WEBVTT - “THE NAVY RUINED ME” 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:04.160 Paul from John to accept Press one to send a 0:00:04.200 --> 0:00:06.200 voicemail Press te Hi Lyle. 0:00:07.440 --> 0:00:09.119 Hello, who is this? 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:11.160 This is John John. 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:12.399 How can I get you today? 0:00:12.400 --> 0:00:12.560 Man? 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:13.200 What's going on? 0:00:13.640 --> 0:00:17.759 Well, I'm just calling in to talk about some stuff 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:26.320 that's happening or has been happening in my life post military. Sure, 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:33.680 I was working for the Navy, the US Navy on 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:41.200 a submarine back in the twenty tens, and pretty much 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:47.320 I feel like my life is in shambles afterwards. And 0:00:47.440 --> 0:00:53.240 the government's response to that stuff was just like, Okay, 0:00:53.560 --> 0:00:57.080 we see what happens here. It's fucked up. Here's your money. 0:00:57.880 --> 0:01:04.679 But now I can't pursue like a career education and 0:01:04.800 --> 0:01:09.319 like stuff like that. It's kind of like a permanent hiatus. 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:13.200 I'm basically forced to be in this retirement in such 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:17.839 an early life that I'm lost because of a typical 0:01:18.200 --> 0:01:24.319 you know, bureaucracy fuck ups. Sorry, can I curse? I 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:25.120 don't know if I can. 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:28.280 You can say whatever the fuck you want on here, John? 0:01:29.600 --> 0:01:39.280 All right, So yeah, it's just a rough bag to get. 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.880 You know, I'm only twenty seven and I'm basically living 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:44.840 life like I'm fifty six. 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:51.640 Wait a minute, so you were you were in the 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:53.000 military in twenty ten. 0:01:54.680 --> 0:02:00.840 No, no, twenty fifteen, sixteen. 0:02:01.080 --> 0:02:08.240 Okay, Now, if you want to go into it, you can. 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:10.160 If you don't, that's fine. But what was it about 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:16.240 being in the military that that left you, that left you, 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:17.360 that left you fucked up? 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:17.639 Yeah? 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:24.240 Uh, well, they don't have a really efficient pathway for 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:29.120 like really serious like stuff that could happen to the 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:32.600 people they recruit. For instance, like they try to recruit 0:02:32.639 --> 0:02:36.720 from like young ages, right, but they don't really coordinate 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:39.360 and like figure out like, okay, what kind of health 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:44.079 risks can this person have? Right? So what happened to 0:02:44.160 --> 0:02:50.720 me is I'm perfectly healthy, fit, ready to go head 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:54.560 out there, pass all my stuff, do all my calls, 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:58.920 stay physically fit. And then I think it was about 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:05.440 nineteen years old, something in my head snapped. And I 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:08.040 don't know if it was because it's a submarine and 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:10.400 I'm six foot, if I hit my head too many 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:15.040 times or what, but like I started going down a 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:21.360 path that was like very strange, out of character, and yeah, 0:03:21.800 --> 0:03:25.120 it was. It was very weird for a few months. 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:30.280 And the health pathline in the military when you're out 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:38.320 doing something like that is very non investigated, you know. 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:45.000 They basically were like, you're just making you're healthy. Look 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:49.240 at you, nothing's wrong, you know. And then it got 0:03:49.280 --> 0:03:52.000 worse because they were like, he's just acting out because 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:57.440 he's depressed, obviously, and so they prescribed like the prozac, 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:01.560 and when that was working, increase the dose week by 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:07.400 week until I was like at the maximum dosage for months. 