WEBVTT - Back in the Saddle Again 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:06.000 This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:09.920 Chris Harrison and Lauren z Ema coming to you today 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:13.080 to talk about something we have been talking a lot 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:13.680 about lately. 0:00:13.920 --> 0:00:16.480 We have been diving deep and it has been emotional, 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:17.279 it has been. 0:00:18.600 --> 0:00:20.239 Sometimes fraught with peril. 0:00:20.680 --> 0:00:23.640 We've been talking a lot with our own moms lately 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:27.880 about their love lives. My mom is in a relationship, 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:31.680 Chris's mom is single, my mom is a widow, Chris's 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:35.720 mom is divorced. And we've been talking about love later 0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:39.440 in life, and we might have to have our moms 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:42.080 on at some point because I think they would tell you, 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:45.400 oh God, what did I do before I had you 0:00:46.120 --> 0:00:48.199 to tell me how to live my life? And they 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:50.200 would say we might be weighing in too much. 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:53.159 We are, for sure, we are. And when I say we, 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:57.760 but oh, you mean you think me? I think I 0:00:57.800 --> 0:01:00.639 think you think you definitely love it more than I do. 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:03.680 I don't know if I love it more, but I 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:07.280 think I meddle more. I think I'm a fixer. Maybe 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:10.959 women are fixers, and I want the moms to be happy, 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:13.319 but I mean you're a little more step aside. 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:15.679 Well, in all seriousness, though, this is something that it's 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:17.760 not just my mom's. There's there's someone else in my 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:20.319 life that I love dearly. And I find it interesting 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:24.039 when they say, look, i'm done. You know, I don't. 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:25.640 I don't want anybody in my house. I don't want 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:28.000 anybody in my life. I like the way, you know, 0:01:28.080 --> 0:01:30.680 things the way they are, and I want to sleep 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:33.040 on my own bed and all this. There's a lot 0:01:33.080 --> 0:01:36.000 of issues that change as we get older, and I'm 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:38.320 saying much older. I'm a fifty ten year old man, 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:41.320 so we're going much older than that, and so I 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:43.920 find it interesting to dive into these topics. And you know, 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:46.200 we can debate this stuff all day long, but we 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:48.760 wanted to bring on some experts to talk about this. 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:51.520 Yes, we've you know, we've gone through in our heads 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:53.520 like is saying I'm just ready to be alone? 0:01:54.160 --> 0:01:54.640 Is that real? 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:58.280 Or is it just a defense mechanism. We've asked what is? 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:01.720 You know, like, what is how can we really advise 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:06.080 on dating to our moms even when we've never dated 0:02:06.080 --> 0:02:07.720 at that age and they have told us you don't 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:10.120 understand what it's like. So we wanted to bring on 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:12.520 some experts who do understand what it's like. We are 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:17.000 joined today by the incredible doctor Gloria Horseley. She is 0:02:17.040 --> 0:02:21.320 a licensed marriage and family therapist, and doctor Frank Powers. 0:02:21.320 --> 0:02:22.359 He has a PhD. 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:27.000 He is a licensed psychologist with a private practice. So 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:32.240 both incredibly accomplished individuals on their own, but they are 0:02:32.280 --> 0:02:36.680 now in a relationship. And doctor Gloria is a widow 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:39.600 herself after sixty years of marriage. She lost her husband 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:44.240 and doctor Frank is divorced. So the two of them 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:46.840 found each other later in life are now partners. They 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:50.119 work together, they love each other, and they are going 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.160 to join us to talk about how to find love 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:56.080 later in life, in part because they are releasing on 0:02:56.280 --> 0:03:00.440 Valentine's Day their new book, Open to Love, the Grits 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:03.959 of Senior Dating, were they detail how they both found 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:05.359 this happy relationship. 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:08.160 So Mom, get out the notebook, get out the number 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:09.959 two pencil, Get ready to take some notes because we 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:10.720 are diving in. 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:11.960 Hey. 