WEBVTT - Let’s Talk About S-E-X (and Pizza) w/ Al Vernacchio 0:00:01.520 --> 0:00:04.400 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:15.840 in partnership with I Heart Radio. You guys, today is 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:20.600 a big day. I'm a super fan of this man, Albarnachio. 0:00:20.840 --> 0:00:23.319 He has over twenty five years of experience as a 0:00:23.400 --> 0:00:27.040 human sexuality educator and consultant. He has done TED talks, 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:29.680 he has published articles, he has appeared on national programs, 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.720 and he's even written a book titled for Goodness, sex 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:35.760 Changing the Way we talked to young people about sexuality, 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:40.440 values and health. I first heard his genius on Katie 0:00:40.479 --> 0:00:42.879 Corex podcast and I was like, I gotta get this 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:46.320 guy on Katie's Crib because I have no idea how 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:49.560 to talk to my child about sex. Um, and you 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:53.920 are really good at talking kids and people about sex. 0:00:54.720 --> 0:00:59.440 Welcome to Katie's Crib. Al Bernacchio, thank you so much. 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:02.000 I'm told really excited to be here. I feel like 0:01:02.080 --> 0:01:06.360 this time has been really interesting because, um, We've done 0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:09.480 a lot of episodes on Katie's Crib this season about 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:11.880 talking to our kids about race, and a few times 0:01:11.959 --> 0:01:13.880 during those episodes, I've said, you know, it's crazy, my 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:15.839 parents didn't talk to me about race. My parents didn't 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:19.199 talk to me about sex and this is not good. 0:01:19.959 --> 0:01:22.640 This is a problem. And I feel very lucky that 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.480 I use Katie's Crib as a platform to teach listeners 0:01:25.680 --> 0:01:28.280 how we can do a better job and practice these 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:31.760 language skills that it requires to start talking to our 0:01:31.840 --> 0:01:34.720 children about things that maybe weren't discussed in our household, 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:39.280 or maybe they were discussed in a poor, shameful, um 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:44.120 not loving fashion. Can you first tell me what's the 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:49.920 distinction between sex and sexuality? Oh? Sure, that's a great 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:52.840 question to start with. UM. A lot of times when 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:58.520 people think about sex, they either automatically think about sexual 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:01.120 activity to sort of what parts you have and what 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:04.320 you do with them, or they think about gender and 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:08.120 sort of who you who you are inside your skin. Um, 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:12.200 But sexuality is much bigger than that. Sexuality involves all 0:02:12.240 --> 0:02:15.720 the parts of our body, including our sexual parts, but 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:24.160 it includes also our emotional capabilities, our relationship capabilities, you know, body, heart, mind, 0:02:24.360 --> 0:02:28.120 and spirit. If that's part of your belief system. Every 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:31.960 minute of the day, we're sexual. People were not sexually active. 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:36.640 But our sexuality is not something we can ever divorce 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:40.320 ourselves from or or put aside or leave at home. 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:43.280 When we go out to school or to work. Um, 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:45.840 to be human is to be sexual, and to be 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:48.359 sexual is to be human and so but unless we 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:51.520 have that kind of integrated view, it is really hard 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:55.359 to talk about with anybody because you're left thinking that 0:02:55.400 --> 0:03:00.960 you're gonna be talking about really intimate personal, specifically sexual 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:03.680 activity kind of things, and people get freaked out about that. 0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:06.960 I totally understand that, right. So you work mostly with 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:11.160 high school students, correct, I do. I'm My title is 0:03:11.200 --> 0:03:15.640 on the nursery through twelfth grade Sexuality Education Coordinator at 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:18.280 my school, So I'm in charge of doing sex said 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:22.280 for everybody, from our youngest students who are three years 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:25.560 old up to our oldest students who are eighteen years old. 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:29.040 But I do spend most of my time working with 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:32.040 the high school students. But you know, on the person 0:03:32.720 --> 0:03:34.720 my ship right now. Hold on a second. Is this 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:39.200 a title that exists in schools now? Because I don't 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:41.520 think it existed when I went to school. No, it 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:44.520 exists in my school because I'm there. It was an 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:47.240 interesting confluence when when I went to my school. When 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:49.960 I was hired twenty three years ago, I was actually 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:52.520 hired as a full time English teacher because that's another 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.640 thing that I do. UM. But I came to the 0:03:55.680 --> 0:04:00.200 school having already gotten a master's degree in human sexuality education, 0:04:01.040 --> 0:04:04.280 and I asked my school