1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:06,800 Speaker 1: I'm not your typical parents. That's that's it. That's clear 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:11,360 Speaker 1: to see. Absolutely, And I want to say typically ain't 3 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:17,400 Speaker 1: always better dead ass, So we're doing it always. Hey, 4 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us 5 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each 6 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make 7 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,440 Speaker 1: you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and one more 8 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:38,960 Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most 10 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,560 Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about 11 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as 12 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when 13 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, 14 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about 15 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 1: to take Phillows off to a whole new level. Dead 16 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 1: Ads starts right now, So I'm gonna take us back. 17 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,119 Speaker 1: Let me get my tissues ready, because this story kind, 18 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: this shouldn't make you sad. This story time takes me 19 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 1: back to two weeks ago, no, three weeks ago actually, 20 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,119 Speaker 1: or when this air is going to be probably weeks 21 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: weeks ago, but um, I went to social media to 22 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: explain why the kids wouldn't be on social media for 23 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: a little bit of time. I was giving him a break, 24 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,399 Speaker 1: and let me give you all the full context of 25 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,760 Speaker 1: everything that happened that Sunday. We went to one of 26 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: Jackson's basketball games and he wasn't trying. He just was not. 27 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: He just wasn't. He wasn't there. He just We had 28 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,600 Speaker 1: put a lot of hours into going to the gym 29 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,040 Speaker 1: because he said he wanted to play basketball, and we've 30 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 1: been in the gym every single day, taking a hundred 31 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: and fifty shots, making a hundred and fifty shots, hired 32 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: a trainer, Um, got gym time, rented court time, like 33 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 1: I've done all of that to be supportive. And he 34 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,480 Speaker 1: went in there and this I think it was his 35 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,280 Speaker 1: seventh game at this point, and he just seemed like 36 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: he wasn't interested. So get in the car and UM, 37 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 1: I just let him have it, Like I was just 38 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 1: telling him, I disappointed. I was. Yeah, I cursed. It was. 39 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,440 Speaker 1: It was. It was bad. It was it was a lot. 40 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 1: It was bad. Your father was in the car. Your 41 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 1: followed telling Jackson to like, yeah, and I don't know 42 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,359 Speaker 1: what today was like. Collectively, as the adults. We was 43 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,880 Speaker 1: pretty much letting Jackson know how bad it was. Then 44 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: we get home and Cairo and Kas are playing as usual. 45 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,080 Speaker 1: Da code is here. I'm downstairs with one of my 46 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: homeboys who came to watch Jackson play, and Cadine says, Deval, 47 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: can you come upstairs right now? Please? And she had 48 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:41,679 Speaker 1: that motherly tone, So I'm like, what's up, Like, what's 49 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,120 Speaker 1: the matter. She's just like, can you please talk to 50 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:51,079 Speaker 1: Kaz about saying booty? And I'm like, then we had 51 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:55,079 Speaker 1: this conversation already, and and you were just like you 52 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: was just like yeah, every time if someone farts, if 53 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: someone says booty or but and then they just bust 54 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,320 Speaker 1: out last and he just keeps saying booty and I'm 55 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 1: tired of it. So I try to do my best. 56 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,960 Speaker 1: I get down on the knee, I meet him at 57 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 1: his level. I speak to him. I have a high 58 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,960 Speaker 1: voice because I don't want him to be intimidated. And 59 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 1: I'm just like, Cass, didn't we talk about, you know, 60 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 1: not saying booty anymore? And he just puts his chin 61 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: up like he's looking through his nose at me, and 62 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,120 Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm like, buddy, didn't we have this discussion already? 63 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 1: And he's just looking at me, So I'm like, I'm like, 64 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: what's the matter. And then Cairo comes and he's just like, 65 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 1: I don't know. He just keeps saying sus stuff and 66 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, excuse me. He's like, yeah, he's just doing 67 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 1: sus stuff and I'm like what, Like, what did he doing? 68 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: Just keep shaking his booty and he's just like he 69 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 1: keeps coming behind me and just like putting his pp 70 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 1: on me. So I'm like, I'm like, Cash, what are 71 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: you watching? So then Cairo says he watches this thing called, 72 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: um what was it? The gummy but I'm a gummy 73 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 1: beer and the gummy bear dances and shapes. But so 74 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,040 Speaker 1: Cash thinks it's funny and he keeps shaking his butt. 75 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: So I instantly get right and I say, cats, didn't 76 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: we talk about not doing what you see on YouTube? Right? 77 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: And he just looks at me through his nose again. 78 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 1: So I lost it and I said, okay, this is 79 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: how you want to do things. You want to play 80 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: this game. So I go grab his iPad, get his iPad. 81 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: I walk him out to the balcony and I said, 82 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: you see this iPad, and I throw the iPad over 83 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,720 Speaker 1: the balcony. The whole time I'm doing this, he's still 84 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,360 Speaker 1: standing or staring at me through his nose. And it 85 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: wasn't until he heard gru and that iPad hit the 86 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:39,479 Speaker 1: pool where he finally broke down and said, So now 87 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 1: I'm screaming, I'm hollering. I'm like, give me every piece 88 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: of jewelry, get me every jersey, all these sneakers. Put 89 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: it all at the bottom of the stairs. Your kids 90 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:52,039 Speaker 1: are entitled. You don't listen. And I lost it. And 91 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:55,920 Speaker 1: Codeine comes to me afterwards, because in that moment, Codeine 92 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 1: was fully supportive. She's holding the CODA and she's walking 93 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,720 Speaker 1: around you. Hear what your father say? What your father said. 94 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: Then later on that night, she goes, did you really 95 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 1: have to throw his iPad in the pool? And I 96 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,279 Speaker 1: was like, I was trying to make a point. I 97 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,560 Speaker 1: was speaking to him the way I've been reading and 98 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: trying to learn and evolved as a parent of how 99 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,120 Speaker 1: I should speak to my tyler to not make them 100 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,279 Speaker 1: feel intimidated. And the motherfucker wasn't listening. But he started 101 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,280 Speaker 1: listening when I threw that iPad in the pool. Didn't 102 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: he and she's like, I guess, so. So this is 103 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 1: how I slept that night knowing that I had won. 104 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: But then I woke up feeling awful because I felt 105 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 1: like I had gone too far. Then it took me 106 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:45,839 Speaker 1: a couple of days to reflect. And after we get 107 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 1: done with after we get yeah, after we get done 108 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:54,359 Speaker 1: with karaoke, I'll tell you guys about the reflection. Because 109 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 1: I'm a renegade. Never been afraid to holler about anything, anything, 110 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,479 Speaker 1: anything is. I'm a renegade. Never been afraid to save 111 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 1: what's on my mind that any giving time a day 112 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:09,360 Speaker 1: because I'm a renegade, never been afraid to holler about anything, 113 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,640 Speaker 1: anything anything. I had to hustle my back to the wall, 114 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 1: actually knuckles pockets filled with a lot of lyn not 115 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: a cent got event, lot of innocent lives lost on 116 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: the project, bench, had to pay rent, bring dollars in. 117 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 1: That's what I've been through for these kids. That's what 118 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: I've been through. Think about, think about when we first 119 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 1: had Jackson, how broke we were and how hard we worked. 120 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,839 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, man, I love karaoke, but you know 121 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:43,040 Speaker 1: what I love more in karaoke money. So let's take 122 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 1: a break, so we can pay some ads and we'll 123 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:50,359 Speaker 1: be right back. Think about when we first had Jackson, 124 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: how broke we were and how hard we worked. Oh when, 125 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: my when that feeling like my kids were becoming entitled 126 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: made me feel like I was failing as a father 127 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: and a husband, especially since I have four black boys. 128 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 1: That's why I in that moment. Of course, we are 129 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: going to be the United Front as parents all the time, 130 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: and we try to be um. But in that moment, 131 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,960 Speaker 1: I was like, I let you rock because I felt like, 132 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: you know, you had had enough and we both, I 133 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 1: think collectively as a unit, had had enough of certain things. 134 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: Household right. Um, of course we do the best that 135 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: we can. We have the three boys now four. Um, 136 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,440 Speaker 1: we have my parents here also living simultaneously. So we 137 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: had had the discussion recently. De Val and I were saying, 138 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,520 Speaker 1: you know, are we doing our kids almost a disservice 139 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: having their grandparents here full time? Because you know how 140 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: it is when you go to grandma and Grandpa's house, 141 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: you get spoiled, you get what you want, you know, 142 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: you have a good time, but then you come back 143 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 1: home to mom and dad, whereas having them in the 144 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: house with us full time twice before seven. There becomes 145 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: this a little bit of a battle because it's like 146 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,320 Speaker 1: grandma and Grandpa want to be Grandma and Grandpa said, 147 00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: and they want to spoil and they want to give, 148 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: and I want to do, but that can't happen because 149 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: they live with us. So we were noticing that some 150 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 1: of the things that you and I, um, we're trying 151 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: to implement or trying to enforce with the children, sometimes 152 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: there was an inconsistency because my parents wouldn't necessarily see 153 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: it through. So they try, but sometimes the kids are 154 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: going to be kids and they know what they can 155 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: get away with things with. So so tell us about 156 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 1: I guess now your reflection, because Deval and I actually 157 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 1: had to leave to go to New York for work 158 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 1: the next morning, So no one wants to have that argument. 