WEBVTT - How to Question Everything, With Sahil Bloom 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:15.396 Pushkin. 0:00:30.116 --> 0:00:34.076 I was basically like steadily marching down the path to 0:00:34.236 --> 0:00:37.436 what I thought was the good, successful life. Take the 0:00:38.036 --> 0:00:42.476 high status sounding job and just put your head down, 0:00:42.756 --> 0:00:44.636 and if you do that for long enough, you'll wake 0:00:44.716 --> 0:00:45.956 up and you'll have made a bunch of money. 0:00:45.996 --> 0:00:47.316 You'll be happy, fulfilled, etc. 0:00:48.796 --> 0:00:52.876 Sawhill Bloom spent years working as a financial advisor, putting 0:00:52.916 --> 0:00:56.876 in long hours and cashing huge paychecks. But even though 0:00:56.916 --> 0:01:00.916 he'd found career success, he wasn't happy. He started to 0:01:00.996 --> 0:01:04.156 question whether the life he was building was actually what 0:01:04.276 --> 0:01:04.836 he wanted. 0:01:05.796 --> 0:01:09.996 My entire definition of success, of what it meant to 0:01:10.036 --> 0:01:14.076 build a wealthy life had been incomplete. I was prioritizing 0:01:14.236 --> 0:01:16.836 one thing at the expense of everything else. 0:01:20.876 --> 0:01:23.956 On today's show, hitting pause on the rat race, and 0:01:23.996 --> 0:01:29.396 defining success on your own terms. I'm Maya Schunker, a 0:01:29.436 --> 0:01:33.076 scientist who studies human behavior, and this is a slight 0:01:33.196 --> 0:01:35.956 change of plans, a show about who we are and 0:01:35.996 --> 0:01:42.956 who we become in the face of a big change. 0:01:47.996 --> 0:01:50.356 When was the last time you checked in with yourself 0:01:50.396 --> 0:01:53.036 and asked if you were really living out your values? 0:01:53.676 --> 0:01:57.236 Today's conversation is about questioning your beliefs and being more 0:01:57.276 --> 0:02:00.836 intentional about what you prioritize. These are the kinds of 0:02:00.876 --> 0:02:04.676 ideas that Sahil explores in his book The Five Types 0:02:04.716 --> 0:02:09.316 of Wealth, A Transformative Guide to Design your Dream Life. 0:02:09.516 --> 0:02:13.076 Growing up saw Hill saw firsthand the value of defying 0:02:13.156 --> 0:02:16.316 social norms and challenging other people's expectations. 0:02:16.956 --> 0:02:20.876 My parents came from very different backgrounds in worlds. My 0:02:20.956 --> 0:02:23.556 mom was born and raised in India. Her father was 0:02:23.556 --> 0:02:27.036 a professor, my father was raised in the Bronx, New York, 0:02:27.436 --> 0:02:31.916 and the collision of their lives was a very unlikely one. 0:02:32.156 --> 0:02:35.756 My mom had applied in secret to come to university 0:02:35.756 --> 0:02:39.516 in the US, my dad was finishing his dissertation, and 0:02:39.596 --> 0:02:41.516 my mom was working in the library at the school 0:02:41.556 --> 0:02:43.636 to kind of pay her way through program that she 0:02:43.636 --> 0:02:47.836 had applied to, and the two of them connecting and 0:02:47.916 --> 0:02:51.756 building a kind of thriving love and relationship was just 0:02:51.876 --> 0:02:57.516 extraordinarily unlikely, and it was an example of them choosing 0:02:57.556 --> 0:03:00.676 to create their own path rather than accept one by default. 0:03:01.236 --> 0:03:03.676 My dad's father was not accepting of the idea of 0:03:03.716 --> 0:03:06.876 his son marrying an Indian woman and told him that 0:03:06.916 --> 0:03:09.876 he had to choose between his family and her, and 0:03:09.956 --> 0:03:11.996 my dad walked out the door and never saw his 0:03:12.036 --> 0:03:15.036 family again. To this day, I never met my dad's parents. 0:03:15.596 --> 0:03:18.356 He has three siblings I never met all through this 0:03:18.556 --> 0:03:22.436 decision to choose love over the conventional path that was 0:03:22.476 --> 0:03:23.156 handed to them. 0:03:23.676 --> 0:03:24.836 And so I would say, if there. 