the only reality that we've ever known. How does 133 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: like these because it's not just past relationship patterns, right, well, 134 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 1: I guess it is. It's past relationship patterns, but not 135 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: just past romantic relationship patterns. It also has to do 136 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: with the relationship we have with our parents, our family, 137 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 1: our caregivers. How does some of this trauma impact our 138 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: approach to dating or love, maybe through self sabotage, self abandonment, settling, 139 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 1: a fear response like the one you spoke about, Yeah, we. 140 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 3: Kind of have when this happens. We kind of have 141 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:08,400 Speaker 3: this unfinished business that needs to be you know, resolved. 142 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 3: And usually, like our inner child would be the one 143 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 3: that carries that unfinished business and tries to make sure 144 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 3: that it's it gets what it needs. But yeah, often 145 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 3: we don't know how to We know, we know what, 146 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 3: we know what we want to receive. 147 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,520 Speaker 2: We know we want to receive love. 148 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 3: Or to iron out unfinished business, but we don't know 149 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,839 Speaker 3: how to do that, and then that's where the kind 150 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,320 Speaker 3: of self sabotagey or destructive things can happen. 151 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 2: One thing I. 152 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:42,040 Speaker 3: Noticed that if we've had kind of a childhood where 153 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,440 Speaker 3: maybe our parents let us down or our families let 154 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 3: us down in whatever way. Many people respond by being 155 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:52,040 Speaker 3: really hypervigional, not hypervigionance. Sorry, many people will respond by 156 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 3: being very hyper independent when it comes to dating. So 157 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,760 Speaker 3: they'll kind of say, oh, I don't need anybody, or 158 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,640 Speaker 3: it's fine, gonna like date those of people, but they 159 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,400 Speaker 3: don't mean anything to me. There's this kind of like 160 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,680 Speaker 3: almost like I don't actually need the intimacy, that the 161 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 3: intimacy that's just so above me, and actually that's fair, 162 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 3: that's fair of getting too close to somebody because they 163 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 3: might let you down and they might reject you. Yeah, 164 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 3: And that's one way that it can kind of look 165 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 3: is that we, yeah, we almost have this exteria that 166 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,760 Speaker 3: we tell ourselves, an exterio narrative that we tell ourselves 167 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 3: that actually gets in the way of us actually receiving 168 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 3: what we need and what we want. 169 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: It sounds a lot like emotional and availability to me, 170 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 1: like the sense of like I've been hurt in the past, 171 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 1: we are so hyper vigilant towards threats that may hurt 172 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 1: us again in the future, that we eliminate in any 173 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,439 Speaker 1: possibility for that. Some of those possibilities, some of those 174 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: opportunities are actually quite positive, would actually be able to 175 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 1: rewire our brain change. It's really interesting what you talk 176 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,680 Speaker 1: about in terms of the hyperindependence, because I think that 177 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:07,840 Speaker 1: that is a way past trauma shows up in our 178 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 1: relationships that is not often recognized because independence is such 179 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: a celebrated trait in our society, especially in like Western societies, 180 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 1: especially in individualistic societies, whereby being able to like provide 181 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,560 Speaker 1: for yourself, be your own emotional security, your own sense 182 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: of comfort, make all the money that you need is 183 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 1: like super admirable. But I think it overlooks this thing 184 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: of you do need a community, you do need love 185 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:43,800 Speaker 1: and connection to sustain yourself in a way. So how 186 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 1: do you think, you know, if you've recognized that you 187 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,959 Speaker 1: are hyper independent, how do you almost stop doing that? 188 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 1: Like it's such a deeply ingrained behavior, How do you 189 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 1: unlearn those behaviors? 190 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 3: I think it's about kind of asking yourself the question 191 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,760 Speaker 3: of what would it be like to receive something that 192 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:07,679 Speaker 3: is soft and warm and light and loving? 193 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 2: What would that actually feel like? 194 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:15,400 Speaker 3: And what ways am I likely to reject it or 195 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 3: stop it or block it? Just kind of noticing it, 196 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,800 Speaker 3: I think is the first thing, and just being aware 197 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 3: of what it looks like when you receive those things, 198 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 3: like when a friend gives you a compliment, how do 199 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:29,520 Speaker 3: you respond when a friend says call me whenever you 200 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 3: need anythink and then you suddenly need something and you. 201 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 2: Still don't call, Like what is that about? 