1 00:00:15,476 --> 00:00:24,796 Speaker 1: Pushkin as someone who's trained in what the science really 2 00:00:24,796 --> 00:00:27,796 Speaker 1: shows about feeling happier. I often find myself in the 3 00:00:27,836 --> 00:00:31,316 Speaker 1: following unfortunate position. I hear some well intentioned piece of 4 00:00:31,316 --> 00:00:34,276 Speaker 1: happiness advice that's being shared on social media or by 5 00:00:34,276 --> 00:00:37,636 Speaker 1: some self help guru, and I find myself thinking, Wow, 6 00:00:38,276 --> 00:00:42,316 Speaker 1: that piece of advice is just totally friggin wrong, And honestly, 7 00:00:42,396 --> 00:00:44,756 Speaker 1: the expletives I use in my head are usually worse 8 00:00:44,796 --> 00:00:49,316 Speaker 1: than frigate. I'm censoring here because you know family podcast Now. 9 00:00:49,356 --> 00:00:51,076 Speaker 1: I like to think of myself as a nice person, 10 00:00:51,436 --> 00:00:53,196 Speaker 1: so when I hear people getting the facts about the 11 00:00:53,236 --> 00:00:55,756 Speaker 1: science of happiness wrong, I try not to go into 12 00:00:55,796 --> 00:00:58,836 Speaker 1: super harsh takedown mode. Even when dealing with some self 13 00:00:58,876 --> 00:01:02,436 Speaker 1: proclaimed expert, someone who honestly is supposed to know better. 14 00:01:02,836 --> 00:01:05,916 Speaker 1: I tend to use a kinder, gentler approach. I'll drop 15 00:01:05,916 --> 00:01:08,436 Speaker 1: a comment like, well, maybe there's another way we can 16 00:01:08,476 --> 00:01:11,196 Speaker 1: think about this, or actually, it turns out that there's 17 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:14,396 Speaker 1: a study that contradicts what you're suggesting. But lately I've 18 00:01:14,436 --> 00:01:18,556 Speaker 1: been starting to worry that this kinder, gentler approach isn't working. Lately, 19 00:01:18,596 --> 00:01:21,596 Speaker 1: it feels like there's just way too much happiness misinformation 20 00:01:21,676 --> 00:01:25,556 Speaker 1: out there, bad advice that's not getting corrected, and that 21 00:01:25,596 --> 00:01:28,396 Speaker 1: could be hurting people. And that's why I'm so excited 22 00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,996 Speaker 1: about this new season of The Happiness Lab. Over the 23 00:01:30,996 --> 00:01:34,556 Speaker 1: next few episodes, your intrepid host will drop her usual kinder, 24 00:01:34,596 --> 00:01:37,756 Speaker 1: gentler approach and will begin just straight up calling out 25 00:01:37,876 --> 00:01:40,956 Speaker 1: bad happiness advice. And while I promise to withhold the 26 00:01:40,956 --> 00:01:43,916 Speaker 1: profanities that I'm using inside my head, as I said, 27 00:01:44,156 --> 00:01:47,636 Speaker 1: Family Podcast, I do need to warn you the takedowns 28 00:01:47,636 --> 00:01:49,796 Speaker 1: you're about to hear over the next few episodes are 29 00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:55,636 Speaker 1: going to be fire. I'm really hoping my producers can 30 00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:58,756 Speaker 1: throw in some sort of flaming sounds there. So yes, 31 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:01,516 Speaker 1: just in time for summer, The Happiness Lab brings you 32 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:09,316 Speaker 1: a whole season of Laurie's happiness hot takes. There we 33 00:02:09,396 --> 00:02:12,476 Speaker 1: go nice, okay, So are you ready for happiness hot 34 00:02:12,516 --> 00:02:15,236 Speaker 1: take number one? Well, it involves a tendency we hear 35 00:02:15,276 --> 00:02:18,996 Speaker 1: about a lot these days, oversharing. Depending on how old 36 00:02:19,036 --> 00:02:21,516 Speaker 1: you are, you may refer to this tendency as spilling 37 00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:25,036 Speaker 1: your guts, airing your dirty laundry, trauma dumping, letting it 38 00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:28,076 Speaker 1: all hang out, putting it on blast, or with just 39 00:02:28,156 --> 00:02:32,996 Speaker 1: three simple letters TMI too much information. The advice we 40 00:02:33,116 --> 00:02:35,796 Speaker 1: usually hear about TMI is simply not to do it, 41 00:02:36,116 --> 00:02:39,636 Speaker 1: That it's cringe worthy, that it demonstrates social ignorance, that 42 00:02:39,676 --> 00:02:42,476 Speaker 1: when it comes to overly personal information, save it for 43 00:02:42,556 --> 00:02:45,996 Speaker 1: your therapist, because less is usually more. But the first 44 00:02:45,996 --> 00:02:47,756 Speaker 1: hot take of our new season is that all this 45 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:50,796 Speaker 1: advice is wrong, because, as we'll see in this episode, 46 00:02:50,836 --> 00:02:54,396 Speaker 1: the science shows that healthy social connection requires more TMI 47 00:02:54,556 --> 00:02:57,756 Speaker 1: than our lying minds think. We'll also learn that revealing 48 00:02:57,756 --> 00:03:00,476 Speaker 1: a bit more than is necessary has lots of benefits 49 00:03:00,476 --> 00:03:03,716 Speaker 1: that we don't expect. And so here is happiness hot 50 00:03:03,716 --> 00:03:07,276 Speaker 1: take number one. Oversharing is a good thing, and we 51 00:03:07,276 --> 00:03:13,356 Speaker 1: should be doing it far more often. Our minds are 52 00:03:13,356 --> 00:03:15,756 Speaker 1: constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But 53 00:03:15,836 --> 00:03:18,196 Speaker 1: what if our minds are wrong. What if our minds 54 00:03:18,236 --> 00:03:20,556 Speaker 1: are lying to us, leading us away from what will 55 00:03:20,556 --> 00:03:23,836 Speaker 1: really make us happy. The good news is that understanding 56 00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:25,836 Speaker 1: the science of the mind can point us all back 57 00:03:25,916 --> 00:03:28,796 Speaker 1: in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness Lab 58 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,156 Speaker 1: with doctor Laurie Santos. 59 00:03:37,596 --> 00:03:40,636 Speaker 2: When we think of oversharing, we cringe a little bit, right. 60 00:03:40,956 --> 00:03:44,756 Speaker 1: This is behavioral scientist and Harvard Business School professor Leslie John. 61 00:03:44,956 --> 00:03:48,476 Speaker 1: Where my mind immediately goes is social media. Someone who's 62 00:03:48,556 --> 00:03:53,316 Speaker 1: blabbing about all of their personal struggles unfiltered or. 63 00:03:53,876 --> 00:03:55,916 Speaker 2: You know, we've seen so many examples of these. Someone's 64 00:03:55,996 --> 00:03:57,756 Speaker 2: venting about their boss and then they get fired based 65 00:03:57,796 --> 00:03:59,396 Speaker 2: on what they posted. I think we think a lot 66 00:03:59,436 --> 00:04:02,436 Speaker 2: about the digital context. There's all kinds of these horror 67 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:05,236 Speaker 2: stories of people who have said things that they really 68 00:04:05,276 --> 00:04:08,196 Speaker 2: shouldn't have said and suffered really negative consequences for it. 69 00:04:08,476 --> 00:04:11,556 Speaker 1: We have a real negative connotation about it because of that. 70 00:04:12,036 --> 00:04:15,356 Speaker 1: Even the term oversharing sounds pejorative. It's lumped in with 71 00:04:15,436 --> 00:04:20,236 Speaker 1: words like overeating, overthinking, overreacting, as opposed to more positive 72 00:04:20,276 --> 00:04:25,076 Speaker 1: words like overabundance or overjoyed. In fact, when Webster's Dictionary 73 00:04:25,156 --> 00:04:27,676 Speaker 1: chose oversharing as their new word of the year when 74 00:04:27,716 --> 00:04:29,796 Speaker 1: social media was on their eyes back in two thousand 75 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,516 Speaker 1: and eight, they defined it as the act of divulging 76 00:04:32,636 --> 00:04:37,116 Speaker 1: inappropriate amounts of personal information. But let's forget about the 77 00:04:37,156 --> 00:04:40,316 Speaker 1: social media version of oversharing for just a second. Your 78 00:04:40,316 --> 00:04:43,596 Speaker 1: Aunt Judy's long die tribes on Facebook, or that influencer 79 00:04:43,636 --> 00:04:47,556 Speaker 1: who broadcasts their dates on Instagram Live because research shows 80 00:04:47,596 --> 00:04:49,996 Speaker 1: that when it comes to real people in real life, 81 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:54,196 Speaker 1: oversharing is due for a rebrand. In fact, Leslie says 82 00:04:54,236 --> 00:04:56,196 Speaker 1: that when it comes to revealing a bit more than 83 00:04:56,276 --> 00:04:58,756 Speaker 1: is strictly necessary, She's a huge fan. 84 00:04:59,196 --> 00:05:02,436 Speaker 2: I am a proud card carrying oversharer. Again and again, 85 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,556 Speaker 2: I found that even those of us who tend to 86 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:08,876 Speaker 2: be revealing, we could benefit from sharing a little more 87 00:05:09,236 --> 00:05:10,116 Speaker 2: a lot of the time. 88 00:05:10,396 --> 00:05:12,476 Speaker 1: Leslie has long had a knack for sharing what's on 89 00:05:12,516 --> 00:05:15,036 Speaker 1: her mind, even when doing so might not be the 90 00:05:15,076 --> 00:05:18,356 Speaker 1: most strategic option. Take for example, what she was willing 91 00:05:18,356 --> 00:05:20,516 Speaker 1: to share with a group of complete strangers at an 92 00:05:20,556 --> 00:05:23,276 Speaker 1: academic conference back when she was a junior professor. 