Speaker 1: To see me who would go to jail, get arrested,
Speaker 1: get into fights, steal stuff, break stuff, trespass, overdose.
Speaker 2: One hundred times, just a mess.
Speaker 1: And then to see me be successful, and I'd probably
Speaker 1: hate me too, should we get Fox is known for
Speaker 1: many things, a fashion designer, actress, author do you Know
Speaker 1: from films such as Uncut, Gems and No Sudden News,
Speaker 1: as well as the host of OMG Fashion on E
Speaker 1: Juliet Fox.
Speaker 3: What's a childed experience that you feel left a defining
Speaker 3: monk on your life?
Speaker 1: My parents always fighting, like horrible, horrible fights. I would
Speaker 1: just like go into the bathroom and I would just
Speaker 1: turn on the hair dryer and I just lay on
Speaker 1: the floor for like six hours.
Speaker 3: At seventeen, you decided to become a sex work and.
Speaker 1: I could really disassociate and detach. I think that's why
Speaker 1: it was so easy for me to enter an industry
Speaker 1: like that. And I actually found the whole experience really empowering.
Speaker 1: For the first time in my life, I actually kind
Speaker 1: of gained some self worth.
Speaker 3: Where did you get addicted to heroin in that journey?
Speaker 1: But it's akin to like what being in your mother's
Speaker 1: womb would feel like. Heroin kind of became a replacement Mommy.
Speaker 3: Did you say in the book that motherhood saved you?
Speaker 1: If there's one thing I'm determined to do is to
Speaker 1: not give him a childhood.
Speaker 3: What was that journey for you to actually get clean?
Speaker 1: I had to do all that messy stuff and be
Speaker 1: that girl to end up in this chair today.
Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 4: Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty, See Only She.
Speaker 3: I'm so excited to finally share the live interviews from
Speaker 3: my very first podcast tour, presented by Chase Sapphire Reserve.
Speaker 3: The first episode features an unforgettable conversation with none other
Speaker 3: than Julia Fox, recorded live at the Iconic Theater at
Speaker 3: Madison Square Garden in New York City, Special thanks to
Speaker 3: MSG Entertainment and the Theater at Madison Square Garden. I
Speaker 3: want to start by saying this, me and Julie, we're
Speaker 3: talking about this on the way down from the green room.
Speaker 3: We're talking about how you wouldn't expect to see me
Speaker 3: and Julia on the same stage together, and we're from
Speaker 3: very different worlds, very different backgrounds. But over the last
Speaker 3: few days I've been listening to her audiobook down the Drain,
Speaker 3: her book, her memoir. I listened to it, and I
Speaker 3: can honestly say that her story was so powerful, it
Speaker 3: was empowering, it was fascinating, and if I'm completely honest,
Speaker 3: the reason I built on purpose was to have conversations
Speaker 3: like this where you might be surprised to find it unexpected,
Speaker 3: but to find the common tissue that we all look
Speaker 3: for as humans. And so I'm so grateful you said yes,
Speaker 3: and thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: That's actually something I want to say, is like a
Speaker 1: lot of times we're more alike than we are different,
Speaker 1: you know, and you kind of have to make the
Speaker 1: effort sometimes to find ask questions and be interested. And
Speaker 1: because a lot of times we're all kind of going
Speaker 1: through the same stuff, you know, And I feel like
Speaker 1: we're so programmed to see the differences, and especially you know,
Speaker 1: we're getting so much influence telling us that these people
Speaker 1: are bad and that, you know, and we're just constantly
Speaker 1: being divided. But really we all have very similar feelings,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're going through so many of the same emotions,
Speaker 3: the same ups and downs, the same challenges, and I don't
Speaker 3: want to dive into some of those with you, but
Speaker 3: I wanted to start off with something funny that I
Speaker 3: thought you said that I love you's once said I've
Speaker 3: always been the main character in my head, and I
Speaker 3: wanted to ask, seeing as we're in New York, how
Speaker 3: do you channel main character energy.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think everyone living in New York feels
Speaker 1: that way.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: It's like I think you kind of have to be
Speaker 1: that way, you know. And also we are that way
Speaker 1: just naturally, you know. I just some people admit it
Speaker 1: and some people don't, you know, but totally, you know,
Speaker 1: especially here in New York, where, like you know, no
Speaker 1: two days are alike, and some days it feels like
Speaker 1: everything is going wrong. Like I remember, I would have
Speaker 1: this game that I would play with myself, where like
Speaker 1: if I went because I'd go to school, I take
Speaker 1: the subway and if like I was getting down to
Speaker 1: the subway and the door would stop right in front
Speaker 1: of me, then I knew it was going to be
Speaker 1: a good day, you know, And it really like it
Speaker 1: did set kind of a precedent for the rest of
Speaker 1: the day.
Speaker 3: But well, Julia, before we dive into the deeper work,
Speaker 3: k I wanted to I have to ask you this question,
Speaker 3: seeing as you have been a lot of people's muse.
Speaker 3: Who's your muse?
Speaker 2: My muse is.
Speaker 1: Me. No, But like in all seriousness, it changes, you know.
Speaker 1: I'm just really inspired by the life experience, you know,
Speaker 1: just the everyday things that we overlook. I think life
Speaker 1: is just one big gray area, you know. And I
Speaker 1: think for a long time I really thought in black
Speaker 1: and white, but now I realize that there is no truth.
Speaker 1: Everybody's truth is equally valid for the most part, but
Speaker 1: like there's you know, we're just all experiencing and our perceptions.
Speaker 1: You know, everyone's valid in some way or the reason
Speaker 1: that they think that way is valid in some way.
Speaker 1: I just try to really keep an open mind and
Speaker 1: especially open eyes and open heart, and I just get
Speaker 1: inspiration from everywhere.
Speaker 2: I really love people.
Speaker 1: I'm definitely like a avid people watcher.
Speaker 3: People watching in New York sounds fun.
Speaker 2: It's amazing.
Speaker 3: Tell me about your latest venture.
Speaker 1: I mean, even just like going out to the grocery
Speaker 1: store or like going to a party. Like sometimes I'll
Speaker 1: just like sit back and watch. I Mean, it's kind
Speaker 1: of hard because I get a lot of people talking
Speaker 1: to me all the time, but I prefer to just
Speaker 1: kind of be like a fly on the wall. I
Speaker 1: can definitely be the life of the party too, but
Speaker 1: sometimes I just want to like watch all the little
Speaker 1: micro things happening all around.
Speaker 2: It's just like fascinating to me.
Speaker 3: You've lived an extremely fascinating life. As I was saying
Speaker 3: when I was listening to your audiobook, I want to
Speaker 3: dive into that, and I want to start, as I
Speaker 3: often do on on purpose, talking about childhood because I
Speaker 3: learned very early on when I was researching and studying
Speaker 3: just how those years are so formative when we look
Speaker 3: at the psychology of what we pursue, what we chase,
Speaker 3: what we fear, what we worry about, and it's something
Speaker 3: we all go through. We all have a reference point
Speaker 3: to that time in our life. I wanted to ask you,
Speaker 3: what's a childed experience that you feel left a defining
Speaker 3: mark on your life, especially when it comes to your
Speaker 3: relationship with your parents.
Speaker 1: You know, there were many experiences, but I think the
Speaker 1: overall thread throughout all of them was really feeling like unimportant.
Speaker 1: And I still carry that with me very much today,
Speaker 1: a feeling like I'm not like worth it, you know,
Speaker 1: And that is so hard because I could get so
Speaker 1: much validation and so much affirmation and you know, but
Speaker 1: I still have that little voice in the back of
Speaker 1: my head that's like you're nothing, You're not important, You're
Speaker 1: not worth it. So I just want to say like yes,
Speaker 1: you know, being in the public eye and it looks
Speaker 1: like fun and whatever, but it's like, no, we're still
Speaker 1: just people. And you know, I still definitely have days
Speaker 1: where like I don't want to get out of bed
Speaker 1: and I feel like just not worth it, Like life's
Speaker 1: not worth it and I'm not worth it. And if
Speaker 1: it weren't for my child, I probably wouldn't get out
Speaker 1: of bed like most days actually, So I still definitely
Speaker 1: carry a lot of that trauma, I guess, if you
Speaker 1: want to call it. I definitely carry that with me today.
