Speaker 1: Welcome to Go Ask Alli, a production of Shonda Land
Speaker 1: Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio. I'm a sniper.
Speaker 1: I'm admitting it totally. Yeah. Yeah. The fact that you
Speaker 1: don't keep your mouth shut is what's so great about you. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you truly, and that's if you can shine as
Speaker 1: you're going to death, you can shine as you going
Speaker 1: through Middle Lange, right, Yeah, like why not start now?
Speaker 1: I'm going to enjoy my life. At the end of
Speaker 1: the day, I'm just a little particle on an asteroid
Speaker 1: flying through space. So exactly. Yeah, just aspect were aspects.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Go ask Alli. I'm Ellie Wentworth And this
Speaker 1: season I am digging into everything I can get my
Speaker 1: hands on. I'm just trying to peel back the layers
Speaker 1: and get dirty. And this episode is about taking care
Speaker 1: of aging parents and it's something that's very close to
Speaker 1: my heart because I am dealing with it right now
Speaker 1: with both my mother and my father. And it's the
Speaker 1: craziest thing when you are in this moment in life
Speaker 1: that I'm in where your children are growing and your
Speaker 1: parents are growing older and you're kind of sandwiched right
Speaker 1: in the middle of it. And so for the past
Speaker 1: few years, my siblings and I have been trying to
Speaker 1: figure out sometimes kind of blindly, what the right care
Speaker 1: is for my mother, what medications should for my father
Speaker 1: be on, Should she go to assistant living, should he
Speaker 1: age at home? And it has become all consuming and
Speaker 1: confusing and anxiety making and painful in so many ways.
Speaker 1: So this episode, I want to kind of dig into
Speaker 1: the practical, emotional, and realistic aspects of this time when
Speaker 1: you were once the kid and now you are the
Speaker 1: parent to your parents. Today, we have two guests, actress
Speaker 1: Brandy Evans is sharing her very personal story of caring
Speaker 1: for her aging mother and Mary Hume, a gerontology consultant,
Speaker 1: and she's offering a professional's advice for adult children seeking
Speaker 1: the best pathway to care for their aging parents. First up,
Speaker 1: we have got Brandy Evans. Oh my gosh. She's an actor,
Speaker 1: a host, a choreographer, and a businesswoman. She's a series
Speaker 1: regular on the highly acclaimed Stars Network show p Valley,
Speaker 1: for which she received an n double a CP Image
Speaker 1: Award nomination for Outstanding Lead Actress. Brandy is the creator
Speaker 1: and CEO of the hip hop and Heel's fitness platform
Speaker 1: that focuses on WOO the Empowerment and Encouragement of Women.
Speaker 1: Brandy is also a dedicated caregiver for her mother, who
Speaker 1: suffers from multiple scurosis, and has documented her experience on
Speaker 1: social media. So, Brandy Evans, let me tell you how
Speaker 1: I discovered you. I was doing my usual scroll, meaning
Speaker 1: I should have been making dinner, and I was just
Speaker 1: like scrolling on everything, and I came upon an article,
Speaker 1: I believe it was l Yes, Yes, Yes, and I
Speaker 1: was reading the article and I thought, Wow, this woman
Speaker 1: is cool. Not only is she cool and accomplished, but
Speaker 1: she has been taking care of her mother, which really
Speaker 1: really resonated with me because I have now two aging
Speaker 1: parents and it's a full time job. And I noticed
Speaker 1: a lot of people in my life at this point
Speaker 1: are dealing with aging parents. I have another friend and
Speaker 1: both her parents came to live with her in Manhattan
Speaker 1: in two hospital beds in her living room, And so
Speaker 1: I thought, I really want to talk to Brandy about
Speaker 1: the relationship with her mother, How it got to be
Speaker 1: that you were the caretaker, and how do you balance
Speaker 1: all of it. Obviously there was a switch when you
Speaker 1: kind of became the parent and she became the child.
Speaker 1: So what happened? You know what, My mom was always active.
Speaker 1: So first of all, let's just start with I never
Speaker 1: thought I'd be in this position, but I, as she
Speaker 1: had a fall, used to dance for artists. So I
Speaker 1: was on on tour with an artist by the name
Speaker 1: of Lettucey, and my brother called and he was like,
Speaker 1: you know, mama fell, And I was like, what's going on.
Speaker 1: He's like, she gotta go to rehab and so, you know,
Speaker 1: we're just thinking just a broken leg or something, you know,
Speaker 1: hurt for a little while, I had no idea would
Speaker 1: take her out. So once she got into the rehabilitation center,
Speaker 1: she lost the ability to be able to walk. And
Speaker 1: she was already a little shaky with the walking because
Speaker 1: she has multiple sclerosis, and if you know anything about
Speaker 1: multiple scross is it can go different ways. You're gonna
Speaker 1: have pain, or it can just take away your ability
Speaker 1: with your nervous system to be able to walk and
Speaker 1: do just you know, things that we sometimes think as
Speaker 1: just normal everyday activities. Yeah we take for granted, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: And so she fell and that that lasted about two years.
Speaker 1: And I remember being a little girl and promising her
Speaker 1: that I would never put her in a nurse at home.
Speaker 1: Grandma used to work in one and we would go
Speaker 1: and visit, and I was like, Mama, I'll never do that.
Speaker 1: But on her birthday she ends up in a nursing home.
Speaker 1: I was I felt like the worst child ever. So
Speaker 1: I had to figure that out. You know, how can
Speaker 1: I get her out of it? How old was she
Speaker 1: at this point? Mama was gosh, how old was she been?
Speaker 1: That might have been sixty three. Yes, she'll be sixty
Speaker 1: nine this year. I love that you call her mama.
Speaker 1: I love that. Um So when she felt I was
Speaker 1: just like, I gotta get her out of there because
Speaker 1: the care in the nursing home, it's just not what
Speaker 1: I wanted. And I'm not knocking anyone that has to
Speaker 1: do it, because, as you know, we got to do
Speaker 1: the best we can, and sometimes people just aren't able
Speaker 1: to bring them out of those homes. Sometimes it's just
Speaker 1: not possible with the life that they lived. But I
Speaker 1: just knew that that's what my mom truly never wanted,
Speaker 1: and I had to figure out a way. So I did.
Speaker 1: I taught dance classes, I was doing Gold Fund Mese
Speaker 1: with friends. I was even telling people, don't buy me anything.