93 00:05:23,636 --> 00:05:27,676 Speaker 2: I'm sitting there with mostly senior scholars, and someone had 94 00:05:27,676 --> 00:05:30,316 Speaker 2: the great idea of saying, let's go around the circle 95 00:05:30,356 --> 00:05:34,396 Speaker 2: and share our most embarrassing story. And so like the 96 00:05:34,916 --> 00:05:37,396 Speaker 2: other junior people were like, oh, there was a typo 97 00:05:37,436 --> 00:05:41,796 Speaker 2: in my abstract, you know, these humble brags. But I 98 00:05:41,876 --> 00:05:45,196 Speaker 2: went for it and I told my actually most embarrassing 99 00:05:45,196 --> 00:05:49,116 Speaker 2: story ever, which entailed me being on stage in college. 100 00:05:49,556 --> 00:05:51,676 Speaker 2: I was in a play and I was laughing so 101 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:55,676 Speaker 2: hard in my scene that I start being on stage. 102 00:05:55,876 --> 00:05:58,356 Speaker 2: So that is my most embarrassing story, and now I'm 103 00:05:58,356 --> 00:06:01,356 Speaker 2: telling it to you again, and I. 104 00:06:01,316 --> 00:06:04,596 Speaker 1: Don't regret it or take another tendency of oversharers, what 105 00:06:04,716 --> 00:06:08,636 Speaker 1: Leslie refers to as the unfiltered blurt. She unleashed one 106 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,996 Speaker 1: of these blos during the job interview for her current 107 00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:14,356 Speaker 1: position at Harvard. At the time, Leslie was being questioned 108 00:06:14,356 --> 00:06:16,996 Speaker 1: by a group of intimidating senior faculty members. 109 00:06:17,196 --> 00:06:19,756 Speaker 2: And I was super nervous, and when I'm nervous, especially 110 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:23,516 Speaker 2: I kind of say stupid things. And one of the 111 00:06:23,796 --> 00:06:27,036 Speaker 2: faculty members, he looked at my resume. He could sense 112 00:06:27,076 --> 00:06:30,516 Speaker 2: that I was uncomfortable, and so he was trying valiantly 113 00:06:30,596 --> 00:06:32,196 Speaker 2: to make me feel comfortable. 114 00:06:32,556 --> 00:06:35,236 Speaker 1: The interviewer noticed in Leslie's resume that she had trained 115 00:06:35,236 --> 00:06:37,796 Speaker 1: as a ballet dancer, so he decided to ask her 116 00:06:37,796 --> 00:06:40,836 Speaker 1: about that, using a joke to break the tension, and he. 117 00:06:40,756 --> 00:06:43,676 Speaker 2: Said, oh, you know, I was a ballet dancer too. 118 00:06:43,996 --> 00:06:46,676 Speaker 1: A quick glimpse at this faculty members larger than average 119 00:06:46,716 --> 00:06:51,116 Speaker 1: midsection made the punchline obvious. The other faculty interviewers gave 120 00:06:51,156 --> 00:06:54,876 Speaker 1: a knowing smile, but Leslie, ever the card carrying oversharer 121 00:06:55,156 --> 00:06:58,196 Speaker 1: decided to take the joke one unfortunate step further. 122 00:06:58,436 --> 00:07:02,876 Speaker 2: And in that moment, I just sat still, looked him 123 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:07,196 Speaker 2: up and down, cocked my head and said clearly one word. 124 00:07:07,236 --> 00:07:09,716 Speaker 2: I was like, one word, boof, it's it my dream 125 00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:10,516 Speaker 2: job gone? 126 00:07:10,676 --> 00:07:14,796 Speaker 1: But was her dream job gone? Leslie's unfiltered blurt was awkward, 127 00:07:15,116 --> 00:07:17,156 Speaker 1: but it did kind of demonstrate her confidence. 128 00:07:17,516 --> 00:07:20,916 Speaker 2: And there's even research on this phenomenon. I didn't know 129 00:07:20,956 --> 00:07:23,676 Speaker 2: it at the time, but there's research showing that when 130 00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:28,396 Speaker 2: among those who are qualified for the job, if you 131 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,316 Speaker 2: show a little bit of yourself in an interview, which 132 00:07:31,356 --> 00:07:33,356 Speaker 2: for me was a little bit of my sassy side, 133 00:07:33,396 --> 00:07:36,596 Speaker 2: it actually can enhance your likelihood of getting the job. 134 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,516 Speaker 1: And in this particular case, that's exactly what happened. Leslie 135 00:07:40,516 --> 00:07:42,636 Speaker 1: would later learn that she wound up getting her current 136 00:07:42,676 --> 00:07:45,916 Speaker 1: Harvard position, not in spite of that unfiltered blurt, but 137 00:07:45,996 --> 00:07:46,596 Speaker 1: because of it. 138 00:07:46,876 --> 00:07:49,316 Speaker 2: They said to me, you know, when you sassed him 139 00:07:49,396 --> 00:07:51,916 Speaker 2: like that, we thought you'll fit right in here. And 140 00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:54,516 Speaker 2: he became a super close mentor of mine. He just 141 00:07:54,556 --> 00:07:58,156 Speaker 2: retired and he would love to regale new job candidates 142 00:07:58,196 --> 00:08:00,396 Speaker 2: about the story. It was like our origin stories. Like 143 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:03,636 Speaker 2: when Leslie did that, she just It. 144 00:08:03,636 --> 00:08:06,476 Speaker 1: Turns out that there's lots of research behind examples like these, 145 00:08:06,916 --> 00:08:09,516 Speaker 1: which is why Leslie has become such an advocate of 146 00:08:09,516 --> 00:08:12,276 Speaker 1: putting it all out there. She's even written an entire 147 00:08:12,316 --> 00:08:16,756 Speaker 1: book championing the practice. It's called Revealing the Underrated Power 148 00:08:16,836 --> 00:08:20,836 Speaker 1: of Oversharing. Leslie opens her book by highlighting a communicative 149 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:24,196 Speaker 1: predicament that we often find ourselves in. Whether that's at work, 150 00:08:24,356 --> 00:08:27,436 Speaker 1: or in our friendships, or while chatting with our romantic partners, 151 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:31,676 Speaker 1: we wind up facing what social psychologists call a disclosure dilemma. 152 00:08:32,036 --> 00:08:36,236 Speaker 2: Disclosure dilemma is that really fraught feeling of to share 153 00:08:36,476 --> 00:08:37,356 Speaker 2: or not to share. 154 00:08:37,756 --> 00:08:39,556 Speaker 1: Let's say you just got a big raise at work. 155 00:08:39,836 --> 00:08:41,516 Speaker 1: Do you tell your friend the good news so she 156 00:08:41,516 --> 00:08:43,556 Speaker 1: can help you celebrate, or do you keep it to 157 00:08:43,596 --> 00:08:45,916 Speaker 1: yourself so that your friend doesn't feel bad about her 158 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:50,196 Speaker 1: own finances. Or perhaps you've recently been diagnosed with ADHD. 159 00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:53,036 Speaker 1: Do you share that new diagnosis with your boss and 160 00:08:53,076 --> 00:08:55,716 Speaker 1: co workers so they can help you get the accommodations 161 00:08:55,716 --> 00:08:58,396 Speaker 1: you need, or do you keep things private to avoid 162 00:08:58,476 --> 00:09:01,876 Speaker 1: judgment about your disability? Or imagine you and your partner 163 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,676 Speaker 1: are having a heart to heart about your relationship. Do 164 00:09:04,716 --> 00:09:06,636 Speaker 1: you share that you've been feeling bored on your date 165 00:09:06,716 --> 00:09:09,596 Speaker 1: nights or do you withhold that information to protect your 166 00:09:09,596 --> 00:09:13,476 Speaker 1: spouse's feelings. In these and other disclosure dilemmas, there are 167 00:09:13,476 --> 00:09:16,276 Speaker 1: two possible ways you could get things wrong. You could 168 00:09:16,276 --> 00:09:19,156 Speaker 1: wind up sharing too much information, or you could wind 169 00:09:19,236 --> 00:09:22,116 Speaker 1: up sharing too little. In theory, we should be worried 170 00:09:22,116 --> 00:09:25,436 Speaker 1: about both of these possible errors, but Leslie finds we 171 00:09:25,516 --> 00:09:27,916 Speaker 1: tend to think only about the former mistake. 172 00:09:28,116 --> 00:09:30,796 Speaker 2: We're so preoccupied with TMI that is real and valid, 173 00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:33,956 Speaker 2: but we don't even have a word until now to 174 00:09:34,076 --> 00:09:35,276 Speaker 2: describe the other end. 175 00:09:35,556 --> 00:09:38,236 Speaker 1: The word Leslie's referring to is an acronym that she's 176 00:09:38,236 --> 00:09:41,116 Speaker 1: been trying to popularize TLI. 177 00:09:40,836 --> 00:09:42,156 Speaker 2: Too little information. 178 00:09:42,796 --> 00:09:45,676 Speaker 1: Leslie's research has found that TLI can be more harmful 179 00:09:45,716 --> 00:09:48,556 Speaker 1: than we realize. As she eloquently put it in her book, 180 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:51,876 Speaker 1: the things you don't say can quietly reshape your life, 181 00:09:52,276 --> 00:09:54,596 Speaker 1: like when your coworkers can't help you with your newly 182 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,836 Speaker 1: diagnosed disability because you never told them you were struggling, 183 00:09:58,316 --> 00:10:00,636 Speaker 1: or when a friendship starts to fade because you never 184 00:10:00,676 --> 00:10:03,556 Speaker 1: disclosed what was really going on. In your life, or 185 00:10:03,556 --> 00:10:06,596 Speaker 1: when your marriage accumulates more and more tiny resentments over 186 00:10:06,636 --> 00:10:09,596 Speaker 1: time because your partner keeps failing to bring up the 187 00:10:09,596 --> 00:10:10,716 Speaker 1: small things that bug them. 188 00:10:10,956 --> 00:10:13,916 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, the risks of undersharing of TLI are 189 00:10:14,076 --> 00:10:16,716 Speaker 2: so much worse than those of oversharing. 