0:03:24.676 --> 0:03:27.916 Was one value that was more important than any other 0:03:28.156 --> 0:03:32.196 in our family, it was the idea of independent thinking, 0:03:32.716 --> 0:03:37.716 of cultivating an environment to question things and not feel 0:03:38.556 --> 0:03:42.996 apprehensive or any degree of shame associated with that questioning. 0:03:43.636 --> 0:03:47.836 But that's a difficult thing to understand or internalize as 0:03:47.876 --> 0:03:48.236 a kid. 0:03:48.956 --> 0:03:52.876 It is a really difficult thing to internalize. And in 0:03:52.916 --> 0:03:55.596 your case, you know, despite these values at home, you 0:03:55.716 --> 0:03:58.396 still grew up very eager to achieve right. You were 0:03:58.396 --> 0:04:02.156 still influenced by other social pressures. And this was in 0:04:02.236 --> 0:04:06.956 part because your older sister was very academically gifted and 0:04:07.556 --> 0:04:09.916 received lots of praise from teachers. 0:04:10.316 --> 0:04:13.596 Yeah, unfortunately, I would say, from a young age, I 0:04:13.636 --> 0:04:17.636 started telling myself a story that I was not capable 0:04:17.876 --> 0:04:21.556 of the same level of achievement academically as my sister. 0:04:22.076 --> 0:04:24.876 There were a couple of instances, first second grade whatever 0:04:24.916 --> 0:04:27.636 it would be, where I would get to a class 0:04:27.636 --> 0:04:29.876 they would say, oh, your Sonali's brother, Like all this 0:04:30.036 --> 0:04:31.396 hope and excitement that I was going to be the 0:04:31.476 --> 0:04:34.196 next star student. And then I was kind of into like, 0:04:34.596 --> 0:04:36.756 you know, dicking around for lack of a better word, 0:04:36.796 --> 0:04:38.476 it said. I was like, you know, I was a kid. 0:04:38.556 --> 0:04:43.316 I was really active, I was really rambunctious, and I 0:04:43.356 --> 0:04:46.236 would inevitably sort of disappoint this teacher. And I could 0:04:46.316 --> 0:04:47.836 see it in them and in the way that they 0:04:47.836 --> 0:04:49.476 treated me and acted, and the things they would say 0:04:49.476 --> 0:04:52.876 to my parents and whatnot. And it started cementing in 0:04:52.956 --> 0:04:54.996 me this story that I would tell myself that I 0:04:55.076 --> 0:04:56.796 wasn't that smart, that I had to be good at 0:04:56.836 --> 0:04:58.516 something else because my sister was the. 0:04:58.436 --> 0:05:00.316 Smart one and I wasn't. 0:05:00.796 --> 0:05:04.796 And those stories that you tell yourself are really hard 0:05:04.836 --> 0:05:05.276 to break. 0:05:05.596 --> 0:05:09.876 Absolutely, it sounds like you grew up in a home 0:05:09.996 --> 0:05:13.676 where it was very clear giving your parents values that 0:05:14.596 --> 0:05:17.156 their love for you is not contingent upon your success, 0:05:17.316 --> 0:05:20.036 and they valued free thinking and they valued independent thinking. 0:05:20.556 --> 0:05:24.196 And so how interesting is it that even in an 0:05:24.276 --> 0:05:28.476 environment like that, we can grow up feeling the need 0:05:28.516 --> 0:05:31.796 to prove our value in specific ways, to anchor it 0:05:31.836 --> 0:05:35.236 to a form of success or wealth or what have you. 0:05:35.356 --> 0:05:37.516 It's not like you grew up in a family where 0:05:37.516 --> 0:05:40.036 your parents were like, this is what you need to 0:05:40.076 --> 0:05:42.236 be valuable to us, they weren't saying that, And I 0:05:42.276 --> 0:05:47.916 just think it shows how pervasive this need for self 0:05:47.996 --> 0:05:48.956 validation is. 0:05:49.396 --> 0:05:52.276 Yeah, especially when you're young, because so much of your 0:05:52.316 --> 0:05:55.796 identity is being established in those young years around how 0:05:55.876 --> 0:05:59.076 other people react to things that you are doing. And 0:05:59.116 --> 0:06:04.276 I think that when