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:15.920 Hey, we've got our People magazine here. 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:23.880 Well, it's so nice to meet you too. Oh my gosh, 0:03:23.960 --> 0:03:25.440 we are so excited for this. 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:26.160 Now. 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:30.040 We already recorded a little intro hyping you up a 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:31.680 minute ago, so if it's okay, we'll. 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:32.160 Dive right in. 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:34.800 You guys are so sweet. Thank you very much. Yes, 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:38.760 we obviously just got married. It was beautiful. But what 0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:43.520 we're talking about today is after that later, later in 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.560 life is their love later. And you guys are living 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:49.440 proof first of all that that there is. So before 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:51.760 we talk about we have so many questions for you, 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:55.160 talk about yourselves and how you both found love. 0:03:55.320 --> 0:03:56.320 What is story? 0:03:56.440 --> 0:03:58.080 I think I'll start with it because. 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:05.280 So three years ago, my husband of sixty years died 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:09.960 of staff infection after a surgery. And I'm a psychologist 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:12.440 and I've been practicing for forty years, and I had 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.720 all sorts of advice for myself, but anyway. 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:17.160 I am following it. 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:19.400 I got into a grief group. 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:20.159 Of course. 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:23.680 There I met a guy, Steve, whose wife had died 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:27.800 two days after Phil. And he's an avid golfer and 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:30.359 I am an avid golfer. And we just went golfing 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:35.560 every day with this guy that all mad golfing through grief. Well, 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:41.239 after a book months we started living together and Steve 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:44.200 and I and then we had Christmas come and I 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:48.440 had twenty seven family members all go to Hawaii together with. 0:04:48.279 --> 0:04:49.640 Steve and I. 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:50.760 He ghost. 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:54.159 And I stayed a little longer, and he sent me 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:57.599 an email saying, you know, I can't handle this. I'm 0:04:57.760 --> 0:04:59.640 leaving the key to the house. We had to joint 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:02.600 bank and the money's on the calendra. I'm leaving the 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:03.400 key to the house. 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.480 Then my jaw is on the floor. 0:05:06.760 --> 0:05:08.599 Steve, oh dish me. 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:12.279 So I'm in Pellow, I mean in Hawaii, in a 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:15.720 hotel room, and I get COVID. So I've had out. 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:18.320 I had COVID, So I thought, well, what am I 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:20.400 going to do? I think I'll write a book for 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:25.120 widows because I've learned so much from this crazy relationship 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:26.960 and all the stuff that widows go through. 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:28.760 Then I'm going to write a book on widows. 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:31.400 Well, it turns out that Steve had told me that 0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:34.960 he had done some online dating and had met some 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:37.440 other women online, although he made me in a grief group. 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:40.760 So I thought, I got to go online. If I'm 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:42.600 going to write a book for widows. I don't know, 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:45.479 and I've never been online, never thought about it, never, 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:48.200 But I've got to do it. So I'm in the 0:05:48.279 --> 0:05:50.359 room and I type away and I sign up for 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:54.200 Silver Singles, the one that came up for people who 0:05:54.240 --> 0:06:00.360 are over fifty, which I'm way over a few years. 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:04.599 So anyway, I met a couple of people. One of 0:06:04.640 --> 0:06:06.080 them was Frank and. 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:08.960 The other one was named Dave, and he was a 0:06:09.080 --> 0:06:11.880 shriner and had Dave on this when he met her 0:06:12.120 --> 0:06:18.599 for a topic. After that, I looked pretty good. 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:22.800 A prince, a prince to go. 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:28.440 Yeah, so I went online and Frank and I texted 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:30.640 a little bit. But we suggest you don't spend a 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:34.000 lot of time with people before you meet them, you know, online, 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:34.720 unless you liked it. 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:37.240 We both had website, so we knew that we were 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:38.560 a little bit legitimate. 