1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 2: Good Morning, This is Laura. 3 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 3: Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's tip is that 4 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,320 Speaker 3: when you're talking with someone about a challenge they are facing, 5 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 3: don't assume what they want from you. Instead, ask what 6 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 3: would be helpful and then go from there. So sometimes 7 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,160 Speaker 3: when a friend or family member or colleague is telling 8 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,239 Speaker 3: you about a struggle, they want you to help them 9 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 3: figure out how to deal with it, or maybe they 10 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,600 Speaker 3: want you to sort it out yourself. Other times, however, 11 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,280 Speaker 3: they may just want to vent and hear that you understand. 12 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 3: The problem is that it's not always obvious which to 13 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 3: direction the person wants you to go. Given that we 14 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:09,400 Speaker 3: can't read minds, the next best option is to ask. 15 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 3: When you find yourself listening to another person's struggles, before 16 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 3: you offer ideas or solutions, you can simply say, would 17 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 3: it be helpful for me to offer some ideas? Don't 18 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:29,759 Speaker 3: assume the person wants your advice or even your ideas 19 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,919 Speaker 3: about what options they may have. Wait for their invitation 20 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 3: before you start sharing your thoughts. This is even more 21 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,160 Speaker 3: important if your first inclination is to get involved in 22 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 3: dealing with the issue yourself. Don't just jump in and 23 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 3: start helping. Ask whether they would like you to get 24 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 3: involved in a specific way. Would it be helpful for 25 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,440 Speaker 3: me to pick up Kate from school this afternoon? Or 26 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 3: do you want me to bring up Thanksgiving plans with mom? 27 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 3: Or should I start going through resumes to hire someone new. 28 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 3: Maybe the person will take you up on this offer 29 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,520 Speaker 3: to help. But if the person tells you that they 30 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 3: just want you to listen, well you should, in fact 31 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:21,040 Speaker 3: just listen, don't do anything else. Maybe you have heard 32 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 3: the admonition don't just stand there, do something, but that 33 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 3: is not always the best advice. Other times, the best 34 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:34,359 Speaker 3: way you can be a friend is the opposite, by 35 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 3: simply listening and being present. Don't just do something. Stand there, 36 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:46,120 Speaker 3: As the pro listeners among us say, your presence and 37 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,239 Speaker 3: your listening empathetic ear may be exactly what the other 38 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 3: person needs. A recent article in The New York Times 39 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 3: shared a question that some teachers at an elementary school 40 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,920 Speaker 3: ask when a student is upset. Do you want to 41 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:07,360 Speaker 3: be helped, heard or hugged. I love that the teacher 42 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 3: makes it clear that she is ready to support the student, 43 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 3: and that the student is the one who gets to 44 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 3: decide how the teacher provides support, helped, heard, or hugged. 45 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 3: Of course, sometimes you are on the other side of 46 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:30,280 Speaker 3: this interaction when you are describing your own challenges tell 47 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 3: people directly what you would like them to do. You 48 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 3: might say something like I'd love any ideas you have 49 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 3: for dealing with this, or I'm not looking for solutions, 50 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 3: I just need to vent. When you or a person 51 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 3: you are talking with is experiencing something difficult, emotions may 52 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 3: be running high. So it's why is not to assume 53 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 3: that you have a shared understanding of what your roles are. Instead, 54 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 3: be explicit by telling other person what role you would 55 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 3: like them to play, or asking the other person what 56 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 3: role they would like you to play. When we are 57 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 3: clear and honest about what we need, we can all 58 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:19,279 Speaker 3: support each other better. In the meantime, this is Laura. 59 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:25,320 Speaker 3: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of 60 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 3: our talks. 61 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 2: Hey, everybody, I'd love to hear from you. You can 62 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 2: send me your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just 63 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 2: connect with me on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram at before 64 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 2: Breakfast Pod that's b E the number four then breakfast Pod. 65 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 2: You can also shoot me an email. 66 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 1: At before Breakfast podcasts at iHeartMedia dot com that before 67 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,679 Speaker 1: Breakfast is spelled out with all the letters. 68 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 3: Thanks so much, I look forward to staying in touch. 69 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,640 Speaker 2: Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartRadio. 70 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple 71 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 2: Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.