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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

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Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

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Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship

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Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me for session to one of the

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Speaker 1: Therapy be for Black Girls Podcast. We'll jump into the

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Speaker 1: episode after a word from our sponsors. Netflix just wrapped

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Speaker 1: up season two of its hit reality show Love Is Blind,

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Speaker 1: and y'all know we had to discuss joining me again

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Speaker 1: today to chat about what we saw this season. Is

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Speaker 1: Beverly Andre. Beverly is a licensed marriage and family therapist,

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Speaker 1: relationship coach, and founder of v Heart Counseling Services. She

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Speaker 1: and I chatted about how this season compared to season one,

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Speaker 1: the impact of having your relationship chronicles so publicly, and

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Speaker 1: whether a relationship can survive if there is not an

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Speaker 1: instant attraction. If there's something that resonates with you while

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Speaker 1: enjoying our conversation, please share with us on social media

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Speaker 1: using the hashtag TVG in session, or join us over

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Speaker 1: in the Sister Circle. To talk more in depth about

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Speaker 1: the episode. You can join us at community dot therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. Here's our conversation. Well, I

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Speaker 1: am so excited to chat with you again, Beverly, my

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Speaker 1: fellow colleague and friend in the pop culture loving world.

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Speaker 1: I know it's a rare few, but we're out here.

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Speaker 1: We are out here, okay, watching all the things so

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Speaker 1: that y'all don't have to or that you might be

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Speaker 1: inspired to exactly. So, we have just seen the wrap

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Speaker 1: up of season two of Love is Blind, and so

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Speaker 1: I am curious to hear thoughts. So this is an

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Speaker 1: unedited conversation because we haven't checked in with one another

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Speaker 1: about how we feel, right, we haven't been tweeting back

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Speaker 1: and forth about it, So I don't even know how

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Speaker 1: you are feeling about season two. So tell me how

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Speaker 1: would you compare season two to season one? Like? Did

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Speaker 1: you love it more less? Was it about the same?

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Speaker 1: I think that when it got to the reunion that

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Speaker 1: that's when I became invested because I felt like some

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Speaker 1: of the storyline lines, I felt like we had higher

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Speaker 1: expectations for season two versus season one. He had Lauren

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Speaker 1: and we were all rooting for her, and it was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, like a sister and she found true

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Speaker 1: love and all of that, and then so we're like, okay,

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Speaker 1: well they have more sisters on this season. So we

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Speaker 1: were like, Okay, well, let's see what they're gonna do.

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Speaker 1: Let's see how they continue with the same energy of

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Speaker 1: season one. And I think a lot of people kind

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Speaker 1: of let down because there wasn't a clear couple to

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Speaker 1: root for. It felt like, oh, who am I going

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Speaker 1: to root for? I guess type of I guess who's left?

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Speaker 1: I guess. So, you know, I have definitely been thinking

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Speaker 1: about that too, because it definitely felt like it was

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Speaker 1: such a new experiment, right Like, we also both watched

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Speaker 1: Mary at First Sight, and so this felt kind of

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Speaker 1: in the same vein, and I think it's actually the

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Speaker 1: same production company, so that makes sense that it feel similar.

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Speaker 1: But it was also like a unique twist, right that

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Speaker 1: they wouldn't even see each other and they had to

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Speaker 1: form this whole relationship through these pods. And so season

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Speaker 1: one I thought was really fresh and really exciting and interesting,

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Speaker 1: and then season two, You're right, I also had high

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Speaker 1: expectations because I really enjoyed season one, and I did

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Speaker 1: feel like season two was a bit of a letdown

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Speaker 1: because I just wasn't as invested in like the cast

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Speaker 1: in the same way. And I wonder how much of

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Speaker 1: that is due to the fact that season one was

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Speaker 1: such a smash, right, and so they had the benefit

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Speaker 1: of nobody having been on that show before for season one,

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Speaker 1: whereas season two, then I think you get into like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: are these people actually here to kind of be honest

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Speaker 1: and go through the experiment? Are these people who want

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Speaker 1: to like get an influencer career popping off or Hollywood?

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Speaker 1: Like what are their real motivations? And so it felt

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Speaker 1: like I didn't necessarily like as many of the cast

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Speaker 1: members this season as I did it last season, right,

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Speaker 1: And what you said about the familiarity with married at

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Speaker 1: First Sight and love, I felt that even more this season.

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Speaker 1: And I think that season one we gave this show

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Speaker 1: a lot of benefit of the doubt because we had

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Speaker 1: no expectations. We really didn't know, and so it was

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Speaker 1: like a welcoming surprise. And I feel in my heart

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Speaker 1: of hearts that people started becoming a little bit more

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Speaker 1: skeptic to see, Oh, will people actually fall in love

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Speaker 1: this time around? M right, because with Lauren and Cameron,

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Speaker 1: it was just like, oh my gosh, they made it.

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Speaker 1: This actually works. Now the second time around, well does

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Speaker 1: it really work? We don't know. You don't know. And

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Speaker 1: it definitely seemed like, you know, especially some contestants in particular,

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Speaker 1: it felt like the first season like people really went

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Speaker 1: into it with this idea that, Okay, I am going

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Speaker 1: to get to know these people outside of like anything physical,

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Speaker 1: Whereas this season it definitely felt like people were trying

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Speaker 1: to gauge, like Shakes infamous question around would I'd be

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Speaker 1: able to pick you up at a concert and put

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Speaker 1: you on my show? This kind of thing, Like, so

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Speaker 1: people were trying to gauge some physicality. I think that

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Speaker 1: I don't remember seeing as much with the first season, right.

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Speaker 1: I think Shake definitely represented what a lot of people

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Speaker 1: thought was going to be present in season one, like Oh,

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Speaker 1: it's gonna be superficial, Oh it's only gonna be sexy

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Speaker 1: looking people, and I think that the show definitely took

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Speaker 1: that into account because there's plus size women. I mean,

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Speaker 1: they disappeared. I mean, we don't know what happened. We

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Speaker 1: don't know what happened, but I think they were more

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Speaker 1: conscientious about how people responded to season one and how

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Speaker 1: they crave the authenticity, well as authentic as you can

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Speaker 1: get with reality TV. People won't love. People want to

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Speaker 1: go to the ends of the earth hoping that this

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Speaker 1: is something that's actually attainable, and I think that's what

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Speaker 1: season one gave. Season one gave that, like you can

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Speaker 1: actually find it in the most weird moments. They're unique circumstances,

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Speaker 1: you can find it. And I think people are looking

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Speaker 1: to see, can I still find love? Is it true?

