Speaker 1: Wind Down with Jane Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2: So this week's adult education, We've got Tyas Gibson coming on.
Speaker 2: She you know, she was just on Jay Schetty's podcast,
Speaker 2: So I feel very lucky that we got her. I
Speaker 2: love a little Jayshetty, and I love anyone that he loves. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And I love someone that helps with cheating. I love
Speaker 2: someone through that with people. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I love the attainability of being able to do it
Speaker 3: at home.
Speaker 2: She's got a course and it is working through this
Speaker 2: cheating epidemic, exploring why infidelity, betrayal, jealousy, and trust issues
Speaker 2: have become so common in modern relationships. If you are
Speaker 2: dealing with that, hopefully she's going to break it down
Speaker 2: for us. So is this true that forty percent of
Speaker 2: people have cheated on their partner with a coworker? When
Speaker 2: I read that, I really went deep back into like
Speaker 2: corporate days. Right, there's like a lot of I'm the
Speaker 2: waitressing days.
Speaker 3: I get yelled at for this socials, but I've been
Speaker 3: through enough trauma that I feel like can loosely use
Speaker 3: these terms and try to be funny. It's part of
Speaker 3: the dark humor, But like there's a lot of trauma
Speaker 3: bonding in the corporate world where you're like in it
Speaker 3: for the long days and you're you know, only you
Speaker 3: know what it's like to have that crappy boss and
Speaker 3: all the things, and so it doesn't really shock me
Speaker 3: that it's forty percent. I guess I just hoped it
Speaker 3: to be a little better.
Speaker 2: I just wish that is cheating members rising or falling.
Speaker 1: So it's rising slightly, but it's not rising very quickly.
Speaker 1: And cheating is something that is happening because of very
Speaker 1: specific reasons. So when I work with people, you know,
Speaker 1: I've had thousands of conversations at this point as to
Speaker 1: why people cheat, and other than this, ten percent of
Speaker 1: people who it's a pathological issue of sex addiction, narcissistic
Speaker 1: personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder.
Speaker 4: Ninety percent of.
Speaker 1: People who do cheat, Okay, they end up cheating because
Speaker 1: they have I'm that needs for a long period of time,
Speaker 1: they don't know how to communicate about those needs to
Speaker 1: their partner. They eventually become resentful because they go, my
Speaker 1: partner was supposed to meet my needs. I feel that
Speaker 1: they're not being met and it's not conscious, right, These
Speaker 1: are these subconscious feelings of resentment, frustration people carry, and
Speaker 1: as long as we have deeply unmet needs and then resentment,
Speaker 1: we start justifying when somebody does come along and offers
Speaker 1: to meet those needs. So, for example, if somebody felt
Speaker 1: really unseen by their partner because their partner's not very
Speaker 1: present anymore, not curious about them, not asking them questions.
Speaker 1: And then we have somebody come into the workplace, for example,
Speaker 1: that you're trauma bonded with. Perhaps who's sitting there going,
Speaker 1: who's sitting there going, Oh, you know, how are you
Speaker 1: feeling about our boss?
Speaker 4: What's been going on?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: Do you feel this way? I feel this way?
Speaker 1: And suddenly they're making this person who for the last
Speaker 1: decade in their marriage has felt completely unseen, they make
Speaker 1: this person feel very seen. Well, now the mind starts
Speaker 1: justifying people would always follow the same path. They go, Oh,
Speaker 1: my partner doesn't care about me anyways. They never make
Speaker 1: me feel seen, so who cares that I'm starting to
Speaker 1: build this connection.
Speaker 4: It's just a text.
Speaker 1: It's fine, and it seems to always follow this very
Speaker 1: specific thread that becomes a slippery slope where people are going, okay, well,
Speaker 1: frustrated anyways, at home, then somebody meets those needs. And
Speaker 1: now that seems to be what opens the candiforms.
Speaker 2: What do you define as cheating? Oh, excellent question.
Speaker 4: So my answer is not simple.