202 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 3: So I think it's like noticing those things of like 203 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 3: how you stop yourself from receiving what you actually do 204 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 3: deserve but you're telling yourself that you don't need it 205 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 3: for whatever reason. And then I talk a lot about 206 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:53,000 Speaker 3: leaning into the cringe like a lot of people. I 207 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,319 Speaker 3: think I believe that the things that we cringe thatt 208 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,080 Speaker 3: are the things that we actually desperately need but we're 209 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 3: too scared to say so, whether it's cringing at a couple, 210 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 3: pdaing and huggetting kissing on the road, maybe that stuff 211 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 3: that we actually do want to receive, but we're like, oh, 212 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,200 Speaker 3: that's gross. 213 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 2: I never want that, Like maybe I do. 214 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:16,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, So I think like noticing when you have 215 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:21,080 Speaker 3: those cringey feelings and maybe questioning what is the need 216 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,040 Speaker 3: underneath that that I might be communicating through my cringe. 217 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 1: When you said that, I was like, wow, that is 218 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 1: I actually think that is so accurate because the other example. 219 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: I always think that is like cringing at people who 220 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 1: you know, like kind of like always validate their partner, right. 221 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,079 Speaker 1: I remember seeing this couple on TikTok a little while ago, 222 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 1: and it like went kind of viral. It was this 223 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: example of them doing like a love surge. I don't 224 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 1: know if you've seen this, Do you know what I'm 225 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: talking about? All right, So now I'll send it to 226 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: you because it's just really like lighthearted video where this 227 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 1: couple is like, when one of us feels a lot 228 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: of love, we get this thing called a love sir, 229 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:00,439 Speaker 1: and we. 230 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,120 Speaker 2: Have to like hug each other and whatnot. 231 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 1: And all of these people were like that is so cringe, 232 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,960 Speaker 1: Like that is so disgusting. That is like revolting. And 233 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: I remember watching that feeling that way, and then obviously 234 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: met my partner and was like I get that. I 235 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,720 Speaker 1: get it. I wanted that. I wanted to be that 236 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,480 Speaker 1: loved that someone was willing to like put that online 237 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 1: for me. So it is like a very interesting thing 238 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,240 Speaker 1: how our brain tries to like trick us out of 239 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:29,839 Speaker 1: recognizing our needs as like a protective mechanism in some ways. 240 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,200 Speaker 1: Do you think there are other like defense mechanisms as 241 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,120 Speaker 1: well that we kind of put up other than cringe 242 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,720 Speaker 1: is a big one. I think, are there any others 243 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: that like we might not be able to recognize? 244 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think like there's obviously we can obviously deny 245 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,839 Speaker 3: what we need or but I think also like the 246 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,959 Speaker 3: role that we play with that person, Like if we're 247 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 3: dating someone, some of us will if we have childhood 248 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 3: wounds or relationship wounds. We might find ourselves wanted to 249 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 3: be rescued by our new partner or for them to 250 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 3: suddenly fulfill all of our needs, every single need we've 251 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 3: ever had in our lifetime. We want this partner to 252 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:15,240 Speaker 3: have to fulfill for us, which is impossible and poor 253 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 3: person have to have such a huge responsibility. But yeah, 254 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 3: it can feel like, oh, suddenly there's someone a hero 255 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 3: here who can fulfill everything that I need. And that 256 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 3: means that we put them on a pedestal and we 257 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,840 Speaker 3: expect them to be really perfect and when they make 258 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,000 Speaker 3: a mistake, it's absolutely devastating to us. 259 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 2: I think. 260 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 3: And this is different to like non negotiable mistakes, like 261 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 3: if it was something huge like they were unfaithful, that's different. 262 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:47,240 Speaker 3: But if it's like a mistake like they didn't respond 263 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 3: to your emotions the way that you wanted them to, 264 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 3: but you hadn't told them how you want them to 265 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,160 Speaker 3: respond to your emotions. 266 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 2: Things like that. 267 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 3: It's like, we do need those mistakes to happen because 268 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 3: we then we can grow the relationship and they can 269 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 3: learn about you, you can learn about them. But for 270 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:09,200 Speaker 3: some people it's like like I'm done, I'm out. So yeah, 271 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 3: I think it's that how we deal with mistakes a 272 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 3: partner makes and how we put them on a pedestal 273 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,840 Speaker 3: isn't also a big one as well. 274 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: I can once again agree with that. Something that's really 275 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,840 Speaker 1: interesting about that is like the nitpicking and the sense 276 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,960 Speaker 1: of like, if this love isn't perfect, I don't want it, 277 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: and constantly looking for problems that actually are not problems. 