1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,719 Speaker 1: This is what's behind the mask. I feel so deeply 2 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:04,840 Speaker 1: exposed right now. You're really going to have to make 3 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: a choice, Brown Vision. You're gonna have to make a choice. Bafam. 4 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 1: Is this the host you want to support or is 5 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: it too much? I don't know, but I said I 6 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: was taking off the mask, so be it. Before we 7 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: get into this episode, I want to give you all 8 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:23,160 Speaker 1: the trigger warning. This is a very heavy mental health 9 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:27,240 Speaker 1: episode and I'm going to be talking about depression and 10 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:31,639 Speaker 1: anxiety alight a lot. If you are suffering from depression, 11 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,760 Speaker 1: you've got thoughts of harming yourself, and you need help, 12 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: you can call or text nine to eight eight. That's 13 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:42,880 Speaker 1: the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. And with that being said, 14 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:52,519 Speaker 1: let's get into today's episode. Abafam. It's your girl, Mandy 15 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:58,400 Speaker 1: aka Mandy Money. This episode has been on my mind 16 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 1: for a while. I can't stop thinking about it. I've 17 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,360 Speaker 1: been running through my mind what I wanted to say, 18 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,480 Speaker 1: how I want to say it, why I want to 19 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:15,280 Speaker 1: say it. But it's just become abundantly clear to me 20 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:20,120 Speaker 1: that the best thing I can do for myself in 21 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: this season is to be brutally honest with the people 22 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 1: I care about the most. And it's about damn time 23 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,119 Speaker 1: that I take off the mask and get a little 24 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: bit vulnerable. It's already starting. I think the scariest thing 25 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,920 Speaker 1: about opening up to you all is that I don't 26 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: necessarily at all have an ending to the story to 27 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,720 Speaker 1: make you feel better about it, to make myself feel 28 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 1: better about it. There's no and then I did this, 29 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: and I'm going to tell you how I've been waiting 30 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,200 Speaker 1: for that. If I'm honest, I've been waiting for myself 31 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 1: to get right so that I can come to y'all 32 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 1: and tell you what's been going on after I've figured 33 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 1: it out, and after I, you know, fixed it. I 34 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: can't fix it. I can't fix it. I'm not fixed. 35 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: I'm I'm not healed. I'm not okay. I don't know 36 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 1: if I'll be okay anytime soon. And I've been so 37 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: hungry and like looking for other people, you know, who 38 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: show up in the way that I have too for work, 39 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:51,959 Speaker 1: who are dealing with some similar challenges. And I'm looking 40 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,239 Speaker 1: for it. I'm not finding it, and it's it feels 41 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: really lonely. Honestly, I don't know if it's bravery so 42 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: much as driving in this moment other than just sheer 43 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:07,840 Speaker 1: exhaustion of pretending otherwise. I'm so tired of showing up 44 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: to this microphone and putting on the mask. I'm deeply depressed. 45 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 1: I've been deeply depressed most of my life. I suffer 46 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: from depression. There's been many periods of my life when 47 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: I've been very high functioning. Thank you, doctor Judith Joseph 48 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: for giving us that terminology. Very high functioning. Depression was 49 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: just another obstacle that I had to overcome on my 50 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,800 Speaker 1: path to, you know, creating the life that I've always 51 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: dreamed for myself. And I wasn't gonna let it get 52 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 1: me down. And I wasn't gonna let the negativity, I 53 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 1: would say, or my lack of energy and my sadness. 54 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,160 Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna let it get in my way. It 55 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: was almost I was fighting it, battling it, trying to 56 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 1: be stronger than it. And I succeeded. I was doing 57 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 1: great in a lot of ways. I've been doing great, 58 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 1: and I succeeded my way out of that pain and 59 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 1: that that challenge, that struggle for a long long time. 60 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 1: And what's different? What's different now? Mandy? Why are why 61 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:36,160 Speaker 1: am I not able to just push through it and 62 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: ride the waves. A lot of things have happened. I'm 63 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: older now, I'm thirty eight years old. I have a 64 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: much more demanding life now that I've ever had before. 65 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,480 Speaker 1: I'm a mom, I have two children. I'm a wife. 66 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: I'm still a daughter and a sister. I am a citizen. 67 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:01,719 Speaker 1: I try to be a good neighbor. I'm the host 68 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 1: of Brown Ambition podcast. I've been running a career coaching 69 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:10,840 Speaker 1: business for three four years now. There's a lot on 70 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,520 Speaker 1: that list to be grateful for. So why am I struggling? 71 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,159 Speaker 1: Why am I not able to do it? I know 72 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:18,920 Speaker 1: all the things. I know how to do self care, 73 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,239 Speaker 1: I know how to meditate, I've done all the therapy, 74 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: I've read the books. So what the hell? Why am 75 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:34,359 Speaker 1: I still not getting any better and in fact getting worse. 