WEBVTT - Rainn Wilson and Maya on Navigating Change and Identity 

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<v Speaker 1>Pushkin. Hey everyone. Earlier this year, I did a bunch

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<v Speaker 1>of interviews for the launch of my book, The Other

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<v Speaker 1>Side of Change. One of them was with the actor

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<v Speaker 1>and comedian Rain Wilson, best known as Dwight from The Office.

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<v Speaker 1>Rain and I covered so much ground in this conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>We talked about the science of language development, my experience

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<v Speaker 1>creating a job in the Obama White House, Rain's personal

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<v Speaker 1>reflections on faith and meditation, and what led me to

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<v Speaker 1>select each of the stories that appear in my book.

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<v Speaker 1>I really hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as

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<v Speaker 1>I did.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey there, it's me Rain Wilson, and I want to

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<v Speaker 2>dig into the human experience. I want to have conversations

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<v Speaker 2>about a spiritual revolution. Let's get deep with our favorite thinkers, friends,

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<v Speaker 2>and entertainers about life, meaning, and idiocy. Welcome to the

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<v Speaker 2>soul Boom Podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Hi Maya, Hi Rain.

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<v Speaker 2>It's so nice to meet you.

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<v Speaker 1>It's so nice to meet you too. Thanks for having me.

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<v Speaker 2>I've so enjoyed your new book.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm really excited to talk.

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<v Speaker 2>To you about it.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you. This means a lot.

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<v Speaker 2>It's called The Other Side of Change.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, Okay, Who we become when life makes other plans.

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<v Speaker 2>And you have become many things, a podcaster and a

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<v Speaker 2>best selling author and a cognitive scientist on the other

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<v Speaker 2>side of other.

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<v Speaker 1>Plans, lots of other plans.

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<v Speaker 2>In a weird way, this just evokes for me something

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<v Speaker 2>that I've been undergoing over the last few years in

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<v Speaker 2>my fifties, which is my whole life was acting as

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<v Speaker 2>soon as I started. Why I started later. I started

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<v Speaker 2>like sixteen seventeen, and then pursued it through college and

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<v Speaker 2>went to to you know, repertory school and theater and

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<v Speaker 2>off Broadway and tours and you know, just trying to

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<v Speaker 2>build my career, get a little bit better agent, and

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<v Speaker 2>get a little bit better job and make a little

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<v Speaker 2>money and try and support myself and study, and then

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<v Speaker 2>of course with Dwight here I am like having kind

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<v Speaker 2>of hit this home run, Like here's a great memorable

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<v Speaker 2>character that is in the cultural zeitgeist and consciousness. Apparently

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<v Speaker 2>it's the most shared person or character on like the

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<v Speaker 2>what do they call the emojis or don't know what

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<v Speaker 2>are those called JITs?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, Like it's the most shared, like Jiff, Yes, I'm

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<v Speaker 3>one of the shares. You've shared a lot of white

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<v Speaker 3>gifts So there's my big weird face being shared millions

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<v Speaker 3>of times.

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<v Speaker 1>And I mean it was. It's just one of the

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<v Speaker 1>most superb characters that exists on TV.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's in a weird way. My entire life led

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<v Speaker 2>up to creating that character, because that's like I said,

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<v Speaker 2>when I was in acting school, we learned how to

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<v Speaker 2>create characters and play absurd circumstances with great seriousness, and

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<v Speaker 2>create kind of clown and inhabit the body and do

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<v Speaker 2>physical comedy that still felt, you know, grounded in the

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<v Speaker 2>real world. Like I had a lot of training that

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<v Speaker 2>led up to to Dwight and a lot of different

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<v Speaker 2>roles that and since Dwight, I've played a ton of

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<v Speaker 2>really cool roles that are very different than Dwight. Not

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of people have seen those roles, but that's okay.

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<v Speaker 2>There've been some great movies and other TV shows and

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<v Speaker 2>theater and and whatnot. But I've had a couple of

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<v Speaker 2>people say like, oh, so have you left acting now.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like, well, no, I just had a movie come

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<v Speaker 2>out and I'm doing another thing and just was you know,

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<v Speaker 2>on Broadway. And they're like, oh, I thought you'd left

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<v Speaker 2>acting to be a part and author and talk about

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<v Speaker 2>spirituality and the human experience and they So the public

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<v Speaker 2>perception in a lot of ways is shifting, like oh,

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<v Speaker 2>is that guy still an actor or has he moved

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<v Speaker 2>into another line of work. And it's been it's been

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<v Speaker 2>an interesting shift internally for me, like how I've lived,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, thirty years plus as an actor being my

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<v Speaker 2>existential identity and now I'm also doing this other thing.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm hoping to do both. I'm hoping to write books

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<v Speaker 2>and have conversations like this and occasionally play a silly,

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<v Speaker 2>weird character in a TV show or a film or

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<v Speaker 2>something like that, and I think that's how it's going

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<v Speaker 2>to work out. But it it has been. It has

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<v Speaker 2>been a shift of like, oh, yeah, this is a

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<v Speaker 2>new this is a new identity beyond Rainn Wilson slash actor.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes. I so resonate with that because I feel like,

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<v Speaker 1>for basically all of my childhood, I was a violinist

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<v Speaker 1>before I was even maya. I mean, that was the

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<v Speaker 1>primary label that I gave myself. And one of the

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<v Speaker 1>things that I've learned since then, you know, now I

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<v Speaker 1>study change and how we process change, is that so

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<v Speaker 1>many of us anchor our identity, so firmly to what

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<v Speaker 1>we do, to the roles we inhabit, to certain labels,

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<v Speaker 1>and there's a lot of value in doing that right.

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<v Speaker 1>Being an actor gives you a sense of camaraderie with

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<v Speaker 1>your fellow actors. Being an actor gives you meaning and

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<v Speaker 1>drive every day and maybe helped stave off existential angst

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<v Speaker 1>because you know what your goals are for the day,

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<v Speaker 1>and you have a filming schedule and what have you.

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<v Speaker 1>But the risk of tethering your self identity too closely

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<v Speaker 1>to what you do is that life can effortlessly get

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<v Speaker 1>in the way it deny you the ability to do

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<v Speaker 1>that thing. And so one technique that I've learned only

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<v Speaker 1>recently that has helped me whether change better in my

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<v Speaker 1>own life is to define myself not simply by what

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<v Speaker 1>I do, but by why I do it. So to

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<v Speaker 1>ask myself, well, what is at the core of my

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<v Speaker 1>passions for music or for the other things that I love?

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<v Speaker 1>And when I asked that question about music specifically, I realized, oh, well,

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<v Speaker 1>emotional connection is definitely the number one thing that drove

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<v Speaker 1>me towards music. I also loved getting better at something.

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<v Speaker 1>It's great to improve and see progress in that way.

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<v Speaker 1>I love being creative if you can make that community

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<v Speaker 1>that you found. So, if I could define my identity

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<v Speaker 1>in that way, oh, I'm a person who loves emotional connection.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a person who loves having creative outlets. Then the

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<v Speaker 1>exercise in the face of a big change is to

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<v Speaker 1>figure out, well through what other outlets can I express

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<v Speaker 1>this part of myself. And it turns out subconsciously, I

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<v Speaker 1>have actually found pursuits in which I can forge those

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<v Speaker 1>emotional connections. Right, as a cognitive scientist, I study the

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<v Speaker 1>science of connection, as a writer, as a podcast host

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<v Speaker 1>of a slight change of plans, the whole enterprise is

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<v Speaker 1>about having these deep, emotional, rich conversations with other people, right,

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<v Speaker 1>And so I would urge people who are listening to

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<v Speaker 1>ask themselves, what is what is my why? What is

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<v Speaker 1>the thing that makes me tick? Maybe it's giving to

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<v Speaker 1>my community, maybe it's learning something new, maybe it's caring

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<v Speaker 1>for others in times of need. Whatever that why is,

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<v Speaker 1>it can serve as a soft landing when that anvil

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<v Speaker 1>falls from the sky and you don't know who you

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<v Speaker 1>are anymore, and it can be a north star that

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<v Speaker 1>helps guide you towards your next thing because it will

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<v Speaker 1>still be very much intact, you know, like, just because

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<v Speaker 1>I love the violin didn't mean that I lost what

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<v Speaker 1>led me to love it in the first place. So

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<v Speaker 1>my dad's a theoretical physicist. He has no musical connections.

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<v Speaker 1>But what he told me when I learned that I

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<v Speaker 1>could not play the violin was, look, you've been wearing

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<v Speaker 1>blinders for the last ten years, and so your understanding

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<v Speaker 1>of the world is very very small. Your job, and

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<v Speaker 1>I remember this was the summer before college, he said,

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<v Speaker 1>your job is to expose yourself to as many domains

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<v Speaker 1>as you possibly can. I want you to read books,

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<v Speaker 1>I want you to watch documentaries. I want you to

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<v Speaker 1>talk to people that you find fascinating, absorb everything like

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<v Speaker 1>a sponge, but importantly, do it without an end goal

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<v Speaker 1>in mind. So I don't want you to limit yourself

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<v Speaker 1>too quickly because you think I have to figure out

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<v Speaker 1>what my major is going to be in college. And

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<v Speaker 1>good thing he gave me that guidance rang.

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<v Speaker 2>Because you could have jumped to I'm going to play

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<v Speaker 2>the tuba now.

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<v Speaker 1>Exactly, or something I was familiar with, right, I'd be

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<v Speaker 1>like I liked history in high school. Maybe I'll be

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<v Speaker 1>a history major. Good thing he gave me that advice

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<v Speaker 1>because I literally didn't even know cognitive science was a discipline.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't know that it was an area of study.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't know what those words meant. And it was

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<v Speaker 1>only when I stumbled upon a book by the Harvard

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<v Speaker 1>psychologist Stephen Pinker, It's called The Language Instinct, that I

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<v Speaker 1>was again onspired, very different experience, obviously than when I

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<v Speaker 1>was listening to Beethoven in my bed, you know, as

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<v Speaker 1>a ten or eleven year old. But I was reading

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<v Speaker 1>this book and it was giving me insight into this

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<v Speaker 1>miraculous organ that is our brain and what is going

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<v Speaker 1>on behind the scenes that gives rise to our unbelievable

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<v Speaker 1>capacity for language. I mean, we just take for granted,

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<v Speaker 1>like right now, in this moment, you and I are

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<v Speaker 1>having the super I think, it's a super fun conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>This stuff that's happening in your brain in order to

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<v Speaker 1>process what I'm producing, and the stuff that's happening in

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<v Speaker 1>my brain to produce what I'm producing, is just truly

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<v Speaker 1>extraordinary when you think about the cognitive machinery. And I

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<v Speaker 1>thought to myself, oh my god, if this is what's

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<v Speaker 1>going on behind the scenes for language. Then what's happening

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<v Speaker 1>when not we I didn't inherit my dad's physics genes,

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<v Speaker 1>but when my dad solves a complex mathematics equation, or

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<v Speaker 1>we fall in love, or we extend forgiveness to someone,

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<v Speaker 1>like it just lit up my imagination about all these fascinating.

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<v Speaker 2>Topics talking about consciousness, yes, which is much bigger than

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<v Speaker 2>necessarily just the brain or what goes on neurologically in

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<v Speaker 2>the brain, because all of these different aspects. And let's

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<v Speaker 2>go back to the language for a minute, because I always

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<v Speaker 2>think about this like I think about the word mountain, Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>Like if you see a bunch of scratches on a

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<v Speaker 2>paper with a M and it says mountain, So that's

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<v Speaker 2>another level of it. Like you're reading these symbols, these glyphs,

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<v Speaker 2>and you know exactly what it means, but is it exact?

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<v Speaker 2>What is that mean? When you see the word mountain,

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<v Speaker 2>what do you think of? Do you think of like

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<v Speaker 2>archetypal mountain? Do you think of like a kid drawing

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<v Speaker 2>like a mountain? Do you think of a mountain from

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<v Speaker 2>your childhood? You think about some kind of union arc

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<v Speaker 2>type of mountain, or some kind of plato higher form

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<v Speaker 2>of what a mountain is. And then when then we

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<v Speaker 2>start using it metaphorically, then we're like, that's a this

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<v Speaker 2>is a mountain too high for me to climb, or

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<v Speaker 2>that was a tough mountain for me to get over,

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<v Speaker 2>or there's you know, mountains ahead of me, or like

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<v Speaker 2>the Hastiens say, you know mountains beyond mountains. It starts

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<v Speaker 2>to have all these reverberations about what a mountain means.

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<v Speaker 2>It's it's solidity, and it's insurmountable, but sometimes surmountable when

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<v Speaker 2>you reach the peak of the mountain. So all of

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<v Speaker 2>a sudden, these these glyphs go to an idea and

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<v Speaker 2>the ideas in your brain that is connected to what

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<v Speaker 2>an actual mountain is. We went over here and saw

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<v Speaker 2>Mount Whitney's, but it reverberates on so many different levels.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you for sharing in my passion for linguistics. It

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<v Speaker 1>was actually my concentration when I was a cognitive science maker.

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<v Speaker 2>How about that?

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<v Speaker 1>Because I am fascinated by all the things you just said,

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<v Speaker 1>and I remember learning or just just just really just

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<v Speaker 1>having a moment of recognition when we were learning about

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<v Speaker 1>child language development. So a kid hears a bunch of

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<v Speaker 1>incoming auditory streams all the time, and sometimes in multiple languages,

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<v Speaker 1>depending on the household they grow up in. Right, no

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<v Speaker 1>one is formally teaching them grammatical structures. No one's teaching

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<v Speaker 1>them explicitly. Oh, this is where one word begins and

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<v Speaker 1>the next word ends. We don't pause between words. Right now,

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<v Speaker 1>your brain is parsing the words effortlessly because it knows

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<v Speaker 1>semantically that each thing means a distinct thing.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, this is what's happening. This is what's happening in

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<v Speaker 2>my brain. Toilet paper, head of broccoli, bananas, raw on almonds.

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<v Speaker 2>I've got my Trader Joe's shot, and I should be

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<v Speaker 2>listening to what you're saying.

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<v Speaker 1>Multitasking is fine, Okay, yeah, totally, and keep going. Trader

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<v Speaker 1>Joe's has actually my favorite almonds, So I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>a good choice. All right, you chose well. And so

0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:20.320
<v Speaker 1>I find it miraculous that these little beings and their brains, yeah,

0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:23.240
<v Speaker 1>can take all of that in and within a short

0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:26.600
<v Speaker 1>amount of time, are like, yep, I understand how to

0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:29.480
<v Speaker 1>produce sentences, and I know exactly what you're saying to me,

0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:32.400
<v Speaker 1>despite the fact that you know it's just a streamist

0:13:32.559 --> 0:13:36.640
<v Speaker 1>of sounds it's crazy, it's crazy, it's so onspiring.