if they thought I might 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:06.960 be able to use that degree in the service of 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:09.560 our students, and so I sort of looked around the 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:13.280 school and did some needs assessments, and very slowly I've 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:17.600 been there twenty three years, and that title only became 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:21.599 really official in the last few years. But I've been 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:26.040 slowly building and doing sexuality education um, starting in the 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:27.919 high school and then moving to the middle school and 0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:31.359 moving to the lower school, all through that time, step 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:36.240 by step, you know, program by program, UM. And there 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:38.680 are some schools that have people like me in it, 0:04:38.880 --> 0:04:42.640 not a whole lot, But unfortunately, in many schools, you know, 0:04:42.720 --> 0:04:47.120 sexuality education is left to either science teachers, or health 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:51.200 and pe teachers or religion teachers, all of whom are 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:55.599 lovely people and who I'm sure love kids as much 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:57.560 in the same ways as I do. But they're not 0:04:57.640 --> 0:05:00.600 trained to do this work. And I'm specific we trained 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:04.800 to do it. And we're talking about like sex education 0:05:05.200 --> 0:05:09.080 versus what you just defined is the difference between sex, 0:05:09.160 --> 0:05:11.560 which yes, we all need to learn the mechanics of 0:05:11.560 --> 0:05:15.560 the whole thing. But sexuality is such a huge, huge 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:20.440 topic for hormonal teenagers. But also starting now, I mean 0:05:20.440 --> 0:05:22.160 with my three year old. When you say that you've 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:24.720 talked to three year olds about it, like, what am 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:29.560 I supposed to be doing? I mean, I would like 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:34.440 myself and our listeners to who a lot of them 0:05:34.480 --> 0:05:38.839 have little ones to do our part in raising little 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:43.600 people who are um woke when it comes to consent 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:47.720 and respectful of other people's bodies and things like that. 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:51.599 And I don't even like know where to start. Yeah, 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:56.600 of course, you know, nobody who becomes a parent suddenly 0:05:56.680 --> 0:06:00.760 gets imbewed with the the information or the skills to 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:04.599 do this. It's and that's part of why I also 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:07.279 work a lot with parents, because parents need help and 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:10.600 I totally get that. Um So, for little ones, I'm 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:12.839 going to take a cue from a guy named Danny Horne, 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:14.599 who is a sex educator that I've known for a 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.640 long time, and he says, with little ones, you focus 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:23.920 on three f's family, fairness and kind of fairy tale love. 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:27.400 So for for a little three year olds, when I 0:06:27.440 --> 0:06:29.760 go into the kindergarten in the pre k in my school, 0:06:30.320 --> 0:06:33.919 I bring story books that talk about diverse kinds of families, 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:37.600 that everybody's family is different, and everybody's family is about love, 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:43.320 about fairness, that nobody should be treated differently just because 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:46.400 they're a boy or a girl, or their transgender or 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:49.240 their cis gender, or they have two mommies or they 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:54.680 have two daddies, skin color, or a different ethnicity exactly exactly. 0:06:54.960 --> 0:06:57.039 And then the third one about sort of the Disney 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:59.920 fairy tale love, is that everybody deserves to love and 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:03.760 be loved, and that that's all kinds of love. Everybody, 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:06.200 you know, someday if they want, gets to have a sweetheart, 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:08.719 and that sweetheart can be a boy or a girl 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:12.640 or anybody that somebody loves. Everybody is worthy of love 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:17.880 from their family, from their friends, and someday from their sweethearts. 0:07:17.920 --> 0:07:22.040 So families, fairness and fairy tale love is a great 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:25.880 place to center when you're working with with little ones. 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:28.440 And that's the kind of work that I do. And 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:30.960 of course, you know, now we do need to talk 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:34.480 about things like consent. There are some great um books 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:38.160 out now, even little board books for teeny ones about 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:41.200 consent um. You know, it's a little bit different than 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:43.760 the good touch bad touch. That's also information we always 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:47.880 have to do. But consent is more about body positivity 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:51.920 and a sense of ownership and a sense of developing 0:07:51.960 --> 0:07:54.840 the beginnings of agency, about who gets to interact with 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:57.480 your body. Um, and those are things we can do 0:07:57.600 --> 0:07:59.680 