1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:06,240 Speaker 1: Chip, Hello, Are you as excited for this conversation as me? 2 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,879 Speaker 1: I'm also nervous because I feel like I'm gonna find 3 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: out some really bad habits of my um, like how 4 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: you're even worse than you thought at boundaries. But that's 5 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,439 Speaker 1: where you grow, right, Yeah, I mean we think you 6 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: and I talked about this a lot. One of the 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,800 Speaker 1: main things we love about having this podcast is that 8 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,439 Speaker 1: we get to actually come on and talk to people 9 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: who really admire, like experts in different fields. And also 10 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,640 Speaker 1: it's like the greatest teacher of all time because we're 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:40,239 Speaker 1: getting basically free therapy. Uh yeah, So today we are 12 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 1: so excited because we have the Boundary Boss Terry Cole here. 13 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: She has a psychotherapist and author of Boundary Boss, The 14 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: Essential Guide to Talk, True, Be Seen, and Finally Live Free. 15 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:56,400 Speaker 1: Hi Terry, Well, hello people, how are you? We are? 16 00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: So you here? Chip and I equally talk about this 17 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,720 Speaker 1: that we're both just have really been on a journey, 18 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,680 Speaker 1: I would say, the past couple of years to really 19 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: learn about how to take care of ourselves and how 20 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: to navigate life with boundaries. So let's just dive in 21 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,320 Speaker 1: and I don't know, let's just talk about boundaries. I 22 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 1: want to know, how did you actually become the boundary boss. Well, 23 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:26,280 Speaker 1: I started out as the boundary disaster. So I mean, 24 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: you know, they say that you teach what you most 25 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 1: need to learn, and I think that that in my case, 26 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: for sure that was true, although I didn't know in 27 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,560 Speaker 1: my twenties, you know, when I was in therapy and 28 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: trying to figure out, like why was I bitter in 29 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,839 Speaker 1: this relationship and feeling taken advantage of by this person 30 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,560 Speaker 1: and piste off about this thing, I had no idea 31 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: that the pain in my relationships a lot of it 32 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: was related to me having disordered boundaries. I didn't know 33 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: that no one had taught me, no one had talked 34 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: about it. So in changing my relationship to my own boundaries, 35 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: internal boundaries, and then bringing that out into my relationships 36 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: in my life, my career, my romantic relationships, it obviously 37 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,000 Speaker 1: changed my life. And I couldn't believe that nobody teaches 38 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,960 Speaker 1: us this like incredibly important skill. And so at the 39 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,280 Speaker 1: time when all this was happening, I was a talent agent. 40 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 1: I was negotiating contracts or supermodels and celebrities. That's what 41 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: I did before I became a psychotherapist, which obviously is 42 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 1: you know, entertainment is not exactly a hot bet of 43 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: really good boundaries. It's the worst, just awful. I mean, 44 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 1: just especially as an agent because I was young, our 45 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: clients are young, You're socializing your ass off with people. 46 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,920 Speaker 1: It's you you. Really it was very difficult, and that 47 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: really shone a light on how not good I was 48 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: with establishing and asserting and communicating boundaries. So when I 49 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 1: started really getting it, and I realized at the end 50 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,519 Speaker 1: of my career and entertainment that I just literally didn't 51 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:03,079 Speaker 1: care about the Pantine deal or the movie contract. All 52 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:06,079 Speaker 1: I cared about was getting my clients into eating disorder 53 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: clinics and drug treatment, help and therapy. And I was like, 54 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: all right, clearly you're in. You need to get out 55 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 1: of here before you start really sucking, and just you 56 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 1: need to do what you want to do, which was 57 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: a hard transition to me because I was really I 58 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 1: was incredibly ambitious. I was only in my early thirties 59 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,639 Speaker 1: and I was running an agency like I was sort 60 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,239 Speaker 1: of according to my father, I was at the top 61 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 1: of my career. He was like, wait, what are you doing? 62 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 1: It was like, but why, I'm just curious, you want 63 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,240 Speaker 1: to make no money, you want to get in debt 64 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: to n y U two a grand, which I did. Um, 65 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 1: but I was like, dude, I'm growing up, Like I 66 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: love you and all, but I don't need your money 67 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: or your approval, so hopefully you'll support me and that 68 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: would be great. Okay, Yeah, I mean how many years 69 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 1: of therapy in the people that wouldn't happen If I 70 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 1: was twenty two write, I would have been like, Oh, 71 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 1: maybe I shouldn't. Maybe you're right, maybe I should stay 72 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 1: being a talent agent even though I didn't want to. 73 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 1: But what I saw when I opened my my own 74 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 1: practice and you know, X number of years in and 75 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,720 Speaker 1: I was always taking copious notes of like what are 76 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,160 Speaker 1: the similar pain points that people walk in with, Like 77 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: what is it that is killing the joy in people's lives? 78 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:30,160 Speaker 1: What is exacerbating their pain or creating pain? And no 79 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,559 Speaker 1: matter what they're presenting, problem was, I could just follow 80 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 1: the dots backwards to the fact that it was all 81 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,719 Speaker 1: related to them having no clue as to how to 82 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:45,800 Speaker 1: communicate or establish healthy boundaries and how that eventually made 83 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: them miserable. The same way that I was saying that 84 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: when I got into therapy, and when I was in 85 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 1: you know, years into therapy, I would be like, this 86 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 1: person is taking advantage of me, this person is entitled, 87 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,599 Speaker 1: this person has all this expect to how dare they 88 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: have these expectations? And of course my therapist was like, UM, 89 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,040 Speaker 1: how about just say no, okay, I have an idea, 90 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: like we could spend all of our time judging how 91 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 1: what an idiot Betty is, or we can simply say, oh, hey, 92 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: that doesn't work for me, but if you move next Saturday, 93 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,599 Speaker 1: maybe I can help you for two hours, as opposed 94 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: to being like I can't believe she'd ask me, because 95 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 1: it's very unempowering to not know what your preferences, limits, 96 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 1: and deal breakers are, which is what I consider your boundaries. Right, 97 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,159 Speaker 1: so let's let's go there. I don't know did I 98 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 1: answer your question? And now I'm fascinated with this thing 99 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:45,039 Speaker 1: you said preferences. Tell me again, preferences, preferences, limits, desires 100 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: and dead breakers and and what are those like? If 101 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 1: you had to label those four things, these are your boundaries. Basically, 102 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:58,120 Speaker 1: that is the reason why I give you this spam 103 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:03,719 Speaker 1: is that not all boundary requests or desires have the 104 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: same weight. You can have a preference like, hey, I 105 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,480 Speaker 1: don't really feel like eating Italian tonight. Yeah, I really 106 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 1: would like to have sushi. That's a preference, right, That's 107 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: not going to end your marriage probably, And if your 108 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: person was like, I really can't, let's meet in the 109 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 1: middle of let's have burgers, you'd be like, okay, Like 110 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: it's that's not the end of the world. But your 111 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,760 Speaker 1: preferences matter, though, And I think a lot of us 112 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,719 Speaker 1: who want to be like you know me, I'm easy, breezy, 113 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:31,200 Speaker 1: no fuss, no mus Whatever you guys want to do 114 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:36,719 Speaker 1: is good. Like we we get habituated into these behaviors 115 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,599 Speaker 1: that are self abandoning in a way that we're unaware 116 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: of because we don't want any conflict, right, well, we 117 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,479 Speaker 1: just don't even want to deal with asserting ourselves. But 118 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 1: I'm gonna get to the fallout from not asserting ourselves, 119 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 1: all right, So let's let's finish the categories of boundaries. 