Speaker 1: I'm not your typical parents. That's that's it. That's clear
Speaker 1: to see. Absolutely, And I want to say typically ain't
Speaker 1: always better dead ass, So we're doing it always. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created
Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take Phillows off to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: Ads starts right now, So I'm gonna take us back.
Speaker 1: Let me get my tissues ready, because this story kind,
Speaker 1: this shouldn't make you sad. This story time takes me
Speaker 1: back to two weeks ago, no, three weeks ago actually,
Speaker 1: or when this air is going to be probably weeks
Speaker 1: weeks ago, but um, I went to social media to
Speaker 1: explain why the kids wouldn't be on social media for
Speaker 1: a little bit of time. I was giving him a break,
Speaker 1: and let me give you all the full context of
Speaker 1: everything that happened that Sunday. We went to one of
Speaker 1: Jackson's basketball games and he wasn't trying. He just was not.
Speaker 1: He just wasn't. He wasn't there. He just We had
Speaker 1: put a lot of hours into going to the gym
Speaker 1: because he said he wanted to play basketball, and we've
Speaker 1: been in the gym every single day, taking a hundred
Speaker 1: and fifty shots, making a hundred and fifty shots, hired
Speaker 1: a trainer, Um, got gym time, rented court time, like
Speaker 1: I've done all of that to be supportive. And he
Speaker 1: went in there and this I think it was his
Speaker 1: seventh game at this point, and he just seemed like
Speaker 1: he wasn't interested. So get in the car and UM,
Speaker 1: I just let him have it, Like I was just
Speaker 1: telling him, I disappointed. I was. Yeah, I cursed. It was.
Speaker 1: It was. It was bad. It was it was a lot.
Speaker 1: It was bad. Your father was in the car. Your
Speaker 1: followed telling Jackson to like, yeah, and I don't know
Speaker 1: what today was like. Collectively, as the adults. We was
Speaker 1: pretty much letting Jackson know how bad it was. Then
Speaker 1: we get home and Cairo and Kas are playing as usual.
Speaker 1: Da code is here. I'm downstairs with one of my
Speaker 1: homeboys who came to watch Jackson play, and Cadine says, Deval,
Speaker 1: can you come upstairs right now? Please? And she had
Speaker 1: that motherly tone, So I'm like, what's up, Like, what's
Speaker 1: the matter. She's just like, can you please talk to
Speaker 1: Kaz about saying booty? And I'm like, then we had
Speaker 1: this conversation already, and and you were just like you
Speaker 1: was just like yeah, every time if someone farts, if
Speaker 1: someone says booty or but and then they just bust
Speaker 1: out last and he just keeps saying booty and I'm
Speaker 1: tired of it. So I try to do my best.
Speaker 1: I get down on the knee, I meet him at
Speaker 1: his level. I speak to him. I have a high
Speaker 1: voice because I don't want him to be intimidated. And
Speaker 1: I'm just like, Cass, didn't we talk about, you know,
Speaker 1: not saying booty anymore? And he just puts his chin
Speaker 1: up like he's looking through his nose at me, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm like, buddy, didn't we have this discussion already?
Speaker 1: And he's just looking at me, So I'm like, I'm like,
Speaker 1: what's the matter. And then Cairo comes and he's just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. He just keeps saying sus stuff and
Speaker 1: I'm like, excuse me. He's like, yeah, he's just doing
Speaker 1: sus stuff and I'm like what, Like, what did he doing?
Speaker 1: Just keep shaking his booty and he's just like he
Speaker 1: keeps coming behind me and just like putting his pp
Speaker 1: on me. So I'm like, I'm like, Cash, what are
Speaker 1: you watching? So then Cairo says he watches this thing called,
Speaker 1: um what was it? The gummy but I'm a gummy
Speaker 1: beer and the gummy bear dances and shapes. But so
Speaker 1: Cash thinks it's funny and he keeps shaking his butt.
Speaker 1: So I instantly get right and I say, cats, didn't
Speaker 1: we talk about not doing what you see on YouTube? Right?
Speaker 1: And he just looks at me through his nose again.
Speaker 1: So I lost it and I said, okay, this is
Speaker 1: how you want to do things. You want to play
Speaker 1: this game. So I go grab his iPad, get his iPad.
Speaker 1: I walk him out to the balcony and I said,
Speaker 1: you see this iPad, and I throw the iPad over
Speaker 1: the balcony. The whole time I'm doing this, he's still
Speaker 1: standing or staring at me through his nose. And it
Speaker 1: wasn't until he heard gru and that iPad hit the
Speaker 1: pool where he finally broke down and said, So now
Speaker 1: I'm screaming, I'm hollering. I'm like, give me every piece
Speaker 1: of jewelry, get me every jersey, all these sneakers. Put
Speaker 1: it all at the bottom of the stairs. Your kids
Speaker 1: are entitled. You don't listen. And I lost it. And
Speaker 1: Codeine comes to me afterwards, because in that moment, Codeine
Speaker 1: was fully supportive. She's holding the CODA and she's walking
Speaker 1: around you. Hear what your father say? What your father said.
Speaker 1: Then later on that night, she goes, did you really
Speaker 1: have to throw his iPad in the pool? And I
Speaker 1: was like, I was trying to make a point. I
Speaker 1: was speaking to him the way I've been reading and
Speaker 1: trying to learn and evolved as a parent of how
Speaker 1: I should speak to my tyler to not make them
Speaker 1: feel intimidated. And the motherfucker wasn't listening. But he started
Speaker 1: listening when I threw that iPad in the pool. Didn't
Speaker 1: he and she's like, I guess, so. So this is
Speaker 1: how I slept that night knowing that I had won.
Speaker 1: But then I woke up feeling awful because I felt
Speaker 1: like I had gone too far. Then it took me
Speaker 1: a couple of days to reflect. And after we get
Speaker 1: done with after we get yeah, after we get done
Speaker 1: with karaoke, I'll tell you guys about the reflection. Because
Speaker 1: I'm a renegade. Never been afraid to holler about anything, anything,
Speaker 1: anything is. I'm a renegade. Never been afraid to save
Speaker 1: what's on my mind that any giving time a day
Speaker 1: because I'm a renegade, never been afraid to holler about anything,
Speaker 1: anything anything. I had to hustle my back to the wall,
Speaker 1: actually knuckles pockets filled with a lot of lyn not
Speaker 1: a cent got event, lot of innocent lives lost on
Speaker 1: the project, bench, had to pay rent, bring dollars in.
Speaker 1: That's what I've been through for these kids. That's what
Speaker 1: I've been through. Think about, think about when we first
Speaker 1: had Jackson, how broke we were and how hard we worked.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, man, I love karaoke, but you know
Speaker 1: what I love more in karaoke money. So let's take
Speaker 1: a break, so we can pay some ads and we'll
Speaker 1: be right back. Think about when we first had Jackson,
Speaker 1: how broke we were and how hard we worked. Oh when,
Speaker 1: my when that feeling like my kids were becoming entitled
Speaker 1: made me feel like I was failing as a father
Speaker 1: and a husband, especially since I have four black boys.
Speaker 1: That's why I in that moment. Of course, we are
Speaker 1: going to be the United Front as parents all the time,
Speaker 1: and we try to be um. But in that moment,
Speaker 1: I was like, I let you rock because I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know, you had had enough and we both, I
Speaker 1: think collectively as a unit, had had enough of certain things.