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:13.200 And this is long winded and really shitty. I hate 0:04:13.240 --> 0:04:14.080 to bring this here. 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:19.520 Listen listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Sorry, I'm so sorry. 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:22.760 I'm fucking suck at names. What's your name again? It's 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:28.240 John John Lowell. Look, here's the thing. I'm it's not 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:32.000 long winded. I'll say this. Are you Is it like, 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:35.680 as you're talking about this stuff, is it or is 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:37.760 it helpful for you to talk about it? 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:42.760 Well, obviously, I feel like this is a great way 0:04:42.880 --> 0:04:44.480 to take off. 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:45.479 Okay, cool. 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:50.560 I haven't really told anyone other than like VA therapists, 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:53.599 So I feel like it's good to get out there 0:04:53.960 --> 0:04:55.440 at least so capacity. 0:04:56.160 --> 0:04:59.960 So as I understand it so far, you were nineteen, 0:05:00.360 --> 0:05:05.159 You're in the submarine, something in your brain snaps. You 0:05:05.200 --> 0:05:13.200 go to UH Military Health Services, and you kind of 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:15.280 go through a bunch of lifes and and by the way, 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:17.320 I listen, before we even go any further into this, 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:19.880 just do you talk to a therapist? 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:24.719 Now? Oh, oh, that's something I should add. I'm a 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:31.599 complete Uh, I've completed all forms of like behavioral health therapy, 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:36.320 A graduated a bunch of programs. It's okay, posts, so 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:39.360 I'm very good at this moment. 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:44.760 Okay, Oh so you're doing great now yeah? Yeah, really well, okay, 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:48.400 I will I thought I thought I thought you said 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:49.440 your life wasn't shambles. 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:53.919 Well, yeah, at least in terms of like passing wise, 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:58.640 my life is in shambles because of the circumstances. Like 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:03.520 you have to understand, I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia and yet 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:09.320 I'm I'm here speaking and talking with you like like everything. 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:14.280 You wouldn't really know if we met and talked for 0:06:14.360 --> 0:06:17.719 like ten minutes. You know, you kind of feel like 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:23.919 something's up, but like, yeah, I'm pretty pretty. 0:06:23.640 --> 0:06:33.800 Mellow, cool man cool. So hmm hmm. Do you what 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:38.080 when you went through all this like mental health like 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.159 stuff and these programs, like what did they tell you 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:43.440 anything that was like helpful for you? 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:51.200 For me, it was uh, trying to not assign guilt 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:56.800 for what happened, you know, at the time. Like I 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:01.799 can't blame the military as a whole. I can't blame 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:06.640 you know, myself because it's out of my control. The 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:10.120 only people I could really assign any blame was like 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:17.200 superiors or like people that actively harassed and like made 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:24.840 life worse for other people. But I can't need or 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:28.760 receive them again. I mean, hell, they were so old. 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:32.840 Probably half of them are buried. I'm not really too sure. 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:37.480 So it's kind of like to make peace with it. 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:43.400 So so I mean, let's do this. Let's talk about 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:48.360 right now. Because you say that you're doing good. I'm 0:07:48.400 --> 0:07:51.360 glad to hear that. What I mean, what's going on 0:07:51.440 --> 0:07:53.960 in your life right now? You were saying earlier that 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.720 you were felt like you were living like you know, 0:07:56.760 --> 0:08:01.360 you were in your fifties. Tell me, well, tell me this, 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:06.160 what what is it if you can, if you have 0:08:06.400 --> 0:08:08.480 ideas of it even what is it that you want 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:12.720 out of your life right now that you don't feel 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:17.800 like you can attain or is there anything even like that? 