WEBVTT - Would it be helpful?

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio.

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<v Speaker 2>Good Morning, This is Laura.

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<v Speaker 3>Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's tip is that

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<v Speaker 3>when you're talking with someone about a challenge they are facing,

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<v Speaker 3>don't assume what they want from you. Instead, ask what

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<v Speaker 3>would be helpful and then go from there. So sometimes

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<v Speaker 3>when a friend or family member or colleague is telling

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<v Speaker 3>you about a struggle, they want you to help them

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<v Speaker 3>figure out how to deal with it, or maybe they

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<v Speaker 3>want you to sort it out yourself. Other times, however,

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<v Speaker 3>they may just want to vent and hear that you understand.

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<v Speaker 3>The problem is that it's not always obvious which to

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<v Speaker 3>direction the person wants you to go. Given that we

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<v Speaker 3>can't read minds, the next best option is to ask.

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<v Speaker 3>When you find yourself listening to another person's struggles, before

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<v Speaker 3>you offer ideas or solutions, you can simply say, would

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<v Speaker 3>it be helpful for me to offer some ideas? Don't

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<v Speaker 3>assume the person wants your advice or even your ideas

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<v Speaker 3>about what options they may have. Wait for their invitation

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<v Speaker 3>before you start sharing your thoughts. This is even more

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<v Speaker 3>important if your first inclination is to get involved in

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<v Speaker 3>dealing with the issue yourself. Don't just jump in and

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<v Speaker 3>start helping. Ask whether they would like you to get

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<v Speaker 3>involved in a specific way. Would it be helpful for

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<v Speaker 3>me to pick up Kate from school this afternoon? Or

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<v Speaker 3>do you want me to bring up Thanksgiving plans with mom?

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<v Speaker 3>Or should I start going through resumes to hire someone new.

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<v Speaker 3>Maybe the person will take you up on this offer

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<v Speaker 3>to help. But if the person tells you that they

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<v Speaker 3>just want you to listen, well you should, in fact

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<v Speaker 3>just listen, don't do anything else. Maybe you have heard

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<v Speaker 3>the admonition don't just stand there, do something, but that

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<v Speaker 3>is not always the best advice. Other times, the best

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<v Speaker 3>way you can be a friend is the opposite, by

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<v Speaker 3>simply listening and being present. Don't just do something. Stand there,

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<v Speaker 3>As the pro listeners among us say, your presence and

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<v Speaker 3>your listening empathetic ear may be exactly what the other

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<v Speaker 3>person needs. A recent article in The New York Times

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<v Speaker 3>shared a question that some teachers at an elementary school

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<v Speaker 3>ask when a student is upset. Do you want to

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<v Speaker 3>be helped, heard or hugged. I love that the teacher

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<v Speaker 3>makes it clear that she is ready to support the student,

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<v Speaker 3>and that the student is the one who gets to

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<v Speaker 3>decide how the teacher provides support, helped, heard, or hugged.

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<v Speaker 3>Of course, sometimes you are on the other side of

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<v Speaker 3>this interaction when you are describing your own challenges tell

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<v Speaker 3>people directly what you would like them to do. You

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<v Speaker 3>might say something like I'd love any ideas you have

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<v Speaker 3>for dealing with this, or I'm not looking for solutions,

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<v Speaker 3>I just need to vent. When you or a person

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<v Speaker 3>you are talking with is experiencing something difficult, emotions may

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<v Speaker 3>be running high. So it's why is not to assume

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<v Speaker 3>that you have a shared understanding of what your roles are. Instead,

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<v Speaker 3>be explicit by telling other person what role you would

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<v Speaker 3>like them to play, or asking the other person what

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<v Speaker 3>role they would like you to play. When we are

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<v Speaker 3>clear and honest about what we need, we can all

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<v Speaker 3>support each other better. In the meantime, this is Laura.

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<v Speaker 3>Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of

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<v Speaker 3>our talks.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey, everybody, I'd love to hear from you. You can

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<v Speaker 2>send me your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just

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<v Speaker 2>connect with me on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram at before

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<v Speaker 2>Breakfast Pod that's b E the number four then breakfast Pod.

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<v Speaker 2>You can also shoot me an email.

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<v Speaker 1>At before Breakfast podcasts at iHeartMedia dot com that before

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<v Speaker 1>Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters.

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<v Speaker 3>Thanks so much, I look forward to staying in touch.

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<v Speaker 2>Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartRadio.

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