120 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:57,280 Speaker 1: So you have your preferences, your limits, right, Like your friends, 121 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,440 Speaker 1: can you come help me move all day on Saturday 122 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 1: from six am to midnight? No, I cannot. So a 123 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: limit would say I have three hours I can help 124 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,120 Speaker 1: you from twelve to three. I hope that's okay, right, 125 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: that's a limit. Um. Desires are like sort of bigger 126 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 1: things in your life, like where you want to live 127 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:20,480 Speaker 1: and what matters to you. And again yes exactly children 128 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: not children, um, but they're still important because again, as 129 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: you're going to see as we go through this process, 130 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: your limits, your preferences, your desires, and your deal breakers 131 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 1: they're not just your boundaries, they're also the qualities in 132 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: you that make you uniquely, so they're really important. And 133 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: deal breakers. The last one is deal breakers, which this 134 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: is just ship that is non negotiable noun negotiable either way, right, 135 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 1: Like if you're someone who's getting in a relationship with 136 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 1: someone and you must have children, that's non negotiable. Do 137 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 1: you mean a favor? Don't date people who were like, 138 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 1: I'm on the fence, forget it. That's a problem. Date 139 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: people who you know want kids. But a lot of 140 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 1: times we'll be like, oh, they're so nice, I'm gonna 141 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 1: wait and see they're going to change their mind. Maybe 142 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: not like so we have to be committed to our 143 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: deal breakers. Or for me, dating someone in recovery because 144 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 1: I'm in recovery, was I didn't want that. That would 145 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 1: have been a deal breaker. Just one addict, one recovering 146 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 1: addict in my relationships is enough. Even though my friends 147 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: would be like, you're single and you're so piggy, you 148 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,520 Speaker 1: don't want to date anyone in recovery. Word, are you 149 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,160 Speaker 1: judging people in recovery? I'm like, no, No, I meant 150 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 1: you're like you are exactly like. And also my deal 151 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 1: breakers or my business, it's my right. I don't need 152 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:45,959 Speaker 1: to convince anyone of anything, right that, And neither do you. Yeah, 153 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 1: you know, neither do you. So anyway that according to 154 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: Terry Cole, those are your boundaries. I love that because 155 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 1: the first when we were talking about preferences, you mentioned 156 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: the word self abandoning, and I think that that is 157 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,560 Speaker 1: such a big word when it comes to boundary because 158 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 1: what you said, even with preferences, it's like the Italian restaurant, 159 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 1: for example, I actually can do that. I'll be like, oh, 160 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: I'll find something on every menu. But before long, in 161 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: a relationship, if you do that over and over and 162 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: over again, you don't even exist like you're what you like, 163 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,839 Speaker 1: what who you are just becomes like melded into who 164 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,199 Speaker 1: the other person is. And before you know it, and 165 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,280 Speaker 1: I'm saying this because I've done it a million times, 166 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:30,080 Speaker 1: you're living in their life and your life is like 167 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,160 Speaker 1: no longer even there to be found. So you're just 168 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: completely lost because you're there to become a people pleaser. Yeah, 169 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 1: and you're already yeah, you already are a people pleaser 170 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 1: if you're doing that right, right. I think it's probably 171 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: important to say to like, it is fine sometimes to 172 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: be like, you know what, like tonight, I really don't 173 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,320 Speaker 1: have an opinion, like whatever you want, Like, that's fine 174 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 1: to do occasionally, but I think when you but it's 175 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 1: also important to remember that when you are craving something, 176 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,199 Speaker 1: it's okay to be like, you know what, I'm really 177 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: I would love sushi tonight. Um. And you have to 178 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: find the happy medium there. You don't want to be 179 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: the person who's like always putting your foot down to 180 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,199 Speaker 1: and saying like no, no, I don't want that. I 181 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,079 Speaker 1: don't want that, because you have to be open to 182 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:19,079 Speaker 1: other people's boundaries too and preferences, right, someone like I 183 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,760 Speaker 1: care if I have a hankering for a chicken pope pie, 184 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: I care about him. I may not want to eat that, 185 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: but again I'll find something on that menu because he 186 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: wants to. And I may not like chicken pop pie, 187 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: but I really like him. Yeah, I love that. That Actually, 188 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 1: just a lot of that made me smell something that's like, like, 189 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,160 Speaker 1: I think that's the best mentality in a relationship. Though. 190 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 1: It's like you care about him, and so that's what 191 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 1: compromise or showing up in their relationship looks like. But 192 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 1: there's a difference between that and doing it all the 193 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,080 Speaker 1: time to where like if he's meeting you there, like, 194 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 1: if he's doing that for you too, that's great. But 195 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: like I found myself in a lot of situations where 196 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,320 Speaker 1: I do that and I'm like, oh, I care about 197 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,360 Speaker 1: this person, but then I don't even realize like it's 198 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 1: not being matched, you know, so it becomes that one 199 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,200 Speaker 1: sided dynamic. And said, these four things are really just 200 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 1: kind of thrown out the window because I'm just showing 201 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: up to the place that I'm not being met there, 202 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 1: if that makes sense. Yeah, And you're also not you're 203 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:24,559 Speaker 1: not inviting anyone to meet you there. You're literally closing 204 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 1: the door on getting your knees. But you you you're 205 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: the one just slamming the door and being like cool, 206 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,840 Speaker 1: what you want, cool, what you want right now? The 207 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,320 Speaker 1: cool girl is the beginning of a relationship. Amazing razy. 208 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,600 Speaker 1: Everything is fine until it's not, because that is a 209 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: slow boat to bitter land, which is like the only 210 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,400 Speaker 1: stop on that boat. Right, there's nowhere else to go 211 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: because none of us can be invisible for a long 212 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: period of time and not become resentful. No way to 213 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:56,319 Speaker 1: think about your personal boundaries is your own personal rules 214 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: of engagement, and it's how we let other people know 215 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:02,360 Speaker 1: what's a okay with us and what's not okay with us. 216 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 1: And there's a way to do it in it's always 217 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: possible to be kind. Yeah, like Bob from accounting and 218 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: he's a total jerk, then you don't need to be kind, right, 219 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: you could be you could have a little more heat 220 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:19,000 Speaker 1: to the bad exactly by Bob. But I think that 221 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: the myths that are around having healthy boundaries, it's like 222 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 1: you are saying no all the time. Kind of what 223 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: you said Chip, Like the person was like constantly I'm 224 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,679 Speaker 1: going to assert what I want all the time. I'm 225 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: punching people in the face verbally, I'm blocking people out 226 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,440 Speaker 1: and rejecting people. That's not true at all. Doesn't have 227 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:43,000 Speaker 1: to be. And if someone is doing that, they're not 228 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 1: a boundary boss. They're a boundary bully, which is not 229 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:52,040 Speaker 1: the same, not the same. Mm hmm. I want to 230 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 1: give an example, like, um, so, I have recently started 231 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 1: dating this guy and he loves Mexican food, and last 232 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,520 Speaker 1: night we had dinner and like we we now eat 233 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: Mexican food a lot because he likes, actually love Mexican 234 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 1: doo too. I wasn't really in the mood for it 235 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 1: last night, but he would like had a hankering for it, 236 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,320 Speaker 1: and so I said sure. You know, I just wanted 237 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: to spend time with him. Um. But in hindsight, I 238 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 1: look back and I tried. Because I wasn't really in 239 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,120 Speaker 1: the mood for Mexican food, I didn't want what I 240 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,199 