WEBVTT - Adult Education: Committing to Commitment 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.359 Wind Down with Jane Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast. 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:10.560 So this week's adult education, We've got Tyas Gibson coming on. 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:13.280 She you know, she was just on Jay Schetty's podcast, 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:16.320 So I feel very lucky that we got her. I 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:19.840 love a little Jayshetty, and I love anyone that he loves. Yeah, 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:25.920 And I love someone that helps with cheating. I love 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:28.480 someone through that with people. Yeah. 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:31.120 I love the attainability of being able to do it 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:31.640 at home. 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:38.320 She's got a course and it is working through this 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:42.200 cheating epidemic, exploring why infidelity, betrayal, jealousy, and trust issues 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:44.519 have become so common in modern relationships. If you are 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:46.680 dealing with that, hopefully she's going to break it down 0:00:46.720 --> 0:00:49.000 for us. So is this true that forty percent of 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:51.479 people have cheated on their partner with a coworker? When 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:54.040 I read that, I really went deep back into like 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:57.400 corporate days. Right, there's like a lot of I'm the 0:00:57.440 --> 0:00:58.320 waitressing days. 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:01.279 I get yelled at for this socials, but I've been 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:03.160 through enough trauma that I feel like can loosely use 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:04.760 these terms and try to be funny. It's part of 0:01:04.800 --> 0:01:06.839 the dark humor, But like there's a lot of trauma 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:09.000 bonding in the corporate world where you're like in it 0:01:09.040 --> 0:01:11.840 for the long days and you're you know, only you 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:14.400 know what it's like to have that crappy boss and 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:18.000 all the things, and so it doesn't really shock me 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:20.160 that it's forty percent. I guess I just hoped it 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:21.080 to be a little better. 0:01:21.760 --> 0:01:25.360 I just wish that is cheating members rising or falling. 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:29.880 So it's rising slightly, but it's not rising very quickly. 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:33.240 And cheating is something that is happening because of very 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:37.360 specific reasons. So when I work with people, you know, 0:01:37.480 --> 0:01:40.080 I've had thousands of conversations at this point as to 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.120 why people cheat, and other than this, ten percent of 0:01:43.160 --> 0:01:46.360 people who it's a pathological issue of sex addiction, narcissistic 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:49.240 personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder. 0:01:49.840 --> 0:01:51.000 Ninety percent of. 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:55.000 People who do cheat, Okay, they end up cheating because 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:57.240 they have I'm that needs for a long period of time, 0:01:57.680 --> 0:01:59.280 they don't know how to communicate about those needs to 0:01:59.320 --> 0:02:02.760 their partner. They eventually become resentful because they go, my 0:02:02.800 --> 0:02:05.160 partner was supposed to meet my needs. I feel that 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:07.720 they're not being met and it's not conscious, right, These 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:11.400 are these subconscious feelings of resentment, frustration people carry, and 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:13.959 as long as we have deeply unmet needs and then resentment, 0:02:14.600 --> 0:02:18.440 we start justifying when somebody does come along and offers 0:02:18.440 --> 0:02:20.320 to meet those needs. So, for example, if somebody felt 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:22.840 really unseen by their partner because their partner's not very 0:02:22.880 --> 0:02:26.200 present anymore, not curious about them, not asking them questions. 0:02:26.720 --> 0:02:28.919 And then we have somebody come into the workplace, for example, 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:32.160 that you're trauma bonded with. Perhaps who's sitting there going, 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:34.840 who's sitting there going, Oh, you know, how are you 0:02:34.880 --> 0:02:35.960 feeling about our boss? 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:37.160 What's been going on? 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:37.520 Oh? 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:39.080 Do you feel this way? I feel this way? 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:41.400 And suddenly they're making this person who for the last 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:44.680 decade in their marriage has felt completely unseen, they make 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:47.520 this person feel very seen. Well, now the mind starts 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.080 justifying people would always follow the same path. They go, Oh, 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:52.480 my partner doesn't care about me anyways. They never make 0:02:52.520 --> 0:02:54.359 me feel seen, so who cares that I'm starting to 0:02:54.360 --> 0:02:55.120 build this connection. 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:56.080 It's just a text. 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.000 It's fine, and it seems to always follow this very 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:03.320 specific thread that becomes a slippery slope where people are going, okay, well, 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:07.200 frustrated anyways, at home, then somebody meets those needs. And 0:03:07.240 --> 0:03:09.079 now that seems to be what opens the candiforms. 0:03:09.240 --> 0:03:15.760 What do you define as cheating? Oh, excellent question. 