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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space, I think sometimes

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Speaker 2: when we come together as women and we just like

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Speaker 2: take off the veil and people are not trying to

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Speaker 2: be perfect and display this, you know, this sort of

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Speaker 2: mask that they masquerade, you know, through life with it's

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Speaker 2: just like a real raw ass moment and so I

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Speaker 2: miss that so much. And yeah, I would say my

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Speaker 2: favorite part about that is probably the sisterhood and just

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Speaker 2: being able to talk about things and you know, just

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Speaker 2: be yourself.

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Speaker 1: Thanks.

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Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or even a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA

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Speaker 2: moments or if you feel comforted throughout the episode, Lady,

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Speaker 2: please leave us a review and tell us what we're

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Speaker 2: doing right so we can stay on track. Also, we

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Speaker 2: release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe on

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Speaker 2: iTunes and visit herspace podcast dot com and enter your

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Speaker 2: email address to get updates about our live events and

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Speaker 2: all the new beginnings that we have for this year.

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Speaker 1: Than Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, a

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Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 2: black women can just.

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Speaker 1: Be Hey, lady, is doctor Dom here from the Herspace podcast.

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Speaker 1: Do you have a burning question you're dying to get

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Speaker 1: feedback on? Do you want an unbiased perspective on a

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Speaker 1: situation you're facing. If so, visit herspacepodcast dot com and

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Speaker 1: click ask doctor Dom under the start here option. Every Tuesday,

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Speaker 1: I'll choose a few questions and answer them at random.

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Speaker 1: Our quote of the day not all girls are made

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Speaker 1: of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are

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Speaker 1: made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine by anonymous team.

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Speaker 1: Are you ready for that sarcasm, that wine and everything fine, girl?

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Speaker 2: I sure am, because I will say when I hear

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Speaker 2: this quote, it makes me think of like my public

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Speaker 2: persona as opposed to the private persona with my girls,

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Speaker 2: because I feel like we get ratchet right. We just

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Speaker 2: were professional. We're just fun. We're just like saying anything

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Speaker 2: without judgment. You know, in the professional round, you got

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Speaker 2: to be it, You got to be a certain way,

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Speaker 2: because I feel like sometimes people don't know how to

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Speaker 2: separate that and they see you one way, like oh girl,

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Speaker 2: she was over here at work. Then it's like, okay,

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Speaker 2: I can still be professional in t work, right. So

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Speaker 2: that was just an example. But yeah, I love this

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Speaker 2: quote and I can't wait to jump into this conversation.

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Speaker 1: I know. As you said that though, that made me

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Speaker 1: think about like, oh wait, if I have students that

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Speaker 1: are listening, but you know what, how they see me

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Speaker 1: in the classroom or in the therapy session is yes,

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Speaker 1: a lot, maybe not a lot, but it's different than

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Speaker 1: how I am with my girls. There are certain boundaries

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Speaker 1: that you can just let go of yes.

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Speaker 2: And I think it's important too that we realize that

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Speaker 2: we are multifaceted. And I think for so long women

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Speaker 2: were seen as like monolithic, right, where you've got to

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Speaker 2: be this way and you've got to It's like, no,

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Speaker 2: we can have various traits across the spectrum, right, And

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Speaker 2: so that's what we're going to dive into today. Okay,

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Speaker 2: so you can get to get into our head and

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Speaker 2: see how we think about some of these topics as

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Speaker 2: we jump back to dom, can you tell us right,

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Speaker 2: because many of us have not had a girl's night

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Speaker 2: in a long time, and so when you think about girls'

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Speaker 2: nights with your girls, like what does that vibe look like?

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Speaker 2: How does it feel?

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Speaker 1: It feels like home? As I'm sitting here and now

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Speaker 1: I'm reflecting on when was the last time I had

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Speaker 1: like we're all in each other's faces girls' night, It's

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Speaker 1: been so long, and so you know, I think like

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Speaker 1: through this pandemic, I have had like you know, like

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Speaker 1: face times and zoom brunches and all of that with

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Speaker 1: multiple groups of girlfriends, which has been beautiful for us

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Speaker 1: to have like be able to kind of recreate that

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Speaker 1: space even though all of us are in different parts

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Speaker 1: of the country, but it's still not one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: the same as being in somebody's living room and we

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Speaker 1: all have our glasses of whatever, whether it's you know,

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Speaker 1: water or ginger ale or champagne or you know, your

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Speaker 1: your lemon drop martini or whatever your cocktail of choices,

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Speaker 1: and we're just up talking and somebody inevitably falls asleep

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Speaker 1: on the couch in the midst of the conversation and

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Speaker 1: you just kind of we all kind of look at

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Speaker 1: that person and laugh, because usually it's the same person

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Speaker 1: every time, and sometimes that person might be me, but

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Speaker 1: it's just it feels like home. What about ut? What

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Speaker 1: does girls night look like for you?

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Speaker 2: That brought up so many memories? Let me just say

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Speaker 2: I my girls' nights are different. Like I have so

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Speaker 2: many friends that don't know one another, so a lot

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Speaker 2: of times the girls' nights just like one on one

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Speaker 2: or like I'm with one of my girls. But the

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Speaker 2: last girl's night that I remember where like I had

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Speaker 2: most of my girls there on one's face was actually

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Speaker 2: right before my wedding, So I guess like a pre

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Speaker 2: vital sort of get together where it's like my sister

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Speaker 2: my best friend, my matron, some of my bridesmaids, and

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Speaker 2: we were all at my matron's house. I think it

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Speaker 2: was like the night before or for our get together,

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Speaker 2: and we were just like in her basement, super cozy

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Speaker 2: couch right, lights are dim, We had some music playing

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Speaker 2: in the background. We had a little blanket like the

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Speaker 2: fuzzy blanket I have on right now, and we were

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Speaker 2: just like literally just chilling on the couch. And the

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Speaker 2: thing about it is at that point in life, like

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Speaker 2: some of the women had kids, right, we were all

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Speaker 2: on different stages in our lives, and so we didn't

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Speaker 2: get to do stuff like that often. But typically with

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Speaker 2: girls nights, yes, we have our drink. Somebody just might

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Speaker 2: want to roll up a little something something, Okay, Like

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Speaker 2: you know, everybody got their own things, so somebody might

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Speaker 2: want to roll up a little something. I mean we're

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Speaker 2: just talking for hours. I mean we stay up so

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Speaker 2: late for girls' nights, right, we talk about everything. It's

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Speaker 2: like nothing's off the table, especially when you're with that

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Speaker 2: trusted girl group where you're like we can talk about everything, right,

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Speaker 2: and so, yeah, we just had a really good conversation.