159 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,000 Speaker 1: You know, it's like arguing with your spouse and then 160 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 1: you have to leave and go away. UM. I think 161 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,200 Speaker 1: it hurt ten times worse to feel like that was 162 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: the no left, That was the accord that we left 163 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: the next morning, um with the children on you know, um. 164 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,640 Speaker 1: But it happened that evening and that plane ride and 165 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: everything I could tell that it was on my mind. 166 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,320 Speaker 1: Those my mind for two reasons. One because I always 167 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,839 Speaker 1: want to evolve and be better, right, but I felt 168 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 1: like in me trying to be better and my kids better, 169 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,960 Speaker 1: I was failing because it wasn't working, you know. Like 170 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: I grew up a very modest and privileged young man. 171 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 1: You know, I was privileged that both my parents we 172 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:14,640 Speaker 1: moved from an apartment to a house. That was the privilege. 173 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,240 Speaker 1: You know. I had a lawn, you know, my my 174 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: father bought me my first car when I was eighteen. 175 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 1: Privilege but modest, and that my parents made me work 176 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,280 Speaker 1: for everything. You know what I'm saying, Like they didn't give. 177 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: We didn't We didn't live in abundance, right, So everything 178 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,800 Speaker 1: that I got growing up, I felt had value, you know. 179 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: And then my father taught me a lot of valuable 180 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,079 Speaker 1: lessons about finances and time because I had to work 181 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,760 Speaker 1: like my grandparents. When we were eight and nine years old, 182 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,440 Speaker 1: we had to set up a chore system right where 183 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 1: we had to be up at eight in the morning. 184 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 1: We had to cut the grass. They lived on an 185 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: acre and a half of land in Morristown, Tennessee. My 186 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: brother and my cousin, Devona, and I had to cut 187 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:55,199 Speaker 1: the grass, trim the hedgians, water the lawn, picked the weeds. 188 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: And this is eight and nine years old, but it 189 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,079 Speaker 1: taught us work ethic. We knew we had to be up. 190 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: It was hot in the summertime in Morristown, Tennessee, and 191 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,840 Speaker 1: we were outside doing this to the point where when 192 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 1: I was sixteen and I started, I got my my license, 193 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: I got my permit, and I knew I was gonna 194 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,600 Speaker 1: start driving. I was like, let me get a job 195 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 1: so I can't have gas money because I was borrowing 196 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: my uncle Kev's car. So I was never like afraid 197 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: of hard work, never stranger to it. So now you 198 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 1: get older and you're like, I want to give my 199 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 1: kids all of the things I didn't have. Right, So 200 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 1: we moved from our apartment just like almost the same 201 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:34,959 Speaker 1: exact year. We moved from our apartment at nine when 202 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: Jackson was nine and were eight, and we moved from 203 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: Carnarsi from from Flatbush to Canarsi when I was eight, 204 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 1: So I remember going from an apartment to go into 205 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: a house. So with Jackson we moved from our apartment 206 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,719 Speaker 1: that we moved to l A. Then we moved from 207 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,800 Speaker 1: l A and I We're in Atlanta in our own space, 208 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 1: and I noticed that they were just taking certain things 209 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 1: for granted, you know, like Jackson was using V Bucks 210 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: all at the time, and he's using these V Bucks 211 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 1: and I'm getting piste off because every other day it's 212 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 1: like nine dollars, ten dollars, and I'm like, boa, like, 213 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 1: this is money. You don't just be spending on V books. 214 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: And then when you waste the V books, you get 215 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 1: more V books. That doesn't work. Then he asked me 216 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 1: to get him a trainer and take him to basketball 217 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 1: and do all these things. And while I'm investing my time, 218 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: taking time away from my wife and my kids and 219 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: my money to do these things. You get into the 220 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 1: games and you just at some point you just act 221 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: like you don't want to be there. I like lost it, 222 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,679 Speaker 1: you know. But then you have people in your life 223 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: who kind of bring you back to a perspective. Right. 224 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:39,160 Speaker 1: J Cole, who's Jackson's trainer, was like, you do you 225 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 1: do realize that Jackson's only been playing organized basketball for 226 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 1: two months And I was like, yeah, but there has 227 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: to be a will and then the want for him, 228 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,320 Speaker 1: and he was like, well, you can't have a will 229 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: of want to do something that you don't know what 230 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,480 Speaker 1: you're supposed to do. He's learning, so it seems like 231 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 1: he's moving slow or he or he's lost because he 232 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,920 Speaker 1: really doesn't know. Every kid that I've trained has gone 233 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: do this. So I was like, oh, so this is 234 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,800 Speaker 1: not like an entitlement thing or I mean, he's just 235 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: like no. So I was like, damn, I messed up, Like, 236 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 1: you know, like damn, I feel bad. I was like, hey, 237 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: you got some goggles. I was like goggles. He's like yeah, 238 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 1: about to go fishing path out of the pool because 239 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: I messed up. No, I felt bad because I was like, 240 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,079 Speaker 1: I'm the one that called you upstairs. I felt like 241 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,559 Speaker 1: I sparked that whole tantrum in a sense because I 242 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: was overhearing Kaz, you know, because the thing is like 243 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 1: they joke about it out booty either booty hey, like 244 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,040 Speaker 1: they think it's so funny at this age. But what 245 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 1: I fear is that he's going to be out in 246 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 1: public or at someone else's house or you know what 247 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,439 Speaker 1: I mean, because it's always the thing where your parents, 248 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 1: you know, they give you the talk when they send 249 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,080 Speaker 1: you to someone else's house whatever, and it's just like 250 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,719 Speaker 1: behave yourself, don't you know? And you just wanted it 251 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,679 Speaker 1: to be a habit. The things that you learn at 252 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,360 Speaker 1: home you will then take with you out into the world. 253 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 1: I just didn't want them running around people's houses, you know, 254 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,160 Speaker 1: and peeps all day. But you know what brought me 255 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 1: back to reality. It is my first time raising boys. 256 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 1: I called my parents to vent about I'm like, what 257 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,319 Speaker 1: am I doing wrong? Like I'm trying to give him anything? 258 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:08,320 Speaker 1: And then my mom said, My mom said, you know, 259 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 1: you and your brother did the same day walk around 260 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 1: this house four or five or anytime somebody fart or 261 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 1: say booty or but or a penis or boobies. Y'all 262 00:13:15,679 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 1: loved us out, laughing. Y'all walk around and no shirts on, 263 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 1: and it's she's just like, Y used to have fart 264 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 1: competitions and stuff. And I'm just like, and you know what, 265 00:13:24,559 --> 00:13:28,200 Speaker 1: like we like we did. But and I realized in 266 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,920 Speaker 1: that moment that I was projecting where I where I 267 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960 Speaker 1: am in my life and expecting my toddler and my 268 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: ten year old to understand everything that I had finally 269 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 1: figured out at thirty seven, and then realizing that at 270 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 1: thirty seven, I don't know everything so I had to apologize, right. 271 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 1: So here's where it tripped me out and made me 272 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,120 Speaker 1: realize that we were doing an Okay, John Prenton, I 273 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,840 Speaker 1: faced time Jackson while we're in New York. That's in 274 00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 1: the hotel room, looking like he lost all his dogs. Okay. 275 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: I went out to get my makeup done, came back 276 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 1: and he was just like, man, I had to have 277 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,839 Speaker 1: a call talk with Jake Cole and he just looked 278 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 1: so sad. I was like, you know, when you better 279 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,400 Speaker 1: reconcile with your babies before you lose it because you 280 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,560 Speaker 1: don't say you don't know. Because now I've been there 281 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:16,480 Speaker 1: as well, I've had to apologize. Remember Jackson, the whole 282 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 1: COVID thing, Like I've had to stop and you know 283 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: now you're right, Yeah, you're right. You have to apologize. 284 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 1: And what I'm what I'm talking about is there are 285 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 1: different nuances and being a black woman and a black man, right, 286 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: and sometimes I get stuck in those nuances. For example, 287 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: the video that surfaced of the young white boy and 288 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,320 Speaker 1: the young black boy who were in the mall having 289 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: an argument. The argument became physical. The white boy was 290 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: the aggressor, right, they're fighting each other two white cops 291 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 1: come over. Right. They pulled the white boy off of 292 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 1: the little black kid right, sit him down on the couch, 293 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,240 Speaker 1: then put their knee in the backs of the black 294 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: kid and handcuff him, no questions, no questions asked. So 295 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 1: in mom mind, in my mind, it's like and not 296 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: for nothing. They do the same thing to young black girls, 297 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: because there was the video I think was six years 298 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 1: ago of the young black girl at the pool at 299 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 1: the pool, and they right, and I'm just yep. So 300 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,200 Speaker 1: for me, when I look at my boys, I'm trying 301 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: to teach them a level of dignity and toughness and 302 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 1: emotional security at the same time. And I want them 303 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: to understand so bad because I fear that they go 304 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,160 Speaker 1: out into the world and not understanding these things and 305 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: find themselves in that situation. That's the fear I have 306 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:38,440 Speaker 1: as a father to four kings, you know. But I 307 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 1: faced Tom Jackson and I say, brod go. I talked 308 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,440 Speaker 1: to him and I I owe you an apology, and 309 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,840 Speaker 1: he was just like okay, And I'm just like, you know, 310 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: I handled it wrong in the in the in the car. 311 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I shouldn't have been screaming 312 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 1: and and this is just just clarity. I scream and 313 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,280 Speaker 1: then I'm going to say this on the podcast because 314 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: this is our commune. But when it comes to coaching 315 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 1: and training and motivating my kids, I scream and cursing 316 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 1: my kids. This is why I called myself a renegade. 