1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: What is love? 2 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 2: What does it have to do with how you were raised, 3 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:13,040 Speaker 2: or the symmetry of someone's face or the smell of 4 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 2: their underarms. What are we talking about when we talk 5 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:20,079 Speaker 2: about love and why does it change throughout our lives? 6 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,520 Speaker 2: What do we learn from heartbreak? And what does this 7 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:27,040 Speaker 2: have to do with sweaty T shirts or rom coms 8 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:32,520 Speaker 2: or little rodents called prairie voles or the future of love. 9 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 2: Welcome to Inner Cosmos with me David Eagleman. I'm a 10 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 2: neuroscientist and an author at Stanford and in these episodes, 11 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:46,080 Speaker 2: we sail deeply into our three pound universe to understand 12 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 2: why and how our lives look the way they do. 13 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 2: And today's episode, in honor of Valentine's Day, is about 14 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 2: love and neurobiology. What unseen sparks in the skull set 15 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,639 Speaker 2: the heart ablaze whenever that person is nearby. 16 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: Love. 17 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 2: There aren't many words in our language that carry as 18 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,479 Speaker 2: much weight or as much complexity as that one. As 19 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,360 Speaker 2: we know from the pens of the lyric poets and 20 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:23,760 Speaker 2: from our own experiences, love can make us feel invincible, 21 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 2: like we've discovered a secret force that governs the universe. 22 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 2: It can also make us feel weak and desperate and broken. 23 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 2: It can make us do things that seem in hindsight irrational. 24 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:40,080 Speaker 2: Love is one of the main fuels behind the painting 25 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:45,679 Speaker 2: of masterpieces, the writing of poetry, the composition of symphonies. 26 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 2: Love has inspired a large fraction of the stories in 27 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 2: our literature, whether we're talking about Romeo and Juliet or 28 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 2: Pride and Prejudice, or every rom com that follows the 29 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:01,400 Speaker 2: same formula, and somehow we never get tired of it. 30 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 2: And love also drives real, concrete actions. It's the reason 31 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,240 Speaker 2: a mother will throw herself in front of danger to 32 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,120 Speaker 2: protect her child. It's the reason, at least in some cases, 33 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 2: why when thousand ships can be launched for war. Love 34 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 2: is a powerful force in the human story. But the 35 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,919 Speaker 2: question that a biologist might ask is what is love? 36 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,920 Speaker 2: Is it an emotion like anger or sadness? Is it 37 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:34,080 Speaker 2: something deeper? Is it a biological drive like hunger or thirst? 38 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 2: Is it a trick played on us by evolution to 39 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 2: keep us reproducing. So that's what we're going to unpack today. 40 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 2: But here's the starting point. Love is biological. It's a 41 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 2: symphony of neural circuits firing in just the right patterns 42 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,640 Speaker 2: and a well timed dance of neurotransmitters and hormones. So 43 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 2: the first question we're going to ask is, as we 44 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,840 Speaker 2: come to tie the experience of love to biology and 45 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 2: words like limbic system and dopamine and oxytocin, does that 46 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 2: make love less meaningful or does it make it more profound? So, 47 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 2: before we get into the meat of today's episode, I 48 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 2: want to tackle that question head on by reading a 49 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 2: very short story called Blueprints from my book Some we 50 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 2: look forward to finding out answers in the afterlife, where 51 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,919 Speaker 2: in luck. In the afterlife, we are granted the ultimate 52 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:34,960 Speaker 2: gift of revelation, an opportunity to view the underlying code. 53 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 2: At first, we may be shocked to watch ourselves represented 54 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 2: as a giant collection of numbers as we go about 55 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 2: our normal business in the afterlife. In our mind's eye, 56 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 2: we can see the massive landscape of numbers stretching to 57 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 2: site's limit. In all directions. This set of numbers represents 58 00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 2: every aspect of our lives. Across its vast plane, we 59 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 2: spot islands of sevens, jungles of threes, branching rivers of zeros. 60 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,880 Speaker 2: The size and richness are breathtaking as you interact with 61 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 2: a lover, you can see her numbers as well, and 62 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:20,480 Speaker 2: her interactions with yours. She endearingly sticks out her bottom 63 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 2: lip for attention, and your numbers cascade into acrobatics. Digits 64 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 2: flip their values like waterfalls. As a result, your eyes 65 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:34,360 Speaker 2: lock onto hers, and amorous words form on your lips 66 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 2: and travel from your throat. 67 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:37,599 Speaker 1: In air compression waves. 68 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:42,039 Speaker 2: As she processes the words, her numbers flip waves of 69 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,800 Speaker 2: change rippling through her system. She returns your affection as 70 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:50,200 Speaker 2: dictated by the state of her numbers. My goodness, you 71 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:54,599 Speaker 2: realize on your first afternoon here, this is totally deterministic. 72 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:59,599 Speaker 2: Is love simply an operation of the math? After watching 73 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 2: enough code, a new notion of agency and responsibility dawns. 74 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: You watch and understand. 75 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,240 Speaker 2: All the signals that lead to a driver stomping on 76 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 2: her brakes as her numbers are changed by the numbers 77 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:16,360 Speaker 2: of the cat walking in front of the wheels. You 78 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: can even see the code of the fleas that leap 79 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,280 Speaker 2: off when the cat leaps. Whether the cat is struck 80 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 2: or not struck, you now understand, was not in anyone's control. 81 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,360 Speaker 1: It was all in the numbers. 82 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,720 Speaker 2: Married together in a gorgeous inevitability. But we also come 83 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 2: to understand that the network of numbers is so dense 84 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 2: that it transcends simple notions of cause and effect. We 85 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 2: become open to the wisdom of the flow of the patterns. 86 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,880 Speaker 2: If you assume this gift of revelation is received in heaven. 87 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: You're only half right. 88 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 2: It is also the punishment designed for you in hell. 89 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,200 Speaker 2: The rewards originally thought to offer it as a gift, 90 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 2: but the punishers quickly decided they could leverage it as 91 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 2: a kind of affliction, drying up life's pleasures by revealing 92 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 2: their bloodlessly mechanical nature. Now the rewarders and the punishers 93 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,559 Speaker 2: are in a battle to determine which of them gets 94 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 2: more benefit out of this tool. 95 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 1: Will humans appreciate. 