you see those first pieces of 0:06:04.356 --> 0:06:08.596 evidence of what the scoreboard is, then you're kind of like, Okay, 0:06:08.596 --> 0:06:11.796 here's the thing that's going to build the evidence bank 0:06:12.076 --> 0:06:14.556 of what my identity is and who I am. So 0:06:14.556 --> 0:06:16.396 there's a little bit of like an addicting thing of 0:06:16.436 --> 0:06:19.836 what you measure, you know, really mattering, because that's where 0:06:19.836 --> 0:06:22.156 you can make progress. That's the video game, if you will, 0:06:22.396 --> 0:06:24.516 that we're going to play life around in this family. 0:06:24.916 --> 0:06:27.756 Yeah, so you eventually figured out what your lane was, 0:06:27.836 --> 0:06:29.236 right you were like, Okay, maybe I'm never going to 0:06:29.276 --> 0:06:32.116 be as good as Sonali academically, but I'm good at sports. 0:06:32.516 --> 0:06:36.356 And you ended up getting a baseball scholarship you intended Stanford, 0:06:36.596 --> 0:06:39.956 huge achievement. Take me back to that time. What role 0:06:40.036 --> 0:06:42.676 did baseball play when it came to shaping your identity? 0:06:43.916 --> 0:06:45.836 Hard to overstate how much. 0:06:47.276 --> 0:06:50.076 My own self worth was defined around these baseball achievements. 0:06:50.196 --> 0:06:53.796 I basically grew to define my own worth around the 0:06:53.956 --> 0:06:57.236 sort of external affirmations that I could accumulate in any 0:06:57.236 --> 0:07:00.156 one thing, and baseball I found to be a very 0:07:00.196 --> 0:07:04.316 good conduit for accumulating external affirmations, a sport that's very popular. 0:07:04.676 --> 0:07:07.236 Getting a Division one scholarship was like a big deal. 0:07:07.316 --> 0:07:09.116 A bunch of people would think you were really impressed. 0:07:09.356 --> 0:07:13.636 You would get attention from different people, and every single 0:07:13.676 --> 0:07:16.836 time you got one external affirmation, it made you hungrier 0:07:16.876 --> 0:07:18.716 to get the next one and the bigger one and 0:07:18.756 --> 0:07:19.316 whatever it was. 0:07:19.356 --> 0:07:20.836 So it's self fulfilling as well. 0:07:21.196 --> 0:07:21.676 Totally. 0:07:21.956 --> 0:07:25.596 The problem with those things is that they further cement 0:07:25.996 --> 0:07:30.596 this narrowness of identity as you do that, where every 0:07:30.836 --> 0:07:33.196 single one of the pats on the back that you 0:07:33.276 --> 0:07:37.316 are getting makes you more and more convinced that that 0:07:37.476 --> 0:07:40.716 is who you are and that that is what you 0:07:41.156 --> 0:07:42.396 need to continue doing. 0:07:42.396 --> 0:07:45.996 That is the only path. And that really did happen 0:07:46.036 --> 0:07:46.236 to me. 0:07:48.116 --> 0:07:52.116 Your baseball career ended earlier than expected, and I'm curious 0:07:52.156 --> 0:07:54.316 about how you personally handled that transition. 0:07:54.996 --> 0:07:56.356 It was challenging for me. 0:07:56.436 --> 0:07:59.516 I mean, I you know, I thought for many years 0:07:59.516 --> 0:08:03.396 that I would play professionally. I hurt my shoulder summer 0:08:03.436 --> 0:08:06.716 after my sophomore year. I had one game when I 0:08:06.756 --> 0:08:08.636 was pitching and just felt something in the back of 0:08:08.636 --> 0:08:10.996 my shoulder and didn't really think anything of it. 0:08:11.076 --> 0:08:13.356 And basically, over the course of two years, it just. 0:08:13.236 --> 0:08:15.236 Got worse and worse, and it got to the point 0:08:15.276 --> 0:08:18.116 where I just couldn't throw effectively anymore. 0:08:18.156 --> 0:08:18.916 At that level. 0:08:19.636 --> 0:08:23.156 And the hardest part of that entire transition was calling 0:08:23.196 --> 0:08:28.036 my dad. So much of my and our relationship over 0:08:28.156 --> 0:08:32.236 the twenty years leading up to that was built around baseball. 