0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:39.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but what do you think about that, that level

0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:44.280
<v Speaker 2>of meaning of a word of like symbols, symbol of mountain,

0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:47.480
<v Speaker 2>the shape of mountain, the archetype of mountain, the reality

0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:48.960
<v Speaker 2>of mountain, the metaphor of mountain.

0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:50.240
<v Speaker 1>I think a lot of it has to do with

0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:52.920
<v Speaker 1>the state, the emotional state we're primed to be in. Right,

0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:56.680
<v Speaker 1>if you're at say a yoga retreat, and you're asked

0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:58.840
<v Speaker 1>the thing about mountains, you might have a more abstract

0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:01.680
<v Speaker 1>image that comes to mind. Right, But if you are

0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:06.480
<v Speaker 1>driving exactly and you're you have a map in front

0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:07.920
<v Speaker 1>of you and you're trying to just figure out which

0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:09.840
<v Speaker 1>peak to go to in order to go skiing, yeah,

0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:12.200
<v Speaker 1>you might have a slightly more literal image come to mind.

0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:15.160
<v Speaker 1>So I think we're all capable of the continuum of

0:14:15.480 --> 0:14:18.160
<v Speaker 1>you know, very concrete to very abstract. It just depends

0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:20.200
<v Speaker 1>on the mental state we happen to be in.

0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:23.720
<v Speaker 2>How do you end up in the Obama White House

0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:26.240
<v Speaker 2>with a degree in cognitive science?

0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:26.600
<v Speaker 3>How does that?

0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:29.560
<v Speaker 2>How does that work? I've never heard of that before.

0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:33.560
<v Speaker 2>I've never heard of a cognitive scientist working for some

0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:36.800
<v Speaker 2>kind of political administration.

0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:39.880
<v Speaker 1>That wasn't such a role, so that would make sense.

0:14:40.880 --> 0:14:44.120
<v Speaker 1>So I got my PhD and then my postdoc in

0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:48.920
<v Speaker 1>cognitive neuroscience, and I when I was doing my postdoc,

0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:52.120
<v Speaker 1>I was studying decision making. So I was studying all

0:14:52.160 --> 0:14:55.240
<v Speaker 1>the biases that drive the decisions we make, how we

0:14:55.280 --> 0:14:58.120
<v Speaker 1>develop our attitudes and beliefs, how we think about risk

0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:01.040
<v Speaker 1>when we're trying to make a decision, when we have regrets,

0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:07.160
<v Speaker 1>how our emotional states differ depending on our risk tolerance. Right,

0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:10.240
<v Speaker 1>It's just like a fascinating number of questions. And I

0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:14.400
<v Speaker 1>was also realizing that, oh crap, I don't think academia

0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:16.520
<v Speaker 1>is for me, which is one of those moments that

0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:18.960
<v Speaker 1>you're hoping won't happen to you when you've spent ten

0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:22.600
<v Speaker 1>years studying a field. So I remember calling my undergrad advisor.

0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:25.760
<v Speaker 1>I remember it. I was in the basement of a

0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:29.520
<v Speaker 1>Stanford MRI fMRI laboratory and I was scanning like the

0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:31.880
<v Speaker 1>tenth person's brain for the day as part of the study.

0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:35.280
<v Speaker 1>And there's no windows, and it's this dark room, and

0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:39.160
<v Speaker 1>I thought that this is a terrible fit for me

0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:41.480
<v Speaker 1>and my personality. I like working on teams, I like

0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:45.520
<v Speaker 1>having a really you know, vibrant environment and seeing impact

0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.000
<v Speaker 1>really quickly, and academia doesn't lend itself to a lot

0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:51.280
<v Speaker 1>of those things, and so or often doesn't. And so

0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:53.440
<v Speaker 1>I called my advisor and I was like, okay, jumping ship,

0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:55.320
<v Speaker 1>thank you so much for your service, thank you for

0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.320
<v Speaker 1>getting me to love this topic. But I'm not interested.

0:15:57.640 --> 0:16:00.560
<v Speaker 1>And she said, no, no, no, wait, wait wait, I just

0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:03.040
<v Speaker 1>went to a conference where I heard about how they're

0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:07.520
<v Speaker 1>using insights from cognitive science from behavioral science to improve

0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:10.560
<v Speaker 1>people's lives in the US. He said, Okay, tell me more.

0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.320
<v Speaker 1>She said, well, there's a program called the National School

0:16:13.400 --> 0:16:16.680
<v Speaker 1>Lunch Program. It gives lunches to free or reduced price

0:16:16.760 --> 0:16:22.600
<v Speaker 1>lunches to low income kids, and unfortunately, millions of kids

0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:26.200
<v Speaker 1>were going hungry every day, despite the fact that despite

0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:30.120
<v Speaker 1>the fact the program was offered to so many and

0:16:30.160 --> 0:16:32.880
<v Speaker 1>they ran a behavioral audit of the program and realized

0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:35.520
<v Speaker 1>that there were at least two factors that were contributing

0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:40.560
<v Speaker 1>to low enrollment rates. The first was stigma. A lot

0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:42.560
<v Speaker 1>of these parents were like, I work really hard. I

0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:45.479
<v Speaker 1>don't want my kids depending on the federal government for assistance.

0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:49.760
<v Speaker 1>And then there was also just the barrier, the outsize

0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:52.800
<v Speaker 1>barrier that these families faced of having to fill out

0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:57.440
<v Speaker 1>very very complicated forms that require referencing multiple tax documents

0:16:57.480 --> 0:16:59.640
<v Speaker 1>and oh, by the way, if you get some field wrong,

0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:04.840
<v Speaker 1>you might face you know, also tells t is exactly

0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:08.800
<v Speaker 1>fraud and think it. Put yourself in the shoes of

0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:11.240
<v Speaker 1>a single mom who's working three shifts to make ends meet.

0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:13.639
<v Speaker 1>It's non trivial for her to fill out this form

0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:15.760
<v Speaker 1>and to figure out a way to get their boss

0:17:16.119 --> 0:17:18.160
<v Speaker 1>to approve a lunch break in order to go mail

0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:19.880
<v Speaker 1>it exactly at the time that you're suppos to mail

0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:21.919
<v Speaker 1>it in order to get enrolled, right, And so we

0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.199
<v Speaker 1>can sometimes underestimate those barriers when we forget about the

0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:28.879
<v Speaker 1>time and resource constraints that families face in the country,

0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:32.960
<v Speaker 1>and by we m at policymakers. And so what the

0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:36.800
<v Speaker 1>government did was leverage a really elegant insight from my field,

0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:39.679
<v Speaker 1>which is called the power of the default option. They

0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:43.679
<v Speaker 1>simply change the program from an opt in program to

0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:47.400
<v Speaker 1>an opt out program. So by virtue of being opt out,

0:17:47.600 --> 0:17:52.200
<v Speaker 1>everyone's now automatically enrolled. Stigma's gone. Parents only have to

0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:54.879
<v Speaker 1>take an active step if they want to unenroll. Their

0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:58.080
<v Speaker 1>kid from the program, and as a result of this

0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:00.879
<v Speaker 1>slight tweak in the way the Paul's he was designed,

0:18:01.400 --> 0:18:03.920
<v Speaker 1>twelve and a half million more kids were now eating

0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:05.000
<v Speaker 1>lunch at school every day.

0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:06.360
<v Speaker 2>Wow, that's amazing.

0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:09.159
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. So I heard this example and I said to

0:18:09.200 --> 0:18:12.640
<v Speaker 1>my undergrad advisor, that's the job that I want to do.

0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:15.840
<v Speaker 1>And she said, well, the job doesn't exist, but let

0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:19.159
<v Speaker 1>me connect you with this guy, Cass Sunstein, who was

0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:22.359
<v Speaker 1>running an office at the White House, and maybe he

0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:24.760
<v Speaker 1>can help. So I email him and I'm like, Hey,

0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:27.879
<v Speaker 1>I'm Maya. I've published nothing of significance, i have no

0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:31.040
<v Speaker 1>public policy experience, I'm not cool enough to work with

0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:33.440
<v Speaker 1>the likes of Obama. But is there a state or

0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:36.280
<v Speaker 1>local government job that I might be able to translate

0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:39.959
<v Speaker 1>insights from my field into public policy improvements? And fortunately

0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:42.719
<v Speaker 1>for me, Cass ignored all of my insecurities that were

0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:45.680
<v Speaker 1>just seeping out of this email, and he wrote again,

0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:48.440
<v Speaker 1>kindness of strangers. He wrote back to me and said,

0:18:49.200 --> 0:18:52.840
<v Speaker 1>here's Obama's science advisor's email. Send him a note and

0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:55.600
<v Speaker 1>let him know I passed you along. And two days

0:18:55.680 --> 0:19:00.000
<v Speaker 1>later I was interviewing for a job that didn't exist,

0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:02.760
<v Speaker 1>and I pitched them on the idea of not just

0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:05.800
<v Speaker 1>creating a job that was dedicated to the translation of

0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:09.480
<v Speaker 1>behavioral science into policy, but also like, could they maybe

0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:11.920
<v Speaker 1>kind of hire me for that job as well, Right,

0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:15.120
<v Speaker 1>and so yeah, it's just kind of wild to think

0:19:15.160 --> 0:19:19.280
<v Speaker 1>back to this period, but it all worked out after

0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:22.320
<v Speaker 1>you know, all the FBI clearances and whatnot and getting

0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:25.600
<v Speaker 1>the role approved, and then a couple months later I

0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:27.320
<v Speaker 1>started working in the White House and I worked there

0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:29.360
<v Speaker 1>for the entirety of Obama's second term.

0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:31.840
<v Speaker 2>Amazing, that's so cool.

0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:33.040
<v Speaker 1>It was so cool.

0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:35.800
<v Speaker 2>What policies then did you work on? You worked in

0:19:35.880 --> 0:19:38.080
<v Speaker 2>Flint a good deal with the water crisis.

0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:42.320
<v Speaker 1>Yes, So we worked with so many different government agencies,

0:19:42.400 --> 0:19:45.440
<v Speaker 1>so we did a lot of light touch interventions given that,

0:19:45.960 --> 0:19:48.080
<v Speaker 1>you know, there weren't a lot of funds to devote

0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:51.679
<v Speaker 1>to radical program overhauls. So instead, what we tried to

0:19:51.720 --> 0:19:54.760
<v Speaker 1>do was to take existing programs and make sure that

0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:58.440
<v Speaker 1>the people they were designed to benefit were actually receiving them.

0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:00.880
<v Speaker 1>And so a good example is the there are these

0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:04.360
<v Speaker 1>very helpful veterans benefits that we give to people when

0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:07.679
<v Speaker 1>they're transitioning from military life to civilian life, which can

0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:10.760
<v Speaker 1>be really fraught with a lot of psychological challenges and

0:20:11.040 --> 0:20:15.280
<v Speaker 1>educational and job challenges and not enough. That's we're signing up.

0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:18.359
<v Speaker 1>And we were told, okay, there's one email that you

0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:22.560
<v Speaker 1>can you know, change. That's all the money we have,

0:20:22.600 --> 0:20:25.000
<v Speaker 1>and we'll run a very simple A B test And

0:20:25.080 --> 0:20:27.240
<v Speaker 1>we ended up changing just one word in the email.

0:20:27.400 --> 0:20:30.960
<v Speaker 1>Instead of telling veterans that they were eligible for the program,

0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:34.000
<v Speaker 1>we simply reminded them that they had earned it through

0:20:34.040 --> 0:20:34.840
<v Speaker 1>their years of service.

0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:35.840
<v Speaker 2>Wow, that's so cool.

0:20:35.960 --> 0:20:38.240
<v Speaker 1>And that one word change led to a nine percent

0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:39.680
<v Speaker 1>increase in access to the venement.

0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:41.480
<v Speaker 2>This goes back to linguistics, right.

0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:43.480
<v Speaker 1>Linguistics. Absolutely, it's actually.

0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:47.000
<v Speaker 2>Leveraging feeling of like, you know, you can opt in

0:20:47.040 --> 0:20:50.320
<v Speaker 2>for this versus you've earned this right through your work,

0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:53.520
<v Speaker 2>through your service to our country. There's a it triggers

0:20:53.520 --> 0:20:54.480
<v Speaker 2>some pride.

0:20:54.720 --> 0:20:58.080
<v Speaker 1>One hundred percent. It's leveraging an insight known as the

0:20:58.200 --> 0:21:01.240
<v Speaker 1>endowment effect, which says that we've value things more when

0:21:01.280 --> 0:21:03.960
<v Speaker 1>we own them. So for example, if I owned which

0:21:04.000 --> 0:21:06.879
<v Speaker 1>I hope I do. At the end of this is interview,

0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:10.520
<v Speaker 1>this wonderful sorry, no mug when we own things.

0:21:10.520 --> 0:21:12.880
<v Speaker 2>Or how good the rest of the interview goes.

0:21:14.160 --> 0:21:16.800
<v Speaker 1>Or we feel we have earned something. So, like you said,

0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:19.119
<v Speaker 1>now it's not something that they're going to gain, it's

0:21:19.119 --> 0:21:21.320
<v Speaker 1>something they now have to lose because they've already gotten

0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:23.320
<v Speaker 1>this benefit. So we did that sort of work, and

0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:26.399
<v Speaker 1>we worked across the government, so helping student loan borrowers,

0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:33.159
<v Speaker 1>helping caregivers of wounded vets, helping military service members, and

0:21:33.240 --> 0:21:36.320
<v Speaker 1>rolling retirement savings plans. And then towards the end of them.

0:21:36.680 --> 0:21:41.520
<v Speaker 2>You're talking about making government programs more effective and service

0:21:41.560 --> 0:21:45.920
<v Speaker 2>oriented instead of cutting them to the bone and eliminating

0:21:45.960 --> 0:21:49.679
<v Speaker 2>them and getting rid of them, making government more effective.

0:21:49.800 --> 0:21:52.840
<v Speaker 1>That's it was a different time. Rain. It's a different time,

0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:56.200
<v Speaker 1>my friend, makes me quite nostalgic to think back. But yes,

0:21:56.280 --> 0:22:00.520
<v Speaker 1>we are starry eyed and bushy tailed, and we really

0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:03.520
<v Speaker 1>believed that government could do great things for people, and

0:22:03.600 --> 0:22:06.199
<v Speaker 1>it does do great things for people. We wanted to

0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:08.399
<v Speaker 1>just improve the way that it serves people.

0:22:08.480 --> 0:22:09.639
<v Speaker 2>Did you go to public school?

0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:11.560
<v Speaker 1>I did go to public I didn't do as well.

0:22:11.640 --> 0:22:15.919
<v Speaker 2>What an amazing service our government provided for us that

0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:20.200
<v Speaker 2>we had public school and we were able to get

0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:24.480
<v Speaker 2>great foundational education and move on and to be podcasters.

0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:26.280
<v Speaker 1>I know look at what we did.

0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:28.800
<v Speaker 2>But it reminds me too of I do some work.