278 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: They're just an excuse for us to leave because we're 279 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,200 Speaker 1: feeling vulnerable. When you talked about that of like oh, 280 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: my partner hasn't responded to my emotional needs, but I've 281 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,640 Speaker 1: never told them why, or small things like oh they 282 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,680 Speaker 1: didn't text me back within like two hours, they must 283 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,080 Speaker 1: hate me. The relationship is over. And you can sometimes 284 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 1: tell yourself like, well, that's a non negotiable for me, 285 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 1: when actually it's just you feeling quite triggered by their response, 286 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 1: and it's really more symbolic of something deep like you 287 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: are actually not ready for this, You're not You're not 288 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: prepared to be vulnerable with them. So I think it's 289 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 1: actually really interesting because this really leads into my next question, 290 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 1: the sense of like a healthy relationship will challenge you, 291 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: It will cause you to question how you perhaps approached 292 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,680 Speaker 1: love in the past. Do you think that there is 293 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 1: a necessary level of healing we need to do before 294 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:27,320 Speaker 1: getting into a new relationship, or is there like we 295 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: can Is it that so that we can just heal 296 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 1: in another relationship straight off the bat? 297 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:35,800 Speaker 3: Oh, I think a bit of both. I'll do a 298 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 3: little bit of sharing here. So I'm I actually got 299 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 3: married this year like that. 300 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:43,480 Speaker 1: She congratulations, Oh my god, that's so sadly wow, so fun. 301 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 3: And I actually met my husband when we were eighteen, 302 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 3: but it did it work out and then we reconnected 303 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:54,480 Speaker 3: with you twenty eight that it's a love story and yeah, 304 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 3: and for it to actually when we reconnected it everything 305 00:16:59,240 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 3: just made so much. 306 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 2: But by that time I. 307 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,239 Speaker 3: Had had five years of therapy. He had not had 308 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,679 Speaker 3: therapy before. But he'd had gone through a really big 309 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 3: life changing thing that had happened for him, and so 310 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,120 Speaker 3: we had both changed in a way. We were still 311 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 3: the same people, but we had a new emotional maturity, 312 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 3: whereas when we were eighteen who were so emosh it 313 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 3: was sure there was nothing could have nothing could have 314 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,879 Speaker 3: seriously happened at that time. But I think there is 315 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,920 Speaker 3: something of like some healing does have to take place, 316 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 3: some kind of self awareness that's to take place for 317 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 3: you to be or to even just start that self 318 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,159 Speaker 3: awareness journey is a great bonus, like to then be 319 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 3: able to go into a relationship with somebody else's also 320 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,400 Speaker 3: going to have all their own stuff, all their own histories, 321 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 3: all their own baggage, And almost when you're in a relationship, 322 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 3: it's almost like there's all this junk on the floor 323 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 3: and you've got a work out together. Okay, that one 324 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,840 Speaker 3: is mine, I'll take this, this spit is yours, that's mine, 325 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:07,600 Speaker 3: that's mine, and you're almost like looking at the mess 326 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 3: in between you and working out divving up. Okay, what 327 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,280 Speaker 3: is the stuff that I'm taking accountable busy for and 328 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,439 Speaker 3: what stuff are you taking accountability for? But if we 329 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:18,920 Speaker 3: don't have that self awareness. We can't do that. We'll 330 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 3: be like, oh, that stuff is all yours, that's none 331 00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 3: of that's mine. I've got nothing to do with all 332 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 3: that stuff. 333 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's so true. Also, that is such 334 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,399 Speaker 1: a beautiful story that you met at eighteen, and it 335 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,399 Speaker 1: shows that like people can change, but they can change 336 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,800 Speaker 1: in parallel or like change in a way that looks 337 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,240 Speaker 1: different from the outside, but it makes them more compatible. 338 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,280 Speaker 1: I think it's a really that's a really beautiful story 339 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,679 Speaker 1: in terms of also like how people can change in 340 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,959 Speaker 1: a relationship alongside each other, even if it looks different. 341 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: So congratulations on getting married. 342 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,000 Speaker 2: That's so amazing. 343 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,760 Speaker 1: I think we're gonna we're gonna track that now because 344 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 1: like we're talking about marriage're gonna talk about the opposite. 345 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: I think sometimes people jump from one relationship to another 346 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,160 Speaker 1: very quickly to avoid healing. Is that something that you've seen? 347 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,120 Speaker 1: Why do you think that is? Yeah? 348 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 3: I'm actually currently reading a book it's called really good. 349 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:18,439 Speaker 3: Actually is that she called really good? Actually, really good actually, 350 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:23,080 Speaker 3: And it's about a woman who is in a relationship 351 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 3: for from age like eighteen, and they get married at 352 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 3: twenty eight and then they get divorced two years later, 353 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 3: So it's like a huge it's a huge trauma, but 354 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:37,640 Speaker 3: she goes through a phase of just dating, constantly, constantly dating, 355 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,440 Speaker 3: And I think it's that thing of like emotional availability 356 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 3: to ourselves. 