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:24.960 I would say attaining stable housing is like the craziest 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:30.400 thing to do nowadays, Like I can't plant roots nowhere. 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:35.360 I can't own chickens nowhere. I can't like pursue a 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:40.199 life that I would perceive as like peaceful and in 0:08:40.240 --> 0:08:44.880 my control. For the most part, I've been living half 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:47.520 out of a storage unit for like a year and 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:47.920 a half. 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:49.560 What are you calling it? 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:56.440 Just because oh no, no, I had to move back 0:08:56.480 --> 0:09:00.760 in with like my parents. So that's like another thing 0:09:01.520 --> 0:09:09.240 that people typically have to do. Sorry, I'm paying a lot. 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:15.800 I should get out of the heat man. So what 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:18.840 I'm trying to figure out is like, because it took 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:23.960 seven years to fight for like the medical evaluations and 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:29.520 the disability and all that stuff, it's practically put me 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:31.280 in a hole where it's like, well, now I can't 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:36.560 even make money on the side, I can't pursue like 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:44.880 a job, so I'm just stuck at home or like 0:09:45.360 --> 0:09:49.080 helping others. That's pretty much it. I can't take money, 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:54.960 but it's like not enough to pay for like rentals 0:09:56.040 --> 0:10:00.280 in my area. So it's kind of like a weird, 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:05.400 floating gray area where I can survive, but I can't 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:16.439 like pursue like home ownership or higher education that stuff. 0:10:16.720 --> 0:10:21.960 So I'm stuck at this level where I'm just is 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:24.360 the right above the poverty. 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:30.000 Line and so ut so is the government? Did they 0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:33.959 just give you like here's a big one time check 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.080 or where they are they like occurringly. 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:40.600 Giving you until it's until I croak. 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:44.960 Oh so you get okay, So you get recurring payments 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:49.360 from the government from the result of your services. Okay, 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:54.199 and that's enough money for you to survive. Yeah, okay. 0:10:55.640 --> 0:11:00.400 And it's like, I feel like I'm not providing enough 0:11:01.960 --> 0:11:04.560 because I feel like, oh, I'm approaching thirty, I should 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:05.280 have a house. 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:08.240 Did you say just that you're Did you say you're married? 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:09.800 Yeah? 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:12.760 Tell me, tell me about your wife. 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:18.760 She's amazing. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere or fought for 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:21.560 myself at all if she didn't like kick me in 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:25.400 the ass and say go fight for what's yours. You know, 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:30.360 it took seven years, just like back and forth with 0:11:30.480 --> 0:11:33.120 the system for them to be like, oh, yeah, I 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:39.600 remember you, I see that you exist. So yes, if 0:11:39.640 --> 0:11:43.120 she didn't fight for me, none of this would have 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:46.040 been happen and I wouldn't be speaking with just straight. 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:50.480 That's really lovely, man. How did you guys meet? 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:53.200 This is weird Facebook dating. 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:55.880 That is weird. Yeah, that is very weird. 