0:22:29.200 --> 0:22:31.680
<v Speaker 2>My wife and I started a nonprofit eleven years ago

0:22:31.760 --> 0:22:36.920
<v Speaker 2>in Haiti in girls' education, and one of the things

0:22:36.920 --> 0:22:41.720
<v Speaker 2>we learned early on in terms of doing education service

0:22:41.800 --> 0:22:45.439
<v Speaker 2>projects in the developing world is you never offer free

0:22:46.800 --> 0:22:53.160
<v Speaker 2>education because people will simply view it as not very good, yeah,

0:22:53.200 --> 0:22:56.280
<v Speaker 2>not valuable. Yeah, but if you put a value, even

0:22:56.320 --> 0:22:59.560
<v Speaker 2>if it's very small to say like, no, this is

0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:01.960
<v Speaker 2>going to cause us to you acts and then fifty

0:23:02.000 --> 0:23:03.919
<v Speaker 2>cents or whatever like, but you're going to have to

0:23:03.960 --> 0:23:06.720
<v Speaker 2>like put in they feel like, oh, this is this

0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:09.240
<v Speaker 2>is something worthwhile that have.

0:23:09.119 --> 0:23:12.120
<v Speaker 1>Skin in the game, basically, yeah and so. And then,

0:23:12.160 --> 0:23:14.920
<v Speaker 1>like you said, towards the end of the administration, we

0:23:15.480 --> 0:23:19.000
<v Speaker 1>my teammates and I traveled to Flint, Michigan because of

0:23:19.040 --> 0:23:22.399
<v Speaker 1>the lead and water crisis, which we very quickly learned

0:23:22.520 --> 0:23:24.600
<v Speaker 1>was about so much more than lead and water.

0:23:24.800 --> 0:23:26.639
<v Speaker 2>Okay, we initially were.

0:23:26.560 --> 0:23:30.120
<v Speaker 1>Tasked, yeah, we were initially tasked with creating water safety

0:23:30.160 --> 0:23:33.280
<v Speaker 1>fact sheets and making sure that they had, you know,

0:23:33.359 --> 0:23:36.639
<v Speaker 1>actual information that was clear and totally in line with

0:23:36.680 --> 0:23:40.480
<v Speaker 1>what the EPA was recommending. But then when you when

0:23:40.520 --> 0:23:42.560
<v Speaker 1>you go on the ground, you realize, oh, wait a second,

0:23:43.760 --> 0:23:46.159
<v Speaker 1>this is a symptom of a much, much bigger problem,

0:23:46.200 --> 0:23:52.960
<v Speaker 1>which was decades of systemic racism and disenfranchisement and feelings

0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:56.920
<v Speaker 1>of being totally lied to and betrayed by their local government.

0:23:57.600 --> 0:24:00.439
<v Speaker 1>And I do remember there was this critical decision and

0:24:00.480 --> 0:24:05.280
<v Speaker 1>I felt like the response was so so smart. There

0:24:05.320 --> 0:24:08.080
<v Speaker 1>was a question about who should deliver these water safety

0:24:08.080 --> 0:24:12.080
<v Speaker 1>sheets to Flint residents, and I think instinct is, oh, well,

0:24:12.080 --> 0:24:14.639
<v Speaker 1>it should be the Environmental Protection Agency, right, I mean,

0:24:14.680 --> 0:24:16.800
<v Speaker 1>they're the ones that are the leading authorities when it

0:24:16.800 --> 0:24:19.919
<v Speaker 1>comes to what's safe for us to put in our

0:24:19.960 --> 0:24:24.680
<v Speaker 1>bodies and or what's safe for us when it comes

0:24:24.680 --> 0:24:29.840
<v Speaker 1>to environmental issues. And then we had to think that.

0:24:29.960 --> 0:24:31.399
<v Speaker 1>Then the EPA had to think, well.

0:24:31.200 --> 0:24:34.000
<v Speaker 2>Wa should I think it should have been K pop bands?

0:24:35.560 --> 0:24:36.439
<v Speaker 2>Can you imagine?

0:24:36.640 --> 0:24:39.000
<v Speaker 1>I mean, they would be very effective messengers. We know

0:24:39.080 --> 0:24:41.560
<v Speaker 1>the power of the messenger. We know that sometimes who

0:24:41.640 --> 0:24:43.840
<v Speaker 1>delivers a message is more important than the message itself.

0:24:44.240 --> 0:24:46.320
<v Speaker 1>So I think you've hit on a really brilliant behavioral

0:24:46.320 --> 0:24:50.160
<v Speaker 1>insight going. And so there's this question of do we

0:24:50.800 --> 0:24:53.879
<v Speaker 1>have them come from members of the EPA. But then

0:24:53.920 --> 0:24:56.600
<v Speaker 1>you have to think, well, wait a second. Flint residents

0:24:56.640 --> 0:24:59.960
<v Speaker 1>have every reason to not trust their local government. Surely

0:25:00.200 --> 0:25:03.159
<v Speaker 1>there will be spillover effects of that distrust when it

0:25:03.160 --> 0:25:06.040
<v Speaker 1>comes to the federal government. So maybe the EPA is

0:25:06.119 --> 0:25:09.760
<v Speaker 1>not the best messenger of these fact sheets. So the

0:25:09.800 --> 0:25:14.600
<v Speaker 1>EPA organized this local canvassing effort with heads of the

0:25:14.640 --> 0:25:18.760
<v Speaker 1>Red Cross, members of the YMCA, church leaders, people that

0:25:18.800 --> 0:25:20.840
<v Speaker 1>you would see if you are a Flint resident at

0:25:20.880 --> 0:25:23.560
<v Speaker 1>the supermarket every week, people that you trust to babysit

0:25:23.600 --> 0:25:26.879
<v Speaker 1>your kids. They were the ones knocking on doors and

0:25:26.920 --> 0:25:30.600
<v Speaker 1>they were saying, here's the fact sheet. Yes it's endorsed

0:25:30.600 --> 0:25:33.679
<v Speaker 1>by the EPA. They're saying everything here is true, but I,

0:25:34.000 --> 0:25:37.440
<v Speaker 1>as your friend and your community member, am also blessing

0:25:37.440 --> 0:25:40.320
<v Speaker 1>its content. And I think that was such a powerful

0:25:40.359 --> 0:25:43.800
<v Speaker 1>way of combating all of the misinformation that was floating

0:25:43.800 --> 0:25:46.520
<v Speaker 1>around the community in this time of great stress and anxiety.

0:25:47.680 --> 0:25:48.320
<v Speaker 2>That's amazing.

0:25:48.560 --> 0:25:55.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and then the twenty sixteen election happened, so things

0:25:55.400 --> 0:25:56.440
<v Speaker 1>quickly got disbanded.

0:25:57.600 --> 0:26:00.359
<v Speaker 2>I've read a lot of like positive psychology book that

0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:03.000
<v Speaker 2>make a lot of good cases for you know, how

0:26:03.040 --> 0:26:07.159
<v Speaker 2>to leverage positive psychology ideas in your daily life, and

0:26:07.160 --> 0:26:10.160
<v Speaker 2>they'll have some like story examples, but your stories are

0:26:10.200 --> 0:26:13.720
<v Speaker 2>so deep and so researched, and I'm so glad that

0:26:13.800 --> 0:26:16.760
<v Speaker 2>they're as long as they I kind of wanted more

0:26:18.200 --> 0:26:21.439
<v Speaker 2>that you go super in depth into what these people

0:26:21.800 --> 0:26:24.720
<v Speaker 2>are going through, their ups, their downs, and where they

0:26:25.000 --> 0:26:27.320
<v Speaker 2>come out on the other side. How did you find

0:26:27.520 --> 0:26:30.760
<v Speaker 2>all of these incredible people in these amazing stories.

0:26:31.080 --> 0:26:35.080
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for recognizing that no one's ever

0:26:35.119 --> 0:26:36.760
<v Speaker 1>commented on the book in the way that you have.

0:26:36.920 --> 0:26:40.080
<v Speaker 1>And I cannot tell you how I'm going to start

0:26:40.080 --> 0:26:42.159
<v Speaker 1>crying how rewarding it is to hear you say that,

0:26:42.280 --> 0:26:46.480
<v Speaker 1>because the people that I had the honor of interviewing

0:26:46.560 --> 0:26:51.639
<v Speaker 1>for this book have so profoundly changed my life and

0:26:52.359 --> 0:26:57.280
<v Speaker 1>I care so deeply for and my only goal was

0:26:57.320 --> 0:26:59.879
<v Speaker 1>to do justice to their stories because they open up

0:27:00.040 --> 0:27:03.600
<v Speaker 1>our hearts and minds to me over years, and it

0:27:03.640 --> 0:27:05.920
<v Speaker 1>was so important to me that it had the emotional

0:27:05.960 --> 0:27:08.360
<v Speaker 1>impact that they did. So first of all, just thank

0:27:08.400 --> 0:27:11.119
<v Speaker 1>you so much. As a first time author, it truly

0:27:11.160 --> 0:27:12.840
<v Speaker 1>means the world to me and to the people that

0:27:12.880 --> 0:27:14.879
<v Speaker 1>I interviewed that you had that response. So thank you.

0:27:15.440 --> 0:27:19.080
<v Speaker 1>As I was conceiving of this book, I had been

0:27:19.160 --> 0:27:22.960
<v Speaker 1>humbled as a scientist for many years, because I had

0:27:22.960 --> 0:27:25.760
<v Speaker 1>taken such an empirical approach to my life up until

0:27:25.800 --> 0:27:29.720
<v Speaker 1>this point, and I had assumed that kind of I

0:27:29.720 --> 0:27:32.639
<v Speaker 1>could study my way out, I could research science my

0:27:32.720 --> 0:27:36.800
<v Speaker 1>way out of challenges in my life. And then in

0:27:36.880 --> 0:27:43.879
<v Speaker 1>twenty twenty, I faced something that I couldn't hustle my

0:27:43.920 --> 0:27:47.679
<v Speaker 1>way out of. So long story short, my husband and

0:27:47.720 --> 0:27:49.760
<v Speaker 1>I had been trying to build a family for many,

0:27:49.760 --> 0:27:54.040
<v Speaker 1>many years, and we had faced at this point so

0:27:54.240 --> 0:27:59.320
<v Speaker 1>many barriers and heartbreaks and disappointments, And in early twenty twenty,

0:27:59.320 --> 0:28:02.399
<v Speaker 1>we found out that our surrogate had miscarried, and it

0:28:02.440 --> 0:28:05.560
<v Speaker 1>was just before the world shut down, before COVID, and

0:28:05.640 --> 0:28:10.280
<v Speaker 1>I remember I had had these formative experiences with change,

0:28:10.400 --> 0:28:15.600
<v Speaker 1>and yet I felt so wildly unprepared for this moment,

0:28:15.760 --> 0:28:19.119
<v Speaker 1>for the grief that I felt in this loss. And

0:28:19.200 --> 0:28:22.119
<v Speaker 1>I think that was multifold in terms of why. But

0:28:22.520 --> 0:28:26.159
<v Speaker 1>I think a massive reason is that I am so

0:28:26.440 --> 0:28:29.120
<v Speaker 1>used to working my way through challenges. I'm so used

0:28:29.160 --> 0:28:31.720
<v Speaker 1>to figuring out a creative way to get from point

0:28:31.760 --> 0:28:34.800
<v Speaker 1>A to point B, to overcome failure, to overcome setbacks.

0:28:35.520 --> 0:28:37.560
<v Speaker 1>But there's no such thing as working harder in the

0:28:37.560 --> 0:28:41.520
<v Speaker 1>context of starting a family, the universe does not care

0:28:42.000 --> 0:28:45.760
<v Speaker 1>how much you want a child. It's indifferent towards that.

0:28:46.400 --> 0:28:51.520
<v Speaker 1>And I think in everyday life we all fall prey

0:28:51.560 --> 0:28:54.719
<v Speaker 1>to what psychologists call the illusion of control, where we

0:28:54.800 --> 0:28:58.600
<v Speaker 1>wildly overestimate the degree to which we ourselves will dictate

0:28:58.640 --> 0:29:01.680
<v Speaker 1>how our lives turn out. I definitely fall prey to

0:29:01.680 --> 0:29:04.640
<v Speaker 1>the illusion of control. I like having my hands firmly

0:29:04.800 --> 0:29:07.760
<v Speaker 1>on that steering wheel, a tight grip, right, trying to

0:29:07.800 --> 0:29:11.520
<v Speaker 1>plan out okay, five years, ten years, fifteen years, and

0:29:11.560 --> 0:29:15.640
<v Speaker 1>then when a negative change falls out of the clear

0:29:15.760 --> 0:29:19.600
<v Speaker 1>blue sky, we are forced to contend with the limits

0:29:19.640 --> 0:29:22.000
<v Speaker 1>of that control. We see it so clearly, all of

0:29:22.040 --> 0:29:25.719
<v Speaker 1>a sudden, we're taught the lesson the Buddhists have been

0:29:25.720 --> 0:29:28.600
<v Speaker 1>trying to teach us for all of humanity.

0:29:29.120 --> 0:29:30.960
<v Speaker 2>I want to go there, which is.

0:29:31.120 --> 0:29:35.080
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, I'm not in control at all. And

0:29:35.960 --> 0:29:38.560
<v Speaker 1>as I was trying to pick up the pieces of

0:29:38.600 --> 0:29:43.040
<v Speaker 1>my life, and as I was grieving the future, and

0:29:43.080 --> 0:29:46.240
<v Speaker 1>we talked about identity earlier, right as I was grieving

0:29:46.320 --> 0:29:49.320
<v Speaker 1>this identity of mom that from the time I was

0:29:49.360 --> 0:29:51.080
<v Speaker 1>a little kid, I had aspired to be.

0:29:51.320 --> 0:29:53.720
<v Speaker 2>So you literally were at fifteen, being like, I'm going

0:29:53.800 --> 0:29:55.800
<v Speaker 2>to be a violinist and a mom. Those are maybe

0:29:55.880 --> 0:29:58.680
<v Speaker 2>the two most important things about who I am as

0:29:58.680 --> 0:29:59.120
<v Speaker 2>a person.

0:30:00.160 --> 0:30:01.920
<v Speaker 1>And actually it was only in writing this book that

0:30:01.960 --> 0:30:07.520
<v Speaker 1>I realized the only identity that really predated violinist was mother.