357 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:47,200 Speaker 2: It is we when we. 358 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 3: End a relationship or leaven relationship, we actually do have 359 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,879 Speaker 3: to be in a space of a loneeness that a 360 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,760 Speaker 3: lot of us are terrified of. 361 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 2: We're taught that aloneeness. 362 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,719 Speaker 3: Is, you know, the worst thing anyone could experience, and 363 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 3: that we should avoid being aloner all times like that, 364 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 3: There's just there's a whole air about being alone. And 365 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,159 Speaker 3: I think even like a lot of single people that 366 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 3: I know and friends that I know often feel quite 367 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,359 Speaker 3: judged for being single at a particular age because of 368 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,840 Speaker 3: this kind of judgment. And so I think when we 369 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,080 Speaker 3: are finally alone, first we have to sit with that 370 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 3: I'm alone, what does that mean? But also we have 371 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,880 Speaker 3: to sit with all the grief of grieving that relationship. 372 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 3: And when we are grieving a relationship, it often brings 373 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 3: up other experiences of grief that we've had in our lives. 374 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,479 Speaker 3: So if we've lost a parent or a friend, or 375 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,679 Speaker 3: if we you know, we're also grieving the part of 376 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 3: ourselves that was in that relationship or the life stages 377 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,639 Speaker 3: that we went through in that relationship. 378 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 2: We're grieving a lot, basically. 379 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 3: And nobody wants to sit in their grief, like it's 380 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,600 Speaker 3: not the most fun thing to do. And also we're 381 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,320 Speaker 3: in a we live in a culture which is, you know, 382 00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 3: grief avoidant. We don't we don't like to talk about 383 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,120 Speaker 3: death or losses or endings. 384 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,400 Speaker 2: We just move on to the next thing. 385 00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:08,119 Speaker 3: And I think that's where then there's this idea of like, okay, 386 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 3: what there's a song, isn't there and then like a 387 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 3: I can't put her name now, but there's a song, 388 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,680 Speaker 3: it's like move on to the next one or something 389 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,959 Speaker 3: of that. There's like yeah, there's like so many phrames 390 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 3: of like if one thing doesn't work out, move on 391 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:20,720 Speaker 3: to the next thing. 392 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,159 Speaker 2: And oh it's like thank you next by Aarona Grande. 393 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,160 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, is it that? Okay? 394 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 1: Yeah? 395 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,399 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like racking my brain. 396 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:33,239 Speaker 3: So it's like, yeah, it's our way of coping, but 397 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,360 Speaker 3: it's obviously not great for us in the long run. 398 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 3: It's it's just a temporary a temporary distraction. 399 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 1: An avoidance as well. When you said it sometimes we're 400 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 1: so afraid of being alone, and we're afraid of our solitude. 401 00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 1: If you have been in a relationship for a while, 402 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: or if you've been in an unhealthy relationship where there 403 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: has been so much intensely, you're almost like addicted to 404 00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,520 Speaker 1: this other person. You're addicted to the excitement, the feeling, 405 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: the passion, whatever you want to call it. And when 406 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:09,199 Speaker 1: that ends, there is a huge hole left behind, a 407 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:12,119 Speaker 1: huge you almost are like in the state of like 408 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,440 Speaker 1: withdrawal or detox, where you are craving, like the kind 409 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,080 Speaker 1: of connection that you previously had. You're craving that love. 410 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,960 Speaker 1: And so the first person that walks along you're like you, 411 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,960 Speaker 1: you will do just fine, like you are like who 412 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,439 Speaker 1: needs therapy when I can someone else can be a 413 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,240 Speaker 1: distraction for me. So I think that's like something that 414 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,040 Speaker 1: I see quite a lot, especially in our twenties, when 415 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,479 Speaker 1: it is so easy to find people who want to 416 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,880 Speaker 1: casually date you, like, who aren't looking for commitment, who 417 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,159 Speaker 1: are just down for a fun time. You can go 418 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 1: on a dating app, and especially if you're a woman, 419 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 1: like you can find someone pretty quickly who will at 420 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 1: least like want to get a drink. So it's easy, 421 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,800 Speaker 1: and that's such a distraction. It's such like a mask, 422 00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,080 Speaker 1: a facade that we put up where it's like, if 423 00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:01,520 Speaker 1: I don't have to see my trauma, I don't have 424 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:02,239 Speaker 1: to deal with it. 425 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think particularly for women or non binary 426 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,960 Speaker 3: people like that can be super liberating because you know, 427 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,879 Speaker 3: with them it is such a patriarchal, misogynist world. But 428 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,240 Speaker 3: suddenly you can go into an app where you have 429 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 3: access to so many potential suitors and you decide who 430 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:22,960 Speaker 3: you get to see, when you see them, how often 431 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 3: you see them, Like it can feel when you've just 432 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 3: gone through a breakup where you feel actually quite helpless 433 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 3: or with your feelings like I'm having to hold all 434 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,639 Speaker 3: these annoying, frustrating, sad feelings. 