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Speaker 2: Like you said, someone might fall asleep someone might randomly

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Speaker 2: like pass some gas or part and you're just like, girl,

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Speaker 2: don't you know what it is? That's the latest part too.

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Speaker 2: You might have some good food. It's just such a

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Speaker 2: vibe and like what you said really resonates, Like it

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Speaker 2: really makes me missing together, Don, because it feels like home.

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Speaker 2: It just feels like a safe space. It feels like sisterhood,

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Speaker 2: you know. And oftentimes, you know what we do. We

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Speaker 2: laugh a lot. We often get into deep topics and

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Speaker 2: we cry. It's literally like and I say this respectfully, Don,

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Speaker 2: but you know, people compare a therapy to like things

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Speaker 2: that are therapeutic for them, but it's like a therapy

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Speaker 2: session in some ways for us to like get those

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Speaker 2: things out and like talk about things. I remember the

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Speaker 2: last girl's night we had, like people talked about things

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Speaker 2: they had never spoken about out loud, right, and so

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Speaker 2: it was just like a magical experience. I think sometimes

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Speaker 2: when we come together as women and we just like

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Speaker 2: take off the veil and people are not trying to

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Speaker 2: be perfect and display this you know, this sort of

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Speaker 2: mask that they masquerade, you know, through life with, it's

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Speaker 2: just like a real raw ass moment. And so I

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Speaker 2: missed that so much. And yeah, I would say my

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Speaker 2: favorite part about that is probably the sisterhood and just

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Speaker 2: being able to talk about things and you know, just

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Speaker 2: be yourself.

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Speaker 1: Well, team, since we're here, let's do it. I got

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Speaker 1: a scenario for you.

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Speaker 2: Okay, let's do it, Lady. We're gonna have to pull

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Speaker 2: up a chair and we want to invite you to

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Speaker 2: our girls' night. Okay, so get your blanket, them the lights,

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Speaker 2: get your musical, and get your drink. I'm drinking H

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Speaker 2: two tonight and I got my head wrap.

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Speaker 1: I got my glass of champagne right here. I'm ready.

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Speaker 2: There you go, let's do it. What's the scenario?

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Speaker 1: Girl?

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Speaker 2: What are we diving into?

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Speaker 1: I mean, since we end it, we're in our save space,

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Speaker 1: right yes, So you know, I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: us have heard of this scenario, but one of our

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Speaker 1: listeners submitted this question to us, because you know, I

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Speaker 1: do our Ask Doctor Dom and lady, if you haven't

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Speaker 1: submitted a question yet by the end of tonight or

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Speaker 1: tonight's episode, you might have questions that you want answers to,

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Speaker 1: so don't hesitate to go to our website, herspace podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com, click ask doctor Dom and submit your question.

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Speaker 1: And your question may be a part of what it's

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Speaker 1: going to turn into a reoccurring girls' night on her space.

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Speaker 1: So this first scenario, one of my sisters there is

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Speaker 1: very quote unquote friendly and dress us provocatively, and she's

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Speaker 1: visiting for the holidays. Should I discuss my concerns about

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Speaker 1: her attire her behavior with her for my husband?

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Speaker 2: Okay, So a few things come up from me around

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Speaker 2: this time. I would say Number one, Well, when we

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Speaker 2: say friendly, I'm assuming that it may. I mean, we

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Speaker 2: all know that, like that friendly, watching that friendly woman

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Speaker 2: or man.

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Speaker 1: I use those air quotes so you know what you know,

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Speaker 1: so you.

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Speaker 2: Know, right, And so for those that are like wait,

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Speaker 2: wait friendly, you like a little too friendly? Like might

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Speaker 2: we touch you? Friendly? And all that. And so what

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Speaker 2: I think about from the scenario is one I'm always

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Speaker 2: torn when it comes to women dressing a certain way

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Speaker 2: because I now part of me is like, it's our body,

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Speaker 2: we should dress how we want to dress. It's on

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Speaker 2: other people men, especially in this case, to have discipline,

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Speaker 2: like you shouldn't be walking in to like if she

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Speaker 2: walks into the room and she got you know, her

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Speaker 2: cleavage out, you know, act like you saw it. Like

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Speaker 2: act like you've seen some titties before, like don't be

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Speaker 2: all extra you know, you chill, sir or whoever it

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Speaker 2: might be. So part of me is like, oh, putting

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Speaker 2: it on the woman is like sometimes kind of tricky,

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Speaker 2: but at the same time, down I will be honest

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Speaker 2: and I'm not saying this is the right thing. But

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Speaker 2: when I go into another woman's house, like my best

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Speaker 2: friend or other women that I know who have husbands

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Speaker 2: or partners that are there, I typically am mindful of,

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Speaker 2: like how I dress. I just don't feel comfortable. I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to go into someone's house, you know, especially

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Speaker 2: if we're like not going out club and stuff like that.

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Speaker 2: Like I'm gonna be mindful of like the way that

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Speaker 2: I'm carrying myself because I don't want anything to be

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Speaker 2: taken the wrong way. And that's just me. Like that's

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Speaker 2: something my mom taught me growing up, is like you

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Speaker 2: don't need to be extra friendly with your friends, men

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Speaker 2: or partners, like that's just just be cool, be chilled.

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Speaker 2: And so I'm mindful of that, right, So it's like

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Speaker 2: girl code for me. So I would say in this scenario,

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Speaker 2: I think typically in any scenario that's involving your partner

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Speaker 2: and someone that might be acting a certain way, I

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Speaker 2: will say go to the partner first, Like I'm typically

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Speaker 2: not the person that's like, oh the other woman, dah

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Speaker 2: da da. I'm like, let me have a conversation with

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Speaker 2: my partner. So it depends like in this scenario, is

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Speaker 2: is there a situation where her partner has like seen

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Speaker 2: her sister come over and like he's you know, staring

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Speaker 2: at her, he's like feeding into the friendliness, or he's

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Speaker 2: doing too much. If that's the case, I think having

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Speaker 2: a conversation beforehand could be a possibility. I just wonder

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Speaker 2: how that will go over, Like if you talk to

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Speaker 2: your friend about it if that's the way she dresses,

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Speaker 2: and it could come off as being insecure, not saying

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Speaker 2: it's wrong, right lady, because you may have gone through

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Speaker 2: this before. I'm just talking about options and different consequences

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Speaker 2: and options, right. So the other thing is like, if

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Speaker 2: you do say it to your friend, it could be

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Speaker 2: I don't know, it could be offensive, right, Like what

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Speaker 2: if I'm the friend or the sister and my you know,

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Speaker 2: sister comes to me and she's like, oh, I don't

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Speaker 2: feel comfortable with the way you dress. When you come

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Speaker 2: to my house. But what if it's really like a

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Speaker 2: low key style and I'm like, I didn't even wear

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Speaker 2: anything crazy, you know. Now it sounds like you're insecure

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Speaker 2: about your partner and not necessarily about woman. So this

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Speaker 2: is one of those tricky situations. I would say, definitely

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Speaker 2: have a conversation with the partner about the way you feel,

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Speaker 2: and maybe you can talk about like where's that, maybe

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Speaker 2: asking yourself to like what's really bothering me about this?