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Speaker 1: Well this formula work for me? Or is this going

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Speaker 1: to be something that was for entertainment? Okay, hook and Sinker,

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Speaker 1: you got me? Wow? Yeah. Yeah. The interesting thing about

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Speaker 1: this and I feel like this is like a mash

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Speaker 1: up conversation between Love is Blind and Married at First Sight,

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Speaker 1: because I think that there are some similarities and so

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Speaker 1: the premise for both of these shows is that there

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Speaker 1: is like something in your normal dating life that hasn't

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Speaker 1: been working, right, So I try to do the online

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Speaker 1: dating sites. I try to ask friends to recommendations, you know,

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Speaker 1: paying attention in the grocery so to see who might

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Speaker 1: be interesting, right, And none of that is working, And

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Speaker 1: so now I'm want to try this thing that is

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Speaker 1: maybe like a more extreme dating so to speak. And

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Speaker 1: I would love to hear your thoughts about do you

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Speaker 1: think there is some truth to having an outsider decide

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Speaker 1: what's good for you or like going against what you're

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Speaker 1: typically interested in, because that seems to be like the

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Speaker 1: piece that is the key. Like in Mare the First Sight,

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Speaker 1: there's the panel of experts, not necessarily matchmakers, but experts

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Speaker 1: who pair the people. And then, of course, on Love

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Speaker 1: is Blind, you're going into it with Okay, I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna lead with physical attraction. I'm going to try to

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Speaker 1: lead with something else. So what do you think about that?

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Speaker 1: It's really interesting that you were like someone needs to

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Speaker 1: take over, when for me, I see it as a

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Speaker 1: collaborative approach. I feel like the people show up and

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Speaker 1: say these are my expectations, these are the things that

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Speaker 1: have been working for me, these are the things that

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Speaker 1: have not been working for me, Like there's something that

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Speaker 1: they give. They give information or data, right, and these

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Speaker 1: experts take that data and then they formerly a plan

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Speaker 1: with the hopes that it'll yield the results that the

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Speaker 1: person ultimately wants to see, which is being in partnership.

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Speaker 1: And just like with every experiment, you hope that it

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Speaker 1: works out, but it's not a guarantee. You try to

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Speaker 1: remove as many barriers as possible to see whether or

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Speaker 1: not the desired outcome can occur. Yeah, and it might

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Speaker 1: work like it might not because you have the human element, right,

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Speaker 1: you can't control what people ultimately do. But if I'm saying, oh, like,

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like people get to know me because

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Speaker 1: they get sucked into what I look like or all

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Speaker 1: of these things. So what are you gonna do? Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's remove the barrier of looks. Let's see if personality

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Speaker 1: is enough, and then secondary looks can be an added

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Speaker 1: bonus or like, figure out what's not working in your

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Speaker 1: dating life, and then let's capitalize on all the other things.

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Speaker 1: So I'm glad you brought up the issue of attraction

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Speaker 1: because again I think that that is like a key

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Speaker 1: element in both of these shows, right, is that you

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Speaker 1: are kind of leaving it up to chance that you

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Speaker 1: may be attracted to this person, but you know that

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Speaker 1: you won't know because you are not like picking for yourself.

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Speaker 1: And so it does seem like for the couples who

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Speaker 1: have a better chance of the relationship lasting, it seems

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Speaker 1: like one of the key factors is that there is

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Speaker 1: that like initial attraction, and it seems like the couples

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Speaker 1: who there is not that initial attraction. I don't know

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Speaker 1: any instance besides Doug and Jamie from whatever season of

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Speaker 1: Merit at first sight, and that might still be questionable.

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Speaker 1: You're taking the sick people can't see that, but I

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Speaker 1: see you. But they are the only ones that I

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Speaker 1: can remember where there wasn't an instant attraction, but they

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Speaker 1: like work to overcome that and then they continued in

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Speaker 1: the relationship. And so role does attraction actually play in

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Speaker 1: like a long term, satisfying, healthy relationship. Attraction is tied

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Speaker 1: to desire. It's tied to sexual attraction, like do I

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Speaker 1: want to have sex with you? Do I want to

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Speaker 1: kiss you? Do I want to cuddle with you? However,

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Speaker 1: attraction is not the end all be all to that

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Speaker 1: you can build on that. I think people are fixated

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Speaker 1: with the type. People have their type, and when you

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Speaker 1: allow your fixation with your type to put you in

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Speaker 1: a box. Anything outside of that, you don't even give

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Speaker 1: it credit. You don't allow yourself to be open to

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Speaker 1: building attraction, right because at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: you can say you want X, Y and Z, but

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Speaker 1: that's not lasting. Anything could happen. What if they get

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Speaker 1: into a car accident and they're disfigured. What if there's

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Speaker 1: a fire, What if they start graying early. There's just

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Speaker 1: so many things that can affect somebody's appearance. If you

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Speaker 1: allow that to be the bulk of why you're with someone,

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Speaker 1: it's not enough to keep you in the relationship. And

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Speaker 1: so I think seeing Jamie from mass Yes, Doug was

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Speaker 1: not her type, but I think that she's attracted to

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Speaker 1: her husband and they got kids. They report that they

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Speaker 1: are happily married and that they're in love with each

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Speaker 1: other and that they're attracted to each other, and eventually

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Speaker 1: she chose to work on that, like, can I be

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Speaker 1: attracted to this person? Because attraction can be Oh, you're

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Speaker 1: washing the dishes for me, and that allows me the

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Speaker 1: ability to go sit down and relax. Oh you take

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Speaker 1: care of me all of these things build attraction. All

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Speaker 1: these things are for play. All of these things makes

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Speaker 1: that person that you're with or considering sexier. It's not

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Speaker 1: just what they look like, because you can find someone

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Speaker 1: who's fine and their attitude and everything else is just trash.

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Speaker 1: Very good point, and so do you have some tips

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Speaker 1: for how attraction builds later? You're right in all of that, right,

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Speaker 1: Like anything can change, and like we know, attraction waxes

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Speaker 1: and waynes throughout the life cycle of a relationship. But

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Speaker 1: it does feel like, at least from these shows, it's

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Speaker 1: harder when that initial attraction is not there. So if

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Speaker 1: you know, if somebody is not in a reality TV

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Speaker 1: kind of situation, what kinds of things can be done

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Speaker 1: to build attraction into a relationship if it's not there initially?

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Speaker 1: I think really taking a look at what your type

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Speaker 1: is or why they're not attractive to you. If you're

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Speaker 1: looking for someone who is way over six ft, but

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Speaker 1: the guy that is pursuing you is under six feet,

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Speaker 1: are you going to reconsider does that make Moss attractive

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Speaker 1: because he's shorter? You know what I mean? I think

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Speaker 1: about what the attraction is tied to. Okay, you want

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Speaker 1: somebody who has a six pack, he has a two

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Speaker 1: or no back. That's something that could change. If working

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Speaker 1: out is important to you, and you're like, don't I

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Speaker 1: find it so sexy when you're like physically active and

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Speaker 1: like I would love for you to join me and

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Speaker 1: running or babe us go on a walk or anything

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Speaker 1: under the sun. That person's willingness to like, Okay, well

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Speaker 1: my partner likes this, Let me take that into consideration.