Speaker 1: I truly believe cheating has to be an individuated discussion
Speaker 1: between two people, because we'll have some people and I mean,
Speaker 1: you can just look at the scope of the types
Speaker 1: of relationships that exist nowadays, where some people are polyamorous
Speaker 1: and some people are very loyal. You know, I myself
Speaker 1: tend to be a little bit more on the side
Speaker 1: of of you know, any kind of emotional affair would
Speaker 1: absolutely be cheating, and other people that I've had conversations
Speaker 1: with say, oh, well, if it's just an emotional affair,
Speaker 1: it's really the physical part that counts, and of course
Speaker 1: we'd have to work through it. But if somebody's just
Speaker 1: saying that they have feelings, it's not as big of
Speaker 1: a deal. So it really I've had so many conversations
Speaker 1: with people along such a continuum of answers to that
Speaker 1: question that I always say to people, when you get
Speaker 1: into a long term relationship, if you're going to come
Speaker 1: to somebody, have that conversation immediately. As soon as you're
Speaker 1: having this commitment conversation.
Speaker 4: Good.
Speaker 1: What does commitment mean to you? If we're going to
Speaker 1: be committed, does that mean like what's off the table?
Speaker 1: What's on the table. Let's have a really clear conversation.
Speaker 1: Because another thing I saw so often is that people
Speaker 1: would come in and they would have an emotional affair
Speaker 1: on their partner. Come in when I was working in
Speaker 1: my private practice and say, but it was just an
Speaker 1: emotional affair, it wasn't cheating, and their partner would say no, No,
Speaker 1: an emotional affair is absolutely cheating. And they had never
Speaker 1: defined those boundaries. And because they didn't define them, then
Speaker 1: the person who did the cheating would turn around and say, well,
Speaker 1: if I had known that, I never would have done it.
Speaker 3: Well, that feels a little guest lady.
Speaker 2: I have a follow up to that too, And then
Speaker 2: I want to pose you a question to KB.
Speaker 5: But this feels a little unsafe, but within so because
Speaker 5: I have a very strong opinion about this question that
Speaker 5: I'm asking you.
Speaker 2: But when someone breaks that either emotional that cheats, whether
Speaker 2: it's emotionally or physically, do you think couples can survive
Speaker 2: that cheating scandal?
Speaker 1: Okay, So I spent a lot of time working with
Speaker 1: people on this, and again it's a slightly different there
Speaker 1: tends to be almost like one way or the other.
Speaker 1: So about fifty percent of people you'll see they just say, nope,
Speaker 1: non negotiable, don't want to work through it, wouldn't even bother,
Speaker 1: don't want to be looking over my shoulder.
Speaker 4: And I very much respect that. Now. A lot of
Speaker 4: times that group of.
Speaker 1: People also, not that this is the only reason, but
Speaker 1: a lot of times there are usually people who are
Speaker 1: not necessarily married, have a mortgage, have young children.
Speaker 4: It's just a non negotiable.
Speaker 2: And when you don't have exactly.
Speaker 4: And so I understand that it's different for different people.
Speaker 1: I probably myself would lead a little more that direction,
Speaker 1: with things a little more cut and dry, because of
Speaker 1: my own childhood experiences.
Speaker 4: Everybody's so unique.
Speaker 1: A lot of couples that I've worked with are sitting
Speaker 1: there and a lot of people are saying no, no, no,
Speaker 1: we would definitely work through it. I believe that there's
Speaker 1: one way only to work through cheating, and if you
Speaker 1: don't do these steps, that you're just suppressing how you
Speaker 1: felt and you're not actually fixing things.
Speaker 4: And if you're doing that, you're always looking over your shoulder.
Speaker 3: Why do I feel like my heart and my stomach
Speaker 3: or something like it?
Speaker 2: Because there's steps the trauma. Yeah, but what are the steps?
Speaker 1: Okay, So here's the first steps. And it's not for
Speaker 1: the faint of heart. I'll just forewarn you.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's okay.