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:42.040 So yeah, he's I agree with you take it offline 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:42.800 as soon as you came. 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:46.160 He's a sculptor as well as a psychologist. So anyway, 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:50.920 we met, went to the Grassroots restaurant and I was 0:06:50.960 --> 0:06:53.280 staying with my sister for a year. 0:06:54.360 --> 0:06:57.480 I don't know if you guys have had any experience 0:06:57.520 --> 0:07:00.279 with online dating, but a lot of time is the 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:04.960 people's profile and a way in which they talk on 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:08.480 the phone is quite different when you meet them in person. Wow, 0:07:08.560 --> 0:07:12.000 this is on one of my first experiences where she 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:17.480 looked better than her from Oh my god, I've got 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:20.320 to do something and then she tells me that the 0:07:20.360 --> 0:07:23.040 only reason she's there is because she's writing a book. 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:28.200 He's not really, I'm not really joining by the way. 0:07:28.560 --> 0:07:30.600 You were being used, Frank. 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:35.040 I was prestfallen for about ten minutes, and I realized, Hey, 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:37.760 we're having too much fun this. You know, this might 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:39.760 be more than just research. 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:44.880 I love it so how quickly after that first date 0:07:45.600 --> 0:07:46.240 was this, Oh. 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:49.000 My gosh, to get married after two weeks and my 0:07:49.080 --> 0:07:50.440 daughter's she. 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:55.440 Was having surgery, shoulder surgery two days after I met her. 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.800 So I really, in a sense weaseled my way in 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:01.720 by being a big hairtaker for her while she had 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:08.120 her surge, taking these places, I know, entertaining her all 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:10.880 about Arizona because she didn't know much about Arizona. 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:14.160 And Frank, were you are you? 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:17.600 Were you divorced for about a year and a half, 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:19.240 and I was kind of dis. 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:24.920 Yeah, and I thought, oh, well, I had some luck 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:29.520 meeting people, good people on sober singles in the past, 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:31.840 so I'll go back on one last try. 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:34.960 Thank god it worked out perfectly. 0:08:35.120 --> 0:08:35.680 Thank God. 0:08:36.520 --> 0:08:40.240 I'm interested. You know, you both have two very different 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:44.280 yet similar experiences. What differences have you found in your 0:08:44.320 --> 0:08:48.559 research from those that are widowers as opposed to just divorced. 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:51.480 There is some differences. That's very soon on your part. 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:56.720 There there are several differences because divorce has one connotation 0:08:57.000 --> 0:08:59.600 within society and divorce has another. 0:08:59.760 --> 0:09:02.760 You know, it's a lot smoother for widows and it 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:06.400 is for divorces because everybody feels. 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:08.360 Sorry for you. They'll invite you out, you know. 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:11.480 I know eventually the widows say that the couples don't 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:14.360 want to invite him anymore because unfortunately. 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:18.040 Dirses have a failure kind of attached to them. 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:20.240 Well, that's what's funny is we just assumed that the 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:22.960 widower had this great love affair, and if it wasn't 0:09:23.040 --> 0:09:25.160 it wonderful perfect. 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:29.959 I was married for sixty years to the most perfect 0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:34.040 person exactly. Although I will tell you my husband, before 0:09:34.040 --> 0:09:36.200 he died, give me he said to me, you know, Gloria, 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:38.840 you're going to be with someone else, because we knew 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:41.720 he was in big trouble. And I said, no, no, no, 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:44.560 He said, I am telling you you are going to 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:46.120 be Phil was a special guy. 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:47.280 He was. 0:09:48.360 --> 0:09:50.680 You know, I never thought i'd find two loves of 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:51.760 my life. 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:56.280 I have good answer, good answer that you know, Gloria, 0:09:56.320 --> 0:09:59.840 can I go back to the ghoster for a second, Steve, 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:03.360 Because my mom is a widow and she also joined 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:06.160 a grief group and she didn't do it, but she said, 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.040 I was so surprised by how many people in the 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:10.800 grief group started dating each other. 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.480 So do you think that, like. 