0:30:11.840 --> 0:30:13.520
<v Speaker 1>I think from the time I was three or four,

0:30:13.600 --> 0:30:15.560
<v Speaker 1>my dad tells me he'd come downstairs, I'd be with

0:30:15.600 --> 0:30:19.040
<v Speaker 1>my place at on, like my fictional plastic phone, having

0:30:19.080 --> 0:30:23.640
<v Speaker 1>these conversations with my neighbors, like Claudia, Yes, little Bobby

0:30:23.800 --> 0:30:26.960
<v Speaker 1>is being just so difficult today, you know. Like I

0:30:27.120 --> 0:30:30.400
<v Speaker 1>just was so enamored by the idea of motherhood, and

0:30:30.440 --> 0:30:32.440
<v Speaker 1>it was a fantasy land that I would travel to

0:30:32.600 --> 0:30:35.360
<v Speaker 1>in my brain when things in my life were hard,

0:30:35.480 --> 0:30:38.480
<v Speaker 1>or I didn't feel like I belonged, or things in

0:30:38.520 --> 0:30:40.280
<v Speaker 1>the world were hard, I would just escape to this

0:30:40.360 --> 0:30:42.960
<v Speaker 1>fictional place where I was a mom and I had

0:30:42.960 --> 0:30:46.520
<v Speaker 1>my brood and things were happy and cozy and healthy, right,

0:30:47.000 --> 0:30:49.600
<v Speaker 1>And so to have that identity stripped away from me,

0:30:50.200 --> 0:30:55.520
<v Speaker 1>I felt, Yeah, I felt just like impossibly sad and

0:30:55.600 --> 0:30:59.480
<v Speaker 1>just oriented again. And so that was when I realized

0:30:59.800 --> 0:31:02.440
<v Speaker 1>this science was falling short, and I needed to connect

0:31:02.440 --> 0:31:05.440
<v Speaker 1>with people, and I needed to connect with their narratives,

0:31:05.840 --> 0:31:09.160
<v Speaker 1>and I needed to hear how other people were doing

0:31:09.280 --> 0:31:13.880
<v Speaker 1>change better than I was doing change. So I search

0:31:13.920 --> 0:31:17.120
<v Speaker 1>for the most fascinating stories I could, ones that were

0:31:17.200 --> 0:31:20.560
<v Speaker 1>exceptional on the surface because they're just like, wow, I

0:31:20.560 --> 0:31:22.880
<v Speaker 1>can't wait to turn the page, but they all carried

0:31:22.880 --> 0:31:26.080
<v Speaker 1>a universal lesson within them. And then I realized something

0:31:26.080 --> 0:31:28.800
<v Speaker 1>that was so interesting. I started to realize that there

0:31:28.880 --> 0:31:34.160
<v Speaker 1>were fascinating connections that were emerging across people's stories that

0:31:34.200 --> 0:31:36.680
<v Speaker 1>didn't look at all the same on their surface. The

0:31:36.760 --> 0:31:40.560
<v Speaker 1>cancer patient and the woman who learns that her husband

0:31:40.720 --> 0:31:44.040
<v Speaker 1>is having an affair both share the same feeling of betrayal.

0:31:45.240 --> 0:31:47.640
<v Speaker 1>Everyone in the throes of a big change, irrespective of

0:31:47.640 --> 0:31:52.640
<v Speaker 1>their circumstances, is contending with grief and bristling at the

0:31:52.680 --> 0:31:55.000
<v Speaker 1>unfairness of the world and grieving the future that they

0:31:55.400 --> 0:31:58.960
<v Speaker 1>hoped for and ruminating and regretting the past. We're all

0:31:59.000 --> 0:32:01.600
<v Speaker 1>dealing with the same stuff, and so if we're dealing

0:32:01.600 --> 0:32:04.920
<v Speaker 1>with the same problem statement, chances are that the solution

0:32:05.040 --> 0:32:08.239
<v Speaker 1>set is going to be similar. And so to get

0:32:08.280 --> 0:32:11.480
<v Speaker 1>to your question, what led to this book, Well, I

0:32:11.560 --> 0:32:15.080
<v Speaker 1>went on a hunt to try to find the most

0:32:15.200 --> 0:32:17.680
<v Speaker 1>riveting stories of change that I could find that all

0:32:17.800 --> 0:32:21.680
<v Speaker 1>had an unexpected element to them, that had stories sitting

0:32:21.680 --> 0:32:24.040
<v Speaker 1>beneath the stories, sitting beneath the stories sitting beneath the stories,

0:32:24.080 --> 0:32:26.600
<v Speaker 1>because I'm so interested in people's interior lives. I'm not

0:32:26.640 --> 0:32:28.720
<v Speaker 1>that interested in the external beats of their narrative. I

0:32:28.760 --> 0:32:30.760
<v Speaker 1>want to know what's happening in here. I want to

0:32:30.800 --> 0:32:34.120
<v Speaker 1>know the transformation that's happening inside. And every person I

0:32:34.160 --> 0:32:38.200
<v Speaker 1>interviewed over years, on multiple occasions so surprised me with

0:32:38.240 --> 0:32:40.120
<v Speaker 1>what was going on in their minds. I could never

0:32:40.200 --> 0:32:43.400
<v Speaker 1>have predicted it just by learning, Oh, this person was

0:32:43.440 --> 0:32:45.719
<v Speaker 1>locked in Oh this person became a poet when they

0:32:45.720 --> 0:32:47.800
<v Speaker 1>were in prison, I would never have known what was

0:32:47.840 --> 0:32:52.520
<v Speaker 1>happening to them within their brains. And then from each

0:32:52.640 --> 0:32:58.600
<v Speaker 1>story I distilled a valuable lesson about the human experience,

0:32:58.640 --> 0:33:01.640
<v Speaker 1>about our minds that I was hoping every reader could

0:33:01.680 --> 0:33:02.920
<v Speaker 1>actually benefit from.

0:33:02.960 --> 0:33:05.560
<v Speaker 2>The core of the story of Olivia was a young

0:33:05.600 --> 0:33:09.080
<v Speaker 2>woman who is very healthy and has a stroke and

0:33:09.120 --> 0:33:11.440
<v Speaker 2>then has that kind of diving bell in the butterfly

0:33:11.560 --> 0:33:16.000
<v Speaker 2>experience where consciousness inside of her body but she can

0:33:16.120 --> 0:33:17.560
<v Speaker 2>just blink a little bit at.

0:33:17.440 --> 0:33:20.120
<v Speaker 1>The Yeah, she has no voluntary control over any of

0:33:20.120 --> 0:33:22.200
<v Speaker 1>the muscles in her body other than her eyes. So

0:33:22.280 --> 0:33:25.160
<v Speaker 1>that's her only portal for communicating with the world is

0:33:25.200 --> 0:33:25.840
<v Speaker 1>through her blinks.

0:33:25.920 --> 0:33:30.040
<v Speaker 2>And then gradually, through years and years of physical therapy,

0:33:30.120 --> 0:33:33.200
<v Speaker 2>she can move her finger a little bit and makes

0:33:33.200 --> 0:33:36.200
<v Speaker 2>some sounds, and gradually kind of more and more life

0:33:36.280 --> 0:33:40.600
<v Speaker 2>comes back to her body. But the central part of

0:33:40.640 --> 0:33:45.080
<v Speaker 2>her story that I found incredibly profound was that she,

0:33:45.880 --> 0:33:49.640
<v Speaker 2>before her stroke lived for other people in every way,

0:33:49.640 --> 0:33:52.720
<v Speaker 2>shape and form. She was trying to impress people, hope

0:33:52.760 --> 0:33:56.280
<v Speaker 2>they weren't embarrassed by her, trying to fit in, people

0:33:56.440 --> 0:34:02.200
<v Speaker 2>pleasing living her entire life let reflect did in whether

0:34:02.240 --> 0:34:05.720
<v Speaker 2>at school or family or her fiance's family. And then

0:34:05.760 --> 0:34:07.640
<v Speaker 2>she has the stroke, and here she is. She has

0:34:07.640 --> 0:34:10.760
<v Speaker 2>to have her diaper changed, she's drooling all the time,

0:34:11.080 --> 0:34:14.200
<v Speaker 2>and she's just embarrassed and mortified that people have to

0:34:14.239 --> 0:34:16.719
<v Speaker 2>see her in this state. And again, here she is

0:34:16.760 --> 0:34:19.600
<v Speaker 2>with this most tragic, horrific thing happening to her, and

0:34:19.640 --> 0:34:23.640
<v Speaker 2>all she's thinking about is how other people see her,

0:34:23.760 --> 0:34:26.160
<v Speaker 2>how other people are thinking, and other people are feeling.

0:34:26.320 --> 0:34:31.480
<v Speaker 2>And she goes through this incredible transformation during this one

0:34:31.600 --> 0:34:34.560
<v Speaker 2>stage of her rehab where she lets all of that

0:34:34.640 --> 0:34:36.879
<v Speaker 2>go and she's like, I don't give a fuck. I'm

0:34:36.920 --> 0:34:39.960
<v Speaker 2>just going to drool. I'm going to be myself. I'm

0:34:39.960 --> 0:34:42.279
<v Speaker 2>going to take down all the pictures of myself as

0:34:42.320 --> 0:34:45.920
<v Speaker 2>a young woman off the walls, and I've got it.

0:34:46.200 --> 0:34:48.279
<v Speaker 2>I've got to be me. Can you tell us a

0:34:48.280 --> 0:34:53.280
<v Speaker 2>little bit about that? In that sense? What great freedom

0:34:54.120 --> 0:34:58.160
<v Speaker 2>she found while being encased in the greatest prison we

0:34:58.239 --> 0:35:02.360
<v Speaker 2>can possibly think of. But actually the real prison is

0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:06.680
<v Speaker 2>being enslaved to what other people think and need from us,

0:35:06.880 --> 0:35:11.279
<v Speaker 2>and people pleasing other people, and she actually gains her

0:35:11.280 --> 0:35:13.520
<v Speaker 2>freedom even though her body doesn't work right.

0:35:13.840 --> 0:35:15.239
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So first of all, I would like you to

0:35:15.280 --> 0:35:17.840
<v Speaker 1>do my book tour for me. Yeah, because that was

0:35:17.920 --> 0:35:22.319
<v Speaker 1>an unbelievably compelling, an accurate description of Olivia's story, So

0:35:22.360 --> 0:35:28.000
<v Speaker 1>thank you for that. Second. Yes, So, one of the

0:35:28.000 --> 0:35:32.239
<v Speaker 1>things I discovered from this book is that change can

0:35:32.360 --> 0:35:37.440
<v Speaker 1>serve as revelation for us as humans. So when we

0:35:37.480 --> 0:35:40.160
<v Speaker 1>go through a big negative change in our lives, you

0:35:40.200 --> 0:35:43.759
<v Speaker 1>can feel like a personal apocalypse, like everything we knew

0:35:43.800 --> 0:35:46.359
<v Speaker 1>about the world that we cherished and loved and felt

0:35:46.400 --> 0:35:50.960
<v Speaker 1>stable for us is now gone. Going back to linguistics,

0:35:51.640 --> 0:35:56.320
<v Speaker 1>The word apocalypse actually comes from the Greek word apocalypsis,

0:35:56.640 --> 0:35:59.920
<v Speaker 1>which means revelation, and so the etymology is quite in

0:36:00.000 --> 0:36:03.960
<v Speaker 1>destructive change can abend us that it can also reveal

0:36:04.000 --> 0:36:06.960
<v Speaker 1>things to us. And what happened with Olivia is that

0:36:07.040 --> 0:36:10.400
<v Speaker 1>she was living her life beholden to others. But she

0:36:10.560 --> 0:36:13.920
<v Speaker 1>only became acutely aware of the degree to which she

0:36:14.160 --> 0:36:17.759
<v Speaker 1>was beholden to others when she completely lost her ability

0:36:18.040 --> 0:36:21.400
<v Speaker 1>to curate an image of herself and to present herself

0:36:21.600 --> 0:36:24.080
<v Speaker 1>in a way that she felt others would find palatable.

0:36:24.800 --> 0:36:29.200
<v Speaker 1>And that is the power of big change. It brings

0:36:29.239 --> 0:36:32.520
<v Speaker 1>into the light the most unsavory parts of who we

0:36:32.560 --> 0:36:36.680
<v Speaker 1>are because we can't resist seeing those things anymore. For example,

0:36:37.440 --> 0:36:40.160
<v Speaker 1>in my own life, when we found out there was

0:36:40.200 --> 0:36:43.520
<v Speaker 1>a second miscarriage and we lost identical twin girls, that

0:36:43.719 --> 0:36:47.200
<v Speaker 1>was when I realized, fully, oh my god, my entire

0:36:47.280 --> 0:36:49.680
<v Speaker 1>self worth is tied up in the identity of becoming

0:36:49.680 --> 0:36:52.920
<v Speaker 1>a mom. I have grown up with cultural influences telling

0:36:52.960 --> 0:36:58.359
<v Speaker 1>me that my worth as a woman comes from procreation, Like,

0:36:58.880 --> 0:37:01.160
<v Speaker 1>maybe that's a problematic view that I need to revisit.

0:37:01.400 --> 0:37:06.360
<v Speaker 1>And so similarly, Olivia has to contend with this realization

0:37:06.440 --> 0:37:08.719
<v Speaker 1>that she cares so much what other people think about

0:37:08.760 --> 0:37:11.880
<v Speaker 1>her when her boyfriend's family comes to the hospital and

0:37:11.920 --> 0:37:13.759
<v Speaker 1>she can't be who she wants to be in front

0:37:13.800 --> 0:37:16.040
<v Speaker 1>of them. She's got a ventilator hooked up to her face.

0:37:16.160 --> 0:37:18.880
<v Speaker 1>She can't not along, she can't give them reassurance. She

0:37:18.960 --> 0:37:21.480
<v Speaker 1>can't be the charmer that she wants to be. She

0:37:21.560 --> 0:37:24.799
<v Speaker 1>has to be the rawest, purest form of herself and

0:37:25.480 --> 0:37:29.280
<v Speaker 1>the only way that she it's almost actually by brute

0:37:29.320 --> 0:37:32.239
<v Speaker 1>force that she gets to the other side, because with

0:37:32.360 --> 0:37:35.279
<v Speaker 1>her team of therapists, she has no choice but to

0:37:35.280 --> 0:37:38.319
<v Speaker 1>be herself, and over time she starts to realize, hey,

0:37:38.320 --> 0:37:41.880
<v Speaker 1>wait a second, they seem to really like me, like

0:37:41.920 --> 0:37:47.800
<v Speaker 1>they seem to like the unvarnished, unpolished, irreverent version of Olivia.

0:37:47.920 --> 0:37:50.200
<v Speaker 1>They seem to not be so bothered when I break

0:37:50.239 --> 0:37:54.719
<v Speaker 1>down and I have these moments of despair. Maybe I

0:37:54.719 --> 0:37:58.600
<v Speaker 1>should like myself, Maybe I should actually love myself. And

0:37:58.680 --> 0:38:02.880
<v Speaker 1>she gets to a point of self actualization and self

0:38:03.000 --> 0:38:05.959
<v Speaker 1>love at the age of twenty seven that I think

0:38:06.239 --> 0:38:10.560
<v Speaker 1>most people in their forties, fifties, sixty seventies would long for,

0:38:10.640 --> 0:38:14.160
<v Speaker 1>They would lust after that kind of self acceptance. Olivia

0:38:14.239 --> 0:38:17.960
<v Speaker 1>told me, yes, I don't feel glad the stroke happened.