Speaker 1: normally order, So I got adventurous with the menu last 241 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,400 Speaker 1: night and I tried things that I had never had, 242 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: and when I left, I was really happy that I'd 243 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: had Mexican food. Um so, um, you know, I do 244 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,120 Speaker 1: think sometimes like I didn't feel like I was, you know, 245 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: relinquishing any boundaries. I just literally didn't have much in 246 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: an opinion last night, except for I wanted him to 247 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: have what he wanted. So I do think there are 248 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 1: those moments in our lives that we can look at, like, 249 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,960 Speaker 1: if we don't have a hardline reason to say no, 250 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: then it's okay to like sort of lean into what 251 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,480 Speaker 1: you're not sure of, because you might learn something about 252 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 1: yourself without a doubt. But you know, chip what you 253 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: see more often than not is people, especially people pleasers 254 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,959 Speaker 1: um with the disease to please, who are conflict avoidant, 255 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: who fear rejection, that they're not worried about that part 256 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:17,200 Speaker 1: of it because there always they're always doing that. They're 257 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:22,000 Speaker 1: always thinking of the other person, but always self abandoning 258 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: in service in their mind, in service of being loving 259 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 1: and service of the relationship, and service of being kind. 260 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: And so the mutuality that you're talking about. So the 261 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: guy you're dating last night had hankering, You're like, I 262 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,560 Speaker 1: kind of don't, but I could kind of fund it's 263 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,240 Speaker 1: it's it's not a big deal. I don't. I don't 264 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 1: feel put upon by this. And again, those are conscious 265 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: choices that you make. And your point was well taken 266 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,360 Speaker 1: that you have like a culinary adventure because you didn't 267 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,240 Speaker 1: feel like what you normally ate and it ended up 268 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,880 Speaker 1: kind of being interesting to you, and there's no problem 269 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 1: with that. It's making choices that are mindful and not compulsive, 270 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 1: not driven by fear, not unconscious, which is what so 271 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: much of the time they are, especially when you're a 272 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: people pleaser right right, You're you're literally your default position 273 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 1: is is cool, right, And I suffer from that, like 274 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 1: I suffer from rejection. I want to keep people happy. 275 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 1: I'm non confrontational, and I mean this, this relationship is 276 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: new to me. So I am trying. I'm making and 277 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 1: we can get into this in a minute to like 278 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: my word of the year's purpose, which I'm wearing this today, 279 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 1: um my Justin Bieber purpose led shirt that I ordered 280 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: from e Bay, but um I am I want to 281 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:42,440 Speaker 1: be very purposeful in it. So I am like, I'm 282 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 1: trying to not be a people pleaser while also still 283 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: leaning in and like wanting to get to know him 284 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 1: and and know what his desires and his preferences and 285 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: all of those things are too, because I think that's important, 286 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: especially in a romantic relationship. You know, obviously they are 287 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,080 Speaker 1: boundaries that exist in the workspace and family relationships and 288 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 1: those sorts of things. But I think in the beginning, 289 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: particularly for me of this romantic relationship, like I'm I'm 290 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,800 Speaker 1: learning my boundaries within that sphere as it pertains to 291 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,600 Speaker 1: this one particular relationship. Yes, but I have a question 292 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: for you. So you want to get to know your person, 293 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 1: you're interested in them, I want them to get to 294 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,640 Speaker 1: know you. So where is this space? Because here, here's 295 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 1: what ends up happening a lot of times when we 296 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: are as you described, and I was exactly the same, 297 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: So I totally get it. Conflict avoidant and just wanted 298 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,000 Speaker 1: to be smooth and want to be accepted and want 299 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: to be loved. Of course, this is this is literally 300 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,320 Speaker 1: what we all want. So really it's like, how much 301 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: of the time do you become sort of an expert 302 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: listener an expert interviewer? Like I can't tell you how 303 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: many conversations I hid behind, like never revealing anything about 304 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 1: myself because I was so good and getting other people 305 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,680 Speaker 1: to talk about themselves. Oh, tell me more about that, 306 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 1: and what about this? And then what happened? And partly 307 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 1: because I didn't want to be vulnerable unconsciously this wasn't 308 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 1: conscious um, but partly because I wanted to have control 309 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: of the conversation and I wanted it to go smoothly, 310 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: and I was worried about a pregnant pause and does 311 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: that make sense really like your own way of trying 312 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: to get safety in a situation and boundary issues. Things 313 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:36,119 Speaker 1: are boundary issues. I was looking earlier. I was telling you, 314 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,639 Speaker 1: I was talking your Instagram, which also is a really 315 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 1: great instagram. If you guys um struggle with boundaries. That 316 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 1: highly suggested. I'll put it in the description of this 317 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:48,360 Speaker 1: podcast that under your bio you say helping women liberate 318 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: themselves with boundaries to break the cycle of over functioning. 319 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,159 Speaker 1: And I was like, whoa shots fired? Terry, Like, I 320 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: feel like fow me, but I wanted to know because 321 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: that is me, like the over funking until I literally 322 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,400 Speaker 1: like my life is falling apart because I'm over functioning 323 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,720 Speaker 1: in a relationship to try to maintain things because I 324 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,680 Speaker 1: think it's going to make it work or whatever. But 325 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,399 Speaker 1: do women struggle with that more than men? I was 326 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,880 Speaker 1: wondering why you specifically addrest women in your bio. I mean, 327 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,399 Speaker 1: I'm more of an expert, I would say women, and 328 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,880 Speaker 1: right that that's more of my audience for us than 329 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 1: straight men. You're like, well, hello, and I do think 330 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: you know. Part of my actually the next book that 331 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: I'm writing right now is about high functioning codependency. Yeah, 332 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,639 Speaker 1: which is basically what what you what resonated with you, 333 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,320 Speaker 1: that whole high functioning piece. And the reason because the 334 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: foundation of high functioning codependency or any codependency is disordered boundaries, right, 335 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: And when you think about it, even though most people 336 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,639 Speaker 1: don't think about it this way, at its real base, 337 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 1: codependency is an overt or a covert bid to control 338 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:09,400 Speaker 1: the outcomes of others. Right. It means you are overly 339 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:14,360 Speaker 1: invested in the feeling states, the situations, the circumstances, the jobs, 340 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,479 Speaker 1: the relationships, the decisions of the people in your life, 341 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: to the detriment of your own internal peace and maybe 342 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,360 Speaker 1: your psychological well being, maybe financial well being, spiritual well 343 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:31,439 Speaker 1: being for all of the things. So when I started 344 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,360 Speaker 1: my practice, I was attracting a lot of women who 345 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:37,640 Speaker 1: are like me, which are highly capable, very high functioning. 