with little kids, not in a sophisticated way, but in 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:02.520 a some away. I definitely have moments now where I'm 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:07.880 trying to practice, like, you know, one of his little friends, Um, 0:08:08.000 --> 0:08:10.320 you know, he'll just go up to her or him 0:08:10.480 --> 0:08:13.240 and you know, really like aggressively squeeze the ship out 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:15.520 of that person, right like he's so excited to see 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:18.120 that person. And I just try to intervene and say, hey, 0:08:18.200 --> 0:08:20.200 let's take a step back and let's ask can I 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:22.360 hug you? Would you like to get hugged or something 0:08:22.440 --> 0:08:24.240 like that, you know, And then and then I say, 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:27.080 he'll ask, and sometimes that kid says okay, and I'll 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:29.000 be will give a hug, And sometimes that kid says no, 0:08:29.560 --> 0:08:31.160 and then Alby does it anyway, and then I have 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:32.840 to say up, up, up. You know, they said no, 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:35.120 which means they don't want to receive a hug right now, 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:38.880 Like is that the sort of bait, like we can start. 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:41.600 There's an amazing lesson and that's a perfect way to 0:08:41.600 --> 0:08:44.640 do it. It's exhausting. My kid is like like the 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.760 King of like, oh, let me just invade your personal space. 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:50.520 I'm just like, well, I mean, all little kids are 0:08:50.600 --> 0:08:52.760 little kids. You know. Little kids are about about love 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.640 and connection and belonging and they just and so teaching 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:58.720 them that it's really important to ask people if they 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:01.200 want to hug, or if they want to play or 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:03.600 you know, if they want to high five or a 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:08.080 fist bump. And practicing that with them is an amazingly 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.960 important skill to start. And then you know, we sort 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.800 of transfer those skills as kids grow to more complex 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:17.719 situations about this fairy tale love? What do we do 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:23.000 about fairy tales that are you know what I'm gonna ask, boy, girl, 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:26.439 you know the same thing all the time. I'm sure 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:29.920 that we are hopefully getting better here that there are 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.720 board books that exist where people are falling in love 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:37.000 that aren't a blonde girl with like a small stomach 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:42.520 and boobs and some yeah, absolutely, and there there are 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:46.360 plenty of beautiful books that are written today for little 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:49.120 kids that have all kinds of relationships and all kinds 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:51.360 of love depicted, so it's not that hard to find 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:53.600 them if you if you look for them. Um. But 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:57.040 I think what's really important, A really simple thing, for example, 0:09:57.440 --> 0:09:59.800 is when we're talking to little kids, I very de 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:04.240 liberately use the word sweetheart instead of boyfriend or girlfriend, 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:07.760 because I want to model that those aren't the only 0:10:07.800 --> 0:10:11.920 two asticating right on that anticipating or expecting that their 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:15.000 sweetheart is going to be any particular gender or have 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:18.320 any particular body. So um, and then I like to 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:21.080 point out, so you know, Uncle Dave and Uncle Joe 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.679 are sweethearts, and mommy and Daddy are sweethearts, and you know, 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:27.719 and and that way they begin to understand that term 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:31.400 and the multiple ways that term can be applied. Um. 0:10:31.440 --> 0:10:34.120 So even the very choice of our language is key 0:10:34.240 --> 0:10:38.040 when talking with little kids, because we're modeling the kind 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:42.920 of inclusivity and the kind of of openness that we're 0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:47.000 hoping to develop. You developed an alternative approach to sex 0:10:47.120 --> 0:10:49.680 education Before we get into that, can you share? I 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:52.520 thought this was fascinating in your TED talk that there 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:55.800 are two sex said models that listeners may be familiar 0:10:55.840 --> 0:10:59.440 with but haven't analyzed. There's the disaster prevention model and 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:04.520 the porn model, right, can you explain those two things? Sure? 0:11:05.040 --> 0:11:09.320 So the disaster model is the way a lot of people, um, 0:11:09.400 --> 0:11:12.960 in my generation I'm fifty six, grew up, which is 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:17.480 hearing messages like, um, sex is a beautiful thing, but 0:11:17.559 --> 0:11:21.280 if you do it wrong, gonna kill you. And um, 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:24.080 you know, sex is perfect when it's with the one 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:28.160 you love in a beautiful married relationship, but anything else 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:30.720 is going to leave you with like wards and scales 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:34.520 and horrible diseases. Um. And it was a lot about 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:38.760 fear and a lot about we can't tell kids the 0:11:39.120 --> 0:11:43.520 joyful parts about healthy sexuality because that's going to lead 0:11:43.559 --> 0:11:46.280 them to do things are not ready for. So we 0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:49.040 make this disaster model that tries to scare kids and 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:51.120 they're not having sex. And of course that never worked. 