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Speaker 2: Like what's coming up for me? Because I don't know

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Speaker 2: about you down. There are definitely times, typically around that

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Speaker 2: time of the month, where I feel a little more

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Speaker 2: insecure than usual, And I find that when I feel

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Speaker 2: more insecure, that's when things like this bother me as

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Speaker 2: far as like oh something happened over here, like something

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Speaker 2: looks a certain way and I'm like hyper sensitive, Whereas

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Speaker 2: there are other times where I feel super secure and

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Speaker 2: I'm just like okay, like you know it is what

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Speaker 2: it is, you know what I mean. So I think

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Speaker 2: it really depends what do you think about the scenario.

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Speaker 1: I agree with what you said, Tee. I think it's

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Speaker 1: a conversation that needs to have that I would probably

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Speaker 1: have with both people, right, But I like what you

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Speaker 1: said of like stepping back and really looking at the situation,

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Speaker 1: Because if it's a situation where I've noticed some behavior

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Speaker 1: from my partner, then I'm gonna go to him and

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Speaker 1: have a conversation with him. I'm going to address it

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Speaker 1: with him first, right, because my friend is going to

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Speaker 1: address how she chooses to dress, So then I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: go to him and have a conversation about how he

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Speaker 1: may be engaging with her. If that's not the case,

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Speaker 1: if I haven't noticed anything, you know, that seems out

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Speaker 1: of place with how my partner's engaging with my friend,

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Speaker 1: then I think I would like step back and like

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Speaker 1: ask myself, let me kind of lean into what like

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Speaker 1: lean into some curiosity of what is really coming up

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Speaker 1: for me, Like you said, like is it an issue

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Speaker 1: of I'm feeling insecure right now? And is it just

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Speaker 1: a temporary feeling of insecurity or is there something deeper

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Speaker 1: within the friendship that I need to address, Like the

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Speaker 1: onus isn't gonna only be on my friend. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: think the biggest thing is about respect, right for everybody involved.

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Speaker 1: That I'm going to have a conversation, you know, my

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Speaker 1: partner and I should be hopefully or in a space

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Speaker 1: in our relationship that we can have those types of conversations.

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Speaker 1: And I'm also hoping that my partner is not I

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Speaker 1: am my friend in that way, right or I ain't

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Speaker 1: anyone who comes in my house in that way, because

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Speaker 1: to me, then that's a bigger issue.

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Speaker 2: That's a really good point, Dom. I am with you.

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Speaker 2: I think that for any scenario, I think going within

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Speaker 2: is really key because, like you said, and like we've

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Speaker 2: been discussing here, it's important for you to understand what's

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Speaker 2: being triggered within me. Is it that I want more

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Speaker 2: attention from my partner? Is it that I don't feel

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Speaker 2: as beautiful? Is it that I feel threatened by this

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Speaker 2: person because maybe she has a bomb as bye, and

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Speaker 2: maybe that's bringing up something for me. But I feel

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Speaker 2: like if you can get down to the trigger, or

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Speaker 2: maybe it's just uncomfortable because you're like, you know what

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Speaker 2: I feel like when she walked into the kitchen, she

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Speaker 2: got this fat ass, and I feel like my male

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Speaker 2: was looking at her ass. Whatever it might be, I

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Speaker 2: feel like understand that so that one you can go

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Speaker 2: to your partner and ideally you're in a relationship where

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Speaker 2: you can share, like, you know what, I felt a

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Speaker 2: little and secure about this, and maybe that way your

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Speaker 2: partner can like let you know how beautiful you are,

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Speaker 2: right and like and kind of give you what you

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Speaker 2: need as far as your insecurity. And then also maybe

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Speaker 2: you can bring up a concern, like you know, I

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Speaker 2: thought I saw you kind of staring. I'm not trying

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Speaker 2: to accuse you, but that's what I thought I saw.

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Speaker 2: Can we make sure like that doesn't happen? Right? And

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Speaker 2: the other thing I was going to say is I

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Speaker 2: actually asked a male friend about this question, but I

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Speaker 2: posed it like from a guy's perspective, and I was like,

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Speaker 2: if you had a homeboy that came over and like,

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Speaker 2: you know, he had on some I don't know, some

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Speaker 2: type of shorts or pants, and like his DIFFERNT was

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Speaker 2: just like boom, your girl was around, Like what would

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Speaker 2: you do? And he actually said, like I would pull

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Speaker 2: them aside and be like my man, like what's good?

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Speaker 2: Like you guys, you guys your stuff all hanging out

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Speaker 2: with my girls right here? So I feel like, I

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Speaker 2: don't know, it feels like a double standard. It feels

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Speaker 2: like different for guys at the same time, time you

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Speaker 2: brought something out about staring, and my thing is we

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Speaker 2: all kind of stare. Like I feel like I look

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Speaker 2: at women and men depending on how they're dressed. So like,

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Speaker 2: if a woman is dressed and like her cleavage are showing,

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna be eyeball on her cleavage, but like

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Speaker 2: you notice it, and then I feel like you want

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Speaker 2: like really big butts. I feel like sometimes you're like,

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Speaker 2: I guess a woman you might be like, damn girl,

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Speaker 2: you know, or a dick print and you're like, oh

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Speaker 2: my god, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: So like there's a difference though, Like there's a difference

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Speaker 1: because that is a valid point. I appreciate you pointing

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Speaker 1: that out. That is a valid point that we all

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Speaker 1: look right, and even the person who says they don't,

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Speaker 1: they do. But there's a look right. There's a difference

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Speaker 1: between a glance of like, Okay, this woman is walking,

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Speaker 1: this is a beautiful woman, a universally attractive woman is

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Speaker 1: walking in the lunge and she's got her cleavage showing,

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Speaker 1: or she's wearing something form fitting, everyone will take notice, right,

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Speaker 1: But I think the difference becomes in how often are

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Speaker 1: you glancing over there at her. How long are you

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Speaker 1: glancing at her? Right? And the thing is to you

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Speaker 1: know your partner, so you know if your partner is

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Speaker 1: one like what that means, right, Like is it, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm glancing at her and when we have in pillow

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Speaker 1: talk later we gonna we gonna clown right? Or is

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Speaker 1: it he's glancing over there? And it's more of like

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Speaker 1: a longing or like an attraction that could be problematic?