435 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,600 Speaker 2: What do I do with them? I feel helpless? 436 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:38,359 Speaker 3: I know I can feel more liberated and you know, 437 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:43,879 Speaker 3: more productive by dating lots of people. It's almost like, 438 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 3: you know, yeah, shifting the energy. 439 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,000 Speaker 1: That is so true and so fascinating. I think you 440 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,400 Speaker 1: point out something really interesting where it's like you don't 441 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 1: feel in control over the last relationship, so you want 442 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,919 Speaker 1: to feel more in control. You want to feel more 443 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: in control. There's like these this dating system allows you 444 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 1: to feel that way, even if it is just like temporary, 445 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,919 Speaker 1: even if it is a little bit of delusion. So, 446 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,199 Speaker 1: say you are someone who has you've broken up with 447 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,600 Speaker 1: your partner, there has been things in that past relationship 448 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: that maybe you haven't healed from. Maybe they cheated on you, 449 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 1: maybe they were not particularly kind to you, maybe they 450 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,840 Speaker 1: maybe it was like a situationship and someone has just 451 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 1: treated you poorly as it made you feel like you 452 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,720 Speaker 1: never really deserved anything more, and you find someone amazing. 453 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: What are some of the things to look out for 454 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 1: in a new relationship that indicate that you have some 455 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,720 Speaker 1: work to do that Maybe I'm going to use the 456 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,399 Speaker 1: analogy you gave before. There is some junk on the 457 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,640 Speaker 1: floor that you need to pick up. 458 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 3: I think I guess one thing is noticing you kind 459 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 3: of named it earlier, like if you're picking at things, 460 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,080 Speaker 3: If you're picking at this is a hard one because 461 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,280 Speaker 3: obviously we talk about red flags and we talk about, 462 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 3: you know, obviously being quite hyper vigionant to if the 463 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 3: person you're dating is right for you. But picking at 464 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,520 Speaker 3: things is almost like. 465 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,720 Speaker 2: It's almost like so. 466 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,479 Speaker 3: My supervisor calls it a now a now story, So 467 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,919 Speaker 3: it's almost like you're seeing something in and now but 468 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 3: actually has nothing to do what's happening and now is 469 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:27,640 Speaker 3: everything to do what's happening in your past. So maybe 470 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,920 Speaker 3: you're with someone and they looked at someone passing by, 471 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,399 Speaker 3: but for you, it triggered you to think about the 472 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,600 Speaker 3: time when your ex was looking at other people or 473 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,480 Speaker 3: dating other people behind your But you know, it's this 474 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,600 Speaker 3: thing of like you start to merge the two realities together. 475 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,879 Speaker 3: So I think just noticing when you are picking at things, 476 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:50,080 Speaker 3: really ask yourself first where is that coming from? Is 477 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 3: it really from the now or is it potentially from 478 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 3: the past, or is it both. I think the other 479 00:25:56,359 --> 00:26:01,000 Speaker 3: thing is to notice when you feel safe and when 480 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,840 Speaker 3: you don't feel safe. So some people they find that 481 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,440 Speaker 3: they feel absolutely safe with their new person, but it's 482 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 3: when they're apart that they don't feel safe and they 483 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:15,320 Speaker 3: start to question things. And that might be your kind 484 00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:19,359 Speaker 3: of history of you know, absence. If you've had parents 485 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,200 Speaker 3: that are quite absent, or if you had a partner 486 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,760 Speaker 3: that's quite absent, it's going to give you lots of 487 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 3: kind of feelings of anxiety when you're away from your 488 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 3: new boot. Basically, so just kind of when that happens, 489 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,480 Speaker 3: use it as a time to journal and think about 490 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,720 Speaker 3: where is that coming from and where else heavy experienced 491 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 3: at in your life as well. 492 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 1: That is incredibly relevant to me when I was like, 493 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,080 Speaker 1: I'm just sharing so much, Tasha, I'm just using you 494 00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: for free therapy. That's obviously what that's what this sounds 495 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,800 Speaker 1: like at this point. But I remember when I would 496 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,000 Speaker 1: be like totally fine when we were around each other, 497 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:52,960 Speaker 1: and then as soon as they left, I'd be like, 498 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,320 Speaker 1: oh so they hate me, Oh. 499 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:55,920 Speaker 2: So this is over? 500 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,159 Speaker 1: Or like what if this relationship isn't right for me? 501 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: And I realized that it was because it's so easy 502 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:04,800 Speaker 1: to feel safe when there's someone there who's going to 503 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,879 Speaker 1: constantly validate you. But you have to be able to 504 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,119 Speaker 1: validate yourself and able to validate what you know about 505 00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:14,760 Speaker 1: the relationship, what you know about the other person. Adding 506 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,200 Speaker 1: to that list of kind of signs that indicate on 507 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 1: hill trauma, picking