76 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 1: Another big shift happened this year. Y'all know Tiffany left 77 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: the show My Beloved and I was so excited for 78 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: the new chapter of Brown Ambition and continue to be. 79 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:55,480 Speaker 1: But showing up to the microphone by myself for the 80 00:05:55,520 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 1: past ten months has been so challenging. I miss Tiffany, 81 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,080 Speaker 1: even if I was showing up feeling like even how 82 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: I'm feeling right now, I can always rely on our dynamic, 83 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 1: our chemistry, our friendship to make things feel lighter for 84 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 1: that hour and a half that we were recording. You know, 85 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,680 Speaker 1: I've had some incredible Brown Table co host of course, 86 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 1: Chris and Yeat, Nelly. I haven't told anybody. I haven't told, 87 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: you know, anyone who's co hosted the show with me 88 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 1: what I'm going through. And what that means is that 89 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 1: I'm putting on a mask for them. And I had 90 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,840 Speaker 1: a level of trust with tiffany where I could have 91 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 1: I could be completely honest with how I was feeling 92 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 1: and how I was showing up and at least I 93 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: could get that off my chest before we hit record, 94 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: and you know, we would do our thing, but I'd 95 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: always know that she knew what was really going on. 96 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: And it's been really lonely, I think recording the show 97 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 1: and people on the other side of the screen who 98 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:08,279 Speaker 1: don't really know and don't really know me or what's 99 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 1: happening with me. Not everybody needs to know my business. 100 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 1: At the end of the day, I have a job 101 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 1: to do. I'm here to give them a platform, share 102 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 1: my platform with them, and help them amplify whatever it 103 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: is that they're working on, and then of course like 104 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: do a good show for y'all. But it can get 105 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: really exhausting to put on the mask and show up 106 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,120 Speaker 1: as frequently as I have been. I've still been doing 107 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: two to three episodes per week without fail. I should 108 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,200 Speaker 1: have started off by saying this, this is not me 109 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: leaving brown ambition. We built this brick by brick. I'm 110 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: not walking away from it. But I do want to 111 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: stop showing up with a mask on. And I hope 112 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 1: that that's good enough. I hope that I hope that 113 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 1: everything that we say is true, that we can hold 114 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,520 Speaker 1: space for people who are going through depression at a 115 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 1: really tough time, and that we can be loving toward 116 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 1: them and not think less of them. I hope that 117 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,280 Speaker 1: that's true. I don't know why, but I've been afraid 118 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:17,960 Speaker 1: that if I showed up like this that it would 119 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: be rejected, especially at a time when there's so much 120 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: We're just all inundated with things to be sad about 121 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: and to be afraid of, and there's fear, and is 122 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 1: this really what we need right now? Is bandy woodrof 123 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: boohoo and on a podcast? I think depression is a liar. 124 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 1: I know depression is a liar. I know so many 125 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:47,080 Speaker 1: of the things that I think can feel don't actually 126 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 1: have any basis in fact or reality, but the feelings 127 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 1: feel so real. If you've ever felt withdrawn and like 128 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,960 Speaker 1: you want to withdraw from everything that everyone that you 129 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:07,480 Speaker 1: love and hold dear because you feel toxic and you 130 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 1: want to protect them from yourself from that negativity. You 131 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:19,679 Speaker 1: want to you want to dig a moat around yourself. 132 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: It's really about protecting the ones you love from having 133 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 1: to see you like that and to cause them any pain. 134 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,240 Speaker 1: You're already in so much pain. The last thing you 135 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: want to do is to cause the people you love pain, 136 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: and so you withdraw. And I have been doing that. 137 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: I've been withdrawing from most people that I can, anyone 138 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: that I really can, anyone I can get away with it. 139 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: I have been tapping out. I have been Homer Simpson 140 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: disappearing into the hedge. I've been saying no, I've been 141 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:01,920 Speaker 1: buying tickets to events and not going. I've been I 142 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:07,200 Speaker 1: have been RSVP yes and then withdrawing at the last minute. 143 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,880 Speaker 1: It's I don't want to show up anywhere where I 144 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,600 Speaker 1: have to put on a mask. It's just too exhausting. 