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Speaker 1: Or you're dating and you hear the person, oh, I

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Speaker 1: love that cologne that you're wearing. You may not find

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Speaker 1: them attractive, but something about that cologne is attracting you.

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Speaker 1: Being conscientious to what are the things that you do like,

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Speaker 1: because if you start looking for all the things that

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Speaker 1: you don't like, there's no way to build an attractive

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Speaker 1: to somebody that you're continuously analyzing and chipping away, right,

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Speaker 1: So you gotta be careful with that. Be careful about

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Speaker 1: your typecasting to you, because you may just be considered

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Speaker 1: as that guy or that girl that oh yeah, like,

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Speaker 1: don't even bother talking to them because they only want

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Speaker 1: the Instagram model, or they only want the guy who

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Speaker 1: can inflex on the beach. Like people gotta like you

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Speaker 1: to be like builds attraction, So there needs to be

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Speaker 1: something with your personality that allows someone to be attracted

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Speaker 1: to to like being around you. You know, you bring

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Speaker 1: up a really good point around looking for the things

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Speaker 1: that you do like about them as opposed to like

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Speaker 1: constantly analyzing and being critical of the things that you

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Speaker 1: don't like. Because I definitely feel like now I feel

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Speaker 1: like some other stuff is probably going on with Shape too,

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Speaker 1: but I definitely feel like that is what was happening

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Speaker 1: in his relationship with Deept. You know, at least from

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Speaker 1: what we saw, there would be all this conversation around

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Speaker 1: like how she was such a great partner and she

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Speaker 1: was helping him like rethink things in his business, and

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Speaker 1: he felt like for this next leg of his career,

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Speaker 1: she would be somebody who would be a great support

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Speaker 1: and could really like do a lot. He could see

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Speaker 1: himself building a life with her. But there was not

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Speaker 1: the attraction right And he would of course let anybody

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Speaker 1: who would listen say that as often as he could.

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Speaker 1: But I definitely feel like he was being were critical

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Speaker 1: throughout this season about her looks. I know that they

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Speaker 1: said that there were other comments that were made that

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Speaker 1: were just terrible. What they showed wasn't that bad. I

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Speaker 1: do have quiets who are from Indian culture, Indian backgrounds,

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Speaker 1: and one of the things that they've talked to me

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Speaker 1: about is how colorism plays a factor and how certain

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Speaker 1: regions and certain aesthetic is supported more than others. And

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Speaker 1: it was very clear to me that both Deeply and

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Speaker 1: Shake said that they've never dated another round person before,

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Speaker 1: and I feel like that's very telling because in conversation

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Speaker 1: with one of the people that is from the same background,

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Speaker 1: they said that the lighter you are, the better because

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Speaker 1: the goal is to lighten up the lineage. And Prianka,

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Speaker 1: she's not that light. She is of darker skin, and

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Speaker 1: in the conversation about t they were like, she contradicts

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Speaker 1: what certain families would want. I don't know if you've

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Speaker 1: ever seen Indian Matchmaker on Netflix, but that was one

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Speaker 1: of the key issues that was talked about. So I

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Speaker 1: really wondered how much of a cultural influence impacted Shake's

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Speaker 1: ability to even consider her as a partner beyond the physical.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying what he was saying was right or

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Speaker 1: anything like that, but I think it would behoove us

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Speaker 1: to look at that cultural aspect to see that if

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Speaker 1: he could even allow himself to be attracted to her

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Speaker 1: because of the background, you know what I mean, right, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I think that that was one of the more

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Speaker 1: interesting pieces of the conversations we saw between Shake and

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Speaker 1: Deep with that they both had not dated other brown people, right,

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Speaker 1: and so it did seem at least like they recognized like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is actually pretty cool, Like it's cool to be

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Speaker 1: talking with somebody who knows like all this family stuff

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Speaker 1: and knows why I would want to dress a particular

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Speaker 1: way on the wedding and have these rituals and you know,

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Speaker 1: these kinds of things. And so I think at least

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Speaker 1: for Deep Dee, it sounds like in listening to interviews

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Speaker 1: with her post show, now this is something that's more

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Speaker 1: attractive to her, right, Like she's interested in maybe dating

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Speaker 1: more brown people. I'm not sure if that is the

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Speaker 1: case for sure she didn't well, I don't know, is

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Speaker 1: that substantiated. I mean, I have definitely seen them like

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Speaker 1: playing around on Instagram, and I don't know, somebody posted

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Speaker 1: a video of them like they was on a day.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. They may just be friends. But I

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Speaker 1: think it was really interesting when Shaike was like it

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Speaker 1: feels like I'm dating my auntie, And I wonder if

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Speaker 1: because I was his first time ever dating somebody from

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Speaker 1: that same culture, that that familiarity felt familiar for him versus, Oh,

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Speaker 1: this is what it's like to date somebody where I

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Speaker 1: don't have to explain my background. And I think sometimes

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Speaker 1: when people are dating other folks who may have very

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Speaker 1: similar backgrounds, it becomes like a friend zone situation as

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Speaker 1: opposed to, Oh, like we have the same background or

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Speaker 1: similar backgrounds and we can vibe and we can connect.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that I still can't be attracted to you

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Speaker 1: because you're not completely different or opposite, because when you're

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Speaker 1: first dating, the difference is like exciting, Oh you like this,

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Speaker 1: or tell me more about this, as opposed to somebody

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Speaker 1: who has a very similar background and you, it's like, okay,

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Speaker 1: well what else is there for us to talk about?

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Speaker 1: Or what else is there about you that's interesting because

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Speaker 1: I feel like I know so much about you by

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Speaker 1: circumstances because we have very similar backgrounds. Got it? Got

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Speaker 1: it more from my conversation with Beverly after the break

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Speaker 1: the couple that, of course, I think probably it was

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00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,239
Speaker 1: most interesting to both you and I was now, now,

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Speaker 1: why are you leaning in? Like that was most interesting

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00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,720
Speaker 1: to you? And I was Ayanna and Jared. I would

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Speaker 1: definitely be honest in saying that I definitely had to

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Speaker 1: warm up to them as a couple after the whole

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Speaker 1: fiasco with like Mallory, right, because I feel like I

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00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:07,080
Speaker 1: overidentified with Ayana just being a sister, right, and like

344
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,479
Speaker 1: she was so vulnerable and like sharing like so much

345
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,879
Speaker 1: of her life experience, in her history, and the way

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Speaker 1: that she fell down in the hall after she had

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00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,159
Speaker 1: the conversation with Jerry where she found out that he

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00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:26,399
Speaker 1: had not proposed but proposed ish to Mallory felt like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, right, like you could just feel the despondency.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I don't even know what would be the best

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00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,640
Speaker 1: word to describe it. And then like she gave him

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Speaker 1: another chance, right, And so I'm like, oh, you better