fights or starting fights on things that 508 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 1: are super arbitrary. Obviously there are you should feel free 509 00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 1: to express anger, rage, whatever feeling, but there are sometimes 510 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,800 Speaker 1: things where you're like, I'm going to start this fight 511 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,879 Speaker 1: because I want to emotionally almost bait this person and 512 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 1: see if they're going to leave. I'm going to bring 513 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,040 Speaker 1: up something from it really doesn't matter. I'm actually not 514 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:47,719 Speaker 1: bothered by it, but I want I want to see 515 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,320 Speaker 1: how far I can push to this person, because you're 516 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,360 Speaker 1: kind of seeking the sense of like people have left 517 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 1: me in the past, people have abandoned me. I want 518 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,520 Speaker 1: to know now whether this person is going to be 519 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,399 Speaker 1: one of those people. So let's put them through a 520 00:27:58,440 --> 00:27:59,960 Speaker 1: little bit of a test here. I think that is 521 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 1: a huge, huge one that we see. Yeah, and that's 522 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,639 Speaker 1: something that you actually need to You need to be 523 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,800 Speaker 1: really honest about that with yourself, because it can become 524 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,879 Speaker 1: really problematic or worse comes to worse, you actually end 525 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,880 Speaker 1: up losing them and you and you didn't need to, 526 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,679 Speaker 1: like you didn't need this person would have been amazing, 527 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 1: but they but they were like, I don't I don't 528 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: feel like this is fair. I don't feel like this 529 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,800 Speaker 1: is justified. They actually have done the healing themselves to 530 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 1: know that they deserve maybe something different. So part of 531 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,119 Speaker 1: that is like communication and being like, hey, actually I'm 532 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: not mad about that. I really just wanted to statify. 533 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:39,920 Speaker 1: Let's unpack that. How do you communicate with your new 534 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: partner when you are reacting that way or kind of 535 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: what you need, whether in those moments where you're trying 536 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:49,440 Speaker 1: to nitpick them, trying to push them away, what you 537 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: actually need. 538 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:51,600 Speaker 2: Then Yeah, So. 539 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,400 Speaker 3: I really relate to this one because it was me 540 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:58,680 Speaker 3: and white twitties, and I remember being in a previous 541 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 3: relationship where whenever we were on holiday, the third day 542 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,320 Speaker 3: would always be an argument, always be an argument, and 543 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,680 Speaker 3: it will always come for me. And again it's a 544 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 3: thing of like, this is a third day with somebody, 545 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 3: how do I know if they still want to spend 546 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:14,160 Speaker 3: time with me? So let me just like pick at 547 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:18,400 Speaker 3: something to see you know that unconsciously, not kind of specifically, 548 00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 3: but like unconsciously it was like, oh, it's like it's 549 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 3: been so intimate. Let me it's almost does it feel safe? 550 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 3: So let me pick at something. One thing that helped 551 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 3: with my relationship now. So we had the most arguments 552 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 3: of our entire relationship in the first year. We actually 553 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:41,160 Speaker 3: don't really argue that much, like we do challenge each other, 554 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,400 Speaker 3: but we were not very argmentative couple. 555 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:47,240 Speaker 2: But in the first year loads and one thing that. 556 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 3: We did was we had on our phone because we 557 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 3: both relate to conflict in very different ways. We had 558 00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 3: on our phone just a note which said, kind of 559 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 3: what do I need when there's conflict? And what does 560 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 3: he need when there's conflict? So he needs five minutes 561 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 3: ten minutes to like go reflect, think about things. Was 562 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:13,200 Speaker 3: I'm someone that wants to be like I want answers now, 563 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:17,400 Speaker 3: So then we came we kind of had an agreement 564 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,560 Speaker 3: of what we would do. Let's have ten to fifteen minutes. 565 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 3: I write down what I need to write down, and 566 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 3: then I talk to you about it, and then you 567 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 3: go away and you respond, let's respond to it. And 568 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 3: another thing that I also tell to clients when they 569 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 3: feel triggered in a new relationship is to write down 570 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 3: what your triggers are and to share that with your partner. 571 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,960 Speaker 3: And obviously that list might grow, that's fine, but to 572 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,800 Speaker 3: share that with your new partner and also tell them, 573 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 3: you know, share on the list what you might need 574 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,000 Speaker 3: when you are triggered. So do you need them to 575 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,760 Speaker 3: leave you alone? Do you need them to give you 576 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 3: a hug? Do you need them to say, let's go 577 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 3: for a walk or let mean just you stay in 578 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,720 Speaker 3: the living room where I'll go and make you something 579 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:59,320 Speaker 3: to eat or order something to eat, whatever it is 580 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,120 Speaker 3: you communicating to them, you know, almost like a first 581 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 3: aid kit of what to do when you're triggered, because 582 