346 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,920 Speaker 1: And so when I would say, oh, hey, what I'm 347 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:44,840 Speaker 1: seeing this is a codependent dynamic, they would be like, yeah, no, 348 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,040 Speaker 1: you're wrong, lady. You misunderstand what's happening. You don't know 349 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: what your because they think of codependent. They're like, no, 350 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,119 Speaker 1: I'm independent. Look at all the stuff I'm doing, because 351 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: that's what I first thought. I'm in recovery for kindependency, 352 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,280 Speaker 1: so this is in a journey for me as well, 353 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,359 Speaker 1: because that would they were thinking like, well, they were like, 354 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: I'm not dependent on squat, right. I am the one 355 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,800 Speaker 1: that everyone comes to. I'm making all the dough, I'm 356 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:15,240 Speaker 1: supporting the problems, I'm fixing all the problems on the 357 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,400 Speaker 1: rock in my family. How can you insult me by 358 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,120 Speaker 1: telling me I'm codependent? So after years of this same response, 359 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: I I needed a way to get in to my 360 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 1: people because they were suffering, Like, you're not going to 361 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,480 Speaker 1: stop suffering until we can identify what it actually is 362 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: and then change the behavior. And so I coined a 363 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,399 Speaker 1: new phrase because there are differences between regular melody baby 364 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,840 Speaker 1: codependent no more got to be involved with an addict 365 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:47,440 Speaker 1: enabling go to bedency and the high functioning codependency. So 366 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,320 Speaker 1: as soon as I came up with this name, then 367 00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:55,119 Speaker 1: my clients were like, oh, it definitely. Everyone then was 368 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: leaning in and being like, oh my god, that is 369 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 1: me and holy crap, I'm exhaust Yeah, it's so interesting 370 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: because I love that you're talking about that because I 371 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,920 Speaker 1: find like even when I say, oh, I'm in recovery 372 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,359 Speaker 1: for codependency, people like what you're not, because I like 373 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 1: am a high functioning human in the areas of my 374 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,760 Speaker 1: life until it falls apart. But that's been the thing 375 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,360 Speaker 1: is like, you know, if I can do a lot 376 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,280 Speaker 1: of things, that I can do a lot of jobs 377 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: and like show up and so it doesn't look like 378 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,239 Speaker 1: like I'm not sitting around just like waiting for a 379 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 1: man to fix my life, you know. If anything, it's 380 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:34,320 Speaker 1: the opposite most cases. But that's where people get codependency wrong. 381 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,400 Speaker 1: And so it's really interesting to hear because I think 382 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 1: a lot of times we think like we're doing something 383 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: kind for someone else, and it's really like the people 384 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,680 Speaker 1: pleasing and the over functioning and all the stuff, it's 385 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 1: really for us. And that's like it's a big thing 386 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,159 Speaker 1: that I've had to really accept as like that's not 387 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,800 Speaker 1: the kind generous thing to do for them right now, 388 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 1: Actually saying no or holding a boundary or not doing 389 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:01,679 Speaker 1: it for them, like allowing them a pace to do 390 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,000 Speaker 1: it for themselves is the kindest thing we can do 391 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 1: for other people. Agreed, But think about it this way 392 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,000 Speaker 1: when people come to us they've had a problem, and 393 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 1: we're just auto fixing our asses off. We just cannot 394 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,639 Speaker 1: wait to get in and be like, I've got a 395 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: book recommendation, I'm going to help my friend who's a doctor. 396 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:22,880 Speaker 1: I've got I'm on Google right now answers for you. Yes, 397 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 1: I did a podcast about this, and here's who you 398 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 1: should follow. It's going to be great. But what we're doing, 399 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,080 Speaker 1: and this was so humbling for me to really get, 400 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:40,520 Speaker 1: is that we're centering ourselves in the middle of the 401 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 1: person's problem. Now your problem, it's just about me as 402 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:49,240 Speaker 1: the solution. I've got it. You're good because I'm uncomfortable 403 00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:53,520 Speaker 1: with you being in pain, so I need I'm compulsively 404 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 1: trying to fix my own discomfort with your pain. Right 405 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: So there, it is so destroy pressing to me that 406 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,480 Speaker 1: you're in pain that I'm I can't even stop myself 407 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 1: right until you're in recovery. It's like I couldn't even 408 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:11,200 Speaker 1: stop myself from making suggestions, from lending money, from doing 409 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:15,679 Speaker 1: all the crap. But when my therapist was like I 410 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 1: had a situation with one of my sisters who was 411 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:22,000 Speaker 1: in a terrible abusive situation literally, no, no exaggeration, no 412 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 1: filter needed. Living in the woods in a house that 413 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 1: had no running water or electricity with a guy who 414 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:31,200 Speaker 1: was doing crack and being physically abusive. That's that's the 415 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:35,360 Speaker 1: actual situation. So this is very bad and very bad 416 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:38,200 Speaker 1: when your code abend it. Because I couldn't. I was 417 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,840 Speaker 1: obsessed with like saving her from herself, from her choices 418 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,080 Speaker 1: from him. I mean, all the revenge fantasies, all the 419 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:46,280 Speaker 1: money that I threw at it. And I remember calling 420 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,600 Speaker 1: my talking to my therapist and I was crying and 421 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,959 Speaker 1: being like, I just can't take it. She tells me 422 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,760 Speaker 1: how terrible he is to her and how abusive he 423 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,160 Speaker 1: is and he's hitting her, and uh, you know what 424 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,200 Speaker 1: am I going to do? And she was like, tera 425 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,160 Speaker 1: what are you going to do? I was like yeah, yeah, 426 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,119 Speaker 1: Like what am I going to do? She's like okay. 427 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: So then she explained, She's like, listen, do you do 428 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,440 Speaker 1: you know what's going on here? And I was like, 429 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,359 Speaker 1: uh no, but clearly not by what you're saying. So 430 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,680 Speaker 1: how about just filming in? And she said, you've worked 431 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,960 Speaker 1: for twenty years to create a lot of internal peace 432 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:25,399 Speaker 1: and you have a pretty harmonious life. Your sister's dumpster 433 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,960 Speaker 1: fire of a life is really messing with your piece, 434 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:34,119 Speaker 1: and you wanted to stop, right, You want it to stop, 435 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,679 Speaker 1: so you want to fix that so you can go 436 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 1: back to your like unicorns and butterflies. That's a good point. 437 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,160 Speaker 1: It's so true, and like are oftentimes too, Like if 438 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 1: some someone's going through something, you know, like they're not 439 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: themselves and so you're like, well, I just need you 440 00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,199 Speaker 1: to get back to normal so that we can go 441 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:57,239 Speaker 1: like have fun again and live our lives and that 442 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,960 Speaker 1: kind of thing too. But what I learned though, and 443 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,520 Speaker 1: the end of the end is I was like, I 444 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 1: didn't know I had a choice. This is another thing 445 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,200 Speaker 1: with high functioning codependency or any codependency. I literally did 446 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 1: not know that I was allowed to not throw myself 447 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,719 Speaker 1: under that bus on a daily basis. I didn't know. 448 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: So I said to my therapist, so what do you mean. 449 00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: She's like, Tarry, you need boundaries and you need to 450 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,360 Speaker 1: communicate them with your sister and tell her it's too 451 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: painful for you to talk to her all the time 452 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,800 Speaker 1: while she's in this situation. But and then I said, 453 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,159 Speaker 1: but I want to help her if she wants to 454 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:32,640 Speaker 1: get out like I still want to be her person. 455 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,440 Speaker 1: She's like them say that called my sister told her. 456 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,439 Speaker 1: Within nine months, I'd say maybe. We talked twice. And 457 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,680 Speaker 1: at the end of nine months she was like, Hi, 458 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:43,600 Speaker 1: if you're offer still stands, I want to get the 459 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,399 Speaker 1: out of here. And I was like, I'm getting in 460 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,399 Speaker 1: my car right now. Um. I went and picked her up. 461 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 1: My husband and I had this little lake house. We 462 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,080 Speaker 1: let her live there for two years, like winter rised 463 00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:54,159 Speaker 1: it for her. Just she went back to school, she 464 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 1: got sober. She but here's the most important part of 465 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,119 Speaker 1: this story is that it wasn't because I was the 466 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:07,679 Speaker 1: hero in her story. It was because she was the 467 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,560 Speaker 1: hero in her story. So the changes that she made 468 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 1: stuck because they weren't about her pleasing me. It was 469 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 1: about her reaching that bottom that you have to reach 470 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 1: to decide you're going to change your life and then 471 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 1: appropriately asking for the help that I said would be there. 