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:18.040 So my answer is not simple. 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:22.160 I truly believe cheating has to be an individuated discussion 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:25.160 between two people, because we'll have some people and I mean, 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:26.440 you can just look at the scope of the types 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:29.520 of relationships that exist nowadays, where some people are polyamorous 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:32.600 and some people are very loyal. You know, I myself 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:34.040 tend to be a little bit more on the side 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:37.360 of of you know, any kind of emotional affair would 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:41.040 absolutely be cheating, and other people that I've had conversations 0:03:41.080 --> 0:03:42.680 with say, oh, well, if it's just an emotional affair, 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:45.440 it's really the physical part that counts, and of course 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:47.320 we'd have to work through it. But if somebody's just 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:49.560 saying that they have feelings, it's not as big of 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.160 a deal. So it really I've had so many conversations 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:55.080 with people along such a continuum of answers to that 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:57.400 question that I always say to people, when you get 0:03:57.400 --> 0:03:59.840 into a long term relationship, if you're going to come 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:03.320 to somebody, have that conversation immediately. As soon as you're 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:04.400 having this commitment conversation. 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:04.640 Good. 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:06.560 What does commitment mean to you? If we're going to 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:09.320 be committed, does that mean like what's off the table? 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:11.640 What's on the table. Let's have a really clear conversation. 0:04:11.760 --> 0:04:15.480 Because another thing I saw so often is that people 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:17.440 would come in and they would have an emotional affair 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:19.599 on their partner. Come in when I was working in 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:21.719 my private practice and say, but it was just an 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:24.240 emotional affair, it wasn't cheating, and their partner would say no, No, 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:27.520 an emotional affair is absolutely cheating. And they had never 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:30.640 defined those boundaries. And because they didn't define them, then 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:34.120 the person who did the cheating would turn around and say, well, 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.040 if I had known that, I never would have done it. 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:37.559 Well, that feels a little guest lady. 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:41.240 I have a follow up to that too, And then 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:42.960 I want to pose you a question to KB. 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:51.760 But this feels a little unsafe, but within so because 0:04:51.800 --> 0:04:56.520 I have a very strong opinion about this question that 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:57.320 I'm asking you. 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:03.039 But when someone breaks that either emotional that cheats, whether 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:08.080 it's emotionally or physically, do you think couples can survive 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:10.680 that cheating scandal? 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:13.479 Okay, So I spent a lot of time working with 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:15.960 people on this, and again it's a slightly different there 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:18.039 tends to be almost like one way or the other. 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.560 So about fifty percent of people you'll see they just say, nope, 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:24.240 non negotiable, don't want to work through it, wouldn't even bother, 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:25.760 don't want to be looking over my shoulder. 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:28.680 And I very much respect that. Now. A lot of 0:05:28.720 --> 0:05:29.800 times that group of. 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:31.960 People also, not that this is the only reason, but 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:33.560 a lot of times there are usually people who are 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:36.000 not necessarily married, have a mortgage, have young children. 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:38.200 It's just a non negotiable. 0:05:37.600 --> 0:05:41.520 And when you don't have exactly. 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:43.560 And so I understand that it's different for different people. 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:45.720 I probably myself would lead a little more that direction, 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.400 with things a little more cut and dry, because of 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:49.680 my own childhood experiences. 0:05:49.760 --> 0:05:50.960 Everybody's so unique. 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:53.159 A lot of couples that I've worked with are sitting 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:54.560 there and a lot of people are saying no, no, no, 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:58.360 we would definitely work through it. I believe that there's 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:01.120 one way only to work through cheating, and if you 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:05.800 don't do these steps, that you're just suppressing how you 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:07.520 felt and you're not actually fixing things. 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:09.920 And if you're doing that, you're always looking over your shoulder. 