00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:08,480 Speaker 3: they're going to be like, oh my gosh, they're triggered, 583 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,400 Speaker 3: they're angry at me, or they're this or this, What 584 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:12,840 Speaker 3: the hell do I do in this situation? So you're 585 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,320 Speaker 3: at least giving them a tool box that they can 586 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,600 Speaker 3: make use of, and then you're also getting what you 587 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:17,480 Speaker 3: need at the same time. 588 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:22,480 Speaker 1: That is such a good suggestion, like such a good 589 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,400 Speaker 1: skill because I'm the same I'm like, I need you 590 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:27,720 Speaker 1: to validate, I need you to tell me it's all 591 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,480 Speaker 1: okay right now, Otherwise I'm gonna lose my fucking shit, 592 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,760 Speaker 1: Like I'm going to panic, I'm going to throw up, 593 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,880 Speaker 1: Like not throw up, but I'm just gonna feel really upset. 594 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,920 Speaker 1: I'm going to feel really anxious. I love the idea 595 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,280 Speaker 1: of that. I also think I'm going to add to 596 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:48,320 Speaker 1: this just if you really struggle with being honest with 597 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 1: someone around what's happened in the past, around what you need, 598 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,440 Speaker 1: me and my partner do this thing called vulnerable chats 599 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:58,240 Speaker 1: where we'll be like, hey, I want to have vulnerable 600 00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 1: chats tonight. Tonight is the night that we're gonna have 601 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:03,840 Speaker 1: vulnerable chats, and so we both kind of get into 602 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,280 Speaker 1: a headspace of like, okay, like let's be a little 603 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:08,720 Speaker 1: bit nicer to each other, not that wayever mean, but 604 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:13,000 Speaker 1: like let's be particularly gentle. Let's like make this a 605 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: gentle environment and set ourselves up for success here so 606 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:22,800 Speaker 1: that neither person feels, you know, not threatened, but like, yeah, 607 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:25,520 Speaker 1: threatened by the other person, not because the other person 608 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:27,320 Speaker 1: is trying to be threatening, but just because they're not 609 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 1: prepared for what's happening, Like they're not prepared for a 610 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:33,520 Speaker 1: big reveal or like a big truth session. So I 611 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,960 Speaker 1: think that that is. But I'm gonna use your skills. 612 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,520 Speaker 1: I'm gonna use your little tip as well. I think 613 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 1: it's amazing. So I have one final question for you. 614 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,920 Speaker 1: What do you think is your perspective here? Do you 615 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,320 Speaker 1: need to be fully healed before you enter into a 616 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 1: new relationship or can you allow love to heal you 617 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,440 Speaker 1: or can you heal whilst you're in a new relationship. 618 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:03,280 Speaker 3: So I don't believe in the idea of anyone being 619 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 3: fully healed. Yeah, Like you've read the book, like the 620 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,760 Speaker 3: first page was my therapist, that's why I asked you 621 00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:12,280 Speaker 3: that question. 622 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:12,880 Speaker 2: That's not real. 623 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:14,760 Speaker 1: I'm setting you up for a. 624 00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:18,400 Speaker 3: Particular So the first page in my book is that 625 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,280 Speaker 3: me in therapy and saying, oh my god, I can't 626 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 3: wait to be this amazingly fully healed person. It's going 627 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:26,880 Speaker 3: to be amazing. I could just live the rest of 628 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:30,520 Speaker 3: my life. And then my therapist is like, yeah, Tasha, 629 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:34,520 Speaker 3: that's not real. Yeah there's no such thing. And like 630 00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 3: my jaw dropping and feeling like my parents just told 631 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 3: me that Santa Calls doesn't exist. But yeah, it's like, 632 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:45,200 Speaker 3: you know, there is no idea of this fully healed person. 633 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,280 Speaker 3: We are going to be healing and evolving for the 634 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,880 Speaker 3: rest of our lives, right until the very end of 635 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,320 Speaker 3: our lives. And I think that's the most beautiful thing 636 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,280 Speaker 3: about being human, is that we are going to be 637 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,840 Speaker 3: always changing and knowing about ourselves more and more each day. 638 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,280 Speaker 2: I think think it does help to have it. 639 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:04,840 Speaker 3: Every helps to have had some healing work before you 640 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 3: go into relationship. 641 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,239 Speaker 2: I would say it's absolutely vital. 642 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:13,440 Speaker 3: But it will add some ease into having you know, 643 00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:16,640 Speaker 3: self awareness of you know, we are part of the relationship. 644 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,799 Speaker 3: If you haven't experienced any healing before relationship, then you know. 645 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:23,120 Speaker 2: It's going to be tough. 646 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:25,319 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie it will it will be very 647 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:29,120 Speaker 3: triug good at times. But it also depends on the 648 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:32,160 Speaker 3: person that you're with, and maybe they've done some healing work, 649 00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:35,840 Speaker 3: or maybe they have some self awareness, and being in 650 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,040 Speaker 3: their presence might teach you about your own self awareness 651 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:42,320 Speaker 3: and healing as well. But there are so many great 652 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,759 Speaker 3: resources like this podcast and great books, and you know, 653 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:48,200 Speaker 3: there's so many things that you can access now that 654 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,120 Speaker 3: even if you are in a relationship and you're like, 655 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:54,200 Speaker 3: oh crap, I haven't done years of therapy yet, that's fine. 656 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:58,080 Speaker 3: You know, it's never too late. Just it's about giving 657 00:34:58,120 --> 00:34:59,800 Speaker 3: yourself grace and space. 