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Speaker 1: So like, as women, we kind of know, right, And

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Speaker 1: so I think that's more of what I'm leaning into.

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Speaker 1: I think the other piece so that you brought out

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Speaker 1: of like pulling, like of how the guy said they

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Speaker 1: would pull each other aside, right. I think we also

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Speaker 1: have to acknowledge that sometimes there are women who have

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Speaker 1: malicious intent.

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Speaker 2: Ooh girl, you better preach, so come on.

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Speaker 1: Our hope would be that that's not the type of

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Speaker 1: friend that we bring into our household, that that's not

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Speaker 1: the friend that we have in our life. But I

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Speaker 1: think about particularly some of our younger listeners, like under thirty,

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Speaker 1: to me, it feels like that's when it's more likely

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Speaker 1: to happen. Not that it can't happen older, but it

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Speaker 1: seems to be more likely to happen when you're under thirty,

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Speaker 1: like college age, and you're still trying to figure some

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Speaker 1: of that stuff out. If that's the type of friend

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Speaker 1: that you have around, then it definitely should be a conversation.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I'm glad you said that, Don because you are

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Speaker 2: so right about that. I've heard so many stories about

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Speaker 2: people who you think are your friends, who are like

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Speaker 2: low key trying to you know, get your man's attention

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Speaker 2: and stuff like that. And that's where I mean, I'm

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Speaker 2: very particular about the energy and the people that come

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Speaker 2: into my household, Like everybody can't just come into my

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Speaker 2: house or around my man because certain people are around

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Speaker 2: my family for that matter, because certain people have different energy.

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Speaker 2: And I feel like discernment is really key too, Like

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Speaker 2: if you're vibing with someone and you're like you're really

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00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,080
Speaker 2: doing the most, like you're laughing extra hard of the jokes,

389
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Speaker 2: or you're like you really like going above and beyond,

390
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,439
Speaker 2: you know, to do x y Z, I think it's

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Speaker 2: something to be mindfuff So that was a nice little scenario, So, Lady,

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Speaker 2: thank you so much for sharing that with doctor Dom

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00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,840
Speaker 2: for the Talk Back Tuesday segment. Our next scenario, Dom

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00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,560
Speaker 2: get ready for this and write the next scenario here

395
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,200
Speaker 2: is my girlfriend got me an anniversary gift, and I

396
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,840
Speaker 2: clearly spent more on her gift and put more effort

397
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Speaker 2: into it. How do I tell her how I feel

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Speaker 2: without hurting her feelings?

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Speaker 1: Oh? Call me all that's hard? Yeah, so okay. When

400
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Speaker 1: I hear that, though, what immediately comes up for me

401
00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:03,560
Speaker 1: is questions, Right, so are you hurt by the money

402
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 1: that you put in or the effort that you put in?

403
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,399
Speaker 1: Because those tie into two different things for me, right,

404
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,720
Speaker 1: So I mean both of them lead to having a

405
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,840
Speaker 1: conversation with your partner, Like, I think that's the that's

406
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,560
Speaker 1: going to be my bottom line is that have a

407
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Speaker 1: conversation with your partner, like, because if you're building a

408
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Speaker 1: healthy relationship, then you want to let them know how

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Speaker 1: you're feeling. Right. But those are two different things. So

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Speaker 1: if you are more so hurt about how much money

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Speaker 1: you spent on her gifts, then there's a conversation around

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Speaker 1: expectations for gifts, right, and like maybe creating a budget

413
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Speaker 1: and we say, you know, hey, for our anniversary, our

414
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Speaker 1: budget is five hundred dollars a person on the gift, right,

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Speaker 1: just throwing out an arbitrary number.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I like this game, right, Like.

417
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Speaker 1: Say we set a budget, so then that way both

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Speaker 1: people kind of know, Okay, here's the range of type

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Speaker 1: of gifts that I can expect, right, And within that

420
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Speaker 1: budget conversation, you're going to think about, like what is

421
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Speaker 1: each person's income level, Like you're dude, you're tossing out

422
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Speaker 1: five hundred dollars, but you make double what I make.

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Speaker 1: I can't afford a five hundred dollars gift, so maybe

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Speaker 1: you can afford to spend more. And I did the

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Speaker 1: best that I could based on the income that I have. Right,

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Speaker 1: But it leads to let's have a conversation about this,

427
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Speaker 1: like what are the expectations, and then the piece about

428
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,600
Speaker 1: the effort and the thought that's not about money, right,

429
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Speaker 1: Like I could be unemployed for the last year and

430
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,920
Speaker 1: I can still think of a thoughtful gift to give

431
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Speaker 1: my partner that shows my love and appreciation right now.

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Speaker 1: Whether or not my partner accepts it, that's a different story,

433
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:25,359
Speaker 1: because again it leads to it. It's about having a

434
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 1: conversation around what are the expectations do you want me

435
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,760
Speaker 1: to have to give you a gift where I put

436
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,879
Speaker 1: a lot of effort in thought and money is no

437
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: object or are you wanting Because to me, if you're

438
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:44,119
Speaker 1: also building like a healthy relationship, then we are going

439
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,400
Speaker 1: to have a conversation about like our finances and how

440
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,480
Speaker 1: how that shows up in the relationship.

441
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's really really good. I think you pretty much

442
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,640
Speaker 2: got this one covered. I would just add, you know,

443
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,560
Speaker 2: I think leaning into curiosity is always key. So it

444
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,359
Speaker 2: might even be like, hey, babe, I just to talk

445
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:02,399
Speaker 2: to you about something I was thinking about, like what

446
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,199
Speaker 2: inspired you to get this gift for me? Like what,

447
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,760
Speaker 2: I don't know, what did you think about or what

448
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,479
Speaker 2: went into play as you got this gift and kind

449
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,160
Speaker 2: of hearing their thought process because maybe there was more

450
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 2: effort on there end, but they misread something like I

451
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:17,159
Speaker 2: remember getting a gift years ago because like literally, So

452
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 2: what I typically do is I'll keep it like we

453
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 2: me and my husband both do this, like we'll have

454
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:24,439
Speaker 2: a notepad whenever someone mentions, you know, if he mentions

455
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 2: like oh I like something, we'll be taking notes throughout

456
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,040
Speaker 2: the year. Really so I just had like a running tab.