145 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,959 Speaker 1: It truly is. And the only place, the only space 146 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 1: where I have felt like I could really be who 147 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 1: I am is in these four walls of my home. 148 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 1: And I haven't really figured out how to be in 149 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 1: the world depressed without the mask quite yet. I think 150 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 1: I'm so used to putting on that show and sparkling 151 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: and tap dancing and bake it everybody feel good to 152 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,280 Speaker 1: be in my presence and cracking the jokes and all that, 153 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:52,960 Speaker 1: that I feel so vulnerable and self conscious not being 154 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 1: that version of myself. What does it mean to be 155 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,679 Speaker 1: the host of brown Ambition and to be deeply depressed? 156 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,040 Speaker 1: What does it mean to be the host of brown 157 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 1: and vision and a coach to women who are striving 158 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,719 Speaker 1: and working and deserve more in their careers? If I'm 159 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 1: also plagued by anxiety and doubts and am fighting this 160 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,440 Speaker 1: dragon every day? Am I allowed to do those things? 161 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: Am I still allowed? Am I still welcome in the 162 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,439 Speaker 1: spaces where I have shown up as my full self? 163 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,440 Speaker 1: Will anyone want to work with me when they see this? 164 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: If they see it? Will anyone trust me? If they 165 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:49,360 Speaker 1: know the truth that I'm not okay all the time. 166 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 1: I don't know. But what I do know is I'm 167 00:11:54,800 --> 00:12:03,400 Speaker 1: so goddamn tired of a mask. I don't want it anymore. 168 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,680 Speaker 1: You can have it back, you can have it back, 169 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: taking it off. No, I'm not giving it to anybody else. 170 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: We're just gonna burn the mask. Let's just burn it together. 171 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:21,800 Speaker 1: I mentioned that I've been depressed for most of my life, 172 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 1: and it's a really hard truth to hold, especially as 173 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 1: a mom. I worry because I know at such a 174 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: young age I was depressed, you know, by the age 175 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,440 Speaker 1: of like seven or eight. I are my first memories 176 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 1: of being depressed, if that's only a few years older 177 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,360 Speaker 1: than my oldest son. I was just a case where 178 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 1: in a really volatile home, the one who is quiet 179 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 1: seems to be doing well and needs to be quiet 180 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 1: and needs to be okay because so much else is 181 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,320 Speaker 1: not okay. And so from a very young age I 182 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: learned how to put on that mask. I was okay. 183 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: I did really well in school, grades were popping GPA 184 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:25,319 Speaker 1: on point, but I wasn't able to make friends and 185 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: maintained relationships, and I was very isolated and withdrawn into 186 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 1: myself as a child. Why am I sharing this. I 187 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:39,559 Speaker 1: just I just wish that someone had seen me and 188 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: uh helped me at a much younger age. And I 189 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: just want to acknowledge that so many kids who are 190 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:58,200 Speaker 1: doing well, they're playing sports. Okay, I didn't play any sports. 191 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: I was in the mertae band, but they're maybe they're 192 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:07,839 Speaker 1: doing activities and they're doing well in school, and like, 193 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 1: there's there's signs, there are signs that it's a mask. 194 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: And for me, that was extreme irritability and just a 195 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 1: horrible attitude. Once I got home and could take the 196 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 1: mask off. I didn't realize it then, but I realize 197 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,800 Speaker 1: it now that I was just as exhausted keeping the 198 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 1: mask on at school and in my activities, and when 199 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 1: I came home it felt like I could finally take 200 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 1: it off. But then it wasn't okay to do that 201 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: either at home, because you're so frustrated and you have 202 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: so much pent up emotion that it manifest as anchor 203 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 1: and bitterness. And I wasn't a delightful person to live 204 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 1: with in my teenage years at all. And you know, 205 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 1: I carried the same coping mechanisms into college. And I 206 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 1: remember it was maybe my senior year of college I 207 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 1: was so high functioning, and I was doing all the things. 208 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,760 Speaker 1: I was an editor at the newspaper, I had an internship. 209 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:25,280 Speaker 1: I was driving back and forth to Atlanta to cover 210 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 1: politics and as a journalist, and I took a full 211 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,120 Speaker 1: course load. I was determined to graduate, you know, all 212 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:39,800 Speaker 1: the nose at four years and I just found myself 213 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 1: trapped in my car, all my way to a career 214 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: fair that I was late for, and I was trying 215 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: to tick off all the things on my to do list, 216 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,520 Speaker 1: and I was running late, and I just kind of 217 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 1: collapsed in the car and cried. And then I took 218 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 1: myself to therapy that next week, and I remember the 219 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: therapist forget her name, I think it was Maria, all 220 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: these years later, and just explaining to her that I 221 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 1: was doing all these things, but I wasn't feeling anything. 