0:11:56.920 --> 0:12:00.760 Yeah, when they did that, it was like we both 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:05.720 joined within a week of it like starting, and it 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:09.480 was just a chance encounter. We were both thinking about 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:14.640 like deleting different sites. So it was just like, I 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:17.360 don't know, I don't like to believe in fate because 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:21.520 it feels too spiritual to me. But I was like, damn, 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:24.680 what are the chances? It's very slim. 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:30.640 Well, it's funny because even if you are diagnosed schizophrenic, 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:34.920 you are probably one of the more sane people on 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:35.800 Facebook dating. 0:12:37.960 --> 0:12:40.120 Only stay for as long as you need to pick 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:44.360 one person and then leave all dating sites. That's my advice. 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:48.319 And then if that don't pan out, try again. So 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:52.679 just don't stay on those sites. People are crazy. 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:55.400 Yeah, did you have any like weird encounters? 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:03.680 When I was more vulnerable post psychosis, a lot of 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:07.920 ladies out there kind of brought me over and used 0:13:08.000 --> 0:13:11.800 me and a wood like ghost. So and it's not 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:14.320 like use me for food either, it's like get me 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:21.040 drunk or high and then you know, So a lot 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:25.840 of my relationships were like that. There wasn't anything labeled 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:32.200 or serious. It was very It's probably why I'm I'm 0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:37.320 for four years in this relationship and I still don't 0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:43.080 know how to like perform intimacy, so like hugging and 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:49.040 you know, properly cling and stuff like that. So it's 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:50.600 it's a learning process for me. 0:13:51.320 --> 0:13:53.719 Do you still I know you that that there's all 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:55.720 these like programs and stuff, But do you still, like, 0:13:55.800 --> 0:13:58.920 do you see a therapist like regularly who can help 0:13:58.920 --> 0:13:59.760 you with these kinds of things? 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:04.760 Yeah, I have a doctor and I have a psychologist. 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:09.400 Okay, it ends like go ahead. 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:13.360 Yeah, it's just like process to the level where I'm 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:16.880 I'm not talking to someone every week. I'm like talking 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:20.400 to someone every two months because they're confident that I 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:26.560 have enough control over my life and my medicine to 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:28.480 just be stable at this point. 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.760 Do you do you do you feel that way? 0:14:31.840 --> 0:14:32.440 Yeah? I do. 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:33.360 That's great. 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:37.479 I feel like I'm possibly the most saying schizophrenic. 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:41.000 On Hell that's a that's a badge of honor. 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:43.200 I certainly hope. 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:48.480 So that's cool man, Hell yeah, I mean no, I really, 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:52.960 I really mean it. It is. It is cool too. You know, 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:57.280 I've undergone that affliction, but you're still like, you know, 0:14:57.520 --> 0:14:59.760 for for as difficult as that is, to to deal 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:03.800 with it. Sounds like you're dealing with it very well. 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:08.680 Yeah, a lot of times nobody knows. That's something that 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:13.200 I always kind of like, don't mean to joke around, 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.480 but I'm always like, man, absolutely nobody in this room 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:22.320 knows that I'm I had like a psychotic episode, and 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:27.520 like actively now I see and hear things that they don't. 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:30.320 So it's kind of like a thing that I keep 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:31.040 to myself. 