0:11:51.720 --> 0:11:54.320 All it did was make us doubt adults were telling 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.120 us the truth about anything. Um. But a lot of 0:11:57.200 --> 0:11:59.560 us grew up with that model, and it it's in 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:03.559 City as Lee sort of inserted itself into a lot 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:07.240 of our media, a lot of our education, a lot 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:09.120 of our parenting. So we have to be on the 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.720 lookout for that, you know, when are we conveying negative 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:16.719 messages out of fear. Um, if we're doing that, we're 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:21.680 following the disaster model. The porn model has always been there, 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:24.800 but really has come to light obviously with the advent 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:27.600 of the digital world and the Internet and the easy 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:32.800 accessibility of pornography and sexually explicit material. And the porn 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:36.440 model says that kind of no matter what you're doing, 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:39.200 it's somehow going to lead to sex, which I don't 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:43.080 know about your life. My life. Every porn is like, oh, 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:46.360 we're in a desk office situation. Oh, whoopsie, dipsy, I 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:48.720 have to change my tire. Up here we go, we're 0:12:48.760 --> 0:12:51.120 cleaning out the refrigerator. What else we got? It's like 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:55.280 up and now we're yep. And then the other thing 0:12:55.320 --> 0:12:57.640 the porn model says, which I think is even more damaging, 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:01.880 is that the sex that people have have isn't integrated 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:04.400 or connected to the rest of their lives in any 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:08.640 meaningful way. So, like, you know, as an English teacher, 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:12.920 I can say that most of the sexually explicit stories 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:15.560 I've seen are not big on plot. You know, there's 0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:18.520 not a lot of like character development, and uh, I 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:20.440 don't know who these people are. I don't know the 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:23.319 kind of lives they have, I don't know what their 0:13:23.360 --> 0:13:26.560 interests are. And and for healthy sexuality, we have to 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:30.400 integrate our sexual lives into the fabric of the rest 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:32.720 of our lives. So my high school kids, I often 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:35.360 ask them this question. I say, well, so, if you've 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:39.120 ever seen material like that, did you ever wonder what 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:43.360 the people in those movies are doing? Twenty minutes after 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:49.120 the camera turned off? They don't write, you know, do 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:51.520 these people grocery shop? Do they have kids? Do they 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:53.920 go to church? Do they have parents? I mean, the 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:57.720 answer to that is some of that's true for most 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:00.560 of those people. But porn doesn't show us that focuses 0:14:00.559 --> 0:14:04.960 our lives solely on the sexually active part of our lives, 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:08.240 and it isolates that part, and it also sort of 0:14:08.320 --> 0:14:13.440 fetishizes and fantasizes those parts because you're seeing bodies that 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:18.679 don't look like typical bodies, and you're seeing sex that 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:22.720 isn't like the sex that most people I know have. 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:24.840 I mean, I always tell my high school kids that 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:30.320 you know, there there is nothing more fumbly and funny 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:33.800 and awkward than being sexual with somebody, and that that's 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:35.440 that's part of the magic of it. You know, it 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.600 doesn't ever work like it is on TV and in 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:41.440 the movies because that's staged and constructed. Oh I know, 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:44.040 it's the worst. Let me tell you, it's awkward for 0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:47.880 us to when we do sex scenes. It's like, oh 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.040 my god, I have to like literally make out with 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:52.080 someone in front of a hundred and fifty people that 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:54.720 I've never made out with before, and I'm well aware 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:56.800 that it's not going to look great. It's going to 0:14:56.880 --> 0:14:59.440 be weird. We have to have conversations. Thank god, there's 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:02.960 intimacy coordinators now, but like conversations about like are you 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:07.200 cool with tongue? Are you not? Like are we making sound? 0:15:07.200 --> 0:15:08.600 Are we not? Because I don't want to be lift 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:11.160 out to dry out there. I mean, it is so awkward. 