0:38:17.960 --> 0:38:20.319
<v Speaker 1>Most people never will a negative change to happen. But

0:38:20.360 --> 0:38:23.840
<v Speaker 1>she said, I am so grateful that I've gotten to

0:38:23.880 --> 0:38:27.120
<v Speaker 1>the place of self assuredness and self confidence that I've

0:38:27.120 --> 0:38:30.080
<v Speaker 1>gotten to, because it might have taken me decades to

0:38:30.080 --> 0:38:32.680
<v Speaker 1>get there, if I'd ever gotten there at all. And

0:38:32.760 --> 0:38:35.920
<v Speaker 1>I think she's completely right, like change can be a

0:38:36.000 --> 0:38:39.399
<v Speaker 1>teacher to us because when it reveals something about who

0:38:39.440 --> 0:38:42.120
<v Speaker 1>we are that was previously hidden from view, then we

0:38:42.160 --> 0:38:46.280
<v Speaker 1>can take active steps to actually shape that future journey

0:38:46.600 --> 0:38:48.799
<v Speaker 1>and to become new people on the other side. By

0:38:48.800 --> 0:38:51.120
<v Speaker 1>the way, that's why my book is called The Other

0:38:51.239 --> 0:38:55.680
<v Speaker 1>Side of Change. It's because we are constantly transforming during

0:38:55.719 --> 0:38:58.879
<v Speaker 1>the experience, and when a big change happens to us,

0:38:58.960 --> 0:39:02.480
<v Speaker 1>it creates lasting within us, and so we can't forget

0:39:02.520 --> 0:39:04.000
<v Speaker 1>that the person we're going to come out the other

0:39:04.080 --> 0:39:06.400
<v Speaker 1>side as is going to be different from the person

0:39:06.440 --> 0:39:07.680
<v Speaker 1>we are in this very moment.

0:39:08.960 --> 0:39:15.000
<v Speaker 2>That's beautiful. In my faith tradition, Baha'u'llah, the prophet founder

0:39:15.040 --> 0:39:17.680
<v Speaker 2>of the Bahai faith, says something to the effect, because

0:39:17.680 --> 0:39:20.720
<v Speaker 2>I don't want to misquote it about you know, true

0:39:20.800 --> 0:39:25.520
<v Speaker 2>freedom is freedom from the self, and that's a very

0:39:25.640 --> 0:39:30.000
<v Speaker 2>old spiritual practice that when you think of self, you

0:39:30.080 --> 0:39:35.920
<v Speaker 2>think of lust, seeking, status, greed, just kind of chronic

0:39:36.000 --> 0:39:40.560
<v Speaker 2>self interest, power, narcissism around that. But when we are

0:39:40.680 --> 0:39:43.440
<v Speaker 2>freed from the self, that that's true freedom. You can

0:39:43.480 --> 0:39:47.600
<v Speaker 2>be in a prison cell and be freed from yourself

0:39:48.080 --> 0:39:52.520
<v Speaker 2>and experience kind of a lightness that you had never

0:39:52.760 --> 0:39:53.520
<v Speaker 2>thought possible.

0:39:53.840 --> 0:39:57.680
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for sharing that, because I want to continue

0:39:57.680 --> 0:40:00.400
<v Speaker 1>on that point. We talked about awe, right, and I

0:40:00.440 --> 0:40:03.440
<v Speaker 1>think most people think about awe fairly narrowly. They think

0:40:03.480 --> 0:40:05.839
<v Speaker 1>about things like nature and art and music, and.

0:40:05.760 --> 0:40:08.600
<v Speaker 2>That's beautiful sunrise or just yeah exactly.

0:40:09.800 --> 0:40:12.239
<v Speaker 1>My favorite form of awe that I think isn't talked

0:40:12.239 --> 0:40:15.680
<v Speaker 1>about enough is something called moral beauty. That is the

0:40:15.719 --> 0:40:19.200
<v Speaker 1>awe that other people inspire within us, and it is

0:40:19.560 --> 0:40:21.960
<v Speaker 1>all around you if you're willing to look for it,

0:40:22.040 --> 0:40:23.960
<v Speaker 1>and if you're willing to be a keen observer. So

0:40:26.239 --> 0:40:30.680
<v Speaker 1>moral beauty can be or let me just talk about hold.

0:40:30.560 --> 0:40:31.960
<v Speaker 2>On, I want to jump in.

0:40:32.200 --> 0:40:34.360
<v Speaker 1>Y, yeah exactly, let me okay, let me go in,

0:40:34.400 --> 0:40:38.359
<v Speaker 1>let me go in. So there's a phenomenon known as

0:40:38.440 --> 0:40:43.560
<v Speaker 1>moral elevation. Moral elevation is that warm, fuzzy feeling we

0:40:43.600 --> 0:40:48.720
<v Speaker 1>get in our chest when we witness someone else's outstanding acts.

0:40:49.080 --> 0:40:51.800
<v Speaker 1>So it could be their kindness, or their courage, or

0:40:51.880 --> 0:40:55.799
<v Speaker 1>their resilience, or their ability to forgive someone you name it.

0:40:55.880 --> 0:40:59.560
<v Speaker 1>Anything that impresses us about humans can fall into the

0:40:59.600 --> 0:41:02.880
<v Speaker 1>moral beauty bucket and therefore give rise to moral elevation.

0:41:03.719 --> 0:41:06.319
<v Speaker 1>And what's amazing about moral elevation Rain is that it

0:41:06.320 --> 0:41:08.800
<v Speaker 1>doesn't just make us feel good. It doesn't just restore

0:41:08.880 --> 0:41:11.319
<v Speaker 1>our faith in humanity day to day, which a lot

0:41:11.360 --> 0:41:14.160
<v Speaker 1>of us need right now. It actually changes our brains

0:41:15.480 --> 0:41:19.440
<v Speaker 1>because in witnessing someone defy our understanding of what humans

0:41:19.440 --> 0:41:23.760
<v Speaker 1>are capable of, it cracks open our own imagination about

0:41:23.760 --> 0:41:26.880
<v Speaker 1>what we are capable of. So one of the people

0:41:26.920 --> 0:41:29.320
<v Speaker 1>that I interviewed for this book who we just talked about, Dwayne.

0:41:30.200 --> 0:41:33.800
<v Speaker 1>He was sentenced to nine years in an adult prison

0:41:33.960 --> 0:41:38.560
<v Speaker 1>when he was sixteen years old for carjacking. And you

0:41:38.640 --> 0:41:42.239
<v Speaker 1>feel bad for the kid because he had dreams of

0:41:42.280 --> 0:41:44.840
<v Speaker 1>going to Georgia Tech. He was class treasurer, He was

0:41:44.880 --> 0:41:48.640
<v Speaker 1>a sweetie pie to his mom, and yet in an

0:41:48.680 --> 0:41:51.680
<v Speaker 1>effort to impress the boys in his neighborhood. He made

0:41:51.760 --> 0:41:56.680
<v Speaker 1>a really, really terrible He made a terrible decision and.

0:41:56.600 --> 0:41:58.720
<v Speaker 2>Which we all do, which we all do at.

0:41:58.560 --> 0:42:01.320
<v Speaker 1>Sixteen, and his led to nine years in adult prison.

0:42:02.080 --> 0:42:04.480
<v Speaker 1>So you can imagine that Dwayne is feeling despair at

0:42:04.480 --> 0:42:08.120
<v Speaker 1>this point. He said that he wasn't just grieving all

0:42:08.200 --> 0:42:12.560
<v Speaker 1>of the futures that he lost, he was fearing who

0:42:12.600 --> 0:42:16.879
<v Speaker 1>he might become within the walls of prison. And there's

0:42:16.920 --> 0:42:20.920
<v Speaker 1>a concept in psychology called possible selts. So we conjure

0:42:21.000 --> 0:42:23.520
<v Speaker 1>up possible selves all the time in daily life. So

0:42:23.560 --> 0:42:26.799
<v Speaker 1>we have hoped for selves. This is the version of

0:42:26.880 --> 0:42:29.359
<v Speaker 1>us that we want to see come true. So for you,

0:42:29.440 --> 0:42:31.600
<v Speaker 1>it would be I want to be an actor and

0:42:31.680 --> 0:42:34.640
<v Speaker 1>a podcaster and a writer. That's my hope for self.

0:42:35.080 --> 0:42:38.600
<v Speaker 1>Then there's feared sels that might be like, oh I

0:42:38.680 --> 0:42:42.239
<v Speaker 1>become greedy, or I become really self interested, or my

0:42:42.560 --> 0:42:46.440
<v Speaker 1>conditions change and I no longer have the ability to

0:42:46.440 --> 0:42:48.799
<v Speaker 1>be kind, right, That might be the feared self. And

0:42:48.840 --> 0:42:51.520
<v Speaker 1>then there's the expected selves. So as much as I

0:42:51.520 --> 0:42:53.840
<v Speaker 1>would want to be the next Taylor Swift, it ain't happening.

0:42:53.880 --> 0:42:56.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm probably gonna be a cognitive scientist in five years.

0:42:56.080 --> 0:42:57.719
<v Speaker 1>And so that's just the version of us that's most

0:42:57.760 --> 0:43:01.840
<v Speaker 1>likely to happen. And for Dwayne, all of the hope

0:43:01.880 --> 0:43:06.080
<v Speaker 1>for selves disappeared instantly when he got that nine year sentence,

0:43:06.760 --> 0:43:10.759
<v Speaker 1>and the feared cells expanded effortlessly in his brain. Right now,

0:43:10.800 --> 0:43:13.000
<v Speaker 1>he's wondering, am I going to become an addict? Am

0:43:13.040 --> 0:43:14.719
<v Speaker 1>I going to be someone who steals? Am I going

0:43:14.760 --> 0:43:17.160
<v Speaker 1>to become violent? He's just worried about all these versions

0:43:17.160 --> 0:43:20.480
<v Speaker 1>of himself that he might now embody until about a

0:43:20.560 --> 0:43:24.319
<v Speaker 1>year in two his prison sentence, when he has a

0:43:24.360 --> 0:43:29.640
<v Speaker 1>spectacular moment of moral elevation. He encounters a fellow inmate

0:43:29.760 --> 0:43:35.120
<v Speaker 1>named Bellaal who defies all of the stereotypes Dwayne has

0:43:35.160 --> 0:43:37.280
<v Speaker 1>in his mind about what it means to be a prisoner.

0:43:37.920 --> 0:43:41.200
<v Speaker 1>So this guy cares for all the younger inmates. He

0:43:41.280 --> 0:43:44.480
<v Speaker 1>teaches the young boys how to box to protect themselves

0:43:44.480 --> 0:43:48.319
<v Speaker 1>from the threat of violence. He carries himself in such

0:43:48.320 --> 0:43:50.840
<v Speaker 1>a dignified way. Dwayne says, it's like he carries himself

0:43:50.840 --> 0:43:53.200
<v Speaker 1>like a man in uniform. He gets up an hour

0:43:53.280 --> 0:43:56.080
<v Speaker 1>before the guards even come by his cell door and

0:43:56.120 --> 0:43:59.040
<v Speaker 1>does two hundred and fifty push uts. So Dwayne was

0:43:59.040 --> 0:44:01.680
<v Speaker 1>saying that's the kind of guy who was like, no,

0:44:01.960 --> 0:44:04.880
<v Speaker 1>this is my identity. Now, I'm choosing to be a

0:44:04.880 --> 0:44:08.000
<v Speaker 1>certain way. Just because I'm a prisoner doesn't mean I

0:44:08.040 --> 0:44:11.320
<v Speaker 1>can't be like this. And that moment of moral elevation

0:44:12.000 --> 0:44:16.440
<v Speaker 1>cracks open Dwayne's imagination about who he can become. And

0:44:16.480 --> 0:44:19.080
<v Speaker 1>so a few weeks later, when he encounters a book

0:44:19.120 --> 0:44:22.160
<v Speaker 1>of poetry in which one of the writers is speaking

0:44:22.200 --> 0:44:25.640
<v Speaker 1>to the experience of young boys of color in prison,

0:44:26.320 --> 0:44:30.439
<v Speaker 1>Dwayne thinks, oh, well, I could do that. I can't

0:44:30.440 --> 0:44:32.399
<v Speaker 1>do the ballall version. I'm not strong. I can't teach

0:44:32.440 --> 0:44:35.600
<v Speaker 1>anyone how to box. But I can absolutely record and

0:44:35.680 --> 0:44:38.560
<v Speaker 1>dignify the experiences of the people that I'm meeting in

0:44:38.600 --> 0:44:42.719
<v Speaker 1>prison and my own experience. And fast forward a few decades.

0:44:43.400 --> 0:44:46.360
<v Speaker 1>Dwayne is a Yenge Law School graduate. He's a MacArthur

0:44:46.440 --> 0:44:49.800
<v Speaker 1>Genius Prize winner, and he publishes some of the most

0:44:50.120 --> 0:44:54.960
<v Speaker 1>stirring poetry I've ever read about what the experience of

0:44:55.680 --> 0:44:58.200
<v Speaker 1>being a black man in prison is like. And it

0:44:58.239 --> 0:45:02.920
<v Speaker 1>came from that afec did moment of moral beauty within prison.

0:45:04.160 --> 0:45:06.279
<v Speaker 2>It's an incredible story in the book, and you tell

0:45:06.360 --> 0:45:09.279
<v Speaker 2>it so well this believe it or not. I'm not

0:45:09.320 --> 0:45:12.480
<v Speaker 2>trying to be Dax Shepherd an armchair expert right now, folks.

0:45:12.560 --> 0:45:15.520
<v Speaker 2>But this is actually something I know a little bit

0:45:15.560 --> 0:45:19.279
<v Speaker 2>about because my uncle, doctor Rhett Deisner. This is his

0:45:19.360 --> 0:45:23.160
<v Speaker 2>area of study. Way, it's moral beauty. He studies beauty

0:45:23.160 --> 0:45:25.680
<v Speaker 2>in the psychology of beauty. He just spoke at the

0:45:25.680 --> 0:45:27.040
<v Speaker 2>Max Planck Institute.

0:45:27.120 --> 0:45:29.800
<v Speaker 1>And which one I went to, the one in Leipsiging

0:45:29.800 --> 0:45:30.680
<v Speaker 1>when I was in college.

0:45:30.760 --> 0:45:31.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think it's that one.

0:45:31.760 --> 0:45:32.520
<v Speaker 1>Okay, great. Yeah.