472 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,160 Speaker 1: So that was a win win, even though those nine 473 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,440 Speaker 1: months were long and that was hard to do. But 474 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,280 Speaker 1: that is exactly what you were saying before about you know, Kelly, 475 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,480 Speaker 1: you were saying before about like the loving thing to 476 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:43,679 Speaker 1: do is not making her situation about me right, because 477 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,359 Speaker 1: I mean we're talking more about I guess addiction specific situations, 478 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,680 Speaker 1: but I think people can apply this to any sort 479 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: of toxic dynamic and your you know, people in your life, 480 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: if you're observing that, it feels cruel to be like 481 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,560 Speaker 1: I can't pull you out of this and fix this 482 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 1: for like you have to do that for yourself or 483 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,199 Speaker 1: to me, it does like I'm like, I love this person, 484 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,000 Speaker 1: why wouldn't that help them? But you made such a 485 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,400 Speaker 1: good point of like, it doesn't stick unless they are 486 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,760 Speaker 1: the ones to do it for themselves. And that's what 487 00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: I think a lot of people in recovery learn along 488 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 1: the way, is like, especially if people are deciding to 489 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,200 Speaker 1: get sober, like I can't make anybody get sober. It's 490 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,199 Speaker 1: not gonna stop. It's not going to like fix it 491 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: for them. But you're also robbing them of their sovereignty. 492 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,360 Speaker 1: And I think that that's something that's really important. Why 493 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,320 Speaker 1: shouldn't I help them? What makes you think you know 494 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,680 Speaker 1: what they should do? Right? Like, I'm not God, Well, 495 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 1: that's my therapist said into my face. She was like, 496 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,080 Speaker 1: what makes you think you know what lessons your sister 497 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,639 Speaker 1: needs to learn? In this less exactly right. And I 498 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:45,960 Speaker 1: was like, what do you mean? I don't think she 499 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 1: needs to live in a house without running water. And 500 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: she's like, hey, well you don't, are you. God? Do 501 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,479 Speaker 1: you know how she's going to learn? You don't. And 502 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:59,800 Speaker 1: so it's so presumptuous to think like I know what 503 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:03,439 Speaker 1: you should do. I don't know what you should do, 504 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,679 Speaker 1: but I love you and I'm here and I'll listen 505 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,640 Speaker 1: and I'll do whatever I can do. But it's it's 506 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:13,199 Speaker 1: like that shifted it as well, because I felt the 507 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:18,880 Speaker 1: same way about like, she's my sister. How can I not? Yeah. 508 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:22,359 Speaker 1: Therapist was like, but you can't eat this. This what 509 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:24,080 Speaker 1: you have in your mind that you think you're doing 510 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,679 Speaker 1: is an illusion of control, Terry, It's not real. You 511 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,680 Speaker 1: don't have control. Your sister is going to change when 512 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: and if she reaches a point of pain, tipping point 513 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 1: where she's willing the pain of leaving, right the pain 514 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,320 Speaker 1: of staying is overpowering the pain of leaving. I have 515 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:45,040 Speaker 1: a question, because you know, we talked a lot about 516 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: this ship the last couple of months. My I'm sorry 517 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,440 Speaker 1: the last couple of weeks. That was a wrong word, 518 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,520 Speaker 1: um my word for this year in general is there 519 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 1: and ships this purpose and so we've really applied all 520 00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 1: of our topics this month to that. And it was 521 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: It's funny because like when I was talking to your 522 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: rep about doing a podcast, I was like, actually, this 523 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: is the perfect time because to me, boundaries are literally 524 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 1: the most daring thing that I'm doing in my life 525 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,240 Speaker 1: right now. Um. And some people might be like, what, 526 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,840 Speaker 1: that's ridiculous, but when you know my journey of that, 527 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,080 Speaker 1: Like I remember when I first started recovery, I set 528 00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 1: a boundary and I sobbed for hours after setting it, 529 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,040 Speaker 1: like it was the and it was so simple, like 530 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: I can't go to lunch with you, and the person 531 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 1: was like okay, and I was like you know it 532 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:35,720 Speaker 1: was it broke me. Um. And then there's the other 533 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 1: side of it that I do where I'll wait, I'll wait, 534 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 1: I'll wait, all stuff, all stuff, all stuff, and then 535 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: I explode. It's like the only way I can set 536 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 1: a boundaries if I'm so angry that I can't function. 537 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: So can you talk a little bit to people who 538 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,800 Speaker 1: might be listening that are like me, um or they 539 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:54,200 Speaker 1: resonate with that where it's just like the simplest things 540 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 1: even can seem so overwhelming and so like setting a 541 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,200 Speaker 1: boundary can be daring. Why is that? Like, why are 542 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 1: they so hard? Because we're afraid and because it's the 543 00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 1: little well, it's the kid. All of us have children within, right, 544 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,000 Speaker 1: and trust me, before I became a psychotherapist, I was 545 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:16,720 Speaker 1: like what no, Like I had no, I had no no, 546 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:19,720 Speaker 1: no love for the child within John Bradfast stuff until 547 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,360 Speaker 1: he became a therapist, and then I was like, oh 548 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: my god, this is so important. This is so true 549 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 1: that all of us have the little kid us where 550 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 1: you know, we've had different experiences at different phases of 551 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:38,959 Speaker 1: development that make us vulnerable, two different disordered types of 552 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 1: relationships in adulthood or relationships to substance or wherever it is. 553 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,520 Speaker 1: So it's so hard because it's the six year old 554 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,720 Speaker 1: you who can't just like hitch it out of there 555 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,800 Speaker 1: to go like rent an airbnb, right, Like we're kids 556 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:57,240 Speaker 1: are the most you know, the ultimate captive audience where 557 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:01,040 Speaker 1: whatever was going on in the family of origin, we 558 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:05,720 Speaker 1: figured out how to survive that the good, the bad, 559 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 1: the disordered, the dysfunctional, the painful, the abusive, the addicted. 560 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:15,400 Speaker 1: And so when you're having that experience that crying experience. 561 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,960 Speaker 1: That isn't the adult to you, that's the little kid 562 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:23,560 Speaker 1: you who could never do it in childhood and has waited. 563 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,160 Speaker 1: Not just you waiting four months to do it with 564 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:29,560 Speaker 1: this person, it's you waiting forty years to do it 565 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,120 Speaker 1: or thirty years to do it in your life. And 566 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,440 Speaker 1: so the way that I teach it in Boundary Boss 567 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: the book itself, um is there's a way to create 568 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:43,000 Speaker 1: proactive boundary plans, but you do a whole internal deep 569 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:48,680 Speaker 1: dive before that. So identifying anybody listening who's like, I 570 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:52,320 Speaker 1: don't even know where to start, help it seems so overwhelming, 571 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:55,360 Speaker 1: Which is what everyone says when we talk about boundaries 572 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,160 Speaker 1: is I will invite you to do something that's super 573 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:02,600 Speaker 1: quick to do. Do a resentment inventory, because that's going 574 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:07,600 Speaker 1: to tell you where you need a boundary, or where 575 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,480 Speaker 1: you haven't been asserting a boundary, or where you've asserted 576 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: the boundary and the person is violating the boundary. Right, 577 00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:16,920 Speaker 1: a need is going unmet. If we are feeling resentful 578 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:21,000 Speaker 1: in relationships, some need of ours is going unmet. So 579 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,880 Speaker 1: that statement, y'all think about that though, if you're mad, 580 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:28,280 Speaker 1: like if you're feeling resentful, it's because the need is 581 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:29,880 Speaker 1: not getting met. I think a lot of times we 582 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,880 Speaker 1: want to make it about the other person. It's you 583 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:36,040 Speaker 1: said us at the beginning. It's about us, and it's 584 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,080 Speaker 1: about our need not being met. Sorry to cut you 585 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,640 Speaker 1: off a good point. No, no, no, I think that 586 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,080 Speaker 1: it's really important, and I agree with you co I 587 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:47,520 Speaker 1: don't think that people look at it from that way. 588 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 1: It's almost like we look at relationships in this very 589 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:53,480 Speaker 1: two dimensional way. It's like you're wrong and I'm right. 