Speaker 1: And people are like, go to therapy, like do something
Speaker 1: about it, but it's like I'm not worth it, you know.
Speaker 1: It's that like the same cycle. It's a cycle, you know,
Speaker 1: but it's not all the time. But I definitely, you know,
Speaker 1: like even when something good happens to me, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I don't deserve it, you know.
Speaker 3: That's that's what's fascinating about that thought cycle, is that
Speaker 3: when something negative happens, it affirms your belief that you're
Speaker 3: not worth it, and then when something good happens, it's
Speaker 3: almost a feeling of well I didn't I don't deserve it.
Speaker 3: I'm still not good enough.
Speaker 2: It's a fluke.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, lucky.
Speaker 1: I always say that I just got lucky guys, you know,
Speaker 1: But then I know that if I really were to, like,
Speaker 1: you know, look at all the hard work and sacrifice
Speaker 1: that I do deserve it, you know, And and my
Speaker 1: logical mind can identify that, but my emotional mind is
Speaker 1: still very much.
Speaker 3: Like no, yeah, in those two minds, I mean, how
Speaker 3: many of you can relate to that? Right? Everyone can relate, Right,
Speaker 3: It's it's something that that cycle of when something good
Speaker 3: happens to us as humans were so good at being like, yeah,
Speaker 3: I got lucky this time. Oh, when is it going
Speaker 3: to go? Righte?
Speaker 1: When is it going to get taken away from me?
Speaker 1: When are they going to realize I'm a fraud? When
Speaker 1: you know, like it's crazy?
Speaker 3: Yeah, when are people going to find out I'm an imposta?
Speaker 3: When are people going to find out that this table? Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's it's such a thing. What was it in your
Speaker 3: childhood that you think did that? Like what what do
Speaker 3: you think of when you think of that? Where where
Speaker 3: is that?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: I think my parents were dealing with a lot with
Speaker 1: each other and they couldn't really you know, it's like
Speaker 1: boom or parents. They were just very caught up in
Speaker 1: their own stuff and always always fighting, like horrible, horrible fights.
Speaker 1: And I remember I would just like go into the
Speaker 1: bathroom because it was the only room in the house
Speaker 1: that had a lock on the door, and I would
Speaker 1: just turn on the hair dryer and I just lay
Speaker 1: on the floor for like six hours until it was
Speaker 1: like quiet, and then I could go back and like
Speaker 1: bringing to grade into the household. But it was just
Speaker 1: a very kind of isolating, oppressive childhood. I mean there
Speaker 1: were moments like that were great. I had a great
Speaker 1: relationship with my grandparents. I feel like I would not
Speaker 1: be here without them. My grandma encouraged me as an artist,
Speaker 1: like she saw that I had a talent, so we
Speaker 1: would always be, you know, making art together, going to museums,
Speaker 1: going to galleries, going to plays, ballets, you know, all
Speaker 1: the things I didn't do with my parents. And then
Speaker 1: my grandpa on my mom's side, he just made me
Speaker 1: feel really loved and kind of that was more of
Speaker 1: an emotional bond. So if I didn't have that, I
Speaker 1: don't think I would be alive today.
Speaker 3: It's so fascinating as I'm listening to you, I can
Speaker 3: relate to that. So I grew up in a home
Speaker 3: where me and my sister would wake up to my
Speaker 3: parents going.
Speaker 1: And it's crazy how much parents fighting affects kids.
Speaker 2: Sorry, not too, it's crazy.
Speaker 3: It was. I grew up in an emotionally physically abusive household.
Speaker 3: And often when people meet me, they just think I
Speaker 3: had the most perfect childhood and it's why I do
Speaker 3: what I do today, And I often explain it's the opposite.
Speaker 3: I spent my whole childhood mediating my parents' marriage, and
Speaker 3: so the work I do today comes from having years
Speaker 3: meaning since I was like seven years old, of listening
Speaker 3: to challenges, carrying pain, listening to emotions, and thankfully it
Speaker 3: made me stronger and through the work I've done, it
Speaker 3: didn't create a lack of It allowed me to create
Speaker 3: self dependence. Yeah, and that took a lot of work.
Speaker 3: It didn't just happen. But it's so fascinating when I
Speaker 3: see how did that affect someone else? I love where
Speaker 3: there was another family member. And to your point, one
Speaker 3: thing that stood out, which I recommend anyone who's a
Speaker 3: parent in this room or wants to be a parent,
Speaker 3: it's what you just said about the relationship we had
Speaker 3: with a grandparent. My mom's love was like a shield.
Speaker 3: Like my mom's love was like this shield where like
Speaker 3: she just gave me so much love that I would
Speaker 3: never have to question whether I was worthy of love
Speaker 3: or lovable, because that's how powerful a mum's love is. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And when I think about as we're sitting here and
Speaker 3: finding these similarities and commonalities in our life, I wanted
Speaker 3: to ask you your life in your teens took a
Speaker 3: very different turn, and as I heard, at seventeen, you
Speaker 3: decided to become a sex worker or became one. And
Speaker 3: I want to understand just what that journey looks like,
Speaker 3: because for you to go from feeling not enough to
Speaker 3: feeling unlove to feeling not worthy, talk to me about
Speaker 3: how that connects to that decision and how you woke
Speaker 3: that path.
Speaker 1: Well, I think from a really young age, I just
Speaker 1: really learned to compartmentalize, so I could take something I
Speaker 1: didn't like, put it in a little box, and put
Speaker 1: it in a shelf all the way in the back
Speaker 1: of my brain, and I could really disassociate and detach
Speaker 1: and just be on autopilot. And I think that's why
Speaker 1: it was so easy for me to enter an industry
Speaker 1: like that, because I could just shut down like that.
Speaker 1: It was my superpower, actually, and I actually found the
Speaker 1: whole experience really empowering, especially becoming a dominat trix, where
Speaker 1: I could really channel a lot of aggression and a
Speaker 1: lot of anger that I had toward men, or toward
Speaker 1: me or toward any you know, anything that was going on.
Speaker 1: I could really kind of find an outlet for it,
Speaker 1: and I actually, you know, for the first time in
Speaker 1: my life, I actually kind of gained some self worth. Weirdly,
Speaker 1: I always say, obviously there's different pockets of the sex industry.
Speaker 1: I found one that worked for my specific issues and
Speaker 1: it was very therapeutic. And when people ask me, like,
Speaker 1: when did you get into acting, I was telling them all,
Speaker 1: first of all, I've been acting my whole life, you know,
Speaker 1: acting like you're okay when you're not, you know, acting
Speaker 1: like the class clown to like make people laugh because
Speaker 1: you feel like such a piece of shit. And then
Speaker 1: in the Dominatrix Engine where I play a nurse, a teacher,
Speaker 1: a mom, a nun, you know, six times a day,
Speaker 1: different characters. I just became really good at like improv
Speaker 1: and you know, doing that. So you know, back to
Speaker 1: what you were saying, how you had this kind of
Speaker 1: tough childhood, but you were able to then use all
Speaker 1: those skills that you inadvertently learned to now do this
Speaker 1: and help so many people. It's like you have to
Speaker 1: sometimes take those like bad things that happened to you
Speaker 1: in life, and you know, find your purpose in it
Speaker 1: in a weird way, because it's the only way that
Speaker 1: it'll make you feel better for the things that happen,
Speaker 1: or it'll like make it not as bad or something
Speaker 1: that you can actually be grateful for. You know, there
Speaker 1: are times today where I'm like, no, I'm grateful that
Speaker 1: I went through all those things because I have the
Speaker 1: wisdom and the experience and I can now pass it
Speaker 1: on and give other girls hope, you know. And I
Speaker 1: feel like that's the difference between the people that make
Speaker 1: it and the people that don't. You know, there's some
Speaker 1: people that just can never really find a way to
Speaker 1: make it like their purpose or they're calling or and
Speaker 1: then it just kind of never finds an outlet from
Speaker 1: their soul and it just eats them up alive, or
Speaker 1: then they become the abuser and perpetuate that cycle.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, as I'm listening to you, I'm actually just how
Speaker 3: do you even discover the industry? Like how does.