Speaker 1: Household right. Um, of course we do the best that
Speaker 1: we can. We have the three boys now four. Um,
Speaker 1: we have my parents here also living simultaneously. So we
Speaker 1: had had the discussion recently. De Val and I were saying,
Speaker 1: you know, are we doing our kids almost a disservice
Speaker 1: having their grandparents here full time? Because you know how
Speaker 1: it is when you go to grandma and Grandpa's house,
Speaker 1: you get spoiled, you get what you want, you know,
Speaker 1: you have a good time, but then you come back
Speaker 1: home to mom and dad, whereas having them in the
Speaker 1: house with us full time twice before seven. There becomes
Speaker 1: this a little bit of a battle because it's like
Speaker 1: grandma and Grandpa want to be Grandma and Grandpa said,
Speaker 1: and they want to spoil and they want to give,
Speaker 1: and I want to do, but that can't happen because
Speaker 1: they live with us. So we were noticing that some
Speaker 1: of the things that you and I, um, we're trying
Speaker 1: to implement or trying to enforce with the children, sometimes
Speaker 1: there was an inconsistency because my parents wouldn't necessarily see
Speaker 1: it through. So they try, but sometimes the kids are
Speaker 1: going to be kids and they know what they can
Speaker 1: get away with things with. So so tell us about
Speaker 1: I guess now your reflection, because Deval and I actually
Speaker 1: had to leave to go to New York for work
Speaker 1: the next morning, So no one wants to have that argument.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like arguing with your spouse and then
Speaker 1: you have to leave and go away. UM. I think
Speaker 1: it hurt ten times worse to feel like that was
Speaker 1: the no left, That was the accord that we left
Speaker 1: the next morning, um with the children on you know, um.
Speaker 1: But it happened that evening and that plane ride and
Speaker 1: everything I could tell that it was on my mind.
Speaker 1: Those my mind for two reasons. One because I always
Speaker 1: want to evolve and be better, right, but I felt
Speaker 1: like in me trying to be better and my kids better,
Speaker 1: I was failing because it wasn't working, you know. Like
Speaker 1: I grew up a very modest and privileged young man.
Speaker 1: You know, I was privileged that both my parents we
Speaker 1: moved from an apartment to a house. That was the privilege.
Speaker 1: You know. I had a lawn, you know, my my
Speaker 1: father bought me my first car when I was eighteen.
Speaker 1: Privilege but modest, and that my parents made me work
Speaker 1: for everything. You know what I'm saying, Like they didn't give.
Speaker 1: We didn't We didn't live in abundance, right, So everything
Speaker 1: that I got growing up, I felt had value, you know.
Speaker 1: And then my father taught me a lot of valuable
Speaker 1: lessons about finances and time because I had to work
Speaker 1: like my grandparents. When we were eight and nine years old,
Speaker 1: we had to set up a chore system right where
Speaker 1: we had to be up at eight in the morning.
Speaker 1: We had to cut the grass. They lived on an
Speaker 1: acre and a half of land in Morristown, Tennessee. My
Speaker 1: brother and my cousin, Devona, and I had to cut
Speaker 1: the grass, trim the hedgians, water the lawn, picked the weeds.
Speaker 1: And this is eight and nine years old, but it
Speaker 1: taught us work ethic. We knew we had to be up.
Speaker 1: It was hot in the summertime in Morristown, Tennessee, and
Speaker 1: we were outside doing this to the point where when
Speaker 1: I was sixteen and I started, I got my my license,
Speaker 1: I got my permit, and I knew I was gonna
Speaker 1: start driving. I was like, let me get a job
Speaker 1: so I can't have gas money because I was borrowing
Speaker 1: my uncle Kev's car. So I was never like afraid
Speaker 1: of hard work, never stranger to it. So now you
Speaker 1: get older and you're like, I want to give my
Speaker 1: kids all of the things I didn't have. Right, So
Speaker 1: we moved from our apartment just like almost the same
Speaker 1: exact year. We moved from our apartment at nine when
Speaker 1: Jackson was nine and were eight, and we moved from
Speaker 1: Carnarsi from from Flatbush to Canarsi when I was eight,
Speaker 1: So I remember going from an apartment to go into
Speaker 1: a house. So with Jackson we moved from our apartment
Speaker 1: that we moved to l A. Then we moved from
Speaker 1: l A and I We're in Atlanta in our own space,
Speaker 1: and I noticed that they were just taking certain things
Speaker 1: for granted, you know, like Jackson was using V Bucks
Speaker 1: all at the time, and he's using these V Bucks
Speaker 1: and I'm getting piste off because every other day it's
Speaker 1: like nine dollars, ten dollars, and I'm like, boa, like,
Speaker 1: this is money. You don't just be spending on V books.
Speaker 1: And then when you waste the V books, you get
Speaker 1: more V books. That doesn't work. Then he asked me
Speaker 1: to get him a trainer and take him to basketball
Speaker 1: and do all these things. And while I'm investing my time,
Speaker 1: taking time away from my wife and my kids and
Speaker 1: my money to do these things. You get into the
Speaker 1: games and you just at some point you just act
Speaker 1: like you don't want to be there. I like lost it,
Speaker 1: you know. But then you have people in your life
Speaker 1: who kind of bring you back to a perspective. Right.
Speaker 1: J Cole, who's Jackson's trainer, was like, you do you
Speaker 1: do realize that Jackson's only been playing organized basketball for
Speaker 1: two months And I was like, yeah, but there has
Speaker 1: to be a will and then the want for him,
Speaker 1: and he was like, well, you can't have a will
Speaker 1: of want to do something that you don't know what
Speaker 1: you're supposed to do. He's learning, so it seems like
Speaker 1: he's moving slow or he or he's lost because he
Speaker 1: really doesn't know. Every kid that I've trained has gone
Speaker 1: do this. So I was like, oh, so this is
Speaker 1: not like an entitlement thing or I mean, he's just
Speaker 1: like no. So I was like, damn, I messed up, Like,
Speaker 1: you know, like damn, I feel bad. I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: you got some goggles. I was like goggles. He's like yeah,
Speaker 1: about to go fishing path out of the pool because
Speaker 1: I messed up. No, I felt bad because I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm the one that called you upstairs. I felt like
Speaker 1: I sparked that whole tantrum in a sense because I
Speaker 1: was overhearing Kaz, you know, because the thing is like
Speaker 1: they joke about it out booty either booty hey, like
Speaker 1: they think it's so funny at this age. But what
Speaker 1: I fear is that he's going to be out in
Speaker 1: public or at someone else's house or you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, because it's always the thing where your parents,
Speaker 1: you know, they give you the talk when they send
Speaker 1: you to someone else's house whatever, and it's just like
Speaker 1: behave yourself, don't you know? And you just wanted it
Speaker 1: to be a habit. The things that you learn at
Speaker 1: home you will then take with you out into the world.
Speaker 1: I just didn't want them running around people's houses, you know,
Speaker 1: and peeps all day. But you know what brought me
Speaker 1: back to reality. It is my first time raising boys.
Speaker 1: I called my parents to vent about I'm like, what
Speaker 1: am I doing wrong? Like I'm trying to give him anything?
Speaker 1: And then my mom said, My mom said, you know,
Speaker 1: you and your brother did the same day walk around
Speaker 1: this house four or five or anytime somebody fart or
Speaker 1: say booty or but or a penis or boobies. Y'all
Speaker 1: loved us out, laughing. Y'all walk around and no shirts on,
Speaker 1: and it's she's just like, Y used to have fart
Speaker 1: competitions and stuff. And I'm just like, and you know what,
Speaker 1: like we like we did. But and I realized in
Speaker 1: that moment that I was projecting where I where I
Speaker 1: am in my life and expecting my toddler and my
Speaker 1: ten year old to understand everything that I had finally
Speaker 1: figured out at thirty seven, and then realizing that at
Speaker 1: thirty seven, I don't know everything so I had to apologize, right.
Speaker 1: So here's where it tripped me out and made me
Speaker 1: realize that we were doing an Okay, John Prenton, I
Speaker 1: faced time Jackson while we're in New York. That's in
Speaker 1: the hotel room, looking like he lost all his dogs. Okay.
Speaker 1: I went out to get my makeup done, came back
Speaker 1: and he was just like, man, I had to have
Speaker 1: a call talk with Jake Cole and he just looked
Speaker 1: so sad. I was like, you know, when you better
Speaker 1: reconcile with your babies before you lose it because you
Speaker 1: don't say you don't know. Because now I've been there
Speaker 1: as well, I've had to apologize. Remember Jackson, the whole
Speaker 1: COVID thing, Like I've had to stop and you know
Speaker 1: now you're right, Yeah, you're right. You have to apologize.