Speaker 1: For Christmas, you know, donate to help me get my
Speaker 1: mom at the nursing home fund and then I brought
Speaker 1: her December twenty one to l A with no job
Speaker 1: and only the money that I have in gold fund Me.
Speaker 1: And I'm still just like, how did I do it?
Speaker 1: I know it's God and friends and the great community
Speaker 1: of people that and strangers that that helped us. But
Speaker 1: who It's been a journey physically and mentally. What an
Speaker 1: amazing daughter you are, I mean, really that is. I mean,
Speaker 1: you don't come across many people that sacrifice their time
Speaker 1: and their money and everything to take care of a parent.
Speaker 1: I mean, one thing I've noticed with my own mother,
Speaker 1: who was very isolated up in Maine, is that even
Speaker 1: the nursing homes near her, they're really expensive. It's very
Speaker 1: expensive to get care and especially to age in this country.
Speaker 1: I really don't know how most people do it. I
Speaker 1: don't know. And you know what, we never know until
Speaker 1: we get in it, because I've heard that and just
Speaker 1: I remember just growing up here and people talk about
Speaker 1: how medical benefits aren't what we need. And you know,
Speaker 1: it didn't bother me because I didn't have to deal
Speaker 1: with it at the time. And then when you have
Speaker 1: to deal with it, Oh my goodness to find out
Speaker 1: that California, who I would not have thought, gives so
Speaker 1: much help to the elderly and disabled, but yet my
Speaker 1: hometown of Memphis, Tennessee barely anything. Atlanta, Georgia when I
Speaker 1: brought Mom here, not one dime of trying to help
Speaker 1: our elderly. And I'm like, wait, I'm from the South,
Speaker 1: That's what we do, right, And you know, you would think,
Speaker 1: like in l A people are just living the Hollywood lives,
Speaker 1: but no, they have so many things. But that took
Speaker 1: a lot of research um to find out, and a
Speaker 1: lot of people don't share it. So I'm so glad
Speaker 1: you're doing this. Thank you for talking about it, because
Speaker 1: it's so many people that need to know, like you know,
Speaker 1: to really do the research about the extra things that
Speaker 1: happened for the elderly and disabled in your local city,
Speaker 1: because there were so many things that I didn't know.
Speaker 1: And yes, I have the valley now, but I did
Speaker 1: not have it for four or five years with Mama,
Speaker 1: so the money just started coming, so we did not
Speaker 1: have it. So there are so many resources that the
Speaker 1: government doesn't want us to know about because they don't
Speaker 1: want to really give that money out. But there are
Speaker 1: so many resources and all you have to do is
Speaker 1: ask a so should work at a hospital. And I
Speaker 1: wish I would have known that sooner and it could
Speaker 1: help so many people. That's excellent. Then I also even
Speaker 1: found the insurance stuff gets crazy too. They don't really
Speaker 1: cover a lot of the things you think they're going
Speaker 1: to cover. And then even even getting a nurse, Like
Speaker 1: I just wanted a nurse with my mother in case
Speaker 1: she fell, and I'm like, I don't make this much
Speaker 1: an hour? What how right these and if you want
Speaker 1: a good nurse, let's because I went into that like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't have the money, so you get what you
Speaker 1: pay for. I will tell you that that's true. So
Speaker 1: then you have to figure out, Okay, I need to
Speaker 1: find the right amount of money to get the right
Speaker 1: type of nurse. Because that the amount of nurses I
Speaker 1: think I can count. I've probably lost count actually with
Speaker 1: just trying people loud, and you know, from thirteen dollars
Speaker 1: an hour, y'all know they're not gonna do anything for you.
Speaker 1: You're not going to get a good nurse until you
Speaker 1: get up into the twenties. An hour an hour up,
Speaker 1: and that's what I was thinking, like who gets paid that?
Speaker 1: Like wow? But also you have to be concerned about
Speaker 1: if you're paying thirteen an hour for a nurse or caregiver,
Speaker 1: you know they're also I've heard all these stories that
Speaker 1: they get money out of their bank account. You know,
Speaker 1: if your parents are sort of helpless, and depending on
Speaker 1: how you know, there are cognitive functions their brain are working.
Speaker 1: I mean, these poor people get scammed left and right. Um,
Speaker 1: so it's a scary space. Okay, So let's go back
Speaker 1: to you. So you're on P Valley, right, you're on
Speaker 1: this hit show. And so now you've taken a really
Speaker 1: sharp turn in your life. So now how are you
Speaker 1: dealing with Mama and this big career. Oh it's been
Speaker 1: so hard. I missing so much. Um, it's been a
Speaker 1: blessing and it's been so difficult. The blessing is that
Speaker 1: I can afford the right type of care in the home.
Speaker 1: She now has two caregivers that are twenty four hours,
Speaker 1: so I have one there for three days, one there
Speaker 1: for four days. So Mama has never left alone, which
Speaker 1: was always the goal because before P Valley, I know
Speaker 1: it's wrong, y'all, but let's just keep it real and
Speaker 1: if you're struggling, We've all been there where I've had
Speaker 1: to audition that left Mama by herself on a live
Speaker 1: camera because I was like, I just I gotta go
Speaker 1: to this audition. I feed her, I left her in
Speaker 1: the bed, I watched her on the camera, I ran
Speaker 1: an audition and ran back. I don't have to do
Speaker 1: that anymore, thank god. But those were some of the
Speaker 1: things that I had to do. Acting classes. I was
Speaker 1: rolling her into acting classes if it was too late
Speaker 1: or she'd had an MS attack that day, where I'm
Speaker 1: just like, she's too tired. Then i feed her before
Speaker 1: acting class and I'd have her in my lap while
Speaker 1: acting class with the volume off, watching her. And I've
Speaker 1: chosen acting class that was close enough that I could walk,
Speaker 1: so I remember one time at lunch noticing that her
Speaker 1: bib had fell down and it was kind of like
Speaker 1: covering her face a little, and I literally ran out
Speaker 1: of acting class. But I was home within five minutes,
Speaker 1: fixed her, ran back the class. The struggle has been real,
Speaker 1: so but it's been a blessing. But it's hard because
Speaker 1: I missed her and then when I go home, I
Speaker 1: see the decline, which we always see it when we're there,
Speaker 1: but it's it's so much harder when you've been gone
Speaker 1: for a little bit and you come back and see it.