Speaker 4: Someone craigslist baby Greggs lest Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, really yeah, Oh you're not joking at it?
Speaker 3: No, no, but like, how did you even So?
Speaker 1: I knew about it because in the seventh grade, I
Speaker 1: had this one of my many codependent vesties, and I
Speaker 1: would live at her house and it was three sisters
Speaker 1: and an alcoholic mom, and the older sister was a
Speaker 1: dominatrix and the only full length mirror was in.
Speaker 2: My besties room. So she would get dressed.
Speaker 1: She'd buy all this stuff from Link to Sextors and
Speaker 1: come in and put them on, and it was the
Speaker 1: black platforms and the thigh highs and the fish nets.
Speaker 1: And then that's when I was informed, oh, she's a dominatrix.
Speaker 1: And you know, at that point, like I figured it
Speaker 1: out or something, so I always kind of knew that
Speaker 1: it was an option that I could always like just
Speaker 1: do what she did. And she looked so hot and
Speaker 1: cool and it just seemed like just seemed fun and exciting.
Speaker 1: And listen, at the time, I'd already, you know, worked
Speaker 1: in the service industry. I had so many jobs waitress,
Speaker 1: pay street shop, ice cream shop, shoes store. Know and listen,
Speaker 1: You're never going to be able to support yourself on
Speaker 1: seven dollars and fifteen cents an hour. It's ridiculous, Like
Speaker 1: raise the minimum wage, God damn it.
Speaker 2: And I had to move out.
Speaker 1: Something happened at home, and I literally had to move
Speaker 1: out with the clothes on my back. And you know,
Speaker 1: I could only really like stay at friend's houses for
Speaker 1: so long. I had to contribute in some way, So
Speaker 1: that's what I did.
Speaker 3: So it was a fully survival thing.
Speaker 1: Yes, definitely survival. I don't think I would have just
Speaker 1: chosen to do it, but I am glad that I did. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like I really kind of learned. It was
Speaker 1: like a crash course in the male psyche.
Speaker 2: Tell us that really weird.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of people tell us about the mouse psyche.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's just like all the different fetishes and stuff, like.
Speaker 5: They're just so many and they're so weird, Like belly buttons,
Speaker 5: blue jeans, hair like on your head, not even down there.
Speaker 2: Like they just men get so infatuated.
Speaker 3: With the like.
Speaker 1: Weird, random things that women possess on them. And I
Speaker 1: also found, actually, interestingly enough, that the more powerful a
Speaker 1: man was in his career, in his life, the more
Speaker 1: submissive he would be with me. Like it was almost
Speaker 1: like this, these scales were tipped, and in order for
Speaker 1: him to find that balance, he'd have to come to me,
Speaker 1: to degrade him and tell him what a piece of
Speaker 1: shit he was and tell him that his employees hate
Speaker 1: him and his wife hates him, and you know, and
Speaker 1: just beat the shit out of him and it and
Speaker 1: it really got me thinking, like humans really need balance.
Speaker 2: And I learned that really the life. But I saw
Speaker 2: that I was able to.
Speaker 1: See that firsthand, you know, and I thought that was
Speaker 1: really interesting. You know, how you can go out there
Speaker 1: and be this tough guy and then here he's like
Speaker 1: crawling on all fours and drinking drinking my tea out
Speaker 1: of a dog ball, And it was just really interesting,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 3: I love that balance is what you took away from that,
Speaker 3: And it's just amazing. It's amazing we are I was
Speaker 3: I was going to say that I learned about balance,
Speaker 3: but at the monastery and there was it.
Speaker 4: Was a completely off.
Speaker 3: We came to the same conclusion though, and uh and
Speaker 3: and as I'm listening to you, I know that I was.
Speaker 3: I was going to ask you, actually, how do you even, like,
Speaker 3: what do you think of the misconceptions about sex workers
Speaker 3: or what did you learn by actually being in the
Speaker 3: industry that you think is relevant for people who are
Speaker 3: not connected, may not understand, may not know, whatever it
Speaker 3: may be. What would you say those are.
Speaker 1: I mean, I would just say to anyone thinking about it. Obviously,
Speaker 1: now today with only fans and there's so many ways
Speaker 1: to be in the sex industry without ever touching a man,
Speaker 1: which is.
Speaker 2: Like amazing, But back in my day that was not
Speaker 2: the case.
Speaker 1: I would just say, like, set a firm boundary in
Speaker 1: your head going into it and don't cross it, and
Speaker 1: the moment you cross it, just stop because then it'll
Speaker 1: just keep happening. And I made that mistake, and it
Speaker 1: kind of does like wear on you a little bit,
Speaker 1: you know, and then it's like, well, nobody will ever know,
Speaker 1: but you will know, you know, and that you will
Speaker 1: never escape.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: It's almost easier to some other someone else know and
Speaker 1: not you, but your clients.
Speaker 2: They will take and take and take and take.
Speaker 1: So you just have to be really firm in what
Speaker 1: line you're not going to cross.
Speaker 3: Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from
Speaker 3: our sponsors, thanks for taking a moment for that. Now
Speaker 3: back to the discussion. It's quite remarkable you learned so
Speaker 3: many lessons. You've learned balance boundaries, you know, acting like
Speaker 3: you were just saying like roll like why and when
Speaker 3: did that end? Like why did that period of your
Speaker 3: life come to a close? And then where did you
Speaker 3: pivot to?
Speaker 1: And I'll tell you another thing that I learned then
Speaker 1: was manifestation through prayer. So I would pray every single night.
Speaker 2: I'm not kidding. I would pray for a sugar daddy.
Speaker 4: Like like long prayers, long long player prayers, a lot
Speaker 4: of bargaining, a lot.
Speaker 1: Of bargaining and begging God to please send me a
Speaker 1: sugar daddy.
Speaker 2: And he did, he did, He did the best one ever. Also,
Speaker 2: I got really really lucky. We're still friends. I love
Speaker 2: them to death.
Speaker 1: And that's that's kind of how I got out of that.
Speaker 3: Was that always you'll get out like get out card, Like,
Speaker 3: was that your thought in your head when you were praying?
Speaker 1: When you're in that kind of lifestyle, you're not really
Speaker 1: thinking long term, you know. I feel like having the
Speaker 1: ability to plan and do all these things, like that's
Speaker 1: something for like well adjusted people. When you're living like
Speaker 1: I was, it was very much like survive the day,
Speaker 1: get through the day, and maybe something good will happen,
Speaker 1: you know. So I was really just kind of looking
Speaker 1: for like a means to an end. And it was
Speaker 1: really only kind of after my situation with my sugar
Speaker 1: Daddy broke up that I actually started to like live for.
Speaker 2: Me, you know, and try to make it on my own.
Speaker 1: And like all my blessings and everything I've been able
Speaker 1: to achieve only happen once I got out of that
Speaker 1: funny enough, So.
Speaker 3: And was your faith God something you always had always?
Speaker 4: Yea?
Speaker 3: Where did that come from? You know?
Speaker 2: I'm not really sure. I know, you know, I'm Italian.
Speaker 1: I've lived in Italy for some of my childhood with
Speaker 1: my grandpa, and and he was very faith based, and
Speaker 1: we prayed every.
Speaker 2: Night, and I always kind of knew.
Speaker 1: That that God was there, or something was there, a
Speaker 1: presence was there, and it's like you can only have
Speaker 1: too like so many coincidences before you're like, okay, there's
Speaker 1: something cosmic here, you know. And also I feel like
Speaker 1: when you're kind of in desperation and not feeling so great,
Speaker 1: I find that those are usually the times or the
Speaker 1: people that really turned to God. And I was very
Speaker 1: much like unwell for a long time, so I needed
Speaker 1: to believe that God was real.
Speaker 3: It's incredible to hear you talk about it from both sides,
Speaker 3: like you know, a second ago or like belly laughing.