0:08:32.756 --> 0:08:35.036 I thought of him as like the dad who came 0:08:35.036 --> 0:08:37.236 home from work after a long day and he would 0:08:37.236 --> 0:08:39.116 always have the energy to go outside with me and 0:08:39.156 --> 0:08:41.356 play cash in the backyard. He was the one that 0:08:41.396 --> 0:08:42.956 took me to all my lessons. He was the one 0:08:42.996 --> 0:08:44.796 that coached my little league teams. He was the one 0:08:44.836 --> 0:08:46.596 that showed up to all of my high school games. 0:08:46.596 --> 0:08:49.076 He flew out to all of my college games. I mean, 0:08:49.116 --> 0:08:51.796 he was my number one supporter in everything that I 0:08:51.876 --> 0:08:55.636 was doing. And before I called him to let him 0:08:55.636 --> 0:08:57.516 know that I was going to not be able to play, 0:08:57.996 --> 0:09:00.396 I had this fear that he was going to be disappointed. 0:09:00.836 --> 0:09:02.716 And I called him and I was in tears, and 0:09:02.756 --> 0:09:05.396 I told him, you know, I can't play anymore. 0:09:05.396 --> 0:09:06.036 I can't throw. 0:09:06.556 --> 0:09:09.636 And he was like, I'll be there to you with 0:09:09.876 --> 0:09:13.316 whatever's next, Like whatever your next thing is, I'll be 0:09:13.556 --> 0:09:17.956 in the front row. And there was so much power 0:09:18.036 --> 0:09:21.156 in so few words that he had said there, because 0:09:21.156 --> 0:09:24.796 it was just a reminder that he did not think 0:09:24.836 --> 0:09:27.516 of me as a baseball player. It was like that 0:09:27.636 --> 0:09:30.996 identity maybe was something that I had convinced myself that 0:09:30.996 --> 0:09:34.116 that's who I was, but he didn't. I was his son, 0:09:34.196 --> 0:09:35.956 and he would support me in whatever it was that 0:09:36.036 --> 0:09:37.876 I was off and doing. He was going to be 0:09:37.876 --> 0:09:39.596 in the front row of whatever that was. It was 0:09:39.596 --> 0:09:41.356 a baseball field, now it's going to be something else, 0:09:41.356 --> 0:09:42.316 and I'm going to be there for that. 0:09:43.796 --> 0:09:47.316 Yeah. It is interesting how often we can impose beliefs 0:09:47.316 --> 0:09:49.636 on other people that they don't actually carry right, that 0:09:49.716 --> 0:09:52.756 aren't rooted in facts. You know, in your book, you 0:09:52.796 --> 0:09:56.116 write about how you attended college with a bunch of 0:09:56.196 --> 0:10:00.876 high achievers who measured success by who got the highest 0:10:00.876 --> 0:10:05.436 offer from Goldman Sachs or from McKinsey, and you know, 0:10:05.636 --> 0:10:09.916 those norms affected you, right, You really internalize belief that 0:10:10.516 --> 0:10:14.836 money leads to happiness, and as a result of that, 0:10:15.076 --> 0:10:19.196 when you graduated, you reached out to the richest people 0:10:19.276 --> 0:10:22.396 you knew and found out what they did and then thought, Okay, 0:10:22.476 --> 0:10:24.756 I'm going to do the same thing. And that is 0:10:24.876 --> 0:10:27.596 ultimately what led you to become a financial advisor. 0:10:28.196 --> 0:10:28.396 Yeah. 0:10:28.436 --> 0:10:31.156 I spent those first seven years of my career after 0:10:31.196 --> 0:10:35.356 I got done in school basically like steadily marching down 0:10:35.396 --> 0:10:37.676 the path to what I thought was the like good 0:10:37.716 --> 0:10:42.516 successful life. You know, take the high status sounding job 0:10:43.036 --> 0:10:45.956 and just put your head down, and if you do 0:10:46.036 --> 0:10:48.036 that for long enough, you'll wake up and everything will 0:10:48.076 --> 0:10:49.476 be good. You'll have made a bunch of money, you'll 0:10:49.516 --> 0:10:51.156 be happy, fulfilled, et cetera. 