190 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,476 Speaker 1: There's even one kind of TLI that studies show can 191 00:10:19,516 --> 00:10:23,676 Speaker 1: be deadly failing to disclose embarrassing information to your doctor. 192 00:10:24,396 --> 00:10:27,556 Speaker 1: What's the percentage of patients whose self report not revealing 193 00:10:27,596 --> 00:10:31,036 Speaker 1: some medically critical piece of information to their physicians. It's 194 00:10:31,076 --> 00:10:34,916 Speaker 1: eighty percent of patients, eighty percent. I was so shocked 195 00:10:34,916 --> 00:10:37,116 Speaker 1: when I first read that finding that I mentioned it 196 00:10:37,116 --> 00:10:39,716 Speaker 1: to a doctor friend of mine. He told me that 197 00:10:39,796 --> 00:10:42,116 Speaker 1: in just the past week he'd had a case of 198 00:10:42,156 --> 00:10:44,796 Speaker 1: a patient who failed to mention drinking alcohol the night 199 00:10:44,836 --> 00:10:47,676 Speaker 1: before big surgery and wound up having a heart attack 200 00:10:47,716 --> 00:10:52,196 Speaker 1: on the operating table. Yikes. But these TLI findings raise 201 00:10:52,196 --> 00:10:55,236 Speaker 1: an important question. Why do we so often fail to 202 00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:58,676 Speaker 1: reveal stuff to other people, especially when doing so could 203 00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:02,316 Speaker 1: benefit us. Leslie thinks this tendency stems from a cognitive 204 00:11:02,396 --> 00:11:05,716 Speaker 1: error known as the omission bias. Our brains tend to 205 00:11:05,756 --> 00:11:08,796 Speaker 1: notice actions the things we say are do, but not 206 00:11:08,796 --> 00:11:11,836 Speaker 1: act of omission. The things we fail to say or 207 00:11:11,876 --> 00:11:15,276 Speaker 1: fail to do. The omission bias means we tend not 208 00:11:15,356 --> 00:11:18,996 Speaker 1: to notice the consequences of not revealing something, and that 209 00:11:19,036 --> 00:11:22,036 Speaker 1: means we calculate the pros and cons of disclosure dilemmas 210 00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:22,676 Speaker 1: all wrong. 211 00:11:22,876 --> 00:11:25,236 Speaker 2: I suppose you have ADHD and you're wondering whether you 212 00:11:25,276 --> 00:11:28,116 Speaker 2: should talk to your boss to potentially get accommodations. Right, 213 00:11:28,116 --> 00:11:31,276 Speaker 2: there's risk and the orts of reward. And what people 214 00:11:31,396 --> 00:11:35,236 Speaker 2: fixate on are the risks of revealing. So they'll say, 215 00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:38,956 Speaker 2: I'll be discriminated against, it will be a really difficult conversation. 216 00:11:39,316 --> 00:11:42,196 Speaker 2: And those are super valid, the risks of revealing. But 217 00:11:42,236 --> 00:11:45,476 Speaker 2: the problem is that they stop at that. You have 218 00:11:45,556 --> 00:11:47,396 Speaker 2: to look at both sides. You have to look at 219 00:11:47,396 --> 00:11:50,516 Speaker 2: the risks of revealing and the benefits of revealing. You 220 00:11:50,636 --> 00:11:53,956 Speaker 2: also have to look at the risks of holding back 221 00:11:54,876 --> 00:11:57,116 Speaker 2: and the benefits of holding back. You need to do 222 00:11:57,156 --> 00:12:01,476 Speaker 2: a full four quadrant reckoning to really make a good decision. 223 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:05,196 Speaker 2: And yet when we are left to our own devices, 224 00:12:05,276 --> 00:12:06,516 Speaker 2: we just focus. 225 00:12:06,196 --> 00:12:06,756 Speaker 3: On the one thing. 226 00:12:07,236 --> 00:12:10,076 Speaker 1: Leslie has found that the omission bias is especially common 227 00:12:10,076 --> 00:12:13,436 Speaker 1: when people are deciding whether to share something negative. In 228 00:12:13,436 --> 00:12:15,876 Speaker 1: one of my favorite of her experiments, she had her 229 00:12:15,916 --> 00:12:20,036 Speaker 1: participants play a dating game. Subjects were asked to interview 230 00:12:20,036 --> 00:12:23,036 Speaker 1: two hypothetical suitors and to decide which of the two 231 00:12:23,036 --> 00:12:26,116 Speaker 1: people they'd rather date. Let's pretend that you're a subject 232 00:12:26,156 --> 00:12:28,796 Speaker 1: in this study. You meet your two suitors. They both 233 00:12:28,796 --> 00:12:31,756 Speaker 1: seem fine, but then you begin asking them some very 234 00:12:31,756 --> 00:12:35,756 Speaker 1: personal questions. Eventually you get to a tough one. You 235 00:12:35,876 --> 00:12:38,996 Speaker 1: nervously look towards suitor number one and ask, have you 236 00:12:39,036 --> 00:12:40,156 Speaker 1: ever had an STD? 237 00:12:41,716 --> 00:12:45,076 Speaker 2: And they say, you know, I've had so many I 238 00:12:45,116 --> 00:12:49,436 Speaker 2: can't even count. They've had a lot of all the sdds. 239 00:12:50,156 --> 00:12:52,996 Speaker 2: The other person, you ask them the same question, they say, 240 00:12:52,996 --> 00:12:57,436 Speaker 2: I'm not answering that question. They refuse to answer. And 241 00:12:57,716 --> 00:13:00,556 Speaker 2: so who would you rather date? The revealer that reveals 242 00:13:00,676 --> 00:13:04,316 Speaker 2: very unsavory things or the hyder who refuses? And again 243 00:13:04,356 --> 00:13:07,396 Speaker 2: and again we found that people would rather date the 244 00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:11,196 Speaker 2: person who is revealer, even if it's really negative things. 245 00:13:11,516 --> 00:13:14,276 Speaker 1: Even with bad news, we prefer it when people just 246 00:13:14,316 --> 00:13:16,956 Speaker 1: tell it to us straight, when they give us TMI 247 00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:20,556 Speaker 1: rather than TLI. The problem Leslie finds in her work 248 00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:22,876 Speaker 1: is that we don't seem to realize this when we're 249 00:13:22,876 --> 00:13:25,676 Speaker 1: on the other side of that disclosure dilemma, when we're 250 00:13:25,676 --> 00:13:29,156 Speaker 1: in the position of the potential reveler rather than the revale. 251 00:13:29,596 --> 00:13:33,916 Speaker 2: So we say, imagine you failed some courses in college 252 00:13:33,956 --> 00:13:36,436 Speaker 2: and your new employer is asking you whether you've ever 253 00:13:36,436 --> 00:13:39,636 Speaker 2: failed any courses. Would you opt out of answering or 254 00:13:39,636 --> 00:13:42,876 Speaker 2: would you come clean? And they say, I would opt 255 00:13:42,876 --> 00:13:46,436 Speaker 2: out of answering for sure. But that is the wrong choice, right, 256 00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:48,476 Speaker 2: So our intuitions are often wrong. 257 00:13:48,796 --> 00:13:50,876 Speaker 1: But our intuitions aren't just wrong when it comes to 258 00:13:50,916 --> 00:13:53,796 Speaker 1: the costs of TLI. We also feel to see the 259 00:13:53,836 --> 00:13:56,796 Speaker 1: benefits that can come from revealing more information than is 260 00:13:56,796 --> 00:14:00,356 Speaker 1: strictly necessary. When we return from the break, we'll learn 261 00:14:00,396 --> 00:14:03,396 Speaker 1: more about all the unexpected benefits of a little TMI. 262 00:14:03,916 --> 00:14:17,316 Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab will be back in a moment. It's 263 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:20,236 Speaker 1: November two thousand and nine and a middle aged Australian 264 00:14:20,236 --> 00:14:23,836 Speaker 1: woman is about to go viral. Back then, caregiver Bronnie 265 00:14:23,876 --> 00:14:26,756 Speaker 1: Ware was working as a live in palliative care nurse, 266 00:14:27,196 --> 00:14:30,756 Speaker 1: spending twelve hour shifts working closely with terminally ill patients. 267 00:14:31,396 --> 00:14:33,756 Speaker 1: These long shifts meant that Bronnie had lots of time 268 00:14:33,796 --> 00:14:36,516 Speaker 1: to chat with her dying clients, many of whom seemed 269 00:14:36,516 --> 00:14:39,316 Speaker 1: to relish the chance to reflect openly about their lives. 