457
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,879
Speaker 2: But I think there was something that was like a

458
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,080
Speaker 2: year ago that he really liked. When we were traveling

459
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 2: and so I ended up getting that he actually forgot

460
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,639
Speaker 2: about it. So in my mind, I was like, oh,

461
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,440
Speaker 2: I put this effort into it and he liked the gift,

462
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,800
Speaker 2: but it like it meant more to me than I

463
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,200
Speaker 2: think it meant to him, because I was like, oh,

464
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,639
Speaker 2: he probably doesn't even remember he really liked this cologne

465
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,520
Speaker 2: when we were traveling and I tried to, you know,

466
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 2: get that. So I think understanding their thought process starting

467
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 2: there could give you a bit like a better perspective

468
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 2: on like, oh, maybe they did put effort into it,

469
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 2: or maybe they heard you say something, but maybe you

470
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,680
Speaker 2: were just kind of casually saying it. And when you said,

471
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I really wanted that little massage neck

472
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,600
Speaker 2: pillow that you saw at two in the morning we

473
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 2: all watching TV and you just wanted it because your

474
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 2: neck was hurt at the moment, and they were like,

475
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,120
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I'm gonna get this as an anniversary gift.

476
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 2: And when you learn that they you know what I mean,

477
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 2: like they tied that together from that experience, it might

478
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,120
Speaker 2: make you like, oh, okay, I understand how they got there.

479
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,720
Speaker 2: So I think coming from a place of curiosity is key.

480
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,479
Speaker 2: And also, like you said dom having a budget and

481
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,680
Speaker 2: like talk having these conversations prior, like I know, leading

482
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,000
Speaker 2: up to different birthdays and things like that, will ask like, hey,

483
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 2: what do you really want and don't give me the

484
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 2: I don't know, you better figure something out because if

485
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:33,959
Speaker 2: I come to you with a gift and they were like,

486
00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 2: why didn't want this? Then you come on, now, we

487
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 2: can't be mind readers now. So I mean that's I think,

488
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,840
Speaker 2: having open dialogue. But then I think after you get

489
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 2: to that, I think there is a point where you

490
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,199
Speaker 2: have to be honest and lean into we have a

491
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,680
Speaker 2: complic resolution episode right now when we lean into how

492
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,240
Speaker 2: to have constructive conversations. And so just letting her know,

493
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 2: like you know what, you know, I appreciate that effort

494
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,720
Speaker 2: because if you hear her say, oh, yeah, it was

495
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,640
Speaker 2: two in the morning and you said this, I appreciate

496
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 2: the effort. And I kind of felt like I just

497
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 2: put so much effort in thought into the gift that

498
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,240
Speaker 2: I got you, and I saw that this was, you know,

499
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,639
Speaker 2: only forty nine ninety nine. I spent five hundred on

500
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,440
Speaker 2: year gift. It kind of felt like there was a

501
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 2: big discrepancy there, and so I think maybe moving forward,

502
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 2: we should like set a limit or have a conversation

503
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,159
Speaker 2: about this to make sure that we're kind of on

504
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,440
Speaker 2: an even playing field, right, if, of course, your finances allows.

505
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:24,920
Speaker 2: But that's definitely a tricky one.

506
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:28,600
Speaker 1: It can be because you know, as you were talking

507
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, yeah, like it even brings

508
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 1: up just the notion of having a conversation about gifts

509
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,520
Speaker 1: in general, right, because like I know, like I have

510
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:46,040
Speaker 1: some friends who they're at a stage in their relationship

511
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 1: where they said, like, we get each other things throughout

512
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:54,160
Speaker 1: the year that we don't focus on buying gifts per se.

513
00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 1: We take trips or we have experiences. That's what we

514
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,160
Speaker 1: do to sell a great like birthdays, anniversaries, things like that.

515
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 1: And then I have other friends that are like, no,

516
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 1: my love language is gifts, So like, yeah, throughout the year,

517
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:15,600
Speaker 1: you're gonna give me things, but you're gonna go above

518
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 1: and beyond on special occasions because that's my love language.

519
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:25,480
Speaker 1: And so I think it just boils down to communicating.

520
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 1: And as we're thinking about it, I was like, I

521
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 1: could imagine a lady is out there listening, like, but

522
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 1: we just started dating two months ago, Yes, you can

523
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: still have this conversation and you just started dating two

524
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: months ago, Because if you are dating with the intent

525
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:52,880
Speaker 1: of it leading into a long lasting relationship, then even

526
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,720
Speaker 1: at two months, you're building the foundation. So you want

527
00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:01,119
Speaker 1: to make sure that it's a solid foundation. And that

528
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:05,160
Speaker 1: solid foundation looks like communicating about everything that you need

529
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 1: up front, because then two months in they could say, oh, well,

530
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 1: your idea of gifts is not my idea of gifts,

531
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:16,880
Speaker 1: and that makes us incompatible. So I wish you well

532
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,200
Speaker 1: on your journey, but I'm out.

533
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,320
Speaker 2: Okay, because if she like, I want a burke in,

534
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 2: you were like, yeah, I'll make exactly. I don't make

535
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,320
Speaker 2: freaking money. So yes, I love that you said that.

536
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 2: That's a really good point.

537
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,160
Speaker 1: You ready for scenario number three?

538
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 2: Oh lord, let's let's see what is. Let's see what's happening.

539
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: Your cousin is visiting for the holidays, and everybody in

540
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:47,160
Speaker 1: the family says they're a thief. Right anytime they come

541
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:51,640
Speaker 1: to visit, whenever they leave, there's always money missing. How

542
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 1: do you handle that you got the thief in the house.