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:16.000 Like, I mean, I'm not okay with Steve ghosting you 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:17.960 the way he did, But do you do you think 0:10:18.000 --> 0:10:20.719 maybe like do you have a thought in your head, 0:10:20.800 --> 0:10:23.800 especially being a psychologist, of maybe he thought maybe I 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:26.960 rushed into this too quickly? Or what is your recommendation 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:30.400 from your professional perspective on people meeting in that way 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:31.320 and what kind of stay? 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:35.360 Can I tell you I broke all my own rules. 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:39.160 I lived there those for forty years. My advice is 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:42.600 number one, don't do anything for the first year. Well, 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:45.240 I owned a house in Carmela, California, and I sold 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:50.600 it within months. And yeah, after Phil passed away, and 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:54.200 I would have always said don't date. But I will 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:57.760 tell you meeting somebody in a grief group and grieving 0:10:57.800 --> 0:11:01.480 together was very supportive for me. In fact, I don't 0:11:01.480 --> 0:11:04.200 think I would have been with Frank had that not happened, 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:08.160 because I was, you know, already realized what it was 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:10.000 like to be in a relationship and a widow. 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:12.920 I'm very grateful to see because I really think he 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:16.880 helped set up the situation because I probably would have 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:22.640 been very leary knowing that she had only been grieving 0:11:22.720 --> 0:11:24.120 for a short period of time. 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:27.679 Right, You're thinking, is she in the right place for 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:28.400 a relationship? 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:31.160 The energy is all eaten up by the process of 0:11:31.920 --> 0:11:35.880 adjustment to the loss, and it's awful. It is awful. 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.480 I had a special circumstance. Also, you know, I started 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:42.640 a foundation called Open to Hope for helping people find 0:11:42.679 --> 0:11:45.679 hope after loss, which is related to the death of 0:11:45.679 --> 0:11:48.960 my son when he was seventeen in an automobile absent. 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:52.960 So I actually had had a really profound loss, and 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:55.240 I think that makes the difference. You know, what has 0:11:55.280 --> 0:11:57.840 happened in your background. I think that's part of the 0:11:57.880 --> 0:12:01.160 reason that people are so different in the grieving process, 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:06.120 because we have so many different learned experiences and lived experiences. 0:12:06.679 --> 0:12:10.000 So I think it made a difference. Because Steve actually 0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:12.280 told me Frank and I have run into him at 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:14.440 the Senior Center. In fact, we've had dinner with him, 0:12:15.000 --> 0:12:18.800 and he I'm very grateful to him, Frank. 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:23.080 And yeah, stepping Stone, Steve, thank you. 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:24.439 Well. 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:27.960 He came to a presentation with us and afterward and 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:30.679 we did a Senior Center presentation that's where we saw him, 0:12:30.920 --> 0:12:33.280 and afterward he said, you know, you got to give 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:34.480 me credit for this book. 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:43.640 So you know, it just depends. But my wonderful Sage 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:44.640 advice was. 0:12:44.600 --> 0:12:47.040 Don't do anything for the first year, don't make any 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:48.960 big moves, you know, probably don't want to. 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:49.959 Date and all that. 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:52.280 And and I actually worked for you. 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:56.360 Yeah, and so are you glad you broke all your 0:12:56.360 --> 0:12:58.480 own rules? And do you still give that advice or 0:12:58.480 --> 0:12:59.240 has it changed? 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:00.760 Oh my god, I just. 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:08.199 I'm it has worked out so well for me breaking 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:09.240 all the rules of me. 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:12.400 But do you still do you still give that advice 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:14.800 like don't do anything for the first year, or has 0:13:14.840 --> 0:13:16.480 that changed now because you've got a new book of 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:17.319 advice coming out. 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:20.120 I would say you need to think about it. I mean, 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:22.040 you need to just think about it. 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:23.160 It's very individual. 