317 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: I do things non traditionally, and the reason why I 318 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,760 Speaker 1: do it is because I was an athlete my whole life. 319 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,440 Speaker 1: Every coach that I came across screamed and cursed and hollered, 320 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 1: and it wasn't like always a degrading curse, but it 321 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 1: was something like, you know, like let's fucking go. And 322 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,280 Speaker 1: I want my boys to hear those words from me 323 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: while getting hugs and kisses, so that they understand that 324 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,320 Speaker 1: when someone is screaming and cursing at you, espirsty as 325 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 1: a coach, it's not always degrading you. Because also as 326 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: a mentor at Prototype for ten years, I noticed how 327 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,400 Speaker 1: boys who never got that at home, or was never 328 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: coached on what it's like to be coached hard by someone, 329 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,960 Speaker 1: they folded because they didn't understand that, yeah, this coaches 330 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 1: maybe screaming and cursing and hollering and stuff, but they're 331 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 1: trying to give you the tools you need to succeed. 332 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: And a lot of those young men and young women 333 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: were just like, all the coaches don't like me, and 334 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,680 Speaker 1: it's like, will do they screaming curses everybody. Yeah, but 335 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 1: they'd be screaming and coaching that in cursing at me different. No, 336 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 1: it's not different. You just don't like it. So you 337 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,560 Speaker 1: pulled back and now you're no longer on the team 338 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,280 Speaker 1: and you lost on opportunity or the coach saw something 339 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: in human absolute that dog out of you, pull the 340 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: dog you want. And I noticed this with Jackson. When 341 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,840 Speaker 1: Jackson's in a happy, god lucky mood, he plays at 342 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 1: a different level. When I come over to and I'm like, yo, 343 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 1: you keep playing around and we're going to funk home. 344 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 1: Now drops Jackson wants to drop fifteen points and steals 345 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,160 Speaker 1: and blocked, and it's like, I'm I'm trying to bring 346 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: the dog out of him because you got to compete. 347 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,600 Speaker 1: But I told him, I said, you know, I misdiagnosed 348 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,119 Speaker 1: what was happening that day. Ja Cole was there. He 349 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,119 Speaker 1: told me that you look lost because you don't know 350 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 1: what's going on. You weren't just being lazy, and he 351 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,120 Speaker 1: was just like yeah, and I was just like, well, 352 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:50,600 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. You know, I've never been a dad before 353 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,720 Speaker 1: in his position. I got emotional. I got upset and 354 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,120 Speaker 1: it wasn't right. And I was expecting him to break 355 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,960 Speaker 1: down and cry like he doesn't, but you made me 356 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 1: feel bad. But he this is literally what he said 357 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,240 Speaker 1: to me. He said with that, you know you're human 358 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,879 Speaker 1: just like I am, and when I make mistakes, you 359 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,440 Speaker 1: give you forgive me, right, And I was like yeah. 360 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,600 Speaker 1: He was like, well, I forgive you not the big deal. 361 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,720 Speaker 1: We're gonna grow together, right, We're gonna learn together, right. 362 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 1: And now he's encouraging me as a parent. You know 363 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,919 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying, like, and 364 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 1: that made me feel like that like all is talking. 365 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:27,920 Speaker 1: We're doing about emotional emotional intelligence and awareness and being 366 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 1: securing yourself. My son at ten is using this moment 367 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: to encourage me, who made the mistake. And I was like, so, 368 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,640 Speaker 1: at least in making my mistake, I didn't damage my son. 369 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,160 Speaker 1: But I had to acknowledge that I spoke to Cas. 370 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,719 Speaker 1: Same thing with Kas and Kas is for so he 371 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,320 Speaker 1: wasn't as profound, but he gave me how He's like, 372 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 1: it's okay, daddy, you know, like, and then Cairo was 373 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,399 Speaker 1: caught in the mix because one thing I'm not gonna 374 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,600 Speaker 1: do is just punish and not punish the rest. So 375 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: I took Cairo's leather jacket and his change. I was 376 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:04,600 Speaker 1: like anything, though, but he did. He fell. He stuck 377 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: by his brothers. They're gonna be is a United Front, 378 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: the same way where United Front. They're not gonna switch 379 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:14,159 Speaker 1: at each other, like they have this like bond going on, 380 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 1: which I'm all right with that. But I spoke to 381 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,880 Speaker 1: all of them individually. Kylo was like high school dad, 382 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:22,240 Speaker 1: but you know Kyle and his STOICSLF. It's fun, It's okay, 383 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: But can I have my chain back now? And I'm like, sure, bro, 384 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,920 Speaker 1: you catta be a chain back. I want to wear 385 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 1: my leather jacket to Jackson's game, right, and looked like 386 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,600 Speaker 1: Kanye West, that's all he wants. Kiro is, if I 387 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,600 Speaker 1: haven't seen that real on my Instagram, you have to 388 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,159 Speaker 1: be the way he walks into this game. But um, 389 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: I think it was great just to watch the entire 390 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:46,159 Speaker 1: thing kind of transpire because um, for so long, I 391 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,600 Speaker 1: think we were conditioned to believe that parents were always 392 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,120 Speaker 1: right and do as I say, and we saw how 393 00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: that impacted us this children growing up and into adulthood. 394 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,840 Speaker 1: We're just like, damn, accountability is so huge for us 395 00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: and something that I think a lot of our generation 396 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: felt like our parents lacked was accountability and a lot 397 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: of times there was not having conversations with us, not 398 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: having to explain themselves because they just felt like a 399 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: child needed to be seen and not her M. A 400 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 1: child should not have an opinion because why I know better, 401 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: I'm the parents. You don't have an opinion, You don't 402 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 1: right exactly all the time. So, um, where we try 403 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: to kind of be different in that, you know, some 404 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 1: people may think it's too liberal that you give your 405 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 1: child their voice to be able to speak and say 406 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 1: how they feel. Um, we think that it allows for 407 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,159 Speaker 1: a better connection because what we never want there to 408 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 1: be is the lack of communication. Kids feeling like they 409 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,720 Speaker 1: can't speak to us because our parents just don't understand 410 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,119 Speaker 1: and they're being a disconnect between the generation because it 411 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,679 Speaker 1: always happens with parents and children. So I like that, Um, 412 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,520 Speaker 1: as I observed everything kind of unfolding that you had 413 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 1: a sense of peace once you had the conversation with Jackson, 414 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:56,359 Speaker 1: because I feel like you couldn't even continue the trip 415 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,600 Speaker 1: without that hanging over your head. And then I appreciate 416 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,359 Speaker 1: the village of people we have around us that we 417 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: can also lean on and speak to who are also parents, 418 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,240 Speaker 1: who are also coaches, who are also in different capacities, 419 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,119 Speaker 1: that can say, you know what the you were wrong 420 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 1: and you know you gotta yeah, you gotta reach out 421 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: and be like, yo, did I handle this correctly? And 422 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,520 Speaker 1: we're never above that either as parents, because there's this 423 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,959 Speaker 1: constant desire and this constant want for us to just 424 00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,639 Speaker 1: learn and to be better and to understand our children, 425 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 1: you know, um. And it's hard because we've been through 426 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: life experiences. So it's like you can see the writing 427 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,359 Speaker 1: on the wall a lot of the times and you 428 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,159 Speaker 1: know what's required, um, And that's something you try to 429 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 1: instill in your kids. But at the same time, it's 430 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,200 Speaker 1: just like, damn, some things they're gonna have to a 431 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 1: figure out on their own and be I can't micro 432 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: manage my child's life, you know you can't. And it's 433 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: something else I want to bring up, especially about micromanaging, 434 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 1: is social media and the role it plays on being 435 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:55,639 Speaker 1: a parent. Right. Um, I remember the Dad Gang. You know, 436 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,320 Speaker 1: I was honored last year at the Dad Gang banquet. 437 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,119 Speaker 1: Shout out to Sean and Jeff and all of those guys, 438 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 1: like those really good dudes. But um, social media is 439 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,920 Speaker 1: all about trends, right, and a part of the trends. 