270 00:14:39,676 --> 00:14:42,236 Speaker 1: Often they admitted to her for the very first time. 271 00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:45,476 Speaker 1: As patients got closer to the end, they didn't seem 272 00:14:45,476 --> 00:14:49,076 Speaker 1: to carry the usual worries about oversharing. Ronnie was struck 273 00:14:49,196 --> 00:14:51,716 Speaker 1: both by how vulnerable her patients were willing to get 274 00:14:51,796 --> 00:14:55,156 Speaker 1: during these end of life conversations and by the similarities 275 00:14:55,196 --> 00:14:58,356 Speaker 1: across their observations. She thought it'd be powerful to share 276 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:01,476 Speaker 1: her client's reflections publicly, so she put together a short 277 00:15:01,476 --> 00:15:05,516 Speaker 1: blog post entitled Regrets of the Dying. That online essay 278 00:15:05,516 --> 00:15:08,676 Speaker 1: exploded within months. It was shared millions and millions of 279 00:15:08,716 --> 00:15:11,796 Speaker 1: times and quickly turned into a book called The Top 280 00:15:11,836 --> 00:15:15,236 Speaker 1: Five Regrets of the Dying. Ronnie's bestseller presented a list 281 00:15:15,276 --> 00:15:17,916 Speaker 1: of five things that her dying patients wished they'd done 282 00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:21,236 Speaker 1: differently to feel happier and rismack. In the middle of 283 00:15:21,276 --> 00:15:24,836 Speaker 1: that list is a regret that oversharing aficionado Leslie John 284 00:15:24,956 --> 00:15:25,916 Speaker 1: reflects on a lot. 285 00:15:26,116 --> 00:15:29,196 Speaker 2: Regret Number three is I wish I had shared my 286 00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:32,596 Speaker 2: feelings more. It's a disclosure regret, right, So it's like 287 00:15:32,676 --> 00:15:36,396 Speaker 2: these people who are dying. That's what they regret. I mean, 288 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,676 Speaker 2: that is such wisdom to me. 289 00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:42,356 Speaker 1: Leslie has devoted her career towards helping people to avoid 290 00:15:42,396 --> 00:15:46,116 Speaker 1: this big regret by publicizing the many benefits of oversharing, 291 00:15:46,476 --> 00:15:49,356 Speaker 1: particularly when it's done face to face with real people 292 00:15:49,436 --> 00:15:52,436 Speaker 1: in real life. And Leslie says that the first benefit 293 00:15:52,476 --> 00:15:55,156 Speaker 1: you get from this type of oversharing is a cognitive one. 294 00:15:55,716 --> 00:15:57,956 Speaker 1: The act of talking to another person can help you 295 00:15:57,996 --> 00:15:59,876 Speaker 1: make sense of your inner thoughts and feelings. 296 00:16:00,236 --> 00:16:02,876 Speaker 2: The process of taking this stuff that's swirling around in 297 00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:06,076 Speaker 2: your brain and putting words on it helps you to 298 00:16:06,156 --> 00:16:11,196 Speaker 2: cope because one, it helps so you make sense of 299 00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:13,916 Speaker 2: the things that are bothering you. But when you talk 300 00:16:13,916 --> 00:16:17,236 Speaker 2: about what's on your mind, you naturally impose a story 301 00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:20,196 Speaker 2: structure on it. We're natural storytellers, and it doesn't have 302 00:16:20,236 --> 00:16:23,036 Speaker 2: to be a happy ending, but there's some kind of structure, 303 00:16:23,076 --> 00:16:28,316 Speaker 2: and that structure takes away the uncertainty of how you're feeling. 304 00:16:28,396 --> 00:16:30,636 Speaker 2: And we all know that uncertainty is a huge cause 305 00:16:30,636 --> 00:16:33,716 Speaker 2: of anxiety, and so it makes it more concrete, which 306 00:16:33,756 --> 00:16:36,516 Speaker 2: really helps to alleviate stress. What I love about this too, 307 00:16:36,716 --> 00:16:39,156 Speaker 2: is you don't have to try like You don't have 308 00:16:39,236 --> 00:16:41,436 Speaker 2: to come up with a story. You don't make sense 309 00:16:41,436 --> 00:16:43,756 Speaker 2: of this. You just have to literally put what's in 310 00:16:43,796 --> 00:16:46,196 Speaker 2: your mind into words. The other thing, of course, is 311 00:16:46,316 --> 00:16:48,316 Speaker 2: the actual affect labeling component. 312 00:16:48,636 --> 00:16:51,436 Speaker 1: Affect labeling is a fancy psychologist term for the act 313 00:16:51,476 --> 00:16:54,956 Speaker 1: of choosing a specific word to describe your feelings. When 314 00:16:54,956 --> 00:16:57,956 Speaker 1: we reveal during a disclosure dilemma, we wind up selecting 315 00:16:57,996 --> 00:17:01,636 Speaker 1: specific words to explain our emotions. Let's say you finally 316 00:17:01,676 --> 00:17:03,716 Speaker 1: decided to have that heart to heart with your partner 317 00:17:03,996 --> 00:17:06,396 Speaker 1: about why your date nights have felt less exciting lately. 318 00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:09,556 Speaker 1: As you dive into that conversation, you'll not truly get 319 00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:12,716 Speaker 1: more specific about what exactly you've been experiencing on those 320 00:17:12,796 --> 00:17:16,276 Speaker 1: date nights, whether you've started to find them boring or irritating, 321 00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:19,516 Speaker 1: or disappointing or unpleasant. Or say that you're telling a 322 00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:22,676 Speaker 1: friend about an awful moment at work. Talking openly about 323 00:17:22,676 --> 00:17:25,596 Speaker 1: that incident can help you determine whether you felt disregarded 324 00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:30,356 Speaker 1: or frustrated, or ashamed or overwhelmed, and studies find that 325 00:17:30,436 --> 00:17:33,116 Speaker 1: knowing the precise feeling you're going through can help you 326 00:17:33,196 --> 00:17:34,916 Speaker 1: regulate that feeling more effectively. 327 00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:38,516 Speaker 2: When you do this, it's like becoming the CEO of 328 00:17:38,556 --> 00:17:41,836 Speaker 2: your feelings. Because you're in control, you can name them, 329 00:17:41,876 --> 00:17:44,636 Speaker 2: and when you can name them, that's deeply comforting. 330 00:17:44,836 --> 00:17:47,396 Speaker 1: So that's the first benefit of oversharing. It helps you 331 00:17:47,436 --> 00:17:50,876 Speaker 1: think more precisely about what you're feeling. Benefit number two 332 00:17:50,876 --> 00:17:55,156 Speaker 1: of TMI is simple, It just feels good. In one experiment, 333 00:17:55,276 --> 00:17:58,916 Speaker 1: participants were asked to disclose information about themselves while sitting 334 00:17:58,956 --> 00:18:02,796 Speaker 1: inside an fMRI brain scanner. The researchers found that revealing 335 00:18:02,876 --> 00:18:07,876 Speaker 1: personal information activated participants reward networks, the very same brain 336 00:18:07,916 --> 00:18:10,156 Speaker 1: regions that would fire if you want a bunch of money, 337 00:18:10,276 --> 00:18:12,476 Speaker 1: eat something delicious, or took cocaine. 338 00:18:12,636 --> 00:18:14,956 Speaker 2: So relative to people who did not get to talk 339 00:18:14,996 --> 00:18:17,916 Speaker 2: about themselves, those who got to answer questions about themselves 340 00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:20,236 Speaker 2: literally found it more pleasurable. 341 00:18:20,396 --> 00:18:23,556 Speaker 1: And Leslie says there's an evolutionary logic to why revealing 342 00:18:23,596 --> 00:18:27,396 Speaker 1: feels so good. We experience acts of TMI positively because 343 00:18:27,396 --> 00:18:28,916 Speaker 1: they connect us with other people. 344 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:34,716 Speaker 2: The way sharing increases connection fundamentally is that it increases trust. 345 00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:39,116 Speaker 2: When you reveal something sensitive that causes the other person 346 00:18:39,156 --> 00:18:43,356 Speaker 2: to trust you. Why Because that's a social risk If 347 00:18:43,436 --> 00:18:47,676 Speaker 2: I tell you something sensitive about myself I am relinquishing 348 00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:51,276 Speaker 2: control to the universe and implicitly saying I trust you 349 00:18:51,316 --> 00:18:52,876 Speaker 2: because I'm doing it. I wouldn't be doing it if 350 00:18:52,876 --> 00:18:55,436 Speaker 2: I didn't trust you, right, And that in and of 351 00:18:55,476 --> 00:18:58,196 Speaker 2: itself causes you to trust me back. 352 00:18:58,476 --> 00:19:01,236 Speaker 1: But Leslie has found that we often miss opportunities for 353 00:19:01,316 --> 00:19:04,876 Speaker 1: building that happiness boosting trust. She finds that we simply 354 00:19:04,916 --> 00:19:07,476 Speaker 1: don't notice the little moments in which we could disclose 355 00:19:07,476 --> 00:19:09,076 Speaker 1: something about ourselves to another part. 356 00:19:09,636 --> 00:19:12,236 Speaker 2: So let's take a banal day in the life of me. 357 00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:15,396 Speaker 2: I wake up in the morning, I roll over in bed, 358 00:19:15,476 --> 00:19:19,836 Speaker 2: I say good morning, Collie, my Hobbie. What I don't 359 00:19:19,876 --> 00:19:23,316 Speaker 2: say is I slept like crap. When I don't sleep well, 360 00:19:23,356 --> 00:19:25,636 Speaker 2: I can't regulate my emotions. I don't say any of that. 361 00:19:26,036 --> 00:19:29,276 Speaker 2: We get to the bathroom. We're brushing our teeth. What 362 00:19:29,316 --> 00:19:32,156 Speaker 2: I think to myself is, you know, I feel older 363 00:19:32,196 --> 00:19:34,236 Speaker 2: than I thought I would at this age. I think 364 00:19:34,276 --> 00:19:36,276 Speaker 2: these things, I don't say them. We go down to 365 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:39,476 Speaker 2: the kitchen. The kids are frolicking. My husband starts packing 366 