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:11.960 Why do I feel like my heart and my stomach 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:13.640 or something like it? 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:17.359 Because there's steps the trauma. Yeah, but what are the steps? 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:20.320 Okay, So here's the first steps. And it's not for 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:22.000 the faint of heart. I'll just forewarn you. 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:22.880 Okay, that's okay. 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:26.320 Because people go through and get cheated on because of 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:30.560 unmet needs and not communicating those unmet needs. Then they 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:32.680 end up the subconscious mind is the needs meeting machine. 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:34.239 It's going to find ways to get our needs met. 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:35.919 The person who did the cheating, it's on them. They 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:38.080 didn't communicate their needs, then they looked outside of the 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:41.120 relationship it is. It is absolutely on them. But the 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:44.520 person who gets cheated on when they don't have context 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:47.800 for why their partner or spouse cheated and then they 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:50.239 try to rebuild trust, it's like asking them to blindly trust. 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:52.280 You don't know the root cause of why the person cheated. 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:54.160 So now when you're just trying to work through it, 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:56.400 you're supposed to close your eyes and hope that everything 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:58.680 is going to be okay and get back in there. No, 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:02.080 people really need context for healing. So it's not for 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:04.480 the faint of heart. We start people who get cheated 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:07.320 on and they have to literally air everything it made 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:09.840 them feel. This is how it affected me, These are 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:11.880 my fears. Now, these are the things that they're going 0:07:11.920 --> 0:07:13.280 to come up in the future, and the person who 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:15.920 did the cheating they have to come up with strategies 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:19.160 to help repair. So it has to be like more transparency, 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:22.800 more context until trust is a lot more repaired. Maybe 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:24.120 you have to say where you're going all the time, 0:07:24.160 --> 0:07:26.000 maybe your path, where it's off your phone, maybe there's 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:28.840 you know, actual things you can agree upon, and the 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:30.960 person who did the cheating has to really hear and 0:07:31.040 --> 0:07:33.960 take in and be present with and validate that person's 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:37.000 feelings and experiences. Now, this is where it gets interesting. 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:39.040 That is hard for the person that has done the 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.680 cheating because they're so in their shame that they get 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.840 either defensive or they don't like that it's brought up 0:07:46.240 --> 0:07:49.720 because they're exactly they're dealing with their own shame around 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:53.840 it and their own, you know, their own feelings, and 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:55.920 so that's why I feel like that's always been the 0:07:55.920 --> 0:07:56.679 trickiest piece. 0:07:57.760 --> 0:07:59.320 Yes, but it also tells you a lot about the 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.680 cheater because if they can't do that, are you going 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:03.840 to really want to trust them long term in a relationship. 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:05.880 I mean that we have to be able to do 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:07.720 the work and repair. And I always tell people who 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:10.040 get cheated on vet how they respond to that part. 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:12.200 You take a look and watch how they respond, because 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:13.880 it's going to tell you a lot about the potential 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:16.960 future of the relationship. The flip side of this is 0:08:16.960 --> 0:08:20.640 where it gets really interesting, which is then the person 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:23.800 who got cheated on has to hear their partners why. 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:27.280 And I always tell people in advance it's not going 0:08:27.360 --> 0:08:30.640 to feel good and it's their fault for not communicating 0:08:30.640 --> 0:08:33.880 to what their unmet needs were. Absolutely, but unless you 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:35.800 hear the why and then you actually have steps to 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:38.720 repair for that as well, then the person who got 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:41.960 cheated on, they're being asked to blindly trust and. 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:44.160 They think, oh, my partner cheated, they could just cheat again. 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:46.880 It's almost like a game of Russian roulette rather than 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:50.160 actually hearing. Okay, I didn't know how to ask you, 0:08:50.240 --> 0:08:52.960 but physical affection is my love language. I needed to 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:56.120 be more touchy feely. I wasn't getting that. Whatever it 0:08:56.160 --> 0:08:58.640 might be, there's many different situations. Somebody feels unseen, they 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.679 didn't feel protected, they felt unheard, they didn't feel like 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:04.439 they were a priority, whatever those situations are. If that 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:07.400 person who cheated doesn't do the work to go inwards, 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:09.160 figure out what those unmet needs. 