Speaker 1: Because people go through and get cheated on because of
Speaker 1: unmet needs and not communicating those unmet needs. Then they
Speaker 1: end up the subconscious mind is the needs meeting machine.
Speaker 1: It's going to find ways to get our needs met.
Speaker 1: The person who did the cheating, it's on them. They
Speaker 1: didn't communicate their needs, then they looked outside of the
Speaker 1: relationship it is. It is absolutely on them. But the
Speaker 1: person who gets cheated on when they don't have context
Speaker 1: for why their partner or spouse cheated and then they
Speaker 1: try to rebuild trust, it's like asking them to blindly trust.
Speaker 1: You don't know the root cause of why the person cheated.
Speaker 1: So now when you're just trying to work through it,
Speaker 1: you're supposed to close your eyes and hope that everything
Speaker 1: is going to be okay and get back in there. No,
Speaker 1: people really need context for healing. So it's not for
Speaker 1: the faint of heart. We start people who get cheated
Speaker 1: on and they have to literally air everything it made
Speaker 1: them feel. This is how it affected me, These are
Speaker 1: my fears. Now, these are the things that they're going
Speaker 1: to come up in the future, and the person who
Speaker 1: did the cheating they have to come up with strategies
Speaker 1: to help repair. So it has to be like more transparency,
Speaker 1: more context until trust is a lot more repaired. Maybe
Speaker 1: you have to say where you're going all the time,
Speaker 1: maybe your path, where it's off your phone, maybe there's
Speaker 1: you know, actual things you can agree upon, and the
Speaker 1: person who did the cheating has to really hear and
Speaker 1: take in and be present with and validate that person's
Speaker 1: feelings and experiences. Now, this is where it gets interesting.
Speaker 2: That is hard for the person that has done the
Speaker 2: cheating because they're so in their shame that they get
Speaker 2: either defensive or they don't like that it's brought up
Speaker 2: because they're exactly they're dealing with their own shame around
Speaker 2: it and their own, you know, their own feelings, and
Speaker 2: so that's why I feel like that's always been the
Speaker 2: trickiest piece.
Speaker 1: Yes, but it also tells you a lot about the
Speaker 1: cheater because if they can't do that, are you going
Speaker 1: to really want to trust them long term in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I mean that we have to be able to do
Speaker 1: the work and repair. And I always tell people who
Speaker 1: get cheated on vet how they respond to that part.
Speaker 1: You take a look and watch how they respond, because
Speaker 1: it's going to tell you a lot about the potential
Speaker 1: future of the relationship. The flip side of this is
Speaker 1: where it gets really interesting, which is then the person
Speaker 1: who got cheated on has to hear their partners why.
Speaker 1: And I always tell people in advance it's not going
Speaker 1: to feel good and it's their fault for not communicating
Speaker 1: to what their unmet needs were. Absolutely, but unless you
Speaker 1: hear the why and then you actually have steps to
Speaker 1: repair for that as well, then the person who got
Speaker 1: cheated on, they're being asked to blindly trust and.
Speaker 4: They think, oh, my partner cheated, they could just cheat again.
Speaker 1: It's almost like a game of Russian roulette rather than
Speaker 1: actually hearing. Okay, I didn't know how to ask you,
Speaker 1: but physical affection is my love language. I needed to
Speaker 1: be more touchy feely. I wasn't getting that. Whatever it
Speaker 1: might be, there's many different situations. Somebody feels unseen, they
Speaker 1: didn't feel protected, they felt unheard, they didn't feel like
Speaker 1: they were a priority, whatever those situations are. If that
Speaker 1: person who cheated doesn't do the work to go inwards,
Speaker 1: figure out what those unmet needs.
Speaker 4: Were, share it in a non blaming way, and then.
Speaker 1: Actually request for steps for reparation to bridge that gap
Speaker 1: so they're actually working on these things together, then instead
Speaker 1: the person's just feeling like they're always.
Speaker 4: Looking over their shoulder.