222 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:17,120 Speaker 1: I didn't feel like successful, I didn't feel proud, I 223 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:21,320 Speaker 1: didn't feel anything. I felt nothing. And I finally have 224 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 1: a word for it, thanks again to doctor Judith Joseph. 225 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 1: In her book High Functioning, she writes about a condition 226 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 1: called on hadonia and handonia. I don't want to butcher that, 227 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 1: and it's essentially why when we're depressed we lack joy 228 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:47,400 Speaker 1: and feeling emotions about things that one would think would 229 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 1: bring us joy. And I really suffered from that as 230 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 1: a college student, and I overcame it at the time. Honestly, 231 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: I stopped living based on what I thought I was 232 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,720 Speaker 1: supposed to do, and I started to pursue my own 233 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,480 Speaker 1: passions and dreams. And I turned down my first job 234 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,879 Speaker 1: offer after college, and I traveled to South America and 235 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 1: I did whatever the hell I wanted to do, and 236 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: I fell in love, and I played and I went out, 237 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,560 Speaker 1: and I partied, and I traveled and I had all 238 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:25,639 Speaker 1: these adventures and it was so liberating. And I came 239 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: back from that experience just a changed woman, truly, And 240 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,880 Speaker 1: even as I embarked on my career in New York 241 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 1: City as a journalist, I still carried that experience with me, 242 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,119 Speaker 1: that freedom that I built so much self love for 243 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,960 Speaker 1: myself and really started to love myself during those travels, 244 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 1: and that became this like glowing golden ember inside of 245 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,879 Speaker 1: me that I had been missing for so long, and 246 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,760 Speaker 1: all of this that I really could feel joy. I 247 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,640 Speaker 1: had this positivity, this light inside of being that new 248 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,840 Speaker 1: that I could overcome any kind of challenge that came 249 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:10,280 Speaker 1: my way, and that continued really all the way through 250 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:16,040 Speaker 1: my twenties and even my early thirties. And what shifted, 251 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,679 Speaker 1: what shifted, what shifted or I hit some bumps in 252 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 1: the road. The pandemic was a huge one. Becoming a 253 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 1: mother during the pandemic was traumatic, and I think I'm 254 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:37,120 Speaker 1: still I know now, I'm still recovering from that trauma 255 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:42,360 Speaker 1: of being alone and being a new mom in that 256 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:47,639 Speaker 1: cold winter of twenty twenty and haven't fully healed from that. 257 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 1: I also had a huge career upset. I'm not quite 258 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 1: ready to talk about that publicly. I had a big 259 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:02,640 Speaker 1: career upset that left me feeling very rejected and cast out, 260 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:08,640 Speaker 1: and I haven't healed from that fully. And I had 261 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,119 Speaker 1: and if you've listened to the show, you might know this. 262 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 1: And part of me is like, oh am, I still 263 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 1: talking about this. But I had a heartbreaking, painful breakup 264 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 1: with a best friend and that was I think the 265 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:32,320 Speaker 1: third blow in the in the span of a few years, pandemic, 266 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:38,120 Speaker 1: big career upset, big friendship breakup. And then the heads 267 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,679 Speaker 1: kind of kept coming, the heads that come with life. 268 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 1: You know, you have aging parents, you have unresolved family shit, 269 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 1: and yeah, throw a couple of kids in the mix, 270 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:52,680 Speaker 1: and you're you know, you're throwing in a marriage and 271 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 1: you're hitting these challenges and you're not sure how to 272 00:19:55,760 --> 00:20:00,320 Speaker 1: even do marriage during times like that, and it just 273 00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:07,600 Speaker 1: becomes a clusterfuck of challenges. And it's been a lot. 274 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:14,040 Speaker 1: It still is a lot, and I am reckoning with 275 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:22,440 Speaker 1: the reality that I really can't succeed my way out 276 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:28,200 Speaker 1: of this depression. This time I have tipped over, unfortunately, 277 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:33,360 Speaker 1: from high functioning depression into the land of low functioning depression, 278 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,520 Speaker 1: where it is much much, much more challenging for me 279 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:42,399 Speaker 1: to push through and to accomplish and to achieve the 280 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 1: way that I could and have always achieved my way 281 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: out of challenging situations. That has been a extremely painful 282 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:57,680 Speaker 1: realization and scary, very scary when you have a family 283 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:03,199 Speaker 1: relying on you financially to all of a sudden not 284 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:09,680 Speaker 1: be able to or find it much more difficult to 285 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:14,919 Speaker 1: show up and earn and deliver the way that you 286 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:19,720 Speaker 1: have been for years. And just add that up to 287 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: the other, you know, to the piling up list of challenges. 