0:10:51.716 --> 0:10:54.236 And all on the way. 0:10:54.716 --> 0:10:58.436 I felt like there was this tendency to make my 0:10:58.516 --> 0:11:03.916 happiness conditional on some end, Like every year, I'd convince 0:11:03.996 --> 0:11:05.916 myself that, like, oh, I'm going to feel totally different 0:11:05.916 --> 0:11:08.556 December thirtieth when my bonus comes in. I'm going to 0:11:08.596 --> 0:11:10.356 get this much money and this I'm going to be 0:11:10.396 --> 0:11:14.396 so happy, and over and over again, those mountains, those 0:11:14.436 --> 0:11:16.196 like you know, summits that I had built up as 0:11:16.236 --> 0:11:20.436 being my arrival. Were anything, but I would get them, 0:11:20.436 --> 0:11:23.116 I would feel that momentary blip of kind of dopamine 0:11:23.236 --> 0:11:27.756 induced euphoria, and then I would reset to whatever right. 0:11:27.756 --> 0:11:29.796 It was like I'd never done enough. It was just 0:11:29.836 --> 0:11:33.876 more and more and more, And unfortunately, as the years 0:11:33.916 --> 0:11:39.076 went by, I became more rather than less focused on 0:11:39.196 --> 0:11:42.476 money being the path to living a good life. Like 0:11:42.556 --> 0:11:44.476 as I got around it more and as I got 0:11:44.516 --> 0:11:48.756 more indoctrinated into this financial culture, I grew sort of 0:11:48.796 --> 0:11:51.396 these blinders of like, Okay, let me just keep getting 0:11:51.396 --> 0:11:53.276 more and more, folks, this is what really matters. I 0:11:53.316 --> 0:11:56.836 grew so convinced that like this one scoreboard was the 0:11:56.836 --> 0:11:59.996 one that mattered, that every other area of my life 0:12:00.116 --> 0:12:03.996 started to show cracks, and my relationships. I was living 0:12:04.116 --> 0:12:06.916 three thousand miles away from my parents. I was noticing 0:12:06.956 --> 0:12:08.436 for the first time in my life that they were 0:12:08.436 --> 0:12:11.316 slowing down, getting older, but we were three thousand miles away. 0:12:11.796 --> 0:12:14.036 My wife and I were struggling to conceive at the time. 0:12:14.276 --> 0:12:17.036 Now was creating strain in our relationship. I was drinking 0:12:17.076 --> 0:12:20.956 six seven nights a week, and it all coincided with 0:12:20.996 --> 0:12:22.596 a point in time in my life where from the 0:12:22.636 --> 0:12:25.356 outside looking in, you would have said I was winning 0:12:25.356 --> 0:12:29.436 the game, and I started to have this sensation that 0:12:30.036 --> 0:12:32.716 if that was what winning, felt like I had to 0:12:32.756 --> 0:12:33.876 be playing the wrong game. 0:12:35.876 --> 0:12:38.476 You described this pivotal moment in your book, when you're 0:12:38.956 --> 0:12:41.916 roughly thirty years old and you have I think it's 0:12:41.956 --> 0:12:43.436 coffee with a friend. Is that right? 0:12:43.716 --> 0:12:44.556 Oh? Yeah, Toraink. 0:12:44.636 --> 0:12:48.836 Unfortunately you had a drink seven nights a week of drinking. 0:12:49.596 --> 0:12:52.196 You had a drink with a friend and they say 0:12:52.276 --> 0:12:54.676 something to you that just stops you in your tracks. 0:12:54.916 --> 0:12:55.956 Walk me through that story. 0:12:56.756 --> 0:12:56.956 Yeah. 0:12:56.956 --> 0:12:58.956 I went out for a drink with this old friend 0:12:58.956 --> 0:13:01.476 who I hadn't seen in a while, and we sat 0:13:01.516 --> 0:13:04.636 down and he asked how I was doing, and I 0:13:04.716 --> 0:13:08.396 told him that it started to get difficult living so 0:13:08.516 --> 0:13:11.756 far away from parents that I had started to notice 0:13:11.796 --> 0:13:15.156 they were slowing down. And he asked how old they were, 0:13:15.596 --> 0:13:18.876 and I said mid sixties. And he asked how often 0:13:18.876 --> 0:13:21.556 I saw them, and I said once a year at 0:13:21.556 --> 0:13:24.356 this point, and he just looked at me and said, okay, 0:13:24.636 --> 0:13:26.956 so you're going to see your parents fifteen more times 0:13:26.956 --> 0:13:30.836 before they die. And I just remember feeling like I 0:13:30.836 --> 0:13:36.116 