96 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,640 Speaker 2: The knowledge or be tortured by it? The next time 97 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 2: you're pursuing a new lover in the afterlife, perhaps sharing 98 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 2: a bottle of wine after what appeared to be a 99 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:32,479 Speaker 2: chance encounter, don't be surprised if both a rewarder and 100 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 2: a punisher sneak up behind you, the reward whispers into 101 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 2: one of your ears. Isn't it wonderful to understand the 102 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 2: code the punisher hisses into your other ear, does understanding 103 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 2: the mechanics of attraction suck all the life out of it? 104 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 2: Such a scene is typical in the afterlife and illustrates 105 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 2: how much both parties have overestimated us. This game always 106 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,279 Speaker 2: ends in disappointment for both sides, who are freshly distraught 107 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 2: to learn that being let into the secrets behind the 108 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 2: scenes has little effect on our experience. The secret codes 109 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,679 Speaker 2: of life, whether presented as a gift or a burden, 110 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 2: go totally unappreciated, and once again the rewarder and the 111 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 2: punisher skulk off, struggling to understand why knowing the code 112 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 2: behind the wine does not diminish its pleasure on your tongue. 113 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:35,080 Speaker 2: Why knowing the inescapability of heartache does not reduce its sting. 114 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 2: Why glimpsing the mechanics of love does not alter its 115 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:46,200 Speaker 2: intoxicating appeal. That was the story Blueprints from my book 116 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,520 Speaker 2: sum and that was my way of arguing that it's 117 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 2: possible for us to deeply study the biological codes that 118 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:57,760 Speaker 2: underlie love, and no amount of knowledge about the biology 119 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:03,360 Speaker 2: the codes will ever touch direct experience of love. In fact, 120 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 2: as science has taught us for centuries, deeper insight generally 121 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:12,120 Speaker 2: only enhances the splendor. You may know the story about 122 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 2: the physicist Richard Feinman. He was talking with an artist 123 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 2: friend of his who held up a flower and said, 124 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 2: look how beautiful this flower is, and Feineman agreed. And 125 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 2: then his friend said, I, as an artist, can see 126 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 2: how beautiful this is, but you, as a scientist, take 127 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 2: this all apart, and it becomes a dull thing. First 128 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 2: of all, Feineman pointed out quote, the beauty that he 129 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 2: sees is available to other people and to me too. 130 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 2: Although I may not be as refined aesthetically as he is, 131 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 2: I can appreciate the beauty of a flower. At the 132 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 2: same time, I see much more about the flower than 133 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 2: he sees. I can imagine the cells in there, the 134 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:56,240 Speaker 2: complicated actions inside, which also have a beauty. I mean, 135 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,079 Speaker 2: it's not just beauty at this dimension at one centimeters, 136 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 2: there's also beauty and smaller dimensions, the inner structure, also 137 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 2: the processes. 138 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: The fact that the. 139 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,600 Speaker 2: Colors in the flower evolved in order to attract insects 140 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 2: to pollinate it is interesting. It means that insects can 141 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 2: see the color. It adds a question. Does this esthetic 142 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 2: sense also exist in the lower forms. Why is it esthetic? 143 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,200 Speaker 2: All kinds of interesting questions which the science knowledge only 144 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,200 Speaker 2: adds to the excitement, the mystery, and the awe of 145 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:32,320 Speaker 2: a flower. It only adds end quote. So with this 146 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 2: in mind, that knowledge only adds to the awe and 147 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 2: beauty we can appreciate, we're going to dive into the 148 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 2: science of love. What happens in the brain when we 149 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,319 Speaker 2: fall in love? Why does attraction feel so intense? What 150 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,839 Speaker 2: does heartbreak have in common with physical pain? And what 151 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 2: makes long term love last? So let's begin inside the brain. 152 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,880 Speaker 2: When we look at the circuitry and chemicals in the brain, 153 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:01,720 Speaker 2: we find that love correlates with particular patterns, they carefully 154 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,679 Speaker 2: balanced mixture of different areas and molecules. So how can 155 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 2: this be studied? Well, I'll give you an example. In 156 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:11,680 Speaker 2: two thousand and five, Helen Fisher and her colleagues published 157 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 2: a new kind of study. They were thinking about how 158 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 2: scientists have long described the things that animals do to 159 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 2: attract mates, but there was almost nothing known about the 160 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 2: brain mechanisms by which the mate becomes attracted. So they 161 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 2: set up a study with brain imaging fMRI, and they 162 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 2: scanned a bunch of college kids who were in the 163 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 2: throes of romantic love. The participants viewed pictures of that 164 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,079 Speaker 2: special someone, and they also looked at pictures of acquaintances, 165 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,160 Speaker 2: and the photos of the people they were romantically involved 166 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:48,680 Speaker 2: with caused the participant's brain to become active in regions 167 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 2: that traffic in dopamine, like the caudate nucleus, which is 168 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:58,000 Speaker 2: associated with reward detection and expectation, and the ventral tegmental area, 169 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 2: which spits out dopamine all over the brain and is 170 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 2: associated with pleasure and focused attention and the motivation to 171 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,720 Speaker 2: pursue and acquire rewards, and is by the way, a 172 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 2: very evolutionarily old circuit. So this is what's thought to 173 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:18,719 Speaker 2: make love euphoric, like cocaine or alcohol. You've certainly heard 174 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 2: of dopamine as a molecule that drives addiction and craving, 175 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 2: whether we're talking about sugar or gambling or social media. 176 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 2: I don't want to oversimplify the story of dopamine, but 177 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 2: presumably this is why new love feels so exhilarating, and 178 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,840 Speaker 2: why time spent with that person feels so rewarding, and 179 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 2: why being away from them feels like withdrawal. Now These 180 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 2: dopamine systems link with other brain areas, for example, the 181 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 2: nucleus ccumbins, the amignala, the hippocampus pre federal cortex, and 182 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 2: these areas all collaborate to keep chasing pleasurable behavior. And 183 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,319 Speaker 2: this is the same circuitry we see getting juiced up 184 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 2: in sex and food and drugs. So when we're falling 185 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 2: in love, chemicals associated with the reward circuits flood our 186 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,640 Speaker 2: brains and this gives us a number of things that 187 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 2: we recognize in love. The faster heart, the sweatier palms, 188 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 2: the flush cheeks, the feelings of passion and anxiety. When 189 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,480 Speaker 2: people talk about love being like a drug, this is 190 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,960 Speaker 2: what they have in common. But dopamine is only part 191 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 2: of this equation. During this initial phase of romantic love, 192 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,959 Speaker 2: you also get more of the stress hormone cortisol, which 193 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 2: essentially tells your body there's a crisis you have to 194 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 2: deal with. And this is presumably why the person of 195 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 2: your attraction can take up so much mental real estate. 