0:15:33.160 --> 0:15:36.280 And what was I gonna say? Oh, yeah, so I 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:40.000 guess back to like, so you're making enough to survive 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:45.760 from the government, but you feel like I guess and 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:48.080 and forgive me if it's if, if if this is 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:52.080 just me being ignorant of of of the affliction, but like, 0:15:54.840 --> 0:15:58.040 are you are you unable? Are you unable to get 0:15:58.040 --> 0:16:02.320 a job because of this? Are you unable to do 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:03.880 for money? 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:09.800 I can't pursue work because retroactively, once I got the 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:17.120 VAH stuff done, Social Security came in and did an evaluation. 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.160 Basically they said the only job they felt like I 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:25.080 could do was making grammets for the next forty years, 0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:34.520 like rubber grammets. It's like a feal that's usually used 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:36.840 in like mechanics. 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:40.600 Okay, I thought I thought it was I thought it 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:42.840 was that clay dog. You know what I'm talking about. 0:16:43.240 --> 0:16:50.239 Oh yeah, yeah, of course anyway, but yeah, Social Security 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:53.760 basically said, okay, we don't think you can work in 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.000 this economy and workforce. 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:04.879 So so so so so social so you can fucking 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:08.480 go down to McDonald's and put in an application and 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:11.600 they run your Social Security number and they come back 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:14.600 and they're like, sorry, social Security says that you're not 0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:15.359 fit to work. 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:21.440 Yeah. Like, like, if I do start working, it would 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:23.920 have to be through Social Security. They have a bunch 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:27.920 of programs where agent figures out where I go work. Yeah, 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:31.840 but if I do that, then it gets shady because 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:34.960 they can start taxing me again, and they can start 0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:38.560 like shaving off what they pay me, so it just 0:17:38.680 --> 0:17:42.560 evens out. So if I make like two thousand dollars 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:47.239 from working my job, it would probably just end up 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:53.119 being like seventeen hundred because of Social Security being like 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:59.680 and I'll just take this. You know, you don't get this, 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:03.120 this you made too much. It's a lot of stuff 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:06.800 like that. When you're married and disabled, it's like, oh, 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:10.040 the government gets to stick its nose and practically every 0:18:10.040 --> 0:18:14.880 single thing that I choose to do. I pretty much 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.280 summed it up to I should just pursue a life 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:22.040 where I owned my land, improve my home and like 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:27.480 raised bees and like raised chickens. Does that sound like 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:28.840 that it's the plan right now? 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:30.399 Does that sound like a good life to you? 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:35.240 Yeah? I mean it's something they can't tax, It's something 0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:38.679 they can't say I'm doing a like job over and 0:18:38.760 --> 0:18:41.800 it's something I feel like I'm giving back to the planet. 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:44.600 You know, Yeah, some way with my life. 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:47.320 I like that, man, I really like that. I wanted 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:49.360 to actually touch on that real quick because you told 0:18:49.400 --> 0:18:53.639 me something you said, like you said, like you can't work. 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:57.000 All you do is uh you said you live with 0:18:57.040 --> 0:19:01.760 your parents and you and you help people. You said that, Yeah, 0:19:01.920 --> 0:19:03.280 tell me about I try. 