Speaker 1: And what I'm what I'm talking about is there are
Speaker 1: different nuances and being a black woman and a black man, right,
Speaker 1: and sometimes I get stuck in those nuances. For example,
Speaker 1: the video that surfaced of the young white boy and
Speaker 1: the young black boy who were in the mall having
Speaker 1: an argument. The argument became physical. The white boy was
Speaker 1: the aggressor, right, they're fighting each other two white cops
Speaker 1: come over. Right. They pulled the white boy off of
Speaker 1: the little black kid right, sit him down on the couch,
Speaker 1: then put their knee in the backs of the black
Speaker 1: kid and handcuff him, no questions, no questions asked. So
Speaker 1: in mom mind, in my mind, it's like and not
Speaker 1: for nothing. They do the same thing to young black girls,
Speaker 1: because there was the video I think was six years
Speaker 1: ago of the young black girl at the pool at
Speaker 1: the pool, and they right, and I'm just yep. So
Speaker 1: for me, when I look at my boys, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to teach them a level of dignity and toughness and
Speaker 1: emotional security at the same time. And I want them
Speaker 1: to understand so bad because I fear that they go
Speaker 1: out into the world and not understanding these things and
Speaker 1: find themselves in that situation. That's the fear I have
Speaker 1: as a father to four kings, you know. But I
Speaker 1: faced Tom Jackson and I say, brod go. I talked
Speaker 1: to him and I I owe you an apology, and
Speaker 1: he was just like okay, And I'm just like, you know,
Speaker 1: I handled it wrong in the in the in the car.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I shouldn't have been screaming
Speaker 1: and and this is just just clarity. I scream and
Speaker 1: then I'm going to say this on the podcast because
Speaker 1: this is our commune. But when it comes to coaching
Speaker 1: and training and motivating my kids, I scream and cursing
Speaker 1: my kids. This is why I called myself a renegade.
Speaker 1: I do things non traditionally, and the reason why I
Speaker 1: do it is because I was an athlete my whole life.
Speaker 1: Every coach that I came across screamed and cursed and hollered,
Speaker 1: and it wasn't like always a degrading curse, but it
Speaker 1: was something like, you know, like let's fucking go. And
Speaker 1: I want my boys to hear those words from me
Speaker 1: while getting hugs and kisses, so that they understand that
Speaker 1: when someone is screaming and cursing at you, espirsty as
Speaker 1: a coach, it's not always degrading you. Because also as
Speaker 1: a mentor at Prototype for ten years, I noticed how
Speaker 1: boys who never got that at home, or was never
Speaker 1: coached on what it's like to be coached hard by someone,
Speaker 1: they folded because they didn't understand that, yeah, this coaches
Speaker 1: maybe screaming and cursing and hollering and stuff, but they're
Speaker 1: trying to give you the tools you need to succeed.
Speaker 1: And a lot of those young men and young women
Speaker 1: were just like, all the coaches don't like me, and
Speaker 1: it's like, will do they screaming curses everybody. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: they'd be screaming and coaching that in cursing at me different. No,
Speaker 1: it's not different. You just don't like it. So you
Speaker 1: pulled back and now you're no longer on the team
Speaker 1: and you lost on opportunity or the coach saw something
Speaker 1: in human absolute that dog out of you, pull the
Speaker 1: dog you want. And I noticed this with Jackson. When
Speaker 1: Jackson's in a happy, god lucky mood, he plays at
Speaker 1: a different level. When I come over to and I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: you keep playing around and we're going to funk home.
Speaker 1: Now drops Jackson wants to drop fifteen points and steals
Speaker 1: and blocked, and it's like, I'm I'm trying to bring
Speaker 1: the dog out of him because you got to compete.
Speaker 1: But I told him, I said, you know, I misdiagnosed
Speaker 1: what was happening that day. Ja Cole was there. He
Speaker 1: told me that you look lost because you don't know
Speaker 1: what's going on. You weren't just being lazy, and he
Speaker 1: was just like yeah, and I was just like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. You know, I've never been a dad before
Speaker 1: in his position. I got emotional. I got upset and
Speaker 1: it wasn't right. And I was expecting him to break
Speaker 1: down and cry like he doesn't, but you made me
Speaker 1: feel bad. But he this is literally what he said
Speaker 1: to me. He said with that, you know you're human
Speaker 1: just like I am, and when I make mistakes, you
Speaker 1: give you forgive me, right, And I was like yeah.
Speaker 1: He was like, well, I forgive you not the big deal.
Speaker 1: We're gonna grow together, right, We're gonna learn together, right.
Speaker 1: And now he's encouraging me as a parent. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying, like, and
Speaker 1: that made me feel like that like all is talking.
Speaker 1: We're doing about emotional emotional intelligence and awareness and being
Speaker 1: securing yourself. My son at ten is using this moment
Speaker 1: to encourage me, who made the mistake. And I was like, so,
Speaker 1: at least in making my mistake, I didn't damage my son.
Speaker 1: But I had to acknowledge that I spoke to Cas.
Speaker 1: Same thing with Kas and Kas is for so he
Speaker 1: wasn't as profound, but he gave me how He's like,
Speaker 1: it's okay, daddy, you know, like, and then Cairo was
Speaker 1: caught in the mix because one thing I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: do is just punish and not punish the rest. So
Speaker 1: I took Cairo's leather jacket and his change. I was
Speaker 1: like anything, though, but he did. He fell. He stuck
Speaker 1: by his brothers. They're gonna be is a United Front,
Speaker 1: the same way where United Front. They're not gonna switch
Speaker 1: at each other, like they have this like bond going on,
Speaker 1: which I'm all right with that. But I spoke to
Speaker 1: all of them individually. Kylo was like high school dad,
Speaker 1: but you know Kyle and his STOICSLF. It's fun, It's okay,
Speaker 1: But can I have my chain back now? And I'm like, sure, bro,
Speaker 1: you catta be a chain back. I want to wear
Speaker 1: my leather jacket to Jackson's game, right, and looked like
Speaker 1: Kanye West, that's all he wants. Kiro is, if I
Speaker 1: haven't seen that real on my Instagram, you have to
Speaker 1: be the way he walks into this game. But um,
Speaker 1: I think it was great just to watch the entire
Speaker 1: thing kind of transpire because um, for so long, I
Speaker 1: think we were conditioned to believe that parents were always
Speaker 1: right and do as I say, and we saw how
Speaker 1: that impacted us this children growing up and into adulthood.
Speaker 1: We're just like, damn, accountability is so huge for us
Speaker 1: and something that I think a lot of our generation
Speaker 1: felt like our parents lacked was accountability and a lot
Speaker 1: of times there was not having conversations with us, not
Speaker 1: having to explain themselves because they just felt like a
Speaker 1: child needed to be seen and not her M. A
Speaker 1: child should not have an opinion because why I know better,
Speaker 1: I'm the parents. You don't have an opinion, You don't
Speaker 1: right exactly all the time. So, um, where we try
Speaker 1: to kind of be different in that, you know, some
Speaker 1: people may think it's too liberal that you give your
Speaker 1: child their voice to be able to speak and say
Speaker 1: how they feel. Um, we think that it allows for
Speaker 1: a better connection because what we never want there to
Speaker 1: be is the lack of communication. Kids feeling like they
Speaker 1: can't speak to us because our parents just don't understand
Speaker 1: and they're being a disconnect between the generation because it
Speaker 1: always happens with parents and children. So I like that, Um,
Speaker 1: as I observed everything kind of unfolding that you had
Speaker 1: a sense of peace once you had the conversation with Jackson,
Speaker 1: because I feel like you couldn't even continue the trip
Speaker 1: without that hanging over your head. And then I appreciate
Speaker 1: the village of people we have around us that we
Speaker 1: can also lean on and speak to who are also parents,
Speaker 1: who are also coaches, who are also in different capacities,
Speaker 1: that can say, you know what the you were wrong
Speaker 1: and you know you gotta yeah, you gotta reach out
Speaker 1: and be like, yo, did I handle this correctly? And
Speaker 1: we're never above that either as parents, because there's this
Speaker 1: constant desire and this constant want for us to just
Speaker 1: learn and to be better and to understand our children,
Speaker 1: you know, um. And it's hard because we've been through
Speaker 1: life experiences. So it's like you can see the writing
Speaker 1: on the wall a lot of the times and you
Speaker 1: know what's required, um, And that's something you try to
Speaker 1: instill in your kids. But at the same time, it's
Speaker 1: just like, damn, some things they're gonna have to a
Speaker 1: figure out on their own and be I can't micro
Speaker 1: manage my child's life, you know you can't. And it's
Speaker 1: something else I want to bring up, especially about micromanaging,
Speaker 1: is social media and the role it plays on being
Speaker 1: a parent. Right. Um, I remember the Dad Gang. You know,
Speaker 1: I was honored last year at the Dad Gang banquet.