196 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 2: This is the object to be attended. And there's more. 197 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 2: During that first swell of passion, there's a neuromodulator slash 198 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 2: hormone called oxytocin that starts playing a big role. This 199 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 2: gets released when we hug, while we cuddle, when we 200 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:05,439 Speaker 2: make eye contact. Oxytocin is released during sex and it's 201 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 2: heightened by skinned skin contact, and it deepens these feelings 202 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 2: of attachment and it makes couples feel closer to one 203 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,840 Speaker 2: another after having sex. And there are lots of other players, 204 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 2: like testosterone in men and women that seems to be 205 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:24,560 Speaker 2: heightened during this initial attraction. It's possibly associated with what 206 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 2: makes desire feel urgent and what intensifies the physical attraction 207 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 2: in early relationships. High testosterone levels correlate with this intense 208 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,199 Speaker 2: attraction and with risk taking behavior. Now we put all 209 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 2: this together, and it gives us a little bit of 210 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 2: insight into the old expression that love is blind. And 211 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 2: that's because romance seems to also tamp down the neural 212 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 2: pathways involved in fear and social judgment. In other words, 213 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 2: when your heart's on fire, smoke gets into the neural 214 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 2: machinery that's normally making critical assessments of the other. 215 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: That's why early. 216 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,600 Speaker 2: Stage love makes us overlooked flaws, why it makes us 217 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 2: idealize our partners, why we sometimes ignore red flags. Okay, 218 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 2: so there are ways to study romantic love in the 219 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 2: brain in terms of the circuitry and chemicals, but you 220 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 2: can study the behavioral aspects as well. Who do we 221 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,480 Speaker 2: find ourselves attracted to and why? And what I've always 222 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,120 Speaker 2: found so wild is the way that our sense of 223 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:46,520 Speaker 2: attraction runs entirely under the hood. There's essentially no conscious 224 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 2: awareness of any of it. You just find yourself attracted 225 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 2: to some people more than others. The first blushes of 226 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 2: love feel like magic, But underneath the poetry, underneath the 227 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 2: longing glances and racing heartbeat, attraction is a neural algorithm. Now, 228 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 2: we generally like to believe that we consciously choose our partners, 229 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 2: but a closer study tells us that our brains are 230 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,240 Speaker 2: making calculations we're not even aware of pulling the strings 231 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:18,239 Speaker 2: behind the scenes. So let's start with something visual. Facial symmetry. 232 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,560 Speaker 2: A number of studies show that people across different cultures 233 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 2: are more attracted to symmetrical faces. 234 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:25,360 Speaker 1: Why. 235 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 2: One hypothesis is that symmetry is a marker of good 236 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 2: genetic health. Through evolution, humans developed an unconscious preference for 237 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 2: partners who show fewer signs of developmental instability. A more 238 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 2: symmetrical face presumably means fewer genetic mutations, better resistance disease, 239 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 2: and higher likelihood to produce healthy offspring. And it's not 240 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,479 Speaker 2: just symmetry. Certain features about other people are universally attractive, 241 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,200 Speaker 2: even across different cultures. Men are drawn to features that 242 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 2: signal fertility. Curvy bar body, high cheek, bones, full lips, 243 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 2: all things that young girls and older women don't have. 244 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 2: Women tend to be attracted to different features, but the 245 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 2: same idea. It's signals of fertility. In the male, things 246 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 2: like strong jawlines or prominent browridges. More rugged features are 247 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,520 Speaker 2: associated with higher testosterone, and its signs that young boys 248 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:25,760 Speaker 2: and old men don't generally have. It indicates fertility. But 249 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:30,560 Speaker 2: attraction isn't only about appearance. It's also about familiarity. People 250 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 2: often end up dating someone who looks just a bit 251 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 2: like them. There's a reason for that. We are wired 252 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 2: to find comfort in the familiar. In some cases, this 253 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,920 Speaker 2: means we unconsciously seek out people who resemble our parents 254 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 2: because their faces are imprinted in our early neural development 255 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 2: as safe and trustworthy. This is called positive assortative mating, 256 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,920 Speaker 2: which just captures the idea that we are often attracted 257 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 2: people who share our own physical or genetic traits. If 258 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,359 Speaker 2: you examine married couples, you'll find that they're more likely 259 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 2: than chance to have similar eye colors, hair textures, levels 260 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,399 Speaker 2: of attractiveness. There are many reasons for this, things like 261 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 2: implicit egotism, and there's individual differences in how much people 262 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 2: want a mate to look like them, But on average 263 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,439 Speaker 2: this is true. So while we think we're making independent 264 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 2: choices in love, our brains are actually navigating us in 265 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,439 Speaker 2: patterns even when we don't recognize them. But attraction is 266 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,200 Speaker 2: about far more than what we see. It also involves 267 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,440 Speaker 2: what we smell. As I talked about in episode eighty nine, humans, 268 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 2: like all our animal cousins, communicate through pheromones, which are 269 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 2: chemical signals that influence social and sexual behaviors. So while 270 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,560 Speaker 2: we have no conscious awareness of them, they play a 271 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,200 Speaker 2: role in determining who we find attractive. So one experiment 272 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,679 Speaker 2: on this was the Sweaty T Shirt Study, which was 273 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,119 Speaker 2: conducted by Klaus Wedekind and his colleague. Women were asked 274 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 2: to smell t shirts worn by different men and rate 275 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 2: which ones smelled the most attractive. The result was that 276 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,680 Speaker 2: the women preferred the scent of men whose immune system 277 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:17,400 Speaker 2: genes what are called their MHC genes, were somewhat different 278 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 2: from their own. In other words, the ladies were attracted 279 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,160 Speaker 2: to the guys who were not genetically similar to them. 280 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,679 Speaker 2: Why does this matter well, Evolutionarily, choosing a partner with 281 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 2: a different immune system means a greater variety of immune 282 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:37,240 Speaker 2: defenses for potential offspring. It's nature's way of preventing inbreeding 283 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:43,719 Speaker 2: and ensuring genetic diversity. Now, interestingly, birth control pills disrupt 284 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 2: this natural process. There were experiments by Craig Roberts and 285 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 2: colleagues that found that women who are on the pill 286 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 2: are more likely to choose partners whose immune profiles are 287 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,480 Speaker 2: similar to their own, and that can be problematic because 288 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 2: when they go off the pill, their attraction to their 289 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,520 Speaker 2: partner can sometimes change. So all this raises a question 290 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 2: to what extent is the attraction we feel out of 291 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 2: our hands. If something as small as a birth control 292 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:16,280 Speaker 2: pill can alter our romantic preferences, what else is shaping 293 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,080 Speaker 2: our choices without us realizing it. While psychologists have long 294 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 2: noticed that attraction isn't just shaped by these immediate biological factors, 295 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:29,359 Speaker 2: it's also shaped by our past. So Researchers talk about 296 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,960 Speaker 2: three primary attachment styles that are formed in early childhood 297 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 2: and this influences how we approach relationships. So first there's 298 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 2: people with secure attachment, where they feel comfortable with intimacy. 