00:19:39,476 --> 00:19:41,476 Speaker 2: their lunch. He's like, what do you think they want 367 00:19:41,476 --> 00:19:44,156 Speaker 2: for snack? I say, I don't know. Another decision. Stop it. 368 00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,316 Speaker 2: That's said, But what I don't say is I need 369 00:19:46,356 --> 00:19:50,436 Speaker 2: a hug. I'm exhausted, I need some grace today. I 370 00:19:50,436 --> 00:19:52,556 Speaker 2: have a big presentation coming up. I don't say any 371 00:19:52,596 --> 00:19:56,436 Speaker 2: of that. So we're not even at breakfast yet. I mean, 372 00:19:56,476 --> 00:19:57,396 Speaker 2: I could go on and on. 373 00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:00,636 Speaker 1: That's a lot of tiny missed moments for disclosure, and 374 00:20:00,756 --> 00:20:03,756 Speaker 1: Leslie thinks each of them has an opportunity cost. 375 00:20:03,916 --> 00:20:06,156 Speaker 2: It's not that we should say all of the things 376 00:20:06,156 --> 00:20:08,156 Speaker 2: that are on our mind. You don't want that, I 377 00:20:08,196 --> 00:20:12,076 Speaker 2: don't want that. But I think that we should consider 378 00:20:12,196 --> 00:20:14,596 Speaker 2: saying more of these things because I think if we did, 379 00:20:15,236 --> 00:20:17,556 Speaker 2: I know that our lives would be better for it. 380 00:20:18,196 --> 00:20:21,436 Speaker 2: Being known for who you really are. That's the source 381 00:20:21,436 --> 00:20:22,756 Speaker 2: of love and closeness. 382 00:20:22,836 --> 00:20:23,076 Speaker 3: Right. 383 00:20:24,236 --> 00:20:29,076 Speaker 2: Oftentimes, what feels like over communicating is just communicating. My 384 00:20:29,276 --> 00:20:32,076 Speaker 2: husband can't read what's on my mind. I need to 385 00:20:32,156 --> 00:20:34,636 Speaker 2: tell him my needs and then he's amazing, but he 386 00:20:34,636 --> 00:20:37,636 Speaker 2: can't read my mind. What feels like over communicating is 387 00:20:37,796 --> 00:20:41,436 Speaker 2: just communicating. What feels like oversharing is just sharing. 388 00:20:43,516 --> 00:20:46,916 Speaker 1: I love Leslie's point here. Often what feels like oversharing 389 00:20:47,076 --> 00:20:49,836 Speaker 1: is just sharing. Often what our minds think of as 390 00:20:49,876 --> 00:20:54,156 Speaker 1: too much information is just information. But If that's the case, 391 00:20:54,396 --> 00:20:57,076 Speaker 1: how do we get over our fears about revealing? How 392 00:20:57,076 --> 00:20:59,356 Speaker 1: do we stop missing out on all these little opportunities 393 00:20:59,356 --> 00:21:02,556 Speaker 1: for connection and start opening up more To find out? 394 00:21:02,676 --> 00:21:04,076 Speaker 1: I decided to tag in a friend. 395 00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,516 Speaker 3: I'm Mkappela. I'm a professor of behavioral science at the 396 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:09,076 Speaker 3: University of Chicago School of Business, and I just finish 397 00:21:09,236 --> 00:21:10,996 Speaker 3: a book titled A Little More Social. 398 00:21:11,316 --> 00:21:13,716 Speaker 1: Nick is one of my favorite psychologists on the planet, 399 00:21:13,996 --> 00:21:16,116 Speaker 1: which is one of the reasons he appears so often 400 00:21:16,236 --> 00:21:18,876 Speaker 1: as a guest on the Happiness Lab. And not to 401 00:21:18,956 --> 00:21:22,036 Speaker 1: drop any spoilers about this upcoming season, but Nick will 402 00:21:22,036 --> 00:21:24,476 Speaker 1: be joining me for a lot of my upcoming happiness 403 00:21:24,516 --> 00:21:28,596 Speaker 1: hot takes. Why because Nick's entire research program is pretty 404 00:21:28,676 --> 00:21:31,436 Speaker 1: much one big happiness hot take. He's discovered that we 405 00:21:31,476 --> 00:21:35,796 Speaker 1: consistently misunderstand how social connection works, whether we're giving a 406 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:39,676 Speaker 1: compliment or asking for help, or expressing our gratitude or yes, 407 00:21:39,956 --> 00:21:43,396 Speaker 1: sharing something that seems a little tmi. Our minds assume 408 00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:46,636 Speaker 1: that revealing will feel cringe worthy and awkward. But Nick 409 00:21:46,676 --> 00:21:49,476 Speaker 1: finds time in again that these assumptions are wrong. 410 00:21:49,836 --> 00:21:53,476 Speaker 3: When people talk about where their expectations come from, why 411 00:21:53,516 --> 00:21:55,876 Speaker 3: they think it's going to be awkward. They almost always 412 00:21:56,236 --> 00:22:00,316 Speaker 3: will talk about vulnerability. I'm exposing something meaningful about myself. 413 00:22:00,356 --> 00:22:03,156 Speaker 3: They could laugh at me, they could make fun of me, 414 00:22:03,356 --> 00:22:07,316 Speaker 3: they could think poorly of me. Right, they just tend 415 00:22:07,316 --> 00:22:07,596 Speaker 3: not to. 416 00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:09,636 Speaker 1: But how do we start to rew why are these 417 00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:13,556 Speaker 1: mistaken expectations, so that we can share more deeply? Nick 418 00:22:13,596 --> 00:22:15,956 Speaker 1: says the first step is to remember that our minds 419 00:22:15,996 --> 00:22:18,996 Speaker 1: tend to focus on the wrong stuff during a disclosure dilemma. 420 00:22:19,476 --> 00:22:23,356 Speaker 3: When you reveal something meaningful about yourself, or even something 421 00:22:23,356 --> 00:22:26,076 Speaker 3: potentially negative, when you share that with another person, you're 422 00:22:26,116 --> 00:22:28,396 Speaker 3: thinking a lot about the content, what it is that 423 00:22:28,436 --> 00:22:29,036 Speaker 3: you shared. 424 00:22:29,596 --> 00:22:32,116 Speaker 1: We also think a lot about the competence of that content, 425 00:22:32,516 --> 00:22:35,036 Speaker 1: whether what we've just shared could be perceived badly by 426 00:22:35,036 --> 00:22:37,756 Speaker 1: another person. If I tell my colleague that I'm feeling 427 00:22:37,836 --> 00:22:39,956 Speaker 1: overwhelmed at work, are they going to think I'm bad 428 00:22:39,996 --> 00:22:42,356 Speaker 1: at my job? Or if I tell my friend about 429 00:22:42,356 --> 00:22:44,396 Speaker 1: a parenting slip up, are they going to view me 430 00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:47,596 Speaker 1: as a bad mom. But this focus on what's being 431 00:22:47,636 --> 00:22:50,516 Speaker 1: shared means that we often miss the how of sharing. 432 00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:53,956 Speaker 1: How being open with another person makes that person feel. 433 00:22:54,636 --> 00:22:57,556 Speaker 1: Just as Leslie John mentioned earlier, it all comes down 434 00:22:57,556 --> 00:22:59,516 Speaker 1: to the importance of emotional safety. 435 00:22:59,956 --> 00:23:02,956 Speaker 3: It's warmth, right, And what we really care about when 436 00:23:02,956 --> 00:23:06,516 Speaker 3: we're interacting with other people is warmth. I want to know, 437 00:23:06,796 --> 00:23:08,276 Speaker 3: can I trust you or not? Are you going to 438 00:23:08,276 --> 00:23:10,916 Speaker 3: be a friend to me or not? And when somebody 439 00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:14,036 Speaker 3: opens up to you and share something, they're telling you, 440 00:23:14,756 --> 00:23:17,116 Speaker 3: I trust you, I'm going to be a friend to you. 441 00:23:17,556 --> 00:23:20,196 Speaker 3: And how do we judge somebody who opens up to us, 442 00:23:20,276 --> 00:23:23,796 Speaker 3: who seems trustworthy and kind charitably is the answer. 443 00:23:24,556 --> 00:23:27,476 Speaker 1: Nick has seen this pattern in study after study. In 444 00:23:27,516 --> 00:23:30,356 Speaker 1: one experiment, Nick asked a group of subjects to write 445 00:23:30,356 --> 00:23:33,236 Speaker 1: a vulnerable note that expressed how grateful they felt about 446 00:23:33,236 --> 00:23:37,636 Speaker 1: another person. He found that participants significantly overestimated how much 447 00:23:37,676 --> 00:23:40,556 Speaker 1: the recipient would judge how well their gratitude note was written, 448 00:23:40,876 --> 00:23:44,476 Speaker 1: while at the same time significantly underestimating how the note's 449 00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:48,276 Speaker 1: warmth would make the recipient feel. In another study, Nick's 450 00:23:48,276 --> 00:23:52,436 Speaker 1: team asked subjects to share three genuine compliments with a friend, or, 451 00:23:52,436 --> 00:23:55,316 Speaker 1: as they phrased it, positive things you have noticed but 452 00:23:55,396 --> 00:23:57,916 Speaker 1: have not for whatever reason, had a chance to compliment 453 00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:58,436 Speaker 1: your friend on. 454 00:23:58,516 --> 00:23:58,756 Speaker 3: Yet. 455 00:23:59,476 --> 00:24:02,236 Speaker 1: Participants were told that their friend would read the compliments 456 00:24:02,436 --> 00:24:04,836 Speaker 1: and fill out a short survey about them. They were 457 00:24:04,836 --> 00:24:07,916 Speaker 1: then asked to estimate how positively the recipient would react. 