Speaker 1: So I have that guilty thing sometimes, But I know
Speaker 1: I'm a good daughter. So I'm like battling the You're
Speaker 1: being a good daughter. Why aren't you with her? You
Speaker 1: know now you are? And believe me, if we do
Speaker 1: that with her mother's we do it with our children.
Speaker 1: You know. That's just that's part of life. That's part
Speaker 1: of being a woman. I think. So, how how is
Speaker 1: she is Mama? Verbal? Is she? Is she bedbound? Where
Speaker 1: is she right now? In terms of her medical situation?
Speaker 1: She is a bad bound? She's the client quite a bit. Um.
Speaker 1: It's kind of hard watching, you know, when you go
Speaker 1: back and you look at where we started from, and
Speaker 1: I was like, wow, she was really talking to me
Speaker 1: in s and I know this year or I went
Speaker 1: home after we got a break for p Valley for
Speaker 1: Christmas and she didn't talk all Christmas day or the
Speaker 1: day after Christmas, and I was devastated. I'm like, I've
Speaker 1: moved during this new place. I've got these caregivers and
Speaker 1: I'm just like my mom hasn't spoken to me, So
Speaker 1: I was just trying to figure out how I could
Speaker 1: work that out with her to you know, diff and
Speaker 1: medicines were four twenty friendly in l A. We are
Speaker 1: UM and I talked to the doctors first before doing this,
Speaker 1: and the doctors and I quote said, there's nothing that
Speaker 1: we could prescribe better for her than what you're doing.
Speaker 1: And so she doesn't speak much, but UM, I tried
Speaker 1: literally the third day after being home, and I tried
Speaker 1: a different edible for her, and I was just like talking,
Speaker 1: not thinking she would speak back. I was like, how
Speaker 1: you doing, mom? And she was like I'm good. And
Speaker 1: I was like like, oh my god. So it was
Speaker 1: like those moments and I was like how are you
Speaker 1: And She's like I'm good, how are you? And I'm
Speaker 1: just like wow. So those moments, I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: truly live in the moment when she can understand me
Speaker 1: and and and says those words. And so she has
Speaker 1: the CBD with a little THHC in it. So when
Speaker 1: I tell you I've researched um Snoop Dogg actually supplies her.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, he actually does that. I need him.
Speaker 1: I need him for my mom. Yes, he's good. You know,
Speaker 1: he's amazing and and it totally helps. She's able to
Speaker 1: talk and with her her salava keep start from talking.
Speaker 1: That's what I've realized is that she can't necessarily not talk,
Speaker 1: but she's holding on to the salava. But when she
Speaker 1: either smokes medicinal or has an edible, it helps dry
Speaker 1: her mouth up. So like younger people are people that
Speaker 1: are doing it for a recreation. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have dry mouth. That's great for mama because
Speaker 1: now she can talk. That's incredible. I didn't know I
Speaker 1: was gonna get some helpful tips from Brandy Evans today,
Speaker 1: but wow, I gotta you gotta hook me up with
Speaker 1: Snoop Dogg for my mom um. And so you have
Speaker 1: siblings too, correct, Yes, I have two brothers, older and
Speaker 1: a younger. How does it work when because I have
Speaker 1: siblings too, When you have a parent that needs this
Speaker 1: kind of help, whether they're aging or they have a disease,
Speaker 1: how do you divvy up who does what? And don't
Speaker 1: you find that there's a little bit of competition and
Speaker 1: or the feeling of like, well, he's not doing enough.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm doing everything. Why isn't he you have
Speaker 1: problems with that? Listen, if we're gonna be honest, let's
Speaker 1: just go there. In the beginning, yes, I was very
Speaker 1: angry in the beginning, and then with growth and time
Speaker 1: and just communication with my brothers. It's not that they
Speaker 1: didn't want to, they just couldn't you know what I
Speaker 1: mean like that, and you know, they have the kids.
Speaker 1: I chose that I didn't have the kids. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm here and I can help. My younger brother's military,
Speaker 1: and my older brother he has his three boys. And
Speaker 1: at first I was very angry, but now just with communication,
Speaker 1: they are so supportive. You know, it's just like we
Speaker 1: know what we're good at, and I know that I'm
Speaker 1: that person that's always trying to take it on and
Speaker 1: I was just the one that was meant to take
Speaker 1: care of Mama. And we're we're all still good. They
Speaker 1: check on her. They're becoming the l a in June
Speaker 1: to see her. So we're working it through. But it
Speaker 1: is very normal. And I wish someone would have told
Speaker 1: me that in the beginning, because the first couple of
Speaker 1: years are very hard, and I would even say things
Speaker 1: like my others don't care. When that was absolutely not
Speaker 1: the truth. Yeah, I have found when talking to other
Speaker 1: people that are dealing with this, a lot of people
Speaker 1: say one of the sort of side effects is fighting
Speaker 1: with their siblings because suddenly, you know, you have a parent.
Speaker 1: We've always all been the kids the whole time, and
Speaker 1: then you have a parent, and everybody's saying, well, listen,
Speaker 1: I can't I'm like my career, or I can't you know,
Speaker 1: I have young kids, and so there's a little bit
Speaker 1: of a tussle about, like, well, who's going to take
Speaker 1: care of mom or dad? And nine times out of
Speaker 1: ten it's usually the girl's usually the daughter, and you know,
Speaker 1: because we can do do it all. But also there
Speaker 1: was a lot of fighting. There was a lot of
Speaker 1: you know, feeling unfair and put upon, and people who
Speaker 1: did communicate, like you said, got through it, but a
Speaker 1: lot of people, like had shattered relationships with their siblings
Speaker 1: because of this. So it's I think it's really important
Speaker 1: when you're dealing with the parent in a situation like
Speaker 1: this that you communicate very well with the other siblings. Yes,
Speaker 1: I know. I remember talking to my little brother and
Speaker 1: it's hard because you know their feelings are valid too.
Speaker 1: It felt like you're taking Mama from us, you know.
Speaker 1: And for me, my mom was like, no, I'm going
Speaker 1: to take care of her to make things better. But
Speaker 1: those are her baby's too, And for a minute, I
Speaker 1: was just like, well, I'm the one and they're like what,
Speaker 1: we love her too, you know. So communication, don't you
Speaker 1: find it? Um? It's surreal and there's something about it
Speaker 1: that's bittersweet. But when now our mother is older and
Speaker 1: infirmed and we're the caretakers, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: I just I constantly have little flashbacks of snippets of
Speaker 1: my mom holding my hand, taking me here, and you
Speaker 1: go wow, and here I am a grown woman and
Speaker 1: I'm you know, feeding my mom apple sauce, Like wow, yes,
Speaker 1: how did this happen? I've had act lee that thought.