543
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 2: Lord, have mercy? Well, let me just say, unfortunately, I

544
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,600
Speaker 2: have dealt with this before, not necessarily with a cousin,

545
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,720
Speaker 2: but with family members. And so this is tough because

546
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,280
Speaker 2: in the situations that I've had with this now there

547
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 2: was no actual proof, but everybody kind of know like

548
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:16,880
Speaker 2: this person has sticky fingers, right, So honestly, what I

549
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,440
Speaker 2: personally did in this scenario was like there was a point,

550
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 2: and I know it's so sad to have to do

551
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 2: this with family, but like I would leave all my

552
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 2: shit of value in the car, Like when I was

553
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:27,760
Speaker 2: visiting their place, I would leave all my shit in

554
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 2: the car because I'm like, all right, let me put

555
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,280
Speaker 2: this in the trunk, leave my bag in the trunk,

556
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 2: and only bring in, you know, exactly what I need

557
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 2: to bring in, which is really sad to have to

558
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,120
Speaker 2: do with family. But if they're coming to my place,

559
00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 2: I think typically if folks are coming over for the holidays,

560
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 2: there's like a limited area on like where they're going

561
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 2: to be, you know what I mean, Like everyone's like

562
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 2: no one's coming into my bedroom, and we're pretty much

563
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 2: going to be like a central location. So I think,

564
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 2: you know, moving stuff. The only reason I'm kind of like, oh,

565
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,480
Speaker 2: a little leary about actually addressing it head on is

566
00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 2: if you don't have solid proof it's kind of hard

567
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,960
Speaker 2: to approach someone about it unless you have cameras in

568
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,040
Speaker 2: the crib and you're like, yo, I definitely saw yo

569
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 2: ass still x y Z. So I think that's an option.

570
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 2: The other thing I would say is kind of bringing

571
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:17,840
Speaker 2: it up amongst a larger group, So just being like, hey, y'all, like,

572
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,480
Speaker 2: I'm sorry to have to do this, but I realized

573
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 2: that we have x y Z missing right now, and

574
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 2: look at everybody's face, like, all right, who's looking real guilty?

575
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 2: You know what I mean, or at least just putting

576
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 2: it out there so people know, like I'm really sorry.

577
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,920
Speaker 2: I think I was actually somewhere when that happened where

578
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,640
Speaker 2: I can't remember what it was, but someone had mentioned

579
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 2: that something was stolen, and so it put everyone else

580
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:38,960
Speaker 2: on a litter so everyone else was able to like

581
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 2: protect their things, because when you don't steal, I mean,

582
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 2: you don't often think or if you haven't been robbed,

583
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 2: like you don't think about, oh I got to you know,

584
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,000
Speaker 2: make sure I put my purse here, keep it with

585
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,480
Speaker 2: me if I'm going to this family function. So that's

586
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 2: a really sensitive topic, and I think without seeing someone

587
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 2: do it red handed, I would feel kind of weird

588
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 2: approaching them, you know what I mean.

589
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,880
Speaker 1: So here's my initial thought on that, because I feel

590
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:06,640
Speaker 1: you on feeling weird, right, So the piece of me

591
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:13,360
Speaker 1: that aspires to be healthier in my general dialogues with

592
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 1: people and truly polite, that piece of me would say,

593
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: let's lean into some curiosity on this and not automatically

594
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:34,959
Speaker 1: assume the worst. And so having a conversation with that

595
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: family member. Right, so I know ahead of time this

596
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 1: person is coming over to my house, so then or

597
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 1: if I know ahead of time that this is because

598
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:48,560
Speaker 1: sometimes you know, folks be surprising you. So I know

599
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 1: ahead of time that this person is coming to my house,

600
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,959
Speaker 1: so I can call them and have a phone conversation

601
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: with them and say, you know, just kind of inquire

602
00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 1: about their financial situation without like making an and that's

603
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:05,480
Speaker 1: going to be an uncomfortable situation regardless, right, But what

604
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 1: it does is that allows me to kind of give

605
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: them the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully they will engage

606
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: in the conversation. But it's a conversation where we're kind

607
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,640
Speaker 1: of talking about, like, how are you really doing right?

608
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,440
Speaker 1: And then if it leads to it just being direct

609
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:27,080
Speaker 1: and saying you know, the talk in the family is

610
00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 1: that you are stealing things, and I don't want that

611
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:37,320
Speaker 1: to make this visit uncomfortable for you. Let's just be

612
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 1: real with it. Let's just have a conversation if you are, like,

613
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:45,120
Speaker 1: if you are in need of money or whatever it is,

614
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 1: let me know and as a family, we'll figure it out. Right,

615
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:58,600
Speaker 1: that's higher functioning, Like way up there, we're going to

616
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:03,920
Speaker 1: really take this caring approach right now, what usually goes

617
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:08,720
Speaker 1: down in families is since we're having girl time, like,

618
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:13,000
Speaker 1: let's just be we gonna be real, right, what usually

619
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 1: goes down in families is that we typically know that

620
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:21,200
Speaker 1: that person who is stealing has a gambling problem, is

621
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 1: on drugs, or has some extreme financial other financial issues. Right,

622
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 1: those are usually the three scenarios for why that person

623
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: is stealing from family. Right. So then to me, it

624
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,840
Speaker 1: becomes we can call them out or call them in

625
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:47,200
Speaker 1: like you mentioned, and have a family meeting to talk

626
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 1: about it, right, because it's a matter of addressing the

627
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: bigger issue that leads to the stealing. And so even

628
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 1: if you're having that higher level dialogue, one thing that

629
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: you could do because again the chances are you probably

630
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: know what's leading them to engage in this behavior anyway

631
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,000
Speaker 1: is say like, hey, can we get you some help.

632
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:15,160
Speaker 1: You could also set a boundary and say, unfortunately, you're

633
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 1: not welcome in my house, like I know that you

634
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:25,719
Speaker 1: have stolen from my house, or I know you know

635
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 1: you stolen from so and so's house. Auntie joe An

636
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 1: you stole from her house. You're not welcome here. It

637
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: could be uncomfortable, but you've got to decide what's more

638
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: important for you, right, Like do you want to like

639
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:51,520
Speaker 1: put go through putting all of your stuff away, locking

640
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 1: all of your stuff up, telling everyone in the family

641
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 1: don't bring in any of your valuables in the house.

642
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,600
Speaker 1: Like do you want to continuously go through that because

643
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:05,319
Speaker 1: that's going to happen at every family function. Or do

644
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,640
Speaker 1: you want to help that family member address the bigger

645
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 1: issue or at least make them aware that you all

646
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:12,720
Speaker 1: know that they have this bigger issue.