Speaker 1: Shout out to Sean and Jeff and all of those guys,
Speaker 1: like those really good dudes. But um, social media is
Speaker 1: all about trends, right, and a part of the trends.
Speaker 1: One of the trends that was growing quickly over the
Speaker 1: last couple of years, especially since I've been on social
Speaker 1: media is parenting how your parents and fatherhood right, black fatherhood,
Speaker 1: And a lot of the guys were saying, like, you know,
Speaker 1: the value like the god father of black fatherhood content
Speaker 1: because no one was doing it, and then I started
Speaker 1: doing it and then it started to become trendy and
Speaker 1: a lot of guys are doing it. First of all,
Speaker 1: kudos to you guys for for expressing what it's like
Speaker 1: to be a black father, because it needs to be
Speaker 1: more than one voice. So we need to see different
Speaker 1: types of dad's parenting in different ways with different children,
Speaker 1: so that representation is out there, right, So kudos to
Speaker 1: you guys. But also I appreciate and I feel honored
Speaker 1: that you guys called me the godfather or fatherhood content.
Speaker 1: But with that comes to responsibility, right. So our content
Speaker 1: is entertainment, and it's important for people to understand that
Speaker 1: when you watch the Ellisis on social media, it's entertainment.
Speaker 1: You get less than one per cent of me actually
Speaker 1: fathering on social media, you know what I'm saying. But
Speaker 1: I felt a responsibility to let the people who follow
Speaker 1: me know, like, Okay, this is what happened because a
Speaker 1: large part of the time it's me joking with my kids,
Speaker 1: me laughing and doing stuff with my kids. So people
Speaker 1: think that that's all that happens, right, So I had
Speaker 1: to at least tell this blackout moment. I didn't want
Speaker 1: to show it because I'm not I'm not big on
Speaker 1: disciplining my kids on social media. We didn't do that yet,
Speaker 1: and in that moment, we were both we were all
Speaker 1: just president in that president desire to pull out a camera.
Speaker 1: But but I want I wanted to express that my
Speaker 1: kids were being disciplined because I wanted people to know
Speaker 1: that I'm not going to sacrifice being recognized as the
Speaker 1: best father at a detriment to my kids by not
Speaker 1: being the best father, and sometimes being the best father
Speaker 1: in that moment is not going to be applauded by
Speaker 1: everyone on the outside see what I'm saying. And the
Speaker 1: thing is, that's fine, Like I'm fine with that. And
Speaker 1: I want a lot of men and women who are
Speaker 1: being moms out there to understand that you have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to be a parent, not just be a parent
Speaker 1: on social media, you know, and understanding that social media
Speaker 1: for the vast majority of people, the people who comment,
Speaker 1: the vast majority of people is the loud minority. Right,
Speaker 1: Most people, when they have a comment or something that's positive,
Speaker 1: they don't say much. People love to leave negative comments.
Speaker 1: So what happens is I watch a lot of people
Speaker 1: and I hear dads. Because we talked about this in
Speaker 1: the Dad Game. How do I deal with people who
Speaker 1: comment negatively on something that they've done as a dad
Speaker 1: and try to express and be transparent? And I was like, dude,
Speaker 1: you can't. You can't look at this comments like it's
Speaker 1: like you're parenting. You know what your child needed in
Speaker 1: that moment. And most of of videos we post lack
Speaker 1: the full context of what happened. So when you posted
Speaker 1: a clip of what happened, of course people are going
Speaker 1: to dissect and pick it apart because you posted it
Speaker 1: you have to deal with the fact that they dissected
Speaker 1: and picked it apart you posted it. But also remember
Speaker 1: that most of the people who are commenting on your
Speaker 1: stuff are naysayers. Like, let's just be clear what social
Speaker 1: media is. Social media is a place for people to
Speaker 1: complain invent about how bad their life is. Right the
Speaker 1: most most of the people who watch, who enjoy it
Speaker 1: and and having a good time doing it, don't really
Speaker 1: leave positive comments. You want to know why. They're too
Speaker 1: busy living their own life to be going back and
Speaker 1: forth with people. But they'll be supportive like we had,
Speaker 1: Like the vast majority of our community are supportive people,
Speaker 1: super similaritive people. Absolutely. But of the million one point
Speaker 1: eight million people that follow me, I don't get one
Speaker 1: point eight million comments every time I post something you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. You may get a couple of thousands,
Speaker 1: you know, a couple of tens of thousands, But even
Speaker 1: tens of thousands to one point eight million is less
Speaker 1: than one percent you know what I'm saying, And even
Speaker 1: the vast majority of those comments are positive, But some
Speaker 1: of the comments are negative, and we as parents tend
Speaker 1: to look at the negative comments and try to adjust
Speaker 1: our parenting style based on negative comments on social media.
Speaker 1: We cannot do that, and and and when. The reason
Speaker 1: why I chose renegade is because I want to be
Speaker 1: one of the first people to openly say that I
Speaker 1: will never be a detriment to my kids because of
Speaker 1: what someone said to me about my parenting style on
Speaker 1: social media. Never. I'm just lending. Like, you know, we
Speaker 1: are very selective about the people who we seek advice from. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, with our children. For example, we have some
Speaker 1: friends that we made out here, Jackson's friends parents who
Speaker 1: are a little bit older than us, but they've also
Speaker 1: raised three boys visual scholarship. Absolutely, so if we're ever
Speaker 1: in a you know, conundrum, we're just like, man, we
Speaker 1: need to get some advice or you know, what is
Speaker 1: it like to have this, or just having conversations because
Speaker 1: I feel like they need to be had. Um, that's
Speaker 1: somebody that we feel like we can lean on because
Speaker 1: they may have been in a circumstance that we have
Speaker 1: not yet touched or we're just about to embark on,
Speaker 1: or what's the way to kind of combat something that
Speaker 1: may potentially happen in the future when Jackson's thirteen, Because
Speaker 1: they've been there before, So instead of seeking advice from
Speaker 1: comments or people. UM, you know, it's about speaking to
Speaker 1: the right people who you feel like we'll be able
Speaker 1: to be objective that can kind of step back from
Speaker 1: the situation and say, all right, devour what you may
Speaker 1: not have done this the right way. Who's not gonna
Speaker 1: yes you to death either, but also just speak from
Speaker 1: their experience and then you take from that what you need. UM.
Speaker 1: Which I think that's one of the biggest blessings that
Speaker 1: we have is a lot of people that we can
Speaker 1: go to for that if we needed to. UM. And
Speaker 1: usually with social media, like you said, you get one
Speaker 1: portion of it. You don't understand anything that's happened that
Speaker 1: might have led up to that moment or you know,
Speaker 1: the history behind anything. The same thing that happened with
Speaker 1: our monogamy clip. You know, people saw the one little
Speaker 1: clip and had no idea context of things. UM. So
Speaker 1: that's that's easily a sparking, like a catalyst for people
Speaker 1: just kind of just stay away what they feel in
Speaker 1: that moment based off of that. UM. But yeah, we're
Speaker 1: still trying to figure out this parenting thing. When my
Speaker 1: mom told me back in the day that there's no
Speaker 1: book to being a parent, and there's no blueprint or
Speaker 1: guideline it there's nothing truer. And for us, it's also
Speaker 1: a matter of having to um. I think style step
Speaker 1: as parents around our children's ways of learning things, UM,
Speaker 1: how they receive information, how they received discipline, UM, the
Speaker 1: approaches that we have to take. You know, I know
Speaker 1: one time you had said that you feel like we
Speaker 1: didn't need to style step around the children. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: was that That was very early on before this is
Speaker 1: when Jackson was about seven and we just had cairoing
Speaker 1: cast and my plan was too create a system that
Speaker 1: could that could parent them the same way so no
Speaker 1: child felt left out, so there was no favoritism. Because
Speaker 1: I remember growing up in my house, my parents and
Speaker 1: style stepped a lot, and me, being the oldest, I
Speaker 1: felt like a lot of the accountability was put on
Speaker 1: me and my brother and my sister were allowed to
Speaker 1: get away with a lot more. And I still feel
Speaker 1: strongly about that to this day. And I always felt
Speaker 1: like I didn't want to raise my children in an
Speaker 1: environment where one felt like the other one was getting
Speaker 1: treated differently than the other, So I didn't want a
Speaker 1: style step. So maybe a style step is not the word,
Speaker 1: but it's the you with each child based on how
Speaker 1: they receive and for me, let me just finish this.