Speaker 1: And I remember a smiling one day and I looked
Speaker 1: at her and it wasn't too long ago, and I go, Mama,
Speaker 1: how did I know how to do this? And she
Speaker 1: just smiled at me and I said, because you taught me.
Speaker 1: And it's just like remember the things that she did
Speaker 1: for you. And I was just like wow, how she
Speaker 1: would teach me to clean it. It's so many things
Speaker 1: that I would be so angry about because my mom
Speaker 1: was stripped. Like she would leave a note and be like,
Speaker 1: this is what you need to have cooked. I would
Speaker 1: be in the tenth grade and it would be like lasagna,
Speaker 1: corn bread, Like I'm like, what, I gotta come home
Speaker 1: and cook all this. But now it's just like for
Speaker 1: the holidays. I'm like, well, I know what you want
Speaker 1: to eat and I know how to cook it because
Speaker 1: you talked. So yeah, oh God, that's so great, and
Speaker 1: Mama will be you with you forever, right, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: that's the thing. She was so sad season two because
Speaker 1: I brought her with me season one to Atlanta. But
Speaker 1: that's when I learned they don't have the type of care.
Speaker 1: The nurses that I needed just weren't the same. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I gotta leave you here this time, Mama,
Speaker 1: And she cried and it broke my heart because I
Speaker 1: remember she's still in there, because even if she's not talking,
Speaker 1: she's in there. She knew I was leaving, but I said, Mama,
Speaker 1: you're staying here, you know. I was like, you're not leaving,
Speaker 1: you know, to go to a home. I'm making this
Speaker 1: home for you, and I'm gonna go work and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna come back, and I would come back every month,
Speaker 1: and that's been difficult, but just knowing that I can
Speaker 1: can do this has has been beautiful to come back
Speaker 1: and forth with her. But she was very, very very
Speaker 1: hurt at first, thinking that I was leaving her. And
Speaker 1: I said, Mama, you're gonna be with me forever. And
Speaker 1: when I said that, I saw her light up and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm just going to work. But we
Speaker 1: are here until one of our last breaths. Yea, I
Speaker 1: have a question for you. I was just gonna ask you,
Speaker 1: go ahead, yes, I do. So now that I know
Speaker 1: that you are caring for your aging parents, what do
Speaker 1: you do? People always ask me what do I do
Speaker 1: for myself? And you have two girls, so you're so
Speaker 1: caught up in being mama to everybody? What do you
Speaker 1: do for yourself? For your peace? Relaxed? I do two things.
Speaker 1: One is I in the early morning, I walk my dog,
Speaker 1: who's a mutt hound Mutt, and I walk him for
Speaker 1: like four or five miles, and I I just you know,
Speaker 1: I live in Manhattan, so I go into Central Park
Speaker 1: and I just look at trees and breathe and think,
Speaker 1: and sometimes I have to pull out my iPhone to
Speaker 1: write on the notes. You know, I'll think like, oh,
Speaker 1: I gotta ask Brandy Evans this or I gotta remember
Speaker 1: to do this. And so by the time I get
Speaker 1: home around I'm feeling centered ready, you know, makes me
Speaker 1: a better mom, daughter, wife. Um. And the other thing
Speaker 1: is when stuff gets real crazy, I closed the bathroom
Speaker 1: door and I go, Mama's in the bath, don't come
Speaker 1: in here, you know, which is another way of kind
Speaker 1: of whosh. Um. What do you do for self care? Oh?
Speaker 1: You know what. I love that first of all, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna take you up on that because
Speaker 1: I think this was what I needed to hear. Because
Speaker 1: if one more person tells me I need to take
Speaker 1: a moment in the morning and breathe, so okay, fine,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it. Um. I love working out, so
Speaker 1: that is my one moment that I can release it
Speaker 1: all if it's punching a bag whatever, because I can't
Speaker 1: bring that energy back in the house, so I have
Speaker 1: to take that time to get away. I love hiking,
Speaker 1: like you said, like just taking the moment to breathe.
Speaker 1: I don't even walk around wal Mart. Sometimes you just
Speaker 1: got to leave the house. Yeah, I'll tell you one
Speaker 1: other dirty little secret. Okay. Sometimes I don't get too
Speaker 1: very often, but sometimes I go to outlet malls, uh,
Speaker 1: and I can spend like six hours in an outlet
Speaker 1: mall just looking for something that's odd sail for nine dollars,
Speaker 1: but it's adult jingoballo that used to be to that,
Speaker 1: you know, that kind of thing. It's almost like an
Speaker 1: Easter egg hunt. And for some reason, I'm so focused
Speaker 1: on that one thing that I my brain is just
Speaker 1: kind of relaxing because it's only looking for a bargain.
Speaker 1: But there were times when my husband couldn't find me.
Speaker 1: Are you in an outlet? Yes, I am, But anything
Speaker 1: that lets our brain kind of calm down because I
Speaker 1: think we always have so many plates up in the air.
Speaker 1: So anyway, someday Brandy will work out together then take
Speaker 1: a bath together. Okay, Brandy Evans, I'm so glad I
Speaker 1: got to talk to you. It's such an amazing story
Speaker 1: and more p Valley right, Yes, it is coming. I
Speaker 1: can't tell you when. Well. You deserve everything, and give
Speaker 1: Mama a big kiss from all of us to thank you.
Speaker 1: And it's time for a short break. When we come
Speaker 1: back dearontology consultant Mary Hume will share her expertise on
Speaker 1: how to Navy gator aging parents care, and we're back.
Speaker 1: My next guest is Mary Hume. Mary is a licensed
Speaker 1: clinical social worker with specializations and healthcare and gerontology, and
Speaker 1: also holds degrees in psychology and social welfare. Mary's a
Speaker 1: licensed clinical social worker with specializations and healthcare and gerontology,
Speaker 1: and also holds degrees in psychology and social welfare. She's
Speaker 1: a founder of Moonstone Geriatrics in San Francisco, which provides
Speaker 1: geriatric care, consultations, care management, and advocacy. Oh Mary, Hi,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being here. You're very welcome. Now,
Speaker 1: I just want to sort of give my listeners a
Speaker 1: little backstory, because the reason I know you, Mary, is
Speaker 1: that me and my three siblings have been dealing with
Speaker 1: an aging mother. And the four of us were having
Speaker 1: all these zooms, and I found that each child had
Speaker 1: a different idea about how to deal with our mother
Speaker 1: and where she should be and what she should take.