353
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Speaker 1: not hurt her, You better not right. But it definitely

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00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,119
Speaker 1: seems like at least in you know, hearing them in

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Speaker 1: the reunion and like in post show conversations, it definitely

356
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,440
Speaker 1: feels like they have had lots of conversations about how

357
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Speaker 1: all of that went down, and you know, in honesty,

358
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Speaker 1: I mean, I guess it is kind of a part

359
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,639
Speaker 1: of the experiment, right that you are dating multiple people,

360
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,840
Speaker 1: but the way that that all transpired, and again we

361
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,760
Speaker 1: don't have timestamp, so we don't even know like what

362
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,440
Speaker 1: day did he have this conversation with Mallory versus with Ayana,

363
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,880
Speaker 1: And so it felt like it was in quick succession, right,

364
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,320
Speaker 1: Like it felt like it was a day or two

365
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,119
Speaker 1: maybe that had passed. But I definitely have warmed up

366
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Speaker 1: to them. It does feel like they have done a

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00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,400
Speaker 1: lot of work. It feels like to kind of get

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00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,919
Speaker 1: on the same page in terms of being a couple.

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00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 1: He has apologized both probably and publicly for how all

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00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,960
Speaker 1: of that played out. So I'm just wondering if you

371
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,680
Speaker 1: have any thoughts about what you saw go down with them.

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Speaker 1: I have a lot of thoughts. I have a lot

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Speaker 1: of thoughts because it's it's like a both and for me,

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Speaker 1: I'm not like super on one side. Like at the

375
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,280
Speaker 1: end of the day, Yes, it is a show where

376
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Speaker 1: you're dating multiple people to see who you fit with, right,

377
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:52,400
Speaker 1: so it was very plausible that something like this would

378
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,920
Speaker 1: have happened between Jared Mallory and Iana. I get it.

379
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,040
Speaker 1: I will say seeing good cysts in the Hall, and

380
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,000
Speaker 1: when she sank, I sank with her. I slid off

381
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,240
Speaker 1: my couch. I was like, oh, because I felt that.

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00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,760
Speaker 1: And the reason why I felt that was because not

383
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:15,800
Speaker 1: ever knowing if somebody is with you because they want

384
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,760
Speaker 1: to be with you or because of circumstance is hard.

385
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:26,160
Speaker 1: Like I remember listening to Gabrielle Union her book wasn't

386
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,240
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna need more with wine? I think

387
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,520
Speaker 1: the first one of the second one, the second one

388
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:35,320
Speaker 1: got anything stronger, not anything stronger, yes, And she was like,

389
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 1: I will never know for sure whether or not doing

390
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,159
Speaker 1: this with me because he wants to be with me

391
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:44,320
Speaker 1: or because the circumstance. And to hold that, to hold

392
00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:47,440
Speaker 1: the unknown of the weight of that and to move

393
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 1: forward in relationship is not an easy feet. It means

394
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 1: you are willing to hold on to what the relationship

395
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,440
Speaker 1: is and can be. That's all that you can walk with.

396
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,960
Speaker 1: And I think I Yana had to really sit with

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00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,479
Speaker 1: what that meant to say, I am still going to

398
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,280
Speaker 1: say yes to him. I am still goinging to try

399
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:12,280
Speaker 1: and make this work or see what happens. Knowing that

400
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,520
Speaker 1: this is gonna be seen, you know, around the world

401
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,439
Speaker 1: and people will have so many thoughts about her and

402
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: to still say yes. She wants up and she's in

403
00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,560
Speaker 1: a relationship, and she's married and she has to live

404
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: in that relationship. So I felt when she sank down,

405
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,240
Speaker 1: I understood why. You know, I don't know if it's true.

406
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,919
Speaker 1: I Yana, you can hit me up a girl and

407
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,520
Speaker 1: let you know, we don't have a conversation. But I

408
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,160
Speaker 1: really felt the weight of that. Do I still say

409
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,760
Speaker 1: yes or do I say no? And if I'm saying yes,

410
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 1: what am I saying yes too? Is me saying yes

411
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,680
Speaker 1: to this? Does that mean I'm saying no to me?

412
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,640
Speaker 1: You know? It's just so many thoughts and questions. I

413
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: think that where Jared definitely had to be held accountable

414
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 1: is for the conversation that he had with Mallory. However

415
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:05,480
Speaker 1: it looked with editing the flow of conversation in that

416
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,439
Speaker 1: time frame, it just felt messy, and he owned up

417
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,800
Speaker 1: to it. He apologized for it. But I will say,

418
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:17,200
Speaker 1: like after Jared excluding that, after Jared you know, said

419
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 1: yes or proposed to Anna, I ain't never hear him

420
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,960
Speaker 1: talk about Mallory outside of that one. It felt like

421
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 1: that was their version of trying to have a closed

422
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 1: conversation and they both said that that that's what that was.

423
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,840
Speaker 1: That was the first time that they've seen each other

424
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,359
Speaker 1: and they never had a close which I get. It

425
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,600
Speaker 1: just ventured on the line of disrespect and they both

426
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:42,320
Speaker 1: apologized for it. But after that, Jared was like, Temanna, like,

427
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,640
Speaker 1: I ain't never him mention anything about Mallory after that.

428
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,080
Speaker 1: And so I think at the reunion you could literally

429
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 1: I mean, first of all, they came coordinated. I'm like,

430
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:57,000
Speaker 1: come on, black couple, Hello, um, you saw that there

431
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 1: was like a very intimate way that they were sitting

432
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,520
Speaker 1: next to each other, and also a protective way that

433
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 1: Jared was like, the body was very protective because they

434
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,840
Speaker 1: know they know that they're gonna play these clips. And

435
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,920
Speaker 1: even Ian it was like it was really hard watching that.

436
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,879
Speaker 1: But we've had those conversations outside, not in front of

437
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,240
Speaker 1: the cameras, And so that shows to me that somebody

438
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 1: was held accountable. Somebody actively did the repair work and

439
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,440
Speaker 1: decided to still stay in and do the repair work

440
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,639
Speaker 1: anytime it comes up, because I'm pretty sure after the

441
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,920
Speaker 1: reunion and her watching that clip, feelings came up probably

442
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,240
Speaker 1: and you still have to do the repair work because

443
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,720
Speaker 1: your choices affected this person, and until they're able to

444
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,240
Speaker 1: like process it in a healthy way, you are still

445
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:44,200
Speaker 1: held accountable. The language that you're using is very much

446
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: like what we hear after there has been like infidelity

447
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,639
Speaker 1: in the relationship, right, So anytime that there's a betrayal

448
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,640
Speaker 1: in the relationship, which I think this could be seen as, right, definitely,

449
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 1: there is like continuous repair work that has to be done.

450
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,520
Speaker 1: But you brought up a great point that I would

451
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,760
Speaker 1: love to hear you talk more about because of course

452
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 1: this happened in this way on the show, right, it's entertainment.