440 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: One of the trends that was growing quickly over the 441 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 1: last couple of years, especially since I've been on social 442 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:19,359 Speaker 1: media is parenting how your parents and fatherhood right, black fatherhood, 443 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,280 Speaker 1: And a lot of the guys were saying, like, you know, 444 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,920 Speaker 1: the value like the god father of black fatherhood content 445 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,399 Speaker 1: because no one was doing it, and then I started 446 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,359 Speaker 1: doing it and then it started to become trendy and 447 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: a lot of guys are doing it. First of all, 448 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,959 Speaker 1: kudos to you guys for for expressing what it's like 449 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,119 Speaker 1: to be a black father, because it needs to be 450 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,560 Speaker 1: more than one voice. So we need to see different 451 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,679 Speaker 1: types of dad's parenting in different ways with different children, 452 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,639 Speaker 1: so that representation is out there, right, So kudos to 453 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,119 Speaker 1: you guys. But also I appreciate and I feel honored 454 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 1: that you guys called me the godfather or fatherhood content. 455 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:57,360 Speaker 1: But with that comes to responsibility, right. So our content 456 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 1: is entertainment, and it's important for people to understand that 457 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,000 Speaker 1: when you watch the Ellisis on social media, it's entertainment. 458 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,399 Speaker 1: You get less than one per cent of me actually 459 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:14,080 Speaker 1: fathering on social media, you know what I'm saying. But 460 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,639 Speaker 1: I felt a responsibility to let the people who follow 461 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,760 Speaker 1: me know, like, Okay, this is what happened because a 462 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,520 Speaker 1: large part of the time it's me joking with my kids, 463 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,880 Speaker 1: me laughing and doing stuff with my kids. So people 464 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 1: think that that's all that happens, right, So I had 465 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 1: to at least tell this blackout moment. I didn't want 466 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,639 Speaker 1: to show it because I'm not I'm not big on 467 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:36,080 Speaker 1: disciplining my kids on social media. We didn't do that yet, 468 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:37,680 Speaker 1: and in that moment, we were both we were all 469 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,399 Speaker 1: just president in that president desire to pull out a camera. 470 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,679 Speaker 1: But but I want I wanted to express that my 471 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 1: kids were being disciplined because I wanted people to know 472 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,800 Speaker 1: that I'm not going to sacrifice being recognized as the 473 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:57,160 Speaker 1: best father at a detriment to my kids by not 474 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,680 Speaker 1: being the best father, and sometimes being the best father 475 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,920 Speaker 1: in that moment is not going to be applauded by 476 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:09,399 Speaker 1: everyone on the outside see what I'm saying. And the 477 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,480 Speaker 1: thing is, that's fine, Like I'm fine with that. And 478 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,960 Speaker 1: I want a lot of men and women who are 479 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,119 Speaker 1: being moms out there to understand that you have a 480 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 1: responsibility to be a parent, not just be a parent 481 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:24,679 Speaker 1: on social media, you know, and understanding that social media 482 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:29,040 Speaker 1: for the vast majority of people, the people who comment, 483 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,919 Speaker 1: the vast majority of people is the loud minority. Right, 484 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 1: Most people, when they have a comment or something that's positive, 485 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: they don't say much. People love to leave negative comments. 486 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: So what happens is I watch a lot of people 487 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,399 Speaker 1: and I hear dads. Because we talked about this in 488 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 1: the Dad Game. How do I deal with people who 489 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,160 Speaker 1: comment negatively on something that they've done as a dad 490 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: and try to express and be transparent? And I was like, dude, 491 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:56,320 Speaker 1: you can't. You can't look at this comments like it's 492 00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:59,000 Speaker 1: like you're parenting. You know what your child needed in 493 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,520 Speaker 1: that moment. And most of of videos we post lack 494 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,439 Speaker 1: the full context of what happened. So when you posted 495 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 1: a clip of what happened, of course people are going 496 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: to dissect and pick it apart because you posted it 497 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,560 Speaker 1: you have to deal with the fact that they dissected 498 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,160 Speaker 1: and picked it apart you posted it. But also remember 499 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,080 Speaker 1: that most of the people who are commenting on your 500 00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: stuff are naysayers. Like, let's just be clear what social 501 00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: media is. Social media is a place for people to 502 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 1: complain invent about how bad their life is. Right the 503 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,119 Speaker 1: most most of the people who watch, who enjoy it 504 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 1: and and having a good time doing it, don't really 505 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,399 Speaker 1: leave positive comments. You want to know why. They're too 506 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,639 Speaker 1: busy living their own life to be going back and 507 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,240 Speaker 1: forth with people. But they'll be supportive like we had, 508 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,919 Speaker 1: Like the vast majority of our community are supportive people, 509 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:50,160 Speaker 1: super similaritive people. Absolutely. But of the million one point 510 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,640 Speaker 1: eight million people that follow me, I don't get one 511 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,760 Speaker 1: point eight million comments every time I post something you 512 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,080 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. You may get a couple of thousands, 513 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,240 Speaker 1: you know, a couple of tens of thousands, But even 514 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,200 Speaker 1: tens of thousands to one point eight million is less 515 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 1: than one percent you know what I'm saying, And even 516 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,239 Speaker 1: the vast majority of those comments are positive, But some 517 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: of the comments are negative, and we as parents tend 518 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: to look at the negative comments and try to adjust 519 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,560 Speaker 1: our parenting style based on negative comments on social media. 520 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,440 Speaker 1: We cannot do that, and and and when. The reason 521 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 1: why I chose renegade is because I want to be 522 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: one of the first people to openly say that I 523 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,320 Speaker 1: will never be a detriment to my kids because of 524 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,840 Speaker 1: what someone said to me about my parenting style on 525 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,600 Speaker 1: social media. Never. I'm just lending. Like, you know, we 526 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 1: are very selective about the people who we seek advice from. Um. 527 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,480 Speaker 1: You know, with our children. For example, we have some 528 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: friends that we made out here, Jackson's friends parents who 529 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 1: are a little bit older than us, but they've also 530 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:51,880 Speaker 1: raised three boys visual scholarship. Absolutely, so if we're ever 531 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,800 Speaker 1: in a you know, conundrum, we're just like, man, we 532 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,840 Speaker 1: need to get some advice or you know, what is 533 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,000 Speaker 1: it like to have this, or just having conversations because 534 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 1: I feel like they need to be had. Um, that's 535 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 1: somebody that we feel like we can lean on because 536 00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:05,199 Speaker 1: they may have been in a circumstance that we have 537 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,719 Speaker 1: not yet touched or we're just about to embark on, 538 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,960 Speaker 1: or what's the way to kind of combat something that 539 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,680 Speaker 1: may potentially happen in the future when Jackson's thirteen, Because 540 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:17,160 Speaker 1: they've been there before, So instead of seeking advice from 541 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,879 Speaker 1: comments or people. UM, you know, it's about speaking to 542 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,920 Speaker 1: the right people who you feel like we'll be able 543 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,479 Speaker 1: to be objective that can kind of step back from 544 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 1: the situation and say, all right, devour what you may 545 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:29,920 Speaker 1: not have done this the right way. Who's not gonna 546 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,479 Speaker 1: yes you to death either, but also just speak from 547 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,520 Speaker 1: their experience and then you take from that what you need. UM. 548 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,159 Speaker 1: Which I think that's one of the biggest blessings that 549 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,479 Speaker 1: we have is a lot of people that we can 550 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:44,119 Speaker 1: go to for that if we needed to. UM. And 551 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,240 Speaker 1: usually with social media, like you said, you get one 552 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:49,480 Speaker 1: portion of it. You don't understand anything that's happened that 553 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,119 Speaker 1: might have led up to that moment or you know, 554 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:54,600 Speaker 1: the history behind anything. The same thing that happened with 555 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,080 Speaker 1: our monogamy clip. You know, people saw the one little 556 00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,439 Speaker 1: clip and had no idea context of things. UM. So 557 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,280 Speaker 1: that's that's easily a sparking, like a catalyst for people 558 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:05,879 Speaker 1: just kind of just stay away what they feel in 559 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:09,000 Speaker 1: that moment based off of that. UM. But yeah, we're 560 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,040 Speaker 1: still trying to figure out this parenting thing. When my 561 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:12,840 Speaker 1: mom told me back in the day that there's no 562 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,920 Speaker 1: book to being a parent, and there's no blueprint or 563 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 1: guideline it there's nothing truer. And for us, it's also 564 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,960 Speaker 1: a matter of having to um. I think style step 565 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,440 Speaker 1: as parents around our children's ways of learning things, UM, 566 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,479 Speaker 1: how they receive information, how they received discipline, UM, the 567 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,679 Speaker 1: approaches that we have to take. You know, I know 568 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: one time you had said that you feel like we 569 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,639 Speaker 1: didn't need to style step around the children. Yeah, I 570 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:43,120 Speaker 1: was that That was very early on before this is 571 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,560 Speaker 1: when Jackson was about seven and we just had cairoing 572 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 1: cast and my plan was too create a system that 573 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 1: could that could parent them the same way so no 574 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,520 Speaker 1: child felt left out, so there was no favoritism. Because 575 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,040 Speaker 1: I remember growing up in my house, my parents and 576 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: style stepped a lot, and me, being the oldest, I 577 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,200 Speaker 1: felt like a lot of the accountability was put on 578 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,360 Speaker 1: me and my brother and my sister were allowed to 579 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:09,320 Speaker 1: get away with a lot more. And I still feel 580 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 1: strongly about that to this day. And I always felt 581 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:15,400 Speaker 1: like I didn't want to raise my children in an 582 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 1: environment where one felt like the other one was getting 583 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,240 Speaker 1: treated differently than the other, So I didn't want a 584 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,520 Speaker 1: style step. So maybe a style step is not the word, 585 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,400 Speaker 1: but it's the you with each child based on how 586 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,200 Speaker 1: they receive and for me, let me just finish this. 587 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,920 Speaker 1: You were right with the style stepping because I didn't 588 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 1: realize because at that time, I didn't realize how different 589 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:35,120 Speaker 1: their personalities were going to be. Then once Cairo was 590 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,239 Speaker 1: five and kas is four, I realized I cannot do 591 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,200 Speaker 1: the same thing to Cairo that I do to Jackson. 