Speaker 1: And so both people have to talk about what happened
Speaker 1: when they got cheated on and were what are my
Speaker 1: unmet needs now and how do we repair for those
Speaker 1: And they have to be seen and heard and their
Speaker 1: emotions validated. And then the person doing the cheating has
Speaker 1: to say, here's the root cause that I wasn't sharing,
Speaker 1: that I wasn't communicating. Can we work to repair that?
Speaker 1: And it gives the person who is cheated on a
Speaker 1: sense of control because they go, Okay, well, now I
Speaker 1: know if we're working on these root cause issues together,
Speaker 1: at least I know that that was the reason that
Speaker 1: you cheated. Now we communicate openly, and now we're preventing
Speaker 1: that in advance. And what's really important is when you
Speaker 1: look at secure people in relationships, people who report about
Speaker 1: a fifty percent group of people who report rarely ever
Speaker 1: even considering cheating. They're the least likely to cheat in relationships,
Speaker 1: and the report that being the most fulfilled in relationships
Speaker 1: on an ongoing basis. And these are an anonymous polls.
Speaker 1: These are not through you know, people saying in front
Speaker 1: of their partner, right, this is their their truth. This
Speaker 1: group of people, what they do very effectively in relationships
Speaker 1: is they talk about their needs to each other regularly
Speaker 1: and check in and work to bridge strategies and gaps
Speaker 1: to meet each other's needs. And if they're unmet, they
Speaker 1: feel comfortable being vulnerable and talking about it. And that's
Speaker 1: the antidote to infidelity in my opinion, other than that
Speaker 1: subgroup of people who struggle with infidelity because of pathological
Speaker 1: reasons like narcissistic personality disorder.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Do you think once a cheat are always a cheater?
Speaker 4: No? I like it, I truly do not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And the reason is I've seen it persthand and worked
Speaker 1: with so many people firsthand. And once a cheater, always
Speaker 1: a cheater applies if somebody's not doing.
Speaker 2: The work, Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because
Speaker 2: I mean that would be like me saying, because I mean,
Speaker 2: I cheated in my past, but I had so much
Speaker 2: in my twenties, you know that I didn't know how
Speaker 2: to do it. But now I couldn't even like ome my.
Speaker 3: Yead like the stomachache I get if like yeah, long
Speaker 3: guide text me one off to be like, is Monday
Speaker 3: better than Tuesday for the when I'm like blood group
Speaker 3: text yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: And so that's and you know, some people have like
Speaker 1: a predisposition because of their conditioning and their upbringing to
Speaker 1: being to valuing loyalty very strongly. Usually actually people who
Speaker 1: went through a substantial amount of early childhood trauma, they
Speaker 1: really put loyalty at a high value. And so we
Speaker 1: have people who will wait things differently. But at the
Speaker 1: root it's kind of irrelevant in the long run, because
Speaker 1: you can have extremely loyal people with a lot of
Speaker 1: trauma and then they still may very well stray and
Speaker 1: that's because they're trying to regulate and soothe and get
Speaker 1: their needs met and don't know how to communicate. But
Speaker 1: truly that like gold standard, as if you've done the
Speaker 1: work so you know how to communicate openly and be vulnerable,
Speaker 1: you know what your needs are. And now both people
Speaker 1: in a relationship, talk about needs, freequent, and share and
Speaker 1: are vulnerable with one another, then you're very unlikely to
Speaker 1: see cheating in long term relationships.
Speaker 2: I guess that's why it surprised me then, because I
Speaker 2: feel like our generation is a lot more. We communicate more,
Speaker 2: we have boundaries, we say what we you know, what
Speaker 2: we want and need and feel. That's why I guess
Speaker 2: I'm surprised that there's an uptick in cheating because I
Speaker 2: would just be like, this is what's happening, and if
Speaker 2: this doesn't change them out, you know, as opposed to
Speaker 2: finding a connection with someone elsewhere.
Speaker 3: Do you think it's easier now because of social media?