Speaker 1: And and finally, my younger sister, Fiona said, I think
Speaker 1: we need some help. I don't think any of us
Speaker 1: know what we're doing or what we're saying, and so
Speaker 1: you came and had a fantastic conversation with us, and
Speaker 1: that is why you are sitting in front of me
Speaker 1: with some headphones on. So let me start here. When
Speaker 1: people first approach you, is their first question about do
Speaker 1: I keep my parents at home or do I put
Speaker 1: them in assisted living because I can't tell if they're
Speaker 1: needy of that, or if I should allow them to
Speaker 1: age at home, because I have found, certainly with my
Speaker 1: friend's parents that they sort of dig their heels in
Speaker 1: because they don't want to go anywhere else and they
Speaker 1: don't want to change what has been their life for decades.
Speaker 1: So yes, that that question comes up quite frequently. Um
Speaker 1: my mom, we think wants to stay at home, but
Speaker 1: we don't think she should. She's not safe, she's at risk.
Speaker 1: And then when you throw in more than one adult child,
Speaker 1: then there are different ideas about whether that that should happen,
Speaker 1: when that should happen, and how that should happen. And
Speaker 1: I usually back up a little bit and start by
Speaker 1: asking the adult child or adult children, have you spoken
Speaker 1: to your mom or your dad about this? And if so,
Speaker 1: what have they said? And oftentimes no, they have not
Speaker 1: spoken to the parent. Or parents about it at all.
Speaker 1: They've come up with their own plan about what should happen,
Speaker 1: when it should happen, and how it should happen. And
Speaker 1: as long as the older adult who is my client
Speaker 1: really has capacity, then that conversation about what they want
Speaker 1: is really really important. And so that's often that's usually
Speaker 1: where I will begin. Um, start with where they are
Speaker 1: right now. Okay, don't think too far ahead. We start
Speaker 1: with the current situation, and then we break it down. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do we really need to focus about now? What's important?
Speaker 1: What do we need to be thinking about? How can
Speaker 1: we address it? And then the second piece is okay,
Speaker 1: and what do we need to be thinking about down
Speaker 1: the road? So things like the power of attorney for finance,
Speaker 1: that's important. But a lot of times we got crisis
Speaker 1: going on. We got mom wandered off, she got lost.
Speaker 1: I have one client now who has escaped out of
Speaker 1: her secure dimension. It twice to get cigarettes, you know.
Speaker 1: So so let's start with the the urgent needs and priorities.
Speaker 1: And when I consult with these families, you know, we
Speaker 1: have an hour to an hour and a half. I
Speaker 1: always start by saying to them what's important for us?
Speaker 1: To cover right now today during this talk, and then
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, now we have a sort of a
Speaker 1: checklist of what to address and what order, and then
Speaker 1: we can go from there. And for some of my
Speaker 1: clients I don't hear from them again, for some I
Speaker 1: don't hear from them for a year, and for others
Speaker 1: I'm a PRN as needed, so they circle back around
Speaker 1: with me as things change, which they will. So when
Speaker 1: do you know that maybe your parents need help? Is
Speaker 1: it because they're forgetting about medications, they're they're leaving the
Speaker 1: oven on? I mean, are there sort of tell tale signs? Yes?
Speaker 1: And what are those? Um? I would safety first, so,
Speaker 1: like you mentioned things like leaving the stove on, any
Speaker 1: kind of wandering behavior, getting lost, difficulty driving, little tiny
Speaker 1: fender benders, medication management, not being able to manage the medications. UH.
Speaker 1: Financial abuse which often is not discovered right away because
Speaker 1: adult child intend not to be keeping an eye on
Speaker 1: the checkbook so much or the accounts. Um My busiest
Speaker 1: time of years December in January, and that's because these
Speaker 1: kids have not seen their parents often for about a year,
Speaker 1: and then with the pandemic it was maybe two years.
Speaker 1: So December January, after Thanksgiving, Christmas holidays, my phone explodes
Speaker 1: with kids. When I say kids, I mean adult children
Speaker 1: in their fifties usually who are just horrified. They show
Speaker 1: up to the house and they see, you know, the
Speaker 1: dishes aren't done, the lawn hasn't been mowed, the male
Speaker 1: has piled up, and then they start to look around
Speaker 1: and dig a little bit deeper. And you know, parents
Speaker 1: are not always very forthright with their children about having difficulties.
Speaker 1: And I do have so many conversations with these adult children,
Speaker 1: and I say to them, you know, I don't want
Speaker 1: my children telling me what to do, not when they're young,
Speaker 1: not when they're young adults, and not when I'm eighty
Speaker 1: and so. So that is a big factor. And then
Speaker 1: also many of these adult children are really busy. They
Speaker 1: have jobs, they have kids, they have teenagers, they live
Speaker 1: across country, they live out of the country, which some
Speaker 1: of my clients I'm working with with adult kids who
Speaker 1: are in Europe and their parents are here in the US.
Speaker 1: I think it's frightening for adult children to, like you said,
Speaker 1: see the mail, piling up, dishes, um rodents, you know,
Speaker 1: all kinds of stuff like that. But also the cognitive decline,
Speaker 1: you know. I I've noticed, certainly with some friends. At
Speaker 1: first they're very startled by the fact that Mom, I
Speaker 1: just told you where the coffee was, or Mom, we
Speaker 1: already went to the market, you know, And so that
Speaker 1: seems to scare people the most, and they go, oh,
Speaker 1: my god, they've lost their mind. They need to be hospitalized.
Speaker 1: And it's interesting because I think you're right. I think
Speaker 1: adult children think that their priority is to make all
Speaker 1: the decisions and to actually not include the parent in
Speaker 1: the decision. And I'm sure you have found that a
Speaker 1: lot of aging parents resist that just because they've been independent.
Speaker 1: So tell me how how do you massage the conversation
Speaker 1: of they probably do need help and an aging parents
Speaker 1: saying no, I'm fine like that seems to be the
Speaker 1: hardest bridge to cross to start having these conversations. I
Speaker 1: think one of the things I do, and I will say,
Speaker 1: I mean, currently right now I'm helping to physicians, a nurse,
Speaker 1: and to social workers with their parents. They have contacted
Speaker 1: me for help. And that goes back to my earlier point,
Speaker 1: which is their parents are going to hear or discuss
Speaker 1: or talk about these kinds of issues and subjects and
Speaker 1: topics much more openly with someone like me than they
Speaker 1: are with their own children. In most cases, there are
Speaker 1: some very our families where they are able to do that.