592 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:43,479 Speaker 1: So stole stepping was the right word, and you were 593 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 1: right in the moment. I didn't realize how right you 594 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,840 Speaker 1: were because I felt like this is the way I 595 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,240 Speaker 1: wanted to be with my kids, and it wasn't until 596 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: seeing their personalities. For example, Jackson needs to be screamed 597 00:29:56,520 --> 00:30:00,400 Speaker 1: at and challenged so that that fire goes out. Kyro 598 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,680 Speaker 1: is fiery all the time. I have to calm Kyra, now, yo, relax, 599 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:10,120 Speaker 1: control yourself like I can't. I literally cannot do the 600 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:11,800 Speaker 1: same thing to the two of them, because it would 601 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:14,040 Speaker 1: never be well if the way Kyro is, if I 602 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 1: went in he was like, let's go around, he would 603 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 1: be out of control, tearing people's heads off. He needs 604 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 1: to learn control. Jackson is very controlled. He needs to 605 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:25,160 Speaker 1: learn how to be more assertive. So that's where you 606 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 1: are absolutely right, Like I don't give damn Like he's 607 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:36,120 Speaker 1: just like I'm doing this. But um, there's one thing 608 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:37,680 Speaker 1: I do want to say that I also learned from 609 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:41,440 Speaker 1: being a parent. Um. We spend so much time trying 610 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,240 Speaker 1: to give our kids all the stuff that we didn't have, 611 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 1: that we neglect to give them and teach them the 612 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:50,040 Speaker 1: lessons that we've learned right adversity. Um, James shout out 613 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 1: to James Edmonds. He's one of the dads that helps 614 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:56,120 Speaker 1: us out with Jackson and his wife Shonda. Um. He 615 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,600 Speaker 1: sent me a text message after this whole ordeal with Jackson, 616 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 1: and he sent this text. It was a parable right, 617 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: and it says, my grandfather walked ten miles to work, 618 00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:09,680 Speaker 1: my father worked five miles to work. I drive a Cadillac, 619 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,360 Speaker 1: my son will drive a Porsche, my grandson will walk 620 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,640 Speaker 1: ten miles to work. Right. And it was just like, well, 621 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 1: why is that? And they said, tough times make strong men. 622 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 1: Strong men make easy times. Easy times make weak men, 623 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:30,600 Speaker 1: and weak men make tough times. And I said to him, 624 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:32,040 Speaker 1: I said, you know that reminds me of was saying. 625 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:33,920 Speaker 1: I heard that. It says it's hard to find a 626 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 1: great man, that's the son of a great man, because 627 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:41,280 Speaker 1: typically the adversity that you've gone through to make you great, 628 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 1: you've erased all of that adversity for your son, and 629 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: now they grow up just like, oh the world is easy. 630 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,920 Speaker 1: I've learned that. And this doesn't go just for for sons. 631 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: I learned this with sons and your daughters, because the 632 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,000 Speaker 1: same thing can be said for my family. I think 633 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,440 Speaker 1: about my family and how my parents came up here 634 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:03,240 Speaker 1: at young seven years old on their own, trying to 635 00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:06,320 Speaker 1: make a life from themselves, for themselves, you know, living 636 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,120 Speaker 1: with people who allow them to stay for periods at 637 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,240 Speaker 1: a time just so they can get themselves and make 638 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: their make something of themselves. And then I think about 639 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:15,960 Speaker 1: the life that I lived with my parents, like you said, 640 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: you know, middle class, but still had a lot of privilege, 641 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: had the things that I needed and wanted because my 642 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 1: parents worked so hard. And then now as a parent too, 643 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,719 Speaker 1: this is something we always battle with, is like, how 644 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,800 Speaker 1: do we try to create some adversity for the kids, 645 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:32,400 Speaker 1: because we don't want that to continue to be the 646 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 1: cycle where they just have everything and they're not appreciative 647 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:39,720 Speaker 1: or they're not hard workers. So yeah, it's it's the 648 00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 1: one thing that I've learned is that you cannot eradicate 649 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,640 Speaker 1: all adversity from your child's life because that's not that's 650 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:48,240 Speaker 1: going to be to their detriment. And um, I am 651 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 1: unapologetic about the way I am with my boys. I 652 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,400 Speaker 1: had posted on a video where I was using the 653 00:32:55,080 --> 00:33:00,520 Speaker 1: skimmer for the pool and helping Jackson with basketball, and 654 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,760 Speaker 1: during the clip you were filming. I didn't realize you 655 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,440 Speaker 1: were filming, but we're doing a clip And at the clip, 656 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:05,720 Speaker 1: I was like, man, what then are you doing? Pay 657 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:09,760 Speaker 1: attention not that he's in Someone said in the YouTube clip, oh, 658 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: he curses at the kids. Time for me to unfollow. 659 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:13,800 Speaker 1: And then there was a whole debate under that where 660 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:15,800 Speaker 1: people are just like, are you serious, Like this man 661 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,440 Speaker 1: shows love and affectuous kids all the time, but because 662 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 1: he curses him or coaches him, hardly gonna unfollowed this 663 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:23,160 Speaker 1: is so then they started going back and forth. One 664 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 1: thing I'm gonna say is that I am going to 665 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:29,280 Speaker 1: be super unapologetic about how hard I am all my boys. 666 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:30,800 Speaker 1: And if I had a daughter, I would be the 667 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 1: same way. Because I watched that video of that young 668 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:37,680 Speaker 1: black man and that that mall and him being arrested 669 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,880 Speaker 1: by the police officers while all his other white counterparts 670 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: got to sit there and watch. And the first thing 671 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 1: I said to myself was if if that was my son, 672 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,000 Speaker 1: I would have hoped that I could have put my 673 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,880 Speaker 1: son in a better situation to handle that. For example, 674 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,840 Speaker 1: to realize, like, wait a minute, they're fifteen white kids here, 675 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:58,120 Speaker 1: I'm the only black kid. People are raising their voices. 676 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna probably be the only one to get in 677 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 1: trouble some control. And it's not just for boys. It's this. 678 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,719 Speaker 1: I've watched it. I've watched it. I can see with 679 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:13,040 Speaker 1: young black girls someone is disrespecting them, they choose to 680 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:15,040 Speaker 1: raise their voice or raised up because they're tired of 681 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:18,920 Speaker 1: being disrespected. I've seen it at schools, teachers come involved, 682 00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:21,240 Speaker 1: tempers flail, and the first thing to do was grabbed 683 00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:24,960 Speaker 1: a little black girl. While these adult white people are 684 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,759 Speaker 1: You're the aggressors, Like, how is this? How is is 685 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:31,120 Speaker 1: this allowed to happen? And what I never want is 686 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:34,240 Speaker 1: any ellis to go out in the world not feeling 687 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 1: equipped to deal with the hardships that come in the world. 688 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:42,480 Speaker 1: One one thing I guarantee you, my children or anyone 689 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,360 Speaker 1: who's around me, because when I mentor young men and 690 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:47,600 Speaker 1: women for the ten years in Brooklyn, I always prepared 691 00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 1: them absolutely. I prepared prepared them to deal with people 692 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:56,480 Speaker 1: screaming and cursing and swinging and hitting, so that they 693 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,600 Speaker 1: can find a place of peace and center, so that 694 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:03,000 Speaker 1: they how to maneuver in this situation and not be emotional. 695 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,920 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Especially my kids like me 696 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,560 Speaker 1: and Jack said this whole thing I was. We were 697 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:11,759 Speaker 1: going hard at each other and in practice was going 698 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,320 Speaker 1: I was, let's go, let's go, let's go. No, no, 699 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:15,960 Speaker 1: don't be a bitch, don't be a bit, just going 700 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: back and forth. Right at the end, he was smiling right, 701 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,400 Speaker 1: and he was just like I said, What's what's up? Like? 702 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:23,160 Speaker 1: He was just like, yo. I mean when we first 703 00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,440 Speaker 1: started and used like screaming, me and I useduld just 704 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:30,040 Speaker 1: get so scared. But now it's like I feel good, 705 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,480 Speaker 1: Like I feel good, I know, And I was just like, 706 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. So when you go out 707 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 1: in the world and you get coached hard by someone, 708 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,080 Speaker 1: you won't back down from hearing those words because it's 709 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,719 Speaker 1: not me trying to belittle you. It's me trying to 710 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:46,200 Speaker 1: empower you. And some of these people only know how 711 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,960 Speaker 1: to coach one way. They only know how to tell 712 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 1: you have a teacher. The teacher may be a dick. 713 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,279 Speaker 1: They may be hard on you because the only way 714 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:54,640 Speaker 1: they know how to get the best out of you. 715 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:56,839 Speaker 1: And I said, what are you listening to when I'm 716 00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,719 Speaker 1: screaming and curse? And he's like, I'm just listening to 717 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:00,680 Speaker 1: the details of what you said I need to work on. 718 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:03,839 Speaker 1: And I said, you're getting it, You're getting it. I said, 719 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:05,560 Speaker 1: do you even hear anything? Says no, I don't. I've 720 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: learned to tune you out. So I said, so you 721 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 1: be tuning me out at the basketball games? He says absolutely. 