Speaker 1: That's exactly right, That's what the data shows. Are is
Speaker 1: just going to say that. That's why. So where we
Speaker 1: have this this benefit of the fact that you know,
Speaker 1: we are communicating more, people are becoming more conscious and
Speaker 1: aware of what's going on in there in our world
Speaker 1: and reality, and you know, these kinds of conversations are
Speaker 1: much more mainstream nowadays. It's excellent, but we've also had
Speaker 1: that met with this. You know, you can find somebody
Speaker 1: very quickly. There's this sort of short term gratification dynamic
Speaker 1: out there where if something's not working, now we do
Speaker 1: see the uprise. The uptick in cheating tend to skew
Speaker 1: very strongly, and it's a small uptick, but it's skews
Speaker 1: strongly from that small eptick in general to people who
Speaker 1: are not in marriages, so just people who are committed
Speaker 1: relationships who wouldgreate on being monogamous. But then you know,
Speaker 1: we seem to see that they're I think they're very
Speaker 1: much being targeted by social media. It's like, oh, if
Speaker 1: something's not working, maybe I'm sort of on my way
Speaker 1: out of a relationship anyway, So okay, I'm just on
Speaker 1: a dating app now briefly, or oh I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: The convenience factor is also offsetting the fact that people
Speaker 1: are becoming more conscious and aware.
Speaker 3: And there's so much secrecy too with social media, Like
Speaker 3: you know, there's vanish mode and there's snapchat where things
Speaker 3: just go away and there's no evidence. So I feel
Speaker 3: like it just enables people that want to do that
Speaker 3: a little bit more, which I hate.
Speaker 1: But and that's a big vetting question, Like to be honest,
Speaker 1: what you know, what I always tell people to look
Speaker 1: for when they're looking for secure partners is early on,
Speaker 1: when you're dating somebody in the first six months and
Speaker 1: getting to know them, or if you're working on reparation after.
Speaker 2: Having a baby relationship, Well, you see here, doctor, our
Speaker 2: timeline the vetting was like a little bit like opposite
Speaker 2: day for us, and so we vetted after. But that's okay.
Speaker 1: But that's okay because you can still bet and make
Speaker 1: sure that somebody is in there and doing the work
Speaker 1: and willing to communicate.
Speaker 2: But what is the vetting process?
Speaker 4: Say you're going to do it, do it right? Okay?
Speaker 1: Great question Number one? Are we doing a weekly needs
Speaker 1: check in? Are we both aware of what our needs
Speaker 1: are that make us feel loved and connected? And are
Speaker 1: we checking it on a weekly basis with it that
Speaker 1: should be a non negotiable and every relationship. In my opinion,
Speaker 1: the half an hour conversation it takes over Sunday dinner
Speaker 1: once a week saves you hours of unnecessary arguments and
Speaker 1: drama and challenge, and so it's really important people learn
Speaker 1: what they actually need and not to go too far
Speaker 1: down the tangent there. But people's needs are very different
Speaker 1: and as a set point, we all tend to love
Speaker 1: people according to our needs. So you could take somebody
Speaker 1: in a relationship who wants to feel seen and they
Speaker 1: try to be very present with their partner and make
Speaker 1: them feel seen. But maybe they're partner is a novelty
Speaker 1: person and they like to explore together and that's how
Speaker 1: they feel loved. And so if we're just loving people
Speaker 1: on autopilot, we're usually loving people through our own programming
Speaker 1: and it may not even reach your land with another
Speaker 1: person properly. So it's the thing that sustains relationships the
Speaker 1: most long term is what are our needs and do
Speaker 1: we know how to articulate them to one another? And
Speaker 1: actually vetting Step number two becomes do we see effort?
Speaker 1: Because if you're just communicating but then somebody's well, yeah,
Speaker 1: i'll meet your need. We'll all be more present one
Speaker 1: day when I'm not so busy, but they don't actually
Speaker 1: come and put in the work and take those action steps.