Speaker 3: And then at the same time, there's like this real
Speaker 3: survival desperation, stress, trying to get through every day, as
Speaker 3: you just said, like just trying to make it through
Speaker 3: till the end of the day, and the reality of
Speaker 3: just not how would you feel at the end of
Speaker 3: the day, Like what would be going through your mind?
Speaker 1: Would it just be I didn't feel no, like I
Speaker 1: did so many drugs, like every single drug under the sun.
Speaker 1: I was smunking pie all the time, like before it
Speaker 1: like literally wake up first thing, like digging a roach
Speaker 1: out of an ash tray, you know, like just that
Speaker 1: level of.
Speaker 2: Numbness at all times.
Speaker 1: So like feeling is still kind of fairly like a
Speaker 1: newer thing for me, and I still have a lot
Speaker 1: of trouble articulating how I'm feeling.
Speaker 2: Like I just kind of shut down.
Speaker 3: Because that was the only way to get through it
Speaker 3: was to just be numb, yeah, and to just not
Speaker 3: feel because if you were to it would.
Speaker 1: Have it would just open a floodgate and who knows
Speaker 1: what could happen, you know, because usually when I would
Speaker 1: be emotional, it be kind of like a meltdown and
Speaker 1: then I'd end up in like a hospital at all
Speaker 1: or something. So it was just better to not even
Speaker 1: go there at all.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's so fascinating to hear that. I think so
Speaker 3: many of us feel that in different ways where we
Speaker 3: find a numbing agent, whatever that may be for us.
Speaker 3: For some of us it's TV, sugar, alcohol, drugs, whatever
Speaker 3: it may be. There's some sort of way of just
Speaker 3: kind of not self regulating, but externally regulating our emotions
Speaker 3: and feelings because we just don't want to feel that.
Speaker 3: For you, as you were doing that, where did you
Speaker 3: get addicted to heroin in that journey? Because that became
Speaker 3: that was.
Speaker 1: When I found heroin. It was like I would say
Speaker 1: that it's akin to like what being in your mother's
Speaker 1: womb would feel like, like the warmth and that everything
Speaker 1: is going to be okay. And you know, I think
Speaker 1: I probably liked it so much because of the disconnect
Speaker 1: I had with my own mother, so and kind of
Speaker 1: became a replacement mommy or something, you know. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I discovered hero in high school and I took it
Speaker 1: all the way into my mid twenties, you know, on
Speaker 1: and off, on and off. I sometimes I'd be off
Speaker 1: for years and I'd always go back. So, you know,
Speaker 1: it only really took my best friend, the love of
Speaker 1: my life overdosing in twenty nineteen for me too, which
Speaker 1: is fairly recently for me to really be done, because
Speaker 1: that really shook me to my core. And I felt
Speaker 1: like her dying had to had to at least do
Speaker 1: one good thing, you know, And if that could just
Speaker 1: be me not getting high anymore, I know that she
Speaker 1: would approve of that.
Speaker 2: I know that she it would make I.
Speaker 1: Don't know, it's not that it would make it less horrible,
Speaker 1: but I just had to find some kind of silver
Speaker 1: lining or something to attach myself to. So now I,
Speaker 1: you know, don't do that anymore in honor of her.
Speaker 3: So, so sorry to hear that. How long did you
Speaker 3: both know each other and how were you.
Speaker 1: We actually met in AA and it was a funny story.
Speaker 1: We were sitting next to each other and my like
Speaker 1: horrible ex boyfriend was also there and we hadn't seen
Speaker 1: each other in a long time, and he was there
Speaker 1: with this girl who had like cyber believe me on Instagram.
Speaker 1: And I just stood up and I said, this room
Speaker 1: is unsafe for me.
Speaker 2: There are abusers in here.
Speaker 1: And I just made such a scene, which is like
Speaker 1: fairly uncommon and it that doesn't really happen, so but
Speaker 1: I did it. And she loved it, like she was
Speaker 1: like yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, tell um, tell um, yeah.
Speaker 1: And then I just sat back down and it was
Speaker 1: that was it. We were together every single day after that.
Speaker 1: It was like we really found each other. But you know,
Speaker 1: with every kind of relationship like that, it was only
Speaker 1: a matter of time before we.
Speaker 2: Both left to go get high together. You know.
Speaker 1: So it's pretty cliche, but it's still a beautiful love
Speaker 1: story none the least.
Speaker 3: What was that journey for you to actually get clean
Speaker 3: from her? And like, what was that journey like for you?
Speaker 3: I can't imagine It's easy, And like you said, you
Speaker 3: used the loss of her as fuel, as inspiration, as
Speaker 3: a guiding light during a really, really tough time. But
Speaker 3: what did it actually take from you to now be
Speaker 3: able to sit here and say, well, that's not something
Speaker 3: I do anyway.
Speaker 1: Well, she died and then I got pregnant six months
Speaker 1: later and had my son. And if there's one thing
Speaker 1: I'm determined to do is to not give him a
Speaker 1: shitty childhood.
Speaker 2: And in order for me to do that, I have
Speaker 2: to be sober.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so it all happened pretty quick, and honestly,
Speaker 1: I don't think I would have even had my son
Speaker 1: if she hadn't passed away. But at that moment, it
Speaker 1: was like anything to fill that and that heartbreak, you know,
Speaker 1: it was. I just wanted to feel better. And actually,
Speaker 1: funny story, when I was about I can't remember now
Speaker 1: I put the the I put it in my book.
Speaker 1: But like a couple of weeks into my pregnancy, I
Speaker 1: had a dream. She came to me in a dream
Speaker 1: and I told her I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm having
Speaker 1: I want you to come back as my baby. I
Speaker 1: want you to be reincarnated as my baby. And she said,
Speaker 1: because she was always really funny. She was like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to come back as a boy. And that's
Speaker 1: how I found out I was having a boy. I
Speaker 1: went to the doctor and I told him I think
Speaker 1: I'm having a boy. My dead bess friend came to
Speaker 1: me in a dream and he was like, you're psychotic.
Speaker 1: But then we did the test and I was having
Speaker 1: a boy. So so she was right. So I still
Speaker 1: feel like like she's with me and everything I do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you say in the book that motherhood saved you.
Speaker 1: Because I just don't have time to do anything else,
Speaker 1: Like it really is like.
Speaker 2: Three full time jobs. So but it did it? Did?
Speaker 2: It did save me?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: When you finally found the sugar daddy and you got
Speaker 3: out of you know, sex work from your prayers, where
Speaker 3: did that pivot happen? From that getting you out of
Speaker 3: there and then moving into acting? Like how how did
Speaker 3: that happen?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 1: People knew who I was, like I was like a
Speaker 1: hood celebrity, you know, and these directors heard about me
Speaker 1: and wanted to meet me, and they were writing a
Speaker 1: part for this young girl who has kind of a
Speaker 1: sugar daddy situation, and that movie would go on to
Speaker 1: become uncut gems. So I you know, I auditioned like
Speaker 1: everyone else. Unfortunately, even though they had written it for me,
Speaker 1: the studios were like, we don't know her, like what
Speaker 1: like they wanted like Scarlet Johanson and you know all
Speaker 1: these other women, beautiful women and established actresses. And at
Speaker 1: the time, I didn't even know if I could like
Speaker 1: actually act act.
Speaker 2: You know, but I had a hunch.
Speaker 1: And so you know, I did a screen test with
Speaker 1: Adam Sandler and it went really well and they were
Speaker 1: able to convince the studios to let me do it.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: But that's why I always tell people like like live
Speaker 1: your truth, like even if you're messy or wild or
Speaker 1: cringe like, like, don't hide that because you never know
Speaker 1: who's watching, you know. Like I was so embarrassing, like
Speaker 1: like truly so embarrassing, but it caught these people's eyes.
Speaker 3: You know what was embarrassing? What were you doing as well?
Speaker 1: Well, you know, everyone knew that I was living off
Speaker 1: my sugar daddy's money and every there you go, it
Speaker 1: was like everybody knew it. It was you know, but
Speaker 1: they it was like frowned upon, you know, like people
Speaker 1: will talk shit about me or didn't want to be
Speaker 1: my friend or it was just like I was always
Speaker 1: kind of looked at it like as the spectacle, you know.