722 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:16,799 Speaker 1: Said that's like you got your mama's jeans, But you do. 723 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,360 Speaker 1: You be tuning to me out too. It goes both ways. 724 00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:24,200 Speaker 1: But I felt so good though, because you see at 725 00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:26,600 Speaker 1: the games, I'll be screaming and he just begged me, 726 00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 1: which he should be at this point. He should be 727 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,160 Speaker 1: ignoring me at the games and listen to who you 728 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,440 Speaker 1: listening to us and listen to my coach. But but 729 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:39,600 Speaker 1: that he's able to compartmentalize now, so he's not easily distracted. 730 00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:43,560 Speaker 1: And I feel so good as a dad because I 731 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,200 Speaker 1: feel like I've given him the tools to learn how 732 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:50,759 Speaker 1: to just drown out the noise, don't worry about all 733 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,960 Speaker 1: the stuff that may emotionally affect me. Let me focus 734 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,440 Speaker 1: on the detail of what I need to do to 735 00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,440 Speaker 1: get better and focusing on that. And that's something he 736 00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,360 Speaker 1: could take through so many different phases of life, not 737 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,239 Speaker 1: just basketball. And he wasn't able to do that years 738 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 1: ago when we beforet started. The minute I used to 739 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,640 Speaker 1: call him over, he'd be on the brink of crying, 740 00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:08,840 Speaker 1: not be like, what's the matter, I'm afraid I'm gonna trouble. 741 00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:11,880 Speaker 1: But now he's just like, so what I gotta do? 742 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:13,640 Speaker 1: And we teach him to also be confident in knowing 743 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 1: that you were right and you didn't do anything wrong, 744 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,759 Speaker 1: like not always feeling like you did something wrong too, 745 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,759 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's why we have those 746 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:21,759 Speaker 1: moments where we just call him over and just give 747 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,560 Speaker 1: him hugs and give him like that's the thing in 748 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,000 Speaker 1: the house, you know what I mean. And I'll how 749 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: you I love you today. You know that's great? That 750 00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:29,440 Speaker 1: with me too, and I actually really like it. I'll 751 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,960 Speaker 1: do that I'm trying to cop a field. Mike, come in, 752 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:36,239 Speaker 1: I'll tell y'all love you today. But insert the butt 753 00:37:36,239 --> 00:37:40,919 Speaker 1: squeeze the booty booty. Look, that's what the kids get 754 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:46,440 Speaker 1: me too. At that's dope. Though. I'm glad you were 755 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,160 Speaker 1: able to tell everybody about your little daddy tantrum. You 756 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,560 Speaker 1: had a little dad tangent to make sure. Yeah, it's 757 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,520 Speaker 1: to interview the vow about his daddy's tangent so he 758 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,560 Speaker 1: can explain the context, you know what I mean. All 759 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:57,279 Speaker 1: r y'all, We're gonna say a quick break and get 760 00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:00,839 Speaker 1: into some listen letters after we talk about these ads 761 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:13,520 Speaker 1: right here. Alright, we're back with listener letters. I'm gonna 762 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,840 Speaker 1: go first today since I got interviewed and cold to 763 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:20,200 Speaker 1: the carpet. Hey, sometimes you gotta do that as part 764 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:25,440 Speaker 1: of account of goal. All right, here we go. My 765 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:29,440 Speaker 1: husband and I recently celebrated our first anniversity anniversary. It 766 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,480 Speaker 1: wasn't known too many because our actual wedding was canceled 767 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,359 Speaker 1: because of COVID, and so we decided to just go 768 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,480 Speaker 1: to the city clerk and get married. Congratulations, guys. The 769 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,920 Speaker 1: funny thing is we told everyone his parents, my aunt 770 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,040 Speaker 1: and uncle, since I don't have parents, etcetera. About three 771 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,799 Speaker 1: weeks after when it really sunk in. So on our anniversary, 772 00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,759 Speaker 1: I told his mom my mother in law, today is 773 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,800 Speaker 1: our anniversary. Her response was weird and shady. Oh really 774 00:38:54,000 --> 00:39:00,200 Speaker 1: I didn't place that, okay, wow, and then she casually said, well, 775 00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:03,480 Speaker 1: happy anniversary. She didn't call a text him to say 776 00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:06,600 Speaker 1: anything and feels troubled by it. So truth is, him 777 00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,120 Speaker 1: and his mother haven't been haven't had the best relationships 778 00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:12,080 Speaker 1: since I came in the picture. Oh, I already know 779 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,839 Speaker 1: where it is going. Then you It took up baby 780 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:18,759 Speaker 1: and got burried, and she wasn't involved. She felt like 781 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,960 Speaker 1: he puts me above everything and everyone, and her family 782 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,600 Speaker 1: once mentioned to me that she is jealous. I feel 783 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,200 Speaker 1: bad about it. Oh So I tried my best to 784 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,680 Speaker 1: keep a good enough relationship with her, but down, deep 785 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:31,640 Speaker 1: down inside, it's not genuine, and I somehow feel fake 786 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,160 Speaker 1: just because I know how she feels about me. She 787 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:38,000 Speaker 1: is also still in constant communication with all of his exes, 788 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:40,239 Speaker 1: and I don't know how to feel about it. I 789 00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:42,600 Speaker 1: have better relationships with her sister and niece, but I 790 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,319 Speaker 1: crave to have a genuine relationship with her, especially since 791 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,640 Speaker 1: I don't have a mother figure in my life. My 792 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:50,479 Speaker 1: mom passed a few years ago. That was a lot 793 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:53,840 Speaker 1: l ol. How do I go about fostering a genuine relationship? 794 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,439 Speaker 1: And well, you can start by not taking her son 795 00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,279 Speaker 1: and get married without telling her, but okay, and helping 796 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:03,880 Speaker 1: my husband to rebuild the bond with his mom. So 797 00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:05,960 Speaker 1: I'm wondering, why doesn't the husband have a bond with 798 00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:07,759 Speaker 1: his mom enough that he can tell her that is 799 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:10,319 Speaker 1: it that he's not strong enough to stand up to 800 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,239 Speaker 1: his mom and say, hey, this is who I love 801 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:16,160 Speaker 1: and this is what it is. No, that's not or 802 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:18,160 Speaker 1: is mom and son just about to tell you right 803 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,120 Speaker 1: now mama's boy and her son tell you right now? 804 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:21,879 Speaker 1: He's he might have a little bit of mama's boy 805 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,640 Speaker 1: in him, but she might be a little overbearing as well. 806 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:28,040 Speaker 1: And yet no, no, no, his mother her the girl, 807 00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:30,839 Speaker 1: the girl or wife? Now, because here's here's it is 808 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,840 Speaker 1: a question, serious question. We decide we're going to elope 809 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:36,160 Speaker 1: and get married. Are you not going to tell my parents? 810 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:39,000 Speaker 1: Absolutely not. What type of person goes and elopes and 811 00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:42,040 Speaker 1: doesn't tell the person's parents someone who wants to control everything. Right, 812 00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,840 Speaker 1: let's be honest. Let's let's be honest. Why didn't you 813 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:45,880 Speaker 1: to call mom and be like, yeah, I think you 814 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,719 Speaker 1: should tell your mom. That's that's just funked up, Like 815 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:50,640 Speaker 1: there's no way around it. Like, if we're gonna be 816 00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,160 Speaker 1: honest with people, let's be honest with people. Right when 817 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:56,279 Speaker 1: you went and married that man without saying, hey, you 818 00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,160 Speaker 1: know we want to get married, and you know we 819 00:40:58,160 --> 00:40:59,600 Speaker 1: at least want to tell you if you can make 820 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,840 Speaker 1: it or blah blah blah or something. But after the fact, 821 00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,319 Speaker 1: hey we got married. That's me. Stop. If I would 822 00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:07,400 Speaker 1: have did that to your parents, your parents would have 823 00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:10,320 Speaker 1: been pissed. Yeah, I think it's a parent that you 824 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:14,200 Speaker 1: missed your child's life. This is the very basic level, right, 825 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,640 Speaker 1: like the on the most basic level, this is my child. 826 00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:20,279 Speaker 1: You took my child had a moment and did not 827 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:22,600 Speaker 1: include me, and you can't see here and be like, oh, 828 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:24,799 Speaker 1: I forgot. That's how I felt when you cut all 829 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,239 Speaker 1: the Jackson's here off. Finally you can relate to a 830 00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,760 Speaker 1: story that's very different when you know it's not that's 831 00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:31,759 Speaker 1: the only Jackson's here off, y'all. When he was just 832 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,399 Speaker 1: a little bit over a year and I lost it, 833 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:40,600 Speaker 1: so I'm going to explain that why it's different. Listen, 834 00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:42,239 Speaker 1: we don't have to tell a little story. But this 835 00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:45,120 Speaker 1: was a cultural difference in my culture. In the Southern 836 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:48,879 Speaker 1: Baptist culture, it is a man's responsibility to take care 837 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,240 Speaker 1: of his son's here and first haircut. It's okay sometimes 838 00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:55,799 Speaker 1: you surprise the mom with a haircut. I took my 839 00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:59,560 Speaker 1: son to get a haircut. In your West Indian Jamaican 840 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:03,200 Speaker 1: vincent and culture, you guys would like to control everything. 841 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:05,399 Speaker 1: So you guys want to be able to tell me 842 00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,080 Speaker 1: when I can get my son's haircut. That's not gonna rock. 843 00:42:09,239 --> 00:42:12,120 Speaker 1: So you're saying Jamaica's and vincensions are controlling people. That 844 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:13,759 Speaker 1: was not the case. I just wanted to be a 845 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,759 Speaker 1: part of it. I just want to experience it with you. 846 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,520 Speaker 1: First of all, I said culture in your culture because 847 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:22,280 Speaker 1: you said to me, you said to me in our culture. 848 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,239 Speaker 1: This is what you said to me. It is not 849 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:27,279 Speaker 1: common for a dad to just take a son to 850 00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:29,719 Speaker 1: the barber to get their haircut. That's not what That's 851 00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:31,920 Speaker 1: not what it is. I said. Typically with my culture, 852 00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,799 Speaker 1: they wait till babies start talking. You have to start 853 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,359 Speaker 1: saying words first before they cut their here. That's that's 854 00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:39,600 Speaker 1: that I don't necessarily subscribe to that. I was just 855 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,400 Speaker 1: more hurt in that moment because I wanted to just 856 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,840 Speaker 1: be there to experience it with you. That was all 857 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:46,359 Speaker 1: like I missed the moment, the same way this mom 858 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,239 Speaker 1: might have felt like she missed the moment. I'm going 859 00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:52,320 Speaker 1: to explain how it's different, right, cutting someone's here to 860 00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,920 Speaker 1: surprise the mom, it's more like surprised I cut our 861 00:42:55,960 --> 00:43:00,839 Speaker 1: son's here, not surprised we got married. That's a big different, yes, 862 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:02,640 Speaker 1: But I'm just saying in terms of feeling hurt that 863 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:05,280 Speaker 1: you were left out in a moment, that's the correlation 864 00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:06,960 Speaker 1: I'm trying to make here. It was a moment in 865 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:08,720 Speaker 1: their child's life that they feel like they were longing. 