453
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,400
Speaker 1: We know that they're dating multiple people, but there are

454
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:12,640
Speaker 1: instances in real life off TV where maybe you find

455
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 1: out that you're not somebody's first choice, right, so maybe

456
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,879
Speaker 1: this is somebody who has been married before. You know,

457
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,480
Speaker 1: there are lots of different circumstances that someone might find

458
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,719
Speaker 1: themselves in, Like you use a gear real union quote

459
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:27,480
Speaker 1: of not being sure if they picked me because of

460
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 1: this or that. And so if you had a client

461
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,720
Speaker 1: that you were working with, what kinds of things might

462
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:35,159
Speaker 1: you do to help them process where they found themselves

463
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,399
Speaker 1: in a relationship. I don't definitely have a conversation about

464
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,600
Speaker 1: what feelings are coming up for them? Is this triggering

465
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,920
Speaker 1: and insecurity? Do you have past experiences where you may

466
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,320
Speaker 1: not have been prioritized or chosen first in other aspects

467
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,160
Speaker 1: of your life? Right? Because I need to know are

468
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,919
Speaker 1: we just talking about this situation in isolation or is

469
00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:00,280
Speaker 1: this connected to past experiences? Because in that open up

470
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: what we're really working with. And so it's really important

471
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:10,040
Speaker 1: that we dissect that because those patterns of experiences can

472
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,280
Speaker 1: become a belief. And so I'm not only just challenging

473
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,199
Speaker 1: the belief, I'm challenging these past experiences. So let's process it.

474
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,920
Speaker 1: Let's see if there's a possibility for us to reframe it. Right,

475
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,160
Speaker 1: just like in the situation when I know, let's say

476
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,280
Speaker 1: she's on my virtual therapeutic couch and she's just like,

477
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:29,359
Speaker 1: you know what, this was the situation. I'm all right, So, yes,

478
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 1: your feelings, you're hurt and all of that. Totally get it.

479
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 1: But let's talk about the experience, Like, do you believe

480
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:41,000
Speaker 1: that his choices were intentionally to hurt you? Right, you

481
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 1: are hurt, But do you believe that he was intentionally

482
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:48,159
Speaker 1: trying to hurt you? No? Okay, so his choice you

483
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 1: being her is a byproduct of that, right? Got it?

484
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: So did he apologize? Yes, he's apologist. Okay, how has

485
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,879
Speaker 1: he apologized? Well, he's apologized verbally. When I want to

486
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:01,080
Speaker 1: talk about it, he talks about it as well. Okay,

487
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 1: So what does the apology look like in action? How

488
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,800
Speaker 1: has his behavior changed? Right? So we start really looking

489
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,919
Speaker 1: at what has that person who hurt you done to

490
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:14,000
Speaker 1: do the repair work? If you're feeling betrayed, is this

491
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,040
Speaker 1: person actively trying to portray you because they want to

492
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 1: hurt you? Or was it a circumstantial event? Because sometimes

493
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,239
Speaker 1: we don't give our partners or the people in our

494
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,160
Speaker 1: lives the benefit of the doubt, and we allow their

495
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 1: choice to fuel these beliefs that we already have, like oh, like,

496
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,679
Speaker 1: of course, no one's going to have my side. Of

497
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:34,119
Speaker 1: course they were bound to be train me, right, isn't

498
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 1: that or is it something else? So challenging the belief

499
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:42,360
Speaker 1: and really connecting the choice with what you're seeing in

500
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,720
Speaker 1: terms of how that person is treating you will allow

501
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 1: you to really understand, Okay, how am I feeling? Why

502
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:53,000
Speaker 1: am I feeling? And is this really a factual experience

503
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: or in my fueling a belief that may be a

504
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 1: little misguided. So it seems like you're being very careful

505
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,800
Speaker 1: in using this language of did they do it on purpose?

506
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,720
Speaker 1: What difference does whether? Because if I'm hurt, I'm hurt, right,

507
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: So why does it make a difference about whether the

508
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,760
Speaker 1: person intentionally hurt me or it was a byproduct or

509
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:16,240
Speaker 1: something else? Because I think knowing somebody's intentions will allow

510
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 1: you to give them grace. Everybody knows my coworker, Sherlock.

511
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 1: We have a love hate relationship, and I know sometimes

512
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:30,360
Speaker 1: Sherlock will, like you know, be around my feet and

513
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 1: doing all these other things while I'm trying to move

514
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 1: on about my day, and there are times where I

515
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 1: trip over him. If I don't give Shrlock the benefit

516
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 1: of the doubt, I'm gonna automatically think, why are you

517
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,720
Speaker 1: trying to trip me? You want me to fall down

518
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 1: and get hurt? Why are you doing this as opposed

519
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,680
Speaker 1: to let me take a bat and take a benefit

520
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 1: of the doubt. Okay, he's just trying to play and

521
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,840
Speaker 1: he doesn't really have a good sense of where I'm moving.

522
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,360
Speaker 1: He just wants to be closer to me, and because

523
00:29:55,400 --> 00:30:00,600
Speaker 1: of that, I tripped over him. So me taking a

524
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:04,600
Speaker 1: beat to figure out did you plan us what? What? What?

525
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:09,720
Speaker 1: Was this a preconceived idea or was it just a circumstance? Right,

526
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 1: And then I'm able to give more grace and like,

527
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 1: you know, I get irritated you don't show it's okay, alright,

528
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:17,040
Speaker 1: let's go play, Let's figure out what it is that

529
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: you ultimately want, and then let's go on about our business. Yeah,

530
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,440
Speaker 1: I'm talking about a dog, but it's the same thing

531
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:26,520
Speaker 1: with my partner. Right, my partner makes a choice or

532
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 1: he forgets something. I'm like, why are you always trying

533
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,000
Speaker 1: to forget? Do you not want me to do? Da?

534
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 1: Da da da da. I can think like that, but

535
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 1: that doesn't serve our relationship. Me not giving him the

536
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,320
Speaker 1: benefit of the gout in that moment did absolutely nothing

537
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:45,320
Speaker 1: for us versus. Well, okay, let's talk. Let's have a conversation,

538
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 1: because the relationship ultimately matters to me the most, and

539
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that you know we're on

540
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 1: the same page and that we can limit these circumstances

541
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 1: from happening or whatever the situation was. Yeah, I appreciate

542
00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 1: that that articulation to that that I think it's super

543
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 1: health full. So something else you mentioned that I have

544
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 1: also been thinking about is that we not only have

545
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:11,040
Speaker 1: whatever like happens on the show, then we have like

546
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:14,480
Speaker 1: the public's reaction to it, right, So I mean that's

547
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 1: a part of the you know, they know they're signing

548
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 1: up for an entertainment, but I think there is no

549
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:22,720
Speaker 1: way to know how you will be impacted by, like

550
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: the public's reaction to whatever they see of you on

551
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:28,719
Speaker 1: the film or the tape. And so with suggestions are

552
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,360
Speaker 1: thoughts do you have around how you like manage that

553
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,640
Speaker 1: in the relationship. But like I think especially you know,

554
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:38,400
Speaker 1: we have definitely seen Shake and he of course is

555
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 1: not in a relationship with deep d anymore, but we've

556
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 1: definitely seen him sharing lots of things on social media.