Speaker 1: And I was known to like cause a scene or
Speaker 1: just be loud and sometimes violent.
Speaker 2: And yeah, definitely tell.
Speaker 3: Us about the violent.
Speaker 1: Well, I grew up in a violent home, So that's
Speaker 1: kind of how I learned to like problem solve, like
Speaker 1: if I want a problem to go away, you you know,
Speaker 1: so I you know, I've definitely been known to throw hands,
Speaker 1: but you know now I'm like, oh, it's so embarrassing,
Speaker 1: you know, But like I had to do all that
Speaker 1: messy stuff and be that girl to end up in
Speaker 1: this chair today speaking with all of you.
Speaker 2: So just always be yourselves.
Speaker 3: It's so fascinating for me. Seeing that in my home
Speaker 3: made me never want to be angry, never want to
Speaker 3: be violent, never want to raise my voice, and never
Speaker 3: kind of create that atmosphere again. And it's so interesting
Speaker 3: just how it's humans we make those choices at different
Speaker 3: stages in our life and where they go from there.
Speaker 3: I one thing that really stood out to me in
Speaker 3: your book Down the Drain, that is when you mentioned
Speaker 3: when you were young, you said to your mom you
Speaker 3: wanted to be a rock star, and she laughed. And
Speaker 3: then when you booked Uncut Gems, she laughed again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, talk to.
Speaker 3: Me about those two moments and why you remember them
Speaker 3: so vividly, and because.
Speaker 1: It's like you'd expect your parent to be so happy
Speaker 1: and so supportive, but she could just never do it.
Speaker 2: She could never do it.
Speaker 1: And you know, I think, like now that I'm also
Speaker 1: a mom, I can see her as a human and
Speaker 1: I see a woman who came from nothing and did
Speaker 1: everything she was supposed to do. She went to college,
Speaker 1: went to university, she worked as a nurse, she did
Speaker 1: all the things to become a doctor, and was just
Speaker 1: always a good girl. And then to see me, who
Speaker 1: literally did the opposite, would go to jail, get arrested,
Speaker 1: get into fight, steal stuff, break stuff, trespass, you know,
Speaker 1: just overdose one hundred times, you know, just a mess.
Speaker 1: And then to see me be successful, I'm sure is
Speaker 1: a mind. Yeah, like I'd probably hate me too, Like
Speaker 1: I'm sure there's like a human you know, Jealousy is
Speaker 1: very real, even between mothers and daughters. I see it
Speaker 1: all the time, Like I couldn't fathom it because I
Speaker 1: see my loved ones as an extension of myself, but
Speaker 1: with my mom and I, it was always very clear
Speaker 1: that we were on two opposite ends for some reason,
Speaker 1: and we could never bridge that gap. I don't know
Speaker 1: if we ever will, to be honest, but I know
Speaker 1: that I have to protect my peace and not keep
Speaker 1: trying just to be disappointed all the time.
Speaker 2: You know, I just can't do it anymore.
Speaker 3: As I'm looking at you, it feels like you've tried
Speaker 3: a lot.
Speaker 1: Not that much, but not that much, but there have
Speaker 1: been a few times, Yeah.
Speaker 3: What have you tried? And when did you try?
Speaker 1: And just trying to mimic what a mother daughter relationship
Speaker 1: is supposed to look like and playing that part, playing
Speaker 1: that role, acting that part, only to be met with
Speaker 1: not her playing that part back, you know. And I
Speaker 1: realized that, you know, we can't just like turn it
Speaker 1: on and be mother and daughter, and there needs to
Speaker 1: be some unpacking. But every time I try to talk
Speaker 1: about things, it's complete denial. It's almost like she lived
Speaker 1: a completely like she lived.
Speaker 2: In a different house. Well she really did live in
Speaker 2: a different house.
Speaker 1: She lived in Italy my whole life, so I only
Speaker 1: saw her twice a year, so that also played a
Speaker 1: big part. But there were obviously prolonged periods as well
Speaker 1: that we would be together, but even then, it just
Speaker 1: always felt like she was just very uninterested.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I could see that it wasn't like.
Speaker 1: That with my brothers, that she had way more of
Speaker 1: a connection and she put the effort and had more
Speaker 1: of a genuine interest for them.
Speaker 2: So and I picked that up very very young.
Speaker 3: How have you reconciled that?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 3: I'm sure there's lots of people in the room who
Speaker 3: have challenges with parents, potentially even challenges with kids, Like
Speaker 3: how have you reconciled that? What have you How have
Speaker 3: you come to as close to peace or a boundary
Speaker 3: that you've been able to set with them?
Speaker 1: You know, I wouldn't say it's forgiveness, because how do
Speaker 1: you forgive a betrayal like that? But there is an acceptance,
Speaker 1: which I think is the closest thing to forgiveness, And
Speaker 1: it's so hard to accept because it's really hard to
Speaker 1: accept things that we can't change. You know, we are
Speaker 1: the control freak and us wants to like change it
Speaker 1: and fix it and make it okay. But you need
Speaker 1: the other person to also put in that effort too. So,
Speaker 1: you know, I think really for me, I'm not a
Speaker 1: place of acceptance that this is just the way it's
Speaker 1: going to be. And if if I keep trying to
Speaker 1: fight it or change it, I'm really only hurting myself.
Speaker 1: And you know, I have a child I have to
Speaker 1: show up for. I have to be happy and positive.
Speaker 1: So like, why am I going to let her have
Speaker 1: that too? You know, like I'm not gonna I'm just
Speaker 1: not going to do that.
Speaker 3: It takes a lot to draw those boundaries with the
Speaker 3: people that we love.
Speaker 2: And sadly, especially your parents, especially parents.
Speaker 1: Like now that I'm a parent and I have parents,
Speaker 1: it's like you can have more than one kid.
Speaker 2: You could have ten kids, but you can.
Speaker 1: Only have one mom and one dad, like in that way,
Speaker 1: Like you know, obviously there's people, there's blended families, but it's.
Speaker 2: Really really, really.
Speaker 1: Important relationship and I take it to the highest level
Speaker 1: of importance. To me, it's sacred. Nothing comes before my child.
Speaker 1: So I mean, I just don't understand how for her
Speaker 1: it's not the same.
Speaker 2: Did she ever go to therapy she's a psychologist?
Speaker 1: Wow, Yeah, that's why I don't trust them and I
Speaker 1: don't want to go.
Speaker 3: Wow, that's fascinating. I know when you were addicted to
Speaker 3: drugs or even when you were a sex worket. Did
Speaker 3: you ever have any near death experiences?
Speaker 2: Many?
Speaker 1: And actually, my best friend Brianna once called my mom
Speaker 1: in Italy and was like, your daughter's dying coming at her.
Speaker 2: She hung up the phone.
Speaker 3: What happened to you?
Speaker 2: I lived.
Speaker 3: That day that she had to make that call to
Speaker 3: your mom.
Speaker 1: I honestly don't even remember. I think I probably just
Speaker 1: like odde on heroin or something.
Speaker 3: Was that a regular current? So yeah, but that was
Speaker 3: the only time that they called. She called your mom.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it was like the first time it
Speaker 1: ever happened. Yeah, And my friend just got so scared.
Speaker 1: I was living at her house at the time, and
Speaker 1: she just like found me like that and freaked out
Speaker 1: and just didn't know what to do. But her mom
Speaker 1: stepped in as my kind of surrogate mother and helped
Speaker 1: me a lot.
Speaker 3: Oh her mom, Oh wow.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: The beauty of having that kind of void is that
Speaker 1: I really attracted so many amazing women with that kind
Speaker 1: of instinct or that ability to kind of sniff out like, oh,
Speaker 1: this child needs mothering. So I've had so many kind
Speaker 1: of you know, pseudo maternal figures in my life, and
Speaker 1: I feel like when I think of my mom, I
Speaker 1: think of all of them. You know, my my advisor
Speaker 1: in high school who like saved my life, and a
Speaker 1: lot of them were my friend's parents and they.
Speaker 2: Really took me in. And mom are just amazing.