had been punched in the gut. Even now, it sort 0:13:36.116 --> 0:13:40.396 of gives me chills remembering it. But the idea that 0:13:40.476 --> 0:13:43.116 the amount of time you have left with the people 0:13:43.196 --> 0:13:46.676 you care about most in the world is that finite 0:13:47.076 --> 0:13:51.076 and countable that you can place it onto a few hands, 0:13:51.716 --> 0:13:55.476 that just shook me to the core. And in that moment, 0:13:55.596 --> 0:14:01.916 I realized that my entire definition of success, of what 0:14:01.956 --> 0:14:04.276 it meant to build a wealthy life, of this path 0:14:04.316 --> 0:14:10.596 that I was on, had been incomplete, that I was 0:14:10.636 --> 0:14:16.676 prioritizing one thing at the expense of everything else. And 0:14:16.836 --> 0:14:18.956 in that moment, I realized that if we didn't make 0:14:18.996 --> 0:14:23.956 a change, if something didn't change fundamentally, that we were 0:14:23.956 --> 0:14:25.716 going to end up somewhere where we didn't want to be. 0:14:27.676 --> 0:14:28.356 And so we did. 0:14:29.476 --> 0:14:31.476 My wife and I had a candid conversation the next 0:14:31.556 --> 0:14:36.556 day about what we really viewed as our center in life, 0:14:36.636 --> 0:14:38.916 what we wanted to build our life around, what our 0:14:38.916 --> 0:14:42.636 true north really was, and we made a change. Within 0:14:42.676 --> 0:14:45.956 forty five days, I had left my job, we had 0:14:45.956 --> 0:14:48.436 sold our house in California, and we had moved three 0:14:48.436 --> 0:14:51.236 thousand miles across the country to live closer to both 0:14:51.236 --> 0:14:54.756 of our sets of parents. And in that one decision, 0:14:54.916 --> 0:14:57.956 was a very important realization, which is just that you 0:14:58.116 --> 0:15:01.356 are in much more control of your time than you think. 0:15:02.316 --> 0:15:04.556 I see my parents multiple times a month. They're a 0:15:04.596 --> 0:15:07.036 huge part of my son, their grandson's life. We had 0:15:07.076 --> 0:15:10.956 taken an action and actually created and that was the 0:15:10.996 --> 0:15:12.636 spark that really changed everything. 0:15:14.236 --> 0:15:17.156 I'm so curious about this conversation with your wife right 0:15:17.196 --> 0:15:19.556 So for people who are listening right now thinking Ooh, 0:15:19.676 --> 0:15:23.476 I need to do one of these reflection sessions with 0:15:23.596 --> 0:15:27.596 myself and with my partner to really question assumptions. What 0:15:27.676 --> 0:15:29.476 kinds of questions were you asking each other? 0:15:30.636 --> 0:15:34.436 The first thing I would just say was thinking about 0:15:34.476 --> 0:15:37.596 what we wanted the end to look like, like what 0:15:37.716 --> 0:15:40.316 is the end goal? What is the end that I'm 0:15:40.356 --> 0:15:42.676 trying to create? And for both my wife and I, 0:15:43.116 --> 0:15:45.916 it had very little to do with money, you know. 0:15:45.956 --> 0:15:49.796 It was being on like a porch with each other, 0:15:50.236 --> 0:15:52.396 with kids that want to spend time with us, with 0:15:52.476 --> 0:15:56.476 grandkids in the yard, with friends coming over for dinner. 0:15:56.756 --> 0:15:59.116 It was like, Okay, both of us have just laid 0:15:59.156 --> 0:16:01.756 out an entire scenario that has people at the center 0:16:01.836 --> 0:16:06.156 of it. It has relationships, especially our core closest relationships, 0:16:06.876 --> 0:16:07.436 and yet. 0:16:07.396 --> 0:16:10.116 On a daily basis, what are your prioritiyizing right now? 0:16:10.196 --> 0:16:12.756 We live in California where we don't really have any connection, 0:16:13.196 --> 0:16:16.396 Like we don't have close friends that live here, and 0:16:16.476 --> 0:16:19.356 we're living three thousand miles away from the people that 0:16:19.396 --> 0:16:23.876 we're closest to, And that was just extremely illuminating. You're like, 0:16:24.156 --> 0:16:26.876 I just shined a light on the fact that my values, 0:16:26.916 --> 0:16:29.756 the things that I really am saying really matter to me, Yeah, 0:16:30.036 --> 0:16:33.356 are very different from what my actions are showing those 0:16:33.476 --> 0:16:37.076 values to be. And that gap is sort of the 0:16:37.116 --> 0:16:39.436 fundamental gap that we should all be trying to close 0:16:39.476 --> 0:16:39.996 in life. 0:16:40.076 --> 0:16:41.796 It's like the difference. 