288 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: Financial insecurity is uh is one of them, and there's 289 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,840 Speaker 1: a lot of shame around that for me too, because 290 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: I'm not supposed to be dealing with that. I'm bandy 291 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: money Hello, but I want to be If I'm gonna 292 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: take off the mask, I'm taking off the mask. If 293 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,040 Speaker 1: I'm going to sit here and tell y'all what's been 294 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,600 Speaker 1: going on, I'm not going to leave anything out. And 295 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:57,600 Speaker 1: that's true. It's true. Finances are not great, and part 296 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 1: of the reason why they haven't been great is because 297 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:08,000 Speaker 1: I've been patching my lack of productivity with savings, with 298 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: dipping into investments, with yeah, tapping that nest egg. Uh huh, 299 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,920 Speaker 1: I did it? Ooh, she did it. What's gonna happen? Oh? No, 300 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,200 Speaker 1: the police are coming for me. It sucks to say 301 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,400 Speaker 1: all this out loud. I mean, it sucks, but it's 302 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,480 Speaker 1: it's this is what's behind the mask I feel. So 303 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,359 Speaker 1: I don't think you guys know, I feel so deeply 304 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:35,399 Speaker 1: exposed right now, You're really gonna have to make a 305 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,720 Speaker 1: choice Brown and Vision. You're gonna have to make a choice. 306 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 1: Ba fan, Is this the host you want to support 307 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 1: or is it too much? I don't know, but I 308 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: said I was taking off the mask, so so be 309 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: it now with emotional depression. I don't know why I 310 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,119 Speaker 1: said that. That's not a clinical term. I don't think obviously, 311 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,359 Speaker 1: I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist, so I don't know. 312 00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:00,040 Speaker 1: But what I mean that is with the feelings of 313 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,399 Speaker 1: depression and my moods and the way that my brain 314 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 1: is has been depressed lately, not lately, but the past 315 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:15,560 Speaker 1: five years. That depression has become physical. It's become in 316 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:21,360 Speaker 1: my body. It's manifested in rapid weight gain, and as 317 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 1: a result of weight gain, sleep apnea. And I've been 318 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:33,920 Speaker 1: diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and I haven't been sleeping 319 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: who God knows how long I haven't been sleeping. And 320 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,080 Speaker 1: once I had a diagnosis of sleep apnea, on the 321 00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:45,320 Speaker 1: one hand, it was relief because at least there's a solution. 322 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,399 Speaker 1: I'm going to get one of those giant masks and 323 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 1: I'm going to get oxygen. It's going to go to 324 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,359 Speaker 1: my brain and I'm going to be able to sleep 325 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:57,359 Speaker 1: at night. And I realize now why it feels like 326 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,159 Speaker 1: I have a newborn like I have been feeling as 327 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,960 Speaker 1: depressed as I was in the newborn phase with my 328 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 1: first son during the pandemic, and I've been wondering like, 329 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 1: but I don't have a newborn. They're both sleeping through 330 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 1: the night. This is great, but I'm not sleeping through 331 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 1: the night, and without sleep, there is no path to healing. 332 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,560 Speaker 1: I just I know that now, and I know it 333 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:23,160 Speaker 1: in my bones. It's so deeply frustrating that my depression 334 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,359 Speaker 1: and the weight gain have led me to a place 335 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: that's made things so much worse by robbing me of 336 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,840 Speaker 1: my ability to sleep well. But as my husband was 337 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,439 Speaker 1: telling me last night, there's no it doesn't help to 338 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: beat yourself up for you know, arriving where you've arrived. 339 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 1: It's just like, let's focus on the solution and my 340 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 1: path through the depression. Unfortunately, I have not found the 341 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 1: freaking fast forward button yet. I'm still looking for it. 342 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,560 Speaker 1: But my way through the depression has to be through 343 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:03,199 Speaker 1: focusing on my own health first. So that's starting with 344 00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:10,439 Speaker 1: me getting work, getting better sleep. And the reality is 345 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 1: that freaking insurance companies don't make it very easy to 346 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 1: get the help you need when it comes to sleep apnea. 347 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:23,200 Speaker 1: And I've had some challenges just getting the the CPAP, 348 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:28,760 Speaker 1: just getting the approvals and finding a service that took 349 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 1: my insurance, and even then like getting mailed the wrong equipment. 350 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,360 Speaker 1: That was a big blow last week. I was supposed 351 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 1: to get my I got my I got my shipment, 352 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,440 Speaker 1: I got my box. I'm doing the setup, even though 353 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,080 Speaker 1: they tell you not to and to wait for your 354 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,200 Speaker 1: respiratory therapist appointment. But I was like, I can't wait. 355 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,040 Speaker 1: I need to sleep. I'm so desperate for it. Turns 356 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,200 Speaker 1: out they sent they sent my big old head a 357 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:55,400 Speaker 1: size small. Y'all like, who what? Yes, I did one 358 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,440 Speaker 1: of these virtual It was the closest thing I could get, 359 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:03,679 Speaker 1: was a virtual respiratory therapy like company or whatever. So 360 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,760 Speaker 1: they do a virtual scan of your