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:12.640 Were, share it in a non blaming way, and then. 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:16.400 Actually request for steps for reparation to bridge that gap 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.520 so they're actually working on these things together, then instead 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:21.160 the person's just feeling like they're always. 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:21.880 Looking over their shoulder. 0:09:22.320 --> 0:09:25.120 And so both people have to talk about what happened 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:27.480 when they got cheated on and were what are my 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:29.800 unmet needs now and how do we repair for those 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:31.360 And they have to be seen and heard and their 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:34.240 emotions validated. And then the person doing the cheating has 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:36.520 to say, here's the root cause that I wasn't sharing, 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:39.200 that I wasn't communicating. Can we work to repair that? 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:41.760 And it gives the person who is cheated on a 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:44.840 sense of control because they go, Okay, well, now I 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:46.880 know if we're working on these root cause issues together, 0:09:47.400 --> 0:09:49.440 at least I know that that was the reason that 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:52.960 you cheated. Now we communicate openly, and now we're preventing 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:55.120 that in advance. And what's really important is when you 0:09:55.160 --> 0:09:59.160 look at secure people in relationships, people who report about 0:09:59.160 --> 0:10:02.520 a fifty percent group of people who report rarely ever 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:05.719 even considering cheating. They're the least likely to cheat in relationships, 0:10:06.000 --> 0:10:08.359 and the report that being the most fulfilled in relationships 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:11.360 on an ongoing basis. And these are an anonymous polls. 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:13.960 These are not through you know, people saying in front 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:16.600 of their partner, right, this is their their truth. This 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.359 group of people, what they do very effectively in relationships 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:22.720 is they talk about their needs to each other regularly 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:26.720 and check in and work to bridge strategies and gaps 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:29.240 to meet each other's needs. And if they're unmet, they 0:10:29.240 --> 0:10:31.880 feel comfortable being vulnerable and talking about it. And that's 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:34.920 the antidote to infidelity in my opinion, other than that 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:38.360 subgroup of people who struggle with infidelity because of pathological 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:40.520 reasons like narcissistic personality disorder. 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:41.200 Yeah. 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:43.559 Do you think once a cheat are always a cheater? 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:47.319 No? I like it, I truly do not. Yeah. 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:49.640 And the reason is I've seen it persthand and worked 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:53.640 with so many people firsthand. And once a cheater, always 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:55.439 a cheater applies if somebody's not doing. 0:10:55.240 --> 0:10:58.440 The work, Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:00.160 I mean that would be like me saying, because I mean, 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:02.280 I cheated in my past, but I had so much 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:05.199 in my twenties, you know that I didn't know how 0:11:05.200 --> 0:11:07.560 to do it. But now I couldn't even like ome my. 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:10.960 Yead like the stomachache I get if like yeah, long 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:13.320 guide text me one off to be like, is Monday 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:15.520 better than Tuesday for the when I'm like blood group 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:19.240 text yeah yeah. 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:22.120 And so that's and you know, some people have like 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:26.560 a predisposition because of their conditioning and their upbringing to 0:11:26.600 --> 0:11:29.800 being to valuing loyalty very strongly. Usually actually people who 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:32.679 went through a substantial amount of early childhood trauma, they 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:36.840 really put loyalty at a high value. And so we 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:40.080 have people who will wait things differently. But at the 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.080 root it's kind of irrelevant in the long run, because 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:43.640 you can have extremely loyal people with a lot of 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:45.920 trauma and then they still may very well stray and 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:48.199 that's because they're trying to regulate and soothe and get 0:11:48.200 --> 0:11:50.760 their needs met and don't know how to communicate. But 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:53.000 truly that like gold standard, as if you've done the 0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:55.439 work so you know how to communicate openly and be vulnerable, 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:58.160 you know what your needs are. And now both people 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:01.800 in a relationship, talk about needs, freequent, and share and 0:12:02.160 --> 0:12:05.439 are vulnerable with one another, then you're very unlikely to 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:07.760 see cheating in long term relationships. 