647
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh, this is so tricky. I'm actually thinking back

648
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 2: to moments where stuff like this has happened too, and

649
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,480
Speaker 2: I one thing that I realized is some people that

650
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 2: are like clectose, they who just still even if they're

651
00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 2: not in a bad financial position, like they'll just do

652
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,760
Speaker 2: it for the thrill of it. I think about people

653
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,279
Speaker 2: like that. But then also how because I've watched so

654
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 2: many scenarios of this over the years, and the people

655
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:38,120
Speaker 2: who do it, they'll typically deny, deny, deny to the

656
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 2: death of them, right. And I have seen situations where

657
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,399
Speaker 2: some people do set a boundary and they're like, well,

658
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,200
Speaker 2: this person is not allowed to my house. I have

659
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,040
Speaker 2: seen that as well. I find it sometimes it's tricky

660
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 2: when the person's like older than you, like if it's

661
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 2: an elder, you know, Like those are the situations where

662
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 2: it's just like everyone knows and I'm just like, yeah,

663
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 2: I'm trying to stay out of this. But I think

664
00:35:58,160 --> 00:35:59,680
Speaker 2: in an ideal world you would be able to have

665
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:03,480
Speaker 2: a kind ofation. But honestly, like when it comes to stealing,

666
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:07,640
Speaker 2: it's just so frustrating when someone takes your stuff that

667
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,680
Speaker 2: you've worked so hard for. So I can see how

668
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,600
Speaker 2: it can be a situation where people are like very

669
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 2: angry and they're not trying to have the constructive you know,

670
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:20,120
Speaker 2: leaning into curiosity conversation, right, And those are I mean,

671
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 2: I think this is a good conversation on the different

672
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:26,120
Speaker 2: options that you can explore if this does happen because

673
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:30,160
Speaker 2: I think that, unfortunately, some of us have dealt with

674
00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 2: this and are dealing with it, you.

675
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,440
Speaker 1: Know, right, But I like what you said about like

676
00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:37,600
Speaker 1: if that person is older, it may be difficult. That's

677
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,920
Speaker 1: when you get allies, right, Like, that's when you're like,

678
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 1: all right, well, if I'm Joanne is actually a person

679
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:47,680
Speaker 1: who's stealing, then let's get Uncle Jeff. And Uncle Jeff

680
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:50,080
Speaker 1: is going to help us set this boundary because we

681
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:54,319
Speaker 1: know that he's somebody that I'm Joyanne respects mm hmm.

682
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:58,640
Speaker 1: So like maybe we can, you know, rally like gather

683
00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: some allies to help us at the boundaries.

684
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:06,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it is tricky, it is. These are tough

685
00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:10,000
Speaker 2: all right. Don a you ready for this last scenario

686
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:11,480
Speaker 2: here that was submitted?

687
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:16,719
Speaker 1: Yes, because I think this one problem the toughest one. Yeah.

688
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:20,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is definitely a tricky one. Okay. So my

689
00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:24,440
Speaker 2: friend's husband sends me a message and starts telling me

690
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 2: how my friend has been acting different, and he asks

691
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:32,640
Speaker 2: me if there's anything going on. For the record, I

692
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 2: know that she's cheating. What should I do and say

693
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:41,960
Speaker 2: to him or her?

694
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 1: There?

695
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 2: You were quiet over there?

696
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:50,880
Speaker 1: I am because the thing is is that this is

697
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: a dilemma of like moral and ethics, right, yeah, of

698
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: like okay, so like one like, well how do I

699
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:07,040
Speaker 1: feel about cheating? Right? And then two, so like how

700
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:09,640
Speaker 1: do I feel about cheating? And how would I want

701
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: someone to engage me if this were the scenario, right,

702
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:19,479
Speaker 1: if I were in their shoes? Right? And then the

703
00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:23,920
Speaker 1: next part of that is, but my loyalty is to

704
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:29,919
Speaker 1: my friend, right, So I'm not going to out my friend.

705
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:35,160
Speaker 1: I'm just not that's not happening, right, because my loyalty

706
00:38:35,239 --> 00:38:38,319
Speaker 1: is to her. What I would say, and I think

707
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,440
Speaker 1: that there's a piece of me that can kind of

708
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:45,280
Speaker 1: get away with this in this sense is I would

709
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:49,640
Speaker 1: say this is probably where I would probably play the

710
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,759
Speaker 1: therapist card, right. I don't like to do this, like

711
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,880
Speaker 1: I don't frequently do this, but what I would probably

712
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:02,240
Speaker 1: tell them is like, well, if you were my client

713
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,560
Speaker 1: coming to me with concerns about your partner, I would

714
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 1: tell you to go and talk to your partner, and

715
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:11,359
Speaker 1: I would suggest that maybe that's the time that you

716
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:14,479
Speaker 1: all need to look into couples therapy. So I would

717
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:18,279
Speaker 1: totally reflect like I'm not giving you, I'm not I'm

718
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 1: taking myself out of this like we we're not. I'm

719
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:27,440
Speaker 1: gonna answer your question, but not answer your question right, Yeah,

720
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:30,759
Speaker 1: but my loyalty is to my friends. So after I

721
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:35,160
Speaker 1: respond to you, I am calling up my friend and

722
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like, so, girl, listen, sis, your dude

723
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:46,080
Speaker 1: just reached out to me. So like this situation that

724
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:50,279
Speaker 1: you got going on, like you gotta do something about it.

725
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,799
Speaker 1: M hm. And because he's reaching out, so that means

726
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:57,920
Speaker 1: he might be on you know, he either he no,

727
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,760
Speaker 1: like he probably has some right because the chances are

728
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:06,719
Speaker 1: you may be acting different around him. So I can't

729
00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:11,000
Speaker 1: tell you what to do, but a conversation needs to

730
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:15,920
Speaker 1: be had and maybe you won't need to go to therapy.

731
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:20,520
Speaker 1: But then also I think I personally, I would also

732
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,800
Speaker 1: kind of set a boundary and say that I don't

733
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 1: want to be in the middle of it. So like,

734
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:32,760
Speaker 1: while I'm not gonna tell him anything, I don't want

735
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:40,360
Speaker 1: to be in the middle of you keeping this from him.

736
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 2: What about ut Honestly, everything you just said, child, my

737
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,840
Speaker 2: name is Bennett, and I ain't in it. This is

738
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:50,080
Speaker 2: I mean, like you said, loyalty is to my friend.

739
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 2: I'm not saying anything. I would definitely like call her

740
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,400
Speaker 2: right away, Like, girl, your husband reached out. This is

741
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:57,440
Speaker 2: what he said. You need to do something here. But

742
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 2: I don't want to be in the midst of it.

743
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 2: I don't want to be lying for you and all that.