458 00:24:08,516 --> 00:24:11,756 Speaker 1: Nick found that the subjects significantly underestimated how happy their 459 00:24:11,796 --> 00:24:14,516 Speaker 1: friend would be, in part because they worried too much 460 00:24:14,596 --> 00:24:18,596 Speaker 1: about how competent their compliment sounded, how articulate it came across, 461 00:24:18,676 --> 00:24:21,556 Speaker 1: and how well worded it was. So that's the first 462 00:24:21,596 --> 00:24:23,756 Speaker 1: thing Nick says we need to remember when we're feeling 463 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:27,036 Speaker 1: pessimistic about how a disclosure will go. The people we 464 00:24:27,076 --> 00:24:29,916 Speaker 1: open up to are unlikely to judge us harshly because 465 00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:33,076 Speaker 1: they're paying attention to our warmth, not our competence. But 466 00:24:33,196 --> 00:24:35,516 Speaker 1: Nick says there's a second thing that we need to remember. 467 00:24:35,596 --> 00:24:38,476 Speaker 1: If we're feeling scared to share with another person, we 468 00:24:38,636 --> 00:24:42,436 Speaker 1: probably haven't given ourselves nearly enough opportunities to learn the 469 00:24:42,436 --> 00:24:46,116 Speaker 1: benefits of sharing. And that's because disclosure dilemmas tend to 470 00:24:46,156 --> 00:24:50,236 Speaker 1: trap us and what researchers have called an unkind learning environment. 471 00:24:50,596 --> 00:24:53,636 Speaker 3: A kind learning environment is one where I have a belief, 472 00:24:53,676 --> 00:24:54,916 Speaker 3: I go out and I test it, and I find 473 00:24:54,956 --> 00:24:56,916 Speaker 3: out if I'm wrong. Right. So I think I'm going 474 00:24:56,956 --> 00:24:58,676 Speaker 3: to get an A on this test. I take the test, 475 00:24:58,836 --> 00:25:00,916 Speaker 3: I find out if I'm right or wrong. An unkind 476 00:25:00,956 --> 00:25:05,436 Speaker 3: learning environment is one where my beliefs dictate the kind 477 00:25:05,436 --> 00:25:07,876 Speaker 3: of feedback I get. So if I believe I'm going 478 00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:11,476 Speaker 3: to do poorly on a test, I might not take 479 00:25:11,516 --> 00:25:13,996 Speaker 3: the test, and then I wouldn't actually learn whether my 480 00:25:14,036 --> 00:25:16,876 Speaker 3: belief was right or wrong. And the problem in social 481 00:25:16,916 --> 00:25:19,876 Speaker 3: life is we're often in an unkind learning environment where 482 00:25:19,916 --> 00:25:22,676 Speaker 3: our beliefs do dictate the feedback we get. So if 483 00:25:22,676 --> 00:25:24,236 Speaker 3: I think talking with you is going to be fun 484 00:25:24,476 --> 00:25:27,036 Speaker 3: and enjoyable, I'll try it and I'll find out whether 485 00:25:27,076 --> 00:25:29,036 Speaker 3: I'm right or not. If I think talking with you 486 00:25:29,116 --> 00:25:31,236 Speaker 3: is going to be unpleasant, I won't talk with you, 487 00:25:31,356 --> 00:25:32,756 Speaker 3: and I'll never find out I'm wrong. 488 00:25:33,356 --> 00:25:35,716 Speaker 1: Our brains can only learn from experience when they get 489 00:25:35,756 --> 00:25:39,956 Speaker 1: the experiences they need to actually learn. Unfortunately, our poor 490 00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:42,796 Speaker 1: brains don't get all that much experience with the consequences 491 00:25:42,836 --> 00:25:45,516 Speaker 1: of TMI because we're often too scared to try it. 492 00:25:45,996 --> 00:25:48,596 Speaker 1: Because of this, we're not able to update our expectations 493 00:25:48,596 --> 00:25:52,836 Speaker 1: about oversharing, and that means that whenever disclosure dilemma comes along, 494 00:25:53,116 --> 00:25:55,956 Speaker 1: we're stuck with that pessimistic voice in our head, the 495 00:25:55,996 --> 00:25:58,916 Speaker 1: one that's constantly screaming, OMG, tmi. 496 00:25:59,116 --> 00:26:03,956 Speaker 3: No, that avoidance voice gets stronger right before you're about 497 00:26:03,956 --> 00:26:06,156 Speaker 3: to do a thing. That's what chickening out is all. 498 00:26:06,076 --> 00:26:07,916 Speaker 1: About, and that the cringe is screaming at you. 499 00:26:08,116 --> 00:26:11,156 Speaker 3: The cringes yeah, yeah, in both ears right at a distance, 500 00:26:11,156 --> 00:26:12,916 Speaker 3: there's just one year. Right, you got the angel on 501 00:26:12,916 --> 00:26:14,636 Speaker 3: the one side and the cringe on the other. But 502 00:26:14,676 --> 00:26:16,316 Speaker 3: when you're about to do the thing, all you got 503 00:26:16,356 --> 00:26:18,596 Speaker 3: is cringe. That's it. It's up to eleven both ears. 504 00:26:18,676 --> 00:26:21,676 Speaker 3: But that's the part that often makes us deviate when 505 00:26:21,716 --> 00:26:25,276 Speaker 3: we shouldn't. And you can quiet that cringe voice with 506 00:26:25,356 --> 00:26:26,316 Speaker 3: a lot of practice. 507 00:26:26,556 --> 00:26:29,196 Speaker 1: But Nick admits that even an expert like him still 508 00:26:29,236 --> 00:26:32,716 Speaker 1: hears the avoidance voice on rare occasions. In fact, I 509 00:26:32,756 --> 00:26:35,116 Speaker 1: was really touched by a sweet story he shared in 510 00:26:35,116 --> 00:26:37,676 Speaker 1: his new book about an incident in which his own 511 00:26:37,716 --> 00:26:41,636 Speaker 1: cringe voice got particularly loud. Tell me about the anniversary 512 00:26:41,636 --> 00:26:42,636 Speaker 1: president you gave your wife. 513 00:26:42,636 --> 00:26:46,236 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, So my wife Jen and I have 514 00:26:46,276 --> 00:26:48,556 Speaker 3: been married this as we're talking right now, this is 515 00:26:48,556 --> 00:26:52,276 Speaker 3: our thirtieth year. At twenty five. I put together a 516 00:26:52,276 --> 00:26:58,956 Speaker 3: photo montage. I can't believe you're asking, I wrote, I 517 00:26:59,036 --> 00:27:02,156 Speaker 3: was cringey in the book, I know, but it's worse. 518 00:27:01,916 --> 00:27:04,276 Speaker 1: Even times talked about how crazy I know. 519 00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:06,236 Speaker 3: But I know, I know, I know, but you feel 520 00:27:06,276 --> 00:27:08,436 Speaker 3: it right, Yeah, And so if you're just listening to me, 521 00:27:08,476 --> 00:27:10,236 Speaker 3: I'm kind of a big sort of guy. I was 522 00:27:10,236 --> 00:27:14,116 Speaker 3: a college football player, and you know, being sensitive is 523 00:27:14,236 --> 00:27:17,796 Speaker 3: not necessarily something I'm always known for. Perhaps, but I 524 00:27:17,836 --> 00:27:21,196 Speaker 3: put together this photomontage of us together over the last 525 00:27:21,276 --> 00:27:24,316 Speaker 3: twenty five years, and one of my favorite songs is 526 00:27:24,356 --> 00:27:27,636 Speaker 3: from Ben Folds titled The Luckiest, which I think is 527 00:27:28,076 --> 00:27:31,556 Speaker 3: the song that encapsulates best how I feel about my wife. 528 00:27:31,796 --> 00:27:34,156 Speaker 3: I met her when I was seventeen years old. I 529 00:27:34,196 --> 00:27:37,316 Speaker 3: proposed her when I was twenty one. How I came 530 00:27:37,436 --> 00:27:40,156 Speaker 3: to meet this amazing human being when I was seventeen 531 00:27:40,196 --> 00:27:43,676 Speaker 3: years old is just the most fortunate bit of luck 532 00:27:44,236 --> 00:27:49,636 Speaker 3: that I could have ever had. So I sung The 533 00:27:49,756 --> 00:27:54,156 Speaker 3: Luckiest to this montage. I'm not a great singer. It 534 00:27:54,236 --> 00:27:56,316 Speaker 3: was so cringey to do it because I was focused 535 00:27:56,356 --> 00:27:59,316 Speaker 3: on how awkward I sounded, how terrible I sounded when 536 00:27:59,356 --> 00:28:02,836 Speaker 3: I played it to Jen. Look, she was in tears, 537 00:28:03,396 --> 00:28:05,236 Speaker 3: and part of my brain knew that, Like part of 538 00:28:05,236 --> 00:28:09,956 Speaker 3: my brain knew that she would see the love that 539 00:28:10,036 --> 00:28:12,156 Speaker 3: I was trying to communicate and express to her in 540 00:28:12,196 --> 00:28:13,156 Speaker 3: this she would feel that. 541 00:28:13,796 --> 00:28:15,756 Speaker 1: But even though Nick is an expert on the power 542 00:28:15,836 --> 00:28:19,996 Speaker 1: of vulnerability, the other part of his brain was still screaming, TMI, 543 00:28:20,156 --> 00:28:22,356 Speaker 1: you suck. She's gonna hate it. Stop. 544 00:28:22,756 --> 00:28:25,876 Speaker 3: This is the first time I'd ever sung to my wife, 545 00:28:26,116 --> 00:28:29,996 Speaker 3: and so the avoidance voice was still really, really strong, 546 00:28:30,436 --> 00:28:32,196 Speaker 3: and I had to ignore it to push past it. 547 00:28:32,476 --> 00:28:35,556 Speaker 1: Nick says that pushing past the avoidance voice is easier 548 00:28:35,596 --> 00:28:39,156 Speaker 1: when you remember what psychologist Leslie John explained earlier that 549 00:28:39,156 --> 00:28:42,756 Speaker 1: the most meaningful acts of sharing often feel like oversharing, 550 00:28:43,276 --> 00:28:46,476 Speaker 1: but decades of research demonstrate that your recipient is not 551 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,756 Speaker 1: going to judge you nearly as harshly as you assume. 552 00:28:49,476 --> 00:28:52,836 Speaker 1: Remembering these findings gave Nick the evidence based courage he 553 00:28:52,916 --> 00:28:56,076 Speaker 1: needed to push through his cringe voice and serenade his wife. 554 00:28:56,596 --> 00:28:59,676 Speaker 1: And in Nick's case, going a little TMI worked out nicely. 