head. I did it. 361 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:09,640 Speaker 1: I did the virtual scan and somehow with my hair 362 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:13,200 Speaker 1: out by the way, and somehow they were like, oh yeah, 363 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 1: give that girl, she's a skinny girl, give her us 364 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:19,000 Speaker 1: some all. I had the world's hugest head. This isn't 365 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 1: It was comical. So I'm now waiting for the size 366 00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:26,920 Speaker 1: large head size I might need an XCEL. Well I 367 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,080 Speaker 1: don't know if they offer an XCEL. Wait for that 368 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 1: large to arrive, and it could be another week at 369 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:37,440 Speaker 1: this point. So but there's a way, you know, there's 370 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,640 Speaker 1: a there's a there's at least there's something, and I'm 371 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:43,160 Speaker 1: doing it. I think that, And when I say something, 372 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: I mean at least there's a solution, and I've taken 373 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:50,080 Speaker 1: the steps to to get it for myself. And that's 374 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:53,240 Speaker 1: one of the coping like one of those I hate 375 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,640 Speaker 1: to even call it a strategy, but one of the 376 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: ways that I am keeping going through all of this 377 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:04,639 Speaker 1: is trying to just give myself a pat on the 378 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:09,480 Speaker 1: back for getting up out of bed and doing something 379 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:14,320 Speaker 1: that will help me better my health. Hey, ba, fam, 380 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 1: we got to take a quick break, pay some bills, 381 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 1: and we'll be right back. And so that could look 382 00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:23,080 Speaker 1: like getting on the phone and yelling at the respiratory 383 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,640 Speaker 1: therapist people to send me my freakingcy pap. That could 384 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,120 Speaker 1: look like making an appointment with my primary care physician 385 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,440 Speaker 1: to get some lab work done just to make sure 386 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 1: that I don't have any other I don't have, like 387 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:41,399 Speaker 1: hormonal imbalances or issues that could be worsening my depression 388 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,160 Speaker 1: or you know, triggering it in some cases, Like I said, 389 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,280 Speaker 1: I've coped with depression my whole life. I've had blood 390 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,040 Speaker 1: work many times, but still I just want to have 391 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:55,040 Speaker 1: a full picture of my health. And I got the 392 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,359 Speaker 1: pretty much the all clear from my blood work. The 393 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:02,320 Speaker 1: only level now my cholesterol was high a couple of 394 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,280 Speaker 1: years ago. It's coming back down. It's in the healthy 395 00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:08,879 Speaker 1: range now, thank goodness. But the red flag on my 396 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,320 Speaker 1: blood work is that there's a marker for inflammation, and 397 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: my inflammation marker is off the charts high. Now, what's 398 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 1: the biggest cause of inflammation lack of sleep. So it 399 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:25,439 Speaker 1: makes sense it's all tracking and high inflammation. Can I 400 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:29,600 Speaker 1: can get arthritis. I already have had a flare up 401 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 1: of psoriasis, which I've dealt with my whole life too, 402 00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:39,400 Speaker 1: which is tied to inflammation. There's all sorts of reasons why. 403 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 1: There's a reason anti inflammatory diets or a thing. But 404 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,040 Speaker 1: unfortunately I'm not going to be able to fix it 405 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,960 Speaker 1: with the diet. Only I need my sleep. I need 406 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:53,320 Speaker 1: to be sleeping again. Not being said. Another kind of 407 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 1: positive step I'm taking toward just taking care of myself 408 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: and my health is attacking the weight from different angles. 409 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 1: I think I've gained about seventy five pounds since I 410 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: had my son, and my weight has been up and 411 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: down my whole life. I really suffer from the oprah 412 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,680 Speaker 1: syndrome and yeah, I've tried a couple of the GLP 413 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:21,880 Speaker 1: one injection drug, the ozembic, the zet bounds, but my 414 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,160 Speaker 1: insurance doesn't cover enough of it for it to be 415 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: financially viable. Even with my insurance, which covers sixty percent 416 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: of the cost, I'd still be on the hook for 417 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:32,760 Speaker 1: about between four hundred and fifty to five hundred dollars 418 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: a month, and I ain't got it, So I'm not 419 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 1: doing that. But I my primary care physician, who I love, 420 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,160 Speaker 1: referred me to an endo chronology practice as like a 421 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:47,000 Speaker 1: hormone doctor, and it's a weight loss program, medical weight 422 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:51,120 Speaker 1: loss program, intervention. And for the first time, I'm like 423 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,000 Speaker 1: kind of seeing a team of people who are helping me. 424 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:57,239 Speaker 1: So I have the main doctor, the endocrinologist, but I 425 00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 1: also have a dietitian and then his nurse practitioner and 426 00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 1: physician's assistant, and every four to six weeks I'm going 427 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,640 Speaker 1: to see one of them. I've started a couple of 428 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:14,120 Speaker 1: medications that should have the same effect in supporting weight 429 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:18,680 Speaker 1: loss that one of these GLP one type ozembic type 430 