Speaker 1: You were right with the style stepping because I didn't
Speaker 1: realize because at that time, I didn't realize how different
Speaker 1: their personalities were going to be. Then once Cairo was
Speaker 1: five and kas is four, I realized I cannot do
Speaker 1: the same thing to Cairo that I do to Jackson.
Speaker 1: So stole stepping was the right word, and you were
Speaker 1: right in the moment. I didn't realize how right you
Speaker 1: were because I felt like this is the way I
Speaker 1: wanted to be with my kids, and it wasn't until
Speaker 1: seeing their personalities. For example, Jackson needs to be screamed
Speaker 1: at and challenged so that that fire goes out. Kyro
Speaker 1: is fiery all the time. I have to calm Kyra, now, yo, relax,
Speaker 1: control yourself like I can't. I literally cannot do the
Speaker 1: same thing to the two of them, because it would
Speaker 1: never be well if the way Kyro is, if I
Speaker 1: went in he was like, let's go around, he would
Speaker 1: be out of control, tearing people's heads off. He needs
Speaker 1: to learn control. Jackson is very controlled. He needs to
Speaker 1: learn how to be more assertive. So that's where you
Speaker 1: are absolutely right, Like I don't give damn Like he's
Speaker 1: just like I'm doing this. But um, there's one thing
Speaker 1: I do want to say that I also learned from
Speaker 1: being a parent. Um. We spend so much time trying
Speaker 1: to give our kids all the stuff that we didn't have,
Speaker 1: that we neglect to give them and teach them the
Speaker 1: lessons that we've learned right adversity. Um, James shout out
Speaker 1: to James Edmonds. He's one of the dads that helps
Speaker 1: us out with Jackson and his wife Shonda. Um. He
Speaker 1: sent me a text message after this whole ordeal with Jackson,
Speaker 1: and he sent this text. It was a parable right,
Speaker 1: and it says, my grandfather walked ten miles to work,
Speaker 1: my father worked five miles to work. I drive a Cadillac,
Speaker 1: my son will drive a Porsche, my grandson will walk
Speaker 1: ten miles to work. Right. And it was just like, well,
Speaker 1: why is that? And they said, tough times make strong men.
Speaker 1: Strong men make easy times. Easy times make weak men,
Speaker 1: and weak men make tough times. And I said to him,
Speaker 1: I said, you know that reminds me of was saying.
Speaker 1: I heard that. It says it's hard to find a
Speaker 1: great man, that's the son of a great man, because
Speaker 1: typically the adversity that you've gone through to make you great,
Speaker 1: you've erased all of that adversity for your son, and
Speaker 1: now they grow up just like, oh the world is easy.
Speaker 1: I've learned that. And this doesn't go just for for sons.
Speaker 1: I learned this with sons and your daughters, because the
Speaker 1: same thing can be said for my family. I think
Speaker 1: about my family and how my parents came up here
Speaker 1: at young seven years old on their own, trying to
Speaker 1: make a life from themselves, for themselves, you know, living
Speaker 1: with people who allow them to stay for periods at
Speaker 1: a time just so they can get themselves and make
Speaker 1: their make something of themselves. And then I think about
Speaker 1: the life that I lived with my parents, like you said,
Speaker 1: you know, middle class, but still had a lot of privilege,
Speaker 1: had the things that I needed and wanted because my
Speaker 1: parents worked so hard. And then now as a parent too,
Speaker 1: this is something we always battle with, is like, how
Speaker 1: do we try to create some adversity for the kids,
Speaker 1: because we don't want that to continue to be the
Speaker 1: cycle where they just have everything and they're not appreciative
Speaker 1: or they're not hard workers. So yeah, it's it's the
Speaker 1: one thing that I've learned is that you cannot eradicate
Speaker 1: all adversity from your child's life because that's not that's
Speaker 1: going to be to their detriment. And um, I am
Speaker 1: unapologetic about the way I am with my boys. I
Speaker 1: had posted on a video where I was using the
Speaker 1: skimmer for the pool and helping Jackson with basketball, and
Speaker 1: during the clip you were filming. I didn't realize you
Speaker 1: were filming, but we're doing a clip And at the clip,
Speaker 1: I was like, man, what then are you doing? Pay
Speaker 1: attention not that he's in Someone said in the YouTube clip, oh,
Speaker 1: he curses at the kids. Time for me to unfollow.
Speaker 1: And then there was a whole debate under that where
Speaker 1: people are just like, are you serious, Like this man
Speaker 1: shows love and affectuous kids all the time, but because
Speaker 1: he curses him or coaches him, hardly gonna unfollowed this
Speaker 1: is so then they started going back and forth. One
Speaker 1: thing I'm gonna say is that I am going to
Speaker 1: be super unapologetic about how hard I am all my boys.
Speaker 1: And if I had a daughter, I would be the
Speaker 1: same way. Because I watched that video of that young
Speaker 1: black man and that that mall and him being arrested
Speaker 1: by the police officers while all his other white counterparts
Speaker 1: got to sit there and watch. And the first thing
Speaker 1: I said to myself was if if that was my son,
Speaker 1: I would have hoped that I could have put my
Speaker 1: son in a better situation to handle that. For example,
Speaker 1: to realize, like, wait a minute, they're fifteen white kids here,
Speaker 1: I'm the only black kid. People are raising their voices.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna probably be the only one to get in
Speaker 1: trouble some control. And it's not just for boys. It's this.
Speaker 1: I've watched it. I've watched it. I can see with
Speaker 1: young black girls someone is disrespecting them, they choose to
Speaker 1: raise their voice or raised up because they're tired of
Speaker 1: being disrespected. I've seen it at schools, teachers come involved,
Speaker 1: tempers flail, and the first thing to do was grabbed
Speaker 1: a little black girl. While these adult white people are
Speaker 1: You're the aggressors, Like, how is this? How is is
Speaker 1: this allowed to happen? And what I never want is
Speaker 1: any ellis to go out in the world not feeling
Speaker 1: equipped to deal with the hardships that come in the world.
Speaker 1: One one thing I guarantee you, my children or anyone
Speaker 1: who's around me, because when I mentor young men and
Speaker 1: women for the ten years in Brooklyn, I always prepared
Speaker 1: them absolutely. I prepared prepared them to deal with people
Speaker 1: screaming and cursing and swinging and hitting, so that they
Speaker 1: can find a place of peace and center, so that
Speaker 1: they how to maneuver in this situation and not be emotional.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Especially my kids like me
Speaker 1: and Jack said this whole thing I was. We were
Speaker 1: going hard at each other and in practice was going
Speaker 1: I was, let's go, let's go, let's go. No, no,
Speaker 1: don't be a bitch, don't be a bit, just going
Speaker 1: back and forth. Right at the end, he was smiling right,
Speaker 1: and he was just like I said, What's what's up? Like?
Speaker 1: He was just like, yo. I mean when we first
Speaker 1: started and used like screaming, me and I useduld just
Speaker 1: get so scared. But now it's like I feel good,
Speaker 1: Like I feel good, I know, And I was just like,
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. So when you go out
Speaker 1: in the world and you get coached hard by someone,
Speaker 1: you won't back down from hearing those words because it's
Speaker 1: not me trying to belittle you. It's me trying to
Speaker 1: empower you. And some of these people only know how
Speaker 1: to coach one way. They only know how to tell
Speaker 1: you have a teacher. The teacher may be a dick.