744
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,520
Speaker 2: So like, figure something out, man, I gots you're back,

745
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 2: I'm your friend, but like figure something out because I

746
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:06,839
Speaker 2: really don't want to be in the middle. And then,

747
00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 2: like you said, maybe even setting a boundary with him,

748
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,400
Speaker 2: like yeah, you know, I'm not sure of anything going on,

749
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:13,799
Speaker 2: but I don't know how I would say this. I

750
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,880
Speaker 2: probably have to think about it, but just letting him know,

751
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,000
Speaker 2: like I don't want to be involved in anything, but

752
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:19,520
Speaker 2: I don't know if they'd be like too telling if

753
00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:20,719
Speaker 2: there's nothing to be involved in it.

754
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:21,200
Speaker 1: I don't know.

755
00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,839
Speaker 2: But yeah, this is definitely tough. The thing about this, though,

756
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,359
Speaker 2: it is such a sensitive topic because you find situations

757
00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:32,239
Speaker 2: where there are people that will tell and then the relationship.

758
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:34,000
Speaker 2: You know, something happens in the relationship if they break

759
00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 2: up and then they get blamed for it, or they

760
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:39,920
Speaker 2: get back together and they rekindle their relationship, and then

761
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:41,759
Speaker 2: you're looked at as a bad guy because you're the

762
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,319
Speaker 2: one that says something. So I feel like it's just

763
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 2: so complex. You don't know how people. Relationships are so complex,

764
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 2: you don't know how people are going to take it.

765
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:49,680
Speaker 2: So I think just staying out of it is the

766
00:41:49,719 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 2: best thing. However, at the tables are turned right and

767
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,359
Speaker 2: you're loyalty to your friend, Let's say that you know

768
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,920
Speaker 2: you're out, you see your friend's partner hugged up with

769
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:00,960
Speaker 2: another person. In that case, you say something, right, I

770
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 2: feel like, if it's my best friend, then it's like, girl,

771
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 2: let me just tell you, Like, I don't want you

772
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 2: to be mad at me, but this is what I saw.

773
00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:10,600
Speaker 2: Just want to put it out there. Don't say my name,

774
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 2: don't put me in it, but I just want to

775
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:13,440
Speaker 2: let you know this is what I saw because my

776
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:14,200
Speaker 2: loyal tes to you.

777
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:14,759
Speaker 1: Right.

778
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:17,000
Speaker 2: But if it's like an acquaintance, though, I feel like

779
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,800
Speaker 2: it's tricky because even though it's another woman, like do

780
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,560
Speaker 2: you tell her because you don't know what kind of

781
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,040
Speaker 2: they might have an open relationship, Like she may be

782
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 2: okay with it, she's like, yo, as long as he

783
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 2: paying these bills, he can go do what he wants

784
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 2: to do. So then if it's not a like a

785
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:33,120
Speaker 2: friend friend, it's like what do you do If you

786
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:35,839
Speaker 2: all have not had conversations around like how you want

787
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,480
Speaker 2: to handle that, and this person is not a very

788
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,799
Speaker 2: close friend, that's where it's kind of like ool.

789
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, that's where it gets tricky because you

790
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:45,319
Speaker 1: don't know, like you said, like, you don't know the

791
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:49,919
Speaker 1: extent of their circumstances. Chances are also friend, you would

792
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 1: hope that you would know, you would have some sense

793
00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:54,319
Speaker 1: of where things are in their relationship. You might not

794
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 1: know everything, but you would have some sense of how

795
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: your friend feels about the relationship, so you would know

796
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 1: whether or not, Okay, I need to bring this to her.

797
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,640
Speaker 1: But I like what you said about that's a conversation

798
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:10,600
Speaker 1: that you have with your girlfriends of like, so, like

799
00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:13,319
Speaker 1: right now is we're having girl talk, right like this

800
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:15,560
Speaker 1: is girls night, Like this is when you had that

801
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:22,320
Speaker 1: conversation when you sit around with your girlfriends and you say, like, so, yeah,

802
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:27,080
Speaker 1: if you see something, say something, that's the poblemy I

803
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:30,480
Speaker 1: live by right and you or if your policy is

804
00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:35,400
Speaker 1: don't ask, don't tell, then I know to keep my

805
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:40,440
Speaker 1: mouth closed, right. So, but you have that conversation and

806
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 1: I think, as I'm as I'm reflecting on all of

807
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:52,080
Speaker 1: these situations that we were discussing tonight, it all boils

808
00:43:52,160 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 1: down to communication, right, Like all parties involved like communicating.

809
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 1: Like so, whether we are talking about that friend who's

810
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:11,440
Speaker 1: her attire and her behavior might be a little questionable

811
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:17,360
Speaker 1: coming in your household, or it's trying to figure out,

812
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:20,200
Speaker 1: you know, how to say to your partner that their

813
00:44:20,239 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 1: gift didn't measure up to the gift you gave them

814
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:30,560
Speaker 1: to that family member who is stealing from everybody to

815
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:36,319
Speaker 1: your homegirl is cheating on her spouse and he's coming

816
00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:40,319
Speaker 1: to you for Like, no matter what situation it is,

817
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 1: it boils down to as you as a person advocating

818
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,879
Speaker 1: for yourself in each of those scenarios, like communicating your

819
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,279
Speaker 1: needs and setting your boundaries.

820
00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:57,400
Speaker 2: Girl, this was such a juicy conversation. Let's go ahead

821
00:44:57,560 --> 00:44:59,759
Speaker 2: and hop on over to Patreon for this after show. O,

822
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:04,120
Speaker 2: they're going to tell us this with you. Yes, Hey, lady,

823
00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:07,160
Speaker 2: it's Terry here from the Herspace podcast, and I have

824
00:45:07,239 --> 00:45:10,760
Speaker 2: some exciting news for you. I just published my self

825
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:13,719
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826
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Speaker 2: your go to guide for overcoming obstacles and making lemonade.

827
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:23,040
Speaker 2: So if you've ever experienced loss, childhood, trauma, a narcissistic partner,

828
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:26,279
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829
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:30,760
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830
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:33,960
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831
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,520
Speaker 2: be inspired. So I hope that you decide to join

832
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:38,520
Speaker 2: me on this journey and I'll see you soon.

833
00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:43,720
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note

834
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:48,120
Speaker 1: that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

835
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:51,920
Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

836
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:55,360
Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

837
00:45:55,480 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or

838
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:03,080
Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

839
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:07,720
Speaker 1: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today

840
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:10,200
Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider.

841
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

842
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:15,840
Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

843
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:20,800
Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website

844
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:25,080
Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

845
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:28,959
Speaker 2: after me. Although my plans may change, I will stay

846
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:30,400
Speaker 2: committed to my purpose.

847
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:32,880
Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, Lady,