0:45:32.560 --> 0:45:37.000
<v Speaker 2>He has worked with Jonathan Height and Arthur Brooks, and

0:45:37.600 --> 0:45:40.319
<v Speaker 2>a lot of his studies are published. But he has

0:45:40.640 --> 0:45:44.200
<v Speaker 2>numerous studies about moral beauty and moral elevation, as coined

0:45:44.200 --> 0:45:47.880
<v Speaker 2>by Jonathan Height, how much it impacts all the choices

0:45:47.920 --> 0:45:52.080
<v Speaker 2>that we make. You can witness someone you know, giving

0:45:52.120 --> 0:45:54.480
<v Speaker 2>money to homeless or holding open a door, or doing

0:45:54.480 --> 0:45:57.520
<v Speaker 2>an act of kindness, helping an old lady across the street,

0:45:57.560 --> 0:46:01.360
<v Speaker 2>and then your next action will be morally and in fact,

0:46:01.400 --> 0:46:03.200
<v Speaker 2>when you even when you see someone helping an old

0:46:03.239 --> 0:46:06.160
<v Speaker 2>lady across the street, and then you're shown pictures of

0:46:06.280 --> 0:46:12.040
<v Speaker 2>like flowers, you can experience awe much more readily having

0:46:12.120 --> 0:46:15.480
<v Speaker 2>witnessed moral beauty and moral elevation and other people. So

0:46:15.520 --> 0:46:19.040
<v Speaker 2>it has this kind of like snowball effect of actually

0:46:19.040 --> 0:46:21.600
<v Speaker 2>making the world a better place. So when we take

0:46:22.000 --> 0:46:26.160
<v Speaker 2>actions of moral beauty in our lives, they have reverberations

0:46:26.239 --> 0:46:29.680
<v Speaker 2>far past what we would normally think of.

0:46:30.000 --> 0:46:34.280
<v Speaker 1>Yes, that's exactly right, and I love that moral beauty

0:46:34.320 --> 0:46:37.600
<v Speaker 1>transcends domains. So one of the instances I reflect on

0:46:37.640 --> 0:46:40.840
<v Speaker 1>in the book that I experienced in which I experienced

0:46:40.840 --> 0:46:44.719
<v Speaker 1>moral beauty was after the horrific shooting in Mother Emmanuel

0:46:44.800 --> 0:46:48.680
<v Speaker 1>Church in South Carolina. I remember watching on TV the

0:46:48.800 --> 0:46:52.400
<v Speaker 1>daughter of one of the victims publicly extending forgiveness to

0:46:52.440 --> 0:46:58.200
<v Speaker 1>the racist killer, and I was so stunned by this reign,

0:46:58.280 --> 0:47:03.279
<v Speaker 1>Like she in that moment demonstrated a depth of forgiveness

0:47:03.280 --> 0:47:06.200
<v Speaker 1>that I did not think humans were capable of. And

0:47:06.239 --> 0:47:09.640
<v Speaker 1>what's so amazing about the impact of moral beauty and

0:47:09.680 --> 0:47:12.160
<v Speaker 1>elevation is that it's not like I was looking to

0:47:12.160 --> 0:47:14.239
<v Speaker 1>forgive anyone in my life at that moment in time.

0:47:14.320 --> 0:47:16.600
<v Speaker 1>It's not like it was a perfect translation of she forgave,

0:47:16.640 --> 0:47:20.160
<v Speaker 1>now I can forgive. What it does do is it

0:47:20.160 --> 0:47:23.280
<v Speaker 1>makes you think across the board, could I be kinder?

0:47:23.760 --> 0:47:26.480
<v Speaker 1>Could I be more empathetic. Could I be more generous?

0:47:26.520 --> 0:47:28.759
<v Speaker 2>Who do I need to forgive? You know, you might

0:47:28.760 --> 0:47:31.680
<v Speaker 2>not forgive your cousin who didn't come to your wedding

0:47:31.680 --> 0:47:33.960
<v Speaker 2>when they said you would, And like, wait, she can

0:47:34.000 --> 0:47:36.320
<v Speaker 2>forgive this guy, and I can't forgive my cousin.

0:47:36.360 --> 0:47:40.600
<v Speaker 1>So it not only inspires you to forgive, it inspires

0:47:40.600 --> 0:47:43.080
<v Speaker 1>you to be better in any domain where you're looking

0:47:43.160 --> 0:47:45.719
<v Speaker 1>to improve. Okay, So that's the key thing is that

0:47:46.640 --> 0:47:51.200
<v Speaker 1>I felt like I was elevating. I was elevated as

0:47:51.200 --> 0:47:54.520
<v Speaker 1>a human overall. Oh you think that's the maximum kindness

0:47:54.520 --> 0:47:56.759
<v Speaker 1>you can show someone else, No it's not. Oh you

0:47:56.760 --> 0:47:59.319
<v Speaker 1>think that's the maximum amount of self sacrifice you can

0:47:59.360 --> 0:48:02.359
<v Speaker 1>engage in, No it's not. And so it pushes you

0:48:02.440 --> 0:48:07.040
<v Speaker 1>to new internal heights when you witness someone else showing

0:48:07.200 --> 0:48:10.800
<v Speaker 1>spectacular levels of a trait in another domain.

0:48:11.080 --> 0:48:14.839
<v Speaker 2>My uncle Rhet also talks about in speaking of two

0:48:14.880 --> 0:48:19.640
<v Speaker 2>different domains, is moral beauty and physical beauty and visual

0:48:19.640 --> 0:48:23.000
<v Speaker 2>beauty in that connection or musical artistic beauty. So you

0:48:23.040 --> 0:48:28.280
<v Speaker 2>can experience moral beauty and it will increase your experience

0:48:28.719 --> 0:48:32.200
<v Speaker 2>of artistic or natural beauty. You can experience natural beauty

0:48:32.760 --> 0:48:37.080
<v Speaker 2>and that will influence and uplift your own acts of

0:48:37.160 --> 0:48:39.880
<v Speaker 2>moral elevation that you undertake in your life. So beauty,

0:48:40.719 --> 0:48:46.600
<v Speaker 2>the beauty trait you know, runs from action into esthetic.

0:48:47.320 --> 0:48:50.759
<v Speaker 1>Isn't that so uplifting? Because I mean, if you also

0:48:50.760 --> 0:48:53.319
<v Speaker 1>think about what's happening on a neuroscientific level, what is

0:48:53.320 --> 0:48:57.360
<v Speaker 1>happening in our brains and bodies when we experience awe, Well,

0:48:58.120 --> 0:49:00.719
<v Speaker 1>the parts of our brain that are other dedicated to

0:49:00.719 --> 0:49:04.400
<v Speaker 1>self immersion decrease in activity. So the default mode the

0:49:04.400 --> 0:49:08.640
<v Speaker 1>default mode network, for example. And so what happens when

0:49:08.680 --> 0:49:11.279
<v Speaker 1>we experience awe is that we are able to more

0:49:11.320 --> 0:49:14.799
<v Speaker 1>easily step outside of our own wants and needs and

0:49:14.800 --> 0:49:18.719
<v Speaker 1>anxieties and to remember that we are part of a collective,

0:49:19.000 --> 0:49:21.000
<v Speaker 1>that we are a small being on this planet, and

0:49:21.040 --> 0:49:23.520
<v Speaker 1>we have so much more context, We so much more

0:49:23.560 --> 0:49:27.360
<v Speaker 1>perspective on the significance of our own lives in a

0:49:27.400 --> 0:49:31.840
<v Speaker 1>way that I think gives us the clarity we need

0:49:32.520 --> 0:49:35.120
<v Speaker 1>around the kinds of choices we want to make while

0:49:35.120 --> 0:49:37.360
<v Speaker 1>we're here and the way that we want to be

0:49:37.440 --> 0:49:39.960
<v Speaker 1>around others while we're here. When I have those moments

0:49:39.960 --> 0:49:42.520
<v Speaker 1>of perspective giving, I think, oh my god, all that

0:49:42.560 --> 0:49:45.920
<v Speaker 1>matters is how I treat other people. All that matters

0:49:45.960 --> 0:49:48.399
<v Speaker 1>is how other people feel when they're around me. That's it.

0:49:48.719 --> 0:49:50.719
<v Speaker 1>That's the meaning of all of this.

0:49:51.000 --> 0:49:54.319
<v Speaker 2>But we also see the opposite because since COVID and

0:49:54.400 --> 0:49:57.920
<v Speaker 2>since this kind of toxic partisanship that has really been

0:49:58.000 --> 0:50:00.640
<v Speaker 2>rocking our world over the last eight oris ten years,

0:50:01.160 --> 0:50:04.680
<v Speaker 2>we've seen a degradation and how people are treating each other.

0:50:04.760 --> 0:50:07.200
<v Speaker 2>Just think about airports and think about going on airplanes

0:50:07.200 --> 0:50:09.759
<v Speaker 2>and fights on airplanes and people attacking you know.

0:50:09.800 --> 0:50:11.640
<v Speaker 1>Flight flight attendants, and.

0:50:13.840 --> 0:50:17.319
<v Speaker 2>If we long for moral elevation or moral beauty and

0:50:17.360 --> 0:50:19.960
<v Speaker 2>seeing acts of kindness and forgiveness like that, so that

0:50:20.000 --> 0:50:26.719
<v Speaker 2>it inspires our own acts are altruistic actions and beautiful actions.

0:50:27.239 --> 0:50:30.480
<v Speaker 2>Abdulla Baha says, strive therefore, day by day that your

0:50:30.520 --> 0:50:33.799
<v Speaker 2>actions may be beautiful prayers. So this idea and the

0:50:33.840 --> 0:50:36.680
<v Speaker 2>Bahigh faith that a prayer is not just something you

0:50:36.800 --> 0:50:39.880
<v Speaker 2>kind of say, it's a way of a being in

0:50:39.920 --> 0:50:42.839
<v Speaker 2>the world. But we've seen a degradation of that. So

0:50:43.040 --> 0:50:46.680
<v Speaker 2>we are seeing our society and everyone picks up on it.

0:50:46.960 --> 0:50:49.120
<v Speaker 2>And it doesn't matter what side of the political spectrum

0:50:49.120 --> 0:50:53.560
<v Speaker 2>you're on. Everyone sees, you know, this deterioration of these

0:50:53.560 --> 0:50:56.719
<v Speaker 2>small acts of being kind and patient with a flight

0:50:56.760 --> 0:51:01.439
<v Speaker 2>attendant is making our world a much worse place, even

0:51:01.480 --> 0:51:05.279
<v Speaker 2>though they might feel like small little actions, and again

0:51:05.360 --> 0:51:06.839
<v Speaker 2>has a snowball Yeah, but.

0:51:06.880 --> 0:51:09.400
<v Speaker 1>The same way in which those negative actions can have

0:51:09.400 --> 0:51:12.279
<v Speaker 1>a snowball effect. Just like you said earlier, pauseitive, because

0:51:12.280 --> 0:51:14.680
<v Speaker 1>everyone's always wondering what can I do? What can I do?

0:51:14.719 --> 0:51:18.080
<v Speaker 1>I feel helpless, I feel hopeless, like you said, and

0:51:18.120 --> 0:51:21.560
<v Speaker 1>I thought you said it so beautifully a small So don't.

0:51:21.360 --> 0:51:23.799
<v Speaker 2>Even try and repeat it. Let's just replay what I

0:51:23.840 --> 0:51:26.360
<v Speaker 2>said before. It was perfect. Go ahead.

0:51:27.239 --> 0:51:29.560
<v Speaker 1>The small act that you initiate to be kind to

0:51:29.600 --> 0:51:33.799
<v Speaker 1>a stranger, it has these beautiful spillover effects. So I

0:51:33.880 --> 0:51:36.080
<v Speaker 1>was in an airport a couple of weeks ago, and

0:51:36.840 --> 0:51:38.479
<v Speaker 1>I had way too much stuff that I was trying

0:51:38.520 --> 0:51:40.960
<v Speaker 1>to carry. Okay, So I had like a crappy suitcase

0:51:41.000 --> 0:51:42.839
<v Speaker 1>that was top heavy, so it kept falling over. Then

0:51:42.840 --> 0:51:45.000
<v Speaker 1>I had my open purse, and then I had a

0:51:45.000 --> 0:51:47.759
<v Speaker 1>garment bag okay, and as I'm getting to the top

0:51:47.800 --> 0:51:50.920
<v Speaker 1>of the escalator, it like does something on one of

0:51:50.920 --> 0:51:53.920
<v Speaker 1>the edges and everything topples down the escalator.

0:51:54.080 --> 0:51:54.319
<v Speaker 2>Okay.

0:51:54.440 --> 0:51:56.080
<v Speaker 1>That is like my worst night verb because I've now

0:51:56.520 --> 0:52:00.840
<v Speaker 1>inconvenience everyone again in the app behind me, so mortified.

0:52:00.880 --> 0:52:03.799
<v Speaker 2>I would have been so pissed at you, of course, right, and.

0:52:03.960 --> 0:52:06.719
<v Speaker 1>I was pissed at me. I was so embarrassed. And

0:52:06.960 --> 0:52:09.200
<v Speaker 1>there are two people behind me. Immediately behind me, there

0:52:09.200 --> 0:52:12.080
<v Speaker 1>were tons of people you know down yes, later they

0:52:12.160 --> 0:52:16.120
<v Speaker 1>launched into save this woman from her self mode instantly,

0:52:16.360 --> 0:52:18.919
<v Speaker 1>so one of that operation. Yeah, one of them does

0:52:18.960 --> 0:52:22.200
<v Speaker 1>this crazy jiu jitsu move where he takes the purse

0:52:22.480 --> 0:52:25.520
<v Speaker 1>which is now facing downwards, all the stuff is open faced,

0:52:25.520 --> 0:52:27.799
<v Speaker 1>and he goes like this as quickly as possible, thus

0:52:27.840 --> 0:52:30.799
<v Speaker 1>sparing ninety percent of the contents and only three things

0:52:30.840 --> 0:52:33.040
<v Speaker 1>in there. It was a total magic move. The other

0:52:33.080 --> 0:52:35.839
<v Speaker 1>one's like, I got the garment bag. We're good, and

0:52:35.880 --> 0:52:38.120
<v Speaker 1>they get to the top of the escalator. They passed

0:52:38.120 --> 0:52:40.040
<v Speaker 1>me the stuff and one of them says to me,

0:52:40.840 --> 0:52:43.279
<v Speaker 1>don't worry, it happens to all of us. And then

0:52:43.320 --> 0:52:46.040
<v Speaker 1>the other one sees me just trying to arrange myself

0:52:46.080 --> 0:52:48.040
<v Speaker 1>as stuff in another corner and comes over and says,

0:52:48.200 --> 0:52:50.560
<v Speaker 1>do you need anything else? Is there anything anything I

0:52:50.560 --> 0:52:51.399
<v Speaker 1>can help you with? Mess?

0:52:51.400 --> 0:52:51.880
<v Speaker 2>Beautiful?

0:52:51.920 --> 0:52:54.839
<v Speaker 1>And it was such a beautiful moment of humanity. And

0:52:54.920 --> 0:52:58.759
<v Speaker 1>I really believe that. I'm just reflecting on this now

0:52:58.840 --> 0:53:01.920
<v Speaker 1>because of the observations you share it about your uncle's research,

0:53:02.640 --> 0:53:04.760
<v Speaker 1>I was a kinder person for the rest of that day.