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:25.679 Yeah, you need to weigh back and forth. I mean, 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:28.840 you just don't know what people have been through. And 0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:31.800 also we've got a special factor is the fact that 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:36.280 I'm eighty four in francs eighty and so we have 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:39.360 not a lot of years left. 0:13:39.640 --> 0:13:40.600 Time is of the essence. 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:42.120 Oh, I thought you were just saying, you know, I 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:43.640 thought you were about to say, because so I'm doing 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:44.320 a younger guy. 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:45.320 So you know I. 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:50.319 Have a cougar. 0:14:03.600 --> 0:14:06.160 In your research. I'm curious what you found and what 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:10.040 you have both found. As people get older, we add 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:12.880 excuses to not find love again, to not get back 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:15.240 out there, of like I'm happy, I don't need this, 0:14:16.120 --> 0:14:16.720 i don't want. 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:18.120 To deal with somebody else. I've got my life. 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:21.680 I don't want someone to my stuff. Let's start breaking 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:24.520 down some of these barriers of why we should get 0:14:24.560 --> 0:14:26.720 back in the game and find love and find campaigns. 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:30.000 You know, for women, I hear so many widowed women 0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:33.320 make this statement. There's a little thing called I don't 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:37.240 want to be a nurse or a purse, big concern. 0:14:38.240 --> 0:14:41.960 I know someone who says that exact line, Chris is mom. 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:43.080 I'm going to call her out. 0:14:43.160 --> 0:14:45.400 We can even just say it's my mom. 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:48.360 Yeah, she is not a widower, but she says that 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:49.600 statement all the time. 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:51.320 I can't believe you just said that. She says it 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:51.920 all the time. 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:54.240 Okay, let's break that. Let's break that down. 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:56.160 Okay, Well, here's the deal. 0:14:56.480 --> 0:15:01.480 There are male and female nurses, and society wants women 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:04.920 to take over those roles. And you know, for sixty years, 0:15:04.960 --> 0:15:08.080 my husband had had like seven back surgeries, so I 0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:11.040 was in that role. So Frank and I have been 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:13.320 really clear with him that I do not. 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.600 Want to be We do not want caretaker syndrome. And 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:22.280 that's a very serious problem for seniors, particularly falling into 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:26.000 that role. Because my aunt, who absolutely adored with my 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:30.360 second mother, took care of my uncle and she was 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:34.560 a lovely lady, but caretaker syndrome made her into a shrew. 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:38.480 She was awful. I couldn't be around them, and here 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.840 was a trained therapist, and I could not help the 0:15:42.080 --> 0:15:46.120 two of them because caretaker syndrome is really. 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:48.160 I think you're shedding. 0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:51.280 You're already answering a question that we wanted to ask you, guys, 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:53.960 So I'm glad you are, which is like we were 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:56.400 just talking about how before you get into a relationship. 0:15:56.880 --> 0:15:59.480 You know, we counsel our college kids on this. You 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:01.920 talk about do we want to have kids? Where do 0:16:01.960 --> 0:16:03.960 you kind of see yourself living? What do you and 0:16:04.000 --> 0:16:06.120 what you guys are getting into it sounds like is 0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:07.880 at an older age? 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:09.280 What are those deal breakers? 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:12.680 What are those conversations you have before you enter a relationship. 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:16.000 Absolutely, I'll tell you what happened with Frank and I 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:19.200 Frank needs knee surgery. Okay, He's going to have a 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:24.040 total needs replacement, and so we have decided that he 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:27.600 will not I will not take care of him. He 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:31.000 will hire nurses to take care of him, and so 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:35.480 we but the healthcare system does not want that to happen. 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:39.400 And they're like, she got really criticized because she was 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:41.360 not going to take care of me. And I was 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:45.160 sitting there listening to this doctor goes through this thing 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:47.320 about God. 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:48.720 He'll do much better at home. 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:52.360 We've got research that I care too much about the relationship. 