590 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 1: You stepped out on me, so now you're the bad one, 591 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:57,680 Speaker 1: and now you could make it up to me. But 592 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 1: like in this two dimensional way, but there is always 593 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 1: a parallel process going on underneath whatever is happening on 594 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:10,360 Speaker 1: the service. So if you find yourself in a repeated 595 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:13,440 Speaker 1: situation where you're like, Wow, I'm in another relationship with 596 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:17,440 Speaker 1: an unavailable person, How the hell did I get here again? 597 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,480 Speaker 1: There is something that you are repeating, right, Because there's 598 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 1: this great Christine oh Ba has this great quote. We 599 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:30,120 Speaker 1: repeat what we do, not repair mhm. And that is 600 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: a fact, especially when it comes to relationships. So any 601 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,160 Speaker 1: repeated thing in your life where you're like, how am 602 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,240 Speaker 1: I have no money again? How am I say I'm 603 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: gonna work out and didn't do it again? Or I'm 604 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,560 Speaker 1: gonna stop drinking during the week and I keep drinking 605 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 1: during the week, Like how am I here again? I'm 606 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:50,000 Speaker 1: gonna give you, guys, three questions that you can ask 607 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:55,120 Speaker 1: yourself to get clarity on what is actually happening. Because 608 00:33:56,160 --> 00:34:00,280 Speaker 1: as human beings, we can only talk things out or 609 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:06,760 Speaker 1: act things out. So if you have this repeated situation 610 00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,880 Speaker 1: that you're like, why am I here again? You're acting 611 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:14,360 Speaker 1: something out that if we can identify the original injury, 612 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,200 Speaker 1: you then have the option to talk it out, to 613 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,080 Speaker 1: journal it out, to write it out, to talk to 614 00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:21,040 Speaker 1: a friend, to get into therapy, Like there's all kinds 615 00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:25,000 Speaker 1: of things, but this stuff is in your unconscious mind. 616 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:28,160 Speaker 1: This is like in the basement of your mind. So 617 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,080 Speaker 1: the questions are this, if you find yourself in a relationship, 618 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:33,480 Speaker 1: let's say, with an unavailable person again, you say, who 619 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:36,560 Speaker 1: does this person remind me of? Okay, where have I 620 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,200 Speaker 1: felt like this before? And how or why is the 621 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,160 Speaker 1: behavioral dynamic the way I'm interacting with them, the way 622 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 1: they're interacting with me. How is that familiar? Because you 623 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,840 Speaker 1: may have witnessed it, it doesn't mean you had to 624 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,480 Speaker 1: have experienced it yourself. Maybe you saw that dynamic with 625 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,680 Speaker 1: the adults that raised you, you know what I mean, 626 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:03,000 Speaker 1: we could still be playing out those things I'm processing 627 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:07,239 Speaker 1: because yeah, go ahead to well, I mean, I I 628 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:10,000 Speaker 1: don't know if this is a huge gearshift, just say 629 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:13,720 Speaker 1: so we can get to it. But like I'm thinking, 630 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 1: when I'm listening, I'm hearing a lot about myself, but 631 00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:19,799 Speaker 1: I'm also thinking about the work that I do. And 632 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:24,000 Speaker 1: I work in music management, so we basically there's a 633 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,640 Speaker 1: lot of serving other people. You know. It's the beginning 634 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:33,279 Speaker 1: of professional codependent, you know. And yes, so, um, you know, 635 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: it's obviously it's like you know, um, and I do. 636 00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,560 Speaker 1: I love what I do, So I don't mean for 637 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,719 Speaker 1: that to sound negative, but I'm I'm also, like, you know, 638 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,520 Speaker 1: mindful of how much I work, and especially in going 639 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,160 Speaker 1: into this new relationship. I'm in an album really psyched, 640 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 1: but I'm like, hey, I just need you to know 641 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,400 Speaker 1: the next four weeks are going to be insane for me, 642 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:55,239 Speaker 1: and it's but I want to like be purposeful and 643 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,360 Speaker 1: make as much time for him as possible. Um, and 644 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:00,319 Speaker 1: I don't even know what that's gonna look like get 645 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:05,240 Speaker 1: you know. So I'm just wondering, like the difference between 646 00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:09,560 Speaker 1: like when it's romantic and professional, Like how much harder 647 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:12,760 Speaker 1: should we expect boundaries to be? Because when it affects 648 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:14,920 Speaker 1: your livelihood and you being able to pay your mortgage 649 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,920 Speaker 1: and put food on your table, I would imagine that 650 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,319 Speaker 1: as a different level of stress than like having to 651 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,600 Speaker 1: find another significant other, especially if it's your you know, 652 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:27,239 Speaker 1: your serial data or whatever it is. And you know, 653 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 1: obviously it's if you're in a committed marriage or something, 654 00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:34,160 Speaker 1: it's a different level of stress. But I'm just curious, Well, 655 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,960 Speaker 1: here's the thing about being a professional codependent, yes, agreed. 656 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,279 Speaker 1: People in the service industry, who do I see in 657 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:44,120 Speaker 1: my in my practice so much, you know, trauma nurses 658 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:49,920 Speaker 1: like people who life is service, that's what it is, 659 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:56,640 Speaker 1: and that mindset is melding into their personal life. So 660 00:36:56,880 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: the first thing is mindfulness. And you can also be 661 00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:06,759 Speaker 1: in a you can be in a service industry and 662 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: have boundaries. You can actually be healthy because what I 663 00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:14,840 Speaker 1: find in working with I mean a lot of the 664 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,879 Speaker 1: people I've worked with, super high profile people, is that 665 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,640 Speaker 1: especially in my private practice now right where it's like 666 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:29,319 Speaker 1: they respect me being honest and not being like everyone else. 667 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,520 Speaker 1: It's like the Elvis syndrome. This is what they you know, 668 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:33,879 Speaker 1: when I would always be counseling like high profile people 669 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:36,080 Speaker 1: about you have to watch out for the Elvis syndrome, 670 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:38,880 Speaker 1: which is that if you surround yourself with all of 671 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:42,000 Speaker 1: these bottom suckers who are there for money, who don't 672 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: give a crap about you, there nobody is telling you 673 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:47,920 Speaker 1: the truth about what you're doing, how you're acting, how 674 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:51,640 Speaker 1: you're impacting others. Nobody but I will, and maybe you'll 675 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:55,200 Speaker 1: fire me, and that's okay. But I'm telling you right 676 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,439 Speaker 1: now now, I'm not saying with doing what you're doing, 677 00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:01,160 Speaker 1: you're gonna like be you know, serving someone that information. 678 00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,480 Speaker 1: But I also think it's okay to not take someone's 679 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,080 Speaker 1: phone call at two in the morning or to not 680 00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:14,759 Speaker 1: be available seven because the unrealistic lives, the how demanding 681 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:18,759 Speaker 1: people who have this crazy power in our society and 682 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,759 Speaker 1: working with and I've worked with all different kinds from 683 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:28,399 Speaker 1: pop stars to professional athletes, where it's like not real life, right, 684 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,839 Speaker 1: not real life, and everyone is like, you're so amazing, 685 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:34,279 Speaker 1: and I don't want you know, it's all about you 686 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,279 Speaker 1: being happy person and I'm like, why to stop it? 687 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,000 Speaker 1: First of all, happiness is not a destination. This is 688 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,880 Speaker 1: just moments of happiness. That's kind of ben normal to 689 00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:47,759 Speaker 1: think that. And wait a minute, this is called just 690 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:52,360 Speaker 1: because in your life everything is instant gratification. That's not life, 691 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,759 Speaker 1: and that's that's not a life that I want to 692 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,480 Speaker 1: be involved with. So I think that one thing is 693 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:03,040 Speaker 1: to look at how how your behavior um in your 694 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,440 Speaker 1: work or are there places where you can sort of 695 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,279 Speaker 1: tighten up your preferences, your limits and your boundaries. That 696 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:11,920 Speaker 1: makes sense, right, We're not talking about extremes, right when 697 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:14,680 Speaker 1: you're not telling off like the lead singer of whatever. Right, 698 00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:18,800 Speaker 1: it's it's not that, it's about how are you taking 699 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:23,560 Speaker 1: care of yourself while you're expending so much bandwidth towards 700 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:28,560 Speaker 1: the service of others, right, So upping the self care. 701 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:33,600 