Speaker 1: They may be hard on you because the only way
Speaker 1: they know how to get the best out of you.
Speaker 1: And I said, what are you listening to when I'm
Speaker 1: screaming and curse? And he's like, I'm just listening to
Speaker 1: the details of what you said I need to work on.
Speaker 1: And I said, you're getting it, You're getting it. I said,
Speaker 1: do you even hear anything? Says no, I don't. I've
Speaker 1: learned to tune you out. So I said, so you
Speaker 1: be tuning me out at the basketball games? He says absolutely.
Speaker 1: Said that's like you got your mama's jeans, But you do.
Speaker 1: You be tuning to me out too. It goes both ways.
Speaker 1: But I felt so good though, because you see at
Speaker 1: the games, I'll be screaming and he just begged me,
Speaker 1: which he should be at this point. He should be
Speaker 1: ignoring me at the games and listen to who you
Speaker 1: listening to us and listen to my coach. But but
Speaker 1: that he's able to compartmentalize now, so he's not easily distracted.
Speaker 1: And I feel so good as a dad because I
Speaker 1: feel like I've given him the tools to learn how
Speaker 1: to just drown out the noise, don't worry about all
Speaker 1: the stuff that may emotionally affect me. Let me focus
Speaker 1: on the detail of what I need to do to
Speaker 1: get better and focusing on that. And that's something he
Speaker 1: could take through so many different phases of life, not
Speaker 1: just basketball. And he wasn't able to do that years
Speaker 1: ago when we beforet started. The minute I used to
Speaker 1: call him over, he'd be on the brink of crying,
Speaker 1: not be like, what's the matter, I'm afraid I'm gonna trouble.
Speaker 1: But now he's just like, so what I gotta do?
Speaker 1: And we teach him to also be confident in knowing
Speaker 1: that you were right and you didn't do anything wrong,
Speaker 1: like not always feeling like you did something wrong too,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's why we have those
Speaker 1: moments where we just call him over and just give
Speaker 1: him hugs and give him like that's the thing in
Speaker 1: the house, you know what I mean. And I'll how
Speaker 1: you I love you today. You know that's great? That
Speaker 1: with me too, and I actually really like it. I'll
Speaker 1: do that I'm trying to cop a field. Mike, come in,
Speaker 1: I'll tell y'all love you today. But insert the butt
Speaker 1: squeeze the booty booty. Look, that's what the kids get
Speaker 1: me too. At that's dope. Though. I'm glad you were
Speaker 1: able to tell everybody about your little daddy tantrum. You
Speaker 1: had a little dad tangent to make sure. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: to interview the vow about his daddy's tangent so he
Speaker 1: can explain the context, you know what I mean. All
Speaker 1: r y'all, We're gonna say a quick break and get
Speaker 1: into some listen letters after we talk about these ads
Speaker 1: right here. Alright, we're back with listener letters. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go first today since I got interviewed and cold to
Speaker 1: the carpet. Hey, sometimes you gotta do that as part
Speaker 1: of account of goal. All right, here we go. My
Speaker 1: husband and I recently celebrated our first anniversity anniversary. It
Speaker 1: wasn't known too many because our actual wedding was canceled
Speaker 1: because of COVID, and so we decided to just go
Speaker 1: to the city clerk and get married. Congratulations, guys. The
Speaker 1: funny thing is we told everyone his parents, my aunt
Speaker 1: and uncle, since I don't have parents, etcetera. About three
Speaker 1: weeks after when it really sunk in. So on our anniversary,
Speaker 1: I told his mom my mother in law, today is
Speaker 1: our anniversary. Her response was weird and shady. Oh really
Speaker 1: I didn't place that, okay, wow, and then she casually said, well,
Speaker 1: happy anniversary. She didn't call a text him to say
Speaker 1: anything and feels troubled by it. So truth is, him
Speaker 1: and his mother haven't been haven't had the best relationships
Speaker 1: since I came in the picture. Oh, I already know
Speaker 1: where it is going. Then you It took up baby
Speaker 1: and got burried, and she wasn't involved. She felt like
Speaker 1: he puts me above everything and everyone, and her family
Speaker 1: once mentioned to me that she is jealous. I feel
Speaker 1: bad about it. Oh So I tried my best to
Speaker 1: keep a good enough relationship with her, but down, deep
Speaker 1: down inside, it's not genuine, and I somehow feel fake
Speaker 1: just because I know how she feels about me. She
Speaker 1: is also still in constant communication with all of his exes,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how to feel about it. I
Speaker 1: have better relationships with her sister and niece, but I
Speaker 1: crave to have a genuine relationship with her, especially since
Speaker 1: I don't have a mother figure in my life. My
Speaker 1: mom passed a few years ago. That was a lot
Speaker 1: l ol. How do I go about fostering a genuine relationship?
Speaker 1: And well, you can start by not taking her son
Speaker 1: and get married without telling her, but okay, and helping
Speaker 1: my husband to rebuild the bond with his mom. So
Speaker 1: I'm wondering, why doesn't the husband have a bond with
Speaker 1: his mom enough that he can tell her that is
Speaker 1: it that he's not strong enough to stand up to
Speaker 1: his mom and say, hey, this is who I love
Speaker 1: and this is what it is. No, that's not or
Speaker 1: is mom and son just about to tell you right
Speaker 1: now mama's boy and her son tell you right now?
Speaker 1: He's he might have a little bit of mama's boy
Speaker 1: in him, but she might be a little overbearing as well.
Speaker 1: And yet no, no, no, his mother her the girl,
Speaker 1: the girl or wife? Now, because here's here's it is
Speaker 1: a question, serious question. We decide we're going to elope
Speaker 1: and get married. Are you not going to tell my parents?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. What type of person goes and elopes and
Speaker 1: doesn't tell the person's parents someone who wants to control everything. Right,
Speaker 1: let's be honest. Let's let's be honest. Why didn't you
Speaker 1: to call mom and be like, yeah, I think you
Speaker 1: should tell your mom. That's that's just funked up, Like
Speaker 1: there's no way around it. Like, if we're gonna be
Speaker 1: honest with people, let's be honest with people. Right when
Speaker 1: you went and married that man without saying, hey, you
Speaker 1: know we want to get married, and you know we
Speaker 1: at least want to tell you if you can make
Speaker 1: it or blah blah blah or something. But after the fact,
Speaker 1: hey we got married. That's me. Stop. If I would
Speaker 1: have did that to your parents, your parents would have
Speaker 1: been pissed. Yeah, I think it's a parent that you
Speaker 1: missed your child's life. This is the very basic level, right,
Speaker 1: like the on the most basic level, this is my child.
Speaker 1: You took my child had a moment and did not
Speaker 1: include me, and you can't see here and be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I forgot. That's how I felt when you cut all
Speaker 1: the Jackson's here off. Finally you can relate to a
Speaker 1: story that's very different when you know it's not that's
Speaker 1: the only Jackson's here off, y'all. When he was just
Speaker 1: a little bit over a year and I lost it,
Speaker 1: so I'm going to explain that why it's different. Listen,
Speaker 1: we don't have to tell a little story. But this
Speaker 1: was a cultural difference in my culture. In the Southern
Speaker 1: Baptist culture, it is a man's responsibility to take care
Speaker 1: of his son's here and first haircut. It's okay sometimes
Speaker 1: you surprise the mom with a haircut. I took my
Speaker 1: son to get a haircut. In your West Indian Jamaican
Speaker 1: vincent and culture, you guys would like to control everything.
Speaker 1: So you guys want to be able to tell me
Speaker 1: when I can get my son's haircut. That's not gonna rock.
Speaker 1: So you're saying Jamaica's and vincensions are controlling people. That
Speaker 1: was not the case. I just wanted to be a
Speaker 1: part of it. I just want to experience it with you.
Speaker 1: First of all, I said culture in your culture because
Speaker 1: you said to me, you said to me in our culture.