Speaker 1: But I'm able to go in as an advocate for
Speaker 1: the parents to let them know that I'm here to
Speaker 1: listen to what they want. I'm a trained mediator, so
Speaker 1: as needed, I've had adult children, grandchildren, and then my clients.
Speaker 1: Fifteen people in a room, all trying to communicate about
Speaker 1: what my adult client wants and needs and just as importantly,
Speaker 1: what they don't want. That often gets left out of
Speaker 1: the picture. And so if my client does not want
Speaker 1: to move out of their house and their firm on that,
Speaker 1: and they're not demented, where they really can't. They don't
Speaker 1: have the capacity, they don't have insight, they can't make
Speaker 1: sound decisions. But if they do, then let's stop wasting
Speaker 1: our time about trying to convince mom or dad that
Speaker 1: they need to move, that this isn't safe. And when
Speaker 1: we talk about safety, everybody has different standards of what
Speaker 1: safety is to them. I have some clients and they
Speaker 1: have stairs, and yes, they might fall down those stairs,
Speaker 1: and the children are saying, you can't stay here, you know,
Speaker 1: you're walking is not good. You had to fall last year,
Speaker 1: you might trip, so a whole lot of you know,
Speaker 1: maybe might could. And then you have my clients saying,
Speaker 1: I don't care if I fall. I want to follow
Speaker 1: my house and if I die, I want to die
Speaker 1: in my house. And if that means it's at the
Speaker 1: bottom of my stairs, then I'm okay with that. And
Speaker 1: so that's a different perspective. A lot of healthcare professionals, physicians, nurses,
Speaker 1: their training is very different, and their training is much
Speaker 1: more you can't be at home, you're not safe, and that,
Speaker 1: to me is a very simple answer that really doesn't
Speaker 1: address the real picture. And so as a mediator, what
Speaker 1: happens when the aging parents and the adult children are
Speaker 1: just not getting any closer to seeing eye to eye,
Speaker 1: Then often we separate and I will be working with
Speaker 1: the older adult and then I will be having calls
Speaker 1: with the adult children to walk them through sort of
Speaker 1: how to manage their own emotions, how to understand that
Speaker 1: their wants, their needs, their desires, and their expectations may
Speaker 1: not happen if they're not in line with their parents.
Speaker 1: And I think I think that's one of the most
Speaker 1: helpful ways that I can assist families. I've noticed, not
Speaker 1: in my family, but in other families where there's more
Speaker 1: than one adult child, that the siblings start to have
Speaker 1: inner fighting, because I mean, the obvious is that you know,
Speaker 1: one of them thinks they know best, but there's a
Speaker 1: lot of guilt involved, and there's usually and I'm curious
Speaker 1: to see if you found this, there's one adult child
Speaker 1: that kind of takes on the aging parents themselves. They're
Speaker 1: the ones that end end up doing most of the
Speaker 1: traveling or making decisions or have you found that? Oh, definitely, Yeah, definitely,
Speaker 1: And it's usually a female, either the daughter or the
Speaker 1: daughter in law. When I have the young men, the
Speaker 1: son's calling me, it's usually because they're single. And so
Speaker 1: what I try to work with is divvying up the responsibilities,
Speaker 1: because all that does is build resentment, you know, and
Speaker 1: the one person, whether it is a female or a
Speaker 1: male or or whoever, um, they may feel like they
Speaker 1: should do it, they need to do it, they want
Speaker 1: to do it, but it becomes too much. It becomes
Speaker 1: too much as the parent ages, as they get more frail,
Speaker 1: if they're cognition becomes impaired, and so in those cases
Speaker 1: it's it's a matter of okay, who can do the finances,
Speaker 1: who can do the taxes, who can take that piece on,
Speaker 1: who is physically closest, who can oversee the grocery shopping,
Speaker 1: the housework, that kind of thing, and then other kids
Speaker 1: that are further away, okay, well, who can do the
Speaker 1: bigger things like the house needs a new roof take
Speaker 1: on those projects. And so it's really it's a team
Speaker 1: effort and figuring out who can do what and who
Speaker 1: is willing to do what, and then looking at logistics
Speaker 1: and physically you know who's close and who's not. That's
Speaker 1: very helpful. Also, I know a lot of people are
Speaker 1: dealing with parents with real cognitive decline, with dementia, with Alzheimer's.
Speaker 1: My husband has a mother with severe dementia. And do
Speaker 1: you correct them when they're wrong? You know, when they say, like, oh,
Speaker 1: my weddings next week. Do you say, no, it's not
Speaker 1: it's not you've been married for fifty years. Or do
Speaker 1: you go, oh, that's great. I mean, this is a
Speaker 1: question that comes up more and more. No, you say,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, what are you gonna wear? I mean,
Speaker 1: unless someone's mildly impaired, where they still have because with
Speaker 1: most dementias, the first thing to go insight and judgment.
Speaker 1: But early on people do know they have an impairment.
Speaker 1: They do know. Most people if they want to know
Speaker 1: that their memory is not working well. But we know
Speaker 1: this disease will progress. And that's a lot of the
Speaker 1: education I do with families and loved ones. A lot
Speaker 1: is about and it's really difficult, especially for logical people,
Speaker 1: because demension is not a logical disease and moves up, down, backwards, forward.
Speaker 1: So anytime you think you sort of have a handle
Speaker 1: on it, I promise you, it's gonna flip on you
Speaker 1: and something new will come up. And so my little
Speaker 1: mantra I say to to the families and loved ones
Speaker 1: is if my client says that the grass is blue
Speaker 1: and the sky is grain, I say, and isn't that
Speaker 1: a beautiful shade of grain? And so you really have
Speaker 1: to flip the way you think because you are in
Speaker 1: their demented mind and their impaired brain. You're not going
Speaker 1: to talk about of it. I would assume it confuses
Speaker 1: them even more to try to correct them. It's not helpful.
Speaker 1: It confuses them, It makes them feel defensive. If they're
Speaker 1: not super impaired. UM, they're looking at your visual cues.