0:12:07.120 --> 0:12:09.559 I guess that's why it surprised me then, because I 0:12:09.600 --> 0:12:12.480 feel like our generation is a lot more. We communicate more, 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:15.400 we have boundaries, we say what we you know, what 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:17.800 we want and need and feel. That's why I guess 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:22.160 I'm surprised that there's an uptick in cheating because I 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:24.400 would just be like, this is what's happening, and if 0:12:24.440 --> 0:12:26.960 this doesn't change them out, you know, as opposed to 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:30.440 finding a connection with someone elsewhere. 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:46.440 Do you think it's easier now because of social media? 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:48.840 That's exactly right, That's what the data shows. Are is 0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:51.080 just going to say that. That's why. So where we 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:54.960 have this this benefit of the fact that you know, 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:57.400 we are communicating more, people are becoming more conscious and 0:12:57.440 --> 0:12:59.079 aware of what's going on in there in our world 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:01.640 and reality, and you know, these kinds of conversations are 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:05.079 much more mainstream nowadays. It's excellent, but we've also had 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:07.760 that met with this. You know, you can find somebody 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:12.080 very quickly. There's this sort of short term gratification dynamic 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:13.880 out there where if something's not working, now we do 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:17.760 see the uprise. The uptick in cheating tend to skew 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.040 very strongly, and it's a small uptick, but it's skews 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:24.040 strongly from that small eptick in general to people who 0:13:24.080 --> 0:13:27.360 are not in marriages, so just people who are committed 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:31.120 relationships who wouldgreate on being monogamous. But then you know, 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:33.679 we seem to see that they're I think they're very 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:36.640 much being targeted by social media. It's like, oh, if 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:38.640 something's not working, maybe I'm sort of on my way 0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:40.960 out of a relationship anyway, So okay, I'm just on 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:43.120 a dating app now briefly, or oh I'm just gonna 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:46.400 The convenience factor is also offsetting the fact that people 0:13:46.440 --> 0:13:47.880 are becoming more conscious and aware. 0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.400 And there's so much secrecy too with social media, Like 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:54.280 you know, there's vanish mode and there's snapchat where things 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:56.680 just go away and there's no evidence. So I feel 0:13:56.720 --> 0:14:00.360 like it just enables people that want to do that 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:02.600 a little bit more, which I hate. 0:14:02.800 --> 0:14:07.160 But and that's a big vetting question, Like to be honest, 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:09.000 what you know, what I always tell people to look 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:11.480 for when they're looking for secure partners is early on, 0:14:11.520 --> 0:14:13.280 when you're dating somebody in the first six months and 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:16.440 getting to know them, or if you're working on reparation after. 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:23.520 Having a baby relationship, Well, you see here, doctor, our 0:14:23.560 --> 0:14:27.000 timeline the vetting was like a little bit like opposite 0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:29.880 day for us, and so we vetted after. But that's okay. 0:14:30.640 --> 0:14:32.440 But that's okay because you can still bet and make 0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:34.640 sure that somebody is in there and doing the work 0:14:34.680 --> 0:14:35.840 and willing to communicate. 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:37.320 But what is the vetting process? 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:41.480 Say you're going to do it, do it right? Okay? 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:44.160 Great question Number one? Are we doing a weekly needs 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:45.720 check in? Are we both aware of what our needs 0:14:45.720 --> 0:14:47.880 are that make us feel loved and connected? And are 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:49.520 we checking it on a weekly basis with it that 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:51.960 should be a non negotiable and every relationship. In my opinion, 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:54.760 the half an hour conversation it takes over Sunday dinner 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:58.800 once a week saves you hours of unnecessary arguments and 0:14:58.920 --> 0:15:01.560 drama and challenge, and so it's really important people learn 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:04.440 what they actually need and not to go too far 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:07.720 down the tangent there. But people's needs are very different 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:09.600 and as a set point, we all tend to love 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:12.760 people according to our needs. So you could take somebody 0:15:12.800 --> 0:15:15.520 in a relationship who wants to feel seen and they 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:17.480 try to be very present with their partner and make 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:20.080 them feel seen. But maybe they're partner is a novelty 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:22.280 person and they like to explore together and that's how 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:26.640 they feel loved. And so if we're just loving people 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:29.720 on autopilot, we're usually loving people through our own programming 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:31.960 and it may not even reach your land with another 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:35.200 person properly. So it's the thing that sustains relationships the 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:37.040 most long term is what are our needs and do 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.000 we know how to articulate them to one another? And 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:42.480 actually vetting Step number two becomes do we see effort? 