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:08.159 I'd try to like branch out to like people that 0:19:09.080 --> 0:19:11.840 are kind of like in circumstances that I was in. 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:17.520 So like, if somebody is struggling with fighting for their 0:19:17.680 --> 0:19:23.240 much deserved benefits because they served or x Y, I 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:26.920 try my best to get in contact and basically tell them, Okay, 0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:31.439 you gotta be the squeaky wheel. Only the squeaky wheel 0:19:31.480 --> 0:19:35.959 gets the grease. You know, you gotta you gotta keep 0:19:36.160 --> 0:19:39.240 bugging them even if they tell you no three or 0:19:39.280 --> 0:19:42.719 four times like they did to me, because that's what 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:47.000 they'll do if they feel like they can. Mm hmmm. 0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:53.520 Do you know a lot of do you personally like? 0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:56.080 I mean, I don't know if they ever you know, 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:58.080 had to do any group therapy or anything like that. 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:00.240 But do you know a lot of other people in 0:20:00.320 --> 0:20:01.520 similar situations as you? 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:06.080 Yeah, in in the area on Matt there's a lot 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:09.280 of veterans that don't don't get help, or don't know 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:13.520 how to, don't have access to even file for stuff. 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:16.400 That's why the vet centers in your local area are 0:20:16.440 --> 0:20:21.919 pretty important. People need printers and fax machines and to 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:27.359 even respond to them. So it's really important to like 0:20:27.480 --> 0:20:30.359 support your local vet center because you don't know, it 0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:35.440 could have nothing. It could be sleeping on cardboard, no documents, 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:39.480 you know, so it's really hard. 0:20:40.320 --> 0:20:44.440 What are you doing? I guess what are the steps 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:49.200 between you and being able to cultivate some lands? 0:20:52.880 --> 0:21:00.320 Well? Going through a prodromal phase schizophrenia, being I had 0:21:00.359 --> 0:21:06.240 a high dosage of prozac was like horrible. It put 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:11.159 like a heavy damper on my credit score for years, 0:21:11.680 --> 0:21:15.440 because when you're in that kind of mind state, it's 0:21:15.480 --> 0:21:20.199 like it was like a haze. I did because of 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:24.120 the prescription and my brain being funny. I like racked 0:21:24.200 --> 0:21:31.200 up one hundred thousand dollars in debt in like three months. 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:36.920 Three months? How does that happen? Every time I think back, 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:41.440 I'm like, I have no idea. So that's all paid 0:21:41.440 --> 0:21:46.560 off to currently, but in my credit score is better now. 0:21:47.560 --> 0:21:51.480 But that was probably the biggest damper on like fixing 0:21:51.520 --> 0:21:59.119 all of that. I can't afford a mortgage unless I 0:21:59.240 --> 0:22:05.920 moved to Kentucky, That's what I see. And then the rentals, 0:22:06.000 --> 0:22:10.000 it's like half of my assets they ask for and 0:22:10.040 --> 0:22:13.119 then say, oh, you have to pay the utilities. Also, 0:22:14.280 --> 0:22:17.040 I can't wait to eat fifty dollars worth of groceries 0:22:17.080 --> 0:22:23.400 for the month. That's the West side of the country 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:27.360 in terms of like rental. I feel like there's some 0:22:27.400 --> 0:22:33.280 sort of malignant monopoly causing everyone to just increase their 0:22:33.320 --> 0:22:42.440 prices to ludicrous standards. I think they're hoping somebody from 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:44.639 out of state who doesn't know any better is going 0:22:44.720 --> 0:22:49.360 to come in and outfit the price, and they don't know. 0:22:49.520 --> 0:22:58.280 Washington has like heavy mold leak, termite problems, land erosion. 0:22:59.119 --> 0:23:02.360 They just don't care. They're gonna just turn it all 0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:03.919 into seattle eventually. 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:09.639 So can I ask you a weird question? Maybe this 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:12.000 isn't a weird question, but can I ask you a question? 