Speaker 1: This is what you said to me. It is not
Speaker 1: common for a dad to just take a son to
Speaker 1: the barber to get their haircut. That's not what That's
Speaker 1: not what it is. I said. Typically with my culture,
Speaker 1: they wait till babies start talking. You have to start
Speaker 1: saying words first before they cut their here. That's that's
Speaker 1: that I don't necessarily subscribe to that. I was just
Speaker 1: more hurt in that moment because I wanted to just
Speaker 1: be there to experience it with you. That was all
Speaker 1: like I missed the moment, the same way this mom
Speaker 1: might have felt like she missed the moment. I'm going
Speaker 1: to explain how it's different, right, cutting someone's here to
Speaker 1: surprise the mom, it's more like surprised I cut our
Speaker 1: son's here, not surprised we got married. That's a big different, yes,
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying in terms of feeling hurt that
Speaker 1: you were left out in a moment, that's the correlation
Speaker 1: I'm trying to make here. It was a moment in
Speaker 1: their child's life that they feel like they were longing.
Speaker 1: But it's still apples and oranges. His hair gonna grow back,
Speaker 1: their marriage is not gonna grow back. The story I
Speaker 1: was just trying to make a correlation about being like correlation.
Speaker 1: There was no coral. There was no coral control the correlation.
Speaker 1: But ahead, So yeah, uh huh. That's what I'm saying
Speaker 1: is I think that to me was something that's I'm
Speaker 1: want to say it was preparable. But you have to
Speaker 1: acknowledge that that's that's wrong, right, and it's like, you
Speaker 1: can't you can't help the husband have a relationship with
Speaker 1: his mama rebuild that. That's something that's gonna have to
Speaker 1: happen with him and her um And in terms of
Speaker 1: you fostering a genuine relationship with her, they may have
Speaker 1: to repair that too. Before she even wants to talk
Speaker 1: to you, sis, because as far as she's concerned, you
Speaker 1: didn't take her baby. She said, it's not about them
Speaker 1: having a bad relationship. They haven't had the best relationships
Speaker 1: since she came in the picture, so clearly, clearly she's
Speaker 1: part of the problem. Now, whether whether she is the
Speaker 1: problem remains to be seen. That can only happen because
Speaker 1: of discussions, but she could be part of the problem.
Speaker 1: For example, Mom might have realized that her son is
Speaker 1: finally taking someone serious. So if Mom is really finally
Speaker 1: realized someone said now she's starting to get like still
Speaker 1: before because she knew that she could, that could be it.
Speaker 1: Or she could realize that I can control those situations
Speaker 1: because my husband my son don't take those women seriously,
Speaker 1: so it's easier to have those relationships because you know,
Speaker 1: like he don't really whatever. But when that one, when
Speaker 1: that one comes around, when that one comes around, and
Speaker 1: now with Thanksgiving, and it's just like, where's the valid
Speaker 1: Deval was totally here at seven o'clock and then the
Speaker 1: value cone shows in at nine o'clock. Ago I was
Speaker 1: Wickedine's family. Then it's like, oh, you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So all of that happens first, then y'all get married
Speaker 1: and don't tell his mom. I know they need to
Speaker 1: go to therapy. Well, y'all together, especially if you want
Speaker 1: the marriage to thrive and last whatnot, Because as much
Speaker 1: as you want to say, oh, it's just me and
Speaker 1: him and we don't really need nobody and his family
Speaker 1: and his family, no, that's still gonna drive away and
Speaker 1: it's still going to be that elephant in the room
Speaker 1: every single time. And those conversations are worth happening, Like
Speaker 1: if you if you really want to build a family unit, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: And I, as a mom to four boys, would hope
Speaker 1: that I have a good relationship with my future daughter
Speaker 1: and daughters in law. I hope so too, because I
Speaker 1: don't want to be having to have those conversations. Dude,
Speaker 1: talk to mom, talk to mom, because Mom, I would
Speaker 1: I would love that actually to have great relationships. I've
Speaker 1: said before, I'm betting daughters in law, anybody from good stock,
Speaker 1: if you anything like your mother, that's gonna be gonna
Speaker 1: be difficult. Because your mother was for me to try
Speaker 1: to give you. I know, but you used to the
Speaker 1: test of time. And because I'm gonna renegade. That's why
Speaker 1: I've never been afraid to say what's on. My mom
Speaker 1: had hustle back to the walls, next news letter and
Speaker 1: the Valkadin. I wanted just to say I have so
Speaker 1: much love for you both in your families. I pray
Speaker 1: you that God continues to bless you all your baby's siblings, parents, cousins, friends,
Speaker 1: et cetera, and ways beyond your wildest dreams, and he
Speaker 1: keep you all. Oh this is a prayer girl coaturized about.
Speaker 1: May He keep you all safe, healthy, and prosperous for
Speaker 1: decades and decades to come. Thank you for that I
Speaker 1: received and send that right back to you. My question
Speaker 1: is how can I convince my man that he that
Speaker 1: me wanting to protect myself. Isn't me being confident in
Speaker 1: his ability to protect me? Okay, I'm twenty five years
Speaker 1: old and I've been with him since we were both
Speaker 1: twenty one. I got my concealed carry license and the
Speaker 1: first fire on when I was twenty three at the
Speaker 1: encouragement of my parents, who both have theirs. He's from
Speaker 1: a small town in Georgia and I'm from the South
Speaker 1: side of Chicago. He believes that the man is the protector,
Speaker 1: and while I agree, my parents ain't raised no fool,
Speaker 1: I understand this. I'd rather have it and not need
Speaker 1: it than need it and have it. How do I
Speaker 1: convince him that me having a firearm and a CCL
Speaker 1: does not mean that I don't trust his ability to
Speaker 1: protect me. We're not together and people are not so
Speaker 1: I agree. I pray I never have to use my firearm,
Speaker 1: But my decision to get it had nothing to do
Speaker 1: with him. It was for me. I'm also surprised that
Speaker 1: he's just now bringing up the issue because I've had
Speaker 1: it for two years and he didn't say anything in
Speaker 1: the process of me getting it. I don't think he
Speaker 1: took it seriously at first, because I did the concealed
Speaker 1: carry course. But y um, but I waited nearly two
Speaker 1: months or three start three months before I brought my
Speaker 1: brought my first firearm. It's not a personal attack against
Speaker 1: him or his manliness. Is just that I'm from the
Speaker 1: South side of Chicago, Roselands, the wild Hundreds, the hood hood,
Speaker 1: and the streets don't follow clothes anymore. So I'd rather
Speaker 1: have the option to protect myself even when he's not around.
Speaker 1: Any thoughts on how I can be considerate of his
Speaker 1: feelings without compromising what I feel is best for my
Speaker 1: own safety. Thank you in advance if you have the
Speaker 1: time to read and or respond to this email. God
Speaker 1: bless y'all. So Devel is a gun owner, I would
Speaker 1: have been a gun owner a long time ago I
Speaker 1: had my wife been on along with the gun ownership um.
Speaker 1: When I was in the NFL, I bought a gun
Speaker 1: because I wanted to be able to protect my home.
Speaker 1: At the time. I used to go to away games.
Speaker 1: My wife used to be home. I said, Yo, I
Speaker 1: got a gun. I'm gonna teach you how to use it.
Speaker 1: She was just like, I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: use a gun. So I got rid of the gun
Speaker 1: because she was there by herself, and I got a
Speaker 1: dog instead. Okay, by guys dog. But now we have
Speaker 1: kids and we have a huge home and mama bear
Speaker 1: here is on a very different page right times. So
Speaker 1: she's like, when are you taking me to the shooting range?
Speaker 1: I want to learn how to do this. She wants
Speaker 1: to get her concealed carrying. She cc L d d L.