299 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 2: They tend to have stable, healthy relationships. But there's also 300 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:52,520 Speaker 2: anxious attachment and people here crave closeness but have a 301 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,880 Speaker 2: major fear of abandonment. They typically need a lot more 302 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:02,120 Speaker 2: reassurance in relationships. And then there's avoidant attachment, and here 303 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 2: people value independence to the point of pushing others away. 304 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 2: They struggle with commitment. So when you see these different types, 305 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 2: you start to see patterns when they combine in couples. 306 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 2: For example, one of the most common and toxic relationship 307 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:22,880 Speaker 2: patterns is called the anxious avoidant trap. This happens when 308 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 2: someone with an anxious attachment who craves closeness falls for 309 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:31,439 Speaker 2: someone with an avoidant attachment who fears closeness, and the 310 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,200 Speaker 2: result is this constant push and pull dynamic, or one 311 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,879 Speaker 2: person chases while the other withdraws. Now, researchers have studied 312 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 2: this kind of thing in brain scanning, and what they 313 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 2: find is that people with secure attachment have more regulated 314 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,680 Speaker 2: activity in their pre federal cortex, which presumably allows them 315 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,719 Speaker 2: to process emotions in a balanced way. But people with 316 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 2: anxious attachment show a lot more activity in regions associated 317 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 2: with fear and threat detection, so their brains are strongly 318 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:06,520 Speaker 2: wired up to detect potential rejection. And it's the same 319 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:10,879 Speaker 2: with people with avoidant attachment styles. They also have cranked 320 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,199 Speaker 2: up threat detection, but in this case it has to 321 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 2: do with being exposed to cues that trigger feelings of closeness, 322 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 2: and they also tend to have less activity in reward 323 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:26,280 Speaker 2: centers for positive social stimuli. So sometimes the paths we 324 00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:30,680 Speaker 2: take aren't about choices in the moment, but patterns set 325 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,639 Speaker 2: down in our brains long before we even enter the 326 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:38,159 Speaker 2: dating world. And attraction isn't just about biological signals and 327 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 2: personality compatibility. 328 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,520 Speaker 1: It's also about novelty. 329 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 2: Remember that the reward systems in the brain are heavily 330 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:49,119 Speaker 2: geared for novelty, for new experiences. This is why early 331 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:54,720 Speaker 2: stage romance feel so intense. It's new and unpredictable and exciting. 332 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 2: The brain gets a lot of dopamine hits when we're 333 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 2: around someone that we're falling, and it reinforces the sense 334 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,880 Speaker 2: of obsession and pleasure, and just consider this in your 335 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,920 Speaker 2: own life. Sometimes, when you start seeing someone new, everything 336 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 2: about them is fascinating, the way they laugh, the stories 337 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 2: they tell, even the way they twitch their nose when 338 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:21,200 Speaker 2: they laugh. Every moment with them feels electric. But over time, 339 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:26,840 Speaker 2: this novelty fades. Your brain adapts. What was once thrilling 340 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 2: becomes familiar, and this is where attraction starts to shift. 341 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,480 Speaker 2: Some people chase that initial high, moving from one relationship 342 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,639 Speaker 2: to the next in search of that early stage rush. 343 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:43,440 Speaker 2: Others transition into long term love. But this raises a 344 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:47,760 Speaker 2: question can love last forever? We often think about love 345 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,600 Speaker 2: is something that fades over time. The passion cools, the 346 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:55,640 Speaker 2: excitement diminishes, and eventually that person who once made your 347 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 2: heart race becomes just another part of your daily routine. 348 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:03,400 Speaker 2: But is that inevitable? Does love have a neural expiration date? 349 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,680 Speaker 2: Some people argue that monogamy is not natural. After all, 350 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,440 Speaker 2: as we just said, your reward systems thrive on novelty, 351 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 2: and there are arguments that humans evolved for serial pair bonding, 352 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,639 Speaker 2: meaning we're wired to stay with a partner for a 353 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,680 Speaker 2: certain number of years, often just long enough to raise 354 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 2: young children before moving on, and there's some evidence for this. 355 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 2: In many cultures, divorce rates spike around the four year mark, 356 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 2: so that leads some researchers to suggest that romantic love 357 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,000 Speaker 2: does have a built in expiration date. The brain is 358 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:43,119 Speaker 2: wired for change, and that long term monogamy requires conscious 359 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:47,040 Speaker 2: effort rather than biological instinct. And indeed, it's inevitable that 360 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,320 Speaker 2: there's a change in neural activity over time because the 361 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:54,800 Speaker 2: high energy drug addiction of early romance can't keep going forever. 362 00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:59,080 Speaker 2: But that doesn't mean the spark of passion has to 363 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:03,119 Speaker 2: get extinguished. There was a study in twenty eleven and 364 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 2: they performed brain imaging on couples that had been married 365 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,200 Speaker 2: an average of over two decades. So they showed them 366 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,639 Speaker 2: their partner's face, and they also showed control images of 367 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,600 Speaker 2: other faces, like a friend or someone they didn't know well. 368 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,040 Speaker 2: And what they found in response to the loved one 369 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,640 Speaker 2: was the same kind of reward related activity as new 370 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,040 Speaker 2: lovers had, for example in the ventral tegmental area and 371 00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:32,760 Speaker 2: dorsal stratum. In other words, the reward systems involved in 372 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:38,119 Speaker 2: romantic love can stay sparking along for decades. And what 373 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 2: they found in the study was that Several other areas 374 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 2: were active, depending on the kind of relationship the people 375 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,920 Speaker 2: had developed. Some people had a more friendship based love, 376 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:51,000 Speaker 2: and these folks they saw more activity in the same 377 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 2: kinds of regions we see in maternal. 