Speaker 1: And so when you are denying their reality, when you're
Speaker 1: basically telling them what they're saying or what they're thinking
Speaker 1: is wrong, there's nothing that's helpful about that. And so
Speaker 1: it's really you need to move out of your own concrete,
Speaker 1: logical world and you need to move into their world.
Speaker 1: And it takes practice, it really does. We'll be right
Speaker 1: back and we're back. How do you handle elderly people
Speaker 1: that become belligerent, Well, you mean people with dementia, People
Speaker 1: with dementia who's start lashing out, who start hitting, particularly
Speaker 1: if they want to age at home. Right, I think
Speaker 1: the first thing I do with with my clients before
Speaker 1: even thinking about medication, and there's no perfect medication. Actually,
Speaker 1: UM is really looking at environmental factors. And so it's
Speaker 1: we call this the ABC. I have my clients keep
Speaker 1: a log of behaviors sort of the anti seat and like, okay,
Speaker 1: what was the behavior, but what happened before? And not
Speaker 1: just like what happened, but what time of day was it,
Speaker 1: what were the circumstances, and then what did you do
Speaker 1: about it? How did you respond? And because with different
Speaker 1: adult children are different people involved. They're all going to
Speaker 1: have very different experiences to what happens, and so for me,
Speaker 1: it's really important to catalog and keep track, not forever,
Speaker 1: but maybe for a few weeks. Um, not just the
Speaker 1: bad times or the bad instances, but also the good ones,
Speaker 1: so that family members can keep track of what was
Speaker 1: going on in the environment, any triers that we might recognize,
Speaker 1: how that person responded. Maybe somebody put music on and
Speaker 1: it worked, maybe somebody put music on and it didn't work.
Speaker 1: And then to do a comparison, because not only do
Speaker 1: we want to look at the time of day, the
Speaker 1: environment and what was going on, but we also want
Speaker 1: to do look at how different loved ones, family members,
Speaker 1: people involved in the care responded to see Okay, that
Speaker 1: was helpful. I gave her a bowl of ice cream
Speaker 1: that seemed to work, what did not work? And then
Speaker 1: you have four or five different people all tracking and
Speaker 1: we can start to figure out a lot more information
Speaker 1: about how to manage the situation and decrease the agitation.
Speaker 1: And then there's also working on the physical approach with
Speaker 1: people with dementia. I mean just little things. UM. I
Speaker 1: go to a lot of nursing homes. I got to
Speaker 1: go to a lot of assisted livings and I don't
Speaker 1: know if you've ever had someone try to put a
Speaker 1: spoon in your mouth where they're kind of coming at you.
Speaker 1: Even without dementia, you're not going to like that. And
Speaker 1: so I also work with the families on approaches to
Speaker 1: just hygien and eating, on how to use a spoon
Speaker 1: or a toothbrush, and how you come from behind and
Speaker 1: you put it in their hand and you let them
Speaker 1: do it. You don't try to stick something in your
Speaker 1: mouth or you're gonna get smacked. Um. I'm a strong
Speaker 1: believer in trying to maintain the dignity of everybody of
Speaker 1: my clients and respecting their wishes. And I think adult
Speaker 1: children sometimes get so caught up sort of the forest
Speaker 1: for the trees and the little details that that gets lost.
Speaker 1: The safety thing comes up so much and putting safety
Speaker 1: over everything else. And guess what, most of my eighty
Speaker 1: five year olds, they don't really care about safety. They
Speaker 1: want their bowl of ice cream after dinner. They want
Speaker 1: their half glass of wine once in a while. They
Speaker 1: want to be able to walk outside even if it's raining.
Speaker 1: Those are the things that are important to them. At
Speaker 1: this time in their life. And again, yes, your parents
Speaker 1: might fall down and die. Well, they're going to die.
Speaker 1: We're all going to die. And so a lot of
Speaker 1: what I try to do, and because of what I
Speaker 1: see is the kids becoming so focused on little details,
Speaker 1: little things and obsessing about it, that the bigger picture,
Speaker 1: the maintaining that sense of dignity and self gets lost.
Speaker 1: You mean, they get focused on the stairs, the stairs,
Speaker 1: the stairs, the stairs. Yes, or my mom she you know,
Speaker 1: she's not putting her clothes on right away. You know,
Speaker 1: there's little stains on them, little things like that. And
Speaker 1: that's an easy mistake to make because in most cases
Speaker 1: they're really just trying to be helpful. They're really just
Speaker 1: really trying to do the right thing. What about socialization?
Speaker 1: And I'll speak from my own experience. You know, my
Speaker 1: mother was very isolated up in Maine, and she was
Speaker 1: getting very depressed and very anxious. She's now in independent
Speaker 1: living and she's a different person. And for me, having
Speaker 1: not knowing a lot about aging humans, it was as
Speaker 1: if it shaved off ten years of her life, just
Speaker 1: her spirit in general. And then I have a father
Speaker 1: who's extremely isolated, who wants to age at home but
Speaker 1: never sees people, and I see much more of a
Speaker 1: decline just in you know, he just watching Maverick on TV.
Speaker 1: And so, how important do you think is the socialization
Speaker 1: and should adult kids be mindful of that? Well? I
Speaker 1: I've always known how important it is, but the pandemic
Speaker 1: I think proved it to everybody, not just for older adults,
Speaker 1: but for all of us. I mean, one of my
Speaker 1: clients said to me, this was maybe six months ago
Speaker 1: when we got the third wave, and she said to me,
Speaker 1: you know, Mary, I think my antidepressants need to be
Speaker 1: taking antidepressants. Um. And so I couldn't get in to
Speaker 1: see clients. They couldn't get out nursing homes, assisted livings.
Speaker 1: I was still able to get into the home environment. Um.
Speaker 1: And oh my goodness, I saw clients just the depression
Speaker 1: and the isolation and the suddenly no motivation because they
Speaker 1: couldn't do anything, they couldn't go anywhere. And and then
Speaker 1: for the families and the loved ones, it's been heartbreaking.
Speaker 1: Let's end on a positive note, Mary, what are some
Speaker 1: of the things we can do to make our aging
Speaker 1: parents happier? I think try to provide experiences and memories Um,
Speaker 1: most of my clients don't want things anymore. They're trying
Speaker 1: to get rid of things. They don't want more things.