Speaker 1: Then that's a really important and meaningful red flag. If
Speaker 1: your needs are not met now just by communicating them,
Speaker 1: there's a very high chance that they're not ever going
Speaker 1: to be met. Somebody is not willing to take that
Speaker 1: step of effort. And then the other thing that we
Speaker 1: really want to make sure that we're doing is seeing
Speaker 1: vulnerability in relationships. You know, if both people go into relationships,
Speaker 1: and vulnerability is a hard thing if you have a
Speaker 1: lot of trauma, but again you can be doing the
Speaker 1: work and overcome that. And so a lot of times
Speaker 1: we see people who don't share vulnerably, and if they're not,
Speaker 1: then they're going to look to sue in other ways
Speaker 1: that are probably going to be less healthy. If we
Speaker 1: don't want to be vulnerable with our partner, then we're
Speaker 1: going to you know, get frustrated about unnecessary things that
Speaker 1: are unrelated, a form of displacing someone's anger. Like let's
Speaker 1: say they're upset that you're home late. They don't share it.
Speaker 1: They get upset that you were running late to bring
Speaker 1: the kids to school in the morning, and they get
Speaker 1: really angry about that, but it was about something the
Speaker 1: day before. If we can't communicate through problems, we have
Speaker 1: a problem. It's going to be long lasting. So those
Speaker 1: are really important things to be looking for. And if
Speaker 1: we see those things, those are generally like foundational green
Speaker 1: flags that allow relationships to function very healthily.
Speaker 2: And it's got the Personal Development School, so it includes
Speaker 2: sixty five plus courses guided exercises, live support. Do you
Speaker 2: is it meant to do with your partner or is
Speaker 2: it solo exercises or what is it?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So it's basically we have people come in, they
Speaker 1: can take programs. So if they want to repair after
Speaker 1: rupture through cheating and fidelity, there's a program directly for that,
Speaker 1: if they want to heal their attachment patterns and relationships,
Speaker 1: it's all for your subconscious minds. What it allows you
Speaker 1: to actually rewire because a lot I think one of
Speaker 1: my bones to pick a little bit, is that right
Speaker 1: now we have a lot of people learning things consciously,
Speaker 1: but subconscious your subconscious minds responsible for ninety five percent
Speaker 1: of your choices. So unless we actually do subconscious rewiring work,
Speaker 1: that then affects the rest of our nervous system. We
Speaker 1: just intellectualize information all the time, we may not really
Speaker 1: get the results. So the Personal Development school is built
Speaker 1: for that. You can do it on your own or
Speaker 1: with the partner, and there's just different program tracks that
Speaker 1: you can come in by taking a survey what am
Speaker 1: I struggling with the most, and then it will pop
Speaker 1: out recommendations for you and then you can go on
Speaker 1: those tracks accordingly.
Speaker 2: I love you.
Speaker 3: I really wish you were right here, and I honestly
Speaker 3: wish Preston and I could come have a seat on
Speaker 3: your couch. Yeah, no like drama, but just like even
Speaker 3: the weekly check ins. Yeah that's He's not a super
Speaker 3: thing that.
Speaker 2: Alan and I do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's not the most like vulnerable human, So I
Speaker 3: have to really really dig in, like that's one of
Speaker 3: my questions I have. And we do not have to
Speaker 3: spend time on this really, but you know, like I know,
Speaker 3: physical touch leads for him, and physical touch used to
Speaker 3: lead for me, but now I'm a mom of three,
Speaker 3: so I'm a little touched out sometimes, like in the
Speaker 3: sweetest way, but I don't often go like, wow, I
Speaker 3: have ten seconds of not being touched, I can't wait
Speaker 3: to touch someone else. I feel you on that, by
Speaker 3: the way, And I had to explain that to Alan
Speaker 3: the other day because he like he playfully will like
Speaker 3: grab my butt. But when I'm not in the mood
Speaker 3: or if I'm like doing five million things, I'm like
Speaker 3: please like and then I'm like, well why, But I
Speaker 3: want him to feel like he can still touch me,
Speaker 3: and I want that not in the right like but
Speaker 3: not maybe while I'm making like a PB and J
Speaker 3: yeah right or something. We're just like we're being called
Speaker 3: mom mom, like yeah, and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: it's just like it's okay, I work here.