Speaker 1: Like having a horrible experience of mine doesn't take away
Speaker 1: that I can identify that moms really are amazing.
Speaker 2: You know, I understand that my mom's like an exception.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you have one of the most fascinating minds and
Speaker 3: lives of anyone I've ever interviewed. Honestly, Oh my god.
Speaker 3: I find it so incredible that despite the challenges and
Speaker 3: trials and tribulations that you were going through in your life,
Speaker 3: you were able to at the same time identify goodness
Speaker 3: and pray, look for ways out see sacredness in your
Speaker 3: friends and other people.
Speaker 1: And it's a survival instinct. It's like you don't even
Speaker 1: realize you're doing it. It's that will to live that
Speaker 1: we all innately have. Like I didn't set out to
Speaker 1: do any of that stuff. I didn't realize I was
Speaker 1: doing it until after. But I really I think a
Speaker 1: part of me, as much as I wanted to die,
Speaker 1: I also really wanted to live, and I had to
Speaker 1: find love and goodness wherever I could, because I think
Speaker 1: as people, that's really all we want, you know, we
Speaker 1: want to be seen and we want to be loved.
Speaker 3: Did you have any dangerous encounters as a sex worker
Speaker 3: or were you the one inflicting me?
Speaker 2: I was the one they were in danger?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. And obviously I understand that my
Speaker 1: experience is very unique. You know. Obviously I had some
Speaker 1: clients that were better than others, but for the most part,
Speaker 1: I always had very good instincts. If I felt like
Speaker 1: something was weird, I would just leave, you know, I'd
Speaker 1: leave the room and go get someone else. You know.
Speaker 2: Also, a C and M is a.
Speaker 1: Very you know, it's really the only place in the
Speaker 1: world where like the women rule, Like I'd never seen
Speaker 1: that before. I'd always kind of seen the opposite of that.
Speaker 1: So I think being able to be in that so
Speaker 1: young really kind of shaped how I see the world today,
Speaker 1: because I see so many discrepants and disparities and how
Speaker 1: unfair this world is for women. But in the S
Speaker 1: and M world, we were the people in charge, calling
Speaker 1: the shots and and you know, and men were just
Speaker 1: there to drink.
Speaker 2: Pea out of a dog ball. You know, it was amazing,
Speaker 2: it was heaven, it was paradise.
Speaker 3: It's we'll just let that sit for a second. But first,
Speaker 3: here's a quick word from the brands that support the show.
Speaker 3: All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive
Speaker 3: back in. There's this recurring pattern that I could hear
Speaker 3: about when I was listening to your book, this idea
Speaker 3: of proving yourself, proving yourself to your mom, proving yourself
Speaker 3: to men you were dating, proving yourself to the industry,
Speaker 3: proving yourself.
Speaker 2: And I still am all the time. But that's never end.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I think it's so hard for a woman to show
Speaker 1: up in a room and just be given the benefit
Speaker 1: of the doubt, you know, whereas men walk in and
Speaker 1: they're just given the benefit of the doubt until they
Speaker 1: prove otherwise. You know, whereasom and it's always the opposite.
Speaker 1: We kind of have to work a little bit harder. So,
Speaker 1: you know, especially if you're like an unconventional woman, or
Speaker 1: a weird woman, or a neurodivergent woman or a lowed woman,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh my god, the odds are so stacked
Speaker 1: against you. But you know, that's not going to stop
Speaker 1: me from being who I am.
Speaker 3: A big part of what we've been talking about here
Speaker 3: this evening before you came out, was this idea of
Speaker 3: how we feel judged when we walk into a room,
Speaker 3: or how we think others think of us, and how
Speaker 3: we worry about that. I'm sure when you're walking into
Speaker 3: rooms to audition actading, directors, producers, I'm sure that there's
Speaker 3: so many things you think people think of you. How
Speaker 3: have you found coping mechanisms to that anxiety, stress, nervousness
Speaker 3: that naturally exist and people shared earlier so vulnerably and
Speaker 3: beautifully in front of five thousand people. We had people
Speaker 3: standing up and really opening their heart. What goes through
Speaker 3: your mind and what technique's abilities practices have you developed
Speaker 3: in order to allow yourself to walk into a room
Speaker 3: and not feel that anxiety and stress.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, I think everyone's feeling that way,
Speaker 1: you know, I think people are so just worried about
Speaker 1: themselves all the time anyway, like they're probably thinking the
Speaker 1: same thing about you. And another thing is also like
Speaker 1: it's really not that deep. We have the attention span
Speaker 1: of a goldfish. People will forget like nothing is serious, Like,
Speaker 1: just don't take it so seriously, you know. And also
Speaker 1: if you walk into a room and they don't like you,
Speaker 1: probably because they're whack. You know. I've come to find, honestly,
Speaker 1: like people that don't like me are kind of people
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even really want to like me anyway.
Speaker 2: You know, like they're just not cool. So I think
Speaker 2: just lead with that mindset.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I remember seeing this this meme. I don't know
Speaker 3: who wrote to where it came from, but it it
Speaker 3: says confidence isn't everyone will like me, confidences will be okay.
Speaker 2: Even if they don't don't like you. Yeah, And it's.
Speaker 3: That idea of just we think confidence means everyone likes me,
Speaker 3: everyone notices me when I walk in the room, and
Speaker 3: that I can control the crowd. And it's like, well,
Speaker 3: that's not confidence.
Speaker 1: And also if you try to please everyone, you just
Speaker 1: end up pleasing no one.
Speaker 2: So it's just better to just be genuine because at.
Speaker 1: Least, like I always tell people, like, take the mask off,
Speaker 1: be yourself, so then you can attract people that are
Speaker 1: like minded. And then once you have your tribe and
Speaker 1: your people, you're invincible. You know, it doesn't matter what
Speaker 1: happens to you because you'll have your fan that understand you,
Speaker 1: I agree with you, and know that you're the bomb.
Speaker 3: You've said that you don't you're not afraid of being alone,
Speaker 3: but you've been afraid of being truly seen, which I
Speaker 3: find to be really interesting because I think a lot
Speaker 3: of us are scared to be truly seen in all
Speaker 3: of who we are. And where are you on that journey?
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like even being here tonight and
Speaker 1: you know, going so deep and talking about things that
Speaker 1: are you know, kind of things I usually just put
Speaker 1: in a compartment in the back of my brain and
Speaker 1: just pretend like they don't exist.
Speaker 2: Like this is a big part of it.
Speaker 1: Also, I find that when you share a secret or
Speaker 1: share something that's been weighing you down, you share it
Speaker 1: with somebody, you're also sharing that the weight with someone else.
Speaker 1: Now we can all carry this together and it's less
Speaker 1: of a burden for you. So I think, just like,
Speaker 1: don't hold it in, it'll eat you up.
Speaker 2: Like, just if you're.
Speaker 1: Feeling something, tell somebody otherwise you're just gonna it's going
Speaker 1: to eat you up, and you're going to feel so
Speaker 1: isolated and so alone, and it's just no way, no
Speaker 1: way to live well said, I flutely agree.
Speaker 3: It's one of the reasons I've been encouraging everyone tonight
Speaker 3: to share their heart and so many brave, brave soults have.
Speaker 3: I love that you were saying that recently feeling has
Speaker 3: been a new phenomena for you. How recent is that
Speaker 3: and what have been some of the joyful, positive, healthy
Speaker 3: feelings that you've been experiencing.
Speaker 1: Probably when I quit smoking weed two years ago, so
Speaker 1: very very recent. But you know that's not to say
Speaker 1: that I feel things before. I obviously did, but I
Speaker 1: would just feel something and then pick up the pipe.
Speaker 2: Now I just.
Speaker 1: Do that. I always say, like I'm strapping my seatbelt
Speaker 1: on and I'm going to and I'm gonna move through it.
Speaker 1: It's gonna move through me. I'm not gonna go over it.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go around it. I'm just gonna let
Speaker 1: it do its thing and it's gonna pass.
Speaker 2: It's gonna pass.