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:23,280 Speaker 1: drugs weight loss drugs has. So I mean, I don't 431 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: think y'all need to know what medications I'm taking. But 432 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:29,400 Speaker 1: if you have you want to know, I'm happy to say, 433 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,840 Speaker 1: but one of them is an antidepressant and the other 434 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: one is something that's been used to treat type two 435 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 1: diabetes and can help my body processed sugar glucose and 436 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:46,080 Speaker 1: not store it as fat. But with the nutritionist, she 437 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,320 Speaker 1: and I, I've downloaded a MEIL tracking app and I'm 438 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: going to and I've been paying a lot of attention 439 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:57,560 Speaker 1: to fiber and protein and take any fat person can 440 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 1: tell you the best way to diet. We know it. 441 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 1: Everything about dining, all the different kinds, I've tried them all, 442 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:09,640 Speaker 1: but none of them has obviously has obviously lasted very long. 443 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:14,120 Speaker 1: And I will say the restrictive dining was always my 444 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,320 Speaker 1: go to. But this feels like I'm adding things to 445 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:21,840 Speaker 1: my plate versus things that I'm taking away. And so far, 446 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,800 Speaker 1: so good, So I'll keep you all posted on that. 447 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:29,840 Speaker 1: And movement has been really hard to do. There's days 448 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:35,320 Speaker 1: this weekend. This weekend was truly challenging. I just didn't 449 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,600 Speaker 1: want to get out of bed physically, felt so ill 450 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:42,040 Speaker 1: and so tired, and I just had to let it. 451 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:47,680 Speaker 1: I had to let that deep that challenging time kind 452 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,280 Speaker 1: of go and pass, and finally the clouds parted a 453 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:54,440 Speaker 1: little bit today and I woke up this morning with 454 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:58,320 Speaker 1: a bit of energy and I did a twenty minute 455 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:03,880 Speaker 1: indoor cycle and I did a K Pop demon Hunters 456 00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:07,600 Speaker 1: peloton ride. Yeah, yeah, it was so good. I cried. 457 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:12,640 Speaker 1: I always cry. I always cry during the this is 458 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,520 Speaker 1: what It Sounds Like song, and I resisted the K 459 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 1: Pop demon Hunter fad, but I am so indoctrinated now. 460 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:23,600 Speaker 1: I hope they never released me from the choke hold 461 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 1: that they have on me. It's so good and especially 462 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,959 Speaker 1: for the especially for the time that I'm going through 463 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:35,360 Speaker 1: right now, that movie and the messages in it are 464 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:40,080 Speaker 1: so layered and really honestly helping me. Yeah, an anime 465 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:43,360 Speaker 1: has helped me get through this time and just try 466 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,320 Speaker 1: to be more authentic. Though. I just want to I 467 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,160 Speaker 1: want to say, if you've been listening to this whole episode, 468 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 1: thank you so much. But I really want to talk 469 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:55,080 Speaker 1: to anyone who's listening, who can't, who any of this 470 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:58,560 Speaker 1: feels like it maybe it's a little bit of what 471 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,760 Speaker 1: you're going through, you have gone through, and I just 472 00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:04,560 Speaker 1: want to say that I see you, and I'm so 473 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,480 Speaker 1: proud of you, and I'm proud of me for continuing 474 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:13,280 Speaker 1: to show up and to take steps that can help 475 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: us get out of the darkness. And I'm right on 476 00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:20,960 Speaker 1: this journey with you and I I'm kind of sick 477 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 1: of feeling alone, and maybe we could take our masks 478 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:28,640 Speaker 1: off together and just be authentically who we are. And 479 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:32,120 Speaker 1: at least now, when I show up to this microphone 480 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:35,760 Speaker 1: in whatever state I'm in and with whoever i'm talking to, 481 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:39,239 Speaker 1: I don't have Tiffany here who knows what's going on. 482 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:43,080 Speaker 1: But I've let y'all in and be a fam Now 483 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:46,160 Speaker 1: you know me. Now you know a little bit of 484 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,440 Speaker 1: my own demon that I am battling. And I hope 485 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:53,000 Speaker 1: that you realize that I'm really trusting y'all with a 486 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:57,680 Speaker 1: big piece of me, and I know I can, but 487 00:33:58,480 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 1: I just want you to know I don't I don't 488 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: say any of this lightly, and I only do it 489 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:07,840 Speaker 1: because you've supported me for all these years, and I 490 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: just want to be real with y'all. I just want 491 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,880 Speaker 1: to be honest and still show it up. I'm still 492 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:16,560 Speaker 1: doing the show. I think that's the beauty of taking 493 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:19,000 Speaker 1: off the mask. In this way, I can show y'all 494 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,440 Speaker 1: that with depression there can still be success, there can 495 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:27,759 Speaker 1: still be productivity, but there can still be work getting accomplished, 496 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:33,080 Speaker 1: but also acknowledging that that's not all there is and 497 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 1: that's not what's going to save us in the end. 498 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,960 Speaker 1: I know that just showing up and doing Brown Ambition, 499 00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,720 Speaker 1: clowing my way through the show, getting through my coaching calls, 500 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 1: and that that's not going to heal me, and that 501 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:55,400 Speaker 1: the real work that I'm doing outside of this work 502 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,319 Speaker 1: that I love, is what's going to heal me. And 503 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:02,040 Speaker 1: I'm working on it very dilligently. I'm working on it 504 00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 1: from any angle and I have been for a while. 