866 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:11,640 Speaker 1: But it's still apples and oranges. His hair gonna grow back, 867 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:15,480 Speaker 1: their marriage is not gonna grow back. The story I 868 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:18,320 Speaker 1: was just trying to make a correlation about being like correlation. 869 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:23,440 Speaker 1: There was no coral. There was no coral control the correlation. 870 00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:27,240 Speaker 1: But ahead, So yeah, uh huh. That's what I'm saying 871 00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:30,680 Speaker 1: is I think that to me was something that's I'm 872 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,279 Speaker 1: want to say it was preparable. But you have to 873 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,480 Speaker 1: acknowledge that that's that's wrong, right, and it's like, you 874 00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:40,839 Speaker 1: can't you can't help the husband have a relationship with 875 00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:43,279 Speaker 1: his mama rebuild that. That's something that's gonna have to 876 00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:45,480 Speaker 1: happen with him and her um And in terms of 877 00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:48,200 Speaker 1: you fostering a genuine relationship with her, they may have 878 00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:51,239 Speaker 1: to repair that too. Before she even wants to talk 879 00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,400 Speaker 1: to you, sis, because as far as she's concerned, you 880 00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:57,359 Speaker 1: didn't take her baby. She said, it's not about them 881 00:43:57,360 --> 00:44:00,839 Speaker 1: having a bad relationship. They haven't had the best relationships 882 00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:06,600 Speaker 1: since she came in the picture, so clearly, clearly she's 883 00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:10,600 Speaker 1: part of the problem. Now, whether whether she is the 884 00:44:10,640 --> 00:44:13,040 Speaker 1: problem remains to be seen. That can only happen because 885 00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:15,440 Speaker 1: of discussions, but she could be part of the problem. 886 00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:18,880 Speaker 1: For example, Mom might have realized that her son is 887 00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:22,680 Speaker 1: finally taking someone serious. So if Mom is really finally 888 00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:27,120 Speaker 1: realized someone said now she's starting to get like still 889 00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:31,719 Speaker 1: before because she knew that she could, that could be it. 890 00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:35,160 Speaker 1: Or she could realize that I can control those situations 891 00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:38,200 Speaker 1: because my husband my son don't take those women seriously, 892 00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:41,560 Speaker 1: so it's easier to have those relationships because you know, 893 00:44:41,719 --> 00:44:44,759 Speaker 1: like he don't really whatever. But when that one, when 894 00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:48,120 Speaker 1: that one comes around, when that one comes around, and 895 00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:52,400 Speaker 1: now with Thanksgiving, and it's just like, where's the valid 896 00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,080 Speaker 1: Deval was totally here at seven o'clock and then the 897 00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 1: value cone shows in at nine o'clock. Ago I was 898 00:44:56,600 --> 00:45:01,680 Speaker 1: Wickedine's family. Then it's like, oh, you see what I'm saying. 899 00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:05,560 Speaker 1: So all of that happens first, then y'all get married 900 00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:08,080 Speaker 1: and don't tell his mom. I know they need to 901 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,960 Speaker 1: go to therapy. Well, y'all together, especially if you want 902 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,200 Speaker 1: the marriage to thrive and last whatnot, Because as much 903 00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:14,600 Speaker 1: as you want to say, oh, it's just me and 904 00:45:14,680 --> 00:45:16,600 Speaker 1: him and we don't really need nobody and his family 905 00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:19,320 Speaker 1: and his family, no, that's still gonna drive away and 906 00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:21,799 Speaker 1: it's still going to be that elephant in the room 907 00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,200 Speaker 1: every single time. And those conversations are worth happening, Like 908 00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,479 Speaker 1: if you if you really want to build a family unit, yes, yes, 909 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:30,680 Speaker 1: And I, as a mom to four boys, would hope 910 00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:33,239 Speaker 1: that I have a good relationship with my future daughter 911 00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:36,279 Speaker 1: and daughters in law. I hope so too, because I 912 00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,239 Speaker 1: don't want to be having to have those conversations. Dude, 913 00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:42,040 Speaker 1: talk to mom, talk to mom, because Mom, I would 914 00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:45,399 Speaker 1: I would love that actually to have great relationships. I've 915 00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:49,040 Speaker 1: said before, I'm betting daughters in law, anybody from good stock, 916 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:51,600 Speaker 1: if you anything like your mother, that's gonna be gonna 917 00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:55,560 Speaker 1: be difficult. Because your mother was for me to try 918 00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:58,880 Speaker 1: to give you. I know, but you used to the 919 00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:01,960 Speaker 1: test of time. And because I'm gonna renegade. That's why 920 00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:03,560 Speaker 1: I've never been afraid to say what's on. My mom 921 00:46:06,560 --> 00:46:11,719 Speaker 1: had hustle back to the walls, next news letter and 922 00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:13,680 Speaker 1: the Valkadin. I wanted just to say I have so 923 00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:15,680 Speaker 1: much love for you both in your families. I pray 924 00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:20,000 Speaker 1: you that God continues to bless you all your baby's siblings, parents, cousins, friends, 925 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,920 Speaker 1: et cetera, and ways beyond your wildest dreams, and he 926 00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:25,719 Speaker 1: keep you all. Oh this is a prayer girl coaturized about. 927 00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:28,560 Speaker 1: May He keep you all safe, healthy, and prosperous for 928 00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:32,719 Speaker 1: decades and decades to come. Thank you for that I 929 00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:37,760 Speaker 1: received and send that right back to you. My question 930 00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:40,759 Speaker 1: is how can I convince my man that he that 931 00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:45,440 Speaker 1: me wanting to protect myself. Isn't me being confident in 932 00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:50,040 Speaker 1: his ability to protect me? Okay, I'm twenty five years 933 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:52,359 Speaker 1: old and I've been with him since we were both 934 00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:56,040 Speaker 1: twenty one. I got my concealed carry license and the 935 00:46:56,160 --> 00:46:58,400 Speaker 1: first fire on when I was twenty three at the 936 00:46:58,480 --> 00:47:02,040 Speaker 1: encouragement of my parents, who both have theirs. He's from 937 00:47:02,040 --> 00:47:04,120 Speaker 1: a small town in Georgia and I'm from the South 938 00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:06,920 Speaker 1: side of Chicago. He believes that the man is the protector, 939 00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:09,960 Speaker 1: and while I agree, my parents ain't raised no fool, 940 00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:13,279 Speaker 1: I understand this. I'd rather have it and not need 941 00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:17,279 Speaker 1: it than need it and have it. How do I 942 00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:20,120 Speaker 1: convince him that me having a firearm and a CCL 943 00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:23,120 Speaker 1: does not mean that I don't trust his ability to 944 00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:26,080 Speaker 1: protect me. We're not together and people are not so 945 00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,640 Speaker 1: I agree. I pray I never have to use my firearm, 946 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,520 Speaker 1: But my decision to get it had nothing to do 947 00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,360 Speaker 1: with him. It was for me. I'm also surprised that 948 00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:35,560 Speaker 1: he's just now bringing up the issue because I've had 949 00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:37,440 Speaker 1: it for two years and he didn't say anything in 950 00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,560 Speaker 1: the process of me getting it. I don't think he 951 00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:41,960 Speaker 1: took it seriously at first, because I did the concealed 952 00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:47,879 Speaker 1: carry course. But y um, but I waited nearly two 953 00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,960 Speaker 1: months or three start three months before I brought my 954 00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:52,840 Speaker 1: brought my first firearm. It's not a personal attack against 955 00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:54,800 Speaker 1: him or his manliness. Is just that I'm from the 956 00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:59,760 Speaker 1: South side of Chicago, Roselands, the wild Hundreds, the hood hood, 957 00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:02,960 Speaker 1: and the streets don't follow clothes anymore. So I'd rather 958 00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,760 Speaker 1: have the option to protect myself even when he's not around. 959 00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:07,640 Speaker 1: Any thoughts on how I can be considerate of his 960 00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,440 Speaker 1: feelings without compromising what I feel is best for my 961 00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:13,160 Speaker 1: own safety. Thank you in advance if you have the 962 00:48:13,239 --> 00:48:15,640 Speaker 1: time to read and or respond to this email. God 963 00:48:15,680 --> 00:48:21,959 Speaker 1: bless y'all. So Devel is a gun owner, I would 964 00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:24,200 Speaker 1: have been a gun owner a long time ago I 965 00:48:24,280 --> 00:48:28,759 Speaker 1: had my wife been on along with the gun ownership um. 966 00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:30,879 Speaker 1: When I was in the NFL, I bought a gun 967 00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:32,920 Speaker 1: because I wanted to be able to protect my home. 968 00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:34,560 Speaker 1: At the time. I used to go to away games. 969 00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:36,319 Speaker 1: My wife used to be home. I said, Yo, I 970 00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:38,000 Speaker 1: got a gun. I'm gonna teach you how to use it. 971 00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:39,239 Speaker 1: She was just like, I don't want to have to 972 00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:40,759 Speaker 1: use a gun. So I got rid of the gun 973 00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,440 Speaker 1: because she was there by herself, and I got a 974 00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,480 Speaker 1: dog instead. Okay, by guys dog. But now we have 975 00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:50,080 Speaker 1: kids and we have a huge home and mama bear 976 00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:54,280 Speaker 1: here is on a very different page right times. So 977 00:48:54,600 --> 00:48:59,400 Speaker 1: she's like, when are you taking me to the shooting range? 