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:53.680 I don't want to put it in jeopardy. 0:16:54.320 --> 0:16:57.560 So so I decide I get a hold of my girlfriend. 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:02.120 Frank's gonna have knee surgery right over Christmas. Okay, So 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:04.920 I get a hold of my girlfriend and we buy 0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:05.920 tickets to Hawaii. 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:08.440 So and Frank. 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:12.720 Tells the guy at the hospital like, well, isn't your 0:17:12.840 --> 0:17:14.360 fiance going to take care of you? 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:17.200 And Frank says, her mother died. 0:17:19.119 --> 0:17:20.840 I had to figure something really quick. 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:27.720 Great, my mother is one hundred and twelve. 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:31.720 Yeah she's doing great. 0:17:31.880 --> 0:17:32.320 Wow. 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:36.600 Critical tell critical lies, okay, good advice, tell strategic lies. 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:40.520 So my girlfriend and I go to Hawaii. Five o'clock 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:44.000 in the morning. I get a telephone call. I wake up. 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.400 It's Frank. He says, you're not going to believe this. 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.320 They took me in the gjourney to the to do this. 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:51.960 So I had an IVY in. I was ten feet 0:17:52.040 --> 0:17:54.440 from the surgery room. 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:58.600 Anisthesiologist says, Oh no, we can't do it today. 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:00.800 Sorry, you too high. 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:03.359 Oh no, she's in Hawaii. 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.720 So I hope you bought a ticket Christmas. 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:11.480 Christmas in Hawaii. I did come back and move it. 0:18:11.760 --> 0:18:14.880 But he's going to have it in April in Arizona, 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.880 which is hot. I'm going to go to California, I said, 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:20.960 But this time, Frank, I'm going to drive to California 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:25.000 because I want to take you to the to. 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:26.600 The Oh yeah, she wants to make sure I. 0:18:28.080 --> 0:18:31.800 Did roll you into the operating room and I will 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:33.480 roll off to the parking lot. 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:38.480 To day theologist anymore. 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:40.400 I feel like I just saw this is like took 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:43.080 me back to the friend's episode, it's like, you know, 0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:45.119 when she wanted to make sure Chandler was off to Yemen. 0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:47.040 I want to see you get on the plane and 0:18:47.040 --> 0:18:47.560 go to Yemen. 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:51.840 So one of those it sounds like one thing you 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:54.920 push people past is this concern of the nurse or 0:18:55.000 --> 0:18:57.919 the purse and that you found real world ways of 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:01.080 being like, look, we're gonna get a different We're going 0:19:01.119 --> 0:19:02.320 to do a different thing. What are some of the 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:04.960 other barriers you see with people finding love? 0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:07.840 Let me say one thing about the purse first, because 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:10.479 this is the money thing is big. 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:11.960 It is big. 0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:14.760 It's big for your kids, it's big for the world. 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:18.600 Nobody is going to date somebody who has exactly the 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:20.960 same amount of money in their bank account. 0:19:21.720 --> 0:19:24.720 And it's usually not romantic to talk about money when 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:28.400 you're dating and stuff like that. But if you want 0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:30.879 the relationships your last, you have to deal with the 0:19:31.200 --> 0:19:35.240 issue if there's a difference in the amount of money 0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:37.760 that we have, and that in most cases there is 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:40.000 going to be a little bit of a difference, and 0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:42.439 how do you want to deal with that? You how 0:19:42.600 --> 0:19:44.960 And that's one of the issues that comes up again 0:19:45.200 --> 0:19:49.879 is for people our age is do you get married, 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:54.320 or you do not, you know, because what is the 0:19:54.400 --> 0:19:58.919 issue around marriage? You're not going to have children, And really, 0:19:58.960 --> 0:20:03.119 in a sense it does help out and make sure 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:06.840 that the only people who benefit sometimes in the process, 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:11.760 especially around divorce, is the lawyers. So if you really 0:20:11.760 --> 0:20:14.320 want to eliminate money as an issue, and you know 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:17.280 that you're together for the right reasons, you either have 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.600 to get a prenup, which is not all that safe, 0:20:21.840 --> 0:20:25.240 or you don't get married and therefore it's not an issue. 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:29.640