Speaker 2: That's how I feel.
Speaker 3: I'm like I work for everyone.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: But also I love this lap on the ass because
Speaker 3: we're flirty.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's like how do you how do you
Speaker 2: do that?
Speaker 4: So there's a two part thing happening.
Speaker 1: So part one is that when you're constantly on the go,
Speaker 1: on the move, you're usually in sympathetic nervous system a lot.
Speaker 1: And when you have your young kids and they're buying
Speaker 1: for your attention and you're you have these nineteen things
Speaker 1: to do on your checklist, you we don't tend to
Speaker 1: actually be super responsive to physical touch.
Speaker 4: Especially with women, when we're in fight or flight mode.
Speaker 1: When we're're in like, let's go mode and so our
Speaker 1: cortisol is elevated, we're not really going to enjoy touch's action.
Speaker 1: A nervous system piece there. And there's a second part
Speaker 1: to those which we'll come to. But but in the
Speaker 1: nervous system piece, I found that often if we have
Speaker 1: healthy habits for connections, so if we know Okay, your
Speaker 1: your partner loves touch, then let's do like a nervous
Speaker 1: system regulation activity in the evening first for ten minutes,
Speaker 1: and then we're doing that together, and now we're a
Speaker 1: lot more comparis sympathetic, We're open to enjoying touch, and
Speaker 1: then we have a habit of cling up on the
Speaker 1: couch together or doing something that's engaging those needs.
Speaker 4: The other side of it is sometimes we can do
Speaker 4: a needs exchange.
Speaker 1: So sometimes when you are not, for example, being pulled
Speaker 1: in you know, or both of you not being pulled
Speaker 1: in so many different directions because you now have your
Speaker 1: needs met a little bit more for support, Like maybe
Speaker 1: it's Tuesday evening and your partner or spouse is going
Speaker 1: to be the one with the kids for the next
Speaker 1: couple hours. You get to come back to yourself, get
Speaker 1: back in your body slowed down. Well, Now that you've
Speaker 1: got your need met for support and somebody's sharing some
Speaker 1: of the priorities there with the kids, now you're really
Speaker 1: open to touch, and now Tuesday night can be the
Speaker 1: night that you have carved out time to be more
Speaker 1: romantic together and do something it's more physically affectionate.
Speaker 4: But it starts with maybe your.
Speaker 1: Needs being met first for support in that case, so
Speaker 1: we can either do a needs exchange and get clear
Speaker 1: about what that exchange would be, or we can just
Speaker 1: recognize that maybe our nervous system's overfiring a little bit
Speaker 1: and we can have a healthy have it in the
Speaker 1: evening to slow down, reregulate, and then make more time
Speaker 1: for touch afterwards as a result.
Speaker 2: That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 3: We talked to so many people on here with your
Speaker 3: similar kind of background, and I just have to say,
Speaker 3: I don't know what it is about you specifically, but
Speaker 3: you're just wildly refreshing for me. I don't know if
Speaker 3: it is how simple you make it feel. It's not oversimplified,
Speaker 3: it's not dumbing it down, but it's just I think,
Speaker 3: very validating or something. You're just a real gem.
Speaker 2: Where can our listeners find you?
Speaker 1: So I'm at Personaldevelopment School dot com and people can
Speaker 1: go and take a relationship assessment there see how their
Speaker 1: relationship's doing, what their patterns might be. But I'm also
Speaker 1: on YouTube which is ty S gibson Dash Personal Development
Speaker 1: School or on Instagram at the Personal Development School and lovely,
Speaker 1: you guys are amazing.
Speaker 2: I read how much I'm finding you right now, I
Speaker 2: think validated. I appreciate you for coming on.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: And everyone get the Personal Developments School because it is
Speaker 2: going to transform your relationship.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.