557
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,080
Speaker 1: But I think even for like Natalie and Shane and

558
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:49,920
Speaker 1: Ayanna and Jared. What's the other couple that was color

559
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:55,000
Speaker 1: coordinated in the Blue Dan yelling Nick? Yeah, So the

560
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 1: public I think has had very strong reactions to like

561
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 1: lots of things that we've seen shared. And so now

562
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 1: the couples are not only dealing with like, okay, whatever

563
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,600
Speaker 1: is going on in regular couples world. Now we're also

564
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 1: dealing with like the public's reaction to what they've seen

565
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: of us m H right. So I think specifically with

566
00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 1: Danielle and Nick, like Danielle definitely put out a post

567
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 1: about giving more context to when they were in Mexico

568
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 1: and how she was triggered and had certain memories. And

569
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:31,200
Speaker 1: so I think as a viewer understanding that what we're

570
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,240
Speaker 1: seeing is it was with intention, that we're seeing this

571
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:39,479
Speaker 1: like we're seeing it for a specific purpose as opposed

572
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: to many other moments that the couple has had, and

573
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: so being able to understand that, yes, this is a moment,

574
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: but this is not the entire experience, and the same

575
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,360
Speaker 1: thing for the couples, that what the viewers are seeing

576
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: is just a moment. It's not the entire experience. And

577
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 1: however you want to deal with it, whether you want

578
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,240
Speaker 1: to you know, expound on it, just like Danielle did,

579
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: or if you choose to say, you know what, we

580
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: gotta chalk it up to what it is because we

581
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:11,720
Speaker 1: are unable to control the opinions of millions. And at

582
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 1: the end of the day, if I know why I'm

583
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 1: with you and you know why you're with me, then

584
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 1: we have to allow that to be enough, and we

585
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:25,080
Speaker 1: may need to bar what we're seeing online, because if

586
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:29,120
Speaker 1: we allow whatever we're seeing online to infiltrate us, then

587
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,880
Speaker 1: it doesn't give us a chance to do well. And

588
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 1: that's for them as couples, and that's for couples regardless

589
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:40,520
Speaker 1: of whatever status, whether your celebrity or a non celebrity.

590
00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 1: Any time you look at things online, it gives you

591
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:49,120
Speaker 1: the opportunity to compare your relationship two whatever it is

592
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,160
Speaker 1: that you're looking at, whether it's for the positive or

593
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 1: for the negative. And so I think that when it

594
00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 1: comes to protecting your partner, that also means protecting your relationship.

595
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:06,360
Speaker 1: That also means protecting it from things that can infiltrate

596
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:11,600
Speaker 1: your experience in the relationship. And so that's something that

597
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,360
Speaker 1: I would definitely say for the couples in regards to

598
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 1: them trying to work it out and be in relationship

599
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:19,440
Speaker 1: to each other, because you know, I've seen people talk

600
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 1: about Iana and you're like, oh, he's a typical whatever, whatever, whatever,

601
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 1: And it's just like, if Ayana sees that and she

602
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:29,759
Speaker 1: starts to believe it, that may feel some of those

603
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:31,520
Speaker 1: thoughts about what did you really want to be with me?

604
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 1: As opposed to what we've made a decision now we

605
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:37,040
Speaker 1: need to live out in that decision, and part of

606
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: living out in that decision means we gotta protect our decision.

607
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:46,200
Speaker 1: We gotta protect our choice, we gotta protect us. Yeah. Sure,

608
00:34:46,920 --> 00:35:02,120
Speaker 1: more from my conversation with Beverly after the break. Something

609
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,799
Speaker 1: that I have also been thinking about with both Love

610
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:08,440
Speaker 1: is Blind with Married at First Sight. I don't think

611
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:11,240
Speaker 1: there are any other dating shows that I've been really

612
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 1: watching as much as I've watched like Love is Blind

613
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: and Married at First Sight, So specifically about those, I

614
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: am beginning to question the psychological risk of going on

615
00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:24,600
Speaker 1: some of these shows. You and I had a conversation

616
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 1: last year about Page from last season of Married at

617
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:33,040
Speaker 1: First Sight. Dr I was finally healing, we were trying

618
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:34,759
Speaker 1: to move on, but I gotta bring it back, so

619
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:40,440
Speaker 1: Her from last season, even Chris from this season, Katina,

620
00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:44,040
Speaker 1: I'm starting to worry about from this season Deep Dee

621
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,719
Speaker 1: from this season of Love is Blind. And I have

622
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 1: a fully articulated this or thought it all the way out.

623
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 1: So that's why I'm bringing it to you to see

624
00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. I know that they're risking any relationship, right,

625
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:57,239
Speaker 1: you know, like you start dating somebody and you don't

626
00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:59,840
Speaker 1: know whether they're gonna be ridiculous and you're gonna have

627
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,000
Speaker 1: feelings hurting, it is going to be painful for you.

628
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:06,960
Speaker 1: But it does feel like there's a particular threat to

629
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:10,719
Speaker 1: your mental health when you go on these shows and

630
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 1: it doesn't go well in the ways at least that

631
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 1: we see it right now. It could be editing that

632
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: gives us a much drabber picture than like the lived

633
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,880
Speaker 1: experience of it. But especially for like Paige, and I

634
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,200
Speaker 1: think even for DEEPD this season, as a viewer, it

635
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 1: felt very hard to watch because of what we were seeing,

636
00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 1: and so it is making me question, like the threat

637
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 1: to your mental health that can appear if you go

638
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,640
Speaker 1: on one of these shows and it's not successful. Yeah,

639
00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: I've had similar conversations, and I would imagine for liability

640
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,799
Speaker 1: reasons that their psychological assessments of core one of these

641
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:51,239
Speaker 1: people are cast it on the show. I will say,

642
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:55,560
Speaker 1: what really had me thinking about that was with Danielle

643
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,640
Speaker 1: and when she was triggered and all that, and I

644
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,880
Speaker 1: was wondering, like, oh, I wonder if there's a therapist

645
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 1: there to help her, because that can easily head into

646
00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:10,799
Speaker 1: a dangerous situation. So I think as a measure of

647
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 1: keeping the cast safe, not just physically with bodyguards, but

648
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:19,799
Speaker 1: also emotionally and mentally safe, that I would hope that

649
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,319
Speaker 1: there is. Well as for Netflix, I know that with

650
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,919
Speaker 1: Maths they have the experts on there. I would hope

651
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:30,880
Speaker 1: that there's definitely therapists, you know, accessible to the past.