978 00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:02,120 Speaker 1: I want to learn how to do this. She wants 979 00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:05,480 Speaker 1: to get her concealed carrying. She cc L d d L. 980 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:14,759 Speaker 1: I'm good on that, but you definitely get um but not. 981 00:49:15,280 --> 00:49:18,680 Speaker 1: I feel like it's important for black people, particularly to 982 00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:23,440 Speaker 1: understand the importance of carrying a firearm, like it is 983 00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:26,319 Speaker 1: our legal rights Second Amendment right to be able to 984 00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:33,120 Speaker 1: carry weapons legally right, And for centuries, the government and 985 00:49:33,160 --> 00:49:35,440 Speaker 1: the systems that are in place have been used to 986 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:39,160 Speaker 1: stop us from carrying firearms to defend ourselves, right, So 987 00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:42,240 Speaker 1: we can't defend ourselves in our community. They weaponize the police, 988 00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:44,440 Speaker 1: they bring them in our communities. And you see people 989 00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:46,680 Speaker 1: black people dying at a higher rate in white people 990 00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:50,520 Speaker 1: because of gun because of gun issues pretty much, you know, 991 00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:52,279 Speaker 1: like it's the violence is a big thing. So I 992 00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:54,239 Speaker 1: understand I said all that because I understand why people 993 00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:56,720 Speaker 1: are afraid of guns. But with all of I said, 994 00:49:56,800 --> 00:49:59,640 Speaker 1: and all of the violence and gang violence and as 995 00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:02,719 Speaker 1: almost the story but speak but but also I'm not 996 00:50:02,760 --> 00:50:07,479 Speaker 1: gonna say gang violence without saying, uh, school shootings because 997 00:50:07,480 --> 00:50:11,400 Speaker 1: they always put us with gang violence, but we know 998 00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:13,880 Speaker 1: white kids be shooting their classmates, and it's fair to 999 00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,560 Speaker 1: say that because when they talk about game finds, they 1000 00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:18,000 Speaker 1: always say black on black violence, like why don't white 1001 00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,359 Speaker 1: violence don't exist? And all of that is a form 1002 00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:23,720 Speaker 1: of gun violence. But what we're talking about is protecting yourself, 1003 00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:27,040 Speaker 1: especially if you have a property right. If I'm her, 1004 00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:30,719 Speaker 1: I tell my husband or my boyfriend, if you're not 1005 00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:33,719 Speaker 1: here and someone comes in this house to do harm 1006 00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:36,600 Speaker 1: to us or our children or to me, wouldn't you 1007 00:50:36,640 --> 00:50:39,040 Speaker 1: feel better if I had something to protect myself to fact, 1008 00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:41,480 Speaker 1: because you can't do much to FaceTime, bro, you know 1009 00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,200 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like if Cadine face tilling me talking 1010 00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:48,480 Speaker 1: about something about somebody in the house, my first thing is, 1011 00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:53,359 Speaker 1: why didn't you shoot them? Like seriously, like once once 1012 00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:55,080 Speaker 1: you get to this point where you have to protect 1013 00:50:55,120 --> 00:51:00,680 Speaker 1: yourself and your kids be here, especially Cleo into from 1014 00:51:00,719 --> 00:51:05,040 Speaker 1: freaking set it all a fact. I'm that serious, Like 1015 00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,480 Speaker 1: we have a right to protect ourselves, especially if you 1016 00:51:08,480 --> 00:51:12,200 Speaker 1: think about this country in the world. Right, it's Black 1017 00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:15,239 Speaker 1: History months, right. I don't know if people ever heard 1018 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:18,120 Speaker 1: about the it's not called the floating cities. It's the 1019 00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:22,719 Speaker 1: drowned cities in America. There. I think there are over 1020 00:51:23,440 --> 00:51:28,800 Speaker 1: over twenty cities that were all black owned businesses. Central 1021 00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:32,560 Speaker 1: Park out here in Georgia as well too. There's the lakes, 1022 00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,520 Speaker 1: so there are there are lakes in the country. They 1023 00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:38,440 Speaker 1: are man made lakes, and underneath these lakes are cities 1024 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:43,160 Speaker 1: that were once black owned businesses and property that mobs 1025 00:51:43,239 --> 00:51:46,560 Speaker 1: came in because black people started doing well and pretty 1026 00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:49,760 Speaker 1: much burned down the houses, raped the women, killed the children, 1027 00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:52,799 Speaker 1: killed the men, and then they drowned. They pretty much 1028 00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,799 Speaker 1: flooded the cities and now their lakes. That that this 1029 00:51:55,880 --> 00:52:01,680 Speaker 1: culture White America celebrates, right. I feel like during those 1030 00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:04,319 Speaker 1: times it was easier to do things like that to 1031 00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:07,560 Speaker 1: those communities because those communities were not armed the way 1032 00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:11,799 Speaker 1: they were supposed to be armed when mobs came in. Right, 1033 00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:16,600 Speaker 1: If every household had a gun on multiple guns, and 1034 00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:19,640 Speaker 1: everybody mom and dad knew how to use those weapons, 1035 00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:22,080 Speaker 1: it wouldn't have been too many drown cities. You see 1036 00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:25,040 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. But part of it is keeping us docile, right. 1037 00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:27,319 Speaker 1: I don't want to keep my wife docile. If I'm her, 1038 00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:31,160 Speaker 1: I'm telling you and I pray that, like she said, 1039 00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:34,399 Speaker 1: I never have to use it. But me knowing that 1040 00:52:34,440 --> 00:52:37,480 Speaker 1: my wife can handle herself when I'm not around, or 1041 00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:39,680 Speaker 1: and hand do something if my kids get into something, 1042 00:52:39,760 --> 00:52:42,239 Speaker 1: makes me feel so much more confident as a man. 1043 00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:44,840 Speaker 1: You know see what I'm saying. I work, I traveled 1044 00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:49,080 Speaker 1: a lot. I would feel comfortable knowing that my wife 1045 00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:52,600 Speaker 1: has still carry she knows how to use multiple firearms. 1046 00:52:52,600 --> 00:52:54,640 Speaker 1: And on top of that, I'm teaching my sons from 1047 00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:57,279 Speaker 1: young I. I learned how to shoot guns when I 1048 00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:59,440 Speaker 1: was young, being down south. I think we as a 1049 00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:01,640 Speaker 1: people need to understand that learning how to use a 1050 00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:04,160 Speaker 1: firearm is part of the culture we live in inn 1051 00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:06,000 Speaker 1: and then also to the education around it. So we 1052 00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:08,879 Speaker 1: just walk around here willy nearly with not knowing how 1053 00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:12,680 Speaker 1: to assess situations properly, how to have discretion with it 1054 00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:15,440 Speaker 1: either because and you know the problem to you know 1055 00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:19,880 Speaker 1: what I realized too, In places where you have concealed carries, 1056 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:22,359 Speaker 1: right when you know other people may have guns, people 1057 00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:26,640 Speaker 1: a little bit more polite because when you know that 1058 00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:30,120 Speaker 1: that person over there maybe carrying to you ain't gonna 1059 00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:32,759 Speaker 1: be as flipped with your mouth. You understand what I'm 1060 00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:36,040 Speaker 1: saying things and very horribly if they decided that they 1061 00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:38,760 Speaker 1: wanted to write, and and being in New York, for example, 1062 00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:41,720 Speaker 1: where there's no concealed carry and people go into clubs 1063 00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:43,680 Speaker 1: and you have to get padded down and you're not 1064 00:53:43,760 --> 00:53:45,520 Speaker 1: holding anything. When you're going to the clubs, you watch 1065 00:53:45,560 --> 00:53:48,239 Speaker 1: people get drunk and talk crazy and things get out 1066 00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:50,959 Speaker 1: of control as supposed to being in the place where 1067 00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:53,160 Speaker 1: the firearms allowed. Why are people a little bit more 1068 00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:56,560 Speaker 1: calm in those places? You want to know why, because 1069 00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:59,360 Speaker 1: nobody really wants to die. Nobody wants to get popped 1070 00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:01,680 Speaker 1: off on. You know what I'm saying. If I'm her, 1071 00:54:01,719 --> 00:54:04,480 Speaker 1: I'm saying, explain to him the reasons why you need it, 1072 00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:06,600 Speaker 1: and he needs to understand why it's important for his 1073 00:54:06,719 --> 00:54:10,920 Speaker 1: woman to know how to at all at all. And 1074 00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:14,399 Speaker 1: women still deal with attack sexual abuse, and I think 1075 00:54:14,400 --> 00:54:16,200 Speaker 1: it was another one, and I think the rate is 1076 00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:18,640 Speaker 1: five to one when it comes to men. Women are 1077 00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:21,319 Speaker 1: still victims of abuse at a higher rate than men 1078 00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:23,800 Speaker 1: in this country. A woman that knows how to protect herself, 1079 00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:26,719 Speaker 1: to me, is okay, because on top of that, gun 1080 00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:29,080 Speaker 1: k gonna learn how to throw hands. Ever since we've 1081 00:54:29,120 --> 00:54:31,200 Speaker 1: been in college, I've been teaching k all of this 1082 00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:33,240 Speaker 1: stuff that I learned doing martial arts. I did martial 1083 00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:36,160 Speaker 1: arts for seven years, a black belt in taekwondo and 1084 00:54:36,239 --> 00:54:39,000 Speaker 1: jiu jitsu. I told her about when people grab her 1085 00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:42,840 Speaker 1: if some I told all this stuff disabling for I 1086 00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:45,000 Speaker 1: want her to know these things. So hopefully he listens 1087 00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:47,600 Speaker 1: and yes, absolutely like she said, hopefully she won't ever 1088 00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:49,560 Speaker 1: have to use it. All. Right, y'all, if you want 1089 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:51,160 Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, be 1090 00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:53,800 Speaker 1: sure to email us at Gmail. Sorry, not at gmail 1091 00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:57,040 Speaker 1: at gmail, but dead ask Advice at gmail dot com. 1092 00:54:57,080 --> 00:54:59,120 Speaker 1: That's d E A d A S S A d 1093 00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:02,800 Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Moment of 1094 00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:04,959 Speaker 1: truth time, going back to I feel like we spoke 1095 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:08,000 Speaker 1: about so much, but going back to your your daddy 1096 00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:11,080 Speaker 1: moment that you had, moment of truth. My moment of 1097 00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:13,799 Speaker 1: truth is very simple. I'm unapologetic about how hard I 1098 00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:16,840 Speaker 1: am on my boys because we existed in society that 1099 00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:20,040 Speaker 1: doesn't view black boys the same as everyone else. So 1100 00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:23,000 Speaker 1: I cannot listen to the world when they say this 1101 00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:25,399 Speaker 1: is how you should range your children. You're not even 1102 00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:27,600 Speaker 1: coming from a perspective of dealing with things that me, 1103 00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:29,279 Speaker 1: as a black father, have to deal with with my 1104 00:55:29,360 --> 00:55:32,279 Speaker 1: black sons. So I'm going to parent my boys the 1105 00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:35,000 Speaker 1: way I know how best and I'm unapologetic about it. 1106 00:55:35,120 --> 00:55:37,000 Speaker 1: That's a fact because you two have been a black 1107 00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,040 Speaker 1: boy once and yes, black man, so you understand what 1108 00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:42,600 Speaker 1: it takes. And I that being said, I have never 1109 00:55:42,640 --> 00:55:45,600 Speaker 1: been in that position. Um, But I do know as 1110 00:55:45,640 --> 00:55:49,280 Speaker 1: a black woman raising four black boys, that I agree 1111 00:55:49,360 --> 00:55:52,000 Speaker 1: with you on that. Um. But my moment of truth 1112 00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:57,360 Speaker 1: is um knowing as parents went to I went to 1113 00:55:57,400 --> 00:55:59,759 Speaker 1: know how to address your children when you need to 1114 00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:02,360 Speaker 1: apologize for something that may not have been right in 1115 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:06,040 Speaker 1: that moment, and not just always falling on the idea 1116 00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,600 Speaker 1: that I'm the parent, I know better, I know best, 1117 00:56:08,640 --> 00:56:13,000 Speaker 1: where you know that potentially you were not correct in 1118 00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:16,520 Speaker 1: that situation and being okay with apologizing to your children 1119 00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:19,920 Speaker 1: and acknowledging your wrongs in that moment and letting them 1120 00:56:19,920 --> 00:56:22,680 Speaker 1: know that there's a space space for the apology to 1121 00:56:22,719 --> 00:56:25,120 Speaker 1: take place and for understanding to be had, because I 1122 00:56:25,160 --> 00:56:29,120 Speaker 1: think that's equally as important as the way we're raising them. Yes, 1123 00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:31,760 Speaker 1: and before we get off, I want to get it correct. 1124 00:56:31,760 --> 00:56:35,040 Speaker 1: The name of it is called drowned towns. So go 1125 00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:39,320 Speaker 1: google drowned towns and see exactly what I'm talking about, 1126 00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:42,360 Speaker 1: and you'll understand why we as black people need to 1127 00:56:42,960 --> 00:56:45,479 Speaker 1: have firearm to defend ourselves in our own homes. There 1128 00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:48,319 Speaker 1: we go, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us 1129 00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:50,920 Speaker 1: on social media if you have not already that asked 1130 00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:53,040 Speaker 1: the podcast, and you can find me at Cadeen I 1131 00:56:53,080 --> 00:56:55,200 Speaker 1: Am and I Am Devout. And if you're listening on 1132 00:56:55,280 --> 00:57:00,400 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, be sure to wait, review, and subscribe. Season 1133 00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:06,120 Speaker 1: seven Y'alls. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart 1134 00:57:06,160 --> 00:57:08,960 Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noora Opinion 1135 00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:12,439 Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead 1136 00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:14,359 Speaker 1: as to Podcasts and never miss a thing