0:53:05.040 --> 0:53:07.960
<v Speaker 1>That stayed with me. Yeah, I thought, because there's a

0:53:08.000 --> 0:53:11.279
<v Speaker 1>mini version of pay it forward when someone is so

0:53:11.440 --> 0:53:14.320
<v Speaker 1>kind to you without any good reason, like wait a second,

0:53:14.400 --> 0:53:18.520
<v Speaker 1>I should aspire to be so upstanding, you know, and so.

0:53:19.719 --> 0:53:23.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and instead it's like give it forward, Serve it forward, yeah,

0:53:23.360 --> 0:53:25.200
<v Speaker 2>you know, beauty it forward.

0:53:24.880 --> 0:53:25.760
<v Speaker 1>Beauty it forward.

0:53:25.920 --> 0:53:26.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:53:26.239 --> 0:53:28.840
<v Speaker 1>So you can actually make an impact just because people

0:53:28.880 --> 0:53:32.080
<v Speaker 1>are observing you, and there's a lot of power in that.

0:53:32.440 --> 0:53:37.040
<v Speaker 2>So you referenced earlier lessons that Buddhism had been teaching

0:53:37.719 --> 0:53:41.840
<v Speaker 2>that align so much with this theory of change and

0:53:41.880 --> 0:53:45.840
<v Speaker 2>coming out of change, and I think this is your sequel.

0:53:46.520 --> 0:53:51.120
<v Speaker 2>Is there are so many spiritual teachings from the world's traditions,

0:53:51.120 --> 0:53:54.920
<v Speaker 2>from the Hindu and Buddhist traditions especially, that have to

0:53:54.960 --> 0:53:58.520
<v Speaker 2>do with basically all of the concepts that you bring

0:53:58.640 --> 0:54:01.120
<v Speaker 2>up in your book. And I'm wondering how much of

0:54:01.160 --> 0:54:06.040
<v Speaker 2>your grandmother's spiritual tradition kind of trickled into the ground

0:54:06.120 --> 0:54:11.160
<v Speaker 2>water here because when you talk about awe, that's the

0:54:11.280 --> 0:54:14.880
<v Speaker 2>same thing a spiritual person or a religious person feels

0:54:14.960 --> 0:54:18.879
<v Speaker 2>for the divine or for the sacred. When you talk

0:54:18.880 --> 0:54:22.840
<v Speaker 2>about the illusion of control, we know that the essential

0:54:22.840 --> 0:54:26.680
<v Speaker 2>Buddhist teaching is that we have no control, and that

0:54:26.880 --> 0:54:31.960
<v Speaker 2>change and hardship are a part of living and that

0:54:32.080 --> 0:54:38.320
<v Speaker 2>is undeniable. You talk about the psychic distance and overview effect,

0:54:38.360 --> 0:54:41.560
<v Speaker 2>about how helpful it is to kind of detach from

0:54:41.600 --> 0:54:44.319
<v Speaker 2>yourself and your problems, like yourself with the purse and

0:54:44.360 --> 0:54:47.120
<v Speaker 2>the garment bag at the top of the escalator, and

0:54:47.200 --> 0:54:51.400
<v Speaker 2>to kind of like witness yourself with compassion. But meditation

0:54:52.120 --> 0:54:55.319
<v Speaker 2>is literally a daily action that one can take that

0:54:55.440 --> 0:54:59.160
<v Speaker 2>creates the psychic distance and the overview effect and strengthens

0:54:59.200 --> 0:55:03.839
<v Speaker 2>the muscles of compar They've done studies where meditation, even

0:55:03.920 --> 0:55:07.800
<v Speaker 2>though it's simply being in the present and stilling the mind,

0:55:08.080 --> 0:55:13.000
<v Speaker 2>actually increases compassion, which doesn't seem like there'd be a

0:55:13.000 --> 0:55:16.359
<v Speaker 2>correlation totally, because I think that meditation allows you more

0:55:16.400 --> 0:55:19.440
<v Speaker 2>compassion for yourself and then allows you more compassion for

0:55:19.520 --> 0:55:22.839
<v Speaker 2>other people by creating that kind of psychic distance, like

0:55:23.080 --> 0:55:27.000
<v Speaker 2>rising above yourself. About having a metacognition that was the

0:55:27.040 --> 0:55:29.879
<v Speaker 2>word that I was looking for. The soul Boom way

0:55:30.040 --> 0:55:32.640
<v Speaker 2>into so many of these ideas that are central to

0:55:32.680 --> 0:55:35.799
<v Speaker 2>your book. We have in a little plug from the

0:55:35.800 --> 0:55:40.759
<v Speaker 2>soul Boom Workbook where these create, you know, a surrendering

0:55:40.800 --> 0:55:46.080
<v Speaker 2>of control, increasing awe, drawing what's sacred, writing about what

0:55:46.239 --> 0:55:50.560
<v Speaker 2>gives you the tingles, you know, creating an increased compassion,

0:55:50.600 --> 0:55:55.719
<v Speaker 2>and metacognition and psychic distance helping helping you with rumination

0:55:56.000 --> 0:55:59.080
<v Speaker 2>and thought loops that can bring us down that there

0:55:59.080 --> 0:56:03.480
<v Speaker 2>are also spiritual tools as well as positive psychology tools

0:56:04.040 --> 0:56:08.280
<v Speaker 2>and neurological tools to help us navigate this mind field

0:56:08.320 --> 0:56:09.240
<v Speaker 2>of being a human being.

0:56:09.440 --> 0:56:12.959
<v Speaker 1>I completely agree. And actually part of my training, which

0:56:12.960 --> 0:56:15.239
<v Speaker 1>I think is such a valuable vantage point on all

0:56:15.280 --> 0:56:19.280
<v Speaker 1>of this, was in philosophy. The cognitive science major is multidisciplinary,

0:56:19.440 --> 0:56:28.760
<v Speaker 1>and so it includes neuroscience, psychology, linguistics, philosophy, computer science,

0:56:28.800 --> 0:56:31.239
<v Speaker 1>sometimes anthropology, and so the idea is that you're trying

0:56:31.280 --> 0:56:35.239
<v Speaker 1>to take a multifaceted view of a problem or a

0:56:35.320 --> 0:56:38.359
<v Speaker 1>question about the mind. Right. And I think so many

0:56:38.440 --> 0:56:42.600
<v Speaker 1>of the techniques that I talk about intersect with philosophy right,

0:56:43.040 --> 0:56:46.440
<v Speaker 1>and intersect with a number of these kinds of spiritual practices.

0:56:46.480 --> 0:56:49.800
<v Speaker 1>So I'm thinking about how I have a whole chapter

0:56:49.960 --> 0:56:53.080
<v Speaker 1>devoted to how in the throes of a big change

0:56:53.640 --> 0:56:58.839
<v Speaker 1>we do descend into these horrible, maddening mental spirals in

0:56:58.880 --> 0:57:01.960
<v Speaker 1>which we just keep or fixated on the same questions

0:57:02.000 --> 0:57:04.520
<v Speaker 1>over and over and over again. Either we're rehashing something

0:57:04.520 --> 0:57:08.000
<v Speaker 1>in the past or we're catastrophizing the future, but either

0:57:08.040 --> 0:57:11.600
<v Speaker 1>way we're engaging in an unproductive loop. And so there's

0:57:11.600 --> 0:57:17.280
<v Speaker 1>a lot of tools from psychology around how to forge

0:57:17.720 --> 0:57:22.120
<v Speaker 1>psychological distance, but they intersect beautifully with philosophy of the

0:57:22.160 --> 0:57:23.360
<v Speaker 1>mind what is the self?

0:57:24.720 --> 0:57:27.920
<v Speaker 2>And they intersect beautifully with spiritual traditions that have been

0:57:27.920 --> 0:57:29.320
<v Speaker 2>talking about this for ten thousand years.

0:57:29.360 --> 0:57:32.480
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely because this my grandmother did this stuff before and

0:57:32.520 --> 0:57:33.720
<v Speaker 1>before I even learned about it.

0:57:34.520 --> 0:57:38.440
<v Speaker 2>And the Vedas and Upanashads talk so much about consciousness

0:57:38.440 --> 0:57:43.880
<v Speaker 2>itself and being consciousness and bliss that is very much.

0:57:44.360 --> 0:57:47.480
<v Speaker 1>And radical acceptance is another thing suffering as a way

0:57:47.520 --> 0:57:48.000
<v Speaker 1>of life.

0:57:48.080 --> 0:57:50.280
<v Speaker 2>Before we finish, I want to talk about your your

0:57:50.440 --> 0:57:54.440
<v Speaker 2>your thoughts about rumination and thought loops and the kind

0:57:54.440 --> 0:57:57.080
<v Speaker 2>of that OCD thinking is. It's something that I've been

0:57:57.600 --> 0:58:00.920
<v Speaker 2>working with a lot in my life because I noticed

0:58:00.960 --> 0:58:01.840
<v Speaker 2>that I do it a lot.

0:58:01.960 --> 0:58:03.960
<v Speaker 1>I do too. I have like a PhD in rumination.

0:58:04.040 --> 0:58:08.360
<v Speaker 2>Dude, it's dude, yeah, I have like a master I'm

0:58:08.400 --> 0:58:09.680
<v Speaker 2>a lowly master's degree.

0:58:09.720 --> 0:58:12.080
<v Speaker 1>But it's not being such an underachiever rate. I know.

0:58:12.520 --> 0:58:15.200
<v Speaker 2>The uh it's like I describe it as like putting

0:58:15.200 --> 0:58:16.840
<v Speaker 2>a shoe in the dryer, you know, it's just like

0:58:16.840 --> 0:58:23.280
<v Speaker 2>the thought just goes cook kicking. And one of the

0:58:23.280 --> 0:58:27.280
<v Speaker 2>things that I was literally working on where you quote

0:58:27.400 --> 0:58:31.200
<v Speaker 2>the psychologist who talks about like naming the feelings that

0:58:31.280 --> 0:58:34.400
<v Speaker 2>are coming up is so helpful and I've I've I

0:58:34.440 --> 0:58:37.680
<v Speaker 2>was literally practicing that and this is such a great

0:58:38.040 --> 0:58:43.000
<v Speaker 2>you know, spiritual tool for modern living, which is you know,

0:58:43.120 --> 0:58:45.200
<v Speaker 2>I I go into like doubt and it's like, oh,

0:58:45.200 --> 0:58:47.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm feeling doubt, and then I have like some remorse

0:58:48.040 --> 0:58:50.840
<v Speaker 2>like oh now I'm feeling remorse and confusion like did

0:58:50.840 --> 0:58:53.880
<v Speaker 2>I do the right thing? Like oh now I'm feeling confusion.

0:58:53.920 --> 0:58:56.720
<v Speaker 2>Now fear of the future. Oh now I'm feeling some fear.

0:58:56.800 --> 0:58:59.800
<v Speaker 2>I'm feeling fear and a little remorse. Oh I'm it's

0:58:59.840 --> 0:59:04.160
<v Speaker 2>not ninety percent confusion and ten percent doubt and just

0:59:04.480 --> 0:59:08.000
<v Speaker 2>literally naming the feelings that I'm going through can be

0:59:08.240 --> 0:59:13.000
<v Speaker 2>incredibly helpful to dissipate them and to just make them okay.

0:59:13.320 --> 0:59:15.920
<v Speaker 2>It's like rain, You're all right. You're just having a

0:59:16.000 --> 0:59:18.080
<v Speaker 2>series of feelings. Sometimes they're contradictory.

0:59:18.160 --> 0:59:23.080
<v Speaker 1>This is called affect labeling, and when you give emotions

0:59:23.120 --> 0:59:27.320
<v Speaker 1>specific names, rather than just feeling like, oh I feel horrible, right,

0:59:27.600 --> 0:59:30.640
<v Speaker 1>they're like this is really negative. What you're doing is

0:59:30.640 --> 0:59:34.520
<v Speaker 1>you're shifting your focus away from being the emotion to

0:59:34.600 --> 0:59:37.920
<v Speaker 1>having the emotion. So that's one way of fostering that

0:59:38.040 --> 0:59:41.520
<v Speaker 1>kind of psychological distance that we often need between us

0:59:41.560 --> 0:59:43.400
<v Speaker 1>and the feelings that we're having, because then we can

0:59:43.400 --> 0:59:47.360
<v Speaker 1>see them with more clarity, more objectively. Another tool for

0:59:48.720 --> 0:59:52.920
<v Speaker 1>engaging in this kind of psychological distance is to imagine

0:59:52.960 --> 0:59:55.760
<v Speaker 1>that you are a fly on the wall observing your

0:59:55.760 --> 0:59:59.080
<v Speaker 1>situation from afar, or that you're coaching a friend. So

0:59:59.200 --> 1:00:03.440
<v Speaker 1>one thing that I'm sure you can resonate with is

1:00:04.240 --> 1:00:07.680
<v Speaker 1>after something negative happens, we tend to look inwards and

1:00:07.680 --> 1:00:10.960
<v Speaker 1>blame ourselves, right. We tend to think, oh, my god,

1:00:10.960 --> 1:00:12.480
<v Speaker 1>if I had just done X or Y or Z,

1:00:12.600 --> 1:00:14.200
<v Speaker 1>this wouldn't have happened. Why did I do that? Why

1:00:14.200 --> 1:00:15.720
<v Speaker 1>did I say that that was so awkward? Why I

1:00:15.720 --> 1:00:17.600
<v Speaker 1>say this? You know, just over and over and over again.

1:00:18.160 --> 1:00:20.120
<v Speaker 1>But when we were if we were to coach a friend,

1:00:21.160 --> 1:00:24.200
<v Speaker 1>we would extend so much more compassion to them than

1:00:24.240 --> 1:00:27.880
<v Speaker 1>we often reserve for ourselves. And we know from research

1:00:28.000 --> 1:00:32.000
<v Speaker 1>by the psychologist Kristin Neff and others that self compassion

1:00:32.040 --> 1:00:39.400
<v Speaker 1>isn't just like fantastic fantastic. Since christ is a friend,

1:00:39.400 --> 1:00:42.000
<v Speaker 1>she's amazing. Our work is incredible because it shows that

1:00:42.160 --> 1:00:45.520
<v Speaker 1>like self compassion isn't just like a nice to have,

1:00:45.600 --> 1:00:48.000
<v Speaker 1>feel good thing. It actually leads to way better outcomes

1:00:48.040 --> 1:00:52.000
<v Speaker 1>for people. It actually gets them to problem solve what's

1:00:52.000 --> 1:00:55.600
<v Speaker 1>happening with far more clarity than they would otherwise have,

1:00:55.760 --> 1:00:59.960
<v Speaker 1>and to perform better. And so pretending that you're advising

1:01:00.080 --> 1:01:01.800
<v Speaker 1>a friend, that you're coaching a friend out of their

1:01:01.840 --> 1:01:03.920
<v Speaker 1>problems can also be another way of forging that distance.