Speaker 3: Wow, It's it's pretty remarkable to've gone from that extreme
Speaker 3: to this. And like you just said, you're not on
Speaker 3: drugs anymore, not smoking weed, and I believe you're celibate
Speaker 3: now too. Yeah, I would celibate as a month for
Speaker 3: three years.
Speaker 2: I'm on three years too, You're on three years? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Wow, yeah, all right, so you're gonna you're gonna beat
Speaker 3: my record.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, what made you make that? I said, unfortunately?
Speaker 3: What made you make? Was it always a commitment long term?
Speaker 3: Was it?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize that I was doing it until
Speaker 1: I was doing it, you know. For I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's been six months, and then it
Speaker 1: was like a year, Oh my god, three you know,
Speaker 1: It's just the time goes so fast. But I've honestly
Speaker 1: found that that was another or toxic relationship that I
Speaker 1: had with sex and with men.
Speaker 2: I don't think.
Speaker 1: Right now that I'm able to have a healthy, emotional
Speaker 1: or romantic relationship with anyone, to be honest, you know,
Speaker 1: I think I'm still really coming to terms with who
Speaker 1: I am and learning every day. Like sometimes, you know,
Speaker 1: even though I was so precocious in a lot of ways,
Speaker 1: I feel like I was a late bloomer, you know,
Speaker 1: because I just wasn't really living authentically and I was
Speaker 1: self medicating, and I was just in survival mode for
Speaker 1: so long.
Speaker 2: So now that I can, like you know, sit back,
Speaker 2: I'm okay.
Speaker 1: I have a roof over my head, I have my
Speaker 1: family and everything, but it still feels like fairly new.
Speaker 1: So I think right now I just need to like
Speaker 1: be okay being with me and that's okay.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what did what did you learn from cutting out
Speaker 3: so many of these things you were dependent on or
Speaker 3: had unhealthy toxic relationships within the past. Like what is
Speaker 3: it felt like to almost stop you know, drugs, we'd
Speaker 3: practicing celibacy, Like what is what is that done for you?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 3: What are you experiencing from the detox?
Speaker 1: I mean like I can go grocery shopping, and I
Speaker 1: can go to sleep when I'm supposed to and wake
Speaker 1: up when I'm supposed to do, and I can show
Speaker 1: up for people, and I can be reliable and responsible
Speaker 1: and dependable, and you know, I can be someone that
Speaker 1: somebody can count on. And you know, I'm I think
Speaker 1: I'm a great mom. You know, I can just build
Speaker 1: a home, like a healthy, happy home with lots of
Speaker 1: snacks in the kitchen and it's warm and nice and
Speaker 1: you know, just just like all the basic things that
Speaker 1: all of you guys do. For so long, I just
Speaker 1: wasn't participating you know, so like as people were always
Speaker 1: kind of focusing on like the big things, like once
Speaker 1: I lose ten pounds, then I'll be happy. Once I
Speaker 1: get this promotion, I'll be happy. Once I get this car,
Speaker 1: then I'll be happy, or this watch or this bag.
Speaker 1: But really life is all the little things, and you
Speaker 1: have to get those things in order, because yeah, you'll
Speaker 1: get that big thing, but then it'll be okay, what's next,
Speaker 1: you know, because it'll never fill the void.
Speaker 2: You know. You have to get all the little things together.
Speaker 1: And that's as little as eating healthy, sleeping enough, meditating,
Speaker 1: just spending time alone, recharging your batteries and I'm seeing
Speaker 1: your friends and laughing, you know, like those those are
Speaker 1: the things that happiness is built upon. So you know,
Speaker 1: that's where I'm trying to live now because I was
Speaker 1: very much like, well, once i'll get a.
Speaker 2: Nose job, i'll be pretty and then I'll be happy,
Speaker 2: you know, And it.
Speaker 1: Was just always the cycle of trying to find the
Speaker 1: thing that'll make me happy without realizing that it was
Speaker 1: right in front of me. But I just needed to,
Speaker 1: like water the damnse eat. So that's what I'm doing.
Speaker 3: Now, Julia. For our tour, we created a segment that
Speaker 3: we wanted to do with guests called Past, Present, Future,
Speaker 3: and it starts with a series of cards just that
Speaker 3: everyone knows that are marked past, present, and future. And
Speaker 3: Julia has no ideas what these questions are. So, Julie,
Speaker 3: what I'm gonna ask you to do is I'm gonna
Speaker 3: ask you to pick, and these questions will ask you
Speaker 3: either something. I'll come closer to you. They'll ask you
Speaker 3: something either about your past, present, or future. They're marked,
Speaker 3: so we'll see which one you pick. So do you
Speaker 3: want a passcard, present card or a future card?
Speaker 2: Do I pick at random?
Speaker 3: Or oh no, it's okay, you chose a present card.
Speaker 3: What does this say?
Speaker 1: What's the last photo in your photo role? I didn't
Speaker 1: bring my phone out here.
Speaker 4: Weekends.
Speaker 3: It away when you have to tell you have to
Speaker 3: post it later?
Speaker 2: Okay, you have to post it off to the show.
Speaker 2: You can't. I'm trying to think what.
Speaker 3: You posted as long as you can post it.
Speaker 2: Future?
Speaker 1: What niche hobby will you take way too seriously when
Speaker 1: you're older? Knitting for sure? I cannot wait to be
Speaker 1: at the nursing home.
Speaker 2: Leave me the hell alone. I just want to knit
Speaker 2: in peace.
Speaker 3: What's the first thing. You're gonna knit yourself.
Speaker 1: A blanket so I can like put it on me
Speaker 1: as I knit.
Speaker 2: I just want to knit myself.
Speaker 1: Into a cocoon and be left alone for all eternity.
Speaker 2: Doesn't that sound amazing?
Speaker 3: I want you to pick one of the past cuts.
Speaker 1: Okay, where was your first kiss? Okay, guys, I have
Speaker 1: a confession. I don't remember my first kiss. I know
Speaker 1: that's part of like being, you know, in the trauma.
Speaker 1: I don't remember a lot of stuff like I genuinely.
Speaker 2: Have no idea who it could be. It could be
Speaker 2: like one hundred different people.
Speaker 3: To end a past present future segment, I want to
Speaker 3: show you a picture if you can get the first
Speaker 3: one up behind you in a second. Do you remember this?
Speaker 2: I was always hustling, do you know?
Speaker 3: Do you know where you were? Do you know?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I was in front of my dad's building, and
Speaker 1: I used to sell lemonade all summer long and just
Speaker 1: stack paper.
Speaker 2: It's so much money.
Speaker 3: How old were you you remember that?
Speaker 2: I'm probably like eight or nine here.
Speaker 3: What what advice would you give to your younger self
Speaker 3: that you look at in that picture?
Speaker 2: Keep stacking paper, girl, No, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1: To just like everything, It's going to make sense, you know,
Speaker 1: just hang in there.
Speaker 3: Second one please, this is your present. What do you
Speaker 3: need to hear right now? What's the words that you
Speaker 3: need to hear right now in your life?
Speaker 2: You are worthy?
Speaker 3: Do you feel That's like a daily reminder right now?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: And oh god, we have a future thanks to AI,
Speaker 3: we have a future version behind me.
Speaker 2: Okay, not so bad.
Speaker 3: Okay, you look amazing. Yeah, all right? Ah, what do
Speaker 3: you hope and intend that you'll think of yourself and
Speaker 3: the people who really know you will say about you
Speaker 3: at that age? What do you think the people who
Speaker 3: deeply knew you in life, that really got to know
Speaker 3: you beneath the surface will say about you at that.
Speaker 2: Age that I'm a boss? I'm a boss aspect?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Oh, Julia, you've been. You've been so brave, vulnerable, thoughtful, hilarious,
Speaker 3: inspiring to come here today. And it was so funny
Speaker 3: we were walking up when when Julia and I were
Speaker 3: walking up and she said to me, she is, I'm
Speaker 3: pretty sure we don't have a lot of crossover in
Speaker 3: our audience and our community, and I'm hoping that this
Speaker 3: has been a positive experience.
Speaker 2: For you, it has.