555 00:29:00,156 --> 00:29:03,516 Speaker 3: She loved it because it's signified warmth. Wasn't competence. She 556 00:29:03,516 --> 00:29:05,516 Speaker 3: didn't expect me to be a great singer. It was 557 00:29:05,556 --> 00:29:09,556 Speaker 3: signifying warmth. Twenty five years she knew she kind into. 558 00:29:11,396 --> 00:29:13,036 Speaker 1: So what can we do to shut off that cringe 559 00:29:13,116 --> 00:29:16,116 Speaker 1: voice more often. Next advice is to collect more of 560 00:29:16,156 --> 00:29:19,316 Speaker 1: our own data on the benefits of TMI to create 561 00:29:19,316 --> 00:29:22,396 Speaker 1: our own kind learning environments, even though the act of 562 00:29:22,436 --> 00:29:25,156 Speaker 1: doing so may feel painfully awkward in the moment. 563 00:29:25,676 --> 00:29:28,836 Speaker 3: The fears you have about how these conversations will go 564 00:29:28,956 --> 00:29:33,836 Speaker 3: are off, right, How do you calibrate those You calibrate 565 00:29:33,876 --> 00:29:38,196 Speaker 3: those with experience, with practice, with trying running the experiment yourself. 566 00:29:38,836 --> 00:29:41,596 Speaker 3: And my hope is that if you have practiced enough, 567 00:29:41,876 --> 00:29:44,596 Speaker 3: you will have another voice too, and that other voice 568 00:29:44,636 --> 00:29:47,276 Speaker 3: is telling you no, it'll be okay. You can sing 569 00:29:47,596 --> 00:29:50,836 Speaker 3: the Benfold song to your wife and she will love it. 570 00:29:51,676 --> 00:29:54,956 Speaker 3: Even though you sound horrible, she will still love it. 571 00:29:55,316 --> 00:29:57,556 Speaker 1: But wait, you might be thinking, it's one thing to 572 00:29:57,596 --> 00:30:00,356 Speaker 1: overcome your worries about oversharing when you're singing on your 573 00:30:00,356 --> 00:30:03,636 Speaker 1: twenty fifth anniversary, But what about embarrassing moments of TMI 574 00:30:03,676 --> 00:30:06,436 Speaker 1: at work or doing a job interview, or when you're 575 00:30:06,436 --> 00:30:09,396 Speaker 1: about to totally humiliate yourself in front of someone who 576 00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:12,076 Speaker 1: hasn't vowed to love you through sickness and health. When 577 00:30:12,076 --> 00:30:14,796 Speaker 1: we get back from the break, oversharing expert Leslie John 578 00:30:14,876 --> 00:30:17,516 Speaker 1: will help us tackle when to choose TMI in these 579 00:30:17,596 --> 00:30:20,636 Speaker 1: higher stakes disclosure dilemmas, and when it might be worth 580 00:30:20,716 --> 00:30:23,756 Speaker 1: holding things back. We'll hear her tips for handling the 581 00:30:23,796 --> 00:30:27,436 Speaker 1: big boss levels of oversharing challenges when the Happiness Lab 582 00:30:27,436 --> 00:30:28,636 Speaker 1: returns in a moment. 583 00:30:36,396 --> 00:30:40,636 Speaker 2: If you do start experimenting more with revealing, you're going 584 00:30:40,716 --> 00:30:42,156 Speaker 2: to cross the line sometimes. 585 00:30:42,276 --> 00:30:45,796 Speaker 1: Psychologist an oversharing fan Leslie John argues that when facing 586 00:30:45,796 --> 00:30:48,116 Speaker 1: a disclosure dilemma, it's often wise to air on the 587 00:30:48,116 --> 00:30:51,836 Speaker 1: side of TMI rather than TLI, but even she admits 588 00:30:51,876 --> 00:30:53,796 Speaker 1: that we need to strike some sort of balance. 589 00:30:54,196 --> 00:30:57,156 Speaker 2: So the people that I think are best at navigating 590 00:30:57,196 --> 00:31:01,396 Speaker 2: disclosure dilemmas, at revealing when they should and keeping mom 591 00:31:01,436 --> 00:31:03,556 Speaker 2: when they should, are people that are really high in 592 00:31:03,636 --> 00:31:09,596 Speaker 2: disclosure flexibility, which refers to the ability to navigate definitely 593 00:31:09,716 --> 00:31:12,436 Speaker 2: from extreme openness to extreme guardedness. 594 00:31:12,756 --> 00:31:16,596 Speaker 1: Healthy disclosure flexibility involves tracking more specific features of a 595 00:31:16,636 --> 00:31:19,796 Speaker 1: disclosure situation when deciding how much to reveal, and one 596 00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:22,596 Speaker 1: feature Leslie thinks we need to flexibly attend to is 597 00:31:22,596 --> 00:31:24,716 Speaker 1: how long we've been in a given relationship. 598 00:31:24,876 --> 00:31:27,596 Speaker 2: I think we're pretty adept at navigating how much to 599 00:31:27,676 --> 00:31:30,756 Speaker 2: share in early relationships when we're dating, we know we 600 00:31:30,796 --> 00:31:34,076 Speaker 2: share a little bit and more. But where we tend 601 00:31:34,116 --> 00:31:38,596 Speaker 2: to go awry is in long term relationships, where we've 602 00:31:38,636 --> 00:31:41,636 Speaker 2: been together so long that we know each other so well. 603 00:31:42,556 --> 00:31:44,796 Speaker 2: But the problem is our confidence that we know the 604 00:31:44,796 --> 00:31:47,836 Speaker 2: person outpaces our actual knowledge, and that's where the problem begins, 605 00:31:47,876 --> 00:31:51,116 Speaker 2: because that's when we stop asking, we stop sharing, we 606 00:31:51,156 --> 00:31:54,996 Speaker 2: assume we really do need to keep sharing to keep 607 00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:56,036 Speaker 2: that closeness alive. 608 00:31:56,596 --> 00:31:59,756 Speaker 1: Similar problems can also crop up in long term friendships. 609 00:32:00,196 --> 00:32:02,796 Speaker 1: Leslie worries about one case in particular, in which we 610 00:32:02,836 --> 00:32:05,716 Speaker 1: tend to go tli with our friends when we have 611 00:32:05,956 --> 00:32:08,996 Speaker 1: good news. In fact, Leslie has found that more than 612 00:32:09,196 --> 00:32:12,636 Speaker 1: eighty percent of people report intentionally hiding a success from 613 00:32:12,636 --> 00:32:13,236 Speaker 1: a good friend. 614 00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:16,676 Speaker 2: We're often very reticent to share successes with our close 615 00:32:17,076 --> 00:32:20,436 Speaker 2: friends because we don't want them to feel envious and 616 00:32:20,476 --> 00:32:23,196 Speaker 2: jealous because we care so much about them. If you 617 00:32:23,676 --> 00:32:27,516 Speaker 2: don't tell them about the promotion, they'll probably find out 618 00:32:27,556 --> 00:32:30,596 Speaker 2: anyways from a third party, and that's really bad for 619 00:32:30,636 --> 00:32:33,196 Speaker 2: your relationship because think about it, when you find out 620 00:32:33,196 --> 00:32:36,476 Speaker 2: thirdhand about your friend's success, you think they thought I 621 00:32:36,476 --> 00:32:38,556 Speaker 2: couldn't take it, or maybe we're not as close as 622 00:32:38,596 --> 00:32:41,796 Speaker 2: I thought we were. But it's a very valid concern. 623 00:32:41,796 --> 00:32:43,636 Speaker 2: You don't want to hurt the person's feelings when you 624 00:32:43,796 --> 00:32:45,596 Speaker 2: have the good fortune. And so what can you do? 625 00:32:45,676 --> 00:32:48,356 Speaker 2: How can you say it better to your friend? Well, 626 00:32:48,396 --> 00:32:51,356 Speaker 2: first of all, timing is important. You want to catch 627 00:32:51,396 --> 00:32:55,036 Speaker 2: them when they're not in a rut, right. 628 00:32:54,916 --> 00:32:57,156 Speaker 1: And when you do, find the right moment, Leslie says, 629 00:32:57,156 --> 00:33:00,076 Speaker 1: you need to avoid the tendency to humble, brag or 630 00:33:00,156 --> 00:33:01,476 Speaker 1: to downplay your achievements. 631 00:33:01,796 --> 00:33:03,876 Speaker 2: We often think we need to kind of take the 632 00:33:04,116 --> 00:33:07,316 Speaker 2: edge off of a brag by making a faux self 633 00:33:07,356 --> 00:33:11,676 Speaker 2: deprecating comment or a faux display of humility, foe being 634 00:33:11,756 --> 00:33:15,716 Speaker 2: the operative word here. People see right through it. We 635 00:33:15,796 --> 00:33:18,156 Speaker 2: think that that's the best way to share our successes 636 00:33:18,196 --> 00:33:21,636 Speaker 2: when we do work up the gumption, but we should 637 00:33:21,716 --> 00:33:24,756 Speaker 2: actually just come out and say them. And the way 638 00:33:24,756 --> 00:33:26,756 Speaker 2: you can say it in a kind way is to say, 639 00:33:27,316 --> 00:33:29,796 Speaker 2: I worked really really hard for this promotion, and I 640 00:33:29,836 --> 00:33:32,676 Speaker 2: feel really proud of it, and I'm so grateful that 641 00:33:32,716 --> 00:33:34,716 Speaker 2: you were cheering me along the whole way. I couldn't 642 00:33:34,716 --> 00:33:37,476 Speaker 2: do it without you. Right, That's a way of sharing. 643 00:33:37,916 --> 00:33:41,156 Speaker 2: And then we'll find that once you do this that 644 00:33:41,716 --> 00:33:43,516 Speaker 2: also enhances your relationship. 