658 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:05,279 Speaker 1: Yeah, grace. I love the idea of grace. It's like 659 00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:09,920 Speaker 1: self forgiveness, Like you are never going to be the best, 660 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:11,880 Speaker 1: the best partner, Like you're never going to be a 661 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:17,040 Speaker 1: fully perfect partner, parent, friend, colleague, anything like it's always 662 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:18,640 Speaker 1: going to be a bit of a work in progress. 663 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,120 Speaker 1: And I love what you said about I don't think 664 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,279 Speaker 1: you can ever be fully healed, and you can. You 665 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:26,960 Speaker 1: can approach that and be like that is terrifying I'm 666 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,680 Speaker 1: going to hold back from love because I remember when 667 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:32,200 Speaker 1: I was like dating again after my last relationship, which 668 00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:34,640 Speaker 1: was terrible, I was like, I don't want to meet 669 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:36,560 Speaker 1: the love of my life as the version of myself 670 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:39,200 Speaker 1: I am right now. I don't think that if I 671 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:40,799 Speaker 1: met the love of my life, they would love me 672 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,799 Speaker 1: because there's so much work. 673 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:44,000 Speaker 2: To be done. 674 00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,640 Speaker 1: And then the more I kind of went on, I 675 00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:49,560 Speaker 1: was like, well, I don't think that. I think that, 676 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:51,799 Speaker 1: you know, if they wouldn't be able to love me 677 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,239 Speaker 1: as well if I was perfect, Like, there are things 678 00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 1: that I would want to share with them that wouldn't 679 00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:58,799 Speaker 1: would be messy and would be ugly, but I would 680 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:00,920 Speaker 1: hope that they would risk that and I would be 681 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 1: willing to receive that from them. So I think that's 682 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:08,880 Speaker 1: a really beautiful place to end it. Any final thoughts, No. 683 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,080 Speaker 3: I guess it's just I was just thinking about what 684 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:15,040 Speaker 3: you just said, and as another thing, but just another 685 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:17,560 Speaker 3: thing that can often substage just in their relationships, is 686 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,799 Speaker 3: when we're trying to be yeah, perfect, or trying to 687 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:26,719 Speaker 3: be perfect for our partner but not actually be all 688 00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:31,560 Speaker 3: authentic selves. So allow your partner to see the mess 689 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:35,760 Speaker 3: they need to you need to let your messages exist 690 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 3: together so that you can like heel through it together 691 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:38,680 Speaker 3: as well. 692 00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:40,239 Speaker 2: And I think that's really important. 693 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,680 Speaker 3: And that's when the real relationship happens, is when you 694 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:45,480 Speaker 3: can both be reallyable with each other. 695 00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's when the real relationship happens. Absolutely, that's like 696 00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:52,360 Speaker 1: the perfect place to like, that is a perfect final 697 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:56,080 Speaker 1: message to leave with the listeners. I really hope that 698 00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,160 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode. I hope you learned something. Tasha, 699 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:01,040 Speaker 1: Thank you so much much for coming on. That was 700 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,240 Speaker 1: such an amazing kind of insight, such a great conversation. 701 00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:07,400 Speaker 1: I feel like I learned a lot. Where can listeners 702 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 1: find you? Because you are one of my favorite creators. 703 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:14,120 Speaker 1: I love your work. I learn from your work, and 704 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 1: I think that everyone should have a bit more positivity 705 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:19,000 Speaker 1: in their feed Where can they find you on the 706 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:19,920 Speaker 1: internet elsewhere? 707 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:23,600 Speaker 3: So you can find me on Instagram and TikTok as 708 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,640 Speaker 3: real talk, dot therapist, and I also have a sub 709 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,759 Speaker 3: stack and I also have a book, so yeah, lots 710 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:30,280 Speaker 3: of places. 711 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,480 Speaker 1: Yes, the book is called real Talk. It will be 712 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:36,560 Speaker 1: linked in this episode description. It's incredible. I really it 713 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: is the perfectly companion guide. If you are you know 714 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:42,319 Speaker 1: trying to learn more about yourself. Obviously you can never 715 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,719 Speaker 1: be fully healed, but trying to just figure out where 716 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,120 Speaker 1: you sit in the world and how to be a 717 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:49,040 Speaker 1: better version of you and really show up for yourself. 718 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:53,160 Speaker 1: So once again, thank you so much, and as always, 719 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,839 Speaker 1: if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave 720 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:59,520 Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're 721 00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:02,200 Speaker 1: listening right now, make sure you give us a follow 722 00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:05,320 Speaker 1: at that psychology podcast. If you have an episode suggestion, 723 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,160 Speaker 1: or just a question, just a thought of feeling, whatever 724 00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:11,479 Speaker 1: it may be, We would love to see you over there, 725 00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:15,720 Speaker 1: and we will be back next week with another episode.