378 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: Attachment, like the globis palladus. 379 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,520 Speaker 2: Other brain areas correlated with the couple's frequency of having sex, 380 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,880 Speaker 2: like the hypothalamus and posterior hippocampus. The activity of other 381 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 2: areas correlated with obsession, like the caud eight. Other areas 382 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 2: correlated with the degree of romantic love and the inclusion 383 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,119 Speaker 2: of the other in the self areas like the ventral 384 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,479 Speaker 2: tegmental area. Anyway, don't worry about the details, but the 385 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:25,000 Speaker 2: encouraging thing this demonstrates is that the excitement, the reward 386 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,960 Speaker 2: of romance can stick around. Maybe it mellows a bit, 387 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,720 Speaker 2: but the key is that it's accompanied by more rational 388 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:36,119 Speaker 2: cognition rather than the emotional roller coaster. In other words, 389 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,600 Speaker 2: reward centers are still cranking along as loving relationships proceed, 390 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 2: but the relentless itch of desire subsides. Your cortisol and 391 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:51,040 Speaker 2: other stress hormones gradually return to equilibrium. You get the 392 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:55,840 Speaker 2: closeness without the overwhelm As a result of these brain changes, 393 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 2: the connection with your partner deepens into something less obsessive 394 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:04,160 Speaker 2: in consuming, into something where your partner becomes deeply ingrained 395 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,880 Speaker 2: into your internal model. They work their way into your 396 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:12,639 Speaker 2: neural circuitry. They literally become a part of you. In 397 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:16,480 Speaker 2: this way, there's a drift from passionate love into what's 398 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:22,960 Speaker 2: called compassionate love. Euphoria is slowly replaced with depth. And 399 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 2: let's return to the neuromodulators. Oxytocin isn't just involved in 400 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:31,240 Speaker 2: the early throes of romantic love. It also helps transform 401 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:38,480 Speaker 2: attraction into attachment. I mentioned oxytocin earlier as a cuddle hormone, 402 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,840 Speaker 2: but it's also known as a bonding hormone. It gives 403 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:46,560 Speaker 2: feelings of contentment and calmness and security, all of which 404 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 2: are elements of mate bonding. By the way, you also 405 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 2: find oxytocin underlying the bonds between parents and children, or 406 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:58,359 Speaker 2: between close friends, or between humans and their pets. And 407 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:02,240 Speaker 2: it's not just oxytocin. There's another other hormone called vasopressin 408 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 2: that plays a key role in commitment and loyalty. I'll 409 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,200 Speaker 2: take a second here to tell you about prairie voles, 410 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,320 Speaker 2: which are these very cute mouselike rodents. And the thing 411 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 2: about prairie voles is that one of the few monogamous 412 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 2: species in the animal kingdom. They pick a partner and 413 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:23,199 Speaker 2: they stick together. Now, not surprisingly, there's some individual differences 414 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,080 Speaker 2: among these voles, and it turns out that voles with 415 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:30,359 Speaker 2: higher vasopressin levels are more likely to stay with their 416 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:35,080 Speaker 2: partners for life. But if you block vasopressin receptors in 417 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:40,040 Speaker 2: these voles, they lose interest and start behaving like polygamists. 418 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,960 Speaker 2: And it's generally thought that vasopressin works this same way 419 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:49,320 Speaker 2: in humans. So long term love is not just about emotion, 420 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 2: it's about chemistry. In the dark of the skull, the obsessive, 421 00:27:54,880 --> 00:28:00,520 Speaker 2: dopamine driven intensity of early love can transform into something deeper. 422 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,600 Speaker 2: In other words, while early stage romance is driven by 423 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:08,160 Speaker 2: novelty and excitement, long term love is governed by a 424 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 2: slightly different set of neural circuits, ones that promote attachment 425 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:18,160 Speaker 2: and stability. So while passion might naturally fade, deep emotional 426 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:22,480 Speaker 2: attachment can last a lifetime if the right conditions are met. 427 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 2: So while a lot of relationships fail, long term love 428 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,639 Speaker 2: is possible and here's what we want to consider on 429 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:34,080 Speaker 2: Valentine's Day. What do successful long term couples do differently. 430 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,919 Speaker 2: The research shows that it boils down to five things. First, 431 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:43,600 Speaker 2: successful couples keep novelty alive. As we saw, dopamine correlates 432 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,360 Speaker 2: with novelty, which is why new relationships feel so exciting. 433 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 2: But over time, the brain adapts, so the challenge is 434 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:56,400 Speaker 2: to introduce new experiences into the relationship. Traveling, learning new skills, 435 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,880 Speaker 2: trying a new restaurant. These sorts of things can juice 436 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 2: up the brain's reward pathways, So while the brain naturally 437 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 2: adapts to familiarity, novelty can bring back some of that magic. Second, 438 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:15,240 Speaker 2: couples maintain physical touch, which triggers oxytocin. Couples who continue 439 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:20,240 Speaker 2: to hug and kiss and cuddle maintain stronger bonds. Third, 440 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 2: they figure out how to reframe conflict. There's no relationship 441 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 2: that's free from conflict, but how couples handle it determines 442 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:33,720 Speaker 2: whether their love survives. Research from John and Julie Gatman 443 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,320 Speaker 2: suggests that the key to long term success is the 444 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:41,760 Speaker 2: ratio of positive to negative interactions. So couples who maintain 445 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:46,240 Speaker 2: at least a five to one ratio of positive interactions 446 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,719 Speaker 2: to negative ones are more likely to stay together. In 447 00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:53,200 Speaker 2: other words, it's not about avoiding conflict, which is impossible. 448 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 2: It's about balancing negativity with emotional repair. Fourth, it's important 449 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,320 Speaker 2: to cultivate gratitude. One of the simplest ways to sustain 450 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:09,480 Speaker 2: love is by expressing appreciation. Couples who actively express gratitude 451 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 2: towards each other have increased activity in the brain's reward system. Finally, 452 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 2: good couples grow together, and this may be the biggest 453 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:21,600 Speaker 2: factor in long term love is shared growth. Couples who 454 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:25,640 Speaker 2: support each other's personal development are more likely to stay together, 455 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 2: whether that's pursuing career goals, or learning new things, or 456 00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 2: evolving emotionally. Again, the brain thrives on change, and relationships 457 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:39,280 Speaker 2: that allow for mutual growth tend to be the ones 458 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:40,040 Speaker 2: that last. 459 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,080 Speaker 1: So what does all this tell us? 460 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 2: That long term love is not just about finding a 461 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,960 Speaker 2: compatible person. It's also about habits and effort and commitment. 