Speaker 3: My greatest joy is in all of us learning so
Speaker 3: much about each other that we're able to see each
Speaker 3: other's humanity despite how we look, how we present ourselves,
Speaker 3: how we dress, what country we came from, what background
Speaker 3: we have, what walks of life and paths that we've
Speaker 3: been down. Because to me, that's what the world really needs,
Speaker 3: is the ability to look at someone's heart and soul.
Speaker 3: And you've allowed me to try and give that opportunity
Speaker 3: to myself and everyone else who trusts me to do
Speaker 3: that today. And I just want to say a big,
Speaker 3: big thank you. And I hope this is going to
Speaker 3: be a thank you.
Speaker 2: Thank you guys, someone.
Speaker 3: And thank you too, can stay up. I hope this
Speaker 3: is going to be the most surprising friendship of twenty
Speaker 3: twenty five. And I actually want to ask you one
Speaker 3: last question because you've talked so beautifully about your son
Speaker 3: and being a mother, and the audience has, you know,
Speaker 3: really felt that and responded to that tonight. And you
Speaker 3: actually went through a miscarriage too, right? And was that
Speaker 3: before or after?
Speaker 1: I was seventeen and it happened in a bar. I'm
Speaker 1: pretty happy I had that miscarriage. I don't even know
Speaker 1: who the Yeah.
Speaker 3: How did that experience affect you at that time?
Speaker 2: Like I even remember that I was once.
Speaker 1: At a pregame when I got a call that my
Speaker 1: grandpa had died, and I literally like shut off the
Speaker 1: phone and went back to the pregame because like there
Speaker 1: was just.
Speaker 2: No way that I was going to deal with that.
Speaker 1: And I still have like breakdowns, like violent breakdowns about it.
Speaker 1: I'm just I was just very good. I was trained
Speaker 1: to just shut it off, you know, like shut it off.
Speaker 1: It didn't happen, nobody knows, It's okay, move on, but
Speaker 1: you know, like I said, it's like you know, you know,
Speaker 1: so you know, even though that particular miscarriage was probably
Speaker 1: God looking out for me because I was no way
Speaker 1: ready to take on such a sacred role, it still
Speaker 1: does kind of feel like a little piece of you
Speaker 1: is chipped away at.
Speaker 3: Yeah, whether it's like you said, being protection or whether
Speaker 3: it happens sadly and tragically, it's it's still a part
Speaker 3: of you that was, yeah, was connected to it, and
Speaker 3: it's totally and hearing about it from that perspective, and
Speaker 3: how you've been able to just this recurring theme in
Speaker 3: your life of just revisiting, and tonight I feel like
Speaker 3: you've and in your incredible book, you know, down the Drain,
Speaker 3: your memoir, You've revisited some of these moments that I
Speaker 3: can't imagine rethinking, reliving, rebreathing.
Speaker 2: It was actually so cathartic.
Speaker 1: It was probably the closest I'd ever gotten to actually
Speaker 1: because I've had a hundred therapists, but then I stopped going,
Speaker 1: you know, but having to sit down every day and
Speaker 1: write that book, I mean, there were so many times.
Speaker 2: That I was like, I'll just call a ghost writer.
Speaker 1: Like it's fine, everybody does it, like it's okay, and
Speaker 1: I would just just force myself to like sit there
Speaker 1: and sit with the pain. And I remember like I'd
Speaker 1: be flushed, like my cheeks would be read, I'd be
Speaker 1: sweating because I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe
Speaker 1: I'm like actually writing this. And it was like I
Speaker 1: could have not written it, you know, but a part
Speaker 1: of me felt like like I needed to, you know,
Speaker 1: like I needed to talk about it or release it
Speaker 1: in some way. And actually, ever since writing the book,
Speaker 1: I do feel like lighter, weirdly, like I'm not carrying
Speaker 1: all that baggage alone. And also the response that I've
Speaker 1: gotten from it. And you know, every time a young
Speaker 1: girl comes up to me and she tells me that
Speaker 1: she broke up with her boyfriend because she read my book,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you know, doing.
Speaker 2: God's work out here.
Speaker 1: Just it doesn't get better than that, guys. But you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, It's like, that's really what it's
Speaker 1: all about.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I think the most times I've ever felt close to
Speaker 1: happiness or joy, like real pure joy was when I
Speaker 1: was able to help somebody without getting any thing back.
Speaker 1: Like that's really when when I feel so at peace,
Speaker 1: you know, and so happy and joyful. So you know,
Speaker 1: I think that's just that's what it's about. And also
Speaker 1: I have this thing where it's like I don't want
Speaker 1: to burden anyone. I don't want to be annoying. I
Speaker 1: don't want to ask. I don't want to be a problem.
Speaker 1: But it's like, no, people like it. People like it
Speaker 1: when you ask for help or ask for stuff like
Speaker 1: that's something I really also would tell my present, really
Speaker 1: like ask for help, Like people like to be of service,
Speaker 1: and people like to help you're doing them a favor too,
Speaker 1: you know. So because I always think like I'll do
Speaker 1: it myself. I'll do it like that's my whole thing.
Speaker 1: I did it myself, but like it's not sustainable.
Speaker 3: I want to thank you so much. Is anything you
Speaker 3: want to share? Any last words? Any?
Speaker 1: I actually do want to say one thing, because you
Speaker 1: were mentioning meditation as I was walking out, and in
Speaker 1: the third grade, my teachers and social workers told my
Speaker 1: dad that I was probably ADHD and needed to get medicaid,
Speaker 1: and my dad actually put me in transcendental meditation classes.
Speaker 1: And in that same year, I was failing all my classes.
Speaker 2: I was. I was like a complete one eighty.
Speaker 1: I started getting a's and sitting at the front of
Speaker 1: my class and raising my hand. And if only I
Speaker 1: had stuck with it, That's all I'm going to say.
Speaker 1: But it really works. Meditation really works.
Speaker 3: Are you back to it now?
Speaker 2: It's always on my to do list and I never
Speaker 2: do it.
Speaker 1: But now because I've told all of you, and I
Speaker 1: hope you guys hold me accountable and write in my
Speaker 1: comments all day, I hope you're meditating today, Julia.
Speaker 2: Do you guys could do that for me? You have
Speaker 2: no idea how much I need it.
Speaker 1: I would definitely pick pick back up all right, that's
Speaker 1: that's the first thing we're going to do today is meditation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Julia, as our ome purpose audience knows, we end
Speaker 3: every episode with a final five. These have to be
Speaker 3: answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Okay, So,
Speaker 3: Julia Fox, these are your final The first question is
Speaker 3: what is the best advice You've ever heard or received?
Speaker 1: The best advice I've ever heard or received is actually
Speaker 1: from my mom, who said, be nice to everyone because
Speaker 1: you'll never know when you need a favor.
Speaker 3: Question on the two, what is the worst advice you've
Speaker 3: ever heard or received?
Speaker 1: To like stop doing so much? Yeah, to not be
Speaker 1: so extra? And I think that's horrible advice. You know,
Speaker 1: that's like asking someone to like dim their light.
Speaker 2: You know, it's just a wild ask.
Speaker 1: I think you you have to be extra, and you
Speaker 1: have to be cringe and you have to be yourself.
Speaker 1: It's the only way you can really live authentically.
Speaker 3: Okay, run over the word count on that one. I'll
Speaker 3: question number three, what's something that you used to value
Speaker 3: that you no longer value?
Speaker 2: Drugs?
Speaker 3: I love it. Question number four, what's the first thing
Speaker 3: you do in the morning and the last thing you
Speaker 3: do at night? TikTok, honest Answer and question number five.
Speaker 3: We asked this to every guest who's ever been on
Speaker 3: the show. If you could create one law that everyone
Speaker 3: in the world had to follow, what would.
Speaker 2: It be be nice to women.
Speaker 3: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with
Speaker 3: Will Smith on owning your truth and unlocking the power
Speaker 3: of manifestation. Anybody who hasn't spoken to their parents or
Speaker 3: their brother, call them right now.
Speaker 1: Don't think you're going to have a chance to call
Speaker 1: them tomorrow or next week.
Speaker 3: That opportunity with my father changed every relationship in my life.