0:23:12.119 --> 0:23:15.240 What? Go ahead? Yeah, I'm free and open. 0:23:15.760 --> 0:23:17.399 Do you do it? What do you do for fun? 0:23:19.200 --> 0:23:27.080 I like beach crawling? Okay, it's if you go to 0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:31.919 like abandoned areas of like some shoreline near you. You 0:23:32.160 --> 0:23:36.000 just walk, like you have to hike first, but then 0:23:36.040 --> 0:23:38.479 you walk the beach and you can find some pretty 0:23:38.840 --> 0:23:42.639 wacky stuff. Man. A lot of people keep sea globes, 0:23:42.680 --> 0:23:47.000 but I'm more interested in like the stuff where you're like, 0:23:47.200 --> 0:23:50.160 how far did this have to drift to get here? 0:23:50.600 --> 0:23:53.040 A lot of the Chinese stuff is kind of crazy 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:57.200 to think about your like that had to drift all 0:23:57.280 --> 0:24:01.640 the way through the Pacific to end up here. That's 0:24:01.640 --> 0:24:07.880 the stuff that makes me go wow. You know, sometimes dolls, 0:24:08.000 --> 0:24:10.760 I don't know why dolls end up in the ocean, 0:24:10.840 --> 0:24:13.320 but sometimes do. 0:24:13.280 --> 0:24:15.840 You have you collected a lot of different things? Like 0:24:15.880 --> 0:24:17.679 do you do you do you keep any of this stuff? 0:24:19.240 --> 0:24:21.159 I keep the ones that I know I can, like 0:24:21.720 --> 0:24:25.840 preserve or keep keep as is Is. 0:24:25.760 --> 0:24:29.240 There anything in particular that you've that you've kept that 0:24:29.320 --> 0:24:33.440 you you hold a fondness of that you you want 0:24:33.440 --> 0:24:33.800 to share. 0:24:36.440 --> 0:24:41.760 A really really heavy tin iNKT I didn't know it 0:24:41.800 --> 0:24:45.159 was a tin inkit because it was covered in barnacles. 0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:52.720 But it's a like three pound block of tin covered 0:24:52.760 --> 0:24:56.760 in barnacles. Talked a bottom and they were dead by 0:24:56.800 --> 0:24:58.520 the time I got to it. But it was a 0:24:58.560 --> 0:25:02.200 really interesting find. Be like, what's under here? Oh a 0:25:02.240 --> 0:25:07.199 metal bar? You know? Uh? 0:25:07.440 --> 0:25:11.880 Well, listen, man, I I I do gotta say. It's 0:25:11.960 --> 0:25:15.840 unfortunate that Social Security is not letting you work, because 0:25:15.880 --> 0:25:19.119 I think you would do a great job as an 0:25:19.160 --> 0:25:20.199 audiobook reader. 0:25:22.400 --> 0:25:23.400 I hear that a lot. 0:25:23.760 --> 0:25:25.399 But yeah, you got a good voice for that. 0:25:27.440 --> 0:25:30.160 Oh maybe I'll try that sometime. 0:25:32.440 --> 0:25:36.280 Dude. Thanks for sharing all of this stuff, John, I 0:25:36.520 --> 0:25:38.480 hope that it was it was helpful for you. Actually, 0:25:38.480 --> 0:25:39.880 I want to do this real quick, if you're down 0:25:39.880 --> 0:25:41.800 with it, I want to see if the chat has 0:25:41.840 --> 0:25:45.639 any questions for you. All right, if you're down to 0:25:45.680 --> 0:25:49.239 answer any any questions, I'll let the chat write some 0:25:49.240 --> 0:25:52.439 stuff and I'll pick out some some questions. 0:25:54.440 --> 0:25:54.960 I'm open. 0:25:55.520 --> 0:25:59.840 Let's see one person asks, do you think that farts 0:26:00.040 --> 0:26:02.960 an age in a jar like how whiskey does? 0:26:05.359 --> 0:26:07.360 Did you say farts with age and a jar? 0:26:07.840 --> 0:26:09.840 Yeah, I didn't, I don't. I now that I read it, 0:26:09.840 --> 0:26:10.720 I don't think that question. 0:26:12.920 --> 0:26:17.920 I don't know. I would say, if you're really interested 0:26:18.000 --> 0:26:21.000 to work for your local septic company, you'll find out. 0:26:21.560 --> 0:26:25.000 That was a good answer. So I want asked, have 0:26:25.119 --> 0:26:27.720 you been open with your with your loved ones about 0:26:27.720 --> 0:26:30.240 being able to manage your schizophrenia? 0:26:32.240 --> 0:26:36.760 Kind Of it's hard to express because some family members 0:26:36.800 --> 0:26:41.280 have a different perspective of what post psychosis me was like. 0:26:42.040 --> 0:26:45.680 You know, I practically had to rebuild my entire self 0:26:45.760 --> 0:26:49.800 from the age of five back in like a year 0:26:49.840 --> 0:26:55.320 and a half through medication and like heavy everyday behavioral 0:26:55.359 --> 0:26:59.760 health therapy. So some people experienced me while I was 0:27:00.119 --> 0:27:07.159 practically mind my language retarded. And then some of my 0:27:07.280 --> 0:27:11.360 family experienced me while I was actively like having reactions 0:27:11.400 --> 0:27:13.879 to like other kinds of medications. So there was a 0:27:13.920 --> 0:27:18.840 lot of physical problems. So they know that at this 0:27:19.040 --> 0:27:22.760 point I'm the healthiest I've been, But other people have 0:27:22.840 --> 0:27:29.600 different perspectives of how capable I am. So I would 0:27:29.680 --> 0:27:32.359 answer that question with that, So it's a kind of 0:27:32.400 --> 0:27:36.080 mixed bag. My grandma feels like I could regress any day, 0:27:36.880 --> 0:27:41.120 and other closer friends just know that I'm I'm really 0:27:41.160 --> 0:27:41.880 doing okay. 0:27:42.400 --> 0:27:45.919 So yeah, bro, I think the fact that you're the 0:27:46.000 --> 0:27:51.280 fact that you're confidently saying that you're doing okay you 0:27:51.320 --> 0:27:55.200 know today in this moment, is is very very good 0:27:55.200 --> 0:28:00.560 and commendable. Soone asked what your favorite movie was. 0:28:01.960 --> 0:28:09.320 My favorite movie, I would have to say A Racer Head, 0:28:10.840 --> 0:28:16.200 just just because it's it's such a unique David Lynch 0:28:17.600 --> 0:28:21.080 you know film. 0:28:21.240 --> 0:28:23.840