462 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:52,480 Speaker 2: Love isn't just something that happens to us, It's something 463 00:30:52,560 --> 00:31:12,440 Speaker 2: we build. So let's zoom out and take stock. Attraction 464 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,640 Speaker 2: isn't random, and it's not fully captured by the pens 465 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,920 Speaker 2: of the romantic poets. It's biological, it's chemical, it's psychological. 466 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:24,160 Speaker 2: Our brains push us towards partners based on factors we 467 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 2: typically can't consciously recognize, factors from symmetry to pheromones, to 468 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,200 Speaker 2: immune system differences to childhood attachment patterns. And it's a 469 00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 2: very real feeling. And part of the way we can 470 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,480 Speaker 2: appreciate the reality of it is by looking at how 471 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 2: and why it is so deeply painful to the brain 472 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,200 Speaker 2: to lose love. Okay, so we've seen so far that 473 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:52,160 Speaker 2: falling in love can be exhilarating, coming with a neurochemistry 474 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:56,320 Speaker 2: cocktail that makes us feel euphoric and obsessed and connected. 475 00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 2: But what happens when that love is taken away? What 476 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,120 Speaker 2: happens when the person who once felt like the center 477 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 2: of our universe suddenly disappears. So in twenty eleven, a 478 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 2: team at the University of Michigan did a study that 479 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:16,880 Speaker 2: helps explain the neuroscience of heartbreak. They placed heartbroken participants 480 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,880 Speaker 2: people who had gone through a breakup inside an fMRI 481 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 2: scanner and showed them pictures of their exes, and when 482 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:29,560 Speaker 2: people looked at photos of their lost love, the same 483 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:34,640 Speaker 2: brain regions that process physical pain lit up, for example, 484 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 2: the anterior singulate cortex and the insulin. So heartbreak isn't 485 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,320 Speaker 2: just something you imagine you're going through. It is physical. 486 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:46,960 Speaker 2: Your brain register's romantic rejection like an injury. That's why 487 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 2: heartbreak isn't something you can just shake off and ignore it. 488 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:53,960 Speaker 2: It's a real biological issue going on now. I argued 489 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,480 Speaker 2: in my book Live Wire that this is because we 490 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 2: form an internal model of the person that we're with, 491 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:03,920 Speaker 2: and your brain expects that person to be there, and 492 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:07,240 Speaker 2: when that person is no longer there. It is like 493 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,880 Speaker 2: drug withdrawal. If you use a drug, your brain expresses 494 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,800 Speaker 2: more receptors for that chemical, and then it finds itself 495 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 2: in a bad situation when the drug is no longer present, 496 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 2: when its expectations go unmet. If you're interested in more 497 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:27,360 Speaker 2: about this equivalence, check out episode twenty four of Inner Cosmos, 498 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:31,760 Speaker 2: which is called what does drug withdrawal have in common 499 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:36,960 Speaker 2: with heartbreak? Anyway? This is why heartbreak feels so consuming. 500 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:40,280 Speaker 2: This is why people who go through a breakup often 501 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:45,360 Speaker 2: find themselves obsessing over their ex or replaying conversations in 502 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:49,520 Speaker 2: their mind, or scrolling through old texts, or feeling physically 503 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,680 Speaker 2: unable to focus on anything else. They've been thrown into 504 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:57,640 Speaker 2: a state of deprivation. Their brain is craving the relationship 505 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,360 Speaker 2: that they've lost, just like craving a drug that's been 506 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 2: taken away. In heartbreak, as in drug addiction, people have 507 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:11,360 Speaker 2: similar responses insomnia, loss of appetite, obsessive thoughts, mood swings, 508 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:16,200 Speaker 2: sometimes physical pain like tightness in the chest. Essentially, your 509 00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 2: nervous system is in panic mode. It's screaming, where is 510 00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:23,359 Speaker 2: that thing I expected? Bring it back. This is why 511 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:26,480 Speaker 2: people can struggle to let go of an ax even 512 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:29,840 Speaker 2: when they know the relationship was bad. Their rational brain 513 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,240 Speaker 2: may understand that the relationship is over, but their brain's 514 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:37,160 Speaker 2: emotional core, like the limbic system, hasn't yet caught up. 515 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,320 Speaker 2: This is particularly true for people who were deeply in love. 516 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:46,239 Speaker 2: Helen Fisher's research showed that the deeper the romantic attachment, 517 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:50,600 Speaker 2: the stronger the withdrawal symptoms. Some people even experience broken 518 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:54,200 Speaker 2: heart syndrome, which is a real medical condition. It's technically 519 00:34:54,200 --> 00:35:01,200 Speaker 2: called taco subo cardiomyopathy, where intense emotional distress temporarily weakens 520 00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:05,040 Speaker 2: the heart muscle, which mimics the symptoms of a heart attack. 521 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:10,279 Speaker 2: So heartbreak can almost literally break your heart. Now, the 522 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:15,160 Speaker 2: good news is that, because of plasticity, the brain has resilience. 523 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,840 Speaker 2: Over time, the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in logic 524 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,800 Speaker 2: and self regulation, begins to gain control again. It begins 525 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:28,120 Speaker 2: to reframe the loss, helping you make sense of what happened. 526 00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:31,960 Speaker 2: If you've recently suffered a breakup this Valentine's Day, I'll 527 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:35,200 Speaker 2: just remind you that the things that help our exercise 528 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:40,400 Speaker 2: and social connection and novel experiences to replace old associations 529 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 2: over time, as you get over an x, new pathways form. 530 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:48,560 Speaker 2: This means that one day thoughts of your ex won't 531 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,799 Speaker 2: trigger pain anymore. Instead, they'll feel more distant, like an 532 00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:56,840 Speaker 2: old memory. As painful as heartbreak is, the thing we 533 00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,239 Speaker 2: might keep in mind about it is that it is 534 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 2: proof that love existed in the first place. The fact 535 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:07,400 Speaker 2: that the brain is capable of experiencing this kind of 536 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:11,800 Speaker 2: pain is a testament to how profoundly it is wired 537 00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:14,880 Speaker 2: for a connection. Okay, so what we've been talking about 538 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:18,080 Speaker 2: in this episode is love, and now that you're imagining 539 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,120 Speaker 2: sitting on a beautiful mountaintop, gazing at the long road 540 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:22,319 Speaker 2: ahead with your loved one. 541 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:23,799 Speaker 1: Let's look at what. 542 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:27,920 Speaker 2: The future has in store for us. Will love always 543 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:30,279 Speaker 2: look like it does now? Or are we going to 544 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:35,000 Speaker 2: develop ways to engineer and tame it. Could we manipulate 545 00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:39,760 Speaker 2: the brain's chemistry to create or erase love at will? 546 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,319 Speaker 2: So now we're going to look at what happens when 547 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:47,600 Speaker 2: neuroscience collides with our technology. Love is generally something we've 548 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:52,640 Speaker 2: accepted as organic, unpredictable, deeply human. We see people fall 549 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:56,400 Speaker 2: for the wrong person, people stay in toxic relationships, people 550 00:36:56,719 --> 00:36:59,919 Speaker 2: find themselves hopelessly drawn to someone who doesn't love them back. 551 00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 2: Love is messy, but what if it didn't have to be? 552 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:07,960 Speaker 2: As we continue to unravel the neuroscience of love, we're 553 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:14,000 Speaker 2: faced with a fascinating and unsettling possibility. Could we manipulate love, 554 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:17,439 Speaker 2: could we create it, could we enhance it? Or could 555 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:22,680 Speaker 2: we even erase it entirely? If love is just neurochemistry 556 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:25,920 Speaker 2: in circuits, then in theory, we should be able to 557 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:29,560 Speaker 2: hack it, And the truth is we are already doing that. 558 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,239 Speaker 2: Scientists have long been studying drugs that enhance attachment and 559 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:38,680 Speaker 2: romantic bonding. The most promising one is oxytocin, which I 560 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,360 Speaker 2: mentioned earlier as. 561 00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:41,640 Speaker 1: A bonding hormone. 