505 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:08,320 Speaker 1: I really have been for years working on it. Therapy, 506 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:17,320 Speaker 1: group therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, zoloft and antidepressants, 507 00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: even trying to explore the world of THHC and what 508 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:26,040 Speaker 1: if any benefit I can get from that, and just 509 00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:29,840 Speaker 1: there's no stone I have left unturned on this journey. 510 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:34,000 Speaker 1: I'm working so damn hard and if I can be 511 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,680 Speaker 1: a source of comfort or at least to anyone listening 512 00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:41,279 Speaker 1: who has felt alone or has felt like they're too 513 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:44,719 Speaker 1: toxic and that you're not Okay, as you are, you 514 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,759 Speaker 1: know in your current state that you have to wait 515 00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:51,080 Speaker 1: until you're healed before you deserve to show up spaces. 516 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:56,680 Speaker 1: I'm choosing to disbelief that, and I hope that you 517 00:35:56,719 --> 00:36:00,920 Speaker 1: will as well. And at least now what I'm showing 518 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 1: up in spaces whether or not everyone's gonna hear this episode, 519 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 1: but at least now what I'm showing up in space 520 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:13,000 Speaker 1: is I can honor. I can honor my truth, which 521 00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:18,120 Speaker 1: is that I am suffering from depression. And healing is 522 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,719 Speaker 1: not a smooth path. It's not a linear path, and 523 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:23,920 Speaker 1: there's good days of bad days, and good hours and 524 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:29,960 Speaker 1: bad hours. But I'm worthy of trying, and I am 525 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:34,480 Speaker 1: worthy of this healing process, and I want to heal 526 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:42,239 Speaker 1: properly this time. And just thank you for listening. I'll 527 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:46,520 Speaker 1: be sharing more. I plan to do a whole episode 528 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:51,040 Speaker 1: on being depressed as a mom of littles, and I'm 529 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:54,520 Speaker 1: really looking forward to that because it's one of the 530 00:36:55,680 --> 00:37:00,560 Speaker 1: It's one of the weirdest things about being depressed, is 531 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,520 Speaker 1: when you're a mom and you just you can't be. 532 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,760 Speaker 1: You can be, but it's just so I mean, honestly, 533 00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:11,200 Speaker 1: I laugh so I don't cry. But there's some really 534 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:14,879 Speaker 1: funny and joyful moments that have come out of being 535 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:18,560 Speaker 1: a depressed mom, and I just love it so much. Well, 536 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,960 Speaker 1: not being depressed, but I love being a mom, and 537 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:25,239 Speaker 1: I think that that I think that depression in motherhood 538 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,120 Speaker 1: needs to be talked about more and much more past that, 539 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 1: even that postpartum, you know, first trimester kind of time 540 00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:36,839 Speaker 1: when we tend to get some attention for it, but 541 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 1: not so much for the long haul. So you can 542 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:45,480 Speaker 1: look forward to an episode on that. And as always, 543 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: I'm here for y'all and I want to hear from y'all, 544 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:51,360 Speaker 1: so please take the time to leave a review or 545 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,560 Speaker 1: leave a comment. If you're watching on YouTube or you're 546 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,759 Speaker 1: listening on Spotify, you could comment directly on this episode, 547 00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:59,839 Speaker 1: but y'all know you can also find me at Brand 548 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:04,200 Speaker 1: Bishop Podcast on Instagram, Brought a Bishop Podcast at geball 549 00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:08,880 Speaker 1: dot com, and my personal ig is at Vandymuddy. I 550 00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:12,080 Speaker 1: love you, ba fam, and I hope you know that 551 00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 1: I I'm doing this show for y'all and just thank 552 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:28,840 Speaker 1: you thanks for listening, sending all lots of love. Ye okay, 553 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,200 Speaker 1: va fam, thank you so much for listening to this 554 00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:35,239 Speaker 1: week's show. I want to shout out to our production team, Courtney, 555 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:40,280 Speaker 1: our editor, Carla, our fearless leader for idea to launch productions. 556 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:44,120 Speaker 1: I want to shout out my assistant Lauda Escalante and 557 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,560 Speaker 1: Cameron McNair for helping me put the show together. It 558 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:51,200 Speaker 1: is not a one person project, as much as I 559 00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:53,800 Speaker 1: have tried to make it so these past ten years. 560 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,160 Speaker 1: I need help, y'all, and thank goodness I've been able 561 00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,480 Speaker 1: to put this team around me to support me on 562 00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:02,360 Speaker 1: this journey. And to y'all, ba fam, I love you 563 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:06,359 Speaker 1: so so so so much. Please rate, review, subscribe, make 564 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,359 Speaker 1: sure you signed up to the newsletter to get all 565 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:12,720 Speaker 1: the latest updates on upcoming episodes, our ten year anniversary 566 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:16,840 Speaker 1: celebrations to come, and until next time, talk to you 567 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,600 Speaker 1: soon via bye