Speaker 1: I'm good on that, but you definitely get um but not.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's important for black people, particularly to
Speaker 1: understand the importance of carrying a firearm, like it is
Speaker 1: our legal rights Second Amendment right to be able to
Speaker 1: carry weapons legally right, And for centuries, the government and
Speaker 1: the systems that are in place have been used to
Speaker 1: stop us from carrying firearms to defend ourselves, right, So
Speaker 1: we can't defend ourselves in our community. They weaponize the police,
Speaker 1: they bring them in our communities. And you see people
Speaker 1: black people dying at a higher rate in white people
Speaker 1: because of gun because of gun issues pretty much, you know,
Speaker 1: like it's the violence is a big thing. So I
Speaker 1: understand I said all that because I understand why people
Speaker 1: are afraid of guns. But with all of I said,
Speaker 1: and all of the violence and gang violence and as
Speaker 1: almost the story but speak but but also I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna say gang violence without saying, uh, school shootings because
Speaker 1: they always put us with gang violence, but we know
Speaker 1: white kids be shooting their classmates, and it's fair to
Speaker 1: say that because when they talk about game finds, they
Speaker 1: always say black on black violence, like why don't white
Speaker 1: violence don't exist? And all of that is a form
Speaker 1: of gun violence. But what we're talking about is protecting yourself,
Speaker 1: especially if you have a property right. If I'm her,
Speaker 1: I tell my husband or my boyfriend, if you're not
Speaker 1: here and someone comes in this house to do harm
Speaker 1: to us or our children or to me, wouldn't you
Speaker 1: feel better if I had something to protect myself to fact,
Speaker 1: because you can't do much to FaceTime, bro, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like if Cadine face tilling me talking
Speaker 1: about something about somebody in the house, my first thing is,
Speaker 1: why didn't you shoot them? Like seriously, like once once
Speaker 1: you get to this point where you have to protect
Speaker 1: yourself and your kids be here, especially Cleo into from
Speaker 1: freaking set it all a fact. I'm that serious, Like
Speaker 1: we have a right to protect ourselves, especially if you
Speaker 1: think about this country in the world. Right, it's Black
Speaker 1: History months, right. I don't know if people ever heard
Speaker 1: about the it's not called the floating cities. It's the
Speaker 1: drowned cities in America. There. I think there are over
Speaker 1: over twenty cities that were all black owned businesses. Central
Speaker 1: Park out here in Georgia as well too. There's the lakes,
Speaker 1: so there are there are lakes in the country. They
Speaker 1: are man made lakes, and underneath these lakes are cities
Speaker 1: that were once black owned businesses and property that mobs
Speaker 1: came in because black people started doing well and pretty
Speaker 1: much burned down the houses, raped the women, killed the children,
Speaker 1: killed the men, and then they drowned. They pretty much
Speaker 1: flooded the cities and now their lakes. That that this
Speaker 1: culture White America celebrates, right. I feel like during those
Speaker 1: times it was easier to do things like that to
Speaker 1: those communities because those communities were not armed the way
Speaker 1: they were supposed to be armed when mobs came in. Right,
Speaker 1: If every household had a gun on multiple guns, and
Speaker 1: everybody mom and dad knew how to use those weapons,
Speaker 1: it wouldn't have been too many drown cities. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. But part of it is keeping us docile, right.
Speaker 1: I don't want to keep my wife docile. If I'm her,
Speaker 1: I'm telling you and I pray that, like she said,
Speaker 1: I never have to use it. But me knowing that
Speaker 1: my wife can handle herself when I'm not around, or
Speaker 1: and hand do something if my kids get into something,
Speaker 1: makes me feel so much more confident as a man.
Speaker 1: You know see what I'm saying. I work, I traveled
Speaker 1: a lot. I would feel comfortable knowing that my wife
Speaker 1: has still carry she knows how to use multiple firearms.
Speaker 1: And on top of that, I'm teaching my sons from
Speaker 1: young I. I learned how to shoot guns when I
Speaker 1: was young, being down south. I think we as a
Speaker 1: people need to understand that learning how to use a
Speaker 1: firearm is part of the culture we live in inn
Speaker 1: and then also to the education around it. So we
Speaker 1: just walk around here willy nearly with not knowing how
Speaker 1: to assess situations properly, how to have discretion with it
Speaker 1: either because and you know the problem to you know
Speaker 1: what I realized too, In places where you have concealed carries,
Speaker 1: right when you know other people may have guns, people
Speaker 1: a little bit more polite because when you know that
Speaker 1: that person over there maybe carrying to you ain't gonna
Speaker 1: be as flipped with your mouth. You understand what I'm
Speaker 1: saying things and very horribly if they decided that they
Speaker 1: wanted to write, and and being in New York, for example,
Speaker 1: where there's no concealed carry and people go into clubs
Speaker 1: and you have to get padded down and you're not
Speaker 1: holding anything. When you're going to the clubs, you watch
Speaker 1: people get drunk and talk crazy and things get out
Speaker 1: of control as supposed to being in the place where
Speaker 1: the firearms allowed. Why are people a little bit more
Speaker 1: calm in those places? You want to know why, because
Speaker 1: nobody really wants to die. Nobody wants to get popped
Speaker 1: off on. You know what I'm saying. If I'm her,
Speaker 1: I'm saying, explain to him the reasons why you need it,
Speaker 1: and he needs to understand why it's important for his
Speaker 1: woman to know how to at all at all. And
Speaker 1: women still deal with attack sexual abuse, and I think
Speaker 1: it was another one, and I think the rate is
Speaker 1: five to one when it comes to men. Women are
Speaker 1: still victims of abuse at a higher rate than men
Speaker 1: in this country. A woman that knows how to protect herself,
Speaker 1: to me, is okay, because on top of that, gun
Speaker 1: k gonna learn how to throw hands. Ever since we've
Speaker 1: been in college, I've been teaching k all of this
Speaker 1: stuff that I learned doing martial arts. I did martial
Speaker 1: arts for seven years, a black belt in taekwondo and
Speaker 1: jiu jitsu. I told her about when people grab her
Speaker 1: if some I told all this stuff disabling for I
Speaker 1: want her to know these things. So hopefully he listens
Speaker 1: and yes, absolutely like she said, hopefully she won't ever
Speaker 1: have to use it. All. Right, y'all, if you want
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, be
Speaker 1: sure to email us at Gmail. Sorry, not at gmail
Speaker 1: at gmail, but dead ask Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d E A d A S S A d
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Moment of
Speaker 1: truth time, going back to I feel like we spoke
Speaker 1: about so much, but going back to your your daddy
Speaker 1: moment that you had, moment of truth. My moment of
Speaker 1: truth is very simple. I'm unapologetic about how hard I
Speaker 1: am on my boys because we existed in society that
Speaker 1: doesn't view black boys the same as everyone else. So
Speaker 1: I cannot listen to the world when they say this
Speaker 1: is how you should range your children. You're not even
Speaker 1: coming from a perspective of dealing with things that me,
Speaker 1: as a black father, have to deal with with my
Speaker 1: black sons. So I'm going to parent my boys the
Speaker 1: way I know how best and I'm unapologetic about it.
Speaker 1: That's a fact because you two have been a black
Speaker 1: boy once and yes, black man, so you understand what
Speaker 1: it takes. And I that being said, I have never
Speaker 1: been in that position. Um, But I do know as
Speaker 1: a black woman raising four black boys, that I agree
Speaker 1: with you on that. Um. But my moment of truth
Speaker 1: is um knowing as parents went to I went to
Speaker 1: know how to address your children when you need to
Speaker 1: apologize for something that may not have been right in
Speaker 1: that moment, and not just always falling on the idea
Speaker 1: that I'm the parent, I know better, I know best,
Speaker 1: where you know that potentially you were not correct in
Speaker 1: that situation and being okay with apologizing to your children
Speaker 1: and acknowledging your wrongs in that moment and letting them
Speaker 1: know that there's a space space for the apology to
Speaker 1: take place and for understanding to be had, because I
Speaker 1: think that's equally as important as the way we're raising them. Yes,
Speaker 1: and before we get off, I want to get it correct.
Speaker 1: The name of it is called drowned towns. So go
Speaker 1: google drowned towns and see exactly what I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: and you'll understand why we as black people need to
Speaker 1: have firearm to defend ourselves in our own homes. There
Speaker 1: we go, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media if you have not already that asked
Speaker 1: the podcast, and you can find me at Cadeen I
Speaker 1: Am and I Am Devout. And if you're listening on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, be sure to wait, review, and subscribe. Season
Speaker 1: seven Y'alls. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noora Opinion
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead
Speaker 1: as to Podcasts and never miss a thing