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:14.160 But that's just a side note for any of you 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:17.160 actors listening who feel me. But I heard correct me 0:15:17.160 --> 0:15:21.080 if I'm wrong. At the average age now for kids 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:24.960 to see porn, and a lot of times violent porn, 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:29.960 like is eleven? Is that true? That's true. That's that's 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:32.280 the average. Some kids are seeing it younger than that, 0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:35.320 some kids older. But you know, by the age of eleven, 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:38.440 we can assume that most kids have seen some example 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:43.520 of often violently sexually explicit materially and it's not ques 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:46.800 there looking for it. It's caused their online and they 0:15:46.840 --> 0:15:49.920 fumble into it, or they friend picked it up and 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:54.320 everybody they misspell things into a search engine, all kinds 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:59.000 of ways. Absolutely. I can remember in my age, I 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:03.960 had like one the first computers. Um, My girlfriend came 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.600 over and we googled. This is how far we've come. Guys. 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:11.000 We googled Michelangelo's David and zeroed in on on the 0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:14.960 penis and like that was crazy. Do you know what 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:29.400 I mean? It's like, we have come so far? How 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:34.280 are we supposed to prepare our kids for that inevitable? 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:36.640 Like anyone listening who's like, that's not going to be 0:16:36.680 --> 0:16:39.600 my kid, You're crazy. Let's just accept your kids going 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:43.520 to see some crazy, freaky ass porn around the age 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:47.160 of eleven. What do we do if an amazing Albarnakio 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:51.360 is not in our school? So the first thing you 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:54.560 have to think about is what kind of conversations have 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:58.040 I been having with my kids about just general media, 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:01.320 about what they see on TV, about what they what 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:04.560 they see in cartoons? Um, are we talking about the 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:08.840 way gender is portrayed. Are we talking about real versus fake? 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:12.600 Are we talking about how what we're watching is often 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:17.359 constructed and really different from the way it happens in 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:21.959 real life. If we started those conversations, the porn conversation 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:25.280 is just an extension of that. It's just saying this 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:29.359 is material that sort of goes in many ways to 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:34.080 the extreme, with the um fake versus real stuff that 0:17:34.440 --> 0:17:36.720 it looks like. I mean, yes, these are real naked 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:41.119 people and they're really kissing or they're really doing sexual things, 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:44.439 but there are camera people, and there are scripts, and 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:47.000 there's lighting and there's a whole bunch of things that 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:51.200 are creating it to look like it's natural when it's 0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:53.960 really not. Here's the difference of what it looks like 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:55.840 when it's sort of natural. And I don't mean showing 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:58.720 kids that, I mean talking about those differences. You know, 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:02.240 I say that, um, thinking that you can learn how 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:05.040 to have sex from watching porn is like thinking you 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:07.080 can learn how to drive by watching The Fast and 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:12.200 the Furious. Totally, that's a great analogy. So a really 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:15.520 simple language like that can help. And I also think 0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:18.880 it's really important that we and this is really hard, 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:21.040 so we sort of summon our courage and we sort 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:25.320 of lean into this. UM. We don't want to shame 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:28.800 kids for being curious, because a lot of kids, especially 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:32.360 younger kids who are looking at porn, are really curious 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:37.399 about bodies and about sex and about relationships. And so 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:41.879 we also need material that we can offer to kids. 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:46.879 So websites like sex etcetera, or amazed dot org or 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:50.080 if they're a little older, Scarlet Team. There are plenty 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.000 of really good websites out there that are designed for 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:58.840 young people that give clear information about this. I mean, 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:01.560 one of my favorites these days is amazed dot org. 