562 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:45,719 Speaker 2: This is already available in nasal spray form, and when 563 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:49,960 Speaker 2: you inhale it, it increases trust and emotional connection and 564 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:54,960 Speaker 2: pro social behavior. And some studies suggest that oxytocin sprays 565 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 2: could be used as a tool to strengthen relationships, especially 566 00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 2: in couples who are struggling with intimacy or emotional distance. So, 567 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:09,480 Speaker 2: in one study, men in relationships had oxytocins squirted up 568 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:13,319 Speaker 2: their noses, and they became closer to their partner and 569 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 2: less interested in attractive strangers. They kept a greater physical 570 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,960 Speaker 2: distance from the strangers. In other words, a simple squirt 571 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:25,799 Speaker 2: of oxytocin up the nose strengthened their commitment to their 572 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:30,239 Speaker 2: partner and made them less interested in others. Now, imagine 573 00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:34,400 Speaker 2: a world where oxytocin therapy is a routine part of 574 00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:38,440 Speaker 2: couples counseling. Could we use brain chemistry to keep love 575 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:44,320 Speaker 2: alive in struggling marriages, Could we artificially restore the feelings 576 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:48,040 Speaker 2: of early romance in long term relationships? And if we can, 577 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:52,440 Speaker 2: should we? Because while the idea of a love drug 578 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:57,120 Speaker 2: might sound promising, it also raises ethical questions. If love 579 00:38:57,200 --> 00:39:01,839 Speaker 2: can be chemically induced. Is it's real If we use 580 00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:04,600 Speaker 2: a drug to feel connected to our partner, are we 581 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:12,120 Speaker 2: experiencing genuine emotion or just a biological illusion? And then 582 00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:15,560 Speaker 2: there's the opposite question, what if we didn't want to 583 00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:18,960 Speaker 2: love as much? Is there a science to suppressing love? 584 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:23,920 Speaker 2: Anyone who has suffered from heartbreak knows the unbearable ache 585 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:28,000 Speaker 2: of longing for someone who has gone the sleepless nights, 586 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:31,880 Speaker 2: the obsessive thoughts, the emotional pain that lingers for weeks. 587 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,839 Speaker 2: Wouldn't it just be easier if you could turn it off? Well, 588 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:41,719 Speaker 2: some scientists have been exploring the possibility of erasing romantic attachment, 589 00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:46,480 Speaker 2: of altering brain chemistry to dull or even eliminate the 590 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,759 Speaker 2: pain of lost love, and it turns out this might 591 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:54,960 Speaker 2: be possible. In twenty ten, researchers we're looking at beta blockers, 592 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,360 Speaker 2: which is the type of drug used for high blood 593 00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,760 Speaker 2: pressure and chest pain and irregular heartbeat, and they discover 594 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:06,560 Speaker 2: that beta blockers can also interfere with emotional memory formation. 595 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,440 Speaker 2: In other words, if you give beta blockers to someone 596 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:15,960 Speaker 2: right after a traumatic event, that weakens the emotional intensity 597 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:19,080 Speaker 2: of that memory. So some people argue this could be 598 00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:24,200 Speaker 2: used to soften the pain of a heartbreak. Imagine taking 599 00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:27,480 Speaker 2: a pill after a breakup and it reduces your brain's 600 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:32,360 Speaker 2: ability to attach strong emotions to memories of your ex. 601 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 2: The memories would still be there, but the pain associated 602 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:39,640 Speaker 2: with them would be less and would fade faster. Okay, 603 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,120 Speaker 2: so this is one approach to using pharmaceuticals to change 604 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:45,520 Speaker 2: our experience with love. But what if we took this 605 00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,600 Speaker 2: even further? In animal studies, it turns out that blocking 606 00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:54,480 Speaker 2: certain proteins in the brain can erase emotional memories entirely, 607 00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,560 Speaker 2: and that's led to a speculation. Could we develop a 608 00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:01,759 Speaker 2: drug that erases love. Imagine a future where you walk 609 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:04,719 Speaker 2: into a clinic and you have all memories of an 610 00:41:04,719 --> 00:41:09,400 Speaker 2: ex emotionally neutralized. Would you do it? And if we 611 00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:12,440 Speaker 2: had the ability to erase love, what would that do 612 00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:17,319 Speaker 2: to us? Would we fall in love more recklessly knowing 613 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:21,440 Speaker 2: that we could erase the pain later, would relationships become 614 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:26,319 Speaker 2: more disposable? Or would we lose something profoundly human the 615 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:30,360 Speaker 2: ability to grow from heartbreak, to learn from our emotional wounds. 616 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 2: It's worth noting that heartbreak, as painful as it is, 617 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,279 Speaker 2: is a part of our story that makes us who 618 00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:41,719 Speaker 2: we are. It shapes our future preferences and our boundaries 619 00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:45,000 Speaker 2: and our understanding of what we need in a partner. 620 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:50,080 Speaker 2: If we erased love, would we lose all the wisdom? 621 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:53,400 Speaker 2: And there's one more issue about the future of love, 622 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:56,480 Speaker 2: and that has to do with the impact of artificial 623 00:41:56,560 --> 00:42:01,520 Speaker 2: intelligence on relationships. Would you actually fall in love with 624 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:05,200 Speaker 2: a machine one that listens to everything you say and 625 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,960 Speaker 2: has a perfect memory and never gets angry, and never 626 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:13,560 Speaker 2: stops paying attention and always has a lovely and engaged 627 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,520 Speaker 2: response to everything that you say. We currently understand love 628 00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:21,080 Speaker 2: as a human to human experience, but in the age 629 00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:25,200 Speaker 2: of artificial intelligence, I think it's possible this might change. 630 00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:28,680 Speaker 2: AI and virtual companions these are on the rise, so 631 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:33,359 Speaker 2: consider apps like Replica, which give you a virtual companion 632 00:42:33,719 --> 00:42:35,480 Speaker 2: that you can talk with anytime, in the middle of 633 00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:39,320 Speaker 2: the night or whenever you're feeling lonely. Hundreds of thousands 634 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:43,920 Speaker 2: of people are making emotional bonds with digital entities, and 635 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:47,520 Speaker 2: it's no surprise that some fraction of these users have 636 00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:53,239 Speaker 2: reported falling in love with their AI companions. From a 637 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:58,239 Speaker 2: neuroscience perspective, this of course makes sense. Love is at 638 00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:03,080 Speaker 2: its core about connection and emotional responsiveness, and if an 639 00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:07,320 Speaker 2: AI can mimic human behavior well enough, if it can 640 00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:12,279 Speaker 2: listen and respond with empathy and engage in meaningful conversation, 641 00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:17,800 Speaker 2: our brains might not make a meaningful distinction. I'm reminded 642 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:21,080 Speaker 2: of the scene from the first episode of Westworld where 643 00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:24,040 Speaker 2: the young William is talking to the woman who's outfitting 644 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,439 Speaker 2: him for his adventure, and she's giving him a hat 645 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:28,800 Speaker 2: and a gun and so on, and he's not quite 646 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:32,279 Speaker 2: sure if she's a human or a robot, so he 647 00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:35,080 Speaker 2: hesitantly asks. He says, I hope you don't mind if 648 00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:38,560 Speaker 2: I ask you this question, But are you real? And 649 00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:42,480 Speaker 2: she says to him, if you can't tell, does it matter? 