0:16:41.356 --> 0:16:43.796 Between what you say your priorities are and what your 0:16:43.836 --> 0:16:47.396 actions show your priorities are. When you close that gap, 0:16:47.436 --> 0:16:50.516 your life improves, But you need to highlight the gap 0:16:50.596 --> 0:16:51.596 before you can close it. 0:16:55.516 --> 0:16:57.716 We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 0:16:57.716 --> 0:17:13.316 of plans. Once saw Hil realized he needed to make 0:17:13.396 --> 0:17:16.476 major changes to live out his values, he and his 0:17:16.516 --> 0:17:19.196 wife packed up their bags and moved across the country 0:17:19.196 --> 0:17:22.516 to be closer to family. He also quit his demanding 0:17:22.596 --> 0:17:25.956 job and started to write more, and he got curious 0:17:25.996 --> 0:17:29.036 about what it means to live a good life. He 0:17:29.116 --> 0:17:32.716 started asking people what advice they give their younger selves, 0:17:33.236 --> 0:17:36.116 and from these conversations he came up with the idea 0:17:36.276 --> 0:17:38.276 that there are five buckets of wealth. 0:17:39.076 --> 0:17:42.156 The five types of wealth are time wealth, social wealth, 0:17:42.596 --> 0:17:46.956 mental wealth, physical wealth, and then financial wealth. Time wealth 0:17:47.236 --> 0:17:51.236 is fundamentally about freedom to choose how you spend your time, 0:17:51.396 --> 0:17:53.716 who you spend it with, where you spend it, when 0:17:53.716 --> 0:17:57.076 you trade it for other things. It is about an 0:17:57.076 --> 0:18:00.236 awareness of time as your most precious asset. 0:18:01.036 --> 0:18:04.036 What are some strategies that you've found helpful when it 0:18:04.076 --> 0:18:07.356 comes to protecting your time, but then also feeling just 0:18:07.396 --> 0:18:08.876 more agency over your time. 0:18:09.516 --> 0:18:13.316 Your outcomes in life tend to follow your energy. Very 0:18:13.316 --> 0:18:16.676 few people are actually aware of their energy in a 0:18:16.716 --> 0:18:20.596 meaningful way, meaning understand the types of activities and the 0:18:20.596 --> 0:18:23.716 types of people in their life that create energy versus 0:18:23.836 --> 0:18:27.516 drain energy. When you spend time and lean into things 0:18:27.516 --> 0:18:30.716 that are creating energy for you, your outcomes will improve. 0:18:31.156 --> 0:18:34.276 And when you lean away from and remove things that 0:18:34.316 --> 0:18:37.156 are draining energy, Similarly, your life and your outcomes in 0:18:37.196 --> 0:18:39.556 the way that you feel on a weekly basis improves. 0:18:40.236 --> 0:18:43.236 The fastest way to develop an awareness of that is 0:18:43.276 --> 0:18:46.436 to just use your calendar. I mean, if you look 0:18:46.436 --> 0:18:48.716 at your calendar at the end of a weekday and 0:18:48.876 --> 0:18:52.316 color code the activities according to whether they created energy, 0:18:52.396 --> 0:18:55.516 meaning you felt sort of a natural pull or interest 0:18:55.596 --> 0:18:58.996 or excitement around the thing that's green, if it was neutral, 0:18:58.996 --> 0:19:02.316 market yellow, and if it left you feeling physically drained 0:19:02.876 --> 0:19:05.956 market red. If you do that for a week, you'll 0:19:05.956 --> 0:19:08.756 have a very clear visual perspective on the types of 0:19:08.756 --> 0:19:13.196 active vites that create versus energy from your life. That 0:19:13.356 --> 0:19:17.996 information allows you to make slow, incremental changes to your 0:19:18.436 --> 0:19:23.356 weeks that will improve the overall outlook and outcomes in 0:19:23.396 --> 0:19:27.516 your life, like removing certain things that you previously said 0:19:27.596 --> 0:19:30.196 yes to that we're actually draining your energy that you 0:19:30.236 --> 0:19:33.876 can remove, removing people from your life that consistently drain 0:19:33.956 --> 0:19:35.316 your energy and are not adding a. 0:19:35.276 --> 0:19:36.156 Whole lot of value. 