Speaker 1: And then there has to be a delineation between work 702 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:38,800 Speaker 1: and boyfriend land, work and home, work and real life 703 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,280 Speaker 1: where in your own mind. I always have my clients 704 00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,839 Speaker 1: go through some kind of a ritual where you're like 705 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:49,960 Speaker 1: energetically leaving the day, change change to a different hoodie 706 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,239 Speaker 1: right when you get tonight times now we're going to 707 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:58,360 Speaker 1: have a different hoody for going out or just a 708 00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:02,520 Speaker 1: different justin Bieber so the d generally we're sort of 709 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:06,680 Speaker 1: moving into the next place and really again going chip, 710 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:10,120 Speaker 1: going back to what you were saying, you can check 711 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:18,279 Speaker 1: your urgency around things, you can check your resentment because 712 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:22,040 Speaker 1: if we're feeling really urgent around doing something for someone 713 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:25,880 Speaker 1: or like someone has a problem and the urgency suddenly 714 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:28,840 Speaker 1: their problem has like lit a fire in my chest 715 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,000 Speaker 1: where it now is literally my problem. Now I'm not 716 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:36,320 Speaker 1: talking about work there, I'm talking about home because sometimes 717 00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:39,839 Speaker 1: your client's problem is your problem if it's your job 718 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:43,120 Speaker 1: to fix it. Right. So again we need discernment in 719 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:48,720 Speaker 1: the workspace around boundaries. But in home life and romantic life, 720 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:53,239 Speaker 1: it's the mindfulness piece, which is why I'm a meditation 721 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,560 Speaker 1: teacher and i have meditation CDs and I'm on inside 722 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:58,880 Speaker 1: time or with a million meditations, because it's such an 723 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:05,360 Speaker 1: important part of people being healthy is having some internal 724 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:11,160 Speaker 1: stillness and silence which gives you about two seconds more 725 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:16,480 Speaker 1: reaction time. Right, so you're not on autopilot because it's 726 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,759 Speaker 1: so easy to just as my teacher David G would say, 727 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:21,520 Speaker 1: wake up, earn through the day, drop and do it 728 00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:25,960 Speaker 1: all over again. You know, I think that's so good too. 729 00:41:26,239 --> 00:41:29,120 Speaker 1: I love all of that because also taking the time 730 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:31,000 Speaker 1: to pause or meditat or any of that stuff. It 731 00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,319 Speaker 1: goes back to what we were talking about with self abandoning, 732 00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:36,839 Speaker 1: Like when you're sitting with yourself in those moments, you're 733 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:40,680 Speaker 1: actually able to say, like, what is going on for me? 734 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,960 Speaker 1: And like when I can identify it within myself, whether 735 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,799 Speaker 1: it's work where I'm struggling because Chip and I'm both 736 00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:49,960 Speaker 1: work in the same industry, um or relationships. I mean, 737 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:51,879 Speaker 1: they're all the same to me. I struggle in all 738 00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,080 Speaker 1: of it. I realized. I didn't realize it, but it 739 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,239 Speaker 1: just it's all crossover. If you don't do boundaries, you 740 00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:58,120 Speaker 1: just don't do them in any of your life. But 741 00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,239 Speaker 1: so when I sit with myself, I can say, like 742 00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:02,760 Speaker 1: why am I resentful? Or why am I bitching about 743 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:05,160 Speaker 1: that person today? And most of the time it's, like 744 00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:07,160 Speaker 1: you said, I just need to set a boundary, and 745 00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:09,719 Speaker 1: I can come to a kind calm way to do that. 746 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,040 Speaker 1: You know, if I sit with myself for a second, 747 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:14,960 Speaker 1: do you have tips? I know we were running out 748 00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:17,200 Speaker 1: of time, but do you have tips? And I'm sure 749 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:20,600 Speaker 1: the book addresses this but of how to clearly communicate 750 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:25,200 Speaker 1: because to me, like boundaries are getting easier and instead 751 00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:26,960 Speaker 1: of being in the child place where I want to 752 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,040 Speaker 1: cry and I'm like, well, I don't know, just don't 753 00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:30,719 Speaker 1: do that, it makes me that, you know, I'm able 754 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:35,160 Speaker 1: to clearly communicate what I need or what need I 755 00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:39,080 Speaker 1: need I am doing without even being like aggressive with 756 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,399 Speaker 1: the other person about what it's not about what they're doing. 757 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:44,440 Speaker 1: It's like, this is me and this is a statement 758 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,200 Speaker 1: or probably not saying that right. But do you have 759 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:49,600 Speaker 1: tips for us to learn about boundaries of like clearly 760 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:54,799 Speaker 1: communicating in an easy manner? Of course I do, And 761 00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:58,640 Speaker 1: I mean there's a whole chapter in Boundary Boss which 762 00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:01,239 Speaker 1: people can get a Boundary ball us book dot com 763 00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:04,120 Speaker 1: um and there's a whole bunch of bonuses there too. 764 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:07,719 Speaker 1: But I created a whole chapter. But I'll let let's 765 00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:10,760 Speaker 1: talk about some easy frames and some stem some sentence 766 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:14,760 Speaker 1: starters that people can take away from this podcast, where 767 00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,680 Speaker 1: the first thing is knowing what the problem is and 768 00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:21,360 Speaker 1: not doing what you said, not waiting until you're a 769 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:26,080 Speaker 1: volcano the second you start feeling that bog in your 770 00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,319 Speaker 1: chest or your throat or wherever you get it, because 771 00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:30,120 Speaker 1: we all are bought. You know, the wisdom of our 772 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:33,879 Speaker 1: bodies is profound. Trust me, somebody says something, you don't 773 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:37,879 Speaker 1: say anything at the moment. Your body registered that ship immediately, 774 00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,200 Speaker 1: and if you think about it later, you're like, oh, 775 00:43:40,239 --> 00:43:44,239 Speaker 1: when did I start getting in a bad mood? It was, Yes, 776 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,319 Speaker 1: it's when Betty interrupted me during the team meeting and 777 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,560 Speaker 1: stole my thunder right or whatever the thing is. We 778 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:55,919 Speaker 1: identify what it is, and the sooner, like as soon 779 00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,200 Speaker 1: as a boundary violation or you you don't like something, 780 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,760 Speaker 1: I don't mean again it has to be every minut 781 00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:06,840 Speaker 1: shaw right, But the sooner we can establish boundaries right early, 782 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:11,080 Speaker 1: and often, I like to say especially in relationships, because 783 00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:14,439 Speaker 1: we're establishing how it's going to be. So if you're 784 00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,600 Speaker 1: if you're dating someone and they go, hey, i'll call 785 00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:20,439 Speaker 1: you Friday, maybe we'll go out on Friday night. Don't 786 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:22,799 Speaker 1: hear from them Friday? Then Monday they called their like 787 00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:24,480 Speaker 1: how is your weekend? Or they text you. Of course 788 00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,000 Speaker 1: they wouldn't even call what I What am I saying? 789 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:32,480 Speaker 1: What is the tex And they're like, how was your weekend? Right? 790 00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:37,640 Speaker 1: You can either collude with their bullshit reality because they 791 00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:38,880 Speaker 1: didn't do what they said they were going to do, 792 00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:40,880 Speaker 1: which is call you on Friday and tell them how 793 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,200 Speaker 1: your weekend was. Or you can say, oh, when I 794 00:44:43,239 --> 00:44:45,279 Speaker 1: didn't hear from you on Friday, I just figured you 795 00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,560 Speaker 1: fliked I had a great weekend. How about you, Like, 796 00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,719 Speaker 1: you say something and we don't need to be all 797 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:54,920 Speaker 1: aggirable about it, but you say something, and then if 798 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:59,080 Speaker 1: it happens again, you're like, dude, here's the thing. I'm busy, Like, 799 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:00,920 Speaker 1: you don't need to tell me gonna call me on Friday. 