652
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:33,360
Speaker 1: And if not, you know, you can email me at

653
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:39,560
Speaker 1: and flat dot com and I will not joking but jokingly,

654
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,160
Speaker 1: but not jokingly. You don't know these people from a canapaign,

655
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:46,879
Speaker 1: and they don't know each other from a canapaign, And

656
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 1: so if we really want to give these couples a

657
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 1: fair shot, thinking about Danielle and Nick, Nick is out here,

658
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 1: you know, at the beach, and she's in a whole

659
00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:02,840
Speaker 1: mental state where she is triggered and she's having an episode.

660
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:04,840
Speaker 1: That would have definitely been a moment one for a

661
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 1: therapist to be there with her too, culture and help

662
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:12,040
Speaker 1: her be grounded, and also help Nick, who's her husband,

663
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:13,919
Speaker 1: well no, not her husband at the time, but soon

664
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 1: to be husband, participate in that. Because if you're in

665
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,120
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone who struggles with their mental health

666
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:23,120
Speaker 1: or who has a mental illness, you are also a

667
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:26,719
Speaker 1: part of that as well. You are living with them,

668
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,560
Speaker 1: you are able to support them or you're able to

669
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:32,960
Speaker 1: hinder them because you don't have the tools. So I

670
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 1: think that would have been a great moment for Danielle

671
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:39,120
Speaker 1: and Nick want to a build emotional intimacy because then

672
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,440
Speaker 1: she would know that, Okay, well, I feel even safer

673
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 1: with him because he has the tools to kind of

674
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:47,239
Speaker 1: help me navigate through this, as opposed to they end

675
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: up having an argument and it's Danielle versus Nick, right.

676
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 1: I think they were unmet expectations because they were unsaid

677
00:38:56,480 --> 00:39:00,000
Speaker 1: because someone didn't really know. I think if the premise

678
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: of this show is to help these couples actually make

679
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,960
Speaker 1: it to the altar, that would definitely be something that

680
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:10,600
Speaker 1: I would include in the show in terms of therapeutic

681
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,120
Speaker 1: intervention with the therapist while they're at the honeymoon or

682
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,120
Speaker 1: doing other things as well. You know, I do have

683
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 1: my passport, so you are ready to travel. So if

684
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:23,880
Speaker 1: you were, let's say, on a future season of season

685
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 1: three of Love Is Blind comes out and you are

686
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 1: the therapists maybe there in the moment, but in a

687
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:33,240
Speaker 1: post show kind of situation, like what kinds of things

688
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 1: do you think would be helpful for couples coming out

689
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 1: of a situation like this to kind of give them

690
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 1: the best chance of like continuing in the health of

691
00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:44,239
Speaker 1: their relationships. So I would go ahead. And people may

692
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 1: say that, oh, he is above it, but I would

693
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 1: definitely want to have sessions with Shake. I would definitely

694
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 1: want to have sessions with Shape to really understand how

695
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:58,840
Speaker 1: did the choices that you made to say certain things,

696
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:02,360
Speaker 1: what was that really connected to? Because I know Deept

697
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:04,600
Speaker 1: asked those questions, like for somebody you said that was

698
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,040
Speaker 1: your friend and all these things you met my family,

699
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 1: how could you be so nasty towards me. I would

700
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: really want to have him on my couch and let's

701
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 1: really process that because I think what other people are

702
00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:19,160
Speaker 1: seeing now, Like he kind of like doubled down in

703
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 1: the reunion and then double down in some of his posts,

704
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:27,120
Speaker 1: but then like posted something else that was like an apology.

705
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,080
Speaker 1: So I don't know what's going on. And he has

706
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:34,040
Speaker 1: reported receiving hate messages and all of that, and whether

707
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:37,200
Speaker 1: you like him or not, there's a certain way to

708
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:41,919
Speaker 1: go about communicating to people, and that can definitely have

709
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:45,520
Speaker 1: an effect on his mental health. I'm not a proponent

710
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 1: for internet violence, we're sending hate messages, and whether or

711
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:52,440
Speaker 1: not somebody else believes that he deserves it, he has

712
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:55,920
Speaker 1: to now bear that, you know what I'm saying. He

713
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: has to bear that in addition to deep g maybe

714
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:02,000
Speaker 1: finding out all of the things that he was actually saying.

715
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,399
Speaker 1: I don't know if that affected her, but there needs

716
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 1: to be like a recovery repair period with the cast members. Definitely,

717
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 1: even with like Shane and Shana. You know, everybody was

718
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:18,120
Speaker 1: telling shanea Jessica two point oh you know, I don't

719
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:21,480
Speaker 1: know how she's responding to that, or people just calling

720
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,480
Speaker 1: you a villain or saying all these things about Shane.

721
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:27,160
Speaker 1: And Shane literally just lost his dad, like he said,

722
00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:29,879
Speaker 1: what three months before the show. We don't know how

723
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:32,680
Speaker 1: his grief is affecting him and all these things and

724
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:36,000
Speaker 1: how that affected him and Natalie. But you can clearly

725
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,480
Speaker 1: see that they both have love for each other, still

726
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:42,279
Speaker 1: still communicate with each other. So it's not like what

727
00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 1: their experiences were outside of the camera was so devastating

728
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:51,600
Speaker 1: that they didn't still try to repair and to still

729
00:41:51,719 --> 00:41:56,920
Speaker 1: move on. Got it? Oh yeah, So anything else you

730
00:41:56,920 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 1: would do specifically with hypothetical season three with couples who

731
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:03,040
Speaker 1: do decide to stay together, Like what kind of post

732
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:07,759
Speaker 1: show interventions or questions might you have them walk through.

733
00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:12,240
Speaker 1: I would definitely ask who's part of your support system

734
00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:15,800
Speaker 1: outside of the show, Like who's going to really encourage

735
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:19,000
Speaker 1: you guys when the world starts to see all of this,

736
00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:23,480
Speaker 1: who's going to help protect you? Because to bear all

737
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,920
Speaker 1: of that just as a duo is hard. You need

738
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:30,000
Speaker 1: your family, you need your friends, you need your support systems. Also,

739
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: I would want to do like an intensive with the

740
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 1: couples and say, okay, there's a new level of fame

741
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,480
Speaker 1: that will come with this. What are your non negotiables,

742
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 1: How do you guys want to deal with this together?

743
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 1: And what are you guys not okay with you let together?

744
00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:52,919
Speaker 1: If there's interview what we're not interviewing? Okay, well, please

745
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,680
Speaker 1: don't post this or let's keep our lives a little

746
00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:59,840
Speaker 1: bit more private until this kind of dies down. So

747
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,400
Speaker 1: you want to make sure that the couple is on

748
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:05,680
Speaker 1: the same page. As for many topics as possible, I

749
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:08,960
Speaker 1: think the last thing would definitely be are there any

750
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:13,360
Speaker 1: residual concerns from this show that have not been addressed?