Speaker 1: So um experiences time together, which creates memories. I really
Speaker 1: think that that's the best thing. At the same time,
Speaker 1: really listening carefully. I'm guilty of saying to my own mother,
Speaker 1: I can't read your mind. I need you to tell
Speaker 1: me what would be helpful, you know, cleaning the bathtub,
Speaker 1: scrubbing the stairs, you know, those kinds of in person
Speaker 1: when you can do it helpful things. And again, so
Speaker 1: many older adults are really hesitant to ask for help,
Speaker 1: and so it's really a matter of seeking out what
Speaker 1: what they would enjoy at this time in their life.
Speaker 1: And for many of my clients, they don't have that
Speaker 1: many so many years left, right, And I would assume
Speaker 1: that when you have an aging parent, no matter what
Speaker 1: your history, your psychological history is with them, whether you
Speaker 1: felt that you were feeling abandoned as a kid, or
Speaker 1: that they were too harsh there, they didn't like the
Speaker 1: person you married, you kind of at the end of
Speaker 1: their life have to put that aside and just be
Speaker 1: a human being with them. I think you know, and
Speaker 1: just know that when they pass. There's no guilt involved.
Speaker 1: That you were there at the end and you were
Speaker 1: loving them and you were giving them these experiences and
Speaker 1: not holding grudges, And to me, that would be the
Speaker 1: most peaceful thing for both parties. I agree that you
Speaker 1: did your best. Yeah. Yeah, So, Mary, the tradition in
Speaker 1: the show Go Ask Ali is that I ask you
Speaker 1: a million questions, but then I allow my guests at
Speaker 1: the end of the podcast to ask me a question,
Speaker 1: and it can be about anything. So what is your
Speaker 1: question Mary? For me? Well, since we've spent this half
Speaker 1: hour talking about aging and older adults, I think I'd
Speaker 1: like to ask a question about you when you were younger. Um,
Speaker 1: tell me what your most embarrassing moment was as a
Speaker 1: teenager or college. Oh, there are so many to choose from, Mary,
Speaker 1: but I have a couple of biggism I think I
Speaker 1: have some biggias too. I think one of the most
Speaker 1: embarrassing moments was I was a sophomore in college and
Speaker 1: I went to a party and I was wearing a
Speaker 1: top that tied around the neck. It was kind of
Speaker 1: a halter top. And this was a kind of a
Speaker 1: party was older students, and I wanted to you know,
Speaker 1: seem kind of cool. And at one point I was
Speaker 1: talking to a bunch of people and there were people
Speaker 1: laughing and I didn't know what was going on, and
Speaker 1: I sort of turned around. I realized they were kind
Speaker 1: of laughing at me, which I'm used to in my life,
Speaker 1: and I had realized that the top had untied and
Speaker 1: fallen and I was just standing there topless. Now I
Speaker 1: don't have the kind of boobs that rendered people with
Speaker 1: their tongues hanging out in It was just intense laughter.
Speaker 1: And I pretended like, oh gosh, how crazy, and acted
Speaker 1: like it was no big deal. But I actually went
Speaker 1: into the bathroom and cried. That was an embarrassing moment
Speaker 1: that has clearly stuck with me. I can realize why.
Speaker 1: So there you go, all right, okay, visiting old moments.
Speaker 1: I had one college um. It was a public speaking
Speaker 1: class and I had to read a paper in front
Speaker 1: of a hundred students. I was eighteen, so I was
Speaker 1: a freshman, and I really wasn't worried about it because
Speaker 1: I didn't know I was afraid of public speaking until
Speaker 1: I got up on stage in front of the podium
Speaker 1: and I started to read this paper. And as I
Speaker 1: was reading it. I don't know if you've ever had
Speaker 1: that kind of right before you faint. You know, the
Speaker 1: sweat starts and the shaking starts, and then the noise
Speaker 1: in your ears. It's like the room misclosing upon you.
Speaker 1: And so, in front of over a hundred nineteen year
Speaker 1: old I had to step from the podium, find a chair,
Speaker 1: sit down, spread my legs, and put my head down
Speaker 1: between my legs. Well, everybody watched me least say I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I didn't do public speaking until graduate school when I
Speaker 1: was thirty. I can understand why. By the way, I
Speaker 1: can totally understand. Oh my god, so sorry, But yours
Speaker 1: is pretty bad too. Yours is a little worse. Actually,
Speaker 1: at least I kept my clothes on. Well, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: good for you. Thank you Mary, and thank you for
Speaker 1: helping my siblings and I with my mom. Oh, you're
Speaker 1: very welcome. Listen. It is incredibly difficult for the children
Speaker 1: of aging parents and the aging parents themselves, and I
Speaker 1: think you have to trust your instincts about what's right
Speaker 1: for your parents. I certainly know that my mother was
Speaker 1: looking at independent living and luckily found a place that
Speaker 1: she really liked, and I just went to visit her
Speaker 1: and has basically her own apartment with all the scaffolding
Speaker 1: of medical help around her. The socialization was such a
Speaker 1: key component for her, the idea that there are people
Speaker 1: around that she can go downstairs and have dinner with
Speaker 1: other people her age and talk about politics and art
Speaker 1: in music. She's very sharp and very lucid as a person,
Speaker 1: but she's so much more engaged now. She goes to
Speaker 1: the museum, she goes to the opera. She would not
Speaker 1: go to the outlet mall with me, but I'm working
Speaker 1: on that. I will say that it took her about
Speaker 1: six months to feel acclimated because it's a huge change.
Speaker 1: And I mean, you know, we never go out of
Speaker 1: our high school thing where you know, there's clicks. People
Speaker 1: have already been at the facility, they've already formed some relationships.
Speaker 1: You have to kind of give it time and be proactive.
Speaker 1: I mean, my mother is very good at, you know,
Speaker 1: starting a movie night, or if it's Abody's birthday, getting
Speaker 1: everybody to sign a card so they will find their
Speaker 1: place and listen. At one point or another, everybody will
Speaker 1: deal with an aging parent and at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, you have to do what's right. For your parents.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to Go Ask Alli. Check out
Speaker 1: our show notes for more info. Be sure to subscribe,
Speaker 1: rate and review the podcast, and follow me on social
Speaker 1: media on Twitter at Ali e Wentworth and on Instagram
Speaker 1: at the Real Ali Wentworth. Now if you like to
Speaker 1: ask me a question or so just a guest or
Speaker 1: topic to dig into, I'd love to hear from you,
Speaker 1: and there's a bunch of ways to do it. You
Speaker 1: can call or text me at three to three three
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