650 00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:45,880 Speaker 2: And I think this is going to increasingly be a 651 00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:51,000 Speaker 2: key question for us with AI relationships. In Japan, apparently 652 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:55,960 Speaker 2: there are already virtual spouses AI partners that lonely individuals 653 00:43:56,040 --> 00:44:01,839 Speaker 2: interact with daily. People hold ceremonies to marry their AI companions, 654 00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,400 Speaker 2: and some claim to feel a deeper emotional fulfillment from 655 00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:09,000 Speaker 2: AI than they ever did with human partners. Could AI 656 00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:13,280 Speaker 2: partners be the answer for people who struggle with social 657 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:18,280 Speaker 2: connection or anxiety or past trauma, or would a world 658 00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:23,760 Speaker 2: filled with AI companions erode human intimacy, making real relationships 659 00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:27,239 Speaker 2: feel too difficult in comparison. If you're interested in this, 660 00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:30,160 Speaker 2: please listen to my episode thirty nine to hear a 661 00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:33,400 Speaker 2: much fuller argument on the pros and cons. But for now, 662 00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:38,120 Speaker 2: I'll just pose some questions about love and the future 663 00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,840 Speaker 2: of our technology, because with the advancements that we're in 664 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,719 Speaker 2: the middle of right now, we're definitely going to be 665 00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:49,440 Speaker 2: confronting these. If we could enhance love, should we? If 666 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:54,919 Speaker 2: we could erase love, should we? If AI can simulate love, 667 00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,839 Speaker 2: is it real? I think there aren't necessarily easy answers here. 668 00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:03,600 Speaker 2: On the one hand, technology could help people struggling with 669 00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:07,720 Speaker 2: loneliness or heartbreak or commitment issues. Imagine a world where 670 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:13,200 Speaker 2: struggling couples could rekindle their passion with neurochemical therapy, Where 671 00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:17,760 Speaker 2: people suffering from unbearable grief over lost love could ease 672 00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:21,120 Speaker 2: their pain with a pill. Where those who fear rejection 673 00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:26,440 Speaker 2: or who have social anxiety could experience deep, fulfilling companionship 674 00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:31,719 Speaker 2: through artificial intelligence. On the other hand, there's something unsettling 675 00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:35,760 Speaker 2: about the idea of manipulating love. Would we lose something 676 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,200 Speaker 2: essential and what do we conclude when love is no 677 00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:43,160 Speaker 2: longer something that happens to us, but something we can 678 00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:47,279 Speaker 2: turn on and off at will, would we still cherish it? 679 00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:51,760 Speaker 2: So to wrap today's episode, today we explore the neuroscience 680 00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:55,400 Speaker 2: of love, how attraction and romance and long term bonds 681 00:45:55,719 --> 00:46:02,200 Speaker 2: emerge from neural circuits and chemical cocktails. Explored evolutionary factors 682 00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:05,960 Speaker 2: in what we find attractive, as well as why heartbreak 683 00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:11,520 Speaker 2: feels like physical pain and how attachment styles influence our relationships. 684 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:14,960 Speaker 2: And finally, we looked ahead to the future. Could we 685 00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:18,759 Speaker 2: enhance love or erase it or even fall in love 686 00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:19,440 Speaker 2: with ai? 687 00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:20,799 Speaker 1: Now? 688 00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:24,880 Speaker 2: Why do scientists care about love? Because love is one 689 00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:27,960 Speaker 2: of the most profound experiences we have in our lives, 690 00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:33,640 Speaker 2: especially because we're an unusually social species. Love shapes our 691 00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:38,920 Speaker 2: lives and our identities and our sensive meaning, from short 692 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:42,800 Speaker 2: term obsession to long term bonding. Our experience of love 693 00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:46,040 Speaker 2: is one of the most deeply valued experiences we ever have. 694 00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:51,319 Speaker 2: For millennia, we viewed love as something spiritual and mysterious, 695 00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:55,080 Speaker 2: but as neuroscience advances, we're framing the experience as a 696 00:46:55,120 --> 00:47:00,600 Speaker 2: biological process governed by circuits and chemistry and evolution and 697 00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:03,920 Speaker 2: that leads us with the major question that I began with. 698 00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:07,800 Speaker 2: As science unlocks the mechanics of love, does it become 699 00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:12,160 Speaker 2: less magical or even more profound? So I want to 700 00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:14,719 Speaker 2: return to the short story Blueprints that I read at 701 00:47:14,719 --> 00:47:18,040 Speaker 2: the beginning. What I find so amazing in science is 702 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,879 Speaker 2: that it's possible for us to study the neural mechanisms 703 00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:27,160 Speaker 2: of love, and that no amount of knowledge diminishes our 704 00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:30,920 Speaker 2: experience of it. In fact, it will only enhance our 705 00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:34,960 Speaker 2: ability to appreciate it and perhaps understand what's happening well 706 00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:39,799 Speaker 2: enough to optimally navigate through its choppy waters. Love is 707 00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:42,880 Speaker 2: written in the language of biology, but that makes it 708 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:47,720 Speaker 2: no less wondrous. If anything, the neural symphony behind love 709 00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:52,799 Speaker 2: deepens the awe because even with all our scientific insights, 710 00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:58,640 Speaker 2: love still shapes us. It surprises us, it drives our 711 00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:01,879 Speaker 2: best life stories. And as we stand at the edge 712 00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:07,200 Speaker 2: of new technology neural interventions, AI, companionship, love enhancing drugs, 713 00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:10,319 Speaker 2: the question isn't just what love is, but what we 714 00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:13,560 Speaker 2: might want it to be. Will we engineer love or 715 00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:17,160 Speaker 2: let it remain unpredictable. The only thing that remains certain 716 00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:20,600 Speaker 2: is that love, in all of its forms, will continue 717 00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:25,759 Speaker 2: to be a defining force in our lives. Happy Valentine's Day. 718 00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:30,280 Speaker 2: This episode is dedicated to the memory of Helen Fisher, 719 00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:35,000 Speaker 2: a colleague and friend and biological anthropologist who dedicated her 720 00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:39,160 Speaker 2: life to studying love and to helping millions of others 721 00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:45,920 Speaker 2: discover it and understand it. Go to Eagleman dot com 722 00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:49,480 Speaker 2: slash podcast for more information and to find further reading. 723 00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:53,120 Speaker 2: Send me an email at podcasts at egleman dot com 724 00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:56,239 Speaker 2: with questions or discussion, and check out and subscribe to 725 00:48:56,239 --> 00:48:59,759 Speaker 2: Inner Cosmos on YouTube for videos of each episode and 726 00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:04,520 Speaker 2: to leave comments. Until next time. I'm David Eagleman and 727 00:49:04,560 --> 00:49:06,160 Speaker 2: this is in our Cosmos.