0:19:36.676 --> 0:19:39.436 A piece of that is this idea of just saying 0:19:39.556 --> 0:19:40.756 no more effectively. 0:19:40.916 --> 0:19:42.236 Yeah, terrible at this. 0:19:43.236 --> 0:19:46.476 We all sort of know that it's important to know 0:19:46.556 --> 0:19:51.076 when to say no, but very few people have good 0:19:51.196 --> 0:19:54.476 framings for how to actually do that. I offer two 0:19:54.476 --> 0:19:56.996 in the book that I have found personally very useful. 0:19:57.076 --> 0:20:00.396 One is this idea of the right now test. 0:20:00.596 --> 0:20:01.796 Oh yes, I love this one. 0:20:02.076 --> 0:20:05.556 If someone asks you to do something, whether personal or professional, 0:20:05.756 --> 0:20:08.676 two months from now, ask yourself whether you would want 0:20:08.676 --> 0:20:10.636 to do it if it was tonight or if it 0:20:10.676 --> 0:20:13.356 was right now. If the answer is yes, you say 0:20:13.436 --> 0:20:15.916 yes to it, because then in two months you'll still 0:20:15.956 --> 0:20:17.756 want to do it. But if the answer is no, 0:20:18.276 --> 0:20:20.476 and you're just saying yes to it because two months 0:20:20.596 --> 0:20:22.676 seems like so far in the future, Like sure, I'll 0:20:22.676 --> 0:20:25.276 have more time than two months in the future future, 0:20:25.316 --> 0:20:27.796 maya will have way more time, you should. 0:20:27.556 --> 0:20:28.276 Just say no to it. 0:20:28.356 --> 0:20:32.676 Yeah, it's a failure of empathy with your future self. Yeah, absolutely, Okay, 0:20:32.716 --> 0:20:35.956 can we talk now, sihil about social wealth? So how 0:20:35.956 --> 0:20:38.276 do you define it? And what are ways that we 0:20:38.316 --> 0:20:40.476 can try to boost the amount of social wealth that 0:20:40.516 --> 0:20:41.596 we derive in our lives. 0:20:42.396 --> 0:20:46.156 Social wealth is all about your relationships. It's the you know, 0:20:46.196 --> 0:20:49.956 it's the few close, deep bonds, and then it's the 0:20:50.076 --> 0:20:53.436 larger circles of connection to things that sort of extend 0:20:53.476 --> 0:20:58.236 beyond the self, whether through communities, local, regional, spiritual, et cetera. 0:20:59.036 --> 0:21:02.116 I love this visualization that I propose in the book 0:21:02.396 --> 0:21:06.676 of Imagining your Own Funeral and thinking about the people 0:21:06.716 --> 0:21:08.276 that are going to be sitting in the front row, 0:21:08.916 --> 0:21:12.076 And the most important part of that visualization is actually 0:21:12.116 --> 0:21:17.476 not identifying those people. It's about recognizing the traits and 0:21:18.476 --> 0:21:22.556 the experience that those people create for you, and then 0:21:23.316 --> 0:21:26.756 reminding yourself that the most important thing is to be 0:21:27.036 --> 0:21:31.076 a front row person to someone else. Everyone always asks like, 0:21:31.116 --> 0:21:33.636 how do I build deep, loving bonds? How do I 0:21:33.636 --> 0:21:36.196 find those people that you know I can call at 0:21:36.196 --> 0:21:39.876 three in the morning when things are bad. The most 0:21:40.036 --> 0:21:43.156 clear obvious answer is be one of those people to 0:21:43.196 --> 0:21:43.756 someone else. 0:21:44.396 --> 0:21:46.916 We attract in life what we put out into the world. 0:21:47.196 --> 0:21:50.996