645 00:33:43,676 --> 00:33:46,796 Speaker 1: So that's how to disclose more effectively in friendships. But 646 00:33:46,796 --> 00:33:50,316 Speaker 1: what about disclosure flexibility on the job. Well, Leslie has 647 00:33:50,356 --> 00:33:54,396 Speaker 1: discovered that effective workplace disclosures require paying close attention to 648 00:33:54,476 --> 00:33:57,516 Speaker 1: the status of your recipient. Let's say you're thinking about 649 00:33:57,556 --> 00:34:00,276 Speaker 1: revealing something vulnerable to someone who's at the same level 650 00:34:00,276 --> 00:34:03,436 Speaker 1: as you, say a teammate or your work bestie. In 651 00:34:03,476 --> 00:34:06,636 Speaker 1: those instances, Leslie's advice is definitely to err on the 652 00:34:06,676 --> 00:34:09,276 Speaker 1: side of TMI. But what about cases in which you're 653 00:34:09,276 --> 00:34:11,836 Speaker 1: in a higher status role than your recipient, When you're, 654 00:34:11,876 --> 00:34:15,156 Speaker 1: say the boss or in some position of authority. Surprisingly, 655 00:34:15,276 --> 00:34:17,716 Speaker 1: the science suggests this is also a good time to 656 00:34:17,876 --> 00:34:20,756 Speaker 1: err on the side of revealing. One study found that 657 00:34:20,796 --> 00:34:23,316 Speaker 1: when leaders are honest about their own gaps and knowledge 658 00:34:23,396 --> 00:34:26,556 Speaker 1: or skills, their teams grow to trust them more. Leaders 659 00:34:26,556 --> 00:34:29,276 Speaker 1: who reveal more are also more likely to receive open 660 00:34:29,316 --> 00:34:33,516 Speaker 1: feedback from their subordinates. So yes, even in high status situations, 661 00:34:33,596 --> 00:34:36,116 Speaker 1: it's still good to get a bit vulnerable. Okay, But 662 00:34:36,196 --> 00:34:38,756 Speaker 1: what about when you're not in a high status situation? There, 663 00:34:38,756 --> 00:34:42,356 Speaker 1: of course we need to be more careful because our 664 00:34:42,396 --> 00:34:46,236 Speaker 1: negative disclosures can be much more easily used against us. 665 00:34:46,316 --> 00:34:49,596 Speaker 2: They can be misconstrued. One thing that I like to 666 00:34:49,636 --> 00:34:53,716 Speaker 2: think about is the difference between transparency and vulnerability. Transparency 667 00:34:54,796 --> 00:34:58,756 Speaker 2: is cognitive openness, so sharing the way your mind works, 668 00:34:58,796 --> 00:35:01,316 Speaker 2: the way your thoughts work, how you think through things. 669 00:35:01,996 --> 00:35:05,116 Speaker 2: That's a form of sharing that's pretty low risk in 670 00:35:05,156 --> 00:35:06,236 Speaker 2: the workplace. 671 00:35:05,836 --> 00:35:06,756 Speaker 1: And high reward. 672 00:35:07,836 --> 00:35:10,036 Speaker 2: The part where you get into the day dangerous territory 673 00:35:10,076 --> 00:35:15,796 Speaker 2: is vulnerability, which is sharing maybe negative thoughts, feelings, which 674 00:35:15,836 --> 00:35:18,396 Speaker 2: we need to be much more careful about at work. 675 00:35:18,516 --> 00:35:20,956 Speaker 2: There's still a place for it. But if you think 676 00:35:20,996 --> 00:35:23,516 Speaker 2: about what would be a nice rule of thumb, cognitive 677 00:35:23,556 --> 00:35:25,756 Speaker 2: openness transparency is you should do more of that. 678 00:35:26,476 --> 00:35:28,476 Speaker 1: Can you give me an example of the cognitive openness 679 00:35:28,516 --> 00:35:30,036 Speaker 1: because I love I love the idea, but I think 680 00:35:30,036 --> 00:35:30,796 Speaker 1: it's hard to see. 681 00:35:30,876 --> 00:35:31,076 Speaker 3: Yeah. 682 00:35:31,116 --> 00:35:34,436 Speaker 2: So imagine you're in a job interview, so you're the candidate, 683 00:35:34,556 --> 00:35:38,556 Speaker 2: You're in a low status situation, and they ask you 684 00:35:38,596 --> 00:35:41,436 Speaker 2: what's your greatest weakness. What you can say is actually 685 00:35:41,476 --> 00:35:44,836 Speaker 2: of real weakness, but in a careful way. Imagine your 686 00:35:44,876 --> 00:35:47,676 Speaker 2: weakness is like most of us, I don't like being 687 00:35:47,676 --> 00:35:51,276 Speaker 2: put on the spot in meetings. What you can say is, 688 00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:55,716 Speaker 2: you know the way my mind works is I like 689 00:35:55,756 --> 00:35:58,716 Speaker 2: to have a few moments to think through the key points. 690 00:35:58,756 --> 00:36:01,396 Speaker 2: I'm going to say, that's just the way my brain works. 691 00:36:01,756 --> 00:36:04,316 Speaker 2: So if you give me even two minutes to prep 692 00:36:04,356 --> 00:36:06,516 Speaker 2: for a meeting, I'll be way better. I mean, that's 693 00:36:06,556 --> 00:36:09,556 Speaker 2: such a baller response because it's a true weakness, but 694 00:36:09,636 --> 00:36:12,636 Speaker 2: the fact that you are on top of it shows 695 00:36:12,636 --> 00:36:13,636 Speaker 2: that you're self aware. 696 00:36:14,236 --> 00:36:17,316 Speaker 1: This strategy of cognitive openness a revealing part of your 697 00:36:17,316 --> 00:36:20,876 Speaker 1: thought process rather than the negative thought itself, also works 698 00:36:20,916 --> 00:36:23,996 Speaker 1: to deflect the negative consequences of a kind of oversharing 699 00:36:24,036 --> 00:36:26,756 Speaker 1: that many of us worry about on the job, showing 700 00:36:26,836 --> 00:36:29,876 Speaker 1: too much emotion. Let's take what is perhaps the most 701 00:36:29,916 --> 00:36:34,036 Speaker 1: extreme version of an emotional overshare at work, suddenly bursting 702 00:36:34,036 --> 00:36:34,676 Speaker 1: into tears. 703 00:36:35,516 --> 00:36:40,076 Speaker 2: Crying is tricky. If you feel you are going to cry, 704 00:36:40,636 --> 00:36:43,636 Speaker 2: you can say, look, I feel really passionate about this. 705 00:36:43,796 --> 00:36:47,316 Speaker 2: I care so much about this that that's why I'm 706 00:36:47,356 --> 00:36:50,516 Speaker 2: getting a bit upset about this because I care so much. 707 00:36:50,996 --> 00:36:54,156 Speaker 2: And so when you comment on the feeling and why 708 00:36:54,196 --> 00:36:57,116 Speaker 2: you're having it and attribute it to caring about the work, 709 00:36:57,316 --> 00:37:01,276 Speaker 2: to passion, that makes it less likely that you will 710 00:37:01,316 --> 00:37:05,196 Speaker 2: be perceived negatively for crying. Now, it's really tricky, especially 711 00:37:05,196 --> 00:37:08,356 Speaker 2: when you're in a low status situation, so it's best 712 00:37:08,396 --> 00:37:11,076 Speaker 2: not to cry in settings. But if you say this 713 00:37:11,236 --> 00:37:15,676 Speaker 2: is why I'm crying, it can actually make you seem 714 00:37:16,356 --> 00:37:20,356 Speaker 2: credible and therefore more competent because you're aware, right, And 715 00:37:20,436 --> 00:37:23,436 Speaker 2: also the person who is willing to say the thing 716 00:37:23,716 --> 00:37:26,916 Speaker 2: is by definition confident, and so it really can be 717 00:37:26,956 --> 00:37:28,116 Speaker 2: disarming in that way. 718 00:37:28,276 --> 00:37:30,876 Speaker 1: In all these cases, the research shows that we usually 719 00:37:30,876 --> 00:37:33,396 Speaker 1: do better when we reveal something about what's going on 720 00:37:33,476 --> 00:37:36,716 Speaker 1: inside us. Has all this work made you become more okay? 721 00:37:36,756 --> 00:37:37,276 Speaker 1: With TMI? 722 00:37:37,636 --> 00:37:42,596 Speaker 2: One hundred percent? One thousand percent? You know? I? You know, 723 00:37:42,676 --> 00:37:44,676 Speaker 2: as I was writing the book, it really was such 724 00:37:44,676 --> 00:37:47,836 Speaker 2: a meta experience because how can you write a book 725 00:37:47,836 --> 00:37:51,316 Speaker 2: about revealing and not reveal about yourself? And so I 726 00:37:51,556 --> 00:37:54,156 Speaker 2: was constantly as I was writing it thinking is this 727 00:37:54,236 --> 00:37:57,356 Speaker 2: too much? Hopefully I got it mostly right, but if 728 00:37:57,396 --> 00:38:00,436 Speaker 2: I didn't, that's also part of the point. We think 729 00:38:00,476 --> 00:38:03,196 Speaker 2: that silence is the safe thing, that it's neutral, but 730 00:38:03,276 --> 00:38:06,316 Speaker 2: it's not. And once I made that reframe that silence 731 00:38:06,396 --> 00:38:08,476 Speaker 2: is not neutral and this is always a choice, it's 732 00:38:08,516 --> 00:38:11,436 Speaker 2: made me real deal more and I've benefited, I think hugely. 733 00:38:12,556 --> 00:38:14,796 Speaker 1: So that's our first happiness hot take of the season. 734 00:38:15,156 --> 00:38:18,036 Speaker 1: Oversharing ain't so bad, and we should be doing it 735 00:38:18,076 --> 00:38:21,396 Speaker 1: way more often. TMI shared with real people in real 736 00:38:21,436 --> 00:38:24,436 Speaker 1: life tends to build trust and connection, especially when it's 737 00:38:24,476 --> 00:38:27,716 Speaker 1: done with a bit of care and disclosure flexibility. So 738 00:38:27,796 --> 00:38:30,796 Speaker 1: the next time you're facing it in real life disclosure dilemma, 739 00:38:31,116 --> 00:38:33,676 Speaker 1: remember that your inner cringe voice is lying to you, 740 00:38:34,116 --> 00:38:39,116 Speaker 1: and what feels like oversharing is often just sharing. Next 741 00:38:39,116 --> 00:38:41,876 Speaker 1: time on the Happiness Lab, I'll be continuing our happiness 742 00:38:41,876 --> 00:38:44,516 Speaker 1: hot take season with the hot take that even I 743 00:38:44,676 --> 00:38:47,076 Speaker 1: have gotten wrong in the past. We'll turn to the 744 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,156 Speaker 1: college student mental health crisis and learn about new data 745 00:38:50,156 --> 00:38:52,516 Speaker 1: that shows that the kids today might be all right, 746 00:38:53,076 --> 00:38:54,996 Speaker 1: or at least as all right as the kids have 747 00:38:55,076 --> 00:38:55,516 Speaker 1: ever been. 748 00:38:55,756 --> 00:38:58,156 Speaker 2: It was really disorienting for us as researchers to be 749 00:38:58,276 --> 00:39:00,116 Speaker 2: so wrong about our hypothesis. 750 00:39:00,316 --> 00:39:02,676 Speaker 1: That's all. Next week on the Happiness Lab would be 751 00:39:02,916 --> 00:39:05,836 Speaker 1: doctor Laurie Santos