751
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:16,319
Speaker 1: So by the time these other folks see it and

752
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:19,279
Speaker 1: started having a commentary. We don't want this to be

753
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 1: an even added stressor on the relationship, so let's talk

754
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,120
Speaker 1: about the residuals. Those are all great points, and I

755
00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,600
Speaker 1: do think that that's something that does work in their

756
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,920
Speaker 1: favor because by the time we see it, it's really,

757
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:33,799
Speaker 1: at least for season two, it had been almost a year, right,

758
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:36,520
Speaker 1: so they have had time to process and get prepared

759
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:38,799
Speaker 1: for what we were gonna see. So those questions I

760
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,160
Speaker 1: feel like would be spot on with what they needed

761
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 1: to anticipate as they were waiting for it to premiere, right. Yeah.

762
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:48,799
Speaker 1: So anything else about this season that we haven't talked

763
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:52,600
Speaker 1: about that you really want to share any something about? Okay,

764
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:54,640
Speaker 1: So I'm just thinking about like all the couples like

765
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:59,600
Speaker 1: Shane and Kyle who like work coupled. You can't compromise

766
00:43:59,719 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 1: on religion, Shane on account. Yeah, So there's there's different

767
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:08,040
Speaker 1: things that compromising. Not saying that you can't because some

768
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: people do. But if somebody says that I am this

769
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:13,160
Speaker 1: and the other preson sense I am this, and it

770
00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: directly conflicts and you are second guessing, do yourself and

771
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 1: the other person in favor and just leave it be

772
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:25,560
Speaker 1: unless you have two beliefs that may be different but

773
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:31,440
Speaker 1: can still coexist. Don't set yourself up. Don't compromise, because

774
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:33,239
Speaker 1: I know college a lot of compromises, and the man

775
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:35,239
Speaker 1: doesn't eat me and he ate me for her. He

776
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:37,560
Speaker 1: doesn't believe in God or anything else, but he was like,

777
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:40,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start Like if you feel like you have

778
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:43,040
Speaker 1: to change your core values to be with somebody, you

779
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:46,440
Speaker 1: really need to question that. With Danielle and Nick, being

780
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,560
Speaker 1: a relationship with somebody who who struggles with him mentalth

781
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:52,640
Speaker 1: or mental illness is another commitment as well. Be okay,

782
00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:56,080
Speaker 1: ready and willing to be with the fullness of that person.

783
00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:00,440
Speaker 1: You can't x out what you don't like. If you're

784
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:04,200
Speaker 1: gonna be all in, be all in Ayanna and Jarrett,

785
00:45:04,719 --> 00:45:09,359
Speaker 1: even after betrayal, you can still build emotional intimacy. You

786
00:45:09,400 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 1: can still have the relationship that you want. It's not

787
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,160
Speaker 1: an end all, be all, and if you allow naysayers

788
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:19,320
Speaker 1: to infiltrate, then it's going to impact your relationship. Mallory

789
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:26,160
Speaker 1: and zal family is important and they have influence. Be

790
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:29,960
Speaker 1: mindful of it. Be careful of it because that influence

791
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,680
Speaker 1: maybe for good, it may not be for good Natalie

792
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:38,759
Speaker 1: and Shane. Words matter, they hurt, and they can have

793
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:43,680
Speaker 1: a long last thing impact because something that Natalie said

794
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:47,880
Speaker 1: I believe at the reunion was that even afterwards, we

795
00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:51,520
Speaker 1: try to make it work. He has apologized, hees in

796
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 1: all of the things, but it was a struggle for

797
00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:59,040
Speaker 1: me to move forward based off of the things that

798
00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:05,000
Speaker 1: he said. So when in disagreements or having an argument,

799
00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 1: be mindful to protect your partner with your words because

800
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:15,040
Speaker 1: it can build up or it can break your relationship.

801
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:21,399
Speaker 1: And then with deepd and Shake, it's okay to walk

802
00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:24,120
Speaker 1: away from someone that you have great vibes with but

803
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:28,280
Speaker 1: ultimately doesn't respect you. Mm hmmm. That's a mic trip

804
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:31,360
Speaker 1: because deep De said that she was like, at the

805
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:33,759
Speaker 1: end of the day, this is my best friend and

806
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:36,759
Speaker 1: all of that. But because I know that there's a

807
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:38,759
Speaker 1: party that doesn't respect me or it doesn't like me,

808
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,360
Speaker 1: I'm not willing to compromise me in order to be

809
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:47,080
Speaker 1: in relationship with you. I love it. That's it. I mean, well,

810
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:49,680
Speaker 1: you have given us some great lessons for our own

811
00:46:49,760 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 1: lives that we can take it. I had thoughts about

812
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:56,520
Speaker 1: each and every one of them, and I'm like, let

813
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:58,800
Speaker 1: me just break it down. We appreciate it. We appreciate

814
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:02,319
Speaker 1: that breakdown. So tell us again, Beverly where we can

815
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:04,799
Speaker 1: find you online, to your website as well as any

816
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 1: social media handles you'd like to share. Oh, my website

817
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 1: is Beverly Andre and Beverly with an L E y

818
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:14,719
Speaker 1: because my mama is Fancy dot com and on all

819
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:19,640
Speaker 1: socials Beverly Andre underscore because somebody stole my name, so

820
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:23,360
Speaker 1: we have to have that little underscore. We will be

821
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 1: sure to include all of that in the show notes.

822
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:27,479
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining me again to break

823
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:33,960
Speaker 1: down our faiths in pop culture. I appreciate you. I'm

824
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,040
Speaker 1: so glad Beverly was able to join me again this

825
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:38,880
Speaker 1: week to learn more about her and her work. Be

826
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 1: sure to visit the show notes at Therapy for Black

827
00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:44,560
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash session to and be sure to

828
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:46,600
Speaker 1: text two of your girls and tell them to check

829
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:50,000
Speaker 1: out the episode right now. If you're looking for a

830
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:52,440
Speaker 1: therapist in your area, be sure to check out our

831
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:56,320
Speaker 1: therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.

832
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:58,840
Speaker 1: And if you want to continue digging into this topic

833
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 1: or just being coming unity with other sisters, come on

834
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:04,279
Speaker 1: over and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our

835
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:06,960
Speaker 1: cozy corner of the Internet design just for black women.

836
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 1: You can join us at Community dot Therapy for black

837
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:13,840
Speaker 1: girls dot com. This episode was produced by Freda Lucas

838
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:17,239
Speaker 1: and Alice Ellis and editing was done by Dennis and Bradford.

839
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:19,919
Speaker 1: Thank you all so much for joining me again this week.

840
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 1: I look forward to continue in this conversation with you

841
00:48:22,719 --> 00:48:25,160
Speaker 1: all real soon. Take it care