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:06.160 There are these tiny um animated videos there are three, 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:11.840 four or five minutes long about everything from consent to pornography, 0:19:12.040 --> 0:19:16.680 to periods, two bodies to your first kiss. And they're 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:21.479 amazing and beautiful and so carefully done. UM. And so 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:24.800 to say, look, if you're curious about something, I want 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:27.439 to actually help you find out what you want to know. 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:29.879 This is not the best way to learn about that. 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:33.200 Let's try this. UM Now. I know that a lot 0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:37.440 of parents may feel discomfort around that, you know, and 0:19:37.560 --> 0:19:41.280 I think the key is really being able to find 0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:44.720 websites and books for all different ages that that people 0:19:44.720 --> 0:19:46.879 can look to. And I think it's really just a 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:50.199 matter of not if you're going to have that conversation, 0:19:50.280 --> 0:19:52.879 but when and how have you been leading up to 0:19:52.920 --> 0:19:56.160 that conversation in what you're doing. You have to really 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:57.960 make it an add on to what you're doing. It 0:19:58.000 --> 0:20:00.440 can't just be a whole new conversation. It's gotta have 0:20:01.119 --> 0:20:05.040 It's like all these little building blocks that have been 0:20:05.080 --> 0:20:08.000 placed along the way, and you might feel embarrassed, but 0:20:08.040 --> 0:20:10.879 you have to put that aside and say something like, hey, dude, 0:20:10.880 --> 0:20:12.560 like I I really want to talk to you about 0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:14.560 this stuff. I'm going to go think about it for 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:16.639 a minute and come back to you, you know, tonight 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:18.639 or tomorrow. We can talk about this, you know. But 0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:21.720 it's like really making sure you can be open to 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:26.000 the opportunity when your kids ask questions or are curious. Yeah, 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:28.880 my friend Deva Rothman says it's much better to have 0:20:29.320 --> 0:20:32.159 a hundred one minute talks with your kid than one 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:34.679 minute talk, right, And they don't all need to be 0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:37.359 like heavy, deep and reel, just a just a comment 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:40.919 that shows you acknowledge and you're observing. Wow, that's not 0:20:41.000 --> 0:20:44.360 the way that I think about women when I think 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:47.119 about them the way this music video shows them, something like, 0:20:47.160 --> 0:20:49.040 that's a conversation, right, it doesn't need to be a 0:20:49.080 --> 0:20:51.360 whole big deal. That's really great. I my parents never 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:54.760 talked to me um about sex, even though we were 0:20:54.800 --> 0:20:59.080 a very um like open household. I grew up in 0:20:59.119 --> 0:21:01.359 a house that only had one bathroom and there were 0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:03.840 four of us, and so it was like non negotiable that, 0:21:03.920 --> 0:21:07.280 like everybody was in there at one time in bras underwear. 0:21:07.280 --> 0:21:09.320 It's like like it was the reality of the situation. 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:11.440 Like they were very open, but they never talked to 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:15.960 me about sex until my cousin got pregnant at sixteen 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:18.520 and my mom came burst into the bathroom and was like, 0:21:19.640 --> 0:21:22.600 are you practicing safe sex? Do you use a condom? 0:21:22.680 --> 0:21:28.040 Like it was so it was like insane um And 0:21:28.359 --> 0:21:30.040 it was the first time we'd ever talked about sex, 0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:33.160 and it was aggressive and scary. And I already knew 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:35.840 all that, Like I was already sixteen, already knew about condoms, 0:21:35.840 --> 0:21:37.879 already new about sex. I already lost my virginity, like 0:21:37.920 --> 0:21:39.320 it was, you know what I mean, it was already 0:21:39.320 --> 0:21:43.840 at old that but like she freaked out because it 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:48.080 became a reality to her that I could get pregnant. 0:21:48.480 --> 0:21:52.640 You know, Um, when are people suggested to to have 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:56.440 conversations with their daughters about birth control? Or like, are 0:21:56.440 --> 0:21:58.159 we supposed to wait for them to bring it up? 0:21:58.280 --> 0:22:00.520 Or do we bring it up in these little versations 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:04.000 along the way. Well, like most questions, there's not one 0:22:04.000 --> 0:22:07.639 definitive answer. Some people feel more comfortable kind of waiting 0:22:07.680 --> 0:22:11.240 until the kids bring it up. That's not my favorite 0:22:11.240 --> 0:22:14.480 strategy because I think we need to be giving kids 0:22:14.480 --> 0:22:18.440 messages all along. So even if they're not bringing it up, 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:20.439 I think it's important for us not to say, like, 0:22:20.480 --> 0:22:21.840 are you having sex? And do you know how to 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:25.720 use a condom? But um, hey have they talked about 0:22:26.119 --> 0:22:28.919 condoms in school or when you're watching TV? Hey? Do 0:22:28.960 --> 0:22:31.399 you know when people say having sex? Do you know 0:22:31.440 --> 0:22:34.560 what that means? Um? And I think putting it also 0:22:34.720 --> 0:22:37.239 in the sense of I want to make sure that 0:22:37.359 --> 0:22:43.400 you can have the most positive, healthy, you know, enjoyable 0:22:43.400 --> 0:22:47.280 experiences that that you can have when it's time to 0:22:47.320 --> 0:22:49.880 have them. This is one place where Europe just does 0:22:49.920 --> 0:22:51.880 so much better than we do. You know, Europeans are 0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:55.439 much more calm about talking about sex with their kids. 0:22:55.840 --> 0:22:59.840 They're much more at ease thinking about older teens as 0:23:00.000 --> 0:23:03.120 becoming sexually active and that that's sort of a natural, 0:23:03.200 --> 0:23:06.640