800 00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:02,600 Speaker 1: But if you do say it, I expect you to 801 00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,319 Speaker 1: keep your word. Now, yeah you would, You wouldn't say 802 00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:06,960 Speaker 1: it with the annoyance that I just said it with. 803 00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,880 Speaker 1: So let's talk about how how would we say it? 804 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:13,560 Speaker 1: Like you think that was annoying, Terry, you not be mad. 805 00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:19,160 Speaker 1: So a really easy frame is I'd like to make 806 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:23,480 Speaker 1: a simple request. Okay, So that's that's the beginning, right, 807 00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:28,359 Speaker 1: and this is used in work easy Breezy. Um, I'd 808 00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:29,920 Speaker 1: like to make a simple request that if you're going 809 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:31,680 Speaker 1: to be more than ten minutes, let you text me. 810 00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:35,080 Speaker 1: So I would have walked instead of taking an uber. 811 00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:37,000 Speaker 1: I know you were going to be late, just let me. 812 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:41,239 Speaker 1: We're letting the person know. We don't have to sit 813 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,680 Speaker 1: at the dinner all pissy, being withdrawn and anger giving 814 00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:47,279 Speaker 1: one word answers to show them how mad we are 815 00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:50,120 Speaker 1: without saying how mad we are. Because life is short, 816 00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:53,040 Speaker 1: people like you don't need to spend any minutes of 817 00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,719 Speaker 1: your life doing that, but we do. You know what 818 00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:59,560 Speaker 1: I mean, So say it, you feel the annoyance, say it. 819 00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:02,600 Speaker 1: We're giving them an opportunity to do it. Hopefully, the 820 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:04,880 Speaker 1: next time they're gonna be late, they're like, hey, if 821 00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:06,319 Speaker 1: you want to walk, walk, I'm not going to be 822 00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:10,160 Speaker 1: the six fifteen. Great thank you. And how seen you feel, 823 00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:15,080 Speaker 1: and how considered and loved you feel when someone takes 824 00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:18,400 Speaker 1: into consideration what you've asked them to do, it's amazing. 825 00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:22,000 Speaker 1: So by doing it, you're giving people the opportunity to 826 00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:25,920 Speaker 1: step up for you. And by holding resentment and just 827 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:29,160 Speaker 1: filing it in that you know, resentment file cabinet, you're 828 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:32,319 Speaker 1: not letting them right, We're not giving them an opportunity. 829 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,640 Speaker 1: I'd say for a lot of people though, with the 830 00:46:35,719 --> 00:46:38,160 Speaker 1: kind of disorder boundaries that you're talking about, Calan, really 831 00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:41,839 Speaker 1: chip you two is we want to stop the auto. Yes, 832 00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:46,560 Speaker 1: that's probably one of the most powerful UM ways that 833 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:51,600 Speaker 1: we can put the brakes on are disordered, boundary tendency, 834 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:57,480 Speaker 1: or habituated patterns. So for seven days, no, no, nothing, 835 00:46:57,520 --> 00:47:00,000 Speaker 1: There will be no thing that you say in immediate 836 00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:04,200 Speaker 1: yes too right, I mean unless it's like your boyfriends, 837 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:06,000 Speaker 1: like do you want to go out for dinner? Yes? Okay, 838 00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:07,719 Speaker 1: so you don't have to get back to them on that. 839 00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,440 Speaker 1: But for most of us, where someone's like, oh, can 840 00:47:10,480 --> 00:47:13,040 Speaker 1: you help me with this project? Can you help me move? 841 00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:17,040 Speaker 1: Can I borrow your car or your whatever it is? Um, 842 00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:18,319 Speaker 1: do you want to do? You want to come to 843 00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:21,839 Speaker 1: my house for dinner? Right? All of these things give 844 00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:26,840 Speaker 1: yourself the luxury of time. Nobody needs it's an immediate 845 00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:30,879 Speaker 1: answer from you. Literally, not one person needs it. And 846 00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:34,960 Speaker 1: so we you've trained people for what they can expect 847 00:47:34,960 --> 00:47:38,080 Speaker 1: from you, and now you're gonna retrain them. So for 848 00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:40,759 Speaker 1: seven days, you're not giving any immediate Yes is two 849 00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:49,719 Speaker 1: things you're going to say that's correct album release. So 850 00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:51,840 Speaker 1: what are we gonna say? What are we going to say? Instead, 851 00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:54,960 Speaker 1: We're gonna buy time. We're gonna say, oh, hey, you 852 00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:56,759 Speaker 1: know what I need to check my schedule. I need 853 00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:59,960 Speaker 1: to check with my boyfriend, my girlfriend. UM, I'll get 854 00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:01,440 Speaker 1: back to you tomorrow, or I'll go back to you 855 00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:04,480 Speaker 1: on Wednesday. Um or I've instituted a twenty four hour 856 00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:07,440 Speaker 1: decision making policy, so we'll let you know by end 857 00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:11,480 Speaker 1: of day tomorrow. Right like for my own sanity, UM, 858 00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:14,160 Speaker 1: I need I'm not positive what I'm doing. How about 859 00:48:14,239 --> 00:48:16,719 Speaker 1: just I need to even think about it? Are we 860 00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:19,440 Speaker 1: allowed to just think about things because we're not sure 861 00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:22,080 Speaker 1: that we want to do whatever the thing is? No, 862 00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:25,640 Speaker 1: I love giving the like time though what you just 863 00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:27,719 Speaker 1: said of like twenty four hours or at end of 864 00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:29,600 Speaker 1: day or even if it was an hour, let me 865 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,040 Speaker 1: think on that. I'll be back in an hour because 866 00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:35,120 Speaker 1: then it's like to me, calms the nervous system of 867 00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:37,719 Speaker 1: the other person too, And so there's not like like 868 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,120 Speaker 1: you're making a commitment to show up just such a 869 00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:42,239 Speaker 1: code of pens and it's not my job and it's 870 00:48:42,239 --> 00:48:47,239 Speaker 1: not my job to stop like it doesn't do the 871 00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:49,440 Speaker 1: thing where they're like, uh, like, I know we deal 872 00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:52,880 Speaker 1: with that in work because it is everything is so urgent. 873 00:48:53,239 --> 00:48:57,239 Speaker 1: So when I give people a time frame, they're like, okay, cool, yes, 874 00:48:57,560 --> 00:49:00,480 Speaker 1: and listen and we can call your doing that for 875 00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:03,160 Speaker 1: yourself is what you need to That's all I need 876 00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,319 Speaker 1: to think about, isn't it. Yes, because it makes you 877 00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:10,880 Speaker 1: less anxious to give a time frame because you're feeling 878 00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:13,359 Speaker 1: like they won't come back to you again about it, 879 00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:17,200 Speaker 1: or they won't be annoyed about it. But again, be mindful. 880 00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:21,359 Speaker 1: How you feel has to be the most important thing. 881 00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:24,840 Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean especially being an entertainment or music. 882 00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:30,759 Speaker 1: I mean that requires so much diplomacy and so much strategy, 883 00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:36,200 Speaker 1: social strategy in that world. Dude, it's like I'm a spy. 884 00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:38,680 Speaker 1: Like I could literally be a spy, like so good 885 00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:42,680 Speaker 1: at reading people reading, the reading a micro change and 886 00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:44,880 Speaker 1: a facial expression, and then suddenly I would be like 887 00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:48,279 Speaker 1: changing what I was saying so that their unhappiness would 888 00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,879 Speaker 1: go to happiness. Right, So what I meant was like 889 00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:56,000 Speaker 1: avoiding all of the rejection and the pushback, and yet 890 00:49:56,320 --> 00:50:00,200 Speaker 1: at the expense of what so part of it is 891 00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:04,440 Speaker 1: you have to have boundaries there. And another thing I 892 00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:06,480 Speaker 1: think you guys are going to realize is that you 893 00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:08,920 Speaker 1: can still do your jobs, you can still deliver, but 894 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:13,200 Speaker 1: people will have so much more respect. It's so true 895 00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:16,680 Speaker 1: for you, I read a call it last week from 896 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:19,520 Speaker 1: Warren Buffett that said, the difference between successful people and 897 00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:23,279 Speaker 1: really successful people is that really successful people say no 898 00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:27,359 Speaker 1: most of the time. It's true. Yeah, and it's really 899 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:29,560 Speaker 1: stuck with me. I'm not really good at remembering quotes, 900 00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:35,560 Speaker 1: but I remember that one for me too. That's so deep. Um, well, 901 00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:39,239 Speaker 1: I need to read this book fully because it was like, 902 00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:42,840 Speaker 1: obviously I've shown my colors a couple of times. The 903 00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:45,840 Speaker 1: book is called Boundary Boss, The Essential Guide to Talk, True, 904 00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:49,680 Speaker 1: be Seen and finally Live free? Terry, Where else can 905 00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:52,200 Speaker 1: people find you? Because I did mention your Instagram? Will 906 00:50:52,239 --> 00:50:55,200 Speaker 1: you tell them your handle? Sure? Just at Terry Coal, 907 00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:58,120 Speaker 1: which is Terry cole r R I c O l E. 908 00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:01,520 Speaker 1: I also have a gift for your audience, so amazing 909 00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:04,400 Speaker 1: they can they can find it at Boundary Boss, dot me, 910 00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:09,320 Speaker 1: forward slash velvet. Okay, and it's about it's it's a 911 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:13,600 Speaker 1: video and it's a downloadable guide on boundaries and codependency. 912 00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:17,839 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, well, guys, to watch now. I think 913 00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:22,000 Speaker 1: you're gonna love it. She's like, please do you were good? 914 00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:25,200 Speaker 1: I love it. Thank you so much. This is so helpful. 915 00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:28,000 Speaker 1: You guys go volutary on Instagram. Go check out the 916 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:31,440 Speaker 1: free gifts. Thank you for doing that. That's amazing. Um 917 00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:33,600 Speaker 1: do Chip do you have any signing off things. I 918 00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:35,560 Speaker 1: feel like you've got a purpose here. I think she 919 00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:38,200 Speaker 1: gave you some yes. No, I think there's a lot 920 00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:41,520 Speaker 1: there for me. Yeah. Well, thank you guys so much 921 00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:44,040 Speaker 1: for having me. Of course, thank you for being here, 922 00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:45,240 Speaker 1: and thank you guys for listening.