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:45.240 Because if you're just communicating but then somebody's well, yeah, 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:47.600 i'll meet your need. We'll all be more present one 0:15:47.640 --> 0:15:49.880 day when I'm not so busy, but they don't actually 0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:51.880 come and put in the work and take those action steps. 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:54.440 Then that's a really important and meaningful red flag. If 0:15:54.440 --> 0:15:56.880 your needs are not met now just by communicating them, 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:59.320 there's a very high chance that they're not ever going 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:01.240 to be met. Somebody is not willing to take that 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:03.440 step of effort. And then the other thing that we 0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:05.800 really want to make sure that we're doing is seeing 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:10.360 vulnerability in relationships. You know, if both people go into relationships, 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:12.040 and vulnerability is a hard thing if you have a 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:15.120 lot of trauma, but again you can be doing the 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:17.040 work and overcome that. And so a lot of times 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:21.080 we see people who don't share vulnerably, and if they're not, 0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:24.160 then they're going to look to sue in other ways 0:16:24.720 --> 0:16:26.440 that are probably going to be less healthy. If we 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:28.440 don't want to be vulnerable with our partner, then we're 0:16:28.480 --> 0:16:31.360 going to you know, get frustrated about unnecessary things that 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:34.520 are unrelated, a form of displacing someone's anger. Like let's 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:37.000 say they're upset that you're home late. They don't share it. 0:16:37.040 --> 0:16:40.480 They get upset that you were running late to bring 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:42.200 the kids to school in the morning, and they get 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:43.920 really angry about that, but it was about something the 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:46.720 day before. If we can't communicate through problems, we have 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:49.360 a problem. It's going to be long lasting. So those 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:52.280 are really important things to be looking for. And if 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:55.800 we see those things, those are generally like foundational green 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:58.840 flags that allow relationships to function very healthily. 0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:02.280 And it's got the Personal Development School, so it includes 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:07.000 sixty five plus courses guided exercises, live support. Do you 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:10.600 is it meant to do with your partner or is 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:12.880 it solo exercises or what is it? 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:15.840 Yeah, So it's basically we have people come in, they 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:18.320 can take programs. So if they want to repair after 0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:21.639 rupture through cheating and fidelity, there's a program directly for that, 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:24.680 if they want to heal their attachment patterns and relationships, 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:26.840 it's all for your subconscious minds. What it allows you 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:29.320 to actually rewire because a lot I think one of 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:31.000 my bones to pick a little bit, is that right 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:33.160 now we have a lot of people learning things consciously, 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:37.359 but subconscious your subconscious minds responsible for ninety five percent 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:40.679 of your choices. So unless we actually do subconscious rewiring work, 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:43.080 that then affects the rest of our nervous system. We 0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:45.320 just intellectualize information all the time, we may not really 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:47.840 get the results. So the Personal Development school is built 0:17:47.840 --> 0:17:49.399 for that. You can do it on your own or 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:51.320 with the partner, and there's just different program tracks that 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:53.439 you can come in by taking a survey what am 0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:56.680 I struggling with the most, and then it will pop 0:17:56.680 --> 0:17:59.040 out recommendations for you and then you can go on 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:00.000 those tracks accordingly. 0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:00.919 I love you. 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:04.080 I really wish you were right here, and I honestly 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:05.679 wish Preston and I could come have a seat on 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:09.040 your couch. Yeah, no like drama, but just like even 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:12.280 the weekly check ins. Yeah that's He's not a super 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:12.760 thing that. 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:13.600 Alan and I do. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:17.239