1:01:04.160 --> 1:01:08.680
<v Speaker 1>And then, interestingly enough, just changing whether you talk about

1:01:08.720 --> 1:01:11.080
<v Speaker 1>yourself in the first versus the second or third person

1:01:11.120 --> 1:01:13.480
<v Speaker 1>can be really helpful. So rather than saying, oh my god,

1:01:13.480 --> 1:01:16.320
<v Speaker 1>I need to get a grip, you say, maya, you

1:01:16.440 --> 1:01:19.600
<v Speaker 1>need to get a grip. And it sounds really gimmicky,

1:01:19.680 --> 1:01:21.959
<v Speaker 1>but it's shown to be super effective in a broad

1:01:22.080 --> 1:01:24.560
<v Speaker 1>range of context. It just makes that simple change.

1:01:24.680 --> 1:01:25.919
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's so cool.

1:01:26.000 --> 1:01:26.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

1:01:26.200 --> 1:01:27.680
<v Speaker 2>I was just talking to a friend this morning and

1:01:27.720 --> 1:01:29.640
<v Speaker 2>he said, like, you know, we beat ourselves up so

1:01:29.760 --> 1:01:32.720
<v Speaker 2>much and blame ourselves. We talk so negatively to ourselves.

1:01:33.480 --> 1:01:35.360
<v Speaker 2>Can you imagine if you were out in front of

1:01:35.400 --> 1:01:38.480
<v Speaker 2>a seven eleven and you saw an adult talking to

1:01:38.560 --> 1:01:40.240
<v Speaker 2>a nine year old in that same way, if you

1:01:40.240 --> 1:01:43.320
<v Speaker 2>saw an adult like you, fucking idiot, Why do you

1:01:43.520 --> 1:01:45.880
<v Speaker 2>do that? God, you always do that, you make that

1:01:45.920 --> 1:01:48.840
<v Speaker 2>same mistake. I'm just I'm disgusted with you now. That

1:01:48.840 --> 1:01:51.880
<v Speaker 2>person will never like you. Like if you heard that dialogue,

1:01:51.880 --> 1:01:55.160
<v Speaker 2>you'd be like, hey, wait a second, buddy. But yeah,

1:01:55.200 --> 1:01:56.840
<v Speaker 2>we do that to ourselves every day.

1:01:57.040 --> 1:01:59.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, absolutely, we use vile language to talk to ourselves.

1:02:00.080 --> 1:02:02.840
<v Speaker 1>One of the people I profile in the book had

1:02:02.960 --> 1:02:05.560
<v Speaker 1>panic attacks and it threatened his career as a journalist,

1:02:05.800 --> 1:02:10.960
<v Speaker 1>and he became convinced that he was completely worthless. He

1:02:11.000 --> 1:02:13.400
<v Speaker 1>lost all of his self esteem, and he believed that

1:02:14.360 --> 1:02:16.840
<v Speaker 1>he was a faulty human that like, you know, his

1:02:17.000 --> 1:02:19.200
<v Speaker 1>genes were screwed up. And it was only when he

1:02:19.240 --> 1:02:22.520
<v Speaker 1>talked to an evolutionary psychologist who explain that panic is

1:02:22.520 --> 1:02:24.960
<v Speaker 1>actually our ability to panic as humans is the reason

1:02:25.040 --> 1:02:27.960
<v Speaker 1>we survived as long as we have a species. That

1:02:28.040 --> 1:02:31.000
<v Speaker 1>he started to see, Oh so it's not that I'm broken.

1:02:31.400 --> 1:02:33.680
<v Speaker 1>Maybe I need to recalibrate my panic, but panic is

1:02:33.720 --> 1:02:37.120
<v Speaker 1>actually a really important superpower. But before then, he said,

1:02:37.440 --> 1:02:39.480
<v Speaker 1>I had a drill sergeant in my mind that was

1:02:39.520 --> 1:02:41.680
<v Speaker 1>just telling me every day that I wasn't.

1:02:41.440 --> 1:02:44.720
<v Speaker 2>Worthy a lot of times. Let's say we did something

1:02:44.760 --> 1:02:47.760
<v Speaker 2>and we screwed up some interaction and we have this

1:02:47.840 --> 1:02:51.640
<v Speaker 2>kind of like OCD guilt running over you know what

1:02:51.720 --> 1:02:55.760
<v Speaker 2>we did wrong? That the thought loop starts when we're

1:02:55.800 --> 1:02:59.600
<v Speaker 2>avoiding the feelings. Yes, so if you have a feeling

1:02:59.800 --> 1:03:04.000
<v Speaker 2>of of remorse or sadness, like we don't want to

1:03:04.000 --> 1:03:06.400
<v Speaker 2>feel remorse and sadness, so we immediately go to a

1:03:06.440 --> 1:03:08.480
<v Speaker 2>thought loop to try and get us out of feeling it.

1:03:09.440 --> 1:03:13.000
<v Speaker 2>But that the actual action is this immersion therapy of

1:03:13.080 --> 1:03:17.560
<v Speaker 2>like becoming ever closer to the feeling that is so

1:03:17.720 --> 1:03:20.400
<v Speaker 2>uncomfortable for us to feel. I need to just like

1:03:20.880 --> 1:03:23.320
<v Speaker 2>take deep breaths and just feel bad about myself for

1:03:23.320 --> 1:03:25.880
<v Speaker 2>a little bit. It doesn't mean shame, not beating myself

1:03:25.920 --> 1:03:29.400
<v Speaker 2>up but just just deep remorse and like I wish it,

1:03:29.480 --> 1:03:33.600
<v Speaker 2>and to allow yourself to like deeply experience that feeling

1:03:33.640 --> 1:03:38.200
<v Speaker 2>and then by and large, maybe thirty seconds later, maybe

1:03:38.200 --> 1:03:42.400
<v Speaker 2>two minutes later, that feeling lifts and becomes much more manageable.

1:03:42.600 --> 1:03:45.360
<v Speaker 2>Can you talk a little bit about these kind of

1:03:45.520 --> 1:03:50.920
<v Speaker 2>ruminative thought loops and how interacting with our feelings, embracing

1:03:50.960 --> 1:03:53.240
<v Speaker 2>our feelings can can help us move forward.

1:03:53.360 --> 1:03:58.360
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I think we crave what researchers call cognitive closure.

1:03:58.920 --> 1:04:02.680
<v Speaker 1>So we want and white answers. We want clarity, We

1:04:02.720 --> 1:04:06.600
<v Speaker 1>want to definitively understand why things turned out the way

1:04:06.600 --> 1:04:09.320
<v Speaker 1>they did. And I believe that it is that desire

1:04:09.560 --> 1:04:12.800
<v Speaker 1>for clarity that gives rise to these sorts of mental spirals.

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<v Speaker 1>And oftentimes when we climb out of the rubble of

1:04:16.840 --> 1:04:20.640
<v Speaker 1>a change or a negative event of some kind, all

1:04:20.640 --> 1:04:23.200
<v Speaker 1>we see around us is gray. There's no black and white.

1:04:23.680 --> 1:04:29.120
<v Speaker 1>Everything is uncertain. And I actually think that in the

1:04:29.160 --> 1:04:31.360
<v Speaker 1>longer term, yes, we can use all of these techniques

1:04:31.360 --> 1:04:34.640
<v Speaker 1>in the short term, right, but over the longer term

1:04:35.080 --> 1:04:38.120
<v Speaker 1>we have to train our psyche to become far more

1:04:38.120 --> 1:04:42.560
<v Speaker 1>comfortable with uncertainty. Our brains are not wired to like uncertainty.

1:04:42.840 --> 1:04:46.240
<v Speaker 1>One of my favorite studies shows that we're more stressed

1:04:46.240 --> 1:04:48.120
<v Speaker 1>when we're told we have a fifty percent chance of

1:04:48.160 --> 1:04:50.440
<v Speaker 1>getting an electric shock than when we're told we have

1:04:50.480 --> 1:04:53.240
<v Speaker 1>a one hundred percent chance of getting an electric shock.

1:04:53.640 --> 1:04:55.560
<v Speaker 1>So we would rather be certain that a negative thing

1:04:55.640 --> 1:04:57.520
<v Speaker 1>is going to happen than have to grapple with any

1:04:57.560 --> 1:05:00.480
<v Speaker 1>ambiguity or any uncertainty. But I think that's more of

1:05:00.560 --> 1:05:03.680
<v Speaker 1>a lifelong mission. Right, is to become comfortable with grace

1:05:03.720 --> 1:05:06.400
<v Speaker 1>space and to not have all the answers. I think

1:05:07.120 --> 1:05:10.680
<v Speaker 1>the devilish side of rumination is that we fool ourselves

1:05:10.680 --> 1:05:13.840
<v Speaker 1>into believing that if we can just stumble upon an answer,

1:05:14.000 --> 1:05:16.520
<v Speaker 1>it'll solve the problem. It'll give us a resolution we need.

1:05:16.600 --> 1:05:19.880
<v Speaker 1>Like if I can just figure out why my partner

1:05:19.960 --> 1:05:22.200
<v Speaker 1>left me, no one will ever leave me again. If

1:05:22.200 --> 1:05:24.640
<v Speaker 1>I can just figure out all the things that could

1:05:24.680 --> 1:05:27.040
<v Speaker 1>threaten my family's safety, I'll be able to keep them safe.

1:05:27.080 --> 1:05:29.600
<v Speaker 1>If I could just figure out why I lost my job,

1:05:29.720 --> 1:05:31.560
<v Speaker 1>then I can make sure I always have job security.

1:05:31.920 --> 1:05:34.640
<v Speaker 1>These this is just fool's gold right that we're playing

1:05:34.680 --> 1:05:38.520
<v Speaker 1>with in those moments, But it is so it's so

1:05:38.680 --> 1:05:41.360
<v Speaker 1>attractive to our minds to just want to get that

1:05:41.680 --> 1:05:46.200
<v Speaker 1>clarity right, that we will do anything to try to

1:05:46.240 --> 1:05:47.960
<v Speaker 1>find it, and then to your point, to try to

1:05:48.000 --> 1:05:52.240
<v Speaker 1>avoid the negative emotions that accompany that discomfort, right, and

1:05:52.840 --> 1:05:55.200
<v Speaker 1>the more that we can now, I want to caveat

1:05:55.280 --> 1:05:59.360
<v Speaker 1>one thing, which is it is important to acknowledge negative

1:05:59.360 --> 1:06:03.280
<v Speaker 1>emotions and not to suppress them, but it is also okay.

1:06:03.440 --> 1:06:07.840
<v Speaker 1>The research shows to distract yourself temporarily to engage in

1:06:07.880 --> 1:06:11.520
<v Speaker 1>healthy activities and behaviors that give you a reprieve from

1:06:11.560 --> 1:06:14.960
<v Speaker 1>the negative emotions. So researchers used to say, or at

1:06:15.000 --> 1:06:18.160
<v Speaker 1>least there's popular narratives online that if you don't persistently

1:06:18.320 --> 1:06:20.600
<v Speaker 1>confront your negative emotions, they're going to rear their ugly

1:06:20.640 --> 1:06:23.280
<v Speaker 1>head heads and decades from now and you're going to

1:06:23.280 --> 1:06:25.360
<v Speaker 1>be in therapy for the rest of your life. That's

1:06:25.400 --> 1:06:27.320
<v Speaker 1>been shown not to be true and doesn't account for

1:06:27.320 --> 1:06:30.640
<v Speaker 1>individual differences. So a lot of people actually find distraction

1:06:30.760 --> 1:06:34.400
<v Speaker 1>to be a healthy, productive coping mechanism, and it shows

1:06:34.440 --> 1:06:37.560
<v Speaker 1>to be very advantageous in the long run. That said,

1:06:37.720 --> 1:06:40.240
<v Speaker 1>you don't want to suppress the negative emotions because to

1:06:40.280 --> 1:06:43.320
<v Speaker 1>your point, when you're suppressing the negative emotions, that's what

1:06:43.360 --> 1:06:45.960
<v Speaker 1>can give rise to these very unproductive thought loops.

1:06:46.160 --> 1:06:49.200
<v Speaker 2>Well, Maya The Other Side of Change, who we become

1:06:49.280 --> 1:06:52.919
<v Speaker 2>when life makes other plans is brilliant and check out

1:06:53.120 --> 1:06:58.600
<v Speaker 2>her wonderful podcast, A Slight Change of Plans And this

1:06:58.760 --> 1:07:01.520
<v Speaker 2>was so much fun. I hope you'll come back on

1:07:01.560 --> 1:07:01.919
<v Speaker 2>the show.

1:07:02.000 --> 1:07:05.000
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I would love to come back. We barely scratch

1:07:05.040 --> 1:07:05.520
<v Speaker 1>the surface.

1:07:05.680 --> 1:07:07.640
<v Speaker 2>I know there's so much more to dig into, but

1:07:08.360 --> 1:07:09.960
<v Speaker 2>I got so much out of reading your book and

1:07:10.000 --> 1:07:12.800
<v Speaker 2>having this conversation. Thanks for coming on soul Boom.

1:07:12.840 --> 1:07:19.320
<v Speaker 1>This was my favorite favorite conversation you've ever had in

1:07:19.360 --> 1:07:20.080
<v Speaker 1>my whole life.

1:07:20.320 --> 1:07:21.360
<v Speaker 2>Even with your husband.

1:07:21.640 --> 1:07:24.000
<v Speaker 1>This is my favorite conversation that I've had about the book.

1:07:24.360 --> 1:07:24.760
<v Speaker 1>Thank you.

1:07:25.200 --> 1:07:31.080
<v Speaker 2>Thanks man the soul Boom Podcast. Subscribe now on YouTube, Spotify,

1:07:31.240 --> 1:07:34.480
<v Speaker 2>Apple Podcasts, and wherever else you get your stupid podcasts.

1:07:46.800 --> 1:07:50.040
<v Speaker 1>Hey, thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed this conversation,

1:07:50.240 --> 1:07:52.680
<v Speaker 1>you might enjoy listening to the first chapter of the

1:07:52.720 --> 1:07:55.600
<v Speaker 1>Other Side of Change, which we featured in this feed.

1:07:56.040 --> 1:07:59.240
<v Speaker 1>It's called a sneak preview of Maya's new book, And

1:07:59.280 --> 1:08:01.640
<v Speaker 1>if you've already read the book, I'd be so grateful

1:08:01.720 --> 1:08:04.440
<v Speaker 1>if you could share your experience on Goodreads with either

1:08:04.480 --> 1:08:08.160
<v Speaker 1>a quick rating or review. It really helps new readers

1:08:08.200 --> 1:08:10.840
<v Speaker 1>find the book. The link to that page and the

1:08:10.880 --> 1:08:13.600
<v Speaker 1>excerpt I just mentioned are both in our show notes.

1:08:14.280 --> 1:08:16.680
<v Speaker 1>We'll be back in a week with another episode of

1:08:16.720 --> 1:08:19.080
<v Speaker 1>a slight Change of Plans. I'll see you then